You're not excited after THIS BUILD? Well, then, survival tips are below for you Photo Credit: WWE.com

Hello friends. You wouldn’t know it, but WrestleMania is only days away. While I’m tempted to just roll my eyes, let out my best Jay Cutler-esque ‘Who Cares?’, and then play StarCraft all of Sunday, I’ll suck it up for you, gentle reader, and run down the card with tips on how you can survive the Show of Shows.

There’s only one thing that is absolutely necessary. I give you permission to ignore everything else if you follow this golden rule: You must watch this crap with someone. You need someone to talk to while the commentators are babbling incoherently over the wrestling and to hold you as you gently weep while clutching the confetti you saved from last year.

Pre-Show: Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (c) vs. Los Matadores vs. The New Day vs. The Usos

You have four hours and can’t find time to fit this match on the main card? If we get a member of each team in the ring at the same time, I’m looking forward to some frenetic action. Either way, Rikishi is going into the Hall of Fame the night before WrestleMania, so keep an eye out for an Usos’ win.

Survival Tip: Keep an eye on the ringside shenanigans. Each team will have a valet, and with any luck, Natalya will start power bombing the shit out of anyone who gets uppity.

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Apparently also on the pre-show? The Intercontinental Title match better be like 45 minutes long.  I’m calling for the same thing I wanted in the Royal Rumble. The Miz gets tossed and Mizdow goes to follow him, but hesitates, instead flipping off his dick head boss and goes on to win the whole thing. I need him to have his moment in the sun. I still have nightmares about his Money in the Bank cash in attempt.

Survival Tip: The AtGMBR participants deserve better. Not all of them, but most do. So you can spend the entirety of the match discussing who has been wronged the most over the last year.

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs R-Truth vs Dean Ambrose vs Luke Harper vs Dolph Ziggler vs Stardust vs Daniel Bryan

Match of the night contender. These guys can all put on a great show when given the opportunity and time. R-Truth will be there also.

Survival Tip: Just watch the boys do their thing, and reflect on how we all thought that last year was going to usher in some kind of new era in the WWE. Then, reflect on how we’re all idiots.

United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs John Cena

A giant, spoiled man-child with a warped sense of right and wrong will win the irrelevant United States Championship with his shitty submission maneuver on a proud foreign hero because ‘MURICA.

Survival Tip: Vodka. Lots of vodka.

AJ Lee and Paige vs The Bella Twins

After RAW’s match between Paige and Nikki Bella, we have the potential for a sleeper match of the night here. It’s Paige’s first Mania, so I have a feeling she’s going to come out swinging hard.

Survival Tip: When the crowd starts with the CM Punk chants, drown those out with AJ Lee chants in your living room. When the commentary team starts in on how bitches be crazy, hit the mute button.

The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt

A match overshadowed by the need for Wyatt to win, even though the specialness of said win will be hollow after Taker’s loss last year. I’m hoping that if Undertaker does lose, he disappears in a flash of smoke and lightening, which Wyatt then inhales through his lantern. He then rises ten feet in the air and summons the entity he knows as Sister Abigail. It is then that the end begins.

Survival Tip: It took three F5’s to take down the Undertaker last year, take a swig of bathtub moonshine for each of the fifteen Sister Abigail's Kisses it will take to put him down this year.

Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins

Why are we having this match? As far as I’m concerned, Orton already got his comeuppance on Rollins a few weeks ago.

Survival Tip: Seriously, didn't Orton get retribution a few weeks ago? I'm confused. Does anyone know why this is still going on?

Sting vs Triple H

Both these dudes have signature weapons. If we don’t get some kind of sword fight with the sledgehammer and the baseball bat, I don’t even know what we’re doing as a species.

Survival Tip: Watch Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling for the 31st time instead.

Brock Lesnar (c) with Paul Heyman vs Roman Reigns for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Brock re-signing with WWE makes the title match a whole lot more interesting. I still think it’s going to be a shit show, but all I’ll be dreaming about the next few days is the BEAST suplexing Reigns twenty times and retaining the title. Oh, how disappointed I’m going to be.

Survival Tip: Reigns is walking out champion. Just keep repeating this mantra to yourself. So if something different actually happens, you’ll be pleasantly surprised*.

* - Something different is not happening.

4. Daniel Bryan
Points: 6291
Ballots: 70
Highest Vote Received:1st Place (Cewsh, Jesse Dlugosz, Luke Starr, Lee Spriggs, TJ Hawke)
Last Year's Placement:1st Place

TH: Daniel Bryan was well on his way to defending his crown as top vote in the TWB 100 when he got bad news from his doctors. He had a neck injury that would have ended his career and possibly his life if he continued to wrestle without surgery, recovery, and rehabilitation. For his own sake, I'm glad he took the time off, but a selfish, shit-headed part of me that was thoroughly enjoying his output in the ring through Extreme Rules was disappointed. Bryan did in four months what some wrestlers fail to do in 40. Whether through his tremendous opener against Bray Wyatt at the Royal Rumble through his magnum opus at WrestleMania XXX against Triple H and in his ultimately last match, a garbage brawl against Kane that was entertaining against all odds (and featured Bryan driving a goddamn forklift). His candle burned brightest, and while it was out by the end of May, he still turned in a resume that ultimately netted him a top 10 vote on my ballot.

Dave Kincannon: Daniel Bryan’s 2014 boils down to about 5 months, which is probably a big part of why he’s not number one on this list. Those five months were so good, that he couldn’t help but be elevated. He had a bunch of great matches with the likes of Bray Wyatt, Cesaro, and Christian, and tag team matches against the Shield, and the Usos. But, of course, the highlight of his year was that magical night in April when he defeated three quarters of Evolution to become WWE World Heavyweight Champion. I said in my blurb for Triple H that his match with Bryan may be one of the best WrestleMania matches in the event’s history. I was being a bit coy, because it definitely is one of the best matches in WrestleMania history, and Daniel Bryan’s performance throughout that WrestleMania is one of the best performances in the event’s history.

Frank McCormick: Bryan only really had three or four months of wrestling in 2014. But what a few months they were! Through the sheer excellence of his game, he overcame McMahon stubbornness to headline WrestleMania XXX in not one, but TWO amazing matches. That he, sadly, succumbed to injury almost immediately and was forced to sit out the rest of the year does not take away from the sheer amazingness of his achievement.

Joshua Browns: Bryan's January - May of 2014 were as good a 5 months as anybody's ever had, and him missing the other seven months are really the only thing keeping him from the top of this list.

Brandon Spears: Daniel Bryan is still one of the best wrestlers in the world today, but 2014 was not a great year in-ring wise, and it's nothing to do with anything he could've controlled. He wrestled for at least a third of the year so he's guaranteed to finish high up on my list, but I don't think I'm speaking out of school when I say I'm more interested in seeing what he does in 2015.

Ryan Foster: I don’t think it’s highly controversial to claim that a quarter-year of Daniel Bryan is better than a full year of almost everyone else on the roster. Bryan’s adaptation to the WWE style has robbed him of a portion of his technical brilliance but not of his fire and sheer ring ability, which he displays in every match every time. Bryan’s historic WrestleMania performance alone qualifies him for a spot near the top of this last, and you can add to that his match with Bray Wyatt which was for me easily the best WWE match of 2014. We’ll never know what could have been for Bryan this year, but what was was still damn special.

Luke Starr: I mean, everyone’s kind of touched on this already, right? Sure, the leader of the YES! Movement missed a good chunk of time in 2014. Sure, his feud with “The Demon Kane” was pretty hit or miss as far as their series of post-WrestleMania matches is concerned. But moving from a star-making classic with Bray Wyatt at the Royal Rumble to turning WrestleMania 30 from “solid” into one of the best PPV events the WWE has ever produced is no small feat. It’s easy to talk about what D-Bry does in the ring with some hyperbole, but a closer look shows that the hype is real when evaluating his matches; what he did with Bray Wyatt, Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista in the span of just a few months is on a Hulk Hogan/Steve Austin level of importance, and that’s before you get into what the man did on free TV in 2014.

Joey O: What is there left to say about D-Bry at this point? Even though he only was healthy and active for four months last year, he had the biggest night of his career at Wrestlemania, with two matches for the ages in the same show. No matter what happens with his career from here on out, no one can take that truly genuine WrestleMania Moment away from him. Here's to a healthy and safer 2015 for Bryan!

Nick Ahlhelm: He was so good and so loved and so awesome in the ring he forced WWE to put him not only into the WrestleMania XXX main event but to give him a win. No more needs to be said about why Daniel Bryan deserves such a high point in this list.

Bill DiFilippo: It says a lot about Daniel Bryan that he missed half of the year and had a kinda generic storyline (big evil bosses trying to hold down someone who isn’t “good enough”) and he’s still arguably the best wrestler on earth.

Niel Jacoby: Even though he spent half of the year injured and a quarter of it it feuding with Kane, from January to April Daniel Bryan put on some of the best matches of the year, from his match with Bray Wyatt at the Rumble to the Elimination Chamber, to his match with HHH and subsequent title triple threat at WrestleMania.

Erica Molinaro: Even though he was out for the majority of 2014, Daniel Bryan’s showing between January and April of last year was awesome. Between throwing off the influence of the Wyatt family and the stellar match at the Royal Rumble, his valiant fight against the odds to ultimately lose again at the Elimination Chamber, and his moments of ultimate triumph at WrestleMania 30, that four month run was a joy to watch. There are few people you can point to and guarantee that every match they are in has the potential to be something special. Bryan is at the top of that list.

Brandon Kyla: In truth, he really only wrestled during the first five months of 2014, but uh, lets just say he made 'em count.

Brad Canze: I feel like the only reason Daniel Bryan landed fourth on the final list is that he only worked until May of 2014. And we were all heartbroken and worried that he would never wrestle again. This is a guy who puts every ounce of effort, training, practice and knowledge into everything that he does, from a wristlock to a running knee strike. Daniel Bryan could literally wrestle a sack of bricks and make it entertaining. But enough insults about Batista. I'm happy that he's back wrestling, and I hope his 2015 shows us all that he's still the absolute cream of the crop he's been for years.

Martin Bentley: Although injury absence counts for a lot in polls like these, what Daniel Bryan managed to achieve in his short eligibility period was incredible. From making waves and worldwide news out of NOT WRESTLING IN A MATCH, to managing to get the WWE to change the plans for WrestleMania almost last-minute, to absolutely owning the build-up to said-WrestleMania, to competing in both of WrestleMania's best two matches, including getting the best match out of Triple H in many years. Sometimes it's not the time you get, but it's what you do with the time you get, and Daniel Bryan proves this more than anyone.

TJ Hawke: I'm not a week-to-week WWE fan; I seek out the big shows and the big matches. That's my way of saying I always value quality over quantity. That's why The Undertaker got high on my TWB100 2013 list, and it's why I voted Daniel Bryan #1 on my TWB100 2014 list. (To be fair, I did not watch a ton of wrestling from America and Canada in 2014. I'm not arrogant enough to claim that Bryan is the clear #1. He was just my #1.)

At the Royal Rumble, Bryan opened up the show by carrying Bray Wyatt to an excellent match that elevated Wyatt big time in terms of perception and credibility as a performer. Bryan then single-handily was responsible for making WrestleMania XXX one of the best Wrestlemanias of all time. He wrestled two matches for nearly an hour combined, and both of them were great. He got the best HHH match (free of smokes and mirrors that is) since at least 2008 (if not ever). He also managed to have the best match of Randy Orton's flat title reign and started the process of salvaging Batista's comeback. Before going on the injured list for the rest of the year, Bryan managed to do something that even John Cena couldn't do (in 2012): he got a good PPV main event out of Kane~!.

I went into such detail about Bryan's artistic accomplishments to stress how valuable I think his in-ring contributions were in 2014. He gave me more bang for my buck than any other wrestler did in 2014. That makes him my #1.

Monday, the most international entry comes in.

Funk and Sabu will be tangling again, only in the polls instead of in barbed wire Photo Credit: WWE.com

The weekend is over, so that means the Tournament of Champions is back on the docket. Before getting into today's region, the time has come to announce Friday's winners from the TNA region, Kurt Angle, Bully Ray, AJ Styles, and Samoa Joe. Today sees another venture into the land of extreme with the ECW Region:

1. Raven vs. 9. Masato Tanaka, TALE OF THE TAPE II
RAVEN - 235 lbs., from The Bowery, finishing hold - Even Flow DDT, leader of The Flock

TANAKA - 209 lbs., from Tokyo, Japan, finishing hold - Diamond Dust, Dangan




4. Terry Funk vs. 5. Sabu, TALE OF THE TAPE II
FUNK - 247 lbs., from the Double Cross Ranch in Amarillo, TX, finishing hold - Spinning Toe Hold, the Hardcore Legend

SABU - 220 lbs., from Bombay, India, finishing hold - Arabian Facebuster, the Most Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Man in Wrestling




14. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. 6. Shane Douglas, TALE OF THE TAPE II
BIGELOW - 390 lbs., from Asbury Park, NJ, finishing hold - Greetings from Asbury Park, The Beast from the East

DOUGLAS - 244 lbs., from Pittsburgh, PA, finishing hold - the Pittsburgh Plunge, The Franchise




2. Sandman vs. 10. Mikey Whipwreck, TALE OF THE TAPE II
SANDMAN - 244 lbs., from Philadelphia, PA, finishing hold - White Russian Leg Sweep, the King of Extreme

WHIPWRECK - 187 lbs., from Buffalo, NY, finishing hold - The Whippersnapper, the Extreme Underdog




Vote like it's the last time you'll ever get the chance!

