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| Before they came to BLOWS Photo Credit: WWE.com |
ACTING
Shinsuke Nakamura and Randy Orton had a match at the end of the show, but the true main event was the promo-off the two had to start the show when we were able to compare and contrast their performances. Randy Orton, thespian at large, stared disoncertingly and unblinkingly at the camera, his posture rigid and oddly angled, his voice unmodulated and clipped, every part of him devoid of emotion. It was a masterful impression of a disinterested sixth-grader reading a book report.
Nakamura, on the other hand, used things like gestures and emphasis and expressions to convey how much this match mattered. And they call HIM the artist? Pfffft. Take your dynamism and stuff it, try-hard. That kind of investment in what you're asked to deliver is for chumps. True art is effortless, as in giving no effort whatsoever because you're going to keep getting big matches no matter what. Looks like SOMEONE needs a semester at the Viper School of Performance Art.
Their match was actually pretty good, or so I assume. While I was watching it I kept thinking that on any other night I'd be feeling pleasantly surprised instead of apathetic. Other people liked it, and I'm glad they still had the energy left to get invested. I was gritting my teeth and waiting for the show to end. More than anything I hate when the story bits of the show make it impossible for me to enjoy the wrestling bits. Unfortunately, Oscar winner Randy Orton was the least of this episode's problems, but at least we can all look forward to Nakamura vs. Jinder Mahal part two! I'm sure nothing will go wrong this time!
A Grave Change
This episode of Smackdown wasn't the greatest, but I can tell you that it was a million times more palatable than it would have been had JBL still been part of the announce team. Instead, in the future our ears will be treated to the much more dulcet (and intelligent) tones of Corey Graves. He's only been around for one episode, but I liked the combination of him, Tom Phillips, and Byron Saxton. Here's hoping they continue to gel as a team and give us a good soundtrack for the show.
A Surfeit of Shane
Kevin Owens had to go just a smidge too far in his diatribe about Shane McMahon because otherwise everything he was saying McMahon hogging the spotlight and pulling focus rang completely true. The only way to make Owens a real villain was to have him say he wished McMahon died in the helicopter womb. Well, that and dare to mention McMahon's children because that's somehow a cardinal sin among WWE authority figures. Even so, it hardly warranted McMahon attacking him in a whirling orange tornado of fists, and it certainly didn't warrant the announce team sombrely condemning Owens as being more at fault. Even Corey Graves went along with the party line. Apparently Blind Dad Rage excuses assaulting one’s employees (or “putting your hands on” your employees, as McMahon insists on putting it. CREEPY PHRASING, SHANE).
The thing is, Kevin Owens is putting in a really great performance. I completely buy him as a desperate man at the end of his rope with legitimate grievances but who is also an asshole incapable of winning allies to his cause. Daniel Bryan might be inclined to help him, but Owens can't stop himself from lashing out in spite. This would all be great if it wasn't also spotlighting a nonwrestler who will eventually be having yet another feeble match, just like what happened with AJ Styles. Oh, but maybe he’ll, like, jump off a thing again. We like when he does that, right?
Authority storylines are terrible. Lawsuit storylines are terrible. A McMahon being positioned as fighting for his job is terrible (especially since it hasn’t been that long since Shane fought this very battle. HE JUMPED OFF A THING AND EVERYTHING) yet the crowd started chanting “Thank you, Shane” like he was retiring or some shit. Mind you, this is the same crowd in which a MAGA sign was clearly visible during the main event, so I shouldn't expect much. Anyway, Vince McMahon is showing up next week in order to compound the terrible and boy I cannot wait for yet another huge portion of Smackdown to be devoted to this nonsense.
For your consideration, a short list of people who were not on this episode: Rusev, Becky Lynch, Charlotte, Naomi, Chad Gable and Shelton Benjamin, the Fashion Police, Bobby Roode, Luke goddamn Harper. It would be so, so easy to fill this show with good wrestling and fun times and they just. Won’t. Do it.
I will say that I’m really leaning into my Daniel Bryan, secret evil genius, theory. How very convenient that he’s the one left in charge of Smackdown now, and let us never forget that he was the one who suggested Shane be the referee in the Owens/Styles match. I’m watching you, D-Bry.
Mixed Messages
I was actually kind of excited when Owens pettishly insisted he was going to referee the women’s match because aside from a mixed tag here and there how long has it been since the women’s and men’s divisions actually intersected? Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and after the overly tanned fireworks that started things off Carmella and Natalya had to try and get focus back on the wrestling part of this wrestling show. They had a fine little match, though I’m wondering why Natalya hasn’t thrown in her lot with Owens since it’s really unfair to make her face the Money in the Bank holder just two weeks after they also had to tag together. Clearly someone doesn’t want her to hold that title very long (someone like a SECRET EVIL GENIUS GENERAL MANAGER).
Then Carmella had to essentially run down James Ellsworth after Kevin Owens did the same to Shane McMahon, but to her credit I think she did a really good job. I don’t even like Ellsworth and I couldn’t stop thinking how mean she was being, which was the point. I mean, saying someone’s mother should have given them away is still not on par with wishing they were literally dead, but I’m sure she’ll work up to that level of heartlessness. Of course, the effect was kind of ruined when later in the show she took Ellsworth back with a kiss/slap combination that I can’t get behind. I know that she’s a bad guy and she should do bad things, but I’m not into a “women are craaaazy bitches!” characterization for her or anyone. She was doing just fine without that.
Sad Sami
Man, if Sami Zayn constantly losing was actually working toward something it would be fine, but it’s not. He’s just stuck in this endless loop. Hell, even if the matches were at least satisfying that would be something. Instead Aiden English put Zayn away in about a minute and it was depressing as fuck. And I like Aiden English, but I don’t think it’s controversial to say that Sami Zayn should be doing, you know, MORE. Zayn threatening to attack English after he won fair and square was the disappointing icing on the sad cake. I can’t deal with bitter loser Sami Zayn. That’s not something I ever need in my life.
My Heart Growing 10 Sizes
With Sami Zayn breaking my heart and going down a path I can’t follow, I really needed SOMETHING cheery to happen on this show. What I got was a match between Tye Dillinger and Baron Corbin that I enjoyed a lot. Dillinger put on a gutsy, aggressive performance and Corbin seemed to up his game, too. I do kind of wish Corbin had lost just because he seems to have bounced right back from his Money in the Bank cash-in loss without learning a single lesson. He spent this entire match looking at AJ Styles instead of putting all his focus on the problem at hand and I feel like that should have cost him. Oh well.
And then Good Guy AJ Styles offered Dillinger a title shot next week because of Corbin messing things up, this time smacking Dillinger square in the throat when the ref wasn’t looking. I doubt very much that Dillinger will win, but the match should be fun, and I’m glad SOMEONE is coming out of this episode with something to show for it.
Also I’m still not used to Baron Corbin’s new chanty beginning to his entrance music and every time it starts I think we’re getting a wrestling monk or something. This obviously means that Corbin should go full Thoros of Myr and start carrying a flaming sword into melees. That’s the kind of very serious wrestling content we need right now.