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| HORB KNOWS WHEN THE DECISION TO HAVE ROLLINS CASH IN WAS MADE Photo Credit: WWE.com |
While I tirelessly mine the scoops in the news mires all day long and sometimes all night, I need your help to get me all the best news nuggets that I can't get to until bilocation is invented. IF I CAN BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE, I WILL. So if you have a juicy tip, a saucy rumor, or a salacious crumb, send it to my e-mail address at ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. Also, I am on the Twitter machine, where I dispense all the best instantaneous scoops in the world and sometimes in the WHOLE FUCKIN' MILKY WAY GALAXY. Remember when I tweeted that Zorblax the Indomitable was going to wrestle Terry Funk in a World Championship of Ulaxion Match, Ulaxion being the third planet from Beta Centauri? If you're not following me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber, THEN YOU CERTAINLY DON'T.
I lost all my back issues of the newsletter while playing backgammon against some Asian immigrants at the San Francisco docks so I can't offer them to you this week. However, if you PayPal me $67, I will describe each and every issue I have ever published, starting with September 18, 3681 and inclusive of every date thereafter, because TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE. If you pay me $69 dollars via PayPal, however, I will call you on the phone and say, "Nice."
The newsletter has a new sponsor this week, Steel Reserve Alloy Series. Have you ever wanted to get fucked up out of your mind but not want the nasty taste of cheaply made malt liquor, machine-crafted from the lowest-quality grains pulled out of wheat threshers in rural West Virginia in your mouth? Well, Steel Reserve has heard your cries and introduced the Alloy Series with five pulse-pounding flavors which according to the FDA are certainly food, alright! You can try Hard Pineapple, Spiked Punch, Lightnin' Liver and Onions, Full-on Formaldehyde, and my personal favorite, Unwashed Asshole. Try them today at your favorite sketchy corner bodega, or if you're in Pennsylvania, from the dive bar around the corner from the house you grew up in whose highest quality beer used to be Pabst Blue Ribbon until all those millennials started drinking it ironically.
Don't forget, uh, I forgot what I was going to write here.
- The biggest news of the weekend was that Seth Rollins interrupted the main event of WrestleMania, cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase, and defeated both Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar to become the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. My sources say that the decision wasn't final until 15 minutes before the main event, and that Vince McMahon changed his mind at least 30 times between the end of the Hall of Fame ceremony and the main event. Sources say at one point, Kid Ink was slated to walk out of Mania as Champion, but McMahon was talked out of it when he was informed that Kid Ink was not Kid Rock's hip new persona.
- Lesnar has come under fire from media outlets who accused him of blading his forehead to create the signature crimson mask he sported towards the end of the match. However, WWE officials released a press release saying that Lesnar did not blade, and in fact that he wasn't bleeding at all, and if they even thought about fining him for the action that he would "murder all their families and piss on their corpses while shoving Jimmy John's wrappers into..." I'm not finishing transcribing the rest of that quote. IT'S TOO SICK EVEN FOR OL' HORB.
- Ronda Rousey's appearance at WrestleMania in the ring was a SHOOT, sources tell me. If she had known she was going to get in the ring, she would have worn her formal attire, which is an unripped black t-shirt featuring characters from Avatar: The Last Airbender.
- The original plan in the Sting/Triple H match was to have Ric Flair lead an army of WCW stalwarts out to help Sting, but McMahon feared that if he had Flair in any role bigger than a backstage segment, he wouldn't be able to get rid of him and would have to call the exterminator AGAIN.
- CJ Parker resigned from WWE before WrestleMania. Sources say he was upset that WWE still hadn't switched from incandescent bulbs to the compact fluorescent bulbs, and that the move was not only costing the company money it could be paying him, but it was harming the environment as well.
- McMahon reportedly saw his first ever NXT show on Friday night in San Jose, and fell into a state of apoplexy that he didn't recover from until around 7 PM local time on Monday night. McMahon's medical disablement is said to be the reason why WrestleMania and the first two hours of RAW on Monday were so goddamn awesome.
- TNA wrestlers spent Friday night talking about how Impact was going to be the biggest show of the weekend on Twitter like nothing else was going on. In an unrelated note, more people bought the WWN Live Supershow than watched Impact on Destination America.
- Bob Ryder tweeted "Hmmm....a promotion with a World Champion who actually shows up on tv two weeks in a row" on Friday night. In other news, wow, someone still pays Bob Ryder in 2015? Who says the country's in a recession if HE'S getting paid money to do anything other than odd jobs or cold calling.
- WWE officials were reported as angry at this year's Hall of Fame ceremony, especially at highlight inductee "Macho Man" Randy Savage. One official said that it was blatantly disrespectful that Savage no-showed and instead sent his brother Lanny Poffo to the event in his stead. Related, most WWE officials are kept in the same hyperbaric chamber as Vince McMahon during all times when they are not on the job, and have not heard or seen the news for over ten years.
- Original plans Monday night were for to have Lesnar throw Michael Cole into a woodchipper as an homage to the Coen Bros. movie Fargo and thus Lesnar's northern Midwest heritage, but officials thought that if Lesnar accidentally bleeding in his Mania match caused so much controversy that the amount of blood to be caused by Cole's mechanical evisceration would cause immediate red flags everywhere.
- Justin Gaethje the people, and calls on the world to St. Louis Library: Warrior fighting tonight. In men, the sixth day week and a fireman Gaethje ethnic name and password Hideo Davis Gospel warrior.
- Vince McMahon is apparently "super-high" on Lana right now, Lana being the hip new drug being used by all the teenagers out there that's a combination of Krokodil, paint thinner, and lingonberries.
- Be on the lookout for the TWB 100 final entry later today. I am promoting this even though I was DENIED ENTRY into the balloting process. TH IS A FUCKFACE. (Ed. Note - I would have welcomed Horb's ballot, but the one he sent me only had 15 names on it, and 14 of them were Chael Sonnen.)
- Last week's poll results are in, and 59% of you think WrestleKingdom 9 was better than WrestleMania 31, 21% think WK9 was substantially better than WM31, 18% said WK9 was slightly better than WM31, and 2% didn't even bother watching Mania because they knew it would fucking suck. This week's poll: