This Sunday marks the 17th Elimination Chamber match in WWE history. Seventeen. The Chamber still feels so new to me, and yet the first one was held a little over 11 years ago at Survivor Series in 2002. This match is famous for a few reasons. First, Rob van Dam crushed Triple H's larynx on a Five Star Frogsplash from the top of one of the pods, marking the most useful RVD has ever been in his career. Second, the match saw Shawn Michaels win his first and only top Championship after his return from near-career-ending back injury. Enjoy!
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From the Archives: Elimination Chamber from Survivor Series 2002
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Celebrate Presidents Day with the Greatest President of Them All
Today is Presidents Day in the United States of America, a day where the land celebrates its chief executives throughout its illustrious history. However, you don't need to be a partisan hack to know that most of the Commanders in Chief this country has seen have unequivocally sucked shit out of groty public toilets. Who is out there worth celebrating? Abraham Lincoln comes to mind, even if he has the Civil War under his belt. William Henry Harrison didn't have enough time to wreak his havoc since he died 30 days into his first term. But regardless of how good or bad the Presidents of the United States have been (TWO STRING INSTRUMENTS FOR LIFEEEEEE), one governing body hasn't had to deal with incompetence in its oval office, and that body was the World Wrestling Federation.
One man stood above the pack. He was firm but fair, affable but decisive, avuncular but authoritative. He shepherded the company through the tough times and led it to unprecedented prosperity at the end of a long recession. He also had a killer recipe for lasagna. That man was the late, great Gorilla Monsoon.
Monsoon's rise to power was inspiring. He began life as a Manchurian marauder, terrorizing the good denizens of the then-World Wide Wrestling Federation and scaring them into fear and terror. However, nothing in politics is bad enough to keep a true leader down, and he reformed himself to become the voice of a wrestling fan nation, standing up to good friend and better enemy Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and his pro-heel rhetoric. "Will you stop it!" will be known as the most powerful and inspiring statement from a future leader, even moreso than Teddy Roosevelt speaking softly but carrying a big stick, or Barack Obama telling Mitt Romney that he didn't built whatever it is he claimed he built.
Many critics will come out of the woodworks to malign Monsoon's Presidency. However, he handled the Vader Crisis with supreme grace and undeniable poise, and his work as the last great leader of the WWF Nation was lauded and praised. No greater honor could come to him than allowing him to be the last President of the company and bringing forth the new position of "commissioner." No other man, woman, cyborg, or other denominative term could have filled those boots. Some say that the role of commissioner or general manager came with less authoritorial power and thus meant those leaders would govern with decreased efficacy. I say the results would have been the same had they been called President, Prime Minister, or Grand Poobah even.
May everyone celebrate this Presidents Day with the only one who ever mattered. Well, Jack Tunney mattered too, but he went mad with power during his FDR-like stacking of terms upon each other. MAD I SAY. You know who never went mad with power? Gorilla Monsoon, that's who. I salute you, Mr. Monsoon. I salute you.
One man stood above the pack. He was firm but fair, affable but decisive, avuncular but authoritative. He shepherded the company through the tough times and led it to unprecedented prosperity at the end of a long recession. He also had a killer recipe for lasagna. That man was the late, great Gorilla Monsoon.
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| Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Monsoon's rise to power was inspiring. He began life as a Manchurian marauder, terrorizing the good denizens of the then-World Wide Wrestling Federation and scaring them into fear and terror. However, nothing in politics is bad enough to keep a true leader down, and he reformed himself to become the voice of a wrestling fan nation, standing up to good friend and better enemy Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and his pro-heel rhetoric. "Will you stop it!" will be known as the most powerful and inspiring statement from a future leader, even moreso than Teddy Roosevelt speaking softly but carrying a big stick, or Barack Obama telling Mitt Romney that he didn't built whatever it is he claimed he built.
Many critics will come out of the woodworks to malign Monsoon's Presidency. However, he handled the Vader Crisis with supreme grace and undeniable poise, and his work as the last great leader of the WWF Nation was lauded and praised. No greater honor could come to him than allowing him to be the last President of the company and bringing forth the new position of "commissioner." No other man, woman, cyborg, or other denominative term could have filled those boots. Some say that the role of commissioner or general manager came with less authoritorial power and thus meant those leaders would govern with decreased efficacy. I say the results would have been the same had they been called President, Prime Minister, or Grand Poobah even.
May everyone celebrate this Presidents Day with the only one who ever mattered. Well, Jack Tunney mattered too, but he went mad with power during his FDR-like stacking of terms upon each other. MAD I SAY. You know who never went mad with power? Gorilla Monsoon, that's who. I salute you, Mr. Monsoon. I salute you.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, February 17
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| I said yes too Photo via WWE Shop |
1. Ellen Page (Last Week: Not Ranked) - When I'm ruler of the world, anyone who made or continues to make "Who didn't see THAT coming?" comments in regards to her coming out will be euthanized or at least sterilized.
2. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 3) - Daniel Bryan has a posse.
3. AJ Lee (Last Week: 4) - Naomi posed a threat to her Divas Championship, so what did Lee do? She had her taken out. The true mark of a great powerful person.
4. Half-Price Chocolate (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - The best chocolate is the stuff you get from a loved one on Valentine's Day, but the shit you get for real cheap starting the day after is a bonanza for single and spoken-for types alike.
5. Kimber Lee (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She not only laid out an open challenge, but she won over Chuck Taylor with an armbar. Dirt sheets are reporting it was a rib on Chris Jericho. I think.
6. Mark Henry (Last Week: 5) - Did you see the "HOLY SHIT" look on Dean Ambrose's face when Henry was announced as his opponent?
7. Michael Sam (Last Week: 1) - Anyone who inspires a group of people to turn back professional trolls the Westboro Baptist Church is fine by me.
8. Taco Bell (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The company is creating an app that will let people order by smartphone. STONERS OF THE WORLD SHALL REJOICE.
9. TJ Oshie (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I'm not saying his shootout goal lifted America to a win bigger than the Miracle on Ice, but stuffing it to the goddamn Russkies on their home ice? GOLDEN.
10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: Sara del Rey still received a Valentine from Jakob Hammermeier in each of the last three years in an attempt to smooth over that whole unceremonious-boot-from-the-BDK thing. She's considering sending one back next year.
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Instant Feedback: Building a Spectacle
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| An earned spot Photo Credit: WWE.com |
When a spot gets over, it gets a reaction. Whether it happens quickly during a non-competitive exhibition match, or whether it happens towards the end of the match, fans will hopefully recognize it and cheer for it. How can two wrestlers build to elevate even the most familiar of spots, though? How can they make that reaction go from a common, Pavlovian cheer into a transformative, echoing, satisfaction-inducing roar? They build to it. They tease the move, and then yank it away. For maximum effect, they'll do it again, maybe a third or fourth time before finally executing it after all hope is lost, and when the thing finally happens, they've manipulated the crowd to maximum effect.
When Antonio Cesaro first teased the Giant Swing on John Cena, I personally didn't think he would pull it off. That move is great to display on lower card opponents of sizable girth, but the Franchise, the Man, John Cena? No way. They would craft a match that was able to get the point across and work the crowd in ways both guys were more than able to. But then Cesaro had Cena by the legs again, and they even went one better, going into a STF attempt that went into the Swiss Superman lifting that pillar of granite into a deadlift gutwrench. If that instance was the last time they teased the Giant Swing in the match, they would have done their job.
But then, out of seemingly impossible setup, Cesaro grabbed Cena by the legs, lifted him up off the ground, and swung him around for ten rotations. The crowd, or at least the part of the crowd that chants "CENA SUCKS!" exploded. That reaction was no accident. They built to that spot. They earned that spot.
When critics and analysts talk about storytelling in a match, the march towards a climactic moment is exactly what they talk about. That moment can be something within the greater feud, but true masters can come in with barely any angular attachment and build to something special, a spectacle, if you will. Cena and Cesaro were entangled inasmuch as they're going to be in LEXAN pods in the Elimination Chamber Sunday. The overall narrative is more about Randy Orton anyway. So they had two options, and they chose the better one.
Pretend for a second that crowds actually saved their "This is awesome!" chants for selective matches and didn't give it out to everything that involves a wrestler they like that goes two segments. A match like this doesn't get that kind of chant only for the Giant Swing. Cena took a MASSIVE bump that I thought his name was Seth Rollins for a second. The finishing sequence was sublime as well. How a man the size of Cesaro has the dexterity to land on his feet out of an Attitude Adjustment attempt is probably the most impressive thing he does, and he's a man who shoot deadlifts Great Khali like it's no thing. Then, Cena rolled through the Neutralizer into the final AA, and its beauty cancelled out any malodor that was connected with him taking another duke.
But this match was all about the delicate teetering on the edge, making the crowd rabid for something they seem to take for granted. Pro wrestling is art, and both Antonio Cesaro and John Cena are artists. I for one love the fact WWE has opened up RAW as an expansive canvas for them to create.
When Antonio Cesaro first teased the Giant Swing on John Cena, I personally didn't think he would pull it off. That move is great to display on lower card opponents of sizable girth, but the Franchise, the Man, John Cena? No way. They would craft a match that was able to get the point across and work the crowd in ways both guys were more than able to. But then Cesaro had Cena by the legs again, and they even went one better, going into a STF attempt that went into the Swiss Superman lifting that pillar of granite into a deadlift gutwrench. If that instance was the last time they teased the Giant Swing in the match, they would have done their job.
But then, out of seemingly impossible setup, Cesaro grabbed Cena by the legs, lifted him up off the ground, and swung him around for ten rotations. The crowd, or at least the part of the crowd that chants "CENA SUCKS!" exploded. That reaction was no accident. They built to that spot. They earned that spot.
When critics and analysts talk about storytelling in a match, the march towards a climactic moment is exactly what they talk about. That moment can be something within the greater feud, but true masters can come in with barely any angular attachment and build to something special, a spectacle, if you will. Cena and Cesaro were entangled inasmuch as they're going to be in LEXAN pods in the Elimination Chamber Sunday. The overall narrative is more about Randy Orton anyway. So they had two options, and they chose the better one.
Pretend for a second that crowds actually saved their "This is awesome!" chants for selective matches and didn't give it out to everything that involves a wrestler they like that goes two segments. A match like this doesn't get that kind of chant only for the Giant Swing. Cena took a MASSIVE bump that I thought his name was Seth Rollins for a second. The finishing sequence was sublime as well. How a man the size of Cesaro has the dexterity to land on his feet out of an Attitude Adjustment attempt is probably the most impressive thing he does, and he's a man who shoot deadlifts Great Khali like it's no thing. Then, Cena rolled through the Neutralizer into the final AA, and its beauty cancelled out any malodor that was connected with him taking another duke.
But this match was all about the delicate teetering on the edge, making the crowd rabid for something they seem to take for granted. Pro wrestling is art, and both Antonio Cesaro and John Cena are artists. I for one love the fact WWE has opened up RAW as an expansive canvas for them to create.
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RAW Is Doge. Very Wrestling. Such Sign. Wow.
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| .gif via Wrasslor Monkey |
That sign pretty much speaks for itself. I'd say that it is the best crowd sign I've seen at RAW since that one dude brought the Fathead of Batista with his shit-eating grin. And the best part is that crowd got to see a match from WWE's human meme himself, Bige Langston. Wow. Amaze.
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Remember Larry Sweeney Today
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| 12 Large Forever Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
Larry Sweeney, the enigmatic and charismatic wrestler and manager, would have turned 33 years old today. Nearly three years ago, a week before King of Trios in 2011, he took his own life after battling depression for an extended period of time. Sweeney was loved by seemingly everyone who knew him, and his passing cast a pall over the wrestling world, especially Chikara, for a long time. One could say that the Chikara family is still trying to cope with his death.
