WWE Network has gone live today, so if you're one of those partaking, you won't need to scour YouTube for matches like these anymore. Of course, the first day rush to sign up has stalled out some folks from accessing, but I expect the overload to peter out over the course of the next week. The first event I'm going to watch will be Starrcade '83, the seminal first supercard of the '80s that featured the passing of the torch from Harley Race to Ric Flair. However, one of the most remembered matches has to be Greg "The Hammer" Valentine against "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in a dog collar match. The contest was renowned for its violence, which got a bit too real as it cost Piper hearing in one of his ears. Partake in this match now if you're still waiting to get access to the Network, or if you're one of the folks who can't afford to get it/refuse to give Vince McMahon your money.

Gonna miss you, Egon Photo via PDX Retro

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Harold Ramis (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Ramis passed away today at the age of 69. He was best known for his role as Egon Spengler in the Ghostbusters movies, but the man wrote and directed some of the other seminal comedies of the '80s and '90s, including Animal House and Groundhog Day. The man was a cinematic titan, and the least I can do to honor him is put him up top here today.

2. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 2) - Seriously, what more does Bryan have to do to prove that he's the best wrestler on this Earth? Well, considering that Antonio Cesaro tried to top his deathlock/Northern Lights suplex combo by German suplexing John Cena with Bryan in the Attitude Adjustment, I'd say the gauntlet's continually being thrown. But he's up for the challenge. You know it to be true.

3. AJ Lee (Last Week: 3) - I know I'm getting into objectification territory, but when she taunted Cameron with that half-a-butt-touch, the only thing I could think about was her replacing trading Tamina Snuka for Naomi. For reasons. Shut up, I can slip into my lizard brain once in awhile.

4. Jason Collins (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Collins made history by being the first openly gay athlete to play in major American team sports last night. That fact is a big deal. YUUUUGE if you weeeelllll.

5. Mark Henry (Last Week: 6) - Henry showed he has the voice and the delivery for an analyst's job. He just needs to be a bit more confident in what he has to say. He just needs to treat his phrasing like a wig that needs to be split.

6. Michael Sam (Last Week: 7) - One GOP lobbyist is trying to draft a bill banning homosexuals from the NFL. Homophobes be scared. They be rill scared.

7. Davey Vega (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He pulled the ol' fake retirement ruse at ACW last night, showing that the rubes will buy anything they're presented.

8. Homemade Spaghetti and Meatballs (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Regular pasta is great, but when you make it yourself or buy it from a reputable pasta maker fresh, it's SO FUCKING GOOD YESSSSSSSS.

9. Lemmy Kilmister (Last Week: Not Ranked) - MOTORHEAD CRUISE! MOTORHEAD CRUISE! MOTORHEAD CRUISE!

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She's pitching a show for the Network on the best gum swats by Mr. Perfect, despite the fact that she's uneasy about glorifying such a waste of chewing gum.

How long can good wrestling keep the bad storytelling at bay? Photo Credit: WWE.com

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people. -- Karl Marx

I am a wrestling fan, a hardcore one at that. One could say it is my religion, and the rites are what happen in the ring. When the wrestling is good, the ills of the trappings that surround it can seem dulled. Tonight, RAW presented at least three solid, borderline fantastic matches, giving illusion that everything was hunky-dory within the WWE Universe. Big E Langston and Antonio Cesaro hossing around the ring, Christian and Sheamus showing why they're still among the WWE's elite, and Kane working over Daniel Bryan's shoulder all would fill out a show sometime in the summer with no offense. However, that last match in the sequence was a harbinger of the sickness plaguing the company, a rot that has seized hold of the roots of WWE, one that goes by the name of the "delayed payoff."

When Bryan defeated John Cena at SummerSlam, only to be felled by a nefarious plot by Triple H and Randy Orton to consolidate power and keep the "B+" players away from the prizes the fans wanted them to claim, I resigned myself to a long haul. Bryan getting his WrestleMania moment was a pot of gold at the end of a long rainbow that would have been worth it. Of course, a victory over the big bad boss, especially one with the in-ring bona fides of Triple H would qualify as a WrestleMania moment. No doubt exists that a Bryan/Trips story would carry weight and make some sense, but would it make the most sense? Sure, that match may make some sense, but it would also represent awful storytelling on WWE's behalf.

When Shawn Michaels superkicked Bryan at Hell in a Cell, leading to Orton retaining the Championship, one of two paths were open to the company for WrestleMania. Either Bryan was to regain his holy grail and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, or he was to face his teacher and his mentor in battle. Elimination Chamber only mollified the prior endgame, especially since Michaels doesn't seem any closer to an in-ring return than he was after losing his career to Undertaker. When Kane screwed Bryan out of the title, the response should have been to put Bryan in the title match.

I don't like being the guy who puts arbitrary deadlines on stories and when they need to finish up. My guess is that if Bryan doesn't win the title at Mania, he will probably win it at Extreme Rules, but when has anyone promoed about getting to have that all-important Extreme Rules moment? When Bryan made his WWE debut on the first episode of NXT, he dreamed of being in the main event of WrestleMania in front of adoring fans chanting his name.

Technically, Bryan still COULD be in the last match. The only argument for a match more important would be Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar. WWE clearly is interested in promoting stories on their own merits rather than needing the most important story always to be orbiting tangible brass rings. However, two problems exist with applying that mindset to Bryan in this scenario. One, the story doesn't fit. Two, the belts are still the most over thing in terms of story by far, and I don't think that can be discounted when it comes to deciding what story should be the main event of the biggest card of the year.

Obviously, I'm part of the problem because I keep tuning in every week. However, like a weary member of the proletariat looking for spiritual soothing of God's grace after a hard week of work, I come running to the font of free grappling that WWE provides me every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (and sometimes Sunday). With the roster it has now, the company can pretty much put any combination of matches on television in a given week and draw rave marks.

Luckily for WWE, my threshold for their storyline bullshit is about as close to being fulfilled as my Gmail inbox is to being over capacity. Hint, I don't send or receive a whole lot of e-mail. But the wrestling on the show means a lot more when a good story is attached to it, almost like how religion is only constructive to society when it is couched in context and understanding. Right now, the disconnect between quality of wrestling and storytelling might create a legion of fans whose ideas of what a good show is might become warped and insular.

I don't care that he helped kill WCW. I don't care if he was a megalomaniac who stunted the growth of several other wrestlers. I don't care that he looks like an orange Fruit Rollup brought to life by a magical golem spell at this point. Hulk Hogan is always welcome on my television screen. Besides, did you watch RAW Backstage Pass on the Network and see Renee Young's smile interviewing him? Pure magic.

Via their Twitter

Alex Shelley does not make many appearances Stateside anymore, and I'm not sure I can blame him. He has a sweet gig going with New Japan Pro Wrestling, arguably the number two promotion in the world right now (I don't know what financial straits the big lucha promotions are in right now, but neither here nor there). So when he does come back to the USA to wrestle, he's gotta be in only the best matches, right? St. Louis Anarchy may have wrangled him for the best possible match available right now, as on May 2, he's scheduled to take on ACH in the Gateway to the West's flagship promotion. Also announced for the show so far are Davey Richards, Chris Hero, and Takaaki Watanabe.

If you're in the area, you have scant few excuses as to why you shouldn't attend this show. If you're not in the area, you need to put in a little work. The last show of theirs available for purchase at Smart Mark Video is from the summer of 2012. St. Louis Anarchy, like its sister promotion in Austin, is notoriously slow on the draw getting these shows out for public consumption. The company needs a bit of a nudge, a kick in the ass if you will, to get their backlog out so that everyone not fortunate enough to live in Southern Illinois and Eastern Missouri or with the wherewithal enough to make the road trip out there can view their shows in a timely fashion. In fact, the outfit is putting on a doubleshot of shows this weekend that could very well be the best in the country to date this year. Delaying the video production only hurts SLA, because the slates of matches it has been putting on in the last year stands up to any other company in America, including Pro Wrestling Guerrilla.

Above was not just a trios match, but a fundamental change in the way WWE presents matches Photo Credit: WWE.com

Gregg Gethard is a Philadelphia-area standup comedian, former NBA podcaster, and social media bon vivant. He has written an essay about the Wyatt Family/Shield match from Elimination Chamber. Enjoy!

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It’s been said The Shield vs. The Wyatts is a perfect match. I’ve watched it four times since the Elimination Chamber. It’s more than that. This is a match that could very well change the narrative structure of wrestling forever.

This match was a three act play, as a few epic matches given nearly 30 minutes are structured. And each of those three acts built upon each other marvelously well until the final ending, with all sorts of wonderful callbacks intertwined. Only a handful of match in history have been worked so well. But what set this match apart from anything else, and what could foretell the future of the WWE, was the emphasis of characterization held throughout the entire story.

ACT 1

The match begins with a stand-off, just like we’ve seen for the past two weeks since the build-up – an incredibly simple “You cost us a match!” that’s been done thousands of times – to the feud started. It gets a “This Is Awesome” chant. These six have been so incredible in their brief runs (The Wyatts have been around since roughly SummerSlam) that we can count on this being a war.

The key to the build is the little set-up for later on. In a lesser match, after a staredown, all six men would start brawling until the ref regained order. But even this has a build-and-payoff based around character. Dean Ambrose, the “lunatic fringe” who has become the wildcard hothead of The Shield, is yelling at Bray, who is yelling right back. Of course Dean is – he speaks first in Shield promos (“Ohhhhhhh, we’re so scared of you!”). Rollins and Reigns are holding him back and trying to get him to settle down. The two groups circle each other. And then Dean spins around to go after Bray and it’s on. Their initial stand-off back in the fall started in a really similar way, prompted by Ambrose’s mania after things were cooling down.

The Shield win this little skirmish. But now it begins. It’s largely a back-and-forth affair, with each guy playing their role marvelously well. The first elevation of this becomes when Rollins goes on his hot streak. He counters a German Suplex from the top rope. There’s anticipation in this, as Daniel Bryan actually hit this move on Rollins in their singles match. This is a spot that has actually happened before. Instead, it launches a flurry of action that leads to Rollins – the architect and glue guy of the unit posed as the greatest in the history of the WWE– winning the exchange and getting fired up.

There are all sorts of other touches. Bray doesn’t tag in unless the advantage is built in for him. Preachers are nothing if not opportunists – he sees weaknesses in others and exploits that for his own personal gain. He and Reigns enter in the ring at the same time and get a huge pop. These are the two leaders. This is what we ultimately want. We get it for a little bit. It’s just a tease.

Bray hits a running senton on Rollins on the floor. He’s dangerous out there. He beat Daniel Bryan because he caught the hero in his web and hit Sister Abigail into the railing. This prompts another stare-down with Reigns, with the added benefit of Ambrose in the corner going crazy.

Ambrose is fired up in this. He’s a wild man. But when he has a shot against Harper and Rowan, he uses actual moves. But against Bray? It’s just punches. He wants to beat Harper and Rowan. But he wants to destroy Bray with his fists.

The violence in this match is clear from the start, but it’s subtle. Anytime someone is trapped in the opposite corner, they toss an elbow. People pull hair and rake eyes before tagging in with the advantage, as opposed to just tagging in and out. Would we expect less? They want to hurt each other at all costs and at all times.

At one point, Bray charges Rollins in the corner. Rollins sees it coming – Bray hit a splash earlier – and gets his foot up. He goes to the top, but Bray catches him and spikes him with a chokeslam. He goes for the cover. Ambrose breaks it up and is manic. Harper, the number two in command who does anything to appease his master, crushes his jaw with a stiff boot. Even pin breakups have an air of violence.

Reigns, who changes everything in his matches as the ultimate equalizer, gets the hot tag from Rollins. He goes nuts. Rowan gets hit with a move and is struggling to his feet, using the ropes. Harper tosses Reigns to the floor. Reigns lands on his feet and sees Rowan in the ropes. Without hesitation, the runs and does his corner dropkick. The great ones see the play before it develops. Reigns is the next great star.

Act 1 concludes with an awesome dive sequence. Dean gets in the ring. He dropkicks Harper and then starts clubbing at Bray – no moves, just punches, since that’s all he wants. They end up on the floor. Harper sacrifices himself again for his patron, hitting his dive, which works because Ambrose is so focused on hurting Bray. But then Rollins, the cocky aerialist who holds this whole thing together, hits a flipping plancha to once again sacrifice himself for the benefits of his allies.

Rowan and Reigns are left in the ring. Rowan, the slugging behemoth who serves as The Wyatt’s relatively weak link, charges with a corner splash. Reigns dodges and hits a quick roll-up. It gets a two-count. The crowd counts along in unison. There has been such a build to the moment, and we know Roman Reigns gained four pinfalls at Survivor Series and set the record at the Rumble. If anyone can beat The Wyatts, it’s he.

Reigns and Rowan then club each other at once. There’s a bit of a breather – a comedown for the audience, who have just watched greatness. All six men are out. The first act has concluded. This is war. No one has won yet. Something needs to change.

ACT 2

Rollins, the architect, knows it will take something more to defeat these guys. He moves towards the tables. The crowd chanted for that earlier. We’ve been conditioned to understand matches like this – any match with a slight hint of being out-of-control – will have a table broken.

Naturally, he gets caught. In lesser matches, he gets put through the table immediately. But this requires a build and pay-off. Bray sets him up as Harper puts the thumbs up, Reigns’ signal, that they’re going to put him through.

Instead, Ambrose comes. He shoves Harper out of the way and slugs at Bray some more. That’s been his focus the entire match. Bray and Ambrose take it to the crowd. There’s even more heightening. We’ve had crowd brawls. But this late in a match?

Rollins takes out more TV sets. He uses one as a weapon on Harper. When has that happened? Inside, Rowan FINALLY wins an exchange against Reigns. He clocks him from behind and then hits him with a fallaway slam, sending Reigns to the floor.

Bray appears from the crowd without Dean – the plot point for RAW. He takes out Rollins. He then sees Rowan and orders him to the floor.

They get on the table. They then chokeslam Rollins through the Spanish table. It elicits a giant Holy Shit chant. This is nowhere near the craziest bump Rollins ever took. It’s also far from the most insane table bump. Sabu, New Jack, Foley, Shawn Michaels – all of them have flown through tables from crazier positions. Tension needs a payoff. We got it.

Bray looks on with this 40-yard-stare. He didn’t directly cause the destruction of Rollins. But he’s the responsible party. Their broken bones will be used to pave his kingdom. This is the end.

ACT 3

Reigns crawls back into the ring. The Wyatts slowly and coldly enter. Reigns stares at them. He’s been against the odds several times in his brief career. But this is something else. He has to fight. He’s a soldier. But now he has to climb that beautiful hill to reach the top of the mountain. He says it all with his face, like no one has before.

In a lesser match, his comeback would start right away. Not in this. It builds to it. The Wyatts get control. Harper and Rowan annihilate Reigns with corner splashes. Harper kneels before Bray. Cole describes this as an “offering.” Now the Eater of Worlds gets to put a skull on a pike, with the opportunity all his.

He has Reigns set up for Sister Abigail's Kiss. Instead, Reigns powers free. That’s when this whole thing started. Reigns was powering out of Cena’s STF like no one ever had before right when the lights went out and we saw the lamb’s mask.

Wyatt’s face is amazing. It’s a mixture of fear and awe and respect. (As he says the following night, “You’re an interesting creature.”) Instead of Reigns powering out, Bray throws some headbutts. Even this has a build and pay-off.

Reigns hits a Samoan Drop on Bray. He dispatches Rowan and Harper to the floor. He hits his awesome Superman Punch and goes to the corner. We’ve seen this so many times. Can he make his greatest comeback victory yet?

Harper charges and sacrifices himself one final time for his God. The preacher sees the opportunity and crossblocks Reigns. Then there’s a quick Sister Abigail – no dramatic set-up, just a flash move, as he’s used the past few weeks – and ultimate victory.

All of this also ties into The Shield’s first major win. Someone’s eliminated on the floor. Someone goes through a table. And the hero almost makes a comeback before succumbing to the odds.

Everyone holds true to form in this match. Characters are established early and advance throughout. We see the effects of battle through their eyes and faces and deeds and actions. This isn’t someone just selling an injured limb or physical pain.

This is the next step in wrestling storytelling.

This is not the end.

This is the beginning.

Let him stay home Photo Credit: WWE.com

I don't usually write about crowd reactions, because people who pay money should generally have some kind of carte blanche when their reactions to an emotional stimulus are in play. As long as they keep their reactions family friendly (RAW is rated TV-PG after all, for example), and as long as they are not being abusive to the performers, staff, or fellow fans, I can live with their chants even if they make me grit my teeth, which is to say that doesn't mean I think all of the aforementioned chants and reactions are funny or cool or even okay. The Green Bay crowd at RAW last night was especially annoying, but none more so than when a vocal minority started breaking out a random "CM Punk!" chant during a segment where the Wyatt Family was dismantling John Cena.

In the ring, Bray Wyatt and his minions were beating the ever-loving bejeezus out of the company's franchise, a bold move that apparently will put them in the rarefied air of the main event, and people still clamored for Punk. I know that Punk can't control what people chant at shows. He's not on Twitter cheerleading any attempt at "hijacking" shows (Side note, I hate the term "hijack" in this instance – fans are reacting their displeasure at entertainment, not violently commandeering a fucking aircraft. Y'all need to stop being so goddamn overdramatic for every little thing that happens.). He's at home for whatever reason that is known only between him and his employers.

Yet, at that time, those chants made me furious at Punk.

Okay, to be completely fair, I'm not necessarily "mad" at Punk. Even if I was, I'm a shithead fan and writer on the Internet, and me being mad at a wrestler is like your uncle being mad at President Obama for not lowering the flag at half-staff when the snake handler preacher dude died. I'm more angry at the reaction that him leaving the company has produced, especially since in the wake of his exit, RAW has been flush with great, fresh talent getting shine.

The twofold counterpoint would be that one, the heart wants what the heart wants, to which I have no real counter. Obviously, they want to see Punk, and honestly, I was in their shoes for three months in 2010 when Daniel Bryan was "fired" by the company. However, while I don't want to engage in crowd psychology, and while I don't want to make assumptions on why people would chant Punk, I think the second reason might be a political statement of protest against WWE for allowing Punk to walk out the door. The second reason is only an assumption, but I think crowds are getting more and more populated with folks who think they're savvy to the business and are sticking up for someone who was unjustly pushed out of wrestling. Again, that reason is not really founded basis of truth, but I've seen enough #IStandWithPunk hashtags to know the sentiment exists. The reasoning may be irrational, but it gets at me nonetheless.

Granted, I am not siding with management here. Once history has eroded the cover of kayfabe on this period of time and shines a light on what really happened, my guess is WWE management, whether Vince McMahon or a crony, stooge, or underling of his, will have a light shone on something stupid that they did or said to make Punk fly off the handle. History has borne this out time and time again. What I'm mostly tweaked about is that I don't know what the beef between Punk and management exactly is. I would venture to say that outside of Punk, McMahon, and their respective inner circles, no one does. Maybe no one was at fault, and this exit was a mutual parting of ways. It is basically an ignorant hullaballoo over something no one knows anything about. All anyone knows is that something happened, Punk left, and all his fans got really sad.

Even so, no one knew at the time of Bryan's aforementioned firing what the circumstances were, and now, even if he was really "fired," he was never meant to be gone from the company for too long anyway. But Bryan being gone meant a net loss for WWE from my personal enjoyment factor, which gets into the meat of why I've been getting annoyed at every mention of Punk since he left. I don't think him leaving really takes much from the table at all in terms of my personal enjoyment. In fact, Punk's existence with WWE was becoming somewhat of a sore point for me in the rollercoaster ride I take every Monday and Friday with company's main programming.

He stopped being enjoyable as a character sometime near the end of the Undertaker feud at Mania. While his performances in the ring still had the potential to be outstanding, when everyone on the roster was firing on all cylinders regardless of the show they were on, Punk's free TV wrestling lacked sorely, at least from my perspective. Couple his recent malaise with the fact that he's not only miserable and spiteful on social media but ever-present since he's one of the most retweeted personalities on Twitter, and I'm just sick and tired of seeing him or hearing about him.

