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WWE Oddsmakers: Money in the Bank, Men's Match

May 15, 2019, 11:00 am
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Is the briefcase McIntyre's to lose?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Yesterday, I handicapped the women's Money in the Bank match. Today, I will handicap the men's match, which I feel will probably close the show after reports that the McMahon-Levesque-Dunn regime at the top of the company is blaming women's wrestling for its recent downturn in ratings. Sure, it's not the fact that the company has sucked at creating stars in the last who knows how many years or that the scripts regularly get rewritten because an insane septuagenarian has a change of heart. It's the women, sure.

Before I get into the actual oddsmaking, I'd like to publicly vent that WWE put its fifth (or fourth, depending on how you feel about Survivor Series) biggest pay-per-view, not only right after WrestleMania, but head-to-head with the Game of Thrones series finale. That is some stinky bullshit, let me tell you. Vince McMahon will cower from the National Football League, putting on big segments of RAW directly across from halftime of Monday Night Football, which thanks to Sunday Night Football's prominence in the last decade has become a shell of its former importance, but he won't shift things around so that his theoretically starmaking show isn't across from the latest instance of monoculture. Like, he couldn't have put Backlash or Payback or Wrestling Match: The Pay-Per-View opposite the finale if he was going to run there at all? Fuck that shit, man. Anyway, now that that's off my chest, the men's Money in the Bank match odds:

Sami Zayn - 1,000,000/1

Zayn's new character where he's actively feuding with the fans absolutely sucks. Like, I like Zayn a lot, and I think he's great at making lemonade out of lemons, but this shit has been played by WWE for so long that it hurts me to see a guy so talented going back to telling the fans to go to hell just to get heel heat. Just the cheapest of cheap bullshit that really has no endgame in sight. I mean, what's the point of this? Is he gonna go into the crowd and offer up everyone in attendance at WrestleMania for a fair one? However, that's not the reason he's not winning the briefcase. I guarantee Braun Strowman will murk him at stealing his spot at some point, whether before the match or during it. If Zayn comes anywhere close to winning this briefcase, I will eat every single hat in my household.

Braun Strowman - 100/1

I have no doubts Strowman will play into this match, whether forcibly replacing Zayn after giving him The Mountain-on-Oberyn Martell treatment (don't click the link if you're squeamish, that's a content warning for INSANELY GRAPHIC VIOLENCE), or just by showing up because he's the Monster among Men. But as for winning? If he didn't beat Brock Lesnar at Saudi Fuck Money II: Fucklectric Boogaloo, he's not winning the title ever, or at least not soon. He'll be the next in the line of Andre the Giant-types for a company that has not booked one correctly since Andre the Giant was still alive.

The Field - 100/1

Again, I don't really see an out-of-nowhere winner here either. It's not the year with more than a few guys who could win the thing in play.

Ricochet - 50/1

Ricochet rules, and I think he could be the guy who breaks through for little dudes on the main roster. That being said, it's not gonna be this year. He's in the match to do some crazy shit and probably take a gigantic bump that no one other than Jeff Hardy would in their right minds would ever take. He will come out of the match looking like an absolute star, no doubt, but I will be surprised if he wins the thing.

Baron Corbin - 25/1

I know they refreshed his character, and he's quietly become a main event guy on RAW. I'm not sure if that's more a commentary on how bad WWE is at allocating talent or how much Corbin has improved, but that's besides the point. That being said, his first Money in the Bank run was one of the limpest and weakest ever produced. I mean, at least Damien Sandow lost his a few months after the fact and not a few weeks. I think he'll continue to be in the main event periphery, but I don't think they make the same mistake again of giving him the briefcase.

Mustafa Ali - 20/1

Vince McMahon loves taking components of peoples' names from them almost as much as he likes withholding things like health insurance and being able to be called employees. Regardless, Kofimania doesn't happen if Ali doesn't get hurt, and even though I doubt WrestleMania was going to feature him if he didn't get hurt, I think they might play that note for an embittered run to the top for the former Beating Heart of 205 Live. Would I turn Ali heel? No, but again, WWE hasn't met a person on its roster it didn't want to give a black hat to unless they were on top of the show. It's not extremely likely, but Ali is where the tide starts turning from "unlikely" to "yeah, I can see it."

Finn Bálor - 12/1

I feel like that SummerSlam '16 match was it for Bálor. McMahon saw him get hurt, and you know how much he detests things like sickness and injury and sees it as a fault unless he has some weird justification to continue pushing him. For some reason, Bálor doesn't have that justification. Weird. Anyway, I can't totally discount him because you never know, but he feels like another "special attraction" type dude who'll always gravitate around the midcard titles.

Randy Orton - 5/1

Every once in awhile, WWE will turn around and give a veteran a briefcase win just for the hell of it. Orton seemed to have gotten that in 2013, but he didn't as it was part of a larger storyline, maybe his last gasp as a major main event guy who wasn't just some dude on the periphery. That being said, I have this fear that WWE will give him the Kane/Big Show win just because he has that OUT OF NOWHERE finish that works so well with a cash-in. In fact, now that John Cena is off making movies, and Orton has absolutely no mainstream marketability, he's definitely going to win so HE can break Ric Flair's Championship record, isn't he? Oh no. OH NO. ORTON'S GONNA WIN AND I'M GONNA PUKE ALL OVER THE FLOOR AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Andrade "Cien" Almas - 5/2

Seriously, McMahon chopping up people's names is just fuckin' weird. Anyway, Andrade might be the Mexican superstar they've allegedly wanted forever, and he isn't old and battered like Rey Mysterio or an utter shithead like Alberto del Rio. I've been projecting him to win even before last year's match, and when he wasn't in it, I shook my head. The thing is, he'd be the perfect winner, especially with Zelina Vega directing him on when to cash in. The only problem is one other guy feels like he has a better shot...

Drew McIntyre - 2/1

...and it's the guy who wrestled Roman Reigns at WrestleMania. Ever since WWE hired him back, McIntyre has felt destined to cash in on the promise he was laden with when he came up to main for the first time all those years ago. Whether he'll be a good briefcase-holder or Champion remains to be seen, but they seem really, really high on him this time around. While on the surface it feels like a no-brainer, the only thing keeping me from going sub-1/1 odds on him is I feel like Andrade is just as viable and very much in play in case they want to "swerve" people from the obvious choice.

And thus the odds for Money in the Bank have been laid down. Now, enjoy as someone from out of leftfield wins both matches!
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 259

May 16, 2019, 10:40 am
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Rhodes' AEW will be in good shape in a year, although decidedly without his wins/losses mattering shtick
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 280 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

I was asked this question in a prior TweetBag with no real clarity of thought (and also with a longer timeframe), but now with the announcement of their landing on a prime cable television network with a streaming service to back it, I feel confident that All Elite Wrestling will be in a good spot next year. I feel like they'll surpass Ring of Honor pretty easily, since they have TNT and ROH has whatever godforsaken obscure network they're on now in addition to whatever Sinclair local stations they're on. They won't be close to WWE in terms of total revenue, but I can see them being culturally relevant and talked about as the "second-place" promotion.

Of course, I'm not entirely sold on Cody Rhodes' vision for a more wins/losses and stats based approach to storytelling. I think you can do sports build without delving into the "WE'RE REALLY REALLLLLL" territory. It's telling that ROH and EVOLVE both kinda dropped their "wins and losses MATTER" identities pretty quickly. The best way to make wins and losses matter isn't by having a standings matrix as much as it is by telling great stories where the wins and losses do matter, but I'm preaching to the choir. My point is, don't be surprised if AEW is both still around and doing well in a year but also having dropped that whole identity as well.

Protected user @earthdog asks:
What is your take on Uber? #TweetBag
Uber sucks shit. That's the short answer.

The long answer is also that Uber sucks shit, but here's why. In theory, a ridesharing app is a good idea, as long as that app is something that allows drivers to keep all of the proceeds. After all, the app itself, though vital to the process, does the least amount of heavy lifting. The onus for the upkeep of the car, security for unruly passengers, gas, and insurance is all on the driver. So unless the people behind the app decide that they're going to pay for all those incidental costs, they really have no right to anything outside of a nominal fee for usage of the app, which should probably be like one percent of the proceeds. For anyone who has ever used a ridesharing app, that is certainly not the case.

Tech ghouls think they're entitled to money for inventing something that's already been invented with an ear towards totally eliminating the labor that makes the early stages possible. Haven't you heard that Uber will only become profitable when it has self-driving cars? Yeah, that was the endgame all along. So no, I do not support Uber or Lyft or any other ridesharing app that looks to snooker the American workforce out of even more money.

So you're taking away Sami Zayn, Kevin Owens, Big E, Andrade, Samoa Joe, and Aleister Black, eh? Oh fine. The layup selections are Braun Strowman (who skipped NXT), Ali (because you didn't say 205 Live counted), Xavier Woods, and Cesaro. Because you're allowing me to stock it, I'm eschewing Baron Corbin, who's a joke, and Bobby Lashley, who needs some retooling to be someone I'd want in this thing. Anyway, half the field is full, so I'm going to stock it with these four guys as well:
  • Shelton Benjamin - He's Mr. Money in the Bank without ever winning, and you know what, he's the perfect guy to guide the action
  • Zack Ryder - A gold watch opportunity, if you will (lol he's not winning)
  • Rusev - The fact that he's not a main event dude in WWE right now speaks to a lot of flaws, so give him the opportunity.
  • Keith Lee - He doesn't need the NXT Championship. He doesn't need NXT. Let him bask in the briefcase opportunity.
As for who wins, I'm deep in my bias here, but it's gotta be Cesaro, man. Don't let him leave WWE as "the best guy never to win the title."

I really don't know, because AEW just womping WWE in the ratings will lead McMahon to trying hard, and when he tries hard, bad things happen. Remember, he only really goes with good ideas that are not his, and nearly every boom period in WWE history under his watch has been by accident. Remember, he wanted to name Steve Austin "Chilly McFreeze," and Vince Russo — YES THAT VINCE RUSSO — had to talk him off the ledge and tell him to book an edgier, more realistic product. Of course, you can't give Russo too much credit, because *gestures broadly at the hundreds of awful midcard gimmicks that were scrapped after a month at the latest*. Anyway, him trying hard would make WWE even worse.

However, if he were Thanos'd off the planet, and assuming Kevin Dunn went with him because he's the Smithers to McMahon's Mr. Burns, I'm not sure if WWE gets better. I mean, everyone knows that WWE writers have a thankless job because McMahon vetoes everything to put his insane babble on, but I've seen some ideas from writers that they've pitched, and hoo boy, they were some of the most awful shit ever. Plus, anyone using NXT as an example that Paul Levesque would do better ignores that NXT's top story for the last two years was rambling and overly complex even considering that Tommaso Ciampa has been snakebitten with injury luck. Plus, he's already booking parts of the show now, and I'm not sure you can blindly attribute the good things to him and the bad things to Dear Father-in-Law.

So, what would be better? How about Vince McMahon dies AND AEW wallops WWE in the ratings. That might work.

First, allow me to give my review of Detective Pikachu. It rules. Hard. Go see it yesterday, even if you've never gotten any exposure to Pokémon in your life.

As for other genre films, I am confident in saying that I think any of them could work as long as you didn't run down the path of modeling a movie out of the trainer lifestyle mold of the main RPGs/anime. I think if you want to see a movie about a trainer, you'd be better served to watch those animated movies featuring Ash Ketchum. If they stay away from that mold, they could have an incredibly successful live-action thing going. The world of Pokémon is as expansive and diverse as you could ever want it to be. You could do a ghost story movie centered around Giratina or just plain old Ghost-types in a haunted house or even having Mimikyu bother Pikachu. You could do a Godzilla-style kaiju movie involving any of the behemoth legendary/mythical monsters from the various games, like Dialga vs. Palkia or Groudon vs. Kyogre. You could adapt Pokémon Mystery Dungeon into a treasure-hunting Indiana Jones-type movie. Hell, if they even wanted to, they could do a Must Love Dogs-style rom-com with Pokémon in the dog role. The possibilities are endless.

Honestly, I'm not sure it would look so different right now given how packed a WWE schedule looks like. Wrestlers have at least one if not two-or-three television dates a week, and then they work at least two house shows. No matter how much in love with the business you are, you don't work for six or seven straight days a week. These wrestlers need downtime. That being said, I could see a wrestler not booked on a pay-per-view or where creative "had nothing for them" taking dates in other companies. But I feel like that would be rare, and even with the freedom of being "independent" that brass would have a list of no-go promotions. So if, say, Tyler Breeze wanted to flex his muscle while being relegated to Main Event duty, he couldn't haul off and take dates with say, New Japan Pro Wrestling. The life might have a few opportunities like with Jushin Liger working that odd Takeover or Minoru Suzuki getting DDT or Game Changer Wrestling gigs every once in awhile, but because of how overreaching WWE is, I'm not sure it would change too much.

First, thank you for your kindness, and I'm not too sad about the loss given that Kawhi Leonard's shot needed like four separate miracles, one per bounce, to go in. Still, it's a lot better than losing to the Celtics even if it was a sweep, y'know? Anyway, before the playoffs began, I said that my brain told me it was going to be Warriors/Raptors in the final. It's a lot easier to pencil in the Dubs into their spot because they won game one of their series with Portland convincingly. The Bucks/Raptors series is a bit harder to call, because it's hard to deny Milwaukee with the way Giannis Antetokounmpo has been playing this year. I feel like if Antetokounmpo or Leonard faltered, the Bucks' supporting staff would be more likely to pick the team up than the Raptors, and that kinda bore out in game one of their series, when the Bucks came back after Leonard went cold in the fourth quarter.

That being said, I think people are sleeping on how much of a game-changing force Leonard can be. I think he's got a few more virtuoso performances in him to get the Raps to the Finals, where they'll take the Warriors to six games at least. I still wanna say the Warriors win the whole thing, but to be fair, that Raptors team, even with guys like Kyle Lowry and Marc Gasol disappearing from big spots at times, feels way more complete than either of the LeBron James-led Cavs teams that the Dubs beat in the last two years. I could be wrong here.

Don't take this as tacit admission that I'm rooting for the Raptors though. I would be happy if Milwaukee won, and I think that me often being wrong at these things should give Bucks fans some solace for their team going forward. Really, anyone but Golden State, but even if they do win, well, at least it's not the fucking Celtics.

The best option for the short-term is probably Joey Janela, mainly because he's already proven to be a big name through his GCW produce shows and his ability to channel his inner crazy like no other. He'll wrestle anyone in any style. Longer term, I think, as long as she doesn't get signed, Allie Kat might be the one to hold the torch. She's got an incredible gimmick, is a good worker, and will wrestle men or women. Maybe the indies need someone who will show the world that gender is a work and a wrestler is a wrestler no matter what genitalia they have or what gender they identify as.

Pro wrestling story is easy. The Summer of Punk II: Punk Harder, ends with CM Punk giving Triple H 15 of his shitty Go 2 Sleeps, putting Alberto del Rio in a wood chipper, and headlining WrestleMania by defeating The Rock clean as a whistle in the middle of the ring while John Cena makes sour faces on the outside of the ring.

For a movie, I would redo Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. I wouldn't really change the story too much, but I would probably doctor the script to take George Lucas' bitter divorcee stank off it and give a much more hopeful tenor to Anakin's and Padme's budding romance. Oh, and the the battle at the pit on Geonosis would have been choreographed by the same people who do Tony Jaa movies. Also Jango Fett would be Tony Jaa.

I'm going to out myself again as a food FRAUD by saying I've never had Jarritos. Having said that and thus being unable to gauge that combo against my favorite, I would say that a juicy cheeseburger and an ice cold pilsner-style beer is pretty hard to beat for me. Pilsners are refreshing, and the crispness and lighter flavor help cut through the burger's fat. That's my go-to.

Honestly, I'm a bit worried that he'll go stir crazy enough to tweet himself out of a job, or worse, into a Vince McMahon-directed comedy gimmick that only serves to get rubes to laugh at him and not with him. But without that fear in mind, yes, his Twitter lately has been magnificent, although I'm worried he'll catch a beating from Becky Lynch's dad for going too far into horny territory over her mom. I guess all the great comics have to blur some lines if not cross them.
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RIP Ashley Massaro

May 17, 2019, 5:35 am
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RIP to a real one
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Ashley Massaro, former WWE wrestler, Playboy model and Survivor contestant, died yesterday. She was 39 years old. The cause of death has not been released yet, although police do not have a cause of death, they are classifying it as "non-criminal."The Blast reported that a rescue call came from her home in Smithtown, NY at 5:23 AM yesterday morning (May 16). She died at the hospital. She is survived by her daughter, Alexa.

Massaro's WWE career began by winning Diva Search in 2005. She found a niche with a punk rock aesthetic that differentiated herself from the pack. However, she was a victim of the era, entered into WWE too late to wrestle men and too early to have been part of the "women's revolution." As such, one of her big angles involved her Playboy spread, which in and of itself isn't bad, but given how much worse WWE was at objectifying women even 12 years ago than it is today, well, it wasn't a good look. She would leave WWE in 2008 to care for her sick daughter. Massaro's entertainment career also involved a guest spot on the CW show Smallville, a stint on Survivor: China, and spots in two music videos.

Two years ago, Massaro joined a class action lawsuit against WWE for its negligence towards brain trauma from repeated bumps by its performers. Additionally, Massaro alleged that she was sexually assaulted at a military base in Kuwait during the 2006 Tribute to the Troops. The WWE doctor at the time told her it was probably best not to report it to authorities. Both of those things combined might be enough to make someone swear off wrestling or at least WWE, and it once again paints an awful portrait of what receiving medical "care" in the company looks like. Regardless, Massaro stayed away from wrestling for nearly a decade before returning to a one-off indie appearance with Jillian Hall in 2017. According to former WWE wrestler Bull James (Bull Dempsey), Massaro was in training to return to the ring at the New York Wrestling Connection school.

Even though her run in WWE wasn't critically acclaimed, she was still a performer that brought happiness to a lot of people for whatever reason. Any analysis of her time in WWE cannot be done without examining the climate in which she performed, and even thusly, no one should die before the age of 40. She touched a lot of people, whether her coworkers or her fans or especially her daughter. Ashley Massaro will be missed. Rest in peace.
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NXT In 60 Seconds for May 15, 2019

May 17, 2019, 9:00 am
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BOMBS AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Beth Phoenix: replaces Percy Watson at the announce table

Viking Cougar Mellencamp: come out
Full Sailors: WAR! chants
VCM: Over the past few weeks we've raided Monday Night Raw and brutalized the tag division.We're ar from done there but since we're still the champs...well, we'd like Mr. Regal to please join us out here right now.
Master Regal: comes out
Full Sailors: chant for him
VCM: Since there's no one that can take the titles from us, we relinquish the titles. put them on Regal
Full Sailors: D-Bry NO! chants
Master Regal: I must say that I'm surprised. I
Street Profits: come out
Montez Ford: Y'all said no one, right? No one could beat you? A few weeks ago we brought the fight to you and maybe everyone else is scared of the Viking Raiders. But the NXT Universe realized, and you realized that we can beat you.
Full Sailors: Ring the bell! Ring the bell! Ring the bell!
Profits: About to relinquish the belts, you're on RAW ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh because deep down you know we can beat you, Viking Raiders.
Angelo Dawkins: (sotto voce but loud enough) If those ARE your real names.
the Rebranding Experience: drops their mics
Not Rowe I Guess: (directly to Regal) Make the match.
the Champions: leave
Master Regal: makes the match
Profits: try to get Regal to dance with them, which sadly fails to work

God's Production Team: shows us last week's main and the subsequent online vid of Cole getting bleeped out multiple times yelling at Roddy
Queen Cathy: I note Roderick Strong isn't with you guys this week. Is it due to the argument over Undisputed Era leadership?
Adam Cole: I don't know where the man who cost me my match last week is.
Random People in the Background: moving somewhere quickly and with intent
Cole: So far as the leader of the Era, that's never been in question. And let me say this
Roderick Strong: walks up I've been thinking about what happened all week, and you're right: we're stronger when we're on the same page. hands him a flip flop The Riddle problem has been taken care of. So what's next?
Cole: chuckles, hands him an armband
the Era: walk off together

Cezar Bononi: comes out
Keith Lee: comes out to a big pop
Mauro Ranallo: notes both Keith and Dominik Dijakovic have had injury problems recently, scuttling the rematch for a bit
Keith: Grizzly Magnum!
Cezar: Body blows! And now to whip you into the ropes
Keith: is not moved
Cezar: Ahem! And NOW to whip you into the ropes
Keith: see above
Cezar: Maybe now I can
Keith: yells Southpaw grammar! Shotei in the chest! Corner line! Pounce! Spirit Bomb!
Referee: Winner!

Queen Cathy: announces Shayna/Io for Ms. Goldie on the 1st
the Forgotten Sons: are pissed the Profits are getting handled a title opportunity and go past her into Regal's office to complain

Kona Reeves: this does not spark joy
KUSHIDA: this does
Kona: gets a brief advantage on the mat
KUSHIDA: sees him and raises him
Drew Gulak: is out to watch this match for no good reason besides setting up a dope match so let's do it
Kona: Kneelift! Snaplex! Modified katihajime!
KUSHIDA: lol sure thing nerd Gamengiri! Springboard chop! Handspring back elbow! Hiptoss into the cartwheel basement dropkick!
Kona: bails
KUSHIDA: Cannonball! PK to the arm! Around the horn into the Hoverboard Lock!
Referee: Winner!
Drew: understandably looks unmoved and leaves

Bianca BelAir: coaching Queen Cathy through the hallway on their way to Regal's office
Mia Yim: is around the corner from there
Bianca: You out here probably trying to take away my title opportunity against Shayna but I already took care of you, see?
Mia: I don't want Shayna, I want you. You didn't take care of me, you took a shortcut, and now I'm gonna handle my business. leaves
Bianca: huffs, walks into Regal's office and slams the door
Queen Cathy: :(

Matt Riddle: getting his ribs taped up
Johnny Gargano: talks to him and the doctor, then the invisible interviewer Well, they made the Bro angry. They'll regret that. I know they're coming for me since I'm holding Goldie, and I don't care - Master Regal's granted me a rematch with Cole on the 1st.

Vanessa Borne: comes out with Aliyah
Jessie: makes her NXTV debut
Vanessa: pretty much squashes her
Jessie: My spin heel kick is nice, though.
Vanessa: My off the ropes twisting Christian DDT is better. By a lot.
Referee: Winner!

Profits: come out to challenge
Raiders: come out to defend
Rowe: Woo knee!
Montez Ford: tags in
Rowe: Judo knee!
Raiders: Assisted hip attack!
Angelo Dawkins: spears away the Mjolnir attempt
He and Hanson: exchange three cartwheels
Angelo: Spinebuster! Tag!
Ford: Five shot frog splash!
Hanson: Kickout!
Forgotten Sons: as usual, show up and ruin everything
Allied Strikers: come out a bit after that
Profits: hit the Blockbuster Device on Rowe and Dawkins counts three before they leave
Raiders: lay out the Sons and Strikers before laying down the belts and bowing
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Double or Nothing Loses a Huge Match

May 20, 2019, 6:00 am
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Neville is off Double or Nothing
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Just eight days before the airing of Double or Nothing, All Elite Wrestling's official debut show, the card took a major hit. PAC vs. Adam Page, which was reportedly slotted to be the main event, was scrapped after "creative differences." The news dropped Saturday. PAC is also currently the Dragon Gate Open the Dream Gate Champion, the promotion's top title. Dragon Gate has wished for him not to lose any matches outside the promotion to keep him and the title strong. In order to put various opponents of his over, he has worked time-limit draws, but apparently, AEW brass strongly wanted Page to win the match. PAC will now not appear on the show, although it is assumed that his partnership with AEW is not in jeopardy. The two shot a match with a disqualification finish in England with an angle explaining the match being scrapped.

While Page/PAC was probably not the most star-studded match on the show, it was built as having massive implications for the company's top Championship. Losing match strikes a major blow as it was the freshest and most narratively relevant top match on the show. Chris Jericho vs. Kenny Omega will probably slide into the main event spot, but Jericho is far past his prime as a regular performer. Cody Rhodes vs. his brother Dustin shows that schism in an even bigger fashion. It wasn't a lock to be the best match on the show with the Young Bucks vs. Lucha Bros. (Penta El Zero M and Rey Fénix) and the joshi six-woman match on the show. However, it was going to be the most important match at the intersection of quality and narrative relevance.

Personally, I pin this all on the booking offices, namely AEW's. They wanted PAC, which is fine, because he's an incredible wrestler who does incredible things. However, as soon as he got his freedom from WWE, the first place he went was Dragon Gate, which though may be the third most relevant promotion in Japan after New Japan and All Japan, it's still a big and important promotion. Rhodes, the Jacksons, and Tony Khan really should have looked into this before booking the match, especially since PAC had won the Dream Gate Championship. Communication between people planning these kinds of shows is of the most vital importance. If I'm to believe that people in capital work so hard and do more than the labor, especially in wrestling, then maybe they shouldn't let things like these lapse.

As for Page's opponent, AEW said they'll have an announcement this week. I'm not sure who will fill in for PAC. Maybe it'll be someone from the Over Budget Casino Battle Royale like Joey Janela, MJF, or Jimmy Havoc. Maybe it'll be someone who hasn't signed yet. Maybe someone will do double duty. However, I'm sure they'll have some contingency. In the meantime, let this be a cautionary tale. If AEW doesn't want to make the same pitfalls as WWE, it should make sure it does better, from the front office down.
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Brock Lesnar? Really?

May 20, 2019, 10:30 am
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I don't need or want to see this again
Photo Credit: WWE.com
I didn't watch all of Money in the Bank. I missed the first hour because I was being a dad, and I missed the main event because that's about when my wife got home to watch the series finale of Game of Thrones that we had on DVR delay because she went to a show during the live airing. What I did see was mostly good for a post-Saudi Fuck Money pay-per-view. AJ Styles and Seth Rollins finished their Universal Championship match hot as a volcano. Kofi Kingston and Kevin Owens surpassed them in the WWE Championship match later on. Before all of that happened though, WWE pulled out one of the most brilliant booking decisions in a quick minute by orchestrating the transition of the Smackdown Women's Championship from Becky Lynch to Charlotte Flair to Bayley. If the snippet of show from 8 PM ET until around 10:20 PM was all that Money in the Bank was, then it would've been one of the better non-Big 4 shows in recent memory.

Vince McMahon and WWE deciding to go with its fourth- or fifth-most important pay-per-view head-to-head with the aforementioned series finale to the most recent instance of monoculture in the modern popular vernacular seemed like a mistake even as Thrones started to veer wildly towards hasty demise after the landmark third episode this season "The Long Night." Last night's finale was met with mixed reactions from fans and critics alike, even if most of those reactions were negative. It's not the first time a monocultural event met with disappointment. How I Met Your Mother, The Sopranos, The Dark Knight Rises, and LOST, for example, all went out to questionable endings, even though all of them will have some vociferous defenders (for example, I swear by the final season and finale of LOST even if it gets me into more fights with mutual acquaintances on social media than any other stance I have). Thrones fits here because after that landmark battle at Winterfell episode, the writers seemed to cram more material and plot advancement in three episodes than belonged there. HBO apparently offered showrunners David Benioff and DB Weiss ten episodes, which they refused, but honestly, what they tried to fit in the back half of this season really needed about two more seasons of fleshing out.

Wrestling fans are used to this kind of big show disappointment, especially people who have stayed with the medium after the purchase of World Championship Wrestling. WWE has at times been uninspired at best with its PPV offerings, and even if the shows themselves have had good-to-outstanding wrestling, the booking decisions have set off fervor. So basically, wrestling fans know the drill that a lot of prestige television fans go through maybe once every couple of years at the most frequent. However, I'm not sure anyone expected WWE to tell Weiss and Benioff to hold its beer with the finish of the men's briefcase match, but in retrospect, I'm not sure McMahon likes being upstaged, even if it's by a show with which it only shares staged violence in common. So he called out Brock Lesnar.

Yes, Lesnar's artificially-extended forever reign with the Universal Championship ended at WrestleMania, a grateful public reveling in Rollins presumably sending his ass back to Ultimate Fighting Championship. So you'll have excuse my and everyone else's exhaustion that he'd show up again to spring another presumed forever-reign on the company. If Lesnar is the panacea for sliding ratings that are rumored to have Smackdown canceled before it even begins on Fox, then I would suggest he refer to the famous quote from Narcotics Anonymous pamphlets in the late 19th Century, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." None of the evidence shows he moves the needle anyway. Basically, Lesnar and Ronda Rousey only really fill the "big name" quotient because people know who they are independently, or more accurately, because of exploits in UFC. It might help if WWE knew individuality and cult of personality sold tickets over homogeneity, but I already wrote that piece recently.

In reality, Lesnar having the briefcase severely limits its implementation. He doesn't wrestle on any TV dates, so any cash-in on RAW or Smackdown is out the window. He only shows up to selected pay-per-views. If he cashes in early, then he either undoes WrestleMania with Rollins or it's terrible optics with Kingston. WWE already has Lars Sullivan running amok on television, and despite lightly punishing him for being an intractable racist goon, they seem to still want to have him attacking anyone with skin darker than a light sunburn from the Jersey Shore. I mean, the company letting him murk all three Lucha House Party members last night shows how dedicated they are to assuaging concerns that it's not fascist-adjacent in any way possible. So having the arch-Aryan dude whose bigotry isalso on record would just dogpile onto those bad optics at the very least. If they wait to have him cash in, well, maybe that might be the best option depending on whom he cashes in, but the resulting title reign, unless he hilariously fails in his cash-in, would be a return to narrative problems that have plagued the company in recent memory.

Lesnar's surprise appearance (by some accounts a surprise to the workers themselves, but I'm wary of those backstage "leaks" at convenient times) was perhaps the one thing that could have made the Thrones finale seem satisfactory to people who didn't enjoy it. I shouldn't be surprised; WWE has made it a mission statement to perfect the art of a disappointing big event finish. Yet folks like myself still tune in every time a PPV airs, because maybe we're the enablers and have the big problem. Then again, no matter who buys the show or not, it should be the responsibility of the wrestling company to do something that resonates satisfactorily with its audience, especially if you consider pro wrestling, or at least just WWE, not to be art but a capitalistic venture of supply and demand. If it was art, I might be able to defend the vision, but McMahon has never been in the business of making art. He's in the business of making money, which is probably problem number one.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for May 20, 2019

May 20, 2019, 12:45 pm
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He's back and ready to go
Photo via Eagles Wire
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Carson Wentz (Last Poll: 1) - His 2018 season ended in ignominy with a backbreaking loss to the Cowboys, but it turns out that his back literally was broken, although no one really knows when. However, the word dropped that he will have no limitations at organized team activities (which are optional, by the by) this year. Wentz will have a lot of pressure this season since he will have no Big Dick Nick (Foles) security blanket backing him up. Cody Kessler, Nate Sudfeld, and Clayton Thorson don't exactly inspire the fear that Foles did. But I have faith in my quarterback to get the Eagles back where they belong, and that's the Super Bowl, baby.

2. Game of Thrones Viewers (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - It's easy to lose sight of the real heroes from last night, the people who stayed aboard for eight seasons even though the wheels started coming off around, oh, I don't know, season three, episode nine. People will judge them on their complaints, but I mean, look at the last three episodes from this season. Those shitheads David Benioff and DB Weiss packed like two seasons worth of advancement into three episodes. Grey Worm might as well have been put under a spell to go from noble infantry leader to The Co-Inventor of War Crimes! So to all my fellow 73-episode trekkers, I salute you.

3. Orange Cassidy (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - It's hard defending the Independent Wrestling Championship all the time, but especially when noted trickster god Joey Janela dresses up like you and calls himself Tangerine Cassidy to try and sneak the belt off your waist. You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool ol' Orange Cassidy, you do.

4. Hiromu Takahashi (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Look, I don't know what "The D" he's referring to is here, but anything to fuck with that idiot Will Ospreay is okay by me.

5. Bayley (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Her turn last night winning the briefcase and doing the rare babyface post-match surprise cash-in framed around running in to save Becky Lynch and the crowd roaring in approval in the background shows you really can't hold a shining talent down. I hope that WWE won't punt this in the longer term, but I don't have hope. Still, it's good to have moments, y'know?

6. MizDad (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - He made the list when he did a run-in at Absolute Intense Wrestling, but then when I heard it was a shoot, well, I had to include him with honors. Miz might be a company man, but his dad, whoo, he's a wildman for sure.

7. Everything Bagels (Last Poll: Not Ranked)HOLZERMAN HUNGERS OFFICIALLY-SPONSORED RANKING - They are both the perfect conveyance for sandwiches with the extra flavor on the outside, but they also stand tall on their own with cream cheese, butter, jelly, or whatever you schmear on there. The seasoning is savory to its core, but it pairs well with sweet flavors. Everything bagels, I salute you.

8. People Throwing Milkshakes at Nigel Farage (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - You're doing beautiful, sweetie. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

9. Maisie Williams (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - The actors have voiced latent disappointment with how things have ended, but no one really has given into the fans' point of view like the actress playing Arya Stark, who is just here for the memes. She's doing the work of all Seven Gods, the Lord of Light, and whatever eldritch monstrosity those weirdos in the Iron Islands worship.

10. Otis Dozovic (Last Poll: Not Ranked) -
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WWE Owes DDT and Chuck Taylor Royalties

May 21, 2019, 7:50 am
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An ugly belt for a promising project?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
At Money in the Bank, WWE announced that Mick Foley would be introducing a new title on RAW. Last night, as many suspected, Foley introduced the 24/7 Championship. The title, as seen above, looks like a cross between a commemorative coin and a '50s diner sign. The title is not a hardcore championship, which both makes sense given the downplay of such wrestling in the company and stinks given that even in a PG, bloodless scenario, garbage wrestling is fun. I may be in the minority, but matches like that Dolph Ziggler/Damien Sandow Broadway Brawl still provide moments of violent levity, a break in the watered down version of indie workrate wrestling that the indies gussied up from All Japan Pro Wrestling anyway.

Anyway, the article giving information on the title claims that:
...the new 24/7 Championship... can change hands on Raw, SmackDown LIVE, WWE Network shows, WWE Live Events or even on social media. Now, more than ever, anything can happen in WWE.
Hmm, social media, eh? A 24/7 Championship defended on the video portions of places like Twitter and Instagram sounds really familiar, mainly because Dramatic Dream Team and Chuck Taylor have been mining that territory for years. DDT's Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship is one of the most unique titles in all of wrestling in that it has a 24/7 rule and has been defended and won mostly outside of DDT events. You don't even necessarily have to be a living organism to hold it, as notable former Champions include a ladder, a portion of yakitori, and even Vince McMahon's Hollywood Walk of Fame star. DDT is probably the most unique wrestling promotion in the world that doesn't involve furries (luv u Kaiju Big Battel), so it should follow that they'd have the most unique Championship.

