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| Not included, the thud Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Highlights:
- Thanks to a Roman Reigns spear right after Randy Orton RKOed Seth Rollins from the top, Dean Ambrose was able to get the pin for The Shield.
- Mark Henry held onto the top rope on a Shell-Shocked attempt, collapsing Ryback underneath him and getting the win.
- Kane laid out Dolph Ziggler with a choke slam, but Daniel Bryan finished him off with the flying headbutt to get the win for Team Hell No, retaining the WWE Tag Team Championships
- Fandango reversed an awkwardly laid Walls of Jericho into an inside cradle to win his debut match.
- In a match fraught with shenanigans, Alberto del Rio tapped out Jack Swagger with the cross armbreaker to retain his World Heavyweight Championship.
- In an all-time classic, Undertaker put CM Punk to rest with a tombstone piledriver, extending his streak to 21-0.
- Triple H survived a billion German suplexes to put Brock Lesnar away with a Pedigree on the steel ring steps for the win.
- John Cena won his 11th WWE Championship and 13th overall top title by ending a long string of false finish dosey-dos with his third Attitude Adjustment of the match to defeat The Rock.
General Observations:
- "By popular request, we are skipping "America the Beautiful." Real line from the Mania broadcast, or repurposed Simpsons quote? YOU DECIDE.
- Is Seth Rollins' gimmick to kill himself in every match? I mean, I'm still trying to wash the taste of Tyler Black out of my mouth, but that doesn't mean I want the kid to die. He damn near took his own head off with a plancha to the outside. Jeez.
- Raise your hand if you thought Randy Orton snaking the tag from the Big Show would result in Orton being the one to turn heel.
- Actually, with the TLC match in the back of my mind, and then with Rollins taking the RKO after leaping from the top, I think his gimmick might just be "official decoy." There are worse gimmicks to have.
- Guys, let this sink in. Dean Ambrose pinned Randy Orton to finish a WrestleMania match. Jon F'n Moxley pinned a 9-time WWE/World Champion to win at the biggest event on the calendar. That, my friends, is awesome.
- Big Show was the one to turn heel, which really was just him reverting back to the character that had worked so well for him in the past. It definitely was the right call. I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
Man I love being a turtle!there's still a ton of mileage in The World's Largest Rebellious Teenager. - Did Mark Henry and Ryback ramming into each other to start the match remind anyone else of two elephant seals fighting on the Antarctic beach?
- I wanna know who paced the Henry/Ryback match, because I've seen both of them wrestle before against other opponents. They're dynamic dudes (not Dynamic Dudes though, the only one of those worth a damn didn't show tonight, hash-tag sad). Just watch a fucking tape of Henry/Sheamus from SummerSlam '11 and let that be your rough template for each hoss fight, GAWD.
- I will say though, Henry showing his innate veteran cleverness by grabbing the ropes, causing Ryback to fall like a ton of bricks into a pin, was the perfect way to finish that match. Now please, just let the rematch wait until SummerSlam, preferably with gold on the line.
- Also, such bullshit after the match. We don't need to let the good guys always get their heat back, GAWD.
- JBL, playing with those seizure-affecting toys, was slapping the Rey Mysterio figure out of rage and frustration. Continuity is a beautiful thing.
- Article #99123814 on why Daniel Bryan and Kane should remain besties, even after they lose the Tag Pennies: Daniel Bryan held his ears when Kane was about to enact his pyro. SO ADORBS, GUYS.
- For a moment, I really thought they were going to have Bryan beat Dolph Ziggler in 18 seconds to the point when I clenched by butt. The match kept going though, and thus, it just turned into a little nugget of an awesome callback to last year.
- Big E. Langston is so strong, guys. SO STRONG. He was moving in Antonio Cesaro levels of effortlessness on some of his power moves, especially with Kane.
- Of course it's not a match unless Dolph goes FULL ZIGGLER. Here, he went all BOMBS AWAY into the turnbuckle, face first. Oh Ziggler.
- Kane went for a pin on Ziggler, when out of nowhere, Langston with the SPLAAAAAASH. Guys, I think I found a new hoss to worship.
- Oh man, they went over the top with Fandango's entrance, didn't they? All those dancers! And his main dance partner? SHE WAS WEARING MYTHRIL!
- When Chris Jericho is motivated, there are few who, from soup to nuts, are better complete performers than he is. I was awestruck by how fired up he was on the ramp coming down for his entrance. You could tell he was super-into the match, at leaste beforehand.
- That being said, I thought they mistimed a lot of their exchanges in the match. It was a shame, because I thought what they were trying to do would have been really solid if they hadn't been so far apart on some exchanges. That being said (dammit), I think the perceived sloppiness helped out the finish. Instead of looking sloppy, it made it look like a struggle-fight, and as you know, I kinda dig that.
