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| Savior of Wrestling Is? Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, especially around Friday night after Smackdown, and wait for the call. Or don't wait for it actually. I'll try to get everything for this feature no matter when in the week you shoot me the Tweet. Anyway, here we go.
@JohnJohnPhenom kicks the TweetBag off with asking my thoughts about the idea of Colt Cabana leading the charge against the rogue forces besieging the Wrestling Is... promotions.
If I wasn't so convinced that Cabana is at least close to signing with WWE, I might buy into the above theory a bit more. He dropped the hint that he's been in off-and-on contact with WWE on the Steve Austin Show. Then again, I don't have anything else but that show and a few hints he seems to be dropping sparsely in his own podcasts. Maybe I'm thinking wishfully.
But let's go with Occam's Razor and assume Cabana will be sticking around the indies for the foreseeable future. His opposition would start later today at what Sinn Bodhi is cryptically hinting at as the last in Wrestling Is Art's history, since that company is his de facto home base at this point. Very few wrestlers from the outside are as closely aligned with Mike Quackenbush in a kayfabe sense than Cabana. I think the theory passes muster, but if nothing happens later today other than Bodhi shutting the promotion down, then the eyes will have to gaze towards FDR Park on November 30, won't they?
@ray_fuck asks if I think my Wu-Tang sword can defeat him.
You of all people should know Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthin' to fuck wit'.
@robot_hammer wonders if any wrestler can match or exceed Andre the Giant's performance in The Princess Bride.
Obviously, Andre set an extremely high bar with his performance as Fezzik in the iconic cult fantasy comedy flick. I loved his turn, and he had the perfect, statuesque presence alongside the steely cool of Cary Elwes' Westley and the revenge-fueled flair of Mandy Patinkin's Inigo Montoya. However, the crop of wrestlers who have acting chops grows by the minute. His turn in Knucklehead aside, if Big Show got a better script to work with, he might be able to top his kayfabe father. AJ Lee would definitely work in several different film roles as well.
However, my personal pick would be Big E Langston in a weird, modern comedy. I think he would surpass Kareem Abdul-Jabbar if they decided to remake Airplane!, or perhaps he could steal scene after scene as a sassy bodyguard type in an action comedy. Langston just exudes so much understated character that I don't think the wrestling ring is the only place for him to unleash his ham.
@PatrickEhland asks which theme song I prefer, "Real American" or "Rockhouse?" (the nWo theme)
Oooh, this choice is a tough one. On one hand, "Real American" packs in all the nostalgia of my formative days as a wrestling fan. It has big, beefy riffs, cheesy patriotic lyrics, and inspirational oeuvre, even if couched in transparent jingoism. On the other, does a cooler theme song exist than the nWo's iconic entrance music? I would argue that song was the best part about that stable. It set the mood on their guerrilla videos perfectly, even if it did resemble porn score a bit too closely. On this day, I think I give the slight nod to "Rockhouse" though.
@LPishko asks who my favorite ECW wrestler and valet were, and which ECW talent I thought was most underutilized.
My favorite ECW wrestler is still active today and actually ran a show last night. I can't say I was drawn to Tommy Dreamer because he had the same first name. I liked how he never stayed down though. I loved that he beat the crap out of the faux-intellectual grungeball Raven. I thought his devotion to Terry Funk was totally adorable, even if I was totally rooting for Stevie Richards at Barely Legal. And regardless of what trappings he ended up in, he always delivered in the ring for me, even in WWECW when he was putting over Zack Ryder or having really fun hardcore brawls with Christian.
My favorite valet was Miss Congeniality, because I always had a thing for saucy redheads, and that trend continued far into WWE.
As for most underutilized ECW guy, again, I rooted for Stevie Richards at Barely Legal. The fact he was included in the three-way with Funk and Sandman to get a shot at Raven spoke to how well-regarded comedy wrestling was within the company, but no matter how much I missed the boat on Funk at the time (if 2013 me were watching 1997 ECW, I would have loved the shit out of the Funker), I still can't help but thinking the better story would have been Richards standing up to his former mentor once and for all. He followed Raven to WCW, and yeah, that excursion ended as well as a wet fart in church. The fact that his first run on top of any promotion was in Extreme Rising felt kinda late in his run. WWF/E was the only promotion I couldn't have seen him rule over. ECW was a perfect vehicle for him.
Two questions from @sallen_87. First, she wants to know which board game evokes the warmest childhood memories.
I know Monopoly has sparked some family bloodbaths with other clans, but some of the best Friday/Saturday nights I remember were spent playing the real estate shark game with family, whether immediate or extended. Sometimes, our games would extend into the wee hours of the night to be saved for completion to the next morning. For someone who has become politically to the left of Jesus Christ (look it up, Jesus was a pinko, Red Staters), I feel strange having such fondness for capitalist memories. But hey, fun with the family can come in many forms and is politically blind.
Second, against whom do I want to see Chris Hero wrestle at All-Star Weekend 10?
Well, without paying any heed to disrupting the cards that have been announced for both shows that weekend, I would pick ACH and Kevin Steen. ACH/Hero has happened in ACW, but rematches always seem to pick up luster when they happen in Reseda. While Hero/Steen wouldn't necessarily be new ground either, a match with those two would set a tone for Hero's return to PWG and where he'd stand.
In playing realistically with the cards announced so far, I would put Hero against Drake Younger on night one. The Ultraviolent Golden Boy seems to be one of PWG's next big mainstays, and rather than disrupt his match with Tommaso Ciampa, I would let him wrestle twice, just like Kevin Steen, El Generico, and Sami Callihan all have at some point. Night two, I would let Adam Cole be the one to wrestle twice in a night, as he would not only keep his defense against Johnny Gargano, but also enter the trios match alongside his Mount Rushmore teammates Steen and the Young Bucks against Candice LaRae, Joey Ryan, Younger, and Hero.