As a performer, very few people were as vibrant, charismatic, or joyful as Sweeney, but underneath his shiny exterior, he was in real pain. Today, and every day, the best thing you can do is not look the other way when a friend of yours is showing symptoms of depression. Talk to them. Get them help. Don't say they're a downer and cut them out, and then remark how you "saw it coming" after they died, whether regretfully, or like some callous individuals did after Sweeney's death, blithely. The second best thing you can do is reach out to charities that help people who are dealing with mental illness and vote for elected officials who at least say they want to fix the state of treatment towards those battling depression and other debilitating mental issues.
And as a bonus, the following video shows Sweeney back when he met Ric Flair while with Ring of Honor.
As a performer, very few people were as vibrant, charismatic, or joyful as Sweeney, but underneath his shiny exterior, he was in real pain. Today, and every day, the best thing you can do is not look the other way when a friend of yours is showing symptoms of depression. Talk to them. Get them help. Don't say they're a downer and cut them out, and then remark how you "saw it coming" after they died, whether regretfully, or like some callous individuals did after Sweeney's death, blithely. The second best thing you can do is reach out to charities that help people who are dealing with mental illness and vote for elected officials who at least say they want to fix the state of treatment towards those battling depression and other debilitating mental issues.
And as a bonus, the following video shows Sweeney back when he met Ric Flair while with Ring of Honor.
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The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 130: Andrew Rosin
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| The best thing WWE ever did? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Andrew Rosin of Bucky's 5th Quarter comes aboard the podcast this week. We dive in immediately on the pressing issue of the day, the doge sign on RAW, which actually leads to discussion about the best fan signs and whether we made our own signs for events. Next on the docket is discussion on the John Cena/Antonio Cesaro match, specifically on how Cena wrestles two different kinds of matches, and what kind of ceiling Cesaro has in WWE. We touch a bit on cheap heat gimmicks, Bad News Barrett, Vince McMahon's sense of humor, and the bad announcing. We touch on wrestling t-shirts a bit and then preview Elimination Chamber. Mainly, the Chamber itself and the huge trios match between the Wyatt Family and The Shield. Andrew makes his pick for the best replacement should Roman Reigns be ejected from the latter group as well. Andrew then gives his treatment for the WWE Films take on the Jingle All the Way sequel, one that's actually pretty engaging and heartwarming. We get into some Twitter questions, which include sidebars about dumb sports fans and the Penn State coaching search, and we both agree on which decade we'd choose to be confined into if we could only watch one decade of wrestling for the rest of our lives.
Direct link for your downloading pleasure
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The Best Moves Ever: Frankensteiner
The hurricanrana has become known as a little guy move because of how prominently a part of Rey Mysterio's offense it was in his lucha libre and WCW days. However, the move came to prominence to me through one Scott Steiner, who was anything but a little guy. He would do it to guys in the corner off the top, but the most impressive executions of it would be off the Irish whip. Of course, Steiner's maneuvering might send shivers down the front office's collective spine with how much of a head drop it is, but then again, he's always been a bit unhinged, hasn't he?
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RIP Nelson Frazier
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| Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Via WrestleChat
Nelson Frazier, Jr., the man who was known as Big Daddy V, Viscera, Mabel, Big Daddy Voodoo, and King V during his career, passed away last night of an apparent heart attack. He was 43 years of age. While he was an alumnus of the USWA, All-Japan Pro Wrestling, Juggalo Championship Wrestling, and Championship Wrestling from Hollywood, Frazier was most known for his multiple stints in WWE spanning nearly 15 years. He is survived by his wife, who broke the news of his death to his agent Eric Simms.
Frazier began his career in the independents in 1993, but he was quickly signed by the then-World Wrestling Federation. He and his tag team partner were christened Mabel and Mo, Men on a Mission, and were pushed as positive influences within the urban (read, black) community. That run came to an end when the team attacked their manager Oscar and turned heel. Mo transitioned to a more managerial role, while Mabel went on to win the 1995 King of the Ring tournament. He would receive a title shot at Diesel at SummerSlam that year which proved unsuccessful. After a feud with the Undertaker, he left the company for a short period and wrestled mostly in Puerto Rico and Tennessee.
He would return in 1999 as Viscera, a member of the Undertaker's Ministry of Darkness. His stint was primarily marked by being the Ministry's enforcer, a tag team partner to Mideon, and a bastion of the Hardcore Division. He would leave in 2000 and floated around various independents with a short stint in TNA in the interim. He would return in 2004, wrestling as a gross sexual glutton who made disgusting overtures to various women on the roster. Thankfully, he was repackaged as Matt Striker's hired muscle in the WWE version of ECW, where he would remain basically until the end of his career in WWE. Afterwards, he would wrestle primarily for the indies, although he had a stint in AJPW in 2010 and 2011.
I won't lie and say how big a fan I was of Frazier's when he was alive, but outside of his stint as a borderline sexual predator (which was probably more Creative/Vince McMahon than him anyway), he was never really an offensive performer to me. Regardless, 43 is far too young to die, and many of his peers say he was one of the sweetest, most genuine men who ever graced a locker room. May he rest in peace, and may everyone whose lives he touched find solace and comfort.
Nelson Frazier, Jr., the man who was known as Big Daddy V, Viscera, Mabel, Big Daddy Voodoo, and King V during his career, passed away last night of an apparent heart attack. He was 43 years of age. While he was an alumnus of the USWA, All-Japan Pro Wrestling, Juggalo Championship Wrestling, and Championship Wrestling from Hollywood, Frazier was most known for his multiple stints in WWE spanning nearly 15 years. He is survived by his wife, who broke the news of his death to his agent Eric Simms.
Frazier began his career in the independents in 1993, but he was quickly signed by the then-World Wrestling Federation. He and his tag team partner were christened Mabel and Mo, Men on a Mission, and were pushed as positive influences within the urban (read, black) community. That run came to an end when the team attacked their manager Oscar and turned heel. Mo transitioned to a more managerial role, while Mabel went on to win the 1995 King of the Ring tournament. He would receive a title shot at Diesel at SummerSlam that year which proved unsuccessful. After a feud with the Undertaker, he left the company for a short period and wrestled mostly in Puerto Rico and Tennessee.
He would return in 1999 as Viscera, a member of the Undertaker's Ministry of Darkness. His stint was primarily marked by being the Ministry's enforcer, a tag team partner to Mideon, and a bastion of the Hardcore Division. He would leave in 2000 and floated around various independents with a short stint in TNA in the interim. He would return in 2004, wrestling as a gross sexual glutton who made disgusting overtures to various women on the roster. Thankfully, he was repackaged as Matt Striker's hired muscle in the WWE version of ECW, where he would remain basically until the end of his career in WWE. Afterwards, he would wrestle primarily for the indies, although he had a stint in AJPW in 2010 and 2011.
I won't lie and say how big a fan I was of Frazier's when he was alive, but outside of his stint as a borderline sexual predator (which was probably more Creative/Vince McMahon than him anyway), he was never really an offensive performer to me. Regardless, 43 is far too young to die, and many of his peers say he was one of the sweetest, most genuine men who ever graced a locker room. May he rest in peace, and may everyone whose lives he touched find solace and comfort.
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Your Midweek Links: Indies, WWE's Sexism, and the Wells Report
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| Where it's at Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:
Wrestling Links:
- The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 130: Andrew Rosin [The Return of the Giant Henry O. Godwinn-weed]
- The joy of indie wrestling [Voices of Wrestling]
- The Best and Worst of RAW: Hard Fart Matches [With Leather]
- Facts on Naomi's injury, the Divas, and women in WWE [The Only Way Is Suplex]
- 7 Things: Favorite Rivalries [Wrestling on Earth]
- The Ten Count: Black Tag Teams [Old School Jabronis]
- Elimination Chamber by the numbers [Voices of Wrestling]
Non-Wrestling Links:
- The non-scientist's guide to why nuclear fusion is important [Gamma Squad]
- The NHL needs to stop being so cowardly about the shootout and adopt the "TJ Oshie rule" [Puck Daddy]
- Why it's not okay to use the word "rape" for anything else [Groupthink]
- "Love the sinner, hate the sin" [TH's House of Random]
- Why non-assholes always want to prove themselves to assholes [Deadspin]
- The Wells Report proves the NFL needs real change [Sports on Earth]
- Texas sportscaster defends Michael Sam in this epic report [Warming Glow]
- How Sports Illustrated botched the Michael Sam story [Deadspin]
- You could get a delay of game for going too fast in 2014 [Every Day Should Be Saturday]
- A list of NCAA rules that are just as likely to be made as the ten-second substitution thing [Campus Union]
- Why Colin Kaepernick is just as "cerebral" as Peyton Manning [Deadspin]
- Five vitamins and supplements actually worth taking [The Smithsonian]
- Taco Bell will start taking orders via smartphone app later this year [The Verge]
- Cookin' ATVS Style: Smoked Onion Chipotle Barbecue Sauce [And the Valley Shook]
- How to make a simple goddamn grilled cheese sandwich [Foodspin]
- Matt Groening's favorite ten Simpsons episodes [Warming Glow]
- Pixar's Josh Cooley makes R-Rated films into kids' books [UPROXX]
- The new RoboCop is what the original RoboCop meant to kill [Gawker]
- A journey through bootleg Pokemon games [Kotaku]
Wrestling Links:
- The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 130: Andrew Rosin [The Return of the Giant Henry O. Godwinn-weed]
- The joy of indie wrestling [Voices of Wrestling]
- The Best and Worst of RAW: Hard Fart Matches [With Leather]
- Facts on Naomi's injury, the Divas, and women in WWE [The Only Way Is Suplex]
- 7 Things: Favorite Rivalries [Wrestling on Earth]
- The Ten Count: Black Tag Teams [Old School Jabronis]
- Elimination Chamber by the numbers [Voices of Wrestling]
Non-Wrestling Links:
- The non-scientist's guide to why nuclear fusion is important [Gamma Squad]
- The NHL needs to stop being so cowardly about the shootout and adopt the "TJ Oshie rule" [Puck Daddy]
- Why it's not okay to use the word "rape" for anything else [Groupthink]
- "Love the sinner, hate the sin" [TH's House of Random]
- Why non-assholes always want to prove themselves to assholes [Deadspin]
- The Wells Report proves the NFL needs real change [Sports on Earth]
- Texas sportscaster defends Michael Sam in this epic report [Warming Glow]
- How Sports Illustrated botched the Michael Sam story [Deadspin]
- You could get a delay of game for going too fast in 2014 [Every Day Should Be Saturday]
- A list of NCAA rules that are just as likely to be made as the ten-second substitution thing [Campus Union]
- Why Colin Kaepernick is just as "cerebral" as Peyton Manning [Deadspin]
- Five vitamins and supplements actually worth taking [The Smithsonian]
- Taco Bell will start taking orders via smartphone app later this year [The Verge]
- Cookin' ATVS Style: Smoked Onion Chipotle Barbecue Sauce [And the Valley Shook]
- How to make a simple goddamn grilled cheese sandwich [Foodspin]
- Matt Groening's favorite ten Simpsons episodes [Warming Glow]
- Pixar's Josh Cooley makes R-Rated films into kids' books [UPROXX]
- The new RoboCop is what the original RoboCop meant to kill [Gawker]
- A journey through bootleg Pokemon games [Kotaku]
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Bulletproof Trios: WWE Elimination Chamber Preview, Part 1
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| The poop's gonna go down on Sunday Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Usually, the Venn Diagram doesn't have "long-lived" and "well-booked" overlapping for bad guy conglomerates in WWE, yet The Shield, who debuted 15 months ago, have been one of the steadiest-pushed, most stable groups in the company. They underwent at least three metamorphoses (hired Paul Heyman goons to gold collecting egotists to steady private security to Roman Reigns star vehicle), and the only time they were in danger of losing any momentum was that brief period before SummerSlam when "da sheetz" reported that they were in the doghouse because Reigns was too mouthy. Excuse me while I try to hold back my snickering.
The Wyatts, meanwhile, have always remained a star vehicle for their insanely charismatic titular leader, and the group's career arc looks strangely reminiscent of the one taken by the Undertaker upon his debut in 1990. They are using supernatural means to seize a piece of the main event scene, and the results so far have been smashing, the pinnacle of which so far have been their two-month harassment and subsequent abduction of Daniel Bryan.
