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| WHAT'S SAMI ZAYN GOING TO BE DOING FOR EVOLVE? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
I report all the news I can, and I have a 110-percent accuracy rate, but I can't glean all the scoops by myself. You see, until someone invents a way for me to be omnipresent in addition to my omnipotence and omniscience, I need to rely on tips from anonymous, AND I STRESS THE WORD ANONYMOUS, YOU GLORY BOY TIPSTERS, sources. If you have any juicy news you need to see passed on, e-mail me at ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. And if you can't go a week without getting my scoops pumped directly into your eyeballs, then follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. I will give you all the news you need on an instantaneous basis, like that time Rebel had a wardrobe malfunction on Impact that caused her gear to light on fire.
If you'd like back issues of my newsletter, then you must send a self-addressed stamped envelope straight into my brain. I have drilled a slot in my skull that allows me to pull things out of it, and if you're powerful enough to send me a psychic message that will materialize inside of my brain, then you will be found worthy of being able to gaze upon the past scoops I have dealt out to my paying customers. If you can't, then don't fret. You may still prove worthy if you can jump into the crater of Mt. Vesuvius and come out alive. Only three people have done this, and two of them went off to live on another planet with the rest of the Heaven's Gate cult went bye-bye with the Hale-Bopp comet. I would have joined them, but I was too busy rooting through Shawn Michaels' garbage at the time.
This week, the newsletter is brought to you by the National Football League. Nah, just kidding, those leeches don't give money to anyone, they just take. This week, the newsletter is brought to you by me selling off 30 quarts of plasma to the local blood bank. I know what you're thinking, how can someone donate that much? Well, I didn't say it was all mine. In fact, none of it was.
Remember, stall until I get back, okay?
- Sami Zayn will appear for EVOLVE during the promotion's shows this weekend in an unprecedented move that certainly confirms a partnership between WWE and WWN Live. Zayn's appearance almost assures that EVOLVE 51's main event will feature Mojo Rawley vs. Anthony Nese in a 45 minute ironman match.
- Zayn's appearance at EVOLVE entails him running the promotion's Twitter feed and tweeting "How's the feed?" every 15 minutes.
- WWE and ESPN announced a partnership yesterday. ESPN will air a RAW recap Tuesday at 9 PM on SportsCenter, while WWE has promised that the next time Bill Simmons is a guest on its programming that Vince McMahon will personally throw his skinny ass into the Titan Towers gulag for an indefinite period of time.
- Ratings for this week are in, and, bad news, RAW was tied for super last place with reruns of Sanford and Son on TV Land.
- James Storm appeared at the NXT tapings on Thursday. He worked a match, albeit on a per-appearance basis. TNA is aggressively trying to get him to sign a contract to keep him in the fold. Sources say that the contract amount was to be a million per year. However, many expect Storm not so sign when he finds out the fine print says "one million pennies per year," not dollars.
- Myzteziz has left AAA, presumably to sign a deal with rival CMLL when his dates with the former company are up. In keeping with the naming tradition, his name in CMLL will most likely by Mxyzpltk.
- Rusev and Lana announced their engagement over the weekend. WWE is allegedly furious over the action as it has seemingly ruined the breakup angle it has spent minutes working on.
- PAUL HEYMAN on whether CM Punk will come back to WWE: "He's definitely not coming back right now, but you vulturous ghouls won't let me leave until I say he might come back in the future, will you?"
- New Japan Pro Wrestling announced its Best of the Super Juniors tournament this past weekend, and let me tell you, I am ready to give every single match in it no fewer than four stars.
- NXT Takeover: Respect was met with enthusiasm, especially over the Bayley/Sasha Banks main event. I've seen people give the match five stars. Really? People are grading this shit on a curve, for fuck's sake. DON'T THEY KNOW THAT THEY REHEARSED THEIR MATCHES? I hate people. I want to spit in everyone's face who had a positive word to say about that match especially.