Chuck Taylor's 24/7 Title wasn't affiliated with any promotion, per se, but it was without a doubt the most refreshing trend in American indie wrestling for the year or so that he promoted it. Defenses happened on a dedicated Instagram account. It was notable in that it showed how everything was wrestling, from fueling up at a local gas station to nursing a hangover in the toilet. It also gave the world The Estonian Thunderfrog proclaiming "I NEW HARDCORE CHAMP, I BUY JESUS!" and also Drew Gulak defeating antisemitism. For the year or so that it was active, it was the most joyful thing in all of wrestling, even if at times it was problematic (unnecessary homophobia, Michael Elgin, etc.).

WWE getting its hands on the concept is another example that it doesn't create ideas, it mines them from people and promotions lower on the food chain. Once upon a time, it and World Championship Wrestling could take ideas from other places and give a relevant take on it. Now, it seems that anything fresh or exciting in the company comes directly from the workers, and any idea that is presented as a management directive falls flat. Could the 24/7 Title end up being an exception? I think so, since it feels like it will be divorced from the Vince McMahon/Paul Levesque decision engine and probably be more a worker-and-agent collaboration. But I don't doubt that it could and probably will end up becoming something intolerably corny as most management-driven things in the company do.

Rather than ending on a sour note, I will present to you a defense of each title, one of the DDT Heavymetalweight title and one of the Chuckie T 24/7 title, just to show you how well and creatively the concept can be done.



A post shared by Chuck Taylor (@chuckietea) on
(note, UltraMantis Black is vegan)

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Search

The Heartbreaking Affidavit from Ashley Massaro's Involvement in the Suit Against WWE

May 21, 2019, 10:05 am
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Massaro got a raw deal from WWE, especially when they went to Kuwait
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Ashley Massaro's death was ruled a suicide, a bit of information that isn't exactly surprising given how many people, wrestlers, football players, or otherwise, afflicted with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) befall the same fate. Although it is not surprising, it is devastating to see yet another person cut down far too early due to the effects of brain injuries to which people like Vince McMahon only pay lip service. Of course, Massaro's CTE isn't the only thing McMahon turned a blind eye to. Her sworn affidavit surrounding her involvement in the class action suit against WWE was released on Reddit and Twitter over the last few days, and it paints a harrowing picture if what she says in them is true (hint, I would say it's 99.9999999999999999999999 percent likely to be true).

EXTREME CONTENT WARNING here as it is a dictation of Massaro graphically recounting her violent assault in Kuwait, but you can read it for yourself here. The quick and filthy recap is that Massaro felt what she thought was menstrual cramps while in the Kuwait stop on her WWE goodwill tour along with Ron Simmons, Maria Kanellis, Jimmy Hart, and Gary Hart. The military personnel insisted that she was just dehydrated, so they took her to a facility where a man claiming to be a doctor came in with an IV, but that IV was not for dehydration. The drug in it left Massaro paralyzed, and the faux-doctor took his liberties.

Afterwards, she confided in her coworkers and asked them not to tell anyone else that it happened, but someone obviously spilled the beans, as her ticket back to the states was "mysteriously" disappeared, and when she got back, the WWE doctor knew about what happened to her. To make things worse, the doctor then told McMahon, and then the chairman turned around and told Massaro to keep things quiet because "the incident would ruin the relationship between WWE and the US Military" and that "one bad incident" shouldn't jeopardize the work WWE was doing. Massaro would also allege that WWE did not train its workers properly to deal with head trauma and that much like with her assault, McMahon just did not care.

So Massaro was holding a lot of internalized trauma at the time of her death. What she went through in WWE in addition to the magnifying effects of CTE on the mental health of those afflicted makes her story a tragedy. Massaro appears to have forgiven WWE or at least compartmentalized the bad with the good opportunities she thought the company gave her. In my opinion, it far from excuses WWE in its role in her decision to apparently take her own life. I am not an expert in the human psyche, but I do know that sometimes, regretful people oftentimes take blame in situations to make amends, even when they do not deserve said blame. The fact is, Massaro is not living on this earth anymore in large part to the indifference WWE showed to her suffering. McMahon, his daughter, Kevin Dunn, Paul Levesque, and anyone else in power then or now can do all the whitewashing they want, but it doesn't bring Massaro back.
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20 Years Gone

May 23, 2019, 6:50 am
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Miss you, Owen
Photo via Last Word on Pro Wrestling
Twenty years ago today at the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, MO, Owen Hart fell to his death at the Over the Edge pay-per-view event. He was to enter the ring from the rafters via a harness in his Blue Blazer gimmick for an Intercontinental Championship match against The Godfather. However, the harness was defective, and the backup safety latches were not connected. The circumstances from Hart's death eventually resulted in a large cash settlement awarded to his widow, Martha, whose lingering (and rightful) bitterness at WWE for the loss of her husband has kept his image and likeness from being used in WWE parlance.

In keeping with the "Vince Don't Care" theme of this week, the root cause of Hart's death can be traced directly back to the apathy of Vince McMahon. It all starts with the abuse of the independent contractor label, as a company that hires independent contractors does not have to abide by OSHA regulations. Had Hart been an employee, WWE could have been cited for both willful and serious violations. The spectre of those penalties that come with hefty fines might have caused McMahon and the people actually working to get Hart strapped up in his harness to ensure that all safety measures had been taken. Regardless, the threat of monetary loss should not be the only factor in making sure all your workers go home the same way they came into work. Wrestling is a dangerous enough business without the risk of falling from height with no means to break the fall.

I'm not sure why someone had to come down from the rafters anyway. Sure, Shawn Michaels, Sting, and even Hart himself had done it before without incident, but when I think wrestling, I don't think about guys jumping from the rafters just because they could. I mean, Jeff Hardy jumping from height do to an insane highspot is one thing, but he's always got something to break his fall, which is the point. Hart was as much a victim of the excess and mindless follower mentality of the Attitude Era as he was a defective latch. I can't think of any reason why he shouldn't still be alive today, and yet, he's been gone for 20 years.

It's why I will always side with Martha Hart in her struggle to make sure WWE cannot profit off her husband's image and likeness. For absolutely no good reason whatsoever, she was robbed a husband. Their two children were robbed a father. Yeah, Bret Hart and other siblings may have forgiven McMahon and WWE, but rarely does the bond between brothers become as galvanized as the one between husband and wife. Martha is probably not a carny either. I don't want to make generalizations, but it feels like carnies forgive each other more easily in most cases.

So remember the next time you wonder why Owen Hart isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame or why he's not mentioned much at all on WWE television, that the reasons are valid, and that you probably won't see any of it until his widow passes. In the grand scheme of things, it's a small price to pay. The world, not just the wrestling world, lost an incredible talent and from all accounts a better person. Rest in peace and power, Owen Hart.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 260

May 23, 2019, 12:40 pm
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Is Money in the Bank on the backburner now?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 280 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

This question hearkens back to another question you had asked about the briefcase becoming oversaturated, and WWE course-correcting. I feel as if this is another move in course-correcting having Bayley cash in the same night she won and Brock Lesnar take his briefcase with him to his mud hut in somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota. Lesnar, by definition, will cash in on a surprise given that his appearances are surprises anymore. Granted, not all surprises are objectively good, and I've made my thoughts clear on his briefcase win. Still, everyone knows Vince McMahon's ideas rarely line up with too-online jerks like myself. So this is definitely his way of rehabbing it. Still, I'm not sure Money in the Bank was ever bigger than Survivor Series, except those weird years at the beginning of the decade when it was rumored WWE was going to phase the event out and CM Punk made MITB '11, ahem, must see. WWE never offered travel packages for MITB, but recently, Survivor Series has been treated like any of the other Big Four.

Best: Andre the Giant, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, The Colony, Manami Toyota, Jushin Thunder Liger

Worst: Bad Ass Billy Gunn, Farooq Asad (pre-Nation, Sunny-managed), Giant Gonzalez, The KISS Demon, Deuce and Domino

The leftist in me says that the best way for him to die is via guillotine with all the other billionaires. The ironic wrestling fan in me wants to see him go taking a bump, like the most basic of bumps that causes some major trauma in him that ends up killing him. The former is quicker and cleaner, but at the result of a revolution that will redistribute wealth, while the latter can happen at any time, but will be more painful, so it's really hard to say which will be more satisfying. Odds are, he'll probably die peacefully with his grandchildren at his side and with a thousand thirsty sycophantic wrestling writers led at the vanguard by Justin LaBar and Ryan Satin to give him great hagiography for how he BUILT pro wrestling with his bare hands, which will be severely irritating. But whatever, I'm used to only getting sporadic wins. I'm a Philly sports fan.

I only really have two criteria. Is it memorable, and does it fit the character? Look at the Kanellis' theme song as an example of a perfect theme in the modern age.



Is it memorable? It might be the only memorable thing about that act in WWE right now, which is partially WWE's fault for dropping the ball and partially bad luck as it came right at the time when Mike was at a turning point in his opioid addiction. The opening shreddy noodle catches your attention, and then the big booming vocal intro burrows into your mind like a worm. Now, does it fit the character? Given that Mike is blindly dedicated to Maria here under the guise of love, I'd say the aggrandizing lyrics fit perfectly. Not that I'm SCREAMING to see more Mike Bennett on WWE TV, but the gimmick had a great hook, and if he was going to succeed anywhere, it was going to be in WWE. But that's another question.

Normally, I would say that Blastoise's heft and double water cannons would be too much for Gage, but MDK the man's taken out bigger opponents, and he seems like the kind of guy who's either too tough or too stupid to quit in a fight unless he was incapacitated, unconscious, or dead. So I'm still going for my man Nick Gage here, MDK Gang Affiliated.

The short answer is HELL NO.

The longer answer is that AEW has a chance to "break the wheel" so to speak. WWE's oppressive schedule is obviously the paradigm which they should hope to break. Sure, Ring of Honor and New Japan Pro Wrestling stream all of their shows, but the former especially might have an argument for maybe not hitting every town and allowing people to engage it as a TV product (New Japan has TV in Japan, maybe porting that for America would help them not have as many shows as they do, but they're actually the company whose load I'm least worried about). With billions backing it, and unlike ROH, billions that are interested in wrestling, AEW should probably just stick to television tapings and live shows for the big events to be streamed on the Bleacher Report app. It can be the big money promotion without having wrestlers run down by superfluous appearances that only serve an anachronistic belief that it's not wrestling unless you get to see it live. It would also further a friendlier attitude to the indies by allowing them to fill the live wrestling gap, especially if they allow their wrestlers to be true independent contractors and selectively work dates they WANT to work rather than being mandated.

