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De los Archivos: GRAVES CONSECUENCIAS

November 2, 2015, 8:30 am
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Fenix pounced on Pentagón, Jr. and Drago here, but his finest moment came against Mil Muertes
Photo Credit: ElReyNetwork.com
Today marks the ending of Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, the Mexican festival of celebrating the family members who have passed from this mortal coil. The three-day feast combines Halloween, All Saints' Day, and All Souls' Day into one neat little package, and it features flowers, macabre art, and beautiful yet haunting costumes. While Lucha Underground didn't/couldn't wait until now to give its take on the holiday, it sure did pay the three-day festival homage. Mil Muertes vs. Fenix in GRAVE CONSEQUENCES wasn't only a strong contender for Match of the Year, it was, without question, the best casket match of all-time. And you can watch it for free, right here.

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Nikki Bella Taking Time Off

November 3, 2015, 5:30 am
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The unlikely ace of the Divas is out
Photo Credit: WWe.com
Last night on RAW, Brie Bella, Becky Lynch, Sasha Banks, and Paige all wrestled for the chance to take on Divas Champion Charlotte at Survivor Series. Notable by her absence in the match was Brie's sister Nikki, who has been for better or worse the face of WWE's female wrestlers since late last year. Her record-breaking Divas Championship reign was ended by Charlotte at Night of Champions, and she lost the rematch at Hell in a Cell. Still, the way WWE likes to beat dead horses, one would have figured she would have been the one in the four-way last night, not Brie. Well, Nikki had a reason for missing last night's RAW; she presumably got hurt.

She posted an update from what looks like a rehab facility on Twitter, but some have speculated she's taking time off in conjunction with her beau John Cena. To be fair, Bella has been reportedly battling nagging back injuries for a long time now. Either way, her hiatus is a huge blow to the women's division. Bella is either the best worker it has, or she's second to Sasha Banks right now. She was also the most effective heat magnet. Hopefully, RAW the last two weeks has not been an anomaly. The show feels like it's being better organized, which bodes well not just for the women but for everyone. But if it has been an anomaly, then losing Bella will hurt more than anyone is willing to let on.
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From the Archives: Xsiris vs. Marcellus King

November 3, 2015, 7:00 am
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Check out Xsiris against Marcellus King
Photo Credit: Slamfest Wrestling Photography
CWF Mid-Atlantic is putting on another show at the Mid-Atlantic Sportatorium in Gibsonville, NC this weekend. North Carolina wrestlers have broken out huge in the last couple of years. Whether it be Cedric Alexander, Andrew Everett, or Trevor Lee, fans are no strangers to Tobacco Road wrestling. But the guys who haven't left the Tar Heel State still have something to prove. You can check it out this Saturday in Gibsonville, or you can get a taste from the CWF-MA YouTube channel. The promotion puts up entire shows on its channel FOR FREE. If that ain't value, I don't know what is. Get a little taste of what you can find after the jump with this match between Xsiris and Marcellus King.

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Get Them Off the Bench

November 3, 2015, 8:30 am
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Axel wants off the bench; WWE should honor his request
Photo Credit: WWE.com
One of WWE's glaringest weaknesses right now is the variety of its week-to-week cards, or the lack thereof to be more specific. It's not unusual to see wrestlers slated to go against each other on pay-per-view wrestle two, three, even four times on free television before getting the nod on the Network. It has made RAW difficult to sit through, even during the good weeks, and it's been a problem for a long time. It's not like WWE has a small roster with limited matchups. The number of active wrestlers at a given time is pretty big, yet few make television each week. One wrestler at least is sick of "sitting on the bench" as he termed it:

Curtis Axel, at the very least, is a solid hand. He can have good to great matches with a number of opponents up and down the roster. Heath Slater bumps like a maniac and sells exquisitely; you don't think he might make folks look good week in and week out? Zack Ryder, Los Matadores, Adam Rose, Damien Sandow, Jack Swagger, all of them could be on television each week having different matches with different upper-card guys, getting reps, keeping the big PPV matches fresh. Of course, filling the role of the new jobber may not be what Axel meant for himself, but it would be something better than existing in purgatory. He could be on TV and in front of the crowd in important situations so that if and when he is ready to be pushed, he'd have a leg up.

The importance of variety and shaking up ways to tell stories are lost in WWE, and they can be re-found quite easily. All the company has to do is make use of its roster and find new and better ways to extend stories rather than spamming the same matches over and over again. It's a lot harder than it sounds for sure, but you have to start somewhere, right?
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The Wrestling Blog Is Changing

November 3, 2015, 8:00 pm
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This post has barely anything to do with Triple H, but here he is anyway
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In the last six-plus years, I have written a whole shitpile of words. I'm going to level with you all; sometimes, the writing of those words has interfered with my day job, with my family, with my overall well-being. I don't get paid for my words. In fact, for everything I've written over the years, for everything I've published, I have received a grand total of $25 for a sponsorship that lasted a month. The writers I have published here and I have done this as a passion project, a labor of love, a force for what I sincerely hope has been social good, and our output has rivaled the likes of some other sites that monetize their content. And if I may brag for a second, I feel like TWB has definitely ran circles around some sites where the writers are paid (or write for free to make money for the admins/editors/auteurs).

The truth is, I have prioritized this site over a lot of other things, but I've done so because I had the will, the inspiration, and the spark to do so. One could call it a lot of things, but it has helped keep me centered. But over the last year, the inspiration, will, spark, passion, whatever you want to call it has been disappearing. I don't know the exact reason. WWE's weekly product turning into a slog probably has something to do with it. But my own life is also changing. I have two kids now. Kids need a lot of attention. A lot. I'm also advancing in my day job to the point where I'm getting more responsibility. I'm not going to disclose salary or anything, but I'm just gonna say my shoot job has paid a lot more bills than TWB has.

So the first two paragraphs totally read like a farewell post, and that's definitely not the case. I'm still a writer. I've always been a writer, even when I didn't have a forum. But I've taken TWB in a direction that has had me writing stuff just to write stuff rather than writing when I had a tangible idea. I started writing news items; I am not a journalist. I latched onto the memes and the short little buzz pieces; I am not a content farmer. Yet, I feel as if TWB has become dominated by news and hashtag-content over the last year.

So I am going to take a step back. I'm not going to be shooting for six-seven posts a day, because that's an artificial limit, right? Besides, some of the best sites on the Web don't update that much. For example, Every Day Should Be Saturday updates maybe four times a day, and it has a bevy of talented writers who carry equal parts of the load. The site's founder, Spencer Hall, doesn't write every day for it; hell, he's passed the lion's share of the writing to Ryan Nanni, who, by the way, is goddamn fantastic. He and his staff have become famous not for quantity, but quality (and corgi pictures, but corgi pictures are quality), and it shows. If you even remotely like college football, you know to go to EDSBS. You aren't going to see a billion posts a month, but what you do see there, you will like (and if you don't, then I might glance at you sideways).

What I want for TWB is for you to come to the site and like what you read because I or my staff have written something worth reading. Now, I'm not throwing my writers under the bus; I really feel the best pieces on this site have come from Butch and Lacy and Scott writing about things they want to write about on a regular basis or the others coming out whenever they can doing their thing. And I feel like some pieces I've written have had that spark. But I found myself writing that "Get Them Off the Bench" piece earlier today, and after I saw it publish, I got disgusted with myself. Is this the fucking state of affairs that I'm reduced to pumping out three-paragraph snippets with barely any exposition stating something I've written about several times in the past with more sophistication? That's not me. That's below what I feel my personal standards are.

So if most of the stuff on TWB comes from other writers, then so be it, it's going to come from other writers. But I'm not going away completely. Aside from being the editor of the site, I will continue to come down from the mountain from time to time. If you're in the wrestling business and have sent me promotional materials? You're still getting your reviews. That's the part of the site that I refuse to give up, because it involves the most fun part for me, watching cool wrestling. In fact, I have a copy of the Scenic City Invitational sitting on my DVD case that I'm going to watch sooner rather than later. And you know you can count on continued Inspire Pro reviews as long as I keep getting those screeners. The TWB 100 will continue to be a passion project. I will continue to give you my favorite 100 matches each year. If a great social wrong is happening in wrestling, I will address it. I may not write every day. I will definitely write less. But hopefully, what I write will be better.

So that's where I'm at with TWB. Things are changing around here. Hopefully, you'll find it for the better. Once again, thank you for reading, thank you for supporting, and as always, Triple H sucks...

...even if he kinda doesn't suck anymore. God, 2001 me would totally kick the shit out of present-day me for the 180 I've taken on Trips.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 269

November 4, 2015, 8:00 am
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Austin talks guns this episode
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 269 (Nov. 3, 2015)
Run Time: 1:22:13
Guest: Lynn Thompson (3:15)

Summary: Austin recently drove to the Ventura, CA, headquarters of Cold Steel, a knife company, to talk with founder Lynn Thompson. They talked about Thompson’s personal background before getting into his business story: how he started, choosing steel and blade styles. Then they get into Thompson’s fitness and fighting regiment, his hunting history, walking stick collection and spear usage. After a break they do quicker hits on bows, books, big cats and the Cecil the Lion controversy, as well as his appreciation of the NRA and support of police dogs. After the interview, Austin talks about his new beer.

Quote of the week:“It’s a huge mental discipline. The thing I love about shooting is it drives all the stress from your everyday life and your work life out of your mind, because you cannot shoot well and think about anything else. It’s a huge effort of concentration.”

Why you should listen: Do you like shooting stuff? Or stabbing it? Or guys with weird life experiences who are self-made moguls in a somewhat obscure industry? Have we got a show for you…

Why you should skip it: Because this is an hour of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, global icon and national treasure, talking to some super confident knife maker/marital artist guy who has the courage to stare down an elephant with a spear because he happens to be holding an incredibly powerful firearm in his other hand, and has had the extensive training to know right where to shoot the elephant so he can escape tragedy. And so on.

Final thoughts: Thomspon is a fairly popular figure in his own world (calling him a cult hero seems to reductive), so for people in the Venn diagram intersection of the two men, this probably is a dream come true, even if they don’t actually learn much about either guy (the assumption is that for hardcore devotees of either, this is just a flyby). I’ll grant he’s a plenty interesting dude, even if you’re like me and not at all into the same type of activities. But given that we already know plenty about how much Austin likes a good knife and a fair hunt, well, this episode hardly rises to the level of essential. I’d rather hear this chat than one with a band or comic, as Austin seems more in his element as an interviewer, but I’m not going to suggest this is crucial for anybody.
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I'm Not Mad at You, I'm Just Disappointed

November 4, 2015, 11:00 am
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Nikki Bella doesn't need your shitty comments
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Yesterday, I did something I’m not sure if I should be ashamed of. I spend a lot of time – too much time – on Twitter, and someone retweeted a sexist comment about Nikki Bella into my feed; what the tweet said (and I am paraphrasing because the person deleted the tweet) that Bella spent a lot of time on her knees and that’s why she was allowed opportunities other women in the WWE don’t have.

Me being me, I basically called this person out, which is the part I’m not sure if I should be ashamed about because they’re a lot younger than me, although still an adult, and gave them some details about how women are ALREADY viewed in wrestling, up to and including being part of the audience, and how hard it is to not only be a female in wrestling but to be a fan as a woman, and… what I got back was someone calling me a bitch, this same person saying I MUST be Bella’s biggest fan, and – on my part – a whole lot of righteous indignation.

Your jokes about the sex lives of wrestlers, male or female, aren’t funny. Your comments about women being on their knees to get jobs aren’t funny. It may be hilarious to you and your Twitter friends, but to women who HAVE been called sluts at shows – I see you, girl it never happened to! I see you denying it happens, but as I said yesterday, I’ve never been stabbed and I am assured it happens on the daily, almost! – and to women who have rapey comments about being double-teamed and pictures of their asses and tits posted on social media by dudes who seem to go to shows just for that purpose, it’s not funny.

People should be allowed to enjoy wrestling. I don’t want to ever see anyone excluded based on orientation, age, gender, who they like, who they don’t like, their ethnic and racial makeup, nothing. I’m not going to make sexist jokes about how women in wrestling get their jobs because I don’t want anyone to do it to me or to the women I love and consider friends. I won’t mock you based on who you choose to defend. I won’t treat you like a second class citizen because you like someone I don’t. This is not my possession. Wrestling is meant to be shared and enjoyed, albeit with a healthy dose of skepticism because it does have its fair share of chicanery occurring, and I am not here to keep anyone from loving it as much as I do.

What I AM here to do is make sure you know that when you make your snarky little comments about women in wrestling, when you post something negative about a wrestler’s sex life because you don’t like that wrestler, when you go out of your way to be insulting and negative, that people see it and will call you on it. People will hold you responsible for the attitude the community, the fanbase, projects. People like me WILL lecture you about being a jerk because to you it was 140 characters to get hearts and retweets, but to someone else it’s a hateful hurtful bit of speculation that happens all the time in much less public venues.

I am not going to tell you you’re a bad fan, but I will do my best to be as unpreachy as possible when telling you why your comments and your dick-sucking jokes aren’t funny. Maybe that makes me a bad fan. I don’t know. Maybe some folks can’t enjoy wrestling without being sexist and horrible about it. But I would much rather be that kind of bad fan than the ones who make it impossible for someone to be comfortable at a show, or to enjoy wrestling as much as I do.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: We Watch Wrestling, Ep. 114

November 5, 2015, 7:00 am
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Cesaro is a topic of conversation on this week's WWW
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: We listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in our regular rotations that we feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If we can save other folks some time, we're happy to do so.

Show: We Watch Wrestling
Episode: 114
Run Time: 1:20:30

Rundown: We Watch Wrestling is hosted by Matt McCarthy, Vince Averill and Tom Sibley. Matt is a comedian who wrote for WWE from 2011 to 2012. Vince is a comedian who knows pro wrestling inside and out. Tom is a comedian and a complete newbie, having just started watching wrestling in 2013. The show is a weekly roundtable in which they discuss pro wrestling of past and present. Topics flow in and out, their personal lives are sometimes mentioned, and many Vince McMahon impressions are uttered.

Episode Summary: Tom is actually not here for this episode, so this leaves us with the two-man crew of Matt and Vince. They hit the highlights of this week's RAW, namely their excitement over Jack Swagger making an appearance. Matt says Swagger is a perfect example of the type of guy repeatedly made to look stupid by WWE, only to be later evaluated as worthless when none of his worthlessness was his fault. Matt and Vince also speculate on possible partners for Undertaker and Kane at Survivor Series. Matt then brings up a recent match from Dragon Gate featuring Shingo Takagi and Masaaki Mochizuki, which has garnered much Match of the Year discussion. Matt bemoans the inevitable letdown when watching a match that has gotten too much hype. Vince mentions that the Young Bucks recently signed a deal with Ring of Honor but will still be performing with PWG. This helps our hosts, as they live in Los Angeles and regularly attend Pro Wrestling Guerrilla shows. The bulk of the rest of the episode is devoted to everything NXT is doing right, such as having jobber matches where the jobbers don't feel like losers as much as they are just young and full of promise.

Quote of the Week: Vince, discussing Cesaro: "It is so clear to me that he has said, 'Fuck it. What can they do to me?' So he's just going out there, he seems loose, he's fucking around, he's trying shit. I love the attitude he's got going on right now."

Why you should listen: We Watch Wrestling is my current favorite wrestling podcast. It's an engaging listen every week, anchored by three comedians who can do impressions, can make insane logical connections, and can find the funny in every aspect of pro wrestling. This week is no exception. The guys have taken to referring to Braun Strowman as "Beef Stroganoff," and they give him a goofy, lisping monster voice. They love doing Vince McMahon impressions in which Vince is constantly asking "Where's Raaaaandy?" In light of Orton's shoulder injury caused by a household chore, this week Matt's Vince voice is expecting Randy to come back in the house from taking out the garbage. It's wonderful. I also appreciate their continued discussion of the WWE Network's "Table For 3" series. This week they propose that the show institute a "DDP Trap Door," where the most useless guest of each episode can just get dropped down a chute before they start taking over the proceedings.

Why you should skip it: I'm bummed that the first episode I picked to review is the first one in forever missing Tom Sibley. Tom is a permanently wide-eyed presence on the show, still asking questions that generate good discussion, and always contributing hilarious insight (sample line: "I bet Hornswoggle sleeps with a gun in his mouth."). So if I have to be honest, if you've never heard We Watch Wrestling, maybe hit up the episode right before this one.

Final Thoughts: In this show alone, the guys discuss WWE, NXT, PWG, ROH, Evolve, and Dragon Gate. That should show you the wide breadth of wrestling knowledge you'll find every time you listen to We Watch Wrestling.
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Best Coast Bias: Sudden But Inevitable

November 5, 2015, 9:00 am
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The other shoe dropping directly onto the Champ's back
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Not to get overly Baylessian, but...you know what?  Forget that.  LET'S.

Let's just have the hottest of all possible hot takes as a result of NXT's first November offering and get it all out in the open for consideration:

The Dusty Classic Cup is cursed.  CURSED!

It didn't even take a month for the tournament to be over for Samoa Joe to lay out his presumed friend Finn Bálor!  How is this supposed to be a--okay, okay, all right.  We all knew it was coming, one of those "not if but when" things that sometimes come as a result of logical storytelling and not trying to be eighteen fire emojis in a trenchcoat pretending to be a human being every single show.   At least Joe had the kindness to look conflicted about it while he was doing it, yelling "I did this to you!" aside right before culminating in a Muscle Buster and a laid out Big X on top of a laid out Champion.

After all, this was the night of Apollo Crews getting his shot at the Real Rock N Rolla for the NXT Championship.  They could give the erstwhile challenger some new foggy pyro, they could kill the lights at Full Sail sans one spotlight over mid-ring while Greg Chrisley did the pre-match intros, and you could have two of the best in the world and not just on the roster set to throw hands in a three-segger going over 15 minutes, but it had to end with some shenanigans.  At least on the way there we got the excellent pro graps that we were expecting, not exactly a game of "Who Can Top This?" but more of a cousin in that family, "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Just As Well Thank You Very Much)" from chain wrestling to Okada-level dropkicks to crazy kicks that laid both men out and set up the end game--Baron Corbin, NXT's own disrespectful Urethra Franklin, out to beat up Apollo for taking the shot he was so close to. 

Joe came out, at least initially for the save, but the moment you saw him thinking about it you had the feeling it was going to be done (feelings generally being the messy detritus that come out of thoughts), and so it was.  There's always been a beast inside Joe: it's why his music has that Godzilla lead-in, how he helped make his name on the indies and "the indies" (Orlando variant) over the 21st century and why Full Sail generally loved him until he laid out their Champion on this Wednesday night.  This also helped to serve the duel purpose of possibly setting up Crews/Corbin as well as Joe/Bálor for the Big X for next month's UK edition of Takeover, but those are merely suppositions in search of confirmations.

Speaking of suppositions, Cameron might think she needs one after Asuka got done kicking her ass in the opener.  Apparently Emma -- even as unafraid as she claims to be -- is the only diva on the post- Revolution roster to learn something akin to not jerking on Kal-El's wrap or expectorating into a non-Tyler Breeze: don't disrespect Asuka.  Don't ever disrespect Asuka.  To paraphrase a former brilliant World Champion, if she charges for air, you keep your bill paid. Cameron tried a cheapshot kick off a referee distraction, got caught and begged off.  Remarkably, Asuka let her foot down easily.  Cameron then tried to slap her, bringing a line from UHF to mind, but Asuka had countered the slap with a rolling cross arm-breaker and despite a few brief flashes of daylight from the Total Diva when it came time for Asuka to get her pound of flesh she took it out in urakens and kicks before procuring her now signature crossface chickenwing.  Again, NXT Women: have you tried shaking her hand?  Has it occurred to you that losing is optional but dying isn't mandatory if you just adhere to the Code of Honor?  Hell, maybe you should try hitting her really hard; she almost seems to get off on that sort of thing.

The rest of the show was little blips and blurbs making tentative steps for a future: the aforementioned Emma interview proclaiming she ain't afraid of no joshis with the DanaBot backing her up, Bayley enlisting the Hype Bros. to go against BAMF next week, as well as both Not The Mechanics and the Vaudevillians trading barbs before their title match next week while JJABLE invited the Ascension back down Florida way so they could prove they are The World's Greatest Tag Team That Can't Be Called That Due To Legal Copyright (name pending).  It's a nice subtle touch to focus on tags in a couple different variants the week after nothing but singles matches, including the latest Eva Marie victory with cringeworthy offense and the implosion of Angelo Dawkins and Sawyer Fulton after the former lost to the White Kamala Bull Dempsey.

But Dempsey wasn't the big man that this show was about, obviously.  It was about the last two men standing in terms of the show, former rivals on the last two Takeovers to boot who've decided to do just that for themselves: a Lone Wolf out to continue his perceived standing as the immovable force in front of all the indie emigre fan favorites, and an angry Samoan hoping to be a force so irresistible that 10 pounds of gold will attract to his waist before 2015's out, former best friend or not.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 145

November 5, 2015, 11:00 am
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How hype would you be at the baseball game if you heard Sasha Banks' theme between frames in the seventh?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

I'd say "Real American," but with Hulk Hogan's national disgrace and his lack of sending you a raft, I will pass. My second choice would be the Dubstep Cowboys' theme, but epileptics wouldn't be able to come to the ballpark. So, the final choice would then be Sasha Banks' theme song, because wouldn't that get you pumped up in the late innings?

Well, the Queen of Strong Style certainly ain't coming from New Japan Pro Wrestling, since that company only books a woman if she's attached to one of them gaijin (note, this is no shot at Amber O'Neil-Gallows or Maria Kanellis; they're fine performers). HEAVY SHOT FIRED ACROSS BUSHIROAD'S BOW. Anyway, anyone who throws a stiff forearm/elbow like that certainly can lay claim to the throne as much as she wants. Slay Queen Bella, slay.

Lately they've been good, but yeah, building a legacy on those older matches, woof, especially since many of them crammed together a lot of the bullshit finishes that were peppered throughout early pay-per-view cards. You'd have a double disqualification, a weak countout, and some distraction bullshit all on the same match. Some of that blueprint was translated onto later shows, but even those finishes were jazzed up. Survivor Series' history is checkered, from its beginning as the last nail the coffin of the territories through the shitty matches up to the Montreal Screwjob, isn't it?

All the visible ones in the night sky and then some.

WWE has been skewing towards longer reigns for all its titles. When was the last really short reign? Seth Rollins' United States Championship run? Charlotte's gonna hold the belt for a bit, and I can see her having defenses at every special event and then some. Assuming she drops the belt at WrestleMania to Sasha Banks, she'll have accumulated at least five if not more defenses. Then Banks picks up with three more defenses before the anniversary on PPV and some odd title defenses on RAW. If I go on the more liberal side with title defenses, then the combined number of title matches had by Horsewomen as Champion should be around 12, which given the state of things in WWE ain't that bad.

The big money is Seth Rollins chasing Kevin Owens for the Championship. Rollins as a heel has been an unmitigated critical disaster from my point of view, but I think he'll shine as a babyface. Owens should never be a good guy in WWE unless he's teaming with Sami Zayn in random Steenerico WWE rehashes. It won't happen soon, because Owens has other battles to fight going into Mania season, and Rollins may have gotten really hurt last night in Dublin. But when it does happen, it'll be pretty sweet.

Honestly, I feel good about the Eagles' chances on Sunday. But WWE has also delivered the last two years at WrestleMania. Even if the Birds do win, I see more than a few dropped passes from the team's stonehanded receiving corps, so I'm gonna go with the football team.

The easiest answer is that a non-traditional Survivor Series match involves any contest that isn't four-on-four or five-on-five. That Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins title match upcoming? Total non-traditional Survivor Series match. Montreal Screwjob? Non-traditional match all the way. That time Daniel Bryan and the invisible silhouette that vaguely resembles UFC fighter Phil Brooks took on the Wyatt Family? Nothing traditional about that, brother.

Right now, the playoffs would include Clemson, Ohio State, LSU, and Alabama. If I told you that 'Bama felt like the safest play to make it, would you believe me? Of course you would, because Alabama is evil and Nick Saban always wins no matter how much you don't want him to. Past history suggests Clemson will indeed, ahem, Clemson its way out of a playoff spot. I don't think the SEC places two teams in the playoff this year, and as much as I want to put LSU in there as the Champs, Bama's struggles have been against spread teams. LSU is more a traditional offense, although Leonard Fournette is hard to bet against. I also believe that Michigan State has a rabbit's foot lodged wholly up its ass. You need luck to win, and Sparty seems to have it in spades. Stanford/Notre Dame feels like a play-in game right now, and I think the Cardinal has the edge. Finally, someone from that wacky-ass Big XII is gonna make it, and with Trevone Boykin playing out of his goddamn mind, I'm going with Texas Christian. So, in easy-to-digest list form...

  1. Texas Christian
  2. Alabama
  3. Stanford
  4. Michigan State

Demand? My my, folks are getting pushy over here. Anyway... how about this five-on-five match. On one side of the ring: Hulk Hogan, John Cena, Eddie Guerrero, Roman Reigns, and Bret Hart. On the other: Randy Orton, Randy Savage, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and The Rock. It would be the most loaded match in the history of WWE.

If you want straight news, go with @WrestleChat. It's an aggregator site that posts all its articles to Twitter. If you want news with a side of BANTER, then you should probably follow @TheFrayMovement, who asked the second question in this TweetBag.

Seriously, Vince McMahon can't make money with this guy? I call bullshit.

Remember the episode of Family Guy, y'know, back in the first or second season when it was actually problematic yet funny instead of now when it's just problematic, when Stewie built a mind-control device to make his older, duller brother Chris into an automaton to do his bidding? Put Damien Sandow in the Stewie role and Jack Swagger in the Chris role, and boom, instant tag team.

I don't think the toilet was a misdirect, and I do believe the beloved fecal demon Kobald is on his way back. But in case he's not, then the fourth man on his way back will be none other than the man, the myth, the tattoo artist... CROSSBONES. He's got close ties to UltraMantis Black, is supernatural in nature, and could very well have been sucked into a toilet. I hear Easton's plumbing situation is pretty sketchy. Or not. I don't know.

In a just world, the showrunners would recognize that Chikara has dedicated season 15 of its wrestling life to their fair television show, and I can't think of any better guest star for any television program than UltraMantis Black. Why? Why not!

(Now time to admit my secret shame; I've never watched one single episode of Arrested Development so I may not know who fits the oeuvre best.)
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art Of Wrestling Ep. 275

November 6, 2015, 8:30 am
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Melissa is interviewed this week on AOW
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Art Of Wrestling
Episode: 275 (Nov. 4, 2015)
Run Time: 1:12:08
Guest: Chris Hero (1:42); Cheerleader Melissa (16:34)

Summary: Colt Cabana is still touring Japan, so the open again involves Hero. The tag partners talk about shows loaded with fake versions of wrestling icons and requests they hear about how to get into wrestling. In the main conversation with Melissa, the veteran discusses the struggles of being a woman in professional and amateur wrestling before looking back to her days as an aspiring pro, why she emulated Rick Martel, the importance of discovering SHIMMER, her time in Los Angeles and the influence of her father and uncle, both also pro wrestlers. She explains the development of the cheerleader character, stresses the importance of working in Japan and joins Cabana in recalling shows in unusual circumstances and considering how they are affected by deaths of different wrestling personalities.

Quote of the week:“Cheerleader Melissa is a character that came up kind of on its own. It’s definitely not a character I would have chosen. I was not a cheerleader in high school, I hate those bitches, I hate ’em all. I hate all of you. Like, I was not that. I was not that girl at all. … Dude, the irony. The irony. And you know it’s so funny, because sometimes when I come out, my persona, and like the bitchy attitude or whatever, I’m really making fun of those bitches that I hate that made my life a living hell in high school. Fuck you. You know, it’s almost a character that backfired on me for the positive.”

Why you should listen: It might have been spoiled with the quote, but the brief bit where Melissa and Cabana examine the idea of performing heel characters by playing to the extreme the personality traits of people they dislike easily merits a rich discussion, and there’s none better to cover that ground than veteran performers who have to work in front of a wide variety of crowds. Melissa also has good stories about her father’s influence over gender equality in her training. All that said, perhaps the most illuminating was Melissa’s memories of being a high school wrestler.

Why you should skip it: The good stuff is great, but by a percentage of time spent talking, it represents a minority portion of the overall chat. Cabana is fairly inoffensive here (he’s always somewhat ham-handed when interviewing a woman because he just can’t seem to treat it like any other episode), but again this is an instance of his weakness as an interviewer surfacing when he simply spends too much time allowing the guest to talk about mundane aspects of her life and career.

Final thoughts: Your feelings on this episode will probably be shaped either by your general nature (optimist vs. pessimist) or your calibrated expectations of a Cabana interview. There’s very little depth here, and if you don’t come looking for any you won’t be let down. It’s a quite enjoyable chat and bless Cabana for giving equal time to a performer with little name recognition compared to most of the rest of his guest list (you’ll never hear Cheerleader Melissa on the Steve Austin Show), but as entertaining as the talk might be, it’s also another reminder that while Cabana might emulate Marc Maron’s big-picture style, he utilizes a much different interview approach.
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Dispatches from the Lake: Hope Springs Eternal

November 6, 2015, 11:30 am
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This scene may be inevitable, but it should be arrived at in an interesting manner
Photo Credit: WWE.com
John Cena is taking time off. Randy Orton is out until after WrestleMania. Rusev is out with injuries. Daniel Bryan will never again darken a WWE ring. Now Seth Rollins is out for 6 to 9 months and must vacate the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. The company will be holding a tournament at Survivor Series to decide the new Champion. Bad luck? Definitely.

The road ahead seems to point towards the towering obelisk of ROMAN REIGNS as champ, and that’s fine. Weird, right? You’d think I would be all pissy about that. I say just get that eventuality over with sooner rather than later. WWE is going to do it anyway. Rip that bandage right off.

What interests me is the tournament that they will be holding to determine the champ. The last two RAW episodes have shown that whoever is running things backstage has an idea of how to put on an interesting show with exciting wrestling. Has it all been perfect? Of course not, but it shows that WWE is capable of holding my attention for a full three hours. The large swath of shows just chased me back to the loving arms of Steven Universe and Gravity Falls, where gems and a maniacal pyramid demon have more characterization than 99% of the WWE main roster.

A tournament holds all the promise in the world to re-charge the WWE. You’re probably reading that statement and wondering how drunk I am for thinking it. Stick with me here.

There is an opportunity here to build simple but meaningful stories, with wrestlers both in the tournament and those left out. You can play around with wrestlers being pissed they didn’t get into the tournament. Have them feud with one that did get in. Say two beloved wrestlers end of in a match together. You could go the mutual respect route or have one of them give in to hate to win. And that’s just the few things I can come up with while ignoring this conference call I’m supposed to be listening to.

