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| Wrestler of the Year? LOL, no son, no Photo Credit: WWE.com |
And now, without further ado...
Seth Rollins - I hate that the man got hurt, but if I had to hear one more 20 minute long nasally promo to kick off RAW to set up another match with Dolph Ziggler or Dean Ambrose that was the same shitty weaksauce match they had last week, I was gonna throw my TV across the street. And to think, he's getting serious Wrestler of the Year love. Hilarious.
Zahra Schreiber - Nazi punks fuck off.
Sunny - Speaking of super right-wing nutbag WWE tangential people, when she was just selling "adult Skype dates," it was one thing. A woman's gotta earn a living however she can, even if she's preying on gross dudes. But the whole militant right wing "I hate minorities" thing she has going is, well, not a good look.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon - I'm at the point where his onscreen character doesn't even do it for me anymore. He looks old, tired, withered, like he's a 70 year-old man who has not taken a single millisecond of time off from his high-stress job since he took over as the Head Bee Guy for his dad over 30 years ago. McMahon the man is ruining WWE television. McMahon the character can fuck right off with interrupting Bo Dallas and kicking Roman Reigns in the dick.
Ethan Page - I was relieved when Josh Alexander retired and Pro Wrestling Guerrilla stopped booking this fuckboy because it meant PWG only wanted the tag partner and wasn't interested in his mediocrity shitting up the joint.
Michael Elgin - Nope, still don't get Michael Elgin, slightly ironic #BigMike hashtag or not.
Paul Heyman - The sight of this windbag obsequiously singing "GLORY GLORY BROCK LESNAR" on RAW was the definition of go-away heat for me. But by all means, please continue encouraging him by claiming he's actually helping to get the man who only needs to throw people around and smile sociopathically to be popular get over.
PS, I'm still bitter about Cesaro.
Chavo Guerrero - Hopefully, he's not coming back to Lucha Underground, because holy shit. Holy shit.
Jeff Jarrett - I'm absolutely shocked that he didn't put his World Championship on himself at the television tapings of shows that might see the light of day by 2021.
JBL, Michael Cole, Booker T, Jerry Lawler - The WWE announce team may not be totally at fault for its systemic and complete failure to do its job, which is to get the wrestlers over that are in the ring. McMahon always being in their ears has to take them off their game intentionally. But I can't shake the rampant sexism or JBL's utter conviction at burying people in the least constructive way possible as his only real passion or Cole's utter dismissal of anything that isn't John Cena. Give me an option to mute commentary if these clowns are going to muss up the table. And for Christ's sake, if Mauro Ranallo is gonna be given the play-by-play chair on Smackdown, don't put anyone in his goddamn ear.
Texano, Jr. - I don't know why I hate the Texano character so much because it's so whitebread and bland that it doesn't inspire anything. Then again, Texano is the epitome of vanilla in a world where everyone else is awash in interest and intrigue. That's a cardinal sin.
Alex Riley - The happiest I've been as a wrestling fan all year was watching Kevin Owens own the shit out of him on Twitter and then stomp him as he was down while escaping from Finn Bálor. I don't know what that says about me, but I'm okay with it.
Tony Kozina - Why do all the liberals in wrestling have to be the most throbbing, smelly assholes too?
Jim Ross - Newsflash, Ross sucked at WrestleKingdom 9. Absolutely, unequivocally blew out his own asshole. He could have farted in the microphone in response to Matt Striker's commentary, and it would have been a billion times higher.
Jack Swagger - Swagger is talented; he really is. And honestly, circumstance probably led him to exposing the crowd's latent ickiness through a babyface white supremacy. But I can't watch him anymore and think "wow, a good wrestler is in the ring." It feels like I'm watching a guy waiting to run out his contract so he can try out for Bellator.
Stephanie McMahon - She's the worst kind of heel because she doesn't deign to wrestle against the women for whom she corporately mandates a revolution (think about that for a second), and because of sponsors, TV-PG ratings, and WWE's total lack of framework that supports women as third-class citizens behind men and anthropomorphic miniature bulls, she can get all the heat she wants on any member of the roster without receiving an ounce of comeuppance. When was the last time someone hoisted her by her own petard? Vickie Guerrero dumping her in the pudding on her way out? Joke's on you, McMahon was still a principal owner of WWE, and Guerrero was out of a job.
Teddy Hart - Okay, so this entry is one of those that will venture into real life circumstances because yeah, Hart stands accused of some serious sexual assault charges. Dude is probably a scumbag rapist. He shouldn't be getting bookings anywhere, and yet, he is. Now, one of those places in the past has been Inspire Pro Wrestling. Full disclosure, I know people within the company. I wasn't happy having to watch one of his matches from last year, but that booking was taken before the charges surfaced. However, he was booked again afterwards, which made me feel uncomfortable. So I talked to the people within the company I knew. They said that Hart gave them a flim-flam excuse about the charges that they later on found out weren't true. I was given assurance that Hart would never be booked there again. Whether or not you're satisfied or not is your prerogative, but I have no reason to think that those representatives would lie to me. It sucks that he was even booked there in the first place, but mistakes can be forgiven as long as you make efforts not to make them again, right? Of course, he's a shitty wrestler anymore too, but that's not really a sin. Hopefully, he gets arrested and put on trial, because wrestling companies shouldn't be aiding and abetting rape culture.
Undertaker - Just retire, you dick-punchin' old man.
BJ Whitmer - On one hand, I feel bad for the guy, but on the other, he's still trying to wrestle with spinal stenosis. Ring of Honor is fucked for letting him continue, for sure, but what kind of example is he setting for people who should be looking after their health first? Fuck all the way the fuck off.
Jim Cornette - I see Jim Cornette out there trying to increase his Wrestler Q Rating that has taken a beating from his constant bashing of the Young Bucks, Kevin Owens, and anything else interesting by trying to add Islamophobia to his brand. I wish I could be surprised, but really, has Cornette ever done anything in his life to show he wasn't a small, hateful, angry man?
Gabe Sapolsky - Can't wait to see the next lucrative conglomerate to bail his slimy ass out when Triple H realizes he's not worth the investment.
Shannon Moore - Wait, people are still booking this toolbag?
Togi Makabe - Don't feel bad for Makabe; he'll just no-sell this entry like it was a punch from Tomohiro Ishii and pretend that I'm his biggest fan.
CM Punk - He's technically not a wrestler anymore, but people still give him a spotlight to spew his douchebaggery into wrestling channels, even though he doesn't want to be there at all. Enough. And stop chanting his goddamn name.
"Machine Gun" Karl Anderson - The only person with a face more punchable than his is Ted Cruz.
Hulk Hogan - I kinda wish McMahon rolled the dice with Junkyard Dog instead of him at the first WrestleMania now.
Triple H as a RAW roster member/co-leader of The Authority - He's only slightly better than Stephanie McMahon because he'll at least put someone over in the ring. But man, this Authority ship sailed a long time ago, and it's aging worse than processed cheese. Also, Sting should have won at Mania, dammit.