Granted, the above is not a nagging lecture on how you should feel about Punk. It's not a detailed breakdown of his status with the company either. Call it me venting about something that has been bothering me for the better part of a year now. I don't know if I'm in the majority or minority of how folks feel about the guy, but I couldn't let it go for much longer before it drove me batty. Of course, if Punk comes back sooner, later, or if at all, I'll give him the same puncher's chance I give everyone who comes into a wrestling promotion I like and follow. He's been great before, and I think he can be great again. But I'm not going to pretend that him being gone is a detriment to my enjoyment of WWE right now, and I'm not going to particularly agree with the people who ruin a perfectly good Wyatt/Cena segment with calls to bring him back, even if I begrudgingly defend the rights of those folks to chant for him.

The coolest but sleaziest guy in the room Photo Credit: NJPW.co.jp

Episode 131: You Give Dude Love a Bad Name

Alex Torres of Free ProWrestling and PW Ponderings comes back to the show. We kick things off with a bit of Chikara talk, mainly about their absence and whether they lost fans along the way. I defend the viral stuff they were doing, while also agreeing that having no Chikara was a sad thing. We then get into talk about road trips, Alex's time in Japan, and the ROH/NJPW supercards that are happening later on this year. That thread leads to a discussion about contracts in indie wrestling and then about the ostentatious entrances of New Japan. WE get into talking about the importance of a great entrance with Alex giving examples from both extremes. We step into the Twitter questions, which include sojourns on sandwiches, AAW, and Bad News Barrett, and we finish the podcast up talking at length about CZW.

Direct link for your downloading pleasure.

The Undertaker has been using the rope walking arm club for his entire WWE career. HE started calling it "Old School" when he came back as the biker character, which is funny, because now he's been calling the move "Old School" for more than half of his career. Either way, the move takes a lot of dexterity, especially for a guy his size. Even if it seems "simple" nowadays, it's still a damn cool move.

It's here...

It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Wrestling Links:

- The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 131: Alex Torres [You Give Dude Love a Bad Name]

- WWE Network changing the business as we know it [Voices of Wrestling]

- The Best and Worst of RAW: Somebody Stab a Pen in Green Bay's Hand [With Leather]

- Fact: Renee Young is proving a disappointment [The Only Way Is Suplex]

- Real backstage fights between pro wrestlers, part 2 [Camel Clutch Blog]

- The Best and Worst of Elimination Chamber 2014 [With Leather]

- WWE Elimination Chamber 2014: What We Learned [SB Nation]

- Bang for Your Buck Elimination Chamber Review [Juice Make Sugar]

- Dream of the Elimination Chamber [Irresistible Force vs. Immovable Object]

- Halloween Havoc 1994: The last time, the first time [Wrestlespective Radio]

- Who is the greatest WWE tag team specialist? [TJR Wrestling]

- The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling: The Wolves of Ball Street [With Leather]

- Wrestling With Food: Chocolate Chip Cookies a la The Rock [Wrestling on Earth]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- The Internet is fucked [The Verge]

- Team Retrospectives: Philadelphia Eagles [The Footbawl Blog]

- Who cares about Jadeveon Clowney's motor? (Assholes, that's who) [Deadspin]

- NFL Daft: A partial history of draft day's terrible decisions and total failures [SB Nation]

- A ban on black players that cost the NFL its most exciting quarterback [Deadspin]

- Oklahoma's self-reported pasta violations leave some very important questions [Campus Union]

- 33 interesting words the English language needs to add [Cracked]

- The Olympics failed gays, and gays failed the Olympics [Gawker]

- Motörhead is returning to action with its very own rock cruise [UPROXX]

- Taste Test from Hell: We cooked a bunch of gross recipes from the '50s [Jezebel]

- And the Valley Drinks: Rogue Chipotle Ale [And the Valley Shook]

- Ten Saturday Night Live performers who were banned [Warming Glow]

- This map shows how long sex lasts in each state [UPROXX]

The thing about WWE having their deepest, most talented roster is that not everybody can be a Cena or Orton, or, for that matter, even a Kingston. In order for there to be a ceiling, there has to be a floor. Otherwise that's not a house you're in, it's a death trap. And on the final February Main Event, you got to see the floor. Maybe three times.

The floor is not a wholly degenerative term, it should be noted.  And since every company needs some sort of metric of full ineptitude, one should be grateful that in this Networked Era, the floor's clean enough to eat off of. Those with longer memories can easily recoil and recall at a decade or so ago in the post-Invasion era what it looked like -- the floor was covered with broken glass and singing Creed off-key. Road Warrior Animal? Tatanka? The Gymini? This list goes on, but listening to My Own Prison twenty times in a row is preferable to dredging up that sludge again.

Nowadays, if you're Stamford, the floor is exhibited by Heath Slater: a king-sized bumper who the audience always wants to see get his face punched in. When he and the rest of 3MB teamed with AxelBack to take on the Rhodes Brothers (speaking of things falling towards the floor) and Los Matadores con El Torito in a 9-and-a-half man tag, we all knew how it was going to end. The dominoes started falling as Ryback dominated Cody Rhodes, then in short order cheap shotted his brother and his lucha partners; at this point they may need to be renamed Los Miércoleses

So when Cody pulled off the Disaster kick, that left him one tiny white ball of fire to reach out to, and Torito came in a-fussin' and a-snortin'. We learned that Torito contains Mysterioesque properties of being unpowerbombable, and that given the planche doble example set by the Santanists that the Rhodesia could also pull off apron cannonballs and double jump planchas of their own. We learned the crowd was highly amused in the pelvic wiggle v. air guitar unspoken debate between the closing men, and that Slater was unafraid to get his White Goodman on. Fat lot of good it did him, since he got basement rana drivered -- the second deadliest finisher in WWE besides John Cena being alive -- and pinned.

While Slater was pissed off Byron Saxton was asking him the obvious after the match, he didn't Cesaro him.  Saying you're better than this is such a non sequitur as to be not worth saying: you're an adult and former tag team Champion who got pinned by a midget wearing a gentrified Shamwow. The question is, was this just an unnecessary sop for the ilk of us BCBers or was all that time away and now this leading towards something of a split in the air guitar band camp? When even your shuffle knows you're writing about 3MB and starts in with The Kids Don't Stand A Chance, something's gotta change, right?

Ehhhh...not so much. That's what Damien Sandow was hoping, getting to lock hor--getting to go against Sin Cara in the evening's finale. And he won the match on points. He was more aggressive than usual, and the MITB loss and subsequent losing streak didn't seem to be in the genius' head as he whaled on the luchador for about 300 seconds. He even got a chant from a slightly meta crowd. But despite his willingness to launder freely from the Copeland setlist (reverse mat slam, modified Sharpshooter) and drop some fisticuffs pre-Cubito, what he ended up was nearly Full Slatered, gamengiried and Falling Starred by the masked man who has never seen Camacho before in his life. If 3MB and specifically Heath Slater are the floor, it's possible the goateed mental giant is on his way to falling through it.