Despite the common "backstage" logic being that these two groups should be as far apart as possible, their clashing has made more sense than anything WWE has done since the Nexus formed and destroyed a RAW set in response to, well, Season 1 of NXT. Seriously, if I had to jump through hoops (literally) while Michael Cole made fun of me incessantly, I would wanna wreck shit in response. And in the same vein, if I were part of a trio that had its sights squarely on the top dogs in the yard, dogs like the Undertaker, Bryan, and John Cena, you're damn well right I wouldn't want another trio horning in on the action.
The beauty of their feud has been in how logically it built even though it lay dormant for two months. The two trios clashed in November before they were apparently separated. However, for as much as those two handicap matches looked like WWE having nothing in the tank for TLC after the Unification Match, the tandem of matches in retrospect look like they were flare ups in a cold war between the two groups. Rather than attacking each other directly, they were set on separate wars against opponents they seemed to have decided advantages over. However, Bryan proved to be more Grenada for the Wyatts, while CM Punk was The Shield's personal Afghanistan.
I want to be surprised that WWE Creative and Vince McMahon had the patience to pull off this kind of simplistic beauty between the two stables. Then again, both trios have been bulletproof from WWE's booking malaise so far. Obviously, the Wyatts haven't been around for as long as The Shield has, but both groups still have found themselves with plenty of momentum, strewn with scads of interest attached to their narratives, and stocked with ace members within their ranks who can take the strain of being a WWE main event player. Maybe their auras make it easy for the writers to craft a simple narrative and allow them to explore the studio space to make it their own.
The only downside to their contest is that unless WWE calls a major audible, their match Sunday will be the blowoff match and not one at Mania. Bray Wyatt looks like he has a bigger fish to fry in Cena, while The Shield's implosion countdown starts with the finish of said match at the Chamber. Then again, maybe an extended build into Mania would be the thing that pushes this feud from perfection into overkill. I can't read the future, let alone multiple possible futures. However, the finale that WWE is presenting on Sunday feels pitch-perfect. Despite their final non-Network pay-per-view being a two-match deep show, those two matches look like they'd be worth buying any event for, regardless of what was promoted underneath them.
Tomorrow, part 2 takes a look at the actual Chamber match.
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Best Coast Bias: ¡Otra Vez Miércoles Noche Trios!
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| BEAST IN THE WORLD~! Photo Credit: WWE.com |
If there's a principle the WWE's been built around the past year and a half, their equivalent of "sun rises in the East" or "Don't bring up Tyler Perry around me, especially this month", it's simply this:
Don't bring in three random dudes against the Shield.
In the immortal parlance of Al Davis, they will go dowen, and they will go dowen hod.
Last week, the luchadoric three-man squad of Los Matadores y Sin Cara found out what happens when you go against the unified front provided by the Wyatt Family. In the immortal word of Garfield and Friends, SPLUT. Or, considering that Roman Reigns ruined 66.7% of their unit at once this week around, perhaps the proper term is GORSH. It didn't matter that this match existing made Continuity Bear do the Shopping Cart, or that El Torito pulled out a double jump cannonball on Seth Rollins (who went Full Rollins twice in the D or E show before a major pay-per-view, bless his heart). A Shield trios match against anything that doesn't resemble a Southern Baptists/Swamp Thing mashup at this point is in the WWE dictionary under fait accompli, and the crowd is completely unhesitant in chanting for Roman Reigns to fudge up sicles while also cheering for the obstenible white hats.
Should we be nearing the end of the Shield as a unit, let us say that while the E may've left some money on the table in not fully exploiting those who translate Sierra Hotel India as "Ladies, start your ovaries!", that the NXT grads were a perfect thing in a highly imperfect funhouse mirror world and we'll all be a bit lesser for them going. The lack of dissension when things're running relatively smoothly, Ambrose's perpetual looks of disgruntletude that people are dare fighting back against the longest-reigning Champion the E has on offer, oh, and things like Roman Reigns spearing the uckfay out of two guys at once as a mere prelude to a SUPERMAN PUNCH HART ATTACK. Rollins doing the Blackout after that was just crumbled-up cookie things on the colored sprinkles of the froyo that was this match, and it didn't matter which of the Santana disciples took the fall after getting hit with the sodium benzoate served up by the Hounds. At the risk of sounding like the type of person who'd write this column, do these guys have to break up?
Now, the Funkadactyls haven't broken up; Naomi's just on the shelf. But turning rain into a way to water the flowers, this has allowed them to promote Total Divas in the form of a Getting To Know Cameron video package. (Or perhaps the inverse; as usual when it comes to this sort of thing, WWE will Thickely Robin any sort of line standing in the path of them becoming New Disney.); So she came out with a purpose when she took on Aksana, who jumped her before she could even get into the ring and then smiled cruelly while pointing at her knee, the Michael Dunn of the divas division. While not as good as the bout she had with NattieKat last week, it's clear that Aksana has improved by leaps and bounds in the past few weeks.& And Cameron showed some rough promise to build on as a good gal, outsmarting Foxsana with a meeting of the minds, tuning up Alicia with a nice slap, and Reyesque wheelbarrow bulldog. When she outsmarted Aksana with a small package to win, it wasn't full retribution for her partner. It did, however, signal that at least for a few minutes Cameron should be able to fill in for her partner, even if filling her shoes is something that's more down the road than in her present.
So...um...well, there's no nice way to say this. Kofi Kingston and Curtis Axel had a match that ended the show. Hey, remember last year when these guys both held the IC belt? Yeah, me either. The crowd was more into antagonizing the Big Guy at ringside, who seemed set to avenge his partner getting mowed down by the dreadlocked man when suddenly it was WIG SPLITTIN' O CLOCK, FOOLS. Sadly, with Teddy Long having died on the way back to his home planet last year, there was no tag team match in the offering, playas. Instead, Kofi got in some more offense with maybe four moves coming from Mr. Imperfect and a botched spot before Ryback ran in for the DQ. That's right, there was a DQ on this show on this edition of the show. Sweet sassy molassy. Having not learned his lesson from last year's WrestleMania (a note of grace helpfully remembered by Saxton and Phillips, already the second best team in the Stamford payroll that isn't Young Regality While Other People Refuse To Shut Up And Let Them Be Dammit), Ryback thus set himself up to get hossed by Mark Henry and he and his partner tope con hiloed by Kofi.
Sure, it was a one-note show. But when that note's being playing in Special Op terms, it's a thing of beauty.
Don't bring in three random dudes against the Shield.
In the immortal parlance of Al Davis, they will go dowen, and they will go dowen hod.
Last week, the luchadoric three-man squad of Los Matadores y Sin Cara found out what happens when you go against the unified front provided by the Wyatt Family. In the immortal word of Garfield and Friends, SPLUT. Or, considering that Roman Reigns ruined 66.7% of their unit at once this week around, perhaps the proper term is GORSH. It didn't matter that this match existing made Continuity Bear do the Shopping Cart, or that El Torito pulled out a double jump cannonball on Seth Rollins (who went Full Rollins twice in the D or E show before a major pay-per-view, bless his heart). A Shield trios match against anything that doesn't resemble a Southern Baptists/Swamp Thing mashup at this point is in the WWE dictionary under fait accompli, and the crowd is completely unhesitant in chanting for Roman Reigns to fudge up sicles while also cheering for the obstenible white hats.
Should we be nearing the end of the Shield as a unit, let us say that while the E may've left some money on the table in not fully exploiting those who translate Sierra Hotel India as "Ladies, start your ovaries!", that the NXT grads were a perfect thing in a highly imperfect funhouse mirror world and we'll all be a bit lesser for them going. The lack of dissension when things're running relatively smoothly, Ambrose's perpetual looks of disgruntletude that people are dare fighting back against the longest-reigning Champion the E has on offer, oh, and things like Roman Reigns spearing the uckfay out of two guys at once as a mere prelude to a SUPERMAN PUNCH HART ATTACK. Rollins doing the Blackout after that was just crumbled-up cookie things on the colored sprinkles of the froyo that was this match, and it didn't matter which of the Santana disciples took the fall after getting hit with the sodium benzoate served up by the Hounds. At the risk of sounding like the type of person who'd write this column, do these guys have to break up?
Now, the Funkadactyls haven't broken up; Naomi's just on the shelf. But turning rain into a way to water the flowers, this has allowed them to promote Total Divas in the form of a Getting To Know Cameron video package. (Or perhaps the inverse; as usual when it comes to this sort of thing, WWE will Thickely Robin any sort of line standing in the path of them becoming New Disney.); So she came out with a purpose when she took on Aksana, who jumped her before she could even get into the ring and then smiled cruelly while pointing at her knee, the Michael Dunn of the divas division. While not as good as the bout she had with NattieKat last week, it's clear that Aksana has improved by leaps and bounds in the past few weeks.& And Cameron showed some rough promise to build on as a good gal, outsmarting Foxsana with a meeting of the minds, tuning up Alicia with a nice slap, and Reyesque wheelbarrow bulldog. When she outsmarted Aksana with a small package to win, it wasn't full retribution for her partner. It did, however, signal that at least for a few minutes Cameron should be able to fill in for her partner, even if filling her shoes is something that's more down the road than in her present.
So...um...well, there's no nice way to say this. Kofi Kingston and Curtis Axel had a match that ended the show. Hey, remember last year when these guys both held the IC belt? Yeah, me either. The crowd was more into antagonizing the Big Guy at ringside, who seemed set to avenge his partner getting mowed down by the dreadlocked man when suddenly it was WIG SPLITTIN' O CLOCK, FOOLS. Sadly, with Teddy Long having died on the way back to his home planet last year, there was no tag team match in the offering, playas. Instead, Kofi got in some more offense with maybe four moves coming from Mr. Imperfect and a botched spot before Ryback ran in for the DQ. That's right, there was a DQ on this show on this edition of the show. Sweet sassy molassy. Having not learned his lesson from last year's WrestleMania (a note of grace helpfully remembered by Saxton and Phillips, already the second best team in the Stamford payroll that isn't Young Regality While Other People Refuse To Shut Up And Let Them Be Dammit), Ryback thus set himself up to get hossed by Mark Henry and he and his partner tope con hiloed by Kofi.
Sure, it was a one-note show. But when that note's being playing in Special Op terms, it's a thing of beauty.
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Uncertain Certainty: WWE Elimination Chamber Preview, Part 2
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| The winner is unclear but also crushingly obvious Photo Credit: WWE.com |
In the most turbulent build towards WrestleMania in recent memory, the Elimination Chamber is less the formality that it was in years past. Instead, the event, billed as the last stop before the biggest event on wrestling's calendar, will provide a stunning, if almost unprecedented, amount of clarity towards assembling that card. As of right now, the only certainty is that Dave Batista will be challenging the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Ostensibly, that man is going to be Randy Orton, but is the Evolutionary clash really a match that could headline an anniversary WrestleMania? My reaction should come as no surprise to anyone reading this column. The question becomes whether WWE is having second thoughts about that match.
The company can't change the challenger (well, it can, but at this point, I have my doubts it would actually put that stipulation in play), but it can change the Champion. Six men will walk into the Elimination Chamber, all of which have unique cases for and against walking out with the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I will examine all of them, starting from least likely to most.
Christian - While I am excited to see Captain Charisma in the Chamber, I am perplexed as to his inclusion. Obviously, he's one of the cagiest workers in wrestling history, and the Chamber match will benefit from having him in it. However, the rumor is that WWE will not renew his contract when it runs out, and of the six men in this match, he's the longest reach for an opponent who'd carry interest in a Mania-headlining program. My guess is he's in this match to make everyone else look good, to bump huge for either Sheamus or Antonio Cesaro, or provide the humiliating "eliminated as soon as he gets released from the LEXAN chamber" spot.
