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| Madison Eagles after eating her sandwich Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
I write two blogs. Obviously this one is the first, and Holzerman Hungers is the second. I've slacked a little on the latter lately, but it doesn't mean my passion for food is any less robust. I should know, I'm still struggling to lose weight. Anyway, I love combining my passions whenever I can, so why not do so with wrestling and food? Grilled cheese is all the rage lately culinarily, and just the luck of everyone going to Beyond Wrestling's Americanrana next week, Championship Melt is going to be there slingin' the kid and adult friendly dish. They have plenty of specialty grilled cheeses, but I figured I could add a few wrestler-themed sandwiches to the menu. Without further ado, here are six...
1. The Madison Eagles
Our first offering comes from the Land Down Under. Australia isn't necessarily a cheese culture (GET IT!), but they have rindless cheddars. I'd take an extra sharp one as the basis of my sandwich, because sharp cheeses bite you back. I'm not implying that Madison Eagles is a biter, but you're left stinging after a Hellbound or two. A tough competitor deserves a firm crusty bread. Additionally, I'd slowly braise kangaroo meat in coffee to add in with the cheese before grilling. Vegemite is optional, but also quite hacky. I already used up my one Aussie cliche with kangaroo anyway. Plus, Vegemite is gross. GROSS.
2. The Dean Ambrose
Dean Ambrose represents unbridled danger. He lives on the edge. So, in between two slices of sourdough, you stuff in some authentic, Quebecois unpasteurized cheese curds, y'know, the ones that make poutine so damn delicious. It's illegal here in America, you know that, right? It's just cheese, bread, and the butter that it's fried with. Ambrose is the kind of guy who can drive mystique from barebones surroundings. His food is the same way.
3. The UltraMantis Black
Using the finest Vegan bread to house the ingredients, Mantis' signature sandwich combines locally-sourced produced, artisan soy cheese, and EEEEVIL together. The main star in the palette between the buns would be a luxuriously smooth soft soy cheese that gets melty and gooey under heat. Fresh wild ramps (wild onions) sauteed in olive oil, garlic, and hot pepper add bite and crunch. The soy cheese lulls you under Mantis' spell, while the ramps bite you back into a state of shock. To top it off, the sandwich is cursed by a real live evil wizard. AN EEEEEEVIL WIZARD.
4. The Big Van Vader
Wrestlers who step into the ring with Vader feel it more after the match than against most other wrestlers, so his sandwich will have to leave a mark, right? Start out with habanero cheddar for the immediate kick. Like a lumpy fist to the mouth, it will leave a mark. Add in some mortadella, which literally translates to "deli of death," for long term effects. Why? Well, have you ever seen it? It's like bologna with white globs in it. It looks like cheese, but it's literally unrendered pork fat. Finish it off with potato bread because, c'mon now. THAT SHOULD BE LITERAL. So yeah, it's time, it's time, it's VADER SANDWICH TIME.
5. The ACH
The best wrestler in the world combines Texas flair and heat with eastern sensibilities, and so does his sandwich. Smoked gouda on big Texas toast make this a grilled cheese sandwich. To make it even more Texas, we add slow barbecued brisket, the most Lone Star of all cuts of barbecue, with a hoisin-based sauce to represent his Dragonball Z/Asian influences.
6. The Vince McMahon
The world's most expensive blend of brie and bleu cheeses are combined with caviar. Everything is placed between two slices of exquisite saffron brioche and then griddled in a golden pan with butter made from the milk of the endangered Anhui musk deer. Then, it's doused in gasoline and lit on fire because NO ONE'S GONNA SEE THAT COMING, THAT'LL GET A 4.25 QUARTER HOUR YEAH NO LET'S REWRITE THE RECIPE IT'S ALL WRONG.
1. The Madison Eagles
Our first offering comes from the Land Down Under. Australia isn't necessarily a cheese culture (GET IT!), but they have rindless cheddars. I'd take an extra sharp one as the basis of my sandwich, because sharp cheeses bite you back. I'm not implying that Madison Eagles is a biter, but you're left stinging after a Hellbound or two. A tough competitor deserves a firm crusty bread. Additionally, I'd slowly braise kangaroo meat in coffee to add in with the cheese before grilling. Vegemite is optional, but also quite hacky. I already used up my one Aussie cliche with kangaroo anyway. Plus, Vegemite is gross. GROSS.
2. The Dean Ambrose
Dean Ambrose represents unbridled danger. He lives on the edge. So, in between two slices of sourdough, you stuff in some authentic, Quebecois unpasteurized cheese curds, y'know, the ones that make poutine so damn delicious. It's illegal here in America, you know that, right? It's just cheese, bread, and the butter that it's fried with. Ambrose is the kind of guy who can drive mystique from barebones surroundings. His food is the same way.
3. The UltraMantis Black
Using the finest Vegan bread to house the ingredients, Mantis' signature sandwich combines locally-sourced produced, artisan soy cheese, and EEEEVIL together. The main star in the palette between the buns would be a luxuriously smooth soft soy cheese that gets melty and gooey under heat. Fresh wild ramps (wild onions) sauteed in olive oil, garlic, and hot pepper add bite and crunch. The soy cheese lulls you under Mantis' spell, while the ramps bite you back into a state of shock. To top it off, the sandwich is cursed by a real live evil wizard. AN EEEEEEVIL WIZARD.
4. The Big Van Vader
Wrestlers who step into the ring with Vader feel it more after the match than against most other wrestlers, so his sandwich will have to leave a mark, right? Start out with habanero cheddar for the immediate kick. Like a lumpy fist to the mouth, it will leave a mark. Add in some mortadella, which literally translates to "deli of death," for long term effects. Why? Well, have you ever seen it? It's like bologna with white globs in it. It looks like cheese, but it's literally unrendered pork fat. Finish it off with potato bread because, c'mon now. THAT SHOULD BE LITERAL. So yeah, it's time, it's time, it's VADER SANDWICH TIME.
5. The ACH
The best wrestler in the world combines Texas flair and heat with eastern sensibilities, and so does his sandwich. Smoked gouda on big Texas toast make this a grilled cheese sandwich. To make it even more Texas, we add slow barbecued brisket, the most Lone Star of all cuts of barbecue, with a hoisin-based sauce to represent his Dragonball Z/Asian influences.
6. The Vince McMahon
The world's most expensive blend of brie and bleu cheeses are combined with caviar. Everything is placed between two slices of exquisite saffron brioche and then griddled in a golden pan with butter made from the milk of the endangered Anhui musk deer. Then, it's doused in gasoline and lit on fire because NO ONE'S GONNA SEE THAT COMING, THAT'LL GET A 4.25 QUARTER HOUR YEAH NO LET'S REWRITE THE RECIPE IT'S ALL WRONG.