The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Episode 13

The new power couple of Total Divas? Photo Credit: WWE.com

Five minutes into the latest Total Divas, true magic recycled from the sitcom playbook began to form on my television screen. Before this point, Total Divas had been extremely sluggish upon its return. The heavy focus on plots that are less humorous has run with mixed results. I can buy the weirdness of some people, but not the (mostly involving Nattie and Eva Marie) cattiness. And I guess that's fine, because I'm probably not the target audience for the program to begin with. Still, the last few weeks had actually been harder to watch. Then this moment happened:


Oh, wait, that's from 30 Rock. But the plot is just as ridiculous. We find out that Ariane is recording a song called "Bye Bye." This is mentioned and we see Ariane in the studio. And then never again. It is as if I had a fever dream that reality star and also sort of wrestler Ariane was Angie Jordan (thus the clip above). Ah well, people do like the way she says "girl bye."

But if that was it, I would chalk that up as a weird anomaly. But it gets better. Again, with zero mention in past episodes that Vincent even likes wrestling, Ariane convinces Vincent to try out at the WWE Performance Center. And he just does it just to do it, I guess. It is at this moment that Total Divas returns to the land of the glorious. Why did this happen? Because they needed something to happen. That is the only way. And how would Ariane not know that Vincent needs conditioning to be good at this stuff? These lapses in logic that go beyond even their own show's standard of logic are the most wonderful things I can imagine. In reality TV, this is more my speed instead of old people yelling or semi-ironic redneck folk heroes.

1. Vincent

And it should be said that Vincent's character trait of wanting to please his lady by giving in to her suggestions is admirable. He was the most fun on this show by far, and it's surprising how quickly he's went from a random meathead to one of the more curious characters on the show. He's just quirky enough to be interesting in this context. And also, the guy dealt with Bill DeMott. That takes cajones to withstand because screw that guy.

2. Trinity

Trin's biggest complaint in this episode was her outfit. This isn't that interesting. But after referring to her vagina as her "cookie," she upped the euphemism ante with calling her breasts "potatoes." Never change.

3. Ariane

Seeing as she is the other half of the week's power couple, I feel I owe this spot to her.

4. John Cena

Cena is just a giant weirdo, in truth. His opulence has allowed him situations in which he cannot relate to basic "this is what normal people are like" function. And I guess that's not a surprise, but in this universe, it is still somehow bizarre. This Cena, one who doesn't want water on the counter in worry that it will mess up the marble, is almost real because he is so weird about these innocuous concerns about his house.

(I'm getting bored with descriptions at the moment, so here's songs related to their week's story!)

5. Nikki Bella


6. Brie Bella


7. Sandra The Seamstress


8. Eva Marie


9. Jojo


10. Nattie