- Alberto el Patron bailed on Westside Xtreme Wrestling's latest show over an alleged dispute over airline tickets. However, my sources have told me that WXW cancelled the booking when he found out el Patron was just going to try and recreate the Lufthansa heist from Goodfellas.
- Rey Mysterio, Jr. has won the Destiny Heavyweight Championship. Santino Marella owns the promotion, which is proof positive that Mysterio is headed back to WWE to unify that title with the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
- Jim Cornette recently said that women only go to wrestling shows to "get laid," while winking and nudging hard at the interviewer.
- Josh Gad, Broadway star and the voice of Olaf the Snowman in Disney's Frozen will pen WWE Films' Gorgeous George biopic. WWE officials had to be convinced, however, when Gad promised to add new characters into the movie, including an anthropomorphic hair product called Bob E. Pinn.
- The divorce between Charlotte and Bram is close to being finalized. Charlotte has blocked Bram from receiving any of her WWE money. In response, TNA Wrestling has signed Bram to another five multi-year contracts.
- John Cena interrupted his match with Dolph Ziggler Monday night to acknowledge a couple that had gotten engaged right at the beginning of the match. Cena wished the couple a happy marriage before adding "I hope you guys have enough wedded bliss for two couples, since I clearly will never propose to Nikki Bella."
- The reason why John Cena will be taking time off between Hell in a Cell and the new year? He's going to be a contestant on Chopped.
- Meanwhile, Ziggler commented on his suspension that happened shortly after he debuted under that name in 2009: "Cocaine is a hell of a drug."
- Ziggler also told a ghost story this past week, which was said to be not nearly as scary as his average standup comedy set.
- IS CESARO BEING PUNISHED? My sources in WWE say no, but Dave Meltzer says yes. My tiebreaker source Tammy Sytch, however, said "Are you finally going to pay me for all those Skype Sessions we had, or do I have to block your number again?"
- Paige hung out with SHIMMER wrestlers after the Vol. 78/79 tapings on Sunday in Chicago. Is this because she's so far in the doghouse that she's looking for employment opportunities when the ax falls? It would be irresponsible to speculate on such a specious premise, but I can say yes, she was there looking for a safety net, beyond any shadow of a doubt. MUST CREDIT HORB.
- Portia Perez announced her retirement before the SHIMMER shows this weekend. She will take up her second career as powerlifter and competitor on the World's Strongest Man docket.
- Daizee Haze and Lacey wrestled their first matches in four and five years respectively in the main event of SHIMMER Vol. 79 in Perez's retirement match. Their appearance was well-received until the scent of the mothballs they've been packed in for the last few years permeated the Berwyn Eagles Club.
- Playboy has announced it will stop publishing nude pictures in March 2016, so if you want to see WWE Diva titties in the future, you have to pretend the ones that that WWE Bible account posts aren't blatant Photoshops.
- Devin Taylor has been released, but not before spitting in Dana Brooke's protein shake tumbler.
- Athena debuted on the NXT house show circuit this weekend under the new name, Minerva.
- IS BLUE PANTS DONE WITH NXT? Leva Bates denied the reports, but rovert was seen masturbating in public and screaming "Yes!" repeatedly until he fell over drunk into the Irish Sea.
- WWE is reportedly skeptical about Eva Marie as a wrestler in NXT, and are now looking into renting her out to replace cigar store Indians.
- Wade Barrett said in an interview that he'd love to be in the tag division. "I mean, at least then, I'll only be taking pins every OTHER match, y'know?"
- MMA Junkie Radio on Monday after starring Sage Northcutt, UFC lightweight Kevin Lee is a call to the show. Northcutt's like having a fight with a lot of attention, we are going to be a lot of that in the next few months.
- WWE has released a video of five wrestlers Vince McMahon has defeated, because you need to remember who the real supermen are in this world.
- Last week's poll results are in, and fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. This week: