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| Imagine Punk doing this |
First up, @NielJacoby asks what the best dumb pun "create-a-wrestler" for a WWE video game would be.
I love punny names. I experimented with them for my Twitter "name" for awhile, but where wrestling games excel over Twitter is you can actually create images and personae to go with the names. Plenty of great pun names exist. Vote for Pedro Morales. Ravishing Rick Moranis. Paul Hey Steve.
But my pick? CM Chunk. Imagine the tattoos and the sour attitude and the beard and the baggy eyes with a beer gut doing the Truffle Shuffle. I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND.
Our friends over at WrestleChat want to know what my 100,000th tweet might end up being about.
Depending on my tweet-rate this weekend, I assume tweet 100K will come sometime Monday. Monday, of course, I'll be watching RAW, but I'll also have some attention to ESPN because the Eagles' season kicks off five minutes before 7 PM. So, here are some candidates for that monumental tweet, because I sure as fuck won't be keeping track to make it some bullshit commemorative, self-congratulatory tweet.
- FULL ZIGGLER
- WWE. Then. Now. SOON.
- BEST FOR BUSINESS BEST FOR BUSINESS BEST FOR BUSINESS BEST FOR BUSINESS BEST FOR BUSINESS BEST FOR BUSINESS BEST FOR BUSINESS BEST FOR BUSIN
- I LOVE YOU CHIP KELLY
- FUCK OFF CHIP KELLY GO BACK TO OREGON
- RTing any number of Philly-centric accounts re: the Eagles game.
- Corgi pics
- Food pics
- Instagram of my kid
- Instagram of me self-flagellating because Triple H did something stupid/Robert Griffin III did something AMAZING
@IndyPowerRankin asks if I ever attended any of the Bryan Danielson/Tyler Black matches in Ring of Honor.
I actually was there for at least two Black/Nigel McGuinness matches at the Arena during HDNet tapings, but never for any against Danielson, which is a shame given AmDrag was the other opponent Black was great against back in the day. Any other opponent, even Austin Aries, and the match just fell so flat. Black was one of the biggest beneficiaries of going from the indies to WWE, because he felt like a dude who needed to be reined in. Okay, that statement sounded arrogant, but instead of just having great matches against two opponents, the rechristened Seth Rollins was having decent to great matches against EVERYONE.
But he's still having phenomenal bouts with Daniel Bryan. They've had three matches so far this year that I recall (maybe even more), and each time, they have instant classics. Chemistry carries over.
@chudleycannons has two questions. First, there are plenty of wrestlers from the past, but how many are time-travelers from the future?
Oh, I certainly think John Titor didn't come back alone. People go back and forth in time easily within the Chikara ethos. For example, the Colony: X-Treme Force? They're totally from the future. I don't necessarily think that Eddie Kingston or Icarus are from the future, but they may have been to the future. What else could caused their seeming trade-off of personalities and dispositions? Are the Baltic Siege and the Polar Baron's Union from this time? And Archibald Peck, how do we know that he was born in this era and traveled back and forth in time and wasn't born in a different era and traveled back to compete?
In fact, re: Peck, I feel like there are clues to his true identity embedded in a video:
Yes, he gave a concrete date of birth, but he also claims that he was only 11 and a half years old back in 2011, due to the United States not using the metric system. If the show LOST is to be believed (and since I fucking loved that show, I BELIEVE IT), then rapid movement through time can cause mental stress and exhaustion. Does he have his facts mixed up? Is he telling the truth at all? Is it subterfuge? Could he be 13.5 years old, really being born in 2000, but traveled back and forth in time so much that he's in his adult body in 2013? The answer is that I don't know, and I fear I've only confused the issue.
Second, how would one refer to a 16 "man" tournament that includes women, ants, and goblins?
A 16-wrestler tournament! Boom, bang, no gender, no problem.
@detectorsarcasm wants to know what teams I would stock in a huge tag team tournament for number one contendership to the Tag Team Championships.
I'm gonna go with sixteen teams because I love tournaments, especially gigantic ones. Plus, with the combined WWE and NXT rosters plus available legends. So, your sixteen teams, assuming Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins are still your Tag Team Champions:
Jimmy and Jey Uso
Antonio Cesaro and Jack Swagger
Titus O'Neil and Darren Young
Los Matadores (sigh)
Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd
Erick Rowan and Luke Harper
Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre, and Jinder Mahal (Freebird Rules)
Brodus Clay and Sweet T
Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara
Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston
Ten teams in, now let's delve into NXT...
Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady
Corey Graves and Adrian Neville
Conor O'Brian and Rick Victor
Alexander Rusev and Scott Dawson
And legends...
Road Dogg and Billy Gunn
...and the coup de grace...
Hey, they looked decent at the King of Trios tag gauntlet last year, right?
@Slap_Bet asks what is wrestling, if it's real, whether I've touched a boob, and whether it was cool.
Wrestling is pretend fighting to entertain mooks like me, and it's totally real to me and to this guy. I have touched a boob, and it was hella cool. H*ck yeah.
Marc Normandin of SB Nation's Boston Red Sox site Over the Monster misses Cody Rhodes, and realizes that wasn't a question.
He has only been gone for less than a week. SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN. And snap into a Slim Jim, oooh yeah.
@Tvs_Tim_Biewald asks if I were to "book" the NFL season, how would I do it, through the playoffs.
Full disclosure, I would sell my own wife out for an Eagles Super Bowl, and I would sell my son out for the Dallas Cowboys to finish 0-16 for every year I'm still alive, which would be until 2029 when a combination of a myocardial infarction and asphyxiation from autoerotic means does me in. But personal booking would be boring. So I will not book the Eagles to win the Super Bowl this year. However, I will book the Cowboys to go 0-16 because lol, Cowboys.
Anyway, I would book the Eagles, Redskins, Packers, Lions, Saints, and Rams for the playoffs in the NFC. The Niners are on their way to winning the NFC West, but the Seahawks do a run in to try and get a leg up and injure San Francisco, yes, all of them. Commissioner Goodell suspends the Seahawks. In the AFC, the Browns finish the season undefeated, while the other playoff teams are the Patriots, Bengals, Jaguars, Chargers, and Broncos. The Browns and the Packers end up in the Super Bowl, and much to the delight of Clevelanders everywhere, they hold a 27-23 lead in the fourth quarter. Joe Haden picks off Aaron Rodgers just south of the two minute warning. The Browns are going to win, they're going to win!
But then the lights go out, and when they come back on, all the refs are knocked out. Out of the tunnel comes Mercury Morris, followed by the rest of the living members of the '72 Dolphins! They gang tackle Haden, rip the ball out of his hand and give it right to Randall Cobb. The refs wake up, causing the Dolphins to scatter while Cobb runs to the end zone just as time expires to give the Packers the last minute victory.
This development would set up a game down the road between the Browns and the '72 Dolphins for their Lombardi Trophy, and now I realize I watch too much wrestling. Nah, just kidding, no such thing exists as watching too much wrestling.
Freelance journalist Mike Lortz asks why no other wrestler has made the crossover leap like The Rock, and whether a woman might be the next logical candidate.
The requirement level for acting ability and charisma is way lower for wrestling than it is for acting. Dwayne Johnson has acting chops. John Cena? Well, have you seen The Marine? Neither have I, but I heard it was wretched. Anyway, I don't think women in WWE would have an easier go in Hollywood either, because again, no matter how much worse actresses have it in movies and movie media than actors do, they still value acting talent.
That all being said, AJ Lee could definitely make the transition if she so wanted to. That woman has the ability to win an Oscar. Maybe I'm overrating her, sure, because she's definitely in the process of leaving an entire roster in the dust when it comes to emoting and characterizing.
@sallen_87 asks me to describe my ideal birthday itinerary.
I sleep in to about 9 AM, because on work days I get up at 6 AM, and I also enjoy the morning. After playing with my son for a bit, I shuffle into the dining room where my wife has prepared me cream chipped beef over homemade biscuits with a side of bacon, hash browns, more bacon, and a gallon jug of coffee. After a post breakfast sojourn to my Feedly page, I settle down to watch an indie wrestling show until lunch shows up.
My midday meal consists of a cheesesteak from John's Roast Pork, delivered to me by selected members of the Chikara roster riding a sled pulled by 24 corgis. After playing with the corgis (with my dog blindfolded, don't want him getting jealous) and eating the cheesesteak, I take a well-deserved nap before getting up around 5 PM to go out to dinner at Chima.
I get to the Brazilian steakhouse to find my wife has gotten our own room with our own personal mariachi band that plays songs of my selection, like Alberto del Rio's theme song and the theme from Gerudo Valley in Ocarina of Time. After dinner, all my friends from around the world are waiting for me at Quotations bar, where we all drink our faces off on awesome craft and imported beer. Finally, I end up at home and no, I will not be telling you how the night ends.
@OkoriWadsworth asks which match that gets recommended to me all the time I think doesn't deserve the hype.
People don't really recommend matches to me, so I'll answer this as "what match do I feel is most overrated." To me, I was utterly bored out of my mind watching Steve Austin vs. Triple H, Three Stages of Hell, from No Way Out 2001. I usually love Steve Austin broadways too, but that match was the height of pre-quad injury Triple H excess. Best wrestler in the world? How about the proto-Davey Richards.
His second question, what country would I most like to vacation at?
Italy would be in the slight lead over a handful of other nations. Great food, Mediterranean beaches, history, culture, nothing there not to like. I would also dig vacationing in Germany, England, Spain, Australia, France, Fiji, the Netherlands, and Ireland, but Italy's first on the list.
Eamon Paton of the Wrestling Mayhem Show and the Inspire Pro Wrestling broadcast booth asks if the Wyatts, whose stated purpose is to bring down the machine, will get involved in the current main event storyline.
I've heard a lot of rumors that folks in the front office love the idea of the Wyatts and Shield feuding, but I don't know of those are unfounded or not. WWE would have to dive head first into the murky gray for that to work, since rooting for backwater cultists would be a stretch, even for post-Attitude rooting interest anarchy. Of course, they're tied up with Kane right now, right? Well, if they absorb Kane as a member, he could convince them to help out his former friend Daniel Bryan against the other megalithic entity continually pounding him down. Maybe you're onto something here.
@PatrickEhland is stuck with his in-laws for three weeks and needs URGENT HELP.
Thankfully, I get along with my in-laws so I can't empathize. However, I'm not sure I want to live with them for three weeks. First, you need enough beer to get you through the rest of the month. Head down I-95 south into Delaware (first exit across the border, Naaman's Road) and hit up Total Wine for a combination of selection and price. Get enough for your in-laws too, because hey, you might as well be nice to them to ease the tension. Second, WRESTLING! If you're into wrestling, then you're gonna need more in your life. If not, then now's as good a time as any to get into it or get back into it. I suggest DVRing everything WWE has to offer, scouring YouTube for classic and indie stuff, and even buying a couple of VODs from Smart Mark Video, preferably to watch in a room where you can get away from your in-laws if they annoy you too much.
@mikepankowski asks which wrestler from either the Baltic Siege or the Polar Baron's Union would help their respective country win in FIFA football.
The Estonian Thunder Frog would be the easiest choice until you remember that he'd get red carded for bringing his hammer out onto the pitch. The Latvian Proud Oak, while still mobile, is still a tree. The Lithuanian Snow Troll would be accused of diving when he did his crazy dance, because I'm not sure how the refs would take it. I have no fargling idea what a Brown Morning is, and Mr. Azerbaijan would be taken out of the game the first time someone stepped on his bare foot with their cleats. That leaves the Proletarian Boar of Moldova, who would be useful digging up divots in the field with his snout and his boar intensity.
@JohnJohnPhenom asks in honor of the Guinness-braised oxtail he just made, what my favorite beer/liquor-cooked dish ever is.
I actually made a beer-cheese chowder in my younger days that I enjoyed quite much. Still though, nothing touches a beer battered onion ring. The fat kid in me is talking here, but fried foods beat all, man. NOW I WANT ONION RINGS, THANKS JOHN.
Scott T. Holland of Irresistible vs. Immovable asks what WWE's best fake-sports contrivances are.
Championship belts. Wrestling can exist without the trappings the Championship MacGuffin, but those belts make storytelling so much easier. Of course, WWE has done a poor job protecting those storyline props since Vince Russo decided they were no more valuable than the turnbuckle padding, but that fact doesn't mean those belts can't be rehabbed. The first step? NOT HAVING CHAMPIONS LOSE EVERY FUCKING NON-TITLE MATCH THEY GET INTO. Oh, sorry, I had caps lock on again, didn't I?
Finally, Rich Thomas of the International Object Podcast wants to know which gimmick from the '80s I'd like to see WWE pay homage to now.
I would love a retelling of the Bolsheviks, only instead of Russians, let it be American communists. Have them come out quoting Karl Marx, trying to take over the merch stands, freeing managers. Obviously, WWE wouldn't be trusted to let them run as babyfaces, so let them be hypocrites and abuse their power like what happened in Soviet Russia, but I think that kind of gimmick might have some legs.