- I didn't mind that Diddy performed. However, WHY THE FUCK DID HE FUCKING PERFORM TWO SONGS THAT ORIGINALLY HAD BIGGIE ON THEM? LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN, OR JUST SPIN A FUCKING RECORD AND SYNC IT UP TO THE HYPNOTIZE VIDEO. FUCK MAN, YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST DONE THE FUCKING KASHMIR SAMPLED SONG, I WOULD HAVE ENJOYED THE CODED RACISM THAT WOULD HAVE SPRUNG FORTH. GOD, WHY AM I IN ALL CAPS?
- Hey, guys? Can we take a minute to appreciate the absurdity of Zeb Colter wearing his survivalist vest over a shirt and tie? I mean, I know I'm supposed to hate him for being a vile racist jerk, but man, does he have a great ironic sense of fashion.
- Alberto del Rio dropped the BOMBS AWAAAAAAAAAY plancha ring-out dropkick within the first three moves of the match. It felt like going for checkmate with your first chess move. Maybe not the soundest of strategies, but God bless you ADR, I admire your goddamn moxie.
- Swagger got the heat almost right back with the heel hook sweep of ADR while he was on the top. Fun fact, that was the move Goldust used to hand Sheamus his first WWE loss, ever. I miss you, WWECW.
- ADR stomped Colter's hand at one point. It was the least subtle subtle thing ever done in a WWE ring, but I loved it.
- Okay, the lack of a cash-in. I girded myself against expecting Ziggler coming out because it felt like the crushing weight of expectation dictated that he HAD to come out and take the belt. In my experience, it's about 75/25 as to whether Vince McMahon will actively troll the audience by withholding something expected at the moment they think it's definitely going to happen. Trust me, it's an awful way to run an entertainment outfit, but the man's loonier than Canadian currency.
- LIVING COLOUR. LIVE. OH MY GOD, SO FUCKING AWESOME! WHY DO THE MUSICAL PERFORMERS TRIGGER AUTOMATIC CAPS LOCK?
- Punk's gear, by the by? Gray and purple. The man is such a student of the game on so many levels, I would have been surprised if it wasn't a callback to anything Undertaker related.
- The way Punk started the match was sheer brilliance. He slapped Taker, then let him give chase outside the ring until Punk had him in his sights. A perfect way to kick the match off given the tone of the feud.
- CM Punk did the Old School after reversing Taker's attempt at it. So good. Punk went for it a second time, but Taker crotched him on the top rope, then right hooked him out of the ring, causing Heyman to remark "Hey, wha happen?" For all the times I get annoyed by Heyman, he is legitimately a great manager.
- The mark of a great manager is that they will take the bullet for their guy. Heyman did just that, distracting Taker and allowing himself to get marked with one of Taker's soup bones so Punk could springboard off the top while saying "I'M FLYING!" before landing a lariat.
- He followed that up with a top rope elbow that was more than cromulent. It was... form perfect? St. Savage be praised!
- JBL: "If at first you don't succeed." King: "Time to go to sleep!" I know that probably wasn't intentional, but it was so goddamn silly and stupid that I laughed.
- Punk laid Taker out on the Spanish announce table and leaped in with another Savage elbow. But the table didn't break. I heard a thud, and my heart went into my gut.
- Punk countered the gogoplata with a jackknife pin? Oh man. Taker countered the Anaconda Vise by STANDING THE FUCK UP AND LOOKING AT PUNK LIKE HE WAS GONNA SHOOT MURDER HIM? I'm getting the vapors. Punk doing the throat slash? The facial expressions? Tombstone teases? Punk with the RIP pin? This match fucked me up in the best way. It was the best Mania match since... fuck, the first Taker/Michaels match? It feels so much like an all-timer to me. I dunno if I'm just in the afterglow or not.
- Brock Lesnar in the Jimmy John's skull cap? Oh man, Brock. Oh man. Never stop being you, okay?
- So, either Triple H had just gotten buzzed inadvertently with the steam machine, or well, something more vulgar happened, because good Lord, he was covered in something.
- Lesnar suplexed Trips through the Spanish announce table (thank Punk and Taker for loosening that shit up for you), and hten Lesnar let out this Tarzan-esque primal scream that I could only describe as 100% sincere. Lesnar maybe what happens when you give Scott Pilgrim a shitload of steroids and knock his eloquence down a few levels.
- To the guy with the sign that said "Caution: Blue Blazer" with the arrow pointing up? Please go fuck yourself with the rustiest, most splintery railroad spike you can find, and refuse to get a tetanus shot afterwards. You are the lowest of the low.
- Did anyone catch Lesnar's left pec? It looked like his entire areola had flared out and consumed most of the lower part of it, almost like a blood blister. Yuck.
- I dunno, but I think Lesnar is still suplexing Triple H.
