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| Eternal rivals Photo via Riding Space Mountain |
First up, @OkoriWadsworth has two questions. One, what puroresu match do I want to listen to with English commentary?
Perhaps the greatest match in professional wrestling history, of course - Mitsuharu Misawa vs. Toshiaki Kawada on June 3, 1994. I could only get so much out of the match from the action in the ring, and granted, it was a lot. But if I could get an English dub or commentary from two expert commentators with knowledge of the feud and All-Japan Pro Wrestling at the time (read, not Michael Cole and Taz), then I wonder how much more I could get out of that match.
Second, what's my favorite seafood?
Crabmeat is on top, but usually only if it's already shelled and separated. That's probably cheating, right? It's not that I don't like eating crab. I do. But it's a lot of work, and blue crabs especially cut my hands up. So, grading with that context, I think I'm gonna go with sea scallops. They're meaty, slightly sweet, and perfect to eat by themselves or gussied up in dishes of many different forms and techniques.
Scott T. Holland of Irresistible vs. Immovable has two questions as well. First, on a scale of 1 to 10, he wants to know how worried I am that Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena is going to be heavily entwined with promoting Total Divas.
I put it at a low 2, maybe even a 1. I have no doubts that they'll try to tie Total Divas into the match, but I think that there will be an honest build to the match for the most part. My greatest fear though? Bryan wins the WWE Championship, and then he gets immediately cashed in upon by Randy Orton. I feared it before it was floated by the dirt sheet's "sources" and all, because it's totally something WWE has proven it will do to try and pop the next big story. Hello, SummerSlam 2011 ring a bell?
The thing is, there will be positives that come out of it. It'd kick off the long-awaited Orton heel turn, it would give Bryan something constructive to do away from Cena after defeating him, and there'd always be the chance that Bryan would be the first guy to tap Cena since before Kurt Angle turned into a drug-addled mass of steroid muscle and fused vertebrae. But don't you think that should be the moment? Don't you think that Bryan beating the goddamn franchise should be left to marinate for a little while before being jump started into the next story? I get it. You may get it depending on who the "you" is that is reading this. But I'm not sure WWE did it. I mean, remember, they have a track record here too. Christian and Orton, again in 2011, ring any bells?
Second, he claims that McDonalds fries are the best fast food item anyone sells. Since that wasn't a question, I will form it as a question on my own and either back it up or refute it.
It's hard to argue against this, but I can think of at least one holy grail item above of the fries under the Golden Arches. Popeye's red beans and rice are transcendent. They're so good that I could be fooled into thinking that it wasn't from a fast food joint.
I got this question from Jessica Hudnall of Lobster Sting, and I quote: DEAR HOLZERMAN, ACH AND JESSICA [sic] HAVOK WRESTLING IS GOOD BECAUSE WOMENS IS TRASH AND ACH IS TRASH, DO YOU NOT AGREE?
Uh.
Uh.
I can't.
Uh.
Okay.
Answer.
@robot_hammer wants to know why Kassius Ohno is still in developmental and whether it's a function of the main roster being loaded.
There are only so many spots available in the main roster, sure. I think forcing him onto the main roster now might be a mistake because WWE's ability to fill out all their TV time is questionable at the very best. He could be a part of a stable, and that would get him some exposure, but what's better, being a main player at Full Sail, or a background dude on the road? I mean, he's a blue-chipper, to paraphrase Jim Ross.
And it's not like they're calling up schlubs in place of him. Look at the names they've brought up in the last 18 months: Damien Sandow, Antonio Cesaro, The Shield, The Wyatt Family, Fandango, Brad Maddox (and it bears mentioning that Maddox has been almost exclusively a NPC/extra character). WWE has more talent than they can work into their stories right now. Whether it's an embarrassment of riches or an embarrassment that they suck at human resources, I'll leave up to you.
@Jessico09 has set the over/under on Bray Wyatt winning one of the World Championships at 2 years, and wants to know what I'm taking.
I want to say under, I really do, but ask yourself this question; does Bray Wyatt need a belt to rise, or would it weigh him down? Is a Championship essential to his story? His narrative, at least his professed narrative from the start, is not necessarily eating up baubles. He wants the whole world. He wants to break down heroes and expose truths. What does that more, winning a belt or decimating John Cena? Daniel Bryan is a wrestler. His character motivation should certainly be aimed towards gold, trophies, belts, recognition. Wyatt doesn't care for those things. He feeds on fear.