G9Z of the eponymous blog asks if I think Lita isn't remembered as fondly as Trish Stratus because of her portrayal on her way out.
All of the hullabaloo with both Lita and Stratus leaving WWE happened on my hiatus, so I can't really be the judge of the feeling at the time. However, I do know that Stratus was asked to do some degrading shit, maybe even more so than feigning sex in the ring with another man. Maybe Lita was on the outs with WWE on her own volition at the time, while Stratus was more amenable to contact? I don't know.
@brandon120 wants my power rankings for the ENTIRE Song of Fire and Ice/Game of Thrones universe.
Okay, I'm gonna rank these by personal preference rather than evil. An overall ranking at the end of Season 3, if you will.
1. Daenerys Targaryen - I'm sorry, but you don't lay waste to an entire city with moral justification on your side and not expect to take the top spot on this poll. I'M SORRY. NO I'M NOT. DANY RULZ, YOU JERKS DROOL.
2. Tyrion Lannister - I would have had Tyrion on top at the end of last season, but I think his fall is more a function of how goddamn like-a-boss the Rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms shot out this season.
3. Rhaegal, Viserion, and Drogon - Uh, they're dragons.
4. Arya Stark - Honestly, while I'm rooting for the younger Stark girl to kill everyone associated with Houses Lannister, Bolton, and Frey twice with the vengeance and fury of a thousand Maximus Decimus Meridiuses, the fact that her homicide is at a 12th grade level despite being aged 10 frightens me just a bit.
5. Sandor Clegane, "The Hound" - I love The Hound because despite being beaten with an ugly stick by his brother, he still remains even-handed and forgiving (well, as much as a hulking death dealer can be). He's maybe the most nuanced character in the series, and the death I think is going to befall him soon makes me sad.
6. Thoros of Myr - Dude, he raises folks FROM THE FUCKING DEAD. He is Beric Dondarrion's personal 1-Up mushroom.
7. Margaery Tyrell - Her manipulation game is strong, man, and anyone who looks to stick it to King Shithead Joffrey Baratheon is okay by me. The way she looks sans wardrobe is gravy.
8. Jon Snow - Jon Snow knows nothing, but I can't help but root for the bumbling stump of a Stark bastard (who probably isn't Ned's bastard, but I'm going too deep into nutball Westerosi conspiracy theories, so I'll stop.).
9. Lord Varys - The Jacob to Petyr Baelish's Man in Black knows how to play the game. I respect the hell out of his mad ups when it comes to King's Landing politics.
10. Olenna Redwyne - I wish she was my grandmother sometimes.
@HummerX is straining to know the difference between Dragon Gate USA and EVOLVE, and wants me to give him my opinion on the matter.
Literally, the only difference is that DGUSA has more Japanese guys on the card than EVOLVE shows. Both shows otherwise utilize the same talent who put on pretty good to great matches despite the fact that Gabe Sapolsky has lost his fastball, changeup, slider, and floater in terms of booking.
@thiszach wants to know my dream job in wrestling.
I don't want to develop a crippling painkiller addiction or have no use of my knees by age 39, so being an in-ring performer is out of the question. I have terrible delegating skills and am scatterbrained, so promoter/booker is kaput. I have trouble speaking in public, so both manager and announcer are out. By process of elimination, my dream wrestling job is full-time wrestling writer/journalist. Basically, I want to get paid the big bucks for what I'm doing right now as a hobby/passion. The biggest pipe dream of them all? Probably, but hey, I think it's a fine dream no less.
@FriskeyVsWorld is curious whether I think the Chikara dormancy will come to an end at National Pro Wrestling Day.
National Pro Wrestling Day is certainly one possible endpoint for the temporary (?) death of Chikara, especially since things are coming to an apparent head on November 30. Even though I've remained hopeful that Chikara would return on or before NPWD, so many loose threads need to be wrapped up. For example:
The fine folks at the What a Maneuver podcast ask who the more overrated booker is, Vince Russo or Eric Bischoff.
Oh geez, is either one of them all that highly regarded historically enough to be overrated? I don't know of any consensus that thinks either Bischoff or Russo are anything but one-trick ponies who were beneficiaries of big personalities and a hunger to watch wrestling on cable television. Any time Bischoff gets credit for porting the idea of an invading stable from Japan, he also gets derided rightly for driving it into the ground. Russo gets credit for the soul of the Attitude Era, but once he left the filter of Vince McMahon, his creative vision led to some messy WCW programming.
With all the above in mind, Bischoff did at least take WCW out of the early '80s in terms of production values, and the nWo at least was over in part because of vision and not just the personalities within it. To me, those positives make Bischoff the less heinous figure in wrestling history, at least professionally.
Scott T. Holland of the Irresistible vs. Immovable blog asks if he's the only one who thinks WWE is establishing a bona fide tag team division.
I've noticed the influx of tag team matches and secondary feuds as well. WWE right now has at least six established tag teams, which was around the number they had in the last tag team golden age in 1999-2001 (Edge/Christian, Dudleys, Hardys, APA, X-Factor, New Age Outlaws, Brothers of Destruction, although not all of them were overlapping). At least two of them, the Rhodes Boys and The Shield, are being integrated into main event feuds as well. Everything about how the tag team division is being constructed feels old school and genuine. I like it!
@IAmDarsie requests me to book hour-long Iron Man matches between 1987 Ric Flair and both CM Punk and Daniel Bryan (separately).
While Punk and Bryan both are favorites for their in-ring work, they're two decidedly different wrestlers. Punk feels like more of a brawler/striker, while Bryan's more of a high spot grappler hybrid. So, I'd model a Punk/Flair match after his blood-soaked wars with Dusty Rhodes, while his Bryan match would be more like a Flair/Steamboat broadway.
