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| Whole lotta Joe this week Photo Credit: Lee South/ImpactWrestling.com |
Even though I get all the scoops that everyone needs to see, I cannot do it alone. I need thousands, nay, MILLIONS of anonymous minions giving me all their hard-earned tips, and I need them at a MOMENT'S NOTICE. DO YOU HEAR ME? A MOMENT'S NOTICE. I want them now. Hell, I wanted them a SECOND AGO even. Can't you fuckers time travel at all? Jeez. When you finally feel like getting off your assholes and doing your DUTY, e-mail me your tips at ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. And if you don't want to be left in the dark on the up-to-the-nanoinstant scoops, you need to follow me on Twitter. Look for @HorbFlerbminber and press that follow button as fast as you possibly can. DO IT. I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T I WILL TAKE A CROWBAR TO YOUR CAR.
If you would like back issues of the newsletter, then you're in luck, because I found the key to that storage locker, and I found a whole shitload of back issues that I am just itching to get rid of. You can get all kinds of issues, like the following top sellers:
- 7/8/1971 - Nothin' special happened
- 11/15/1979 - Nothin' special happened
- 4/23/1982 - Nothin' special happened
- 10/21/1982 - Nothin' special happened
- 12/13/1984 - Nothin' special happened
- 8/20/1987 - I had sex 😊
- 2/3/1995 - Nothin' special happened
- 2/11/1999 - Nothin' special happened
- 7/27/2006 - Nothin' special happened
- 6/9/2011 - NICE
HORB ENTERPRISESThis week, the newsletter is sponsored by MAH DIIIIIIIIIIICK.
2800 Bullittsburg Church Rd
Petersburg, KY 41080
Also, I have taken up housesitting. If you have a high-maintenance home that needs only the best care while you're away on business, vacation, or laying low after you accidentally shot your drug dealer in a sale gone wrong, then call me up. I will take care of everything at your house that needs care while you're away: pets, plants, chores, encounters with extra-terrestrial beings. I have fair rates, and while I do ask for reimbursement for food bought and eaten, please note that I do most of my food shopping at the Family Dollar, so your bill won't be too high. But why take my word for it, when you can read a testimonial from Ann Alhumpin of Jackson Hole, WY:
I hired Horb to take care of my house when I was gone on a two-week backpacking trek across Europe in order to find myself after I was dumped by my ex-boyfriend. When I came back, all my jewels were stolen, my refrigerator had a wolverine living in it, and I found five shallow graves in my backyard containing the corpses of people wearing pizza delivery uniforms. However, I was able to, ahem, embellish my insurance claim, and I was able to upgrade all my furniture and receive the Hope Diamond. So it wasn't a total loss.Another satisfied customer.
Sorry, correction from earlier, this week, the newsletter is sponsored by BOFA. Bank of America, oh no, BOFA DEEZ NUUUUUUUUTS, BOOOOOOOM.
Remember, there's no way back from here.
- Samoa Joe has reportedly signed an exclusive deal with WWE, upgrading from his independent contractor deal that allowed him to work indie promotions. Vince McMahon reportedly wanted to sign Joe right away after Elimination Chamber, when the reaction to Kevin Owens' defeating John Cena was so positive that he realized fat dudes who hit hard are the new market inefficiency. In addition to Joe, WWE went out and signed Willie Mack, Jock Samson, American Balloon, and Tomohiro Ishii. McMahon also attempted to sign the Jolly Green Giant until Triple H and Stephanie McMahon had to remind him that he was just a brand's mascot and not a real person.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- WWE Network will be free in June to new subscribers. In response, angry pissbabies the world over mad at not getting a free month will picket Titan Towers and only break to watch NXT and Money in the Bank on The WWE Network.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Brock Lesnar was announced for his first house show in over ten years. He will wrestle at a live event in Japan in June, taking on Godzilla in a "Winner Gets to Ransack Tokyo" match.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Steve Austin and Paul Heyman came dangerously close to being yanked off the air in the middle of the show when Austin looked like he was pulling out a copy of the book Protocols of the Elders of Zion from his knapsack. However, a producer caught it just in time and yanked the book away from him.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- When Heyman brought up the idea of Austin taking on Lesnar at WrestleMania 32, Austin stormed out of the interview, and it was completed by Chris Jericho, who just repeatedly asked Heyman "What'cha thinkin''bout?"
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- The original script for Elimination Chamber was for Daniel Bryan and Ryback to make passionate love after the latter won the Intercontinental Championship, but the act was deemed to much of a risk for Bryan, as Ryback is known backstage as a rough lover.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Jeremy Borash tweeted a transphobic Photoshop manipulation of Caitlyn Jenner's Vanity Fair magazine cover after transitioning into life as a woman, The picture had Ethan Carter III's face superimposed on Jenner's body. It is unknown whether Borash apologized for the tasteless picture, since no one can access his feed after he's blocked everyone who had something to say about it to him.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Arrow star Stephen Amell has denied he's going to wrestle Stardust at SummerSlam. He revealed that WWE insisted that after he won, he would face Lawrence Taylor in a WWE Celebrity Championship Deathmatch Showdown, and Amell's heard a thing or two about how Taylor gets when he's in a zone.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Dixie Carter has reportedly asked for quotes from Boeing, Lockheed Martin, and Stark Industries on purchasing drones to launch a full-scale air attack on Dave Meltzer's San Jose, CA compound. However, neither Boeing nor Lockheed would come down off their original pricing, and Stark Industries is a fictional company in the Marvel Comics Universe.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Sheamus has landed a role in the Michael Bay motion picture Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. He will be playing Donatello's bo staff.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Brodus Clay, wrestling as Tyrus in TNA and George Murdoch in Global Force Wrestling, has had to pull out of GFW. He claims that it's because of contractual obligations to TNA, but he really just wanted out because everyone on the fucking GFW roster keeps asking him "WHICH WAY DID HE GO, GEORGE, WHICH WAY DID HE GO?"
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Dana Brooke on why NXT needs her: "When I touch myself, I generate so much static electricity that it powers the generators at Full Sail University. If I were to leave, they'd have to pay for electricity again, and no one wants to do that.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Ronda Rousey sold on eBay for the 2005 Honda Accord. At one point in 2008 Olympics, was in the car. So far, however, they are in the car. The car has 156,000 miles and needs a new transmission.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Triple H announced the signing of two new wrestlers from India, disclosing that one would sit on the other's shoulders and that they would take over the role of "The Great Khali" going forward.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- In lighthearted news, Triple H said he went to Undertaker on advice on how to court Stephanie McMahon, but he later regretted taking it after McMahon fainted when Trips showed up in a hearse and rose out of a coffin with his eyes rolled into the back of his head.
- Breaking news, TNA has announced it has re-signed Bram to a one-year contract.
- Apparently, all those press releases about Bram signing a new one-year contract weren't redundant, were not about stacking years onto Bram's tenure, and were not just about the original Bram. Dixie Carter had Bram cloned, and is mounting an attack on the Meltzer compound. WAR IS UPON SAN JOSE. EVERYONE RUN.
- Last week's poll results got lost in my eyes when I gazed upon Best of the Super Juniors. This week's poll: