The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Episode 5

Like Nikki Bella, Trey has an absentee father in his life Photo Credit: WWE.com

In Total Divas land, there is a basis of what an episode will be about from the onset. Lately, they've been way deeper than I'd expect. I don't want to belabor the "this show is better than I expected" point, because I obviously wouldn't watch it for the site if I didn't get some enjoyment out of the show. But yeah, this week being about rifts actually worked for me, a little less than past weeks, but more than enough for what is being attempted. Anyways, power rankings.

1. Trinity

She barely takes this spot if only because of her requisite likability. I don't know if I really was on her side during the show-long arguments with Ariane, but I don't think that really matters. It is interesting that they show Naomi blatantly screw up in her match with Alicia Fox. This kind of gets at the "is this really happening/did Naomi purposefully make a mistake" duality that is present with this show. There are no jokes here.

2. Natalya

Fuckin' in-laws, man. Also, interesting that Natalya is kind of playing the fanservice role with two straight eps involving her in bikini/lingerie attire. I mean, I guess I approve?

3. Nikki Bella

Full disclosure (serious time), like Nikki Bella, I've also had an absent father. So has a lot of people. It's not really amazingly rough territory, but Nikki also didn't overly sound whiny about the experience. She had the more rational "look, if this person has disappointed me so many times, why would I drain myself by dealing with that person" stance. We also saw what I assume is the actual grave of the Bellas' grandfather, which is some rough and deep shit for a show that has a lady say "Gurl bye" every week.

4. Ariane

I really haven't been huge on Ariane in recent weeks. As hilarious as her antics have been, they only serve to make us like the others way more. She did give a preview of the glorious "Boy bye" catchphrase. She also used her hand symbol. She did not use "the bomb dot com." presumably for consideration of Brandon Stroud's more respectable "thebomb.edu." Also, she had a bad match. So what's new?

5. Brie Bella

No Daniel Bryan. Not enough Brie Bella.

6. Roman Reigns

Eva Marie felt her use of bronzer was there to attract guys at the gym. Like "the one who isn't the ex-indy darling" in The Shield. I mean, I guess people find him arousing. Believe.

7. TJ Wilson

He's been kind of a shithead, right? I mean, am I crazy about that?

8. That guy who liked Nattie

Oh dude. Just, oh dude. You can't spring up the "I've been in love with you since you've been gone" point now. This lower spot isn't to diss you, it's to hope you learn a lesson. Boy, bye.

9. Jojo

NOTHING HAPPENED. And that's probably for the best. They tagged along with the Funkadactyls for go-kart racing. And that's it.

10. Eva Marie

Such a relief that like Jojo, Eva Marie's relegated to "here is a kind of dumb lesson I have hey look Roman Reigns now that's why you use bronzer ok see you guys next week" duty.