The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Episode 4 (POWA RANKINGS)

Nattie is having problems at home, and Nikki Bella helps through therapeutic shopping Photo Credit: WWE.com

As I stated last week, I think I'm starting to genuinely get into this program, and am naturally worried about my downslide into being invested in E!'s other non-Soup programming. Damn wrestling reality programs. Anyways, this week was a perfect hangover cure after Summerslam: Hell No, I Ain't Happy Edition. But I'll let the big boss man TH handle them thoughts. I'm here to make an arbitrary list of things about this show instead!

1. Nikki Bella

Oh god, I didn't think this would ever happen, but Nikki was honestly awesome this week. From the immediate moments where she went lingerie shopping with Natalya to her being the best drunk (including a Lindsay Funke-like "wine has anti-oxidants, so is it really alcohol?" speech) to doing a rib like Owen Ha--

@ACrimsonMask Hah. I believe it. Same reason I don't read Twitter while Total Divas sis on. Also- I 100% own Owen Hart Total Divas refs.
— Kayfabe Comedy (@KayfabeComedy) August 19, 2013

Shit, BLOG WAR 13 with Kayfabe Comedy strikes again. Anyways, Nikki was damn awesome this week. Hope she repeats this.

2. Trinity

As excited as I was for Daniel Bryan's "You are a grown ass woman" line and subsequent GIF, my excitement was also at a fever pitch for Trinity's bemusement that breast implants float. It was as great as imagined, and nice to see her and Jon Uso take their place as the goofy couple that reacts to things. I don't need to see Naomi cry while sweeping up glass ever again if I want to keep my sanity/emotional balance.

3. Natalya

The ultimate woobie strikes again. Nattie Neidhart and her curvy frame just CAN'T GET LAID, you guys! The culprit is that Tyson Kidd got lazy after his knee injury of doom, and now nothing's going on. Always kind of an amusing sight when someone says, "I guess I need to dress up like Daniel Bryan for him to even give me attention."

4. Ariane

I waver on Ariane as a character on a TV show, but hell with it. This week was all glorious Ariane things. I need a GIF maker very badly, though. She had breast implants. Well, specifically a breast implant trial run, which means she simply inserted the silicone thingy (disc? ball? term male feminist from Alabama doesn't know?) into everything she wore, and then was surprised when they kept falling out. Then in a true sign of being forever alone, when she found out one of her implants went missing, she turned into this:


5. Jon Uso

There has never been a panic in a person's face like when Jon Uso was allowed to feel the fake breasts of a woman that isn't his fiancee, while said fiancee watches. He won't be this panicked when he's told that he has to take a Stink Face from dear ole' dad.

6. John Cena

"What you guys doing? Watching wrestling?" -- John Cena.

7. Brie Bella

I still like Brie, but fat-shaming her sister for not juicing correctly is not a good look. I hope this is merely a week where looking out for her sister goes just a bit too far, and not her actual characterization. I trust Daniel Bryan's judgment more than I trust my own, however.

8. TJ Wilson

In the ultimate culture war, TJ Wilson/Tyson Kidd represents the men who are pretty addicted to wrestling to the point of it potentially destroying their sex life/relationships. TJ's blank stare as he watches a Daniel Bryan match (all while his future wife walks in to the scene wearing lingerie) seems to represent what we all have to face if we're fortunate enough to have an outside life away from watching pro wrestling. Shit's tough.*

 * "Shit's tough" is pretty much the moral of Total Divas.

9. Jojo

After a week where we at least saw the meatheads she was dating prior to being snatched up, Jojo did less than nothing. She was in the locker room and I think ate with the Bellas at one point.

10. Eva Marie

Eva Marie also did less than nothing. By the way, this was the best Total Divas episode yet.