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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 231

April 14, 2018, 6:30 am
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After a rough start, Kapler's got the Phils on the right track
Photo Credit: Rich Schultz/Getty Images
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Firstly, BIG apologies for omitting this question last week. It was an honest mistake on my part. As for the question, I mean, it's been quite the first couple of weeks of the season, a veritable rollercoaster if you will. If I had answered last week like I should have, the answer might have been different because Gabe Kapler got off to a really rough start at the worst possible time (in the beginning of his first season). That being said, the pieces are in place. I think adding Arrieta was a no-brainer because this team is going to mash pretty hard. I mean, the rebuild feels nearly complete. IT was all going to hinge on Aaron Nola's development into a number one starter and the hitters continuing to progress. It's early, so guys like JP Crawford, Jorge Alfaro, and even Carlos Santana slumping might not be cause for alarm, but it looks like the other pieces like Rhys Hoskins, Scott Kingery, Nick Williams, and Cesar Hernandez are all raking early. Even Maikel Franco is bouncing back. The pieces are there; it's just a matter of them gelling. I'm ready to ride with this team.

The reason why Nakano got dumped from WWE and really hasn't been in the company's purview since was a sketchy arrest for cocaine use. That being said, her reintroduction into WWE's bloodstream is dependent on two things. One, has Vince McMahon felt enough time has passed since the arrest (or has he been sufficiently cajoled by his daughter to think it has), and two, the more pressing question, are people in the company willing to dampen their double standard when it comes to substance abuse between genders? Women who abuse drugs or alcohol get swift judgement even today. Look at how Serena Deeb got fired from WWE initially, for "breaking character" by being caught in a bar while a member of the Straight Edge Society. Rumors swirled about Kimber Lee/Abbey Laith's drinking getting her in hot water with WWE officials as well, but I stress those are rumors that were unsubstantiated. That being said, it's totally believable that she'd get the axe for liking alcohol too much while male superstars get the treatment for their additions that they need and deserve. I'm not knocking Mike Bennett at all and I'm glad he's sober. That being said, if it were Maria Kanellis on a substance? You can bet she'd have been gone.

Now, Deeb came back to the Mae Young Classic, so maybe the doors are open for Nakano to get into the Hall or what have you. Who knows, maybe she'd been extended an invite and turned it down because of how shoddily WWE treated her for her cocaine arrest while half the locker room at the time at least probably candied their noses on a regular basis, including the supposedly feelgood World Champion around the same time. Either way though, I'd be cautious about hoping for her to return to WWE for enshrinement. Wrestling can be a cruel business if you're a woman.

For the women, it's easier to handicap, since so few female superstars were on the main card of WrestleMania. Discussion should always begin with the Horsewomen who were in the Women's Battle Royale: Sasha Banks, Bayley, Becky Lynch. Naomi is another who bears mentioning, as she's always near the main event but almost never presented as The Woman. If WWE builds to its rumored Charlotte Flair/Ronda Rousey main event next year without having either one win the Rumble, Naomi is a sneaky good bet as a Sheamus/Alberto del Rio-type winner. For the men, it's a little harder, and one probably has to dig into NXT or outside of WWE to get the drop on a good answer. Of those in the Andre the Giant Battle Royale, the only one I feel has a great shot to leapfrog to a Rumble win is Woken Matt Hardy. After that, the next biggest shots are the guys too injured for Mania, like Jeff Hardy, Samoa Joe, and Dean Ambrose. After that, you're looking at the outsiders, guys like the recently returned Bobby Lashley, a NXT import who catches fire like Andrade "Cien" Almas, Aleister Black, Lars Sullivan, or EC3. Then you get the guys wholly outside the company right now, whether alumni like Batista or Rey Mysterio, or name free agent signings like Kenny Omega. So who's the best shot? If Rousey and Flair are headlining Mania, it might cause WWE to think it can maybe slip a Rumble winner out of the hyperfocused main event but still has cache from a surprise return perhaps. Dean Ambrose fits that bill pretty well.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to, and I wouldn't blame you for fearing that Michael PS Hayes and Road Dogg might screw up NXT's meanest Mean Girls like they have, well, just about anyone not in New Day or with the surname Uso. But I mean, you know you wanna see the Iconic Duo. I always want to see the Iconic Duo. Sometimes, you just gotta make the hard choice, son.

Man, it's still three weeks out, and it's ALREADY a fiasco. Provided it's not a work (and with Rusev and social media...), the kerfluffle with Michelle McCool getting righteously indignified over Rusev calling Undertaker "old" and people putting two and two together when the Handsome One was removed from the casket match in favor of Chris Jericho is alredy peak WWE bullshit. Even if it is a work, and look, it probably is, it's one of those cringey, almost Russo-like things where everyone looks petty and shrill, and only the saddest and most boring people think is compelling storytelling. Add that up to the fact that the show is going to be like 8 hours long with seven title matches, PLUS the 50 man Rumble match, PLUS Taker/Jericho and Triple H/Cena, and man, some people are gonna be wiped out on a Friday afternoon. Another underrated aspect is that it's a 14 hour flight from New York to Jeddah with one layover, and Saudi Arabia is a dry country. All I'm saying is, watch out.

This might change when I watch more matches, but for now, it's Nick Fuckin' Gage, who was the only guy to really explore the entire studio space at Bloodsport (and the first guy to take a bump off the side of the ropeless ring) and who spiced things up with PLUNDAAAAHHHH against Penta El Zero M at Spring Break. PCO might have been the better story at Spring Break, and other guys may have been more incredible in singular roles, but Gage carrying the load for the GCW freakshow cards means a lot. I also hear he did some things for the WWN Live family. Of course, when I watch more of the shows, it could change. I heard Matt Riddle did some big things in WWN Land, and his matches vs. James Ellsworth and Minoru Suzuki that I did see were very good, albeit in different ways. You can't really go wrong with either Tommaso Ciampa or Johnny Gargano either if you're speaking strictly of The Fed. I don't know. But right now, it's the King, MDK, Gang-Affiliated.

Firstly, I'm sorry for your traumatizing experience. Second, I don't think Vince McMahon knows how to satisfy anyone, even himself. His only pitch for a football league was "STANDING FOR THE TROOPS." Like, that's not a sales pitch, that's a racist e-mail. He got got by his good friend's kid in the football league attempt, and that dude actually has a plan! Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Kid Rock sucks now, even though I still bang out to select tunes from Devil Without a Cause.

I actually made the following predictions:

Now that that's out of the way, congrats to Penguins and Kings fans for your teams making the finals!

From protected user @adamsgroove:
who do you think is switching from Raw to Smackdown, and vice versa, in the SUPERSTAR SHAKE-UP?
TO SMACKDOWN:
Alexa Bliss - She laid down for the debuting Ember Moon, which is a clear sign that she's going to go back to Smackdown Live, where she began her ascent from NXT throw-in post-draft to Goddess of WWE.
Braun Strowman - The only thing he did on RAW Monday was relinquish the Tag Titles, so I see that as a sign that he'll go to be Smackdown's resident main event kaiju.
The Miz - Daniel Bryan's back in the ring, and I don't see him being on the same brand as Roman Reigns. Also, he has unfinished business with Miz. Two plus two equals a hot mixed tag main event of one of those B-PPVs... well, it would be if WWE didn't get rid of brand-exclusive shows out of pure desperation or whatever.
Sasha Banks - Having the Banks/Bayley match so soon feels like a sign they're being split up for the time being.
Cesaro and Sheamus - They're meant to have BRUISING HOSS BATTLES with the Bludgeon Brothers.

TO RAW:
Big E - WWE made a point to say teams could be split up, and this could be the way to split the New Day up without someone turning on another guy. Big E needs a rocket to the main event yesterday.
Charlotte Flair - The endgame is Flair/Ronda Rousey at Mania, right? Getting them on the same brand early is a good way to get the ball rolling.
AJ Styles - Daniel Bryan makes him redundant, and he's also not nearly as toxic to the Roman Reigns brand as Bryan is. Shinsuke Nakamura beats him at Backlash to facilitate this.
The Usos - They've conquered all the worlds they needed to on Smackdown, and they need to be able to throw down with the Woken Cult and the Authors of Pain.
Natalya - Hey, not every move needs to be good or useful, eh?

It's a top three feud/long-term story in NXT history. Honestly, it might make me a fuddy-dud to say this, but I still really love the Scrappy Rise of Sami Zayn and Sasha Banks vs. Bayley as two benchmarks. The thing is that whether or not the endgame from their inclusion in the first Dusty Classic was this past Saturday at Takeover: New Orleans was written in stone from day one or whether they wrote it on the fly is irrelevant. As a whole arc, it's masterful at how it turned out: their shared signing, the Cruiserweight Classic match, the feud with The Revival, the emotional Tag Title wins, the turn, the mental block of being unable to get over Almas, the return, and then the grand fight in New Orleans. It's as good as storytelling as WWE, at any level, has ever done. So if you want to rank it as number one, I wouldn't argue. I can't really rank my favorites, because as I grow old and shriveled, I realize that maybe being rigid in my preference isn't as prudent as savoring the things I know are good. But I know that the emotional impact has been similar to seeing Sami Zayn go from pestering Cesaro to winning the title from Neville or the sweeping war between Banks and Bayley. That's what matters.

They kinda did have her as a manager of Sonya Deville and Mandy Rose between her injury and her retirement. That would've been a great role for her except for her inability to bump. But I figure her as the leader of Absolution after recruiting a new member would've been the path, perhaps a male performer? If only Cezar Bononi wasn't so green, he'd be perfect as a heavy for the group in the male division and someone whom Paige could've fawned over as arm candy.

It's not the hardest path. Miami will give them a fight, because Miami seems to play them tough this year. I really like Hassan Whiteside in the middle; he could disrupt both Ben Simmons and make life hard for a freshly-returned from injury Joel Embiid. I still think the Sixers will win in something like six games. Then they get the winners of the Bucks/Celtics series. They're a great matchup for the Bucks, and the Celtics are banged the fuck up. The Eastern Conference Finals are a reasonable goal for sure. Then, the series vs. either the Raptors, Pacers, or most likely the Cavaliers will be as good as any that the West can put up. Trust the Process.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for April 16, 2018

April 16, 2018, 5:45 pm
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BRYAN BACK ON THE GRIND
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - Honestly, I got a little worried when near the end of his first weekly television match since returning with AJ Styles, Bryan took a weird bump from the top rope on a back suplex reversal. It's okay, all of his fans are going to have moments whenever he takes a bad-looking bump like that, but it's all part of his comeback. Everyone's gotta adjust.

2. Ben Simmons (Last Week: 2) - Simmons in his first playoff game just dished 14 assists en route to a Sixers rout of the Heat. It's hard to believe he's a rookie with his vision and playmaking ability, but man, he's been the real deal, more than holding the team up with Joel Embiid out. Just imagine when The Process comes back though...

3. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 4) - One could say Strowman could've just given Nicholas' principal THESE HANDS and allowed him continue on as RAW Tag Team Champion. However, Strowman showed that he, much like Wu-Tang, is for the children. A kid needs his education. How do you think Strowman is so effective in the ring? Just by flailing wildly? No, he knows EQUATIONS to maximize impact.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 7) - Honestly, Asuka did what Roman Reigns should've done and spent last week in a cocoon of contemplation or something. She'll be back more deadly than ever. My guess is Carmella will get her head kicked off at some point. I'm happy for Carmella successfully cashing in her Money in the Bank briefcase, but she gone die.

5. Bryce Harper (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, the guy is polarizing, but you can't say he doesn't rake. He hit a home run today on a broken bat. HOW MUCH POWER DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE TO DO THAT?

6. Grilled Chicken Skewers (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Amanda made some grilled chicken skewers with mushrooms, peppers, and cherry tomatoes, rubbed in Moroccan seasoning. It was quite tasty, proving that good food doesn't need to be dripping with fat. I'm not saying dripping with fat isn't good, but it's also good to have variety.

7. Kris Wolf (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Wolf's search for MEAT brought her to SHIMMER. I hope she sticks around America and works Chikara because her vs. the Proletariat Boar of Moldova is a bucket list match for various reasons.

8. Harry Anderson (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Anderson, who starred in Night Court passed away today. He was just one of those low-key funny guys who helped carry a classic '80s sitcom, and 65 is way too young to die. Pour one out for Judge Harry Stone.

9. Nixon Newell (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Newell signed with WWE and then proceeded to tear her ACL, keeping her on the shelf. She finally came back to the ring, joining Dakota Kai in a tag team on the Florida loop, and I could not be happier for her.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - On this tax day, please note that the government cannot touch Oney Lorcan when he's here for porkin'.
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RIP Bruno Sammartino

April 18, 2018, 9:06 am
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A true wrestling icon
Photo Credit: Pro Wrestling Illustrated via WWE.com
Bruno Sammartino passed away today at age 82. The Italian-born, Pittsburgh-adopted strongman-turned-wrestler was WWE's first modern legendary figure, but he's known for his epic spurning of Vince McMahon today as he is for his run at the top of the company McMahon currently operates. He is without a doubt one of the most important figures in wrestling history, the archetype for Vincent J. McMahon's version of the then World Wide Wrestling Federation, and though he led a rich and full life, his passing signals a massive loss in the wrestling community.

Sammartino was born in Abruzzi, Italy in October of 1935. He spent his childhood living in an active theater of World War II, spending part of it hiding in the mountains from Nazi forces. His family would move to the United States, Pittsburgh specifically, in 1950, where Sammartino recovered from his early life of living sparsely during wartime by taking up bodybuilding. He became known for feats of strength until promoter Rudy Miller had the grand idea to turn him into a professional wrestler. Sammartino made his debut for local promotions in Pittsburgh in 1959.

Sammartino first worked for Vincent J. McMahon and his partner Toots Mondt in 1960, but he wouldn't make a permanent return to their territory until 1963, when he defeated "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers in a match for the WWWF World Championship. No footage of the match exists, making it the most historically significant match in history to have happened "in the dark." Sammartino would hold the title for a whopping eight years, dropping it to Ivan Koloff in early 1971 at Madison Square Garden. Grown men were seen crying in the crowd at the result. Sammartino would continue working for McMahon off and on, at one point regaining the title and holding it for another three-and-a-half years. The most notable match he had after losing the belt the second time was a blood-feud match with Larry Zbyszko that culminated in a heated main event at Shea Stadium in 1980, a card also notable for having an early Andre the Giant vs. Hulk Hogan match. Sammartino would continue working for the WWWF (and then WWF) off and on until 1988.

After he left the company in 1988, Sammartino became an outspoken critic of Vince McMahon's practices, namely promoting in his mind "obscene" angles and silently encouraging the use of performance enhancing drugs and narcotics behind the scenes. This would hold through for a little over 25 years. The cold front dissipated when Paul "Triple H" Levesque extended an olive branch on behalf of his father-in-law, one that included an induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. Sammartino saw that the programming had become "clean" enough for his liking and accepted the offer. He remained on a Legends contract until his passing today.

Sammartino was the archetypical draw for the elder McMahon's vision of pro wrestling. He was a larger-than-life hero who appealed to New York City's large immigrant population, a mold that was filled prior to him by Antonino Rocca and after him by Pedro Morales. His outsized persona translated to big gates for the then-WWWF; Sammartino-headlined shows sold the Garden out 187 times. Of course, some of that money got pilfered from his own pocket, as the elder McMahon illegally falsified gate numbers to cheat him out his promised keep once. I guess the younger McMahon's unscrupulous practices were genetically inherited.

Still, for as impressive as his wrestling career was, his smoking out of the McMahon family is even more legendary. In a business where labor voluntarily puts itself at the mercy of capital for reasons unknown to common sense, Sammartino time and time again stuck to his guns and did what was right for him, and thus providing an example that other wrestlers rarely followed. Say what you want about Sammartino in the ring (I can't because my viewing of his footage is woefully behind), but even just for his willingness to fight the power, he deserves to be honored among the greats all-time.

So it is with a heavy heart that I say for Mr. Sammartino to rest in peace. Few people have made the impact he did in his career, and everyone owes him at least a nod.
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NXT In 60 Seconds

April 20, 2018, 9:00 am
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Johnny, you cheeseball
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Reign In Power, Bruno


Definitely Not Lloyd Braun In Voiceover Form: Last Week on the Leftovers: Kairi Sane made the pre-show great again by hitting THE Elbow on Lacey Evans, and Heavy Machinery and Tino Sabotelli and Riddick Moss got taken out by the War Machine Raiders.

The Garganos: come out to raucous applause
Johnny: (off mic but to the camera) I've got goosebumps.  Look!  (shows them)
Full Sailors: Welcome back!  Johnny Wrestling!
Johnny: Going into New Orleans, I dreamt of this moment and the goosebumps it's giving me right now.  It's...it's really good to be home.  I was defined by Tomasso for too long...
Full Sailors: BOOO!
Johnny: ...it'll happen when your best friend stabs you in the back, breaks your heart, costs you a championship and then a career.
Full Sailors: BOOO!
Johnny: Hell, I couldn't even say his name for the longest, I was so haunted.  But after 37 grueling minutes I've got my life back and I'm back where I belong!
Full Sailors: Johnny Wrestling!
Johnny: I'm back in NXT.
Full Sailors: HUZZAH!
Johnny: Thanks to you guys for always having my back, shoving those signs in Tomasshole's face and chanting for me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  But I have to shoutout someone even more important.
Full Sailors: Candice!  Candice!  Candice!
Johnny: The past few months have been tough on us both...
Full Sailors: AWWWW!
Johnny: But I couldn't've done it without you.  I love you so much.  they hug
Full Sailors: applaud
Johnny: Enough mushy crap!  I'm back, and Johnny Wrestling and Candice Wrestling have some unfinished business.
Candice: Tonight I go one on one against Zelina Vega.
Johnny: If Cien tries it, I'll drop him like his name was Ciampa. And once they're put in our rearview, I couldn't help but notice there's a new champion...so you're looking at his first challenger.  I'm Johnny Wrestling, and we are NXT! spikes the mic

Killian: In New Orleans...they took my chance to make history.  But I'll take everything from Lars tonight.  No help.  Tonight, I bring the chaos to him alone.

Young Me: comes out
Full Sailors: Ricochet!  Ricochet!
Fabian Aichner: You know, I beat Johnny Gargano once.
Tumbleweed: rolls through arena
Aichner:sigh
Riochet: 619 I picked up from somewhere!  Springboard Eurocut!  Standing SSP!  630 splash!
Referee: Winner!
Ricochet: (to Kayla post-match on the ramp) My Full Sail debut feels great.  I ain't mad at it.  Lots of stars made their names here — Bayley, Sami Zayn, Seth Rollins — but it's my turn now to show why I'm The One And Only.  Buy the shirt (once it's out)!

Lars Sullivan: Tonight, I unmake a human being with these very hands.  Whatever I imagine will manifest, and everyone will see why I'm a real life freak of nature.

War Machine: comes out
Victims, Inexplicably In Deuce and Domino Cosplay: are super doomed
War Machine: splut splat GORSH
Somebody From The Crowd: Somebody stop the damn match!
War Machine: stops it with their Fallout finisher
Referee: Winners! 

Shayna Baszler: I'm late for a meeting.  Whatevs.  blows off Coach Serena Deeb and takes it over by taking down Ember's tag and putting a Queen of Spades card in its place Things are different now.  You either get in line — behind me — or get out.
Women's LockerRoom: seethes
Dakota Kai: stands up I need some water.  leaves
Shayna: That's right.

Killian: Forearms!  Whip into the steps!  Tope!
Lars: NOPE!  drives him into the post Suplex on the floor!  Crossfaces!
Full Sailors: respectful applause
Lars: German suplex!  Flying lariat suicida!
Mauro: what the how the is that a thing
Full Sailors: NXT!  NXT!  NXT!  NXT!
Lars: Diving headbutt!
Killian: Kickout! Fuck this nosebleed:  Shotgun dropkick!  Forearms!  Wasteland!  Senton!  Vader Bomb!
Lars: Kickout!
Killian: Divide through the table I set up in the corner!
Lars: Caught!  Front slam!
Referee: One!
Killian: Kickout!  Bike kick!  As I was saying, Divide through the table I set up in the corner!
Full Sailors: NXT!  NXT!  NXT!  NXT!
Killian: sets up a chair assisted Coast to Coast
Lars: Chair to the gut!  And the back! Freak Accident into some chairs! 
Referee: Winner!
Lars: looks dazed for a while, then joyous This is Lars Sullivan territory!
Killian: looks dazed and slightly bloodied, hanging on to the ring apron for support
SmackDown: ahahahaha and then what? ;) 

Candice: comes out for the main
Zelina: follows, smacktalks, shoves C after the bell
Candice: shoves harder Gutbuster!
Cien: on the apron out of nowhere Es muy malo!
Zelina: Hairpull throwdown!
Johnny: marches out indignant
Zelina: Modified dragon sleeper!  Corner basement Meteora!
Candice: Kickout!  Missile dropkick!  Around the world Gargano Escape!
Cien: tries it
Johnny: Warned you.  Around the world Gargano Escape!
Cien: is tapping
Zelina: is tapping
SmackDown: heyyyy
Referee: Winner!
Full Sailors: Candice!  Candice!
Johnny: First of all: that was awesome.
Full Sailors: We concur and will chant accordingly!
Johnny: Second is what I promised earlier — I'm challenging Aleister Black for the NXT Championship!
Incendiary Literally The Moment After He Says That: No man is ever truly GOOD!  No man is ever truly E VIL!
Aleister Black: comes out onto the ramp with the Big X on his shoulder You want it?  Then next week you shall have it.
A Telegraph Suddenly Surging To Life In The Basement: T O M A S
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for April 23, 2018

April 23, 2018, 4:00 pm
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A hero.
Photo Credit: News and Tribune
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. James Shaw, Jr. (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The amount of mass shootings in this country is both staggering and grotesque, and rarely do good stories come out of them. The Waffle House shooter in Nashville still killed four people before Shaw heroically disarmed him with his own bare hands, so it's not exactly a perfect story. Then again, who really is prepared to deal with a naked psychopath opening fire in a public place? Not even a good guy with a gun could have prevented shots from firing, but Shaw, who had zero firepower on his person, kept the death toll from rising to even more tragic numbers. If I were in his situation, I'm not sure I'd have been able to do what he did, which is what makes his feat even more stunning.

2. Ben Simmons (Last Week: 2) - The Sixers are on the brink of moving onto the second round mainly because Simmons has taken over the series. People are starting to compare him to LeBron James, which is fine I guess, but honestly, it's not fair to Simmons because he's going to surpass James soon every player is his own unique person, and thus comparisons like that aren't right.

3. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - I'm more excited for the prospect of Bryan vs. Samoa Joe headlining a WWE pay-per-view in 2018 than I am for anything else on Smackdown outside of perhaps how Shinsuke Nakamura is going to punch AJ Styles in the groin next. Imagine that, WWE signed Nakamura and turned him into Toru Yano. It's amusing, sure, but for real, man. For real. Sheesh.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - She darted from the back on Smackdown, and everyone scurried for their lives, reinforcing the fact that she's lethal down to her pinkie nail. I mean, I don't know how long that reenergizing of her aura is going to last because lol Road Dogg and PS Hayes, but still, in theory, it shows losses shouldn't really hurt a wrestler.

5. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - Honestly, I'm stoked for Roman Reigns to finally beat Brock Lesnar at the House of Saud Fuck Money Show on Friday because it means the next logical step is for him to CATCH THESE HANDS once again, right? I mean, Strowman murking Reigns after Elimination Chamber meant he wasn't finished with him. It had to.

6. Sean Couturier (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Some playoff efforts are good. Others are herculean. Couturier's was sisyphean, in that he came back from getting rammed in his knee in practice by teammate (and possible Penguins sleeper agent) Radko Gudas and posted a five point effort in the Flyers' loss on Sunday. Couturier scored a hat trick and assisted on the team's other two goals, and yet Gudas and the other worthless piece of crap defensemen and woefully overmatched goalie Michal Neuvirth allowed the Pens to notch eight as the defending Cup Champions punched their card to the second round. Coots revealed after the game he did all of that on a torn MCL as well, which was both dumb but also strangely heroic. It's a shame such a game and a season was wasted because Ron Hextall has an affinity for bad defensemen and coach Dave Hakstol can't coach and chew gum at the same time, but hey, that's been the lot of Flyers' fans since 1975. The names change, but the story stays the same.

7. Macaroni and Cheese (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I did some fat kid meal prep this week and made meatloaf and shells 'n cheese for my lunches Monday through Thursday. It wasn't your mother's meatloaf or boxed mac 'n cheese though. The starch component was a two-cheese blend featuring smoked gouda and black pepper cheddar, because what goes better on mac 'n cheese than some cracked black pepper? Folks, it was goddamn tasty. I'm proud of myself.

8. Papa Shango (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Absolute Intense Wrestling likes to mine the nostalgia pipeline, and it works most of the time. Shango was no exception, as he came in, did his strange magic, and made someone puke up the black goo. Honestly, if I'm booking Charles Wright in 2018, I'm having him do exactly that, unless I can get a guarantee that he can grapplefuck. Then, it's Kama the Ultimate Fighting Machine vs. Timothy Thatcher in Bloodsport rules, baybay!

9. Danielle Fishel (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Fishel is already one of Pro Wrestling Guerrilla's two coolest fans (can't forget about Sofia Vergara now), but man, her appreciation for the Bad Boy himself, Joey Janela, kicks her up a few notches. I wonder if she's got any mark photos with Vader back from when he was a frequent guest star on Boy Meets World...

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Now let's everybody do the Porkin Dance!
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The Bad Boy and Girl and the Hot Mess Are All In, and That's Great News

April 24, 2018, 7:30 am
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The Bad Couple signifies that All In is for real
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
All In, Cody Rhodes' and the Young Bucks' attempt at drawing 10,000 people to a non-WWE wrestling show, added three new names to the talent roster, and all of them are eye-opening. The first two are a package deal, the Bad Boy himself Joey Janela and his partner in and out of the ring, Penelope Ford. The third is former Impact Wrestling star and Tough Enough alumna Chelsea Green. They may not be the biggest names in wrestling, although Janela has been the darling of WrestleMania weekend the last two years with his Spring Break cards, but they signal more of a daring direction for All In than any of the names previously announced, even the heavy hitters like Kenny Omega and Kazuchika Okada.

All In looked like it was going to be a standard Ring of Honor featuring the stars of New Japan Pro Wrestling show with a few adjacent additions actually up until about a month ago. Stephen Amell and Tessa Blanchard both aren't exactly in the ROH lexicon, but they're also not exactly surprising announcements. The shift started happening when the Lucha Bros. were announced, Penta El Zero M and Rey Feníx. Even though they seem to be announced for every indie show, seeing them mingle with ROH/New Japan talent is actually something fresh, especially in the age where ROH talent barely works Pro Wrestling Guerrilla anymore. Janela, Ford, and Green, however, open the floodgates, and Ford and Green specifically show that the show may have more of a female presence on it than just one match. It's entirely possible that Rhodes and the Jackson Brothers go the Road Dogg route and shove Ford, Green, Blanchard, Brandi Rhodes, and Deonna Purrazzo in a single match, but at the same time, announcing Janelope as a tandem could as much portend an intergender tag match as it can the convenience of announcing them at the same time.

If judging by the recent ROH shows attendance figures is any indication, All In wasn't going to have as much trouble as one might think selling five figures in tickets. Omega, Okada, and the Elite might have drawn 10K easily, especially if the current Passion of the Omega continues on until September. The show planners don't have to announce the "cool" talent that could add more tickets from niche fans, but the fact that they are shows they're not just looking to put on a ROH f/NJPW show. All In is going to be a melange of the best talent available, a true attempt at creating a spectacle of a show that will be as memorable for the action inside the ring as it will be for the number of tickets sold. And to be honest, regardless of what the stated goal is or what boring dumbshits like Dave Meltzer have to say, it is far more important for a show to be memorable for its quality than it is for how many people show up. WrestleMania 3 isn't one of the most fondly remembered shows in history because of a disputed number of people in attendance. Ricky Steamboat and Randy Savage having the first Mania classic and Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant are why.

So it'll be interesting to see what other wells the lads draw from. Personally, I hope they go further into the Janela vein and start bringing in some deathmatch guys, with bonus points if they happen to book Nick Gage vs. Okada in one of the headline matches. Maybe they mine Mexico further and bring in guys like Alebrije Kraneo or even the venerable LA Park. Maybe they start bringing in some of the "next guys" from various territories like the new breed of SoCal wrestlers PWG is using or mining from other areas like Austin/San Antonio, Chattanooga, North Carolina, or New England. The possibilities are endless, and the booking of the Lucha Bros., Green, and Janelope show that even though they're only taking the cream from the top thus far, Rhodes and the Jacksons realize this. That fact can only mean great things for this show going forward.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 232

April 26, 2018, 1:00 pm
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What a tag team!
Photo Credit: Touchstone Television
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Honestly, I feel like any sitcom protagonist could segue into pro wrestling and at least have the chance to be successful. What is pro wrestling, especially modern pro wrestling, but televised episodic storytelling with outsized characters? Any number of sitcom characters could port over, I have two in mind that would come in as a tag team, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and Al Borland. They would form a tag team that plays on a classic trope of one mouthy but less skilled member with a more level-headed and talented partner. The big advantage of having Taylor and Borland in a wrestling arena rather than a sitcom one is that Home Improvement never really had any reason to have one turn on the other and make one a villain. I mean it's a fuckin' sitcom, right? But in wrestling, any and every team could break up. Just ask Vince McMahon! Plus, given their stated gimmicks as toolmen, well, they could have some really creative hardcore matches.

My thoughts of Radko Gudas are unprintable without violating local libel laws.

The "no girls allowed" thing with the Greatest Royal Rumble is terrible, but it's a symptom of a larger problem with WWE getting into bed with an absolutely abhorrent theocratic abuser of human rights in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Mohammed bin Salman, the crown prince and the person pretty much running the country, wants you to think the country is getting more and more PROGRESSIVE! because he's letting women drive and putting on entertainment events that didn't happen in his country beforehand. David Bixenspan and Karim Zidan laid it out on Deadspin why this whole thing is a sham, but the KSA right now is still one of the most heinous nations in the world because of, but not limited to:
  • An ongoing (and US-aided I might add) war of cruelty on neighboring Yemen which could probably be classified as a genocide
  • Restriction of practicing any non-Islam religion on its soil, furthermore banning anyone with a visa stamp from Israel on their passport from entering its borders legally
  • Promoted guardianship of women, meaning if a woman wants to do anything more than breathe, she has to have a man's permission
  • Brutal suppression of minority groups, including Shiite Muslims and native Bedouin herders
But hey, WWE is getting paid in upwards of nine figures to put on this show. GOTTA THINK OF THE SHAREHOLDERS, RIGHT? I mean, the fact that people like Justin LaBar, a sycophant who never met a decision WWE made that he didn't like, can stand up and say that this is a good call because of the money is not only disgusting, but also a symptom of an even greater disease than doing business with KSA. Hell, the moral rot of capitalism is probably the biggest cause of the KSA's human rights abuses. bin Salman and his family can kill whomever they want and suppress women in the name of whatever they interpret Islam to be because they control all the oil and have a shitload of money. Pointing that out and saying it's okay is the most tedious and oppressively slavish to capital thing you can do.

So basically, the whole thing is a goddamn sham, from the head right down to the epidermis cells on the bottom of the feet. Women not being allowed to compete — all the while having their matches on RAW relegated to the inset screen while the main focus is primed upon advertising an event at which they cannot compete — is infuriating and hypocritical in the face of this faux-woke, Trump-enabling company proclaiming some kind of "revolution" or "evolution." However, it's only a part of the bigger problem.

And as a postscript to that answer, anyone who says WWE is doing this to "start a conversation" is not to be trusted whatsoever, and should probably be slapped in the face on principle. The only conversation WWE is having over this show and its entire ten-year deal with the Saudis is how much gross revenue collected directly from taxes there is going in the McMahon coffers. If you think Vince or Stephanie McMahon or Paul Levesque care about human rights of Saudi Arabians, fuck you. I can't even sugarcoat it.

The first question is easy, in that even back in the '90s, tech dipshits didn't have common sense. The second question has a less snarky answer. The real answer is that Pikachu was never supposed to be the mascot of Pokémon. That role was supposed to go to Clefairy. Pikachu actually took the mantel at the last minute, when the writers of the anime decided to go with the cute lil' electric mouse instead of the pink blob. However, that doesn't answer the question either, because Clefairy has a Gen 1 evolution as well in Clefable. Why bank everything on a Pokémon who wasn't finished evolving yet? I can't answer for Game Freak or Satoshi Tajiri, but I imagine it's twofold. One, making Pikachu the mascot while allowing it to evolve into Raichu allows for diversification of the consumer base. You have the young kids who flock to cute Pokémon and the adolescents who are more "gamers" who play and do things like create metagames who'll opt for Raichu. The second is that it provides for a great narrative for the anime, one they did explore when Ash struggled with the decision to evolve Pikachu so it could face off more effectively against Lt. Surge's Raichu. Again, I'm not sure if those are the concrete reasons; they're just my analytical reads on the question.

You may have heard, but a movie is coming tonight that is generating a bit of buzz. You may have heard of Avengers: Infinity War. I know, it's sort of a new kid on the block, an arthouse flick that is based mostly on word of mouth, but it has a lot of backstory behind it. If you don't have tickets for it already, and seeing as you want to stay back in your room this weekend, I'm guessing you're not an opening weekend guy. IF you DO plan on seeing it, I'd say you should maybe do a MCU refresher. Obviously, you don't need to watch ALL the movies, because you don't have that much time. But I'd watch the ones that deal directly with what's going to happen in this big one:
  • Captain America: The First Avenger
  • The Avengers
  • Guardians of the Galaxy
  • Avengers: Age of Ultron
  • Captain America: Civil War
  • Thor: Ragnarok
Obviously, those may not be the best of the best. But that feels like the best skeletal outline for how Infinity War sets up along with where everyone is when it begins. Of course, you may not be into the MCU at all, which is fine! In that case, can I interest you in a Will Ferrell dumb-as-shit comedy fest? Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back-Anchorman-Zoolander-Stepbrothers is a good foursome of films if you just wanna laugh. Or maybe you don't like Will Ferrell, and that's okay too! In that case, well, uh, I don't know. Put all your favorite movies or movies you wanna see on a dartboard and let your projectile-tossing skills decide.

I feel like Johnny Gargano is the most cautionary example. I have felt like giving him a fatherly talk to talk every time he rushed into something headfirst after Tommaso Ciampa, like putting his NXT career on the line against a dude he was winless against and who also happened to be NXT Champion? Yeah, Johnny Wrestling needed someone to tell him "Son, don't be a smacked ass, you smacked ass." Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens recently piqued that interest as well, but less as a "give them advice" and more of a "I wanna fight Vince McMahon for letting his shitty kid be shitty to my beautiful, pure, French-Canadian sons." Fatherhood is a broad spectrum!
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NXT In 60 Seconds

April 27, 2018, 7:00 am
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...THIS Fucking Guy, Part the Nth
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Four Men: arrive
Announcer: Please welcome the Undisputed Era!
One: announces himself
Everybody, Even You: ADAM COLE, BAY BAY!
Full Sailors: receive them generally favorably Un dis pu ted!clap clap clapclapclap
ACBB: Relish this, relish all the gold.  Since the beginning NXT's tried to prevent this from happening, yet here we stand.
Robert Fish, Esquire: WarGames threw us to the wolves, and so did New Orleans, but at every single turn we remain one step ahead dripping in gold.
Roddy Strong: Why, Roddy, why?  Well, I don't want to pat myself on the back...
the Others: do it for him
Roddy: ...but I had an epiphany.  I did something for myself, and it was the best decision of my career.  All Pete cares about is the WWEUK belt; how long would it have been before he turned on me?  And why should it be Roddy v. the World when I can finally have some allies and take over NXT?
Kyle O'Reilly: The days of us being backed into a corner are done.  We can't be stopped; this is our Era, and we'll leave everyone else in the dust.
ACBB: I will now defend my North American championship against Oney Lorcan, right now, on my own.  I didn't need help to gain this belt, and against (borderline snickering) Oney Lorcan, I don't need it.
All: pose, all but Cole take their leave
Oney: goes after Cole's taped ribs
Cole: Owenzugiri!  Oshigoroshi!
Oney: Basement Euro!  Running blockbuster!  Gourdbuster over the top rope!
Cole: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP I'M DYING
Kyle: comes back with trainers throwing up the X
Roddy: backplexes Oney into the apron
Cole: ...incrementally, as are we all LAST SHOT!
Referee: Winner!
Era: stomps out the Era
Danny Burch: runs in for the save, dropping the tag champs
Cole: Superkick!
Kyle: Hi, Dan.  Have you met Ax and Smash?
Roddy: leaping knees Oney in the mouth
Full Sailors: Un dis pu ted! clap clap clapclapclap

Heavy Machinery: show up to cheers
Riddick Moss and Tino Sabatelli: show up to boos and Tino Sucks chants
Team Holzerman: get along
Young Money: do until Tino bails
TH: splut splat GORSH Compactor!
Referee: Winners!
TH: War Raiders!  You can't just interfere in our match without reprisal!  We're calling you out!
My Boss TH: thumbsup.jpg

Dakota Kai, Clearly Shook: I do not want to talk about last week.  You know what?  Let's pretend like the whole thing never...hap...ppened.
Shayna Baszler: Look at me.
Dakota: doesn't
Baszler: Look at me!
Dakota: does
Baszler: You know what's funny? Youtraveled across the world to chase your dreams.  So how's it feel to know the reality is a division run by me is your worst nightmare?  leaves
Dakota: exhales

Tomasshole: jumps Johnny from behind before the ostensible main event, sends him into the announce table
You think I'm done?!  You're never going to get rid of me!  sets up for a Chicago style Air Raid Crash
Johnny: Superkick!  sends Tommaso to the floor Tope!
Full Sailors: Johnny Wrestling!
Tommaso: punts him in the Garganos
Full Sailors: You tapped out!  You tapped out!
Tommaso: Knee Trembler followed by the Crash off the ramp into two tables
Candice: comes out to check on him
Medics: take Johnny to an ambulance
Aleister: walks by as it drives off, continues heading inside
Tommaso: waves it goodbye from the top of a production truck
Aleister: marches into the building sans music, grabs the mic and enters the ring Tommaso Ciampa, by eliminating my competition...
SAnitY: inexplicably shows up
E.Y.: Johnny provided hope, and chaos took it away tonight.  Out of the chaos we will find greatness, find sanity...
Aleister: gets in his face, holds up the Big X Are you looking for this?!  Then let's do this!
E.Y.: Dragon sleeper!  Rude Awakening!  Death Valley Bomb!
Aleister: Are you done?
E.Y.: 
Aleister: Yeah, you're done.  Black Mass!
Referee: Winner!
Wolfe: tries it
Black: Masses him, too
Killian: has learned nothing
Black: Masses him, too
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Search

The Wrong Dogpile

April 30, 2018, 11:30 am
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Low Ki caused a stir in New Orleans, but it didn't warrant the dogpile
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Saturday, the Chikara Wrestle Factory hosted a doubleheader featuring the home promotion in the first half and Beyond Wrestling in the nightcap. One of the matches on the second show was to feature Joey Janela and Penelope Ford against Wheeler Yuta and "Hot Sauce" Tracy Williams, but Ford injured her hip last Wednesday taking a backpack stunner at one of those bar wrestling shows with no ring. Referee Bryce Remsburg chose a replacement from the hat, as is the custom in Chikara, or in this case, a show on Chikara's home turf. For those who don't know the gimmick, Remsburg will choose three names from the hat. The first two names are joke names of people who "aren't in the building" before getting the third name. The joke names in this case were DJ Hyde and Low Ki.

Both names were taken not in the spirit of fun, but because the people involved had axes to grind. I'm not bugged by the inclusion of Hyde, because really, the dude is kind of a snake, and Janela especially, who gave a lot of his blood, sweat, and tears to Combat Zone Wrestling only to get the boot because he also wanted to work Game Changer Wrestling, was right to lash out. Low Ki, however, was a low blow. Of course, Ki didn't exactly endear himself to the GCW crowd with his last minute cancellation from Matt Riddle's Bloodsport WrestleMania weekend in New Orleans. The story is that he injured himself while training, but he still took advantage of the plane tickets already reserved for him to go to New Orleans.

Of course, as is wont with pro wrestling situations, the fracas has played out in public. Low Ki shot a video response where he read a statement regarding his actions that weekend, and GCW promoter Brett Lauderdale gave a prolonged response in text format. One can be forgiven if they feel this is playing out like a work, but I feel like carnies like Ki and Lauderdale barely understand how to carry out business in any other manner. I mean, people who get into wrestling often let it seep into their entire being. The situation itself is very much a he said, he said thing, and it all depends on whom you believe more. Ki obviously has a reputation preceding him, but at the same time, how many promoters do you know who are trustworthy, and how does anyone outside of the GCW inner circle know how Lauderdale does business?

The telling thing in all of this is in Lauderdale's response:
Neither I, nor my partners are desperate for a refund on our deposit. My child will still go to summer camp, and she will still get gymnastic lessons.
Summer camp and gymnastics lessons aren't things that someone living on margins can afford. I'm not sure if Lauderdale is that successful with GCW or if he's got a shoot day job that allows him a chance to work a side hustle, but he told on himself in his reply to Ki here. Whatever Ki cost him couldn't keep him from giving his kid middle class privileges. So how much did he actually cost GCW, and if so, how much of those losses were passed down to the workers to help foment this kind of discord against someone who tried to figure out what his worth is? Fomenting that discord is also way easier when it's against a guy like Ki who has a reputation for taking liberties in the ring with his opponents.

With all that in mind, Ki becomes an easy target for everyone, the office and the boys alike. The promoters can use the fact that Ki is selfish and doesn't look out for the other wrestlers as cover for their motives. If Ki made them money, he'd have bookings lined up no matter what he might do in the ring, but he's taking money out of their pockets. The unnecessary and unwanted stiffness only provide proxy reasons for folks to jump on him. Granted, those things are incredibly bad. It's the reason why when this stuff broke, I was hesitant to go fully in defense of Ki, because I keep remembering back to EVOLVE 10, when he launched a kick into Ahtu's skull without any pullback and then expected him to continue working as if he didn't just knock him cold. But one instance of wrong has not a whole lot to do with another, and only one instance of perceived wrong has any currency with the powers that be. I'll give you a hint; it's the one that involves the exchange of paper.

The ostracization Ki is receiving from that corner over an unreturned deposit and the redemption of already-paid-for transportation (and I repeat not for taking liberties with other workers, which again is really bad an indefensible) shouldn't be eliminated from wrestling altogether, if I can write frankly. The people who deserve it are found throughout locker rooms around the world. They're the rapists, abusers, fascists, and others who continue to prey on those in the struggle who are weaker than they are. GCW continues to book SHLAK, for instance, whose stance on neo-Nazis and antifa is strange to say the least. When he says that he hates Nazis and antifa equally, even taken at face value (without noting that's usually code for "I'm totally still a Nazi but this is my half-hearted denial for saving face"), it's so weird to say that the people whose direct predecessors murdered 11 million people over a span of six years aren't demonstrably worse than the people, who have murdered zero people in their name, whose existence is impossible without the former group. Coupled with the pictures of him hanging around with known Nazis in the past that definitely exist, and it's a wonder why Lauderdale continues to book him or the boys continue to defend him. Oh wait, it's not a wonder. SHLAK is perceived as a draw, and he's never done any of the boys wrong, at least to their knowledge. If you can stick your head in the sand at people close to you at evidence suggesting they're not what they seem, human nature tells you that you can and should do it. I know from my own experiences, ones I regret now obviously.

But SHLAK is far from the only person who deserves the kind of dogpiling that Low Ki is getting right now. For one, Michael Elgin should never get a booking again, and yet, even in the furor of fan backlash, promoters like Ian Rotten and the people behind AAW still put him on their shows, if just as a surprise entry onto the card. Meanwhile, he's suing the person who has accused him of covering for her rapist for damage to his career all the while entering into a high-profile title program in the second biggest wrestling company in the fucking world right now. Go figure. Bram is another wrestler who continues to get shadowbookings despite never answering for his heinous accusations against him. The sad part is their peers continue to stick up for them rather than look at their situations critically and figuring out that they need to sort some shit out. Elgin has Dave Meltzer in his back pocket, while Bram was able to get a goddamn booking on the Flash Morgan Webster podcast to explain his side of things while his victim is living somewhere in the world right now with major psychological damage at the very least without an outlet to give her.

Imagine if just for one second that the vigor given to dogpiling someone like Low Ki or Sabu or even what was attempted on Matt Riddle was also given to rapists and abusers. Hell, what if the workers banded together and collectively bargained for a better piece of the pie from promoters instead of foolishly blaming people like Ki for the reason why their envelopes end up lighter than they were promised? A dogpile can be a powerful tool, but few people, especially in wrestling, end up using it for the right reason. If they banded together to punish Ki for his wanton stiffness, then that'd be one thing, but basically, this incident strays far from an area of justified action and into more a personal spat between two people, one between labor and capital. Everything done in wrestling is done in defense of capitalism, and it only benefits the people who already have money and power.

Meanwhile, the people who do cause damage to wrestling by acting as barriers for entire groups of fans for entry or who make those people who filter through feel incredibly unsafe are left unchecked because of misplaced feelings of loyalty or misguided estimations of their drawing power. It reinforces a status quo that is not worth saving. So many people in the business are concerned with its survival, but they barely can see one move ahead, and thinking about alienating some mouthy jerk who likes to tweet intimidating things to anyone who has a cross opinion, no matter how benign and how that fan is more worth keeping than the three or four women who might check wrestling out if not for the promotion of abusers and misogynist storylines. Then again, wrestling has almost never been associated with a cutting edge. The insistence at keeping the normal and insisting that things are going to turn around with the 80th try of the same damn thing is the textbook definition of insanity. The fact that resistance to change in a moral sense, to ostracize the violent elements and promote more inclusion, seems not only to be more strenuous than creative, but seems to be accepted as part of wrestling's DNA, is a depressing reminder that this art's finite time left on earth as a legitimate widespread arena for entertainment might be a lot shorter than anyone realizes.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for April 23, 2018

April 30, 2018, 4:45 pm
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Big Stoke holding court with Jaka, Faye Jackson, and MJF
Photo Credit: TH
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Stokely Hathaway (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Big Stoke Doin' Thangs hit a new high this weekend as not only did he successfully lead one client over another in Philly, but he defeated Nick Gage in Worcester in a match that I'm sure had no interference whatsoever from anyone affiliated with him. Add that in to the BOMBSHELL revelation that he acquired the master tapes from Marvin Gaye's estate and will be featuring him on his new album, and you've got one hell of a weekend for the reigning Manager of the Year.

2. Jordan Mailata (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Is Mailata, a six-foot-eight-inch, 348 pound MONSTER from Australia, a lock to make the Eagles' roster? No. Is he a lock even to translate his rugby skills to American football? Absolutely not. But am I gonna sit idly on the sidelines as my favorite team plucked an ideal sort of body from my mind in the seventh round of the NFL Draft Saturday in an attempt to give Carson Wentz's Prince Devitt his own Bad Luck Fale to carry around on his shoulders after winning a future Super Bowl? HELL FUCKING NO, I WAS HOOTING AND HOLLERING WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT PICK, BAYBAY YEAH.

3. Josh Brolin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did he have a star turn [REDACTED] half of the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] as Thanos, he staked his claim as another big antagonist in the trailers before Avengers: Infinity War as Cable in Deadpool 2, even if the real breakout star of that trailer was Peter, the normal guy who just wanted to be involved. I wonder if Sony's gonna try to get him to complete the Marvel Diaspora Trilogy and play Carnage in whatever sequel Venom spawns...

4. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 5) - On one hand, the Greatest Royal Rumble was an exercise in corporate greed generating entertainment bought and paid for for the purposes of propaganda for a murderous regime. On the other hand, Strowman winning his own title belt and the biggest Rumble match ever is pretty impressive.

5. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - Asuka lost another match on Tuesday. What does this mean? Absolutely nothing, because it was Becky Lynch who got pinned. Honestly, it's gonna take a lot of bad booking to submarine her, but you know Road Dogg is up for the challenge. Goddammit.

6. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 3) - He lasted 75 minutes in the Greatest Royal Rumble, a great majority of that time with his chest looking like ground beef after Roderick Strong decided to recreate the old days in mid-Aughts Ring of Honor. That is such a weird thing to describe though. Roddy Strong chopping Bryan Danielson in the chest until it was bloody raw in a WWE 50-person over the top battle royale in the middle of Saudi fucking Arabia. Wrestling is a weird, wild thing, man.

7. Ben Simmons (Last Week: 2) - The Sixers are in the second round of the playoffs and will be well-rested to face off against a bruised, beaten Boston Celtics squad. Even with the injuries on their side, it should be a good series that I hope Simmons will take over like the Aussie terminator he is and crush the hated Cs into oblivion en route to a hopeful Eastern Conference title.

8. Oceanea (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Really, I just want her to recruit more and more sea-themed wrestlers until she can produce a bizarre, frightening production of "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid, only as directed by Guillermo del Toro.

9. Bonefish Grill's Corn Crab Chowder (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Speaking of seafood, hey, the Mrs. and I pregamed Infinity War at the Bonefish Grill, and lemme tell ya, that signature soup is a good one. It not only has good depth and flavor, but it packs a little zing too. Perfect fare for preparing to watch a movie that rips your guts out with emotion. That wasn't a spoiler, was it?

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Now that tag team partner Danny Burch has been re-signed to a full-time WWE deal, the two can engage in some wild-ass hot tag porkin'.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 233

May 3, 2018, 12:45 pm
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What can WWE do to make Reigns at least as liked as Cena?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

To address the first part of the question, before WrestleMania 34, I wasn't so sure that Reigns was so universally hated as his crowd reactions might suggest. He's a top merchandise mover, and people in the audience do cheer for him. The dynamics changed though once Reigns again failed to beat Brock Lesnar not only at WrestleMania, but at Greatest Royal Rumble as well. I'm not sure how you can keep dragging him down the line if you're not going to pull the trigger on him as a guy who can get it done against the best competition on the biggest stages. Things might be different now if WWE had pulled the trigger on him in Santa Clara at Mania 31, but I covered that already. So how would I go about salvaging him? This topic is a favorite among other writers who like to do brainstorming sessions on a daily basis on the problem of WWE not getting its supposed "top guy" over. If you view Reigns as the ace, then yeah, this is a failed experiment, but honestly, a bigger picture view would reveal that WWE is probably past the idea that one singular top guy is needed, whether or not Vince McMahon knows it or not. Does one person sell the Network, or is it the brand? Has wrestling reached a stasis level where its popularity has leveled off to where people just watch wrestling to see the wrestling? It's all hard to say from a business standpoint.

From a creative standpoint though, Roman Reigns is a failed state as a top guy in the same way John Cena is one right now, so from a storytelling standpoint, the only route is probably to turn him heel and feed into his character's innate frustration at not being able to conquer Lesnar and his inability to turn wins over Triple H, Undertaker, and Braun Strowman into some kind of connection with the crowd. If I'm being honest, Reigns would be "fine" right now to people who are troubled by his reactions if he'd turned heel instead of Seth Rollins to break up The Shield. But I mean, I can't think of a guy who gets reactions and pushes shirts as someone who's a business failure. The temperature of the fan reactions isn't as important nowadays. The creative side, however, needs some rehab. So flip his script. He'll make more sense, and hell, knowing the contrarian dickhead nature of the hardcore fan who drives the volume at the arena, they'll probably end up start cheering him.

It is my favorite of the conjunctions, one thing I have in common with Finn Bálor.

I'm biased, but making the finals or even winning the Cup would be at best second behind the Eagles winning the Super Bowl at least. Did you know that? The Eagles won the Super Bowl. People seem to forget it already. Anyway, this year has had a lot of really good sports stories, but what's really got more pop than a first year team making a big run to the final round of its sport? I think win or lose, it's a huge story. If they win, it might be able to overcome the lethargy that hockey has amassed on the American sports landscape over the last couple of decades. Vegas would get bonus points for being an incredibly fun team. Gun to head, if I had to rank the "good story" quotient of teams, it'd be like this:

  1. Eagles - I'm a homer, but they were a really fun, socially conscious team that knocked off the Evil Empire in the biggest sporting event of the year
  2. Golden Knights - If they win, again, the cache of being a first-year expansion team winning it all would be pretty good.
  3. Astros - In addition to winning their first title, the 'Stros have the cache of winning "for" Houston after the floods.
  4. Sixers - Again, I'm a massive homer, but The Process Sixers are a fun team of youngsters who, if they win, would be an incredible story for how early they did after being competitive.
  5. Any other NBA team other than the Warriors - The Rockets would have the "transcendent superstar winning his title" in James Harden and also Chris Paul getting over the hump. The Jazz are a fun team in a small market. The Pelicans have the weird guy Anthony Davis dominating without his secondary superstar. The Celtics normally would be in "ugh" status, but they're too injured to be too hated if they make an unlikely run to the title. The Raptors would be overcoming a jinx, and unless you're Skip Bayless or a shitty White dude, you wanna see LeBron James win a title with the worst team that could possibly surround him.
  6. Any other NHL team, even the Penguins - This one would be the sort of baseline reaction, because again, the NHL doesn't really have the cache anymore, and no other team except maybe the Jets because of their Canadianness would register outside of the Knights.
  7. Sports ending - I mean, it would suck, but everyone would get used to it.
  8. Warriors - It's not that they're a bad team, but winning another title, third in four years, while being owned by tech dipshits, would be exasperating.
I think that's a pretty definitive ranking. go birds.


They could produce a standalone show theoretically, especially if the conglomerate got some kind of major financial backing from Sinclair/Ring of Honor or another really rich person who wanted to provide a tentpole for wrestling not under the Titan banner. However, I'm not sure you could really get that many egos together to run their shit together. Most indie promotions can barely function on their own as it is. You would need some kind of strong backing to get it together. New Japan can run a biggish show on their own because they're New Japan Pro Wrestling, with almost 50 years of history and corporate backing. Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks can run their show because they're entrepreneurs who have some money stashed away and also the numbers of the Bushiroad and Sinclair corporations in their phones. Asking a bunch of indies to get together to run their shit without any strong, singular backing would be asking for trouble.

I'm not with State Farm, so I don't have to call Jake late at night.

Oh, oh, oh, you mean Jake Arrieta. He's not been bad, posting some decent numbers. Obviously, he's not at his Cy Young levels from a few years ago, but something happened to him since them, maybe regression, maybe injury. I'm not really expecting him to be a secondary ace after Aaron Nola appears to be right now. But as long as he's keeping the ball down, getting strikeouts, and maintaining some semblance of luck behind a lineup slowly starting to find its groove, I'll be happy with him going forward.
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NXT In 60 Seconds

May 4, 2018, 9:00 am
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♬ That's how you know you fucked up ♬
Photo Credit: WWE.com
You Know Who: Here's the thing about us in the Era. We're not just fighters, not just champions, but givers.  I made Oney Lorcan famous last week.  "Who did Adam Cole"
Everybody, Even You: BAY BAY!
Cole: "beat in his first defense of the North American title?"  He should tell his kids, his grandkids, at least in his pathetic career, he got beat by me.
Kyle O'Reilly: LOL at Danny Burch running down for the quote-unquote save.  He got what he deserved.
Robert Pescado, Esq.: I'll let rehab know we'll be sending them more people.
Roderick Strong, Totally Disrupting the CFO Logo: I'm soooo sad for my old Best Friend Fivever Pete Dunne except the opposite of everything I just said.  He thought New Orleans was bad?  That's going to pale in comparison to tonight.
Cole: Adam Cole here, reminding you nerds once again we are untouchable — unstoppable  and undisputed.

Kairi Sane: comes out to a big pop
Shazza McKenzie: comes out to a decent pop, tries to share her heart with Kairi
Kairi: throws it up to share with the crowd Do you know what Gorsh means in Japanese?
Shazza: ...uhhhh...no?
Kairi: Give it a few seconds.
Shazza: ...oh, no.
Kairi: Double chops!  Interceptor!  Corner sliding K!  Kabuki elbow!  Alabama Slam!
Mauro Ranallo: Tokyo Slam!
Kairi: Even better!  Insane Elbow~!
Referee: Winner!
Lacey Evans: I am definitely out here as a lady to apologize and sure aren't going to punch you in the face!
Full Sailors: applaud
Kairi: uhhh
Full Sailors: chant No! D-Bry style
Lacey: PSYCHE PUNCH IN THE MOUTH
Full Sailors: BOOO!
Kairi: ow
Shazza: ...oh, you're like "ow"

The Lovely Cathy Kelley: Candice, do you have an update on Johnny's condition?
The Saddened Candice LeRae: It hasn't been an easy year.  It started off so well. I got signed and Johnny had his title match, and we — I ——it was beyond best friend, he was like a brother. Why is he doing this?  I thought we thought we were done with this.  crying My husband left on a stretcher last week, and for what?  cries some more I... I have to go get ready for my match.  leaves

Street Profits: come out to a pop
TM61: also come out to a pop
Mauro: Both teams need a win here.
Montez: Spin heel kick!  Dropkick the Aussies!
TM61: Back suplex ^ Eddy style slingshot senton bomb combo!  Standing moonsault and fisdrop combo!
Full Sailors: chant for both teams
Hot Tags: are served
Shane: rolls up Montez, then puts his feet on the ropes
Nick: sees this, then helps hold them down
Everybody But The Referee Because That's How This Works: HEY!
Referee: Winners!
Profits: But they...
TM61: smirk the smirk of the re-established black hatters

God's Production Team: video package to set up War Raiders/Heavy Machinery next week
Certain People Who Run This Site: TAG HOSS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

The Lovely Cathy Kelley: Kassius, we saw you help with Johnny last week.  What are your thoughts on the situation?
KO1.0: I've known Johnny over ten years.  I know what kind of person he is and what Ciampa's become — an opportunistic coward.  Johnny's like family so when I saw him look absolutely helpless I knew despite all evidence to the contrary that I was the man to make Tomasshole feel that same way come next week.

Kona Reeves: comes out more orange than Fearless Leader's dandruff, beats on an NPC I'm the Finest!  I'm Kona Reeves!
Full Sailors: ...uh, okay
Reeves: Gutwrench suplex!  Trust fall second rope elbow!  Modified Samoan drop!
Referee: Winner!
Full Sailors: ...uh, okay

Dakota Kai, Earlier Today: The women's revolution just gets stronger.  Ember and, as much as I hate to admit it, the Double Eye Conics open up new opportunities in our division, and I want to make my mark.
Reporter: Any comment on your run ins with the NXT World Women's Champion Shayna Baszler?
Kai, Changing Dramatically: I Do Not Want To Talk About Shayna.  DO.  NOT.
Vanessa Borne: Look at this pathetic, sad scaredy cat.  If Shayna tried that with me I'd slap the bitch out of her.
Bald, African-American Reporter: But you said it, though.  You said bitch?
Kai: I'm not afraid of you.  I can take you on.

Candice: comes out somewhat listlessly, barely remembering to smile
Bianca: comes out with her usual swagger Yeah, this ain't gonna end up well for you.  Beating ensues!  Deadlift press into a Snake Eyes!
Everybody Ever, Even You: holy shit that's a thing wtf
Bianca: Torture Rack!
Candice: shiiit I need to fight back.  Forearms!  Chops!  Missile dropkick!  Tornado DDT!
Bianca: yeahno.  Alley Oop!
Referee: Winner!

Strong: swags out with a dope new jacket, his new belt, and his new backup
Bell: rings
Dunne: rings Roddy's bell with a hard forearm So YOUR life is forfeit.  Pummelling!
Roddy: Counter dropkick to a dive!  Backbreaker into the apron!  GUNSHOT chop!  Backplex backbreaker!
Pete: Counter X-Plex!
Full Sailors: Bruiserweight!  Bruiserweight!
Pete: Step up Owenzuigiri!  Second rope flying stomp to the arm!
Roddy: GEEEEYOD THAT SUCKED tosses Pete to the floor out of desperation
the Era: Look at us not getting involved!
Roddy: Knee Trembler on the way back in!  Butterfly backbreaker!  Second rope Angle Slam!
Pete: Kickout!  See that picture?
Roddy: What pic—oh, noooo JESUS H VISHNU I NEED THOSE FOR LIFE
Pete: Corner beatdown!  Snap German!  Penalty enzui kick!  BITTER BLOODY END!
the Era: Look at us getting involved!
Referee: Disqualification!  The guy getting his ass kicked is the winner!
Danny Burch and Oney Lorcan: We're here for porkin'— uh, running in for the save!
Pete Dunne: recovers enough to help them clear the ring
the Era: look shocked and appalled, but hold up their belts on the way to retreat
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for May 7, 2018

May 7, 2018, 4:30 pm
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Did Bryan make Cass look somewhat passable in the ring? YES! YES! YES!
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 6) - Look, his match vs. Big Cass wasn't exactly a match of the year candidate. I hesitate to call it good because it was just so... boring. However, I found myself rapt at points because Bryan put the weight of the world on his shoulders and tried making someone who has looked good in the ring exactly once — when he didn't have to sell for a literal rapist while kicking his ass — appear as if he was worthy of the kind of push that was in his future. I mean, he had to guide Cass' arm into position so he could get the finish he wanted, and it didn't even feel forced, which is something. Again, that match kinda was just "there," but it's proof positive that the wrestling world is seeing its GOAT, its LeBron James. Hm, interesting, keep that name in mind...

2. Nachos (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - The improper way to have celebrated Cinco de Mayo this past Saturday would've been to dress up in a poncho or a sombrero, speak in bad, exaggerated accents, and get piss drunk. I did not celebrate in that manner. No, my kid wanted to have Mexican, so we went to the local strip mall taco joint, which is owned and operated by ethnic Mexicans, and had dinner. Nachos may not be mole poblano or some other super authentic Mexican dish, but they get the job done, man, a messy, tasty, crunchy dish that can be eaten as a snack, or in my case, a totally grown up dinner.

3. LeBron James (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Okay, so the Sixers are pretty much shitting the bed in round two against an infirmed Celtics team. Que sera sera, the hated dickbags from New England put together a good team even with Kyrie Irving (and Gordon Hayward) injured. The Process was never supposed to manifest a true contender until next year anyway. So, let me talk about LeBron James for a minute, because how the fuck is he doing what he's doing? The Raptors shouldn't be buckling like this against James and a team of guys who might have won 30 games with someone who merely made an All-Star team this replacing the King, but they're shook. Hell, when the Cavs came up the floor in Game Three and James put up that wobbler, did anyone have any doubt that it was going in? No? That's how you know you're watching greatness manifested. Anyone who doesn't want this guy on their team is either a massive hater or is pretending to be one for fiduciary benefit.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 5) - Backlash was so bad last night that I'm pretty sure Asuka made out like a bandit by not being on the card.

5. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 4) - Honestly, Backlash was terrible last night, and part of that reason was they put Strowman in the cooldown match between the Groin Strikers Ball and the main event. Like, how the fuck do you do that? Ugh, anyway, someone found Ryback on Tinder, and it only goes to show that he's utterly outclassed by the Monster Among Men, even on dating social media. And I LIKE The Big Guy. He's no Strowman though.

6. Danjerhawk (Last Week: Not Ranked) - On one hand, having him win the Chikara Infinite Gauntlet (their answer to the Royal Rumble) in his first match seems really, really, really fishy, like Carpenter Ant winning Cibernetico in 2009. For those who don't know, Carpenter Ant debuted around the same time as Green Ant did in 2009 as a replacement for the original Worker Ant in The Colony, but he turned out to be an infiltrator. He unmasked as Pinkie Sanchez at the finale that year and revealed himself a member of the newly formed Bruderschaft des Kreuzes. On the other hand, regardless of whether he's a Wrestle Factory dude or someone playing possum, the huevos on Chikara to pull off the "debuting guy wins the big battle royale" thing that WWE would never in a trillion years have the courage to do is pretty neat.

7. Jordynne Grace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I can think of few people better to put against Shazza McKenzie while she's on American holiday than Thicc Mama Pump. She's as good in the ring as she is owning dorks on Twitter, so she'll be a fixture in this crazy thing for a good long time, think. Plus she brought the fuckin' bearhug back as a legit finish.

8. Marc-Andre Fleury (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Vegas Golden Knights have advanced to the Western Conference Finals in their first year as a team. Fleury had two shutouts in their second-round win against the Sharks, which might end up being hilarious if the Capitals knock his former team out of the playoffs tonight. Please note that I have no faith in the Caps to close this series out. Hell, even if they don't, Penguins/Knights is on the table for the Stanley Cup Finals, and how hilarious would it be if Vegas won the Cup riding the goalie the Pens shot out of town for being so streaky?

9. Zack Sabre, Jr. (Last Week: Not Ranked) - This entry is a breaking news thing, as he won PROGRESS' Super Strong Style 16 over... Kassius Ohno? I guess WWE's wrestler lending program reaps some benefit. Anyway, Sabre continues to be vocal in using his position as world wrestling superstar to help end neoliberalism and brutally smash fascism. In an industry where everyone thinks libertarianism is something better than astrology for men, I'm hoping Sabre will continue to armbar the shit out of global capitalism. Plus, since he's a member of Suzuki-gun, it can be reasonably assumed that Murder Grandpa himself is probably a socialist. If the world's left has two of the most technically proficient and badass wrestlers on their side, who can be against them?

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Wouldn't it be nice if Pete Dunne and Danny Burch were able to harness the power of PORKIN to help take down the Undisputed Era?
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On the Road Again and Again and Again and Again

May 8, 2018, 10:45 am
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The Greatest Royal Rumble only added to WWE superstar stress and strain
Photo Credit: WWE.com
WrestleMania was 30 days ago today, in New Orleans, LA. From there, WWE went on a tour that, excluding North American house shows, went to southern New England, South Africa, St. Louis, Louisville, Saudi Arabia, Montreal, Long Island, and then Baltimore tonight for Smackdown. After tonight, the company will ship out across the Atlantic for its semiannual tour of Europe. I don't know about you, but that's a grueling schedule if I ever saw one. Like, that's a schedule that I would strategically schedule a month off after just to give my roster a well-deserved break. Well, scratch that, I'd probably have scheduled international tours around buffers and not taken Saudi blood money to put on a gaudy, barely canonical show weeks after WrestleMania.

But the gap between my philosophy in human resources management and Vince McMahon's is wider than three Pacific Oceans. Not only does McMahon keep the grind on his roster 365 days a year, but it has now become a selling point. Michael Cole at several points the last two nights proudly advertised how WWE has "no offseason," and that these wrestlers, I'm sorry, "sports entertainers" are happy to be on the road ad infinitum to perform for you. Of course, that sentiment is somewhat noble, but it's also couched in the wholly incorrect capitalist chestnut "The Customer Is Always Right." At some point, the employer should feel some moral obligation to provide rest for their labor, even if that labor is inaccurately categorized as under independent contract.

This four-continents-in-six-weeks swing is yet another in extreme examples of demand that WWE places on its roster, but not to get things twisted over here, even if WWE ran only its old territorial loop for as many dates as it does in total today, one, that would be an excessive amount of dates at Madison Square Garden, and it would still be indiscriminately taxing workers' bodies, especially in a line of work that chews up and spits out health like a baseball player consumes chaw. Every job has its own unique set of stresses and strains, but in a medium such as wrestling where the performers have to live out of suitcases to fall on hard surfaces with increasing degrees of escalation compared to 20, 30 years ago, the physical tolls are among the worst.

The fruits of this increase in demand on wrestler bodies bloom in the form of increased injuries and diminished reactions for in-ring beats. Wearing that status as a badge of honor might seem counterproductive to a healthy industry until you realize that industrialists don't really care about labor and the physical tolls on their bodies. Even if all the data suggests that better-rested workers produce a better quality product, the answer from management is always getting as much productivity for as little cost as possible. It's classic virtue signaling. To the masses, the eternal schedule suggests "dedication" from the wrestler, because the management/capital class has brainwashed the average American to believe that a good worker happily sacrifices self for greater good, in this case "greater good" meaning "more corporate profits."

But to others in the capital class, it's a total smoke signal showing that McMahon is good at capitalism. He's successfully broken his roster from wanting anything for themselves but glory in the ring or reactions from crowds. He's showing the rest of industry, not just wrestling, but all of his capitalist peers, that he knows how to play the game. That game causes more injuries, more premature deaths, shorter careers, and a demonstrably worse product, but it also results in more money in his pocket. WWE revenues are higher than they've ever been, and these international excursions, at least the one to Jeddah, are proving to be cash cows. Who cares if Dean Ambrose and Jason Jordan missed WrestleMania or if big Network events just start to unravel into loose, sloppy affairs? Vince McMahon can buy himself another yacht, dammit!

Backlash was a terrible show not just because of creative decisions or booking. It wasn't necessarily bad because the workers were structurally bad, outside of maybe Big Cass forgetting how to resist a submission hold, but even then, how much of that snafu was on him being inexperienced and not on him being inexperienced but also tired as shit after working nearly non-stop and flying all over the world? Being tired affects the best and the worst. I'm not saying if he was well-rested, he'd have all of a sudden been Stan Hansen, but that kind of shit has an effect.

Pro wrestling likes to compare itself to sports and serialized television, but every sport has an offseason, and no TV show goes 52 weeks a year. McMahon never developing object permanence means he probably doesn't believe the fans he holds in contempt as he angles for their money have it either. People will still come back to RAW if it takes a month off. People will still watch and be fans of WWE even if they can't attend a live show. Meanwhile, it would drastically improve the quality of life for the performer if they got to enjoy the houses they bought or the other pleasures in their lives for more than like three hours at a time. If McMahon is never going to pay them true market value, the least he could do is give them some fucking time off from the grind.
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On Clean Finishes on Tuesday Night

May 9, 2018, 10:45 am
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A clean pin isn't a death sentence, no matter how wrestling has conditioned you to think so
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Brian "Road Dogg" James and Michael PS Hayes have not really garnered the most sterling reputation for running Smackdown. Their creative decisions have often left viewers unsatisfied, turning a critical favorite during the early days of this round of brand extension into a wholly forgettable show, which is not an insignificant task when the Blue roster included AJ Styles, Shinsuke Nakamura, Sami Zayn, Kevin Owens, Rusev, New Day, the Usos, Charlotte Flair, Becky Lynch, and Naomi, among others. The latest Superstar Shakeup shoveled even more prime talent onto Tuesday nights. In addition to gaining Daniel Bryan as a full-time wrestler rather than an authority figure again, Smackdown traded Zayn, Owens, and some chaff for Samoa Joe, Asuka, The Miz, The Bar, and Jeff Hardy from RAW, in addition to SANitY, Andrade "Cien" Almas, and the Iiconics from NXT, but one couldn't be helped from wondering if that infusion of talent would just go to waste under the brutally inadequate creative direction.

Having watched Smackdown for the last month since Mania, it's clear to see that the creative direction still leaves a lot to be desired. Whether it be using "I BIG, HE WIDDLE" as a feud starter between Big Cass and Bryan, the vaguely racist character direction of Nakamura, or the fact that Asuka has gone from having a STREAK to barely being featured, it's clear James and Hayes are in over their heads when it comes to crafting overall stories and narratives that are meant to guide wrestlers between matches and give reason to have the matches. That being said, Smackdown hasn't been as dreadful a watch as it has been before WrestleMania from a direction standpoint, which mostly has to do with the finishes of matches.

Case in point last night, all three of the Money in the Bank qualifying matches had clean finishes. The most notable one, Rusev over Bryan with the Machka Kick, was shocking because Rusev didn't appear to have much of a story going on while Bryan, one might think, would be protected. However, because it was shocking doesn't mean it was necessarily bad. Forget what you might think about booking consequences and stories. Forget your theories about crowd reactions dictating who gets into what match, or health concerns about putting a recent returnee from concussion-related retirement into a high-impact ladder match. The Smackdown team had the temptation to put Rusev over Bryan with shenanigans, and it didn't. The same went for Miz over Hardy and Flair over Peyton Royce (or in that case, shenanigans causing a reversal of fortune).

Having clean finishes in those matches makes a bold statement, and in my view, a good one, and in a post-Vince Russo landscape, especially in WWE, it can bolster a unique identity for one of the main two brands without doing a whole lot of major institutional changes. In a company where one expects interference to run rampant, using the clean finish helps keep the audience on its toes. It can also buttress the idea that pro wrestling still has a "sports" ethos to it, enhancing kayfabe just by ensuring that not every other match has a theatrical finish to it. You don't need to run a shoot-style promotion in order to convince the audience, even if just in the moment, that you are pretending to be sports-based. I think Chikara, the company with living science experiments, canon time-travel, and mind-control instrumentation, has proven that with its point system deciding who challenges for the top titles.

Most of all, it conditions fans not to believe a loss is equal to a burial. In the Russo-influenced days, clean losses were hard to come by because it was his belief that everyone deserved to remain strong, that losses might diminish someone's crowd reaction. That belief is where his booking philosophy, one that WWE continued to utilize to varying degrees after he left, came from. If someone had to lose, it had to be screwy. In reality, clean losses themselves don't diminish a wrestler as much as a clean loss coupled with a bad story or no story at all would. Losses can be as much a storytelling tool as wins are when they are given context.

Again, going back to the main event last night, Bryan didn't lose anything putting Rusev over clean, and the focus was on him after the match. Commentary spoke about his demeanor and what the loss meant for him, and cameras trained on his sullen expressions and sunken shoulders while seated on the apron. It was poignant, even for wrestling. What would have been the alternate? Big Cass' interference directly causing the loss? That kind of story building has become such a cliche that it becomes expected. The clean loss now opens Bryan up to more options going forward. Does he continue on the Cass feud, explaining away that the physical toll from the match and the beatdown afterwards cost him against a more rested and much better Super Athlete? The storytelling can also shift to be more introspective. It can also be used to jump-start the cold war with Miz into a hot feud, especially since Miz won his match cleanly.

Of course, the losses that follow within the rules of the sporting DNA of pro wrestling don't automatically forgive the shoddy writing and framing from James and Hayes. Smackdown still has to get from this finish to the next match, and I would feel a lot more comfortable if someone like Ryan Ward were helming the creative front (even if he's way, way, WAY too reliant on worked shoots, but that's a whole other thing). You still have to deal with Nakamura forgetting how to speak English and turn into Toru Yano as a heel because I assume someone in the writer's room watched New Japan once or twice and thought it was funny. But working in the confines of a set of rules that you set for yourself can work to make a lot of that palatable at least. Why have a standing ten-count if no one's going to lose to it, and what better way to get there than by stereo, mutual kicks to the dick? It's how Smackdown can get the most out of its roster, or at the very least allow the roster to shine through better and hide the deficiencies of the writers' room rather than the overbearing creative bankruptcy of the people framing the action overcoming the talent in the ring.
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Search

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 234

May 10, 2018, 7:00 am
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One of the all-time great title retentions
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

For the purposes of this exercise, I am totally counting WWE Women's Championships, whether main roster or NXT. Chronological and off the top of my head.
  • Mitsuharu Misawa vs. Toshiaki Kawada, All-Japan Super Power Series Day 16, June 3, 1994 - Considered by many to be the greatest match of all-time, I watched this six or seven years after the fact on grainy VHS and was immediately hooked to a wider world of pro wrestling than what was going on on American cable television on Monday nights. It was just a mastery in brutality without the weapons and a clinic in escalation. I would recommend it to anyone.
  • Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart, WWE SummerSlam, August 29, 1994 - Is it the greatest cage match of all-time? It wouldn't be a very high bar to clear, at least in WWE, but man, the Hart Brothers really knew how to work a wrestling match, especially with each other, didn't they?
  • Bill Goldberg vs. Diamond Dallas Page, WCW Halloween Havoc, October 25, 1998 - In retrospect, would it have been better to have had Page win the title here and not deal with the messy clusterfuck of involving Goldberg's title reign ending in nWo fuckery. I think the rib tape added several layers of enjoyment here.
  • Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan, Best Two-of-Three Falls, WWE Extreme Rules, April 29, 2012 - For as angry as I was when Bryan lost the title, I couldn't be mad at him not getting it back here, because him and Sheamus just kicked each other's asses in what might have been the highlight match of one of WWE's strongest in-ring pay-per-views ever. I guess whether you want to call it the best on the card depends on how you feel about John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar.
  • Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch, NXT Takeover: Unstoppable, May 20, 2015 - The Bayley matches were great, but I feel like Banks and Lynch having this match at that time was the most important of the Boss' title reign, because it did a world of good for the mystique of the Horsewomen, mainly because Lynch hadn't really found her footing yet.

I feel you, man. I've hit doldrums more often than not, and I blame WWE being spotty but also being a dad with increasing responsibilities at work, limiting my time and means to check out alternatives. Lately, I've been obsessively grinding in Pokémon Ultra Moon, trying to get about 400 or so Pocket Monsters up to level 100 and facing down the Battle Tree to earn BP. If Pokémon isn't your thing, I hear video games are a diverse and varied genre of entertainment. This Fortnite game sounds like something everyone's playing, and not only is it interactive, but you can get just as mad as you do at too good players sniping you from behind as you can with bad and stupid booking decisions!

It's funny that you put these two guys in juxtaposition, because they both misused rosters featuring Kevin Steen/Owens and El Generico/Sami Zayn. Before you say "well maybe it's the wrestlers and not the bookers," please note that Gabe Sapolsky, Super Dragon, and Paul Levesque didn't seem to have problems utilizing their talents effectively, and it's also not like Brian James or Cornette really lit the world on fire with the rest of their rosters. Anyway, as much as I am loath to do so, I gotta give the edge to James here, because in 2009, Ring of Honor had not yet gotten backing from Sinclair and thus it could be argued that Cornette was doing the best he could with limited resources, and in terms of baffling choices as Champion, at least Davey Richards had non-ironic fans when Cornette strapped him. I'm not sure Jinder Mahal was all that popular in his home country at the time, and that title reign, regardless of what pro-WWE trolls would have you believe, did nothing to foster that relationship with the budding market. I'm not saying Cornette did a good job for ROH, but it feels like his "bad" was garden variety compared to what James did with Smackdown in the last year.

Protected user @adamsgroove asks:
Who wins the Money in the Bank ladder matches, and who do the winners cash in on, and when?
Your winners are going to be Andrade "Cien" Almas and Sarah Logan. One will cash in almost immediately, my guess being Almas, who'll cash in on AJ Styles. I don't think that feud will go into SummerSlam, but Almas will walk in and perhaps out of Brooklyn as Champion facing a challenge from Daniel Bryan. Logan will wait until Ruby Riott has won the RAW Women's Championship to cash in, thus causing a fissure within the Riott Squad. It will also be the impetus for Riott to assume her natural role as elemental white meat babyface and for Logan to rise to her potential as being a big rowdy ass-kickin' heel.

It might be the recency bias talking, but man, Prince Hans from Frozen was quite the doozy. Even though the signs were all present that Anna wasn't going to end up with him and rather be bound to Kristof, I didn't think Hans would be the villain of the movie, just a love triangle dude who may have ended up being aloof and not a right fit for him.
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NXT In 60 Seconds

May 11, 2018, 7:00 am
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Tommaso Ciampa: the root canal of people
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Full Sailors:Rick O' Shea! Rick O'Shea!
Ricochet: I've always wanted to make sure people around the world remember me. I'm going to take over. Confidence/cocky/whatever, but each and every time I come out I prove I'm The One and Only (be prepared to buy the shirt). I want what I've wanted all year: championship gold.
After A Timely Interruption, Full Sailors: Velveteen! Velveteen!
Velveteen Dream: Who's given you the authority to come out and just get title shots? Babe, I need you to take a step back. You hit your catchphrase, and you do make this look good — but there's only one Dream.
Full Sailors: Velveteen! Velveteen!
Velveteen: You can jump around trying to make a name for yourself, but whether you flip or flop...
Full Sailors: ooooooohhhhhh
Velveteen: You better land in the back of the line behind the Dream.
Full Sailors: ooooohhhh
Ricochet: laughs a little I'm new, but I know who you are. You made the universe say your name. Even the champ!
Full Sailors: Velveteen! Velveteen!
Velveteen: "cleans out his ears"
Ricochet: Of course, he said it after he knocked you the eff out...
Velveteen: Don't get cute. You keep talking and Dream Over won't just be a phrase but reality.
Ricochet: I'll run circles around you. You're good, but you ain't me. If this is your show and your spotlight, enjoy it while you can, 'cause I'm here to steal both.
Velveteen: The candy doves out here here believe you, it's funny. You can try, but anything you can do, I can do better.
Ricochet: Prove it. mic drop
Velveteen: mic drop, fakes a punch
Ricochet: stands there smiling
Velveteen: does his backwards crawl out of the ring and poses on the ramp

Raul Mendoza: yells excitedly
EC3: apparently already has his banger theme song memorized
Full Sailors: EC3! EC3!
Other Full Sailors, Then All: NX3! NX3!
Raul: I'm screwed, huh?
EC3: Yup.
Raul: But I'm so fast and nimble
EC3: And yet, able to be caught. Alley Oop corner powerbomb! Multi Million Dollar Kneelift! EKO!
Referee: Winner!
EC3: (post-match interview) I fell short at Takeover, but so what? Adversity makes a man, and I've got the mind of a scientist, the body of a deity, and precision in that ring. I'm going to keep winning until I rebrand this place NX3 — the best here, there, anywhere, and the top 1% of this industry remains the same: EC3.

Oney Lorcan, Last Week (Not Here For Porkin', But Furious): marches up to Pete Dunne We don't like you.
Danny Burch, Student of History: Especially me.
Oney: You're a piece of garbage. You know that, right?
Pete: shrugs while still glaring back
Oney: You don't like them, and we don't either. Three on three?
Pete: tense nod
the 1-2 Combo: tensely nod back — later in the show the trios match is made official

Dakota Kai: goes for her Helluva Kick way too early
Vanessa Borne: dodges it and takes her down Cheer for me!
Full Sailors: No!
Borne: controls Kai briefly on the mat
Dakota: Yeah, no. You're not the Big Bad. Front kicks! Helluva kick! Basement knee facewash!
Full Sailors: Team Kick WHOOP WHOOP Team Kick WHOOP WHOOP
Dakota: Sunset flip Lungblower!
Referee: Winner!
Shayna Baszler's Music: brings out Shayna Baszler
Dakota Kai's Face: FUCK THE ENTIRETY OF THIS SHIT
Shayna: smiles the entire time on her way to the ring, backs Dakota into the corner, then wheels and Kurifidas Borne for talking shit about her a couple weeks ago, smiling at Kai the entire time
Dakota: makes sure she isn't under attack then slowly retreats from the ring and to the back
Shayna: eventually releases the hold

Cathy Kelley, Sup: What just happened out there? What's with the mental hold the champion seems to have on y...
Dakota: (tersely) I don't know what just happened, okay? I won, and then Shayna just put Vanessa to sleep OH GOD SHE'S HERE
Shayna: still smiling at first Do something! You want to stop me? not smiling now The captain of Team Kick, yeah? Kick me!
Tumbleweed: thinks of passing by and decides not to
Shayna: What's the matter?
Tumbleweed's Internal Monologue: I feel good about the choice I just made.
Shayna: That's what I thought. lingers, then walks off
Dakota: clearly some combination of sad, angry, and whatever the female equivalent of emasculated is
Off Screen Cackling: is loud
Camera: pans following Dakota's eyes
Nikki Cross: continues cackling

Certain People Who Run This Website: TAG HOSS FIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTT!
Both Heavy Machinery and War Raiders: having heard the edict, all throw hands on each other
CPWRTW: YES. YES, THIS IS A GOOD.
War Raiders: And yet, big as you are, our hands are bigger. use them repeatedly FALLOUT!
Referee: Winners!