Austin's last three shows detailed here Photo Credit: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed!
Episode: 204 (March 19, 2015)
Run Time: 1:41:46
Guest: Bas Rutten (5:42)

Summary: Austin is in studio with legendary Dutch mixed-martial artist Rutten. After some initial talk about going bald, they dig into Rutten’s childhood as a bullying victim who struggled with asthma. He explains how he would have been a chef if not for his fighting career. The bulk of the discussion focuses on Rutten’s fighting, including how it affected his marriage, his training, injuries and surgeries and the importance of the liver shot. They also talk a bit about Rutten’s decathlon background, his forays into acting, experiences with drugs and when fighting spills over into real life.

Quote of the week:“I never picked a fight. … Once I try to diffuse it, some of them think I’m afraid. … I said, ‘I’m not afraid, I hope you don’t think I’m afraid, I just don’t want to fight. It’s so useless to fight you, why would I want to fight you?’ And then if they say something back, I said, ‘I just don’t like to be the crap out of you. … I really like to enjoy beating your face in right now.’ If I start talking like that, or I say ‘I do not want to beat your face in,’ now I’m calling his bluff.”

Why you should listen: Rutten certainly has an interesting background and comes across as far more traveled and articulate than I’d assume for a career MMA fighter. He and Austin go into great detail about not just fighting techniques but certain memorable moments from Rutten’s career, which are certain to play well with anyone who has seen him compete. And when those stories are balanced against his tales of food prep and his favorite book (The Alchemist), it’s certainly an eclectic experience.

Why you should skip it: Have you ever heard of Bas Rutten before 30 seconds ago? I hadn’t either before I downloaded the show. And though he’s an interesting guy who has natural chemistry with Austin, it just seems Austin is way more into the conversation than the vast majority of his audience. There’s almost zero wrestling talk, so if that’s the reason you download the Austin show, move along. Also, near the end of the show Austin invokes an unfortunate, inappropriate use of the R word. Heads up if that’s a trigger.

Final thoughts: Were I not a completist, I’d have deleted this one out of hand and spent more time thinking about WrestleMania. It’s not a bad show — actually, it’s pretty good by Austin standards because he always does so much better with in-person interviews — it’s just that I couldn’t be less interested in the subject matter. There’s plenty of folks who like pro wrestling and MMA and possibly will love this show, I’m just not in that number. Still, if the alternative is listening to Austin reply to emails about whether he liked working better as a good guy or a bad guy, this is an improvement. And if you’re swimming in to-the-minute WWE news and analysis, this show at least is a completely different pool.

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Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 205 (March 24, 2015)
Run Time: 1:29:28
Guest: Court Bauer (30:49)

Summary: Austin is on the phone this week with fellow podcaster and frequent guest Court Bauer. Their talk begins with a spillover from Austin’s opening segment about driving around town with his wife, and they segue into the news of the Perro Aguayo Jr. death and how Rey Mysterio is dealing with the situation. That leads into a preview of WaleMania. Finally shifting to WrestleMania, they talk about the numbering convention before moving on to the matches themselves. Side trips included a look at the cosplay fans in Des Moines, the significance of the Intercontinental Championship and whether John Cena needs some time off.

Quote of the week:“You’ve got to start thinking about Bray Wyatt. Are you going to have him get beat two WrestleManias back to back? That’s not the greatest start to someone. I mean, you don’t start these characters down this road with two losses at WrestleMania. People remember these losses at WrestleMania, unlike on a RAW or on another pay-per-view. They remember this. So all of a sudden he just looks like he is not up to snuff, and I think that’s a dangerous thing to have.”

Why you should listen: Need to get in the mood for WrestleMania? Once you get through the extended open and the Bauer plugs, there’s actually a decent look at nearly the entire WrestleMania card, and Austin’s candor is refreshing. He might not be as pessimistic as many fans, but neither is he simply pushing the company line. Bauer’s around to make some decent points as well — certainly getting the chance to expand more on WrestleMania than he did during his too-brief stint on last week’s Cheap Heat.

Why you should skip it: Much like with Jim Ross’ Wednesday show, Austin and Bauer have the misfortune of recording in advance of the Brock Lesnar contract news. They also recorded before the go-home RAW, which might be important depending on how much you’re invested in week-to-week storytelling. The Aguayo death probably warrants its own full episode, but it’s understandable why Austin felt it was more important to focus on the upcoming show. Beyond that, Bauer is at risk of being dramatically overexposed to the point where no guest appearance is special.

Final thoughts: At this point I’m personally more interested in how WrestleMania sets up the next year of WWE narrative, and am quite happy to speculate how Sunday’s events will set things in motion rather than just ponder the potential outcomes. There’s a bit of that angle here, notably in regards to Cena, Lesnar and Daniel Bryan, but I’d have preferred more. Again, I get why Austin might not have wanted to wade too deeply into long-range speculation. If you don’t listen to Bauer’s own shows, you probably will enjoy him here. But this episode is by no means essential.

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Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed!
Episode: 206 (March 26, 2015)
Run Time: 1:41:27
Guest: Court Bauer (1:19:06)

Summary: Stone Cold is getting ready for WrestleMania this week. He shoots the breeze with his wife for about a half hour — mostly RV and LA talk, but he does try to explain to her the significance of the Showdown of the Immortals — and then he takes listener email questions all about his own WrestleMania history. Near the end of the episode he again calls Bauer, primarily discuss developments since they spoke Monday afternoon for the Tuesday show, notably RAW and the Brock Lesnar contract news.

Quote of the week: Austin: “All right everybody, I appreciate all the questions that you sent in. I’ll tell you what, there was a lot of repeat questions that were, you know, kind of the same old same old, but I hope I gave some pretty decent answers to the questions you’ve sent in.”

Why you should listen: If you’re new to the Steve Austin Show, this actually is a perfect episode. The opening banter is on point, and he does answer a lot of questions with candor. Even better, he curated the emails such that they all focused on WrestleMania. That and the fresh check-in with Bauer to cover the topics they couldn’t have hit on the Tuesday show makes this a fine lead-in to the biggest show of the year.

Why you should skip it: Most regular listeners will be able to recite Austin’s answers word for word. The only anecdote I don’t recall hearing on a prior show is how he forgot to pack his signature vest before heading to WrestleMania XV. That story, along with his fuzzy memories of WrestleMania 2000, is a sad window into the reality of the height of the Austin era: he most likely was a high-functioning alcoholic, and the combination of booze and physical abuse has rendered a good portion of the peak of his popularity almost indecipherable in his own memory. So, uh, if you’d rather not be confronted with that, maybe wait until someone he knows from Memphis in the early 1990s.

Final thoughts: As noted earlier, this episode is better suited for the infrequent listener. There’s plenty of other ways to get worked up for WrestleMania — one option is to go back and find the episodes in which Austin provided alternate commentary for his legendary matches against Bret Hart (13) and The Rock (X-Seven). This episode is OK, but it’s nothing more than a good way to burn an hour or two.

All hail your new overlord Photo Credit: WWE.com

This review is in the TH style, and yes, you're gonna want to get your free month of WWE Network on April 1 so you can see this goddamn glorious event for free in its entirety.

Highlights:

• Tyson Kidd and Cesaro retained the WWE Tag Team Championships in a four-way match against the Usos, Los Matadores, and New Day. Jimmy Uso hit the superfly splash on Big E, but Cesaro blind-tagged in before the splash and pinned E for the win.
• Big Show won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale by lastly eliminating Damien Sandow.
• Daniel Bryan won the Intercontinental Championship ladder match after headbutting Dolph Ziggler off the ladder.
• Randy Orton countered a curb stomp into a RKO for the win against Seth Rollins.
• After run-ins from the nWo and dX, Triple H defeated Sting with a sledgehammer shot to the head.
• AJ Lee and Paige defeated the Bella Twins when Lee tapped out Nikki with the Black Widow.
• John Cena wrested the United States Championship from Rusev after the former Champion knocked Lana off the apron and walked right into an Attitude Adjustment.
• Triple H and Stephanie McMahon were chased off from the ring by The Rock and Ronda Rousey after the former made bold claims that they "owned" all the wrestlers and fans.
• Undertaker defeated Bray Wyatt with a tombstone piledriver.
• The Brock Lesnar/Roman Reigns WWE World Championship main event was turned into a triple threat match near the very end when Rollins cashed in his briefcase during a moment of mutual vulnerability. He captured the belt when Reigns speared Lesnar out of the ring and Rollins hit Reigns with the curb stomp to get the pin.

General Observations:

• Byron Saxton kicked off the pre-show by saying "Call me Sally." Yeah, I don't think he's even ready for that stage yet.
• The first WrestleMania moment of the evening had to be J and J Security meeting up with their forefathers, Gerry Brisco and Pat Patterson backstage. I'm hoping somewhere down the line they can have a comedy match together, if the latter two are up for it.
• Booker T previewing AJ Lee and Paige against the Bella Twins by repeating his heinous "Women naturally hate each other" line was disappointing but not surprising, but Renee Young agreeing with him? C'mon man. C'MON.
• The intros to the Tag Title match were funny and sad at the same time, because even the birds stopped chirping when New Day came out. That gimmick is so dead in the water, which makes me happy because maybe it'll send a message to Vince McMahon that his fans are a bit more cultured than to fall for blatantly racially stereotypical gimmicks.
• Cesaro tossing Jey Uso into the barricade early was a great way to cover for his injury, and Jimmy working a faux-handicap match gimmick wasn't the worst thing in the world, especially when he went all SUPERKICK PARTY like a one-man Young Buck or paid tribute to his dad by ramming his ass in everyone else's face.
• ROH, WWN Live, and Hoodslam in aggregate produced a slate of over a dozen shows over the weekend as ancillary dates to Mania weekend, and WWE openly trolled them all by having a double tower of doom superplex spot on the fucking pre-show. Well-played, WWE road agents. Well-played.
• Curtis Axel getting mobbed deep by everyone in the Andre the Giant Battle Royale was the best possible way for his Rumble stuff to get paid off.
• Alex Riley doesn't have a whole lot of use outside of getting murked by Kevin Owens, but seeing him tangle with The Miz and Damien Sandow was a layer of continuity that WWE seems to tread upon every once in awhile.
• Ryback eliminating both Darren Young and Heath Slater in short order made me think that a Nexus reunion probably wasn't in the cards. It's fun to dream, however.
• WWE has been huffing straight garbage most of the year, but the absolute worst thing to happen has to be Big Show as the Battle Royale All-Star of 2015. It was irritating in the Royal Rumble, but the way he just dumped awesome dudes like Hideo Itami, Ryback, and even Kofi Kingston without a second thought was straight garbage. I get it. WWE is probably feeling bad it didn't make use of Show's largeness his entire career. But he's in the twilight. Give that shine to someone, and don't make the dude from your awesome developmental program zero fanfare and a shitty elimination.
• The Miz/Sandow explosion, however, came off just as well as I remember the Ted DiBiase/Virgil breakup. For whatever reason, I wasn't as mad at Show eliminating Sandow to win as much as I thought Sandow came off looking like a golden god.
• I was surprised Tyson Kidd didn't reappear behind Aloe Blacc during his rendition of "America the Beautiful" and put on his Beats headphones...
• LL Cool J's "hosting" duties didn't even involve him being at the fucking stadium. Then again, I wasn't really clamoring for him to be there anyway.
• I didn't expect the Intercontinental Championship match participants to get big entrances, but Stardust coming out dressed like Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon showed at least one of the competitors had a flair for the moment. Fuck, R-Truth didn't even rap his theme song.
• Stardust's BEDAZZLED LADDER was a flawless representation of his character, which is why Wade Barrett immediately breaking a rung off it before it was used was a bit depressing. However, the silver lining immediately became evident when Barrett started beating the shit out of people with said rung. I'm not a hard carbon-based lifeform to please.
• Dean Ambrose going through that ladder via the Luke Harper powerbomb brought back some painful memories of Sin Cara (Original Flavor) getting broken in half by Sheamus at Money in the Bank 2011. One would think WWE would scale back those kinds of bumps, but then again, maybe Ambrose taking that had implications for later, assuming WWE has not forgotten about his promise to keep Seth Rollins from cashing in. (Note, WWE has probably forgotten about Ambrose's promise to keep Rollins from cashing in.)
• Daniel Bryan winning the match by headbutting Dolph Ziggler off the ladder proved once again that both men really know how to draw new blood from the same stone. I never expected those two to get in a headbutt war, but it looked stiff and wonderful.
• I understand the use of situational no-selling to drive a point home, but Randy Orton nonchalantly walking towards Rollins and lariating him after he got buckle-bombed early on the match felt egregious even by ridiculous "everyone gets all Mojo Rawley'd up for WrestleMania" standards.
• Both Orton and Rollins seemed uncharacteristically off in this match until the very end with the finish, especially on Rollins' Asai moonsault to the outside where he caught more of the announce table than Orton.
• I'm gonna get it out of the way now. I absolutely HATED how nearly every match had finisher kickouts. I know Mania's supposed to have a heightened atmosphere, but by my count, four of the seven main-show matches had finisher kickouts, five if you count John Cena breaking out of the Accolade. I want WWE to take some cues from the indies, just not that specific cue.
• However, the counter of the curb stomp into the RKO was visually stunning and the best trick RKO counter since Orton and Evan Bourne synced up to turn the latter's shooting star press into OUT OF NOWHERE. It was without a doubt the best finish of the night.
• Sting/Triple H brought out the first two grandiose entrances of the night. Sting's intro being preceded by Asian rhythmic drummers was bad-ass if somewhat ill-fitting for his character. However, the Triple H entrance, oh man. I admit the T-800s flanking him were awesome, but the graphics on the Tron and Arnold Schwarzenegger's pre-taped promo all made the entrance feel as cheesy and hokey as 1997 WCW. Maybe that was the point since the entire match was a homage to WCW's shittiest aspects. To illustrate, here are SUB-BULLETS:
• The no-disqualification stipulation was announced so quickly that I didn't even notice until Degeneration-X came out.
• Sting's backup was the fucking New World Order, and not even the Wolfpac subset that he was foolishly a part of. HULK HOGAN came out as backup despite never fighting on the same side as Sting ever in WCW.
• Sting broke Triple H's sledgehammer in half, and Trips STILL used it to win the match.
• After the match ended, THEY SHOOK HANDS.
• Other than all that, I had no problems with the Triple H/Sting match.
• One other thing to note from the nWo/dX shenanigans was that Hogan actually BUMPED to the floor on the outside taking a punch from X-Pac and didn't shatter into a billion little pieces. Countdown to the newz sites reporting he wants one more match in three... two... one...
• The Ron Simmons Annual DAMN Segment actually came off as really sweet and endearing for Bryan as all the old Intercontinental Champions who made it to Mania paraded back to put him over. Of course, the only way to rehab said belt is for Bryan to be protected as Champion and be allowed to put on awesome long matches, but having all those legends give him dap is not a bad start.
• I may be in the minority, but I didn't mind the Skylar Gray/Kid Ink musical interlude, although I would have put it between the Undertaker match and the main event. The Gray song, which was featured prominently as Mania's theme, actually was pretty catchy. A veritable earworm, if you wiiiiill.
• The Bella Twins kept knocking Lee off the apron during the first part of the match, which made me wonder if the Lee/Paige team was working some kind of Hollywood Knives tribute gimmick for the match. Then again, Lee did end up being more of use in the match than Bradley Axel Dawson ever did...
• Lee was clearly the weakest link in the match, but of all the spots, her tornado stun gun was the coolest-looking outside Nikki's Kawada Tribute Forearm.
• Rusev's entrance was by far the coolest WrestleMania entrance since at least John Cena's gangster parade in Chicago. Having Lana lead in the Russian troops carrying the flag to the Soviet national anthem would have been enough, but Rusev entering in a tank should pretty much cement him as a full-on icon at this point.
• Meanwhile, Cena pandered to 'MURCA using a bunch of Presidential quotes which to be frank, wasn't even in the top three of WWE using jingoism to appeal to the classic heroic mystique.
• I don't know if this was Rusev's best match in a WWE ring (although it probably was), but he certainly made a concerted effort to make it feel like the biggest, pulling out big moves he never had before, going the extra mile with gesticulating and shit-talking. He belonged on the main stage and should be a mainstay for years to come.
• Rusev waved the Russian flag after getting an early advantage, which would have been awesome enough until the crowd actually ERUPTED in cheers for him when he did it. Oh Cena, what hast thou wrought?
• Even better was when Rusev got in Cena's face and shouted "YOU CAN'T SEE ME, JOHN CENA." At that point in the match, I wanted to fly on a plane all the way to San Jose and hug his borscht-smelling ass in gratitude for being so goddamn awesome.
• The only explanation for the springboard hop-back stunner Cena pulled off was that he secretly watches old ROH tapes with his future brother-in-law Bryan. Orton may be the WWE wrestler who most frequently adds these new, indie-riffic moves to his arsenal, but Cena does every once in awhile and it's even more surreal because he always seems to execute them on his own like Pablo Picasso would paint a still life.
• I get the feeling WWE is going to be breaking up Rusev and Lana in the aftermath of how she figured into costing him the match, but would that ever be a goddamn asinine decision.
• I honestly had no idea where the Authority/Rock segment was going until the crowd started chanting "Ronda Rousey! Ronda Rousey!" I fully admit to not being on board with her for various reasons (not the least of which are her ugly opinions on social issues like transsexuals), and even now, I still don't give her a pass for said ugliness. However, she commanded the ring, giving truth to her "Any ring I step in is my ring" statement. I'm psyched to see her perform now, which wasn't something I would have said ten minutes before she popped in the ring.
• That being said, at least Rocky kept the stupid gendered insults to a bare minimum, which sadly for him is like two per ten minutes of promo time.
• I never thought I'd live to see the day when Undertaker's Mania entrance was completely outshone by his opponent, but Bray Wyatt's animated scarecrow walkers were legitimately creepy and way more visually stunning than Undertaker's, uh, fog machine?
• A "You still got it!" chant for Sting earlier in the night was annoying but kind of appropriate given that most fans in the audience may have seen minuscule footage of him in TNA if any at all. But for the Undertaker? Get all the way the fuck outta here with that shit.
• For having been reported as suffering a severely sprained ankle earlier in the day, Wyatt moved around the ring pretty well. I didn't enjoy the match as much as some, but knowing what was reported, it was still an admirable effort.
• The match, however, had a similar feeling to the Taker/Trips match from WrestleMania XXVII, when they would hit each other with a big spot and then lay around for a minute or two afterwards like they had just been through a war. If you don't earn the layabout spot, don't take it.
• But the visual with Wyatt arching up into his inverted crab walk being countered by Taker's zombie sit-up may have made the whole match worth it. I agree with ya boy @FanSince09 that Wyatt taking the L here after carrying the entire feud for two months was weak as shit, but I still think he came off looking like a star.
• Roman Reigns' police escort for his entrance had me struggling to hide the sniggling under my breath because it really is not his fault that everyone fucking hates his guts. WWE botched him so bad in the lead up to the match.
• Brock Lesnar's "squash you until it's excessive" match formula got a bit old back at SummerSlam, even though I know it's good booking. However, three things made his beatdown of Reigns more impressive. First, not going for the cover after the first F5 gave a lot of weight behind Paul Heyman's "prison beating" comments beforehand. Second, Reigns smiling while he was getting his ass whipped legitimized his unbelievable comeback after the second and third F5s. It was tremendous foreshadowing. Third, Reigns getting his shit in at the end felt a lot more forceful and hopeful than anything Cena did at SummerSlam. Lesnar is a known quantity, but he's not one that necessarily "carries" a match. He does what he does, and how the opponent reacts to it is how good the match will be, and Reigns, up to the climactic swerve point, showed that he had the wherewithal to take Lesnar's barrage and turn it into a worthwhile story.
• That all being said, Lesnar was on some next level shit, especially on the first hope spot where Reigns caught him with a knee on the apron. After shrugging it off, the lariat he nailed Reigns with was more brutal-looking than most of the big spots in the opening ladder match.
• "WELCOME TO SUPLEX CITY, BITCH." I want those words carved on my tombstone. Seriously, that was some Mark Henry-level in-ring shit-talking, and it may have been my favorite moment of the night, by far.
• WWE will never retire the Money in the Bank briefcase, but I would  not blame the company if it did after the way Rollins cashed it in. It was the last possible shock cash-in, a Mania main event cash-in WHILE the match was in progress. I didn't think WWE had the cajones to pull that move off, but it came off like a million bucks.

Match of the Night:Rusev (c) vs. John Cena, WWE United States Championship Match - John Cena, the ace performer of WWE, has had quite a few stellar pay-per-view main event performances, and yet at WrestleMania, he tends to come up short. Sometimes, it's match layout that does him in like at WrestleMania XXV. Sometimes, he has to lug dead weight around the ring like both bouts against The Rock. But for whatever reason, he seems to underwhelm at the biggest show of the year. But the ingredients were in place this year for him to steal a show that usually is handed to him on a silver platter. Rusev was the hungry young lion who'd been putting in great HOSS-style performances that mesh well with Cena's oeuvre. They knocked it out of the park.

Rusev had received platforms on somewhat large stages before, but a marquee WrestleMania match seemed like the challenge that a NXT product on the last leg of his rookie year on the main roster wouldn't necessarily be a lock to not wilt, but he not only didn't falter, he rose to the occasion. He was always in place, quick to his exchanges, and stiff with his strikes. His shit-talking game rose to new heights, shouting "YOU CAN'T SEE ME, JOHN CENA," before kneeing him in the gut and slamming his spine out of his back. If one was to look for the shaken rookie in this match, that theoretical person would not be able to find him.

And it was this opponent in whom Cena found the best opponent. He was able to work as an underdog, even with the announcers muted. His feats of strength looked gargantuan, especially breaking out of the Accolade. And he even went to the random indie move well to bust out a shocking yet well-done springboard Ace crusher. If one can put aside the false cacophony around Cena and live with the LOLCENAWINZ booking, then that person might be able to find from a pure standpoint how awesome a spectacle and how well-wrestled a match he turned in at WrestleMania. It depends on how I'd feel after re-watching his matches at Mania 23 against Shawn Michaels or 26 against Batista, but this could very well be his best Mania match ever.

Overall Thoughts: WrestleMania 31 was the weirdest installment I have ever remembered watching. On one hand, the only "new blood" guy who won his match against an established wrestler wasn't even booked to be in the match until about 7/8 of the way through it. On the other hand, the decision I was most mad at happened on the pre-show. Bray Wyatt allegedly fucked up his ankle and yet came out and performed admirably under duress between two of the most surreal title matches in Mania history. Triple H set out to "bury" WCW by competing in a match that followed every stereotypical trope that put WCW in the ground in one contest, from the introduction all the way to the postmatch handshake. The biggest woman athlete in the world made a debut wearing a DragonBallZ shirt. Most importantly, or weirdly, WWE put on one of its most competent, solid Manias. It wasn't a spectacular effort like X-7 or even last year. But in a history of flagship events that have floundered more often than not, a show like this most recent one deserves note.

The main event was the capstone, and in an odd sort of tachyonic time-reverse manner, the show trickled backwards. Viewed out of order, the spamming of the old guard winning makes some kind of sense if the endgame was going to put a largely unproven entity on top of the company. If Lesnar retained, then sure, the crowd didn't need the safety and security of Undertaker winning or Vince McMahon didn't need his own security blankets of John Cena and Randy Orton taking home wins. IF Reigns was going to be winning, then something else would have had to have happened short of a miracle about face by the crowd on him (which some people swear happened anyway) to alleviate throwing fuel on that garbage fire.

But Seth Rollins ending the show on a gamble needed some kind of security beforehand. The cash-in DURING the match had to be the gutsiest booking call in recent memory, and having him succeed at the expense of the special attraction monster the company just re-signed and the guy McMahon wanted to ram down everyone's throat needed a special kind of gusto, bravery that may not have been seen since McMahon turned Steve Austin heel at the end of X-7. One could argue that the Rollins win had a higher degree of safety to it because Money in the Bank cash-ins are titillating, Rollins was over as a face in front of the "smark"-heavy Mania crowd, and because Rollins was already a heel anyway in alignment and to everyone else. The Attitude Era wasn't built on his back. He didn't have fans to let down, because the ones who already liked him were rooting for him to cash it the fuck in anyway.

Still, the decision took some bit of fortitude, the kind of fortitude that WWE seems to lack nowadays. Honestly, I will believe a turned corner when I see it, but on the converse, WWE has never been a company built on consistently strong booking from top to bottom. Its backbone was cults of personality doing outrageous things with little regard to whether they made sense or not. WWE has the mix in its primordial ooze right now. Rollins, Lesnar, Cena, Daniel Bryan, Dean Ambrose, maybe Roman Reigns, definitely Bray Wyatt, and possibly Ronda Rousey (?!?!) could turn out to have the kind of effect that could turn this event into a watershed into the next boom period. OR maybe the company could fuck it all up again in the next month. I have no idea.

