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| Before she was saucy in LayCool, she was the earnest Diva Search contestant Photo Credit: WWE.com |
@ACrimsonMask Diva Search.That's all that needed to be said for me to watch all of the segments of the 2004 Diva Search. And to be fair, I wanted something that would make me laugh while repulsing me, which pretty much means I'm giving you the trigger warning for white knighting comments in the comments section for the contest that had a woman called a "cum-guzzling gutter slut." Because let's get the obvious thoughts out of the way: these segments were not very good television and played on the lowest common denominator assumption that women with a mild amount of personality and a major amount of being put in male gazey situation would equal popularity or at least ratings.
— Danielle Matheson (@prograpslady) September 22, 2013
With that out of the way, it is still worth examining just where exactly these segments went wrong and the actual gems found throughout. I mean, these segments did make me laugh with hindsight, especially when future solid heel manager Maria Kanellis has to bumble through a "Hey, guys, vote for me" challenge. Also that Christy Hemme has always had the type of personality that shouldn't stereotype her as "ass in the pie" girl or "weird pan up camera" ring announcer.
Let's do this in list form, though, because I guess I'm going to take that idea from the internets especially when I talk about nine-year-old pro wrestling contests.
-- Wikipedia is baffled by the contest's fall into cheesecake:
They began airing the weekly Diva Search segments on July 19.[5][8] Despite reported claims by the company that the contest would be handled in a classy manner, the contest involved prospective divas performing suggestive acts on live television, such as "seducing" a male wrestler. Fans were allowed to vote for the winners,[5] but the outcome of the voting process was questioned by media outlets.This seems especially important as this is the closest thing to a source about the atmosphere before this whole rigmarole began. By the way, the "seduced male wrestler" was Kamala, yelping as women were being told to flirt with him. This, umm, sounds grosser than I remember suddenly.
-- The Rock's entire schtick is, umm, also gross with modern eyes.
I don't want to beat a dead drum, but here's an interesting corollary as to why we can target The Rock for being an ass. At one point during the contest, Randy Orton interrupts the announcement of who is voted off. Orton, being in full dick heel mode, reads out the loser and then tells her to start walking. It's a dick move that he's a douche, but he's also not belittling her for her gender. He's belittling her for taking his spotlight time that he would spent ranting about his opponent. And it's still a dick move, still worthy of booing anybody.
So if a douchebag heel can be a dick without being a heinous piece of shit, then the Robin Thicke-esque Rock can avoid telling Lillian Garcia that she worked at the sperm bank but got fired for drinking on the job. (Then again, the very contestants of this contest are more than willing to take this up as insult fodder for each other, as the contest goes on.) Look, I liked the WrestleMania 17 match, too. I liked that time Mick Foley showed Rock people from his past. I liked Rock/Hogan. I might even be okay with a few of the current era promos. But this is still some reprehensible shit complete with the whole "Shut up and look at the Rock" stance. And he's always been like that. He'll always be like that.
-- Where is Tracie Wright?
She finished sixth, but man, she was pretty awesome, actually. She said with no irony in a segment, "Hi, my name is Tracie Wright. I represent the average single independent woman of America. And half naked, if I may say." That's way more than segments where women like Joy Giovanni were like "uhh I'll just throw ice cream on myself." Even Christy Hemme, who has risen to being a solid ring announcer on Impact, was more like "merh just put food on my butt lol." And I'm sorry, but that one comment alone, as goofy as it is to view yourself as an independent woman in the damn Diva Search, should've guaranteed her seven years in WWE. She couldn't have been worse than Kristal Marshall.
-- Christy, I love ya, but no.
Christy Hemme was damn fun. Then she said "cum guzzling gutter slut" in reference to Carmella because lol she's in Playboy. Hope you forgave that girl or as Rick Ross would say, God forgives, I don't.
-- Maria, I like you as Mike Bennett's valet, but no.
I mean, I guess I get why Maria became a thing. The semi-awkward semi-ditz attractive lady thing was rather new at the time. We didn't get the awesomeness of AJ just spitting hot fire (more than the redhead spitfire Christy) at folks on a weekly basis. So when a girl is sort of charming, but doesn't quite know how to unleash it yet, it is adorable. But god, she really wasn't very good for a long time. I guess you can count having to seduce an African stereotype as a close substitute for wrestling school, though.
-- Young Michelle McCool is fucking hilarious.
The first words from the future Cool of LayCool in a WWE ring were "HEY DC, AHM A SMALL TOWN GIRL NAMED MUCHELLE FROM PALATKA, FLORIDA." Michelle McCool was the best sort of poorly acted variant of Applejack that WWE had for the years before she learned how to be a great heel. Shit, I mean, my other alternative to this was to re-watch all of the Michelle McCool Lovin' Life segments or the non-domestic violence-y segments in the Michelle McCool/Chuck Palumbo/Jamie Noble triangle. Or her managing the future Damien Sandow as the team of the Teacher's Pets.
There is also a segment where they have to pitch ice cream to people. While the other girls use this as a "see, look, I'm licking things" cheesecake excuse, Michelle legitimately tries to make a good ice cream cone, even with a "whoops" when she spills some cherries as she computes in her mind that she still should look happy. It's like Michelle McCool was measuring the profit lost by spilling those damn cherries from that counter. No wonder noted businessman T. Undertaker took a shine to her.
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So after all of these lessons, I don't feel any better or worse for wear for gross contests. Next week, we move on to 2005. By the way, holy shit do I appreciate Total Divas so much more after this. At least the people I like don't turn into colossal dickwipes by the end.