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| IT'S GONNA BE HUGE, BROTHER Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Big E Langston vs. Christian vs. Sin Cara vs. Rey Mysterio vs. The Big Show vs. Alberto del Rio vs. Brodus Clay vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust vs. Santino Marella vs. Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Heath Slater vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Jinder Mahal vs. the Great Khali vs. R-Truth vs. Justin Gabriel vs. Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Darren Young vs. Titus O'Neil vs. Fandango vs. Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry vs. The Miz vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ???
How: Hulk Hogan came out on RAW a couple of weeks ago and announced it, brother.
The Story: Basically, Vince McMahon wants to give as many wrestlers paydays for WrestleMania as possible, so everyone who isn't in a big feud match is going to end up here. That explanation is not interesting. So I'll write one in Hulk Hogan's voice.
Y'KNOW SOMETHING, TEE-DUBYA-BEE MANIACS, I'M HOSTING WRESTLEMANIA THIS YEAR, THE SHOWCASE OF THE IMMORTALS, JACK. AND THERE AIN'T NO ONE MORE IMMORTAL THAN ANDRE THE GIANT, BROTHER, EVEN THOUGH HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR TWO DECADES NOW, DEAD BECAUSE I DROPPED THE LEG ON HIM AND HE NEVER RECOVERED FROM IT. I CAN'T DROP THE LEG ON ANYONE ANYMORE BECAUSE MY DOCTOR SAYS IF I DROP IT ONE MORE TIME, I'LL SHATTER INTO A BILLION LITTLE HULKAPIECES, BROTHER. BUT AIN'T NO DOCTOR GONNA TELL ME I CAN'T HULK UP ONE MORE TIME, JACK.
BUT ANYWAY DUDES, THIS ANDRE THE GIANT BATTLE ROYALE IS GONNA BE OFF THE CHAIN. OFF. THE. CHAIN. BROTHER. THIRTY DUDES ARE GONNA GET INTO THE RING FOR THE CHANCE TO WIN THE ANDRE TROPHY. I TOLD VINCE MAC-MAHON, BROTHER, I TOLD HIM THAT TROPHY HAD TO BE LIFE-SIZED, BUT HE SAID IF IT WAS, THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT WOULD BE ABLE TO LIFT IT WOULD BE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER AND YOURS TRULY, BROTHER. DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW UP THE YOUNGSTERS. THIS BATTLE ROYALE THOUGH IS GONNA BE AWESOME, BROTHER.
EVERYONE'S GONNA BE IN IT, DUDE. WE GOT ANDRE THE GIANT'S OWN FLESH AND BLOOD, THE GIANT. DID YOU KNOW I ONCE THREW A MONSTER TRUCK ON HIM FROM THE TOP OF THE JOE LOUIS ARENA IN DETROIT? THAT'S WHEN THIS BUSINESS WAS JUMPIN', JACK. THEN THERE'S MARK HENRY, BOTH OF DUSTY'S KIDS, BROTHER, THE WEIRD DUDE AND THE REALLY HANDSOME ONE. THEN THERE'S THAT DUDE WHO JUST CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET, AND, UH, THAT GUY WHO PLAYED FOR IOWA, I THINK? OH YEAH, AND I THINK TED DIBIASE'S GONNA BE IN IT TOO. OR WAS THAT TED ARCIDI? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE, BROTHER.
OH YEAH, THAT PALE-ASS IRISH DUDE IS GONNA BE IN IT, BROTHER. I GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT HIM, JACK. MAYBE I COULD SHOW HIM A THING OR TWO ABOUT SKIN COLOR, TAKE HIM UNDER MY WING. HIS HAIR ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE ORANGE, BROTHER. AH FUCK IT, AM I GONNA HAVE TO ENTER AND WIN THIS THING ALL BY MYSELF? NONE OF THESE CATS ARE READY YET, BROTHER.
*Tears off shirt*
WHAT'CHA GONNA DO WHEN THE OLDEST PYTHONS IN THE WORLD RUN WILD ON YOU AND THEN BODYSLAM THE ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL TROPHY, BROTHER?
Analysis: Battle royales are good, clean, rasslin' fun. They are the ultimate in wrestling junk food. Oftentimes, they aren't steeped in story, and they don't have to be to be effective. The stories end up materializing during the match most of the time, and the beauty is that they can either be self-contained or lead into something bigger after the match is over. For example, this match could be the launching point for Cody Rhodes and Goldust breaking up as a tag team. Or it could be the match where either Big E Langston or Alexander Rusev break out through random deeds of hossery. Rusev's not announced, sure, but I doubt he won't be filling one of those four empty slots.
Speaking of the empty slots, I'm intrigued to see how they'll get filled out. If Rusev is guaranteed one slot, then three are left for surprises. One such shock entry could be Rob van Dam, who has recently telegraphed a return to the company. Another surprise entrant could be Antonio Cesaro. Cesaro's dance card has already been punched with a four-corners Tag Team Championship match, but in a recent interview he conducted with Hulk Hogan, the Hulkster urged him to steal some spotlight for himself in the match.
Who could the fourth competitor be? I don't have as great a read on that entry as I might the other three. That entrant could be Evan Bourne or Roddy Piper or Hacksaw Jim Duggan or El Torito or someone else I may not be thinking of. However, no matter who gets that last assumed spot, I doubt the quality of the match will be impacted too much. Speaking of said quality, this match is going to feature hosses slapping against each other like elephant seals, acrobatic eliminations from little dudes, and melees that involve so many different combatants. While this match doesn't project to be the best on the card, it certainly could be the most fun.
Who Should Win: The shortlist contains three guys, two of which haven't been announced yet. First, if WWE wants to get Cesaro's big babyface run off to a rip-roaring start, it would have him clean house and win the Andre Trophy. Said trophy would be a great thing for Jack Swagger to destroy in the coming weeks during a singles feud between the two. The second option would be Rusev. WWE tried to do a similar career jump start at WrestleMania last year with Fandango beating Chris Jericho, but I think having a giant bronze Andre to lug around and superiority over 29 other wrestlers would be far more imposing and impressive than gaining a roll-up on Jericho.
But if I'm not going to project a "surprise" entrant, then I'd say that Big E Langston should totally win this thing. The Intercontinental Championship has become an anchor around his waist (thanks, WWE Creative!), and he needs something new to boost himself. The Andre Trophy could give him the extra fuel in his tank to move forward, especially if he finds someone entrepreneurial to break it and give him a reason to mash his head in…
Who Will Win: Even though WWE already gave Big Show his WrestleMania moment with the victory over Cody Rhodes a few years back and are telegraphing him just a bit too hard right now, I can totally see Show getting the duke here. It's the first annual match of its kind, and giving the win to the guy who broke into the biz as Andre's "son" seems like a WWE thing to do.
One guy to keep an eye on as a dark horse to win, however, is The Miz. Since the pre-show doesn't count, he's still undefeated at WrestleMania, and everyone knows how much WWE likes to try and photocopy special stuff that happens under its watch. The Miz as the new Undertaker would seem underwhelming, but it's a possibility. It's always a possibility.
AND OF COURSE, BROTHER, DON'T COUNT OUT THE HULKSTER, DUDE. (I'm only half-joking)