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Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 5

September 27, 2017, 12:00 pm
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A lot of news about the GABE MAN this week
So, you want NEWS and GOSSIP and LIFE LESSONS about pro wrestling. THAT'S WHY YOU COME HERE. Well, luckily for you, I, HORBTAVIUS MONTGOMERIAN FLERBMINBER, ESQ. am here to distribute all the news your PUNY BRAINS can handle. You know who can't deliver the news with the efficiency, potency, AND mass-productivity. What about my accuracy?

Anyway, if you want the news ON DEMAND, then you should definitely follow me on Twitter Dot Com. Type in Twitter then the dot then com on your web browser and then look for me @HorbFlerbminber. Caution, if you can't stand the HEAT, don't follow the HORB. Can you handle my TAKES? CAN YOU? Well, I don't give a fuck, follow me anyway. Also, I have back issues of the newsletter available. WHAT'S MORE EXCITING THAN READING OLD NEWS? It's so enthralling, you'll want to record 16 hour podcasts about them! You can sample from such issues as:
  • January 1, 1900 - All your VCRs will default to this date in the future. Instructions are included for how to combat this error.
  • July 1, 1914 - Everything you need to know about Gavrilo Princip's botched angle that resulted in the death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Was Jess McMahon's attempt at building to WrestleMania Negative LXX's main event between Stanislaus Zbyszko and Georg Hackenschmidt shortsighted from the beginning?
  • December 17, 1997 - I go backstage on Monday Nitro for a DEEP dive on the roster, which was mostly an excuse to see if Lanny Poffo could really suck his own dick.
  • December 24, 1997 - No, Lanny Poffo couldn't really suck his own dick. One of these days, I will hit the jackpot on this.
  • August 6, 2003 - I set the record for most whitespace in the history of wrestling newsletters.
Now, how can you order these back issues? Great question!

Now, it's time for the news.

- FloSlam filed suit against WWN Live, claiming WWN Live officials misrepresented the number of people who bought their Internet pay-per-views regularly. Gabe Sapolsky was said to have claimed "more people than attended WrestleMania III" as the average amount of paying customers, citing how many people claimed to have seen Matt Riddle bodyslamming Larry Dallas at La Boom Nightclub. Sapolsky produced records claiming that the venue could seat 200,000 people, and well, even I know that's wrong.

- FloSlam pulled EVOLVE 92 and 93 off its streaming schedule in response to the suit. All WWN Live programming has been pulled for the indefinite future, leaving the service with only rodeo, competitive tiddly-winks, and House of Hardcore.

- Defiant in the face of the loss of content, FloSlam has raised the price of the service to $69 per month, rebranding as The Nicest Streaming Service Around™.

- I asked Ring of Honor/Sinclair Broadcast Group representative Shadowy Figure in a Trenchcoat if they planned on launching a streaming service to capitalize on the market vacuum, and he just laughed for five minutes and blew vape in my face before skulking off into the aether.

- Adding onto the bad news for Sapolsky, a random WWN Live employee leaked an e-mail from the beleaguered booker to talent. The e-mail from Sapolsky gave EVOLVE talent the orders to bury the bodies of any wrestlers killed by shoddy working conditions in shallow, unmarked graves and to frame the murders on a "certain" writer for another site. Sapolsky also let talent know where to find gloves with that writer's fingerprints on them for handling.

- When Sapolsky found out about the leak, he threatened to have one WWN Live employee fed to The Rancor every hour on the hour until the person responsible came forward.

- I tried getting comment from Sapolsky about all this, but he told me "Only the high rollers get to talk to the Gabe man, baby. Cold hard cash or gift certificates to the Sizzler only. Otherwise, the best access you get is Ol' Double L [referring to Lenny "Lenny Leonard" Leonard], but that's only if I like you. David Bixenspan only gets to talk to Larry 'the D Man' Dallas, daddy."

- Sapolsky was found yelling "YOU HAVE BETRAYED EVOLVE WRESTLING!" into a Wendy's drive-thru microphone at 4 AM Monday morning. It didn't even open until 61.

- After the staff of the Everything EVOLVES podcast refused to divulge information on who leaked the information, Sapolsky took to Twitter to post ten hours of looped footage of the podcast's cohosts going to the bathroom, captioned only "How's the feed now, bitch?"

- When Paul "Triple H" Levesque was asked about what he thought of Sapolsky's actions over the last few days, he replied, "Who?"

- Levesque was then asked about why he takes so many pictures with NXT talent. He responded, "Look-uh, if I take enough-uh pictures-uh with these vanilla midgets, maybe you smark-ass motherfuckers will stop saying I did-uh racism to Booker T at WrestleMani-uh XIX."

- Braun Strowman was originally scheduled to defeat Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship at No Mercy because Vince McMahon hadn't taken his monthly bowel movement yet. He was extra irritable and blamed Lesnar for inventing diverticulitis. However, he pooped hours before the show began and went back to his original decision.

- IS JOHN CENA RETIRING? I asked Anonymous Backstage Tipster CJ Perry, and she said "Who cares? It's all about him. He's so self-centered. Just because you were arguably the biggest star in the company for more than a decade doesn't give you the right to take a curtain call like that. What about me? I was in Pitch Perfect! I WAS IN PITCH MOTHERFUCKING PERFECT!"

- Cena did say that he would retire when he loses a step instead of becoming one of, ahem, those guys on the Edge and Christian Show, who then threw to their live wrestling correspondent Lance Storm covering Terry Funk's latest unretirement.

- Cesaro's injury at No Mercy was planned as he wanted to show that he was willing to grab the brass ring by mutilating himself. However, company officials are said to have heat with him because he ruined his beautiful, beautiful face.

- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: It seemed that his heat backstage was gone when he won the Cruiserweight Championship at No Mercy and was allowed to close the show. The end segment with the whole division and then Braun Strowman was planned by writers regardless of opinion. However, the part where New Jack came out and stabbed him 50 times with a jagged piece of scrap metal was punishment, as Amore allegedly told Stephanie McMahon, "Yo, if you was a stripper, I'd tip you $11 in ones, that's how fine you are, how you doin."

- Asuka will make her main roster debut at TLC, where she will replace Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes.

- Jeff Hardy tore his rotator cuff and will require surgery to repair it. He will be out for several months. Sources say he got the injury while furiously making a wanking motion at Ed Nordholm in the latest attempt to win back the trademarks for the Broken Universe.

- Mayu Iwatani dislocated her elbow and had to lose the World of STARDOM Championship to Toni Storm, who traded in said belt for a tiny version to wear around her wrist to go with her tiny hat.

- The Bullet Club invaded RAW Monday night in Ontario, CA. Apparently, Cody Rhodes was mad that WWE dared put on a pay-per-view where both Cesaro AND Braun Strowman bled the night before. "Everyone knows my father invented bleeding. EVERYONE. I'm gonna make Vince McMahon kiss the rings."

- Rhodes officially signed with Ring of Honor, meaning the number of promotions you won't care to see him on domestically has been narrowed down to one.

- CMLL cancelled its weekend shows due to the earthquake from last week, giving everyone planning on no-showing with no notice a huge sigh of relief.

- John Cena will film a movie with Kumail Nanijiani this winter called Actually, I'm The Real Racist: The Jinder Mahal Story.

- Revolution Pro Wrestling has announced it will be presenting Keith Lee taking on Tomohiro Ishii. I for one cannot wait for Lee to test himself against TRUE STRONG STYLE. This will be his first ever real match. Every other match he's wrestled has been a piece of shit leading to this. I'm sorry if this offends.

- Meanwhile, New Japan Pro Wrestling unveiled the card for King of Pro Wrestling, and, well, yeah, I count at least five matches that will get six stars or more. If you disagree, you're co-opted and gotten to by Vince McMahon's goons.

- I received reports from RAW backstage Monday that Mickie James' promo on Alexa Bliss was a shoot, but then those reports were corrected to say that it was just a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes.

- Ric Flair has claimed to have bedded 10,000 women in his life. He later added "I'm pretty sure one of them is Charlotte's mom, WOO!"

- Country music star Darius Rucker visited Flair to discuss plans for their pop-rock supergroup, WOO-tie and the Blowfish.

- Floyd Mayweather has artwork of him and Conor McGregor in his house. "They're tasteful nudes," he said. "No penetration. It's not pornographic in nature at all."

- ROH announced that the tournament it is running on Chris Jericho's cruise will be for a shot at the World Championship, which has all the main event wrestlers shook fearing they'll actually have to go on that thing.

- Ted Arcidi was mentioned on this week's episode of Young Sheldon, or was that just gas? I don't know.

- Mike and Maria Kanellis are expecting their first child. Maria said "You're damn right I only removed my IUD after we signed that sweet WWE contract." The funny thing is, I asked her for any info she had on CM Punk and whether or not he did Benghazi.

- Celeste Bonin, formerly known as Kaitlyn, is training for a return to the ring, presumably to feud with Emma and Natalya Neidhart over who takes the best Instagram pictures.

- Bill Goldberg on why he's open to returning to WWE in the future: "I'm still not done unloading the Brinks truck of gold bars from the LAST time I wrestled for them."

Last week's poll results are in, and congratulations, you're having three girls and a boy. Quadruplets, how blessed. This week's poll:


1 - Ed. Note - This week's Horb Report is dedicated to the memory of TomBroDude, the funniest dude in Twitter history. — TH
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NXT In 60 Seconds

September 28, 2017, 6:00 am
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"So I says to Mabel, I says..."
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Master Regal: At Takeover: Houston, there will be a fatal four-way to fill the vacant NXT Women's World Championship. One spot has been filled already, and by the winner of the inaugural Mae Young Classic, Kairi Sane. Starting in a fortnight, matches will occur to fill the other three spots. Best of luck to all of the young women involved.

SAnitY: wander in from various points in the crowd and take the ring
Full Sailors: chant for them
Eric Young: These guys want to come in and make their mark? We wrote the book on it. In this Universe, all that matters is the chaos, and the only thing for sure is change. In tonight's main event, Adam Cole...
Everybody Not In SAnitY Or Announcing The Program: BAY BAY
E.Y.: ...gets taken to the edge of SAnitY.
Full Sailors: chant for them again

Oney Lorcan: (backstage) I don't like Lars Sullivan. Screw what he did to Jose — let's see what he can do to me.
Lars: Glad you asked! trucks him, throws him out of the ring
Oney: lands some blows to send him to the floorMaybe if I try a little bit of this over the top rope tope
Lars: Nope! catches him and throws him into the apron, press throws him into the ring and avalanches
Oney: a r g h no no no, dammit Euros, big open handed chops to the face
Lars: BRING IT ON!
Oney: does it three more times
Lars: Now you're dead. LARIATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, side spinebuster
Referee: Winner!
Danny Burch: My mate isn't. Come on, let's go get a pint.

Ruby Riot: Team Australia want a rematch with Nikki and I? She's the farthest thing from a friend...hell, I don't know why she showed up then and I haven't seen her since. But if Gretchen and Karen want to get hit by this bus, they can. If Nikki shows up again I didn't have anything to do with it, and if she doesn't want to join the exploratory committee of These Hands 2020, she'll stay out of my way, too.

Heavy Machinery: enter
Full Sailors: Shakes and weights! Shakes and weights!
Victims: don't get chyrons, are clearly doomed, get suplexed a few times and Compacted
Referee: Winners!

Master Regal: It's great our third sojourn to Brooklyn was such a success, but with Houston on the horizon, Jonathan, a moment?
Jonathan Grapples: sup boss
Master Regal: You came to me a bit ago about getting a Brooklyn rematch with Mr. Almas; I just wanted to let you know it'll be yours imminently.
Johnny Gargano: Nice. wanders off
Master Regal: The thing about Houston is, I want it to be even bigger and better than Brooklyn...

Roderick Strong: I looked in Drew's eyes. He was rattled. My whole life culminates next week, and I will not stop until I hear the words "And NEWWWWWWWWWWWW NXT Champion Roderick Strong".

Liv Morgan: comes back from the side of a milk carton I'm going to be the next NXT Women's World Champion!

Vanessa Borne: comes back from her first round MYC loss I'm going to be the next NXT Women's World Champion!
Asuka: [whatever Bitches, please is in Japanese]
Vanessa: wrestles like it's 2006
Liv: comes back to win I got this! I'm going to win the belt!
Asuka: waves hands dismissively

Aleister Black: You don't reward a child throwing a tantrum to get what it wants, so PATRICK is done gaining my attention.

Fabian Aichner: makes his NXT debut
Kassius Ohno: works the CRAVATE~!, boots him a couple times
Fabian: Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Springboard Steamboat press suicida! Double jump moonsault!
KO1 and 3.0: Actually, double jump moonsault, and I got it from here. Knees con cravate! Cravateplex! Cyclone Kick!
Referee: Winner!

Drew McIntyre: Anyone who wants a shot can get one. Roddy asked, received, and proved he was worthy of it by beating the man I did for this. It's why I congratulated him afterward. But he's the right man in the wrong time. It may be my first defense next week, but it won't be my last.

the Undisputed Era: come out
Several Female Full Sailors: scream their approval, bay bay
Some Guy: How did this place ever exist without us? Focus, sheeple. Take this moment in and feel it: what you feel is change, a shock to the system. The three of us? Call us untouchable. Call us unstoppable. Call us undisputed, as this is our era.
Eric Young: smiles at him
Adam Cole: Fight me.
E.Y.: smiles
A.C.: Come on, fight me! charges
E.Y.: double leg and punches away
A.C.: forearms him over the ref and cackles ADAM COLE BAY
E.Y.: lays him out and screams in his face
ReDragon: get his attention
SAnitY: hold their attention
Adam: lays out Eric from behind, gamengiri, two chinlocks in a five minute match
Eric: comes back
ReDragon: gets on the apron this time
SAnitY: fight them off Pier 4 style
Eric: opts to dive into the fray instead of the Savage elbow, rolls back in
Adam: Shining Wizard!
Referee: Winner!
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WWE Lawyers Up over a Hand Signal

September 28, 2017, 8:00 am
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The Bucks got slapped with a cease and desist for throwing up the Hook 'Em Horns?
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
The Bullet Club has always tread a fine line of gimmick infringement. The rogue group that originated in New Japan Pro Wrestling but that has sort of grown and expanded into any promotion which its members work is nakedly a tribute to both The Kliq and the New World Order, the late '90s bad boys of wrestling who made heeldom cool and subverted the entire order of how mainstream companies book heels and faces, perhaps irreparably. The group has gotten away with its homages, mainly because it has the blessing of legendary Kliq/nWo member Scott Hall, and because WWE hasn't really had to fear an attack from a nascent group since it signs anyone and everyone of note that it can before they can get enough momentum to challenge.

Things changed when Cody Rhodes, the Young Bucks, Marty Scurll, Brandi Rhodes, and Adam Page "invaded" RAW in Ontario, CA this past Monday. It was a stunt that was reminiscent of Degeneration X "invading" Monday Nitro, an act of real-life shitposting that WWE likes to trump up as a big "victory" along the way of winning the Monday Night Wars. Much in the same, this little thing they all did was more or less material for their YouTube show, Being The Elite. While one wouldn't expect a company run by a septuagenarian who was last in touch with pop culture 40 years ago whose average viewing age for the flagship program is north of 30, it could be reasonable for WWE to do what its been doing with respect to the Bullet Club's antics outside the company — ignoring them.

However, never underestimate the depths of pettiness that Vince McMahon, Paul Levesque, and their legal team will stoop to, as WWE slapped the Young Bucks with a cease and desist letter over use of the "Too Sweet" hand gesture. That's right, WWE claims to own a copyright on a hand gesture that is frighteningly similar to the University of Texas'"Hook 'Em Horns" hand sign and the devil horns that every metalhead throws up at their concert of choice. This action sparked a Twitter meltdown of sorts from certain Club members, but honestly, I don't blame them at all. WWE is the largest wrestling company in the world, one that sops up wrestlers at an alarming rate and tries to choke the scene through contracts, trademarks, and other legal bindings. It's big enough to skate by without worrying about agitation, not from New Japan Pro Wrestling, but from its independent contractors. Independent contractors, hm, now that's a phrase WWE knows but doesn't really know. But I digress.

The worst part about it is how the company has tried to co-opt the Club in its own narrative while circumventing all the trademarks set up by the NJPW and the members of the group itself. It signed Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson, Prince Devitt, and AJ Styles. It tried branding Styles, Gallows, and Anderson as The Club in WWE, with a big wink wink, nudge nudge to history it didn't build. It gave Devitt/Finn Bálor the branding of "Bálor Club." It's okay when the whale does it to the barracuda because of the sheer size difference, but when the barracuda bites back, I'm supposed to feel sorry for the whale? Fuck. That.

Anyone defending WWE's right to pursue legal action (and sadly, it does have the right, I don't need to be lectured on that like I was born yesterday and have naivete as pure as a newborn babe's) should step back and see the big picture. These actions are monopolistic in nature, and in the face of WWE's revised history, hilarious given how the poor widdle World Wrestling Federation was the severe underdog to bloated, corporate World Championship Wrestling, ironic and infuriating at the same time. In a perfect world, the entire office, especially Levesque, would appreciate what the Bullet Club did, and realize that maybe WWE has tread down the same road it lampoons WCW for. But instead, it'll continue to laud DX's "brave" acts at the Norfolk Scope that hazy 1998 night as something substantial in the war against WCW as if the company's collective head was lodged up its shitty asshole like the world's worst Ouroboros.
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Bryan Danielson Is Going to Wrestle Again, And I'm Slowly Becoming Okay With It

September 28, 2017, 10:00 am
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Danielson back in the ring isn't certain doom anymore
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Daniel Bryan retired on February 8, 2016. I gather that character will never, ever wrestle again. WWE will never clear the man behind him, and he'll spend every day left under a WWE contract either commentating matches, allowing Total Bellas camera crews to film him around his house, and most noticeably, as a non-wrestling authority figure on Smackdown. His WWE career apexed at WrestleMania XXX, and for all intents and purposes, it remains almost a platonic ideal on an artistic level. He got to the mountain and was able to stay there and retire. Sure, it was under dubious conditions, but he didn't have too much real estate to clutter after his big moment in New Orleans.

Bryan Danielson, however, is not retired from wrestling, not by a longshot. He's been more than teasing his return to the squared circle once his WWE contract is complete in September of 2018. He's toyed with members of the Bullet Club online and openly welcomed a return to Ring of Honor on Twitter. Given the circumstances of WWE refusing to clear him, I get why this anticipation is more dread than looking forward. Concussions are scary business, and even if WWE won't clear him for the most altruistic reasons, it is the most stringent promotion when it comes to that sort of thing. Danielson receiving clearance to wrestle in any other company may not be as confidence-granting, especially given that again, nearly every other company in the world has less stringent guidelines for perceived in-ring safety.

A fine line between general fear for one's safety and concern trolling exists, and few know where it lays so they don't know if they're crossing. On one hand, Danielson stepping back into an environment where the head-bumps are more plentiful, where the risks are larger, where the corporate oversight is either laxer or nonexistent is a scary thought. Wrestling fans have seen many legends either die in their homes of consequences of risky in-ring work like [REDACTED] or even die in the ring, like Mitsuharu Misawa and Perro Aguayo, Jr. No one wants to see Danielson suffering a similar fate. He's perhaps the most beloved figure in wrestling right now, adored by both WWE and independent audiences alike.

On the other hand, I'm not sure anyone has all the info, not even Danielson, but he'll definitely have the best information possible. It is his health, after all. Again, doctors don't practice without bias; objectivity, true objectivity is a myth. WWE doctors, who could be quacks given some of the company's other practices, are only looking out for what Vince McMahon tells them to look out for, which is his bottom line. WWE has a concussion suit ongoing, and the company could play it too safely when it comes to the highest-profile head-trauma retiree, especially if the data those doctors got was wrong. Danielson's doctors, however, may also be hand-picked to give him the best news. So what do fans know? Probably nothing, which is what makes moralizing about any potential return to the ring pointless. It's not saying that people shouldn't be concerned about it, because the possibility of Danielson getting bad information and, well, dying in the ring is real.

So, if no one knows anything, then the creeping desire to see the best wrestler in the world, perhaps in wrestling history, get back in the ring becomes more and more valid than it was on February 9, 2016. Maybe "morbid curiosity" isn't the best reason for a wrestler to get back in the ring despite apparent risk. I may be — scratch that, I definitely am a bad person because my selfish desire to see the best wrestling possible is slowly converting me into a rabid anticipator of the American Dragon's return to a wrestling ring.

But if Danielson wants to get back into a ring and has the medical clearance to back him up, maybe it's time to put a little faith in that decision. I understand not getting behind it full bore, but he's not exactly a dumb performer. He's schooled in many styles, and he has clout enough that he could probably pick and choose what bumps he wants to take, let alone opponents to wrestle. No form of wrestling is ever going to be 100 percent safe, but for the best technical wrestler of all-time, one can afford to surrender a modicum of trust, right?

So that's why I no longer treat the return of Bryan Danielson to the indie scene or another corporately owned wrestling entity like New Japan Pro Wrestling or Ring of honor as an inevitability towards certain doom. I will always have an apprehension, but at the end of the day, who gives a fuck what I want? It's his career, and he seems to be making a choice based on data and knowledge of his own body. When it's all over, autonomy is the only thing a person really ever wants to have anyway.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 206

September 28, 2017, 12:00 pm
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Friendship. Friendship? Again?
Photo Via Hardcore Gaming 101
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

You're an adult, right? You need friends? Well, have you tried Adult Friend Fin... der... oh no, I've made a terrible mistake. In all seriousness, you should probably follow @brandonrohwer and @ChrisDGibbons if you want two friends. Will you be giving them any new information regarding the TweetBag? Probably not. But you will feel the warmth of humor and friendship, I guarantee it!

Enzo Amore as Cruiserweight Champion is an evil I spoke into existence over a year ago. That time was simpler, before everyone knew how little as a worker he'd grow in a year, and how much of a dickhead he was out of character. I know that sort of thing shouldn't count for as much as it does, but hoo boy, if you're going to be an asswipe, you'd better be a good one. Anyway, I don't think it's an experiment I'd run for too long, but it should continue with him blatantly cheating to win matches until he meets up with his final challenger, a guy who has experience with all the modes of cheating, one who has integrity and an eagle-eyed attention to detail, one who wants to make 205 Live a better place. I know heel vs. heel rarely works, but Drew Gulak unseating Amore as Cruiserweight Champion to head into a WrestleMania (pre-show) program against Gran Metalik, the arch-high flyer would be my direction, but who am I anyway.

Obviously, my first mate and navigator would be Kairi Sane and "Smooth Sailing" Ashley Remington. Who cares if their expertise is more nautical? Sailing a boat is just like flying a spaceship. Kinda. Anyway, second mate would be Paul London, because I believe he's been to space before. Reporting as bosun would be Otis Dozovic, because he seems like he'd be a good bosun, whatever that is. To fill out, my ensigns would be every member of every iteration of The Colony that has ever existed (Fire Ant, Soldier Ant, Silver Ant, both Worker Ants, Carpenter Ant, Bullet Ant, Orbit Adventure Ant, Missile Assault Ant, deviANT, combatANT, Pharaoh Ant) because my whole life has led up to me making this most elaborate wrestling-related Simpsons reference ever.

Bryan Danielson comes to mind because we share similar politics and are both wrestle-dads. Now, I'm about as far away from veganism in my diet as possible, but I also think that I could accommodate his dietary needs as I eat a lot of plant-based foods. He also seems like the least carny of the bunch, so I wouldn't have to worry about prescription medicines or jewelry going missing.

I really can't or don't want to make excuses for the ending of No Mercy, because I hated it for reasons I laid out here. Playing Devil's Advocate for a second, WWE already has laser focus on WrestleMania XXXIV's main event. In order to get there, both Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar need to be presented as larger than life, hence they took everything from their opponents regardless of how epic they were, and put them down with single finishers of their own. I mean, it's the most boilerplate, hollowest way of building towards a singular match, and it leaves scorched earth in the interim, but it's a way to get to the end, I guess.

As a kid:
  1. Cocoa Puffs
  2. Cookie Crisp
  3. Cocoa Pebbles
  4. Peanut Butter Crunch
  5. Frosted Flakes
As you can see, I enjoyed a good bit of sugar back in the day. Cocoa Puffs were the king, mainly because we weren't allowed to have marshmallow cereals until at least I and my older younger brother were in high school. But yeah, you don't get to 330 pounds without starting the day off with enough sugar to take down a bull elephant.
Right now:
  1. Raisin Bran Crunch
  2. [null]
I really don't eat much cereal anymore. The only one I really go out of my way for is Raisin Bran Crunch, but my breakfast is either HOT HOT HOT, or it's my boring daily routine of a FiberOne fiber bar, a Greek yogurt, and two string cheeses.
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Every Good Tyrant Has a Stooge

September 29, 2017, 7:00 am
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All Dallas is missing is his little stoolie hat
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
So, it would appear the great EVOLVE E-Mail Leak scandal of 2017 has come to a close. Gabe Sapolsky found out the identity of the person who leaked his oh-so-precious e-mail to the WWN Live roster that had such classified details as, uh, "tighten up your lock-ups" and "don't curse." I can see how that information getting out would ROCK EVOLVE TO ITS VERY FOUNDATION. Anyway, Sapolsky found out the identity of the leaker, Chip Day, who will now presumably never get to sip the sweet nectar of working a WWN Live show in front of more foliage than human lives. Of course, Sapolsky never would have found out the identity without a willing mole. Even though Aarons Bentley and Taube are decidedly not journalists, they have journalistic integrity and wouldn't out their source. The same goes for the inimitable David Bixenspan, who actually is a journalist, perhaps the best one wrestling has. No, tyrants don't squeeze information from the media unless that media's been co-opted, and co-opted media doesn't get the kind of info from sources that the real journos like Bixenspan or the Everything EVOLVES folks did. He has to have had a stooge, and guess what, he did.

That stool pigeon's name? Larry Dallas.

Dallas' history with Sapolsky is at least as long as EVOLVE's itself. He's been a non-wrestler character since even the earliest days of the promotion. The value he adds to EVOLVE is questionable at best. Technically, he does provide a presence that helps get the people he torments/interviews over, but honestly, the story structure doesn't really build heels or faces as much as the raw personalities do, unless that structure calls for a stagnant title reign that gets people to boo a Champion not because he's bad, but because he's a proxy for Sapolsky's terrible storytelling and world-building. The best heels in EVOLVE are the ones who get over on their own, like Ethan Page (more on him later).

Dallas' worth to Sapolsky is more as a willing stooge to get involved where he refuses to get his hands dirty. Dallas, like Lenny "Lenny Leonard" Leonard, was a willing proxy during the war against fans from EVOLVE 10, and he's always there to stick up for his big boss. Oh boy, and when word leaked that someone passed along the e-mail with sensitive information like "make every move in your match count" to journalists, he HAD to get in on the action:
Smart to frame it as a "I don't wanna be bothered" because going on an active witch hunt might make it a bit too obvious, right? Anyway, not long after, Dallas tweeted something that incriminated Day, but he deleted it after he started getting heat from people, including the guy who books NOVA Pro Wrestling. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find a screen grab of the now-deleted tweet, but regardless, Dallas did his job, the only job he could ever be good at.

Of course, it goes without saying that Day will be damaged professionally in a way that he might not have ever been had wrestlers had a union. Thanks, Hulk Hogan, you dickhead! And it's all because Sapolsky has his own secret policeman working the beat so that his nut doesn't get busted. It's all about the greater glory of Sapolsky, the man whose handle on Twitter celebrates perhaps his worst "talent" as a promotional figurehead. Honestly, the sooner WWE absorbs Sapolsky to work for it, the better off everyone will be, because it'll mean the biggest tyrant in independent wrestling will leave the scene and make everyone stop pretending that he's someone to kiss up to for bookings outside of NXT. As for Dallas, I hope his Sirius-XM radio show is well-rated enough so he can at least justify to himself his miserable and petty existence.

Speaking of Page, he announced that he was leaving the WWN family of promotions yesterday. The timing was suspicious, but apparently, he was going to be leaving anyway after the next set of shows according to scuttlebutt. This comes as a huge blow to WWN Live, as Page was one of the only people on the roster to generate the good kind of heel heat. All in all, it's a tumultuous time for WWN Live. It'll be interesting to see how everything... evolves.
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Learning to Live with Smackdown

September 29, 2017, 9:00 am
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Fight forever so we don't have to experience Shane McMahon, plz
Photo Credit: WWE.com
This week on Smackdown I'm learning to live with:

Eternal Friendship
Okay, on the face of it, Sami Zayn confronting Kevin Owens and then getting mauled for his trouble may not seem very friendly, but let's review. Zayn came out to reason with Owens out of concern for his former friend. He didn't defend Shane McMahon; he wanted OWENS to get out before he did irreversible damage to HIMSELF. He didn't mention McMahon's family (probably because he didn't want Shane to leap out of a ringpost for daring to mention them), but he did say that he doesn't want Owens' family to suffer because of what might happen. I did think things got a little melodramatic with Zayn talking about Owens “crossing a line” at Hell in a Cell, when I'm pretty sure participating in a sanctioned match is in fact toeing the line, not crossing it, but whatever. The point is that Sami Zayn still cares for Kevin Owens no matter what happens. He may be wise enough to not want to be a guest referee for him, but he still doesn't want Owens to go too far down a dark path.

And Kevin Owens cannot handle that. He hates the idea that Zayn could still want to help him after everything Owens has done to push him away, so his immediate response was to run Zayn down and list all the titles he's won in WWE while Zayn's been languishing. In the end, the only person to whom he truly compares himself, the one person he really wants to beat, is Sami Zayn, and he absolutely cannot understand how upholding honour and fairness can be more important than winning, which is why no matter how many titles he wins Kevin Owens will never be happy while no matter how many titles he doesn't win Sami Zayn will always find the strength to keep going. Titles come and go but love and friendship is the one thing that endures, but that thought is too terrifying for someone like Kevin Owens so he'll keep running away from it while someone like Sami Zayn will never let it truly die.

See, look how much better this all gets when you remove any McMahons from the equation.

Their actual match at the end of the show was pretty darn great, too. Sami Zayn is a good dude but that doesn't mean he's not going to bring it full force when facing his old friend. He's also been struggling lately, so he could have also seen this match as an opportunity to show that he belongs in the main event. I liked him asking Daniel Bryan to make Shane McMahon stay away because McMahon's got his shot at Hell in a Cell but this one chance on Smackdown is all Zayn has (and I loved that Bryan's response was basically “Ugh, I'll try, but you know what a scene-stealing asshole that guy is”). Zayn's determination plus the fact that Owens always brings a particular intensity when he faces Zayn made the match excellent.

Unfortunately, things ended messily as the match was cut short when the ref called it due to unnecessary roughness, and while the power bomb onto the apron DID look brutal, that seemed like a pretty arbitrary decision. Owens continuing to brutalize Zayn brought out Shane McMahon, and I'm choosing to believe that the chair-bedecked Zayn hurtling into him was just as much Zayn's idea as Owens' just to give Zayn some agency back.

Thus we are right back to focusing on Shane McMahon and the dire threat that he allegedly poses to Kevin Owens at Hell in a Cell. No doubt he'll sweat profusely onto Owens until he submits.

The Ongoing United States Championship Saga
In other Canadian news, Tye Dillinger continued to bring out the best in Baron Corbin while AJ Styles watched because we're just never getting a proper United States Championship open challenge ever again. Dillinger and Corbin had a good match wherein Dillinger once again showed himself to be one of the best parts of this show right now just by wrestling well and being likeable as heck. I was minorly annoyed when he failed to pull off a Tye Breaker and Corey Graves said it was because Corbin was just too big, but ACTUALLY it was because Dillinger was selling his hurt leg and back. Damn it, Graves, acknowledge his competence! I also loved the high drama of Dillinger making it back to the ring apron just as the 10 count was being called and Corbin viciously booting him away. If he doesn't wind up in the United States title match at Hell in a Cell I will be disappointed.

Baron Corbin looked more competent than he has in a while, too, tossing Dillinger into Styles in order to pick up a count-out win and being pleased as punch with himself about it. The one step forward/three steps back thing WWE has going on with him at the moment is frustrating, and I hope there's some kind of resolution soon. I do enjoy that the U.S. title scene is apparently now working on women's division rules where you can just declare yourself to have a title match and everyone is fine with it.

Forgotten Hype
Ostensibly the Hype Bros versus Usos match was furthering both their current stories: the Usos on their way to facing New Day again, and the Hype Bros' dissension in the ranks. In the end, though, Rawley tagging himself in and subsequently being pinned wasn't followed up on at all, so who knows how the bros dealt with this latest setback. It was more important to establish that the Usos and New Day will indeed be having a cell match at Hell in a Cell. I mean, I certainly don't think the Hype Bros woes are very important, but it seems weird to keep introducing this plot element and then never follow up on it (she wrote after watching WWE for years...). And I have to give Zack Ryder and Mojo Rawley props because I've mostly enjoyed them in the ring lately. It's just that I love everyone else in the division so much more.

Rusev Day Before It Was Rudely Interrupted
Everything about Rusev's in-ring celebration was delightful. Everyone was well-dressed and pleased with themselves for doing a good job, Aiden English got to sing, and there was a comically large key. I wanted it to go on forever, but then a pantsless party crasher ruined all the fun because God forbid Randy Orton go one full week without reasserting his dominance. For real though, Rusev's motivation right now is representing his country and not letting them down, something he feels very deeply, and Orton's is just...being an asshole, apparently. Stop upsetting the dementors and entirely ruining Rusev Day, Randy!

A Return to Hibernation
Is there any tension between Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair since the latter won her shot at the Women's Championship? Is Tamina angry at Lana for not making sure she won? Who knows! We've got a new number one contender now so everyone else is back in their boxes until the next go-round. I complain, but Flair and Carmella did have a fine match. Weirdly, Carmella was in control for most of it until Flair just thought, “Welp, time to win,” and then she did. It just seemed strange to structure the match like that unless they were trying to point out Carmella as a legitimate threat or Flair as being too cocky, but, nope. Flair ended up winning pretty effortlessly. Like I said, it wasn't bad, just odd.
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Pick Three: Chikara, Defy, RevPro

September 29, 2017, 11:00 am
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The Grand Champion faces a huge challenge Saturday
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
It's the weekend, baby! You know what that means, time to drink precisely one beer and dial 911 wrestling is happening, and it's happening all around this great world. I'm going to highlight three shows which I think will be of most interest. Of course, I'm only one person. You can check out which shows are coming up possibly in your area via Cagematch. Anyway, go to, if you can, these great shows that may be happening in your area, on television/YouTube/streaming, or for later consumption via VOD, DVD, or whatever other means one uses to consume wrestling at a later date:

Defy Wrestling 8: Kings Among Men 8 PM PDT tonight (Friday, 9/29), Washington Hall, Seattle, WA - Defy Wrestling has been taking the Pacific Northwest by storm, creating a buzz for indie wrestling on the American side of the border not seen since the days of Don Owen's Portland Wrestling. Tonight's card features two big title matches. The Defy Championship AND the Combat Zone Wrestling Championship will be on the line as Shane Strickland, aka Killshot from Lucha Underground, will take on The King of Bros himself, Matt Riddle. People say contrasts in styles make matches, and Strickland and Riddle definitely have contrast. The former likes to throw caution to the wind with big high spots, while the latter has made his name on hybrid MMA/English grappling. Either way, it should be a fine co-main event. In another contrast of styles, John Hennigan/Morrison/Mundo/Impact will also be defending a Championship — his Pacific Coast Wrestling Championship — against the big Guamanian powerhouse Jeff Cobb. Similarly to the other main event, it's high-flyer vs. grappler, but Cobb also brings some heft behind his punches and takedowns. Another marquee match for national fans features three prominent women clashing: Nicole Matthews, Taya Valkyrie, and Christine von Eerie. If you're in the Seattle area, you should make it a point to get to this show. If not, check back to Highspots Network to see when it goes up.

Chikara Tooth and Claw 3 PM EDT tomorrow (Saturday, 9/30), Chikara Wrestle Factory, Philadelphia, PA - Chikara returns to the Wrestle Factory with a huge school show that features two huge singles matches. While Juan Francisco de Coronado defending the Grand Championship against Mr. Touchdown might garner the most attention because of the title and the history between the two, don't sleep on the grudge match between Ashley Vox and Merlok. The vile sea monster Merlok has been terrorizing the Sea Stars all season with vicious attacks and sucker punches for pretty much the whole season. Vox must fight for her team's honor and her own inner struggle. Coronado/Touchdown should be a dandy as well, as I'm sure the wounds from the last two seasons, when the former nearly destroyed the latter's relationship with Dasher Hatfield, haven't completely healed. Also on the card, Rory Gulak and Hallowicked will square off in what should be a technical masterpiece, and Oleg the Usurper will clash with the Proletariat Boar of Moldova in a certified HOSS FIGHT. Also, you'll see a bunch of fun tag matches of varying providence. Remember, Wrestle Factory tickets are cheap if you're an adult, and they're FREE if you're a child under the age of 12. Bring your kids! If you can't make it, either check out Chikara's video shop, or get yourself a subscription to Chikaratopia.

Revolution Pro Wrestling Live at the Cockpit 21 5:30 GMT Sunday (10/1), Cockpit Theatre, Marylebone, Greater London, England - While RevPro made big waves announcing the HOSS FIGHT TO END ALL HOSS FIGHTS, Tomohiro Ishii vs. Keith Lee to happen on November 10, it has a strong offering for Live at the Cockpit 21 on Sunday. The big match will feature Zack Gibson taking on Canadian martial arts-inspired high flyer and BANNED IN THE USA"Speedball" Mike Bailey. That match ought to turn a few heads. Also on the show, CCK, Chris Brookes and Travis Banks (subbing for the injured Kid Lykos/Freebird-ruling that shit) will defend the RevPro Tag Team Championships against the team of Aussie Open, Mark Davis and Kyle Fletcher. Other marquee matches on the show feature Jinny Couture battling Veda Scott, and Josh Bodom taking on Flash Morgan Webster. David Starr will also be on the show. If you're not in the London area and want to watch this, however, please keep your eyes peeled for RPW On Demand.

OTHER SHOWS TO WATCH:
  • Scottish Wrestling Alliance Live in Paisley (Friday, Paisley, Scotland)
  • The Crash Lucha Libre (Friday, Mazatlán, Mexico)
  • Westside Xtreme Wrestling Fight Forever Tour (Saturday, Frankfurt, Germany)
  • SWA Live in Motherwell (Saturday, Motherwell, Scotland)
  • Alternative Wrestling Show Lethal Lottery #4 (Saturday, South Gate, CA)
  • Maryland Championship Wrestling Tribute to the Legends (Saturday, Joppa, MD)
  • New York Wrestling Connection 'Til I Collapse (Saturday, Deer Park, NY)
  • BATTLEWAR 48 (Sunday, Montreal, QC)
  • Insane Championship Wrestling television tapings (Sunday, Glasgow, Scotland)
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High School Football Player Channels Ron Simmons

October 2, 2017, 6:00 am
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They used Simmons' finishing move on the football field? DAMN.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Football and wrestling go together in that they involve people throwing other people to the surface below them in violent fashion. Sometimes, the way in which football players tackle their opponents resemble wrestling moves. German suplexes on the gridiron are probably the most common, starting Brian Dawkins taking Amani Toomer to Suplex City back in the salad days of the Andy Reid Eagles, but players have given Samoan drops, Boss Man slams, Alabama slams, nodawa otoshis, the Fall of Man and yes, even a RKO (even if it was an Instagram stunt, I'm counting it). Now, thanks to Tennessee high school football, you can add Ron Simmons'/Faarooq's Dominator to the list:
Some tried identifying it as a Ganso bomb, but the impact is all on the chest and front. I'd call it a crude Styles Clash before a Ganso bomb, but really, it's a Dominator without the follow-through. But seriously, if #7 in the gray jersey doesn't find football to be a fulfilling career path, I'm sure several wrestling schools around the country would love to have him learn from the best how to do that kind of thing in the squared circle.
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Reminder: The Shield Never Should've Broken Up

October 2, 2017, 8:00 am
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What if these guys had never broken up?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The most celebrated stable/faction/whatever the fuck Vince McMahon wants to call groups of wrestlers nowadays in WWE history debuted at Survivor Series 2012 and disbanded the night after Payback 2014. The Shield had a monstrous peak in popularity, critical acclaim, match quality, and narrative relevance, and then in the blink of an eye, or more accurately, the swing of a steel chair, it evaporated into the aether. Within a week, two of the three members of the group had changed their aesthetic completely away from it, and the one who clung to it got put through the wringer by his bosses, the fans, and the critical mass.

Of course, many a thinkpiece will tell you that the wrong person turned. It should have been Roman Reigns instead of Seth Rollins, and in a way, it's a correct answer inasmuch that Reigns would have been much better off then as Triple H's corporate goon and now as McMahon's golden goose heir to Hulk Hogan instead of, as the guy who compared Reigns to himself termed it, a "bootleg John Cena." But the best answer wasn't to have Reigns turn. It certainly wasn't Rollins, and the creative staff would've been loons to turn Dean Ambrose. No, the correct answer was to turn none of the three heel and to keep the group intact.

As WWE works towards a reunion of the group — Ambrose and Rollins have already made nice and are RAW Tag Team Champions — it didn't have to break the group up in the first place. While it's true that with the end of the feud with Evolution and the exit from WWE of Dave Batista, the group explored the most of its space with group feuding, it didn't nearly tread enough ground for what a stable could do in WWE, a territory/promotion notorious for its aversion to stables and primacy of the lone wolf paradigm, especially for babyface stars. The ground was fertile for the group to continue as a collective of singles stars providing support to each other as they went on their separate ventures. WWE had and still has relied so much on the iconoclastic singular hero that the law of diminishing returns would dictate that it should try something different to spice things up, right?

Instead, WWE showed that it doesn't ever deviate from its playbook. Those who clamor for New Day to be the thing The Shield wasn't will be in for a big disappointment as that group will probably only produce singles pushes if it itself breaks up. Rumors have it staying together for a long time just so it can push the Dudley Boyz' names out of record books for most tag team title reigns, which is not surprising either, because God forbid Donald Trump supporter and friend McMahon push a Black superstar to the top of his company.

But while the playbook WWE uses has provided some modicum of stability, its fear of deviating from it has cost it desired results. Reigns as a solo star, nakedly apart from the two "indie darlings" in a time when its crowds cheer loudest for them, was a disaster, but him in that same role with those allies at his side could have been different. One could argue that Reigns is a success because crowd reactions are positive regardless of connotation, and I would agree that perhaps his current state is more beneficial to the company for when after McMahon is gone. It certainly wasn't the plan, however, and something positive can be said for keeping traditional alignments alive and reinventing them. Besides, I'm not sure WWE knows how to or can handle playing with shades of gray the way Reigns' reactions dictate.

My overarching point, however, is that WWE probably would be better off in a narrative sense had The Shield never broken up. All three of them would be better off. Rollins never would have had an awful heel run that never quite suited him. Ambrose wouldn't have flirted with irrelevance. Reigns might have healthier reactions. Sure, the reunion pop when Reigns finally joins back up will be nuclear, but will it be worth forgoing treading new ground with a much higher ceiling for growth in every metric? It feels doubtful.
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A Big Weekend for Match Announcements

October 2, 2017, 10:00 am
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Will Storm be known as Toni Four Belts on December 1?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
So in case you were distracted by other things, two huge indie match announcements were made this weekend. One pits two teams from the East Coast/deathmatch scene against each other in a match that shouldn't seem as exciting as it does, and the other is a SHIMMER World Championship match between two Mae Young Classic competitors. For those who think the indies aren't doing work here in America, they aren't following Beyond Wrestling or the women's wrestling network that likes names patterned after laundry detergent.

Beyond Wrestling is moving down south into New Jersey for the first time since it ran secret shows at the Combat Zone Wrestling Academy, teaming with Game Changer Wrestling for a show called Denim Recruits on October 28, and it announced an epic tag match that might not leave anyone in attendance alive. In one corner is the legendary indie tag team of Monsta Mack and "Mafia" Dan Maff. In the other is the H8 Club, featuring Nate Hatred and Nick Gage. DHS was one of the cornerstone teams of the early indie renaissance that reformed in the last few years and has owned the New York/New Jersey/Philly indie scene. They're rough and tumble, a team that knows how to use its HOSS status for maximum effect. Meanwhile, Hatred and Gage have terrorized teams with their brand of violence. Of course, if DHS wanted to add some extra juice to the match and pocket some coin or at least a free meal, they could reach out to Buffalo Wild Wings for an endorsement, but maybe I'm just talking out my ass here.

The other big match announced was for the RISE Promotion, which is the wrestling company arm of Kevin Harvey's initiative to train the next generation of women's wrestlers and promoters. While the venture feels like an arm to enhance SHIMMER and to an extent SHINE Wrestling, it has some big marquee names attached to it at times, and it will have a mammoth match taking place at its December 1 show in South Gate, CA. Should Mercedes Martinez survive the next round of SHIMMER tapings with her World Championship, she will put it on the line against international superstar Toni Storm. Storm and Martinez both were semifinalists in the Mae Young Classic, and one could argue that their standing in that tournament raises the stakes in this match if only to put more eyes on it. Additionally, it appears neither one signed with WWE, so I appreciate the hustle.

Storm is looking to add another title to her collection. She won the World of STARDOM Championship from Mayu Iwatami following her big win in the Five Star Grand Prix. Add that to her Scottish Wrestling Alliance and PROGRESS Wrestling Women's Championships, and she's amassing a veritable Ultimo Dragon-esque number of titles. Martinez, if she's still the Champion then, will be no easy task, but regardless of what the circumstances are, this should be one hell of a match.

Indies across America are still putting on great shows with great matches. Beyond and RISE giving their audiences those two matches is just the latest in examples of providence still being given stateside.
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Billy Corgan Has a 20 Year Plan for the National Wrestling Alliance

October 2, 2017, 12:00 pm
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The future of wrestling?
Photo Credit: Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images
The saga of the National Wrestling Alliance has been an interesting one. Ever since it broke with Ted Turner's World Championship Wrestling, it has been passed around many different promotions and in several different iterations. Even WWE tried reviving it as a pet division designed to get Jim Cornette and various wrestlers over in the early Attitude Era. But any bit of resurgence peters out after a given amount of time for various reasons, mostly due to ego. The latest version saw Texas lawyer R. Bruce Tharpe try to consolidate mostly Southern promotions as an indie bloc that was at one point even associated with New Japan Pro Wrestling, but that didn't have long-term legs either. So "Sacho" sold the rights to Billy Corgan to a prevailing reaction of laughter from most people who were assed enough to have one.

Corgan is unabated, however, as he gave an interview with SI wrestling writer/Paul Levesque useful idiot Justin Barrasso. Corgan's quotes are couched in poor writing that doesn't even get the governing body's name right in the lede, but they're worth seeking out. He says a lot of right things but a few wrong ones, mainly that he's open to working with Anthem and Ed Nordholm, the current money-bleeding bozos in charge of NWA-TNA TNA Wrestling Global Force Wrestling Impact Wrestling. Despite the fact that people associated with that company still owe him money, Corgan seems open to working with the promotion that tripped over its dick into everything good its ever achieved, which honestly, given his history working for it, shows the textbook definition of insanity.

However, he offered up some good, if boilerplate, promises about long-term planning, needing to take time, and go for a much younger audience. The article notes the recent study that showed the average wrestling fan is aged at 57 years, which is a bigger sign of rot than any downturn in ratings, WWE Network subscribers, or revenue. The problem with all these great promises is he just sort of says what he needs to do with no specifics behind them outside of having current NWA Champion Tim Storm get his and the brand's name out there on Championship Wrestling from Hollywood. It's not like he's trying to patent cold fusion; he's trying to revive wrestling for youth using a brand name that means more to people on the wrong side of that average age than anyone in his demographic.

Of course, the most jarring thing Corgan says in his interview is his plan is 20 years in scope. That's insane given the current climate, although it's admirable that someone has a more realistic timetable in which they could compete with Vince McMahon's juggernaut. I'm not sure a plan like that is feasible to enact without guarantees that you have contingency money or a plan that will surefire bring younger fans into the fold. Like Beyond Wrestling promoter Denver Colorado said on Twitter, most people's 20 year plans are not to die.

I mean, if this whole thing succeeds, then it'll be a boon for wrestling, and Corgan has his head in the right place it seems. However, with few plans in concrete, forgive wrestling fans who know better to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for October 2, 2017

October 2, 2017, 4:00 pm
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Dead or not, you respect the fucking legend, alright?
Photo Credit: SADIA/Gamma-Rapho, Getty Images
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Tom Petty (Last Week: Not Ranked) - God, can one week go by without someone titanic, either personally or more worldly dying? Petty was a major god of rock 'n roll, the man who received the torch of Southern rock from Lynyrd Skynyrd and kept running with it and running with it and running with it some more. Name a Tom Petty song. Odds are, it's someone's favorite Tom Petty song. He wrote nothing but bangers. He peered into the soul of America from such a folksy but relatable point of view. It was almost impossible to hate his music. He even had a turn on King of the Hill that was not only more memorable than 99 percent of all cartoon guest runs, but was actually a regular gig. Imagine that, a rock legend recurring on an animated adult sitcom. Latest reports had him "clinging to life," but it's not looking good at all, and whether he miraculously survives or indeed does or has passed, everything I've written here is true and then some.

2. Toni Storm (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I can't believe I left Storm off last week's rankings. I blame the CHUDs. Anyway, it appears she's eschewed the tiny hat, but that's fine, because she's still kicking ass and taking names. My only critique is that Mayu Iwatami had to go and get injured to necessitate her big title win in STARDOM, which is no one's fault at all. In related news, best of luck in recovering for the former World of STARDOM Champion.

3. Nifty Fifty's Chicken Nuggets (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Philly locals know of Nifty Fifty's either for the retro soda-shop motif and the great food, or the fact that the business practices are, well, in a word shady. However, the ones left, including the one near my house in the suburbs, still serve up great grub. We catered our kids' birthday party with their chicken nuggets, and they are a cut above. Of course, they're made with white meat chicken breast and not pink slime like other top nuggets like Wendy's or McDonald's, which I'm not slamming, by the way. But man, sometimes, you just want the real magilla.

4. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 2) - I gotta stop whiffing on these and precluding all the good Strowman content for the week after the rankings go up late. Either way, just imagine he ate an entire building and used the CN Tower as a toothpick.

5. Jason Peters (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Eagles offense is humming in no small part to the unsung heroes on the offensive line, none more worthy than future Hall of Famer Jason Peters. He's faced 76 pass rushes in the last two games against dudes like Olivier Vernon and Joey Bosa, and not only has he not given up a sack, he's not even given up a pressure. Add that to the way the Eagles have run wild on the ground the last two weeks, and you bet your sweet asses you'd better kiss the rings.

6. Asuka (Last Week: 8) - How is Asuka keeping busy before debuting on the RAW brand and consuming the souls of everyone on said roster? By showing she has excellent taste in beefy NXT boys, that's how.

7. Cesaro (Last Week: 7) - So, last week, Cesaro had his teeth shoved up into his skull. This week, he has a shirt commemorating it. Wrestling fans, myself included, don't deserve this man.

8. Lockjaw (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I'm not gonna lie to you; Inhumans didn't get off to the best start. The acting is cheesy, the dialogue is even more unintentionally hilarious, and it felt like the plot, although solid in basis, had the tendency to assume the audience knew things it didn't. But I'll be damned if I don't put over a giant drooly English bulldog that can teleport back and forth. I want a Lockjaw. I WANT ONE.

9. Russell Westbrook (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Westbrook not only struck a chord for small markets by extending himself with the Oklahoma City Thunder when he could've probably netted big bucks in Los Angeles or somewhere else, but he did it on the birthday of Kevin Durant, who skipped town to sign in a more glamorous location by comparison. Russell Westbrook is a better edgy babyface than anyone Vince McMahon has ever promoted, and that includes "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Even in the face of such BEEF as Lars Sullivan, Oney Lorcan showed that he is always here for porkin'.
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The Final Trio for Scenic City Is Set

October 3, 2017, 6:00 am
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The final trio!
Graphics via. @SCITournament
The eighth and final team for Scenic City Trios was announced last night, and now the field is set. The last team in is A Case of Ducklings, which consists of Ethan Case and the team of the Ugly Ducklings, Lance Lude and Rob Killjoy. Case has actually gotten himself quite a few bookings in the WWN Live family of promotions, most notably Style Battle. The Ducklings are a southern tag team staple, and this team will round out a solid slate of teams for the November 18, one-night tourney.

The other teams competing in this inaugural slate are the Carnies (Nick Iggy and Kerry Awful) f/ Tripp Cassidy, The Viking War Party (Frank Wyatt, Jake Parnell, Alex Rudolph), Southern Motors (Cousins Cletus and Shaggy, Torque), The Gym Nasty Boys f/Mallaki Matthews, The Nightmare Mob (Kyle Matthews, Joey and Matt Lynch), Team Glory Pro (Myron Reed, Gary Jay, Curt Stallion), and Team SUP Graps (Kevin Ku, AJ Gray, Jaden Newman. That field is full of a combination of young, hungry, unknown teams with some more recognized indie guys sprinkled in. Either way, it should be one hoot of a tournament. And of course, Cyrus the Destroyer will battle Gunner Miller in an exhibition match.

With King of Trios having taken place in England, Scenic City Trios will be your best shot to see six-man action in the States this year. Head to the Chattanooga area on November 18 to get your fix. If you want tickets, contact Dylan Hales (dylanwaco@gmail.com). They're super-affordable, like $15 for floor seats affordable. You won't need to sell a kidney to get up close and personal here. Honestly, that's the way wrestling should be, especially indie wrestling.
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Leftism and Wrestling: Ever Try Wrestling... ON WEED?

October 3, 2017, 1:00 pm
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"Snoochie Boochies."— Shane McMahon (Probably)
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Even though capitalists and conservatives run and populate the wrestling business, as an artform, it lends itself to leftist ideals. This series hopes to show wrestling fans why they should embrace the left, not just for the sport/art, but also for themselves.

Shane McMahon made news the last few days for reasons other than his upcoming Hell in a Cell match against Kevin Owens. He invested money in a legal marijuana company in 2015, only to find out that its operations were pretty much barebones if they existed at all. He's suing the company for half-a-million dollars. Although McMahon has been divorced from the inner workings of WWE since exiting the company in 2009, it's funny to see him support the use of marijuana when his father's company has had a complex relationship with the recreational and analgesic drug. Rob van Dam's run as WWE Champion was famously curtailed after an arrest for marijuana (among other drugs), and other superstars have been suspended for its use. WWE has relaxed its stance on it lately, but I'm sure you can't just go around smoking a joint in Gorilla or rolling a blunt on the company bus.

McMahon, like the rest of his family, will never be considered a leftist. If anything, sister Stephanie and brother-in-law Paul Levesque will get as far left as pre-2016 primary Hillary Clinton, which is to say neoliberal, diversity-hugging, minority-pandering Joe Lieberman-Democrats at the very best. However, the issue of drug use is curious as it doesn't necessarily fall on the left-right axis of a political alignment chart. Instead, it's an issue that's more along the lines of the authoritarian-libertarian axis. It's the common ground that hippies and libertarians occupy when they're tired of arguing about whether taxation or private property are theft. Anyway, it shows that Shane McMahon probably occupies more of a libertarian space on the right.

But again, the case for research into drug legalization and ending the pointless war on controlled substances has as much foundation on the left. Ending the war on drugs would open up a lot of money for social programs and infrastructure improvements. Legalization of select drugs under stringent federal regulation could open up revenue streams to collect more money for social good. Obviously, the drugs would need to be researched, although one can have a good idea that more widespread access to opioids, for example, would be a mistake. But more access to marijuana might not be a bad thing. Obviously, it's not as safe a drug as weed enthusiasts strenuously say it is, not for the symptoms that detail a physical high, but because it's mostly consumed via smoking, which carries a lot of the same risks as cigarettes and other tobacco products. However, the other effects have been shown to be less severe than those of alcohol.

Widespread legalization of weed has benefits for wrestlers as well, mainly because of its painkilling effects. Marijuana usage first gained popular legalization for medicinal purposes, to relieve chronic pain or to relieve the nausea from chemotherapy. Wrestlers, especially ones on the road doing 300 dates a year for WWE, tend to develop chronic pain from taking repeated bumps, the intensity of which having escalated over the last 30 years. The current mode of dealing with said pain is dosing with opioid-based painkillers. These drugs are highly addictive, and their side effects are far more severe than marijuana.

Legalizing marijuana would lessen the sting of opioid abuse in wrestling locker rooms. Weed would provide effective pain relief without the nasty specter of addiction that haunts so many communities in and out of the business. Of course, the main argument against it is that users would be tempted to consume before heading to the ring, but what's to stop someone from showing up drunk or high on legal, prescribed painkillers? Companies have measures against working under the influence, and weed would be no different. The real danger obviously is the main method of consuming it. However, marijuana can be ingested as well, which gives a similar effect without the need to breathe smoke.

Shane McMahon's involvement in legal weed certainly doesn't forestall a leftist bent. It may not even indicate that he's pro marijuana consumption as much as he is at making money off anything that he might deem profitable. But his family's company would be wise to lessen whatever stigma it has against marijuana right now and even promote its use as a pain reliever when not preparing to wrestle a match. Across-the-board legalization of marijuana wouldn't solve all of America's problems in service of a better country, but it would help things out a lot.
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Your Midweek Links: Lesnar Lethargy

October 4, 2017, 6:00 am
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Lesnar is just not enjoyable anymore
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Wednesday is upon the world again, so the time has come to review the best writings of the past week and read them during lull times at work. I mean, who works at work anyway? Really. The weekend is so close you can taste it, but too far away to get legitimately excited. Take a read on some of these gems, and kill some time before you can do nothing at home too. Enjoy!

Bryan Danielson is going to wrestle once he leaves WWE. It might sound like a scary proposition, and it carries risk. However, I'm slowly coming to terms with it and may even look forward to it [The Wrestling Blog]

The Shield is getting back together sooner rather than later. I'm here to remind you it never should have disbanded in the first place [The Wrestling Blog]

Brock Lesnar is still WWE's prime attraction, but David Bixenspan (correctly) proposes that his matches are getting increasingly more difficult to watch. [Deadspin]

James Marston sits down with the inimitable and infamous Martina the Session Moth for a nice, in-depth interview. [Across the Pond Wrestling]

Luke Norris took a look at some of the most controversial, tragic, and major moments in wrestling in the last few decades and wonders, "What if?" [FanSided WWE]

WWE using the odious Susan G. Komen during October is bad enough, but Kevin Pang writes its revising of Ultimate Warrior's hateful, bigoted legacy makes it even worse. [The AV Club]

Matthew Martin says that WWE has become like the Dallas Cowboys in the current day, which is one of the least flattering comparisons possible. [Cageside Seats]

JJ McGee takes a comprehensive yet awkward tour of the WWE Performance Center [The Spectacle of Excess]

NON-WRESTLING #1: Do you want a comprehensive ranking of post-lockout Stanley Cup Finals now that the NHL season is beginning? Kedge has you covered! [HOT SPROTS TAKES]

NON-WRESTLING #2: Colin Kaepernick's protest has been co-opted by the National Football League under the guise of solidarity with him, and Alexander Goot writes why that's gross. [From the Sidelines]
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RIP Lance Russell

October 4, 2017, 8:00 am
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Russell modeling a hat for his Twitter followers in his later years
Photo via @MemphisLance
Lance Russell, the iconic voice of Memphis wrestling for years, has passed away. He was 91 years old. Russell sustained a fall and was hospitalized Friday. His condition worsened, and he passed away yesterday from complications. In a cruel twist of fate, his daughter passed away on Friday from a long battle with cancer. Russell is survived by two sons.

Many people consider Russell to be the best pro wrestling commentator of all-time, which considering the loss of Bobby Heenan, means wrestling has lost two iconic voices in such a short period of time. Russell worked for the Memphis territory from 1959 through its transformation into the United States Wrestling Association in the early '90s. He also worked for World Championship Wrestling and Smoky Mountain Wrestling, and he retired in 1997. Russell's deep voice was a mainstay for Memphis wrestling fans for more than three decades, and he was as much a part of the action as Jerry Lawler or Bill Dundee.

Russell was a security blanket for thousands of fans in one of the most important territories in wrestling history. Even though he led a full life and went out in his 90s, losing such an iconic figure in your life is never easy. It's not hyperbole to say that Russell was the voice for many wrestling fans, and that sting cannot be replaced or soothed easily. Rest easy, Mr. Russell. Rest easy.
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The Powerbomb TV Independent Wrestling Championship Final Looks Lit

October 4, 2017, 10:00 am
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Is Gresham the favorite to win the whole thing?
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Powerbomb TV is probably the best bang-for-buck streaming service available for those who want to watch a ton of wrestling without giving money to Vince McMahon, or at the very least in the top two with Highspots Network. The collection of indie and lucha promotions that it is amassing, both for on-demand streaming and live broadcasting, is becoming more impressive by the minute. However, it's also dabbling in promotion, as seen by its supercard, Break the Barrier, where all its affiliate promotions sent sample matches over. It has also introduced a title, the Independent Wrestling Championship, that will be defended across the promotions it streams. Four first round matches were held across the continent, and now, the finals will be held in a four-way match in the main event of its second show, FUTURES.

FUTURES will be held on October 22 in Old Forge, PA, which is in the Scranton-Wilkes-Barre area. The four competitors for that Independent Championship run a fine gamut indeed. They are...
  • DeSean Pratt - The former Amasis has struck out on his own, outside Chikara and away from the Osirian Portal. While he's not known for singles wrestling, he had several standout matches under the hood, including the Sarcophagus Match at Aniversario: Never Compromise against Ophidian. The Prince of Camden will look to add a title to act as his de facto crown.
  • Fly Warrior - This indie luchador works for IWRG, one of Mexico's top indie lucha promotions and perhaps Powerbomb TV's backbone company. His dazzling high flying has captivated Powerbomb audiences so far, and he'll be a top threat to take home the gold.
  • Joey Lynch - Lynch, like Pratt, has made bones both in tag teams (mainly with his brother Matt) and in singles competition. A good, old-fashioned Southern brawler with modern sensibilities, Lynch will hope to bring the title home to the Landmark Arena in Georgia and with him as he competes with his brother and also Kyle Matthews in Scenic City Trios.
  • Jonathan Gresham - Gresham has made a hell of a name for himself over the last few years as one of the best unsigned talents on the scene. He's so good, Ring of Honor signed him and didn't find a single constructive thing to do with him, following in the grand tradition of wrestlers like ACH, Cedric Alexander, Moose, Veda Scott, and Donovan Dijak. Gresham not only may be one of the best wrestlers in the world, but he also has the backing of Stokely Hathaway and the Dream Team. I'd be shocked if he didn't come out of this with the title.
Of course, if you want to get more hype about this thing, check out the hype video that the Powerbomb team created below. If you want to get even MORE hype, then FUTURES will also feature a match between John Silver, the zaniest and one of the most talented grapplers on the scene, against Puma King, another swell luchador. Again, indie wrestling is not something that should be left to people sucking on WWE teat or swilling corporate money from people like Sinclair. It is best left to the workers and the people giving them a platform. Powerbomb TV seems like a great overall platform for the growth of wrestling as an art, and I'm glad it's doing things like these standalone shows and the Indie Wrestling Championship.

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Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 6

October 4, 2017, 12:00 pm
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[BELIEF IN THE SHIELD INTENSIFIES]
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Oh, look who's here to dispense of the news this week? If you said DAVE MELTZER, I spit on you and then on your grave when you die. It's ME ME ME, HORB FLERBMINBER, and I am BACK to give you all the news your greedy little maws require. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO KILLED JOHN F. KENNEDY? You won't find that here, but you will find out that Bill Watts, not Jack Ruby, killed Lee Harvey Oswald. SHOCKING, I KNOW. But did you also know that Watts invented CHEMTRAILS? That tidbit got Velvet Sky to subscribe, and now you should too!

Not only should you subscribe to MY NEWSLETTER, but you should follow me on Twitter Dot Com. Go to @HorbFlerbminber and BASK in the warming glow of my HOT HOT HOT scoops! Be there when I engage in targeted harassment campaigns against former Ring of Honor jobbers! Last week was Grizzly Redwood. Will this week be Alex "Sugarfoot" Payne? Bobby Dempsey? COLT CABANA? You won't know unless you follow! Also, be sure to contact me for back issues of the newsletter, because YOU NEED READING MATERIAL ON THE JOHN. I've seen your magazine collection in there. IT'S PATHETIC! If you'd like back issues, flush twice and then take a swig of Listerine, and I'll be right there with my magic chest of old issues, like these:
  • October 2, 1991 - My review of Suburban Commando is in this issue. I ruminate not on whether Hulk Hogan should get an Oscar, but how many Oscars he should have received.
  • Smarch 13, 1995 - I examine the effects of adding an extra month to the year on promotional drawing power and on the near aneurysm it gave Dave Meltzer in trying to figure out where it fit on the Observer Award voting period.
  • February 18, 1998 - Double issue on the carnage wrought by the Monday Night Wars, including Vince McMahon deploying biochemical weapons on the cruiserweights and how Lanny Poffo had to talk Eric Bischoff down from nuclear retaliation in the WCW War Room.
  • June 27, 2007 - Get the issue that won the Pulitzer Prize for most redacted text!
  • September 1, 2010 - THE FORBIDDEN ISSUE. Read only if you want to be hexed with severe nerve pain for the rest of your life. Also a faithful recreation of Gorilla Monsoon's famous lasagna recipe!
Get those issues and more, or else I'll kill you. And now, the news...

- RAW this week ended with a tease for a reunion of The Shield. WWE officials are wondering whether or not to hold off the circle jerk confirming their reunion for TLC or to somehow let the overrun of next week's RAW go past midnight so they can show it on USA Network.

- Michael Cole missed this week's episode of RAW because he had to take a mean, mean shit.

- WWE will tour India in December, so get ready for more Jinder Mahal-shows-he-a-minority-is-the-real-racist promos from now until the tour finishes up.

- Samoa Joe spoke to Sky Sports about his recent injuries, revealing that he needed two surgeries, one to repair a torn meniscus and the other to become a real human being.

- Larry Dallas identified the wrestler who leaked the e-mail to EVOLVE from Gabe Sapolsky as Chip Day. For his efforts, Dallas was promoted to "Head Rat Bitch" in WWN Live.

- Ethan Page resigned from his WWN Live contract effective immediately. Although he was not implicated in the leak, he wasn't comfortable with someone getting more heel heat than him from the fans.

- Bradley Cooper was offered the lead role in the Vince McMahon biopic, which oddly enough will have him reprising his role as Rocket Raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy.

- Randy Orton on the Edge and Christian Podcast said that he was tired of the babyface thing and wanted to be a heel again. "All the heels get to be racist. I want in on that action."

- Memphis commentary legend Lance Russell has passed away at age 91. His final words were reputed to be "I have a secret to tell. Andy Kaufman is actually..."

- Bobby Heenan's funeral took place this past weekend. It was a respectful ceremony with many great memories that ended with Heenan's ghost appearing and roasting everyone in attendance.

- WWE has officially signed Shayna Baszler. Contract language stipulates her push directly correlates to how many matches Ronda Rousey works for WWE, and it has several bonus tiers for how hard Baszler lobbies to get her fellow Horsewoman aboard. "No pressure though," Stephanie McMahon said in regards to the contract provisions.

- Charlotte Flair recently said she'd like to face Rousey in the main event of WrestleMania 34, to which the entirety of Reddit's wrestling community laughed and listed several reasons why they couldn't possibly headline the biggest show of  the year.

- Bray Wyatt's "Sister Abigail" will not be a female wrestler, but an alter ego in the same vein as Finn Bálor's "Demon," which means WWE is embracing intergender wrestling and CATERING TO PERVERTS. PERVERTS I SAY.

- Bálor teased "Bálor Club" shoes by Nike on Instagram. In the first exploratory measure, WWE has sent a cease and desist order to the entire Bullet Club, preventing them from wearing footwear of any kind.

- Meanwhile, Wyatt's divorce proceedings aren't going well. His ex-wife will receive half his earnings and custody of Luke Harper AND Erick Rowan.

- In response to WWE booking Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson against the Rock 'n Roll Express for Starrcade, Cody Rhodes said, "Pathetic. How dare WWE not ask me to work against the Rock 'n Roll Express? I know it'd be tampering, but if you're an important company, you risk that to get top talent on a show concept YOU STOLE from my father."

- WWE hit Will Ospreay with a cease and desist on using several phrases on merchandise, but no one has had the foresight to hit him with a cease and desist on liking racist tweets.

- A fan rushed the ring Friday night during an Undisputed Era vs. Kassius Ohno and Heavy Machinery six-man tag at the NXT house show. Kyle O'Reilly kicked the fan in the face as he charged at him. O'Reilly stated "It was a move Davey Richards taught me, only he intended it to be used for promoters rushing after us after we boosted everyone's pay envelopes before skipping out on a show. Man, come to think of it, he was a real prick, wasn't he?"

- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Corey Graves tweeted that he was ashamed in his son for doing Amore's dance in a little league baseball game. No one laughed at it, because everyone thought he was being serious, and instead gave him condolences in private.

- Billy Corgan has officially taken over the National Wrestling Alliance, marking the occasion by cutting a shoot promo on James Iha and D'arcy Wretzky and putting the NWA Junior Heavyweight Championship on Jimmy Chamberlain.

- Oops, the NWA has folded up shop after Corgan announced he was getting advice from Ed Nordholm.

- Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards retained the GHC World Heavyweight Championship over Naomichi Marufuji by faking him out with a giant anvil but then blasting him with a giant Civil War-era cannon.

- In its boldest match announcement yet, PROGRESS Wrestling has booked WALTER to defend the Atlas Championship against a literal gang of wolves.

- WWE RAW ratings have dipped to their lowest levels since the Carter Administration, when RAW wasn't actually on the air.

- Davey Richards lashed out at wrestlers who crowdfund to pay for their injuries. He later added "Look, do what I do. You can't get hurt if you never show up for bookings."

- COULD HAKU IN HIS PRIME HAVE BEATEN MUHAMMAD ALI IN HIS? I asked mad scientist Dr. Jorky Merktoberflarts, and he said "Give me like two more years and I'll have the time machine to find it out, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

- I'd have asked Haku, but the last time I tried to interview him, he tore my heart out and fed it to me because I took one of his Chik-Fil-A waffle fries.

- John Cena appeared on Dancing with the Stars to support fiancee Nikki Bella and to give Tom Bergeron an Attitude Adjustment for "talking shit." He knows what he said.

- Shane McMahon is suing a legal marijuana company he invested money into because its bud just wasn't dank enough, man.

- Ultimate Warrior's continued revisionist character rehabilitation continued on Monday and Tuesday when Dana Warrior joined forces with the company and Susan G. Komen to raise awareness for breast cancer research and treatment. I asked Billi Bhatti what he thought and immediately regretted it.

- Not everyone is thrilled with WWE's highlighting of breast cancer awareness month. Anonymous backstage tipster CJ Perry said, "UGH, not only is WWE giving attention to women who are NOT me, but they're not even WRESTLERS. This is an outrage. I have half a mind to take to Twitter and call them all men like I do to Sasha Banks every other tweet."

- Rafael Natal announced he was retiring from MMA to focus more on his new career performing standards with big band backing.

- The Big Show appeared in a NASCAR advertisement where he chokeslammed a car on the infield at Talladega Motor Speedway.

- In other NASCAR news, Tony Stewart killed a man during a race once. It's true.

- Defy Wrestling in Seattle has sent a letter to What Culture Pro Wrestling for rebranding as Defiant Wrestling. In other news, 13,576 of the 20,000 promotions with the word "Anarchy" in their names will be running shows this weekend.

- Wade Barrett was set to become the General Manager of Defiant Wrestling, but broke his hand signing the contract.

- Julio Jones and Mohammed Sanu of the Atlanta Falcons wore cleats with pictures of Ric Flair on them for this past Sunday's game. The effect rippled back in time and is now the leading reason why the NWA had Flair lose the World Championship to Ronnie Garvin.

- CHIKARA REPORT: Jorky Pektin d. Robb Stark, Romaine Rains d. Darkk Match, Delmi Defunct Montreal Baseball Team d. Some Ant, Glorbinsturn, Jakalak, Mamarama, and Flugtag Jimmy d. Daedelus, Morogo Boob, Vagabond Hayes, and Marty Jannetty, and Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh d. Wagh'nagl Fthagn (Thanks Ron Konkoma!)

- Mickey Gall challenged Kevin Lee to a no-rules fight at the gym Friday. When asked why, he replied "Isn't that the normal next step after you beat CM Punk?"

- Bayley is set to compete in the Nintendo World Championships LIKE THE FUCKIN GEEK SHE IS.

- Bryan Danielson appeared at a campaign stop for Glen "Kane" Jacobs in Tennessee last week. When asked why, he said "Hey, friends betray their own political beliefs to help get friends diametrically opposed to their own deeply-held values. That's just what they do, okay? I didn't make the rules."

- Robbie E asked for and received his release from Impact Wrestling to pursue his dream career of live-tweeting reality television that maybe like 50 people watch, which is 48 more people than watch Impact each week.

Last week's poll results are in, and 55 percent of you wanted extra cheese and pepperoni, while 45 percent only wanted the normal amounts of cheese. This week:
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On Lucha Forever and Cultural Appropriation

October 5, 2017, 6:30 am
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If you brand yourself lucha, you might as well book someone from Mexico, right?
Photo via Lucha Forever Twitter
Imagine if you will a promotion in America called World of BritWres. It's a promotion that claims to feature the best of British wrestling on American soil. Then the promotion opens, and no one on the card is from any part of the United Kingdom. Up and down the card, wrestlers who work somewhat "British" styles like Tracy Williams and John Silver are booked, but the closest thing to an Englishman or a Scot on the card is Davey Boy Smith, Jr. or Timothy Thatcher. What do you think the reaction would be? My guess is the outrage from across the Atlantic would be palpable. I'm imagining a bunch of angry tweets chiding "Yanks" as if all Americans are of one mind anyway for co-opting a hot scene without bringing over any of the talent that makes it great.

Of course, no one could blame you if you had a hard time imagining that scenario because British wrestling is so hot right now, and outside of the people who practice the old World of Sport grappling, it's pretty indistinguishable from American indie wrestling which in turn was influenced heavily by the confluence of All Japan Pro Wrestling's King's Road strong style, Dragon Gate's breakneck spotfestery, and World Championship Wrestling's hybridization of New Japan Pro Wrestling's junior heavyweight revolution and the flashier elements of actual lucha libre into its cruiserweight division. One could argue the hottest BritWres tournament isn't PROGRESS' Super Strong Style, but Pro Wrestling Guerrilla's Battle of Los Angeles because of how many English, Scottish, Welsh, Irish, Australian, and New Zealander talent are brought in.

So, of course, because everyone's an Anglophile nowadays, few seem to care that graps entrepreneurs have started a promotion in England called Lucha Forever, removed from Mexico by an average of 5,000 miles. What's worse is the closest thing to a Mexican that the promotion has booked is El Ligero, who wears a mask and is billed from Mexico but is really just another White dude from Leeds. Of course, the promoters say that they can't fly in lucha talent because of cost concerns, which for independent promotions is a legitimate concern. However, the promotion is booking Pro Wrestling NOAH ace Naomichi Marufuji for its show today. Unless LF is piggybacking off, say, Revolution Pro for travel costs, that flight can't be cheap, and again, Marufuji is about as top a talent you can get without getting New Japan involved.

To understand why this is offensive is to understand that lucha libre isn't just a style of wrestling; it's a tradition in a country that often gets a heel stomp to the head from life in general. Whether it be subjugation by colonial European powers, drug cartels controlling the landscape, American companies exploiting the wealth gap to suppress wages, or Donald Trump and Republicans scapegoating the people for everything wrong north of the border, Mexico has to deal with a lot of shit. Lucha is one of the few cultural touchstones it has to call its own, so for the OG colonial dickhead culture to swoop in and put on something called "lucha" with negligible if any input from Mexican or Mexican-English persons is insult to injury. It's not to say lucha is only a property that should happen in Mexico, but it should at least have some authenticity.

The debate over what cultural appropriation is rages pretty heavily in many circles. In some cases, the definitions can be hazy and one can claim plausible deniability. Wrestling is no different, as White/non-Mexican people have promoted lucha or used the name lucha before. Mike Quackenbush is about as Mexican as reindeer sausage, but, right or wrong, he gets away with branding Chikara as "lucha" because he makes efforts to bring in Mexican wrestlers from time to time. Is it enough to deflect from accusations of appropriation? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm a gringo, and I deflect to those with more skin in the game to make that fight. It's not a layup, to use sporting parlance.

Lucha Forever, however, is a layup. It's yet another BritWres promotion that is mostly indistinguishable from other BritWres promotions who use the same pool of talent, push the same pool of wrestlers in elite positions, and only dress it up as if it were a suburban community celebrating Cinco de Mayo. At the very best, it's in poor taste. At worst, it's cultural colonialism without paying reparation to the original scene. The promoters can continue to use the dressings and make money off something they only have spectator cred in, but they should be prepared to face the constant backlash. Ideally, they should probably rebrand if they want to continue running shows, but I'm too busy enjoying this tasty tea to expound on that idea more.

As a post-script, if your response to this criticism is "THE BOYS WON'T HAVE A PLACE TO GET A PAYDAY," well, look at the roster. How many wrestlers who've gotten Lucha Forever bookings are hurting for work? It's a veritable list of the most in-demand English/British talent and guests who are everywhere. I don't think that concern troll works.
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