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| For a boring guy, people sure want to know what he's going to do Photo Credit: WWE.com |
I'd like to start this column with three simple words: I'M TAKING OVER!
Yes, in light of the fact Main Event this week was an affront to everything good and pure in the world as well as the fact that we are hours away from the (coincidentally) 29th crown jewel of WrestleFest, your usual narrator of Best Coast Bias is dans la maison. The Twitter Request Line -- usually ably handled by the grandmajor domo -- handles questions about wrestling's past and present, as well as other catchall misasma, and then pumps out a column because 140 characters can't restrain him, fool! You can follow him @tholzerman and the call for questions usually begins post-Smackdown Friday nights.
For reasons that can only be termed "random draw" we'll start with long-time associate and honorary member of Cypress Hill Brandon Mars -- if that is his real name -- who askswill be a mistake on the part of WWE if they don't have Dolph Ziggler cash in at Mania?
Even though I myself would love to see it happen, the real thing is the same problem the WWE seems to run into lately; what do you do with all the chapters that you have after the beginning of a quality idea? It's not the cash-in (I'm assuming it'll be succesful), it'll be what they do with Ziggler moving forward as the World Champion. You have a great talker with the muscle as backup and a beautiful girl who based on what I can figure from the polling is in crucial circles one of the top 5 wrestlers in the world, so let him be it. Let him carry around the belt for a good long while while he's doing it. If he has to cheat every so often to win, all the better. But whether or not it happens in Not New York City on the 7th, that's the best way forward.
Jesse Powell, probably the most awesome follower we have from North Dakota chimes in: Who is your least favorite WWE wrestler ever?
The stock answer is Chris Benoit, because obviously.
Failing that, I would have to go with Nathan Jones, who's biggest crime was coming along at the same time I started getting hip to the Internet. Also the fact he sucked more than a Faye Reagan marathon and had one move and couldn't even do that right were factors.
JohnJohnPhenom from New York, New York, the city so nice it made redundancy cool offers this with his turn at the conch: A scenario: Team Hell No wins at WrestleMania but splits up at Raw or soon after, leading to a match at Extreme Rules for sole ownership of tag titles? (ref: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!)
Firstly, THIS is a scenario:
Yes, in light of the fact Main Event this week was an affront to everything good and pure in the world as well as the fact that we are hours away from the (coincidentally) 29th crown jewel of WrestleFest, your usual narrator of Best Coast Bias is dans la maison. The Twitter Request Line -- usually ably handled by the grandmajor domo -- handles questions about wrestling's past and present, as well as other catchall misasma, and then pumps out a column because 140 characters can't restrain him, fool! You can follow him @tholzerman and the call for questions usually begins post-Smackdown Friday nights.
For reasons that can only be termed "random draw" we'll start with long-time associate and honorary member of Cypress Hill Brandon Mars -- if that is his real name -- who askswill be a mistake on the part of WWE if they don't have Dolph Ziggler cash in at Mania?
Even though I myself would love to see it happen, the real thing is the same problem the WWE seems to run into lately; what do you do with all the chapters that you have after the beginning of a quality idea? It's not the cash-in (I'm assuming it'll be succesful), it'll be what they do with Ziggler moving forward as the World Champion. You have a great talker with the muscle as backup and a beautiful girl who based on what I can figure from the polling is in crucial circles one of the top 5 wrestlers in the world, so let him be it. Let him carry around the belt for a good long while while he's doing it. If he has to cheat every so often to win, all the better. But whether or not it happens in Not New York City on the 7th, that's the best way forward.
Jesse Powell, probably the most awesome follower we have from North Dakota chimes in: Who is your least favorite WWE wrestler ever?
The stock answer is Chris Benoit, because obviously.
Failing that, I would have to go with Nathan Jones, who's biggest crime was coming along at the same time I started getting hip to the Internet. Also the fact he sucked more than a Faye Reagan marathon and had one move and couldn't even do that right were factors.
JohnJohnPhenom from New York, New York, the city so nice it made redundancy cool offers this with his turn at the conch: A scenario: Team Hell No wins at WrestleMania but splits up at Raw or soon after, leading to a match at Extreme Rules for sole ownership of tag titles? (ref: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!)