- This match just sort of rambled on down the stretch and threw everything at the wall to see what would stick. The problem was that the whole middle of the match was dedicated to Brock going T. Rex-on-a-sitting-goat on Trips to the point where I couldn't really get into Trips' comeback. I mean, the kimura sequence was actually way cool, but Triple H should not have been able to fucking stand at that point, let alone wrench in a keylock.
- Oh man, did Rocky and Cena draw straws to see who'd get to play Larry Zbyszko in the beginning of that match and both get the short one? So much goddamn stalling. C'mon, you felt each other out last year.
- There were so many finishers in this match. Did they decide to use Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles from 1/4/10 as a template? Expect someone to "hack" Angle's Twitter this week and flood the timeline with accusations of how WWE steals from TNA again, completley unironically, of course.
- But of course, there were some good nuggets in this match. I really dug Cena playing off last year's finish, going for the People's Elbow if just to draw big dumb steroid-faced Rock into trying to win the same way as last year. If that led into a definitive finish after no prior attempts at ending the match? It would have been the best finish in WWE in the last year. Instead, it was lost in the shuffle.
Match of the Night:CM Punk vs. The Undertaker - I may take a lot of shit for this, but I don't care. This match smoked the ever-loving shit out of the last three Mania matches. It's not even close. I don't know whether Punk is that much better than Triple H (read, he totally is), or whether there was just a better sense of purpose (that was probably more of the case though), but every detail of this match was just perfect, or almost perfect at least, right down to Punk's ring gear.
From jump, we got an actual pissed-off Undertaker, something we've been lacking for a long time. I guess there was a reason they had Punk do everything except have sex with the urn, eh? He came out with a renewed sense of fire, but he also showed an uncharacteristic vulnerability if you couch this match not against the Streak matches of the last four years, but against the series of matches he and Punk had in late 2009. Maybe that's not fair, but then again, it shows how much Punk has grown in stature since then.
But then again, this match wasn't really about historical stature. There were personal stakes. Undertaker flailed wildly, and hit on some of his shots. On others, he left himself wide open. I especially dug the reversal of the Old School and Punk mocking him with his own version of it. Paul Heyman was also the perfect manager, as he set up another really good emotional overdrive spot that went into Punk hitting the springboard clothesline. It should also be noted that Punk hit what may have been the best Savage elbow in his goddamn career, which in and of itself is a minor miracle. The second one to the outside looked like it hurt him more than Taker, but I blame superior announce table craftsmanship on that.
The finishing sequence finished with such a crescendo. Say what you want about Punk "carrying" Undertaker - and personally, outside of the rare, really anomalous example like Savage/Warrior, Rock/Hogan, or Cena/Rock, the term "carry" feels so presumptuous - but Taker really was dialed into the moment there too. Both guys hit all their notes, and it didn't hurt that we got the Tombstone into the rest in peace pin. Classic Undertaker for a classic match. The early days of the Streak were all about blood feuds, Taker getting into supernatural brawls with caricatures, almost like it was WWE's version of the kaiju film genre. Punk's no mutant - he's more Lex Luthor - but he played the role for one night, and because of that, he helped Undertaker do what he couldn't do from WrestleManias VIII through XIV. He perfected the art of the hate-laden revenge Streak match.
Overall Thoughts: WrestleMania this year at least felt a lot better than last year, mainly because it didn't start out with the buzzkill of Daniel Bryan losing in 18 seconds. That's always a plus when the best wrestler in the company doesn't eat it to a single finisher. That being said, there were certain things that brought the show down. For example, the last two matches were not really that good. Yeah, it's hard to follow one of the maybe five or six best matches in Mania history (I know, I know, hyperbole masked by recent feelings, but c'mon man, that was good), but there's no way that Triple H winning after taking a billion German suplexes in the middle portion of that match was good psych. Rocky and Cena then went out and tried to outdo Kurt Angle and AJ Styles with their finisher spam, which was a shame because they had the framework of an excellent match going on.
That being said, the undercard needed to deliver, and it did. The Tag Team Championship match was perfect. The Shield six-man opener was close to perfect, and the right guy went back to being a bad guy afterwards. Jericho and Fandango was a bit sloppy, but some of that worked to its advantage in the finish of the match. Plus, it really put over Fandango and let him show that he can perhaps carry his own weight in a WWE ring. There were even strains of good in the matches that really disappointed me. For example, Henry going over in the HOSS FIGHT (which wasn't a certified hoss fight cuz it was paced awfully) was exactly the right call, even if the attack afterwards was bullshit. The Trips/Lesnar match was the right call on who won (and if I think Trips should have won, then fuck, he should have won), and if they had streamlined the middle of the match, it would have been passable to good. And the main... well, it had a good framework.
But this year's event was all about the Streak. I thought the build petered out at the end, but come to think about it, I think Punk HAD to go overboard. It set Taker over the edge, and we saw a difference in him tonight than we did in the last four Mania matches. A good Streak match is good, but when there are personal stakes? Yeah, that's when a match gets its gravitas. All in all, it was a very good flagship event.