As for the divas, Eva Marie is to attractiveness what Lex Luger is to physique. This, of course, means watching her wrestle is the sort of thing one does under protest while cringing, but again, a floor must be established and there are always ways of making a hook shine like new.  In this case, she teamed with NattieKat as Team Total Divas to battle Foxsana. She knew enough to avoid the kneedrop of doom, and Alicia Fox made her look like several hundred thousand dollars before uncorking a vicious tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and the BEST NORTHERN LIGHTS IN THE BUSINESS. (Mandatory whine about Alicia Fox not getting nearly enough shine but having to watch her sell Eva's Down On Day One arm wringers like they're busaiku knees so the smark card will renew itself, then moving on.)

And even this flooritude, this Sandowicity and Slaterness, played into the finish as Eva knew enough to cut Alicia off but ended up coming back to the apron at the moment Aksana was kicking Nattie off the Sharpshooter and inadvertently into her partner; a spinebuster later, the Lithuanian and the former Lisa Frank Memorial Belt holder were celebrating. Then again, it threw to a lengthy Total Divas promo for me, so who really won?

In a night defined by the losers, Darren Young narrowly avoided being casted down with the dregs, but it wasn't easy sledding against his former tag partner Titus O'Neil.  Once this became a power game, it became Titus', and it was all Young could do to weather the storm of cheating, big boots, and throws into the second turnbuckle. Actually, he had to rely on his stealth, getting his win and some retribution from the PPV with a sunset flip rollup. Yet that spoke not only to his guile, but of TON's arrogance and power along the way. Young hopped up on the barrier, next to the same fans he'd double fist-bumped on the way in while the former Gator blew his stack in the ring.

You could almost see the thought in his mind based on the relief in his face: good thing I didn't go Full Slater.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts is known as one of the best cerebral villains ever, but when called to draw sympathy and be a man of the people, he was one of the few who was just as effective. Feuds with Ted DiBiase and Rick Rude brought out the best in him as a face, but when he tangled with Earthquake in the early '90s, he may have set the high water mark for facial expressions that showed pathos and heart-wrenching loss. As detailed in this newsy recap segment hosted by "Mean" Gene Okerlund, Earthquake showed his disdain for Roberts' boa constrictor Damien in the only way any wrestling heel would, by doing things to it that would get PETA way up WWE's ass today, regardless of the fact that the snake was never in the bag in the first place. The camera shows a close up of Roberts' face, and ooh, the sadness is palpable. Speaking of Okerlund, in another life, he could have been America's most trusted news anchor. Also, a broadcast booth featuring both Roddy Piper AND Randy Savage along with Vince McMahon must have been a hoot on a regular basis, since both were regularly awesome with him by their lonesomes.


This week's video comes to us from the inspiration of one @FosterVsWorld.

He's got the look, but can he get back the fire? Photo Credit: WWE.com

Batista came back to WWE slow out of the blocks, which was to be expected. After all, he's spent four years away from pro wrestling. How much time he spent training for his mixed martial arts career or not is irrelevant; that sport has different rigors than the art of pro wrestling requires. He foolishly wore skinny jeans when he was called to Batista Bomb Alberto del Rio, and he looked half-speed at the Rumble in comparison to younger, hungrier superstars like Roman Reigns. His match against del Rio at the Chamber made him look like he'd ignored cardio. Again though, all of that lag in the ring was so predictable that Helen Keller could both see and hear it coming.... too soon?

The microphone was never Batista's strong suit as a babyface. As a heel, however, he lit the world on fire as the spotlight-demandin', leather-vest wearin', Slammy Award presentation-interruptin' foil to John Cena. The content wasn't so much the key to his promotional content as the delivery was. Clear diction wasn't needed, nor was it delivered. However, when Batista spit on that mic, he had fire in his voice. He had bass and inflection. He had an axe to grind, and he made sure the tenor in his voice reflected that.

Tonight on Smackdown, Batista went into a better direction. He finally saw that the fans had turned on him - better a month later than never - and so he embraced his inner douchebag and started to show signs of that character that made me an unequivocal fan of his for the first time ever. However, those signs were hampered by rust.

Content-wise, Batista was on the same level as before he left. He had a few good cracks at Daniel Bryan (without ever mentioning Bryan), the fans, and the content of the roster, but the fire was missing. Instead of the 700 horsepower, cranking engine behind the words, Batista's verbal delivery more or less resembled a jalopy with unlubricated gears grinding the car to struggle uphill without rolling back. In one word, Batista felt uninspired.

I know he's only been back one month, and he may be out of practice with his wrestling persona, but if Batista is going to succeed on an artistic level in WWE, he is going to have to get that motor running again. He's going to have to find his spotlight. Dominating the mic and getting segments backstage won't work if he's at half-speed. He needs zeal, because his opponent at WrestleMania is going to bring it.

Randy Orton has been at his promotional peak since his rift with the Authority started (and in the interim ended apparently) back in November. He's found his groove, and he will no doubt overexplain himself at every turn. If Batista doesn't want to get lapped, he will have to get on Orton's level. I feel like I'm in bizarro world writing that sentence, but it's true.

Batista may have the wardrobe and the words, but without the fire, without the horsepower, without the spotlight, he's going to get lapped. Right now, the writing on the wall states that no fewer than two matches, three if the Cena/Bray Wyatt build catches fire, will have a larger claim to stake for the main event slot at WrestleMania. It's up to Batista as to whether this match build can deserve to place the match on a slot of real estate greater than the pre-show now.

It's nights like this that make me proud to be in this industry. - William Regal

If God put on a wrestling show, it would be a less awesome version of NXT ArRIVAL.

This is supposed to be a simple recitation of facts, especially for those who missed out on the show but need these to stay conversayvouplait when it comes to the crown jewel of Full Sail. Henceforth, star ratings aren't going to find a home here. No Dean Douglasing letter grades, either. From now on, because of this show, there is going to be a modification of the caliber scale used when it comes to viewing the pro graps in Bias Junction.

The median is nothing. The most negative outlier is "Kill it with fire by throwing it into the sun after having already lit it on fire". And now the most positive outlier is "It was so pitch perfect not only did I miss it when it was gone but at the end I cried". Sure, it could be a constellation instead of a five-star match or a A+++ or whatever, but let's just call it by its name: Cesaro/Zayn IV.

Six months ago when the NXT dispatches started, it started at (and probably was caused by) Cesaro/Zayn III. It was the thing that damn near blew up the Internet it was so awesome, and started turning heads who weren't looking before that in the directions of a certain ginger high flyer and the Fabulous Tony C, the Boss of the World. Some people had it as their Match of the Year, and some people didn't, but for most it was at bare minimum in the conversation when that talk was being had.  So it was only appropriate that the first match on the first live show broadcast on WWEN was them resuscitating their long-standing rivalry.

