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| What can he ruin next? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
1. Pro Wrestling Guerrilla Battle of Los Angeles (Yearly)
Why should Triple H confine his coolness to one promotion? He needs to be the coolest across the wrestling multiverse! August is not just for hornin' in on indie darlings already on the roster. Imagine this - Kevin Steen has just won Battle of Los Angeles, but BOOM, Motörhead hits at the American Legion, and Triple H comes out in his jean vest and Latin-inscribed t-shirt and long jeans! Kevin Steen is powerless in fear and takes three Pedigrees before Super Dragon comes out and abdicates the entire promotion to Triple H. World Champion Billy Gunn! The Outsiders as Tag Champions! Can't you feel your blood boiling already?
2. Star Wars: Episode VII (Summer of 2015)
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the Emperor, recast as Lemmy Kilmister, has been resurrected. It's up to Luke, Leia, and Han to get back together to try and stop him. However, a new Sith apprentice is here, Darth Game, who eschews the light saber for the sledgehammer. After destroying the Jedi order once and for all, he and Lemmy use HEAVY METAL and jean vests to institute a new badass order of Sithdom across the galaxy. Also, he bangs all the chicks, including Padme Amidala, who is somehow magically alive and played by Natalie Portman with CGI implants.
3. Wimbledon (Yearly)
The tournament concept is thrown out COMPLETELY in favor of a six-on-one tennis match of doom. Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer, Andy Murray, Rafael Nadal, Pete Sampras, and Andre Agassi vs. Triple H. In his jean vest, cut-off jorts, and wrestling boots, Triple H valiantly defeats the grass-court hydra and then throws out the results of the women's tournament to award that title to Stephanie McMahon. After the match, Djokovic looks to get his heat back by smacking Trips with the Championship plate, but Hunter's sixth sense allows him to turn around, kick Djokovic in the gut, and Pedigree him on the plate. England abdicates to Trips, who names Lemmy the new prime minister.
4. The Avengers 2 (Summer of 2015)
The Age of Ultron is here, or is it? After Ultron mercilessly kills each of the Avengers, hope looks lost until Triple H shows up with his trusty sledgehammer and jean vest. After a hard-fought battle where Triple H kicks out of several deathblows, he bashes Ultron's head with the hammer and Pedigrees him through to the center of the Earth. He then tosses Ultron's corpse into space, which knocks Thanos into the Sun, taking Batista with him to get his heat back from WrestleMania 21. Afterwards, Trips makes out with Black Widow and She-Hulk at the same time.
5. Lollapalooza (Yearly)
The entire bill is cancelled except for Motörhead. On the surface, it sounds cool until you realize that now, Lemmy and Co. don't have enough songs in the catalog to fill the ENTIRE slate they now have to fill. Trips saves the day, however, busting out a twelve hour guitar solo in his jean vest that leaves the crowd ON ITS FUCKING FEET, even the girly men who were there to see whatever lame indie pop bands they originally came to see.
6. Samuel Adams Summer Ale (Yearly)
Summer Ale is my favorite of the Sam Seasonals, but it doesn't have the bold flavors required for Triple H's consumption. First, he throws out all those grains of paradise and lemon peel shit, replacing it with whiskey, sausage, and real jean vest fragments. And that colonial dude on the cover? Lame. Gotta replace it with Ric Flair dressed up like King Arthur sitting on a throne of bones saying some shit in Latin. Oh, and the bottle plays "The Game" when you open it.