Antonio Cesaro - Cesaro is the interesting choice to win the match. If this pay-per-view were happening at any other event than the one immediately preceding Mania on the calendar, I might be able to talk myself into a win for the Swiss Superman. I'm still not entirely convinced they won't strap him either. He would certainly get a better match out of Batista than Orton would at this point. The only person I think who had a better year than Cesaro did in 2013 in the ring was Daniel Bryan. He's also been talked up by Triple H in his "fireside chat" segment with Michael Cole, which could be a red herring, but could also be sneaky foreshadowing. Who better to be the face of WWE than a handsome, statuesque legit strongman with Very European charisma and a super-over move in the Giant Swing?
But if trends from the last few years hold true, major shakeups in the WWE order almost never happen in the months leading towards WrestleMania. Cesaro winning the title and supplanting Orton as WWE's big bad would be a sensible move to make in May or June, which is when WWE tends to disrupt the standard operating procedure, but now? I think Cesaro's place at Mania is the same as it was around the Royal Rumble. He'll be a part of the show more than likely, but he will be somewhere below the main event.
Sheamus - Much like Cesaro in 2013, Sheamus was the WWE's rock and salvation in the ring in 2012. He would most likely also get a far better match out of Big Dave than Orton would at this point. Unlike Cesaro, he also has been to the top of the mountain before. While his main events at pay-per-views have been few and far between compared to John Cena, Orton, or even Bryan at this point, he's clearly got both the faith of the front office and some support within the fanbase as a top guy.
Still, while he's undoubtedly a standing threat to the title, he has no history with Batista and no quarrel with the Authority at this point. While WWE has been known to throw shit against the wall to see if it will stick in the past, it at least seems to want its matches to have some kind of greater purpose within a story. Sheamus vs. Batista feels like a match that could headline Over the Edge, Money in the Bank, or Wrestling Match, but WrestleMania? Not this year. Besides, I'm not entirely convinced that Sheamus isn't turning heel soon to set up some other Mania match, be it against Bryan, The Undertaker, or someone out of leftfield like, I don't know, Mark Henry?
John Cena - As long as Cena lives and breathes, he will be a threat to win any match WWE puts on, whether he's involved in it or not. Even after he dies, WWE will try to shock his corpse back to life or partake in some unholy ritual to create the Cenation Zombie who never gives up, not even in the face of death. For as much as I am tired of seeing Cena victorious at the end of every goddamn show, I admit that a WrestleMania XXVI rematch with Batista would be intriguing.
However, a giant, lamb-mask wearing elephant lingers in the room. WWE has been known to start angles and drop them if something better comes along, but a John Cena/Wyatt Family feud not only makes sense from what happened at the Royal Rumble, it presents the most interesting possible match for Cena at WrestleMania outside a title match with Bryan that would take a lot of finagling to get to.
Daniel Bryan - Now come the most likely candidates to walk out of the Chamber with the title in tow. Bryan as Champion is the best-case scenario because it would resolve months of open-ended storytelling of the heroic Bryan finally destroying those who wronged him at SummerSlam and gaining a well-earned resolution to one story before moving onto a different chapter. Bryan winning would also shift Batista's narrative around to a satisfying direction.
Big Dave as a babyface has been effective once in his career, when he chased Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship into WrestleMania XXI. Any time else in his career, he's felt like a pandering jerk whose character dynamics boiled down to him doing his best LOLcat impersonation, asking "I can haz title shot?" over and over and over again. However, as a bad guy, Batista has been compelling to say the least, most recently as the douchebag foil to Cena's whitebread modern spin on the Hulk Hogan archetype.
As the conquering hero good guy right now, Batista is falling flat from both a creative and a live-arena-populist standpoint. Everything WWE is doing right now with him seems like a flailing attempt to get the fans to like him, and I'm not sure it's working. Batista turning heel and joining a Triple H who has been eager to recruit him into the fold against the diminutive People's Champion would be both a fresh story for both guys and a logical continuation of the Daniel Bryan vs. Authority feud.
But what if Bryan's endgame isn't the WWE Championship, but the machine itself? His sojourn against the Wyatts was not a departure from his greater battle against the McMahon-Helmsley regime. Bray Wyatt saw a conflict within Bryan, co-opted it for himself as an evangelical message, and tried to weaponize the most potent force within the company for his own usage. However, his plan backfired and only put Bryan's sights onto the greatest target of them all, the boss himself.
As the People's Champion, Bryan does not need shiny baubles, even if those baubles are what the fans at-large want to see in his possession. Especially now that CM Punk is sitting in his Chicago apartment, apparently not scheduled to wrestle at the biggest event of the year, Bryan vs. Triple H makes the most sense out of any match for the former except a final reckoning against Orton at Mania. Again though, with Batista in the mix, a lot of finagling would be necessary in order to get the stars to align in Bryan's favor within the Chamber.
Randy Orton - Finally, the man who will walk into the Chamber with the belts over his shoulders remains the favorite to walk out as Champion as well. No matter how many times I try to talk myself out of Orton vs. Batista as the title match at WrestleMania, I can't see any other option. Unless a situation arises like it did at Elimination Chamber 2010, when Batista cashed in an ersatz Money in the Bank briefcase minted from Mr. McMahon's whims, and Brock Lesnar ends up as WWE World Heavyweight Champion, no other opponent for Batista makes as much telegraphed sense as the Viper.
For as good as Orton has been over the last year – don't kid yourself, either, Orton has been tremendous in the ring – I'm not sure he can have the match with Batista that WWE seems to want out of him. The Catch-22 is that the match that makes the most sense from a storyline perspective also looks to be the worst possible one put forward. But this crushing sense of expectation weighs on my mind, and I get the dread that WWE is going to continue this weak adversarial dynamic between the Authority and Orton that they inexplicably started around Survivor Series and have pretty much rutted into the ground so that the wheels won't move without some kind of external force yanking them out.
Maybe I'll be wrong, and WWE will actually progress forward with this story in a way that will maddeningly discard the last four months of non-build. Maybe Batista will shake off his ring rust and actually put his working boots on. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my orifices and do my housework. However, for as up in the air as the Elimination Chamber match itself seems to be, the most obvious choice has been the same choice since Batista's return was leaked back in December. For as chaotic and unstable as the WrestleMania card has been foreseen, I almost feel like the most boring outcome possible is a foregone conclusion. I hope I'm wrong though.
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CIMA to Miss Dragon Gate USA This Weekend
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| No uuuuuuuuuu this weekend Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
If you were planning on heading on out to the Dragon Gate USA doubleshot this weekend to see CIMA challenge Johnny Gargano for the Open the Freedom Gate Championship, you might want to pump them brakes a bit. Gabe Sapolsky announced via Twitter that CIMA will miss this weekend's shows. CIMA was the only DG Japan wrestler to come over on this trip, and now, the shows, Saturday in Queens and Sunday in Brooklyn, will pretty much be EVOLVE shows with DGUSA pricing options. To his credit, Sapolsky offered to refund anyone dissatisfied with CIMA missing the show.
In his stead, Trent? will step up as Gargano's challenger Saturday, while his tag partner Anthony Nese will step into the match he was originally booked in against Rich Swann. Roderick Strong is still scheduled to get the title shot on Sunday. I have not seen an announcement on whether the Gargano/Trent? loser will still go up against a member of the Premier Athlete Brand, especially since Trent? belongs to said group. In other news, Tim Donst was announced as being part of the "DGUSA New Talent Initiative" going down this weekend, so this gray cloud has a darn tootin' silver lining at the very least.
In his stead, Trent? will step up as Gargano's challenger Saturday, while his tag partner Anthony Nese will step into the match he was originally booked in against Rich Swann. Roderick Strong is still scheduled to get the title shot on Sunday. I have not seen an announcement on whether the Gargano/Trent? loser will still go up against a member of the Premier Athlete Brand, especially since Trent? belongs to said group. In other news, Tim Donst was announced as being part of the "DGUSA New Talent Initiative" going down this weekend, so this gray cloud has a darn tootin' silver lining at the very least.
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Throwback Thursday: Just a Bunch of Hogwash
In addition to being Larry Sweeney's birthday and the day Nelson Frazier passed away, February 18 was also the anniversary of the passing of "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert. Admittedly, Gilbert resides in a blind spot of my wrestling fandom. I didn't get into ECW until after he had died, and my viewing of old Memphis tapes is light to say the least. However, he is talked up as one of the best talkers and most charismatic characters in wrestling history. I did a quick YouTube search of his name, and the following angle came up. A group called the "Wrestling Fans International Association" polled fans across the country on various awards, and Gilbert and Tommy Rich won Tag Team of the Year. However, by the time the awards were presented, they had broken up. Obviously, they weren't going to accept the awards harmoniously, especially since nothing in Memphis ever happened harmoniously. The best part about the whole thing, though, has to be the running commentary from Lance Russell.
A tip of the hat to @atomic_elbow for this week's selection.
A tip of the hat to @atomic_elbow for this week's selection.
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Best Coast Bias: And Now The Magic Number Is One
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| I cropped out the border of rainbows my eyes put on this Screen grab via of the Day=Made Tumblr |
Best for business is an amorphous phrase coined by a multi-million dollar conglomerate for a reason; the fluidity inherent in the term allows it to be whatever it needs to be and can come partially or fully formed.
Fully formed, it looks like Sami Zayn and Antonio Cesaro. It doesn't matter if they're on the mic or in the ring, when diehards try to imagine a platonic ideal either man's C.V. individually or them against each other seems to be a more than justifiable answer. The latter brought a crutchless Sami down to the ring, hoping for another chance to get at Cesaro, and not knowing where the road would end would've been something that'd lean any well-thought person in Sami's corner out of empathy. A great band once asked whatever happened to last season's losers of the year, and in Zayn's case it was obsessing over losing the best of 3 falls MOTYC to Cesaro last summer. Antonio came out to helpfully explain he was driving himself cuckoo for children's cereal since the Swiss Superman was better all along, and further elucidated by saying "You will have a great career...down here."
oh
no
he
did
not!
Oh, who're we kiddding. It's Antonio Cesaro. Of course he did. Hell, Cesaro's so Cesaro right afterwards when Sami mentioned what a talent he was and how he was all over the main shows and didn't need to waste his time down Full Sail way but still came in, the crowd applauded for the former United States Champion twice. So Cesaro tried a different tack: trying to get Zayn to admit he was still injured, and when that didn't work, to make him swear a sort of verbal hold harmless for any injuries occured. Plucky babyface as ever, Sami was ready for the handshake and then the crowd got involved with a "pinky promise" chant. So Zayn immediately modified his offer down four fingers to a pop, and Cesaro's face...well, you see it there. But Cesaro mulled it over...then still decided he'd rather not and kicked the injured leg before throwing his mic and hitting the downed president of the El Generico Fan Club.
It was a master class in Cheneydom, and he would've gotten away with it, too--if it wasn't for that meddling Triple H. Even the rarefied air of the Performance Center turns Triple H into his own perfect post-wrestling ideal. More to the point, he sees what even Stevie Wonder could see in Cesaro/Zayn IV: straight cash, homey. And with that executive order, the card known now as ArRIVAL (cringe) has what almost certainly will turn out to be its best match and the sort of bar every other match Stamford puts on in 2014 will try to surpass. If there were only some sort of network you could watch this on!
But this wasn't merely a show that had one saving grace in a segment that could be taught in Wrestling 101, au contraire mon frere. (Did I throw that sentence in just because Aiden English outsmarted Colin Cassidy for his second Director's Cut-boosted victory in a row? I didn't originally think so...) It kicked off with an above-average trios match featuring Alicia Fox teaming up with the original BFFs against -- well, let's forget EmBayKat since it looks clunky and call Nattie, Emma and Bayley by their names. Most squee inducing for me and all fellow awesomely-minded people, the Young Regality ship was in Full Sail and love was in the air. Next time Renee Young in the opening minute of the program uses Regal's old opening flirt against him before mentioning she choo choo chooses him for Valentine's Day? Whatever the awesome version of a trigger alert is, that's what is needed in BCBville. The direct quote from the notes? [TEARS FORM IN MY EYES HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR?!]