When's the last time the fourth installment of an already awesome series was the crown jewel of the entire run?

It happened.

If you're looking for a cheap excuse to buy into the WWEN Kool-Aid, here's this: for $10 a month you can watch this match whenever you'd like and you have the half-hour to kill. It's unfathomable that a company can put on such a quality work as the Shield/Wyatts trios war at Elimination Chamber and that 2014 MOTYC might not even be the best match the company put on that week...it doesn't induce speechlessness because you're out of words, but because all of the words for joy and glee are trying to escape your brain at the same time and there's rainbows and dancing unicorns and free craft beers for everybody and Brittany Snow checking out Anna Kendrick in the shower and like Candide, how can anything go wrong in this, the best of all possible words?

So if you're expecting a blow-by-blow move for move eight-page recitation, forget about it. You can ask me if you want to see my uncensored notes about the match and they will be sent to you, but in fairness it starts off with a positive curse in all caps, and ends with the justifiably hysteric SWEET BABY JESUS ON A TINY CROSS WITH FUN SIZED NAILS IN HIS HANDS. That was said by an agnostic. In the middle it seems gravity stopped working on a few occasions, that it built on the other three chapters while going off in its own separate direction, and it induced more caps than a home D.C. hockey game.

It answered the question "Why do you still bother with professional wrestling?", possibly the question "If you could only pick one match to show someone who wasn't into pro wrestling to try and get them into it, which one would it be?" and "Is this what heaven looks like?" Awash in pre-match massive expectations was to be expected, sure; but in a world where so much is hype and then the subsequent disappointment in people and things that fail to live up to it, this surpassed it. All of it. The fact that Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips and the inimitable Regal put on the best announce work in the post-JR era for the entire show but especially this miracle given breath was just the crumbled up cookie things on the frogurt and the found $20 in the jeans pocket.

And even the post-match made them shut up. The end result was Niagara Falls, Frankie Angel, which made it difficult to type and cry at the same time. Whatever wins the Best Picture Oscar in a few hours, you can keep it. Compared to this, it couldn't have been that good.

That rematch alone would've made Arrival worth the long trip to the fireworks factory, but in the other two title rematches as well high expectations were vaulted over with quadruple somersaults and a smile, thus further solidifying the status of NXT as WWE's happier Bizarro World.

Paige made her return to the shores of Grappleania to go against the ascendent Emma, and if the awesome commentary caught onto the match's overhanging narrative clothesline right away: just because I respect you doesn't mean I like you. The moment her new theme died down Paige in order got in Emma's face from about .2 inches away, shoved her, and piefaced her when she dared shove back.  This was wrestling, but this was also about proving a point--the challenger that she wasn't the archetype Paige could dismissively quick slice and dream about kneeing in the face without getting stretched like Armstrong en route to a hard, physical match, and for the Champion, that the previous victory for the belt wasn't some miraculous fluke but rather the logical endpoint of evolving greatness. No matter who yelled "Give up!" at the other, it seemed more to be said out of vain hope than any actual hope that it was going to happen unless something next level and borderline catastrophic occurred.

You see, when you beat everybody with your finisher and especially when you've beaten this opponent with your finisher, surviving a beatdown and pulling it off should culminate in victory. And yet. Paige's reaction was perfect; for someone who'd mentioned in her prematch video package about the only time her emotions ever went anywhere besides "knee it in the face, knee it in the face, knee it in the mothereffin' face" was the tears she'd shed upon winning the belt in the first place.  Can one confirm that's what happened when Emma became the first women to survive the Paige Turner No Not Her?  Probably no, not without coming back with some teeth missing. But the youngest diva ever to reign supreme in WWE went into a minor meltdown before realizing that anger can be power and reknowing that she could use it.  She then outsubmissioned the submissionist by putting on a Nakanoesque Scorpion Crosslock that can be best described as part Sharpshooter, part Rings Of Saturn and all ow ow OW even before Paige muscled up and lifted Emma up off the mat with it applied in the middle of the ring.

The crowd chanted for divas after it was all said and done, because this is WWE's Earth 2 and you saw the title of this thing. You're talking about a world where both Regal and Stephanie McMahon both doing the Emma Dance might sneak into the top 10 of Things That Made This Show The Awesomest. And even getting to the happy ending came with a bit of acid in the lemonade after the match, going from looking down at the vanquished, to pulling her up by the hair, then a handshake quickly followed by a pull in, then followed by the hugging it out that the crowd had been hoping for. It was almost as if they were both wired to be heels but a smart audience realized in their own way they were both super awesome women and not just sexy cattle sent out as a barely disguised plug for "reality" programming. IMAGINE!

You could call it unbolievable, but why? The king is dead, and long live the fourth NXT Champion. In a fairer world a main event high quality ladder match with a title change a crowd was begging for and was quite joyed to get would be taking up the bulk of the keystrokes, but such is the difference between the Iguodalas and the LeBrons. That said, after Shawn Michaels came out as a sort of comedy buffer/living reminder of what a ladder match could entail, Dallas and Neville went to work right away on reaching the night's earlier heights and coming close, too.

Everything steadily escalated as the bout went on, with Dallas continuing to find ways to Finlay it up and use the ring as an assistant in his match (trapping Neville's leg in the ropes, then his arm in the apron, and later using the apron on a few occassions and throwing The Man That Mother Nature Forgot To Make Good Looking backwards into the steps). But once the ladder got involved, the violence predictably took on more squirm-inducing properties to the point where the referees looked concerned and checked on both men on multiple occasions. It's easy enough to see the damage done in real time, and unfortunately for the smiling delusionist he took the brunt of it to close the show, as he got slammed into it and set up the moment the highlight reel was waiting for -- well, assuming they want to replace what they just replaced with a different hyper bad-ass slomo cut -- Neville ascending to the top before uncorking the Red Arrow, making Bo the now horribly hurt meat in between slices of aerial armageddonist and hard, unforgiving ladder. The last moment of Bo Dallas' title reign before he sluiced out to the floor, you could see the long, red angry line that getting the prettiest finisher in the business got him, and even his desperate lunges at the end couldn't stop history from being made and Neville grabbing the big X from the hook.

CJ Parker lost, the Ascension got snazzy new video and music en route to crushing Too Cool's hopes like so many cassingles, and both the McMahons cut quick promos that got them cheered.  But for those who weren't on the bandwagon before, it was Heisenberg quality stuff that'll breed another round or 96 of addicts.  For those who were sporadic, it probably went to appointment TV. And for those true believers, well, sometimes you get everything you want and you cry out of joy and sheer relief and a few other things, too, and realize while things can't always be this good based on math and logic alone that there will always be at least something, one show, one ridiculously good match that can cause Pharrell's "Happy" to come up on shuffle while you're writing about it and no matter what dregs will be in the future, this is always perfect, and possibly even always there for a tenner a month for at least half a year.

