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| DID KAIRI SANE WIN THE MYC? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
You know what's NOT futile? FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER. You can get all the up-to-the-INSTANT news by mashing that follow button, @HorbFlerbminber. Besides, not only will you get news, you'll know when I start shitposting in reply to something dumb Mr. 450 tweets. IT'LL BE A SCREAM. You should also subscribe to my newsletter for even more in-depth coverage of wrestling, MMA, kickboxing, and for some reason, cribbage. How can you do this? Well, I have no fucking idea. But if I find out, you'll get access to such back issues as:
- February 10, 1988 - Stan Hansen's back.
- October 25, 1995 - Scott Hall's back.
- December 26, 2001 - Santa Claus' back.
- April 2, 2008 - Bryan Danielson's back.
- September 6, 2017 - Io Shirai's back.
- Kairi Sane defeated Shayna Baszler in the finals of the Mae Young Classic. She was given a trophy, a bouquet of roses, and the official nickname, Kairi "In" Sane "in the Membrane." Vince McMahon thought it might appeal to "the youths."
- Sane will challenge for the vacant NXT Women's Championship at Takeover: Houston against Sir Francis Drake in a first-ever pirate vs. pirate matchup.
- According to Jim Ross, WHO WAS THE GREATEST ANNOUNCER OF ALL-TIME DURING THIS TOURNAMENT, YOU HEATHENS, Baszler is still walking home from Las Vegas to Sioux Falls, SD as stipulated in her MYC contract.
- Ronda Rousey appeared at the Mae Young Classic final, but all she did was yell fat slurs at Nia Jax. Nia Jax wasn't even there man, what the hell.
- The Miz and Maryse announced they were having a baby on RAW this week on Monday Night RAW, fueling speculation that it might be a work. However, Miz proved that his wife indeed was pregnant by shrinking down, entering a tiny ship, and visiting the fetus as part of his role in the remake of The Fantastic Voyage, coming to theaters in April 2018 from WWE Films.
- Asuka will officially go to the RAW roster, where she's scheduled to take the pinfall in a Fatal Five Way match from Alexa Bliss at Survivor Series and then shuffle into a feud over who has the most ridiculous hashtags on Twitter with Emma until she goes back to Japan early next year.
- Big Show is set to undergo hip surgery as soon as they can find a crane big enough to be able to prop his leg up.
- Mick Foley also underwent knee replacement surgery. He'll be healthy enough to boot Frank the Clown in his ugly mug in about three to four weeks.
- NXT postponed house shows this past week due to Hurricane Irma. Vince McMahon is reportedly FURIOUS at Paul "Triple H" Levesque for kowtowing to a storm with such a wimpy-sounding name.
- Bobby Fish, Kyle O'Reilly, and Adam Cole had their stable given an official name today. It's called "We All Quit Ring of Honor, and All We Got Were These Lousy T-Shirts."
- Jon Jones tested positive for "goofballs" it seems. Goofballs are a banned substance in UFC, although wacky-tobaccy is not.
- SMACKDOWN HIGHLIGHTS: Kevin Owens blatantly ripped off Katsuyori Shibata by headbutting someone more prominent than him in the same company. It remains to be seen whether he further boosted the strong-style scion by giving himself a subdural hematoma as well.
- Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor failed to break the all-time record for gate for their superfight last month. The record was set last year, when 200,000 people gathered Daytona Motor Speedway to see Steve Bannon unsuccessfully attempt to suck his own dick.
- RAW ratings were down for the Labor Day episode. As punishment, Braun Strowman was executed by firing squad.
- Meanwhile, Impact ratings have dropped again. Somehow, negative people now watch the show, as in less than zero, not pessimists.
- Kassius Ohno will challenge for the ICW Championship in Scotland, and if he doesn't win, Terry Taylor will make him work ring crew for the rest of his WWE career.
- Booker T will do a live show in Los Angeles as a benefit for victims of Hurricane Harvey. He will attempt to suck his own dick at the Rose Bowl.
- Nia Jax was a runway model this past weekend at theCURVYCon fashion show. Not everyone in the company was happy with her. Anonymous backstage tipster CJ Perry said, "Ugh, how DARE she take that opportunity! That's Tyler Breeze's gimmick! How selfish and rude she is. No, I didn't ask Tyler how he felt. What do you think I am, friendly to these idiots backstage?"
- IS ANTHEM ATTEMPTING TO GET OUT OF THE WRESTLING BUSINESS? I caught up with Ed Nordholm as he was trying to load several suitcases full of money and personal belongings from Impact Wrestling headquarters onto a bus headed to the Yukon, and he said "FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!"
- Antonio Inoki will be returning to North Korea this month. He forgot his toothbrush there in 1995.
- Cody Rhodes cut a promo about how he wasn't regretful of his open challenge after Minoru Suzuki answered it. "Honestly," he said, "I don't need both kidneys, y'know?"
- Ben Askren on why he is retiring from MMA: "Honestly, Dana White's head looks like an albino penis."
- Meanwhile, White wasn't in attendance for UFC 215, because according to Ariel Helwani, he had "business to take care of." I did some digging and found out he was showing Ted Cruz how to search for porn on Twitter.
- Ric Flair is changing representation because his prior agent failed to procure him a whiskey sour the last time he was at the bar.
- AJ Styles appeared at the NWA Wildside reunion on Sunday. Vince McMahon gave him the okay after Styles convinced him that WWE actually owned their tape library.
- ENZO AMORE HEAT UPDATE: Miz's comments to him this Monday on RAW were actually in response to him attempting to play piano until Liv Morgan came back to him. Not only has this already been done, he doesn't know how to play piano and basically pissed everyone off backstage who was in earshot.
- WrestleCircus, OTT, and Global Force Wrestling seem to have a tontine over who can book the most odious wrestler for their show. OTT dropped out after it cancelled Bram though, so expect the competition between the two remaining to be stiff.
- John Cena and Shaquille O'Neal appeared together in an episode of Carpool Karaoke, but instead of singing songs, they both just cracked jokes about Big Show.
- CMLL announced that in response to AAA TripleMania, it would be booking Princesa Sugehit to take a shoot lead pipe to both of Zeuxis' kneecaps during their match.
- Natalya Neidhart wrote an article about 25 things you may not know about her. Excerpts included that she once decapitated a tiger with her bare hands, that she once survived under a Yukon Territory ice sheet for three days, subsisting on air bubbles and Arctic char, and that she makes a mean omelet.
- Christy Hemme is pregnant with quadruplets. Mike Quackenbush is already lobbying to get them enrolled in the Wrestle Factory so that three of them can win his sham Trios tournament in 2039.
- Breaking news, I have been fined by the FCC for making more than one joke about someone trying to suck his own dick in a parody news post.
Last week's poll results are in, and ooh, they're gruesome. This week's poll: