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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 255

April 18, 2019, 11:55 am
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GET THE SHIRT
Photo via Mid JP
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

At the risk of sounding like one of those on a bandwagon, those Los Ingobernables de Japon shirts are really cool. In a perfect world, this shirt would have become the new nWo or Austin 3:16. Alas, it's the corny, crypto-fash Bullet Club that got t-shirt prominence. Oh well. Anyway, yeah, get that shirt. It's surprisingly minimalist for wrestling, especially since the big companies seem to love to vomit graphics on their shirts, and the indies just churn out parody shirts that aren't even clever anymore.

No, I haven't, and now I feel incredibly seen. Thank you.

This question is hard because I'm not sure it'll matter by October. I don't think Fox just wants half a roster, and since NBC/Universal is paying on par or more than Fox, it probably doesn't want half either. That being said, I would trade Sami Zayn to Smackdown for Killian Dain. Zayn going to Smackdown would pair him again with Kevin Owens, but this time, not for the purpose of fighting forever, but for coaxing him into doing an in-earnest Steenerico run in WWE, one that isn't chained to fucking Shane McMahon. Let them run wild in the tag division against the Hardy Boyz and whatever other teams you wanna throw at them. Dain going to RAW as a solo act would allow him a fresh start on a show that might be more able to handle him.

Oh god, no. He's not nearly as good looking as this now:


This one is way too easy. Take every single fast food fish sandwich as well as the janky-ass non-McNugget chicken patties from McDonald's and shove them all on Subway's menu without them giving up a damn thing. Let the vortex of sadness be chained to the chain that gave the world Nonce Jared.

I say yes as long as they continue to get paid. Sadly, WWE will always have plans for wrestlers who aren't on television because they have a superfluous yet strong house show business to buoy up. So you'll get Curtis Axel needing to travel because he's gotta go out first and have some kind of bullshit match with, I dunno, Heath Slater. But if you're not going to be used even as a rostered enhancement talent and end up going on some shit like Main Event? Yeah, let them stay home and save on travel expenses which WWE doesn't reimburse for. So much of WWE's vestiges of a prior era are so unneeded today. Dark matches, syndicated non-main shows, house shows, they're all just that, vestiges.

Protected user @earthdog asks:
Coming back to Bucks County with my wife and 4 year old this June. What family activities would you suggest? We already have Sesame Place on the docket
I don't think you should remain in Bucks County, although going to Sesame Place is nice and easy. As a family man, and depending on how much time you have, I would suggest Lancaster County, along US 30 and also PA 340. You will have Dutch Wonderland for your kid and also farmers' markets and outlet malls for you and your spouse. If you have the money, the Philadelphia Zoo is always a good time. If you want to be more frugal, then the Elmwood Park Zoo in Norristown still has bang for your fauna-watching buck. Your kid can feed the giraffes! Finally, the Franklin Institute or the Please Touch Museum are both really good options for young kids, more the latter than the former. My son still gets a kick out of the FI, and he's only seven, so your mileage may vary. Philly probably has a lot of other really cool family-friendly things to do, but those for my money are the ones I enjoy the most.

China would win because every other country's asserted dominance in the world bores me, especially the United Kingdom. Those assholes spread their racism around the world like Ego in Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 did around the Universe, but instead of Peter Quill being there to save the day, the racism wins. I mean, have you seen the former colonies lately? The White ones are racist as shit, and the nonwhite ones are still feeling the effects of colonialism. And to further the blow, the guy playing Quill is one of those creepy anti-gay youth pastors in real life. Let China win to give them some shine with a team of like two of those Shaolin Monks of Oriental Wrestling Entertainment (RIP), Tian Bing, Ho Ho Lun, and Xia Li.

I would steer away from biopics and probably pitch a sci-fi film where wrestlers band up to save the world because they're the strongest people who were not abducted by the aliens who invaded. Cast Terry Crews in the lead and support him with a bunch of other wrestlers, like Dalton Castle, Velveteen Dream, Becky Lynch, Kevin Nash, and Kota Ibushi. Let them go nuts. This would kill at the box office with the new pseudo-acceptance of pro wrestling in the mainstream and also a thirst for new comedic ventures.

Most fast-paced rock songs could, but I think "25 or 6 to 4" would be good because it's got a tense-but-rapid rhythm, vocals as angsty as Peter Cetera could get, and the horns! My God, not enough wrestlers' themes have horns in them. Someone should use it now if they're not already.

When Foles is on, he's spectacular, as seen with the Super Bowl run in '17/'18 and this past season's playoff run. The problem with him is that like Blake Bortles, he hasn't shown that he could string a lot of games together. Is he better than Bortles? Well, it's hard to say, as the eye-check says that they're similar players. The stats say Foles is slightly better albeit in fewer games. Bortles is also four years younger. If the Jags give Foles the same support with the run game and allow him a lot of short fields with turnovers on defense, then I think he can be an improvement over Bortles, who despite his flaws led the Jags to the AFC Championship Game two years ago. However, it's hard for me to feel bullish on Foles over a 16 game slate PLUS playoffs should the Jags get there. Still, I wish him luck. He finished the job Carson Wentz started, and it got the Eagles their only championship in the Super Bowl era (although the team has three other titles before the Super Bowl, which do count, you fucking ignoramuses).
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NXT In 60 Seconds for April 17, 2019

April 19, 2019, 6:45 am
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Wave goodbye, say hello
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Lloyd Braun voiceover: Last week, on the Leftovers, Jaxson Ryker beat Danny Burch and Candice LeRae beat Aliyah.

Some Full Sailors: chant for Velveteen Dream
Some Full Sailors: chant for Buddy Murphy's return one off
Some Full Sailors: chant for Both These Guys
Both: have a 50/50 exchange on the mat, get nearfalls and front flip forward onto their feet
Full Sailors: applaud
Buddy Murphy: Tiger knee! Tope con hilo! Meteora from the top!
Velveteen Dream: Kickout!
Buddy: PKs! Sleeper!
Velveteen: Fighting loose! Superkick! Springboard axehandle! Axehandle suicida! Codebreaker!
Buddy: Kickout! Tornado hangman!
Both: go up then punch each other to the apron, sending their opponent to the floor
Buddy: Second rope gourdbuster!
Dream: Valley Driver!
Buddy: Corner trapped superkick! Running Liger bomb!Tiger knee on the apron!
Dream: rolls out to the floor, "dead weight"
Buddy: has to roll out, takes almost the whole count to get him in, has to break the count for more time, then throws him in and heads in himself
Velveteen: Surprise FameAsser! DVD II! Purple Rainmaker!
Referee: Winner!
Velveteen: poses mid ring with the North American championship as is his wont

Street Profits: head to Regal's office
War Experience Cougar Mellencamp: come out
Not Rowe No Mo: WE went to Master Regal. We'll see you next week.
Like Hansen But Not: Be careful what you wish for. they leave
Street Profits: seem to be a little shook, then psyched

Johnny Gargano: comes out to a sea of Johnny Champion signs with Goldie, dishing out high fives and huge to kids ringside
Full Sailors: Johnny Champion! clap clap clapclapclap Johnny Champion! clap clap clapclapclap
Johnny: We've been waiting a very(x5) long time for this moment, Full Sail.
Full Sailors: You deserve it! clap clap clapclapclap You deserve it! clap clap clapclapclap
Johnny: Last time I was out here I mentioned being shot down in my first tryout, but four years shows what happens when you don't take no as an answer; after a very long journey I stand before you proudly as Johnny Champion. TO:NY was the toughest match of my career
PA: SHOCK...the system.
Some Guy: Cut the music! Cut the music! Shut it off!
Most Of His Underlings: nod compliance
Some Guy, BAY BAY: I'm not going to stand back there listening to another lovefest
Johnny: He's right, though: I do love you guys.
Adam Cole: Shut up! You got lucky! I beat you in the middle of the ring in New York; any other match, any other match
Full Sailors: You tapped out! You tapped out! You tapped out!
Cole: I'd be standing here NXT World Champion. How can you think about being proud of yourself, with this little victory parade, you idiot? I'm the uncrowned champion and you're nothing more than a punk.
Johnny: Somebody's emotional. Is there trouble in your little boy band? Are you guys not in sync?
Full Sailors: go from oohs to laughter
Johnny: You did win the first fall. Then I tapped you out. Then I tapped you out again. Numbers don't lie - check the scoreboard. That's not just definitive, that, my friend, is Undisputed.
Full Sailors: OH SNAP HE DID HIS THING TO HIM
Cole: Shut up!
Johnny: No. Because if I'd lost I wouldn't be out here whining and crying like a spoiled little BAY BAY, but since you're out here already if you'd like to actually grow a pair and come down to the ring I'll put a few more points on that scoreboard.
Cole: Be careful what you wish for.
The Heretofore Absent Roderick Strong: lays out Johnny from behind
the Undisputed Era: swarm Johnny and smacktalk him
Cole: Basement superkick!
Referees: are out :30 too late
the Era: hit their handsign over #15's fallen body

God's Production Team: informs us KUSHIDA will debut in a fortnight

Victim: comes out
Dijakovic: Cyclone kick!
Referee: Winner!
D2: grabs the mic
Full Sailors: Keith Lee! clap clap Keith Lee! clap clap Keith Lee! clap clap
D2: I am only in NXT now because of the opportunity my family took to come to the United States. That spirit courses through my veins; my blood drives me to opportunity. And I see the North American championship.
Full Sailors: ooooohhhhhhhhhhh
D2: So Feast Your Eyes, Velveteen Dream.
Full Sailors: applaud slightly as he leaves

Queen Cathy: Guys, it seemed like after Takeover there might've been some friction, but
Adam Cole: But nothing. Tonight you saw the difference between me and Johnny, who gets caught up in his emotions and winds up in our trap.
Master Regal: I've just talked to Jonathon, as a matter of fact, and he would like to face a member of your assemblage.
Cole: So when's he facing me?
Master Regal: Hm? Oh, you? I have no idea. He wants you turns and gestures to Roderick Strong and per my order, that'll happen next week. Good day, gentlemen. departs
Roddy: is ready
Not rEDragon: support him
Cole: does not seem as psyched as his compatriots

Bourne and Boujee: complain about Candice's win last week but challenge her to find another lower and meet them in the ring
Shayna Baszler: comes out with her hired goons
Kairi Sane: comes out solo, having just been called up before her last title shot, sooooo
Shayna: Body shots!
Kairi: Uraken! Crossbody off the apron! Kabuki elbow from the top!
Shayna: Strike party! Massive knee! Corner massive knee!
Kairi: Dragon screw! Interceptor! Blockbuster! Anchor hold!
Shayna: crawling Ropes! I have the ropes!
Kairi: Enzui second rope Insane Elbow! Tree of Woe double stomp!
Shayna: rolls out, then dodges another flying Kairi attempt
Kairi:goes splat into the barrier
Shayna: Pentagon Jr. arm snap! Gutwrench faceplant!
Kairi: Kickout!
Shayna: Into this Anaconda Vice!
Kairi: wails while crawling then gets her foot on the bottom rope, then rolls out
Drake and Doctors and Io: check on her
Kairi: tries to wave everybody off
Shayna: reaches from inside the ring and tries the Dakota Kai on her
Io: jumps in for the save
Referee: DQ! Winner!
Shayna: gets in Io's face
the Underlings: yank Io from the outside and make her watch
Shayna: Kai's Kairi's arm, then the Horsewomen leave
Drake: Get out of here! Go!
Io: yelling in Japanese in their direction
Shayna: holds up Mrs. Goldie to boos
the Underlings: cackle beside her
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The Continuing Farce of Enzo and Cass

April 23, 2019, 11:00 am
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The dipshits who won't stop dipping or shitting
Photo Credit: WWE.com
So the former Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady, who now hilariously go by nZo and CaZXL, made a big splash by showing up at the jointly-promoted Ring of Honor/New Japan Pro Wrestling supershow, G1 Supercard at Madison Square Garden. It not only made headlines for the fact that it diluted the talent pool in Ring of Honor, but because no one in ROH decided to let the folks co-promoting the show that the two would show up. It not only caused a chain reaction of talent speaking out against the move, most notably the always-outspoken Tama Tonga, but news escaped that it rankled top New Japan officials who didn't like being kept in the dark. Needless to say, it was a gaffe in chauvinism and miscommunication that left egg on a promotion that quite frankly without New Japan to keep it relevant might be less buzzworthy than Impact Wrestling right about now.

For once in the company's miserable recent history, ROH did not double down on its bad personnel decision and decided not to pursue any further engagement with the team that has dubbed itself the "Free Agentz." They even hinted that maybe they gave into New Japan pressure when the press release for the last round of War of the Worlds guests started with, paraphrased, "the relationship between ROH and NJPW has never been stronger." That tone sounds like one who knows they fucked up and needed to give props to the people backing them. Honestly, it's not that I trust New Japan completely with personnel decisions. Remember, they stood by Tomoaki Honma even though he was accused of spousal abuse, which was laughed off domestically by Dave Meltzer and Jim Ross. They kept Michael Elgin on the roster (agan with Meltzer's approval/propaganda at home) even as he was under fire for covering up for a student of his accused of rape and when he himself was accused of domestic violence. That being said, I guess they have their limits, and it's not like I blame them.

Of course, Amore and Cassady felt wronged, and without context, I would agree with them. You bring someone in and have a handshake deal, and it's on the more powerful entity to keep their end of the bargain up. If they actually signed contracts, it'd be even worse. In this case, however, when Amore should be in jail and Cassady should be doing something other than wrestling (probably doing some racism detail for his homeboy Donald Trump), then it's not hard to at least remain neutral. But they're not going to take this lying down, no they're not, judging by whatever this was:
First of all, anyone calling this a "promo" doesn't know what a promo is. The word itself is short for "promotional appearance." What is Cass promoting here? The Briscoes aren't going to leave their ROH contracts to go work these two goons. Second, the "drawing money" argument seems like it was something burned in his brain from Vince McMahon-approved brainwashing sessions at wherever the recruits trained prior to the Performance Center opening. Like, I don't know how solvent ROH is, but I mean, whenever New Japan comes around, a promotion built largely on its in-ring product, uh, it does bonkers business. I think I'm most mad that Cass here made me kinda sorta side not only with ROH management but with the fucking Briscoe Brothers here. Like, you gotta be a real piece of shit to make me side with any of them, even if it's wholly in relative terms.

Amore and Cass (I refuse to use their bobo AIM screen name-ass names) have the kind of inflated self-worth that I wish wrestlers who weren't total ciphers had. Their bravado is about the only good thing they bring to the table, but unfortunately, because they're one-note hacks who can't even work to the lax standards of main roster WWE, any positives they bring to the table get lambasted because anything they touch turns to shit. Imagine if the WWE roster thought of itself collectively as these two idiots do. They'd have had a union years ago and would have hung Hulk Hogan from the TitanTron by his pinkie toes. But these idiots will keep yammering and yelling and they're still gonna get booked, hopefully not by anyone reputable. But because the world is the way it is, watch them get another run at ROH so they can "draw money" against the Briscoes. I'm going back to bed.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 256

April 25, 2019, 11:05 am
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The enforcer from Cobb County, GA
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Taking the good boy of Chikara away from me really hampers a top five, because really, no one really used a law enforcement gimmick after the '90s outside of the Boss Man. I'm not gonna scrape and pretend I know about the AWA, but I think I can get to five without it.

5. The Mountie - Jacques Rougeau's late-Rock'n'Wrestling gimmick had several things going for it. One, it was a heel gimmick, and I think the best cop gimmicks are heels. Two, it didn't take itself too seriously, which for a heel gimmick works. Three, he had a fucking cattle prod. How much did that rule? Four, the theme song ruled.

4. Officer Warren Barksdale - I feel like he didn't get a chance to flesh the gimmick out too much before he kinda faded into the aether, but despite some questionable bloggings, he was an enjoyable part of recent Chikara.

3. and 2. Tyler Breeze and Fandango, The Fashion Police - They were a bright spot for those who endured the slog of recent WWE television watching, at least until 'Dango got hurt. Sure, the police portion was flimsy at best and it leaned more on absurdist humor, but hey, I'm scraping here.

1. Big Boss Man - One of the best big guys ever, and his run as muscle for the Corporation was a chilling foreshadow for the state of police currently.

To paraphrase a tweet from esteemed, award-winning shiposter @GarbageMcFart, it would be Michael Elgin, and he would be dead. No, I keed, I keed, my answer is Bryan Danielson. In addition to being the greatest ever to don tights and kickpads, he seems like a legitimately interesting person whose politics probably wouldn't want to make me attempt to throw him through a wall only to get pummeled into a fine paste.

The layup is if the wrestlers had a union and successfully backed Owen Hart not going up into the rafters the night he died. While his death wasn't the wedge between the Harts and WWE, it certainly delayed the eventual reconciliation. If he had survived, he might have gotten the push Triple H did, at least initially. From the history of WWE, Trips' rise was inevitable given he had always been in Vince McMahon's ear and thus had a clear path to Stephanie's affections. But the turn-of-the-century WWE would've been a lot more interesting. And Bret Hart might have been in that first Hall of Fame class in 2004.

The trickier one also involves Owen Hart, in that what if the piledriver spot he and Steve Austin did at SummerSlam didn't involve the fucking of Austin's neck? Austin would have been free to work well past the date he retired, for starters. Would he have become a nuisance presence in the company politically? He flexed his muscle with Jeff Jarrett, and who knows who else he might have tangled with. Hell, he might even still be active now.

The most insane? What if Tom Magee were at least as good in the ring as Sycho Sid? You gotta be really awful for McMahon not to push you, and that bar is lower to the floor the further back in the past you get. Ultimate Warrior was dogshit in the ring, but he got a Mania VI coronation with Hogan. Imagine if Magee was at least on that level? He might have gotten the Mania VI coronation without the ego, and he would have stayed past the eventual flop his title reign would've been. And hey, if he's rich and famous, maybe he doesn't get the shit kicked out of him in a parking space dispute last year.

The team leader is Terry Funk, who in his 45 century career has seen a few things. You can't kill him, I'm convinced. The man was doing deathmatch-adjacent shit into his 60s. Do you think a gassed-up purple alien is any match for him? Fuck no. Second is Daisuke Sekimoto, who isn't on the same power level as the Hulk, but is close. Third and fourth are Billie Kay and Peyton Royce, because they can annoy the shit out of Thanos long enough to the other team members to do their thing. Finally, Daniel Bryan rounds out the team, because if anyone knows a way to leverage the Infinity Gauntlet off his big purple hand, it's the American Dragon.

I do not listen to any podcasts, but if I did still listen to them, WrestleSplania would be at the top of the list. It's a wrestling podcast that isn't from the perspective of dyed-in-the-wool wrestling fans who do wrestling fan things and say wrestling fan shit. Kath Barbodoro's bona fides as a wrestling fan cannot be questioned, but she, like a lot of the casual-seeming leftist Twitter-adjacent wrestling fans, she talks about it in a different way that paints wrestling as something that isn't embarrassing. Rachel Millman's perspective of someone who is discovering all the good wrestling for the first time is also unique. Again, I don't listen to it, but by the Twitter conversation around the show and the community it fosters say to me that it is a show worth supporting.

Chikara dabbled in time travel, and as a company I trust to do goofy shit, I can say they didn't even do it that well. So I'm not sure any wrestling company can do time travel stories well, certainly not WWE. WWE won't be able to do an altruistic hero until McMahon dies, and even then, I'm not sure Paul Levesque would know noble sacrifice and selflessness if did a bunch of steroids and then learned how to do a Canadian Destroyer. Body swap could work though, but it would all have to come from the performances. The problem here is that WWE writes very specific characters and doesn't branch out. Did you notice how Sami Zayn right now hates the fans, like about 13 billion other heels before him? Unless you had, say, John Cena body swap with like Heath Slater, the contrast might not work well enough. So the goofiest story WWE could do is the one everyone in the company has to restrain McMahon from doing when he gets the idea. That's right, incest, baby! Let's hope he never watches Game of Thrones.

I have two from the original six! The first is Thor. I'm almost positive that due to the critical and financial reception to Thor: Ragnarok that Marvel is chomping at the bit to team Chris Hemsworth and Taika Watiti and possibly Tom Hiddleston up again. So he'll be the elder statesman for the new group. The next OG returnee is Dr. Bruce Banner, aka the Incredible Hulk. The team works with other hammers to face off against big bads. I mean, Carol Danvers canonically is like 6 Hulks, I think. But I think Captain Marvel works better in space, and I think I want Avengers 5 to be on Earth against Dr. Doom. Next up are Spider-Man, Ant-Man, and The Wasp. Spidey replaces Cap as the most noticeable figurehead, and both Ant-Man and the Wasp, although not Hank Pym and Janet van Dyne, are callbacks to the first comics team. Finally, the new new guy on the roster is Wolverine, played by Daniel Radcliffe. Wolverine isn't as synonymous with the Avengers as he is with the X-Men, but he's been a member of the team on several occasions. Plus, it'll give him opportunities to clash with frequent frenemy The Hulk.

You want someone pulling up nonchalantly and hitting an impossible shot like they were laying the ball up? You want Jeff Hardy jumping off something big. Maybe not SummerSlam '09, which is the first spot that game to mind, because he lost that match. But Hardy has made habit of sacrificing himself for the huge pop and making it look like it was normal.

HIM hasn't really done anything in awhile, right? The Viking Experience is their comeback vehicle, baby!

Television is heavily scripted, catered to the whims of a septuagenarian madman. The pressure to perform to move the metrics and are probably still under intense scrutiny to get their shit in and get the crowd to react so that it can come off good to the people at home. For live shows? All they gotta do is what they do best, wrestle, with no pressure. Especially now that the model has gone from touring to video consumption, whether TV or streaming, they can let loose, because house shows do not matter.

Salad is so stigmatized. It's the "diet" food so people think it has to be boring, hence the limited selection of ingredients. Ooh, maybe someone will switch it up and use mesclun and other bitter greens instead of iceberg lettuce. Fancy. In reality, salad can be as creative as you want it to be. I mean, most outlets try to provide the variety, but almost all the time, you gotta pay extra for that shit. Maybe you could offer your strawberry and chicken salad with poppyseed vinaigrette as the meal starter instead of that struggle bag shit you serve with the Italian dressing in the souffle cup? Just sayin'.

1. Charlotte Flair
2. Celeste Bonin
3. Mia Yim
4. So Cal Val
5. Taeler Hendrix
6. Nattie Neidhart
7. Naomi

I am not explaining these rankings at all.
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NXT In 60 Seconds for April 24, 2019

April 29, 2019, 6:30 am
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Once is coincidence, twice is a trend...
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Jaxson Ryker: is still here despite the fact that he does not spark joy
Humberto Carrillo: inexplicably doomed Disaster Kick! Handspring back elbow! Standing moonsault!
Ryker: beats on him with a bunch of forearms, hits his finisher
Carrillo: rolls out
Ryker: throws him into the barricade a few times, then over it, then drives some knees into him
Bell: rings presumably due to a double countout
Ryker: keeps going
Allied Strikers: make the save
Those Guys: bail eventually

Adam Cole: poses for photos in the back then immediately gets flustered over Roddy's main event spot tonight I thought Johnny would be man enough to challenge the leader, but clearly he's afraid, so Roddy will do what I would – beat that pathetic Gargano to a pulp what are YOU smiling at?
Matt Riddle: All the drama because your boy's got a match.
Cole: You think that's funny?
Riddle: I think it's hilarious, bro. Moreover: what are you going to do about it?
Cole: sputtering I have bigger things to worry about. stomps off
Riddle: poses for photos in the back

Bourne and Boujee: sass their way out to meet
Candice LeRae: waits a couple beats for her mystery partner
Lacy Catanzaro: is that Handstand on the ropes into the headscissors! Somersault axe kick!
B and B: use their rare power advantage and beat her down
Lacy: counters a double suplex with a double neckbreaker and tags out
Candice: Missile dropkick! Baseball slide! Step through jawbreaker! Running reverse avalanche! Step up senton! Cupcakebrada!
Referee: Winners!
Io: Cathy, what Shayna did last week was terrible. S
the MMA Horsewomen: swarm and beat Io into position
Shayna: lands her step up knee on Io before she and her underlings walk off

Master Regal: I'm unbelievably happy to add KUSHIDA to the brand. It took a lot of hard work to put the deal together.
KO1.0: Master Regal.
Master Regal: Young Kassius. My compliments towards your efforts on my side of the pond. I know a bit about that myself, as you may remember.
KO1.0: smiles Well, I'm trying to teach the youth. I mean, KUSHIDA for example. He's an excellent technician, but no one knows the Japanese style as well as me, as you may remember. So I would like to offer myself as his opponent for his debut next week.
Master Regal: opens his mouth
KO1.0: holds up his hands in compliance Just think about it. leaves
Master Regal: That does sound rather wonderful, doesn't it, yes. So next week Kassius Ohno will take on - in his NXT debut - KUSHIDA.

Street Profits: swag their way out
War Raider Cougar Mellencamp: come out
Montez Ford: Tope con hilo!
Angelo Dawkins: Spear! Spinebuster! DO IT NOW! tags
Montez Ford: Frog splash!
Rowe: barely kicks out, then counters their Doomsday Device variantand tags out
Hanson: Nashwalk slam! Flying splut! Cartwheel LARIAT! controls the arm
Announce: all note him slowing down the match after the Profits' unpredictable pre-bell start
Rowe: Tag! Slam you! Slam Hanson on you!
Dawkins: Desperation right!
Both: tag
Montez: High elevation dropkick! Delayed backplex! Kip up and standing moonsault! Tag!
Profits: Assisted Shiranui!Double whip!
Hanson: Double handspring back elbow! Tag!
Rowe: Exploder! Judo knee! Shotgun dropkick!
War Raider Starship Airplane: Assisted hip attack! Springboard lariat into a German! MJOLNIR!
Referee: Winners!
the Artists Formerly Known As War Raiders: celebrate with their belts
Street Profits: look a combination of respectful and sad from their butts on the ramp

Johnny Gargano: comes out with Goldie to a huge pop
Roderick Strong: comes out solo
Announce: is immediately all over this
Roddy: controls the mat wrestling for a bit
Johnny: controls the mat wrestling to the point that Roddy bails Heh. Superkick from the apron!
Roddy: Wheelbarrow into a half nelson backbreaker into the apron! gets Johnny in Gutbuster! Canadian rack backbreaker! Rope assisted bow and arrow!
Johnny: waves him on
Roddy: stomps the crap out of him Gory Especial! fights until Johnny bails
Johnny: PRANK, BITCH armdrag into the steps! Gamengiri! Superman spear!
Roddy: Kickout!
Johnny: Rollthru kick! Cannonball off the apron!Slingshot DD
Roddy: Counter gutbuster
Johnny: Counter counter rana! Basement superkick!
Roddy: ...kickout.
Full Sailors: NXT! NXT! NXT! NXT!
Johnny: starts chopping Roddy so hard spit flies
Both: dodge the other out of the corner
Roddy: Capture backbreaker
Johnny: Counter knees and a discus lariat
Roddy: Counter your counter
Johnny: Counter your counter counter!
Roddy: Counter your counter counter counter!
Johnny: What?
Roddy: Right? I mean, butterfly backbreaker out of the Superman II spear!
Johnny: ...kickout.
Both: throw forearms
Johnny: Step u Owenzuigiri!
Roddy: See it and raise corner Punk knee! Bret backbreaker! Have fun on Cloud 9!
Johnny:
Johnny:
Johnny: ...kickout.
Strong: Hold!
Johnny: Upkicks, upkicks, and more upkicks! Are you down? That means there's Gargano Escape!
Roddy: fends it off...for a while
Everyone: looks towards the entryway
Adam Cole: comes out and smacktalks Johnny
Johnny: back elbows Roddy into compliance and returns it
Not rEDragon: come out for backup
Definitely Matt Riddle: starts fighting them and Cole
Roddy and Johnny: jockey for position in the ring
Matt Riddle: sends Cole backwards
Johnny: slips Roddy
Cole: hits a step up Owenzuigiri – on Roddy
Johnny: Good night topes Cole and good luck slingshot DDT on Roddy
Referee: Winner!
Johnny: looks at Cole and laughs before getting Goldie and his hand raised
Cole: looks irate on the floor, then after a few beats gets in the ring and apologizes to Roddy
Riddle: smiling on the ramp Bump? What do you say?
Johnny: She's all yours, Bro. bump between them both, they leave
Roddy: looks understandably aggrieved but also seems to take the apology in stride(ish)
the Undisputed Era: leave, not really separate...but not really together, either
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The WWE Black Hole

April 30, 2019, 7:55 am
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The Revival were offered $500K/year not to leave, and they may have STILL been right to pass on it.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
WWE is the largest wrestling company in the world, still the pinnacle goal of more than a few wrestlers' careers. Judging by how many acclaimed indie and other corporate wrestlers take them up when they offer contracts, the wrestling world at large still treats them as a big deal. The desire is mutual, as WWE continues to vacuum up all the talent it can, whether known, unknown, or incredibly raw and from other non-wrestling fields. They continue to garner talent without letting it go to a major fault. This problem has beenat the forefront forlonger than the last month. If the talent WWE wasn't releasing wanted to stay, I could maybe see minor merit in the practice. If a wrestler wants to get paid for eating Kraft services and working house show jobs, well, I guess it has some validity even if I think it's awful for the business at large.