So, the Punk/Flair Iron Man would see Punk just beating the holy hell out of Flair most of the match, but Flair getting in cheapshots and flash pins to keep it close. With two minutes left and the score tied at three falls apiece, Flair intentionally low blows Punk and gets disqualified, but he takes the opportunity to roll up Punk and get a pin to keep it tied. He then locks in the figure four, and Punk passes out in it. Tommy Young raises Punk's arm three times, and his arm falls three times, the third happening right as the buzzer sounds. After instant replay, it's shown that Punk's arm falls right before the buzzer, and Flair wins in controversial manner.
As for Bryan/Flair, I see a cleaner match back and forth, but with Flair's surreptitious cheating gaining him a one fall advantage going into the final minute. Flair tries to play keep away, but Bryan catches him with a busaiku knee while he's in the ropes. Bryan drags Flair out and pins him. Flair continues to play keep away with the score tied, but Bryan slides at him and trips him up as he skids out of the ring. He hops back in, applies the LeBell Lock, and as time expires, Flair taps, giving Bryan the inspirational victory.
Vince Morales of Ole Wrestling asks if Antonio Cesaro were the third guy in The Shield instead of Roman Reigns where both guys would be today.
Cesaro has had quite the tumultuous and turbulent run in WWE right now, but would he be in a better position if he were in The Shield? He got a head start on the group, and even though the booking failed him for a good portion of 2013, he spent a lot of 2012 building his legend by hossing dudes around with the Neutralizer. Now, he's set to become a big deal with the Giant Swing. Then again, look at what The Shield did for Reigns, who was considered to be an add-on for the burgeoning stardom of Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. I doubt he would have gotten a second look as Leakee. In closing, I think Cesaro might be slightly better off while Reigns would be significantly worse. I think the current situation benefits them both.
@detectorsarcasm wants me to build a new iteration of Evolution only built for today.
RIC FLAIR: Triple H - Of course, if anyone were to reprise Evolution, wouldn't that person be the flagship of the prior iteration? The one thing that would give me pause about Trips as the managerial figure would be he may want to make the stable all about him, but he's seemed like he's been ready to put people over since he's turned heel.
TRIPLE H: Sheamus - He's already gotten a bunch of title reigns under his belt, and he's primed for a few more. He's better as a bad guy anyway.
BATISTA: Big E Langston - I know the throngs are ready to cheer Langston (I know I am!), but I think he has a bit of unexplored bad guy bodyguard/muscle territory that he could tread before being the big, breakout face of the group.
RANDY ORTON: Bo Dallas - A revived Evolution would be the perfect way to reintroduce Dallas to the masses to give him a bit of cache before beginning to recreate his current delusional jackass character in NXT on the bigger level.
Two from @NDEddieMac. First, is he off-base by noting how ridiculously better AJ Lee is than any other woman in WWE in the ring right now?
I don't think you're off-base. Even the women who have "wrestling" backgrounds don't seem to be on the same page as Lee right now. Tamina Snuka looks clunky in the ring, and Nattie Neidhart, who used to be one of the best in the world, seems permanently rusty. The only ones whom I think are even close to Lee are Alicia Fox and Kaitlyn at this point, and neither one of them are even on her level. That reason alone is enough to make me want to start the exodus from NXT to the big stage. Summer Rae would be a good start, but let's get Emma, Paige, and Sasha Banks up to the bigs too and start treating women's wrestling like more than a sideshow for horny assholes.
Second, why does football hate him so much?
Okay, I know Notre Dame suffered a heartbreaking loss to Pitt, but two things. One, you're also a Denver Broncos fan, and they're one of the best teams in the NFL. Two, you live in Austin, and the Texas Longhorns won yesterday. So while that result might not mean too much in the scheme of rooting interests, I bet the mood around Austin's sports fan community was elevated. You want someone whom football hates? How about a Northern Florida football fan who digs the Florida Gators and the Jacksonville Jaguars? Things could always be worse.
Rich Thomas of the Sad Salvation Podcast asks which is worse, fans fantasy booking or wrestling writers trying to predict the Mania card right now.
I have no quarrel with fans fantasy booking. While I think the practice might be a bit Sisyphean, I'm trying to get out of the habit of bashing any fan for consuming wrestling the way they want to unless they're being openly bigoted or hurtful towards other fans. Wrestling writers trying to project a WrestleMania card now, while still innocuous at a base level, is way worse to me, especially when dirt sheet writers are the ones charging money to subscribers to do the projecting. Talk about not giving enough bang for the customer's buck.
@KevinNewburn poses this choice: Ted Raimi or Clint Howard?
Well, based on looks alone, Ted Raimi would win in a walk. Howard was in a lot more stuff, although his variance seems a lot more wild than Raimi's. Let's go with Clint Howard here, because I bet Raimi never won a ceremonial MTV Movie Award.
Robert of Lo Down Wrestling asks if we'll ever see a Divas Money in the Bank match.
I think the possibility will get stronger after the WWE Championship and Big Gold Belt are unified. I can imagine a Money in the Bank pay-per-view anchored by only one ladder match, but WWE seems like a greedy company that projects the attitude that more is always better. So if only one big briefcase is in play, then if WWE wanted to keep multiple ladder matches on the same show, they'd have to branch out into different divisions. A briefcase for the Intercontinental or United States Championships would feel like too much work for very little return right now. That situation could improve with better booking, naturally.
The two areas where WWE could institute a ladder match for a banked briefcase would be in the tag team and women's division. Tying back into Eddie's question above, the women's division would have to be more fleshed out than just AJ Lee and a bunch of reality TV stars. But say in 2015, when Paige is the Divas Champion and Lee, Kaitlyn, Naomi, Emma, Banks, Bayley, Neidhart, and one or both Bella Twins are competing for the right to a banked title shot, maybe then the women's Money in the Bank match would work.