Nothing WWE has done on the main roster this year fuels this hope I have, but it’s hard not to see such a perfect moment in time, a flashpoint, if you will, and hope for the future. Something needs to happen to shake things up in WWE, and they have a pretty big arena to fill on April 3. Now is the time to start building stories for that event. Make some new guys while the old fall backs of Cena and Orton are away. Give people a reason to make the journey down to Texas instead of just ‘It’s WrestleMania’. And even if they go the super obvious route of final crowning Reigns, WWE can still give the Cesaros of the roster something entertaining to do. Go for broke at Survivor Series. Just start throwing this at the wall and see what sticks. Use the people who are already sticking to the wall, but being ignored. Give people a reason to start talking about your product again!

Hope can be a dangerous thing, though. It leads to lots of disappointment. Trust me, I know. I’m a Cubs fan. I'm probably the wrong person to be asking though. I just need something to distract from my beer soaked ‘W’ towel and broken dreams.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 270

November 9, 2015, 7:00 am
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Part two of the Bagwell interview is here
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show — Unleashed!
Episode: 270 (Nov. 5, 2015)
Run Time: 1:10:42
Guest: Marcus “Buff” Bagwell, part two (5:05)

Summary: It’s part two of Austin’s sitdown interview with his former colleague. Bagwell talks about the distinction between himself and “Buff,” his upcoming shoulder surgery, the importance and difficulty of getting off of pain medication. He talks at length about the famous injury he suffered in a match with the Steiner Brothers and how sleep apnea affected his addiction and attempts at rehab. That leads to discussion of his connection to Lex Luger, through bodybuilding and drugs, as well as the influence of the notorious Dr. Astin, the death of a close friend and the car accident that set him on the road to permanent recovery. To wrap up, Bagwell hit on the influence of his wife, his current wrestling work and his career plans.

Quote of the week:“I started getting DUIs. And I started, like, I would have the amount of Somas I used to take, I could take those one day and be fine, and the next day I’d fall in my food. On the exact same amount of Somas. So I couldn’t control no more. In rehab, they call that the invisible line. I had crossed the invisible line, to where it wasn’t fun to party no more. It was mandatory. I was now hooked to where I was having to take pills to function, to keep going, to keep moving, but I was already doing that already with sleep apnea. So I literally have already gone to five rehabs in my life, but I’ve only gone to one with my sleep machine, and after that I came home completely off drugs and doing the best I’ve ever done in my life, which is now.

Why you should listen: Did you dig part one of this chat? This here is a worthy complement. Bagwell actually makes some decent point about the way sleep apnea affects a body, and the extra complications it brings an addict. His explanations of the complexities of trying to keep in shape while abusing drugs, as well as the mechanics of trying to function in society, are as interesting as they are eye-opening.

Why you should skip it: If you’re planning to watch Bagwell’s documentary, you probably can take a pass on the podcast. Austin by no means presses Bagwell on anything, which means you’re getting just about as much unfiltered opinion/recollection as you would in a Bagwell-produced shoot video.

Final thoughts: If you listen to enough wrestler interviews, you start to be able to slot them into categories. This episode falls squarely in the “former addict” heading. But compared to Austin’s Del Wilkes interview, Bagwell is a much more compelling subject. Even so, part one of the interview is probably superior, given you could probably guess how most of this one goes. Certainly I’d say you have to listen to part one before part two, because in the first half Bagwell offers essential context for how he views his own personality and lot in life — such that it makes some of his remarks and tone in part two at least understandable, if not fully accepted.
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A Step in the Right Direction

November 9, 2015, 9:00 am
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Daniel Bryan comes to my city!!! YES!!
That is Daniel Bryan in New Delhi sitting in what we call here an "auto rickshaw". It is almost the first time in months that anything WWE related made me break into a big smile. The WWE is putting on a live event in India for the first time in almost 13 years on January 15, 2016. To heat things up, a John Cena appearance has already been officially announced. 

If you are thinking that India might not be a very lucrative market for the E, I got two words..err...videos for you. 



Oh they might know John Cena, everybody knows John Cena but they won't care about mid carders...umm..... wait a minute here. 



Nobody told me that Ryback was over like a beaver here!!! Hey, we are a nation of marks. Absolute marks. The fans cheer the good guys and boo the bad guys.  

Cena will probably bring the house down, and so will Roman Reigns. Big Show will go over huge. And if the E wanted to cause a mini earthquake they could easily do so by giving India old favorites like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin or The Rock. If you think that he gets a big reaction in the US, oh well, you got another thing coming. Considering the number of people that are fans, and the huge population of this country (16 million people in New Delhi alone!!) (insert sad smiley here) having live shows and promoting the overall product like the Network would be very beneficial to the WWE. For some reason, however, this company likes to leave money on the table. In so many ways.  

Firstly, what about access to the Network? Unless you fancy staying off Facebook or Twitter for two days, results will always get spoiled for you here. Granted, most of the time its pretty easy to predict what is going to go down, but I can't remember the last time I watched a match without knowing the result before hand and that has spoiled things like the WrestleMania main event this year..or for that matter the Money in the Bank 2011 main event. Seriously, I could not guess the result of that match and wanted to be shocked and awed but that becomes a little difficult in this day and age. Again, the time difference makes it difficult but there are a lot of fans willing to see the event in real time, at the very least Wrestlemania and the Royal Rumble. 

Secondly, while I can't comment on the economics of it all, I think the tickets are way over priced. The event could attract a lot more interest but most people would be loth to spend the amount that they are asking for. For instance, for the amount of the ring side seat ticket I could go for a Thailand trip and splurge on food and booze for a weekend and come back in Air Asia economy class, okay? A lot of the fans are just not having the kind of money the WWE is charging. At the end of the day, the more the merrier. WWE should want to get more fans to see the show and convert them into lifers who will eventually buy some merchandise down the road and even subscribe to the network. Pissing people off with pricy tickets helps no one.      

Thirdly, what about the women?!! Does the WWE think Sasha Banks, Paige and Becky Lynch can't convince the fence sitters and the no-can-doers?? Only Cena, Dean Ambrose, Sheamus and a couple of others have been announced till now before the sale of tickets. Not cool man, not cool. I personally know that I would consider my ticket worth the price of admission if they had advertised The Boss.  

Here's to hoping that there ain't another 15 year gap after this show.    
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The Happily Accidental Foundation of Professional Wrestling

November 10, 2015, 12:00 pm
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A gilded Reigns may be the best path right now and it wouldn't have been needed without Rollins going out
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Seth Rollins' knee injury, suffered last week at a house show in Dublin, is unfortunate for several reasons. Of course, a man's health is paramount, and the fact that Rollins has to deal with shredded knee ligaments for half-to-three-quarters-of-a-year is the most awful thing to arise out of this. As the consequences trickle downstream, the one that affects the WWE's ever-changing and tenuous narrative the most has to do with the plans surrounding the now-former Champion. "Plans change" is the mantra of the dirtsheets, but regardless of what their reports have stated about Rollins' future, it's clear that he wasn't meant to drop the title right now. Whether he was really going to lose to Roman Reigns at Survivor Series or keep the belt into WrestleMania or even take the strap all the way past the 435 day mark to spite Philip Brooks, UFC Superstar, he still had time left on the clock.

Things in wrestling rarely ever go the way that the people in charge plan them to, however. The most feelgood moment of the last decade, Daniel Bryan triumphing at WrestleMania XXX, only happened because CM Punk got sick and tired of management jerking him around. Austin 3:16 was almost the coronation of the Connecticut Blue Blood, Hunter Hearst Helmsley; in essence Steve Austin benefited because Vince McMahon needed someone to punish for that kayfabe-breaking embrace at the Madison Square Garden house show (and it sure as fuck wasn't going to be Shawn Michaels). Hulkamania only happened because Verne Gagne didn't know what he had with the statuesque, bleached-blond mammoth he had on his roster and let him go to the then-WWF. Wrestling is built on plans-B and accidents forcing the hands of promoters and bookers. Rarely do things go to plan, and sometimes, even when they do, the results are lackluster, like when Hulk Hogan passed the torch to the Ultimate Warrior, who ultimately fumbled it and helped set the wrestling world on fire in a bad way.

