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| Rock/Lesnar can still happen this year, but it also could never happen again. SCHRODINGER'S WRESTLEMANIA Photo Credit: WWE.com |
First up, Rich Thomas of the Sad Salvation podcast asks what matches he'll be seeing at WrestleMania XXXI at Levis Stadium in Santa Clara, CA.
Truth be told, I have no idea what the WrestleMania XXX card is going to look like, and that one is only three months away. This year has been one of the most volatile, unpredictable ones in recent memory, because they could go in any one of several directions to construct this card. For one, what if The Rock decides last minute that he wants a piece of the action? Does WWE dare to promote a match Thrice in a Lifetime? Or would they stick him against Brock Lesnar, who's a far better fit for a return match against CM Punk, but is heavily rumored to be Undertaker's Streak opponent this coming year.
So, with that much uncertainty shrouding XXX, XXXI sounds like a much harder gambit to forecast. However, uncertainty has never stopped me before, so my crack at fantasy booking this thing follows:
The Streak
John Cena vs. The Undertaker - While I feel like this year is the year to put Cena against 'Taker, I get the sinking feeling that Lesnar will be the Dead Man's opponent. Cena is the last guy who HAS to face the Undertaker (anyone who says "BUT STING! STING! STEEEEEEEENG!" can line up to get fired into the goddamn Sun), and next year is probably the last year WWE can count on Taker to wrestle at least once.
Undisputed Championship Match
Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Daniel Bryan - Lesnar is reportedly done after next year's Mania (although 15 months is a ghastly long time in pro wrestling), so why not have him go out with a title run spanning from the Rumble to Mania and putting over the future of WWE in the process. If you don't think Bryan's the future, well, then you aren't paying attention, or you're stubborn. And if you're Triple H or Vince McMahon and are stubborn, well fuck you if you don't push this dude. His "YES!" chant was heard prominently at a college football game this weekend, a fairly prominent one at that (insofar as the FCS Playoffs are prominent).
Sami Zayn vs. CM Punk - Mania XXXI could also be Punk's farewell to WWE, if his threats to retire end up being more than just empty ramblings of a dude who likes to troll people. Zayn receiving the torch from Punk would be a nice moment.
Big E. Langston vs. Mark Henry - HOSS SO HARD SAN FRAN FEEL LIKE IT GOT HIT WIT' ANOTHER EARTHQUAKE.
Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels - Honestly, I think Michaels is going to come out of retirement for spot duty here and there. I think he'll wrestle Bryan at Mania this year. I also see Orton and Triple H engaging in a longer term feud over the next year, so this match makes sense.
Kalisto vs. Sin Cara - WWE wants to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for some silly shit, and I don't see the lucha mask idea going away anytime soon. By March/April 2015, I see Hunico settling into the Sin Cara role comfortably, and Kalisto should be a big enough deal by then that this match would be a fun undercard affair.
Of course, watch none of those matches come to fruition, and the main event be something arcane like, I don't know, AJ Styles vs. Scott Hall. Wrestling is weird, man.
Next, @GayWrestlingFan asks if Wrestling Is Cool had stayed in Deptford, would the BDK have been scared off by the giant werewolf bulge?
REFERENCE PICTURE:
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| Photo Credit: TH |
@TheEnforcer4 asks if the sky turned black, would it matter?
Of course not, because unless you live in Mr. Burns' Springfield, you'd know the Sun was coming up.
Crack reporter Ken Borsuk asks if WWE is making the audience think something is going to happen just to pull the rug out from under them.
I just don't know. I would like to say WWE is the only scummy company who'll continue and continue to delay the payoff until a point in time when it loses peak impact, but wrestling promoters rarely have a sense for the moment, even Mike Quackenbush. As much as I want to believe that WWE is going to do the right thing, unify the titles, and make a coherent push into Mania season without muddling the story, um, hello, you and I just experienced one of the most frustrating arcs between SummerSlam and Survivor Series ever. The only saving graces were the cornucopia of phenomenal in-ring action and the fantastic Rhodes Boys/Authority and Shield story (and maybe Big Show's acting as a standalone?). My hopes aren't up.
@dajerseyboy wants to know upon the inevitable breakup of The Shield whether Seth Rollins is fated to be the guy that makes people look good and nothing more.
Rollins has a bit of that "Jeff Hardy" appeal to the pre-teen rebellious crowd in him and a lot of the "Jeff Hardy""I will kill myself for less than hazard pay because something might be wrong in my head" in him too. I see him translating better within WWE than Ziggler, whose disconnect between how well he can wrestle as a good guy and how poorly his out-of-the-ring character comes off when not a heel may keep him from attaining ultimate stardom.