But what happens when the wrestlers in question want to leave and WWE won't let them? Luke Harper wants out. WWE won't let him out and tacked on an additional six months on his deal because of his injuries that caused him to miss time. The Revival have been vocal in wanting out of their deals. WWE offered them five-year, $500K/year contracts to stay, which they either have rejected or are still mulling over, depending on the source. Sasha Banks apparently quit, possibly retracted, and is now being given a timeout so she can think about her decision. If I had to guess, WWE would let her sit out her contract as well.

All the shit wrong with that scenario could fill three silos, starting with the fact that the freedom of movement gradient between management and labor is so stacked towards the former that it's not even funny. WWE can terminate a contract at-will. Why can't the wrestler? Tacking time on for injuries suffered on the job was dirty pool when they did it to Rey Mysterio just as it is now with Harper. The fact that the company has to offer guys half-a-million a year to stay instead of, y'know, paying them and everyone that level at least means the company has too much money and is way too greedy with it. The Saudi Arabia deal is awful because that Kingdom is actively engineering a genocide against another nation, among other things, but it might be *slightly* palatable if that money went to labor instead of the McMahon-Levesque bank accounts.

But the biggest crock of bullshit here is that WWE does not need to keep these wrestlers under contract. If they quit, the company can replace them with wrestlers who are more than ready to jump in. You can't tell me that the Revival's slot couldn't be filled by, say, the Authors of Pain once the team is completely healthy, and their spot as crowd-warmers on Main Event couldn't be filled by, say, the Street Profits. If you tell me Shayna Baszler couldn't come right in and replace Sasha Banks in the upper midcard/main event of the women's scene on either brand while she herself gave way to Reina Gonzalez or Mia Yim in NXT, I would laugh in your fucking face. And the names just keep on coming, whether it be Performance Center guys who've recently become ready like Eric Bugenhagen or new signees who don't need to slum it on NXT or in the PC like KUSHIDA or ACH.

And that's why the massive influx of talent into WWE gets met with less than consensus excitement. WWE is not signing wrestlers to utilize them on anything other than niche programming on The Network. They're doing so to reduce the number of wrestlers who might work with All Elite Wrestling, or to a lesser extent, Ring of Honor, New Japan Pro Wrestling, or other companies out of its massive tentacled thrall. While Cody Rhodes has stated that he doesn't want to bring in mass amounts of once-or-future-ex-WWE talent, both the Revival and Banks at least would fetch that select attention, and I would also add Rhodes and his business partners would be morons not to look at them. Harper may or may not be on their radar in reality, but that won't stop WWE from acting like he would be with anticompetitive behavior.

All the bullshit that comes with a WWE career still does not deter wrestlers from making it their goal. That's exactly why WWE should cool it on keeping the people there that don't want to be there. Signing Shane Strickland so he can work Worlds Collide or keeping Kassius Ohno loose and ready to work by having him work NXT UK or creating more satellite NXT promotions to stash wrestlers in is not healthy. At some point, the talent has to realize this and do something about it. The only way out is unionization, but it's not like Ihaven't been saying this. Nope.
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Lio Rush Made People Mad by Being Right

April 30, 2019, 10:15 am
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Lio Rush is in trouble for knowing his worth, point blank.
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Wrestling, not just WWE but all the business, has such an arcane set of written rules, where if you don't shake the wrong person's hand, you can face insane repercussions that make little sense to the operation of a successful business. For all the talk of wrestlers being alpha males, a lot of them have such fragile psyches that I'm surprised locker room trash cans aren't filled with soiled diapers. Nothing rankles these hardy locker room vets more than a cocksure young wrestler who knows his worth and hasn't been beaten down by the mores of a sociopathic business that demands free labor and unearned fealty from anyone entering it. While it doesn't necessarily follow racial tones all the time — the Young Bucks ran afoul of it in a WWE locker room and it extended to them in TNA for some reason— it tends to be a lot worse when the offender is young and Black.

Enter Lio Rush, who already has a reputation for being confident and also not 100 percent smart 100 percent of the time. Apparently he's in hot water backstage in WWE because of things like "not listening to probably unsolicited advice from veterans" and "not partaking in shit WWE should pay day laborers for for fuck's sake." It's gotten so bad that brass is considering sending him back to NXT, which depending on how his dual 205 Live/Bobby Lashley managerial gimmickry is going, may or may not be a paycut.

Obviously, it's all bullshit, although the latter front is more egregious than the former. I get veterans wanting to give Rush advice. The dude, though talented, is wet behind the ears to the ways of the world, and I'm sure Finn Bálor was offering in good intentions. That being said, if a dude doesn't want your input, it's best to keep it to yourself. It's one thing if it was one of the producers going to him or even Paul Levesque or Vince McMahon. It isn't so much an endorsement of management being correct, but production and talent have to have a give-and-take relationship at times. But I don't care if you've been in the business for a long time or if you're some kind of locker room leader. If someone wants to be left alone, leave them the fuck alone, aight?

The heat over "not doing manual labor" is 100 percent stinky bullshit though. Older wrestlers and promoters have this unspoken expectation that they are owed your free labor, whether it be stupid shit like lugging a water cooler in WWE or more hot button issues like the greenhorns showing up early to an indie show and setting up the ring. While I can be more sympathetic to the latter, I don't care what industry it is, you don't owe anyone your labor for free. If you want the young kid to set the ring up, pay him extra. If it comes out of the promoter's cut, then so be it. If you can't afford it, set the fucking thing up yourself. It's not hard. The value of labor has been devalued so much everywhere, but especially in wrestling, where if you don't do shit for free, you get bloated assholes like Gabe Sapolsky dangling your booking viability by a string.

For WWE to expect this from talent is so far away from the borderline in obscene territory that you might as well locate the behavior in land labeled "HERE THERE BE DRAGONS." Vince McMahon himself is worth billions. His company brings in so much money that it can afford day laborers to move the stuff that is deemed important for wrestling socialization. If you can't pay a dude $50 out of the million dollar gate you bring in for that show, then you don't deserve to profit, simple as that.

I'm not saying Rush doesn't have his Brain Genius moments. I mean, him getting excited over Bryan Danielson mentioning he wanted to work Rush, thinking it was him and not the CMLL luchador, gave everyone a good laugh. But I'd take his ill-placed ignorance over someone like Randy Orton, whose exploits backstage are soaked in malice, or Lars Sullivan, whose history posting on White supremacist forums online seem to give the owners' Trump-supporting asses no pause whatsoever. Furthermore, I'll take one wrestler with the confidence and knowledge of his own worth like Rush over a billion subservient goons who perpetuate the same bullshit rituals backstage that make baseball's myriad unwritten rules look sane.
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Welcome Back to the Indies, Jon Moxley

May 1, 2019, 9:15 am
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Mox is back, baby
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Jonathan Good has finally left WWE after announcing he wouldn't renew his contract in February. There, he was known as Dean Ambrose, a name that will remain mentioned only on the Award Winning WWE Network™. More than a few people, myself included, thought he would take a break from the wrestling thing and relax in the desert, maybe producing his own live action Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner shorts in the meantime. Everyone who thought that was wrong, apparently, and he let the world know in shocking fashion. Having been Twitter-averse for most of his WWE career, a verified account under his once-and-now-current indie name Jon Moxley, popped a tweet last night at 11:05 PM EDT:


Breaking out of prison, chased by a, ahem, big dog, and wrapping his hands in barbed wire all paint a vivid portrait without Moxley saying a single word. It's not exactly subtle symbolism, but when has a wrestler, even ones passing up seven figures to bleed all over a ring in front of 100 degenerates (and I mean that lovingly, deathmatch fans, I swear) at a VFW hall and thusly are ostensibly in it for the art, ever mastered that art? I think it bears repeating that Moxley was making well north of seven figures in WWE and probably had an offer on the table for even more. Given that WWE offered the Revival half-a-mil a year apiece as a midcard tag team they didn't really feel like pushing, imagine how much they offered one-third of its most celebrated stable ever not to go?

I think it shows that more wrestlers don't necessarily need or want WWE's money over everything else. Granted, they will probably make ballpark figures if they jump to All Elite Wrestling or even Ring of Honor right now. And Moxley still has a WWE income in his household and has been reported to have good amounts of money saved anyway. But it appears he's not really driven by making more money. The Revival isn't driven by making big money if they're just going to get sporadic exposure on television. Sasha Banks and Luke Harper are willing to bet on themselves rather than being a jobber to the stars or a house show body respectively. The tides are turning against WWE, and even if they maintain their financial hegemony for decades into the future, the fact that they can't control the entire industry like they have since Impact Wrestling decided keeping Vince Russo on board was more important than staying on Spike TV means that it's a more wide open game than ever.

Of course, the $64,000 question is where will Moxley work? Game Changer Wrestling seems to be one of his stomping grounds, which makes sense. While he was a veteran of Combat Zone Wrestling before leaving for WWE Developmental, a lot of the names he may have trusted there jumped ship, including owner/booker Brett Lauderdale. GCW has the cultural cache as well, as in addition to being a deathmatch-friendly promotion, it houses a lot of other niches thanks to its embrace of the various Joey Janela produce shows as well as Bloodsport and the show they gave Orange Cassidy Mania weekend. Where else could he work? Honestly, I really don't know. Moxley is one of the most unknowable dudes in wrestling. He could show up at Battle of Los Angeles. He might sign a contract with AEW. Maybe all he'll do is deathmatch/hardcore promotions. I don't know. But whatever he does, I'm excited for it.

WWE put the chains on one of the most unique and talented wrestlers and personalities when it decided to present Moxley/Ambrose as a slapstick comedic foil to their "serious" Shield stars Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins. If you want my real opinion on it, this was in the cards ever since WrestleMania 32, when WWE sold a hardcore match between Ambrose and Brock Lesnar, and Lesnar took exactly zero hardcore bumps. The barbed-wire bat and the chainsaw bequeathed to Ambrose by Mick Foley and Terry Funk respectively, were rendered useless. That was a failure of booking, in that if Lesnar wasn't going to take the fucking bumps, they shouldn't have started down that path. But really, WWE's loss will be the wrestling world at-large's gain.
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Search

NXT In 60 Seconds for May 1, 2019

May 2, 2019, 6:05 am
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The Dream has no memory of the word extra, Part the Infinite and Five
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Allied Strikers y Humberto Carrillo: have formed a trios per last week's events
the Forgotten Sons: done been a trios for a while now
Oney Lorcan: Chops! Blockbuster! Flying Euro! Tope con hilo all y'all!
Jaxson Ryker: blind tags in and spinebusters Carillo before whaling on him
the Sons: all hit variants of the Bossman straddle Double neckbreaker!
Ryker: Second rope diving headbutt!
Carillo: Kickout! dodges Tag!
Danny Burch: Rights! German! Corner Owenzuigiri! Second rope stiff legged dropkick and nip up! Crossface!
Babyfaces: start flying around
Carillo: topes Oney when Ryker pulls Blake to safely
Burch: tries to win a 3 on 1
the Sons: swarm him in due time
Humberto: Springboard save!
Ryker: Polish Hammers him into a splut
the Sons: Buckle bomb/backbreaker combos! hoist up Burch and Carrillo Flying stomp inverted DDT combo! pin the legal Burch
Referee: Winners!

"Earlier Today" Queen Cathy: Do you have any remorse about what you did a couple of weeks ago?
Shayna Baszler: I have no remorse or sympathy; even if I did it'd be buried in the sand with what's left of Kairi and Io.
Queen Cathy: Did that happen because Io's pinned you and you have yet to pin her?
Shayna: whips off the shades, glares, slaps the mic out of her hand and stomps off with the Underlings

"Earlier This Week" at the PC: cameraman runs into the space with all the rings
Mia Yim, While Repping the Wu with Her Shirt on Their Most Sacred Day of the Week: hops off the apron of one
Bianca BelAir: ...and you need to keep your name out of my mouth...
Mia: Ain't nobody worried about you!
TAFKA Stokely Hathaway: runs in around the corner of the smacktalk and whips out his phone WorldStar style
Robbie Brookside: tries and fails to get the ladies to stop
Bianca: You filming this? UH uh. storms off
Mia: almost gives TAFKASH These Hands for old times sake barely visible on screen in a joke for like 13% of us
TAFKASH: gets two for flinching
The 13% of Us: cackle uproariously
Mia Bianca: will fight next week

Mansoor: comes out to barely a response
Dominik Dijakovic: small pop Cyclone kick!
Mansoor: Dodge! puts on side headlockDuck, dive, dip -- oh, man, I'm forgetting something
D2: catches him flying off and throws him nearly into the front row
Mansoor: ...kickout.
D2: Ambidexterous corner back elbows! Turning second rope splash!
Mansoor: ...also kicking out-desperation sleeper! Corner Owenzuigiri!
Full Sailors: start getting behind him
Mansoor: Buzzsaw kick! Step up Owen off of your knee.
D2: Kickout. You go splat now. Strike party! Lariat! FEAST! YOUR! EYES!
Referee: Winner!