But standing on its own, WrestleMania 31 was a rarity, and the fact that it came a year after perhaps its strongest effort ever is a downright miracle at this point. WWE often gets its flagship show wrong that when it's done right, it can take the fans aback. The fact that it was booked like a five-year old throwing shit against the wall going into it made the show all the more surprising. But at least it was a pleasant surprise.

The first shows have been announced Graphics Credit: Global Force Wrestling site

Press release via WrestleChat

More news about Global Force Wrestling's proper debut have been released, and the big hook is that the first three shows will be television tapings. The shows will all emanate from the Orleans Arena on July 24, August 21, and October 23 of this year, all falling on Fridays. The curious thing here is that while the dates are all confirmed for taping, no television deal has been announced yet. Again, the end of the release says to keep watching for more details coming out, but I would think that an outlet for the end result of these tapings would be necessary.

Still, Jeff Jarrett, who spent last night live-analyzing WrestleMania at SB Nation, has proven in the last year or so that he's willing to be deliberate with the rollout of his new promotion. I hope that he's not taping with no net and hoping to shop the results around to a slew of networks that don't have any interest, but my guess is that the way wrestling is growing again, some network, whether big like Spike TV or smaller like one of the boutique sub-networks that are popping up, Jarrett has something lined up.

Slowly but surely, GFW is taking shape. Announcing television tapings is a bold move, but it seems to be one of a company that has some kind of vision and direction. While the man helming that direction doesn't exactly have the best track record creatively, at least he's inching and inching closer to being able to show whether his spots have changed or not.

3. Cesaro
Points: 6598
Ballots: 73
Highest Vote Received:1st Place (Charles Humphreys, Mike Pankowski, Niel Jacoby, Francis Adu)
Last Year's Placement: 2nd Place

TH: Cesaro was the poster child for booking obscuring sheer results. One thinks that a month such as Cesaro's February could not be forgotten? WWE and Vince "I think Cesaro doesn't connect because millennials or some shit" McMahon took it as a personal challenge to make the audience forget. I'm the biggest proponent of not letting booking obscure results, but I didn't really realize I'd probably underrated Cesaro (and I had him sixth!) until I had already tabulated 20 or so ballots and thought it a pain to revise. The truth is, Cesaro put on a goddamn show any time he was in the ring, whether he was given all the shine in the world in February or he was languishing in jobber roles at the end of the year, being made to enhance everyone but himself. The man hustles like no other, and he stands out whenever the bell rings.

Dave Kincannon: Cesaro is proof that talent can often overcome bad booking. The first few months of 2014 featured Cesaro wrestling brilliantly, and rising in the ranks as part of the Real Americans with Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. He won the inaugural Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale by lifting up Big Show and throwing him out of the ring, which still impresses the hell out of me. We thought big things were in store for him, especially when he got Paul Heyman as his new manager. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t turn out as well as most fans would have hoped. He floundered in the middle of the card most of the year, but if he was bothered by his placement, he never let it interfere with his work in the ring. He is a consummate professional, and one of the best wrestlers in the world…I just hope that WWE figures that out soon.

James Girouard: If there's ever been a more criminally overlooked great worker in WWE, it's Cesaro. Rarely does somebody have as many excellent matches as he does with a variety of opponents (Dolph Ziggler, Sami Zayn, Sheamus) and yet be considered an afterthought.

Frank McCormick: What is there left to say about Cesaro? He's great, he's strong, he's terribly misused. He's a Swiss Superman stuck playing Aquaman. FACT!

Kevin Held: I've said this for the last three years, but if I were to start a wrestling company tomorrow and can only take one guy off the WWE roster, it's Cesaro. He looks like he was carved out of marble, and not in the gross bodybuilder way. He's legitimately one of the strongest human beings I've ever seen and is capable of super impressive feats of said strength. He can legitimately wrestle anybody and make them look like a million bucks. He speaks multiple languages. And, oh yeah, dude can HOSS it up with the best of 'em.

Rene Sanchez: WrestleMania XXX is an all-time favorite of mine and that is not because Daniel Bryan finally got his “WrestleMania moment”, but because Cesaro won the Andre The Giant Battle Royal and thus became the biggest, baddest mid-carder on the block (for that brief moment). Cesaro started 2014 with incredible match after incredible match and proved that he was a true gem inside the ring. Even in the aforementioned Battle Royal, Cesaro scoop slammed Big Show out of the ring the win the match. Who else (besides Brock Lesnar) can do that?! Cesaro can do anything you want in the ring and he will do it with a unique move set that only he possesses in the WWE. Hurry up and push Cesaro already!

Brandon Spears: I don't think I'm being hyperbolic when I state that Cesaro might be the closest thing humanity has to a perfect physical specimen. Okay, maybe a little hyperbolic. Whether it was holding his own against John Cena and Randy Orton on RAW or stealing the show with Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger on Superstars, Cesaro continued to find ways to leave me in complete disbelief and awe over his physical acumen. But it was his match with Sami Zayn at NXT's ArRIVAL (a match that I have now seen over ten times) that gave me no choice but to put him this high up on my list.

Ryan Foster: Sometimes you need to stop worrying about booking and brass rings and just enjoy the wrestling you have in front of you. Cesaro has become easily WWE’s most consistently strong wrestler, delivering quality performances against all types of opponents from the main event all the way down to developmental. Aside from his impressive strength and agility, Cesaro is a master of match pacing and build, and crowds react accordingly. In a year in which the “WWE match” reached a nearly un-watchable level of blandness, Cesaro provided a reason to watch every time he appeared on TV.

Joey O: Stone Cold's favorite underpushed member of the WWE roster delivered every time he stepped in the ring. His Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal should have the been the catalyst for an incredible 2014, but his muddled storylines slowed him down. Also, don't forget that the final chapter of his feud with Sami Zayn took place at NXT ArRIVAL in February of last year.

Nick Ahlhelm: It’s hard to name anyone as consistent in the ring as the man once known as Claudio Castagnoli. His year started out strong before fizzling post-Wrestlemania, but his NXT Arrival opener against Sami Zayn is easily one of the best matches of the entire year. Sadly, he didn’t have the depth and range of matches a lot of folks were allowed on this list, but that doesn’t mean that Cesaro deserves to move past the Vince McMahon characterization of him to a strong spot for years to come.

Mike Pankowski: Cesaro is just the greatest at everything. When he gets more than 5 minutes, the match is usually the match of that night’s show. Hell, he likely is a contender for that title in a match that goes under 3 minutes. His match against Sami Zayn at Arrival was a fantastic cap to that feud. His performance at the Wrestlemania battle royal was one of many joys from that night. And when he gets beat, which was unfortunately far too often in the latter part of the year, he always made his opponent look great in the process. 2014 was Cesaro’s year as the best in the ring.

Niel Jacoby: If the main criterion of this poll is pure in-ring work, Cesaro is the obvious #1 pick. Very few people were as consistent with providing great matches week in, week out. From the beginning of the year when he was facing off with Cena, Orton, and Christian and performing in the Elimination Chamber, to the middle of the year when he performed some of the riskiest stunts in the Money In The Bank match, to the end of the year, where he dragged Ryback to a legitimately good match on RAW.

Brandon Kyla: No one's career path in wrestling makes me angrier than Cesaro's right now. Not that it's any fault of his, but his absurd dip between "Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale winner/Paul Heyman Guy" and "Tag Team Champion" (which didn't even happen in 2014, so, uh) is grossly upsetting for someone who is so unrealistically good at the sport of pro wrestling like Cesaro. Still though, a guy like Cesaro can go through the motions for a year and still come out smelling of roses. Or fine Swiss chocolates. He's that good.

Martin Bentley: The Swiss Superman ran wild in the early part of the year, ruling both the main roster against big names and also in NXT with Sami Zayn. He wins the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, looking very impressive and giving off the impression he could be a future top guy. He's put with the guiding light that is Paul Heyman. And yet the Audience of One is unmoved. But that doesn't matter here, and whether pushed or ignored, Cesaro was one of the most solid workers of the year, and that can't be denied.

Tomorrow, one of the most controversial figures of 2014 is profiled.

Protecting the Champions shouldn't be a once-a-year thing Photo Credit: WWE.com

Why can't every RAW be the RAW after WrestleMania? I saw this question posed on Twitter a couple of times before tonight's show began, and the flat ending notwithstanding, I'd say the three hour telecast delivered at least partially on its lofty expectations. The simple answer is that because WrestleMania can't happen every week, the watershed RAW that follows cannot occur every week either. But who says that WWE is only limited to booking a complete show from top to bottom one week out of the year?

No, surprise debuts or random turns (although none of the latter happened tonight) shouldn't be the rule of the day. Smartass crowds who sometimes forget their freedom of expression should really not include hurling misogyny at women performers aren't showing up in every arena. Vince McMahon doesn't have a Scrooge McDuck-like vault filled with gold doubloons to pay Brock Lesnar to show up every week. And to a point, all those things being confined to one RAW, especially Lesnar taking fantasy booking right from my head and turning into an uncontrollable raging manbeast, creates the special kind of atmosphere that is special only to one show out of the 52-53 (depending on how the calendar falls) episodes a year. Only one show should be the RAW after WrestleMania.

But what about all the other things that made RAW special tonight? Certainly, booking the Intercontinental and United States Champions as confident, talented masters of their trade rather than pathetic wire-frames from Super Smash Bros. isn't something that could or should only be done once a year. So what if the titleholders are Daniel Bryan and John Cena respectively? Who says that WWE can only protect guys who need it but really don't need it at the same time? Why can't a monkey wrench be thrown into the plans every once in awhile and lead to things like Dean Ambrose making the challenge to Cena instead of Rusev for the 3927th time? These precepts aren't special; they're essential to having a wrestling show that is worth watching every week.

Every episode is not going to be as memorable as the RAW after Mania, but that's okay. Not every episode needs to go a mile a second. But building off tonight's show and constructing narratives that move forward instead of vacillating from side to side like a pendulum would be a wonderful way to build of what can only be described as WWE's most successful Sunday/Monday bookend since Payback and the RAW after last year.

If you've noticed, I don't really post these Instant Feedback entries that much anymore because WWE hasn't given me much a reason, the same reason why I eschewed the WrestleMania Countdown preview series. WWE had fallen into such a rut that writing about it each week seemed counterproductive. I don't like not writing about current shows. I want WWE to give me something to write about. Hopefully, this week wasn't just an aberrant sign of life before falling back into cardiac arrhythmia within two more weeks. Every week can't be the RAW after Mania, granted, but every week can certainly be the RAW after Mania, if that makes sense.

DDP and Sting will be facing off in today's matchups, and hey, Flair has a match too! Photo Credit: WWE.com

The second round comes to a close today with the WCW Region, but before, it's time to recount the winners from the ECW Region: Raven, Terry Funk, Bam Bam Bigelow, and Sandman. WCW will now take center stage, even after Triple H did his best to continue WWE's ongoing burial of a 14-year dead promotion. IT STILL LIVES IN HERE *points to where heart is on chest*

1. Ric Flair vs. 8. Booker T, TALE OF THE TAPE II
FLAIR - 243 lbs., from Charlotte, NC, finishing hold - Figure Four Leglock, The Nature Boy

BOOKER - 256 lbs., from Houston, TX, finishing hold - The Bookend/Harlem Hangover/Axe Kick, King Booker




4. Dusty Rhodes vs. 5. Big Van Vader, TALE OF THE TAPE II
RHODES - 272 lbs., from Austin, TX, finishing hold - The Bionic Elbow, The American Dream

VADER - 450 lbs., from The Rocky Mountains, finishing hold - The Vader Bomb, The Mastodon




3. Lex Luger vs. 6. Goldberg, TALE OF THE TAPE II
LUGER - 275 lbs., from Chicago, IL, finishing hold - the Torture Rack, the Total Package

GOLDBERG - 285 lbs., from Atlanta, GA, finishing hold - The Jackhammer, the Man




2. Sting vs. 7. Diamond Dallas Page, TALE OF THE TAPE II
STING - 250 lbs., from Venice Beach, CA, finishing hold - Scorpion Death Lock/Scorpion Death Drop, The Icon

DDP - 248 lbs., from the Jersey Shore, finishing hold - The Diamond Cutter, The Original People's Champion




Vote like no one's watching.

Tarver is Cabana's guest this week Photo Credit: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Art Of Wrestling
Episode: 243 (March 26, 2015)
Run Time: 1:08:54
Guest: Michael Tarver (10:27)

Summary: Colt Cabana’s this week is Michael Tarver, the only original Nexus member no longer with WWE. The conversation opens with a look at Tarver’s controversial past with Gregory Iron and heat Tarver might have with various WWE personalities. Cabana explains how Dusty Rhodes favored Tarver during his time in the developmental system and the Tarver promo that raised his profile. Tarver offers stories of a difficult childhood, the way race relations have affected his life and sources of inspiration. There’s a little talk about his post-WWE life before they talk about Tarver’s mid-2000s stints of homelessness, depression and suicide attempts, but the chat ends with Tarver’s new perspective on life.

Quote of the week: Tarver, on surviving a suicide attempt: “Obviously that wasn’t meant to be. And if it’s not meant to be, then I have no business trying to take my life into my own hands, because it doesn’t belong to me. It’s not mine to take. And not even just referring to God, but my family, my children. I just kept having visions of my children growing up, my daughter’s life being altered … and her becoming a completely different person.”

Why you should listen: Tarver is the classic example of the guy you know of from television but don’t know much about because his real life was never a significant part of his (limited) character development. He’s very matter-of-fact about circumstances many others would cite as an excuse, and though it might not be incredibly timely, getting Tarver’s side of the story in regards to conflict with Iron and John Cena is the kind of thing Cabana’s podcast exists to address without sensationalism.

Why you should skip it: If you’re looking for a lot of insight on NXT Season 1, the historic Nexus angle or the struggles of life in WWE developmental, you’ve come to the wrong place. Perhaps you’ve made up your mind in regards to taking Iron’s side and have no interest in hearing Tarver’s version. This chat is kind of scattered and nonsequential, so if you can’t give it a good amount of attention, you might not catch the key parts.

Final thoughts: There’s a chance Tarver wouldn’t be so comfortably candid in another forum, but I think a more formal interview setting would yield a more interesting performance from Tarver. Often I disagree with Cabana on the amount of context and background needed for his guest’s stories. Cabana errs on the side of not interrupting the flow of the chat, but I usually wish I had a more firm understanding of the incidents in question in order to appreciate the guest’s insight as I hear it, not later after I hit up Wikipedia. All that said, in a week full of WrestleMania preview podcasts, this was a great alternative. It’s far from perfect, but it’s by no means a waste of an hour.

Is anything as real as a dream? Photo Credit: Zia Hiltey

The Estonian Farmer Frog saga has taken a turn for the bizarre as he released a curious video on his YouTube page. As it turns out, being an agriculturally inclined anthropomorphic amphibian allows that being to video tape his or her dreams and post them to YouTube. This dream featured the Farmer Frog battling with a familiar face, or maybe he was wrestling with... himself?

One could interpret the video in many different ways. Is the Thunder Frog dead and haunting the current Farmer incarnation? Does the battle within continue to rage? Was the dream set to a Sia song because no one has ever seen her real face either? Furthermore, if the Thunder Frog is still alive somewhere, could other departed Chikara spirits also be restless and looking to come back? The Latvian Proud Oak, Archibald Peck, Kobald, and various Wrestle Factory trainees have all been lost to the void. Additionally, Tursas has popped back up in Beyond Wrestling after he met his fate from the business end of the Thunder Frog's hammer. Then again, I'm not sure how much continuity Beyond and Chikara share with each other, although it is enough that the two promotions will be teaming up to run a Fête Music tripleheader on July 26.

It was once said that in comic books, only Bucky Barnes ever stayed dead, and even that maxim was proven false when he popped back up as The Winter Soldier. Of all the wrestling promotions out there, Chikara's ethos is most like a comic book, so it should follow that no one in the Chikaraverse is truly "dead." That goes for everyone from the big guys like Peck and the Frog down to the seemingly minor characters like even the Brown Morning of Belarus. If the endgame with this Farmer Frog stuff is bringing the Thunder Frog back to life, then it will set a tone for the rest of the reanimated should they come back. But then again, if and when they do come back, how will their minds be? I still think a Chikara Zombies story is not only on the table, but could very well be on the horizon for Season 16. The question is who will be the ones to lead them into battle? My guess is that the veritable "Black Hand" may be moving more than just corpses at the present time. You guys do know that Hallowicked and Frightmare answer to an unknown master, right?

ETA: Apparently, another reanimated being, the aforementioned Tursas, has caught wind of the Frog's reappearance, and guess what, he's still got a stick in his craw over that whole being hammered into the void thing:

Grow that corn as high as you can, toad. Hiding in the stalks might keep you on this realm slightly longer than last time.

— Tursas (@WarTursas) March 26, 2015

To be absolutely fair, I really don't blame him, either. Sounds like the demons are awakening in Chikara. I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Big Kev had him a Mania, didn't he Photo Credit: WWE.com

While Hulk Hogan and Scott Hall made bigger waves for taking bumps on the floor despite their perceived physical conditions, it was Kevin Nash who ruled the day among the New World Order cavalry that came to back Sting up at WrestleMania. I don't know how many people caught it - I know I missed it on first go-around - but when Billy Gunn trucked him, Nash fell to the ground and in a moment of self-awareness, clutched his famously-much torn quadriceps muscle, as captured in this mini-video captured by @Connox94.

Nash had a response to the whole thing himself, which he posted on his Twitter:

Injury update it appears my feelings were hurt that Billy can still move like a freight train. Great main event -show pic.twitter.com/Y4h6dqmh3C
— Kevin Nash (@RealKevinNash) March 30, 2015

If nothing else, no one can accuse Nash of not having a sense of humor, at least in this scenario. The match itself seemed to inspire a lot of strong reactions, but even the most ardent and stringent haters of it (read, me) definitely had a chance to find some classic nuggets of nostalgia. Nash playing into his injury history may be a bit morbid to some, but he at least is aware of his lot in life.

2. Seth Rollins
Points: 6769
Ballots: 72
Highest Vote Received:1st Place (James Girouard, Dan McQuade, Brock Lutefisk, Frank McCormick, Rene Sanchez, Brian Brown, John Henderson, Bill DiFilippo, Brian Coulter, Joey Splashwater, Brandon Armstrong, Pablo Alva, Kevin Newburn, Mike Tunison, Ian Riccaboni)
Last Year's Placement: 3rd Place

TH: While I was not nearly as high on Rollins as my peers or even as I was last year, one cannot deny that he was among the top workers in WWE and in America in 2014. When The Shield turned face, he was allowed to settle into his most natural role, a hard-bumping, high-spot taking, best-possible-Jeff Hardy babyface who got the crowd invested by nearly getting pummeled to death before pulling out the ultimate gamble in an attempt to win. The couple of months between the Royal Rumble and Payback featured his best work with no coincidence. Afterwards, he was shunted into a heel role that didn't suit him as well, and even though his matches with anyone but Dean Ambrose left a bit to be desired, he worked hard and put his back into working the way he was asked to. I'll be counting down the days when Rollins turns back and becomes that which he is destined to be, but in the meantime, he's still doing some fine work in WWE rings.

James Girouard: From an in-ring perspective, Seth Rollins basically held the WWE upper mid-card and main event scene together the second half of the year. If there's a reason why I voted Rollins over Sami Zayn (and I can certainly the argument the other way around) it's that Rollins had to do more on a bigger state, and thus, had more opportunities to lay an egg. And I can't think of a single high-profile Seth Rollins match from 2015 that was anything less than very good.

Julio del Aguila: Break out year for him. I thought he would be the least successful Shield member, but he's turned out to be the Justin Timberlake of the group.

Frank McCormick: Rollins totally defied expectations in 2014. First, he destroyed the Shield when everyone expected Ambrose to. Second, in so doing, he turned heel, when again the expectation was that Ambrose would. Most importantly, he defied expectations that he'd end up the also-ran of The Shield to be THE top heel of the WWE (well, second; no one touches THE DEVIL HERSELF Stephanie McMahon). With his evil laugh, asshole sneer, penchant for cheap cheating, slimy crew of minions, total disregard for his own body and long-term health, and ability to pull out the "HOLY SHIT!" moves, Seth Rollins is my #1.

Rene Sanchez: It was always supposed to be Dean Ambrose in my mind. Ambrose was the guy that was going to betray The Shield, become the transcendent Singles Superstar, and absolutely destroy everyone on his way to the top. Alas, we instead got Seth Rollins as the backstabber and the results have been greater than I could have ever imagined. Now I know that this is strictly a ranking for a wrestler’s in ring performance and that they gimmick and storyline has nothing to do with this, but the surprise factor in Rollins ascension has only aided in my opinion of him. He has become the best in ring heel that I have seen since the CM Punk Championship run. Rollins is performing spots in the ring that are akin to 2013 Daniel Bryan. It never matters what type of match is happening, because Rollins is going to provide fantastic work and do it with a fully developed ethos. No one was more dynamic in the ring than Rollins and that is why he is my top wrestler for 2014.

Joshua Browns: Seth had an amazing 2014, and I could easily see him as one of the WWE's top 3 guys as soon as this summer.

Brandon Spears: I was wrong about Seth Rollins. Truth be told, I had his ceiling set as WWE's best possible Jeff Hardy, wowing the audience with his high-risk maneuvers and enjoying the career of an upper mid-carder babyface. I was so wrong. What's perfect about Seth Rollins as the top heel of WWE is that he can still pull off that unbelievable moveset while still getting the crowd to chant "You Sold Out!" after match. I still think he might kill himself in the ring one day.

Joey Splashwater: I have to admit it was tough for me to compile a list considering only match performances in American wrestling for 2014. It was a weird year, folks. The only easy part of making the rankings for my ballot was putting Seth Rollins #1. With Daniel Bryan injured for most of the year, Seth Rollins became the premier in ring performer for WWE.

The best case I can make for Rollins is that I can't think of a great Dean Ambrose match in 2014 that didn't involve Seth Rollins in it and I can't think of a respectable Roman Reigns match in 2014 that didn't involve Seth Rollins in it. Considering The Shield track record for the first quarter of the year and adding in Rollins singles matches, he's the top. Rollins had stellar matches on RAW, PPV, singles, trios, 5 on 5's, he really was a jack of all trades. While there are varying factors in that, the match results spoke and Seth is my #1.

Ryan Foster: Despite the imminent coronation of Roman Reigns, I’m sticking to my belief that Rollins is destined to be the biggest star to emerge from the erstwhile Shield. Rollins has been dynamite as a smarmy, entitled heel, essentially doing 2013 Randy Orton better than Orton ever could. Meanwhile, his character transformation hasn’t slowed his development into one of the company’s best. Rollins is capable of dazzling and acrobatic highspots, but is far from dependent on them, working a smooth and reckless style fits the WWE environment perfectly. Not to mention the fact that the Shield existed for much of 2014 and did some of its finest work paired with the Wyatts and Evolution, in which Rollins was the clear standout.

Luke Starr: Seth Rollins has been my favorite part of WWE programming for a long time, and his 2014 was brilliant for a few reasons. “The Evolution of Seth Rollins” is particularly apt when describing his year in the ring: it is as much a statement on his future as it is his past. Moving from cohesive 6-Man tag matches as part of The Shield to consistently amazing singles matches on his own in one calendar year is fun to see primarily because he’s adjusted his in-ring style perfectly while retaining what made him successful with The Shield. He may not look over to Roman Reigns in desperation or shoot a scheming glance at Dean Ambrose anymore, but he communicates those same feelings to the crowd in each singles match, and does so clearly and effectively. Oh, and he’ll powerbomb a dude into a turnbuckle when he can. That’s fun.

Joey O: An architect carrying a briefcase as the biggest heel in WWE? What decade is this? I keed, I keed. After betraying his brothers in one of the most memorable heel turns this side of a barbershop window, Rollins went on to have outstanding singles matches, primarily with Ambrose, and served as the true workhorse of the company. Defying the predictions of many, Rollins has shined as the biggest success story to come out of the Shield. And just wait until he cashes in that briefcase... (Uhm, unless he already has by the time you're reading this.)

Nick Ahlhelm: No member of the Shield excelled post-break up like Seth Rollins. Everyone knew Dean was great and Roman would get the mega-push, but Seth Rollins as the Authority’s poster-boy resulted in a series of amazing matches and a depth of character I never expected to see from the former Tyler Black. My fellow Iowan has developed into an all around player that WWE banked on to main event several cards at the end of 2014. With the Money in the Bank win still in his hand, he’s got an equally bright 2015 ahead of him.

Bill DiFilippo: There is a 90-second sequence in each Seth Rollins match where he just says fuck it and throws his body around like it’s a rag doll. He’ll do this, like, seven times a match. All he cares about is having a five-star match whenever he sports entertains.

Tomorrow, the top spot is revealed.

They face off again in poll form Photo Credit: Lee South/ImpactWrestling.com

The second round is finished, and the Tournament of Champions has moseyed on into the third round of hot, hypothetical man-on-man rassle action.



Before getting into said Sweet 16, I will recount the winners from yesterday's WCW regional second round action. They are Ric Flair, Big Van Vader, Goldberg, and Sting. Now, with the third round here, two regions will be knocked out a day, so it's time to decide the regional finalists for both WWE and TNA:

WWE: 9. Bret Hart vs. 4. Randy Savage, SCOUTING REPORT
HART - He's not called the "Excellence of Execution" for nothing. His training at his family dungeon prepared him for grueling battles by being technically superior to any and all potential opponents. He can counter out of any hold, and he works seamlessly towards applying his signature Sharpshooter. Beware his infamous "Five Moves of Doom."

SAVAGE - Savage is as eccentric in the ring as he is out of it. While he's known for his aerial pyrotechnics, whether the flying double axehandle or his finishing elbow from the top, the Macho Man's bread and butter has been brutal and vicious attacks, especially to the throat. Whether legal with his lethal stun gun or illegal using the ring bell, Savage knows that if you can't breathe, you can't wrestle.




14. Brock Lesnar vs. 2. Steve Austin, SCOUTING REPORT
LESNAR - Brock Lesnar is a physical anomaly. He has the size of a football offensive lineman, but he has the agility of a man two weight-classes down. His relentless attacks with his massive hamhocks attached to his wrists is surpassed only by the one-way tram car to Suplex City of which he is the conductor. However, if you can somehow lure him to the top rope, you can possibly get him to break his own neck on a shaky shooting star press.

AUSTIN - Austin defies all convention. He's actually one of the most skilled technicians in wrestling history, but he eschews trading holds for scrappin' like every match is a bar fight. He doesn't care if he's the biggest dog in the fight, he won't back down and usually ends up getting his way, especially with his dreaded equalizing finisher, the Stone Cold Stunner.




TNA: 1. Kurt Angle vs. 5. Bully Ray, SCOUTING REPORT
ANGLE - Angle won the 1996 Olympic Gold with a broken freakin' neck, so you know that his physical bona fides are beyond reproach. If it has four limbs and a pulse, he can outwrestle it. He will put any opponent on the mat, and if you get caught in his ankle lock, you're not going to be able to walk.

BULLY - Bred in Hell's Kitchen, Bully Ray can take a punch and give it back threefold. No other competitor left in the tournament may fight as dirtily as Bully Ray. One could say he doesn't need to take shortcuts, and that person would be right. Few brawlers are as tough as Bully. But when he can kick your ass without help AND is willing to fight dirty? Well, that makes Bully Ray a favorite in any fight.




3. AJ Styles vs. 7. Samoa Joe, SCOUTING REPORT
STYLES - The Phenomenal One didn't get his nickname from false hype. Few wrestlers who fit the "Jack of All-Trades" moniker can do all those things as well as Styles. He soars through the air, can drop 'em on their heads with the best of them, and even has added submission grappling to his repertoire. And if all that wasn't enough, his lightning-quick Pele kick can work as a quick equalizer.

JOE - No one strikes harder than Samoa Joe. No one. His chops and kicks will leave welts on any opponent, no matter how hard they are. He could probably pierce armor with his strikes, and his corner boot scrapes will turn a man's head around. And if the strikes don't kill you, the array of deadly submissions will.




Keep them votes a-comin'!

Lots of Mania talk on the latest Austin show Photo Credit: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 207 (March 31, 2015)
Run Time: 1:42:50
Guest: Wade Keller (8:53)

Summary: Austin’s guest this week is Wade Keller of the Pro Wrestling Torch. Their Monday afternoon conversation begins with a look at fan polls regarding WrestleMania 31, which leads into a match-by-match breakdown of Sunday’s supershow that lasts about 80 minutes, and includes thoughts about how 31 might be starting the build to WrestleMania 32. Austin’s Word of the Day is “hard way,” as in how Brock Lesnar came to be a bloody mess Sunday night.

Quote of the week: Keller, on the rarity of ending a WrestleMania with a briefcase cash-in: “This was the exception. The fact that Vince (McMahon) doesn’t normally do this made this work even more, and I thought it was really genius to have a way for Lesnar to lose the title without doing a job. Normally I’m critical of that, because I think, ‘Hey, no, you do the job — you do the honors.’ But Lesnar’s too valuable of a commodity. It fit total storyline sense. It made sense for Seth (Rollins) to do what he did within the rules that are long established with Money In The Bank.”

Why you should listen: I don’t consume any of Keller’s regular Torch content, but I really enjoy him as an Austin conversational partner with regards to breaking down WWE shows. Both guys have a great grasp of not just big-picture storytelling, but also elemental match construction. It’s the kind of talk that helps me understand how what I’m seeing on TV affects my perceptions, getting deeper into the order of a card, wrestlers’ career arcs and when the creative team has its finger on the pulse and when it’s just throwing stuff at the wall.

Why you should skip it: The speculation about what might happen on RAW will be frustrating to anyone who has already seen the most important RAW of the year (so, everyone). Both guys are fairly positive on almost everything at WrestleMania — critical when warranted, of course — so if you hated the pay-per-view you’re probably not going to want to listen to even measured praise.

Final thoughts: Having not listened to anyone else’s WrestleMania recap, though I will hear Jim Ross’ on Wednesday and whatever Cheap Heat offers, I feel safe in commending this episode to your attention. The guys covered the whole show, raised questions about the flat moments and helped me appreciate why the stuff that worked succeeded. If you have WrestleMania fatigue then take a pass, but in the afterglow I really enjoyed this nuts-and-bolts chat, even if there was no one standout segment or revelation.

"You look stupid!" *clap clap clapclapclap* "You look stupid!" *clap clap clapclapclap*

The fans at the SAP Arena in San Jose, CA were not wrong, at least without context. Okay, I don't think it looks stupid, per se, but it certainly is unconventional. If I saw a guy walking down the street with a mohawk and an unconnected beard with braids on the goatee, I might look at him a little funny. If it were one of my friends in real life, I would give him the business for about five minutes before settling down. A person's look is a person's look, and honestly, more people should express their inner freak just to shake things up. However, sometimes the dull monotony of life breaks a person, and the genpop is by result conditioned to think of normal people looking a certain way. Sheamus does not fit that mold.

However, nothing about pro wrestling is conventional. The artform is built upon scantily clad men and women pretending to hurt each other while using a pseudonym. Sometimes they wear masks. Sometimes, they're gimmicked to be something wholly outrageous. But regardless of trappings, the heart of professional wrestling, down to the most common move, the Irish whip, is patently and completely absurd. What is abnormal in real life makes absolute sense in the squared circle. Whether it's a dude who fights exclusively in jorts and neon pastels, a frog who is imbued with the powers of the Norse god of thunder, a big fat guy with fists of stone who wears a smoking HR Giger-inspired mastodon helmet to the ring, or the most absurd of them all, the man in black Speedo trunks who is trying to be the serious, athletic grappler in a sea of freaks and misfits, nothing in wrestling could be considered as fitting into the norm.

So, while Sheamus'Mad Max-influenced hairdo and beard motif might turn a few heads on the streets of, say, Des Moines, he embodies the spirit of pro wrestling just by shaving the sides of his head, glopping a shit-ton of product in the rest of his hair, and getting someone skilled to put this itty-bitty braids in his beard. In an era where Vince McMahon seems to want a certain look from his top guys, having someone embrace absurdity like Sheamus is refreshing. He'll return to action tomorrow night on Smackdown, but his return is already a goddamn success from where I sit.

HORB KNOWS WHEN THE DECISION TO HAVE ROLLINS CASH IN WAS MADE Photo Credit: WWE.com

Okay, you've survived WrestleMania. You've survived the RAW after Mania. You've survived SMACKDOWN SPOILERS after Mania, and now, you get the best part of the week. THAT'S RIGHT, OL' HORB IS HERE WITH THE NEWS AND NUGGETS YOU NEED FOR SUSTENANCE. I had the first scoop on Madusa Miceli's speech growing ire with WWE officials when on SATURDAY AFTERNOON before the ceremony, I tweeted "If I had to guess who is going to piss off Vince McMahon tonight, it'd be Madusa." I blew the lid off Global Force Wrestling's debut shows when I told you that they would happen sometime between now and the Heat Death of the Universe in a location on the Western Hemisphere of Earth. AND SENT ALL OF YOU THOSE SCANDALOUS PICS OF VINCE MCMAHON PETTING A SHIBA INU. You couldn't see the crushed leaves, but trust me, THEY WERE THERE.

While I tirelessly mine the scoops in the news mires all day long and sometimes all night, I need your help to get me all the best news nuggets that I can't get to until bilocation is invented. IF I CAN BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE, I WILL. So if you have a juicy tip, a saucy rumor, or a salacious crumb, send it to my e-mail address at ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. Also, I am on the Twitter machine, where I dispense all the best instantaneous scoops in the world and sometimes in the WHOLE FUCKIN' MILKY WAY GALAXY. Remember when I tweeted that Zorblax the Indomitable was going to wrestle Terry Funk in a World Championship of Ulaxion Match, Ulaxion being the third planet from Beta Centauri? If you're not following me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber, THEN YOU CERTAINLY DON'T.

I lost all my back issues of the newsletter while playing backgammon against some Asian immigrants at the San Francisco docks so I can't offer them to you this week. However, if you PayPal me $67, I will describe each and every issue I have ever published, starting with September 18, 3681 and inclusive of every date thereafter, because TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE. If you pay me $69 dollars via PayPal, however, I will call you on the phone and say, "Nice."

The newsletter has a new sponsor this week, Steel Reserve Alloy Series. Have you ever wanted to get fucked up out of your mind but not want the nasty taste of cheaply made malt liquor, machine-crafted from the lowest-quality grains pulled out of wheat threshers in rural West Virginia in your mouth? Well, Steel Reserve has heard your cries and introduced the Alloy Series with five pulse-pounding flavors which according to the FDA are certainly food, alright! You can try Hard Pineapple, Spiked Punch, Lightnin' Liver and Onions, Full-on Formaldehyde, and my personal favorite, Unwashed Asshole. Try them today at your favorite sketchy corner bodega, or if you're in Pennsylvania, from the dive bar around the corner from the house you grew up in whose highest quality beer used to be Pabst Blue Ribbon until all those millennials started drinking it ironically.

Don't forget, uh, I forgot what I was going to write here.

- The biggest news of the weekend was that Seth Rollins interrupted the main event of WrestleMania, cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase, and defeated both Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar to become the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. My sources say that the decision wasn't final until 15 minutes before the main event, and that Vince McMahon changed his mind at least 30 times between the end of the Hall of Fame ceremony and the main event. Sources say at one point, Kid Ink was slated to walk out of Mania as Champion, but McMahon was talked out of it when he was informed that Kid Ink was not Kid Rock's hip new persona.

- Lesnar has come under fire from media outlets who accused him of blading his forehead to create the signature crimson mask he sported towards the end of the match. However, WWE officials released a press release saying that Lesnar did not blade, and in fact that he wasn't bleeding at all, and if they even thought about fining him for the action that he would "murder all their families and piss on their corpses while shoving Jimmy John's wrappers into..." I'm not finishing transcribing the rest of that quote. IT'S TOO SICK EVEN FOR OL' HORB.

- Ronda Rousey's appearance at WrestleMania in the ring was a SHOOT, sources tell me. If she had known she was going to get in the ring, she would have worn her formal attire, which is an unripped black t-shirt featuring characters from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

- The original plan in the Sting/Triple H match was to have Ric Flair lead an army of WCW stalwarts out to help Sting, but McMahon feared that if he had Flair in any role bigger than a backstage segment, he wouldn't be able to get rid of him and would have to call the exterminator AGAIN.

- CJ Parker resigned from WWE before WrestleMania. Sources say he was upset that WWE still hadn't switched from incandescent bulbs to the compact fluorescent bulbs, and that the move was not only costing the company money it could be paying him, but it was harming the environment as well.

- McMahon reportedly saw his first ever NXT show on Friday night in San Jose, and fell into a state of apoplexy that he didn't recover from until around 7 PM local time on Monday night. McMahon's medical disablement is said to be the reason why WrestleMania and the first two hours of RAW on Monday were so goddamn awesome.

- TNA wrestlers spent Friday night talking about how Impact was going to be the biggest show of the weekend on Twitter like nothing else was going on. In an unrelated note, more people bought the WWN Live Supershow than watched Impact on Destination America.

- Bob Ryder tweeted "Hmmm....a promotion with a World Champion who actually shows up on tv two weeks in a row" on Friday night. In other news, wow, someone still pays Bob Ryder in 2015? Who says the country's in a recession if HE'S getting paid money to do anything other than odd jobs or cold calling.

- WWE officials were reported as angry at this year's Hall of Fame ceremony, especially at highlight inductee "Macho Man" Randy Savage. One official said that it was blatantly disrespectful that Savage no-showed and instead sent his brother Lanny Poffo to the event in his stead. Related, most WWE officials are kept in the same hyperbaric chamber as Vince McMahon during all times when they are not on the job, and have not heard or seen the news for over ten years.

- Original plans Monday night were for to have Lesnar throw Michael Cole into a woodchipper as an homage to the Coen Bros. movie Fargo and thus Lesnar's northern Midwest heritage, but officials thought that if Lesnar accidentally bleeding in his Mania match caused so much controversy that the amount of blood to be caused by Cole's mechanical evisceration would cause immediate red flags everywhere.

- Justin Gaethje the people, and calls on the world to St. Louis Library: Warrior fighting tonight. In men, the sixth day week and a fireman Gaethje ethnic name and password Hideo Davis Gospel warrior.

- Vince McMahon is apparently "super-high" on Lana right now, Lana being the hip new drug being used by all the teenagers out there that's a combination of Krokodil, paint thinner, and lingonberries.

- Be on the lookout for the TWB 100 final entry later today. I am promoting this even though I was DENIED ENTRY into the balloting process. TH IS A FUCKFACE. (Ed. Note - I would have welcomed Horb's ballot, but the one he sent me only had 15 names on it, and 14 of them were Chael Sonnen.)

- Last week's poll results are in, and 59% of you think WrestleKingdom 9 was better than WrestleMania 31, 21% think WK9 was substantially better than WM31, 18% said WK9 was slightly better than WM31, and 2% didn't even bother watching Mania because they knew it would fucking suck. This week's poll:

1. Tomoaki Honma

TH: ...

...

...

KOKESHI!


APRIL FOOLS!

The best worker of 2014 as voted by YOU Photo Credit: WWE.com

1. Sami Zayn
Points:7349
Ballots:76
Highest Vote Received:1st Place (TH, David Kincannon, Angelo Castillo, Ryan Kilma, Kevin Held, Kyle Kensing, Joshua Browns, Joey O., Brandon Bosh, Nick Ahlhelm, Erica Molinaro, Brandon Spears, Mat Morgan, Ryan Foster, Brian Heaton, Brandon Kyla, Trey Irby, Scott Holland, Brad Canze, Eamon Paton, Martin Bentley, Brandon Rohwer, Rob Pandola, Joe Ellis, Jesse Powell)
Last Year's Placement: 4th Place

TH: Sami Zayn was the best wrestler in America in 2014. I would say he was the best wrestler in the world, but I didn't watch much of anything from Japan or Mexico or England or wherever, and I get the nagging feeling that at least Shinsuke Nakamura might have made a run at Zayn in total if I had seen enough, but as it stands, Zayn is the best wrestler I had the privilege of watching in 2014, and it wasn't necessarily close, either. At no time during the calendar year did he come out for a match that he didn't put his entire back into. He was given the keys to the kingdom and yet wrestled each match like he was trying to get noticed by people who'd already loved him to death. This opposite of complacency made him must-see no matter whether he was schlepping against Titus O'Neil in a story-driving squash match or going against Adrian Neville for all the Tostitos.

Whether it was his lurid, expressive faces, his rag-doll punch-drunkenness, his propensity to take the hugest bump on the card, the stiffness on his moves, or the relative ease at which he pulled off impossibly hard to execute moves like the through-corner tornado DDT, Zayn gave a tutorial on how to be a pro wrestler. The list of awesome matches he had against a diverse variety of opponents is too stunning to discount. I felt his pathos. I got goosebumps at his joy. As Sami Zayn went, so did I, and the mark of a great wrestler is that the fans feel what that character is also going through. While he was awesome on promos, he emoted himself the best through his struggles between the bells, and for that, Sami Zayn gets my #1 vote on my TWB 100 ballot for 2014.

De O'Brien: From the moment he stepped into the NXT ring, and even before that, we knew Sami Zayn was going to be something special. The goofy, amiable red-headed Canadian with the calm, mellow personality came skanking to the ring and started showing us what we knew he had, but far from resting on his laurels, Zayn decided to prove he was worth every bit of praise showered on him by the fans, his fellow NXT wrestlers, and the NXT performance center staff, having so many good matches with Adrian Neville in 2014 it would be impossible to choose a favorite; but the real testament to his amazing talent came on December 11, when he finally beat Neville to win NXT gold - and then was promptly demolished by his best friend.

Zayn hasn't been seen much since then, and for good reason, but I am almost positive even the mauling by the dreaded French Canadian Murder Bear isn't going to keep him down for long. All I can say is if they do move him up to the main roster, they better damn well be sure they know what they have and not let it go to waste.

If I were writing about a different man, I might close this with "Ole!", but this is Zayn's time, so I'll just say this: Give em hell, Sami.

Dave Kincannon: Sami Zayn was, in my opinion, the best wrestler in North America , and quite possibly the world in 2014. It didn’t matter who he was wrestling or what stipulations the matches had, Sami was great. He competed in singles matches, tag team matches, trios matches, triple threat matches and four way matches, and excelled in all of them. Three matches stand out, though. Sami Zayn and Cesaro combined to have the first great match on the WWE Network at NXT ArRival, which would gain both men and the NXT brand a loyal following. The second match was the fatal four match at the appropriately named NXT Takeover: Fatal Four Way. Zayn, Adrian Neville, Tyler Breeze and Tyson Kidd put on my favorite match of all of 2014, and maybe my favorite fatal four way match of all time. Zayn and Neville then followed that match up with the culmination of Sami Zayn’s year (plus) long story. It’s not just that Sami Zayn is a great wrestler. It’s that he’s probably the purest good guy that the WWE has seen in years. While the fatal four way match was my favorite match of the year, the moment that Sami Zayn decided not to take a shortcut to win the NXT title was my favorite moment in all of wrestling in 2014. Thank you for everything that you did for wrestling in 2014, Sami, and I can’t wait to see what you give us through the rest of 2015.

James Girouard: Sami Zayn is my favorite wrestler. And he had my favorite match of the year in his NXT R Evolution match with Adrian Neville. But Zayn finishing second in my poll was more than just that one match - it was everything from his lights-out "respect" showdown with Cesaro to his carry job of Tyler Breeze on the next NXT special that illustrated that Sami's ready to be a player on the main roster.

Julio del Aguila: The best in ring storyteller around. His facial expressions, mannerisms and emotion draw you into all of his matches.

Joshua Browns: I'll be honest, I tried repeatedly to talk myself out of this choice. You'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger Sami Zayn fan than me, so I was worried this was a "heart" pick, but try as I might, I couldn't find a way to choose anybody else.

Nobody in North America had a better 2014 from start to finish than Zayn. The guy is easily top-5 in all of the technical categories that go into a great match (size and variety of moveset, workrate, bumping, selling, etc.), and yet what sets Sami apart is his ability to project the character's persona into his in-ring work. Sami's "chase" runs in 2014 (first for Cesaro's respect and then for the NXT title) should be part of the curriculum in a "Babyface 101" class.

Brandon Spears: If Sami Zayn had quit wrestling after his match with Cesaro at NXT Takeover there's a chance that he'd still finish in the top five, as that match was *everything* that I like in my pro wrestling. At one point in this match, Sami dives through the middle turnbuckle at Cesaro only to be met with a vicious uppercut. It’s insane. By itself it’s one of the most exciting things I’ve seen in any match in years. If Cesaro is the best pure athlete in WWE, Zayn is simply the best pure wrestler. His in-ring artistry is limitless, with a moveset that dazzles the crowd week in and week out on NXT.

But what makes Sami my absolute favorite wrestler working today is his ability to conjure an emotion from the crowd whether it's from somebody in the front row to the fans in the back. His facial expressions and exaggerated (in the best possible way) body language during his matches are second to none. Simply put, he is the best.

Ryan Foster: Sami Zayn’s story in 2014 was so important. It let us break free of all the malaise and message board grumbling and just be fans, watching the guy we love and cheer for earn his chance and win the big one. It’s absolutely appropriate that Zayn had the first and last NXT special matches of the year, and more so that they were both instant classics. Even more importantly, Zayn’s story was told mostly in the ring – Zayn didn’t get over through clever promos or backstage brawls, but through the way he wrestles.

Zayn has a perfect understanding of how to get the crowd behind him. He shows weakness at the right time, launches comebacks at the right time. His moves hit when they should hit and miss when they should miss. Many wrestlers know how to tell a story in the ring, but Zayn seems to be communicating directly with the crowd through his actions in the ring. I have no doubt he has the ability to succeed in front of 30,000 fans just as well as 300. Zayn’s wrestling is more exciting, innovative, and just plain fun than anyone else working on the continent right now. And it still doesn’t seem like he’s even close to reaching his potential. Number one and not even close.

Joey O: 2014 was the year that Sami Zayn became my favorite (full-time, currently active) wrestler in the world today. Did he have anything close to a sub-par match at all last year? Every NXT "special" event was made extra-special thanks to Zayn and his peerless storytelling in the ring. Throughout his year-long quest, he squared off against Cesaro, Kidd, Breeze and eventually his close friend Adrian Neville in a true classic match that showcased what pro wrestling can be at its absolute best. The truest, most honorable, ska-punk-lovin' babyface around, Zayn is the centerpiece of NXT and as it becomes more of a "brand," could be the face of Full Sail for a while longer. Ole!

Brandon Bosh: It’s almost reductive to call Sami Zayn the wrestler of the year; for the first time in history, the phrase “sports-entertainer” actually seems apropos, given that Zayn’s journey was almost cinematic in scope. Just look at his crowning moment against Adrian Neville at NXT TakeOver: R-Evolution. That contest wasn’t just the best match of 2014; it was a brilliant and cathartic season finale for one of the year’s finest TV series. Dissect the match, and you’ll find a slew of callbacks to past episodes, including the one where Zayn lost a crucial match via roll-up after Neville somewhat transparently faked an injury. The closing image of that match/episode ranks among the best of the entire year, in part because it conveyed more emotion in a single shot – i.e., Zayn’s blank, incredulous visage – than the WWE writers could articulate in a thousand stilted words.

Over the past 18 months or so, Sami Zayn completed his metamorphosis from a big-hearted, largely mute luchador into something more profound. In a most improbable turn of events, he became the spiritual heir to another schlubby daredevil, the great Mick Foley. Like Foley, he emerged as the uncrowned people’s champion of his generation, reaching out to cynical fans who felt slightly manipulated by the populist ambitions of marquee players: Austin and Rock, Cena and Reigns. Zayn was the best wrestler of 2014 because his world-class wrestling ability became almost secondary (this isn’t the venue for praising his revelatory promos, but you don’t need to hear him talk in order to connect with him). By transcending his former gimmick and embracing a truer version of himself, Zayn became the ultimate exemplar of empathy, a cracked idealist whose jovial demeanor masks a bottomless wellspring of pain and frustration. When Sami Zayn’s heart aches, you feel every twinge.

Still, the TWB 100 is an index of outstanding achivements in pro wrestling, and Sami Zayn wouldn’t be at the top of the list if he hadn’t outshone all of his peers in virtually every aspect of the medium. Zayn consistently delivered in TV main events, but he saved his strongest outings for NXT’s quarterly special events. At Arrival, he battled his archrival and natural foil, Cesaro, for 23 pulse-pounding minutes; at the first TakeOver event, he brought the very best out of the then-underrated Tyler Breeze; and at Fatal 4-Way, he held his own against a show-stealing Breeze, a game Tyson Kidd, and an increasingly desperate Neville. On all three occasions, Zayn put forth a career-defining performance, only to see his goal – vindication, redemption, the elusive NXT Championship – snatched away at the last possible moment. Finally, at R-Evolution, Zayn fulfilled his destiny and overcame the specter of self-doubt, without resorting to the same underhanded tactics as his perennially pragmatic opponent. Sami Zayn’s unforgettable showing at R-Evolution was a rare convergence of all the elements that make wrestling great: a gripping story, a sympathetic hero, and a spellbinding athletic exhibition. No other individual could be the wrestler of the year, because no one else embodied the craft so completely.

Countless wrestlers have been canonized as legends, icons, immortals or metahumans. Only one is a goddamn folk hero.

Nick Ahlhelm: He’s only made one main roster appearance in WWE, but Sami Zayn is easily the most consistent in-ring talent the WWE has today. Though he didn’t pull a single NXT special event win until the end of the year and his rise to NXT champion, no one even comes close to his workrate in the ring. In WWE, he’s developed into a consummate professional inside the ring while becoming a great talker outside it as well. Now if they would just give him some better t-shirts...

Mike Pankowski: Sami Zayn’s road to the top in NXT would not have been so fulfilling had he not shown so much emotion in the ring. His ability to excel in that skill combined with his great selling and his plethora of moves make it a thrill to watch him in action.

Bill DiFilippo: Sami Zayn is a treasure and now that his best friend/chief social rival is in NXT with him he’s only going to get better which is AWESOME.

Erica Molinaro: I had a moment during the Sami Zayn versus Adrian Neville match at R Evolution where I completely lost myself. When Zayn picked up the title to use on Neville, my entire being screamed NO DO IT THE RIGHT WAY! All that mattered was that Zayn became champion by staying true to who he had shown he was over the course of 2014. Knock him down, he gets back up and fights all the harder.

I’m a 30 year old with bills and work and all the adult crap the rest of you have to deal with, but during that match, for that couple minutes, none of that mattered. I was a kid again watching with a wide smile and teary eyes as Zayn tossed the belt and won the NXT title his way. It was the perfect capper to an outstanding 2014 for, in my opinion, the best wrestler in the world.

Chris McDonald: Future WWE Champion. How in the hell do they not have a Zayn vs Neville match at WrestleMania this year (even in the pre-show!) I will never understand. Sami is the guy you grew up with. Your buddy that was in that one band and everyone liked. Sami looks like that guy. He looks like you & me. And that’s what makes him so incredible in the ring. The way he staggers around after getting kicked in the head. His babyface comebacks are the best in the business. There aren’t much better than Sami. I just hope that his best is still yet to come.

Brandon Kyla: Arguing on the internet with anyone that would listen that his gimmick wasn't "stupid". Screaming at the top of my lungs (y'know, in print) that he wasn't "pointless" and "never going to amount to anything." Asking "who cares" when people would point out his blue mask didn't match his blue tights. Watching him grow and grow in his last few years on the indies, then getting signed. Watching his match of the year candidates with Cesaro and Neville and Jack Swagger during his first year.

Ultimately being proven right on December 11, 2014.

...I mean, the rest of 2014 was great too, lets not forget that, I'm just saying, everything was made worth it in December

Scott Holland: I have not missed an episode of NXT since Sami Zayn’s debut, and he’s the epitome of why I get frustrated whenever I find a fellow fan — especially one whose interest in WWE has waned — tells me they don’t watch NXT. He’s so great his monumental title victory over Adrian Neville from R-Evolution Dec. 11 is only my third favorite Zayn match of 2014. At least eight of his single and tag-team matches interspersed in the regular NXT tapings for 2014 are among the best WWE matches of the year — even though there’s many common partners and opponents on the list. The fact he can continue to have compelling matches with and against the same people, building from one to the next, is only one of the reasons he got my top vote, and I’ll be shocked if someone else can knock him from my top spot in 2015.

Brad Canze: Sami Zayn. Oh my god. I mentioned it when I was talking about Sasha Banks a few days ago but I think the most over a wrestler can be is making the audience feel like their victories are our victories, and their losses are our losses. Nobody exemplified that better in 2014 than Sami Zayn. I'm completely aware that I am saying that about the year that saw Daniel Bryan beat all three members of Evolution in one night and celebrated with tens of thousands of screaming emotional fans and Connor and the confetti. The most over a wrestler can be is making an audience feel his victories with him, and feel the losses just as much, and nobody did that better than Sami Zayn.

Obviously we felt for Bryan's losses when he lost his dad, and Connor, and was sidelined from wrestling, but that's real-world, heartbreaking stuff, and putting what happened in-ring front-and-center was the most emphasized criteria TH put forward. Sami Zayn fought, scratched, clawed and made the viewers want to see him succeed for 18 months. Every single match. Every move. Every broken pin attempt where he was so goddamn sure he got it. Every loss where he just looked absolutely heartbroken and defeated after. And then he made it. He got it. He was champion. And it was all taken away so quickly.

It's ironic, because if you dig around you can find statements from 2011-2012 where I said, as much as I loved El Generico, he would never find a place for himself in the WWE system. I guaranteed it. Not only has he proven me wrong, but he's thrived and created a whole new pack of fans for himself. If NXT truly becomes a full-fledged third WWE brand like Triple H wants, it will be on the back of Sami Zayn, the best wrestler in the company. The best wrestler in North America. The best wrestler who won't admit that ska isn't a thing anymore.

Martin Bentley: NXT was the backbone of the WWE Network in its launch year, and Sami Zayn was its most vital part. From the renewal of his feud with Cesaro that kicked the ArRIVAL/Takeover trend off, to making Tyler Breeze a legit competitor, to his emotional battles with Adrian Neville, which concluded in arguably 2014's best match at Takeover: R-Evolution, and Zayn's crowning glory when he became the NXT Champion, though quickly tempered by the arrival of an old friend and enemy. No matter all the valuable pieces that make NXT what it is, Sami Zayn is its heartbeat, and the best professional wrestler of 2014.

Jesse Powell: Go find a Sami Zayn match that doesn't make you feel something. I'll wait here, forever, because you simply can't complete that task. In the last year, Sami Zayn has come to embody the beauty and passion of NXT, and exemplify what WWE can be at its best. His journey from the indies to the mountaintop is something that still gets me emotional. Heck, I wrote a piece for this fine blog about it! Even though that piece was in response to a 2015 match, it still holds true. Sami is pure, straight, hot liquid golden fire in the ring, as if every move is calculated to impart the maximum physical and emotional impact, while seemingly still being utterly spontaneous. Every single match he has gets me excited, and I look forward to what the rest of this year will bring.

And now, the list in its entirety:

1. Sami Zayn
2. Seth Rollins
3. Cesaro
4. Daniel Bryan
5. Adrian Neville
6. Dean Ambrose
7. Luke Harper
8. Rusev
9. Charlotte
10. Dolph Ziggler
11. Sasha Banks
12. Brock Lesnar
13. John Cena
14. Tyson Kidd
15. Bray Wyatt
16. Matt Jackson
17. Nick Jackson
18. Kevin Steen/Owens
19. Randy Orton
20. Ricochet/Prince Puma
21. Paige
22. Tyler Breeze
23. AJ Styles
24. Goldust
25. Finn Bálor
26. Kyle O'Reilly
27. Drew Gulak
28. Cody Rhodes/Stardust
29. Bayley
30. ACH
31. Roman Reigns
32. Sheamus
33. Candice LeRae
34. Adam Cole
35. Biff Busick
36. Hideo Itami
37. Nikki Bella
38. Jimmy Uso
39. Triple H
40. Jey Uso
41. Damien Sandow
42. The Miz
43. Bobby Fish
44. Kimber Lee
45. Jay Briscoe
46. AJ Lee
47. Wade Barrett
48. Big E
49. Max Smashmaster
50. Green/Silver Ant
51. Ashley Remington/Dalton Castle
52. Eddie Kingston
53. Chris Hero
54. Heidi Lovelace
55. Alberto del Rio/el Patron
56. Ethan Carter III
57. Dasher Hatfield
58. Blaster McMassive
59. Natalya
60. Mark Angelosetti
61. Chuck Taylor
62. AR Fox
63. Erick Rowan
64. Roderick Strong
65. Rich Swann
66. Cedric Alexander
67. Kalisto
68. John Hennigan/Johnny Mundo
69. Timothy Thatcher
70. Jay Lethal
71. Batista
72. Pentagon, Jr.
73. Trevor Lee
74. Athena
75. Johnny Gargano
76. Fire Ant
77. Jack Swagger
78. Shinsuke Nakamura
79. Ryback
80. Tommaso Ciampa
81. Juan Francisco de Coronado
82. Fenix
83. Michael Elgin
84. Austin Aries
85. Mark Briscoe
86. Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards
87. Bobby Roode
88. Sexy Star
89. Matt Sydal
90. Davey Vega
91. Icarus
92. Tim Donst
93. Shynron
94. Becky Lynch
95. Matt Hardy
96. Zack Sabre Jr.
97. Jimmy Jacobs
98. Kazuchika Okada
99. Mike Bennett
100. Jessicka Havok/HAVOK

Thank you for voting, participating, and reading. See you again next year!

Will Flair be as successful in the tournament as he was here against the Mastodon? Photo Credit: WWE.com

The first half of the Sweet 16 is in the books, and the winners from yesterday's action are Randy Savage, Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, and AJ Styles. Today, the second half of the regional semifinal matches are in play in the ECW and WCW regions. It's all late '90s Big Three action from here, non-WWE division.

ECW: 1. Raven vs. 4. Terry Funk, SCOUTING REPORT
RAVEN - Raven is a tough nut to crack because his attack is so layered. He's smarter than the average MENSA member, let alone wrestler, so he knows what you're gonna do before you're gonna do it. But he can also get down and dirty with the roughest and most tumble brawlers in the world. And if all else fails, he has any number of cronies and lackeys waiting in the wings to give him the assist. If you're preparing for Raven, you need to prepare for the Flock as well.

FUNK - Terry Funk is a goddamn legend, and he didn't get to his 70s still active in the ring without being tougher than a two-dollar steak. If you punch him, you'd better be prepared to do it again, because his upbringing on the Double Cross Ranch has allowed him to grow a thicker skin than the steer his family raises there. On offense, he's hell with a punch, but watch out most for his legendary spinning toe hold. If you get caught in that hold, you're not walking right for the next week.




14. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. 2. Sandman, SCOUTING REPORT
BIGELOW - The agile HOSS category of wrestler begins with Bigelow. If you think you can land a few punches or wrangle him for a big move because he's slow, think again. He'll whip away quicker than a hiccup and then land a surprise bomb with his favorite weapon, his bald, tattooed skull. No one utilized the headbutt better than Bam Bam, and once he's gotten you dazed and confused with a few shots, he'll finish you with the Greetings from Asbury Park.

SANDMAN - Sandman may not have ever been sober for a wrestling match, which makes his prowess in the ring even more extraordinary. The more Budweisers he consumes, the more focused and brutal he tends to be, especially if he's got his trusty Singapore cane in his hand. Not only does he know how to whack a man with the weapon, but he's a master at implementing it in wrestling holds, like his signature White Russian leg sweep.




WCW: 1. Ric Flair vs. 5. Big Van Vader, SCOUTING REPORT
FLAIR - WOO! Does a more gifted technical master exist? OF course one does! Flair's not the best at trading holds. However, he's good enough to get by and is dirty enough to be able to outwit the most proficient mat generals in the world. The man didn't get the name "Dirtiest Player in the Game" because he never showered. His styling and profiling may give off the aura that he doesn't care, but once your guard is down, that's when he peppers your chest with stiff knife-edge chops.

VADER - One word describes Vader perfectly - reckless. He charges into battle with fists wailing and nostrils flared, daring his opponents to land their best shots. The thing is few of them ever do because Vader's attack is so lethal. If it's not his fists, it's using his massive frame to crash down on you. And if that's not impressive enough, he can do a goddamn moonsault.




6. Goldberg vs. 2. Sting, SCOUTING REPORT
GOLDBERG - The Man didn't get to 173-0 by the skin of his teeth. He's a wrecking ball of a man who runs at really fast speeds, using the scientific principle of momentum to knock bones in his foes loose. Dodging his attacks is easier said than done, and once he hits you with one high-energy attack, you're already on your way to spear/jackhammer city.

STING - Sting may not be the smartest wrestler, but he could be the most resilient. In his first main event, he went 60 minutes with Ric Flair at time when the Nature Boy spat out jabronis at a regular clip. He may be easy to betray, but he'll never stop fighting until he gets what he wants, and usually, that means you on the business end of a Scorpion Death Drop.




Vote and get to the Elite Eight!

Big Dave stunted with Peter Rosenberg and Wale before Mania, and talked to Jim Ross afterwards about it

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: The Ross Report
Episode: 59 (April 1, 2015)
Run Time: 2:17:05
Guest: Dave Meltzer (15:10)

Summary: Jim Ross’ guest for the week is Dave Meltzer, Wrestling Observer founder. They spend the bulk of the chat rehashing WrestleMania 31 and looking ahead to next year in Dallas, but after that’s over there’s time to talk Global Force Wrestling, Lucha Underground, Ring of Honor and NXT, as well as a brief look at the San Jose/Santa Clara WrestleMania weekend.

Quote of the week: Meltzer, on restoring prestige to WWE’s secondary titles: “You can always revive the title. Always. It just takes commitment to doing it. I mean, the Intercontinental Title in New Japan is the perfect example — and WWE’s doing that right now, I think — they took a title that was essentially nothing, and they put it on (Shinsuke) Nakamura, and he’s won it and lost it a couple times, but he’s a top guy, he closes pay-per-views, and he may be the best wrestler in the world, and he’s certainly close. And now that championship can be main event. … the thing that we’ve learned over the years, and it’s really always been true, is that it’s not the belt who makes the man, it’s the man who makes the belt.”

Why you should listen: The main reason might be to see how Ross and Meltzer differ from the takes presented in Tuesday’s Steve Austin Show interview with Wade Keller. The subtle differences add another layer of understanding to WrestleMania. Further, this episode is a little heavier on looking to the future, which is fitting given Ross’ experience on the creative side. And whereas Austin and Keller spoke very little about anything but Sunday’s big show, Ross was wise to take advantage of Melzter’s time to take stock on a few other ongoing stories.

Why you should skip it: There’s actually very little of the aspects of Ross the podcast host that turn off many listeners. The most frustrating things are when we don’t get more on a certain subject. This was especially true of NXT — I’d much rather hear about the actual performances than Ross’ gratitude for the choice seats and crowd recognition — although he did come around in his wrap-up to heap praise on a handful of performers. The implication Ross did not go back to watch the tag team title match he’d missed before the podcast was irksome. And I don’t have tolerance for much MMA talk at all, so everything outside the Ronda Rousey chatter was just time I’d rather spend thinking about wrestling.

Final thoughts: I often chide Ross for not laying back and letting his guest take the shine, but the purpose of this episode was for each man to bring their distinct perspective to WrestleMania analysis, so the balance worked much more naturally than on a typical interview show. As with the Tuesday Austin show, this certainly isn’t a must-listen, and it’s less useful because there’s fewer times when either man really unpacks the creative or in-ring choices that combine into the overall WrestleMania feeling. Still, there’s something to be said for only listening to Ross on the Wednesday after a WWE pay-per-view, and if that’s your routine you won’t be upset by giving this episode your time.