@vajrabhrt asks if I think Daniel Bryan has reached Shawn Michaels-levels of adulation and how long it can be sustainable for.
He's already surpassed it. It could be my skewed perception, but even the people who poo-pooed him for being too small seem to be on his bandwagon. I don't get that same unified front for Michaels even now, and the impression that I get is that he wasn't necessarily universally liked then. But I'm dealing with skewed perceptions. The real answer here is that I really don't know without universal polling.
However, I think it can be sustainable for as long as he remains at the top but not too near the top in WWE. Anyone can be turned on, but if there's the perception that he's not being pushed as hard as he could be, he'll keep both the recognition of his awesome physical talents and the identity as an oppressed cult hero. It worked for Chris Jericho all those years in WWE even if he was exactly where he wanted to be.
Two from @bdbdbdbd. First, who is the baddest mofo low down around this town?
SHO' NUFF
Second, who on the WWE roster has it in them to transition into a manager?
It's gotta be someone who can talk, isn't afraid to bump, and is able to shift the attention away from him/herself and do enough to get his/her charge over. Looking at the roster right now? Vince McMahon is actually a keen choice. You could argue that he was less an evil boss in his Mr. McMahon salad days and more a manager. Obviously, he got more over than nearly everyone in his Corporation, but then again, did anyone other than The Rock or Triple H need to get over huge? Sometimes, you have flunkies. Bobby Heenan had as many Iron Mike Sharpes and Akeems as he did Andres the Giant and Rick Rudes.
Other than McMahon, Jericho could manage if he were to come back but not want to wrestle. Although really, why would anyone want him not to wrestle unless he didn't want to do it himself? To be honest, Brad Maddox could manage too if he could show that he could focus on someone other than himself. Regal's another guy who should be on WWE TV as often as possible, and right now, that calling could be as a manager or second.
Noted journalist Ken Borsuk asks whether strapping Chris Sabin is a "hot shot" move designed to get attention on TNA.
I haven't seen the match, but from what I've heard, it was not only an attempt to hot shot the belt, but it was a piss-poor one. An instant-classic type match where Sabin gets to show off his strongest talents, his innovative offense mixed with using his size disadvantage for peril spots, would have been the correct way. Again, I didn't see it, but apparently, he got two moves in and won with a foreign object, over the heel? Yeah guys, way to reinforce the idea that the X-Division is fucking inferior in every way.
@chudleycannons asks if there's any news coming out of San Diego ComicCon that I'm particularly looking forward to.
The only Game of Thrones news that would be remotely interesting would be casting news, and I don't think they're announcing new actors at the event. The Legend of Korraseason 2 trailer dropped already. Is there really any interesting news coming out about the Avengers family of movies on the Marvel front? My finger's not on the pulse of ComicCon this year.
Now, if I'm talking about my own interests? If, say, HBO or more accurately, a premium cable network that wanted its own GoT-like series to compete with HBO wanted to announce they were going to bring The Legend of Zelda to short-season televised life, I'd be all over that like Adam Sandler on an awful script.
@LPishko wants to know which four wrestlers I'd go on a road trip with.
Rachel Summerlyn is a no-brainer, because she is by far the coolest wrestler I've ever interacted with on Twitter. Plus, she seems to know all the places to eat and have fun. Second would be Kevin Steen, because he's a zoo enthusiast, and I think I'd dig going to all the zoos I could go to. Plus, he's a righteous funny guy. Third would be Tim Donst because, well, reasons. Finally, I'd invite Kellie Skater, just in case we need some muscle if we all got into trouble. Because remember, she's got muscles so big that it makes the Incredible Hulk green with envy.
@dajerseyboy ponders whether there's any more talent worth poaching in the indies who can come right into WWE.
There's always more talent who could come in and compete right away. It's not like they will. Other than Bryan Danielson, who elected to go to FCW if the rumor is true, WWE doesn't just shunt anyone from indies right to the roster, which is a shame. If Chris Hero, Claudio Castagnoli, Sami Callihan, Jon Moxley, El Generico, and Sara del Rey couldn't debut right away, then what makes anyone think the other wrestlers could?