Firstly, THIS is a scenario:
Secondly, I'm beyond over the trope of teams breaking up to feud. Maybe Team Friendship's found the one soft spot in my small, wrecked black heart, but why should they make up to break up? IF you're going to break them up you might as well do it at the biggest show of the year. Nobody's turned on the Biggest Stage of Them All in years. The entire point of their unity in the face of Team AJ is they've moved beyond themselves as individuals to form a cohesive unit worthy of being the best tag team in all of the world; the sum has finally caught up to the parts. And what awesome new thing comes from them splitting? Kane's a mean, evil bad guy? That's new. MY BOI D-BRY RIGHT THERE becoming an egotistical little man with 1,007 holds? That's new too, then. Let them go their separate ways when the time comes individually Team Rhodes Scholars style. Sometimes no swerve is the best swerve.
Charlie Owens (via the Facebook), a longtime friend with black and yellow running through his veins asks if the new ROH champ Jay Briscoe is a good or bad thing, and if he should feud with Mark.
It's too soon to tell because it's too soon to tell. I'm leaning towards it being slightly bad -- the closest analog I could make right now without the benefit of clairvoyance would be if Ricky Morton had beaten Flair for the belt in '86 -- but then again I am a big fan of the Zoo Enthusiast and not so much of crazy, tooth-missing rednecks as a general rule. It seems that based on who's been lining up to contend that the best long-term ROH plan would revolve around Elgin or Lethal taking the final step to the top shelf and doing away with SCUM/dethroning Steen once and for all and this isn't that. But maybe this is just a blip in Steen's highway to hell. Oh, and what I said about tag teams splitting up a few beats goes to the infinite about brother tag teams. There's a Barenaked Ladies song about that, and it isn't even one of the great ones.
George Murphy gets all Borglum with the following: You've just been assigned to make a Mount Rushmore of Wrestling. Go.
Trish Stratus, Lita after the heel turn, Layla, and...not what he meant? Are we sure here? Well, fine. Let's do it the traditional way for THIS BUSINESS and all.
Firstly, if I want to get people in the tent, I need the Hulkster, brother. Oh, he's not awesome in the ring. Oh, he's an egomaniacal prick. Oh, he seems to have descended into a parody of himself where he doesn't seem to be able to discern the line betwixt himself and reality faster than you can say Courtney Stodden. Hogan's Hogan. It's weird how everybody's "right place at the right time" story seems to happen when a force of nature or unique talent comes along, isn't it?
Secondly, speaking of right place at the right time, I do believe that Steve Austin will be in my rock-solid foursome. Great technically, great at the brawl. Delicious no matter if he was trying to get you to root for or against him. Turned McMahon into an evil multimillionaire about 2 years after he was literally at the lowest point in his coffers. Also I heard on the Internet that one time he hit the Rock with a Stunner so hard that once it was oversold he ended up standing by passively while Vince Vaughn did the Roger Rabbit, but who knows.
Thirdly, if I'm doing these to appeal to me and those who think like me, what I need is a limousine-riding, Lear Jet flyin...oh, you know. Naitch has to go up. And finally to round out this out, Miss Tessmach--oh, hell, got the wiring crossed again.
Fourth on the mountain for me is Eddie Guerrero. You can make a compelling case for the Rock, Stan Hansen, Curt Hennig, or Bret Hart, but for me there was just that always something extra about Eddie no matter who he wrestled for or alignment that pushed him over the edge for me. I'm sure growing up with the exploits of Los Gringos Locos weighed this in his favor, and to that I merely say if you don't like it, make your own f'n Rushmore.
Hmm...some of you are cheering...and some of you are booing...and some dude just yelled BRRRR ABADOO. Must be time for What We Talk About When We Talk About John Cena!
The Booker T to my podcasting Stevie Ray, Kenny Borsuk has a question because suckas GOTS to know: Is the problem with Cena more on us for being Internet smarks or is he really that bad a character?
It doesn't stop there because another long-time Web friend Goog asks if I could see Cena doing something heinous to win the WWE Title, sort of like Austin at WrestleMania 17?
And to close the circle G9zwrestling would like to know how much of a legit surprise do you think a Cena heel turn would be? People are predicting it sure, but does anyone think it's they're actually going to pull the trigger? And if so, how big of a game changer do you think it'd be?
So here we are a few scant hours short of WMXXIX and it comes down to this. Whither Cena?
Well, Ken, like most things in life we are and aren't to blame. It's us to an extent, sure. We pretend our corner of the bubble is bigger than it actually is and some of the bottom us merely want to inveign against the current dictatorship and replace with one where we wield the sword. That said, portraying the most dominant force of the past decade as a perennial underdog redefines cognitive dissonance. Does he even have a character anymore besides being the BMOC?
Hence the rapidly growing clamor that's been in place for years. Turn him. Flip him. Have him make little kids cry and kick a Make-A-Wish tot in the face and spew venom about the Rock having a sc instead of a schedule and all the people he stood up for twice a week for years immediately went and went Hollywood on him, that the worst year of his life was better than everybody else's year in the arena combined and start really choking people out in that STF. Hell, you can even have him wrestle with long tights on and grow a goatee.
Make no doubt about it, friends: John Cena, before Sunday turns into Monday, will be the WWE Champion once again for the first time in a couple years.
But if you think Uncle Vinnie is going to flip John just because you don't like him, look at the end of X-7 and think about how completely the WWE imploded in a creative sense from turning their top guy to the other side of the table. I'm not saying it's justified or that history would repeat itself. What I am saying is that there is the possible outside glory for us and those like us should the scenario come to pass; it would of course come to pass on the night where they benchpressed 8 figures without anything besides Once In A Lifetime II: the Never-Ending Story. When we all sit back and berate them creatively. Where some of us live-hate-blog Raw and still tune in every week.
It's fitting that the Rock's headlining because in this case, the wants of a few? It doesn't matter what they want. The WWE has no major competition anymore and they may never again. Thinking somebody like Del Rio or Sheamus could fill Cena's shoes right now in that position is like if Destiny's Child replaced Beyonce with Kat Stacks. To parphrase that Masked Man from Grantland, they don't need to turn John Cena heel because he already is a heel to the people he needs to be a heel to. Vinnie's outsmarted the logic. He plays both sides against the middle, and oh my lord how the money rolls in. From a business standpoint alone I'd never trade the masses of people filling my coffers over the wants of some who're less likely to buy the things I need to keep my dominion over the landscape. Sure, it'd be a gigantic game changer. So were new Coke, the Edsel, and the fourth season of Community (which sources tell me is happening somehow).
And do you trust WWE Creative as it is to pull this off to a satisfying 2013, 2014 and beyond? You know, the people who getting word-filled effigies burnt into the Internet about them every day, the killers of the United States and Intercontinetal championships who've brought us such sparkling gems as babyface Miz and Kaitlyn as the queen of a land without any other inhabitants, the turners of the exploits of Hornswoggle, Sweet T, and the type of people Glenn Beck will dismissively sniff at before he walks back into mainstream irrelevance rather than interact with them in this, their biggest hour?
John Cena will raise the WWE title again. The champ will return. And you can go back to hating his ubiquity.
But he won't need a chair or the Shield or anything else to do it. His sheer force of will, sparked by his fanbase when he's down, will lead him to victory and out of the worst year of his life.
Or do you kids not know how an underdog story works by now?
Charlie Owens (via the Facebook), a longtime friend with black and yellow running through his veins asks if the new ROH champ Jay Briscoe is a good or bad thing, and if he should feud with Mark.
It's too soon to tell because it's too soon to tell. I'm leaning towards it being slightly bad -- the closest analog I could make right now without the benefit of clairvoyance would be if Ricky Morton had beaten Flair for the belt in '86 -- but then again I am a big fan of the Zoo Enthusiast and not so much of crazy, tooth-missing rednecks as a general rule. It seems that based on who's been lining up to contend that the best long-term ROH plan would revolve around Elgin or Lethal taking the final step to the top shelf and doing away with SCUM/dethroning Steen once and for all and this isn't that. But maybe this is just a blip in Steen's highway to hell. Oh, and what I said about tag teams splitting up a few beats goes to the infinite about brother tag teams. There's a Barenaked Ladies song about that, and it isn't even one of the great ones.
George Murphy gets all Borglum with the following: You've just been assigned to make a Mount Rushmore of Wrestling. Go.
Trish Stratus, Lita after the heel turn, Layla, and...not what he meant? Are we sure here? Well, fine. Let's do it the traditional way for THIS BUSINESS and all.
Firstly, if I want to get people in the tent, I need the Hulkster, brother. Oh, he's not awesome in the ring. Oh, he's an egomaniacal prick. Oh, he seems to have descended into a parody of himself where he doesn't seem to be able to discern the line betwixt himself and reality faster than you can say Courtney Stodden. Hogan's Hogan. It's weird how everybody's "right place at the right time" story seems to happen when a force of nature or unique talent comes along, isn't it?
Secondly, speaking of right place at the right time, I do believe that Steve Austin will be in my rock-solid foursome. Great technically, great at the brawl. Delicious no matter if he was trying to get you to root for or against him. Turned McMahon into an evil multimillionaire about 2 years after he was literally at the lowest point in his coffers. Also I heard on the Internet that one time he hit the Rock with a Stunner so hard that once it was oversold he ended up standing by passively while Vince Vaughn did the Roger Rabbit, but who knows.