Rollins' torn anterior cruciate ligament is certainly a crossroads, but the company is in a great position to extract the silver linings from out of those clouds. The talent level of wrestlers at or near the main event is insane, hands ready to grab the ball and run with it. Roman Reigns is in a far better spot than he was at this time last year (mainly because right now, his guts are held in place where they're supposed to be). Dean Ambrose just needs a reason to be relevant, and he can and will light the world on fire (in a good way). Kevin Owens going to the main event might be premature from a story standpoint, but that guy can totally take on anything that the writers and McMahon throw at him. Alberto del Rio... well, outside of the ring, he's phoning it in right now, but if I were given that material and being paid that much money, I might sleepwalk until I got to the ring too. In addition to the players being in place, the circumstances are nearly limitless. Even the most likely scenario of Reigns turning his back on the fans he's earned to replace Rollins in The Authority seems juicy, and as long as he's not called upon to talk for 20 minutes at show open like his assumed predecessor did, he'd be an improvement.

The dirty secret is that with Rollins on top, WWE has been slogging along. To pin it all on the now-injured wrestler is admittedly disingenuous, because Rollins clearly isn't writing the stories, and he's probably not able to ad-lib his own material. He's also gotten a lot of credit for playing the role of boss heel so well, but how well has he really been doing? Do his slogging, nasal, rambling promos really inspire heat, or are they sleep aids? His matches have gotten high marks from a smattering of critics, but objectively, he still wrestles like a babyface pandering for pops with big dives. His turn and title reign seemed artificial, like Triple H's initial run in 2000. Granted, I am not happy in the least that Rollins had to tear his ACL in order for his run to end. Rooting for injuries in most cases1 is really fucking gross.

At the same time, a change in paradigm could do WWE good right now, whether or not that change had to come about because of a horrific injury or not. The company has the raw roster to make the change happen. It has the circumstances. When Rollins gets back, he'll be better off as well, settling into the babyface role he was born to play. WWE could (key word, could) use this as a leaping point, one that it never knew it could have had because of the grotesque circumstances from which it sprung forth. But it would definitely fit in with the lineage of some of the biggest developments in the history of the industry. Wrestling sometimes needs accidents to happen and for plans to change abruptly in order to move towards the best possible endpoints.

1 - I would make the exception for human pile of waste Greg Hardy or others of his ilk.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 271

November 11, 2015, 8:00 am
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Austin talks to the voice of World Class this episode
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 271 (Nov. 10, 2015)
Run Time: 1:35:32
Guest: Marc Lowrance (17:38)

Summary: During a recent stay in the Dallas area, Austin recorded a sit-down interview with Lowrance, once one of the voices of Word Class Championship Wrestling and now a Methodist minister. The chat covers his personal background and how he got involved with Fritz von Erich and WCCW while still a student at Texas Christian University. Lowrance talks about the influence of Gary Hart and Bill Mercer, discusses production values, earnings and the varied roles he played, as well as how he interacted with the public. The guys reminisce about the Sportatorium, the Freebirds and the tragedy of the von Erich family, and Lowrance shares memories of Gino Hernandez, Bruiser Brody, Bronko Lubich and Skandor Akbar. He explains the adrenaline of working amongst a hot crowd, the negative influence of Jerry Jarrett on his announcing career, his transfer into full-time ministry and his personal life today.

Quote of the week:“To hear his struggle with cocaine … all that stuff made me so regret that I did not take advantage of the chance to develop that rapport. But that may be arrogant on my part. I may not have made any difference at all in helping Gino come to terms or peace with who he was. And I may have protected myself from something, you just never know. But I always regretted that I didn’t get to know Gino better.”

Why you should listen: At just 56 years old, and completely satisfied with his life after wrestling, Lowrance is an excellent historian of a spectacular time in wrestling history. Not too close to the wrestlers to have much more than affection, not so involved in production as to be bitter about his departure, he’s a level-headed talker (who also isn’t starstruck by Austin) who brings to life a lot of names gone far too soon. Further, he not only understands the way an unlikely career in wrestling changed him personally and professionally, but can put those feelings into coherent words and phrases.

Why you should skip it: Anyone full up on WCCW nostalgia can take a pass. I haven’t seen the Heroes of World Class DVD, but it’s hard to imagine that not covering substantially the same ground as this chat, outside perhaps of Lowrance’s personal biography. There are some sordid details herein (most relating to the Von Erichs), and the frank way in which Lowrance discusses them — despite pretty much everything being common knowledge — could be off-putting to some. And while very, very little attention is paid to Lowrance’s work as a minister, and he hardly comes off as devout or preachy, the faith aspect is always going to be a red flag in some circles.

Final thoughts: For as much of a wrestling fan as I claim to be, going all the way back to roughly 1987, I admit I’d never before heard of Marc Lowrance. I consider that pretty embarrassing, and I am grateful to Austin for making the introduction. On balance, this is one of Austin’s better episodes. As much as I enjoyed learning about Lowrance, my favorite part might have been listening to Austin ask questions with a mix of curiosity and boyhood fandom that underscores why he remains such an iconic figure years after his retirement.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: The Taz Show, Nov. 11

November 12, 2015, 8:00 am
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Taz's show is on the docket this week
Photo Credit: @OfficialTAZ
If you're new, here's the rundown; we listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week - too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in our regular rotation that we feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If we can save other folks some time, we're happy to do so.

Show: The Taz Show
Episode: 11/11/15
Run Time: 1:52:26
Guest: None

Summary: It's Wednesday, so apparently on The Taz Show that means it's time for Hump Day Promos! Fans of the show film a video of themselves doing a promo, Taz plays it on his live-streaming web show/podcast, then he and his co-host Brian review and rate each promo. Taz picks a winner every week and sends them one of his classic "Orange 13" shirts. This week's directive was for listeners to do their promos about people who accuse pro wrestling of being fake. In addition to this contest, today's episode finds Taz taking calls from listeners, telling a couple stories about working with Vince McMahon, and clearing up some "controversy" from yesterday's episode when he said that the Manchester crowd for Monday's episode of RAW didn't come through well on the broadcast.

Why you should listen: Taz is a veteran of the wrestling business, and he knows what's good and what isn't. He shows some of this in his reviews of the fan-submitted promos. Taz also does an excellent job of keeping up the energy level over a two-hour live broadcast. He moves a mile a minute the entire time. He also treats his listeners with kindness and patience, especially when they call up basically just to talk to a famous wrestler.

Why you should skip it: The Hump Day Promos thing is a good idea in theory. When executed, it results in total embarrassment and douche-chills galore. One guy completely rips off a Dean Ambrose promo verbatim, and neither Taz or Brian even notice. A guy going by the name "Fishman" yells about wrestling while a Metallica song plays in the background of his bedroom. Another guy does a terrible Russian accent and inserts dumb sound effects. Rather than do the reasonable thing and respond to every promo with, "Wow, that completely sucked," Taz has backed himself into a corner where he can't really be mean to his listeners, and instead has to do a serious critique of some total nerd living out his sad dream of being a pro wrestler. As nice of an olive branch as this is to extend to his fans, it is not something that should be listened to by a single living human being. On top of all this, taking listener phone calls is almost never a good idea, and that is proven on today's episode, when none of Taz's callers have anything interesting or funny to say.

Final Thoughts: After looking at the summaries of other episodes of The Taz Show, it's likely that I just picked the absolute worst episode with which to start. I assume when Taz is talking about NXT and ROH, he is listenable and can provide meaningful insight. But even with a more interesting topic, The Taz Show feels too much like Middle America morning radio, with irritating soundboard clips and a co-host who couldn't even buy a personality if he had the money. Perhaps I'll try again in the future, but if I do, I'm avoiding Hump Day Promos like the plague.
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Best Coast Bias: Eyes On The Prize(s)

November 12, 2015, 10:00 am
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Maybe not the Mechanics, but definitely the new champs
Photo Credit: WWE.com
All right, okay, yes: a large part of the appeal of professional wrestling is the funhouse mirror reflecting society that it puts on display on a weekly basis mixed in with the endless serial nature of a soap opera. But in explaining his newly-found heelish actions in the final segment of the program, Samoa Joe said that his newfound worldview rotated around two things (the choices people make and the actions they take to back them up, more about which imminently); when it's at its best, pro graps tells stories about two things that answer the "Why do you bother watching this stuff?".