@ray_fuck asks if WWE were to start its own political party, who would their ideal Presidential ticket be.
Well, the Presidential candidate would have to be Triple H, right? Dude allegedly knows how to politic like a mofo. His running mate on the surface would be Stephanie McMahon, but I'm not sure this country's ready for a husband-and-wife ticket (and if they were, wouldn't Bill and Hilary Clinton or Barack and Michelle Obama have been more logical choices?). With that being said, his running mate, in the vein of Obama picking Joe Biden, would have to be Ric Flair, right? Gotta court the Southern vote.
@OkoriWadsworth wants to know if I now wish WWE had never signed Mistico in the first place.
Looking at hindsight is too easy and supremely lazy. Sure, WWE would have been better off from jump debuting Sin Cara as Hunico from jump, or maybe scrapping the idea altogether, but the gamble had to be made, right? Mistico getting hurt all the time wasn't WWE's fault as much as WWE's rampant impatience with him and all the alleged heat he got for being "arrogant" wasn't his own fault. What the fuck was Triple H expecting when he signed the biggest star in Mexico, that he wasn't going to have an ego? This union could have worked out - maybe in an alternate timeline it currently is - but to say that he wasn't worth signing at all or wishing that he'd have turned WWE down spits in the face of all the excitement I felt when he was signed in the first place.
@NielJacoby asks why you aren't watching Johnny To's Drug War right now.
I don't know why my readers aren't watching it. Personally, I'm not watching it because why would I want to see a movie adaptation of a calculator game?
@MatthewTimmons wants me to book the Royal Rumble, which, if the audience gets an actual Undisputed Champion, could be the most exciting since '92.
Well, as I noted above, getting an Undisputed Champion is a HUGE if at this point. However, assuming that John Cena or Randy Orton or someone comes out of TLC with both belts, I would have the final three wrestlers in the Rumble match be Orton, assuming that Cena wins tomorrow, Ryback, and Daniel Bryan. Ryback meathooks Bryan over the top rope in an apparent elimination, but by the tips of his fingers, Bryan hangs on for dear life, flailing and struggling until he gets on the apron, where he lays in wait. Ryback charges into Orton, who deftly counters into a RKO OUT OF NOWHERE. Orton dumps the Big Guy and wipes his hands like he's just won the match until BOOM, a Busaiku Knee from Bryan sends him to the outside over the top rope. The arena melts, and Bryan wins in memorable fashion.
@georgemucus asks what my favorite and least favorite holiday foods are.
Favorite is the Christmas ham. Sure, the ham isn't necessarily a holiday-exclusive food, but it is the signature entree of Christmastime for me. My least favorite is by far the candy cane. They're great decoration, but try eating one, and it's sticky and overly minty and gets stuck in my teeth. No thanks.
@Doc_Ruiz2012 wants to know what Chikara DVD he should get for his 8 year old nephew.
I would stay away from 2013 altogether, because this year has contained some heady themes and scary moments. I would probably recommend King of Trios '11, Night 3. The colorful masks of the Colony and Osirian Portal are on full display, the big bad at the end is Team FIST, who are more cartoonish than dastardly, the tag gauntlet is always a barrel of laughs, and you'll hook your nephew on quality wrestling at a young age with the trifecta of Manami Toyota/Madison Eagles, Akira Tozawa/Eddie Kingston, and 1-2-3 Kid/El Generico.
@mikepankowski asks which former Champion I would have liked to have seen at the Ascension Ceremony Monday who would have fit into the brawl.
Bob Backlund is the no-brainer choice here. I'd imagine someone bumping into him accidentally, causing him to fly into a crazy-old-man rage, locking the chicken wing on everyone and anyone in a six-inch vicinity of him. I mean, if you want chaos in the ring, you pretty much have to go all the way with it, right?
@indiandeathlock asks if Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are this generation's John Cena and Randy Orton.
I would lean more towards them being the Triple H and Batista of their generation. They're closely allied, but they don't really trust each other. When Reigns finally breaks free from the Shield, he'll be a bonkers good guy with how much potential goodwill is behind him. I guess that makes Rollins the Randy Orton, right? Who would be John Cena then? Big E Langston? Antonio Cesaro? Or is Cena never going to die and just keep hooking himself up to the Mammon Machine for eternal life?
@bdbdbdbd asks if indie kayfabe is dead due to all the Twitter fraternizing and wrestler working everywhere.
I think most fans of independent wrestling are smart enough to know how to separate Twitter and the storylines, but I also think that the most enterprising wrestlers out there know how to stay in character no matter what the circumstances. Even if that wasn't the case, I don't think kayfabe is dead. It's just changing. Into what? I don't know, but I don't think it'll ever truly die.