The folks at Explorations in Pro Wrestling ask if keeping kayfabe out of the ring adversely impacts fan interaction in the age of social media.
I think the problems with fan interactions are already happening. Look no further than Ryback, whose character is to be a giant bully. He acted like a douche at an autograph signing, and all of a sudden, the news sites exploded with reports of how he's the worst person who ever lived. He snipes at fans on Twitter, and it causes schadenfreude at his character getting disproportionate comeuppance. I'm not saying that heels heeling it up outside of the confines of the arena is necessarily a good idea or even a bad idea. The perception of whether a performer is a decent human being or not has no bearing on whether I enjoy him or her in the ring. However, for some folks, it totally does.
The problem comes not with whether fans get pissed off, because hey, if a wrestler's a heel, his or her goal is to piss off the fans and make them boo him/her. The media running with these stories and using them as fuel for saying a wrestler is "in the doghouse" or making a judgment on them as a performer because of it is the bigger problem. I think WWE.com or whatever the equivalent to Pro Wrestling Illustrated is today reporting on Ryback being a jerk is okay, but when the dirt sheets start doing it, then things start going awry.
The mistake made is thinking kayfabe is this monolithic thing that Vince Russo, Vince McMahon, and Eric Bischoff got together and decimated in the Monday Night Wars era. Instead, the concept is a living, breathing thing that ebbs and flows. Right now, kayfabe is in the process of being rebuilt in the era of social media and information overload, just like it had to be rebuilt in the past when the lid was blown off it. So yeah, I have less of a problem with wrestlers working on Twitter and more of a problem with the non-kayfabe reporters not recognizing that it is all a work.
@OkoriWadsworth asks if some enterprising promotion should try to reprise TNA's World X Cup, and if so, who.
New Japan Pro Wrestling probably is the best destination because they're used to running tournaments, attract top talent from all over the world, and has the kind of style amenable to the spirit of such an endeavor. My lineup would look like so:
Team Japan: Hiroshi Tanahashi, Jushin Liger, Jedo, Gado
Team USA: Karl Anderson, Alex Shelley, Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson
Team Europe/Commonwealth: Alex Koslov, Rocky Romero, Prince Devitt, Davey Boy Smith, Jr.
Team Mexico: Valiente, Mascara Dorada, Mistico, Atlantis
I'm sure some American promotion (Chikara?) could pull the concept off, but I think the tourney would be better served in NJPW.
Ian Riccaboni of Phillies Nation asks what my favorite Roxette song is.
Andrew Johnson of The John Report wants to know who would win a predetermined wrestling match, 1995 Lawrence Taylor or current-day Hugh Jackman.
I assume the match would happen in the present day with time travel capabilities, and with that in mind, I would say Jackman would be booked to win, right? Well, in 1995, LT was kinda coked out of his mind, so in order to keep him from going into business for himself and winning whether he was scripted to or not, let's give the duke to Taylor.
@wildvulture wants my opinion on who needs a total gimmick reboot, a la Kane, and who needs slight tweaking.
The gimmick overhaul goes to Kofi Kingston, who needs something to change his character and bad. I think a heel turn would do him good, but not just a simple shift in alignment. He needs to embrace a totally different character. He should to out of his way to be an asshole to fans, make crowd work his calling card. Most heels just insult the fans or attack popular wrestlers. Let Kingston rip up signs, pour out drinks, give his merch to rich, old men in the crowd instead of kids. His new asshole character could the spark he needs to break through.
The gimmick tweak goes to Wade Barrett. I think the Bad News Barrett thing he has going for him on the JBL and Cole Show is brilliant, but I would like to see it integrated into stories. Barrett can be the messenger that trigger-happy wrestlers always want to shoot. I like when wrestling embraces the absurd, and having matches or even feuds start because Barrett relays some bad fortune about a wrestler would be fantastic.
@indiandeathlock asks if I were a wrestler, what kind of dinosaur would I be?
No brainer. I would be a velociraptor. Imagine if Randy Orton were actually an apex predator and not a dude with shitty tattoos. Yup.
Shane Carnes of this site's Impactful Feedback has two questions. First, do I think Randy Orton vs. John Cena in a unification bout is inevitable given Hell in a Cell?
Nothing is inevitable, especially for WrestleMania this far out from the card. I'm not saying Orton/Cena Unification won't happen at WrestleMania, but I'm also not going into super dread overdrive either. For one, I'm not entirely sure the titles are getting unified at this WrestleMania. Secondly, so many other moving parts are still translating at blinding speeds right now. How do I know Daniel Bryan won't win the Royal Rumble? What about CM Punk? A returning Sheamus? A healed Mark Henry? The Big Show? Brock Lesnar? Undertaker? Cody Rhodes? Damien Sandow? The Rock? So much is up in the air at this point that worrying about an inevitability this far out seems like inviting an ulcer.
Second, who is my favorite character from the Toy Story series?
I love Pixar's flagship series, but if I'm being completely honest, my favorite character is probably Wheezy, if just for this performance:
Trey Irby, he of Past Being Prologue, asks why I refuse to Roll Tide with him.
The reason why I don't Roll Tide is because if I'm going to root for a crushing, overwhelming favorite, I might as well root for one that seems to engender an attitude of fun along the way. Florida State annihilates teams, but they do so with exciting, big play offense. Alabama seems to take pride in suffocating opponents, which is about as fun as getting punched in the dick by Mike Tyson. The only times I've enjoyed watching Bama football in the last five years has been when they've gone up against Texas A&M, and that only makes me love the Ags instead of appreciating Bama. Sorry, but I can't jump on that bandwagon.
@JohnJohnPhenom kicks the TweetBag off with asking my thoughts about the idea of Colt Cabana leading the charge against the rogue forces besieging the Wrestling Is... promotions.