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED:


Full Sailors: Vel vet een! Vel vet een! Vel vet een!
Dijakovic: keeps staring stoically

God's Production Team: informs us piggybacking off of last week that Riddle v. Cole will happen next week, then shows us the end of the main event from last week
Kyle O'Reilly: I don't get it. I really don't. Johnny Gargano has to be the luckiest man on the face of this Earth. Possibly ever!
Bobby Fish: He's on borrowed time. More importantly is next week.
Roderick Strong: And Adam Cole is going to take the OB and drop him off of a pier, no doubt about it.
Adam Cole: Don't let last week fool you. We are badder - tougher - stronger than we've ever been! We're not focusing on Roddy dropping the ball! And come next week, Matt Riddle, you're
Roddy: staring Really? REALLY? walks off
A Virtual Needle: almost scratches to the point where UE's music stops playing in the background
Adam: What? WHAT? I was kidding! Obviously.
Not rEDragon: Well - yes, obviously - but then
Adam: Can he not take a joke or can he not take a loss? What was that?
Bobby: Jokes are fine, but your timing... whistles, goes after Roddy
Kyle: It's fine. It's fine.
Adam: On a scale of 1 to Bullet Club, how fine is it?
Kyle: ...what?
Adam: ...what?
Kyle: They don't allow bullets around here, you know that.
Adam: It's FLOR I DA
Kyle: I think he pronounces it Flo Rida?
Adam: stares
Kyle: ...what?

KO1.0: comes out in black like the Omen
KUSHIDA: probably gets you pregnant off this sweet ass entrance, proffers the Hand of Friendship
Ohno: kicks it away
Full Sailors: BOOOOOOO! KU SHI DA! KU SHI DA! KU SHI DA!
Ohno: controls Kushida on the mat
KUSHIDA: reverses it, controls Ohno even more, and gives him a patronizing double clap on the back
Both: try offense and fail
KUSHIDA: Cartwheel basement dropkick! Standing moonsault!
Ohno: Caught and cravate-d!
Both: go for punches and think better of it
Ohno: drops to a knee and tries a handshake again
KUSHIDA: looks at the Full Sailors
Full Sailors: What's NO in Japanese? Is it no?
Ohno: BOOT!
Full Sailors: We tried to tell you, man. KU SHI DA! KU SHI DA! KU SHI DA!
KUSHIDA: Backflip kick! Owenzuigiri from the apron! Springboard tomahawk chop! Around the world dropkick to the left arm!
Ohno: Electric Chair facebuster!
KUSHIDA: is bleeding from the nose
God's Production Team: is on it
Announce: ditto
Ohno: You don't belong here!
KUSHIDA: DTH~! into the middle buckle! West Coast Pop (well, mostly)!
Ohno: Kickout
KUSHIDA: Windup forearm! Big right! makes Ohno shake his hand Handspring
Ohno: Forearm! Bike kick!
KUSHIDA: Windup punch! PK to the left arm! Around the horn Hoverboard Lock!
Ohno: taps
Referee: Winner!
KUSHIDA: poses on the buckle after getting his arm raised

AND GET READY

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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 257

May 2, 2019, 9:05 am
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Was the Night King an unsatisfying antagonist?
Screen Grab via VT.co
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

You may not be the only one glad, but personally, I preferred the White Walkers over ｔｈｒｏｎｅ ｄｒａｍａ. As someone who enjoys high fantasy more than political drama, the Walkers held more tension for me. Add that in that some of the best stuff the show ever produced had to do with the Army of the Dead — "Hardhome" is one of the best episodes in the series — and it ticked all my boxes for good television. Additionally, the Walkers presented social commentary on climate change that I thought was the most important message the show relayed. So if you're looking for a comrade in your hate of the Walkers, you won't find one here. It's telling that I was stressing all last week in advance of "The Long Night" and now, I don't even care if Cersei retains the throne. That's how far the gap is.

Protected user @earthdog asks:
Please put a Meltzer like star rating and review of the Battle of Winterfell (the Long Night)
Been awhile since I read a Meltzer review, so bear with me:

"There was a promo package before the match started that just showed everyone looking tense, really built drama. Then the Red Lady came out and lit all the Dothraki swords on fire. It was a cool visual that was ultimately wasted when they charged into battle only to get wiped out. The first part of the battle worked as intended; it just felt racist to wipe out half of the only brown people on the show. Jon and Daenerys went up on their dragons to battle from the air. Dany looked natural, while Jon still appeared uneasy. He almost botched a couple of flybys, but overall, he held his own. The wights approached Winterfell slowly but in numbers, causing the combined living forces to retreat back into the castle. The Red Lady appeared to light the trench on fire after the fire arrows didn't work. She had a really good episode. The fire kept the wights at bay until they realized they could smother the fire using a few in their ranks, allowing a greater number to cross over and start climbing the castle. Their siege was really tense, but the main players like Jaime, Brienne, and Arya performed really well. The Hound's childhood neurosis against fire backfired on him, and he retreated into the castle, which on the surface seemed cowardly, but it was actually great psychology. Arya lost her weapon and also retreated into the castle to look for a new one. Meanwhile, Dany and Jon encountered the Night King on his wight dragon, and he got the better of them. Dany thought she had him pinned with dragonfire, but the King kicked out at two. Meanwhile, in the castle, Arya, the Hound, and Beric Dondarrion fought off some zombies. The referee threw up the X on Beric, who was rendered out for the rest of the match. The surviving two met up with the Red Lady, who told Arya she had to be the one to get the fall on the Night King, who by this time was approaching the castle and raising the fallen members of the Winterfell forces for his side, including Lyanna Mormont, who earlier had done an interspecies, intergender highspot jamming an axe into a giant wight's eye. The referee threw up the X for both Jorah Mormont and Theon Greyjoy, and it looked like the wights would win the match until Jon distracted the wight dragon long enough for Arya to get close to the Night King. Although her first pin attempt was countered, she was able to counter the counter into a decisive strike that won the match for the living at the last second. Good match, a little hard to see at times thanks to poor lighting. ****1/2"

The real answer is "anyone and anywhere," but I'm thinking you want specifics. I'll go by promotion:

Game Changer Wrestling: Nick Gage - This is the obvious answer. The current king of the deathmatch scene is the perfect opponent for the returning former prince. Judging by the video Moxley posted on his Twitter, he wants to jump way back in, and no opponent would be more perfect.

Beyond Wrestling: Chris Dickinson - Beyond wants to sell Independent Wrestling TV subs through its weekly live show, Uncharted Waters, right? Moxley vs. Dickinson is the match to do it. Dickinson has become one of the best big-match workers on the indies in the last year, and I'm sure he'll be able to get the best out of Mox as well.

Big Japan Wrestling: Masashi Takeda - Takeda really impressed me at Bloodsport in a match that took him out of his element. It made me want to see him in a deathmatch, and honestly, what better big-time opponent for him than the returning Moxley?

Chikara: King of Trios, preferably with Joe Gacy and G-Raver - Chikara and GCW have been buddy-buddy for the last few years, and Trios is the perfect opportunity to bring in a big name like Moxley with two other GCW stalwarts. Gacy and Moxley used to team together, and G-Raver seems like a natural fit to complete the trio (anything to keep them from getting Sami Callihan to officially reunite Switchblade Conspiracy).

Anywhere that will have them: Orange Cassidy - WWE misused Moxley's comedic talents, but I think he still would do well in a sillier setting. Cassidy feels like the kind of guy who could get the right kind of funny out of him.

The thing is they didn't really integrate Infinity War into the show outside of Jake Busey's character mentioning that "something was going down in New York" and teasing that Thanos' ship was in orbit during the whole time-travel/Kree occupation of destroyed earth story. AoS will be starting up in May, well after the aftermath of Endgame. No one on the show got snapped, so I wonder if they'll even mention it? Since I have really no handle on it, I'm going to play wait and see. I'm still waiting for them to explain away whether or not everything in the end remained in 2024 or got shuttled back to 2019. Maybe they'll use the show to do that rather than in Spider-Man: Far From Home. Or maybe they won't explain it at all. Who knows!

I'm really wary of non-homemade meatballs, so I'm making it from scratch. First, you need the right meatballs. Beef meatballs just won't do, neither will pork. You need the meatloaf mix of beef, pork, and veal. Season the meat with parmigiano reggiano or a similar Italian flavoring cheese of choice, garlic powder, bread crumbs, and an egg (one egg per pound of meat). Mix it all up by hand, and roll them into anywhere between one-half and two inches in diameter. Then fry them, either in olive oil or in an air-fryer. You'd be shocked at how well air-fried meatballs are. Set them aside. Hopefully you have some homemade Sunday gravy lying around. If not, a simple marinara would do. Get some garlic sauteing in olive oil. Then add a can of San Marzano tomatoes and reduce for a little while. Next, you want bread that will stand up to the sauce. You can't use any soft bread or it will fall apart. The best meatball sandwiches need a crusty Italian roll. Once you do that, assemble the ingredients — meatballs first, then sauce, then fresh mozzarella cheese. Then, to get the melt on the cheese, put it in the broiler until the cheese melts. Bam, you then have the perfect meatball sandwich.

You gotta get volunteers to cook real food and then give them a cut of the proceeds to compensate them for their labor. That's easier said than done, but it's the only thing I can think of that'll beat heating up bottom-of-the-barrell frozen shit.

I've gotta be honest; the only minor league sports I've ever watched are Arena football and hockey. Of the two, Arena football edges out hockey because it has trappings that improve the fact that you're watching guys who aren't good enough to be in the actual real National Football League. I've never been to a minor league baseball game, but Philly has a major league baseball team, so it's not like I have ample opportunity without going a half-hour at least outside the area. That being said, minor league baseball rules because they do gimmicks to get fans out there. I appreciate good gimmicks.

That being said, let me use this opportunity as a soapbox to say that Major League Baseball sucks for keeping minor league players in tow with shitty pay. It's a billion dollar industry. Pay your minor leaguers a fucking living wage.

I see what you did here in combining two questions into one like it wouldn't get by ol' TH. However, due to the extenuating circumstances of the person asking, I will allow it. For now.

Anyway, the lie I would try to sell to the dirtsheets is that Tom Magee's push was scuttled because he refused to do cocaine with Vince McMahon and not because he turned out to be awful. The facts would back me up in that McMahon has pushed a lot of people who were as bad or worse than the perm-haired muscle man. I mean, he gave Ultimate Warrior a WrestleMania coronation over Hulk Hogan. That's why I think I can slip this by the dirtsheet writers. Plus Magee looks like a guy who thinks coke would be detrimental to building his perfect body. Steroids are fine, but no, not the nose candy.

As for my top five soups, listed with no explanation:

1. New England Clam Chowder
2. Chicken Noodle
3. Italian Sausage and Lentil
4. Portuguese Sausage and Kale
5. Olive Garden's Zuppa Toscana

First off, I would hope that I gave ol' turtle face the Joker-on-Jason-Todd treatment in a liberal state where it'd be hard to find a jury to convict me. Failing that, given the circumstances, that I'm on death row as a political prisoner rather than as some garden variety scumbag who killed in the heat of passion or for personal gain, I would eschew my favorite foods and ask for three gallons of refried beans. They say that when you die, you evacuate your bowels. If this is the case, I want the people killing me to have to deal with the messiest, stinkiest morass possible when scraping me off the chair. Capital punishment is wrong and immoral for several reasons, so if I have to be the victim of it, I want the people executing it to deal with my shit after I'm gone, especially if it's for helping to free the American people from Mitch McConnell's reign of terror.
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Sexism in Wrestling Reporting, Vol. 27,321, or The Bellas Are Successful, Nerd

May 3, 2019, 6:00 am
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The Bellas did good.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In a recent interview with People.com, Alexa Bliss said that the Bella Twins were the most successful women she knows.
“They are the busiest, yet most successful women I know and they are those women who, when you meet them, you want the most success for them because they are so sweet, so genuine,” she told PEOPLE at the Billboard Music Awards. “They’ve gone on to Total Bellas. They have their wine. Now that they a skin care, they have pet shampoo. I think it’s fantastic what they’re doing.”
The Bella Twins are obviously WWE's biggest overall female success story. They went from Johnny Ace Special signings to being decent (Brie) to excellent (Nikki) wrestlers in the ring, holding their own with the influx of indie wrestler signings that signified the beginning of the "Women's Evolution." They additionally found success out of the ring as breakout stars of Total Divas, leveraging it into their own spinoff reality show. While WWE will eternally prop up Trish Stratus and Lita as the foremothers of the women's division that shouldn't have needed to wait until 2016 to get respect, it's really the Bella Twins as their most successful act.

I would not be writing about this interview if it was the only notable thing to happen surrounding it. 411 Wrestling, perhaps the top aggregator site in wrestling news, had to go and editorialize, not in their recap article, but in the tweet, screenshotted here in case they end up deleting:


"Alright then." The condescension drips off that phrase like ice cream off a cone on a hot summer day. I don't know whether the person composing that tweet is some kind of wrestling snob who discounts the success of the pre-Women's Evolution models-centered signings or if they can't believe someone would say the Bellas are more successful than, say, Ronda Rousey. Where I might understand the disbelief is if they thought it was a line fed to Bliss from Vince McMahon. Hell, Ryback tweeted that everyone has to give over their social media passwords to WWE, which was corroborated by Mike Johnson of PWSpyware on their Elite audio. They love controlling narratives, although to me it feels like a People interview where Bliss praised two women who are in WWE's orbit loosely right now feels sketchy.

Regardless, that kind of attitude continues to show that the industry is a perilous proposition for women in all facets. The news reporters and aggregators are barely different from companies who marginalize women while claiming they're lifting them up. I mean, WWE likes to pretend that it's some champion of women's rights by having them headline WrestleMania, but unless they were involved in a title match, you couldn't find another woman on the card unless they were in a "let's get everyone a Mania paycheck" battle royale. They do the bare minimum and expect plaudits for equality. Wake me up when they find something for Nikki Cross to do on a regular basis.

But the reporters back these attitudes up the way they slant their reports. Brushing off the success of the Bella Twins from someone who really admires them because they either don't meet some arbitrary standard of success or because they're so sexist to believe that women from a less progressed era of WWE could never attain such success as those after a random date. It shows how the industry needs a top down cleansing to rid it of all the sexism steeped in it.