Completely justified, and those who disagree should get their genitals mashed down into a fine powder as to keep them from breeding, much obliged. As for the match, there were two stories being told, one from the booth and one in the ring. The former was Alicia, last week's EmmaLock victim, was looking for an alliance with the Mean Girls, and said Plastics wanted absolutely no part of the NattieKat's claws. Once Bayley got in, despite a couple of big flurries and the last of the famous international playboys being so proud of her evolution from starstruck wholly to still getting it done betwixt the ropes, the devious trio had their way with Bay.
Yes, there was another Young Regality exchange that had me going for the fainting chair (note to awesome attractive women for 2015: ask men out for Valentine's Day and you, too, will get to do whatever you want for it) while Summer took schadenfreude in exponentium in finding ways to cheat while cutting Bayley off from saving herself. It even got a little spotlight on Alicia's Best Northern Lights on the Business while Regal mentioned she was his favorite Divas from a pure talent standpoint. But when Emma came in and times looked rough, they left Fox high, dry, and the latest episode of what should be the WWE Network's flagship program Emma Torques While She Makes Alicia Tap To The EmmaLock was in the books.
Throw in CJ Parker saying to hell with the fans since they said to hell with him and a special guest appearance from the Wyatt Family in the main event squash in a quickly sketched ceremonial bow with a MURDERDISCUSKILL lariat present brought by Luke Harper since they've never forgotten where they're from and NXT has and always will be their home, and the final place settings going into the last pre-Network show were all on the table.
Now it's just a matter of time of biting fingernails and waiting for the 27th.
Fully formed, it looks like Sami Zayn and Antonio Cesaro. It doesn't matter if they're on the mic or in the ring, when diehards try to imagine a platonic ideal either man's C.V. individually or them against each other seems to be a more than justifiable answer. The latter brought a crutchless Sami down to the ring, hoping for another chance to get at Cesaro, and not knowing where the road would end would've been something that'd lean any well-thought person in Sami's corner out of empathy. A great band once asked whatever happened to last season's losers of the year, and in Zayn's case it was obsessing over losing the best of 3 falls MOTYC to Cesaro last summer. Antonio came out to helpfully explain he was driving himself cuckoo for children's cereal since the Swiss Superman was better all along, and further elucidated by saying "You will have a great career...down here."
oh
no
he
did
not!
Oh, who're we kiddding. It's Antonio Cesaro. Of course he did. Hell, Cesaro's so Cesaro right afterwards when Sami mentioned what a talent he was and how he was all over the main shows and didn't need to waste his time down Full Sail way but still came in, the crowd applauded for the former United States Champion twice. So Cesaro tried a different tack: trying to get Zayn to admit he was still injured, and when that didn't work, to make him swear a sort of verbal hold harmless for any injuries occured. Plucky babyface as ever, Sami was ready for the handshake and then the crowd got involved with a "pinky promise" chant. So Zayn immediately modified his offer down four fingers to a pop, and Cesaro's face...well, you see it there. But Cesaro mulled it over...then still decided he'd rather not and kicked the injured leg before throwing his mic and hitting the downed president of the El Generico Fan Club.
It was a master class in Cheneydom, and he would've gotten away with it, too--if it wasn't for that meddling Triple H. Even the rarefied air of the Performance Center turns Triple H into his own perfect post-wrestling ideal. More to the point, he sees what even Stevie Wonder could see in Cesaro/Zayn IV: straight cash, homey. And with that executive order, the card known now as ArRIVAL (cringe) has what almost certainly will turn out to be its best match and the sort of bar every other match Stamford puts on in 2014 will try to surpass. If there were only some sort of network you could watch this on!
But this wasn't merely a show that had one saving grace in a segment that could be taught in Wrestling 101, au contraire mon frere. (Did I throw that sentence in just because Aiden English outsmarted Colin Cassidy for his second Director's Cut-boosted victory in a row? I didn't originally think so...) It kicked off with an above-average trios match featuring Alicia Fox teaming up with the original BFFs against -- well, let's forget EmBayKat since it looks clunky and call Nattie, Emma and Bayley by their names. Most squee inducing for me and all fellow awesomely-minded people, the Young Regality ship was in Full Sail and love was in the air. Next time Renee Young in the opening minute of the program uses Regal's old opening flirt against him before mentioning she choo choo chooses him for Valentine's Day? Whatever the awesome version of a trigger alert is, that's what is needed in BCBville. The direct quote from the notes? [TEARS FORM IN MY EYES HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR?!]
Completely justified, and those who disagree should get their genitals mashed down into a fine powder as to keep them from breeding, much obliged. As for the match, there were two stories being told, one from the booth and one in the ring. The former was Alicia, last week's EmmaLock victim, was looking for an alliance with the Mean Girls, and said Plastics wanted absolutely no part of the NattieKat's claws. Once Bayley got in, despite a couple of big flurries and the last of the famous international playboys being so proud of her evolution from starstruck wholly to still getting it done betwixt the ropes, the devious trio had their way with Bay.
Yes, there was another Young Regality exchange that had me going for the fainting chair (note to awesome attractive women for 2015: ask men out for Valentine's Day and you, too, will get to do whatever you want for it) while Summer took schadenfreude in exponentium in finding ways to cheat while cutting Bayley off from saving herself. It even got a little spotlight on Alicia's Best Northern Lights on the Business while Regal mentioned she was his favorite Divas from a pure talent standpoint. But when Emma came in and times looked rough, they left Fox high, dry, and the latest episode of what should be the WWE Network's flagship program Emma Torques While She Makes Alicia Tap To The EmmaLock was in the books.
Throw in CJ Parker saying to hell with the fans since they said to hell with him and a special guest appearance from the Wyatt Family in the main event squash in a quickly sketched ceremonial bow with a MURDERDISCUSKILL lariat present brought by Luke Harper since they've never forgotten where they're from and NXT has and always will be their home, and the final place settings going into the last pre-Network show were all on the table.
Now it's just a matter of time of biting fingernails and waiting for the 27th.
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Any Shows This Weekend? The Alternatives to Elimination Chamber
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| This rematch is going down this weekend and more! Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
Hark! The weekend has arrived once more, and with the end of the workweek comes the prospect of WRESTLING SHOWS out the wazoo for me and for you! Sorry for the rhyming there, but wrestling stokes my creative flames. Anyway, Elimination Chamber is Sunday, but for those who want something more than what the mainstream offers, or who want something to watch on days other than Sunday, the world of independent wrestling offers a whole bunch of action on all three days of this week ending slate. I'm going to give the once-over to the biggest shows of the frame, but if you don't see a show in your area going on down below, check out Pro Wrestling Events for your hookup.
FRIDAY
Ring of Honor's 12th Anniversary Show kicks off the big shows this weekend at the National Guard Armory in Philadelphia, PA. The bell time is 8 PM local time, and the show will be available for purchase video-on-demand style shortly thereafter. Only four matches have been announced thus far, but they're all doozies. The main event will pit Chris Hero against Adam Cole for the ROH World Championship. Hero made his ceremonious return to the company at Final Battle, coming to the aid of Michael Elgin after Cole and Matt Hardy put the boots to him after the main event there. Will Hero be able to take the title that has eluded him for so long? Speaking of Elgin and Hardy, they will face off in a grudge match. AJ Styles will try not to break anyone's neck on his latest appearance as he battles Jay Lethal. Tommaso Ciampa will also defend his Television Championship against the winner of the Top Prospect Tournament, Hanson. Also scheduled to appear are Jay Briscoe and Kevin Steen.
Elite Canadian Championship Wrestling asks "Who's the Man?" at Elk's Hall in Port Coquitlam, BC. Doors open at 7:30 PM, local time. The main event pits the Canadian Champion, Nelson Creed, against Pete Powers. "Ravenous" Randy Myers will put his ECCW Championship up for grabs in an open challenge. Also appearing at the show will be Artemis Spencer and Tony Baroni.
Fighting Spirit Wrestling will be presenting Heartbreak Warfare at the FSW Arena in Brooklyn, NY at 7 PM. Among the names appearing on the show are AR Fox, Trent?, and the Greek God Papadon.
SATURDAY
Wrestling Is Fun!'s show this weekend will be at the Goodwill Beneficial Association in Reading, PA. The doors for Man of Peel will open at 6:30 PM, local time. The main event pits Amasis against the Estonian Thunder Frog for the former's prestigious Banana Championship. Amasis has held the Power of Potassium for nearly nine months, but the Thunder Frog has a new hammer and an energized focus. Jervis Cottonbelly will throw hands at the brutish Oleg the Usurper in a grudge match. Cottonbelly, in the most gentlemanly manner possible, threw down at National Pro Wrestling Day for Chikara against forces of evil that contained Oleg. Now, he'll get the chance to exact some more revenge one-on-one. Also on the docket pertaining to the fallout from NPWD, the Spectral Envoy will tangle with the Colony X-Treme Force, while the Batiri will take on the Wrecking Crew, both matches done trios style.
In a rematch from the contest that was interrupted by the invading forces of evil at NPWD, Heidi Lovelace will get a chance to finish what she started against Joe Pittman. Their classmate at the School of Roc Tripp Cassidy will go one on one with Eric Corvis, while the Throwbacks will be in tag action against the two surviving members of the Bloc Party, the Proletariat Boar of Moldova and Mr. Azerbaijan. Finally, the Lithuanian Snow Troll will clash with Juan Francisco de Coronado.
ROH will continue their two-day residency at the National Guard Armory in Philadelphia with hashtag Honorcon in the afternoon, at 1 PM local to be specific, which will be a free-admission fan fest where wrestlers will partake in a variety of events. Scheduled are an arm wrestling tournament, a Q and A panel, autograph booths, fan photos with the entrance, and selected wrestling matches which have not been announced yet. Also, ROH will make a "very special announcement." Then, at 7 PM local, the doors will reopen for a round of television tapings. Only one match has been announced thus far, but it is a whopper. AJ Styles will battle Michael Elgin in a dream match of sorts. I would imagine most if not all of the wrestlers who competed the night before will also be there.
International Wrestling Cartel ushers in A New Era at the Court Time Sports Center in Elizabeth, PA at 7:30 PM. Dalton Castle will defend his IWC Championship against an opponent to be determined in a battle royale that will take place earlier in the show. Among participants in said battle royale are Asylum, Façade, Colin Delaney, former Champion John McChesney, Ethan Page, Gregory Iron, Chest Flexor, and Big LG (the former Luke Gallows). Al Snow will also make an appearance.
Pro Wrestling Syndicate will go live from the Edison Hotel in Woodbridge, NJ, starting at 6 PM local time with an autograph session. Colt Cabana will clash with Chris Hero in a match billed as not being able to be seen anywhere else. Bret Hart will also make a special in-ring appearance. Also billed for the show are Alex Reynolds, Shynron, Dan Maff, Angelina Love, The Blue Meanie, Devon Moore, Mickie James, and the incomparable Starman.
Dragon Gate USA presents Revolt! 2014 at the Queensboro Elks Lounge in Elmshurst, NY at 8 PM local. The event will be live-to-video on demand on WWN Live, meaning it can be ordered shortly after it takes place. Johnny Gargano will defend his Open the Freedom Gate Championship against Trent?, who is a last minute replacement for CIMA, who will miss the trip due to injuries. The Open the Unified Gate Champions, the Bravado Bros., will defend their titles against Chuck Taylor and Orange Cassidy of the Gentlemen's Club. The third member of the Club, Drew Gulak, goes one on one against AR Fox, while Ivelisse Velez takes on Su Yung in a SHINE showcase match. Rich Swann will take on Anthony Nese in a grudge match. Also appearing on the show will be Shane Strickland, Jigsaw, Tim Donst, and Caleb Konley.
Doors open at 22 Austin Avenue in Rossvile, GA for Empire Pro Wrestling Action at 7 PM local time. Kyle Matthews, Johnny Viper, and Tank are among the wrestlers scheduled to appear at this show.
Anarchy Wrestling is back for another show at the Anarchy Arena in Cornelia, GA for a bell time of 8 PM. The main event will be a tag match pitting Geter and Se7en against Iceberg and Mikael Judas. Also scheduled to appear on this show are the Washington Bullets, Shaun Tempers, Mike Posey, and Stryknyn.