If I wasn't so convinced that Cabana is at least close to signing with WWE, I might buy into the above theory a bit more. He dropped the hint that he's been in off-and-on contact with WWE on the Steve Austin Show. Then again, I don't have anything else but that show and a few hints he seems to be dropping sparsely in his own podcasts. Maybe I'm thinking wishfully.
But let's go with Occam's Razor and assume Cabana will be sticking around the indies for the foreseeable future. His opposition would start later today at what Sinn Bodhi is cryptically hinting at as the last in Wrestling Is Art's history, since that company is his de facto home base at this point. Very few wrestlers from the outside are as closely aligned with Mike Quackenbush in a kayfabe sense than Cabana. I think the theory passes muster, but if nothing happens later today other than Bodhi shutting the promotion down, then the eyes will have to gaze towards FDR Park on November 30, won't they?
@ray_fuck asks if I think my Wu-Tang sword can defeat him.
You of all people should know Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthin' to fuck wit'.
@robot_hammer wonders if any wrestler can match or exceed Andre the Giant's performance in The Princess Bride.
Obviously, Andre set an extremely high bar with his performance as Fezzik in the iconic cult fantasy comedy flick. I loved his turn, and he had the perfect, statuesque presence alongside the steely cool of Cary Elwes' Westley and the revenge-fueled flair of Mandy Patinkin's Inigo Montoya. However, the crop of wrestlers who have acting chops grows by the minute. His turn in Knucklehead aside, if Big Show got a better script to work with, he might be able to top his kayfabe father. AJ Lee would definitely work in several different film roles as well.
However, my personal pick would be Big E Langston in a weird, modern comedy. I think he would surpass Kareem Abdul-Jabbar if they decided to remake Airplane!, or perhaps he could steal scene after scene as a sassy bodyguard type in an action comedy. Langston just exudes so much understated character that I don't think the wrestling ring is the only place for him to unleash his ham.
@PatrickEhland asks which theme song I prefer, "Real American" or "Rockhouse?" (the nWo theme)
Oooh, this choice is a tough one. On one hand, "Real American" packs in all the nostalgia of my formative days as a wrestling fan. It has big, beefy riffs, cheesy patriotic lyrics, and inspirational oeuvre, even if couched in transparent jingoism. On the other, does a cooler theme song exist than the nWo's iconic entrance music? I would argue that song was the best part about that stable. It set the mood on their guerrilla videos perfectly, even if it did resemble porn score a bit too closely. On this day, I think I give the slight nod to "Rockhouse" though.
@LPishko asks who my favorite ECW wrestler and valet were, and which ECW talent I thought was most underutilized.
My favorite ECW wrestler is still active today and actually ran a show last night. I can't say I was drawn to Tommy Dreamer because he had the same first name. I liked how he never stayed down though. I loved that he beat the crap out of the faux-intellectual grungeball Raven. I thought his devotion to Terry Funk was totally adorable, even if I was totally rooting for Stevie Richards at Barely Legal. And regardless of what trappings he ended up in, he always delivered in the ring for me, even in WWECW when he was putting over Zack Ryder or having really fun hardcore brawls with Christian.
My favorite valet was Miss Congeniality, because I always had a thing for saucy redheads, and that trend continued far into WWE.
As for most underutilized ECW guy, again, I rooted for Stevie Richards at Barely Legal. The fact he was included in the three-way with Funk and Sandman to get a shot at Raven spoke to how well-regarded comedy wrestling was within the company, but no matter how much I missed the boat on Funk at the time (if 2013 me were watching 1997 ECW, I would have loved the shit out of the Funker), I still can't help but thinking the better story would have been Richards standing up to his former mentor once and for all. He followed Raven to WCW, and yeah, that excursion ended as well as a wet fart in church. The fact that his first run on top of any promotion was in Extreme Rising felt kinda late in his run. WWF/E was the only promotion I couldn't have seen him rule over. ECW was a perfect vehicle for him.
Two questions from @sallen_87. First, she wants to know which board game evokes the warmest childhood memories.
I know Monopoly has sparked some family bloodbaths with other clans, but some of the best Friday/Saturday nights I remember were spent playing the real estate shark game with family, whether immediate or extended. Sometimes, our games would extend into the wee hours of the night to be saved for completion to the next morning. For someone who has become politically to the left of Jesus Christ (look it up, Jesus was a pinko, Red Staters), I feel strange having such fondness for capitalist memories. But hey, fun with the family can come in many forms and is politically blind.
Second, against whom do I want to see Chris Hero wrestle at All-Star Weekend 10?
Well, without paying any heed to disrupting the cards that have been announced for both shows that weekend, I would pick ACH and Kevin Steen. ACH/Hero has happened in ACW, but rematches always seem to pick up luster when they happen in Reseda. While Hero/Steen wouldn't necessarily be new ground either, a match with those two would set a tone for Hero's return to PWG and where he'd stand.
In playing realistically with the cards announced so far, I would put Hero against Drake Younger on night one. The Ultraviolent Golden Boy seems to be one of PWG's next big mainstays, and rather than disrupt his match with Tommaso Ciampa, I would let him wrestle twice, just like Kevin Steen, El Generico, and Sami Callihan all have at some point. Night two, I would let Adam Cole be the one to wrestle twice in a night, as he would not only keep his defense against Johnny Gargano, but also enter the trios match alongside his Mount Rushmore teammates Steen and the Young Bucks against Candice LaRae, Joey Ryan, Younger, and Hero.
G9Z of the eponymous blog asks if I think Lita isn't remembered as fondly as Trish Stratus because of her portrayal on her way out.