Well, if McMahon were booking the show, he'd have had NO CHANCE IN HELL of killing off Khal Drogo in season one, but assuming he only got to take over the show, only women would be able to fight women, the Night King would've survived the Battle of Winterfell and then traded victories with Arya Stark until an unsatisfying conclusion in the finale that left everyone dissatisfied, and Daenerys would have cut a scathing promo about how she HATED the people of King's Landing before doing her dragon strafing of the city. Oh, and Euron Greyjoy would've been on the Iron Throne at the end and also he'd have been recast as Triple H.
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NXT In 60 Seconds for May 22, 2019

May 24, 2019, 6:15 am
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The fuccbois are back in town
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Master Regal: based off of last week's show closing chaos makes a match for the now vacant NXT World Tag Team championships at TOXXV with the Street Profits, Forgotten Sons, Allied Strikers and Undisputed Era in a ladder match

PA: SHOCK...the system.
the Undisputed Era: swagger out
Adam Cole BAY BAY: We've heard all the whispers in the back, and got you morons wondering if they're true - guess what: we're going nowhere. We're Stronger than we've ever been and all on the same page. If you're in the back your contract might say NXT superstar, the reality is we own you. We're not going to stop until we run this place, until we're done taking what we want and ending up draped in championship gold. That'll start at Takeover with Bobby and Kyle regaining the belts. As for me, I am an uncrowned NXT World Heavyweight Champion. The Undisputed Era
PA: blares Not Paramore
Johnny Gargano: Let me save you some time, you're getting your title rematch in Bridgeport? Really? Okay. So you're still getting your title rematch in Bridgesport, but tell the truth: you're celebrating right now because you know you can't beat me one on one.
Cole: What kind of idiot are you, Johnny? I won that first fall in New York.
Johnny: You did, you did. I'm going to try to get you to understand simple math, since you didn't shock the school system, that's for darn sure.
Full Sailors: oh dang
Johnny: Since math is hard - math is hard - I'll explain myself very, very, v e r y s l o w l y. Mkay? A two...out of three...falls match means that you have to win
Johnny and the Full Sailors: t w o falls.
Johnny: I won
Johnny and the Full Sailors: t w o falls.
Johnny: That makes me champion! Do you understand, buddy?
Cole: SHUT UP, JOHNNY. You can be as condescending as you want but it eats you alive I pinned you by myself in New York. Come Bridgeport, somehow, come then I'm going to do it again. So as far as tonight goes
Matt Riddle: jumps the Era from behind in the ring and succeeds briefly
the Era: swarm him
Johnny: makes the save
the Good Guys: clear the ring and share a Bro Bump
PA: blares not Paramore

Sean Maluta and Mansoor: both come out to supportive if slightly tepid reactions
Mansoor: Rana off the ropes! .7 Okada dropkick!
Maluta: Yakuza kick! Flying Codebreaker off the middle rope!
Mansoor: Snap German! Slingshot neckbreaker! Suplex cutter!
Referee: Winner!

Queen Cathy: stands outside Master Regal's office where he and the Era are clearly yelling at each other though we can't see any of them
Master Regal: Bugger off!
the Undisputed Era: stomp out of the office and blow past Cathy entirely
Master Regal: comes out and composes himself I've just had to inform those ruffians that their actions last week as well as tonight are not the way we do things here in NXT. So at our 25th Takeover, Roderick Strong will face Matthew Riddle, and in tonight's main event we shall see Riddle teaming up with our World Champion Johnathan Gargano to face Robert Fish and Kyle O'Reilly.
Queen Cathy: Thank you.
Master Regal: Thank you. goes back inside his office

Some Of Us: quietly note that puts a fourth match on what's presumably a five match Takeover card
Velveteen Dream: comes out looking like Janet Jackson's Escape and Rhythm Nation videos at the same time with the North American champion 
Full Sailors: Vel vet een! Vel vet een! Vel vet een!
the Dream: Well, the Dream is in high demand - people want to feel the Dream or touch the Dream, more importantly they want to hold the Dream. But the fact is the Dream is North American champion, not made to touch or feel, and far too big to hold
RegalTron: goes neon blue with Matrix patterning
PA: Look, everyone! It's TYLER!
Breezus: returns to Full Sail
Full Sailors: pop huge, then fire off Breeze Is Gorgeous and Welcome Home chants
Breezus: Prince Pretty IS home.
Full Sailors: uncork another big pop and more Welcome Home chants
Breezus: When I was here I was much like the Dream; everyone was talking Tyler Breeze. But it seems like fashion has left NXT. It seems a little...lifeless, a little dull.There's wanna be impersonators
Full Sailors: oh dang
Breezus: And cheap knockoffs
Full Sailors: oh, DANG
Breezus: And as flattering as that is - believe me, Dream, it's flattering - there can be only one Prince Pretty: Tyler Breeze
Full Sailors: Breeze Is Gorgeous! clap clap clapclap Breeze Is Gorgeous! clap clap clapclap Breeze Is Gorgeous! clap clap clapclap

the Dream: Allow the North American champion to welcome you back home...to the Dream's NXT. We do things a bit differently here because the spotlight demands a real man and not a boy. 
Full Sailors: :O
the Dream: Especially not one that plays cops and robbers.
Full Sailors: !!!
the Dream: Besides, just because you couldn't cut it on Monday and Tuesday nights doesn't mean you get to come back here and demand a spotlight, so run on back home where you belong.
Breezus: Mmm. Disagree on not being able to cut it. But let's say I was uninspired, surely. You inspire me. And the North American championship does as well.
Full Sailors: applaud
Breezus: And an inspired Tyler Breeze? Well...is too much, too big for the Dream to handle.
the Dream: Listen here, dollar store detective: maybe you forgot since you've been spending Monday and Tuesday nights in catering, but we do things differently in the Dream's NXT and the line starts outside, so I suggest that's where you start going. YET! I don't wish to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, so how about a selfie with the champ?
Breezus: laughs loudly A selfie with the champ?
the Dream: This is your only chance.
Breezus: This is a monumental moment, the first time we've been in the ring together.
the Dream: doesn't have all day
Full Sailors: clearly want this to happen
Breezus: looks at them, hears the response and nods I'm in.
the Dream: Throw it up on the Master's Tron, would you?
God's Production Team: does so
Breezus: Note: when you write your phone number on your trunks and nobody calls you up, it's because no one's interested. drills the Dream in the head with his cellie and runway walks out
Full Sailors: pop anyway because fuck it, we're getting Dream/Breezus

Queen Cathy: Why did you lay out the Velveteen Dream in front of the NXT Universe?
Breezus: I'm an NXT OG (that means original guy) and I wanted to introduce the Dream to an inspired Prince Pretty, Tyler Breeze.

Candice LeRae: comes out to a good pop
Reina Gonzalez: not thatBlindside lariat! Spinning powerslam!
Candice: gets out from under Codebreaker to the arm! Schoolperson between the ropes! Baseball slide! Shove you into the steps injured arm first! Flying rana off the top! Corner strike party! Missile dropkick! Quebrada!
Referee: Winner!

Shayna and the Underlings: march out after the replays and surround the ring Shield style
Candice: wins for a bit then gets swarmed
Io Shirai: shows up wearing a leather jacket and brandishing a kendo stick
Marina Shafir: tries it
Io: whoops that ass
Jessamyn Duke: tries it
Io: whoops that ass even worse
Shayna: stares up in WTF?
Io: stares back in You Done Fucked Up and whoops. that. ass. then checks on Candice
A Doctor: can expect a phone call from me in roughly 239 minutes and 35 seconds

God's Production Team: makes Dream/Breezus official for XXV and announces Mia/Bianca II and KUSHIDA/GULAK for next week

Matt Riddle: comes out offering Bro Bumps and is wearing kinesio tape on his ribs on a .3 DDP scale
Johnny Gargano: comes out to a huge pop 
Not ReDragon: come out without backup to a cool heel pop
Johnny: convinces Matt that he should start the match
He and Kyle: GRAPPLEFUCK~!
Fish:Johnny superkicks him from the apron after tagging out then eats a series of Riddle open palm strikes and Bro kicks Exploder!
Kyle: in for the save
Riddle: Pele kick!(back to Fish) Three AmiBros!
Kyle: cuts him off at two
Riddle: can't get him up and over for more than two
Undisputed Dragons: work over his ribs and employ quicker tags to halve the ring
Riddle: Powerbomb!
Kyle: Nope guilltoine!
Riddle: NOPE ripcord knee!
Both: tag out
Johnny: hits combination offense on the former champs
Kyle: blind tags in off an O'Connor roll
Undisputed: Chasing The Dragon!
Johnny: ...kickout. (sees Kyle coming) Elbow! (Fish comes in) Owenzuigiri!
Kyle: Here comes the Ax, here comes the Smasher...
Matt: Save!
Kyle: NOPE German
Matt: NOPE TO SELLING and BIGGER GERMAN!
Kyle: Rolling elbow!
Matt: PK off the ropes!
Everybody: down
Every Full Sailor: claps
Matt: Blind tag! Senton, bro! Corkscrew senton bomb, bro!
Kyle: Save!
Johnny: Let's get him. Buzzsaw kick!
Matt: Crocop kick!
Both: LAWN DART KNEE STRIKE COMBO!
Matt: Powerbomb! Flash knee strike!
Kyle: Save by pulling you out of the ring, Bobby!
Matt: goes out to the apron and PKs him
Adam Cole BAY BAY: comes out
Johnny: Tope! beats on him
Roderick Strong: comes out of the crowd and lays out Riddle
Undisputed: HI/LO!
Referee: Winner!
Johnny: Save!
Undisputed: yeahno SWARM!
Cole: Full Sail Last Shot! The NXT championship is gonna be mine! You hear me!?
Undisputed: throw up their gang sign over Johnny's fallen body 
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for May 27, 2019 (A Day Late)

May 28, 2019, 5:55 am
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Huzzah to the taker of his father's mask!
Photo via @BoomerHatfield
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Boomer Hatfield (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not many wrestlers get to beat their dad in a match, but the younger Hatfield beat his dad Sunday night AND took his dang mask. For those who don't know lucha libre at large or even Chikara, mask vs. mask (or mask vs. hair or hair vs. hair) matches (or luchas de apuestas), are HUGE deals, especially for Dasher Hatfield. He may not have been in that gimmick for his entire career, but he's had a mask on, whether it be the generic Create-A-Wrestler, Mos-Cow the Communist Bovine, or Ultimo Breakfast. While Amasis lost his mask about two-and-a-half years ago, he shortly thereafter left the promotion. The last wrestlers to lose something of note to them and stick around were Icarus and Chuck Taylor, who put their hair on the line against the Colony's masks and lost. As for masked wrestlers who lost their hoods, I'm pretty sure Icarus and Gran Akuma were the last ones of note to do that, although I'm not entirely sure. My knowledge of Chikara before 2009 is hazy. ANYWAY, it's still a huge deal, and Boomer should be celebrated. He's one of the rising stars of Chikara, and I can see him making a huge splash elsewhere on the indies.

2. Cheeseburgers and Hot Dogs (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Look, the prominent rise of people with smokers has pushed the staple summer holiday cookout fare to the backburner. While this development is expected given how good most barbecue food is, but you cannot discount the heavy lifting burgers and dogs do and have done. Before the Big Green Egg and other smaller electric smokers have put more amateur pitmasters in the game, the staples did the trick, and even now, do you know how expensive it can be to smoke brisket for more than a handful of people? You still need the burgers and the dogs to back it up. This Memorial Day and all summer long, I will continue to salute the staples by eating mass quantities of them whenever I can.

3. Michael Nakazawa (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The first time I saw Nakazawa was at King of Trios '09 where he teamed with Kota Ibushi and Kudo. He covered himself in baby oil, and I fell in love. So when he signed with All Elite Wrestling, I was hoping that he would bring that shtick to the company, and well, I was not disappointed, at least for the Casino Battle Royale. Y'know, if Fandango ever got his release from WWE, him going to AEW and doing posedowns against Nakazawa wouldn't be the worst thing to happen.

4. Orange Cassidy (Last Week: 3) - So he didn't win the Casino Battle Royale, but he did wrestle Kris Statlander the next day and throw her across the ring with a no-hands armdrag. It's all about the small victories.