That was the one annoying thing in the leadup, besides the fact all this awesomeness hadn't happened yet: people kept calling NXT the future. It's a semantics thing, and you can see why that shorthand got chosen. Scandals get referred to as _________gate even though Richard Nixon wasn't forced to resign over the pilfering of Poland Spring; certain lexiconalities happen by sheer force of overuse. And while some people in NXT are the future and more eyeballs are on it than ever, NXT is the present. Sometimes so good it's like a present, too, but it's the present. It's here, now, fully formed. As Stephanie noted to an appreciative crowd, you can't still have it if you never lost it, and you can't be a nebulous thing in the distance if you're fracturing orbital sockets through sheer greatness in real time, either.

And considering this could've just been a series of overjoyed anime character .fgifs, this much verbiage seems like a good place to depart you for a few days, dear reader.

Seriously, I haven't gotten to watch Cesaro/Zayn in...minutes.

Read it, dorks

Arizona governor Jan Brewer vetoed the controversial SB 1062 bill that would have made discrimination against consumers of a given store on grounds of their sexuality legal. Whether the bill was stricken down because Brewer, who usually skews to the extreme fringe right on social issues, actually believes that the important word in the phrase "gay people" is the second one or whether she felt pressure from outside forces like the National Football League, who threatened to remove future Super Bowls from Arizona, the veto is a victory for human rights.

Supporters of the bill/critics of the veto have vocally said that the bill's rejection is a blow against religious freedom and a violation of the First Amendment, which says government shall not make any laws abridging the practice of a religion. God, I love when people misunderstand the Bill of Rights. Wait, did I write love? I meant to state that people who hide behind The Constitution without knowing what the fucking document says or means make my blood boil. Only a completely biased observer would make the argument that the bill would have defended religious freedom.

Sure, homosexuality is regarded as immoral in many of the major religions as they are situated today, despite the fact that the Bible only really mentions it twice. In one vein, the Book of Leviticus says "laying down with another man" is grounds for execution. That chapter also has provisions against eating shellfish and shaving, two statutes that are followed with all the strictness of a typical New Year's resolution-bound diet by the time Valentine's Day rolls around. The second time was when St. Paul wrote in one of his epistles about how men having lust for other men was pissing him off something fierce, not really anything concrete against gayness. I can't say with any veracity what the Qur'an says about homosexuality though. I can't imagine that it's anything complimentary.

However, even if those tenets were ironclad, believers of whatever fucking religion holds them don't need to have them codified in law in order to follow them. The law of the land allows bigots to hold their bigoted beliefs regarding gays and their lifestyle. That law also allows me to call those bigots out on their bigotry too, because hey, speech is free as long as it's the truth and isn't causing a false panic. Not having a law in place that tells these small-minded and hateful shop owners that they don't have to sell to gay people doesn't even stop them from not selling to gay people if they want to. No law is on the books saying that entrepreneurs have to sell their wares to anyone who inquires about them. Good business practices dictate, however, that all money is good money, and if you don't want to go out of business, you should probably sell your goods and services to anyone who can hand over dat scrilla, yo.

But putting in the laws that gays can be discriminated against without recourse? Now that action is the real violation of the First Amendment. Government shall not make any law abridging free practice of religion, and a metric butt-ton of religions, not to mention atheists who don't believe in God, gods, or religion in the first place, exist that don't care either way what set of genitals a given person is attracted to. Tell me, why should those people have to follow a fucking book that is a guideline for ONE religion, no matter how expansive, splintered, and populous that religion is, when it isn't part of their moral or spiritual guideline?

The Constitution and the Bill of Rights were written to protect the population at large from such lunacy taking place, no matter how popular or overbearing that lunacy becomes. If people who decided they were defenders of the documents in question had actually read them and understood them on a more scholarly and less biased level, this country would be a far better place.

...and hailing from Rio de Janeiro... Photo Credit: WWE.com

It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, especially around Friday night after Smackdown, and wait for the call. Anyway, time to go!

First up, resident teacher @BillAtTheEnd asks if WWE should start billing Bo Dallas from Bucksnort, TN.

He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who should be billed from the same rough-and-tumble hometown as Bunkhouse Buck. Dallas just isn't that kind of character. If I were to give him a fake hometown, I would go with something that fits him more. He's the great and powerful Troll King of NXT, right? In line with WWE's total and complete lack of subtlety, I would bill him from his own sub-Reddit. Then again, that level of referential wizardry might escape Vince McMahon and his crew, so I'd just settle for a tryst that didn't exist that produced a child born in... Rio de Janeiro.

TJ Hawke of Free Pro Wrestling asks if I'm going to Tag World Grand Prix.

My first thought when this event was brought to my attention was that Wrestling Is Fun! is finally gonna crown Tag Team Champions. But I hope that TWGP being "handed down" from Chikara to its Fun sister (daughter?) promotion doesn't start a trend. Wrestling Is Fun! presenting King of Trios wouldn't be the same as Chikara doing it, for example. But I'm dodging the question. Will I attend? As with any wrestling event nowadays, my attendance depends on family stuff, but truth be told, I would much rather road trip up to Easton and catch a cool tag tournament than try to deal with WWN Live or other Internet pay-per-view providers as they try to jam the Internet airwaves with their pre-WrestleMania wares.

Cosplaying enthusiast @BrandunKyla asks what dream match I would like to see during the Ring of Honor/New Japan Pro Wrestling challenge.

I mentioned on last week's podcast that I would love to see ACH take on Prince Devitt. ACH is the best junior heavyweight over here, and Devitt is the best over there. Why not put strength against strength? A secondary dream match would pit Shinsuke Nakamura against Joey Ryan in a sleaze-off, but since Ryan hasn't been booked by ROH in years, that one truly is a dream match.

Recent podcast guest and Bucky's 5th Quarter staffer Andrew Rosin wants to know which wrestler would be the best subject for a television/movie spinoff, and why that answer is Jervis Cottonbelly.

Cottonbelly would be a great answer, no doubt. Downton Abbey's popularity indicates that people are out there capable of writing gentlemanly old Brits in a compelling fashion, and no doubt, Gentlemania would be a far more compelling canvas than the daily trials and tribulations of the landed gentry in Great War era England. But the best answer, no doubt, would be Corporate Kane. Get Mike Judge to write the script, and boom, Office Space 2 is born. Besides, who wouldn't want to see Bill Lumbergh get chokeslammed ALL THE WAY TO HELL.

Noted action figure wrestler promoter @justastupidmark asks which member of the 1980s WWF roster, besides Andre the Giant, do I think could eat the most hot dogs.

If I'm discounting the acromegaly-assisted metabolism of Andre the Giant, my pick would probably be Hulk Hogan. The WWF didn't have a whole lot of skinny dudes with high metabolisms in the '80s. The big fat guys would be ruled out because their bulk could have been due to slow metabolisms. Fat inhibits digestion. Muscle, however? Muscles are metabolism factories. Hogan was one of the most muscular dudes on the roster, so he probably had to be eating constantly so as not to lose his frame.