Whether you like it or not, women are taking over. More and more women are getting into the business, and more and more they are demanding spotlight. The fact that they're kept in seperate promotions or in boutique divisions feels wrong. Among the big players who run shows, WWE has probably the best usage rate on women, and their women's division still needs room for a ton of improvement. The fact that the fourth estate is lagging behind instead of jumping out in front and calling these promotions on their shit is troublesome. Whether it's Dave Meltzer or 411, wrestling journalism has to do better when it comes to talking about and advocating for women in wrestling, and it can start by not condescending to a woman when she cites people that may not have the best critical reputation as inspirations.
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Lars Sullivan Should Not Have a Job

May 8, 2019, 10:00 am
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Get this racist goon all the way outta here
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Lars Sullivan is an enigmatic figure in WWE, polarizing for sure even before certain details about his past leaked out. Generally, he was considered to be good enough at his job by his employers to have gotten a moderate push in NXT that culminated in a title opportunity. His main roster push resumed after his hiatus from the company over mental health issues, which was genuinely surprising since Vince McMahon doesn't seem like the type who has sympathy for anyone or anything for any reason. It also came despite the fact that certain posts of his from a bodybuilding forum years ago leaked that show him to be racist, sexist, xenophobic, and utterly devoid of any redeeming qualities outside of his prowess for wrestling, which after seeing some of the shit that came from his fingers to the keyboard to the bandwidth, means jack shit.

The posts began to leak earlier this year, but a Redditor u/MicDropsAndCumshots (righteous name, by the by) compiled everything that had been posted from u/farcevacant's comments on various posts. CONTENT WARNING, if you're sensitive to racism, rape imagery, or general bigotry, don't click the link, and I will try to describe it while using as little triggering language as possible. I won't go into full detail on everything, so if you're clickphobic or you think you might get some bad mental blowback, I will post a greatest hits of this shit here:
  • He praised a band called Blue-Eyed Devils for their song "The Final Solution" which he mistakenly thought was titled "White Revolution." The band literally played Nazi music, and its guitarist, Wade Page, shot up a Sikh temple in Wisconsin in 2012 and killed himself before the police could apprehend him.
  • He intimated that Kofi Kingston and R-Truth looked like a "prison gang." He's currently feuding with Truth, for the record.
  • He claimed that not all sexual assault was "legitimate."
  • He accused immigrants of coming here for "free stuff" and that the Democrats were bribing them and minorities for votes/support.
  • He derided people with mental illness as weak, which given his own mental health issues, is cruelly ironic.
  • He bagged on Dave Meltzer for his coverage of "Chinese" wrestling, and I really don't think he was referring to Oriental Wrestling Entertainment, which at the time was still five years from inception.
  • He mocked Chris Kanyon after his death.
And that all is just the tip of the iceberg. Sullivan is, without a doubt, a White supremacist ghoul who should be ostracized from society instead of being given a push in the biggest wrestling company in the world. Even more disturbing is that he is currently feuding with one of the targets of his past racism in Truth. Hell, all of his targets since coming back from his hiatus have either been POC or victims of other hatreds he holds (Kurt Angle being old, Jeff Hardy being a struggling addict). And it's not like people in the company don't know of this shit, if Big E is to be believed (and I see no reason why he shouldn't be):
Big E is far more accommodating than one might expect, and I think his diplomacy might be tied to the fact that at least for the time being, he's gotta share a locker room with Sullivan. Then again, is it such a slam dunk that Sullivan will face repercussions commensurate to his vile and violent opinions?

Remember, McMahon is friends with Donald Trump, who is also a White supremacist. His wife was on Trump's cabinet. The family has donated to Trump's campaign, and probably will do so again in 2020. Kingston is only the fourth Black person to hold a top men's Championship in WWE in its 56-year history. It is not out of the realm of possibility that WWE brass knows about this shit and has decided to do nothing. The best chance for action to happen is if the right people pressure Stephanie McMahon and Paul Levesque, who trust me aren't any better than Vince but at least have the shame to respond to bad press. In this case, they wouldn't be getting rid of Sullivan because he's a bigot; they would be doing it because they don't want bad public relations.

Either way though, Sullivan should not have a job. No White supremacist should have a job. People don't understand the damage that these people can do because the World War II generation is dying off or becoming extremely racist thanks to watching FOX News all the time. Liberals are demanding that White supremacists be heard so that they can "be defeated in the marketplace of ideas," because the fucking marketplace of ideas worked so well in 1930s Germany, right? Everyone should know what these assholes have to say and what the fruits of that speech is. The duty of anyone who wants to live in a decent society is to make sure anyone who holds the kinds of beliefs that Sullivan has espoused and has not even begun to atone for (he blocked the guy who pointed all this out on Twitter along with anyone else who brings it up to him) is not able to live in said society. They don't deserve platforms. They don't deserve jobs. They don't deserve to survive without realizing that their hate is not only immoral but flat out wrong. I doubt Sullivan will catch any blowback from this from management, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 258

May 9, 2019, 10:20 am
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Did Bliss' instant cash-in help freshen up Money in the Bank?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 280 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

On one hand, absence makes the heart grow fonder. The fact that both briefcases were burned before Thanksgiving has given the audience a reason to look forward to whoever wins them this time around. Fans haven't had the Sword of Damocles hanging over proceedings, so it's fresh. On the other hand, well, WWE's creative rot is settling in again like it has for most of the last decade outside of a few spurts. WrestleMania was great, but everything after has felt like throwing shit against the wall in an attempt to please the whims of a septuagenarian, which is never the recipe for success. So I'm not sure it's redeemed completely, but it does feel fresher than it has in the past. That doesn't at all answer the question of how many people are gonna watch it live, since Vince McMahon and his crack team of schedulers didn't take into consideration that maybe putting its fifth (or fourth depending on your feelings for Survivor Series) biggest pay-per-view/Network event on opposite the series finale of Game of Thrones wasn't such a good idea. That's a totally different conversation though.

IN order to undertake this task, I will first have to identify the members of the main event. I am not counting part-timers or McMahons, even though they're really the only main event people according to Vince McMahon. I'm going with full-time wrestlers at this point. So, by my estimation, the main event of WWE is...
Becky Lynch, Seth Rollins, the New Day, Roman Reigns, Drew McIntyre, Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, Daniel Bryan, AJ Styles, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, Asuka, Braun Strowman, Baron Corbin, Bobby Lashley, Jeff Hardy
All of New Day is included here because they are powerful as a cohesive unit even as the individuals achieve singles success. And now, the rankings

18. Randy Orton - Because he sees Pokémon as a child's endeavor, he neglects his charges and sees them as a burden. He is the asshole who leaves his Charmander out in the rain on a rock to wait for him even though that sweet fire lizard is loyal to him.

17. Daniel Bryan - No doubt Bryan loves Pokémon and uses them as companions, but in battle, he utilizes exclusively Grass-types and only to annoy his opponents. He's the guy who poisons or paralyzes your whole team and spams Leech Seed, but for however annoying he is to face, he rarely wins.

16. Seth Rollins - He'd be too busy crossfit training with them to teach them good moves. A bunch of swole Machoke and Gurdurr going into battle whose best moves are like Karate Chop and Tackle? Yeah, they're getting iced.

15. Braun Strowman - Strowman also trains with his Pokémon, but he never gets around to battling because he's always fighting them himself. His Pokémon are stronger no doubt, but he never makes it to the battles out of fatigue or recovery.

14. Big E - Much like Bryan, he doesn't take battle as seriously as he does companionship, or in this case, a canvas for humor. That being said, his strategy of sending out 6 Pokémon that all know Explosion is a little more effective than Bryan's.

13. Baron Corbin - The ultimate tryhard ne'er-do-well, Corbin has a bunch of level 100 Pokémon, but he never bothered to catch any that weren't in his general vicinity. While his Pidgeot/Raticate/Butterfree/Bibarel/male Combee/Fearow lineup is bulky compared to the rest of their species, well, uh.

12. Jeff Hardy - Although he's more interested in seeing which Pokémon have psychotropic qualities than battling, his nephew King Maxel has given him enough skills to get by.

11. Drew McIntyre - He's got a good eye for team-building in theory, but he's the guy who insists he can make Slaking work in a battle because it hits really hard. McIntyre doesn't really like speed, which is why he gets trucked more often than not.

10. AJ Styles - His children are savvy enough to guide him through the low-level battles, but he often loses his temper when he starts to fall behind. He's also likely to get disqualified for using slurs against his opponents.

9. Charlotte Flair - She favors elegant and gaudy Pokémon, which is fine when she sends out Sylveon and Milotic, but her achilles heel is always getting caught with Furfrou and Vivillon out at the wrong times.

8. Rey Mysterio - A trainer since the Red/Blue days, Mysterio knows the ins and outs of battle, and has even adapted from generation to generation. However, he's always falling victim to status ailments, never knowing how properly to deal with them.

7. Bobby Lashley - Surprisingly adept at battling, Lashley has all the tools to win. However, he gets cocky at the wrong time, like having his Mega Garchomp using Outrage without knowing if his opponent has a Fairy-type waiting to switch in for the kill.

6. Roman Reigns - Reigns trains true to his nickname, which is good when he gets to use Arcanine but bad when he's stuck with Stoutland.

5. Kofi Kingston - Like Styles, Kingston has the benefit of children able to get him through plus teaming with the overall best in the company from time to time. While he only wins the big competitions once in awhile, he's a perennial contender with a lot of fan-favorite Pokémon like Charizard and Pikachu.

4. Becky Lynch - Even though her trash talking does her in from time to time, Lynch's Fire-based teams compete well against the others as Fire-type attacks do well against most other typings.

3. Asuka - A gamer through and through, you know Asuka knows her way around a 'Dex. That being said, she tends to get DQed from time to time for exploding limousines as distractions.

2. Alexa Bliss - You know that Bliss knows every rule in the book, exploits them to her advantage, and knows every cheat in the book to get away with. She's a ruthless, effective, and annoying villain to excellent results.

1. Xavier Woods - You didn't think anyone else would be here, right? Woods' acumen is probably matched by no one in the locker room, and you know his OU team would make him the unchallenged WWE Pokémon League Champion.

I've only seen gifs, but it's a brilliant take on a wrestling character that I'm not sure has happened before. The disconnect is figuring out how to get from the Firefly Fun House to the actual ring. I'm sure you can get there, maybe by having him do a live version to be interrupted by a childless wrestler who hates fun. That scenario is probably best. Knowing how WWE handles non-traditional gimmicks, I expect them to add a billion different hoops and hurdles to the transition and to fuck it up like it has fucked up Wyatt's entire main-roster career to date. But this beginning is fun.

Honestly, the closest answer I got for this is Great Balls of Fire, which is less an entendre for something more ominous and more a creaky old man thinking the pop culture of 60 years prior is still relevant today. A Tribute to Homicide really is the first show name that I can think of that an outsider would look at and think it was more sinister than it let on. Of course, my brain is swiss cheese, and I may be forgetting some sexually salacious show name, but if you wanna go that route, nothing tops the Submission Sorority and how a simple google search of the name would've proven it to be a baaaaaaad idea.

1. Kyle O'Reilly - Undisputed best of the Undisputed Era. Best wrestler, best aesthetic, air guitar with title makes him indelibly cool. I will be taking no debate on this.

2. Bobby Fish - He helped mold O'Reilly into the person he is today, plus he has an incredible EEEEVIL moustache.

3. Adam Cole - BAYBAY

4. Roderick Strong - He's a great worker, and his story is inspirational, but man the first thing I think of when I see him is "SHITTY LITTLE BOOTS!" so...

Honorable Mention: Taynara Conti - Why they didn't make her a permanent member of the group to terrorize the women's division, I'll never know.

It'll never happen because McMahon doesn't appreciate what he has in Sasha Banks, and I doubt Ronda Rousey will come back to WWE to team with her other three running buddies, but Horsewomen vs. Horsewomen is a feud that writes itself, and all eight of them are at least passable in the ring. Just put an agent for the match who understands why those War Games matches had to be so violent to be important, and it'll be the best match they've ever run.

Wrestling is full of incredibly shitty people that it's unimaginable for anyone to wield the divine weapon of Thor. Look at the people who can wield it in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (comics are too deep and out of my depth):
  • Thor - Weapon for whom it was allegedly made, god of thunder, Prince of Asgard
  • Hela - Goddess of death who may not have been worthy by traditional metrics, but she's hella (sorry) powerful so maybe her pure might overrides worth? Or maybe the rules were changed after Odin threw her in the cosmic klink. I dunno. Gonna ignore her for now.
  • Vision - A cyborg born without any bad baggage, so of course he was worthy as a rasa tabula.
  • Captain America - The worst thing he ever did was not tell Tony Stark that his BFF killed his parents, which was done out of protection. Lying to protect doesn't make someone unworthy, it seems, and the rest of his ledger is SQUEAKY clean.
So, on that corollary, the four wrestlers whom I think could wield Mjolnir...
  • Thor: Erik/Ray Rowe - He likes Vikings, looks like one, and seems like a decent enough dude, knock on wood. Remember, Thor wasn't perfect either, because worthy doesn't mean flawless.
  • Hela: Terry Funk - He's so old he may as well be Asgardian. I don't know what kind of person he is, but if he's powerful enough to stay this long, he could wield and destroy Mjolnir, no problem.
  • Vision: Shockwave the Robot - Duh
  • Captain America: Zack Sabre, Jr. - He's a leftist who seems to be a decent guy whose personal life I don't want to pry into to find out, which is what makes him the analogue to Steve Rogers in this. Wrestling is so fucked.
1. Buzzer-beating three pointer - While a walk-off donger is majestic, the deadline shot feels more chaotic, more fluid, mainly because basketball play, even out of a timeout set piece, is such a living organism. The action consumes your attention, and you're not really spending as much time on the anticipation as much as you are just following play. It's more sudden.

2. Walk-off home run - But naturally, the game-ending bomb is still incredible because even with the anticipation of each pitch, you're still not sure if the odds are going to be in your favor. A pitch will get contacted 80 percent of the time, but only 25 percent of the time is it going to land for a hit. An even smaller percentage will go far enough to count for a homer. That's excitement, baybay.

3. Disco Demolition/Dime Beer Night - When a game ends in a White-person riot over something stupid, things get really exciting for a much different reason!
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NXT In 60 Seconds for May 8, 2019

May 10, 2019, 9:05 am
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To quote Rod Stewart, "Oh, no!  Not again!"
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Mia Yim and Bianca BelAir: both come out to solid pops
Both: exchange holds on the mat, go for dropkicks at the same time and come up flashing the Wakanda Forever! handsign
Bianca: I see you! I see you, okay!
Mia: Yeah, I see you! Right? offers the Hand of Friendship
Bianca: feints reciprocating then throws her down by the hair GURL. UH uh! I'm un de fea
Mia: kicks her in the arm and lands the dropkick Who do you think you tried that on? Legroll! Basement dropkick! Strike party! Pele! Cannonball!
Bianca: NOPE! Stomphole! Cravate! 747!
Mia: Kickout!
Bianca: starts working her back over You want my spot? Fight me!
Mia: tries and fails to hit her several times
Bianca: shoves her down and poses
Mia: Flying guillotine!
Bianca: Snaplex counter! Ragdolled cravate!
Master Regal: presumably nodded backstage
Bianca: 1494!
Mia: does the math Knees up! Double throat chop! Shotgun dropkick! Cannonball! Tarantula! Sunset flip!
Bianca: Counter! holds the ropes
Jess: You can't do that!
Bianca: Can't do what?
Mia: Counter!
Bianca: Counter! wraps her braid around the middle rope
Jess: Winner!
Mia: Wait, what?!No way! No! NO! That's BS!
Bianca: shrugs from the ramp and mocks Mia's complaints then blows her a kiss and hits her twirl

WWEPC Security Cam Footage: shows the Sons jumping the Viking Cougar Mellencamp Experience

"Earlier Today" at the PC: Shayna oversees a sparring session between the Underlings
Io Shirai: stomps in the place and jumps all over her
the MMA Horsewomen: swarm her
Candice LeRae: shows up and throws some shots too
Robbie Brookside and Other Assorted Black Shirts: break it up

Raul Mendoza: comes out with a new Tron
Riddick Moss: comes out with a new Tron, is working on becoming a Masterpiece
Announce: hypes the Riddick Regimen, his Simon Dean type thing
Moss: powers Mendoza to the corner then yells at Jess I'm on my own count! flexes
Raul: controls the arm and flexes himself
Moss: grabs a massager and uses it on the arm
Raul: Thigh kicks! Gamengiri! Springboard rana! Running SSP!
Moss: Kickout! catches Mendoza and does curls with him Hallaway slam! does some pushups
Full Sailors: BOOOOOO
Moss: Charging corner spear! Press spinebuster! has some water, offers Raul some
Raul: knocks it away Basement dropkick!
Moss: goes flying into the middle buckle
Raul: Headscissors into the top buckle! Step up Owenzuigiri! goes all the way up
Moss: flies at him
Raul: dodges to the apron Gamengiri! Springboard tornillo!
Jess: Winner? Holy shit, look at that: winner!
Raul: OMG
Full Sailors: cheer loudly

Matt Riddle: comes out cooly and offers some front row Full Sailors the Bro Bump
Adam Cole, BAY BAY: in a mirror of last week's main, comes out solo
Riddle: controls Cole on the mat for 3 straight exchanges
Cole: bails
Riddle: controls him on the mat some more then sees him drop down too soon Broton! Three Amibros rolling gutwrench suplays!
Full Sailors: Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!
Cole: yanks him to the mat from the second rope Pump kick!
Full Sailors: [dueling chants]
Cole: Figure fourheadlock! Stomphole! Rude Awakening! Dragon sleeper!
Riddle: grabs Cole's head after a few beats and knees it
Cole: Crack back elbow smash!
Full Sailors: Both these guys! Both these guys! Both these guys!
Cole: I'm an uncrowned champion! You're a joke! You're pathetic!
Both: go Reseda mid-ring
Cole: Leaping Owenzuigiri!
Riddle: Release German! Hard strikes! Pele kick! Corner charging forearms! Exploder! PK!
Cole: Dodge!
Riddle: Standing moonsault!
Cole: Dodge II: the Redodge...ining!
Riddle: Broton II: the Splattening! PK!
Cole: Kickout!
Riddle: German to the bridge!
Cole: Kickout!
Full Sailors: (...well, mostly) Let's go, Bro! Let's go, Bro! Let's go, Bro!
Cole: Pump kick! Oshigoroshi!
Riddle: ...kickout!
Cole: goes for a suplex
Riddle: knees it away Ripcord knee!Go to Sleep, Bro!
Cole: Get your Back Stabbed instead, dude!
Riddle: ...kickout. Bromission!
Cole: The Velveteenest of counters!
Riddle: C R O C O P
Cole: slumps
Riddle: Fisherman's buster! Annnnd...fisherman's buster! And
Cole: Last Shot v1!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...kickout
Full Sailors: Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap
Riddle: throws strikes
Cole: Superkick!
Riddle: turtles
Cole: ah ah ahhhhhhhhh! I didn't say when! One for flinching, since for that matter I didn't say here, either superkicks the knee Panama Sunset!
Riddle: Caught! Powerbomb!
Cole: Yet another artful dodge!
Riddle: wait wha
Cole: ENZUI superkick! Full Sail Last Shot!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...s shoulder flumps up at 2.8
Full Sailors: NXT! NXT! NXT! NXT!
Mauro: immediately notes the only kickouts to that move occurred just now and during Takeover: NY's main event
Cole: LOWERS THE KNEEPAD
Riddle: tries to grab him
Cole: Jumping Owenzuigiri!
Riddle: Pump knee! Bro To Sleep! Powerbomb!
Cole: wait wha
Riddle: Ripcord knee II face!
Cole: sluices outside
Roderick Strong: comes out and helps Cole up
Riddle: Screw it. Somebody's eating this PK!
Roddy: shoves Cole down and eats it
Riddle: throws Cole in and notices Roddy on the floor, front somersault flips into the
Cole: Superkick!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...kickout and reversal into the Bromission!
Cole: ...
Cole: ...
Cole: ... ... ... ... taps
Kyle O'Reilly: comes out and shoves Roddy -- not full strength but not fully pulled, either
the Undisputed Era: swarm the ring
Riddle: is already out and strutting his way to the back
Announce: calls it the biggest win of his NXTenure
Roddy: tries to help him up
Cole: won't take it
Not rEDragon: are forced to try and keep the peace
Roddy: can't be heard but is clearly gesturing with his body language he got the ref's attention to the ring ASAP after the superkick
Full Sailors: first chant for them to fight, then to hug it out
Roddy: puts his hands up in compliance but leaves on a different side of the ring than Cole
Bobby: follows him to the back trying to explain ("trying to explain"?)
Kyle: tries to console Cole, who's stomping off to the back
Cole: loud enough that the camera work picks it up, even though he's not yelling I’ve been losing big matches and he’s always involved. Won that five way by myself; didn’t need any help. Roddy tries to get involved and there’s a big, big misunderstanding.

THIS ALSO HAPPENED:
Mia Yim and Bianca BelAir: both come out to solid pops
Both: exchange holds on the mat, go for dropkicks at the same time and come up flashing the Wakanda Forever! handsign
Bianca: I see you! I see you, okay!
Mia: Yeah, I see you! Right? offers the Hand of Friendship
Bianca: feints reciprocating then throws her down by the hair GURL. UH uh! I'm un de fea
Mia: kicks her in the arm and lands the dropkick Who do you think you tried that on? Legroll! Basement dropkick! Strike party! Pele! Cannonball!
Bianca: NOPE! Stomphole! Cravate! 747!
Mia: Kickout!
Bianca: starts working her back over You want my spot? Fight me!
Mia: tries and fails to hit her several times
Bianca: shoves her down and poses
Mia: Flying guillotine!
Bianca: Snaplex counter! Ragdolled cravate!
Master Regal: presumably nodded backstage
Bianca: 1494!
Mia: does the math Knees up! Double throat chop! Shotgun dropkick! Cannonball! Tarantula! Sunset flip!
Bianca: Counter! holds the ropes
Jess: You can't do that!
Bianca: Can't do what?
Mia: Counter!
Bianca: Counter! wraps her braid around the middle rope
Jess: Winner!
Mia: Wait, what?!No way! No! NO! That's BS!
Bianca: shrugs from the ramp and mocks Mia's complaints then blows her a kiss and hits her twirl

WWEPC Security Cam Footage: shows the Sons jumping the Viking Cougar Mellencamp Experience

"Earlier Today" at the PC: Shayna oversees a sparring session between the Underlings
Io Shirai: stomps in the place and jumps all over her
the MMA Horsewomen: swarm her
Candice LeRae: shows up and throws some shots too
Robbie Brookside and Other Assorted Black Shirts: break it up

Raul Mendoza: comes out with a new Tron
Riddick Moss: comes out with a new Tron, is working on becoming a Masterpiece
Announce: hypes the Riddick Regimen, his Simon Dean type thing
Moss: powers Mendoza to the corner then yells at Jess I'm on my own count! flexes
Raul: controls the arm and flexes himself
Moss: grabs a massager and uses it on the arm
Raul: Thigh kicks! Gamengiri! Springboard rana! Running SSP!
Moss: Kickout! catches Mendoza and does curls with him Hallaway slam! does some pushups
Full Sailors: BOOOOOO
Moss: Charging corner spear! Press spinebuster! has some water, offers Raul some
Raul: knocks it away Basement dropkick!
Moss: goes flying into the middle buckle
Raul: Headscissors into the top buckle! Step up Owenzuigiri! goes all the way up
Moss: flies at him
Raul: dodges to the apron Gamengiri! Springboard tornillo!
Jess: Winner? Holy shit, look at that: winner!
Raul: OMG
Full Sailors: cheer loudly

Matt Riddle: comes out cooly and offers some front row Full Sailors the Bro Bump
Adam Cole, BAY BAY: in a mirror of last week's main, comes out solo
Riddle: controls Cole on the mat for 3 straight exchanges
Cole: bails
Riddle: controls him on the mat some more then sees him drop down too soon Broton! Three Amibros rolling gutwrench suplays!
Full Sailors: Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!
Cole: yanks him to the mat from the second rope Pump kick!
Full Sailors: [dueling chants]
Cole: Figure fourheadlock! Stomphole! Rude Awakening! Dragon sleeper!
Riddle: grabs Cole's head after a few beats and knees it
Cole: Crack back elbow smash!
Full Sailors: Both these guys! Both these guys! Both these guys!
Cole: I'm an uncrowned champion! You're a joke! You're pathetic!
Both: go Reseda mid-ring
Cole: Leaping Owenzuigiri!
Riddle: Release German! Hard strikes! Pele kick! Corner charging forearms! Exploder! PK!
Cole: Dodge!
Riddle: Standing moonsault!
Cole: Dodge II: the Redodge...ining!
Riddle: Broton II: the Splattening! PK!
Cole: Kickout!
Riddle: German to the bridge!
Cole: Kickout!
Full Sailors: (...well, mostly) Let's go, Bro! Let's go, Bro! Let's go, Bro!
Cole: Pump kick! Oshigoroshi!
Riddle: ...kickout!
Cole: goes for a suplex
Riddle: knees it away Ripcord knee!Go to Sleep, Bro!
Cole: Get your Back Stabbed instead, dude!
Riddle: ...kickout. Bromission!
Cole: The Velveteenest of counters!
Riddle: C R O C O P
Cole: slumps
Riddle: Fisherman's buster! Annnnd...fisherman's buster! And
Cole: Last Shot v1!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...kickout
Full Sailors: Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap
Riddle: throws strikes
Cole: Superkick!
Riddle: turtles
Cole: ah ah ahhhhhhhhh! I didn't say when! One for flinching, since for that matter I didn't say here, either superkicks the knee Panama Sunset!
Riddle: Caught! Powerbomb!
Cole: Yet another artful dodge!
Riddle: wait wha
Cole: ENZUI superkick! Full Sail Last Shot!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...s shoulder flumps up at 2.8
Full Sailors: NXT! NXT! NXT! NXT!
Mauro: immediately notes the only kickouts to that move occurred just now and during Takeover: NY's main event
Cole: LOWERS THE KNEEPAD
Riddle: tries to grab him
Cole: Jumping Owenzuigiri!
Riddle: Pump knee! Bro To Sleep! Powerbomb!
Cole: wait wha
Riddle: Ripcord knee II face!
Cole: sluices outside
Roderick Strong: comes out and helps Cole up
Riddle: Screw it. Somebody's eating this PK!
Roddy: shoves Cole down and eats it
Riddle: throws Cole in and notices Roddy on the floor, front somersault flips into the
Cole: Superkick!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...kickout and reversal into the Bromission!
Cole: ...
Cole: ...
Cole: ... ... ... ... taps
Kyle O'Reilly: comes out and shoves Roddy -- not full strength but not fully pulled, either
the Undisputed Era: swarm the ring
Riddle: is already out and strutting his way to the back
Announce: calls it the biggest win of his NXTenure
Roddy: tries to help him up
Cole: won't take it
Not rEDragon: are forced to try and keep the peace
Roddy: can't be heard but is clearly gesturing with his body language he got the ref's attention to the ring ASAP after the superkick
Full Sailors: first chant for them to fight, then to hug it out
Roddy: puts his hands up in compliance but leaves on a different side of the ring than Cole
Bobby: follows him to the back trying to explain ("trying to explain"?)
Kyle: tries to console Cole, who's stomping off to the back
Cole: loud enough that the camera work picks it up, even though he's not yelling I’ve been losing big matches and he’s always involved. Won that five way by myself; didn’t need any help. Roddy tries to get involved and there’s a big, big misunderstanding.

