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| What kind of news dropped this week? FIND OUT BELOW Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Firstly, I can't get the news TO YOU without tipsters. I have an expansive and all-encompassing network of SOURCES, REPORTERS, and TATTLETALES. However, this network needs to continue to GROW and FLOURISH, mainly because so many of my sources mysteriously disappear each week. Are they assassinated by jealous dirt sheet writers who hate me for my scoops? Have their identities been compromised by Vince McMahon's SECRET POLICE? HAS PRESIDENT OBAMA HAULED THEM OFF TO FEMA DEATH CAMPS? No one may ever know. However, if you are bold enough to replace them, you can send all your juicy tips, hot gossip, and kinky rumors to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. Also, you MUST follow me on Twitter, where I dispense up to the FEMTOSECOND scoops at @HorbFlerbminber. I am so fast with scoops that The Flash feels inadequate and sluggish in comparison.
And of course, if you need to hear scoops ON THE PHONE in my soothing dulcet baritone voice, then you need to call the HORB FLERBMINBER PRO WRESTLING SKOOPZ HOT HOT HOTLINE at (916) 985-2561. I have all the hottest, most barely legal scoops that you can get without breaking federal law. Which wrestler recently waved his dick in front of a window at the Butte, MT Curves? How many wrestlers have tried to catch ebola to get out of their TNA contracts? WHO SHOT A MAN IN RENO JUST TO WATCH THEM DIE? You can find this out ONLY by calling my hotline.
Speaking of ebola, I am selling vaccines as a side business right now. These vaccines are hot off the presses, and they're so new, even the FDA hasn't gotten a chance to approve them yet! Developer Victor Conte has assured me this vaccine will work, and that its side effects are absolutely positive. Not only will you NOT catch the DEADLY ebola virus, but you will be able to tone up your abs and give you that competitive edge. Plus, it was tested EXCLUSIVELY on animals so you know it's safe.
Also, I have a special offer available for INSIDER MEMBERS ONLY. If you have access to my INSIDER CONTENT that you can only register for HERE, then you can access my NO HOLDS BARRED interview with WWE Executive Vice President of Television Production, KEVIN DUNN. I ask him all the hard questions, and because he was such a great interview, I took him to the forest and let him gnaw down a couple of trees so as to keep his front teeth sharp. Sitting in the WWE front office doesn't afford him the same opportunities to get out in the wild, and he hasn't even built a dam since 1997. HOW UNFORTUNATE.
Also, be sure to catch my ad on WWE Network for my NEW escort service that features nothing but Greg Valentine impersonators. Have you ever wanted to spend a romantic evening with the former Intercontinental Champion? Did his nickname "The Hammer" ever intrigue you past its implications in the ring? Well, now you can replicate that experience with someone who looks so much like Valentine, you may not know the difference! If you don't believe me, watch the live Network feed at 2 AM Friday morning after the third replay of Superstars to see. You can get an extra 5.7% off your next date if you order with the special, secret, NOT AT ALL OBVIOUS code word that you can only hear on this WWE Network advertisement. Also, if you order a date and the REAL Greg Valentine shows up at your door, you'll win a new* car!
Also, I will be taking preorders for my world-famous Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ Almanac for 2014 starting now. It is a comprehensive look at all the wrestling happenings from the year. I look at all the major promotions like Bellator, UFC, Invicta, ONE Fighting Championships, and World Series of Fighting. I talked to all the top superstars like Chael Sonnen, and I have all the inside looks at the biggest fights and news stories of the year in professional wrestling. I also name all my wrestler and promotional awards, as well as give looks into the future of all the top PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING companies. To preorder, just ask your local steroid dealer, or head over to Stormfront's MMA forum to get all the information. With every preorder made before December 20, you'll get a special advance edition of Bryan Alvarez's Death of WCW printed on toilet paper, so you can wipe your ass with quality while reading my book on the john.
If you want back issues of Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ, then you should get in contact with me through back channels, as I'm afraid all the normal channels are being WATCHED right now by the Illuminati. I'm not sure which Illuminati is watching, however, since every Southern indie wrestling company has a stable named the Illuminati right now, but either way, I don't want to risk it. Anyway, if you're missing out on ESSENTIAL back issues, you're going to want to get in on that now, especially for the following issues, of which fewer than ten copies remain APIECE:
- 4/20/1865 - I take a look at the accusations that the National Wrestling Alliance had President and World Heavyweight Champion Abraham Lincoln murdered because he wouldn't drop the strap at the big Dayton, OH show in May against Jefferson Davis. Also, for some reason, Rob van Dam has an interview here talking about his love of marijuana on 4/20, even though he won't have been born yet for another 105 years.
- 9/16/1926 - I break down the thrilling Frank Gotch/Strangler Lewis match from the Polo Grounds, the only match in history I ever gave SIX stars to, which featured a 12 hour headlock and several fans falling asleep around the midway point. THOSE CRETINS DIDN'T DESERVE THAT KIND OF PSYCHOLOGY. Also, I take a look at how Verne Gagne was mishandling the wrestling territory he was running in his bassinet.
- 1/6/1983 - I give an inside look at the Hart Family Dungeon with quotes from Stu Hart, Tom Billington, and the gimp that the Harts had chained in the corner for, ahem, favors.
- 8/31/1995 - I analyze why the Hulk Hogan/Dungeon of Doom feud was going to revolutionize the business and carry WCW into halcyon glory days that would last for a thousand years. I'm going to level with you guys on that one, I think I struck out with that analysis. But you can get a coupon for a free Grand Slam at Denny's that for some reason isn't set to expire until March of 2016.
- 8/23/2007 - The Life and Times of the Missing Link, my thickest issue yet.
Also, I will be appearing on the next episode of Talk Is Jericho, where I will.... ahahaha, nah, just kidding, that show's fucking lame.
I have also been named the OFFICIAL journalist and recruiter for the Bullet Club, the hottest stable to occur in wrestling ever, and a billionfold improvement over the nWo because it's happening in NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING. They told me that since they let Jeff Jarrett in, they might as well let anyone who wants in as well, so if you send me your resume, a headshot, and $40 worth of scratch off tickets from the states of Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, or Hawaii, you will get your very own Bullet Club t-shirt, and Bad Luck Fale will appear at your next birthday party or social function. Also, you get to throw things at Prince Devitt and not get thrown out of the arena.
Also, I am pleased to announce that I will be sponsoring a fun run in Whitehorse, YT on November 20. The first annual HORB FLERBMINBER FUN IN THE SUN RUN will be rain or shine, and you're suggested to show up in short shorts and a tank top. The winner gets a free, one week subscription to my premium site and a chance to meet up with wrestling LEGEND Dennis Stamp.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Finally, please check out of your hotel before 11 AM. If you're there even a minute past checkout time, you'll be charged for a full extra day. Unless you're staying at the Horb Arms in Fort Dodge, IA. You'll have to guess the checkout time, and usually, you'll be wrong!
- Nothing of note happened in wrestling this week. No scoops at all to report. Thanks for your time.
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