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| The focus of last night's show, and not a good one either Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Were it not for me being the type of writer who would send himself into a spiral of self-hatred for abandoning what he planned to do, though, I would avoid a recap this week. This is the only episode of Total Divas that I have watched this season that I did not enjoy viewing. I'm not saying this to whine about a reality show on the internet. In fact, it's genuinely surprising to me that it took until episode 7 for me to actively dislike an episode. Ok, now let's whine about a reality show on the internet in list format.
1. Brie Bella
Brie doesn't do much in this episode (something I'll be saying a lot) and I should be counting imaginary points off for her general "fuck it if you're in pain, we're an act and we have to be on television together" routine. But when Brie and Nikki talk in the same scene, it's like if Walter Kronkite and Jesse Pinkman had a conversation about wrestling leg injuries and Phoenix. It's that stark a difference in speech, I swear. Not to mention, I imagine the tag team "why are you hurt, bro?" conversation happens a lot. Tensai is probably forcing Brodus Clay to work through a bulging disc right now, in fact.
2. Natalya
Again, she had nothing to do than to weirdly take in Eva Marie as a road buddy from destination to destination. I guess she has to get married next week, though, so her day might finally come. She also noted that "only the strong survive," which is not to be taken literally, I guess, since the current Divas champion is all of the thinnest looking person ever. (And is better than Nattie in spite of, or maybe because of, that.)
3. Jojo
If you wanted to know the history of disastrous WWE Main Event segments from early August, then this is definitely your show! Jojo, feeling jealous from reasons named later, was talking about her passion. It's not wrestling. It's singing. Yup! That Eva Marie was the "wait, your passion isn't wrestling?" voice in this doesn't totally destroy that point, either. Still, Jojo was at least trying really hard to sing okay before the Funkadactyls sunk their talons into poorly harmonizing.
4. Trinity's dad
Trinity's dad is a damn music producer. Where is his reality show? I would watch a show about Trinity's dad, Sandra the seamstress (WHERE IS SHE?), and Daniel Bryan in a heartbeat. But no, they just gotta be people on Total Divas because life is unfair and the Bunim-Murray reality machine can't handle old people or bearded vegans.
5. Trinity
I mean, she is still a favorite. Not as spiffy on the jokes, though, this week. Makes me sad when that happens.
6. Nikki Bella
OWWWWWWWW, that thingy with your leg sounds painful RIP nikki bella's wrestling career we'll miss u
7. Ariane
The most annoying this week without glorious kitschy phrases to alleviate that. Just damn say "Girl bye" once! Is that hard?
8. Vincent
Why did we need to see him, his dad, his family, his giant doofus head, and whatever else? Ugh, why do I do this?
9. John Cena
har har flexible. because fucking. lol ok bye you won't see me for any more of the episode especially when my stone-faced words could add some shit to my girlfriend being injured. you can't see me!
10. Eva Marie
The entire episode was devoted to Eva Marie, which is awful. Actually, let me define how awful. My favorite show, other than Friday Night Lights, of the past 15 years is Veronica Mars. The way Kristen Bell delivers a mix of being snarky, precocious, and vulnerable is just fantastic, as well as the show's casting in all regards. Except for one actor, the male model-type Teddy Dunn, who plays Duncan Kane. It's not that the show sinks because he's around, but the difference is completely clear. It says a lot when Ryan Hansen, whose character is supposed to be dumb, easily eclipses Dunn's earnestness by the end of the first season before the Duncan Kane character leaves.
Why did I mention this? Oh, I remember now. If an episode episode of Veronica Mars was devoted to Duncan Kane (with zero traces of Veronica or basically anyone else sans the Kane family), that would be fucking horrible. It would immediately serve as exactly the opposite of what makes the show great. The reason I watch and like Total Divas is that other than the backstage fare, the women are given some genuine agency. They are the plots, and generally, most of them are either likable or hilariously ridiculous. Eva Marie is neither, however, and her reward for it is "her dream" of being in Maxim Magazine. And of course, an episode after a woman has a vibrator and isn't shamed for it is the episode that reminds me why I can't honestly argue Total Divas as feminist. Oh well.