The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Episode 3

Right: Jojo, a Total Divas cast member. Left: A man too dumb to live. Photo Credit: WWE.com

Relationships don't seem like much fun, because the dynamic of having other people in your life is unpredictable. I mean, maybe it gets more predictable over time, but the genuine idea that you don't fully know what your partner wants is what creates the intrigue and terror of staying in a relationship for so long. In its own little goofy reality show way, Total Divas was about the terror of relationships this week, and of realizing if suddenly your partner is a secret jerkass.

I feel guilty even attempting an actual power rankings poll, because it really seemed more like every female on the show was a Woobie this week. In a sense, no one (sans a Bella) really had to feel very strong during the week's proceedings. So the power rankings are pretty much in order of sympathy. I'm including the dudes in this, too.

1. Trinity

I had a decent bit of back and forth on Twitter as to whether Trinity or Jonny Uso was the real sympathetic character this week, and it all comes down to Trinity's apparent paranoia. Also, Jon Uso broke glass, and Trinity swept it up while crying. That's some shit that feels more like Breaking Bad than Total fackin' Divas.

2. Josie the dog

OH MY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT DOG ON THE WEBCAM? I DON'T EVEN LIKE DOGS AND I WILL GO TO PHOENIX AND SNUGGLE WITH THAT DOG.

3. Brie Bella (ok really DANIEL BRYAN)

With Nikki haranguing Brie about her move to Phoenix (the instance of Daniel Bryan's "You are a grown ass woman" line), it's harder to not just yell at Nikki and go "HAVE YOU SEEN JOSIE? LIKE, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT DOG? YOU WOULD MOVE ANYWHERE FOR A DOG LIKE THAT. DO YOU HAVE A SOUL, NIKKI BELLA?" Sorry, umm, that went too deep.

4. Natalya

It is taxing to be the rock of the show, and yet somehow, Natalya never stops having grace. It might actually break my heart when she has a (yes, pre-planned) fight with Tyson Kidd in the future, because she's so damn good at being the type of professional and courteous figure this show desperately needs. I mean, she helped a lady who ostensibly could take her place stay with the company. Respect takes cajones and breeds sympathy.

5. Sara Del Rey

She showed up on TV! And her inner monologue (despite saying no words) is probably what friend of the blog, Erin Provolone, describes here:

Sara Del Rey was no-selling that forced engagement drama bullshit like a QUEEN
— Erin Barkslovone (@erinprovolone) August 12, 2013

She also wore loads of vintage WWE t-shirts as training gear. BAMF.

6. Jojo

It might be a stretch to call Jojo sympathetic this week, because her issue seemed so obvious. She either stays with too-dumb-to-live Sebastian (and leaves the company) or stays with the damn company that will give her a job at her young age, even if it is just to fart on camera or whatever. As an unemployed dude right now, you take the damn work, hope your back feels better, and be unsurprised by Sara Del Rey no-selling your pain. But still, being 19 ain't easy in the WWE. Just ask Rene Dupree.

7. Nikki Bella (ok really JOHN CENA)

Nikki's equivalent was if Josie started biting Daniel's beard this week. Actually, that sounds adorable. Nikki wasn't. Being the gruff character isn't easy, and neither is being the "the hell are you doing this for" scion. At least Cena gave a surprising amount of sympathy with calling Nikki's skin infection a normal, human moment.

8. Ariane

Urinary tract infections and yeast infections suck. But then again, you don't have to say you have them on television. Actually, this episode was a lot about the pratfalls of having a vagina (in as much as a WWE program will cover such a thing, probably fearing that further vaginal discussion turns them into a column in Ms. Magazine). Nikki had camel toe - which she bizarrely blamed on her breasts - Ariane had her trouble. You know, shit's hard?

9. Eva Marie

It's for the best that Eva Marie didn't get into any shenanigans this episode, because I actually liked everything that was happening and didn't want it wrecked because Eva Marie wanted to figure out a way to show her inability to sing, speak, wear S.W.A.T gear, wear tracksuits, dance, make a delicious quiche, be WWE's seamstress, be likable, be personable, have an interesting boyfriend, have an interesting past, smile, be anything like a Bella, be anything like a wrestler, or be human.

10. Sebastian

Jojo's now ex is the dirt worst, though. If you want to know what OkCupid profiles look like in real life, see this guy try to cross the street, tell his girlfriend that this money-making enterprise should be better spent presumably being a useless sexual automaton at home, and wear his shirts inside out. It's enough to make you vomit out Audre Lorde quotes at your TV set.