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| Kidd's hurt. WHO ELSE IS INJURED? Horb tells you this week Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Of course, I can't do this all alone. I need your help. YES YOU, I NEED YOUR HELP in giving me all the inside leads, the tips, and even the tips of your penis. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID IN YEARS, I NEED SOMETHING, ANYTHING. If you have anything that could be of use to me, I will need you to send it to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. Just don't expect any credit. Only altruistic goody-two-shoes jabronis want credit. ARE YOU A JABRONI? Also, if you want up to the second news updates, you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If not, then how will you know when exactly the moment CM Punk comes back to WWE, only to slip on a banana peel and crack his head on the steel grating, bleeding into a bucket Vince McMahon has rigged to collect his DNA so he can make more clones of Punk that aren't Corey Graves? YOU WON'T.
If you would like back issues of the newsletter, then you must, and the Horb means MUST, pray to Tlaloc, the Aztec god of rain, to send deluges down on San Jose, CA, enough so that Dave Meltzer's house gets flooded and I can swim in from below to steal the Eye of Hägskjoll, which is what he's used to control his sources for YEARS. I MUST HAVE THIS. It's the only thing keeping me from hegemony. I MUST HAVE IT. PRAY WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT, and then maybe, just maybe, I'll release the ENTIRE BACK CATALOG of the SKOOPZ newsletter.
The newsletter this week is sponsored by Chad Ochocinco's Guano Importer/Exporters. Do you want to grow tropical plants in your backyard and don't have the fertilizer to do it? Well, Ochocinco's Guano is just the thing for you. It will provide the essential nutrients for you to plant your banana trees, mango groves, and even some, ahem, not so legal plants as well. And who better to be an expert on bat shit than one of the most bat-shit crazy players in NFL history. When you want the best plants, you trust your guano only to the best brand names. Ochocinco.
Also, remember, you're here forever.
- Tyson Kidd's neck injury will keep him out for 14 months at least.
- Erick Rowan injured his arm while getting in a pre-match JO in in Saginaw, MI. Sources say WWE does not blame him because what else is there to do in Saginaw?
- Jamie Noble broke three ribs while smoking them for the post-show barbecue Monday, but that's what you get when you buy them from some dude selling them off the back of a truck.
- Ryback got injured at the Smackdown tapings because he's the Intercontinental Champion. It was bound to happen.
- Sami Zayn and Hideo Itami are formulating a plan to combine both their good shoulders and make a comeback as a split WWE superstar, much in the same way the Philadelphia Eagles and Pittsburgh Steelers combined during World War II thanks to roster shortages via the draft.
- Taz got his feelings hurt on Twitter. He is listed as day-to-day.
- John Cena suffered a total skeletal fracture at a house show Sunday. He is already back on the treadmill.
- Machine Gun Kelly suffered no injuries from being powerbombed through a table off the stage by Kevin Owens, but he suffered a broken arm, several lacerations on his face, and a bloody lip after Stan Hansen, King Kong Bundy, and Nikita Koloff got done roughing him up for exposing the business.
- Several TNA wrestlers are nursing injuries but are afraid to speak up for medical care, because Dixie Carter has already sent one wrestler to the glue factory.
- Mr. Koch, Mr. Mr. Aldo Nova Uniao Features Yair Laurence's 'hard' and, in general, across the country, a month to heal, but he had to fight, Conor McGregor added in less than three weeks, according to the results.
- Joey Janela is still trying to remove the foot Nick Gage shoved up his ass at the last Jersey Championship Wrestling show.
- Bayley suffered an unidentified injury to her arm. Some think it's a ploy so she can get the NXT locker room to sign her cast.
- Rey Mysterio, Jr. is said to have every single injury known to man, but because all the injuries in his body have cancelled each other out, he's been cleared to work. Apparently, it's not just a condition The Simpsons made up.
- Jon Snow is listed out for several months after receiving multiple stab wounds. Wait, is he a wrestler? I think I've been worked here.
- Last week's poll results are in, and 65% of you think that cocaine should be mandatory in WWE locker rooms, and 35% think that it should be legalized in this country. This week's poll: