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| All the news on Piper THIS WEEK from Ol' Horb Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Well, well, well, you people are BACK, begging, crying, nay, GROVELING for HORB FLERMBINBER to give you news like it is nectar of the gods. Well, you can find the first scoop of the week right here. MY SCOOPS ARE THE NECTAR OF THE GODS. BOW BEFORE ME, LEST I SMITE THEE. You think Todd Martin left Meltzer's site for the Torch on his own volition? NO, BIG DAVE ASKED ME TO MAIM HIM FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE SOUL.
I have given you all the biggest news of the week, including the expose on Jack Swagger and Kevin Dunn getting together and smuggling black tar heroin into the nation's day care centers. For me to keep getting those SCOOPS and NUGGETS to you, I need help getting them. Send me your tips to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com, and so help me god, if you ask for attribution, I will hunt you down and kill you. Also, follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber if you want to see witty banter between me and a fish.
How many times do I have to tell you, no one is getting ANY back issues from me until I pass this kidney stone. Jesus.
This week, the newsletter is sponsored by stealing quarters out of tollbooth collection baskets. Yes, it has come to petty theft from state governments on their turnpikes, bridges, and toll highways. Which state governments, though? Well, that is for me to know and you never to find out, lest I do hard time again at the state pen. I DON'T WANNA DO HARD TIME, ESPECIALLY NOT IN COBB COUNTY, GEORGIA.
Remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to... uh, now I forget.
- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper passed away Friday of cardiac arrest at the age of 61. He leaves behind a wife, four children, and a legion of fans angry at WWE that his last appearance on its programming had him shouting "AMERICA" at Rusev until Ryback got to the ring to brawl.
- Piper leaves behind a mixed albeit mostly popular legacy. Legend says that his most hated and questionable action was inventing the practice of putting ketchup on a hot dog in 1977.
- Services for Piper are still up in the air, as every time someone thinks they have the answer as to when and where the funeral will be held, another person changes the question.
- Ronda Rousey dedicated her win against Bethe Correia on Saturday night to Piper. Apparently, she didn't get the memo from Dana White that wrestling was "fake."
- White called wrestling "fake shit" on Twitter Saturday in comparison to his Ultimate Fighting Championship product, which is 100% real. He went onto chide anyone who watched Breaking Bad instead of going to a real meth lab, and that the events of Star Wars heavily distort the actions of the REAL Galactic Civil War heavily in favor of the Rebellion, and that if someone were really there fighting on the front lines, they'd have a better appreciation.
- White tried walking his comments back the next day, but NOPE, once you say something, THAT IS YOUR OPINION FOREVER. NEVER CHANGE YOUR MIND, EVER.
- WWE is releasing a new product called Rousey Water, because the company is so goddamn thirsty for the MMA superstar.
- White now says he thinks Rosie vs. Cyborg making purchase 2500000 PPV. I think that he did not read the note, that the PPV is dead. Encouraged the idea of putting Connor McGregor and Rhonda Rosie together a show in December Cowboys Stadium in Dallas.
- John Cena vs. Seth Rollins has been announced for SummerSlam despite Cena being out until the RAW on the last Monday before the event. WWE officials are hoping that by having Cena work the similar number of dates as Brock Lesnar that he can provide the same business impact as Lesnar.
- Uhaa Nation was given the NXT name "Apollo Crews." If you think that's bad, the first three drafts were Marcus Jamal, Cam Vick, and Tupac Obama.
- Stephen Amell, star of CW's hit television show Arrow, will guest star on RAW next week, presumable to shoot Stardust through the heart with an arrow and hoot and holler mindlessly while the fans cheer yet another celebrity making a wrestler look foolish.
- In related news, WWE officials are trying to plan around Stardust's massive blood loss and possible death from being shot in the heart with an arrow for his match against Neville at SummerSlam.
- WWE signed seven-year-old Elijah Mainville to a WWE contract. He immediately traded wins with Wade Barrett.