THIS ALSO HAPPENED:
Mia Yim and Bianca BelAir: both come out to solid pops
Both: exchange holds on the mat, go for dropkicks at the same time and come up flashing the Wakanda Forever! handsign
Bianca: I see you! I see you, okay!
Mia: Yeah, I see you! Right? offers the Hand of Friendship
Bianca: feints reciprocating then throws her down by the hair GURL. UH uh! I'm un de fea
Mia: kicks her in the arm and lands the dropkick Who do you think you tried that on? Legroll! Basement dropkick! Strike party! Pele! Cannonball!
Bianca: NOPE! Stomphole! Cravate! 747!
Mia: Kickout!
Bianca: starts working her back over You want my spot? Fight me!
Mia: tries and fails to hit her several times
Bianca: shoves her down and poses
Mia: Flying guillotine!
Bianca: Snaplex counter! Ragdolled cravate!
Master Regal: presumably nodded backstage
Bianca: 1494!
Mia: does the math Knees up! Double throat chop! Shotgun dropkick! Cannonball! Tarantula! Sunset flip!
Bianca: Counter! holds the ropes
Jess: You can't do that!
Bianca: Can't do what?
Mia: Counter!
Bianca: Counter! wraps her braid around the middle rope
Jess: Winner!
Mia: Wait, what?!No way! No! NO! That's BS!
Bianca: shrugs from the ramp and mocks Mia's complaints then blows her a kiss and hits her twirl

WWEPC Security Cam Footage: shows the Sons jumping the Viking Cougar Mellencamp Experience

"Earlier Today" at the PC: Shayna oversees a sparring session between the Underlings
Io Shirai: stomps in the place and jumps all over her
the MMA Horsewomen: swarm her
Candice LeRae: shows up and throws some shots too
Robbie Brookside and Other Assorted Black Shirts: break it up

Raul Mendoza: comes out with a new Tron
Riddick Moss: comes out with a new Tron, is working on becoming a Masterpiece
Announce: hypes the Riddick Regimen, his Simon Dean type thing
Moss: powers Mendoza to the corner then yells at Jess I'm on my own count! flexes
Raul: controls the arm and flexes himself
Moss: grabs a massager and uses it on the arm
Raul: Thigh kicks! Gamengiri! Springboard rana! Running SSP!
Moss: Kickout! catches Mendoza and does curls with him Hallaway slam! does some pushups
Full Sailors: BOOOOOO
Moss: Charging corner spear! Press spinebuster! has some water, offers Raul some
Raul: knocks it away Basement dropkick!
Moss: goes flying into the middle buckle
Raul: Headscissors into the top buckle! Step up Owenzuigiri! goes all the way up
Moss: flies at him
Raul: dodges to the apron Gamengiri! Springboard tornillo!
Jess: Winner? Holy shit, look at that: winner!
Raul: OMG
Full Sailors: cheer loudly

Matt Riddle: comes out cooly and offers some front row Full Sailors the Bro Bump
Adam Cole, BAY BAY: in a mirror of last week's main, comes out solo
Riddle: controls Cole on the mat for 3 straight exchanges
Cole: bails
Riddle: controls him on the mat some more then sees him drop down too soon Broton! Three Amibros rolling gutwrench suplays!
Full Sailors: Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!
Cole: yanks him to the mat from the second rope Pump kick!
Full Sailors: [dueling chants]
Cole: Figure fourheadlock! Stomphole! Rude Awakening! Dragon sleeper!
Riddle: grabs Cole's head after a few beats and knees it
Cole: Crack back elbow smash!
Full Sailors: Both these guys! Both these guys! Both these guys!
Cole: I'm an uncrowned champion! You're a joke! You're pathetic!
Both: go Reseda mid-ring
Cole: Leaping Owenzuigiri!
Riddle: Release German! Hard strikes! Pele kick! Corner charging forearms! Exploder! PK!
Cole: Dodge!
Riddle: Standing moonsault!
Cole: Dodge II: the Redodge...ining!
Riddle: Broton II: the Splattening! PK!
Cole: Kickout!
Riddle: German to the bridge!
Cole: Kickout!
Full Sailors: (...well, mostly) Let's go, Bro! Let's go, Bro! Let's go, Bro!
Cole: Pump kick! Oshigoroshi!
Riddle: ...kickout!
Cole: goes for a suplex
Riddle: knees it away Ripcord knee!Go to Sleep, Bro!
Cole: Get your Back Stabbed instead, dude!
Riddle: ...kickout. Bromission!
Cole: The Velveteenest of counters!
Riddle: C R O C O P
Cole: slumps
Riddle: Fisherman's buster! Annnnd...fisherman's buster! And
Cole: Last Shot v1!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...kickout
Full Sailors: Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap Fight Forever! clap clap clapclapclap
Riddle: throws strikes
Cole: Superkick!
Riddle: turtles
Cole: ah ah ahhhhhhhhh! I didn't say when! One for flinching, since for that matter I didn't say here, either superkicks the knee Panama Sunset!
Riddle: Caught! Powerbomb!
Cole: Yet another artful dodge!
Riddle: wait wha
Cole: ENZUI superkick! Full Sail Last Shot!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...s shoulder flumps up at 2.8
Full Sailors: NXT! NXT! NXT! NXT!
Mauro: immediately notes the only kickouts to that move occurred just now and during Takeover: NY's main event
Cole: LOWERS THE KNEEPAD
Riddle: tries to grab him
Cole: Jumping Owenzuigiri!
Riddle: Pump knee! Bro To Sleep! Powerbomb!
Cole: wait wha
Riddle: Ripcord knee II face!
Cole: sluices outside
Roderick Strong: comes out and helps Cole up
Riddle: Screw it. Somebody's eating this PK!
Roddy: shoves Cole down and eats it
Riddle: throws Cole in and notices Roddy on the floor, front somersault flips into the
Cole: Superkick!
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...
Riddle: ...kickout and reversal into the Bromission!
Cole: ...
Cole: ...
Cole: ... ... ... ... taps
Kyle O'Reilly: comes out and shoves Roddy -- not full strength but not fully pulled, either
the Undisputed Era: swarm the ring
Riddle: is already out and strutting his way to the back
Announce: calls it the biggest win of his NXTenure
Roddy: tries to help him up
Cole: won't take it
Not rEDragon: are forced to try and keep the peace
Roddy: can't be heard but is clearly gesturing with his body language he got the ref's attention to the ring ASAP after the superkick
Full Sailors: first chant for them to fight, then to hug it out
Roddy: puts his hands up in compliance but leaves on a different side of the ring than Cole
Bobby: follows him to the back trying to explain ("trying to explain"?)
Kyle: tries to console Cole, who's stomping off to the back
Cole: loud enough that the camera work picks it up, even though he's not yelling I’ve been losing big matches and he’s always involved. Won that five way by myself; didn’t need any help. Roddy tries to get involved and there’s a big, big misunderstanding.

THIS ALSO HAPPENED:



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It's the Spectacle and the Stars, Stupid

May 13, 2019, 10:50 am
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Reigns is a star, but who else is? That's a problem.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
About two weeks ago, friend of the blog Sean Reuter posted something at Cageside Seats about how Avengers: Endgame and Game of Thrones showed how WWE is lacking in terms of audience satisfaction. It's a good piece that touches on why at least the MCU has been able to engender such a positive response, both monetarily and critically while chiding WWE for the same things that everyone's been chiding them for over the last, I don't know, 50-plus years of its existence. If WWE runs a storyline, an amount of people above replacement will come out to critique its narrative direction, and rightly so. While the company can do beginnings well, the only times it has achieved satisfactory resolutions on a grand scale have been by accident, most recently with Becky Lynch's coronation at WrestleMania 35, which only happened after she went supernova and crashed the all-blonde party that had been written in stone since Brock Lesnar sent a confused and tired crowd home even more dissatisfied than they'd have been if Roman Reigns had beaten him.

However, it's not as if WWE has never been a media company with high customer satisfaction. Entertainment outfits, pro wrestling or otherwise, don't last as long as the juggernaut in American "sports entertainment" does if everyone hates it enough not to watch. Fans hating what they watch and continuing to come back out of sadism or what have you is just as effective as someone hungrily eating up everything the company puts out when it comes to bottom line. WWE reached supernova in popularity twice before the 21st Century began. Their success in this century, namely in the last decade or so, has not been as peaked as in the past, but it has been enough to start integrating wrestling into the culture in ways that it is no longer sheer mockery for fans. In case you were wondering if the writing was better in those boom periods, well, let me tell you that no, it clearly wasn't.

I mean, the most notable angle during the first boom period saw the hero meddle in a relationship and demonize the man whose woman he stole at best and at worst was two idiots treating a living, breathing human being as meat. The second boom period regularly had nonsensical swerves for swerve's sake, people breaking the fourth wall for no reason other than to titillate the smart assholes for a moment, and reveling in sex as degeneracy, disguising sex negativity in the flimsy cloak of positivity. More recent, any time WWE has pushed someone who didn't have indie bona fides in the top spot, fans revolted because those characters were "being pushed down their throats," and honestly, if you looked at the way the company wrote those guys, whether John Cena, Randy Orton, or Roman Reigns, those rebellious fans may have had a point.

Wrestling has almost never been driven by great writing or storytelling, at least not in WWE. Other territories might have been able to do on writing and angle-building alone, but that would involve arguments on whether the stars sold the angles or if the angles made the stars. Memphis and Jerry Lawler is probably the best example of this chicken/egg argument, and I'm not well-versed enough in that territory to give you a definitive answer. But with WWE, the driving force has always been the wrestlers and their outsized personalities. Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, and to an extent Andre the Giant were larger than life, and it didn't matter if the stories they were scripted to tell fell apart under the lightest scrutiny. Steve Austin, The Rock, and to an extent Vince McMahon and Mick Foley were caricatures of real life characters and they told stories that provided vicarious fulfillment for a working class growing ever so disenchanted with the idea of noble management knowing what was best. Cena and Reigns are action figures come to life who are insanely marketable and personable. Does it matter if Hogan really was a malignant shit who was really a brat on steroids crying until he got his way? The answer is "not as long as he dropped the leg and posed after the match, brother."

It all goes back to K. Sawyer Paul's theory of wrestling fans back from when he still did the International Object podcast. He split the groups into three. Wrestling fans are the first group, and they're people who stick with the sport/art no matter what. The second group is comprised of fans of wrestlers or individuals, those who see a "Stone Cold" Steve Austin or a Roman Reigns, and are immediately drawn to them. The third group is made up of fans of movements, or those who come on board because it's the "cool thing" and everyone else is doing it. The way I see it, the third group comes from the second one, at least for WWE. Wrestling fans don't create movements, to be honest, or at least they haven't had the power to until maybe very recently if at all. It's the people who see everyone flocking around those cults of personality and attract those who wanna be part of the cool kids' club.

Good writing doesn't really attract that kind of audience, at least not at first, in any form of media, let alone wrestling. Yeah, Breaking Bad and The Sopranos were prestige television with great plotting and storytelling, but they were both on little-watched networks for television series when they started. No one really thought of HBO or A&E as places to go for television, and it took time for those shows to change the reputation. Now it could be argued that both networks are so far removed from their origins BECAUSE of those shows and the years they were on the air. That's why treating "fixing the writing" as a short-term solution for WWE is misguided. If shows from scratch took so much time to garner a larger following because of their writing (I admit both shows were popular relatively when they started, but they weren't network TV popular until towards the end), how long is it going to take for WWE, a company that is known for bad stories from an insane, drug-addled carny who hates the business he inherited, to rehab their image for narrative integrity?

Hell, it's not like the MCU itself is a bastion of great writing. Outside of a few entries like Thor: Ragnarok and possibly Iron Man, every single MCU movie followed a formula that restricted director freedom and was made to maximize fan interest by capitalizing on pulp on the big screen. It just so happens that Kevin Feige's formula is a lot more fan-friendly than Vince McMahon's. As for Game of Thrones, this final season has really exposed David Benioff and DB Weiss as fraudulent writers, or at least guys who lost their fastball and have contracted a major case of senioritis with these last episodes. Yet people will still watch or binge to catch up for the finale Sunday, some out of habit, but some because the show delivers visually, whether it be nudity, violence, or cgi dragons. Sometimes, the spectacle is enough.

Much has been made of WWE's struggles, and honestly, it is a direct result of them punting on the spectacle. It has forgotten how to create stars, or even more sinister, Vince McMahon has successfully created a WWE where the name on the marquee matters more than the wrestlers, and where the real stars are his fucking family. I mean, the evidence is in all the marquee WrestleMania matches that have to rely on part-timers and returning stars from the past. It's hilarious that this year's Mania was considered an anomaly because all three competitors spent the last year as full-timers on the main roster, and yet one of them, Ronda Rousey, went on her babymaking hiatus as soon as she took that weird pinfall, an opportunity afforded to her only because she came in with massive amounts of mainstream credibility and crossover appeal, which in essence makes her no better than the Lesnars and the Triple Hs in the long-run.

You can argue that WWE has characters that are over, but are they the kinds of wrestlers who attract the Fans of Wrestlers/Individuals that marked the other boom periods? Daniel Bryan gets people to boo him vociferously, but how many people when asked about him now will either go "who?" or cite WrestleMania XXX as their most recent base of knowledge? If you ask someone to identify five members of the current WWE roster and tell them Rousey, Cena, Triple H, and Lesnar aren't eligible, would they struggle after naming Reigns and possibly Lynch? To me, this is the core problem of WWE. Something cool happens, and it attracts people to tune in, and then they see that person get booked into 50/50 oblivion like they weren't special, and then you go back to doing something with your life other than trying to invest in something that makes a point to let you know that no one in the company is allowed to stand out.

I'm not sure this changes when Vince McMahon dies, to be honest. NXT right now is probably the best wrestling the megacorporation puts out right now, and even that gets tainted by Paul "Triple H" Levesque's massive ego. He opens big Takeover events from time to time (although he's kinda cooled on it lately), and you can't really do anything good without skipping out on a selfie with him afterwards. Given how self-centered his narrative in WWE has been ever since his initial push to the top in late '99, you can't plausibly deny that he's doing it to get attention for himself, not to give attention to all the indie darlings he's hand-picking out for your enjoyment.

So much hand-wringing, a bunch that I admittedly have myself written, has been made over the quality of writing, but the best executed story won't mean shit if the people don't care about the people in said story, or if the matches surrounding it get driven into the ground with parity booking. Can you make a Steve Austin-level star just by booking the right people to win all the time? Probably not, but you can at least get someone to Cena/Reigns level. Having just one wrestler win all the time or feel important isn't enough, and when you choose people the way the Democratic party chooses presidential candidates, then it just stunts growth everywhere else. This is the fundamental change to WWE, at least creatively, that people should be focusing on. Of course, it's not as important as keeping the pressure on the company not to have Stormfront users on the roster, to provide his roster with simple benefits as "health insurance" and "not being abused by being designated an independent contractor," not to donate to a literal fascist, and not to do business with a genocidal nation, but you can focus on a lot of things as a time unless you're someone like, say, Chris Cillizza, in which case you should be given something shiny to look at and keep you busy for the day.
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Search

A Tale of Two Matches

May 13, 2019, 12:00 pm
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Another Taker match? snooooooze
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Both WWE and All Elite Wrestling announced matches for upcoming supercards today, the former for its latest Saudi Fuck Money show, Saudi Super Showdown, and the latter for its formal debut as a company, Double or Nothing. One match will resonate with more people, obviously, so it might seem unfair to compare the two, but when time has created enough distance between the present and those two shows, the other one will seem far more important to the advancement of the art of wrestling. I'll start with WWE's first:

This match would've done NUMBERS in like 2003, and it might have even been good. But now? Well, stranger things have happened, but Taker is broken down and Goldberg's story ending at WrestleMania 33 felt right. Now, AEW's offering:

To a good portion of people watching Double or Nothing, only Aja Kong might be recognizable. Chances are that at best, non-joshi fans will look at this graphic and only see three names they recognize (Kong, Emi Sakura, Hikaru Shida). Certainly, I'd need primers on the other three wrestlers, but that's not the point here. People will tune into Double or Nothing to see Chris Jericho vs. Kenny Omega or the Rhodes Brothers imploding or what have you.