Ciampa: comes out to everybody's hatred, even yours
Full Sailors: ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!
And Also: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
And Let's Not Forget: YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!
Ohno: marches out to the ring with no posing and starts yelling at him the moment he gets in the ring Wrecking ball dropkick! Senton! And now I
Ciampa: Miss. Knee Trembler! Stomp stomp stompity stomp with a side of boot choke!
Full Sailors: OHNO OHNO OHNO!
Ciampa: What are you, his big brother? He's not worth it, Ohno! He's not worth it! These knees in a cravate are, though!
Ohno: finally gets out from under Bicycle kick! Boot choke receipt! works over the eye Johnny blackened in N'awlinsnd drops his knee pad Sheer kneedrop! Cravate Franchiser!
Ciampa: Kickout. Is it worth it?
Ohno: kicks him down You tell me, huh?
Ciampa: hides behind Drake then lands a forearm flurry
Ohno: Bicycle kick! High Tension...
Ciampa: yeahno ENZUI KNEE TREMBLER YEP
Ohno: Kickout. Forearm! Bigger forearm! ROLLING ELB
Ciampa: MURDERDISCUSKILL LARIAT! Rolling cutter!
Drake: Winner!
Full Sailors: You still suck! You still suck!
Ciampa: takes off his brace and chokes Ohno with it just like he was a Gargano in New Orleans I told you it wasn't worth it!
Ohno: ugggh
Full Sailors: all varying shades of displeased
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To Leave or Not to Leave, The Daniel Bryan Question

May 11, 2018, 10:00 am
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Is Bryan a geek? Who cares, it's not really germane to whether he should stay unless he thinks it is.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Bryan Danielson should quit WWE, inasmuch as I think every wrestler should quit WWE. Vince McMahon holds too much power in the wrestler-promoter dynamic, and he sets the worst examples for other promoters with his blatant disregard for the independent contractor label and his bullying of the collective vis a vis unionization. A mass exodus from WWE by the workforce would force his hand and "allow" unionization (inasmuch as capital can allow or disallow the attempts at collectivization). Danielson would be a powerful figurehead to lead the movement, or hey, he'd be just fine being a part of the exodus. Hell, even if he alone just left WWE over the unfair labor practices, he'd be making a powerful statement in and of itself. As the leftist kids would say, it'd just be good praxis.

Chatter supporting Danielson, or Daniel Bryan as he's called in WWE parlance, leaving WWE is buzzing around right now, but sadly, the reasoning isn't nearly as interesting as it would be if he was sick and tired of being sick and tired of McMahon's bullshit. Bryan lost a match clean as a sheet Tuesday night, and folks, spearheaded by rape apologist Dave Meltzer, think he's already a "geek" and should consider leaving the company. Smackdown's creative track record bears this out, even after only a month back on the roster as a full-time talent. Even though I'm a fan of clean finishes and don't necessarily think Bryan is "buried" by the clean loss, one cannot look at the last year of Brian James and Michael PS Hayes running the Blue Brand and think anyone but Shane McMahon has been presented as both important and not impotent. Even AJ Styles feels like a footnote, and in theory, he's received the most protection. It's a function of corporate malaise influencing writing to please shareholders rather than writing something compelling, even if it's not bold.

Leaving for creative misuse is certainly valid. Really, labor should have the right to leave capital for any reason a singular person deems fit, and this arena is another where WWE abuses the immense power it has over its "independent contractors." Just look at how long it took Rey Mysterio, Jr. to get from final WWE match to his release from the company or how Neville is currently at home in England instead of working the indies. It also bears noting that Meltzer, who has conflated the term "mark" with the n-word and has brushed off domestic violence allegations against wrestlers in his favorite company, has a reason to exhort Bryan to leave WWE over what he sees as creative malfeasance. He's all but financially tied to the All In show, and his coverage of New Japan Pro Wrestling is more advertising than journalistic in nature. To take his word for anything regarding someone who could potentially boost brands he's entangled with would be a mistake.

That being said, less financially biased sources agree with him that Bryan is now a "geek" which might be true. At this point, I'm not sure, because it's so early, and Bryan has overcome WWE's attempts at making him a flat, featureless geek in the past through sheer force of will. Other people who have far more faith in WWE booking want the complaints to cease because "the story is just beginning" or whatever. Honestly, I'm not sure how anyone can give WWE the benefit of the doubt in terms of any long-term booking. Even the best things the main roster creative team has ever done have come by total accident. Either way though, the war of takes is a tiring exercise and like with every other hot button wrestler in the last decade, from CM Punk to Roman Reigns, it can sap the joy out of watching this thing called wrestling, even if it's the company that by design tries to sap the joy out of its own product itself. It's amazing to see how well the roster can overcome bad booking and writing, but that's a whole other topic.

Anyway, the takes war comes down to whether you want the convenience of seeing Bryan work every week on cable television and The Award Winning™ WWE Network or if you don't mind doing some digging and seeing Bryan Danielson wrestle matches against a better slate of opponents with more creative freedom afforded to himself. Of course, other factors are in play here. Bryan leaving WWE to go work in the ecosystem would strip him of a few fringe benefits even as he gains creative freedom. Additionally, any good by him telling the (Mc) Man to shove it would be undone when he goes to work for other corporately owned promotions like Bushiroad or Sinclair or for any number of shady, small-time promoters who think they're McMahon because they have "the book." At the end of the day, the correct answer is "whatever Bryan Danielson chooses for himself going forward."

Wrestling is a goddamn shitty business, so shitty that only real way to navigate it in some moral sense is to trust labor do to what it feels is right and keep fighting for social change from whatever perch you're seated. If Bryan chooses the path that allows him to wrestle the people he's been tweeting about wrestling, like Rush or Minoru Suzuki, then that's great. If he stays with WWE and opts for the money, which Samoa Joe angrily reminded everyone is the best in the business (yet still woefully inadequate for what these performers put themselves through), then that's fine too. It's not like his matchups for the biggest corporate company on earth are actively bad either. He's not the best goddamn wrestler in history for no reason, you know.

So as with most debates in the Twittersphere, it's all just a lot of hot air over a wrestler who, like every wrestler to be honest, deserves to decide his career path with his own complete agency. Personally, I think every wrestler should quit every company on earth until they all agree to unionize and collectively bargain for better working conditions. Until that happens, whatever Bryan decides for himself should be good enough for anyone discussing his career as long as he's the one totally in control.
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Power to the Proletariat: All In Sells Out

May 14, 2018, 10:05 am
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The Bucks and their business partners scored a major victory with All In ticket sales
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Tickets to All In went on sale at 4 PM Eastern Daylight Time yesterday. At 4:29 PM EDT, tickets had sold out. Capacity at the Sears Centre in Hoffman Estates, IL is over 10,000, so Cody Rhodes, Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson, Kenny Omega, Marty Scurll, and Adam Page hit their goal in less time than it takes for the average sitcom to air on network television. This victory is personal for the wrestlers who set out to promote the show. It's also a victory for independent wrestling. However, most of all, it is a victory for labor against capital in an industry where capital is more superfluous than in other industries but where it's treated as far more essential for some reason.

While the former Elite faction of the Bullet Club (in kayfabe, they're going through a few things right now) have contracts with New Japan Pro Wrestling and American backing from Ring of Honor, this venture has been clear from the beginning that it was a personal challenge. Rhodes and the Jacksons specifically had no real backing from anyone corporate. All In has been a labor by labor the whole way through, unless you count their financial influx through sponsors. Then again, sponsorships have been self-gotten, so basically the money coming in from Cracker Barrel and other corporate donors was the fruit of their labor. Because of that work, All In will gross more than $500K just on ticket sales alone.

The common knowledge in wrestling is that no one outside of Vince McMahon could promote a show stateside and draw five or more figures, and that no one can produce a show, period, without some kind of backing from capital, someone who wouldn't work the show but reap unequal financial benefits from it just by providing money up front. Cutting out the middleman of the promoter should put the fear of God into McMahon and his corporate machine. It should also be a wake-up call to an eerily conservative wrestling locker room to figure out their worth, which is a lot higher than they think it is right now. Basically, All In proves to the wrestling world that labor has the power, if Pro Wrestling Guerrilla, which was founded by and mostly run by the regulars during most of its history, didn't before.

The counterargument is, obviously, that not just any wrestler can pick up and promote a show, but to argue that is to miss the point completely. Obviously, Podunk Shindieson won't be able to promote a show on the scale of All In, but the fact that Rhodes and the Jacksons can shouldn't be used against them. They're stars of the highest magnitude, and they were able to get five figures at premium prices to sell out in no time. Wrestlers at lower levels of star power shouldn't have any problems selling out shows commensurate to their status on the scene if they put in the work gladhanding and promoting. The lesson here is that you don't need to trust some scumbag who has money to throw around and might want to rip you off when you and your band of scumbags that you know and run with in locker rooms and rings can do the same without a middleman.

All In needs to be treated as a watershed moment by those who can make use of its influence, because it can cause a revolution in professional wrestling. Wrestlers seized control of promotion, and thus they have scored perhaps the most important sell-out in recent pro wrestling history, maybe the most important since WrestleMania 3. The only way labor could have scored a more important victory is if WWE wrestlers came to their senses and unionized in solidarity with no exception, finally forcing McMahon's hand over three decades after it should've been forced.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for May 14, 2018

May 14, 2018, 4:30 pm
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Still the man, even if the guy on the mat ended up beating him
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - Oh, so you think losing to Rusev on Smackdown and causing a firestorm of the WORST TAKES ONLINE is reason enough to knock him down a peg? Think again, hot stuff. Bryan is so great that he generates this kind of talk from the peanut gallery. No matter what he does, he'll be fine, unless someone just shoot slugs him with a caber or something. In which case, everyone will have a new public enemy to go after. But don't get ahead of yourself here, okay?

2. Rack of Lamb (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - The family went to The Pub in Pennsauken, NJ to celebrate Mother's Day and instead of going for my usual three-quarters of a cow in prime rib, I got the rack of lamb. I've been getting into lamb lately, and this rack was no exception. Delicate yet rich and flavorful, it was a nice change of pace.

3. Joel Embiid (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat that the Sixers' season ended with more of a wet fart than a bang. A five-game drubbing at the hands of the hated and hobbled Boston Celtics? Nah, kid, nah. That being said, this year was supposed to be when the Sixers got in the playoffs on the second tier and lost in the opening round. Earning the third seed and drubbing a game Miami Heat team was, in all honesty, better than what was advertised. Next year will be different, but hey, the team, led by The Process himself, did good.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - I'm not about to hold Road Dogg's sins against her, but honestly, maybe it's okay that she's not on the show the way things are going. Smackdown is improved since Mania, but man. Man.

5. Kylie Rae (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Rae won the first ever Makin' Towns Classic this weekend in a stacked field that included TWB faves like Jordynne Grace and Veda Scott. How did she do it? Well, I think she got some Poké Power from her Pikachu gear. Or maybe she's just a talented up-and-coming wrestler. Take your pick!

6. Joey Janela (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Just due northwest in Chicago, Joey Janela showed yet another facet in his game when he took Ciclope to the limit in a deathmatch. I'm beginning to think this guy might be pretty good at the pro wrestling game.

7. Satoshi Kojima (Last Week: Not Ranked) - As a wrestling fan and a fat guy, few things do it for me like Kojima's love of bread. And today he mentioned starting a bread-based wrestling promotion. Honestly, the Bread Wrestling Association would get me to sub up for New Japan World right quick, even if it's just for seeing Jun Kasai do a guest spot where he's breaking loaves of stale french bread over people's heads and those victims inexplicably blading. HARDCORE BREAD! HARDCORE BREAD!

8. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 5) - Honestly, if WWE was going to do the tag team thing with Strowman AFTER Mania, then him and Bobby Lashley as Tag Champions would've been better overall than Nicholas (even as cool as that was), and they'd definitely be a better option than the Woken Warriors. Again, you can't fault Strowman for being a victim of booking though.

9. Human Tornado (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Pro Wrestling Guerrilla original hung up the boots this weekend. I always thought he should've been bigger than he was, but for whatever reason, he just never really broke through the way CM Punk or Bryan Danielson did. Ah well, he'll always have given us dunking on Matt Sydal during a wrestling match.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - If Oney Lorcan (and Danny Burch) is here for porkin, and he's teaming with Pete Dunne, does that make the WWE United Kingdom Champion crisps? Or mash?
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