Those two things, of course, are titles and hatred, and despite the main roster having a largely dismissable "Network special" called Night of Champions down Full Sail way on Veteran's Day it was all about the belts for the hour...oh, yeah, and the whole These Two Men Plain Just Don't Like Each Other hatred thing, as well.

In a nice bit of symmetry, the show started off on that latter note (Crews getting revenge on Corbin possibly costing him -- yes -- the Big X in last week's main event by jumping the Lone Wolf before he could even start wrestling the Perfect 10) and closed with it as well via Joe and still the Big X beltholder, Finn Bálor. Right before the opening salvo in the Champ/Joe contretemps was a title match, and for the first time in a long time on regular NXTV, there was a title change as you can see above.

No official name anymore, no varnish, no pagentry, and no B.S.; for Dash 'n Dawson, the aesthetics are in the basement buried underneath rarely worn clothes and rarely used accouterments. No, what their now golden house is built upon is death by a thousand paper cuts and sending oppponents' health meters in the red with a healthy mixture of precision legwork and outright dickery.

Of course they're not the Mechanics now; those are the guys you go to see when you want something mended, and all the former Captain Redneck and - do is break stuff: patellas, MCLs, et al. It happened during their semifinal run in the Dusty Classic, it's been happening to Enzo Amore and Big Cass for the past few weeks, and tonight against the now-former Champions Vaudevillians, it happened to Aiden English and Simon Gotch as well. Set up by a signature Dawson chopblock towards the tail end of the first segment, the back end of the title clash saw D and D decimate English's leg with throws into the post, mat slams, and an array of double-team maneuvers. Aiden's insistence that he could pull off the Whirling Dervish despite Gotch just having recently gotten in for his Gibson run would prove to be the downfall of the throwbacks, as he was tossed then into the stairs and English got the same double-team kneecapper/Pillmanizer (that really needs some sort of name or descriptor besides "that's the move that took out Cass!") before tapping out to something applied by Dawson that showed more than a passing resemblance to Corey Graves' Lucky 13 leglock. (Ed. Note -- I prefer to compare it to Jamie Noble's Trailer Hitch, seeing both guys are of a Southern persuasion. TH)

Dirty, but clean as a sheet in the center of the ring. Bending the rules without getting DQed and losing their shot at the belts. Kinda jerks, but brilliant in their own way. Or you could just waive over the dichotomies and call them what they are: champions. Furthermore, the ex-champs are sure to be inducing their rematch clause in the near future; the Bridge and Tunnel boys will want their revenge (and their first title reign just as this one is for our new tag division overlords) once the team is fully operational again. Kudos for Dawson slogging through the last twelve years as well as Dash for way too long in order to get their first NXT titles, but while they put the period at the end of the sentence this week, this isn't even the end of a paragraph and the book's barely begun.

It was not the Wednesday to be a Champion in Full Sail. For all their crowd support, the Vaudevillians left the building 10 pounds lighter each. Finn Bálor? He didn't lose his title, but he damn sure lost his pride. Thankfully, Joe didn't delay or dodge the anticipated "Why, Joe, why?" question the end of last week posed but rather, as all fine heels do, answered mostly truthfully with a bit of hauteur and revisionist history thrown in the bargain. After all, in The History Of NXT's 2015 According To Samoa Joe, it was Bálor who sought him out and then get carried through a winning run in the inaugural Dusty Classic. It was the Champ who didn't follow through when William Regal put him in that number one contendership battle royale after saying he would give Joe the shot. And it was the sometimes-Demon who came out and threatened to kick Joe's ass about half a minute before he found himself on the business end of a Coqina Clutch and going the eff to sleep in a way that'd make Samuel L. Jackson proud. He managed to recover before the show went off the air, if only incrementally, but throwing Drake into him to set it up or not for the second week in a row it was Joe standing tall with the Big X in his meaty paw while Bálor laid below him an unwilling member of Nap Junction's city council.

As for the other Champion in NXT's employ, Bayley may have managed to leave with her title. (Her title match with Alexa Bliss, who CONTINUES TO ALMOST BRING SHAME TO THE FINE NAME OF THE FINE-ASS MAMA BLISS EVERY SINGLE WEEK, has the prestige position of announced matches for next week's show.) But her pride got slashed even in a six-person intergender effort, with The A in BAMF making off with her belt in the middle of the match. It should also be noted that the old Bayley would've been destroyed by this -- in November, no less -- but here Fancy New Bayley gave a Bayley-to-belly to an indignant-because-his-cheating-was-about-to-be-succesful Murphy on her way out and get her belt back backstage later in the show after Bliss treated herself to an impromptu photo shoot with the title and fled the moment Bayley appeared, dropping the title in her exit.

It is here where the waters muddy, as Bayley almost literally ran into Nia Jax, who had shown up in the program earlier to lay waste to some cannon fodder but also took a semi-private conversation with Eva Marie before she did so. But, this was their first interaction, and neither of them had any reason to have any beef with each other, leading to a finely awkward few beats since they didn't want to LayCool the belt but not seeing a reason to start throwing bombs at each other. Not having that feeling of hail lady well met, Bliss used that side mission to lay out Bayley from behind and smack talk her...only to have Jax pick up the belt. Discretion being valor's upside, Bliss showed off her Homer into the hedges impersonation as the newcomer gave the belt a once or twice over...and then handed it over to the fallen Bayley, before wordlessly walking out of the building. Curiouser and curiouser.

But everybody's got a piece of the action: there's no rainbow at the end of this story for Bayley like the borderline All-Japan sendoff she and Sasha Banks got at Respect; all she can do is be The Champ for Izzy and all the other Izzies out there while knowing that literally other women will pop out of the woodwork and try anything to get what she has earned; bliss has proven to be an effectively crafty fly in her ointment and her hired goons will probably be lingering around ringside next time around loss to the Hype Bros or not; Jax on her own merits should already be on Bayley's radar and the unknown nature of her talk with Eva Marie (furthered by the fact we didn't see a clump of red hair under a stretcher after the fact) means she could want the belt flying her own flag or may be the landmine clearer a certain Total Diva might be putting into her employ to make that Women's Championship hashtag all red everything.

Titles and hatred.

Hatred and titles.

In simplicity, truth, and the inverse as well ad infinitum.

Who would want it any other way?
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 146

November 12, 2015, 12:35 pm
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The Tittymaster in the main event of WrestleMania? You betcha
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

I'm assuming this stems from the Seth Rollins injury, and with that being the case, I'm not sure anyone, even Vince McMahon himself, knew what was going on at Mania this year. But because I'm a man who cannot resist a good fantasy booking exercise, the following is how I would book WrestleMania 32, at least this week (operating under the assumption that Daniel Bryan is never wrestling for WWE again, sad face emoji):

  • WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Corporate Roman Reigns (c) vs. 2015 Royal Rumble winner Dean Ambrose
  • Triple H and Stephanie McMahon vs. The Rock and Ronda Rousey
  • Brock Lesnar vs. Cesaro
  • The Undertaker vs. John Cena
  • Champion vs. Champion Unification Match: Kevin Owens (c - Intercontinental) vs. Sami Zayn (c - United States)
  • WWE Women's Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Sasha Banks
  • Alberto del Rio vs. Kalisto
  • Bray Wyatt, Braun Strowman, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan vs. Big E, Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, and BO DALLAS
  • WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Sheamus and Wade Barrett (c) vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass
  • Steel Cage Match: Charlotte vs. Paige
  • Pre-Show Andre the Giant Battle Royale: Big Show vs. Ryback vs. Bubba Ray Dudley vs. D-Von Dudley vs. Tyler Breeze vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Darren Young vs. Titus O'Neil vs. Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kane vs. Jey Uso vs. Jimmy Uso vs. Konnor vs. Viktor vs. Stardust vs. The Miz vs. Rusev vs. Neville vs. Mark Henry vs. Apollo Crews
Some of those matches look like the ones that may happen at Mania. Others are pure self-gratification. But tell me that card wouldn't look goddamn stacked and worthy of the BIGGEST MANIA EVER.