Once upon a time, people tuned into an Extreme Championship Wrestling pay-per-view to see Sabu vs. Taz and Raven vs. either Terry Funk, Stevie Richards, or The Sandman. Six guys whom most Americans barely knew at the time stole the show. The Michinoku Pro tag match, featuring Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada and Masato Yakushiji vs. Men's TEIOH, Dick Togo, and TAKA Michinoku, is still looked upon fondly to this day, and it got Sasuke and TAKA into WWE in a match on what is still considered one of the greatest in-ring pay-per-views ever, In Your House: Canadian Stampede. Kong, Sakazaki, Sakura, Shida, Riho, and Mizunami can conceivably steal the show in the same manner. Kong and Sakura already are two of the greatest of all-time in joshi, and the other four will be hungry to show the greater world what they can do.

That in a nutshell shows the difference between WWE and the promotions trying bite at its worldwide hegemony. WWE is getting money from a genocidal regime that asks it for wrestlers decades out of practice and who may even be dead, while even AEW, which is still corporately-backed and not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, is taking chances on elite foreign talent to put some life in the American scene that could use it. ECW was always the overachieving indie and WWE at the time was far behind World Championship Wrestling in the national race. They took chances and got on national cable and ended up catching and beating WCW respectively. Things like this joshi trios match could end up mollifying AEW as cutting edge, while WWE is currently doing its best WCW imitation by doing seniors tour shit in Saudi Arabia. Even as their financial hegemony grows larger, it's still the best sign that the company might be facing competition sooner rather than later.
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RIP Silver King

May 14, 2019, 6:50 am
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Rest in Peace, Good Brother
Photo via WWE.com
César Cuauhtémoc González Barrón, better known as the luchador Silver King, passed away Saturday in London, England. He was 51 years old. Silver King was wrestling for the Lucha Libre World promotion against Juventud Guerrera, when he collapsed suddenly from what is believed to be a myocardial infarction. Medics administered CPR to him in the ring, but he died before an ambulance got there. The show was cancelled when the incident happened. According to The Cubs Fan (via his @luchablog account), Silver King collapsed after delivering a clothesline to Guerrera. He collapsed to all fours and then his body shut down. Someone took video of the whole thing, but out of consideration to people who may not want to see a person die on video, I will not be sharing it.

Silver King was an icon across Mexico. Son of legendary Dr. Wagner and brother to Dr. Wagner, Jr., he was a prolific wrestler across several promotions. Basically, he worked every promotion in the '90s except WWE. If you don't remember him from World Championship Wrestling, you might have seen him in the movie Nacho Libre, where he played the villain Ramses. He began his career masked, but he lost his hood to El Hijo del Santo in a lucha de apuesta in 1987. In more recent years, he'd scaled back on wrestling and decided he would concentrate on promotion in his native Torreon.

Much like with Perro Aguayo, Jr.'s death in 2015, most of the onus for Silver King's death can be placed on slow reaction to giving him medical care. Would he still be alive if he had been administered first aid more immediately and if an ambulance had been called as soon as he collapsed? It's hard to say. However, with the nature of emergencies involving the cardiovascular system, the quicker the reaction to treatment, the more of a chance the victim has of surviving. It's not a problem confined to lucha libre either. The co-promoted PROGRESS/Gabe Sapolsky joint from 2017 saw a fan pass out and shit himself with delayed activation of emergency medical services.

Still, regardless of any other implications, Silver King was a bonafide legend in lucha libre and in wrestling in total. He will be sorely missed, and 51 is far too young for anyone to die, wrestler or otherwise. Rest in Peace, Silver King.
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WWE Oddsmakers: Money in the Bank, Women's Match

May 14, 2019, 9:05 am
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Will Mandy Rose be standing victorious over Ember Moon and others on Sunday?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Every year, I handicap the field for Money in the Bank, and this year, I may be more woefully prepared for it than in any other year because I am woefully divorced from the weekly product. However, being wildly uninformed has never stopped me from prognosticating before, and I am shamelessly unafraid of being wrong. Therefore, I will continue the tradition this year for both the men's and women's matches. Today, I will run down the women's match and give each of its competitors odds. How fun!

The Field - 1000/1

This includes anyone who isn't already in the match except for one, whom I will cover later. I don't see WWE coming with an out-of-leftfield choice, not even Shayna Baszler, who really should lose the NXT World Women's Championship at Takeover: Bridgeport. The winner will come from the announced, or from a more prominent position.

Dana Brooke - 75/1

God bless Dana Brooke, but no matter how spunky her character gets or how much she improves, I don't see her getting the briefcase, at least not yet. She wouldn't be the worst choice though, but just not this year.

Becky Lynch - 50/1

Lynch is defending each one of her titles in separate matches, so the odds that she loses one are good. She has a precedent, crashing the party at the Royal Rumble after failing to capture the Smackdown Women's Championship from Asuka, so if she loses one or both of her titles, I would expect she has a shot to do the same here and win. It's a greater shot than anyone else not already in the match, but I still don't think it's an incredibly good one. That being said, I think if she loses the Smackdown title to Charlotte Flair, her odds are slightly better than if she loses the RAW title to Lacey Evans. God, that felt dirty to write. Lacey Evans as a Champion in WWE already. God.

Natalya - 25/1

Nattie is where the field starts to get a little spicy. She feels like she has an outside shot to win because WWE does this every once in awhile, having a seemingly unviable veteran win to kickstart a nostalgia run. Kane and Big Show are two prime examples of this. While Natalya doesn't feel like a real good shot to win the briefcase, well, I can't completely count her out.

Carmella - 15/1

The first ever Women's Money in the Bank winner could win again because she's young enough to be given another shot with the ball, and she's been so far out of focus in the narrative that her winning would come off as a legitimate shock. That being said, now that Smackdown belongs to Flair, I don't see them running that mini-program back. But she's not the most out-there candidate to win.

Naomi - 10/1

On one hand, I feel like Naomi is considered "past her prime" by the office, someone who is kept around to tick diversity quota boxes and as a familiar, fan-friendly face. On the other, WWE does like familiar, and Naomi has never really had a true run on top despite being the one person WWE could push to the top of its women's division that would get Stephanie McMahon all the fucking great PR she wants. So I think she has a decent shot of winning, if still outside.

Ember Moon - 8/1

Moon is a tremendous talent, but unless she turns heel, I can't slot her any higher than maybe the fourth-best odds to win. Of course, a heel turn is always in the cards for anyone not named Roman Reigns and possibly Lynch right now, and she fits the mold for a briefcase winner. She's young, hungry, and positioned to be special, the biggest sign of which is they gave her a really awful nickname that came from either Vince McMahon or Paul Levesque. That is unless Mauro Ranallo came up with the name "Shenom" all by himself, which I can't totally discount. Anyway, while I feel like Moon's first title win will come clean, in the middle of the ring in a match she was announced for beforehand with her boss finisher, I'll refrain from making her an all-in favorite.

Bayley - 5/1

I don't think WWE has given up on Bayley completely, even if her linked-by-career life mate Sasha Banks has one gilded foot out the door. I also cannot rule out the asinine idea of a heel turn when her babyface studio space on the main roster has only been explored by opening the door and stepping into the foyer. I don't feel really good about these odds, but if Bayley's in a career-changing match where she could be refitted for a fresh run, I can't put her any lower than third on the list.

Alexa Bliss - 2/1

Whatever anyone says Reigns is in WWE booking is exactly what Bliss is. It's not that she's bad; though she's not the best worker, she has the best handle on character chops. WWE needs women on top that can do things like "get heel heat" and "cut promos." That doesn't necessarily mean that she should win. But because she, along with Flair, is one of Vince McMahon's favored daughters in the division, I can see her snaking a second straight win. In fact, my fatalistic Spidey Sense with WWE booking almost dictates that she will win.

Mandy Rose - 1/1

Rose ticks so many boxes for WWE's ideal woman wrestler it's not even funny. They tried making Eva Marie a thing even though she couldn't wrestle her way out of a wet paper bag. Well, Rose has a similar look, but she can actually wrestle competently. Just because WWE is pushing a women's revolution that says it doesn't matter how you look doesn't mean they're not lying. They still want someone insanely hot and insanely White to be at the top of the division. Rose is just that. My fatalism with WWE booking may still expect Bliss to win, but common sense seems to dictate that since WWE trends "newer" with the women's winner (and believe me, though Bliss already had a few reigns for her win, she was still comparatively "new"), Rose has to be the play.

I'll be back tomorrow with the men's handicap!
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Follow-Up: Lars Sullivan Fined, To Undergo Sensitivity Training

May 15, 2019, 5:15 am
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Sullivan's been fined
Photo Credit: WWE.com
So last week, I wrote about how Lars Sullivan shouldn't have a job. I bemoaned that WWE wouldn't do anything about it because the people in charge share the same values, only not as vitriolic in a public venue where they can be documented. The only way any action would be made is if someone went to the sponsors, which would then trigger a public relations headache. Sponsor-action has precedent, as Mars Wrigley Confectionery put pressure on them to remove Fabulous Moolah's name from the Women's WrestleMania Battle Royal after people pressured them not to name such a match after an abusive pimp. As it turns out, MWC once again was the player that would put the pressure on WWE to get something done.

Fans started writing the candy giant to act once again. They gave this response to people who wrote them:
"Dear Loyal Consumer,
Thank you for reaching out to Mars Wrigley Confectionery with your comments.

We learned of Lars Sullivan's comments recently and share in your shock and disgust. As a values-based company, we find his behavior abhorrent and unacceptable. We have engaged the WWE to discuss this situation and seek to understand what actions they will take to swiftly address this matter.

We hope this information is helpful and wish you a great day!

Your Friends at Mars Wrigley Confectionery"
Before I start with the facts here, allow me to interject that in no way do I think MWC deserves any praise for this. They're not a "values-based company" unless that value is cash. Associating with a company that allows bigots to work for them without fear of reprisal costs them money. Anyway, the outcry from fans and response from MWC got some balls rolling, first with Sullivan himself, who limply attempted to give an apology, "There is no excuse for the inappropriate remarks that I made years ago. They do not reflect my personal beliefs nor who I am today, and I apologize to anyone I offended." If you note here, he didn't apologize for being a racist, sexist, xenophobic idiot. He apologized if you were offended, which is like if I ran you over and then apologized if your day was inconvenienced.

Yesterday, more action came about, as it was announced Sullivan would be fined $100,000 and sent to sensitivity training. On one hand, WWE did something where I thought it wouldn't, which is shocking. Additionally, for a low-card guy, $100,000 is a lot of money, and White supremacists should be hit where it hurts. On the other, it still feels like a relative slap on the wrist. I am skeptical that sensitivity training would work for someone who professed to love a band that sang about how the Holocaust was good, and all sensitivity training might do is teach him how to hide his racism better. Plus, if he sticks with WWE, that $100,000 will end up being a drop in the bucket. All of this feels like a bunch of circus to deflect from the fact that Vince McMahon is a White supremacist and runs his company with those values in mind. Still though, they did something, for as flaccid and showy as it was, so I guess I have to say I was wrong in that respect. I don't take it as a big loss though.
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All Elite Wrestling Is Officially on TNT

May 15, 2019, 8:00 am
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AEW made it to TNT
All Elite Wrestling, the company backed by Tony Khan's billions and run by the collective of Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks, has found a home on television, and guess where that home is...

Yep, TNT, the home of World Championship Wrestling Monday Nitro for the better part of a decade, will air the fledgling wrestling company's television output. This deal has been rumored for awhile now with conflicting reports on what the financial situation would be. More than a few people reported that AEW would be paying for time on TNT like their wrestling was an infomercial. This practice may seem backwards given how much money networks are tripping over themselves to give WWE, but it's not an uncommon practice historically at least. More than a few promotions in the territory days bought time on local television, the most notable being Memphis/Mid-South. However, they could buy the time locally because local TV was cheap and Memphis was one of the most lucrative, well-attended territories.

Dave Meltzer, however, reported that it wasn't a time-buy. On one hand, he's the closest wrestling "journalist" to Rhodes and the Bucks, but on the other, a lot of his opinion pieces have been overly flattering to the group, both in the ring and out, so people have raised questions whether he's reporting or repeating propaganda. To be honest, I really don't care either way. Besides, if they did have to buy time on TNT, look whom they have backing the fucking company. Tony Khan can shell out the money, so he should. Either way, the official report from Hollywood Reporter doesn't make mention of the financials, but it did make sure to include the least flattering picture of Chris Jericho they could find.

TNT having wrestling again evokes a certain nostalgia, and the network didn't really help dissuade that affinity for the past by using inferno in the background that was a trademark of Nitro's aesthetic. Hopefully, AEW doesn't try to evoke the more negative portions of WCW, as in the bait-and-switch booking and egos run amok. Of course, it'll be hard to tell what path the promotion will tread until it runs a first official show. Speaking of which, part of the deal includes streaming of Double or Nothing, and I would assume other special events, on Turner's Bleacher Report streaming service.

No matter what way you slice it, getting on TNT or Turner networks in general after the company wanted to rid itself of wrestling in 2002 (the reason why Vince McMahon was able to buy WCW in the first place) is a coup for AEW. Even though cable TV is declining in importance, it's not dead yet, and TNT is certainly at least five steps above whatever bobo channels Ring of Honor or Impact Wrestling have been relegated to, although I really shouldn't talk shit about Pop TV. That network has given the world Schitt's Creek, one of the best shows of the last five years. But I digress. AEW getting such prominent television is only good news, not just for them, but for wrestling itself.
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