NWA Houston invades VFW Post 8905 in Cypress, TX at 7:30 PM local time. The main event pits Lone Star Champion Byron Wilcott against Jax Dane. Also on the show are Ken Carson, Barbi Hayden, and "One Man" Mike Dell.
Monster Factory Pro Wrestling will be live from their school in Paulsboro, NJ, doors opening at 7 PM. Appearing on this card will be Grizzly Redwood, QT Marshall, and Cliff Compton.
SUNDAY
Anarchy Championship Wrestling will continue their monthly tradition of going head to head with WWE pay-per-views by presenting An Absence of Law at the Mohawk in Austin, TX. Doors open at 5:15 PM local time. The main attraction on this show is a dream match between ACW Tag Team Champion Paul London and former World Hardcore Champion Masada. The Anarchy Championship will be on the line as Champ Shawn Vexx puts his strap against the Lone Star Classic winner Davey Vega of the Submission Squad. His stablemate Evan Gelistico will go up against the Heaviest Sumo in the Land, Jojo Bravo, while London's coholder of the Tag Team Championships, Jack Jameson, draws Scot Summers in another first-time ever encounter.
SMASH Wrestling will be flying into the Danger Zone at the 227 Lounge in Ebiticoke, ON at 4 PM local time. Mickie James will make her SMASH debut as she dives headlong into a three-way match against Xandra Bale and Vanessa Kraven. Tyson Dux goes up against Pepper Parks, while Jay Lethal, Matt Cross' Beard, and the Super Smash Bros. are also scheduled to appear.
DGUSA is back Sunday with Way of the Ronin 2014, live on Internet pay-per-view at 7 PM Eastern Standard Time through WWN Live. If you're going live, head to the Brooklyn Lyceum in Brooklyn, NY. The main event will pit whoever is the Open the Freedom Gate Champion – Johnny Gargano or Trent? – against Roderick Strong. AR Fox will put his EVOLVE Championship on the line against Chris Hero. Fire Ant and Jigsaw will clash in a grudge match. Also scheduled to appear on the show are Ivelisse Velez, the Bravado Bros., Chuck Taylor, Shane Strickland, Caleb Konley, Tim Donst, and Rich Swann.
Doors open at the Binghamton American Legion at 3 PM local for Xcite Wrestling's 2nd Anniversary Show. The main event will feature IB Green defending his XCite Championship against Joe Gacy and Steve Corino in a three-way match. Luke Gallows, DJ Hyde, and Sozio are also scheduled to appear.
Championship Wrestling from Hollywood will have another round of television tapings at the Oceanview Pavilion in Port Hueneme, CA. Doors open at 3 PM local time, and Willie Mack, Joey Ryan, PPRay, Adam Pearce, and Shelly Martinez are all scheduled to appear.
The Grace King Auditorium will play host to the latest WildKat Sports event. The venue is in Metairie, LA, and the doors will open at 5 PM local time. WildKat Champion "One Man" Mike Dell and Luke Hawx will be in attendance.
As you can see, no dearth of wrestling exists this weekend. If you want to go see a show, odds are, you can go see one. But you have to get out there to watch. Wrestling can only grow if you help support it. Besides, your favorite wrestler or company may already be out there. You just don't know it yet.
FRIDAY
Ring of Honor's 12th Anniversary Show kicks off the big shows this weekend at the National Guard Armory in Philadelphia, PA. The bell time is 8 PM local time, and the show will be available for purchase video-on-demand style shortly thereafter. Only four matches have been announced thus far, but they're all doozies. The main event will pit Chris Hero against Adam Cole for the ROH World Championship. Hero made his ceremonious return to the company at Final Battle, coming to the aid of Michael Elgin after Cole and Matt Hardy put the boots to him after the main event there. Will Hero be able to take the title that has eluded him for so long? Speaking of Elgin and Hardy, they will face off in a grudge match. AJ Styles will try not to break anyone's neck on his latest appearance as he battles Jay Lethal. Tommaso Ciampa will also defend his Television Championship against the winner of the Top Prospect Tournament, Hanson. Also scheduled to appear are Jay Briscoe and Kevin Steen.
Elite Canadian Championship Wrestling asks "Who's the Man?" at Elk's Hall in Port Coquitlam, BC. Doors open at 7:30 PM, local time. The main event pits the Canadian Champion, Nelson Creed, against Pete Powers. "Ravenous" Randy Myers will put his ECCW Championship up for grabs in an open challenge. Also appearing at the show will be Artemis Spencer and Tony Baroni.
Fighting Spirit Wrestling will be presenting Heartbreak Warfare at the FSW Arena in Brooklyn, NY at 7 PM. Among the names appearing on the show are AR Fox, Trent?, and the Greek God Papadon.
SATURDAY
Wrestling Is Fun!'s show this weekend will be at the Goodwill Beneficial Association in Reading, PA. The doors for Man of Peel will open at 6:30 PM, local time. The main event pits Amasis against the Estonian Thunder Frog for the former's prestigious Banana Championship. Amasis has held the Power of Potassium for nearly nine months, but the Thunder Frog has a new hammer and an energized focus. Jervis Cottonbelly will throw hands at the brutish Oleg the Usurper in a grudge match. Cottonbelly, in the most gentlemanly manner possible, threw down at National Pro Wrestling Day for Chikara against forces of evil that contained Oleg. Now, he'll get the chance to exact some more revenge one-on-one. Also on the docket pertaining to the fallout from NPWD, the Spectral Envoy will tangle with the Colony X-Treme Force, while the Batiri will take on the Wrecking Crew, both matches done trios style.
In a rematch from the contest that was interrupted by the invading forces of evil at NPWD, Heidi Lovelace will get a chance to finish what she started against Joe Pittman. Their classmate at the School of Roc Tripp Cassidy will go one on one with Eric Corvis, while the Throwbacks will be in tag action against the two surviving members of the Bloc Party, the Proletariat Boar of Moldova and Mr. Azerbaijan. Finally, the Lithuanian Snow Troll will clash with Juan Francisco de Coronado.
ROH will continue their two-day residency at the National Guard Armory in Philadelphia with hashtag Honorcon in the afternoon, at 1 PM local to be specific, which will be a free-admission fan fest where wrestlers will partake in a variety of events. Scheduled are an arm wrestling tournament, a Q and A panel, autograph booths, fan photos with the entrance, and selected wrestling matches which have not been announced yet. Also, ROH will make a "very special announcement." Then, at 7 PM local, the doors will reopen for a round of television tapings. Only one match has been announced thus far, but it is a whopper. AJ Styles will battle Michael Elgin in a dream match of sorts. I would imagine most if not all of the wrestlers who competed the night before will also be there.
International Wrestling Cartel ushers in A New Era at the Court Time Sports Center in Elizabeth, PA at 7:30 PM. Dalton Castle will defend his IWC Championship against an opponent to be determined in a battle royale that will take place earlier in the show. Among participants in said battle royale are Asylum, Façade, Colin Delaney, former Champion John McChesney, Ethan Page, Gregory Iron, Chest Flexor, and Big LG (the former Luke Gallows). Al Snow will also make an appearance.
Pro Wrestling Syndicate will go live from the Edison Hotel in Woodbridge, NJ, starting at 6 PM local time with an autograph session. Colt Cabana will clash with Chris Hero in a match billed as not being able to be seen anywhere else. Bret Hart will also make a special in-ring appearance. Also billed for the show are Alex Reynolds, Shynron, Dan Maff, Angelina Love, The Blue Meanie, Devon Moore, Mickie James, and the incomparable Starman.
Dragon Gate USA presents Revolt! 2014 at the Queensboro Elks Lounge in Elmshurst, NY at 8 PM local. The event will be live-to-video on demand on WWN Live, meaning it can be ordered shortly after it takes place. Johnny Gargano will defend his Open the Freedom Gate Championship against Trent?, who is a last minute replacement for CIMA, who will miss the trip due to injuries. The Open the Unified Gate Champions, the Bravado Bros., will defend their titles against Chuck Taylor and Orange Cassidy of the Gentlemen's Club. The third member of the Club, Drew Gulak, goes one on one against AR Fox, while Ivelisse Velez takes on Su Yung in a SHINE showcase match. Rich Swann will take on Anthony Nese in a grudge match. Also appearing on the show will be Shane Strickland, Jigsaw, Tim Donst, and Caleb Konley.
Doors open at 22 Austin Avenue in Rossvile, GA for Empire Pro Wrestling Action at 7 PM local time. Kyle Matthews, Johnny Viper, and Tank are among the wrestlers scheduled to appear at this show.
Anarchy Wrestling is back for another show at the Anarchy Arena in Cornelia, GA for a bell time of 8 PM. The main event will be a tag match pitting Geter and Se7en against Iceberg and Mikael Judas. Also scheduled to appear on this show are the Washington Bullets, Shaun Tempers, Mike Posey, and Stryknyn.
NWA Houston invades VFW Post 8905 in Cypress, TX at 7:30 PM local time. The main event pits Lone Star Champion Byron Wilcott against Jax Dane. Also on the show are Ken Carson, Barbi Hayden, and "One Man" Mike Dell.
Monster Factory Pro Wrestling will be live from their school in Paulsboro, NJ, doors opening at 7 PM. Appearing on this card will be Grizzly Redwood, QT Marshall, and Cliff Compton.
SUNDAY
Anarchy Championship Wrestling will continue their monthly tradition of going head to head with WWE pay-per-views by presenting An Absence of Law at the Mohawk in Austin, TX. Doors open at 5:15 PM local time. The main attraction on this show is a dream match between ACW Tag Team Champion Paul London and former World Hardcore Champion Masada. The Anarchy Championship will be on the line as Champ Shawn Vexx puts his strap against the Lone Star Classic winner Davey Vega of the Submission Squad. His stablemate Evan Gelistico will go up against the Heaviest Sumo in the Land, Jojo Bravo, while London's coholder of the Tag Team Championships, Jack Jameson, draws Scot Summers in another first-time ever encounter.
SMASH Wrestling will be flying into the Danger Zone at the 227 Lounge in Ebiticoke, ON at 4 PM local time. Mickie James will make her SMASH debut as she dives headlong into a three-way match against Xandra Bale and Vanessa Kraven. Tyson Dux goes up against Pepper Parks, while Jay Lethal, Matt Cross' Beard, and the Super Smash Bros. are also scheduled to appear.
DGUSA is back Sunday with Way of the Ronin 2014, live on Internet pay-per-view at 7 PM Eastern Standard Time through WWN Live. If you're going live, head to the Brooklyn Lyceum in Brooklyn, NY. The main event will pit whoever is the Open the Freedom Gate Champion – Johnny Gargano or Trent? – against Roderick Strong. AR Fox will put his EVOLVE Championship on the line against Chris Hero. Fire Ant and Jigsaw will clash in a grudge match. Also scheduled to appear on the show are Ivelisse Velez, the Bravado Bros., Chuck Taylor, Shane Strickland, Caleb Konley, Tim Donst, and Rich Swann.
Doors open at the Binghamton American Legion at 3 PM local for Xcite Wrestling's 2nd Anniversary Show. The main event will feature IB Green defending his XCite Championship against Joe Gacy and Steve Corino in a three-way match. Luke Gallows, DJ Hyde, and Sozio are also scheduled to appear.
Championship Wrestling from Hollywood will have another round of television tapings at the Oceanview Pavilion in Port Hueneme, CA. Doors open at 3 PM local time, and Willie Mack, Joey Ryan, PPRay, Adam Pearce, and Shelly Martinez are all scheduled to appear.
The Grace King Auditorium will play host to the latest WildKat Sports event. The venue is in Metairie, LA, and the doors will open at 5 PM local time. WildKat Champion "One Man" Mike Dell and Luke Hawx will be in attendance.
As you can see, no dearth of wrestling exists this weekend. If you want to go see a show, odds are, you can go see one. But you have to get out there to watch. Wrestling can only grow if you help support it. Besides, your favorite wrestler or company may already be out there. You just don't know it yet.