That being said, there are more than a few guys that I think could debut right away if signed today. Jessicka Havok, Rachel Summerlyn, ACH, Uhaa Nation, Athena, Rich Swann, Chuck Taylor, Kevin Steen, Akira Tozawa, Drew Gulak, Saraya Knight, the Briscoes, Mark Angelosetti, Tim Donst, Madison Eagles, and Jon Davis, just to name a few, could get right into a WWE ring and have the crowd eating out of their hands in my opinion. Of course, my opinion has been known to be biased or skewed, but at the same time, all those names should tell you that there's plenty of talent left to sign, and as long as kids continue to enroll in wrestling schools, there always will be.
Staff member Bill Dempsey asks what the odds are that at least one Wyatt Family member will be dancing with Tons of Funk in a year's time.
I get the feeling Tons of Funk may not be around in its current form in a year's time. But there's always the threat of some dancing act that may or may not be at least vaguely racist around. That being said, I hope not, because the Wyatt Family feels to me to have staying power. But now I will stay up at night worrying this will happen. Thanks!
Dave McKinney of South Atlanta Wrestling wants me to fantasy book Mark Henry vs. Vader, prime vs. prime.
I'm assuming this means character prime and not physical prime. If it's the latter, Vader wins handily because Henry's character was still gestating at his physical peak. Character peak? Well, that's tougher. See, Vader is the archetypical modern hoss, but Henry is also a hybrid modern/throwback hoss. Vader worked Japan and was on top of WCW when it was at its critical peak. You could argue Henry's competition level was tougher. It's hard. But I'm a product of my time and my biases, and as much as I appreciate what Vader did for me, the hoss aficionado, I gotta go with Henry here.
Rich Thomas of the International Object Podcast asks whom I think will win the 2014 Money in the Bank briefcases, and how long it will take for this year's winners to cash in.
Picking Money in the Bank briefcase winners a year in advance is problematic because the WWE scene is so volatile. Last year, I would have said the briefcase winners would have been Cody Rhodes and Antonio Cesaro. I was almost right on Rhodes, but he and Cesaro were in the same match that saw Damien Sandow win.
With that being said, here are my totally unscientific, stab-in-the-dark picks for Money in the Bank 2014. The Red Briefcase now seems to be the domain of "All-Stars," so given that, I'm picking CM Punk to win. I don't know what the future holds for the WWE Championship in the coming year, but with Punk tied up with Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman, it's hard for me to see him back in the title picture until then. As for the Blue Briefcase, this will be a total stab in the dark, but give me Seth Rollins.
As for how long the current holders - Randy Orton and Damien Sandow - will hold their briefcases, I think that there's a precedent we should look at. Ever since they introduced the concept of separate briefcases for separate titles at the same event, there has been one holder who cashes in sooner, and one that cashes in later. In 2010, Kane cashed in the same night while The Miz waited until after Survivor Series. In 2011, Alberto del Rio cashed in at SummerSlam, while Daniel Bryan did at TLC. In 2012, John Cena scheduled his cash in for a week after he won it, while Dolph Ziggler took his sweet time, holding off his cash in for the amount of time it takes for a baby to go from conception to birth.
So, who's holding onto it forever, and who's got the itchy trigger finger? Above, I noted my fear that Orton will ruin Daniel Bryan's moment at SummerSlam with a cash-in. I'm sticking with my neurotic nightmares here. Orton's not gonna have his briefcase for that long. Sandow may not have his briefcase for that long either, since I can see him wagering it and losing it at SummerSlam to Cody Rhodes. But regardless of whether he keeps the case or loses it, it befits a refined, intelligent superstar to pick his moment after lulling whoever holds the Big Gold Belt into a false sense of security.
Finally, @Parlett316 is getting married today (hooray!), and he's asking whether he'll have to job for the rest of his life and what he can and can't no-sell.
First off, congratulations, brother! Second, don't believe popular media. The man isn't always wrong, the woman isn't always right. Every case is different. The key is listening to your mate, having understanding, learning to compromise on the right stuff, and having the patience to get through tough times where a compromise doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Marriage isn't a singles wrestling match. It's a tag team. You gotta know when to ignore the ref's five count, when to make the hot tag, when to pull the other team's apron-stationed partner off the aforementioned apron, and when to do double team moves.
But have a great time today! You aren't going to be able to eat much, so get your nourishment through liquid means, if you know what I mean.