The Wrestling Blog

Drinks are on Heenan, courtesy of Mr. Perfect
Screengrab via WWE.com

The 1992 Survivor Series was technically headlined by Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels, a battle between the WWF World Champion and the Intercontinental Champion, but the show's most-hyped match was to be a tag match featuring Ric Flair and Razor Ramon taking on "The Ultimate Maniacs:" Randy Savage and The Ultimate Warrior. But due to a failed drug test and subsequent missed house shows, the Warrior parted ways with the company, just nine days before Survivor Series. Vince McMahon and his cohorts were scrambling for a replacement. It would have to be someone big to even remotely fill the Warrior's tassled shoes.

So they seized upon the idea to have Mr. Perfect team with Savage. The problem was that for a year, Perfect had been Ric Flair's "executive consultant," essentially as his ringside manager. He was closely aligned with Flair and Bobby Heenan. How would they go about realigning him in a convincing manner?

All they had to do was look to Bobby Heenan and the format of Prime Time Wrestling. Just two months before it morphed into Monday Night RAW, Prime Time was in its final form as a studio show in which McMahon oversaw a discussion panel that always featured Heenan and Perfect, with a rotating cast of two additional characters. On the evening of November 16, those two characters were Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Hillbilly Jim, but as you can imagine, they will not be very important to this story.

The show opened with the announcement of Warrior's departure, as well as Savage's need for a partner. Heenan said, "Why don't you ask Barbara if George is available, he doesn't have a job!" (in reference to H.W. Bush who had just lost to Clinton. So good.) Then via satellite, Randy Savage was brought on to comment on the situation. He claimed to have a good idea of who he would ask to be his partner. After a few not-so-subtle hints, he made it clear: he wanted Mr. Perfect. Heenan and Perfect sat back and laughed at this. They had spent the entire year tormenting Savage, so why would Perfect possibly join up with him?

The turn began when Heenan, continuing to ridicule Savage, said almost as an aside, "I mean, Perfect is just a manager! He's a broadcaster!" Perfect turned toward Heenan, wordlessly, but his expression spoke loudly. Just a manager? A broadcaster? He was Mr. Perfect. Better than just a manager. Former Intercontinental Champion, dammit.

Heenan noticed Perfect's expression and tried to butter him up by giving him credit for having guided Flair to the top of the WWF. But McMahon rather unhelpfully pointed out that Heenan had actually always taken full credit for that. Heenan got flustered and began speaking rapidly in defense of himself. He spoke in the tone that anyone could read as that of a liar. And Perfect seemed to know it.

"I handle the money, you walk behind them, they take care of business," Heenan said. Once again, ever so subtly, he demeaned Perfect as the guy in Flair's shadow. When pressed further on whether or not Perfect could step in the ring after more than a year away, Heenan said, "You want him to get in that ring and get killed??" Again, establishing Perfect's inferiority and Flair's superiority.

McMahon demanded some kind of an answer from Perfect, and Perfect said, "I'll consider it." Heenan immediately exploded and started shouting, and Perfect shouted back. They cut to commercial.

When they came back, Flair and Ramon had joined via satellite, with Savage back via satellite too. The three of them crosstalked at each other about the situation until Mr. Perfect stood up. "I'm tired of people making decisions for me. Savage... I accept your offer."

Heenan leapt from his chair and committed an offense he committed years before with Andre the Giant; he slapped him. And immediately, after Perfect grabbed his collar and told him to never do that again, Heenan dropped to his knees. "Look what they've done to us! They've torn us apart! Look, I'll do anything! I'll double your salary, I'll buy you a boat! Just don't leave us!" And at the sight of this groveling coward before him, Perfect laughed hysterically and dumped a pitcher of water over Heenan's head. Fade to black.

***

Though the episode was certainly helped by Savage, Flair, Ramon and even McMahon, there is no way that this one-hour total about-face for Mr. Perfect could have been accomplished with anyone other than Bobby Heenan in charge. The fans had hated Perfect for nearly four years. He had never been a babyface. So it was going to take a unique character to turn him, to get the fans to side with Perfect. Only Heenan could do this. With subtle jabs at his ability and revealing comments about how he saw him, Heenan's character planted seeds of resignation within Perfect's character. The story was laid out for the viewer in less than an hour, and it was totally logical: Perfect didn't want to be seen as irrelevant anymore. He still had something to prove, and to do it, he was going to stick it to the biggest villains in the WWF, and in particular, that loudmouth beside him.

Only a character so hated could have pulled it off. Only a performer with the innate ability to take on humanity's worst qualities could have pulled it off. And that was Bobby Heenan — a naturally hilarious person who was born to be the very best in his profession, by being a complete jerk.

I don't think Bobby Heenan had to work very hard to be the best. I think he saw the world as a very easy game in which all you had to do was insult your opponent, and watch them shake. He spent an entire career doing this, and it brought him to the top everywhere he went.

This week, as you remember Heenan's greatness and go back to watch his best moments, don't sleep on this episode. It's Heenan's wonderful essence wrapped up into a neat one-hour package.

The King, forever and a day
Photo Credit: WWE.com

It's Wednesday, which means it's the median between the beginning and end of the week, but also the first Wednesday you'll spend no doubt since the wrestling world lost Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. While everyone is sad, and rightly so, it also has given people the chance to write some great stuff about him in tribute. And hey, the world continues to turn, and people are writing about other good stuff too. Give them all reads, c'mon!

I'd be remiss just to link to one piece about Bobby Heenan on TWB this week, so the whole Brain Week tag is here for you to click and check out. Keep checking back on this tag, as more stuff will drop today through Friday to help you cope with the loss of a veritable wrestling legend. [The Wrestling Blog]

I also wrote about how WWE's current practices of absorbing up top talent from outside its sphere and not utilizing their abilities when they get there is killing the overall business. [The Wrestling Blog]

David Bixenspan explores Heenan's career in depth, especially the time he spent in the territories and in the AWA before getting to WWE. [Deadspin]

Ian Williams also does a loving dive into Heenan's work and his life, focusing on how his color commentary made him the de facto manager for every heel in existence. [Waypoint on VICE]

Nick Piccone lists a bevy of memories he had of Heenan and all the wrestlers he helped enhance during his astonishing career. [Medium]

Norko Kipte went to the NWA Wildside reunion down in Cornelia, GA. He posted some thoughts about the big get together. [South Atlanta Wrestling]

JR Goldberg takes a look at the role of family and fatherhood in the lucha libre tradition. [Voices of Wrestling]

Ashly Nagrant peered into women's wrestling's future with the Mae Young Classic, and if it's a true indicator of what's to come, she wants that future NOW. [Deadshirt]

NON-WRESTLING #1: Spencer Hall examines the marketing behemoth that is the National Football League, and about how it doesn't ever have to worry about its main product, actual football, to remain successful. [SB Nation]

NON-WRESTLING #2: Elle Collins' Dream Casting this week takes aim at the All-New Superman book, which recast DC's Holy Trinity in Asia. [SyFy Wire]

Heenan and Bockwinkel, a verbal duo none could match
Screen Grab via TJR Wrestling

I talked yesterday about how putting Bobby Heenan with established talkers feels like a violation of conventional wisdom, but that in reality, it's adding strength to strength. Heenan was paired with some of the best promo men in history, Rick Rude and Ric Flair in WWE most notably. However, while his work in Vince McMahon's house of cartoon wrestling will be remembered the most warmly because of who came out the as the survivor of all those promotions from the '70s and '80s, Heenan's peak may have come as Nick Bockwinkel's manager in the American Wrestling Association.

Bockwinkel and Heenan both are considered among the greatest gabbers in the history of the art, but what made them work so well together was probably the fact that they complemented each other so well. While Bockwinkel was cool and eloquent, Heenan was acerbic, witty, almost litigious. I posted a video from the AWA where he went apeshit on Stanley Blackburn, the AWA, Jumbo Tsuruta, and the nation of Japan, but that was only half of what made him and Bockwinkel the greatest verbal tag team in history. It was missing the well-coiffed, even-better-vocabularied AWA ace. Below are a selection of promos featuring Heenan and Bockwinkel. The first shows them crowing after picking up a disqualification victory over Hulk Hogan to retain Bockwinkel's AWA World Heavyweight Championship:

While Heenan had always had the rep of being an ace at building a match, he and Bockwinkel both showed here that they were excellent when getting the chance to crow and brag after gaining a victory in battle, regardless of how cheap it was. Of course, Heenan's run of luck against Hogan would not survive when both would make the jump to WWE, but that goes to show how differently McMahon valued the dynamic of hero and villain than Verne Gagne did. The next video shows the duo hyping up a match with Mad Dog Vachon on an AWA Christmas Day show:

Those who only remember Heenan from WWE know that he was all talk and barely any action. He did wrestle for McMahon, but it was mostly in bloodlust-fulfilling wrestler vs. manager matches. Heenan however was a highly-regarded wrestler, so while it might be strange to newer school fans (and by newer school, I mean anyone who picked up wrestling in like 1985 and after) to hear Heenan physically threatening any active wrestler, let alone Crusher Blackwell, it actually fell in line with his skillset. The next video is a tutorial about the sleeperhold:

This promo actually shows Bockwinkel and Heenan working in concert to show up Verne Gagne and his son Greg on how they did the sleeper as opposed to how Bockwinkel applied it. They even brought up real life controversy with the Los Angeles Police Department and urged children and "old ladies" not to try this at home. The best heel work in wrestling always comes under the guise of righteousness. Not knowing anything else about the feud or the angle, I would venture to guess that it was Bockwinkel who was putting the choke on opponents, not Gagne, but spinning it as a double standard and showing receipts as to how much they "cared" about the kids at home? Yeah, that was classic weasel-wording hidden under self-righteousness. Next up:

Ah, classism and penis shaming. No one said that, regardless of their trappings, Heenan and his charges, even the highfallutin', dime-store word employing Bockwinkel, were gentlemen. Genteel, maybe, but the reason why they got so much heat was because of promos like that, ripping on pickup trucks and implying the redneck opponent had a small dick. But TH, you might ask, the AWA was a northern/Midwestern promotion, but I guarantee you that the rural culture that people assign to the South is prominent anywhere you go here in the States. Hell, take a trip from Philadelphia southeast to the Jersey Shore. Once you get a few miles outside of Millville, it's nothing but farmland and pickup trucks until you get to Route 9. Next:

Up front, the "pull your rickshaw" line was pretty, uh, problematic. I'll cover this later, but more than a few of Heenan's one-liners may not have flown today for good reason. But if you listened to Bockwinkel, he uttered the phrase "cretinous humanoids." It was one of his favorite burns to the fans and his opponents, and I'd like to think that Heenan kept using it as a tribute to his old friend when he got to WWE, at least the "humanoids" part. But this promo was great for two reasons. One, Bockwinkel set up a situation that made Tsuruta look like a coward for not defending the AWA World Championship as frequently as he had, which sounded like a great plea until you realized that Tsuruta rarely was able to come over to the States thanks to his responsibilities as the ace of All-Japan Pro Wrestling. The second reason was that Heenan was just so good at painting a picture with words. It's one thing to say that you're mad that another wrestler put his hands on you, but the way Heenan described Blackjack Mulligan's dirty hands, the drunkard ham 'n eggers he'd fight down in Texas, it painted a vivid picture in the mind.

The above sampling is just a taste of what kind of work that Heenan and Bockwinkel would do together in the AWA. Longtime fans of Gagne's stalwart promotion could tell you stories about how those two would run amok and then crow about their exploits afterwards, and they might be underselling the impact. Everyone loves Ric Flair with few exceptions, and while he may be the best micman of all-time, he didn't have the same rapport or chemistry with Heenan that Bockwinkel did, even if the Flair/Heenan teaming was glorious in its own right. That's how legendary Heenan and Bockwinkel were together.

Hogan and Heenan for better or worse had an inexorable link in their careers
Screen Grab via WWE.com

One of the most infamous nights in pro wrestling history was Bash at the Beach '96, when Hulk Hogan turned his back on World Championship Wrestling to join what would be known as the New World Order with Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. While the act came as an utter shock to most fans, Bobby Heenan asked on commentary "What side is Hogan on?" when he came sauntering out to apparently help the WCW team of Randy Savage, Sting, and Lex Luger. Some blamed Heenan for blowing the moment, but most people were savvy enough to know history between the two, that Heenan always knew Hogan was bad and this was finally the moment that his point of view and wrestling narrative lined up truthfully.

Of course, Heenan had so many reasons to distrust Hogan going back to their time in the American Wrestling Association. Hogan, then an upstart challenger to Heenan's BFF Nick Bockwinkel, kept challenging for the AWA World Heavyweight Championship. While Bockwinkel always came out on top, Heenan's luck with Hogan would reverse when both got to WWE. Hogan always thwarted the Heenan Family's attempts at taking his title, often leaving Heenan frustrated and humiliated. Of course, it was all by design to build the best WWE anchor superstar possible. Heenan by that point had over a decade of heat-mongering experience as a manager. In the '70s, his bloodied face would sell the most copies of the old Apter magazines because people hated him so much and wanted to see him get the what-for. That trend continued in WWE, not just as a manager to Hogan's adversaries (and later, Ultimate Warrior's and Randy Savage's), but as a color commentator as well.

Heenan's public support of Savage's claims against Hogan being a homewrecker may have been the key to getting Savage over as a heel in the situation. As the Mega Powers' explosion stood without narrative backing it up, Hogan did come off as having jealous eyes to some in the crowd. Heenan exhorting such a claim, however, was able to give all but the most stringent Hogan haters the okay to think that he only had Miss Elizabeth's best interests in mind. People like to give most of the credit for Hogan's rise to Hogan himself, or even worse, to Vince McMahon. However, while both of them should get a major piece of credit apiece, Hogan probably doesn't get to be as white hot as he does without Heenan the most out of all his adversaries. Roddy Piper, Savage, even the Undertaker all were good foils for Hogan to play off of, but it was Heenan whose constant bugging of Hogan who probably provided the steadiest and most effective antagonism.

That's why the aloud wondering whether Hogan was there to help or hurt the WCW partisans worked so well. Heenan had been burnt by Hogan so much that it wouldn't have made any sense had he joined in with Tony Schiavone and Dusty Rhodes in hailing him as a savior. Of all the one-liners and banter and cutting insights that Heenan had across any company, that one line of commentary might be his most memorable and most substantial question he's ever asked behind the broadcast booth.

As a postscript, Heenan had reason to resent Hogan in real life as well. He and Jesse Ventura planned on attempting to unionize the WWE locker room in the early '80s, but Hogan ratted them out to McMahon. I'm not entirely sure how that affected their working relationship; however, I would hesitate to use it as an example to say how Heenan was right about Hogan in real life too, as if The Brain's record was spotless. Of course, he didn't squelch unions, get caught on tape using racial slurs in earnest, or help kill First Amendment rights like Hogan did. Fuck Hulk Hogan is what I'm saying.

However, a lot of Heenan's material on the air ventured into risque and even offensive territory. I don't think he gets away with a lot of his material if he's around today. A lot of it was offensive to Asians and he ventured into transphobic territory way too much for comfort. Is that to say he's bad or not worth remembering? I wouldn't be dedicating an entire week to him if it was. The problem with judging people in the public eye is rarely someone going to be perfectly good or perfectly evil. Many luminaries, even in wrestling, especially in wrestling, have many warts to go with the good things remembered. It all matters how much one personally weighs them against each other. Hogan could have sold out the stadium in North Korea, but unless his drawing power cured cancer, nothing will ever redeem his selling out to me. Heenan's transgressions, though noteworthy enough to hold his legacy to some standard, were just warts, ugly warts that some will be able to shrug off and others might take a little to heart. It's all up to the person judging the body of work. The important thing is that all humans learn to respect each other, and if someone is really offended by one of Brain's lines not to lambaste them as being a snowflake or something else crude and insensitive. Maybe sit back and listen to them, y'know?

A SPECIAL BRAIN EDITION OF THE NEWSLETTER
Photo Credit: WWE.com

HELLO everyone and welcome to an exciting yet SOMBER edition of Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ here on The Wrestling Blog. That's right, Bobby Heenan has died, and OL' HORB FLERBMINBER is sad about it. Word on the street is that Ryback found out from Mickie James, who read it in Cody Rhodes' latest Facebook post which cross-referenced a dream The Maestro had about The Bandersnatch and Martin Luther King, Jr. having a conversation that was word for word Bobby Heenan saying, and I quote, that "Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ is my FAVORITE dirt sheet and also why do I have six hands?" EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BRUCE MITCHELL.

Of course, this outlet isn't the only one for my voluminous news missives and whatnot. You can follow me on Twitter if you just can't wait to get all that news CRAMMED in your facehole. Just go to @HorbFlerbminber, SMASH THAT FOLLOW BUTTON and let the scoops wash over you like Ranier Wolfcastle in the giant tsunami of acid while filming the Radioactive Man movie. Also, you can order back issues of my newsletter. Just make sure you buy another gallon of milk before you do. And this week, you can get all the issues featuring Bobby Heenan content on special. If you buy five issues, I'll send you a glossy 8x10 of Heenan, autographed*, absolutely free! Some of those issues include:

November 1, 1944 - I cover the birth of Bobby Heenan, including interviews from both his parents, including quotes like "Who let you the delivery room?" and "PUT THE FUCKING PLACENTA DOWN, NO ONE IN HERE KNOWS YOU."
November 18, 1970 - Interview with Heenan about his bloody-faced cover of Wrestler magazine. Quote, "I'll never make out with Edward Scissorhands' sister, Margaret Hatchetface, again."
October 3, 1984 - Coverage of Heenan leaving the AWA, including a quote from Verne Gagne "Bobby, could you please turn the light off before you go? Thanks."
January 27, 1988 - In depth coverage of Heenan ordering a Whopper with cheese but NO lettuce at Burger King
September 20, 2017 - The Life and Times of Bobby Heenan. Yes, this is a back issue. It's in the past by the time you're reading it, right? RIGHT?

Those issues and many more can be yours, if you just try. And now, the news.

- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan passed away Sunday of natural causes at age 73. He is survived by his wife Cynthia, his daughter Jessica, and his large adult son, Corey Graves.

- Heenan managed several wrestlers during his illustrious career, including Nick Bockwinkel, whom he led to four AWA World Championships, three AWA Tag Team Championships, $4,230 in savings at Men's Wearhouse in suit purchases, and almost the 1980 Presidential Election. Bockwinkel won the popular vote thanks to Heenan's tireless campaigning, but he was disqualified after the referee discovered that Heenan used brass knuckles on George HW Bush before the Vice-Presidential debate that year.

- Heenan's signature was calling people ham 'n eggers, which according to Heenan's wife Cynthia, came from his days fighting people literally made out of nothing but ham and eggs in his territorial days in Indianapolis. This story is chronicled in the Studio Ghibli anime called Rememberings of the Carnotaurus.

- Heenan left the AWA in 1984 to go to WWE, but he was the only one of Vince McMahon's raid targets who finished all of his dates with the former company. This was due to the long-held superstition he had that if he didn't keep his word in real life, Bloody Mary would steal his children and turn them into Seventh Day Adventists.

- In 1988, my uncle who works for WWE said that the first Ultimate Warrior died in a car crash and was replaced by a new one. What does this have to do with Bobby Heenan? That uncle... HE WAS BOBBY HEENAN.

- Before departing WWE in 1994, Gorilla Monsoon legally adopted Bobby Heenan as his son. Heenan also asked for 50 years of back Christmas and birthday presents, to which Monsoon replied "WILL YOU STOP IT."

- Many people remember Heenan asking if Hogan was the third man as he was making his way to ringside at Bash at the Beach '96, but what people forget is that Heenan followed it up with "And I bet he'll be videotaped saying something absolutely racist while making a sex tape with his best friend's wife about 15 to 20 years from now. That's the kind of guy Hogan is."

- Heenan was in the final running to play Ruby Rhod in Luc Besson's 1997 sci-fi blockbuster The Fifth Element. His audition was strong, but he ended up losing out to Chris Tucker.

NON HEENAN NEWS

- Bayley returned to RAW Monday after a month on the shelf recovering from a bwoken heawt after the mean WWE fans huwt her widdle feewings.

- WWE is bringing back the Starrcade name for a Thanksgiving Smackdown house show at the Greensboro Coliseum. Cody Rhodes commented "They're using the name of an event my FATHER created without personally asking me to see if it was okay? This is the absolute worst possible thing that has ever happened in wrestling, because I am wrestling royalty. HOW DARE THEY."

- Paige is back at the Performance Center preparing for an in-ring return, which means she'll be sidelined for another five years as WWE struggles to figure out which brand's main event five-way match to stick her in.

- Jim Cornette has left Impact Wrestling after having a near-aneurysm watching DJ Z flip with a little too much panache on an arm drag.

- Speaking of Impact Wrestling, Ed Nordholm has announced the new slogan to be "Less Talk, More Action." In unrelated news, Josh Mathews and Don West debating the merits of the metric system in an open, graded forum for the right to be Impact color commentator is scheduled to span the next five television tapings.

- Ric Flair has promised he is never drinking again. Bartenders across the country lowered their flags to half-staff.

- Davey Richards underwent knee surgery and is expected to be on the shelf for several months. He was quoted as saying "Well, paramedics need to have strong knees to do their job, so I guess I'm gonna have to put that off to continue being a wrestler for the next, I don't know, decade or so?"

- Richards no-showed the Ted Petty Invitational, but promoter Ian Rotten barred a fan from attending night two for making a comment critical of him and IWA Mid-South, just in case you think anyone in the business deserves sympathy at any given time.

- Cris Cyborg and Ronda Rousey are considering taking their potential megafight to a WWE right. Fight analysts are already calling it "a far more legitimate fight setting than Mayweather/McGregor."

- Lio Rush made his debut at the NXT tapings last week under the name "Jules Hurry."

- Chris Jericho is chartering a cruise for wrestling fans that will feature rock music, comedy, live podcasts, and a wrestling tournament presented by Ring of Honor. Officials are expecting anywhere between zero and five of the passengers to be women.

- What Culture has laid off several members of its staff, announced in a listicle titled "Surprise! Five Staff Writers and Administrators Who Are Going to Be Out of a Job Today by End of Business."

- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Amore was kicked off the company bus in response to him saying Bobby Heenan was a "certified G and a bona fide stud." Amore wasn't aware that he wasn't allowed to comment on Heenan because he missed the height requirement for being able to honor WWE Hall of Famers by two inches.

Last week's poll results are in, and only five percent of you picked the right answer. SHAME ON THE REST OF YOU. This week's poll:

HOW MUCH WILL YOU MISS BOBBY HEENAN

* - Picture autographed by me, not Heenan. Also, the picture may or may not be of me wearing a blond wig. Please don't sue.

Imagine them, but covered in gak
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Wrestling was so big in the 1980s that it was everywhere: music videos, movies, sporting events, and even children's game shows. Double Dare was one of Nickelodeon's flagship programs. For those who don't remember or who are too young to recall, it was a game that tested both the brain and the body. The physical challenges often involved sticky substances or other gross-out things. Many a kid got slimed on the soundstage, and guess what, during one episode, so did Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon.

This episode was part of a later iteration, when the show had to get even sloppier than before. Escalation is a killer. Heenan and Monsoon were on different teams, and they got down and dirty. Check out the full episode:

Undeniably the two best uncles you'll ever have in wrestling
Screen Grab via YouTube

When Bobby "The Brain" Heenan made his big rise to fame in the '70s and early '80s, it was as an easily-hateable villainous wrestler/manager hybrid. He was so good at getting under your skin that he was almost exclusively utilized in getting the big antagonists over, whether in the territories, the American Wrestling Association, or WWE. It was because of this exceptional ability that Heenan was asked to work as a color commentator not too long after he arrived in Vince McMahon's newly-national promotion, and from that chair, he added new dimensions to his act. But it was also in that seat, whether as a color commentator, a roundtable guest, or a studio host, that he revealed another proclivity, one that ran almost paradoxically to his traditional role as a venomous, lawyer-like megaheel, and that was as a beloved funnyman. All it took was pairing him with Gorilla Monsoon to do it.

Heenan and Monsoon both defined the word "avuncular" but in two totally different ways. Heenan was the sarcastic uncle, the one who always negged his nieces and nephews but in a playful and loving way that always made them laugh. It wasn't goofily over the top and cartoonish like Hillbilly Jim or any number of McMahon's-comedy-gimmicks would be, but more like Don Rickles' Mr. Warmth-style of roasting only put through a wringer and made palatable for not only the ears of children, but also their minds. If Heenan was the "funny" uncle, Monsoon was the gruff, aloof one who still showed he cared but in his own standoffish way. He was erudite and gregarious, but he easily took the heat and didn't really show much in the way of emotion past an initial hug or a greeting. But you knew it was there. It was how he was the best possible straight-man for Heenan's routine.

When they got together, Heenan and Monsoon would have a clearly antagonistic routine, but it wasn't borne of hatred. It would be based on Heenan talking his grandiose shit and Monsoon not buying it, or Heenan razzing Monsoon and him just replying in kind rather than getting into a snipe war with his clearly more clever partner, instead opting to subtly get him back later by "accidentally" smushing his face into a cake or taking over for a masseuse and getting just a bit too rough. It was the best possible comedy duo of contrasting personalities one could get, and it happened all on WWE television.

All the credit in the world goes to Heenan for being able to make such an about face while with Monsoon, but Monsoon should share that in equality, because Heenan could still retain such a weasely demeanor and heat-generating monologue simultaneously while cracking wise with Monsoon. He could do silly vignettes with Monsoon on a boat or wherever and make people laugh at the same time he was endorsing Rick Rude's attempt to seduce his rival's wife in the most odious, unwanted manner possible. That doesn't just happen with anyone, and it certainly can't happen if that one person didn't have such a perfect foil off which he could bounce.

It's why in the moment that Heenan let his guard down the furthest, he couldn't do anything but wish that his late friend could be there, and why everyone at his Hall of Fame induction in 2004 couldn't help but shed a tear/ It wasn't just because they knew that Heenan and Monsoon were as close as blood and that was why their relationship on camera could work. It was because those people in the audience, they were the nieces and nephews for which their favorite uncles in the world were doing their shtick. Heenan lost his best friend, but in essence, everyone growing up watching them lost a piece of their childhood.

So while Heenan does and absolutely should get all the applause for his work in getting the villain over in a pro wrestling ring, one cannot discount the ways he and Monsoon made the people love them. It's one of the great paradoxes in wrestling history, and yet it makes the most sense. At the end of the day, every performer in wrestling wants people to appreciate their work. It's just as a heel, the best way to show that appreciation is through booing and hatred. Most performers need the audience to be in on the kayfabe to get true love. Heenan was lucky enough to have a Monsoon for him that he could have the best of both worlds without ever needing the audience to have the fourth wall broken.

A gimmick welcome home for two iconic voices
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Bobby Heenan was best known as a commentator for his call on the 1992 Royal Rumble match. His 60+ minute partisan cheer session for Ric Flair will go down as one of the greatest pieces of character enhancement and frantic vocal performance in a wrestling setting in history. I'm not highlighting that match here because I didn't have time to watch it and give it its due. You can actually check out @wrestlefeed's tweets from last night, because he watched the whole event and live-tweeted it. Honestly, it's one of the greatest matches of all-time, even without Heenan's commentary, but The Brain pushed it over the top. It deserves nothing more than a dissertation and analysis and high praise, and I will need time to rewatch it so I can give it the treatment that it is owed to it.

However, Heenan did call another battle royale with high notoriety. The Gimmick Battle Royale at WrestleMania X-7 not only brought out nostalgia overload to the fans as a palate cleanser between epic matches at one of the top two Mania events of all-time, but it marked the return of both Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund to WWE after they both left in the early '90s for the greener pastures of World Championship Wrestling. It's not the classic Heenan/Gorilla Monsoon pairing; Monsoon couldn't have been a part even if he wanted to since he died in 1999. However, Heenan and Okerlund had great rapport with each other, and it showed here. The video is 14:45 long, and about ten minutes of it is entrances with Heenan riffing over them. It's not classic Brain, but it's still great, especially coupled with the warmness of his grand homecoming to WWE.

Content warning: you're going to see a bit of Confederate flag imagery. Michael Hayes' robe is patterned after the traitor's flag, and someone actually brought the thing to the event to wave around.

Would I let my kids partake in such violence?
Photo Credit: WWE.com

It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Would you be squeamish supporting your kid being a wrestler while knowing of the frequent injuries that occur in the business?
— A Tired Black Man (@francisadujr) September 20, 2017

This question is difficult to answer for two reasons, but I would lean no. Right now, I'm against either of my kids playing football because the CTE risks are off the charts. Obviously, if either one wanted to play (especially my daughter because of the opportunities to dissolve gender hierarchy), I probably would let them under protest because they are, ultimately their own lives. Wrestling carries a similar risk, but at the same time, the siren call of doing something like English-style grappling or a lighter-bumping repertoire might make it a little more easy to palate. The second reason would be that I love wrestling more than any other pastime activity by a large margin. It would give me endless thrills to see either one of my kids make it to a major company on national television as a wrestler, even with all the red flags. Ultimately, I would be against it though for their own safety, but again, their lives are their own. I just gotta hope for the best, y'know?

Hoping to return to @VANGUARDMKE Sunday night. If you joined us, what would you order? https://t.co/sYxNX4hFWF #TweetBag
— Star of Savage (@StarOfSavage) September 20, 2017

God, I would have such a hard time choosing between a bratwurst done Milwaukee-style or the Nashville Hot Chicken, so I'd have to get one of each and judge myself. For science.

Also Scott, stop trying to kill me. My cardiologist is already mad enough at you.

If you were forced to go on a reality show, which would you appear on? Which would you absolutely hate to be on?
— Nick Christakos (@nick36c) September 20, 2017

I'm a total wimp, so Survivor is out. I live with small children, so I am immune to microaggressions and annoyances, but I'm also terrible at competitions, so no Big Brother. I wouldn't sign the clearance to be on Undercover Boss. In fact, none of those reality competition/real world shows appeal to me. Let me crash at Todd Chrisley's place as his Roy for a couple of episodes though, and I'll be good. So my answer is Chrisley Knows Best. I don't care if that's not a valid answer. It's my answer.

Protected user @adamsgroove asks:

Will we ever have anyone who can make or break a wrestler like Heenan, or is that age long gone?

WWE tested this theory a few years ago by making a "Paul Heyman guy" a thing. It didn't work for either Cesaro or Curtis Axel, and many people believe it actively hurt CM Punk. Basically, Heyman was and maybe still is a positive for Brock Lesnar, but no one else could really feel his magic, if he ever had any to begin with as an on-screen character. Now, one could say WWE didn't really give much support to either Axel or Cesaro, and it treated Punk as an afterthought for much of his 434 day title reign. That being said, one thinks of Bobby Heenan as a guy who got people booed on sight. Was this a maxim? It's hard to say because the eras were so different. It's hard to imagine someone like Axel or Cesaro not getting reactions in Rock 'n Wrestling or even Attitude Era WWE because crowds were different then. It's also hard to imagine Heenan managing someone and them not getting over, even if he probably had examples. However, examples of Heenan Family members being among the most heat-absorbing of their era are so numerous that the Heenan on-sight theory feels correct, right? Anyway, to your question, I'm not entirely sure that era is long past. Maybe someone comes along who's such a heat magnet that he gets someone over just by association. Right now, it feels dead, but who knows. Things change in wrestling all the time.

A hall of fame worthy man if ever one existed
Photo Credit: WWE.com

In 2004, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan had already fought one round of cancer into remission. He was frail and gaunt, but he still had the spark of life in him. Also in that year, WWE thought it a good idea to bring back the Hall of Fame to coincide with WrestleMania XX. The first class back contained several luminaries: Superstar Billy Graham, Junkyard Dog, Harley Race, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Don Muraco, Sgt. Slaughter, Tito Santana, Big John Studd, Jesse "The Body" Ventura. But the crown jewel of that class was Heenan. It had to be.

At that induction, Heenan, voice frail from recently coming off chemotherapy and radiation treatment, went up to the podium and gave one last speech to a wide wrestling crowd. He tugged at heartstrings. He roasted his peers. He gave love to his family and friends. And in the end, it was the Heenan fans wanted to love come to life for one time, when he shed the Weasel persona and allowed himself to indulge in the same warmth only reserved for the heroes he'd be antagonizing. Watch the whole thing and try not to tear up a bit.

"I, Shane McMahon, condemn..." that entire promo, yeesh
Photo Credit: WWE.com

This week on Smackdown I'm learning to live with:

This Week's McMahon-igans
I wasn't feeling the upcoming Hell in a Cell match featuring Shane McMahon and Kevin Owens when it was ostensibly about McMahon keeping his job. I'm feeling it even less given that the match has nothing to do with that and everything to do with McMahon family honour. Ah yes, the McMahons, such classic good guys that we should cheer for.

Let's review: Shane becomes increasingly involved in the United States Championship series between Owens and AJ Styles to the point where he blatantly interferes for no good reason. Kevin Owens is an asshole, but everything he confronts Shane with is true; however, saying that Shane's kids would be better off if he was dead means that it's totally fine for Shane to beat him up even though Owens doesn't fight back. Everyone agrees that Shane was in the right. Then Vince McMahon shows up, cracks fat jokes at Owens' expense, mocks him for turning to the law instead of physically fighting back, and boasts about how there's nothing Owens can do because he's not a rich asshole with rich asshole friends, but in this case it's NOT totally fine for Owens to fight back, and everyone agrees that Shane is still in the right for avenging his father or whatever.

I realize that WWE is not the place to turn to for a strict moral code or even logical storytelling, but the double standard here is pretty apparent. Shouldn't Vince approve of Owens “fighting like a man” when another man gets in his face and tries to cut him down? Shouldn't someone point out that even though Owens probably went too far it's still not fine to be at risk of violence if you say something your boss doesn't like? Or that Owens has a family, too, and they also probably didn't enjoy watching someone they care about be beaten up and belittled? Shouldn't we be mocking Shane for delivering lines like “I, Shane McMahon, condemn you?”

Owens is doing great heel work. His spot during this episode was amazing, increasing in intensity as he denied responsibility while still clearly looking forward to beating up Shane. I'd love to want to see him get his just desserts, but he's clearly in the right. Vince McMahon is not a helpless old man or an innocent bystander. Shane is not a noble underdog. This whole thing makes no sense.
There are still three weeks until Hell in a Cell, and we can still at least get a good match out of this. AJ Styles decided to stick his nose in this business, so you could sub him in for Shane since apparently they're best buds now. Sami Zayn unfortunately didn't show up this week, but you could have Owens' constant needling of him lead somewhere. Actually, I'd kind of love to see Zayn come out on Owens' side, not because he can forgive what happened in the past but because he realizes that Owens has a point. Heck, just throw Luke Harper in against Owens for no reason other than that it would make me happy. I would forgive so much if that happened.

A Good Randy Orton Match Outta Nowhere
I sighed when Randy Orton meandered out to take on Aiden English, but to my pleasant surprise their match wasn't a 10-second squash. English was able to get a lot of offense in and really challenged Orton to up his game. It was heartening to see him be taken seriously as an opponent. Orton still won, of course, but for once I didn't mind enormously.

Happy Rusev
Let's ignore that Rusev was only able to beat Randy Orton because Orton was tired from his previous bout and also was distracted by Aiden English. Let's not anticipate that Rusev is definitely going to be ground into the dirt yet again when Orton gets his own back. For now let's just enjoy the image of an ecstatic (not elated; he doesn't know what that means) Rusev wildly joyful that he had regained his honour and not disappointed his country. I need more celebratory Rusev hops in my life, and I never want him to stop smiling.

The Loneliest Wolf
Even jumping AJ Styles mid-pose before the bell had rang for their match didn't help Baron Corbin get the job done. And I can't pretend he didn't fully earn the interference on the part of Tye Dillinger running in to rescue Styles, but I still felt bad for the poor child when he rolled out of the ring thoroughly thrashed. Of course, that didn't stop him from nearly biting Renee Young's head off in impotent rage, but that's what makes him my favourite teenage dirtbag werewolf.

The Drama Bros
Out of all the teams in the Tag Division, we're getting a story with the Hype Bros. I'm a little intrigued by the idea of Dark Mojo Rawley, but I'm still finding it hard to sympathize with them because they're sad about losing (this time to the New Day). Frankly, it's not like they've descended from any lofty heights. And the Ascension haven't won in forever, but you don't see them having serious conversations backstage about it. Actually, you don't see the Ascension at all lately. And where have the Fashion Police gone? And why aren't we spending time with Chad Gable and Shelton Benjamin? I'm happy to stick with the Usos and New Day in the championship scene for now, but we do remember that other tag teams exist, right guys? Guys?

A Wild Women's Division Appears
Charlotte Flair, Becky Lynch, Lana, and Tamina have all been missing in recent weeks but they reappeared just in time for Natalya's “celebration of women” a weirdly written and delivered bit that probably could have been good in the hands of a good actor (I do like Natalya but her line delivery is awful). I particularly enjoyed Flair's “wtf?” reaction when Natalya said that she'd accomplished what even Amelia Earhart couldn't. She...made a successful circumnavigational flight around the globe? What a bizarre thing to say. Also, “I am not a crazy cat lady! I am Natalya!” Great rebuttal, there.

Anyway, everyone immediately declared that they wanted a shot at the Women's Championship (minus Carmella, who I guess has no interest in winning it the old fashioned way since she has the Money in the Bank contract) and since “ask and it shall be given you” is the motto of this division, they were all put into a number one contender's match. Even Naomi, who just lost both her title defence and her rematch. I certainly don't want to see Naomi left out, but these are the ridiculous situations that keep happening when your entire division consists of six wrestlers and one manager.

I did like the match between Flair, Lynch, Naomi, and Tamina a lot, though. It definitely made up for what was a rough episode in other patches, and there were some fun spots, like Flair moonsaulting onto both Naomi and Tamina. No opportunity was wasted, with everyone rushing to lock in submissions or attempt a pin wherever they could. I also liked Flair being the first to break ranks with her fellow faces, striking Naomi when it was just the three of them. The finish really came down to the wire, with Flair only winning because of Lana's interference with Naomi. I'm happy with this outcome, but I'd really like to see some kind of secondary story that will give Becky Lynch something to do.

SURprisE
Photo Credit: WWE.com

then

now

the brain, forever.

Mauro Ranallo: Fans and humanoids alike, we've got another great hour from Full Sail for you tonight. In the main event, Moustache Mountain goes up against Not reDRagon and Aleister Black finally speaks!

Full Sailors: cheer loudly for Jonathan Grapples once again
Tino Sabatelli: You kiddin' me? Him!? taunts and facewashes
Johnny Gargano: clearly mumbling to himself
Tino: nice dropkick, right hands He ain't got nuthin' on me, boy. chinlock
Full Sailors: clap to rally
Johnny: No.
Tino: No? No what?
Johnny: ...

NO. beats the crap out of him, step up enzuigiri, superkick, Gargano Escape
Referee: Winner!

Roderick Strong: Mr. Regal, I think my resume speaks for itself at this point. I would like another title opportunity.
Master Regal: Very well, lad. In a fortnight, you will face Drew McIntyre for the NXT Championship.
Both: shake hands

Sonya Deville: Asuka was scared of me...
Everybody Everywhere Ever: LOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL
Blatant Liar: ...so the belt's going to be mine. And if anyone's got a problem with that, #PYHU and SU

Lacey Evans: I can't believe what Crazy McGoo said, y'all. I'm the one up next.
Bianca BelAir: Did you see me in the Mae Young? I'M up next.
Lacey: glares
Bianca: same
Lacey: Legsweep!
Bianca: Oh, you done messed up, now. hairpull throwdown, elevated double chickenwing, rope-assisted bow and arrow
Lacey: I'm fine! (sotto voce) ish (/) Slingshot elbow drop! Shotei! Handstand splash!
Bianca: And this, Liberty Belle, is where we part ways. Stun Gun! whips her with her hair
Everybody In The Arena: I said godDAMN!
Willow Smith: applauds
Bianca: Overhead powerbomb!
Referee: Winner!
Bianca: Well, obvs. Stupid little Japanese pirates getting in my way...

Aleister Black...no, seriously: 15 years ago I started a journey that led me here. And in that time I traveled the globe. I saw and experienced a lot, which I put on my skin with these scars from the heart on my throat to the devil on my back. But my journey here is far from done, and I know what I need to do...
Velveteen Dream: ...get interrupted by me. All that fades to black must come into the light. All I see is a hurt man in pain with lies scribbled on his skin. Your biggest problem is fear — afraid to show emotion and afraid of my light. You have a heart...it's just in the wrong place.
Black: Masses the microphone out of his hand, sits
VD: hits his knees in front of Black
Large Subset Of The Crowd: OMG THEY'RE GONNA MAKE OUT
VD: slithers out of the ring backwards

Dakota Kai: If you saw me in the Mae Young Classic, then you know how good I am. I'm the captain of Team Kick — I'll do it to anyone who stands in my way — and I Want The Belt.

No Way Jose: tries everything a Lawful Good would
Lars Sullivan: beats him up like he owes him money, diving headbutt, modified slam
Referee: Winner!
Everyone: Yeesh.

Moustache Mountain: wave and groom at the Full Sailors
Full Sailors: wave and groom back
Not ReDragon: get the advantage quickly, throw a lot of knees at Trent and boot Tyler to keep him from tagging in
Some Guy: jumps on the apron
Bobby Fish: trucks Seven into the barrier
Trent VII: hits a desperation Seven Stars Lariat
Tags: made
Tyler Bate Tyler Tyler Bate: Flashpoint! Delayed Exploder! Running Shooting Star Press!
Fish: makes the save
TVII: tosses and topes him, then gets sent into the steps
NReDragon: Not Chasing The Dragon!
Tyler: Foot on the ropes! sends Kyle into Bobby and tags out again
TVII: gets a half crab in the ring
Tyler: gets superkicked by Some Guy bay bay outside of it
NReDragon: Sandwich roundhouses! Not Total Elimination!
Referee: Winners!
the Undisputed Era: And there will be no comeuppance!
Drew McIntyre's Music: hits
DMC: hits the ring
UE: bail and laugh As we said before, there will be no comeuppance.
SAnitY: Do tEll. beat them around the arena until a low level of comeuppance is reached
Nigel McGuiness: I can't believe those cowards jumped them from behind unprovoked!
Mauro Ranallo: WILL YOU STOP

No one did it better than The Brain. No one.
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan was a manager. He was a color commentator, a studio host, a roast comedian, and contrary to some reports, a wrestler. He wasn't unique in that he wore all those hats during his career, one that spanned over four decades. It was that he excelled in all areas. He was the quintessential wrestling personality, which for a dumpy kid with a lisp from the Midwest might seem an extraordinary feat. Self-professed pundits beat people over the head with this cudgel that look is the most important thing in wrestling, but honestly, what wrestlers got over on looks alone? Fuck, Hulk Hogan was balding before he got the rocket of Hulkamania shoved up his ass. It's about connecting with fans, and if you find someone better than Heenan at that, then my first inclination will be to call you a liar.

It's the reason why people loved him even as they loved to hate him. You make someone want to throw garbage at you, threaten your life, say heinous things about your parents and offspring, and you've got your hooks in them. You live inside their brains, and once you're there, it's hard to be removed from the premises. If you stay there long enough, you can be loved, even if your shtick doesn't change too drastically. The guy whose bloodied image you lapped up to sate your vicarious lust for vengeance will turn rose colored once enough time gets between your desire to see him get put into a meat grinder and the present day. Even if he still makes you boo him with full throat like a drunk Philadelphia fan unloading on a Dallas Cowboy or New York Met, deep down you respect him for the ability and have a special place in your heart for the dedication.

Ability and dedication were two things Heenan never lacked. He was witty to a fault. For better or worse, he wasn't afraid to delve into references that went over people's heads or even cater to the lowest common denominator. It wasn't so much that he had one well to go to, but that he had range. Again, it might not have been the most politically correct, and it's not wrong to call some of the most problematic moments out, but the point is that he always went in, and when he went in, he knew exactly the right place to go. He never stabbed in the dark. He always had the innate sense that the thing he was about to say was going to cut not only his target but that target's fans in ways that would get a rise out of them.

In the '60s through the early '80s, it would be to stoke a bloodlust. When Vince McMahon paired him with Gorilla Monsoon, that true outcome for vicarious vengeance was joined by a second one to make the audience laugh. Granted, being able to make people seethe with rage or split their sides are kindred abilities. One person's joke is another's microaggression. But it's not necessarily that duality of verbal excellence that made Heenan a hallmark, but again, how deep he was able to derrick for the reaction is what made him impressive. He seemed so natural at finding the turn of phrase that would get the biggest rise out of whomever, and while jabronis like myself strain and strain and strain some more to be witty, often failing and only coming up with the best lines with severe l'esprit de l'escalier, he made it look easier than Michael Jordan made making clutch shots. No one should ever compare Heenan to the best in any other field. Those people should be compared to The Brain.

The innate ability he had allowed him to remain dedicated to the act long past the sell-by dates of even some of the best comedians or wrestling talkers. And yet Heenan never stopped quipping as long as he was in the public eye. Even at his Hall of Fame induction, weakened and squeaky-voiced, he was sharp as ever. It was of course for the love and devotion of those listening, but his heyday was a time when he'd orate to present a reason for the characters he antagonized to want blood from him. At a time when not every fan was in on the joke, or if they were, weren't too cool to wear it on their sleeves and instead got immersed in the experience like it was real, that was a proposition that could've threatened his life. And yet, when it seemed like he got those fans angry, he'd double down to get them to the point of apoplexy.

It was that same dedication that made him become the butt of so many jokes when he transitioned from wannabe lawyer palling around with Nick Bockwinkel and the Blackjacks to affable co-star to Gorilla Monsoon. He wasn't just great at throwing the verbal jab, but he could take the physical comedy, whether it be bumping wildly for Ultimate Warrior or Crusher Blackwell, or sight gags like riding into WrestleMania IX on a camel seated backwards or getting his face embedded in a sheet cake. He never half-assed anything. Even while working disinterested in a three-man World Championship Wrestling booth, giving the appearance that he wasn't into it, he was still adding to the commentary, to the narrative, even if Eric Bischoff was in the process of ruining Tony Schiavone as a play-by-play commentator. If you want to disparage Heenan's WCW work, go ahead, but it's discounting a lot of heavy lifting, especially him going full bore into putting Bill Goldberg over. It was uncharacteristic for the chickenshit-loving, sarcastic and conniving Brain to get full bore behind a clean-cut monstrous babyface killer, but he did it, and it only added to Goldberg's mystique.

It's easy for 35-going-on-36 year old TH to wax nostalgic and poetic about a wrestling figure based on his talents in an analytical and critical way. The true mark of a professional was how they would manipulate the feelings of someone not as in the fade, whether it be a fan that is more "IT'S STILL REAL TO ME" about watching it or a young child, say, like 10-going-on-11 year old TH. Yeah, Heenan drove me nuts with his antics, even if by the time I started watching regularly, he was in the twilight of his managerial career. I got the FULL HEENAN experience with Ric Flair in WWE, and it made me not like Flair as a doe-eyed definition of the word mark, but I always enjoyed Heenan on commentary. He resonated with me because he was different. I could overlook supporting the villains, because he gave me something to aspire to in other areas, like crafting a narrative. When we used to wrestle at home, despite all the warnings from WWE not to do just that, and it wasn't my turn to "work," I would commentate the action doing my best Heenan. It wasn't any good; I may have gotten slightly wittier over the years, but man, the well's not even that deep now. But that didn't stop me from trying. My wrestler avatar was always based more after Hulk Hogan or other ubermensch heroes, but Heenan was the model for my critical eye, which after all those years, turned out to be the more accurate predictor.

So that's why this one hits the hardest. It could also be that Heenan never had the lurid stories of malfeasance out of the ring. He didn't bust a union. He didn't physically intimidate his girlfriend at best or throw his life away with booze and womanizing. He didn't bully folks backstage, nor did he defecate on people's belongings for kicks. Most importantly, he was so far above any bar set by the fan-friendliest wrestlers that he was on Mount Everest while everyone else was by the Dead Sea. Stories told about him go above and beyond expectation. It just all seems so unfair that this guy would spend the last 15 years of his life in so much physical pain, robbed of his ability to speak by the end, and die at a far-too-young 73 when others with blacker souls and less to add live longer.

But then again, karmic justice isn't real, or else a whole legion of people alive now would've been stricken in the womb before they could do their evil. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan gave the world 73 years of life that are worthy of song and epic poem. Even if it seemed like he was far removed from life that he might as well have been dead for the last few years, this one still stings pretty hard, much in the same way that when Randy Savage died after nearly a decade avoiding the business that made him famous that it hurt bad. Heenan was that special, and since all of us who remain mourning him have the footage, the memory of his voice and his antics, he will remain special forever. Godspeed and bless, Bobby Heenan. Rest in peace. Rest in power.

This match had the wrong finish and it had everything to do with WWE's errors in long-term planning
Photo Credit: WWE.com

I didn't catch the beginning of No Mercy, but it didn't matter, because I was going to get to watch the two matches that mattered at least. Additionally, I did get to see a hard, violent Tag Team Championship match that featured Cesaro getting Toshiaki Kawada teeth and a fun Women's Championship match that saw Nia Jax take Ziggler-scale-pegging bumps. However, both the Roman Reigns/John Cena SUPERFIGHT and the Universal Championship match were in a word underwhelming. The former took too long to peak and didn't nearly fulfill its promise, while the latter was more or less a boilerplate Brock Lesnar match in front of a ragged crowd. However, the turn of events forestalled a direction WWE has been heading towards since WrestleMania XXXI.

WWE's main perceived weakness is that the booking is too flighty. Plans change too much week to week, and the lack of overall direction causes the company to give away big matches at inexplicable times or run with repetitive builds to what should be money matches. Yet the feeling after the duo of matches last night was that WWE missed a huge opportunity not strapping Braun Strowman. I'd be lying if I said I'd rather see Lesnar at the top of the RAW roster than the Monster Among Men. Strowman is the dude, and I think WWE waiting to put him on a pedestal and running stories through him is time the company is just squandering.

The problem is that looking through the company through that lens is dangerous, because WWE doesn't book to me and to other critics within the bubble. I'm okay with that, even if I'm not entirely sure what audience WWE is trying to cater to. However, the key to seeing what worth officials see in staying the course for Reigns/Lesnar II is all in two things — Lesnar's contract and reactions that Reigns gets. Both are obvious, to be honest. Lesnar is probably not coming back after his latest deal is up at WrestleMania, so of course one would want to make his final act of putting someone outside of the already-established crowd over. WWE really doesn't care whether you as a fan cheers or boos Reigns as long as you react to him, and putting him at the forefront makes sense no matter what one thinks about how corny he is (hint: he's real fuckin' corny) or whether he's a good traditional face or not (hint: he's not, but really who cares).

So everyone should be okay with reprising one of the three best WrestleMania main event matches ever, right and telegraphing it so that the build really gets hammered home. The crowd in New Orleans should be hot, the match will be great, and Lesnar will go out putting over someone who debuted after the company got the F out. So what's the problem? Why does it feel like this match could be better, that it comes with a dose of existential dread? It's because WWE has a better match in store that involves one of these guys and someone newer and fresher. If you think the one being replaced here is Reigns, you've got another thing coming.

The problem is, and has always been, Brock Lesnar.

Lesnar's primacy has felt artificial for awhile now. One could pinpoint the fall back to WrestleMania XXXI when he lost the title without being involved in the pin, but honestly, it was a year later that his routine got tiring. I'm not saying Dean Ambrose should've beaten him. However, it was a fucking hardcore match. Would it have killed Lesnar to take at least one table bump or absorb one shot from a weapon? After that, the sheen came off the rose. Even if his matches were good (at least the WrestleMania match vs. Goldberg was good, very good), they hit a rote formula that felt samey even by WWE standards. It didn't help that Paul Heyman would come out and cut the same promo over and over for him. It would be one thing if he was worth the time, but numbers keeps showing that he's not necessarily something that rejuvenates WWE's bottom line commensurate with his salary.

Meanwhile, Lesnar clogging up the main event becomes emblematic of WWE's reliance on part-time talent to act as centerpieces for the big events, despite the fact that during both boom periods, WrestleMania main events were always big matches between top full-time stars. Nothing reinforces that your roster means nothing when most of if gets precluded from the most important matches at WrestleMania in favor of guys like The Rock, Bill Goldberg, Undertaker, Triple H, and Lesnar.

Meanwhile, the hottest feud in the company, by far, over the last year has been Reigns vs. Strowman. It is a feud more worthy of a WrestleMania main event than any other the company has run, and maybe more than any other the company has the potential to run outside of maybe, maybe Johnny Gargano vs. Tommaso Ciampa₁. One might say that well was plumbed completely dry over the past year when they wrestled each other on seemingly every RAW brand pay-per-view, but at the same time, each match was a goddamn banger, and it was left off at a point that didn't completely resolve their issue. Hell, it doesn't take much to reignite a feud that hot anyway. Just take a look at how many times the John Cena/CM Punk feud kept sparking back up between the Pipe Bomb and when Punk left WWE.

Cena vs. Punk was another match that could and absolutely should have headlined a WrestleMania. However, WWE's slavish devotion to wrestlers who only show up for big shows prevented that from happening. WWE made the mistake of announcing the main event of WrestleMania XXVIII the night after XXVII, and then it doubled down by putting Rock over Cena, necessitating that they do it again a year later. The company didn't leave room for the possibility that someone could rise up and take primacy over the dude whose first job was making movies. That was one of the big reasons why Punk just up and left after the 2014 Royal Rumble. Wrestlers work hard every day of the year so that maybe they can get some of the biggest rewards. For most, hard work is not nor will it ever be enough, but for people like Punk, who spark the biggest fires organically, that carrot should always be in reach. The fact that it wasn't should have raised the biggest red flag.

Strowman is a special kind of talent where he could stay prominent underneath a Mania main event feud, but at this point, or at least until the finish of last night's main event, he was at critical mass. Wrestling promotion is about finding the curious balance between telling a long-term story with overarching vision and striking when irons are hot. It's funny how WWE rarely ever does the latter, and it only seems to do the former when it comes to people working with part-timers. That model is unsustainable, and I don't see how anyone can defend it as not being such. If you can't build hot matches with your full-timers, get out of promotion.

Of course, telling WWE to get out of promotion is like trying to empty the Pacific Ocean with a Dixie cup, and by the time you can effectively let it know where it went wrong, it'll be too late. WWE should take an opportunity for self-reflection and see that it needs to do a better job of big picture planning and not just trying to attract casual fans to Mania for dudes they remember from their days as fans. It's about using those part-time guys to supplement a vibrant roster that can stand on its own in hopes of keeping those fans around for the new hotness, or more accurately, to attract new lifelong fans. Reigns/Strowman does that. Reigns/Lesnar II? It remains to be seen.

1 - Why not Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn? I love that feud, but WWE did minimal work. The creative team expected everyone to either know the history beforehand or just nod and smile when the segments just told them of the wars they underwent on the indies, excuse me, sorry, "around the world." Fans have seen the Gargano/Ciampa story unfold from beginning to climax with presumably more chapters left to tell, pending the health of Ciampa's knee.

Related, I'm gonna try to work in "YOU HAVE BETRAYED EVOLVE WRESTLING" into random conversations now

EVOLVE 92 and 93 were supposed to be broadcast over FloSlam this past weekend. That didn't happen, mainly because Flo kicked the WWN Live family of networks off its streaming service. Why, you might ask? Well, as it turns out, FloSlam is suing WWN Live for misrepresentation of data during contract negotiations. David Bixenspan, who blew the lid off Gabe Sapolsky's malfeasance in choosing a venue for PROGRESS Wrestling's excursion into New York City, has all the details about it here. Originally, the lawsuit "wasn't to get out of the partnership" said FloSlam senior vice president and general counsel Paul Hurdlow, but then this past weekend's shows didn't air, and all future WWN Live events were taken off the schedule. While wrestling is still available on FloSports, WWN Live was the bulk of the service's content. Over the Top Wrestling in Ireland, IPW: United Kingdom, and House of Hardcore are the other major promotions, but they don't run as nearly a regular schedule.

Why did FloSlam file suit? As it turns out, Sapolsky, Sal Hamaoui, and WWN Live misrepresented numbers when negotiating the deal. Apparently, WWN officials claimed that EVOLVE shows averaged 5,000 buys via their own a la carte Internet pay-per-view service, which they parlayed into a six-figure deal. Flo only saw 2,000 subscribers at its peak, which fluctuated based on whatever price point the service was offering at that time. It originally started out at $20/month, but inexplicably inflated it to $30/month a few months back. To counter, even discounting WWE Network and the company's large mass of capital behind it allowing to stream at only $9.99/month, the following is a list of streaming services and their prices, in American dollars:

Chikaratopia: $7.99/month
Highspots Network: $9.99/month
Powerbomb TV $9.99/month
Demand PROGRESS: $7.50/month
New Japan World: $8.95/month
DDT Universe: $8.06/month
STARDOM World: $6.69/month

Only two of them even equal WWE Network's price point. It's unfathomable to charge that much money for a streaming service that offers pretty much only WWN Live's content, especially since Sapolsky, Hamaoui, and everyone else working there seems not to care about presentation or production values or booking cohesion. Of course, a $20/month price point might have been a value had FloSlam netted the haul it was originally looking for. The service ambitiously went for all the big fish: CMLL, New Japan Pro Wrestling, Ring of Honor, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. However, it couldn't procure any of those promotions, but judging by the brusque and cheap way it handled people cancelling yearly subscriptions, I doubt customer service is one of the service's strong points.

Then again, in that regard, Sapolsky and FloSlam were made for each other, because the booker man is one of the most aloof, least customer-friendly people in all of wrestling. His part of the story goes beyond attempting to defraud a streaming service for more money than his services were worth. To be honest, the grift was perhaps the most noble thing about Sapolsky throughout the whole ordeal. Who doesn't want to get all the cash you can from someone willing to give it? The problem is Sapolsky isn't exactly Robin fuckin' Hood over here. He's just as much a wannabe robber baron as every single one of his peers, from Vince McMahon down to Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo, Jr. running vagrant wrestling cards in the alley behind the bar.

The first piece of this half of the story is an e-mail that was leaked to Bixenspan at Fightful from an unknown person in the EVOLVE locker room. That e-mail was innocuous enough; it seemed to confirm that the family of promotions was in a "transition" period without FloSlam, and that he wanted the talent to work on a few things so as to get them ready for a transition into WWE. Basically, the laundry list was work on lock-ups, tighten up psychology, sell smarter, and present yourselves in a more family-friendly manner. Nothing to get worked up over, right? Well, not if you're Gabe Sapolsky, who apparently flipped his shit over the "leak." Perhaps it wasn't so much that the e-mail leaked, but that William Regal caught wind of it and decided to reply to his portrayal in it?

Sensing his nut in WWE was about to be busted, Sapolsky did what he does best; lash out at people not responsible for the problems, of course. Aaron Bentley of the Everything EVOLVEs podcast, had Sapolsky reach out to himy, where he claimed the leaked e-mail almost cost him his job with WWE, and that Bentley and co-host Aaron Taube "betrayed EVOLVE Wrestling" when they would not reveal to him the one who leaked the e-mail. Even more hilariously, he threatened to fire an EVOLVE employee if they did not reveal to him the source of the leak. Even though Bentley claims not to be a journalist, he showed far more journalistic integrity here than the average wrestling writer displays when working with Sapolsky, who is pretty much a spoiled brat who has co-opted so many media sources on his way to a position of undeserved independent wrestling influence. Of course, in that call, Sapolsky said he was "just about done with independent wrestling."

Then again, what if WWE catches wind that he pretty much retorted to journalism by attempting to ruin said journalist? He's since deleted the tweets, but he tried doxxing Bentley by linking to his lawyer profile. Of course, it was a weak attempt at doxxing, since Bentley later tweeted a link to it himself anyway, but it's still a spiteful bullshit thing to do. The reason Sapolsky deleted the tweets, and every tweet he's made this year so far, is probably pursuant to the current lawsuit from FloSlam, but regardless, the action itself shows Sapolsky to be, as I have known for years, a craven megalomaniac in a field of craven megalomaniacs.

I don't know what any of this means for the future of independent wrestling or EVOLVE. For the former, it's probably not going to mean much. Promotions in North America, Europe, and Japan are still doing big business outside the corporate umbrellas of Titan Sports and Bushiroad. Anyone telling you that this spells the end of indie wrestling is vastly overrating EVOLVE's market share. As for EVOLVE, that promotion's future is definitely up in the air. Without funding from FloSlam, the golden parachute for wrestlers evaporates, unless Paul Levesque decides to give it the same treatment it's seemingly giving PROGRESS and Insane Championship Wrestling. If Sapolsky does leave, it would leave a vacuum at the top, since the whole idea of the promotion anyway was a brainchild he had with Bryan Danielson before the latter left for WWE. It could conceivably continue with a new booker, and hey, maybe that guy will actually put some thought into stories.

But for right now, it seems Sapolsky, FloSlam, Hamaoui, and the administration of the wrestling world at large seems like a giant cesspit. The truth is that it's always been like this, and I don't know if it'll ever change unless the workers seize the means of production. Wrestling is not an art that is best consumed through the lens of capital worship; it is by and large built on the backs of labor for labor to receive the applause. It may seem harrowing, but it's just a reminder for you to keep fighting a good fight, and to keep reminding yourselves that these promoters, especially the scuzzy ones like Sapolsky, deserve to be called out at every turn.

Of course the best match of Destruction featured Kenny Omega
Photo via SI Extra Mustard

If a fan of New Japan Pro Wrestling is being totally honest with you, they will admit that not every moment of the year is on par with the dizzying excitement of the G1 Climax, or the grandeur of WrestleKingdom. Though we might be annoyingly pushy about how much better NJPW is on a regular basis than WWE, even the best has its moments of irrelevance.

Such was the case for a large portion of the three shows that made up this year's Destruction. NJPW has made Destruction a two-night event in years past, but recently they've gone to three, and it's for the simple reason that they make more money if they do this. Sounds a lot like the tiresome business practices of a certain Trump-donating company, doesn't it? I guess no one is immune to raking in the dollars. So it was that Destruction came to Fukushima, Hiroshima and Kobe with some interesting upper-card matches, and not much else other than the promise of seeing a few stars.

***

The September 10th show in Fukushima was almost entirely forgettable. We saw the first of three three-way dances for the Heavyweight Tag Championship among War Machine, Guerillas of Destiny, and Killer Elite Squad (Lance Archer and Davey Boy Smith, Jr.). It was decent, but good lord, they did it again at the next two Destruction shows and now I resent all three teams just for existing.

The show was headlined by NEVER Openweight Champion Minoru Suzuki defending against Michael Elgin. This was a "Lumberjack Match" in the sense that both guys had groups of friends on the outside to just cause a bunch of chaos. Though both guys are great, the match itself was never able to gel properly due to awkward brawling on the outside, and then it ended in the worst way possible, with Takashi Iizuka lumbering down to the ring and hitting Elgin with that ridiculous metal glove, securing the win for Suzuki. It was dumb fun, but with the emphasis on "dumb."

***

What especially sucked about the Fukushima show was that only one out of nine matches was a one-on-one match. This ratio got marginally better for the September 16th show in Hiroshima, which saw TWO one-on-one matches. Hey now! KUSHIDA defended his Junior Heavyweight Championship against Suzuki-gun member El Desperado, in a match that was better than it had any right to be, except KUSHIDA just seems to make magic out of working with basically anyone. He can make you care even when you thought you couldn't possibly.

The headliner was Hiroshi Tanahashi defending his Intercontinental Championship against another Suzuki-gun member, Zack Sabre Jr. They went just over 30 minutes in a battle of psychological warfare, mostly driven by the maneuverings of Sabre. The early part of any Sabre match is almost always dominated by his style of choice, with lots of grappling and bending. Tanahashi, being one of the best wrestlers in the world, was more than ready to step up his game, so he engaged in the bendy stuff, while never giving in to Sabre's overt assholeish antics. The ending became a typically grand Tanahashi-driven affair, with lots of leg whips and High Fly Flows for everyone. If this was a test of Sabre's ability to main event an NJPW show, he earned high marks.

***

Again, the September 24th show in Kobe was dominated by multi-man tags. It was starting to feel like an underwhelming episode of Smackdown up in there. But it was saved by two singles matches, the first of which saw Beretta (known to all decent wrestling fans as Trent) in his first match since moving up to the Heavyweight division. He took on Yujiro Takahashi, permanent basement-dweller of the Bullet Club, so it wasn't necessarily a high profile situation, but both guys brought out their very best and made it feel as important as it could be. After nearly looking like he'd lose his first Heavyweight outing, Beretta came through with the Dudebuster and took down the Tokyo Pimp (I admit, I really was just looking for an excuse to say "Tokyo Pimp").

And in typical NJPW fahsion, they saved the best for last. Kenny Omega, just two weeks removed from surgery on a torn meniscus, put on a match hardly different from the 7-star level you'd expect. It's a little freakish. Juice Robinson made a show early of not going after the knee, but as he got desperate, he started attacking the knee, almost apologizing to the crowd as he did so. Omega sold like a pro, and gritted through the pain to deliver reverse ranas, V-trigger knees and a jaw-dropping top rope One-Winged Angel. Honestly, how does a guy put on such a brilliant match with a knee that barely works? The match itself might not have been 6 stars, but that left knee of Omega deserves all the snowflakes Meltzer can throw at it.

Jay anchors the team from Glory Pro
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

So, Brain Week took over The Wrestling Blog, but it didn't dominate the news cycle enough that the folks behind Scenic City Trios didn't announce team number six last week, and last night, they announced number seven. Trio six hails from Glory Pro Wrestling, Michael Elgin's upstart wrestling promotion taking the St. Louis area by storm. It features Gary Jay, Curt Stallion, and current Crown of Glory Champion "Hot Fire" Myron Reed. Jay is familiar to longtime readers of TWB because of his affiliation with the Submission Squad.

While Pierre Abernathy has mostly gone behind the scenes, Evan Gelistico has scaled back his participation in wrestling to focus more video gaming (which is fine!), and Davey Vega has mostly moved north to Chicago, Jay has carved out a new path for himself solo working not only St. Louis but the Southern indies, specifically Atlanta Wrestling Entertainment. He's always had a flair for being an annoying heel with hard striking, but he's honed his craft to focus on the latter. He's had several marquee matches with opponents like Kyle O'Reilly and Martin Stone, and he leads his inexperienced yet promising comrades into battle. Stallion comes with high marks from many people whose opinions I trust, and he's even conquered the Austin scene by capturing the Anarchy Championship Wrestling title already in his young career. Reed is another newish guy on the scene but he's already risen to prominence enough by besting the field and taking the Crown of Glory.

Trio number seven will represent Southern Underground Professional Wrestling. The members are Kevin Ku, AJ Gray, and Jaden Newman. This is another one of them teams that is mostly unfamiliar to me, as the width and breadth of my independent wrestling scope atrophies further with each passing day of home ownership and parenthood. However, if Dylan Hales, from whom you can purchase tickets to this event, vouches for them, I'm excited.

These teams join The Carnies and Tripp Cassidy, the Viking War Party, Southern Motors, the Gym Nasty Boys and Mallaki Matthews, and the Nightmare Mob. The final team will be announced next week. Joining these trios for the one night tournament taking place on November 18 will be Gunner Miller and Cyrus the Destroyer doing battle in one-on-one exhibition action.

Also, the Makin' Towns Classic has its second competitor. Last time I checked in, Delilah Doom was named as the first entrant via fiat. Joining her will be one-half of Team PAWG, the righteous bruiser known as Jordynne Grace. She defeated Allie Kat in a qualifying match this past Friday night at NOVA Pro Wrestling's NOVA Project Three event. The Makin' Towns Classic will take place in Nashville in May 2018.

Don't catcall women who wrestle like Millie McKenzie, okay pigs?
Photo via Gerweck.net

Even though capitalists and conservatives run and populate the wrestling business, as an artform, it lends itself to leftist ideals. This series hopes to show wrestling fans why they should embrace the left, not just for the sport/art, but also for themselves.

Fight Club Pro in Wolverhampton, England on Saturday featured one of its younger wrestlers, Millie McKenzie in a big multiperson scramble match that also featured legitimate wrestling legend CIMA. I'd like to say it was notable because she was in the ring with him and David Starr and Mark Haskins and some other top talent. She's only 17 years old, and already she's growing and becoming one of the top wrestlers in her company and, her King of Trios appearance showing, others as well. But apparently, someone in the crowd saw her and decided it was a good opportunity to shout "GET YOUR TITS OUT."

For every good thing fans, wrestlers, and sometimes promotions do, some backwards piece of shit decides he (it's almost always a "he") is going to take wrestling "back" for cave dwellers and misogynists. Yelling for a minor to loose her bosom in public is intolerably bad, but doubling down and defending this shit in public, whether in print, bandwidth, or social media, creates a firestorm that can make wrestling unwelcome to the kinds of people that these cretins and bigots are marginalizing. It's one thing if the people making noise are low-follower eggs on Twitter who may or may not have burner handles, but it's another thing in particular when the people arguing for regression and objectification are Billi Bhatti, a piece of shit "journalist" whose main hobbies on Twitter are attempting to bait Dave Meltzer, getting into arguments with Jimmy Havoc, writing open letters to Brian "Road Dogg" James, and trying to big-time local wrestling journalists for opinions he doesn't think are good.

Bhatti went on a Twitter spree not only defending the misogynist heckler, but he doubled down, making claims that "real" fans would rather see a return to the days of Sunny and Sable as sex symbols than Bayley and Sasha Banks as high-profile wrestlers, that Paige's sex tape was a better feature of her than her wrestling, and that wrestling companies should cater to him because he pays money, as if people like, I don't know, me also pay money to see the best women's wrestlers and wrestling on any level. I'd link to these tweets, but Bhatti, after melting down and losing his job writing for Sports Keeda, got permanently suspended from Twitter as he should. It's refreshing to see Twitter dispatching bigots rather than people attacking bigots for a change, but I digress.

Exhorting the values of shouting down misogynists among fans and even wrestlers has been the rule of the day for awhile, and it's worked somewhat. Groups like the PW Grrrl Gang have provided safe spaces for women at shows, and fans in general are getting better at accommodating fans of all marginalized demographics. But it's getting to the point where the fans and even the workers have reached their limit of what they can do. It's now up to the promoters, which is where the dynamic of leftist thought comes in, both socially (acceptance of women as equal to men) and economically (not just blindly taking money from people regardless of whether they're going to behave or not). The social angle is a layup. Promotions should not tolerate abuse of women (or LGBTQ, disabled, racial minorities, ethnic minorities, or religious minorities) from anyone in the crowd because those people are people, just like the able-boded, cishet, White male fans. Not only should these people evade harassment, but promotions should also stop booking angles that remind them of the oppression they feel in everyday society.

However, they should go a step further and realize that not all money is good money. For too long in wrestling, promoters and even wrestlers get the idea in their heads that money is the only metric that matters. Even ignoring the fact that sexist chanting keeps away dollars from female fans and their allies, dollars that are just as good as ones from Bhatti and other misogynist scum, it fosters an unsafe environment for everyone there. Promotions need to start not only throwing these asswipes out of the building, but keeping tabs on them, at least as well as one can without breaking any pursuant privacy laws. For example, Bhatti is prominent inasmuch as he's been on reality television and has a podcast with a bunch of Twitter followers (even if like half of them are bots and sock puppets). You can easily ban him from your premises.

You could try to ban fans who have been kicked out prior from entering as well. Doing rudimentary research on bigots online who don't hide their identities is another good policy. Either way, promotions need to do some work to weed out the bad seeds and make sure crowds are welcoming for everyone. This practice, admittedly, will be impossible to implement fully because the assholes will still filter in regardless. But acting and making sure you outwardly show care to your fans and wrestlers to have a safe environment goes a long way.

Millie McKenzie should not be making headlines because she got catcalled in the most rudimentary and crude fashion possible. She should be making headlines for what she does in the ring or on the microphone. That's what leftists want for every facet of society. It's not going to stop until the people running these promotions realize that not all money is worth the static.

Godspeed, you good boy you
Photo Credit: Tiffany Petherbridge

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Buddy (Last Week: Not Ranked, But Secretly Number One in My Heart Since 2008) - Yesterday, my wife and I had to put our beloved dog Buddy down. His health had been declining for a few months now, and he had an episode from which the vets said he wouldn't recover. He crossed The Rainbow Bridge at around 5 PM, Eastern Time, at the age of, we think, 13 or 14. We had adopted him right after we got married, within a couple of days of moving into our house in 2008. He was already three or four years old then. I would like to think we gave him a good life for the years he lived with us. He always seemed happy and frisky when my wife or I would pet him, and especially when we or our two children gave him food. He always looked like he had a smile on his face, and he followed my wife around the house constantly.

Becoming a pet owner is an act of emotional bravery. You are bringing an animal into your house not just for cosmetic reasons or because they're cool, but because you aim to make them part of your family. Whether small and cold-blooded or larger, warm-blooded, and seemingly feelings-aware like a cat or dog, you get an attachment to a living creature whom you will almost certainly bury. Unless you are old or infirmed, it is guaranteed that under normal circumstances, you're outliving this animal you are making part of your family. It is guaranteed that you will feel the emotional sting when that member of your family passes. Does the love that animal provide you outweigh the sting that will pierce your soul when they inevitably die?

The answer is yes, absolutely, unequivocally yes. Buddy spent nearly ten years in our home, and I wouldn't trade a single second of it, not even the bad moments, the times he shit on the rug or broke out of the house, the times he bit me in the face (I totally earned them, to be fair) or ate chocolate or paint. The warmth and love that a pet can give to you is exceeded only by that provided by another human being, like your children, especially your children. In fact, these animals become your children. Buddy was the first son I ever had, and I loved him accordingly. I'd like to think he loved me like I was his father. I'd be shocked if he didn't love my wife like she was his actual mother. To the world, he was half-Norwegian elkhound, half-Welsh corgi. To me, he was a part of my heart. Rest well, Buddy. I will always love you. I will always remember you.

2. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - Who cares if he didn't conquer Brock Lesnar? He still gave him the toughest fight of any non-part-time "legend" AND ate both Dean Ambrose and Enzo Amore the next night on RAW. You can't argue with results like that.

3. Factory Donuts (Last Week: Not RankedOFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Northeast Philly has yet another must-visit eatery to go with Blue Duck, Las Margaritas, and Sweet Lucy's Barbecue. Factory Donuts makes its namesake item to order with great toppings and glazes. When I bit into my glazed donut, I was hooked. And the bacon on the other one is real bacon, not nasty bits. The maple glaze on that one was subtle and sweet, not too overpowering with sugar or maple flavor. I can't wait to see how the coffee stacks up. IF it's good, I'll have a new morning go-to spot when I go visit my parents.

4. Celeste Bonin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The former Kaitlyn was spotted back training for an in-ring return. She's already attained godhood as a thirst trap with her gratuitous selfies. She was improving steadily before leaving WWE, and no matter where she goes, I'll be watching.

5. Nia Jax (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only has she been cementing her rep as the biggest bruiser in the WWE women's division since, well, ever, she took some big bumps at No Mercy that would've made Mick Foley proud. Jax started out her career rough, but man, she could end up being a huge thing in short order if she's given a stage to do so.

6. Jake Elliott (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Honestly, the grump in me says the Eagles never should've spotted the Giants 24 points in the fourth quarter after pretty much dominating the first three. The unabashed homer in me, however, IS STILL GOING NUTS OVER ELLIOTT'S TEAM RECORD 61 YARD FIELD GOAL TO GET THE BIG WIN IN THE HOME OPENER YEAH WHOOOOOO FLY EAGLES FLY BAYBAY LET'S DO IT MOTHERFUCKERS.

7. Cesaro (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I get cranky and ornery when I scratch a mosquito bite. Cesaro kept wrestling in the best match on No Mercy long after he had his FUCKING TEETH JAMMED FOUR INCHES INTO HIS GUMS on a spot where he went into the turnbuckle off a lariat. He's not a mortal. Goddammit, he's gotta be Asgardian.

8. Asuka (Last Week: Not Ranked) - It doesn't matter if you now know the date of Asuka's arrival to the RAW brand. YOU ARE NOT READY FOR ASUKA.

9. Anthony Stallard (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I don't care how much out of The Onion his antics sound, but going around graveyards and impersonating a ghost is the most comedically brilliant thing anyone has done in years.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Whether by land or sea, Oney Lorcan is always here for porkin'.

Lesnar as Champion at the end of No Mercy showed no booking bravery
Photo Credit: WWE.com

It's Wednesday. You're tired from the grind but you still need to power through to get to the weekend. I know the feeling. It's been a rough week over here. But fear not, you can help pass the time or even gain ENERGY from these monstrously intelligent takes in the articles below. Come read the best in wrestling writing from the last week. It'll cure what ails ya.

Brain Week concluded Friday. Please click the tag and take your pick of the best tribute to Bobby Heenan this side of the 1980s. [The Wrestling Blog]

New Japan Pro Wrestling had three "Destruction" titled shows, and Elliot has the review for all of them here. [The Wrestling Blog]

Carrie Dunn has had enough of sexism in wrestling, and sparked by the Billi Bhatti and other raging misogynists, she has written about how it needs to stop. [The Only Way Is Suplex]

Kyle Kensing has his own tribute to Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, who was Coach K before Coach K even thought about being Coach K. [The Open Man]

WWE punted on its two main matches at No Mercy, but Ian Williams argues that it only would've taken a little bit of courage to make the show one of the best ever. [Waypoint on VICE]

Ashly Nagrant looks at No Mercy's Women's Championship match, ponders why WWE made the wrong choice in the match, and examines reasons why it went the way it did. [Deadshirt]

Meanwhile, Matthew Martin wants to know why the heck Vince McMahon hates big burly beefy boys. [Cageside Seats]

Tom Breen takes a critical look at Rikidozan through the lens of a classic match with Freddie Blassie in Los Angeles. [The Spectacle of Excess]

Football and wrestling collide as Vaughn Johnson has the scoop on former Eagles defensive back Walter Thurmond transitioning into a pro wrestling career. [Philly Dot Com]

NON-WRESTLING #1: Alexander Goot examines the controversy stemming from Jemele Hill rightfully calling Donald Trump a White supremacist and argues she's always been the one to lead the charge from the media. [From the Sidelines]

NON-WRESTLING #2: Patrick Redford reminds you that while Pat Tillman gave up a NFL career to become an Army Ranger, he was also an anti-war, Noam Chomsky-loving, George W. Bush-hating leftist. Keep his name out of your mouth when trying to justify squashing protests of police brutality during the National Anthem, thanks. [Deadspin]

When Bobby Heenan Turned Mr. Perfect Face in One Night

Your Midweek Links: Missin' You, Brain

Heenan and Bockwinkel: Wrestling's Greatest Tag Team

Heenan and Hogan, Rivals for Eternity

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 4

I Double Dare You

Gorilla and The Brain: Your Two Favorite Uncles

From the Archives: The Gimmick Battle Royale

Twitter Request Line, Vol. Cruiserweight

Bobby Heenan's Hall of Fame Speech

Learning to Live with Smackdown

NXT In 60 Seconds

The Brain Was the Greatest Ever

Staying a Course: No Mercy Reaction

The Continuing Saga of FloSlam and EVOLVE

NJPW: Three Nights of Destruction

The Scenic City Trios Field Is Almost Full

Leftism and Wrestling: End Sexism In Wrestling, Part ∞

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for September 26, 2017

Your Midweek Links: No Mercy Fallout and More