Since the game only has six wrestlers, two will get byes. Kin Corn Karn and King Slender get lucky passes to the semifinals because the former sounds like royalty, and the latter is royalty. Fighter Hayabusa takes out Giant Panther in one semifinal, while Amazon upsets the StarMan in the other. Then, Amazon uses DEVIOUS TACTICS to low-blow Slender and lock in the Outlaw Choke, while Hayabusa defeats Karn in a hard-fought match in the other semifinal. The finals see Hayabusa land the back brain kick on Amazon before he's able to deploy his cheating to win the tourney, the Championship, and the adoration of all the fans shouting A WINNER IS YOU at him as the show fades to black.

This answer's easy: "Macho" Mike Haggar. I mean, the dude has crossover appeal AND he knows politics since he's won a mayoral election.

Only if I get an executive producer credit.

I'd say if you want it to be a weekly segment, you'd need to ask weekly; I'd be happy to oblige though. Last week's TweetBag saw me book TCU, Alabama, Stanford, and Michigan State into the tournament. TCU got exposed by Oklahoma State and now everyone realizes the team's best win has been against... uh, Texas Tech? Sparty got boinked at the last minute against Nebraska in controversial fashion. I'll stick with Alabama, especially after the Tide whooped on LSU, and Stanford. The next two up are Clemson and Iowa. Clemson showed a lot during its statement win over Florida State. Iowa's a bit trickier to get in, but I foresee the Hawkeyes running the table in the Big Ten West to get to the B1G Title Game against... Michigan? Sparty will lose to Ohio State and Penn State to close out a disappointing season, while the Wolverines are the first team to beat the Buckeyes since Virginia Tech last year. Then in RUDOCK BOWL 2K16, Iowa uses its knowledge of its former QB to gain an upperhand, stifling Michigan on offense and doing just enough to pull out the win. So, in order:

  1. Clemson
  2. Alabama
  3. Iowa
  4. Stanford

That Alabama/Iowa semifinal is going to do so much to advance research on time dilation, y'all.
Embracing analytics is a great start, and the team has a good core of players to move forwards into the future (Maikel Franco, Aaron Nola, the haul from the Cole Hamels trade, etc.). The first thing I want done is to do something with Ryan Howard. He can't play anymore, and he's taking up time from someone who could benefit from it, either from someone in the organization, or from Franco if he ends up getting moved to first. The same probably goes for Carlos Ruiz too. It's not that I don't like either guy, but they have to move on. Second, I'd like to see the team add Jason Heyward to a front-loaded contract. Earn that money while the team's still bad and then when he hits the back end, he's got a chance to play for a winner. Finally, I'd like to see the team send an official letter to the Washington Nationals making fun of them for choking and thanking them for taking Jonathan Papelbon off their hands. Not only would it rib the dumb team down south, but it should increase the team's OBP just from the intentional beanballs alone.

You're a glutton for the punishment, and that's why I keep you around.

If I had the book, the Young Bucks would kick Super Dragon in the dick and tell him to book more California indie talent and also not to be dicks and book the same fuckin' match All Pro Wrestling was banking on a week before it was set to present it. Oh, and Chris Hero would win the PWG Championship and tell everyone who called him fat to suck it.

If you wanted serious, then it would end at All-Star Weekend 11 with the bloody defeat of the stable at the hands of Hero, Candice LeRae, Joey Ryan, and Mike Bailey in Guerrilla Warfare. The stable would go their separate ways after realizing no one wants them dicking around anymore.

Photo Credit: TH

The odd thing is, I can only do it with my left hand. Then again, would you consider me normal?
Because WWE is steady hitching its cart to things that end up having cultural relevance but not in the way they want them to. WWE saw short-burst video was the thing of the future and got on Tout. Yet, Vine and Instagram Video were the ones to blow up. It partnered with one of the Daily Fantasy Sites  instead of doing their OWN thing and now they're both getting taken down by state governments. About the only thing WWE got right was its own over-the-top network, which thankfully is going to be its future.

Both together. You don't get to 330 lbs. without knowing a thing or two about snacking.

Honestly, I'm bored already with the John Cena vs. Alberto del Rio feud, and it hasn't even really started yet. It doesn't need the United States Championship either, that's for sure, so put together a six-pack challenge for the title at TLC. Cena vs. del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Tyler Breeze vs. Neville vs. a returning Sami Zayn. Zayn would then win to put him on the path to unification with Kevin Owens at WrestleMania, and then del Rio and Cena could wrestle without the title hanging in the balance.

Absolutely yes, at least right now it would. NXT has times where the talent gets lean thanks to injuries and roster call-ups, but at the same time, it always has these peripheral characters floating around like Solomon Crowe (sigh), Tye Dillinger, Elias Sampson, and Angelo Dawkins. Wouldn't it be cool to give them some purpose while Creative finds out what to do with them? Like, put the title on a guy who has an established gimmick and fan following, and then let him wrestle against guys who don't so they can get cache and recognition so they can hit the ground running when someone does think of a solid character for them to play.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat Nov. 11

November 13, 2015, 7:00 am
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Reigns in the WWE Tournament is a topic on the return of Cheap Heat
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown; we listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week - too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in our regular rotations that we feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If we can save other folks some time, we're happy to do so.

Show: Cheap Heat
Episode: A Career-Threatening Episode (Nov. 11, 2015)
Run Time: 52:39
Guest: None

Summary: Grantland may be gone, but after a week off Cheap Heat is back. Peter Rosenberg and Stat Guy Greg open the show before David Shoemaker’s “dramatic return.” They talk about the Seth Rollins injury and how Rosenberg’s Gary Hart book —which led to a tangent about the von Erichs and WCCW — as well as the WWE Title tournament, fans’ kayfabe responses to Rollins, how to handle Roman Reigns in the near future and trying to determine the point of MexAmerica, which leads into a signature non sequitur segment. At the end, the guys get back to business trying to figure out the point of the Wyatt Family/Brothers Of Destruction segment.

Quote of the week: Shoemaker: “As far as I know, the podcast lives on.”

Why you should listen: Is it possible to be nostalgic about a weekly podcast that’s been gone for all of one week? Podcast addicts had to be happy to once again get their Cheap Heat fix. And while there’s nothing revolutionary herein with respect to the biggest story in WWE at the moment, it’s refreshing to hear Shoemaker’s take if only because he never strays too far from practicality, and that’s exactly what’s needed in a situation where absurd (though amusing) theories are everywhere.

Why you should skip it: Is it possible for a weekly podcast to develop severe ring rust after skipping a single episode? I routinely rag on Cheap Heat for lacking an editorial direction beyond “Open mouth, say things,” but wow is this one short on substance. I still don’t quite understand why the guys opted not to catch up on Smackdown spoilers. And there is hardly any discussion of the Grantland snafu outside of Shoemaker recalling the way he reacted to the onslaught of tweets and emails on or about Oct. 30.

Final thoughts: This one gets a pass on quality — but that also means listeners can pass. Going forward, it will be quite interesting to see if ESPN absorbs Shoemaker’s work, which seems only natural because of its increasing WWE ties, or if eventually he’s cut loose as being more of a pop culture voice. With any of the Grantland leftovers still contributing to ESPN, I find myself wondering how they’ll fare under new editors, but that fear seems misplaced with respect to Cheap Heat given how obvious it is they’re long had little guidance between instructions for how to press record. Still, it’s good to have them back. At its best, Cheap Heat is essential listening. Here’s hoping the best becomes business as usual.
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