5. People Throwing Milkshakes at Nigel Farage (Last Week: 8) - Farage, the British politician who brought about Brexit and is so fervently supporting it that he left his original racist party, UKIP, to form his own party that is obsessed with the severance of the United Kingdom from the European Union, is so shook from people throwing milkshakes at him that he refuses to leave his bus. Some people who claim to be leftists think this is a bad thing and think that folks should only be worried about policy and legislation. Let me rebut that; have you SEEN most politicians who claim to be "opposition?" At least in America, the Democrats LOVE to work with Republicans for some reason. You need direct action like this to make the fascists scared and then you can use the threat of dairy assault against, say, Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer the next time they do something that's way too right wing for their positions.

6. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Last Week: Not Ranked) - AOC quote-tweeted a video of Cody Rhodes talking about his interracial marriage and gave him dap for it, which can only mean ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ IS ALL ELITE, BAYBAY.

7. Jordynne Grace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She's part of the first team announced for King of Trios, and my god, it's a doozy.

8. Erick Stevens (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Stevens has spent the better part of a decade on the shelf, cultivating a different kind of lifestyle as a food vlogger and Twitter personality, becoming one of the most chill dudes in Wrestling Twitter. So when he announced his comeback, you know I was all on board. To confess something for the sake of posterity, I wasn't always a fan of his when he was active the first time. But time changes perspectives. The wrestlers you like one decade aren't necessarily the ones you like another. Plus, like I said before, he's a cool dude, so it's hard not to root for him. And he didn't come back in easy either. In his second match back, he took on Chris Dickinson, who is one of the hardest-hitting dudes on the American indies. You have to respect it. I can't wait to see him work all over the damn place.

9. Aston Villa FC (Last Week: Not Ranked) - After several excruciating seasons relegated to League One, Aston Villa is BACK in the Premier League, baby! Of course, when they got relegated, I took up rooting for Crystal Palace, who didn't get relegated, so when these two sides face off in the next season, well, shit's gonna get awkward.

10. Otis Dozovic (Last Week: 10) -

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Bad Takes Strike Double Or Nothing, Or Awesome Kong Rules, Nerds

May 28, 2019, 8:10 am
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Nothing Keenan said about Kong is accurate
Photo Credit: WWE.com
All Elite Wrestling Double Or Nothing played this past Saturday to booming results. Although the company had an awful and inexcusable snafu regarding where one could watch the Buy-In preshow, the contents of both that appetizer and the main course excited wrestling fans who tuned in all across the globe. Although I wasn't able to watch it, it was hard to be a wrestling fan on social media and not feel its gravity pulling you towards it. The response to it was so incredibly positive, perhaps the most universally positive for a wrestling show since WrestleKingdom 10 or WrestleMania XXX. However, just because Double or Nothing held the majority of wrestling fans in its thrall doesn't mean it was immune to bad takes.

Enter Kevin Keenan, who is most notable for sexually harassing Mandy Leon when he was a referee in Ring of Honor, leading to his hilarious dismissal. For anyone who thinks those kinds of accusations can sink even the whitest and most masculine of White man, well, I regret to inform you that he failed upwards into a gig at Sports Radio WIP in Philadelphia. I know, I know, you're as shocked as I am, which is to say you're not shocked at all. Anyway, Awesome Kong made a surprise appearance in one of the two women's matches, a four-way also featuring Nyla Rose, Kylie Rae, and Britt Baker. Keenan saw her addition, and folks, he was NOT HAVING IT. At least he wasn't having it until everyone decided to yell at him, because he deleted the tweet. However, because the Internet never forgets, many people screenshotted it, and bad takes live longer than Keith Richards:
Screenshot thanks to @Courier619

Where to start with this whopper of a take for a dude who was fired for laying his filthy hands unwanted on another human being. How about I just start from the top.
History of assaulting other female talent
Kong has had two incidents of assaulting people backstage, and only one of those victims was a woman. The first was Bubba the Love Sponge, a notoriously racist shock jock who filmed his wife having sex with Hulk Hogan on a tape where he himself admitted he was racist. Birds of a feather flock together, it seems. Anyway, way back in the wilderness of 2010, Bubba tweeted something hella offensive about a Haiti that had just seen a gigantic earthquake, not even bothering to spell the name of the country correctly. Kong, who was Bubba's co-worker in TNA at the time, took umbrage with the tweet and sucker-punched the shit out of him. At the time, I wrongly thought that Bubba deserved at least notice, but now I know that he deserved not to have the time to get his guard up. If you're going to trash an entire, mostly-Black nation that just got rocked by tectonic plates, you deserve much worse.

The second incident involved her attacking Reby Hardy backstage at a TNA show in the United Kingdom in 2016. The issue stemmed from issues that arose between the two on Twitter years before, and that was the first time Kong got a chance to get her hands on Hardy. Depending on the source, Kong either put her hands around Hardy's throat, or she throttled her before she was restrained. No matter what, the altercation happened while Hardy's son, Maxel, was closeby. Obviously, in no way does this make Kong look good, and unless Hardy, who is well-known for making people upset, said something racist (not out of the realm of possibility), then Kong's actions cannot be condoned here. That being said, Kong is not the only wrestler in history who has used physical intimidation to get their way. Bruiser Brody threatened promoters all the time, and it ended up getting him killed in Puerto Rico (not saying he deserved it, to be honest, to be able to intimidate capital isn't the worst trait to have). So many other male wrestlers partake in locker room MMA themselves with dubious providence. Hunico/Sin Cara, Chris Jericho, Simon Grimm, and The Big Show are most notorious participants, with at least Show being confirmed to be an instigator. Will Keenan be as vigilant to make sure these wrestlers aren't booked? I mean, Jericho is on track to be the first AEW World Champion. Grimm isn't struggling for bookings either. Next:
Hasent [sic] been on TV in years
While it's true that Kong has not been on current wrestling television since being fired from Impact/TNA in 2016 after the Reby Hardy incident listed above, to say she's not been on TV or even "wrestling" TV in years when she's a major player on the Netflix show GLOW. Besides, Jericho wasn't "on TV in years" when WWE welcomed him back in 2008 after his hiatus to go be a rock star and a VH1 talking head. Didn't make that a bad move, did it? Next:
History of giving management a hard time and being a pain in the ass to deal with
Oh man, where to start with this. First it's fucking hilarious that the dude who was fired from ROH for giving management a hard time by harassing the booker's girlfriend is on this shit. Second, the dude fucking retweeted Austin Aries deflecting claims that he himself was hard to work with:

So Aries is justified in saying he "calls [promoters] out on [their] bullshit" but Kong isn't? Hard to see what the difference between the two is except one is a White male and the other is a woman of color... oh I think I answered my own question here. Anyway, "being difficult to work with" in wrestling is capital code for "knows their worth." Again, Brody knew his worth, and he exerted it. He's seen as a folk hero in wrestling for it, his death mourned to this day, and it is justified. So why is Kong's behavior not? Again, I answered my own question. Next:
If you're working for the pop, I get it.
No he doesn't, or else he'd be calling out WWE for bringing Hogan back, for example.
But not setting a great example from the outset.
I'd argue it's a great example, that rehabilitation is possible for everyone. Of course, Keenan isn't the only one who has had these thoughts, but he's the most prominent one dumb enough to speak them into existence. If you want to know why one should give this asshole attention, it's because whether you like it or not, he's a guy with a following. These people need to be shown their asses as much as possible, to have it made difficult to spew their bullshit.
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New Japan Is Selling a Rainmaker Money Gun

May 29, 2019, 5:30 am
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Get your Lil' Kazu money shooter today!
Photo Credit: Shop.NJPW.co.jp
Wrestling merchandise is not the most attractive field of capitalist goods for purchase. WWE and New Japan shirts look like someone vomited in Ed Hardy patterns, and indie wrestlers have never met a parody idea that they thought was in poor taste for their shirts. Other items of interest can be threadbare at times. Again, WWE's non-clothing products can be sketchy, and on the indies, you'd be lucky to get someone making a bumper sticker or a foam product to put on your hands. Chikara may be the exception, as you can find various random trinkets at their tables like when Dez Peloton sold bike bells, but again, it's still not bountiful.

Finally though, New Japan Pro Wrestling has a product for you, the discerning wrestling fan. Introducing the Kazuchika Okada Rainmaker Dollar Shooter:

Honestly, I have never wanted a piece of wrestling merch more, or at least since the Estonian Thunderfrog had those Obama parody hope and change shirts that said "Ribbit" on them. God, why did I wear that shirt while I was putting liquid chlorine in my pool? WHY GODDAMN YOU WHY WHY? Anyway, that was my own damn fault. This piece of wrestling memorabilia, however, is solid gold, if not in construction, then in worth.

Of course, this product was meant to shoot the Okada bucks, the pieces of paper that have no monetary value, in a setting where you're not bothering anyone and can easily clean the mess up. As a responsible adult who believes in the social compact, I'd say use this thing responsibly. As a shitposting little asshole though, I am so tempted to take this thing out and pay for goods and services by shooting cash out of my novelty wrestling-related toy. Granted, it would be hella rude to shoot money at a wage slave at a fast food restaurant. They get paid peanuts to take people's shit. However, one place in particular would be perfect for this item, and it brings the Okada character full circle back to his beginnings, before his gimmick became "guy whomst holds the title a lot." That's right, I'm talking about the strip club, baby.

No matter how you use it though, you have to admit that this is among the most unique pieces of merchandise ever. Personally, I would shank my mother just for the chance to buy one, but hey, thankfully for me, New Japan has made it so I don't have to do that and I can just exchange real live currency for one.
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The Passion of the Moxley

May 29, 2019, 7:00 am
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Moxley, here with Cody Rhodes, turned that literal middle finger to a proverbial and verbal one on Talk Is Jericho
Photo Credit: @JonMoxley
By now, every wrestling fan knows the deal with Jon Moxley. He decided he didn't want to be Dean Ambrose anymore, so he let his WWE contract lapse and went into parts unknown, at least until this past Saturday, when he showed up at the end of All Elite Wrestling's Double or Nothing. Since then, news has dropped that he's the Second Knife Pervert in New Japan Pro Wrestling, that his first match back will be against Juice Robinson for the IWGP United States Championship, that he's signed a "multi-year deal" with AEW, that his first AEW opponent will be Joey Janela, and that he'll be wrestling for Northeast Wrestling for at least two dates, one against Pentagón, Jr. and one against Darby Allin. That's a lot of news to drop for Moxley, whose availability for wrestling in the short-term was questioned thanks to a movie he was shooting. Now the information shows that he'll be balancing his working dates with his acting roles.

All four matches announced for Moxley so far look incredibly promising on paper. He will have three opponents who will feed his hardcore/crazy tendencies in Allin, Penta, and Janela. Allin and Janela probably will crazily bump for him, while Penta is an opponent who can match Mox's frantic brawling. However, the most interesting match to me is the most divergent of the four, against Robinson. Since leaving NXT, Robinson has developed into perhaps the purest babyface wrestler in the world. While I don't see Mox as a pure heel (his assault on Kenny Omega at the end of Double or Nothing notwithstanding), his manic energy pairs well with a plucky dude whose entire existence is predicated on being an underdog. That's not even taking into account what Game Changer Wrestling most likely has in store for him that they have yet to announce.

