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| Trinity/Naomi had some, ahem, advice for Ariane/Cameron this week Photo Credit: WWE.com |
But storylines with Eva Marie, and by proxy, anyone sharing the screen with Eva Marie, tend to break this point. It's a lot like Eva Marie's wrestling skill in that it is genuinely hard to stretch this reality. Eva is almost the point where the audience begins to notice the travashamockery of the program itself. It's not that other problems are less fake, but that Eva's sort of bland delivery of her character's egotism is so unconvincing. It's not that I don't believe Eva Marie has a high opinion of herself. It's that I don't believe she exists at all. She is the cypher for WWE to just throw on more cheesecake bikini shots for its website. And when I think about that, I think in the cynical part of my brain that wants to divert me from watching this goofy programming. It's why I can't get into American Idol or The Voice. I'm immediately thinking about how the music industry will ruin these young adults instead of being impressed by semi-competent karaoke of some Journey song I forgot.
And much like a lot of the characters on this week's episode, that makes me have a sad.
1. Vincent
I'm officially excising all of the times I said anything remotely negative, because using the Vincent/Ariane story in the mix of the toxic storyline of the first half hour has allowed me to see the light on Vincent as a glorious man. What we've learned over time is that Vincent is this goofy meathead seemingly on the outside who is actually very patient in the course of his relationships. He and Ariane hadn't had sex in a month, and it seems Ariane just generally doesn't feel comfortable about sex in general. And Vincent is okay with this, because he loves Ariane. Also, he has a giant cock. I am more than envious.
2. Ariane
With that said, Vincent/Ariane was the arc of the show as well for how weird the shoehorned references are. Ariane used "YES like Daniel Bryan says" during whip foreplay, and brought in the term "Awkward Dot Com" to the joy of probably just me since I'm the only one recapping a show during a pay-per-view, I think. But it's always nice when there's more of a frankness to discussing sex on television. Ariane's sex troubles read more like a scene from Masters of Sex than "wrestling women reality show." And her worries that her body just views sex as pain is probably one of the needed discussions about sex that never happens in a culture that rejects sexual discussion as perverted.
3. Nikki Bella
Similarly, Nikki Bella has been one of the show's interesting examples of sexual liberation. And while much of Total Divas operates on awful stereotypes, right down to the show's damn title, it is actually very heartwarming to see a woman say of her man "we need to have sex every day, because you're good at this and I like being pleased because come on, sex is pretty cool." Using it as a term to even out a relationship that feels more like John Cena has the power is helpful as well. All I'm saying is GET IT, GRRL.
4. Daniel Bryan
I'm willing to give Daniel Bryan a pass on his relaxed manner of addressing stress. He's very chilled for a man whose best work has been him screaming at the top of his lungs. And his dealing with Brie being upset that Bryan's increased profile has taken away from the time in their relationship was interesting. But I wasn't crazy about the ironic use of "Make me a sandwich, woman." D-Bry, you're better than ironic sexism! Also, RIP Asparagus.
5. Brie Bella
I find that Brie doesn't have to do much these days for me to like her. I may be far too influenced in her choice of men, but for all the characters on this show that act rather unlike humans, Brie's character feels the most grounded in her reality, even when she kind of says awful things and does dumb catchphrases like "Brie Mode."
6. Trinity
Barely any Trinity, except for important advice that having sex in a relationship tends to make the relationship go smoother for some folks. Trin, you so wise.
7. John Cena
In classic Cena fashion, John is shown to be a complete dickhead for 55 minutes (note the "guest" terminology in the show-long arc of the cohabitation agreement). BUT YOU SEE, GUYS, HE'S DOING THAT BECAUSE HE'S MADE SURE EVERYONE WITH THE LAST NAME CENA IS A-OK FINANCIALLY. God, even Total Divas John Cena is such a damn boy scout.
8. Eva Marie
I only have Eva this high because her problem with Nattie is legitimately the biggest non-problem on the earth, and frankly, Eva Marie using TJ "Tyson Kidd" for any ring work is at least a smart decision if you want to even have a snowball's chance in hell of being competent in the next five years. And apparently, her crime for this episode is "being attractive and tempting mah man" so even if I can't stand Eva, I'm always going to be for that.
9. TJ
C'mon son, don't be so passive-aggressive.
10. Natalya
Total Divas (and okay, some Raw matches) has finally and effectively ruined the appeal of Natalya to me. Nattie's cross to bear this season has been to sell some absurdly stupid thoughts and character decisions. She's very guarded about the most innocuous things. Girl, peeing yourself a little isn't an awful thing. It happens. Stone Cold SHIT HIS PANTS during a match. And we've all had accidents where we went by accident when it's not ideal. But anyway, for this week, Nattie's job is to play jealous in the most boneheaded way possible, because apparently Nattie cared so much about wrestling TJ that she wanted to date him forever. Because I guess the training itself was irrelevant to wanting to have sex with a guy. I'm sorry, I don't buy that Eva Marie is this evil wench trying to steal Tyson freaking Kidd away. C'mon son. Get over yourself.