Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 2

Things aren't looking up for Jarrett and the former TNA Photo Credit: Lee South/ImpactWrestling.com

So, you bastards thought you were rid of ol' HORB FLERBMINBER after one week of bringing you all the NEWS on The Wrestling Blog again, weren't you? Well, you're wrong, DEAD WRONG. I am BACK to expose all the news and unleash all the TAKES. Dave Meltzer ain't got NOTHIN' on me except for traps. My god, his traps are EPIC. I never thought a trapezius muscle could have that much definition, but THOSE TRAPS STILL CAN'T GET HIM SCOOPS OVER ME, NO THEY CAN'T.

These scoops are only a mere sampling, an amuse bouche so to speak, of what I can offer. You have to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber, if you want the instant news and takes, and I mean instant. I reported that Jim Cornette would declare a fatwa on the Young Bucks before they passed off a Satanic ritual as a wrestling match. I AM THAT ACCURATE. In fact, if you subscribe to my newsletter, you'll not only get access to past issues, but also FUTURE issues as well. For example...

• January 9, 2019 - The life and times of Daryl Takahashi, whose ninth life was extinguished at WrestleKingdom 13 when Sexy Star appeared to put him in an armbar.
• June 14, 2023 - I cover in detail the cybernetic surgery performed to transplant Vince McMahon's brain from his deceased body to a robotic octopus.
• June 28, 2023 - Special double issue printed in honor of Robot Octopus Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the new Overlord of Eastern North America, the United Kingdom, and Svalbard.
• April 5, 2084 - Complete coverage of WWE/New Japan/Mars Capitol Wrestling WrestleMania 100, including the big title unification match featuring WWE Universal Champion Lionel Levesque-Hogan, IWGP World Champion Kenzo Miahara, WWE Mexican Champion El Hijo del Hijo de la Hjia del Hijo del Dr. Wagner, Jr., Jr., and WCW Champion Terry Funk.
• December 19, 250,000,000 - Humanity has been extinct for 40 million years and replaced by sentient mushrooms, and still no one can challenge WWE hegemony in professional wrestling. What gives?

All this and more, just for giving me your credit card number, expiration date, three-digit security code, and your mother's maiden name! And now, the news.

- Jeff Jarrett has stepped away from Global Force Wrestling, taking indefinite leave. Meanwhile, Anthem is looking at divesting from the wrestling company, citing major financial losses. Expect the company to finally die out 10¹⁰⁰ years from now, just after the heat death of the Universe.

- JBL left WWE to concentrate on grifting people out of money to shovel into his Bermuda tax shelter.

- Vince McMahon commented on JBL's departure, "HE'S NOT LEAVING BECAUSE HE'S A BULLY. IN FACT, HE'S THE FURTHEST THING FROM BEING A BULLY. IF YOU COULDN'T STAND UP TO HIS STRAIGHT FACTS, YOU'RE JUST A THROBBING PUSSY. FUCK YOU."

- John Cena is considered a front-runner to play Billy Batson in DC's Shazam movie adaptation. The Rock has already signed on to play nemesis Black Adam, so get your "Thrice in a lifetime" jokes ready now, guys.

- Ricochet won this year's Battle of Los Angeles, strangely enough with a Benadryller on Dave Meltzer.

- WWE will air RAW live on Christmas and New Year's Days this year, at least until the head of USA Network is visited by four spirits on Christmas Eve in an attempt to change his miserly ways.

- Sexy Star, meanwhile, has commented on her shooting incident on Rosemary at TripleMania, stating "Well, I was doing the armbar motion in the middle of the ring. If Rosemary hadn't laid down there right in my path, she'd have escaped harm."

- The Four Horsewomen of MMA confronted the Four Horsewomen of NXT in a Mae Young Classic vignette that will set up a match between the two factions further down the line. Not everyone is happy about it. Anonymous locker room source CJ Perry said "How dare these divas think they can stack up to real athletes like Ronda Rousey? The egos on them are out of control."

- Nikki Bella has been confirmed for the next season of Dancing with the Stars. In exchange, host Tom Bergeron will appear on Total Bellas as the sassy butler who gives Daniel Bryan a hard time about his flannel wardrobe.

- Yoshihiro Takayama has movement in his shoulders again after a freak in-ring accident left his paralyzed. While doctors are pessimistic for a full recovery, Takayama is hoping he can again one day stand in close quarters with Don Frye and recklessly trade punches with no defensive action whatsoever.

- WWE has signed Donovan Dijak, who celebrated his new job by name-searching everyone who has ever shit-talked him and compiling a list of people whose asses he'll kick before reporting to the Performance Center, a la the end of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

- I've just been informed that no one likes Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back except for me and Jason Mewes. Well fuck you.

- Triple H comforted Bianca Belair after her loss in the Mae Young Classic, which is why he's been sleeping on the couch for the last week and a half.

- Ric Flair publicly spoke for the first time since recovering from his surgery when he walked out his front door in a bathrobe, flashed the mailwoman, and shouted WOO!

- The Right Proper Mates defeated Team Japanese Ladies Or Something in the King of Trios final. Eh, who cares, it's only Chikara.

- Darren Young returned to action, but it's a NON-STORY.

- Ring of Honor has replaced its World Championship belt with an actual ring. Sinclair Broadcasting Group representative Shadowy Figure in a Trenchcoat said "We have to cut costs, you know? Our CEO can't buy 10,000 thread count toilet paper if we're spending money on frivolous things like title belts and health insurance."

- EVOLVE has announced Davey Richards will challenge for the company's top title against Zack Sabre, Jr. in Michigan on September 21. The match will be part of Richards' 13-year long farewell tour from wrestling as he prepares to become a paramedic.

Last week's poll results are in, and an overwhelming 94 percent of you think I could totally kick Todd Martin's ass in a real fight while six percent of you abstained from deciding on grounds that it violated your religion. This week's poll: