Quantcast
Channel: The Wrestling Blog
Viewing all 4899 articles
Browse latest View live

An Essay on Caring about the WWE Hall of Fame

$
0
0
If the Hall of Fame had objective merit, why is Jarrett in and Chyna not?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The announcement of Jeff Jarrett's induction into the WWE Hall of Fame had a side effect of people getting really adamant, defensive, jumpy even about who gets into the club. The discussion turns to who is worthy of being inducted, with people unleashing vitriol in attack of those they feel unworthy or in defense of those they feel deserve to be there. When you boil down worth or eligibility to its core, you'd find out the only thing that gets someone into the WWE Hall of Fame or keeps them out is the whim of an insane old man. Vince McMahon doesn't really give a flying shit about what titles you won, how much money you drew, or anything else but if he thinks you can net him a few extra tickets sold or another round of great publicity.

If his Hall of Fame had any semblance of objective criteria, would it have taken more than two decades to induct Bruno Sammartino? He was the company's bedrock for more than a decade, helping to establish it as a stalwart outside of the National Wrestling Alliance in the most populous market in the country. Would Johnny Rodz have been inducted at all despite being known primarily as enhancement talent? Besides, how does one go about creating a hall for pro wrestling that abides by any coherent objective guidelines? The Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame tries its hardest, but when you get interpretations of workrate, drawing, etc. skewed by people who have biases and are influential, you get something like Big Daddy being gatekept out at the exhortation of Dave Meltzer, whose lack of contextual comprehension is legen, wait for it, dary. The funniest are the people online who think that somehow titles that are by and large given to wrestlers by promoters are the metric, which is even sillier given how many great wrestlers have never or hardly ever won titles, and how many times a promoter has tried jump-starting a worthless wrestler with a title reign.

The WWE Hall of Fame is littered with resumes of varying providence. IT contains draws like Sammartino and Hulk Hogan, and it also honors low-card guys like Rodz and the Bushwhackers. It has prolific Champions like Ric Flair, but it also has guys like Koko B. Ware and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who were as synonymous with titles as I am with the Mr. Olympia competition. Its history-making entrants are just as notable as the ceiling-breaking snubs, like Chyna. The only explanation for this pastiche of souls within the wrestling industry is that Vince McMahon or maybe a coalition that may have included people like his children, Paul Levesque, Kevin Dunn, Pat Patterson, or others who have been in and out of his inner circle. Which is to say, the WWE Hall of Fame is a completely arbitrary exercise.

Which isn't to say it's a worthless endeavor. To the wrestler or inductee, receiving the honor, getting to stand up on the stage (or the family standing up on stage in place of a posthumous inductee) and be lavished with praise can mean everything. In a business that chews people up and spits them out with little regard, and in nearly all cases, not enough pay in the least, getting that one last moment of adulation can be the thing that sustains a person professionally and personally into their twilight years (which is fucked up to say for someone young like Beth Phoenix, but still). In that respect, it's worth having around to let these people who literally kill themselves in the ring over a period of time have a memento.

But as an objective bargaining chip for arguments or whatever, the WWE Hall of Fame is mostly a worthless piece of evidence. You don't need to earn anything to get into it, and entry is capriciously given by one of the most notorious eccentrics and scumbags the business has ever known. The ceremony might be fun, and it means a lot to the inductees, but please don't pretend that an induction means anything when you go online to wage some kind of culture war.

Play To Your Roster's Strengths: On Seth Rollins' Star Turn

$
0
0
Rollins shone because he dictated his path, not management
Photo Credit: WWE.com
RAW has opened with a 20 minute promo so many times in its history, one can be forgiven if they watched last night, got nearly two-thirds of the way through the telecast before the first match ended, and were flabbergasted at the dedication served to an actual in-ring product that wasn't truncated, formulaic for television, or unimportant. Sure, the premise of it was, in a word, stupid if you didn't immerse yourself in the experience. Six days out from Elimination Chamber and putting all seven competitors in a grueling marathon match for zero stakes felt like the most Vince McMahon-as-demented-autocrat decision ever. However, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns from the beginning set the scene in a way that it demanded your attention to forget about the lack of tangible stakes outside of the classic "winner's purse" ploys that old school color commentators would dangle as a reason.

The first two falls of the match set such a steep tone for the night, not just because Rollins was going up against the present (Reigns) and the near past (John Cena). Chris Jericho did the same thing one snowy December night against Steve Austin and The Rock, and to this day, no matter how many times Michael Cole reminds the audience at home of this feat, it felt as if it had little to do with the mythmaking behind Jericho, not nearly as much as the 1,004 moves, the conspiracy victimhood, his confrontation with The Rock on his WWE debut, and even his cut-painfully-short star turn with [REDACTED] against Austin and Triple H earlier that year did to that point. I don't know if it was Attitude Era spillover in match layout or McMahon's obsession with fitting any heel shorter than he is into a prefab box that may or may not fit the person or just the fact that it all happened during one of the dreariest times on the WWE calendar, but it feels like an event that doesn't feel like the magnitude matches up with the hype.

Rollins made his two wins over Reigns and Cena work because he was left to cook in a role he's been meant to play since getting to the main roster. While The Shield wasn't necessarily a heroic outfit until later on in its first run, Rollins showed flashes of what would make him a huge sympathetic star with his propensity to either bump or do offense from ridiculous heights. To wit, the debut match at TLC '12, when Rollins dropped himself off the ladder staging near the top of entrance ramp to distract Ryback away from the ring and allow Reigns to get the fall on Daniel Bryan, it wasn't just manifestation of brilliant strategy that would mark the trio's in-ring oeuvre during that first run. It was foreshadowing to how Rollins could be one of the top guys in the biggest wrestling company in the world.

That's why turning him heel and not Reigns or even Dean Ambrose (extremely Ron Howard narrator voice — it should have been Reigns) was asinine. Every fiber of his being was geared towards being the best possible version of Jeff Hardy. Yet, someone in the front office or creative, might have been McMahon, might have been Paul Levesque, who knows, decided to try and stuff him into another prefab box he didn't quite fit into. They had him work as a methodical heel with tons of promo time, and honestly, while I know that run has its fans, it felt like an utter failure that was mercifully put out of its misery when Rollins unfortunately injured his knee in the fall of 2015.

Since coming back, Rollins has been trying to find his voice again, both in the ring and as a character, but it wasn't really until last night when he spoke loudest not with a microphone in his hand, but in his body language and with his moves and countermoves against Reigns and especially Cena. Cena was so effective in helping get bring out the best in Rollins because he's been in that position before, subtly working as a domineering heel regardless of macroalignment in front of a crowd that wanted to boo him against the hardcore-fan favorite with a few opponents, most notably CM Punk.

But it wasn't just his opponents doing heavy lifting. You could feel the pathos radiating from your screen as Rollins flailed with what seemed to be the last of his gastank before breaking out an even more impossible counter, each time escalating and escalating until he truly had nothing left succumbing to Elias over an hour after the match began. It was the kind of run that would get a documentary made for it if its equivalent happened in a real sport, and who knows, maybe in ten years, it'll warrant a 30 for 30 on ESPN in advance of a huge WrestleMania main event where Rollins tangles with Ambrose or Reigns or who knows, maybe even Kenny Omega or some far out shit that I can't even see.

When a wrestler is good, it's hard to fully repress their talents. Again, Rollins' run as a top heel had its fans. However, most of the time, when a talented worker has a lackluster run, no matter how much their natural abilities shine through, it'll make for tough viewing. Smackdown right now has that problem with Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. However, the inverse is almost always true too, that a marginal talent can be made fun or worthwhile to watch by amplifying their strengths. Extreme Championship Wrestling was brilliant because it was a promotion founded on those principles. The most, pardon the pun, extreme example was how it presented Sid for the short time he was in the company's employ. He would run in, powerbomb someone, and leave. Basically, it was everything that Sid did well (outside of cutting incomprehensible promos) in one small package that left a positive imprint on the program, no matter how god-awful he was otherwise.

So what happens when a company plays to a good wrestler's strengths? That's when you get an all-time talent on a memorable run. WWE started Rollins on that path last night, and if he fulfills his promise and becomes the dude everyone thought he could be, whether they saw it at TLC '12, in NXT/Florida Championship Wrestling, in Ring of Honor, or in the dirt Iowa/Chicagoland shindies he got his start in, it'll be because the managers finally got it through their heads that most of the time, the wrestler will tell them where they need to go, not the other way around. You know what happens when the other way around happens? You fucking get Chilly McFreeze in manifest. Don't ever tell me Vince McMahon is a genius again.

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 8

$
0
0
A BONA FIDE HALL OF FAMER
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Well, well, well, HORB FLERBMINBER is back to give you all the news you can shove into your shopping cart without tripping an alarm. How much is that, exactly? Well, it's WAY more than bottles of Malört at Binny's Beverage Depot, that's for sure. I KNOW THAT FROM EXPERIENCE. Anyway, I will have all the best news and opinions this week, WAY MORE than that hack Dave Meltzer. Did you know he trolls Tumblr for information to smear assault victims? That part isn't a joke. Fuck him. Anyway...

If you want the full HORB EXPERIENCE, then you have to do one of two things, preferably both. The first is follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Why would you NOT want to, unless you didn't want the most up-to-date news on things that matter without whining and complaining that I'm not getting the credit I deserve like Brad Shepard. Seriously, fuck him too. Also, you can get old issues of the newsletter that you can read on your own time instead of listening to Bryan Alvarez cover old news like it's current today. Fuck him the most. Where can you get them? Good question. And now, the news.

- Jeff Jarrett will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in this class, proving once and for all the potential for nepotism beneficiaries to fail up is infinite.

- When asked about why Jarrett was chosen for induction, Vince McMahon said "FRANKLY, I FELT BAD FOR FIRING HIM WHEN A WHITE MAN WITH CONNECTIONS AND FAMOUS FATHERS HAVE IT SO TOUGH IN THIS INDUSTRY. FUCK YOU."

- WWE announced the end of brand exclusive pay-per-view events. Now, pay-per-views will be happening all the time, and if you want to call yourself a fan, you must watch them in perpetuity lest you miss out.

- Seth Rollins tweeted about being in the gauntlet match Monday:

- Michael Elgin returned to the indies this past weekend with two surprise bookings at Rockstar Pro Wrestling and AAW. Now that fans shit all over him, promoters Sami Callihan and Danny Daniels are now emboldened to make the right choice and not book him again. So brave.

- Also, Sami Callihan has a history of abuse against ex-girlfriends. This one's not a joke.

- Ring of Honor has announced Honor Club streaming service. However, you need to sign up to find out what you're getting. Sinclair representative Shadowy Figure in a Trenchcoat said in response to my questioning, "Even though I'm pretty sure we can still sell a bunch of subs with our Trump Youth indoctrination reels, if we advertised them, the optics would be terrible."

- ROH has also announced Cody Rhodes vs. Flip Gordon for its Manhattan Mayhem show. If Rhodes wins, Gordon has to acknowledge that the world is a sphere.

- Pro Wrestling Insider reported Diamond Dallas Page was backstage at RAW Monday. I'd like to tell you why, but when I clicked on the hyperlink, my computer was infected with about 50 trojan horses, and now, I owe Yuri Zhetnev in Vladivostok 45,000 rubles to unlock all the programs.

- Kenny Omega has been confirmed for Chris Jericho's cruise. Why would he though? This doesn't make any sense. Omega and Jericho are FEUDING. They have HEAT. Why would they break kayfabe like this? I haven't taken a shit in five weeks.

- EVIL has been removed from the New Japan Anniversary show because he has been stabbed with a lance blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury. He'll be out for three-to-five weeks and come back rebranded as GOOD.

- Keiji Mutoh will be undergoing double knee replacement. He said, however, that he'll wrestle again as long as they don't have to remove his mist gland.

- Apollo Crews became simply Apollo this week because his surname sounded way too similar to the Parkland school shooter. Sources say he'll just be Ollo soon because apparently, Vince McMahon has just gotten into Greek mythology and finds it way too fucked up for human consumption.

- Three title matches have been set up for WWE Fastlane, and folks, they're all terrible.

- Matt Hardy vs. Bray Wyatt has been added to the Elimination Chamber card, which will further their endeavor to suck all the life out of the Woken Matt Hardy character once and for all.

- PWG REVEALS FULL CARD FOR TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE and with travel time, show time, and the refractory period after the show's over for when he needs to recover from his orgasmic fury, you'll have roughly 24 hours to plan your heist of Dave Meltzer's house so you can take back the Jewel of Antigua for the Society of Silence.

- James Ellsworth is creating an Intergender Championship out of spite because the NWA won't book him to win the Ten Pounds of Gold. Typical pervert behavior.

- Floyd Mayweather has shown interest in fighting in MMA, but only if he can go up against a fighter who is dumb enough to fall for his stall tactics in the Octagon. UFC officials are waiting to free up CM Punk for the fight.

- Jim Ross will do a one-man show April 5, which will just feature him wolf-whistling and saying SAUCE IT at female wrestlers' photos on Twitter.

Last week's poll results are in, and none of you think Great Power Uti is innocent of murdering his wife. A whopping 100 percent of you, however, stopped caring about him a week or so after that Colt Cabana podcast. This week:

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 225

$
0
0
Jarrett, in a WWE ring again? I'd bet on it.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

I don't think it's a matter of if but when, to be honest. He's going to be in the Hall of Fame, right? And Vince McMahon has a guitar-playing heel who'd probably generate a lot of fan reaction if he went face to face with Double J. Hell is freezing over, so you might as well go all the way with it and not wonder, but expect Jeff Jarrett to get another spin in a WWE ring once he's all clean and sober.

I'm sorry to be short and curt with this response, but my memory is not that good to make mental note of any Jarrett match, let alone a good one.

Note, I don't wish for Roman Reigns to tear his ACL. In fact, Reigns is in my ideal WrestleMania main event this year, not vs. Brock Lesnar, but vs. Braun Strowman. That being said, if Reigns were to come down with a debilitating injury, the backup plan of Strowman vs. Lesnar works even better than Reigns/Lesnar would (but not nearly as well as Reigns/Strowman would). Strowman has been rumored to be facing Miz at Mania for the Intercontinental Championship. Finn Bálor slides into that spot. The Mania card doesn't change that much afterwards, since I feel like Bálor was fodder for the Andre anyway. But I feel like those two matches are way more intriguing than Reigns/Lesnar and Strowman/Miz.

As an aside, if WWE did give the world Reigns/Strowman instead of Reigns/Lesnar this year, Lesnar would have gotten Bobby Lashley in my dream ideal booking. Don't tell me that match wouldn't rake, even if just from a oddity standpoint.

Not only would I eat it and not tweak it whatsoever, I would probably roll around in it.

Protected user @adamsgroove asks:
First 10 pics of this year's NFL Draft. Who ya got, and why?
1. Cleveland Browns - Josh Allen, QB, Wyoming - I don't have a high opinion of Allen, but the Browns will Browns until I see otherwise. The team needs a quarterback, and Allen has good scouting among the top of the class. Personally, he should be regarded where the old guard is scouting Lamar Jackson, and the former Heisman-winning QB should be in play for this spot. But hey, the league doesn't change overnight.

2. New York Giants - Josh Rosen, QB, UCLA - Rosen is a top QB prospect that I do like, and I think the Giants pick him over the pack because the team seems like it wants to move on from "distracting" players. Baker Mayfield caused some static with the old guard for reasons that I thought were stupid, but hey, I'm projecting here, not saying who should go.

3. Indianapolis Colts - Bradley Chubb, DE, North Carolina State - The Colts need defense. New coach Frank Reich can attest to that just having come from the SUPER BOWL CHAMPION PHILADELPHIA EAGLES, who won on on the strength of their defense (disregard the 33 points the Pats put up in the Super Bowl and concentrate on the whole season). A good defense starts at getting pressure, and Chubb is the best pass-rush prospect.

4. Browns - Saquon Barkley, RB, Penn State - Again, the Browns will Browns until further notice. I'd pick Minkah Fitzpatrick here, but the Browns need offense, and the clarion call of Barkley, even though picking running backs high is highly regarded as bad strategy, may be too hard to resist.

5. Denver Broncos - Quentin Nelson, G, Notre Dame - The Broncos feel like they'll be major players for Kirk Cousins, as I see general manager John Elway as seeing his roster close to a Super Bowl. This would require a reload rather than a rebuild. Plus, I'm not sure what the internal temperature on Paxton Lynch is either. Nelson would shore up an aging line and help get whatever QB the protection it needs.

6. New York Jets - Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma - The Jets are also players for Cousins, but they also don't have much else at the position and are further away from contention than the Broncos are. I feel like they would be better suited to go for a draft QB, and luckily for them, my projections have probably the best QB in the draft falling to them.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Minkah Fitzpatrick, FS, Alabama - The Bucs have a lot of holes, especially on a disappointing defense that tanked its playoff chances last year. Fitzpatrick is the best DB prospect out there, and he will help shore up the passing defense for a team that looks to get back to playoff contention.

8. Chicago Bears - Roquan Smith, LB, Georgia - While it might be more tempting to get Mitch "Kiss Them Titties" Trubisky weapons high, Smith is the best player available and a classic Bears LB prospect in the vein of Mike Singletary or Brian Urlacher. He would help turn a frisky Bears defense last year into a powerhouse one this year.

9. San Francisco 49ers - Calvin Ridley, WR, Alabama - The Niners just PAID Jimmy Garoppolo, so they probably feel the need to get him some weapons. The WR class from what I see around the mocks feels nowhere close to a consensus, but Ridley feels like a guy that would go high just because of his pedigree.

10. Arizona Cardinals (from the Oakland Raiders) - Sam Darnold, QB, USC - I would be shocked if a QB-needy team didn't trade up, and with Denver not taking a QB, that team, which I'm projecting to be the Cardinals here, won't have to trade up as far. Oakland needs players, and it can ransom quite a few picks for the chance to get the last highly-regarded QB in the draft. Of course, I'd take Lamar Jackson over Darnold any day, but I'm not a NFL GM. Why am I not a NFL GM? Don't answer that.

I was behind a car today while headed into the field for work. It had an "Eagles Super Bowl LII Champions" license plate holder. I started swelling up with joy that I almost did the E-A-G-L-E-S chant in my car. Suffice to say, I'm still pretty high and I don't know when I'll ever come down. GO BIRDS.

NXT In 60 Seconds

$
0
0
Cien 4, Tomasso 3, Johnny 0
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Remember when our champion looked more like the Mexican-American Male? Remember when Johnny Wrestling couldn't buy a win to save his life?

God's Production Team remembers. Title v. NXTenure is our main event.

Velveteen Dream: preens his way to the ring
Center Stagers: WHOO! Vel vet een! Vel vet een!
No Way Jose: dances his way to the ring
Center Stagers: Meh.
Jose: But... he's still a, and I'm, you guys realize that
Center Stagers: WE SAID MEH.
Jose: Say meh to these right hands and this plancha!
Center Stagers: Vel vet een! Vel vet een!
Jose: biels him across the ring a couple of times
Dream: I hear you, mortals. Okada level dropkick! Rolling DVD! Purple Rainmaker! Say the one thing I like in lieu of my name!
Referee: Winner!
Dream: picks up the mic
Center Stagers: Vel vet een! Vel vet een!
Dream: Your male competitor of the year...
Center Stagers: HOORAY!
Dream: Overall competitor of the year...
Center Stagers: HOORAY! AGAIN!
Dream: ...and the Match...of the Year...
Center Stagers: HOORAY FOR A THIRD TIME!
Dream: Aleister Black, Asuka, Tyler Bate? No one cares.
Center Stagers: laugh knowingly HOORAY!
Dream: The Dream's the one who's name is clearly on the tips of everyone's tongue here tonight.
Center Stagers: Vel vet een! Vel vet een!
Dream: And if you can't see it...then I just don't have time for you. poses 
Center Stagers: HOORAY! 

Master Regal: In two weeks, we will begin our third Dusty Classic tag team tournament. Dusty, as many of you know, was the godfather of NXT, and we are proud to do this once again in his honor. The winners of this iteration will get a shot at the NXT World Tag Team championships at Takeover: New Orleans.

Vanessa Borne: wheat
Nikki Cross: thresher Flying Crossbody! The Purge!
Referee: Winner!

Cien: comes out first, as is the champ's right
Johnny: comes out second, Candice joining him
Cien: semi-surprisingly beats Johnny on the mat early but can't nail the 100 Headaches
Johnny: gets control and sends Cien out
Zerlina: stands in the way of a Gargano tope
Candice: topes her out of the frame
Women: fight to the back
Cien: works over the arm for a segment and a half
Johnny: I'm not done just yet. Flying rana! Superman spear!
Drake: Kickout!
Cien: Deadlift buckle bomb! Corner Meteora!
Drake: Kickout!
Cien: And now, unto you, 100 Head...
Johnny: powers him repeatedly into the corner
Cien: throws him into the post
Johnny: superkicks him on the apronSuperman that Idolo!
Cien: Hold #47: ARMbar. 
Johnny: tries to roll through a couple of times to no avail
Cien: Look at this very unique submission move! HAHAHA!
Mauro: Of course, if anyone would know the counter to the Gargano Escape, it'd be Johnny Wrestling!
Cien: Enzui corner Meteora!
Drake: Kickout!
Cien: sets Johnny up on the top rope for the Avalanche Headaches
Johnny: gets free and shoves him to the floor
Cien: ow
Johnny: I got a headache for you — TOPE TORNADO DDT!
Cien: es muerte
Johnny: Slingshot DDT! Count!
Drake: One! Two!
Cien: es vivo
Both: trade blows
Cien: accidentally drills Drake with his rolling back elbow
Johnny: Gargano Escape! TAP! TAP! DO IT!
#TMFRHomasso: Well, since you asked. crutch shot
Cien: ...sometimes, the night is generous to me. 100 Headaches! Count!
Drake: One! Two! THREE! Winner!
Center Stagers: agahst
Mauro: saddened
Percy: angry
Nigel: I understand, but he DID make the decision to risk his NXTenu... oh, it's the too soon the Yanks talk about. I should've read the room. My apologies!
Team Idolo: wipe their hands clean of the whole thing, having swept the series, and admire the Big X on the ramp before leaving
Candice: comes back
Announcer: Just as a reminder, due to the stipulation, Johnny Gargano must leave NXT.
Center Stagers: NO! NO! NO! NO!
The Garganos: hug mid ring, then head up the ramp and to the back for what is certainly forever
Some Goateed Asshole In The Stands With A Bent Crutch: mockingly waves goodbye

A Whole Lot of Thoughts about Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, Braun Strowman, Elimination Chamber, and WrestleMania

$
0
0
Reigns winning the Chamber was the right call, but is his WrestleMania opponent the same?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
So, Elimination Chamber was a decent enough show. Nia Jax and Asuka went out and had a Match of the Year candidate, Ronda Rousey had her road to WrestleMania mapped out through MCMAHON COUNTRY, Alexa Bliss MADE HISTORY thanks to Sasha Banks and Bayley finally coming to the first real blows since Takeover: Respect, and The Bar kept their RAW Tag Team Championships. However, the narratives shifted and focused on one singular decision, which felt like it was set in stone since at least SummerSlam, Roman Reigns ending up as Brock Lesnar's opponent for WrestleMania 34. If you have an intense feeling of deja vu over this, congratulations, you're justified. Reigns once again heads into Mania challenging for a title against a mostly vacant part-timer after a Royal Rumble took place in Philadelphia. The main difference is that Reigns got there via other means, namely the Elimination Chamber.

Honestly, Reigns winning a match to get to the main event, or to A main event of WrestleMania wasn't exactly a bad call, no matter what any of the chatter from dissident fans and critics might suggest. Reigns is ostensibly set to close his fourth WrestleMania in a row, a number not really seen since Hulk Hogan went on last in the scheduled match from Mania V through VIII, with an additional coda coming in IX when he felled Yokozuna in an impromptu "encore" main event after the giant defeated Bret Hart in the promoted main. Hogan to that point had headlined seven of the eight flagships, taking a break only at IV, when Randy Savage defeated Ted DiBiase in the final match of the WWE Championship tournament that was held over the course of the entire event. He's not a lock to close the show, mind you. If the rumored John Cena vs. the Undertaker has a career vs. career stipulation attached to it, you can bet that match has a good shot to go on last. Conversely, if WWE is out here having women MAKING HISTORY, then either Asuka vs. Charlotte Flair (the rumored match for the women's Rumble winner at current time) or Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle vs. Stephanie McMahon and Triple H could headline. Mania is known for having "multiple" main events, you see, and WWE will try to sell you that no matter what goes on last, every match that is sold as a main event is one.

But honestly, if WWE is going to be redoing Mania 31's main event, Reigns/Lesnar II should get the same slot Reigns/Lesnar I got. The problem I have with all of it though is that II shouldn't be necessary. Whether or not I agreed at the time, Reigns going over Lesnar in that main event was the right call. The Seth Rollins cash-in was fun and a great "moment," and lord knows WWE loves to jack off to the moments it creates, but ultimately, it was destructive to the progression of Reigns as "The Guy" and led to one of the most disastrous title reigns in company history. Still, even with the mistakes of the past looming large and unable to be changed, analyzing last night's match is more complicated than yelling at the dissatisfied that they're wrong (which fuck man, don't do that) or saying "LOL REIGNS WINS AGAIN."

The Right and Wrong Decision

Again, Reigns standing tall at the end of the match was the right call. WWE had a story to tell with Reigns entering WrestleMania as the huge underdog Champion, even without surfing the waves of time and changing the past. Well, at least it wouldn't have taken too far to travel back in time to change. Basically, the main event of this year's Granddaddy of Them All should have been Universal Champion Braun Strowman defending against a Reigns who had one last chance to vanquish his greatest foe from the last year for good.

For a company that hasn't gotten long-term storytelling right a whole lot in the last 20 years, the writers and executive decision makers on the RAW side set up a scenario where Reigns and Strowman were on an ultimate collision course for Mania, starting even before last year's big event. The extent to which it caught fire in the summer feels unprecedented for two post-WCW buyout WWE wrestlers who didn't have prior hardcore fan cache and were built totally from the ground up on RAW. And yet, with the wars they had and the memorable encounters they engaged in outside of actual matches, their feud never finished with one, climactic showdown. After SummerSlam, where the focus was shared with Samoa Joe and Lesnar, each went his separate way with major issues dangling. Reigns was drawn away via the clarion call of a war with John Cena, dealing with The Miz, and reuniting The Shield, and Strowman got sucked in a black hole vortex with post-usefulness Kane. Their one collision in that time that was scheduled got derailed thanks to some kind of microbial infection that kept Reigns out of the big five-on-three handicap match headlining TLC.

Still, Strowman WASN'T FINISHED WITH Reigns yet, and frankly, the reciprocal was the same too. Reigns never proved he could defeat the Monster among Men in definitive fashion. Every victory by either man felt incomplete. Sometimes, Pyrrhic victories can have resolution, but every time Reigns and Strowman thrashed each other, it didn't feel like it was truly over, which is what made it special. Every time they fought, they caused the equivalent damage of destroying Tokyo (and Yokohama, and Chiba, and well, the surrounding area of prefectures stretching from the Pacific Ocean to the Sea of Japan), and yet they kept getting back up to throw hands, whether or not they were "medically cleared."  It was a feud that maybe not from Fastlane of last year, but at least from the summer felt like it was destined to end in a clash of the titans at WrestleMania.

Even if WWE was never planning on going that direction, it definitely built infrastructure for that story. Strowman had tension with Lesnar that he still hasn't resolved despite having two run-ins with him, once in a solo match at No Mercy and another in a triple threat with Kane at the Royal Rumble. Either one of those matches would've been perfect opportunities to transition the Universal Championship onto Strowman to set up a final showdown at Mania. Even though it would've had a lot more impact to have Strowman pin Lesnar clean, you could've had the funny-business decision of Kane eating the fall. But instead, WWE stayed the course in the name of...

Long-Term Storytelling?

The best long-term story WWE has ever told was a love story that lasted longer than the couple did in real life, and oftentimes, it took a backseat to the major thing that the guy was doing at the time. I've definitely romanticized Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth my fair share because honestly, it was an anomaly for anything Vince McMahon booked, even if Savage's cruel treatment of Elizabeth cast a lot of the heartwarming story development in a pall. Still, it's hard imagining McMahon or even Paul Levesque (for as much as everyone seems to think he's the messiah) committing to a story like that for as long as it went on, especially with the breakneck pace of narrative shift that goes on thanks to 52 weeks a year of new, first-run content in bulk. A more comparable example that would still suffer from the same pitfalls of modern booking today was a chapter in that longer story, the Mega Powers. It provided the platonic ideal for WWE's yearly booking model. It's where people get the idea that McMahon has a main event for the next year's Mania written down before this year's version is even finished. If it had happened in the era of Monday Night RAW, Savage and Hulk Hogan vs. DiBiase and Andre the Giant would've headlined Payback instead of SummerSlam, Savage would've accused Hogan of having jealous eyes the next night on RAW, and the Mega Powers EXPLOSION would've concluded no later than Money in the Bank.

In the age of compressive storytelling, the fact that McMahon seems to have laid off the easy route of having Reigns go over Lesnar in short order within a year of WrestleMania 31 feels anomalous, so much so that it is being analyzed by some as "long-term storytelling." On the surface, maybe it is. One could see the path laid out that Reigns had to go into the wilderness, hunt for some big game prizes to find himself or level up so to speak before coming back and taking Lesnar in a rematch, except a lot of that analysis relies on the headcanon that Reigns was singularly taken by the fact he couldn't beat Lesnar, that Triple H and Undertaker were substitutes that didn't fill his craving to take out the best. Admittedly, the best stories are left open to interpretation, and if supplemental understanding of what is being presented to an audience is what's needed to enhance viewing, then it's not anyone's place to discredit it as invalid at least on a personal level. Wrestling is nothing without audience participation, after all. Why limit it to noises created at an event and not strains to the story added by creative consumers?

That being said, storyteller intent is always an important thing to look at, and Reigns was never presented as the Rocky Balboa to Lesnar's Apollo Creed at WrestleMania 31. Reigns didn't lose the match; Rollins usurped his moment, and thus Reigns' heat transferred from Lesnar to his former Shield brother. At the time, it wasn't seen as the first stroke in a master story. Dirtsheet minds saw it as a "political hit." Real critical analysis was more muddled, probably as best recollected more focused on Rollins' cash-in than anything else. But anytime Reigns has mentioned it since the fact, he's mentioned it as a victory that was never really official. It's not the proverbial white whale. The Triple H and Undertaker feuds were not attempts at filling any void, at least in the narrative sense. If anything, the Trips match at Mania 32 was the logical end of what started with Rollins' cash-in the year before. Whether or not that was the intended final match or not (Rollins suffered a knee injury between the two signposts) isn't as important as the fact that that arc in and of itself felt like something planned out a year in advance. Whether or not it was the right story to tell is another thing altogether, reiterating that Rollins' title reign was a dreadful misallocation of his talents, and Triple H probably should've hung the boots up after Daniel Bryan vanquished him two years prior at Mania XXX. The Undertaker thing felt like something McMahon threw against the wall because he had nothing else to slot for Reigns and thought for sure Taker was hanging 'em up for good. Oops.

WWE is infamous for talking the talk and not really walking the walk, but it has caused a lot of its fans and critics to do the same. If something looks like it's taken a long time to develop, then it must be long-term storytelling right? Again, that's dirtsheet mind, Dave Meltzer-level analysis, which is fine if you want to look at money and shit, but if you want to look at wrestling as a performance art, even as one that is staged for lengths and in circumstances that are wholly unique to any other staged media, you have to look more critically than an eye-test. WWE has really given no clues that Reigns/Lesnar II was always the endgame. Reigns hasn't designed his character to beat Lesnar as much as he has to beat "all comers" or be The Guy. For him, the WWE Championship or claiming Undertaker's yard were good enough trophies. Where was the sense of longing? Where was the exposition that showed him always with an eye askance towards the monitor when Paul Heyman was gassing his bag about "my client?" Headcanon is a nice supplement, but you can't sell me a bill of goods based on personal interpretation when that personal interpretation may be as unique as that person's DNA. Authorial intent matters, and I've seen nothing really in WWE's narrative process that tells me that Reigns has a Lesnar-sized hole in his soul that he needs to fill with victory. The long-term storytelling is just not there on WWE's end, at least not for the three year period that some want to give it credit for.

Long-Term vs. The Hot Hand

However, I can cop that maybe McMahon made the call last year to have Lesnar regain the Universal Championship and Reigns (possibly) retire Undertaker to put them on a collision course for Mania this year. When Strowman caught fire the way he did, and honestly, no one in the company got as organically red hot as Strowman did since CM Punk in 2011 (or Daniel Bryan in 2013/14, your choice), it brought up the question as to what you go with, a vision you've had for a year or more, or something that comes up and just cannot be denied? One can glibly state that "plans change" all the time in WWE, but if one is to be real, week-to-week operations of a monolithic entity that produces SO MUCH content like WWE are insignificant compared to a greater direction. It's easier to change the main event of WWE Wrestling Match: The Pay-Per-View than it is to change that of WrestleMania, much in the same way it's easier for, say, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to course-correct new characters like Nikki and Paolo in season three of LOST in an episode's time than it would be for them to change the endgame of the entire series even as they got within a year or two of the finale.

But with wrestling, sometimes you get phenomena that are way too big to be denied, and it's not a question that's easily answered, but yet so many other times, WWE opted for choices that were similar to headlining with another Reigns/Strowman battle. It loves recycling matchups for weeks, months, sometimes years (remember the endless cycle of Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston matches, many times for a secondary title? PEPPERIDGE FARM REMEMBERS). It's almost like McMahon hasn't heard of the Law of Diminishing Returns, and yet he has in front of him a match if done one more time would land with the greatest magnitude. The new thing might not be sustainable, sure, but in this case, if Strowman falters after Mania (and I see no signs he will, but hey, I've been wrong before), he got a big-time, climactic battle of the titans out of him. If he falters after Mania as planned, he'll do so as a footnote in Miz's career if that Intercontinental Championship match happens as planned.

So then the question becomes "Is putting Reigns over Lesnar now more important than striking on the hottest iron in the company in the last three years?" In honesty, the booking move feels like one of regret, that McMahon feels like he should have put Reigns over Lesnar three years ago. You can't turn back time, even if that would be the best way to fix this entire situation, at least from a critical standpoint. I can't see the year that Strowman had where he was arguably RAW's protagonist, or at least a co-headliner with Reigns, and not put him in a feature match because you have to divvy up prime real estate for characters artificially in the top tier like Stephanie McMahon, Triple H, or even Kurt Angle. It's not to say they shouldn't be on the card and someone like The Bar should be given a main event shot because they've been around longer or whatever, but the physics of storytelling almost demand that Strowman is in the final showdown in Mania this year, against the guy he carried the narrative with. Of course the question then becomes what would you do with Lesnar, and honestly, you could do anything with him if you think he's a draw, whether or not the numbers bore out. Hell, I'd have fast-tracked a match against Bobby Lashley or maybe fed Jinder Mahal to him finally. I don't know. But he didn't feel as important to RAW or even WWE on the whole as Strowman and Reigns did.

So now, WWE has arrived at the precipice of WrestleMania with its vision, and it's one that a lot of people will sign up for to get excited for. I'm not naive enough to think that the dissatisfaction in the bubble of people I hang around with online is enough to say this is a bad call, but honestly, what the people want is hardly reason enough for entertainment producers to do anything. A good wrestling promotion does fanservice. A great wrestling promotion makes the fans want what you're giving them anyway, right? However, Reigns/Lesnar II from a critical standpoint doesn't feel like the right call. It feels like the decision of a regretful storyteller who can't retcon a bad decision out of existence with a fictional deus ex machina and must work within the confines of real life and the timespace continuum to fix that error. I'm sure it'll be a good match, and I'm sure the almighty dollars won't be too far off the mark. Sometimes though, I just wish the people who made wrestling stopped being carnies and started being artists, even if that's a tall order for the biggeset wrestling promotion in the world with tangible ties to the fucking Trump administration. C'est la vie.

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for February 26, 2018

$
0
0
Braun Strowman has become Death, Destroyer of Chambers
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 1) - Strowman didn't win the Chamber match but he pretty much made Roman Reigns' job easy for him. I mean, he eliminated an entire normal Elimination Chamber's worth of competitors last night. Technically, he should be given some kind of win, but you know the Monster Among Men isn't content taking technicalities. My guess is he'll go and level North Henderson tonight in retaliation. Or maybe just kick Reigns across the arena again. It's an either/or proposition.

2. Asuka (Last Week: 6) - Asuka's win over Nia Jax was less dominant than Strowman's losing effort, but still, man, that was one of the most unique matches I've seen in WWE in awhile. The Four Horsewomen get all the credit, but the division is going to evolve and grow with Asuka, because she's got the power to make that happen.

3. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 2) - The Sixers haven't lost since the Super Bowl still. Embiid is still pretty much destroying people in one-on-one matchups. I know none of this can last forever, but man, wouldn't it be sweet to see Embiid reach his limit break and just will the Sixers to an upset in the first round of the playoffs over a higher seed? It'd be most delicious if it were the Celtics.

4. Fred Yehi (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Yehi has declined to sign an extension with WWN Live, which many consider to be a sign he's going to WWE. But I prefer to think of him as using his time to teach grappling to underprivileged victims of bullying. It all starts out with a good shriek of "YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!" anyway.

5. John Shuster (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The United States took home the gold in curling thanks to Shuster's direction. Curling has a cult following, and why not? You push a rock across ice and prepare its path with brooms. Gotta love it.

6. Chuck Taylor (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Taylor was announced for the New Japan Cup, which is exciting because someone weird always wins that, and Taylor qualifies as, well, a weird choice. Also, he selflessly offered to wrestle in a "bra and panties match" with another dude in Beyond Wrestling, not to make fun of those who have wrestled in one before, but to show solidarity with them. What a guy!

7. Nick Gage (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Joey Janela threw a chair at his head during their Beyond Wrestling match Saturday, and Gage still posed for a picture with him because well, game respect game. Janela also wasn't really wearing much of anything on his bottom, which made it all the more poignant, I suppose.

8. Wawa Breakfast Burritos (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Wawa has a good made-to-order game, and it's part of the reason why I love my city. You can also get sundried tomato pesto spread on them, and folks, that's a game-changer.

9. These Two Kids Trying to Sneak Into Black Panther (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I can't hate on these kids for pulling the old Vincent Adultman gag from Bojack Horseman. They just wanted to see the hottest movie this side of the Sun.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Lorcan Man. Lorcan Man. Does whatever porkin he can.

WWE Home Video Classics: Wrestlefest '93

$
0
0

The WWE Network has uploaded nearly 40 Coliseum Home Video releases from the late 80's and early 90's. Elliot is here to help you wade through the riches and see what is worth watching.

THE SKITS/RUNNING BITS

Wrestlefest '93 opens with Mean Gene Okerlund and Bobby Heenan driving down a lonely freeway. Heenan is riding shotgun and being a terrible map-reader. Okerlund notices that their car is overheating and the engine is dying. So they pull to the side of the road, and they begin arguing about how to fix the car.

As the matches on this videotape unfold, we periodically revisit Okerlund and Heenan. Heenan is under the hood and getting grease on his face. He doesn't know how to fix the car, but of course he won't admit that, so he just yells at Okerlund. Eventually, he figures out the problem: there is a hamster in the engine. Just... a hamster. That's it.

Oh, and the video ends with the guys hitchhiking and getting someone to stop for them, but Okerlund gets in the car and it takes off before Heenan can get in.

I adore anything involving Heenan, and Okerlund is usually fun, but this was just flat out interminable. They put in no effort to actually be funny or to come up with a funny situation. Not even their improvised dialogue connects very well, and then the payoff to the whole car thing is a slap to the face. Why a hamster? That makes no sense. Hamsters aren't even funny.

NOTABLE MOMENTS ON COMMENTARY

Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes handle the bulk of these matches. Sean Mooney permanently sounds like a bemused man who has just wandered into the recording studio, having never seen wrestling and not really knowing how to react to it. He extends this curious, childish wonder to other aspects of the world, which results in this delightful exchange:

Mooney: Do you really think Papa Shango can turn someone into a zombie? Is there any truth to being the living dead?

Lord Alfred: I don't doubt it. I mean, it's been going on for years, and no one has disproven it yet. 

Lord Alfred seems to have an open mind about everything.

Also, being a British man, he clues us in on what's going on across the pond:

Lord Alfred: In Europe, they regard The Undertaker as a sex symbol! What could they be DOING over there that we don't know about??

Dude, I have no idea, but now I'm imagining early 90's Undertaker in a Mark Wahlberg-ish Guess Jeans ad, and I am positive the early 90's ladies would have been way into that.

Perhaps the most racially troubling, or just confusing, moment of commentary comes when Lord Alfred says Virgil has a good chance of withstanding a Shawn Michaels chinlock because "he has a very big jaw." However, that does explain why Hulk Hogan just couldn't seem to get the better of Jay Leno.

MATCHES YOU SHOULD WATCH

Bret Hart vs. Kamala - Bear with me on this, but Kamala actually works kind of hard here! He does a spinkick, a leapfrog, AND a monkey flip. Where else will you see that?

Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair - This is their "Loser Leaves Town" match from one of the very first episodes of Monday Night RAW. I have no idea why they included a high-profile TV match on this tape when everything else is house show stuff, but I will not complain about seeing two excellent performers go at it.

MATCHES YOU SHOULD NOT WATCH

Everything else. The wrestling on this tape is mostly a bland waste of time. But just to clarify:

Money Inc. vs. The Nasty Boys - Way too long and boring.

Papa Shango vs. Crush - It ends with an awful DQ in which Shango shoots some sparklers into Crush's face.

Rick Martel vs. Big Boss Man - No thanks.

Earthquake vs. Repo Man - Oh, absolutely not.

Shawn Michaels vs. Virgil - Shawn wins with a side slam, back when they thought that would be a good finish.

Undertaker vs. Berzerker - Slow Dead Man version of Taker against a screaming idiot.

IRS vs. Jim Duggan - I'll be honest, I didn't even bother with this one.

Razor Ramon vs. El Matador - Only worth it for Lord Alfred finding about 100 different ways to roll his tongue when he says "Ramon."

Owen Hart, Koko B. Ware, and El Matador vs. The Nasty Boys and Repo Man - Skip to the end when the babyfaces win by DQ, they all hug, but then Koko starts hopping up and down in a circle for no reason, which forces Owen and Tito to do the same even though it makes them all look like tiny children.

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 9

$
0
0
FINALLY, ROUSEY DEVELOPS A SECOND FACIAL EXPRESSION
Photo Credit: WWE.com
So, you need the news, eh? You need it so bad that you can taste it, that you ACHE FOR IT. Well, you're in luck because HORB FLERBMINBER IS BACK WITH MORE INFORMATION THAN YOUR PUNY BRAINS CAN HANDLE. I bring so much news to the table that even Justin Barrasso is embarrassed. AND HE'S CO-OPTED BY WWE. I once reported something that made Vince McMahon cry. Sure, it was that I was carrying a letterbomb full of atomized onion that exploded in his face, causing him the MOST PAINFUL PAIN HE'S EVER FELT, but hey, I take things on technicalities. IT COUNTS.

Of course, you could just read the newsletter and think to yourself, "Oh, I've had enough." Well, you'd be WRONG, because you can NEVER HAVE ENOUGH HORB, you peon. NEVER. First, follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Where else can you see me hoot and holler while Eric Bischoff owns Dave Meltzer? NOWHERE, that's where. Also, you can see me follow up that hooting and hollering by making Bischoff click on a link to goatse, because NO ONE IS A GOOD GUY IN THESE TWITTER WARS EXCEPT HORB. You can also check out back issues of the newsletter, like these:

And now, the news:

- Ronda Rousey signed her contract at Elimination Chamber and is now property of WWE. Wait, that can't be right, chattel slavery was outlawed in 1865 with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution. Why would WWE use such language?

- Rousey made her official debut in the company by taking the arm she held aloft pointing at the WrestleMania sign, placing it her side, and turning her smile into a scowl to show how mad she was at Stephanie McMahon.

- Other Elimination Chamber results: Braun Strowman was BURIED after eliminating everyone in the Chamber except Roman Reigns and attacking Reigns after the match to get his heat back by taking the pin.

- In other Chamber news, WWE is quickly thinking of a way where it can invent a deus ex machina for Seth Rollins to use to interrupt this year's Reigns/Brock Lesnar match because time is a flat circle.

- RAW RESULTS: Triple H introduced The Knockout Game to RAW by playing it with Kurt Angle.

- Kane was also backstage at RAW, but thankfully, he was not used on RAW because Vince McMahon finally moved his bowels after three weeks of constipation and wasn't in a mood to punish the audience anymore.

- Brock Lesnar no-showed Elimination Chamber and RAW. The latter event was fodder for a Roman Reigns SHOOT on him missing the show. Even though he wasn't scheduled for the Chamber at all, this all screams SHOOT to me, because it is extremely commonplace for wrestling companies to address contractor no-shows by letting other contractors air their grievances unscripted all the time. No chance this is all a work. NO CHANCE, I SWEAR TO GOD.

- Lesnar was photographed in Las Vegas with Dana White Sunday night. White said that he thinks Lensar has a "very, very, very good chance" of returning to UFC, which signifies that the company will no longer comply with USADA anti-doping standards.

- White also said that he has no interest in promoting Tito Ortiz vs. Chuck Liddell because Liddell "shouldn't be fighting." He then added, "Hey, do you wanna know who CM Punk's next opponent is? It's a real barnburner!"

- John Cena has been given a shot to be in the Fastlane main event, which is why wrestling needs socialism NOW.

- Cena's new rumored opponent for WrestleMania is Rey Mysterio, Jr., who has been reported as signed back with the company starting WrestleMania. Mysterio will wrestle Jushin Thunder Liger for New Japan Pro Wrestling's Strong Style Evolved on March 25 in Long Beach, CA, two weeks before Mania. I expect Mysterio to break his deal with WWE as soon as he finishes wrestling Liger because HOW DO YOU DOWNGRADE THAT MUCH IN A SPAN OF TWO WEEKS? GOD DAMN, WWE IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN NEW JAPAN, GOD.

- The Young Bucks will be moving up to the heavyweight tag division. They've been preparing by eating non-stop at In 'N Out and brushing their teeth with beef tallow instead of toothpaste.

- Flip Gordon gave a teaser about being in Best of the Super Juniors, but little does he know that you have to believe in a spherical Earth to compete in that tournament. Flat-Earthers are only allowed to compete in the New Japan Cup and Tag League.

- Trent Berretta suffered a torn bicep and pectoral muscle when Jay White stabbed him for calling him a "knife pervert."

- Bianca Belair also was injured over the weekend by furiously tweeting to keep up with the dogpile Mandy Rose, Paige, and Goldust laid on her for something stupid. I don't even remember why. Christ, is this wrestling or high school?

- Fred Yehi and EVOLVE have announced an amicable parting of ways. While many consider this an informal confirmation of Yehi's signing with WWE, my sources tell me that it's for him to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a Chris Rock impersonator.

- Jarrius "JJ" Robertson, a young fan battling a rare liver disease, will receive the Warrior Award this year at the Hall of Fame inductions. People are quick to note that Warrior wanted his award to go to backstage people who worked out of the spotlight, and while those people deserve recognition, I'd like to note that if the notion of Christian postmortem justice exists, then Warrior is probably roasting in Hell for being a terrible person in life, so who the fuck cares what he would have wanted in the first place.

- FOX Sports executives were spotted in the front row on Smackdown last night, fueling rumors that WWE is looking to change networks once its contract is up. However, all interest from FOX died once they realized they were watching Smackdown.

- The California State Athletic Commission has revoked Jon Jones' fighting license and fined him $205,000 for snorting imported Colombian cocaine instead of product grown from fresh, local, organic coca plants in California. This news item has been sponsored by the California Farmers' Association.

- WWE has announced it will be adding a bunch of episodes of All-Star Wrestling from the late '70s to the Network, meaning I have that much more content I can assign my staff to review in lieu of paying attention to indie wrestling.

- AroLucha will be taping the first season of its television show in Nashville later this month, and judging by the title of the first episode, "The Night of the Long Knives," it's going to be bloody!

- Dave Meltzer noted that Ric Flair turned 69 recently, making a backhanded comment about how one could make the easiest joke in the world because of it. I assume it's because he hasn't reached the section of Tumblr where people make current 69 jokes.

Last week's poll results are in to split results. Only 34 percent of you think Kenny Omega and Kota Ibushi will remain faithful to each other, while 26 think Cody Rhodes will cause Ibushi to be the cuck. Another 24 percent think Omega will be the cuck, while 16 percent think it will end in one great big orgy. I'm with the last group, to be honest. This week:

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 226

$
0
0
Why does Mania not have the luster it once had for some fans?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

I have two reasons, one is more personal, one might explain objectively why Mania could be feeling less special by the year. I'm going to go with the "objective" one first. If you remember back to the WrestleMania events when you were a kid, the common theme was that they, with some exception, featured matches with people who were there all year long on the marquee role in some kind of culminating story. WrestleMania V, for example, was the resolution to the Mega Powers EXPLODING. VI featured Hulk Hogan passing the torch to Ultimate Warrior (this before Warrior fumbled it and nearly set fire to the entire WWE at the time). WrestleMania XII had two rivals going head-to-head in an epic by design, and so on and so forth. Now it feels like Mania is less about the people on the roster and more like Vince McMahon trying to puff out his chest for the almighty "casual" fan who liked it when The Rock and Steve Austin were around or some shit. That's how you get from the tailor-made main event of Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman to McMahon straining to do what he should've done three years ago. The dynamic has changed. Mania's no longer about a year end culmination of things, but it's basically wrestling's Catalina Wine Mixer, and god help anyone if they bust McMahon's nut.

The second, just as likely reason, is you're growing older and your tastes are changing. Your perspectives are maturing and growing. Maybe Mania has always been this oddball thing that no one really could classify and what you look for in your wrestling, your entertainment, is changing. While I think the "objective" argument has more than enough merit, it could be that even if WWE perfectly set up its year so that Mania maximized drama and story for the important members of the roster, you might still look at it as not as special as it used to be.

And that's okay.

No one is expected to like the same things in the exact same way for their entire lives. People can be lifelong fans of something and never like it or consume it in the exact same way when they've finished with that thing, through death or disinterest, they did when they first started. Maybe your wrestling fandom gives you little spikes each week instead of one giant endorphin rush on a set date on the calendar. Maybe your WrestleMania happens on 205 Live when Drew Gulak does a PowerPoint presentation on why if you do a quebrada during your match, you're going to Hell. Maybe you've moved on from WWE altogether and now feel the anticipation when WrestleKingdom or the Battle of Los Angeles, or, for whatever reason, TripleMania comes up on the slate. I can't really pinpoint exactly why you yourself feel that Mania isn't as special as it once was. However, it's undeniable that Mania now is far different than what Mania was even ten years ago. That part may or may not be okay, but that's fodder for a whole other blog post.

Fuck, Bagel, because hey, it already has the hole in it.

STOP BOOING ME.

Marry, ciabatta, because I prefer to have my sandwiches with structural integrity, and a nice crusty piece of Italian bread does that.

Kill, sliced off a loaf. I hate to kill any kind of bread, because carbs are good, but hey, them's be the rules.

Any comeback from an offseason would have to entail some kind of easing back into the schedule, which really is what a sports preseason is all about, right? So yeah, if WWE implemented an offseason, imagine its preseason/spring training (or in this case, like, winter training since ideally, the offseason would be from Survivor Series until the Rumble) being just a bunch of jobber matches to get the stars back into a ring rhythm.

At first, I didn't think the two correlated that well, but then again, one hour a week means you limit the content that you have to film, and thus, the content that any single person on the roster has to be involved in. It's an artificial restraint, but with WWE it helps, although probably not as much as the mentality behind booking NXT. I mean, nothing is stopping Paul Levesque and company from spamming Johnny Gargano and Ember Moon every week, much like if RAW were one hour, Vince McMahon wouldn't hesitate from blasting you with Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins and whatever other tertiary babyface they'd be pushing that cycle every week. But again, having the economy of time is a big plus, because the temptation to have, say, Gargano come out and say "Tommaso Ciampa is a wing dong sing song dingalingaming mong" in addition to the other stuff he's doing regularly isn't there because the time just isn't in the budget.

Normally, if I don't have a suitable answer for a question, I'd just tell the person on Twitter to ask another, but I will take the L here and say that I have not listened to any complete Ramones album, just a smattering of songs. Why did I field the question, you might ask? I have no idea. Maybe I just wanted to self-flagellate. Maybe it's a reminder to look for Ramones albums on Spotify now that I've been asked. Or maybe it's just an excuse to post this .gif:

"Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed."

Protected user @adamsgroove asks:
Is there anyone on the WWE roster that should go back down to NXT? Just feels like a lot of call-up people still look kinda lost / rusty...
Honestly, I don't think rust is the issue. I think being lost in the shuffle/WWE's lack of roster management is, but if they go back to NXT, where will they fit? NXT is bursting at the seams with talent that needs to be focused as well. WWE either needs to reorganize RAW and Smackdown so that each show has a viable midcard that has time to grow and get over, or it needs to release some dudes (and I mean just dudes, because the women roster is thin and needs to fill out before it can feel bloated).

It's hard to say because it's very hard to say if the Reigns experiment is working right now or not. Yeah, dork-ass motherfuckers like to boo him, but he's still getting crowd reactions and pushing merchandise. It's hard to say if he's a draw though, because how do you measure who's a draw or not in this day and age without having to pull out HOUSE SHOW NUMBERZZZZZZ (which to me feel like more of a bonus in this day and age of weekly cable shows and the Network rather than a driving point like they were back in the day). But it's also valid that McMahon might have a quicker trigger with Reigns as THE GUY and instead go with more of a varied roster of top dudes. Of course, if he had LEGITIMATE competition, who's to say most of his top guys right now wouldn't be on the other roster? It's hard to say either way because for so long, WWE has been the only game in town and all perceptions are still sort of trained on 20 years ago, which is still pretty warped to think about now.

For right now, my favorite is a roll of the die among Asuka, Sasha Banks, and Nikki Cross, all for different reasons. WWE has done a good job culling the indie scene to get itself top female talent after a long time of trying to develop from other sources, and while the company has had some success stories (Nikki Bella being one of them), it shows how much it's benefited from being able to poach from a fully-formed scene. But none of them have as high a ceiling as Bianca Belair does. Once she cultivates a personality that works for her, she could be the combination of WRESTLER and CULT OF PERSONALITY that the company has been looking for, or at least the one it thought it had with Bayley before McMahon got his greasy paws all over her in terms of character development. That still bums me out, by the way.

NXT In 60 Seconds

$
0
0
A champion concerned about all this white-on-white violence
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Velveteen Dream: comes out to his usual big heel pop
Tyler Bate: gets a smaller pop
Both: go catch as can on the mat, Bate World of Sporting it up and sends Dream scurrying
Dream: throws a fit outside
Bate: grooms the 'stache
Dream: gets control back from break and works over the back
Bate: fires back with some forearms and a boot Exploder!  Airplane spin!  Rebound lariat!
Dream: No, no and no.  Spine on the pine!
Bate: Negative.  Euros!  And now to
Dream: Crotch you on the top rope and hit the Purple Rainmaker?  I concur.
Referee: Winner!
Dream: poses 

Paul Ellering: My authors became immortalized in "last year's" Dusty Classic.  Other teams have stars in their eyes, but we see the truth: this is our road back to our titles.
His Authors: yell in Samoan or possibly Albanian but also note We will take back our titles.  All will suffer.  War is our peace.

Cezar Bononi: comes out to no reaction
Some Guy With Championship Backup: ADAM COLE, BAY BAY! 
Center Stagers: respond in kind
ACBB: Cezar, relax for a minute.  Look who I'm in the ring with, you guys — the 2017 Future Star of the Year. It's a big deal; give him a round of applause.  starts clapping
Center Stagers: small, respectful bout of clapping
ACBB: Listen: a Future Star...belong in the Era.
Kyle O'Reilly, MMA Enthusiast: tosses him a shirt
Center Stagers: DO IT!  DO IT!
ACBB: lays him out and stomps him down, fives his comrades ADAM COLE, BAY BAY!
Cezar: kicks him down, lays out the champs individually and lands a Michinoku Driver, then yells at the champs
ACBB: Thankyew SUPERKICK!  Enzui Wizard!
Referee: Winner!
ACBB: lands some stomps after the bell Only the best...only the Undisputed.

 
Shayna: piefaces Kairi to start then starts landing strikes and knees
Kairi:dodges a corner knee in the second act Double handed chops!  Interceptor!  Slidng D!  Top rope flying forearm!
Referee: Kickout!
Kairi: URAKEN!  And now, time for the
Shayna: Roundhouse kick to the head and Kirifuda Driver.  Couldn't agree more.
Kairi: taps
Center Stagers: BOO!
Referee: Winner!
Shayna: (yelling at the announce) Ember's a coward!  She won't get back in the ring with me because I'd leave with her title or a limb!  stomps off to the back

Zerlina Vega: Welcome the greatest champion in NXT history, Mr. 4-0.  You thought Johnny was going to win?  He did, too, and then his family and friends and wife all watched him lose not once, not twice, not thrice, but... four times.  A clean sweep.  He earned your respect?  Who cares?  It's about Andrade.  It's about him earning money, fame and power.  And unlike most women, I don't feed off my man's success, I create it.
Andrade "Cien" Almas: He kept trying and losing.  They all fall before El Idolo, just like Johnny Jobless.  I am the NXT Champion!  they leave
Incindiary: No man is ever truly GOOD!  No man is ever truly E!  VIL!
Aleister Black: stares at them on the ramp from the ring, and puts the mic up to say
Bagpipes: start playing
Killian Dain: comes out and stares at them both
Black: takes off his coat
Dain: You're in my path!
They: throw hands
Team Idolo: goes from concerned to amused and leave
Black: whiffs a Mass
Dain: drills a Divide
Black: ow
Dain: glares down at him, satisfied 

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for March 5, 2018

$
0
0
The real winner of Oscar weekend, even if he didn't win all the awards he should have
Photo Credit: Emma McIntyre/Getty Images
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Jordan Peele (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So what, Get Out didn't win Best Picture, nor did Peele win Best Director. However, the Oscars are kind of a sham, right? I mean, in what universe is Crash the best picture of any year? Peele did take home an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, but even more satisfying, he got widespread praise from most critics and fans who saw his unique and groundbreaking psychological thriller that tackled racial issues in America as well as it did horror. His film will be remembered more than the winner, much like Citizen Kane is far more heralded than the picture that beat it out for Best Picture in its year, How Green Was My Valley?. Besides, the Academy gave two awards two Racism: The Movie, uh, I mean Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and one to Kobe Bryant, an accused rapist. Why preen for their support?

2. Shaquem Griffin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The NFL Draft Combine is kind of a gross meat market for how it's covered, but that doesn't mean the actual players who participate can't be noticed for their insane feats of strength. Take for example Griffin, a linebacker from the REAL 2017 National Champions Central Florida. He ran the fastest 40-yard dash for a linebacker ever, did 20 reps on bench press, and the most astounding thing is that he only has one hand. I'd be over the moon if he was there at 32 and the Eagles were able to snag him to shore up the linebacking corps.

3. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 1) - Honestly, I didn't think fire extinguisher would be enough to faze him to allow Elias to get away, but in wrestling lore, the fire extinguisher is perhaps the deadliest of weapons given its widespread use in hardcore matches. Tonight, he'll get THESE HANDS on a bunch of musical instruments in a Symphony of Destruction match, so I expect him to harmonically destroy Elias.

4. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 3) - Embiid led the Sixers to a win over the Cavaliers earlier this week, but his biggest impact could be his recruiting pitch to LeBron James to come to Philly next year. I think this Sixers team could contend next year without him, but adding King James could turn them into the Death Star. I can't wait.

5. Asuka (Last Week: 2) - She overcame dysfunction among her teammates to win a six-woman tag match, and now she gets to settle the score with Nia Jax, whom she... beat at Elimination Chamber? Look, I don't try to apologize or explain WWE booking. It's awful. But Asuka rules.

6. Katsuyori Shibata (Last Week: Not Ranked) - While he's not back as an active wrestler, and probably never will be, Shibata will be coming back to wrestling as a head trainer at the New Japan Los Angeles Dojo. Who else would be better to head up the American expansion of NJPW?

7. Chimichangas (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - Honestly, whoever decided to put burritos in a deep fryer should have gotten a Nobel Prize. Most people think of the chimichanga as just a regular like Chipotle burrito lowered in the basket into oil, but the dish I get at La Tolteca in Wilmington, DE all the time are more like taquitos or fajitas in that they're open ended. Either way, they got beef tips inside and are covered with guacamole and queso and sour cream and oh my god I could eat them for every meal.

8. Colin Kaepernick (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Kaepernick had the establishment so shook that the fuckin' US MILITARY was warning teams against signing him. That's how you know you're making waves.

9. Stokely Hathaway (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Big Stoke not only continued being the best manager on God's green earth, but he was an ultra-cool dude and guested on the Wrestlesplania podcast, episode dropping March 16. If something cool is happening in the wrestling world, you know Big Stoke is somewhere near it.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - And the Academy Award for Most Likely to Be Porkin goes to... ONEY LORCAN!

All In Has Found a Venue

$
0
0
The Bucks have found their venue for All In
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
The show that started out as a friendly bet with Dave Meltzer has found a venue, and now feels like a real thing that is going to happen. All In, the independent wrestling show promoted by Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks, will take place at the Sears Centre Arena in Hoffman Estates, IL, a suburb of Chicago. The 11,000+ seat arena currently is home to the Windy City Bulls of the National Basketball Association's developmental league, the G-League, the Chicago Mustangs of the Major Arena Soccer League, and the Chicago Bliss of the Legends Football League (formerly Lingerie Football League). The arena has hosted pro wrestling before, as it was the home of TNA's Bound For Glory in 2008.

The arena announcement is the last major piece of the puzzle to be announced, after the date (September 1) and the headline talent. The first wrestlers to be named for the show are Rhodes, the Bucks, Marty Scurll, Hangman Page, Kenny Omega, Stephen Amell, and Tessa Blanchard, basically no surprises thus far. Without a venue though, it was nothing more than a glorified e-fed event in the vein of Canuck Pro Wrestling's entire sham slate of matches. Now, it feels like it can and will happen.

The big question is though whether or not the group will crest the 10,000 paid attendee number. If Ring of Honor's Supercard of Honor advances can be used as a barometer, then this event might have a shot. Talent announcements will play a key role, obviously, but do Rhodes and the Jackson brothers have an ace up their collective sleeve that's as effective as Omega? I could speculate on some names, but it would be fantasy booking at this point, which does no one any good.

Either way, the venue makes sense. Chicago is pretty much America's wrestling nexus nowadays, with several thriving indies that either make their homes there or who count the Windy City as a reliable tour stop. It's also one of WWE's most famous and most reliable tour stops. The hunger for wrestling locally is real, and it's also a reasonable midpoint for incoming travel from points all around the country. Basically, it is setting up as a second WrestleMania, albeit on a smaller scale, which is to be expected. All In will be a litmus test for wrestling outside of WWE in America, but even if it falls short of its stated goal, the ambition and resolve put into it thus far must be commended.

All In will not be the only wrestling event happening Labor Day weekend, as King of Trios was announced for August 31 through September 2 this year as well. In joyous news, the biggest tournament in indie wrestling will be returning to Easton, PA at the Palmer Funplex, its home from 2012 through 2016. And hello, Chikara has announced the first trio, and in keeping with tradition, it's a doozy. Michael Tarver, Fred Rosser (fka Darren Young), and PJ Black (fka Justin Gabriel) will form the Nexus Alliance. Tarver and Black have shown their wares on the indies to mixed results, but it'll be interesting to see Rosser unleashed. He always showed promise in the ring while in WWE, and I'm looking forward to seeing if he's more Trent Barretta than Curt Hawkins on the indies.

Of course, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla has also made a habit of holding its Battle of Los Angeles on Labor Day weekend. While King of Trios as a competing event hasn't really affected the set piece tournament for PWG, the SoCal leaders in indie wrestling and Chikara dip from different ends of talent pool for the most part. However, All In might do more to divert the BOLA's schedule because Rhodes and the Bucks definitely do draw from the same well. Whether or not BOLA happens that weekend or not, Labor Day should be pretty interesting in the non-WWE wrestling world, that's for sure.

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 10

$
0
0
A HOT FREE AGENT
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Half the nation is buried under snow, but don't fret! HORB FLERBMINBER is here to dig out all the SCOOPS you need to get through your piddling, winter precipitation-covered existence. Do you see Dave Meltzer out there salting the streets so he can get to all the news on the IMPORTANT coast? NO, he's too busy salting the earth of his credibility by smearing women and minorities from the comfort of his California hermit compound. I'M OUT HERE WITH A PLOW SO I CAN GET TO CM PUNK'S FRONT DOOR AND PLANT SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS. You don't get that kind of dedication from the other coastal elites and their LAISSEZ-FAIRE JOURNALISM.

Now, you could just read the newsletter and think you're content with yourself. YOU'D BE WRONG, YOU LAGGART AND WASTREL. You should first follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You can follow me for breaking news, like when I broke when Cody Rhodes posted an affidavit stating that he believed reverse racism was real. You can follow me for gossip like when I posted those private chat logs from Grindr featuring a current WWE Superstar. Who was it? FOLLOW ME TO FIND OUT. Hell, you can even thirst-follow me. I post lascivious pictures of myself late at night. DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME IN THE BORAT THONG? Then follow!

You can also order back issues of the newsletter if you want more HORB in your life. These back issues of the newsletter are featured this week:
  • February 7, 1979 - I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox.
  • February 14, 1979 - Which you were probably saving for breakfast.
  • February 21, 1979 - Forgive me, they were delicious.
  • February 28, 1979 - Sixty-three page expose on Larry Zbyszko's penis.
  • March 7, 1979 - So sweet, and so cold.
And now, the news!

- WWE was in talks to bring back Alberto del Rio. He visited Titan Towers to meet personally with Vince McMahon, but instead took an offer with AAA because WWE wouldn't meet his demand of two burlap sacks with dollar signs on them filled with cash per pay period, an upgrade over the one he got from his last tenure.

- del Rio will be appearing for AAA TripleMania because, in his words, "That's TRIPLE the Mania, man. Three times the WrestleMania!"

- I asked Paige what she thought of the attempted re-signing of del Rio, and she just threw a half-full bottle of Orangina at me before shouting "MOTHERFUCKER" and running off.

- Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle vs. Stephanie McMahon and Triple H was officially announced for WrestleMania. Smart having an experienced, talented worker like McMahon across the ring to handle Rousey's raw greenness.

- Rousey will appear on every RAW from now until WrestleMania, which is definitely how WWE wrestlers become memorable stars in this day and age.

- STAR RATINGS FOR NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING'S 46TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW: More stars than exist in the known Universe.

- Katsuyori Shibata has been named head trainer at the New Japan Los Angeles Dojo. He will be personally teaching the introductory courses, "Intro to Shoot Headbutts" and "How to Cope with Losing Your Wrestling Career over Shoot Headbutts."

- The venue for All In has been announced, and it's your mom.

- Hillbilly Jim will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. He'll be wearing his fanciest overalls, or at least the ones with the least mud stains on them, to the event.

- Rey Mysterio suffered a partially torn biceps muscle at Northeast Wrestling this past weekend. WWE is already adding on the frozen time onto contract negotiations in anticipation.

- WWE is kicking off Women's History Month by not doing a damn thing about accusations that Jonathan Coachman sexually harassed coworkers during his time at ESPN.

- WWE announced a 50-man Royal Rumble to happen in Saudi Arabia, the winner of which will receive a WWE Championship opportunity at QuadrupleMania.

- Bobby Fish suffered a knee injury doing the stanky leg to Undisputed Era's theme song as an accompaniment to Kyle O'Reilly's air guitar on the NXT Tag Team Championship belt.

- Jim Ross underwent eye surgery. It was successful, because he's back being horny on main on Twitter.

- A completely one-sided piece on Cody Rhodes was printed in The Ringer yesterday. I can't believe they didn't consult me so I could talk about how Rhodes is INADEQUATE in the ring to counterbalance all the positive press. Rude!

- Canelo Alvarez tested positive for PEDs in advance for his fight against Gennady Golovkin, but he was cleared because he blamed it on tainted Mexican meat. Unrelated, Roman Reigns has started buying all his meat from Mexico now.

- Tammy Lynn Sytch was arrested on DUI charges this past weekend. Her bail was set at 30 Skype Session payments.

Last week's poll results are in, and for some reason, only 23 percent of you approve of Donald Trump's presidency so far. I asked what the best match at the NJPW Anniversary show was. Fuck's sake.

On Nick Gage, Rich Swann, and Second Chances

$
0
0
Gage paid his debt to society, which is more than Swann can say
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Rich Swann, recently released from WWE after an incident where he was witnessed to be violently kidnapping his wife, made waves again yesterday. Despite the fact that his wife, Su Yung, never pressed charges against him, thus clearing him of any wrongdoing vis a vis the law, he wondered aloud on Twitter why people wouldn't book him but book someone else who ran afoul of the law...

It's not a new sentiment. People who either want to defend abusers, accused or otherwise, or who want to puff out the woke feathers on their chest and point out the utter hypocrisy of left-leaning wrestling fans often bring up Nick Gage and his well-documented history of bank robbery. Swann didn't mention him by name, but he's the only guy in wrestling right now who robbed a bank and who's notable enough to be referred by his crime. Gage himself responded to the tweet (although the quickness with which he did leave some to wonder if it was a work...), so it's not like he's not aware of his past or his actions.

In fact, Gage has never been unaware of his actions or the circumstances that led him to rob that bank. He turned himself in in short order after the jig was up. He went to prison for about five years, and by all accounts, he has had a sterling record since being released outside of a parole violation. That violation, by the way, was for failing urinalysis. That's right, he pissed hot for drugs, which say what you want about whatever drugs one uses or whatever, but the only victim, if any, was himself. He's doing all the right things that people expect those released from prison to do, and yet he still gets static for robbing a bank.

Americans have a throbbing desire, a fetish almost, for seeing people punished for their crimes. Prison is a way to exact justice rather than rehabilitate people who aren't so much evil as they are victims of circumstance. Again, Gage has talked at length about the circumstances that led him to his decision, his action to rob that bank. He was battling drug addiction and destitution. His earning power wasn't commensurate with even his modest name in the wrestling world at the time of his arrest. Punishment alone does someone in that situation no good. Rehabilitation, however, is what keeps that person out of prison again. Isn't that what the goal should be anyway?

Of course, according to so many people in this country, that's not the goal. You can see it in the verbiage describing these people. They're "ex-convicts," as if their sentence defines them. You can see it in the reactions to their participation in society after release from prison. Gage is one example, but he's in almost the right industry to dampen the blowback. He's also White, which helps a lot as well. If you want another awful example of resistance to someone who did his time, look at Michael Vick, who still gets outrage for even deigning to be near football despite the fact that he did his time and came out of prison to become an advocate for dogs and their care.

Most heinously, it's codified in laws. Many states have passed statutes banning people who have served time for felonies from voting. Political discourse prizes the vote higher than anything, and yet if you go to prison, you don't get to participate in that rite. It's duplicitous rhetoric to say the least; you have a prison system to rehabilitate those who run afoul of the law, but you don't trust that prison system to rehabilitate those people enough to engage in democracy. It's almost like the system is designed to keep an entire class of people from engaging in it and to profit those who administer said system. Hmmm...

Regardless of how the attitudes of people towards those who have served their time for their offenses are, if someone shows they have rehabilitated, they deserve a second chance. The problem with attitudes like Swann's are well-documented, but they are exacerbated by how much defense people who will lambaste Gage will give to him or Michael Elgin or Adam Rose or Sami Callihan or Aaron Epic or Bram or *insert abuser here* for their transgressions. Compare the crimes. While I won't go as far as some of my leftist comrades that bank robbery is a victimless crime (tellers and bystanders don't deserve that static in the least), but the act of stealing money from such a monolithic institution whose funds are federally insured is far less heinous than inflicting violence on someone with whose safety you've been entrusted. However, if you want statistics on which crime is better prosecuted, it's a squash match. You rob a bank, you aren't getting away with it. If you abuse a domestic partner, however, it'll be a miracle if it even goes to trial.

The fact that Swann didn't even face charges for his incident is something that fans and promotions will make equivalent to him not committing the act at all. That's false. People saw him strike and imprison Yung in his car. That doesn't go away from reality. IT can go away legally, however, when Yung doesn't press charges. The victim oftentimes doesn't pursue prosecution of their abuser for so many different reasons. The abuser intimidates them. The victim loves them too much to press charges. The victim can't afford legal representation. The authorities don't believe the victim. Abuse victims have to jump through so many hoops to get justice for their grievances that many times, they are powerless to do anything. In many cases, that may lead to their demise, which will lead the same people who want to absolve abusers to moan "HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?" Not every case of abuse ends like this, but even if none of them did, no person should be made to live life in temerity of someone they were led to believe loved them in a way that didn't involve toxic exertion of control.

The fact that someone accused of such violence against his wife and not faced a quarter of the consequences that he should have has the gall to cast aspersions on someone who didn't even bring a gun to his bank robbery and paid a commensurate debt to society for his crime is what's so disgusting about the whole thing, and it's why it compels me to write about it. People are too willing to give "second chances" to those who don't own up to their transgressions and thus don't exhaust the goodwill from their first chances. They're far too eager to keep punishing those who actually deserve second chances for their initial mistakes. The balance is out of whack, and as long as society continues to weight the scales against victims, a huge majority of whom present femme, it won't get much better. However, you can act locally. You don't have to like Gage or support him or whatever, but you do have to recognize that he's more than his conviction. He paid his debt, and he's seemingly rehabilitated. If you think that he's somehow less worthy of defense than abusers who lost a couple of bookings but still get to work and still get to function while their victims have to live in fear, then it's you who have the problem.

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 227

$
0
0
What if Hideo Kojima were a promoter...
Photo Credit: Tribeca Film Festival
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

I answer this with the disclaimer that I've never played any Metal Gear game, but they were acclaimed for being cinematic and enriched in story. Kojima is also a weirdo on Twitter, although not a part of Weird Twitter, which is a whole other thing entirely. Anyway, his promotion would probably be a mashup of old Southern promotions where everyone turned on everyone all the time with Chikara-style long-term storytelling with more mature themes and a healthy dose of absurd characters mixed in, like in Dramatic Dream Team. For in-ring, I'm not sure how it would play out; I guess that would depend on the roster. However, the best guess would probably be direction in the vein of New Japan. Also, Kota Ibushi would sneak around in a box.

SOUP: Winter weather means it's time for a hearty soup. What's heartier than a shitpile of legumes in broth seasoned with pork? Sausage lentil soup is the name of the game. All it needs is Italian sausage, a bunch of lentils, mirepoix, seasoning, and H2O, and you're set.

ENTREE: Since soup is on the menu as a starter, I want to shy away from a stew, which is the typical go-to for winter entrees here. Instead, I'm gonna go with a casserole, but not any casserole, a classic Italian one that a certain comic cat loves. Lasagna is a perfect, stick-to-your-ribs dinner. Of course, it's not lasagna without Sunday gravy, i.e. the tomato sauce that your mom-mom makes to put on pasta. But we in our house always have a jar or a container of some kind in the freezer. Again, Italian sausage is key here, as well as ricotta cheese and mozzarella, either fresh or a good bagged brand. Parmesan is essential as well.

DESSERT: Both the soup and the entree are Italian, so why not the dessert as well? Cannoli is an all-year-long treat. Again, you have ingredients from a prior dish in ricotta cheese. All you need powdered sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, and chocolate chips to put inside the shells.

From protected user @adamsgroove:
to follow up from last week, is there anyone in NXT that needs to be future endeavored?
I hate calling for people's firings, especially when WWE is releasing people from places where it shouldn't be. Abbey Laith got the can today, and apparently, as of this typing, more female releases are on the way. I don't think WWE needs to release people from anywhere. I think again it needs better utilization of talent and to show that upward mobility is possible. I don't know.

I've never been to Vanguard, so I can't say with surety whether or not the change in the kitchen leadership is good or bad. But GODDAMN, that new menu looks fantastic. I mean, that Librado Grillo? Shove like 50 of them right in my maw. DO IT.

Not necessarily. He has to make it to the final, for sure. Roderick Strong as the Dean Malenko of the cruiserweight division (with Drew Gulak as a much more violent Chris Jericho) is all well and good, but his stage isn't the finals. Concurrently, Gulak is a fucking star and the ace heel of that division. However, his story isn't for Mania with the reboot happening. You want to set the tone? You put Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali in the finals at Mania, let them go for 12-20 minutes on the main card, let them top their pre-tournament match from 205 Live, and just blow the goddamn doors off the stadium. I don't necessarily think Alexander has to win. Ali is just as valid a standard-bearer for the division. It's really a six in one basket, half-dozen in the other situation.

While I, like many other kids my age, watched a ton of Family Matters as a kid on Friday nights, it hasn't aged as well as The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Will Smith is kinda talented, isn't he? The supporting cast worked too, not just Carlton, but everyone, even both Aunt Vivs.

ON paper, it has to be. I mean, it already was near the top with Vinny Curry, but once he's replaced with Bennett, I think the Eagles surpass the Rams and Vikings. That being said, Bennett comes with baggage, and I don't mean the off the field activism. Regardless of what you've been led to believe, that stuff doesn't matter on the field, and off it, well, have you seen Chris Long and Malcolm Jenkins and Jason Peters? If not, you don't know dick about the defending Super Bowl Champions. Bennett's real baggage is not being able to stay on the field. He's been banged up the last two years, and if he can't go, that takes a lot of bite out of the acquisition. That being said, things look favorable for him to stay healthy because of the depth on the defensive line. The Eagles will continue to rotate guys in and out, and quite frankly, if you're a fan of a team on the Eagles schedule this season and aren't petrified at the 3rd down pass rush of Brandon Graham, Bennett, Fletcher Cox, and Derek Barnett, well, your head is lodged way too far up your own ass.

Honestly, fuck him. MLW acted surprisingly swiftly for a wrestling outfit faced with this kind of ordeal, so that's good. What's not good is that Dallas had gotten the chance to be "controversial" for so long. He's long been useless, serving only as a lackey to Gabe Sapolsky. For those who don't know, Dallas went on a long diatribe on the MLW podcast running down the victim of Michael Elgin's student Sean Orleans. The rant has been subsequently edited out after his departure from the podcast. But no, life has no room for someone who bashes victims and sticks up for abusers and their enablers. Fuck him.

NXT In 60 Seconds

$
0
0
You shut your mouth when you're talking to us
Photo Credit: WWE.com
TM61: feed off the audience's chants
Authors of Pain: look to feed on them
TM61: Tandem side Russian legsweep!  Fistdrop + standing moonsault!
Authors: shrug it off and commence pummeling from one segment to the next
Winston Bishop Nick Miller: lands a desperation DDT
Tags: made
Shane Thorne: launches offensive Corner leg lariat!  Cannonball!  Modified Falcon Arrow!
Referee: Kickout!
Authors: Powerbomb neckbreaker!
Nick: Save!  Tag!  Moonsault!
Rezar: Whatever save!  is in Albanian.  Say, are you familiar with GORSH?
Shane: Can't say that I am, no.
Rezar: Well ⸺ powerbombs him into the apron from the ring
Shane: is dead
Center Stagers: HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
Authors: Corner Exploder.  Last.  Chapter.
Referee: Winners!

"The Press"""Earlier Today"": Mr. Regal, who do you think will win the Dusty Classic?  Do you have any dark horses for us?
Master Regal: The important thing is that we have a tag division loaded with talent, and that the tournament will be a treat for our fans.  leaves
Pete Dunne: arrives
"See Above": questions
Dunne: Roddy's a tough bloke and all that, but as long as I hold it, that title is property of the U.K.
Roddy: Not if you give me another shot at the belt.
Some Guy, BAY BAY: OH MY GOD, DUDE, GET NEW MATERIAL
Dunne: It's not like you have a title, you know.
Adam Cole: I am shocked and appalled.
Master Regal: Is there a problem here, gentlemen?
Cole: No, sir.  There isn't.  the Era leave
Dunne: glares at Roddy
Roddy: glares back at him

E.Y: This tournament marked the beginning.  Chaos has and always will rule.
Alexander Wolfe: Our chaos will continue.
Nikki Cross: laughs and jumps on his back
Wolfe: United we purge.
Killian Dain: Aleister — tonight, chaos will win.
All: laugh

Bianca BelAir: Delayed suplex!  Again!  Gourdbuster!  Alley Oop!
Referee: Winner!

Lacey Evans: I am the first lady of NXT: classy, calculating.  Next week I face that defenseless Dakota Kai, still shaken up from Shayna, and I fully intend on seeing how healed she is.
Shayna: shows up
Lacey: If you'll excuse me, I must go make sure my VCR taped Walker, Texas Ranger.  leaves
Shayna: Ember Moon is a joke.  What kind of "fighting champion" leaves a punk card on the floor?

Tommasshole Ciampa: comes out
Center Stagers: BOO!  You suck!
Ciampa: gets in the ring
CSers: We want Johnny!
Ciampa: raises the mic
CSers: BOO!
Ciampa: glares at some fans in the Whole Shebang shirts, raises mic again
CSers: BOO!
Ciampa: looks at his crutch, tries it again
CSers: BOO!
Ciampa: throws down the mic and starts leaving
CSers: YAY!
Ciampa: grabs the mic again
CSers: BOO!
Ciampa: throws it down and leaves the ring again
CSers: YAY!

Ciampa: glares at them from the apron
CSers: na na na na na na na na, hey hey hey, etc
Ciampa: pivots, grabs some front row fan's Johnny Winkyface sign, and makes sure they see it before he rips it in half
CSers: BOO!
Ciampa: throws it in the ring and beats on it with his crutch, then leaves, pausing at the ramp
CSers: Johnny Wrestling!
Ciampa: stares at them in amazement and disgust before extending his arms
CSers: BOO!  
Ciampa: leaves 
 
Dain: Shotgun dropkick at the bell!  Avalanche!
Aleister Black: Strike flurry!  Single legged basement dropkick!  Modified Golden Triangle moonsault!
Dain: DIVIDE!
Black: urp
Dain: works over the ribs, landing some splashes
Black: lands minor offense while selling the ribs
Dain: Spinebuster!  Wasteland!  Senton!  Vader Bomb!
Referee: Kickout!
Dain: ?!
Black: Desperation victory roll!
Dain: LOLNOPE
Black: MASS!
Referee: Winner!
Black: urrrp

Abbey Laith and Sage Beckett Future Endeavored

$
0
0
Kimber Lee, shown here in better indie days, has been released from WWE
Photo Credit: Zia Hiltey
WWE released four wrestlers from NXT yesterday. Two of them, Ming and Demetrious Johnson were not known to most people in the audience. Two however made it to television, on both NXT weekly and the Mae Young Classic. Abbey Laith and Sage Beckett were released from their contracts. Laith, known on the indies as Kimber Lee, and Beckett, known as Andrea on the indies and Rosie Lottalove in TNA, leave NXT without being given the chance to fulfill the promise they were brought in for. Honestly, they exemplify the organizational dysfunction within the company, and Laith's release especially shows that the promotion's attitudes towards women still lag despite putting a happy face forward in narratives with all these HISTORY MAKING matches and a more focused push of women wrestlers.