All of the hullabaloo with both Lita and Stratus leaving WWE happened on my hiatus, so I can't really be the judge of the feeling at the time. However, I do know that Stratus was asked to do some degrading shit, maybe even more so than feigning sex in the ring with another man. Maybe Lita was on the outs with WWE on her own volition at the time, while Stratus was more amenable to contact? I don't know.
@brandon120 wants my power rankings for the ENTIRE Song of Fire and Ice/Game of Thrones universe.
Okay, I'm gonna rank these by personal preference rather than evil. An overall ranking at the end of Season 3, if you will.
1. Daenerys Targaryen - I'm sorry, but you don't lay waste to an entire city with moral justification on your side and not expect to take the top spot on this poll. I'M SORRY. NO I'M NOT. DANY RULZ, YOU JERKS DROOL.
2. Tyrion Lannister - I would have had Tyrion on top at the end of last season, but I think his fall is more a function of how goddamn like-a-boss the Rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms shot out this season.
3. Rhaegal, Viserion, and Drogon - Uh, they're dragons.
4. Arya Stark - Honestly, while I'm rooting for the younger Stark girl to kill everyone associated with Houses Lannister, Bolton, and Frey twice with the vengeance and fury of a thousand Maximus Decimus Meridiuses, the fact that her homicide is at a 12th grade level despite being aged 10 frightens me just a bit.
5. Sandor Clegane, "The Hound" - I love The Hound because despite being beaten with an ugly stick by his brother, he still remains even-handed and forgiving (well, as much as a hulking death dealer can be). He's maybe the most nuanced character in the series, and the death I think is going to befall him soon makes me sad.
6. Thoros of Myr - Dude, he raises folks FROM THE FUCKING DEAD. He is Beric Dondarrion's personal 1-Up mushroom.
7. Margaery Tyrell - Her manipulation game is strong, man, and anyone who looks to stick it to King Shithead Joffrey Baratheon is okay by me. The way she looks sans wardrobe is gravy.
8. Jon Snow - Jon Snow knows nothing, but I can't help but root for the bumbling stump of a Stark bastard (who probably isn't Ned's bastard, but I'm going too deep into nutball Westerosi conspiracy theories, so I'll stop.).
9. Lord Varys - The Jacob to Petyr Baelish's Man in Black knows how to play the game. I respect the hell out of his mad ups when it comes to King's Landing politics.
10. Olenna Redwyne - I wish she was my grandmother sometimes.
@HummerX is straining to know the difference between Dragon Gate USA and EVOLVE, and wants me to give him my opinion on the matter.
Literally, the only difference is that DGUSA has more Japanese guys on the card than EVOLVE shows. Both shows otherwise utilize the same talent who put on pretty good to great matches despite the fact that Gabe Sapolsky has lost his fastball, changeup, slider, and floater in terms of booking.
@thiszach wants to know my dream job in wrestling.
I don't want to develop a crippling painkiller addiction or have no use of my knees by age 39, so being an in-ring performer is out of the question. I have terrible delegating skills and am scatterbrained, so promoter/booker is kaput. I have trouble speaking in public, so both manager and announcer are out. By process of elimination, my dream wrestling job is full-time wrestling writer/journalist. Basically, I want to get paid the big bucks for what I'm doing right now as a hobby/passion. The biggest pipe dream of them all? Probably, but hey, I think it's a fine dream no less.
@FriskeyVsWorld is curious whether I think the Chikara dormancy will come to an end at National Pro Wrestling Day.
National Pro Wrestling Day is certainly one possible endpoint for the temporary (?) death of Chikara, especially since things are coming to an apparent head on November 30. Even though I've remained hopeful that Chikara would return on or before NPWD, so many loose threads need to be wrapped up. For example:
- Why did Wink Vavasseur have such a change of heart, and where (when?) is his father?
- Where (when?) in the world is Archibald Peck?
- What significance does Elohim City hold?
- What do Mike Quackenbush and Derek Sabato know, and how will they implement it?
- Why are all Chikara's big bads coming back to shut down the Wrestling Is... satellites?
- How will Icarus get the band back together to counteract the near infinite numbers of Condor Security?
- Why did they kidnap "Thom?"
The fine folks at the What a Maneuver podcast ask who the more overrated booker is, Vince Russo or Eric Bischoff.
Oh geez, is either one of them all that highly regarded historically enough to be overrated? I don't know of any consensus that thinks either Bischoff or Russo are anything but one-trick ponies who were beneficiaries of big personalities and a hunger to watch wrestling on cable television. Any time Bischoff gets credit for porting the idea of an invading stable from Japan, he also gets derided rightly for driving it into the ground. Russo gets credit for the soul of the Attitude Era, but once he left the filter of Vince McMahon, his creative vision led to some messy WCW programming.
With all the above in mind, Bischoff did at least take WCW out of the early '80s in terms of production values, and the nWo at least was over in part because of vision and not just the personalities within it. To me, those positives make Bischoff the less heinous figure in wrestling history, at least professionally.
Scott T. Holland of the Irresistible vs. Immovable blog asks if he's the only one who thinks WWE is establishing a bona fide tag team division.
I've noticed the influx of tag team matches and secondary feuds as well. WWE right now has at least six established tag teams, which was around the number they had in the last tag team golden age in 1999-2001 (Edge/Christian, Dudleys, Hardys, APA, X-Factor, New Age Outlaws, Brothers of Destruction, although not all of them were overlapping). At least two of them, the Rhodes Boys and The Shield, are being integrated into main event feuds as well. Everything about how the tag team division is being constructed feels old school and genuine. I like it!
@IAmDarsie requests me to book hour-long Iron Man matches between 1987 Ric Flair and both CM Punk and Daniel Bryan (separately).
While Punk and Bryan both are favorites for their in-ring work, they're two decidedly different wrestlers. Punk feels like more of a brawler/striker, while Bryan's more of a high spot grappler hybrid. So, I'd model a Punk/Flair match after his blood-soaked wars with Dusty Rhodes, while his Bryan match would be more like a Flair/Steamboat broadway.