Moxley's post-WWE slate is looking incredibly bright, but he apparently had a lot to say about his exit from WWE. He went on Chris Jericho's podcast to give his public exit interview. If you don't to want listen (like me), r/SquaredCircle has the bullet points, but Twitter user @SlayerMomsen has a more stream of consciousness transcription in thread form. Basically, if you want to affirm your confirmation bias that Vince McMahon is the cancer choking WWE from the inside, well, Moxley has the nectar for you to sop the fuck right up. Judging from those two sources, I have what I think are the most important things from the whole shebang:
  • Despite the fact that Moxley was going to spend most of the interview critiquing the company, he is grateful for his time there if just because he got to meet his wife, Renee Young.
  • He knew since July 2018 that he wanted to leave.
  • He criticized the scripts handed to him as "hot garbage" but said Vince McMahon thought they were great.
  • The jabs at Roman Reigns' cancer were McMahon's idea. Moxley thought them to be distasteful, and he dissuaded McMahon from scripting a second promo about Reigns' cancer by saying it would cost them sponsors.
  • He wanted to work guys like AJ Styles and Daniel Bryan when he came back, but McMahon slotted him to feud with Seth Rollins again. Moxley wanted something new, not the same stuff he'd been doing forever.
  • He didn't mind bumping for Nia Jax, but he thought they only made him do it because he was leaving, not because they were being groundbreaking or anything.
  • He jabbed at Brock Lesnar as a sign that McMahon thinks he can buy anything.
  • He believes that while McMahon is a problem, that the solution won't come from within because of the structure he built around himself since 2002 (an indirect jab at Paul Levesque, who is part of that structure).
  • He said EC3 is his friend, saying the angle where EC3 went over him in three minutes sucked because it was the former who got the backlash.
  • He was only paid $500 for the Shield special, which is what guys get for "showing up."
  • Deathmatch wrestler Sick Nick Mondo actually shot his return promo, and Moxley himself paid $8K for the best camera possible to shoot it.
  • He signed with AEW so that he could be "the best version of himself."
So the interview showed Moxley was a guy at the end of his rope in a company he'd fallen out of love with, which is totally natural. You could see that even though he had a certain Charlie Kelly from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia energy to him that McMahon and the rest of creative never really tapped into it, or misread it and made him into this Three Stooges distillate that clashed with the more serious parts of his personality. The way McMahon views comedy is so twisted that he would never be able to get it right. Basically, WWE does a select few characters well enough to get by, and Charlie Kelly with an edge isn't one of them. You'd think that pushing hot dog carts and getting needles stuck in his ass not working would allow the company to let him do what brought him to the dance, and that's unhinged ultraviolence, but I'm already busting a gut inside imagining a world where McMahon actually does the scouting for the people he signs. It's so implausible.

Regardless, Moxley is free to work for companies that will allow him the creative freedom he deserves. His journey starts a week from today in the second-biggest wrestling company in the world, and the one that has more critical acclaim over the last five or so years than most other promotions. On a personal level, I'm damn excited to see where Moxley goes from here.
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A Proper Introduction for the First Team in King of Trios

May 29, 2019, 9:00 am
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TEAM PUMP
Graphics via ChikaraPro.com
So I mentioned in passing yesterday that Jordynne Grace announced the first team to be entered in the 2019 King of Trios tournament, but an announcement of this magnitude deserves more than just an entry in the Best in the World rankings. Chikara has a habit of dropping bombs with the first trio announced, and this one is no different. Welcome to King of Trios '19 the team of Scott Steiner, Petey Williams, and Grace herself, a trio I am dubbing Team Pump.

Steiner needs no introduction to longtime wrestling fans. His career has been fascinating to watch, from the prototypical highspot hoss in the late '80s and early '90s to the genesis of the Big Poppa Pump character in World Championship Wrestling to his evolution into a walking meme generator in TNA. Lately, he's been more into business pursuits, like owning a Shoney's, but he's come out of retirement to work Swoggle at Absolute Intense Wrestling's WrestleMania show, the Slumber Party Massacre. While it's unknown how mobile Steiner will be in a more high-intensity environment, I'm not sure it matters. He's there as a spectacle, and if worse comes to worse, Grace and Williams will do the heavy lifting.

Segueing into the next member, Petey Williams is another guy that TNA fans at least will recognize. The guy who popularized the Canadian Destroyer and made waves as a member of Team Canada with Scott D'Amore is here because, well, of his stint as Steiner's little buddy. Rounding out the team is Jordynne Grace, who has the most recent cache with wrestling fans. If you don't know who she is, well, she took up the mantle of Thick Mama Pump, much in the same way that each successive Dragon Mask has taken up their yokes. She's no stranger to wrestling opponents of all genders, and odds are, she'll be able to bench press you, whether you're very smol like Boomer Hatfield or a mammoth like Brian Milonas.

Team Pump is the first of 16 teams to be announced. Last year's winners, The Colony, will almost assuredly be back, as will Team FIST, the Proteus Wheel, and a bunch of other native trios who will try to take home the crown. Those teams will be exciting during the duration of the tournament and show the world that Chikara is still one of the best promotions in the world, but the most exciting surprises will come in the following weeks to see what guests will be in town. King of Trios will take place October 4-6 at the Goodwill Beneficial Association in Reading, PA. Tickets are on sale now.
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A Deal with a Real Devil

May 29, 2019, 11:00 am
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McMahon has made a deal with a genocidal nation for all that cash
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is a bad, bad place. It would be enough to note that it is a theocratic monarchy in an age when both of those things have been confirmed as bad. Whenever church and state mix, the former always gets misinterpreted in order to pervert the latter. In this case, Islam is a religion when interpreted by people more in touch with harmonious living between God and people tends to result in a society that can be described as positive. Obviously, as with any religion, it's not perfect. Christianity, for example, will still treat women as 1a to men's 1 in terms of primacy, just as Islam will. That being said, when it is perverted to ends that most theocratic autocracies bring it, it can be made brutal enough that women go from 1a to ∞th place. For example, crown prince Mohammad bin Salman decided that he would magnanimously give women the right to drive after years of prohibition. He expected to be greeted with applause as if it was some great leap forward when in fact women have been allowed to drive in most other countries for decades.

No, as if the misogynist and antisemitic interpretation of Islam as rule wasn't bad enough, the Saudi government is currently committing genocide against an entire neighboring nation. Yemen ousted the Saudi-backed president in favor of one that isn't a puppet of the regime who not only provided most of the 9/11 hijackers but threatened to do another one to Canada when America's neighbors to the north lightly criticized them. In response, the Saudis organized a "military intervention" and then proceeded to do things like bomb funerals and blockade all food imports going into the country. Of course, no one cares when brown people die in the American media, but when one of their own gets murdered, they tend to raise holy hell, even if that member was also in fact brown-skinned. So people only started realizing Saudi Arabia was bad when Jamal Khashoggi, a journalist for the Washington Post was murdered and dismembered visiting the Saudi embassy in Turkey so he could get paperwork that would allow him to get married, all for the offense of printing opinions in opposition and criticism of bin Salman, his father, and their regime.

So, what does any of this have to do with professional wrestling? In the last year, WWE has already run two shows in the country as part of a ten-year contract to provide entertainment to the Saudi people and also help promote the regime to the rest of the world to help soften its image. The third show, Super Showdown, will take place on June 7, a week from this Friday. The first show, Greatest Royal Rumble, was pretty much a display of Saudi jingoism, replete with Shawn and Ariya Daivari playing up their Iranian heritage to get massive heel heat from the crowd. For those not in the know, Saudi Arabia and Iran are at odds because Sunni Muslims (Saudis) and Shia Muslims (Iranians) apparently don't get along. The second show, Crown Jewel, was when the company started getting more massive blowback, thanks to its proximity to the Khashoggi murder. WWE still went on with the show though, although you could tell they were feeling some heat, heat that is still radiating today.

WWE will go to great lengths to hide the fact that it's going to Saudi Arabia, as much as it can without cancelling the deal. Calling the show "Super Showdown" for example, is the same exact name as the big show they promoted in Australia last year. They are going to great lengths to tell you the show is in Jeddah, but they do not say the words "Saudi Arabia" at all in promotion of the show. However, Vince McMahon is still cashing those checks from bin Salman. WWE is a company that wants it both ways. On one face is Vince McMahon, who is a ruthless capitalist who will take any booking and accept any payment possible as long as it adds more numbers to his bank account. The other face, containing Paul "Triple H" Levesque and Stephanie McMahon, also is ruthlessly capitalistic, but it is also more sensitive to public relations. While I'm almost certain Vince believes that "any attention is good attention," the Levesque branch of the family sees PR as a kind of currency, or at the very least a measure of resistance against making money. That resistance is inversely proportional to how lucrative the company is, as in the better the PR, the more money they can bring in.

The Saudi Arabia deal is the greatest test this paradigm can face, and my god, they are trying. They really are. I have no doubt in my mind that both McMahons and Levesque want this deal to stay afloat. That is why WWE has gone full chickenshit on how to promote it. Much in the same way that RAW will be written in a way that the only good stuff that happens during football season is during the pre-game and at halftime of the Monday Night game, the are going all in on promoting this show without ever mentioning the two most important words as to why it shouldn't exist. It's a coward's play, plain and simple. Vince is often portrayed as this mighty warrior with gigantic grapefruits who never backs down from a challenge, and yet he will snivel and kowtow to anyone who holds money in his balance, a pathetic creature if ever one was to exist.

However, the way WWE is acting, you'd think this deal was beneficial to them, and honestly, I'm not sure that's the case. Yeah, the Saudi government is giving them loads of money, which I suppose is the benefit that people in the business look for. However, the people requesting these shows have no idea what WWE is nowadays. The fact that it prohibits women from performing already cuts out the portion of the roster with the most cultural zeitgeist. The people in the Saudi administration have repeatedly asked for wrestlers from long-gone eras, which explains why Undertaker and Goldberg are headlining this show, why Hiroki Sumi was included in the GRR (corroborating rumors that the Royal Family requested Yokozuna, who has been dead for almost 20 years, to appear), and why Shawn Michaels came out of retirement for the last show. The travel from the States or even Western Europe to Saudi Arabia can be brutal on a roster that already works in excess of 200 days a year taking repetitive and destructive bumps. Nothing can be gained out of this deal except money, but time and time again, WWE has shown that money at the cost of its roster and its product is a trade they're willing to make time and time again.

Besides, even if the money wasn't that good, this deal would have a better than average shot at going on as planned because it's all part of the current political landscape. Donald Trump, who is not only the President but also a WWE Hall of Famer, has made himself buddy-buddy with the House of Saud, even more than past Presidents like Barack Obama, who should have known better. He's selling the Saudis weapons and even gave them manpower from the US Military, resulting in the first but not last blunder in his tenure as Commander-in-Chief. The United States is complicit in this genocide and this theocracy and this murder of a US-based journalist, and Vince adheres to the right-wing notion of what this country is anyway. The right wing, especially in this country, is an inscestuous network of gladhanding, money-hiding, and favor-granting. Maybe that's the reason why Vince and WWE were able to get such a great deal from the Saudi government. I doubt this deal goes away, but that doesn't mean anyone should stop screaming about how awful it is. Sometimes, activism requires waving your sword in the face of impossible odds, even if it consumes you.

Anyway, if you are looking for wrestling to watch during that time, might I suggest Pro Wrestling EVE? The United Kingdom's premiere all-women wrestling promotion will be live-streaming content all during the Super Showdown event:
While I'm not as high on the British scene as most, I will say that the women seem to have a stronger crop of wrestlers than the men, and that even if you end up NOT enjoying it, well, it's free. No cost to you but your time. Either way, you're watching wrestling from a female-forward promotion that doesn't take Saudi blood money. I'd say it's well worth the effort.
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On AEW and Rejecting Transphobia

May 30, 2019, 7:00 am
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Rose's opportunity has given transphobic ninnies conniptions
Photo via All Elite Wrestling
All Elite Wrestling signed Nyla Rose to compete in its women's division. For those who don't know, Rose is a trans woman, in that she was born with male genitals but her brain was wired to identify female. At this point, the trans/cis boundary is accepted science. Some people are born with the parts they were supposed to come with; others were not. This should not bring pause to cis people, because gender is perhaps the most personal thing about a given person. A person is male, female, or some other gender in between on a wide-ranging spectrum that is about as infinite as the numbers after the decimal point in pi. However, some people have made it their mission in life to torment trans people for the audacity to notice that their own bodies may not reflect who they really are.