Laith had many reasons for her release swirling around her. Rumors of WWE officials being unhappy with her body weight, which is absurd for several reasons. Again, WWE likes to present itself as progressive and body positive by featuring Piper Niven in the MYC or pushing Nia Jax on the main roster, but if the rumors about its body dysmorphia rearing its ugly head again re: Laith are true, it shows that it's only worried about extremes to try and get brownie points. Remember, this is the company that tried selling its audience on Molly Holly and Mickie James being "fat" at various points. Those narratives don't come from a front office with healthy views on how women should look. Another rumored reason is that she may have run afoul of the Wellness Program, which again, feels like a cop-out unless she had a string of like five failed drug tests within a short period of time. It's almost an open secret that both Patrick "Velveteen Dream" Clark and Lars Sullivan had secret wellness suspensions that were easily hidden because of the nature of NXT television and how developmental drug suspensions aren't publicized.

However, the rumored reason that takes the cake in terms of ridiculousness is that she had a "bad attitude" backstage stemming from her refusal to take care of Nixon Newell while she recuperated from her torn anterior cruciate ligament (ACL). WWE had to fly Kay Lee Ray in to help Newell while she recovered, but honestly, what the fuck is a multimillion dollar corporation doing relying on fucking wrestlers to act as home nurses for convalescing talent? Being mad at a developmental wrestler who already is making below her market value to "learn the ropes" at the Performance Center before being ready for television for not adding at-home care to her job title for what I assume is no extra cost is fucking ludicrous. What's even crazier is the attitude among some scoopsters and observers that this heat on Laith was justified. The slavish obeying to capital among wrestling fans and journalists is, in a word, scary.

Either way though, WWE loosed itself of an A-plus talent for reasons that the general public may not completely know. The official line will probably end up being that creative had nothing for her which is less on a talent like Kimber fucking Lee and more on the people who couldn't find something to do with her. No matter what the reason, unless she had some kind of skeleton in her closet that is heretofore unknown to anyone, no explanation given will suffice for why WWE couldn't have Laith be more than a background player in a set piece tournament.

Beckett got to show less of her wares than even Laith did, but her release still is a shock and a dismayment. After her rough start in TNA (which was less her fault and more management's sending her out in a situation she wasn't prepared for), she rebounded to become a force in the Florida/female indies. She came to WWE with big hopes for a brute presence, but she never really got going. Management tried putting her in several roles, including manager and commentator. Again, I think her release speaks more to WWE than to her.

So, two big pieces of the Mae Young Classic are now gone, both released on International Women's Day. March is Women's History Month, and so far, it released Laith under questionable circumstances, openly courted the return of Alberto del Rio, an accused abuser whose victim is in a prominent role on Monday Night RAW, and has said not even a word or even started to lift a finger in response to accusations that Jonathan Coachman was a serial harasser and abuser when he was at ESPN. Remember that the next time Stephanie McMahon proclaims on RAW that WWE is in the midst of a women's revolution and that the women are making history.

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for March 12, 2018

$
0
0
"AND NOW, HERE'S BEETHOVEN'S NINTH."
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - I'd like to say that I'd have rated him higher if he had put Elias through the piano, but what's higher than number one? Would I have to name him God? That's blasphemy. Joey Janela's already God.

2. Meiko Satomura (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Satomura was announced for Fight Club Pro's April Fool's Day card against Pete Dunne, which only means one thing. Pete Dunne's gonna die.

3. Ava DuVernay (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So many takes and headlines saying that DuVernay's A Wrinkle in Time couldn't beat out Black Panther at the box office like superhero movies aren't the hottest thing and having "woke cache" on them doesn't make them bulletproof. I mean hello, Wonder Woman, anyone? DuVernay didn't make her movie to compete with other Black filmmakers. She did it to show that Black filmmakers can produce commercially viable media that makes a fuckton of money. Now, it's no substitute for the real racial justice that's coming, i.e. redistributing all wealth equally among all persons on the globe, but hey, it's a nice stopgap.

4. Zhoug (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Basically, it's a bunch of cilantro, jalapenos, oil, and other spices blended together, and it's delicious. It's great on pizza, cheesesteaks, breakfast sandwiches, everything. EVERYTHING.

5. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 4) - The Sixers are trending towards hosting a playoff series. How fuckin' cool is that, unless you're like Albert Burneko or some shit. Embiid may not be winning the MVP but his impact on the team is undeniable. Just incredible.

6. Asuka (Last Week: 5) - On one hand, coming out and strutting down the aisle to challenge Charlotte Flair was badass. On the other, Smackdown? Really? No one is ready for Asuka, but is Asuka ready for the fuckin' tag team of Road Dogg and Dok Hendrix?

7. Kimber Lee (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Lee got freed of her WWE shackles, and immediately she has BOOKINGS lined up. Maybe WWE fucked up by worrying that she wasn't a size zero, eh?

8. Nick Gage (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He and Penta El Zero M are gonna turn Joey Janela Spring Break 2 into a goddamn violence fiesta, and I can't wait. Fuck, he's got Penta and Timothy Thatcher that weekend, and that's just the Game Changer Wrestling cards. Here's to hoping someone else takes the hint and books him against someone even crazier, like, I don't know, The Crash putting him against Rush or something.

9. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The biggest winner of Fastlane was Daniel Bryan because he wasn't there.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - And in the end, the porkin' Oney makes is equal to the porkin' Oney takes.

NXT In 60 Seconds

$
0
0
Get on my level, tho
Photo Credit: WWE.com
SAnitY: comes out as a unit
Mossatelli: come out as a unit with a small bit of dissension, but Stun Gun their way into an advantageous position
Center Stagers: Tino Sucks!
Mossatelli: stays in control until the I Know What You Did Last Summer spot
E.Y.: a domecile ablaze
Riddick: breaks up a nearfall
Nikki: lands a Flying Herbody on him off of the apron
SAnitY: Backplex neckbreaker!
Referee: Winners! 

Tommasshole: stomps out sans crutch
Center Stagers: BOO! hold up Johnny Winkyface signs
Ciampa: puts the mic up to his lips
CSers: BOO!  Johnny!  Johnny!  Johnny!
Ciampa: shakes his head, raises the mic again
CSers: BOO!  Johnny Wrestling!  clap clap clapclapclap
Ciampa: shakes his head, yells something off-mic, then lifts his index finger before raising the m
CSers: BOOOOOO!
Ciampa: drops the mic
CSers: YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!
Ciampa: rolls out of the ring and walks around
CSers: BOO!  CIAMPA SUCKS!  CIAMPA SUCKS!  WE WANT JOHNNY!  clap clap clapclapclap
Ciampa: stomps up the stairs, looking back towards the ring
CSers: NA NA NA NA etc
Ciampa: shakes his head and leaves 

 
Lacey Evans: now with 100% more sneering, works over Dakota's bad arm
Dakota Kai: Rollup!
Referee: 3!
Shayna Baszler's Music: brings out
Shayna Baszler:comes to the ring and backs the woman she injured into a corner
Ember Moon's Music: brings out
Ember Moon:You really want to do this again?  Because with one arm or two, you started this, but I'll end it in New Orleans.
Both: start whaling on each other
Referees: come out to seperate them
CSers: Let them fight!  Let them fight!
Shayna: breaks free and lays Ember out
Ember: dodges another attack and goes up for the Eclipse
Shayna: cuts it off and applies a kimura
Dakota: REVENGE!  Yakuza kicks Shayna
Ember: One armed Eclipse!  hits it, smack talks Shayna and lets out a war goddess cry

Street Profits:come out, Montez dances on the table a little bit
Nigel McGuinness: "dances"
Heavy Machinery: come out to a slightly smaller pop
Otis: starts the match and trucks Montez 
Montez: takes a sip
Otis: Gimme summa dat!
Montez: carefully slides out to him and offers it
CSers: Drink!
Otis: has some
CSers: YAY!
Otis: polishes it off, starts dancing and throws the cup up, then lays Ford out again
Tucker: tags in and throws some dropkicks, taking out Dawk for a bit before bearhugging Ford
Montez: gets free and tags out
Dawkins: Spinning back elbow!  Spinning Stinger splash!
Tucker: Thesz press!  Avalanche!  Otis!  Let's do this!  tags out Compaccccggghhhh
Ford: low bridged Tucker out when he went for it
Dawkins: counters to a DDT of Otis and tags out
Ford: Frog splash!
Referee: Winners!

Some Guy: ADAM COLE, BAY BAY!
Pete Dunne: comes out
CSers: Bruiserweight!  Bruiserweight!
Cole: actually breaks clean early
Dunne: sees the tag champs in his peripheral, then goes out to warn them about trying it
ExDragon: We don't want any trouble.
Cole: stomps on Dunne as he comes in
Dunne: lays him out with a forearm and starts working over the arm with stomps and joint manipulation Penalty Kick!  X-Plex into the apron!  throws Cole in and goes up
ExDragon: get on the apron
Cole: shoves Dunne to the floor
Both: slug away
Dunne: Winner!  Step up Owenzuigiri!  Flying stomp!  Batista Bomb!  Buzzsaw kick!  And now for the Bitt-
Cole: NOOOPE Lungblower!  Bike kick!  Oshigoroshi neckbreaker!  You chump, you have nothing.  forearms
Dunne: SIXARM
Cole: Owenzuigiri!
Dunne: ENZUI fivearm!
Cole: Superkick your backflip counter!
CSers: NXT!  This is awesome!
Dunne: German suplex!  And now for... oh, FFS — lays out ExDragon
Cole: Superkick!  Last Shot!
Referee: Kickout!
CSers: Fight forever!
Dunne: grabs Cole's injured hand and does something real bad to it
ExDragon: Forget this.  run in for the DQ
the Era: lay out Dunne
Roderick Strong: runs down to the ring and starts throwing hands
the Era: lay him out
Dunne: lays out Cole
BruiserStrong: clear the ring
the Era: grumpily retreat
Dunne: stares at Roddy
Roddy: offers the Hand of Friendship
Dunne: responds with the Shoulder Shot of Slightly Less Annoyed With You Than I Am With Them At This Moment
Mauro: That's probably as close to a sign of respect as Dunne's got in him, so...hooray?

Aleister Black: comes out
Andrade "Cien" Almas: doesn't
Zelina Vega: does
Aleister: ???
Zelina: gets in the ring The Champ isn't here, which is good for you.  He'd destroy you if he was.
Aleister: looks around for the obvious run in, checks under the table
Zelina: Humiliation is going to happen to you in New Orleans, and you have no idea...
Aleister: makes her Talk To The Hand
CSers: give the early 90's Fox sitcom studio audience reaction that deserves
Aleister: finishes searching, having found nothing, moves the table off to the side and sits  At least now we're on the same level.
CSers: see above
Aleister: As you were.

Zelina: You're going to get destroyed and humiliated.  You're going to reap what you sow.  she signs
CSers: Too short!  Woop woop!  Too short!  Woop woop!
Too Short: What's my favorite word?
Key and Peele: suddenly get nervous and start looking around
Aleister: Humiliate me?  Maybe you're just afraid in New Orleans, your boy will come up... short.  ORRR maybe Andrade doesn't measure up in comparison to me.  What I'm trying to say is, you're kinda tiny, Tiny!
Zelina: slaps him
Aleister: smiles and signs the contract, leaves Oh, one more thing, just... one more thing.  I'm surprised.  You're actually out here alone.  That makes...one of us.
Zelina: ???
Candice LeRae: Well, look at this.  It's Ass Whoop O'Clock and no daylight's saving you from this.  commences pummelling, culminating in a tornado bulldog that lays Z out
Aleister: chuckles as Candice leaves the ring to cheers, eventually greeting her at the entryway Good work.
CLR: I do nothing else.
Viewing all 4899 articles
Browse latest View live