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Going Out with a Bang: WWE Elimination Chamber 2014 Review
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| And that's the last anyone ever saw of Dean Ambrose Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Highlights:
- In the pre-show match, the Rhodes Boys beat Rybaxel when Cody Rhodes reversed a neckbreaker into CrossRhodes on Curtis Axel.
- Big E Langston retained the Intercontinental Championship with a Big Ending on Jack Swagger.
- The New Age Outlaws retained the WWE Tag Team Championships as Billy Gunn rolled up Jimmy Uso with a handful of tights.
- Titus O'Neil downed Darren Young with the Clash of the Titus rydeen bomb.
- After Bray Wyatt dragged Dean Ambrose somewhere out of the arena and Luke Harper and Erick Rowan put Seth Rollins through the Spanish Announce Table, the Wyatt Family descended on Roman Reigns, finishing him with a Sister Abigail's Kiss for the win.
- AJ Lee retained the Divas Championship though disqualification loss when Tamina Snuka gave Cameron a lariat on the outside.
- Batista defeated Alberto del Rio with the Batista Bomb.
- In the Elimination Chamber match, Randy Orton retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, last eliminating Daniel Bryan with a RKO and some help from Kane.
General Observations:
- Miz had to work the day after his wedding? Tha's cold, WWE. Tha's real cold.
- I could hear Jerry Lawler's shirt all the way from Philadelphia, by the way.
- At first, I thought Larry "The Axe" Hennig was a fake Dusty Rhodes, due to my unfamiliarity with the AWA and not being able to pick the Perfect Father out of a lineup without assistance.
- Michael Cole talked about how Ryback tweeted that he had the "biggest traps" in WWE, and JBL replied loudly and obnoxiously "MAYBE HE SHOULD CHECK WITH SID AND HULK HOGAN, MAGGLE, HE DOESN'T HAVE THE BIGGEST TRAPS." And with that statement, JBL encapsulated why he's an awful color commentator. All he did was loudly refute Ryback like he was some kind of nobody while name-checking old dudes he was friends with. JBL is the fucking dying gasp of the AWA in commentary form.
- Honestly, I think it's awesome how Cody Rhodes has turned into such a graceful high spot dude. His diving plancha to the floor was streets ahead of more than a few indie guys I've seen do that on a regular basis.
- Ryback's delayed vertical suplex was tight, yo.
- I was glad to see the Rhodes Boys win, if only because I hope it means they'll stay together for longer than a Mania match. I still think their best time to wrestle will be at Mania XXXI, not this year.
- "It's over.">>>> "Suck it."
- Zeb Colter came out, claimed the "E" in "Big E" was for "enough," and blamed the polar vortex on illegal immigration. If the man's gonna commit to a vile racist character, I'm glad he keeps thinking of ways for it to surge over the top.
- An audible "We Want Ziggler" chat sprang up early in this match, which I thought was a bit unfair. Big E Langston and Jack Swagger at least seem fresh enough.
- Langston took the signature Ziggler-shoulder-to-the-ringpost bump, tackled Swagger to the floor and went with him, and finished it all off with an enzugiri before hitting the Big Ending. He has to have a luchador inside him, waiting to break out.
- Bad News Barrett made an appearance right after the match, lauding the Russians' gold medal count and claiming it as proof that Europe will always be dominant in sports. First off, he got my hopes up because I thought he was teasing a Vladimir Kozlov comeback. Second, a guy from one country praising another for its success? Europeans are more like SEC football fans than I thought!
- I don't care what anyone says. I'm excited for Hulk Hogan being back as long as he doesn't get into the ring to wrestle. WWE already tried that experiment with Bret Hart. It wasn't pretty.
- Billy Gunn took a drop toehold from Jimmy Uso and inexplicably bumped on it. I dunno if he was trying to hard or if he was just too clumsy to do anything but smack his face on the canvas.
- Road Dogg tried to headbutt Jey Uso, but Uso just absorbed it and started dancing before womping on the Middle Aged Outlaw. Love that nod to wrestling history, even if it has slightly racist roots.
- The Tag Title match was completely watchable, and all of it was due to the fact that the Usos appeared to work their asses off in it to cover for the flubs and loss of steps that the Outlaws had. Maybe that was just my inner hater talking, but man, did the Outlaws look janky as hell here.
- Darren Young sported a NOH8 hoodie to the ring.
- HOLY SHIT, Young took a pretty dangerous top-rope-to-the-floor bump for Titus O'Neil here. Young looked like he did his best to make up for O'Neil still moving around like he eternally has shit lodged in his ass. I'll give O'Neil credit here though, he does look somewhat improved from his early PTP days.
- Young broke out a Rude Awakening on the apron, confirming that he probably watches at least a little bit of Pro Wrestling Guerrilla.
- Haha, The Shield/Wyatt Family match got pre-emptive "This is awesome!" and dueling support chants before they even locked up.
- Bray Wyatt started taunting The Shield, and in true loose cannon fashion, Dean Ambrose leaped on him like a dog cornering a piece of steak. Talk about setting a tone.
- The Shield had Luke Harper in the corner. He tried to escape, but Rollins yanked him back in by his dirty-ass muscle-tee. Crafty!
- Wyatt screamed into The Shield's corner "IS THIS THE WAR YOU WANTED?" The crowd vociferously assented to the question, for what it was worth.
- The crowd also chanted for tables, and for once, that seemingly throwaway chant was completely warranted.
- One point right before the finishing sequence saw Ambrose go like the Tasmanian Devil from the old Looney Tunes cartoons on Wyatt, successive planchas by Harper and Rollins, while Roman Reigns sneaked in a rollup on Erick Rowan in the ring. I have no idea how I kept my head during that sequence.
- HOLY SHIT, WYATT AND AMBROSE JUST BRAWLED ALL THE WAY TO THE CONCOURSE! At that time, I thought both guys would eventually make their way back, but alas, only one would come back unscathed. Poor Dean.
- Rowan and Harper got up with Rollins on the English Announce Table and double-chokeslammed him into the Spanish one. I started to get a distinct flashback vibe at that point...
- Reigns may have lost, but the dude died a warrior's death. He is one of a bunch of guys I can see headlining WrestleMania.
- Christian backstage got snippy with fellow Canadian Renee Young. I thought you hosers were supposed to be all euphoric after you took home BOTH hockey gold medals at the Olympics.
- Cameron is not a good wrestler. She was too much for AJ Lee to handle, but I don't blame either one of them. If Cameron got to wrestle in meaningful matches that weren't laid out like typical fucking Divas trash, she'd get better. If Lee got to wrestle the kind of matches she was able to work agianst Kaitlyn on Main Event or Bayley in NXT, she'd be able to handle greener or worse competition. WWE just doesn't fucking get it, and I wonder if they ever will before Vince McMahon croaks.
- Alberto del Rio came out for his match with Batista in a neckbrace and crutch and ended up snookering him with the fake injury angle. He should've gone all the way and stabbed him with the jagged edge of a theoretically broken crutch.
- Sheamus and Antonio Cesaro started out the Elimination Chamber match. HOSS HEAVEN!
- Cesaro had Sheamus in the corner right in front of John Cena's pod, and he did the "YOU CAN'T SEE ME" taunt. Brilliant.
- Cesaro and Sheamus spent so much time exchanging European uppercuts that afterwards, I thought Daniel Bryan and Cesaro would offer him Dave Taylor's old spot in Team Uppercut.
- Speaking of Bryan, he was the first out of his pod, immediately cleaned house, and culminated his first run by locking Sheamus into an Indian deathlock then simultaneously hitting Cesaro with a Northern Lights suplex. I didn't think that spot could be topped, by the by. Just keep that in your back pocket.
- Cesaro must be stronger than he lets on, because he sent Bryan right through the UNBREAKABLE LEXAN back into his pod.
- Christian was fourth in the match and came in like a house on fire, a Canadian house that was politely burning down, if you will. He tossed Sheamus off the top and started relentlessly clawing and pawing at Bryan's injured shoulder.
- Christian tried the Killswitch, but Cesaro turned him around and tossed him onto the cage. Christian grabbed a hold of it and leaped onto Cesaro, who countered him into powerbomb position threw him through another LEXAN pod. Beginning to think that this LEXAN might not be as sturdy as they hyped it up to be, guys.
- Cena was the fifth guy in, and no one had gotten eliminated to that point. Five guys in the Chamber, and all of them took turns beating the shit out of each other. It was my kind of chaos.
- I will never get tired seeing Cesaro give Cena the Swiss Death.
- Everyone was down on the mat when Orton got in. He picked the bones and then posed in the middle of the ring, because he is the best pure character WWE has right now. Then, everyone got up and bore down on Orton. He got back into his pod, which made Sheamus so mad that he Brogue Kicked the LEXAN down. Three out of four pods by this point have been destroyed.
- GIANT SWING ON ORTON! THIRTY ROTATIONS! CESARO IS A FUCKING MACHINE!
- Not to be outdone by his Team Uppercut teammate, Bryan broke out the fucking Chaos Theory, aka Doug Williams' signature O'Connor Roll into a German suplex, on Cesaro.
- Sheamus was the first to be eliminated by... CHRISTIAN?!?!?! He hit the Celtic Warrior with a flying body press off the top of one of the pods. It looked a bit wobbly, but with the extra height, it was to be expected.
- Christian ate a busaiku knee shortly after by Bryan to get eliminated.
- Remember way back when Bryan hit Cesaro with the Northern Lights while he had Sheamus in the deathlock? Cesaro topped that by German suplexing Cena while Cena had Bryan in the fireman's carry position. By that point in the match, I was ready to smoke a pack of cigarettes.
- Cesaro tapped to the STF, but only after Cena put him through the last LEXAN pod with the Attitude Adjustment. Man, WWE has made him in the last two weeks, but that poor Chamber. I guess WWE has to look for something stronger than LEXAN going forward.
- Cena was just about ready to lock the STF on Orton when the lights went out and the Wyatts appeared. Bryan attacked them first because storyline continuity is important, but they shoved him aside and descended on Cena. After Orton pinned the ravaged Franchise and the Wyatts descended from the Chamber under the orders of Kane, the crowd chanted "THANK YOU WYATTS!"
- Bryan took his opportunity to attack Kane, which certainly couldn't end up biting him in the ass, could it?
- Bryan took the first RKO, and I thought the match was over, but he... KICKED OUT. The RKO has arguably been the most protected finisher in WWE outside of Big Show's KO punch, and Bryan kicked out of it.
- After the final Kane screwjob and second RKO, Bryan knelt dejected in the ring as Cole recounted his entire sad, maltreated history since SummerSlam. I wonder if that means RAW will have shenanigans? Naaaaahhh....
They came out of the gates in utter perfection, staring each other down and jawing until Ambrose, the livest wire of either group, decided he was going to do his best Warner Bros. Tasmanian Devil impersonation, dunking the fray into the complete anarchy one might expect gang warfare over disputed turf might delve into. The only thing that I was surprised by was that no one thought to break out a trident. They took turns showing each other how they could isolate and eviscerate single members of either group. The first act of this match was a clinic on tag team and trios wrestling injected with the performance enhancing drug of "can you top this" escalation, puncuated with Wyatt shouting to the crowd "IS THIS THE WAR YOU WANTED?" Judging by the roaring applause, I wasn't the only one who was nodding furiously in agreement.
Then, the action started transitioning, as each member began to show their individuality. Rollins bumped like a fucking madman and answered those big shots with panache-laden high spots of his own. If he's not a nuclear, Jeff Hardyesque babyface one day, WWE will have failed him. Ambrose kept showing everyone why those Roddy Piper and Brian Pillman comparisons are apt with his short fuse, which was unusually truncated with the larger-than-normal payload behind it. Reigns was the fixer with his Superman punches and cool vampire flair. Wyatt barked the orders and set to creep with his wild eyes, while Harper and Rowan followed his orders and stalked the ring with their unholy cool demeanor, like golems towering over unsuspecting prey.
