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| Girls Grand Prix? Pfft, NBD for this Canadian. Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:
1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - At this rate, Daniel Bryan will be Best in the Universe by the end of the month. Zerblax the Transmogrifier has had a good run out in the V439 Andromeda system, and there's a crab from the Crab Nebula that's making some noise. But if Bryan keeps doing things like murkin' The Shield and going HAM all over folks in WWE? Well, it'll be hard to deny him.
2. Cherry Bomb (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Cherry Bomb won the Girls Grand Prix 2 tournament despite the fact that Jessicka Havok inserted herself into the final without having wrestled anyone else during the night. How rude, but not as rude as when Havok invited herself to Ms. Bomb's celebratory dinner and didn't even bring a goddamn dessert.
3. Tim Donst (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I know Donst lost his hair (again), but if you read between the lines of his latest blog, which posted a day before Aniversario: Never Compromise, well, maybe there's more illumination on the events that closed the show. He didn't murder Gavin Loudspeaker in the ring like he wanted, and the show went on. So he called an audible and beat up his "pawn," Wink Vavasseur, who in turn watched Chikara burn while he ate an apple (OF DISCORD?). And who was being attended to in the background? Loudspeaker. Don't hate the player or the game here. That's some impressive anarchy.
4. Rachel Summerlyn (Last Week: 2) - No truth to the rumor that she created create-a-wrestlers of herself and Cherry Bomb so they could unify the Girls Grand Prix titles on WWE '13. The actual truth is those CAWs were created on WWF No Mercy. IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
5. Cheesy Home Fries (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Almost as good as bacon at the breakfast table. Almost.
6. Mark Henry (Last Week: 3) - Whatever source leaked that there was "heat" on Henry backstage for missing time has been terminated. No one puts heat on Mark Henry. He puts heat on suckas who don't recognize.
7. Domonic Brown (Last Week: Not Ranked) - National League Player of the Month for May is an honor beneath this man. He should also get a James Beard Award for mashing baseballs into a fine paste that actually, thanks to the impact off his bat, is edible and quite tasty.
8. Veronica Ticklefeather (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Man, you don't treat a woman as fine as the elegant Black Swan-motifed Ticklefeather like dirt and not expect a slap in the face. In fact, Donst got off lucky. If she wasn't all dressed up for the occasion, she might have shived him with the baton end. Can't get blood on a black dress like that. Don't care how dark the fabric is, it'll stain.
9. Kane (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I gotta give props for trying to keep the team together, even as Bryan is just melting faces and not caring how it affects anyone around him. He's just being a good sport, which is good for being the only babyface in WWE at the moment. That counts for something.
10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: Although she could not be held responsible for what happened after, Bryce Remsburg called in a favor to her to fly into Philadelphia and clasp shut the rift in the space time continuum before Aniversario: Never Compromise began. It is rumored that if she did not do so, the timeline would have collapsed, and Sting would have walked out Chikara Grand Champion. No one would have wanted that.
1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - At this rate, Daniel Bryan will be Best in the Universe by the end of the month. Zerblax the Transmogrifier has had a good run out in the V439 Andromeda system, and there's a crab from the Crab Nebula that's making some noise. But if Bryan keeps doing things like murkin' The Shield and going HAM all over folks in WWE? Well, it'll be hard to deny him.
2. Cherry Bomb (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Cherry Bomb won the Girls Grand Prix 2 tournament despite the fact that Jessicka Havok inserted herself into the final without having wrestled anyone else during the night. How rude, but not as rude as when Havok invited herself to Ms. Bomb's celebratory dinner and didn't even bring a goddamn dessert.
3. Tim Donst (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I know Donst lost his hair (again), but if you read between the lines of his latest blog, which posted a day before Aniversario: Never Compromise, well, maybe there's more illumination on the events that closed the show. He didn't murder Gavin Loudspeaker in the ring like he wanted, and the show went on. So he called an audible and beat up his "pawn," Wink Vavasseur, who in turn watched Chikara burn while he ate an apple (OF DISCORD?). And who was being attended to in the background? Loudspeaker. Don't hate the player or the game here. That's some impressive anarchy.
4. Rachel Summerlyn (Last Week: 2) - No truth to the rumor that she created create-a-wrestlers of herself and Cherry Bomb so they could unify the Girls Grand Prix titles on WWE '13. The actual truth is those CAWs were created on WWF No Mercy. IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
5. Cheesy Home Fries (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Almost as good as bacon at the breakfast table. Almost.
6. Mark Henry (Last Week: 3) - Whatever source leaked that there was "heat" on Henry backstage for missing time has been terminated. No one puts heat on Mark Henry. He puts heat on suckas who don't recognize.
7. Domonic Brown (Last Week: Not Ranked) - National League Player of the Month for May is an honor beneath this man. He should also get a James Beard Award for mashing baseballs into a fine paste that actually, thanks to the impact off his bat, is edible and quite tasty.
8. Veronica Ticklefeather (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Man, you don't treat a woman as fine as the elegant Black Swan-motifed Ticklefeather like dirt and not expect a slap in the face. In fact, Donst got off lucky. If she wasn't all dressed up for the occasion, she might have shived him with the baton end. Can't get blood on a black dress like that. Don't care how dark the fabric is, it'll stain.
9. Kane (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I gotta give props for trying to keep the team together, even as Bryan is just melting faces and not caring how it affects anyone around him. He's just being a good sport, which is good for being the only babyface in WWE at the moment. That counts for something.
10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: Although she could not be held responsible for what happened after, Bryce Remsburg called in a favor to her to fly into Philadelphia and clasp shut the rift in the space time continuum before Aniversario: Never Compromise began. It is rumored that if she did not do so, the timeline would have collapsed, and Sting would have walked out Chikara Grand Champion. No one would have wanted that.