So, the Punk/Flair Iron Man would see Punk just beating the holy hell out of Flair most of the match, but Flair getting in cheapshots and flash pins to keep it close. With two minutes left and the score tied at three falls apiece, Flair intentionally low blows Punk and gets disqualified, but he takes the opportunity to roll up Punk and get a pin to keep it tied. He then locks in the figure four, and Punk passes out in it. Tommy Young raises Punk's arm three times, and his arm falls three times, the third happening right as the buzzer sounds. After instant replay, it's shown that Punk's arm falls right before the buzzer, and Flair wins in controversial manner.
As for Bryan/Flair, I see a cleaner match back and forth, but with Flair's surreptitious cheating gaining him a one fall advantage going into the final minute. Flair tries to play keep away, but Bryan catches him with a busaiku knee while he's in the ropes. Bryan drags Flair out and pins him. Flair continues to play keep away with the score tied, but Bryan slides at him and trips him up as he skids out of the ring. He hops back in, applies the LeBell Lock, and as time expires, Flair taps, giving Bryan the inspirational victory.
Vince Morales of Ole Wrestling asks if Antonio Cesaro were the third guy in The Shield instead of Roman Reigns where both guys would be today.
Cesaro has had quite the tumultuous and turbulent run in WWE right now, but would he be in a better position if he were in The Shield? He got a head start on the group, and even though the booking failed him for a good portion of 2013, he spent a lot of 2012 building his legend by hossing dudes around with the Neutralizer. Now, he's set to become a big deal with the Giant Swing. Then again, look at what The Shield did for Reigns, who was considered to be an add-on for the burgeoning stardom of Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. I doubt he would have gotten a second look as Leakee. In closing, I think Cesaro might be slightly better off while Reigns would be significantly worse. I think the current situation benefits them both.
@detectorsarcasm wants me to build a new iteration of Evolution only built for today.
RIC FLAIR: Triple H - Of course, if anyone were to reprise Evolution, wouldn't that person be the flagship of the prior iteration? The one thing that would give me pause about Trips as the managerial figure would be he may want to make the stable all about him, but he's seemed like he's been ready to put people over since he's turned heel.
TRIPLE H: Sheamus - He's already gotten a bunch of title reigns under his belt, and he's primed for a few more. He's better as a bad guy anyway.
BATISTA: Big E Langston - I know the throngs are ready to cheer Langston (I know I am!), but I think he has a bit of unexplored bad guy bodyguard/muscle territory that he could tread before being the big, breakout face of the group.
RANDY ORTON: Bo Dallas - A revived Evolution would be the perfect way to reintroduce Dallas to the masses to give him a bit of cache before beginning to recreate his current delusional jackass character in NXT on the bigger level.
Two from @NDEddieMac. First, is he off-base by noting how ridiculously better AJ Lee is than any other woman in WWE in the ring right now?
I don't think you're off-base. Even the women who have "wrestling" backgrounds don't seem to be on the same page as Lee right now. Tamina Snuka looks clunky in the ring, and Nattie Neidhart, who used to be one of the best in the world, seems permanently rusty. The only ones whom I think are even close to Lee are Alicia Fox and Kaitlyn at this point, and neither one of them are even on her level. That reason alone is enough to make me want to start the exodus from NXT to the big stage. Summer Rae would be a good start, but let's get Emma, Paige, and Sasha Banks up to the bigs too and start treating women's wrestling like more than a sideshow for horny assholes.
Second, why does football hate him so much?
Okay, I know Notre Dame suffered a heartbreaking loss to Pitt, but two things. One, you're also a Denver Broncos fan, and they're one of the best teams in the NFL. Two, you live in Austin, and the Texas Longhorns won yesterday. So while that result might not mean too much in the scheme of rooting interests, I bet the mood around Austin's sports fan community was elevated. You want someone whom football hates? How about a Northern Florida football fan who digs the Florida Gators and the Jacksonville Jaguars? Things could always be worse.
Rich Thomas of the Sad Salvation Podcast asks which is worse, fans fantasy booking or wrestling writers trying to predict the Mania card right now.
I have no quarrel with fans fantasy booking. While I think the practice might be a bit Sisyphean, I'm trying to get out of the habit of bashing any fan for consuming wrestling the way they want to unless they're being openly bigoted or hurtful towards other fans. Wrestling writers trying to project a WrestleMania card now, while still innocuous at a base level, is way worse to me, especially when dirt sheet writers are the ones charging money to subscribers to do the projecting. Talk about not giving enough bang for the customer's buck.
@KevinNewburn poses this choice: Ted Raimi or Clint Howard?
Well, based on looks alone, Ted Raimi would win in a walk. Howard was in a lot more stuff, although his variance seems a lot more wild than Raimi's. Let's go with Clint Howard here, because I bet Raimi never won a ceremonial MTV Movie Award.
Robert of Lo Down Wrestling asks if we'll ever see a Divas Money in the Bank match.
I think the possibility will get stronger after the WWE Championship and Big Gold Belt are unified. I can imagine a Money in the Bank pay-per-view anchored by only one ladder match, but WWE seems like a greedy company that projects the attitude that more is always better. So if only one big briefcase is in play, then if WWE wanted to keep multiple ladder matches on the same show, they'd have to branch out into different divisions. A briefcase for the Intercontinental or United States Championships would feel like too much work for very little return right now. That situation could improve with better booking, naturally.
The two areas where WWE could institute a ladder match for a banked briefcase would be in the tag team and women's division. Tying back into Eddie's question above, the women's division would have to be more fleshed out than just AJ Lee and a bunch of reality TV stars. But say in 2015, when Paige is the Divas Champion and Lee, Kaitlyn, Naomi, Emma, Banks, Bayley, Neidhart, and one or both Bella Twins are competing for the right to a banked title shot, maybe then the women's Money in the Bank match would work.