But the finishing flourish was what cemented this match as an all-timer within WWE's folklore. Ambrose had to be absent for the finish, but WWE gave him the out by having Wyatt drag him out of the camera eye (to Hell, perhaps?). Rollins took a massive bump through the Spanish Announce Table FROM the English Announce Table, while the DAMN NUMBERS GAME brought down Reigns despite his best efforts. If this match is to be The Shield's final as a three-man group, then it effectively mirrorred their debut match against Daniel Bryan, Ryback, and Kane. Ryback was Ambrose, lured away from the ring so as not to affect the finish. Kane effectively mirrored Rollins, as both were destroyed using the scenery as a weapon. And just as Bryan died a warrior's death at the hands of Reigns and Ambrose at TLC '12, Reigns was devoured whole by the entire hillbilly cult. Symmetry is a wonderful thing, folks.
Overall Thoughts: Elimination Chamber was the last show for which WWE will have charged full price to a full audience, and with that fact in mind, they gave the best possible slate they could with the cards they dealt themselves. The show was a two-match card, and both of those featured attractions overdelivered, thanks to the strong and creative performances from the 12 wrestlers tasked with fleshing their respective contests out. However, the rest of the roster came up huge in other spots as well. Jack Swagger and Big E Langston made the most of their opening chunk of time and fired the crowd up. The Usos, Darren Young, and Alberto del Rio made the most of their inferior competition and turned in watchable, if not enjoyable, performances in their respective matches. Bad News Barrett even got a few chuckles out of me tonight, and he wasn't involved in kicking over anyone's Legos.
But the two matches that I at least came to see took my inflated expectations, smashed them against the not-so-UNBREAKABLE LEXAN, and gave me such a euphoric high that I now have to rethink what I can expect from the performers on the WWE roster. Don't get it twisted; I'm not totally in love with the booking of the Chamber match itself. I am staring down the barrel of a gun of retread match between a stellar performer but with questions about adaptability against a gassed lunk who needs CGI to make him look good at this point. That match correlates to a bazooka at point blank range, by the by.
However, six wrestlers left everything they had in that Chamber, and the run-ins made absolutely perfect sense. All of them busted out at least one signature spot, if not multiple ones, and they found a way to get six guys in the ring in a non-Rumble setting at the same time and pace the action without making it feel like guys were just taking turns (even though they totally were taking shifts on action/rest sequences). Even Christian, the guy WWE is rumored not to be re-signing in two months and who gets buried on commentary by anyone not named Michael Cole, got to do a wicked body press from the top.
But I can't say enough how perfect the entire Wyatt Family/Shield match was. The opening, the meat, the crescendo, the finish... all of it was sublimely resonant, and I can't be happier. Bray Wyatt, by the by, has been in the match of the night in the last two pay-per-views; I think everyone can stop worrying about whether his ring skills will catch up to his character, but that digression is not on the menu tonight. The point is that WWE set up two heel factions against each other and was able to get a reliable story that generated crowd investment. I don't know what more I could want from a match, or even a pay-per-view.
Later on this morning, WWE will launch the Network. That venture is going to change the face of everything in wrestling, but most specfically, it is going to make pay-per-views as the public knows them now a completely different animal. Will WWE be more experimental with its slates? Will it revert back to an even more stale formula? I don't know, and I don't think I want to pretend to either. What I will say is that if Elimination Chamber was the final time I was going to sit down and go halfsies or fours or whatever with a friend or a group of friends, then WWE at least gave me a show to remember for something other than a heinous shitstorm. The final stop before the road to WrestleMania was a fantastic final note, and I for one can't wait to see what the Network brings.
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Well, That Was Quick
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| Photo via @RichardsWesley |
In the rare TNA booking move that showed prescience and savvy, the American Wolves defeated the Bro-Mans in Morgantown, WV last night to win the company's Tag Team Championships. Whether the move was made because TNA wanted to send WWE a big FU or whether the Wolves have gotten that over that quickly is irrelevant. That promotion needs to continue to make itself over and establish an identity. For better or worse, the Wolves are part of that refurbishment. Besides, this switch was one that generated a positive buzz for TNA for once instead of, I don't know, Victory Road 2011.
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Best Coast Bias: It's About Time For Their Arrival
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| But can the Champ get the last laugh next week? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
The holding pattern is over, the brave new Networkified world awaits, and thank Crom for that. Watching NXT the past few weeks must be what it's like to celebrate Lent. Just a slowly receding tide of delayed gratification until we get to Thursday and Arrival, where the singles belts will be on the line and the match that Full Sail into wider prominence a mere six months ago will finally have another chapter added to its legacy.
So let's start at the top of the food chain with the ever-smiling Champion, who made his presence known after the once and current #1 contender dispatched of Tyler Breeze. What a 180 from last week; this was the Bo Dallas we've all come to know and tolerate over his lengthy title reign that's on Day 255 and might not make 260. He allowed himself to be impressed by Neville, and even laughed at his unbolievably bad ladder of success joke. And then Neville dared him to get in a free shot, and he...relented, and left the ring. How this'll translate to a first-time viewer that you have an obstenible heel here who doesn't do anything outwardly dastardly is up in the air, but then again so was his challenger in the night's main event match.
Having cost him the first time he'd faced Bo for the belt and properly horrified that The Man That Mother Nature Forgot To Make Good Looking could dare ascend to being the face of NXT as its Champion. Looking better than he ever has in the best outfit he's ever been in and the Eddy/Shawnesque top turnbuckle hammock selfie were a good start, but there's one problem: he couldn't interfere on behalf of himself. And short of Breezeterference, the last few months of Neville's ledger have been more dub laden than Mack 10, Ice Cube, and WC. It didn't matter how nice how his dropkick was or how absolutely bone-crunching his superkick was, it came down to this: he couldn't pull off the Beauty Shot, and Neville after his usual display of aerial derring-do replete with a more aggressive style between the ropes tied a bow on the match with his signature Red Arrow. Instinctually, it feels like Bo going full Wyatt during the match is the way for him to retain the title, but that ties into another question: is Sami Zayn really going to go on the rocket straight to the main roster without so much as even getting another shot at Bo? It seems unlikely, but unlikely and impossible are two vastly different things.
For instance, it seemed impossible NXT was going to be made one of the centerpieces of the new vanguard, but here we are. It seemed unlikely that Sami Zayn and Antonio Cesaro could get into a face-to-face interview days before their fourth go round without falling into fisticuffs, and yet one little McGuffin later here were were, even if Renee wasn't for most of it. See, brawling would've led to Sami losing his shot at Cesaro and the latter losing his shot in the Chamber. A beautifully done and simple way to answer the question "If these guys hate each other so bad, why aren't they trying to maim each other right now?" in a simple barely mentioned stroke, the sort of minutae that NXT's made it's name on since it was FCW FFS. Failing to get his hands on Sami, the Boss of the World tried to goad him into making the inverse happen to waiver the match. He interrupted Sami constantly, he noted his leg may be medically cleared but that there was an ocean between that and being healthy. Most Cheneyish, he called Renee Young cute for a Canadian. Sir. Don't make me reach through the screen and injure your knuckles with my face. Fortunately, this close to closing in on his deal, the ginger Syrian cut off Cesaro and got in his face with some parting words. Do I actually have to see the match happen before it goes on the 2014 MOTYC evernote or no?
And to complete the trioka, Emma followed the Neville pattern right down to the dispatching of the most annoying rival the week before The Rilly Big Shew. With Summer Rae backed up by the rest of the BFFs and a sign-waving Bayley in Emma's corner, it seemed to be the odds were against everybody's favorite bubbly blonde. Au contraire, mon frere (which as I understand it is French for nuh-uh, honey). Emma came out of the gate busting out rollups before transitioning to the chain wrestling in which she's steeped. Summer got in her corner Keibler boot choke and locked on her signatue full nelson, but it was all to no avail. Not even Sasha helping her with a slap was enough to keep down the #1 contender to the Women's title, and when Emma sent Summer into her Gretchen Wieners which sent her into her Karen Smith, and the rest was getting Emma Locked. It went about as well for Summer as it did for NattieKat and Alicia Fox, too.
You see that thing coming up on the right? That's the fireworks factory. And while it may not be the rebirth of Chikara, you better prepare yourself for loud noises and eye dazzling. After the trip we've been on, it's about time for some stuff to get blown sky-high but good.
So let's start at the top of the food chain with the ever-smiling Champion, who made his presence known after the once and current #1 contender dispatched of Tyler Breeze. What a 180 from last week; this was the Bo Dallas we've all come to know and tolerate over his lengthy title reign that's on Day 255 and might not make 260. He allowed himself to be impressed by Neville, and even laughed at his unbolievably bad ladder of success joke. And then Neville dared him to get in a free shot, and he...relented, and left the ring. How this'll translate to a first-time viewer that you have an obstenible heel here who doesn't do anything outwardly dastardly is up in the air, but then again so was his challenger in the night's main event match.
Having cost him the first time he'd faced Bo for the belt and properly horrified that The Man That Mother Nature Forgot To Make Good Looking could dare ascend to being the face of NXT as its Champion. Looking better than he ever has in the best outfit he's ever been in and the Eddy/Shawnesque top turnbuckle hammock selfie were a good start, but there's one problem: he couldn't interfere on behalf of himself. And short of Breezeterference, the last few months of Neville's ledger have been more dub laden than Mack 10, Ice Cube, and WC. It didn't matter how nice how his dropkick was or how absolutely bone-crunching his superkick was, it came down to this: he couldn't pull off the Beauty Shot, and Neville after his usual display of aerial derring-do replete with a more aggressive style between the ropes tied a bow on the match with his signature Red Arrow. Instinctually, it feels like Bo going full Wyatt during the match is the way for him to retain the title, but that ties into another question: is Sami Zayn really going to go on the rocket straight to the main roster without so much as even getting another shot at Bo? It seems unlikely, but unlikely and impossible are two vastly different things.
For instance, it seemed impossible NXT was going to be made one of the centerpieces of the new vanguard, but here we are. It seemed unlikely that Sami Zayn and Antonio Cesaro could get into a face-to-face interview days before their fourth go round without falling into fisticuffs, and yet one little McGuffin later here were were, even if Renee wasn't for most of it. See, brawling would've led to Sami losing his shot at Cesaro and the latter losing his shot in the Chamber. A beautifully done and simple way to answer the question "If these guys hate each other so bad, why aren't they trying to maim each other right now?" in a simple barely mentioned stroke, the sort of minutae that NXT's made it's name on since it was FCW FFS. Failing to get his hands on Sami, the Boss of the World tried to goad him into making the inverse happen to waiver the match. He interrupted Sami constantly, he noted his leg may be medically cleared but that there was an ocean between that and being healthy. Most Cheneyish, he called Renee Young cute for a Canadian. Sir. Don't make me reach through the screen and injure your knuckles with my face. Fortunately, this close to closing in on his deal, the ginger Syrian cut off Cesaro and got in his face with some parting words. Do I actually have to see the match happen before it goes on the 2014 MOTYC evernote or no?
And to complete the trioka, Emma followed the Neville pattern right down to the dispatching of the most annoying rival the week before The Rilly Big Shew. With Summer Rae backed up by the rest of the BFFs and a sign-waving Bayley in Emma's corner, it seemed to be the odds were against everybody's favorite bubbly blonde. Au contraire, mon frere (which as I understand it is French for nuh-uh, honey). Emma came out of the gate busting out rollups before transitioning to the chain wrestling in which she's steeped. Summer got in her corner Keibler boot choke and locked on her signatue full nelson, but it was all to no avail. Not even Sasha helping her with a slap was enough to keep down the #1 contender to the Women's title, and when Emma sent Summer into her Gretchen Wieners which sent her into her Karen Smith, and the rest was getting Emma Locked. It went about as well for Summer as it did for NattieKat and Alicia Fox, too.
You see that thing coming up on the right? That's the fireworks factory. And while it may not be the rebirth of Chikara, you better prepare yourself for loud noises and eye dazzling. After the trip we've been on, it's about time for some stuff to get blown sky-high but good.
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