@LPishko wants my thoughts on the career of Scott Steiner.
He's had one of the longest, weirdest careers in wrestling history. I respect the hell out of him for staying on so long and going through so many changes in character, whether major like the transition from All-American good guy to Big Poppa Pump, or subtle within each persona. Plus, he always knew how to give 141 and 2/3%.
@PatrickEhland: Army or Navy?
Neither? I'm kinda over the Army/Navy game because it's the college football game for the people who don't give a shit about college football otherwise. I'd rather burrow in the weekend prior and watch all the conference Championship games. Or the weekend before that with all the rivalries. Or any other Saturday that isn't filled with the SEC/SoCon Challenge and clunker conference games like Ohio State/Purdue.
Besides, everyone knows the superior service academy is Air Force...
@detectorsarcasms asks since everyone knows Die Hard is the best Christmas movie, what's the worst, stipulating that it has to be fairly mainstream?
Well, if you want to see some terrible Christmas movies only shown with entertaining trappings, I suggest you check out Mystery Science Theater 3000's holiday episodes. If I'm being completely honest though, what moron greenlighted Santa Clause 3? That movie's a genuine piece of crap.
RossWB of Black Heart, Gold Pants asks how long Big E Langston will hold the Intercontinental Championship, and whether he'll be the second most important titleholder in WWE after Sunday.
First half, I'm not exactly sure, actually. WWE has seemingly skewed longer with title reigns for their secondary Champions, if we're not counting Miz's 24 hour Intercontinental run at Mania. So I can see him dropping the strap either in a similar unification scenario with Dean Ambrose at Mania, or somewhere further down the line. WWE seems to have big things planned for Big E, and part of it has to do with him restoring the glory of the IC Championship.
For the second half of that question, I'd say no, even if the titles do get unified, I think at this point the Tag Team Championships are the next best thing. I would believe better if Cody Rhodes leaped from the Tag Titles to the Unified Championship than Langston at this point.
Despite having very little homegrown talent and a roster laden with flaky ex-WWE/TNA guys, @JohnJohnPhenom asks if FWE considering going on the road is a mistake.
Well, they seem to be one of the only companies who consistently get Internet pay-per-view right, so my guess is they probably have a loyal remote fanbase that tunes in, right? I wouldn't know without seeing their books or knowing how much money they made, but going on the road can be a gamble for any company. However, they book a lot of name talent, so if anything could give them a leg up on getting a bigger gate for leaving their stationery home, then I would say their roster of dudes like the Young Bucks, Tommy Dreamer, John Hennigan, and the rest would work, right?
Scott T. Holland of Irresistible vs. Immovable asks which pre-WrestleMania X WWF or WCW title match would have been better as a TLC match.
"Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair at WrestleMania VIII is the first match I can think of off the top of my head. Sure, that match was a pretty decent match if I remember right, but if one feud demanded an uptick in violence, wouldn't it be Flair/Savage? Flair doctored pictures of Savage's wife to try and get under his skin, and I know if I were the jealous type (and Savage was, by all accounts), I'd want something more than just the legal means at my disposal to beat the everloving crap out of the guy making the accusations.
@jakeupham insists that it's gotta be Cena/Taker at WrestleMania XXX, right?
If I were booking, I would be putting all my eggs in this basket for Mania this year, but like I wrote above, I just don't know at this point.
@brandon120 asks my thoughts on the validity of the theory that Jon Snow is actually the child of Lyanna Stark and Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
If the theory involves the Mad King, then I think it's bullshit. However, replace King Aerys with his dashing son, Rhaegar, and you have something. I think Ned taking the fall here makes sense. He's way too honorable to admit that his sister didn't love Robert Baratheon and rather preferred the company of the enemy (even if Rhaegar, like his lil sis Daenerys, didn't inherit the inbred Targaryen crazy genes), so risking his own marriage was the better option for him. I'm not saying Ned was a particularly smart man, but man, the morals of Westeros, as the viewership of the show and those who have read the books have already seen, make modern American patriarchy look radically feminist by comparison.
Finally, @wildvulture asks if I think Wade Barrett and Dolph Ziggler can be salvaged.
Sure. If Mark Henry can be salvaged, if Kane and Big Show can get rebooted as many times as they've been, then guys as talented as RED BELLY and Ziggler can be as well. Wrestling fans seem to have short memories. If a promoter puts out a wrestler compelling enough or with a story that speaks to a crowd, they probably won't care that that wrestler lost x amount of times to y different kinds of wrestlers. However, I will say "Bad News Barrett" as it is executed right now isn't getting the job done, nor is just wrestling random matches with no story for Ziggler.