The folks at Explorations in Pro Wrestling ask if keeping kayfabe out of the ring adversely impacts fan interaction in the age of social media.
I think the problems with fan interactions are already happening. Look no further than Ryback, whose character is to be a giant bully. He acted like a douche at an autograph signing, and all of a sudden, the news sites exploded with reports of how he's the worst person who ever lived. He snipes at fans on Twitter, and it causes schadenfreude at his character getting disproportionate comeuppance. I'm not saying that heels heeling it up outside of the confines of the arena is necessarily a good idea or even a bad idea. The perception of whether a performer is a decent human being or not has no bearing on whether I enjoy him or her in the ring. However, for some folks, it totally does.
The problem comes not with whether fans get pissed off, because hey, if a wrestler's a heel, his or her goal is to piss off the fans and make them boo him/her. The media running with these stories and using them as fuel for saying a wrestler is "in the doghouse" or making a judgment on them as a performer because of it is the bigger problem. I think WWE.com or whatever the equivalent to Pro Wrestling Illustrated is today reporting on Ryback being a jerk is okay, but when the dirt sheets start doing it, then things start going awry.
The mistake made is thinking kayfabe is this monolithic thing that Vince Russo, Vince McMahon, and Eric Bischoff got together and decimated in the Monday Night Wars era. Instead, the concept is a living, breathing thing that ebbs and flows. Right now, kayfabe is in the process of being rebuilt in the era of social media and information overload, just like it had to be rebuilt in the past when the lid was blown off it. So yeah, I have less of a problem with wrestlers working on Twitter and more of a problem with the non-kayfabe reporters not recognizing that it is all a work.
@OkoriWadsworth asks if some enterprising promotion should try to reprise TNA's World X Cup, and if so, who.
New Japan Pro Wrestling probably is the best destination because they're used to running tournaments, attract top talent from all over the world, and has the kind of style amenable to the spirit of such an endeavor. My lineup would look like so:
Team Japan: Hiroshi Tanahashi, Jushin Liger, Jedo, Gado
Team USA: Karl Anderson, Alex Shelley, Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson
Team Europe/Commonwealth: Alex Koslov, Rocky Romero, Prince Devitt, Davey Boy Smith, Jr.
Team Mexico: Valiente, Mascara Dorada, Mistico, Atlantis
I'm sure some American promotion (Chikara?) could pull the concept off, but I think the tourney would be better served in NJPW.
Ian Riccaboni of Phillies Nation asks what my favorite Roxette song is.
Andrew Johnson of The John Report wants to know who would win a predetermined wrestling match, 1995 Lawrence Taylor or current-day Hugh Jackman.
I assume the match would happen in the present day with time travel capabilities, and with that in mind, I would say Jackman would be booked to win, right? Well, in 1995, LT was kinda coked out of his mind, so in order to keep him from going into business for himself and winning whether he was scripted to or not, let's give the duke to Taylor.
@wildvulture wants my opinion on who needs a total gimmick reboot, a la Kane, and who needs slight tweaking.
The gimmick overhaul goes to Kofi Kingston, who needs something to change his character and bad. I think a heel turn would do him good, but not just a simple shift in alignment. He needs to embrace a totally different character. He should to out of his way to be an asshole to fans, make crowd work his calling card. Most heels just insult the fans or attack popular wrestlers. Let Kingston rip up signs, pour out drinks, give his merch to rich, old men in the crowd instead of kids. His new asshole character could the spark he needs to break through.
The gimmick tweak goes to Wade Barrett. I think the Bad News Barrett thing he has going for him on the JBL and Cole Show is brilliant, but I would like to see it integrated into stories. Barrett can be the messenger that trigger-happy wrestlers always want to shoot. I like when wrestling embraces the absurd, and having matches or even feuds start because Barrett relays some bad fortune about a wrestler would be fantastic.
@indiandeathlock asks if I were a wrestler, what kind of dinosaur would I be?
No brainer. I would be a velociraptor. Imagine if Randy Orton were actually an apex predator and not a dude with shitty tattoos. Yup.
Shane Carnes of this site's Impactful Feedback has two questions. First, do I think Randy Orton vs. John Cena in a unification bout is inevitable given Hell in a Cell?
Nothing is inevitable, especially for WrestleMania this far out from the card. I'm not saying Orton/Cena Unification won't happen at WrestleMania, but I'm also not going into super dread overdrive either. For one, I'm not entirely sure the titles are getting unified at this WrestleMania. Secondly, so many other moving parts are still translating at blinding speeds right now. How do I know Daniel Bryan won't win the Royal Rumble? What about CM Punk? A returning Sheamus? A healed Mark Henry? The Big Show? Brock Lesnar? Undertaker? Cody Rhodes? Damien Sandow? The Rock? So much is up in the air at this point that worrying about an inevitability this far out seems like inviting an ulcer.
Second, who is my favorite character from the Toy Story series?
I love Pixar's flagship series, but if I'm being completely honest, my favorite character is probably Wheezy, if just for this performance:
Trey Irby, he of Past Being Prologue, asks why I refuse to Roll Tide with him.
The reason why I don't Roll Tide is because if I'm going to root for a crushing, overwhelming favorite, I might as well root for one that seems to engender an attitude of fun along the way. Florida State annihilates teams, but they do so with exciting, big play offense. Alabama seems to take pride in suffocating opponents, which is about as fun as getting punched in the dick by Mike Tyson. The only times I've enjoyed watching Bama football in the last five years has been when they've gone up against Texas A&M, and that only makes me love the Ags instead of appreciating Bama. Sorry, but I can't jump on that bandwagon.