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| FFFFUUUUUUUU JAY BRADLEY FFFFFUUUUUU Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
It's time, it's time, it's SORTING TIME, wherein I place all the wrestlers I experienced in 2013 into neat little bins judging on how much or little I liked them. The first category is "Unequivocal Hatred". Placement in this bin doesn't mean I hate the person, because that would be fucking stupid. However, it means I hate the on-screen personality to the point where I'd rather eat hot coals while getting a pedicure from a housecat than watch the following in a wrestling capacity.
Jay Bradley - Figures that a generic looking dude with muscles whose biggest claim to fame before signing was clotheslining a woman after a match to the delight of sweaty assholes at National Pro Wrestling Day got the Gut Check nod to TNA over Brian Cage.
Aksana - I know hating on the Divas is just passé at this point, but every time Aksana makes a step forward, she takes, like a billion steps back. She's the emblem of WWE's problem with women right now. I know it's not her fault per se, but I still hate seeing her in the ring.
Alex Riley - I thought I'd be able to tolerate him better as a part of the broadcast team. He can't even do that right.
Joe Koff - You ever see Multiplicity, and they make the clone of the clone of Michael Keaton? Koff as an authority figure on screen is that clone of a clone.
Wes Brisco - Yay, nepotism!
Shingo Takagi - Still the worst of the Dragon Gate Japanese guys with his stupid hair and utter lack of coordination to go with his annoying in-ring style.
CJ Parker - A hippie, in 2013, played by someone who has no fucking idea what it would mean to be a hippie? WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA, GUYS.
Ethan Page - No, guys, I don't want to see the guy with the domestic violence gimmick get beaten by his opponent. I want to see him get thrown the fuck in jail. And having Seleziya Sparx be in on it the whole time wasn't a brilliant swerve, it was cheap storytelling. And no, he's not even that good in the ring to make up for it.
Sting - Man, aren't the next two months of STING VS. UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA rumors gonna be rad?
/drinks turpentine
Mike Tenay - Sure guys, defend him because he knew the name of a fucking tope con hilo in 1997 while being part of the clown car that was WCW's commentary booth. It's cute.
Cheeseburger - I honestly shouldn't even put Cheeseburger on here, because really, it's not his fault that he's being asked to go out and sexually assault Maria Kanellis for the amusement of the people in the audience who think sexual assault is fucking hilarious. But then again, he is executing the angle, so yeah.
Kevin Kelly - Do you want to convey you're a cutting edge product? Then sure, the no-brainer hire for your play-by-play announcer is the guy Rock made fun of all the time during the Attitude Era.
Taz - The word "yambag" stopped being cool when Opie and Anthony got booted off the air in 2002.
Garrett Bischoff - See "Wes Brisco," but then realize that Bischoff didn't even have the benefit of extensive training in wrestling before being shuttled into a key role in TNA.
Chavo Guerrero - Of course TNA hired him. Of course.
Larry Dallas - Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's purpose?
Kurt Angle -I get the feeling ragging on Kurt Angle isn't so much worthy but sad at this point. You can tell he's playing out the string in TNA, pretending he's being loyal until he can jump ship to WWE and get paid enough to get decent healthcare and work a Shawn Michaels/Undertaker schedule. But then I realize he got to that state because he'd rather do drugs and kick out of finishers like it was a chinlock and he was Randy Orton, circa 2007. I stop feeling sorry for him and just go back to shaking my head vigorously.
Rampage Jackson, Tito Ortiz, King Mo Lawal - I can understand why TNA would want to sign over the hill wrestlers, but yeah, the washed up MMA d00dz can sit on a railroad spike.
JBL - MAGGLE, MAGGLE, AIN'T IT FUNNY HOW MRS. FANDANGO DANCES? MAGGLE? THE ALL-BLACKS! MAGGLE! WOMEN BE DOIN' THINGS THAT WOMEN DO! MAGGLE! MAGGLE! EVERYTHING'S TERRIBLE IN THE RING, LET'S TALK ABOUT PLAYING AS ME IN WWE 2-KAY-14!