- Backstage news concerning the Submission Sorority name reveals that it started out as a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes, but ended up as a rib on Renee Young for being Canadian.
- Last week's poll results and this week's poll have been redacted thanks to CHUDs.
I have given you all the biggest news of the week, including the expose on Jack Swagger and Kevin Dunn getting together and smuggling black tar heroin into the nation's day care centers. For me to keep getting those SCOOPS and NUGGETS to you, I need help getting them. Send me your tips to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com, and so help me god, if you ask for attribution, I will hunt you down and kill you. Also, follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber if you want to see witty banter between me and a fish.
How many times do I have to tell you, no one is getting ANY back issues from me until I pass this kidney stone. Jesus.
This week, the newsletter is sponsored by stealing quarters out of tollbooth collection baskets. Yes, it has come to petty theft from state governments on their turnpikes, bridges, and toll highways. Which state governments, though? Well, that is for me to know and you never to find out, lest I do hard time again at the state pen. I DON'T WANNA DO HARD TIME, ESPECIALLY NOT IN COBB COUNTY, GEORGIA.
Remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to remember to... uh, now I forget.
- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper passed away Friday of cardiac arrest at the age of 61. He leaves behind a wife, four children, and a legion of fans angry at WWE that his last appearance on its programming had him shouting "AMERICA" at Rusev until Ryback got to the ring to brawl.
- Piper leaves behind a mixed albeit mostly popular legacy. Legend says that his most hated and questionable action was inventing the practice of putting ketchup on a hot dog in 1977.
- Services for Piper are still up in the air, as every time someone thinks they have the answer as to when and where the funeral will be held, another person changes the question.
- Ronda Rousey dedicated her win against Bethe Correia on Saturday night to Piper. Apparently, she didn't get the memo from Dana White that wrestling was "fake."
- White called wrestling "fake shit" on Twitter Saturday in comparison to his Ultimate Fighting Championship product, which is 100% real. He went onto chide anyone who watched Breaking Bad instead of going to a real meth lab, and that the events of Star Wars heavily distort the actions of the REAL Galactic Civil War heavily in favor of the Rebellion, and that if someone were really there fighting on the front lines, they'd have a better appreciation.
- White tried walking his comments back the next day, but NOPE, once you say something, THAT IS YOUR OPINION FOREVER. NEVER CHANGE YOUR MIND, EVER.
- WWE is releasing a new product called Rousey Water, because the company is so goddamn thirsty for the MMA superstar.
- White now says he thinks Rosie vs. Cyborg making purchase 2500000 PPV. I think that he did not read the note, that the PPV is dead. Encouraged the idea of putting Connor McGregor and Rhonda Rosie together a show in December Cowboys Stadium in Dallas.
- John Cena vs. Seth Rollins has been announced for SummerSlam despite Cena being out until the RAW on the last Monday before the event. WWE officials are hoping that by having Cena work the similar number of dates as Brock Lesnar that he can provide the same business impact as Lesnar.
- Uhaa Nation was given the NXT name "Apollo Crews." If you think that's bad, the first three drafts were Marcus Jamal, Cam Vick, and Tupac Obama.
- Stephen Amell, star of CW's hit television show Arrow, will guest star on RAW next week, presumable to shoot Stardust through the heart with an arrow and hoot and holler mindlessly while the fans cheer yet another celebrity making a wrestler look foolish.
- In related news, WWE officials are trying to plan around Stardust's massive blood loss and possible death from being shot in the heart with an arrow for his match against Neville at SummerSlam.
- WWE signed seven-year-old Elijah Mainville to a WWE contract. He immediately traded wins with Wade Barrett.
- Backstage news concerning the Submission Sorority name reveals that it started out as a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes, but ended up as a rib on Renee Young for being Canadian.
- Last week's poll results and this week's poll have been redacted thanks to CHUDs.