"THEY MAKE FIVE HOUR ENERGY FOR GOATS, MAGGLE?"

Daniel Bryan may be on the shelf for mysterious injury reasons, and his career may be in jeopardy, but hey, that doesn't mean he can't keep making that advertising scrilla. Of course, the former vegan who doesn't watch TV is the perfect guy to pitch your energy shot, right? Right? I think WWE even knew it was just putting a familiar and popular face on the adspace since the "PAID SPOKESMAN" label is a bit too conspicuous if you ask me. But hey, at least he's still getting paid, which is the biggest reason why I'm happy for any one of my favorite indie dudes upon getting signed to WWE.

However, if the folks at 5 Hour Energy REALLY wanted to make it seem like Bryan was into selling the product, maybe they could've outsourced the slogan-writing campaign to an ad agency with a wrestling fan or two. I don't even work in advertising, and I could have done better than the people who came up with that shit. I mean, look at the possible slogans they could have used:

• 5 HOUR ENERGY: The true BEST IN THE WORLD
• 5 HOUR ENERGY: Better than taking Ryback to Panera Bread
• If you take 5 HOUR ENERGY, you won't tap OR snap
• 5 HOUR ENERGY: For when you need to stay awake during your future brother-in-law's shitty movies
• 5 HOUR ENERGY: Because haters gon' hate
• 5 HOUR ENERGY: I wish I had this at WrestleMania XXVIII
• I HAVE TIL FIVE, REF... 5 Hour Energy, that is

Okay, most of those are terrible, but at least it's more than a transparently fake smile with the words PAID SPOKESMAN in full view. Regardless, I hope he's getting some good money out of this, because man, you couldn't pay me enough to hawk that shit. Then again, I don't see WWE trying to sell the kinds of things Bryan seems to be into to a crowd it thinks is more lowbrow than it is. But that's a whole other essay...