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| That cat is Nattie's son, so of course he's got a spot in the wedding Photo Credit: WWE.com |
So it's time to say a brief farewell to the reality world of Total Divas for a couple of months and it's a world I will actually miss quite a bit. This is one of the easiest things I've gotten the pleasure to do for you guys, way up there with the time I decided to write about NBA 2K13 for a class assignment (creative writing is the best). And yet, it feels like Total Divas could've been a chore, but for the most part, it has not. The fabricated drama and Eva Marie's existence are a bit painful to watch, but I've long since given up the assumption that I have something better to do on Sunday nights.
As for the mid-season finale of Total Divas, it was a bit of a mixed bag as entertaining television. But the reunion aftershow was fantastic and gets most of my arbitrary power rankings.
1. Sandra, WWE Seamstress
"If you eat cake all the time, sometimes you want a cookie." This was Sandra's sage advice on the aftershow when asked for her general advice on life. This quote related to women not showing "their goodies" all the time. We're in 2004 and that's fantastic. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play Madden 2004 and listen to Evanescence.
2. Natalya
After episodes of being the pointed professional who doesn't get laid ever, Natalya finally gets the focus outright for her wedding day instead of doing things like "giving advice about the business" and "being okay with Eva Marie talking about her craft." She also groomed her dad's goatee. And then this glorious exchange on Twitter happened with her and friend of the column, @SaraHates2Tweet.
3. AJ Lee
While this whole thing happened, AJ Lee was probably getting pissed that there was another dumb botch in one of her matches, put a tarantula lock on Nattie, and kept the Divas title. Keep on keepin' on, person unrelated to the show that I'm reviewing.
4. John Cena Sr.
He was barely in frame, but dammit if he wasn't the best thing on the show for about five seconds. Well, except for another person.
5. Damien Sandow
Sandow's commitment to staying in character with boisterous declarations while hosting a wedding is why method acting rules. Dammit if Idol Stevens isn't the damn best at being this weird bearded genius. He even held the wedding mic the same way he would hold a mic in the ring. Just an inspired man.
6. Daniel Bryan
When Brie caught the bouquet, Daniel had the most gifworthy reaction to it that I'm already certain With Leather's review of Total Divas already has it up on their report. Because they do actual work for reviewing this show. Sorry, y'all. By the way, nice easy sort-of-plaid there, D-Bry. And big ups for finding a lady in Brie that views your beard as a sign of adorable manliness.
7. Brie Bella
For the same reasons as above, Brie's growing on me as the rare "person I would probably get along with."
8. Trinity
Placeholder spot for the best character on the show.
9. Jon Uso
Placeholder spot for the best male spouse of a character on the show other than Daniel Bryan. (Hey, there are at least three of those, it isn't that much of an insult.)
10. Ariane
I just feel bad for her now.
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As a bonus, let's rank the characters of the season.
1. Trinity
As far as a legitimately entertaining presence, Trinity was by far the best at adding to the zaniness of the show as it went on. After all, this is a farce, but Trinity was legitimately amusing and fascinating throughout the entire year. Plus, she is the only person on the roster with Manami Toyota knowledge. Probably only her trainer, a certain SDR, is aware of some damn good joshi.
2. Daniel Bryan
As we learned more about the humble abode of our people's hero, it was easy to just keep liking him. He's just a good guy in the context of the show and none of that feels too far from reality.
3. Brie Bella
Even when she was a bit overly demanding, Brie did seem like she was operating for what was best in her mindset. That's not a bad quality to have and something about her and Bryan elevates my general opinion of her.
4. Natalya
As our snakebitten erstwhile heroine (maybe?), Nattie is mostly settled to being a figure that is close to the big dance but not quite able to make it. And after a while, it's not hard to blame that a bit on Nattie. It is a bit hidden away whether or not Nattie is actually good at this, but while in the spotlight, things seem to just go wrong with her involvement. Even God made a thunderstorm happen during her wedding day. Jeez, how does she go on?
5. Ariane
Fuckin' "Girl bye" and "the bomb dot com" got me. They really got me. When Ariane was in serious business mode, she was the most annoying character on a show where the newbies that brought nothing to the table were showcased most every week. But when she was at her goofiest, damn, she was so gloriously over-the-top.
6. Jon Uso
He caught up to me as well. I wasn't that crazy about the Trinity/Jon relationship drama, as it felt like him screwing up a good thing. Of course, he didn't. And of course, when Jon became an odd comedic foil, it was a much better thing.
7. Sandra, WWE Seamstress
Forgetting about her mid-season was the saddest reality of Total Divas. We simply don't have enough reason to see her talk about the Bellas or those new girls, and that ultimately made me sad. When she was there, she was fantastic. Now that you have two months to edit new episodes, you know what to do, WWE.
8. Nikki Bella
Did not have a big hate-on for her, like I expected to. Guess that vibrator scene made me think that she's just damn happy about herself.
9. Fandango
He still had the best single episode appearance out of anyone.
10. John Cena?
I guess I'll give the spot here. He didn't annoy me, unlike TV John Cena. So hey, there's that.
Not Listed Because They Did Annoy Me: Eva Marie, Jojo, Vincent, Jane Geddes, Stephanie McMahon
Forgot To Form An Opinion on Them: Justin Gabriel, TJ Wilson, Jaret, that guy who told them about their matches, Jim Neidhart, Nattie's family
Oh Man, You Are The Worst Award: Sebastian
And that's it! Next week, I might find something of interest as I bide my time for the return of Total Divas. But we'll get to that when the time comes.
As for the mid-season finale of Total Divas, it was a bit of a mixed bag as entertaining television. But the reunion aftershow was fantastic and gets most of my arbitrary power rankings.
1. Sandra, WWE Seamstress
"If you eat cake all the time, sometimes you want a cookie." This was Sandra's sage advice on the aftershow when asked for her general advice on life. This quote related to women not showing "their goodies" all the time. We're in 2004 and that's fantastic. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play Madden 2004 and listen to Evanescence.
2. Natalya
After episodes of being the pointed professional who doesn't get laid ever, Natalya finally gets the focus outright for her wedding day instead of doing things like "giving advice about the business" and "being okay with Eva Marie talking about her craft." She also groomed her dad's goatee. And then this glorious exchange on Twitter happened with her and friend of the column, @SaraHates2Tweet.
“@SaraHates2Tweet: I love you @NatbyNature but pets at a wedding is weird #TotalDivas” no way! Gismo is my son!!!Never change, Nattie.
— Natalya (@NatbyNature) September 16, 2013
3. AJ Lee
While this whole thing happened, AJ Lee was probably getting pissed that there was another dumb botch in one of her matches, put a tarantula lock on Nattie, and kept the Divas title. Keep on keepin' on, person unrelated to the show that I'm reviewing.
4. John Cena Sr.
He was barely in frame, but dammit if he wasn't the best thing on the show for about five seconds. Well, except for another person.
5. Damien Sandow
Sandow's commitment to staying in character with boisterous declarations while hosting a wedding is why method acting rules. Dammit if Idol Stevens isn't the damn best at being this weird bearded genius. He even held the wedding mic the same way he would hold a mic in the ring. Just an inspired man.
6. Daniel Bryan
When Brie caught the bouquet, Daniel had the most gifworthy reaction to it that I'm already certain With Leather's review of Total Divas already has it up on their report. Because they do actual work for reviewing this show. Sorry, y'all. By the way, nice easy sort-of-plaid there, D-Bry. And big ups for finding a lady in Brie that views your beard as a sign of adorable manliness.
7. Brie Bella
For the same reasons as above, Brie's growing on me as the rare "person I would probably get along with."
8. Trinity
Placeholder spot for the best character on the show.
9. Jon Uso
Placeholder spot for the best male spouse of a character on the show other than Daniel Bryan. (Hey, there are at least three of those, it isn't that much of an insult.)
10. Ariane
I just feel bad for her now.
----
As a bonus, let's rank the characters of the season.
1. Trinity
As far as a legitimately entertaining presence, Trinity was by far the best at adding to the zaniness of the show as it went on. After all, this is a farce, but Trinity was legitimately amusing and fascinating throughout the entire year. Plus, she is the only person on the roster with Manami Toyota knowledge. Probably only her trainer, a certain SDR, is aware of some damn good joshi.
2. Daniel Bryan
As we learned more about the humble abode of our people's hero, it was easy to just keep liking him. He's just a good guy in the context of the show and none of that feels too far from reality.
3. Brie Bella
Even when she was a bit overly demanding, Brie did seem like she was operating for what was best in her mindset. That's not a bad quality to have and something about her and Bryan elevates my general opinion of her.
4. Natalya
As our snakebitten erstwhile heroine (maybe?), Nattie is mostly settled to being a figure that is close to the big dance but not quite able to make it. And after a while, it's not hard to blame that a bit on Nattie. It is a bit hidden away whether or not Nattie is actually good at this, but while in the spotlight, things seem to just go wrong with her involvement. Even God made a thunderstorm happen during her wedding day. Jeez, how does she go on?
5. Ariane
Fuckin' "Girl bye" and "the bomb dot com" got me. They really got me. When Ariane was in serious business mode, she was the most annoying character on a show where the newbies that brought nothing to the table were showcased most every week. But when she was at her goofiest, damn, she was so gloriously over-the-top.
6. Jon Uso
He caught up to me as well. I wasn't that crazy about the Trinity/Jon relationship drama, as it felt like him screwing up a good thing. Of course, he didn't. And of course, when Jon became an odd comedic foil, it was a much better thing.
7. Sandra, WWE Seamstress
Forgetting about her mid-season was the saddest reality of Total Divas. We simply don't have enough reason to see her talk about the Bellas or those new girls, and that ultimately made me sad. When she was there, she was fantastic. Now that you have two months to edit new episodes, you know what to do, WWE.
8. Nikki Bella
Did not have a big hate-on for her, like I expected to. Guess that vibrator scene made me think that she's just damn happy about herself.
9. Fandango
He still had the best single episode appearance out of anyone.
10. John Cena?
I guess I'll give the spot here. He didn't annoy me, unlike TV John Cena. So hey, there's that.
Not Listed Because They Did Annoy Me: Eva Marie, Jojo, Vincent, Jane Geddes, Stephanie McMahon
Forgot To Form An Opinion on Them: Justin Gabriel, TJ Wilson, Jaret, that guy who told them about their matches, Jim Neidhart, Nattie's family
Oh Man, You Are The Worst Award: Sebastian
And that's it! Next week, I might find something of interest as I bide my time for the return of Total Divas. But we'll get to that when the time comes.