Thirdly, if I'm doing these to appeal to me and those who think like me, what I need is a limousine-riding, Lear Jet flyin...oh, you know. Naitch has to go up. And finally to round out this out, Miss Tessmach--oh, hell, got the wiring crossed again.
Fourth on the mountain for me is Eddie Guerrero. You can make a compelling case for the Rock, Stan Hansen, Curt Hennig, or Bret Hart, but for me there was just that always something extra about Eddie no matter who he wrestled for or alignment that pushed him over the edge for me. I'm sure growing up with the exploits of Los Gringos Locos weighed this in his favor, and to that I merely say if you don't like it, make your own f'n Rushmore.
Hmm...some of you are cheering...and some of you are booing...and some dude just yelled BRRRR ABADOO. Must be time for What We Talk About When We Talk About John Cena!
The Booker T to my podcasting Stevie Ray, Kenny Borsuk has a question because suckas GOTS to know: Is the problem with Cena more on us for being Internet smarks or is he really that bad a character?
It doesn't stop there because another long-time Web friend Goog asks if I could see Cena doing something heinous to win the WWE Title, sort of like Austin at WrestleMania 17?
And to close the circle G9zwrestling would like to know how much of a legit surprise do you think a Cena heel turn would be? People are predicting it sure, but does anyone think it's they're actually going to pull the trigger? And if so, how big of a game changer do you think it'd be?
So here we are a few scant hours short of WMXXIX and it comes down to this. Whither Cena?
Well, Ken, like most things in life we are and aren't to blame. It's us to an extent, sure. We pretend our corner of the bubble is bigger than it actually is and some of the bottom us merely want to inveign against the current dictatorship and replace with one where we wield the sword. That said, portraying the most dominant force of the past decade as a perennial underdog redefines cognitive dissonance. Does he even have a character anymore besides being the BMOC?
Hence the rapidly growing clamor that's been in place for years. Turn him. Flip him. Have him make little kids cry and kick a Make-A-Wish tot in the face and spew venom about the Rock having a sc instead of a schedule and all the people he stood up for twice a week for years immediately went and went Hollywood on him, that the worst year of his life was better than everybody else's year in the arena combined and start really choking people out in that STF. Hell, you can even have him wrestle with long tights on and grow a goatee.
Make no doubt about it, friends: John Cena, before Sunday turns into Monday, will be the WWE Champion once again for the first time in a couple years.
But if you think Uncle Vinnie is going to flip John just because you don't like him, look at the end of X-7 and think about how completely the WWE imploded in a creative sense from turning their top guy to the other side of the table. I'm not saying it's justified or that history would repeat itself. What I am saying is that there is the possible outside glory for us and those like us should the scenario come to pass; it would of course come to pass on the night where they benchpressed 8 figures without anything besides Once In A Lifetime II: the Never-Ending Story. When we all sit back and berate them creatively. Where some of us live-hate-blog Raw and still tune in every week.
It's fitting that the Rock's headlining because in this case, the wants of a few? It doesn't matter what they want. The WWE has no major competition anymore and they may never again. Thinking somebody like Del Rio or Sheamus could fill Cena's shoes right now in that position is like if Destiny's Child replaced Beyonce with Kat Stacks. To parphrase that Masked Man from Grantland, they don't need to turn John Cena heel because he already is a heel to the people he needs to be a heel to. Vinnie's outsmarted the logic. He plays both sides against the middle, and oh my lord how the money rolls in. From a business standpoint alone I'd never trade the masses of people filling my coffers over the wants of some who're less likely to buy the things I need to keep my dominion over the landscape. Sure, it'd be a gigantic game changer. So were new Coke, the Edsel, and the fourth season of Community (which sources tell me is happening somehow).
And do you trust WWE Creative as it is to pull this off to a satisfying 2013, 2014 and beyond? You know, the people who getting word-filled effigies burnt into the Internet about them every day, the killers of the United States and Intercontinetal championships who've brought us such sparkling gems as babyface Miz and Kaitlyn as the queen of a land without any other inhabitants, the turners of the exploits of Hornswoggle, Sweet T, and the type of people Glenn Beck will dismissively sniff at before he walks back into mainstream irrelevance rather than interact with them in this, their biggest hour?
John Cena will raise the WWE title again. The champ will return. And you can go back to hating his ubiquity.
But he won't need a chair or the Shield or anything else to do it. His sheer force of will, sparked by his fanbase when he's down, will lead him to victory and out of the worst year of his life.
Or do you kids not know how an underdog story works by now?