Dixie Carter - I don't care if she's mildly compelling as a television character now. She's in Triple H territory. Speaking of which…
Triple H - I'm somewhat of a hypocrite, because even though I don't think I was ever vocally on the "wait and see" train, my whole tone of commentary during the post-SummerSlam WWE had a bit of hope to it. I thought Daniel Bryan would be built towards a solid, Survivor Series and WrestleMania story, even though WWE is terrible at following through on hot beginnings. All the while, I was waiting for Triple H to go plaid and make WWE all about him instead of waiting and seeing with his character. I am the worst. But Triple H has hurt me way too much, so I've earned it. I don't care what you think.
Jay Bradley - Figures that a generic looking dude with muscles whose biggest claim to fame before signing was clotheslining a woman after a match to the delight of sweaty assholes at National Pro Wrestling Day got the Gut Check nod to TNA over Brian Cage.
Aksana - I know hating on the Divas is just passé at this point, but every time Aksana makes a step forward, she takes, like a billion steps back. She's the emblem of WWE's problem with women right now. I know it's not her fault per se, but I still hate seeing her in the ring.
Alex Riley - I thought I'd be able to tolerate him better as a part of the broadcast team. He can't even do that right.
Joe Koff - You ever see Multiplicity, and they make the clone of the clone of Michael Keaton? Koff as an authority figure on screen is that clone of a clone.
Wes Brisco - Yay, nepotism!
Shingo Takagi - Still the worst of the Dragon Gate Japanese guys with his stupid hair and utter lack of coordination to go with his annoying in-ring style.
CJ Parker - A hippie, in 2013, played by someone who has no fucking idea what it would mean to be a hippie? WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA, GUYS.
Ethan Page - No, guys, I don't want to see the guy with the domestic violence gimmick get beaten by his opponent. I want to see him get thrown the fuck in jail. And having Seleziya Sparx be in on it the whole time wasn't a brilliant swerve, it was cheap storytelling. And no, he's not even that good in the ring to make up for it.
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| Just retire already, GAWD Photo Credit: Impact Wrestling.com |
/drinks turpentine
Mike Tenay - Sure guys, defend him because he knew the name of a fucking tope con hilo in 1997 while being part of the clown car that was WCW's commentary booth. It's cute.
Cheeseburger - I honestly shouldn't even put Cheeseburger on here, because really, it's not his fault that he's being asked to go out and sexually assault Maria Kanellis for the amusement of the people in the audience who think sexual assault is fucking hilarious. But then again, he is executing the angle, so yeah.
Kevin Kelly - Do you want to convey you're a cutting edge product? Then sure, the no-brainer hire for your play-by-play announcer is the guy Rock made fun of all the time during the Attitude Era.
Taz - The word "yambag" stopped being cool when Opie and Anthony got booted off the air in 2002.
Garrett Bischoff - See "Wes Brisco," but then realize that Bischoff didn't even have the benefit of extensive training in wrestling before being shuttled into a key role in TNA.
Chavo Guerrero - Of course TNA hired him. Of course.
Larry Dallas - Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's purpose?
Kurt Angle -I get the feeling ragging on Kurt Angle isn't so much worthy but sad at this point. You can tell he's playing out the string in TNA, pretending he's being loyal until he can jump ship to WWE and get paid enough to get decent healthcare and work a Shawn Michaels/Undertaker schedule. But then I realize he got to that state because he'd rather do drugs and kick out of finishers like it was a chinlock and he was Randy Orton, circa 2007. I stop feeling sorry for him and just go back to shaking my head vigorously.
Rampage Jackson, Tito Ortiz, King Mo Lawal - I can understand why TNA would want to sign over the hill wrestlers, but yeah, the washed up MMA d00dz can sit on a railroad spike.
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| FOREVER HATE U, HUNTER Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Dixie Carter - I don't care if she's mildly compelling as a television character now. She's in Triple H territory. Speaking of which…
Triple H - I'm somewhat of a hypocrite, because even though I don't think I was ever vocally on the "wait and see" train, my whole tone of commentary during the post-SummerSlam WWE had a bit of hope to it. I thought Daniel Bryan would be built towards a solid, Survivor Series and WrestleMania story, even though WWE is terrible at following through on hot beginnings. All the while, I was waiting for Triple H to go plaid and make WWE all about him instead of waiting and seeing with his character. I am the worst. But Triple H has hurt me way too much, so I've earned it. I don't care what you think.