One of those people was in attendance at Double or Nothing this past Saturday. That person made gross transphobic remarks at Rose and possibly other wrestlers whom he didn't feel "passed" enough as their stated gender. Thankfully, the person sitting next to this douchebag yelled at him to stop. The person who yelled to stop is actually the brother of Wrestling Twitter's own @repalec, so big ups to him for standing up where many other people have remained seated. Anyway, back to the transphobic idiot, he was so mad that he was told to shut it that he went on Twitter and whined about it.


I thought these morons were supposed to be alpha? But I digress. He made a big deal out of being told to stop being a transphobe that it ended up trickling up the line. Matt Jackson of the Young Bucks found out about it and promptly banned him from future AEW events.
In a rare moment of proaction, Gabe Sapolsky, functionally a WWE employee nowadays, banned him from future WWNLive (EVOLVE, etc) events.
Surprisingly, rejecting vocal transphobia has brought AEW and WWE-adjacency together. Who knew?

Now, I haven't even finished writing this post, and I sense some grumbling from prospective readers. Aren't these bans cynical in that they're done to protect revenue influx and not because it's the right thing to do? Well, in some respects, it probably is. It is right and good to mistrust those in capital, even if part of that capital is part of the workforce. That being said, if the edict came down from Tony Khan, I might be more cynical than I am. Khan and his father, Jacksonville Jaguars and Fulham FC owner Shahid, gave $1M to Donald Trump's campaign and only started "regretting" it publicly after he was elected and started being the rancidly bigoted doofus everyone who didn't vote for him knew he was going to be. They have a Stephanie McMahon "woke capitalist" strain to them, and it causes me not to give them the benefit of any doubts whatsoever.

The Young Bucks and even Cody Rhodes feel different to me, if just slightly. They are on the ground floor, listening to fans, talking to them (and to be fair, that aren't talking to them but mentioning their names in not so positive lights). They're cultivating a fanbase that they want, and judging by them siding with @repalec's brother over the dickhead yelling slurs at Rose, they are saying they want an inclusive fanbase. Hell, the act of SIGNING Rose is a huge step, seeing as WWE, Impact, World Championship Wrestling, Extreme Championship Wrestling, or whatever other nationally televised wrestling program in history has failed to bring an out trans wrestler aboard. Now, a young trans person can have a greater hope that they can work in a major promotion in the States (Yosuke Santa-Maria and the non-KANA wrestler named ASUKA broke that barrier in Japan) without remaining in the closet. That's huge.

I know that a lot of people, myself included, want things done for the right reasons, but at this point, perhaps accepting that things might be done in order to sell tickets is a compromise all should be willing to take. It got Rose's foot in the door in a company that seems to appreciate her for what she can do in the ring, not for the state of her gender. It is showing that people who spew vile hatred at folks for the unchangeable reason of who they are have not place in their crowd. Even if it was done for capitalistic reasons, well, I'm not going to complain about it. Then again, transphobia appears to be one of the last "acceptable" bigotries left standing, especially since people who claim to be liberals or leftists go after trans people under the false pretense that they're "helping women." These trans-exclusionary reactionary feminists, or TERFs1 as they're called by shorthand, make it dangerous to maneuver in life from the "left" as it is from the right. So maybe, just maybe, the Bucks and Rhodes really do believe in their hearts that this is the right thing to do. I don't know.

1 - I know from experience; don't use the term TERF on Twitter if you don't want to get banned. Those assholes are ruthless.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 261

May 30, 2019, 10:00 am
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Who's gonna tell HIM not to drop ribaldry?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 280 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Hoo boy. Yeah, I don't know who will do that, and honestly, I don't think I want to know how they're going to decide that. Of course, it won't be the first time a situation like this has come up, but if Chikara DOES act, it'll be the first time they did so in a timely manner. Remember when Tommy Dreamer said "shit" at King of Trios '10 after the Tag Gauntlet? Or when Feníx said "fuck" at Trios in '15? Yeah, perhaps Mike Quackenbush or someone else should've had conversations with them before coming into Chikara. I remember hearing about the hissy fit Quack allegedly had after Feníx dropped that f-bomb and thought "Did anyone think to have someone bilingual to relay the news to the dude?" But anyway, if Quack is scared of telling Steiner (and even now, Big Poppa Pump is intimidating), then he should probably just make it the prize of one of those famous Chikara raffles.

It's Shockwave the Robot, because he's a robot, duh.

Oh, you meant as in HEAVY METAL MUSIC. Ah, well, normally I would answer with either Aleister Black or Bugenhagen, but they both work for WWE, and how metal can you truly be if you're corporate? Please ignore the fact that I enjoy both of Metallica's post-Napster meltdown albums (St. Anger doesn't exist, and in fact, what is a St. Anger?). Even though he's in a metal band, it can't be Chris Jericho because you can't truly be metal if you exude Drunk Uncle Energy. The answer in this case is Oleg the Usurper. He's a big dude who loves to smash things, and he's got a medieval warlord gimmick. You know how much metal bands love that shit. Plus his name sounds like it would fit for a member of a metal band.

The happiest would be a Raptors win in any amount of games, and the team celebrating by everyone tweeting pictures of goatse at LeBron James for choosing to go to the Lakers instead of staying in the East and owning them. The saddest would be the Warriors sweeping with four blowouts, because man, they're too good that it's so boring if it's easy.

Now, how I think it'll shake out is tough. The Warriors are a true dynasty who were possibly a Draymond Green nutshot away from winning four titles in four years. That being said, their first title was almost not to be because Kawhi Leonard made it his mission to be a one-person-wrecking-machine. When he got hurt, the Spurs were done-zo. Who's the best player on the Raptors right now? You guessed it, it's Kawhi Leonard. Now, are the current Raptors as good as those Spurs teams? It's hard to tell, especially since the same team surrounded by DeMar DeRozan folded like a cheap card table when facing up against LeBron. The Warriors are a complete team that's greater than the sum of parts of any LeBron team. So I'll take the Warriors in six as my official call. This is the last title they win before Klay Thompson and Kevin Durant flee for different scenery and more money, and the Steph Curry/Green/Andre Iguodala Warriors go from prohibitive favorite in the league merely to probably Pacific Division winners with a conference finals ceiling, depending on what free agents they attract to replace the departed.

I WILL NEVER DO THE FANDANGO, YOU HEAR ME?

Oh okay fine (I'm sorry for missing that question in the past).

Squirrel Girl rules for what she represents, an eternally vigilant thorn in the side of misogynists who hate it whenever a female creator or even just a character does well. SG kicks the asses of every major Marvel cosmic baddie, from Thanos to Galactus, but you never see the action. And it's canon! If petulant manbabies hate it when Captain Marvel in the movies doesn't play by the rules they set, they shit their pants at SG comics telling the audience to take it on faith that she beat Thanos so bad that he wished that he never ever got horny for Lady Death. To me, that's A-plus trolling, and I respect the fuck out of it.

If they are, they aren't trying hard enough. Then again, one of the Usos got knocked for DUI, and that got them rewarded with contract extensions. Lio Rush is following the blueprint of how to get sent home from an uptight racist company, and he's not being fired. I'm afraid at what levels talent is going to have to go to to get out of that company. Is someone going to have to knock over a bank? Drive a car through a storefront? Stump for Bernie Sanders? Who knows. I'm not sure I want to see what the results of them trying would be though.

Protected user @earthdog asks:
The Rock N Roll Express in the 80s represented youth culture standing against the establishment? What do they represent now in 2019? FOLLOW UP" If you were to craft a new tag team to be the 2019 Rock N Roll Express rival's what would that tag team represent
They represent nostalgia trying to fit into the current scene of 2019. They are still beloved by a wrestling fandom that by and large still holds onto the past, but they're still active because they have medical bills and prescriptions to pay for they still feel like they have something to add. They, even more than Terry Funk, whose aura is ageless and transcends eras, are the avatars of not throwing away something just because it's old.

Their rivals would then be those who want to kill the past, taking directly from Kylo Ren's entire reason for being in The Last Jedi. Simple enough, but the RRX isn't exactly a team that screams nuance.

I think you answered your own question there. WWE has toned down the curse words and what not in the wake of [REDACTED] but it's still the same cruel, sexist, racist program it's always been. But it's now a nice kind of bigoted so that people will pay money to put their names on it as sponsors. GO figure.

Now that Game of Thrones is over, the only thing I'm doing really is playing Dead Cells on Switch. It's a fantastic game, with replay value after you clear it the first time, like I have. If you like hack'n'slash adventure games with power ups and swords, you'll love this. I'd also recommend Hollow Knight to that end. I completed that one months ago, but it's so good that I will preach its gospel to anyone who'll listen. Oh, and also Agents of SHIELD too, which got a Friday death slot, but at least it also was renewed for one more season after this. I dunno, putting a show on Friday nights is a death knell. It really takes a lot of the juice away from it, y'know?

It's Sasha Banks. It's always been Sasha Banks. WWE is not going to give her what she needs, which is room to spread her wings. She, more than anyone else except possibly Sami Zayn, was teased with the yoke of the spotlight in NXT, and when she got to main, it was Charlotte Flair that got to graduate to main event status on the reg and not the both of them. AEW will give her a shot to carry the weight. She'll either be the first Women's Champion, or she will be in the mix for it with Nyla Rose, Britt Baker, and Kylie Rae. She will get the chance to close shows, whether on TNT or on the special supercards. And she'll get a chance to prove that she is the best thing this business has to offer, male, female, or otherwise on that stage. If she comes back to WWE? Well, I'm not so sure about that.

Phase 4 is tricky because it seems like it's already mapped out with Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 3, the Black Panther, Captain Marvel, and Dr. Strange sequels scheduled, The Eternals and Shang Chi, and POSSIBLY the third Spider-Man movie. That fourth phase seems kinda robust from here, which leaves little room for Marvel/Disney's newest acquisitions, the Fantastic Four and mutants galore. Everything seems so plotted out and yet the direction is unknown. What everyone DOES know is that time travel is in play, Iron Man and Black Widow are dead, Captain America is old, and it's now a multiverse. So that plays HEAVILY into Avengers 5: I'M STILL ALIVE having a main antagonist of Kang the Conqueror. How does the MCU get there from where it will be after the end of Spider-Man: Far from Home? Well, that I don't know. I figure the Hulk and possibly Thor will play in, plus at least some of the players with active movies.

Now, what do I want to happen? I want them to start sprinkling in new characters into these movies. Rather than doing a hard reboot of the X-Men and F4 franchises, I'd love to see just place random characters from those spheres into already planned movies, like Storm in Black Panther 2, Dr. Doom in Avengers 5, or Deadpool in one of the Spidey movies. I also want to see a New Asgardians movie starring Tessa Thompson and Taika Watiti that explores a minor Thor villain without bringing ol' beer belly back to Earth. Speaking of Thor, Chris Hemsworth has two movies left on his contract, which means Guardians 3 and possibly Thor 4, which hopefully would explore more of the Multiverse, especially interacting with elseworlds Loki, Odin, and Frigga. Finally, just let Vincent D'Onofrio play Wilson Fisk in whatever Sinister Six shit you have planned for Spidey 3. Hell, bring in Charlie Cox as Daredevil and Elden Henson as Foggy and Deborah Ann Woll as Karen. I loved that fucking show so much, and I hate to see that PERFECT cast go to waste.
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