Resident Scot @GingerPimpernel wants to know who my favorite UK-based wrestler is.

I don't follow a whole lot of UK wrestling, sadly, so the only wrestlers I've gotten an extended look at have been Zack Sabre, Jr., Mark Andrews, Pete Dunne, and the den mother of the first family of English wrestling herself, Sweet Saraya Knight. Of the three, I'd have to go with Knight. She takes her evil to levels that most wrestlers are probably scared to go. She's not bad in the ring, either. Paige learned from a great teacher, to be honest.

@OkoriWadsworth asks my least favorite place to watch a wrestling show and why.

The Trocadero, by far. If you don't get a balcony seat, you have to stand the whole show, and those balcony seats have no backs and aren't partitioned. The building gets way too hot in the summer and is frigidly cold in the winter. The sightlines are bad, and it will always have the stigma of being the place where Chikara died. So yeah, I have no love for the Troc.

Benevolent cybernetic wrestling algorithm @robot_hammer asks which WWE wrestler would make the best transition to the broadcast booth.

CM Punk is the easy answer since he's actually killed it in the broadcast booth. Miz has also done some good work there too. Of the folks who have spent at most a match here or there as a "special guest" in the booth, I would actually choose John Cena. He's articulate, has passion for the company and its stories, and he can get his voice up for the big events.

@Doc_Ruiz2012 asks how Xavier Woods ruined the NXT ArRIVAL stream on Thursday.

I heard he got OVER 9000 during his entrance, and The Network's servers couldn't handle that power surge.

Former theologian @el_spriggs asks how I'd book towards Bray Wyatt/Undertaker next year.

Well, he has to beat John Cena at Mania this year. I would let Cena get his win back at Extreme Rules in a hard-fought, knock-down, drag-out hardcore rules match with a finish that mirrors the Cena/Cesaro finish from earlier this year, but the Mania match has to have Wyatt coming out on top. Wyatt and his Family would then have to dominate the company in a manner similar to The Shield from TLC '12 through Survivor Series last year. They can have setbacks, but overall, they have to be a dynamic force of nature all the way through to the Royal Rumble.

In the lead up to the Rumble, Wyatt would then start making grandiose claims about how he's the new Phenom of the WWE, how this yard is now his, and other callbacks and references to things Undertaker has said over his career. Basically, I would have him subtly call out Taker in every way possible up through the Rumble match, when after he and the Family clear out the ring, he does the zombie sit up in mockery. There, the lights would go out, the gong would hit, and then Taker would appear in the ring to eliminate the entire Family. From there, Wyatt and Taker would just verbally joust and do various supernaturally-tinged things to each other until they clash in the 49ers new stadium for WrestleMania XXXI.

@CDSBackfist wants me to pick a WWE All-Star team, with five starters, seven benchsitters, and a coach.

The coach would be William Regal, because if you're not cheating, you're not trying. Now, as for the lineup, the question never specified whether this team would be wrestling or playing basketball. Because naming a wrestling all-star team is too easy, let's pick an all-star team for pounding the rock. WE PLAYIN' BAS-KET-BAAAAALLLL.

CENTER: The Big Show - He has experience playing basketball for the Wichita State Shockers (BEST TEAM NAME EVER), and he's got the height to post up against the best WWE has to offer. Plus, if another Malice at the Palace breaks out, he'll be able to stem the tide of carnage with meaty KTFO punches.

POWER FORWARD: Brock Lesnar - His amateur wrestling background will help him muscle past the athletic and bruising fours in the NBA today, and he has the hops enough to get him some rim shattering dunks.

SMALL FORWARD: Seth Rollins - He would draw so many free throws with how believably he'd be able to flop on even the most minuscule contact. Seriously, how can I pass up that many free points?

SHOOTING GUARD: Kofi Kingston - He's got mad hops, no doubt, which plus his shorter size would make him the best candidate to be WWE's answer to Michael Jordan. I don't know about his midrange jumper though, but then again, I don't know about anyone's midrange jumpers in WWE.

POINT GUARD: Rey Mysterio - His knees would be a question mark, but I can't see anyone in WWE being better at distributing the rock than Mysterio.

BENCH BIGS: Big E Langston, Ryback, Roman Reigns - Langston doesn't have the height, but he reminds me of Charles Barkley with his build. Ryback might be reckless, but him driving the lane would be a sight to behold (as long as The Big Guy remembers to dribble). Reigns has so much raw athleticism that I can't leave him off the team.

BENCH GUARDS: Dolph Ziggler, JTG, Jimmy and Jey Uso - Ziggler would be the backup plan for Rollins after he invariably fouls out under the new flopping rules. JTG reminds me too much of Allen Iverson for me to leave him off the team. I would imagine the Usos siva tau skills would help them with dribbling, which would make them ideal backup guards at least.

Once and future TWB staffer Bill Dempsey asks if Daniel Bryan could drag a watchable match out of even Batista.

Daniel Bryan could drag a great match out of Moppy. You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. And most of all, you don't doubt Daniel Bryan's ability to get good matches out of anyone, whether they be prime talent like Sheamus or roided up stiffs like Batista.

@Kenzaki24 asks what I'd give to have Antonio Cesaro and Sami Zayn headline WrestleMania for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

Oh man, that match would be expected immediately to be the most memorable WWE Championship match since Rock/Austin, right? They've wrestled four times in NXT, and each time they've improved upon their prior encounters. Since they're clearly not going to wrestle for the straps this year (although WWE would be stupid not to build towards a Zayn/Cesaro title showdown for WrestleMania XXXII at the very latest), I wonder if they'll get a chance to wrestle on the card at all this year. WWE's main continuity has been bleeding through to NXT and vice versa. If WWE puts a showcase match for NXT on Mania this year, it would do far worse than having Zayn/Cesaro V. Then again, Cesaro might be entangled in other matters, ones that involve a certain, orange-hued guest host...

@nicholasreed wants to know whether the Phillies will be "entertainingly" bad or "oh the horror" unwatchable bad this upcoming season.

Actually, I give a third option - frustratingly mediocre. The Phillies have enough talent that they might hover around the .500 mark, but unless Ryan Howard chugs HGH-and-stem cell milkshakes and everyone else has age-defying career years, I don't think they'll be able to overtake the crowd for a second wild card spot. The Phils will always be in the hunt by the nature of the market they're in. With the television money coming in, the Phils are a big market team, but with Ruben Amaro continuing to trade what prospects he hasn't alienated by snitching on them to the NCAA for geriatric, low OBP guys with limited defense, the best fans like you and I can hope for is that second wild card or a fluke NL East Championship.

@Mikedodd18WWe asks what the minute-for-minute best match I've ever seen was.

Even the best matches can have down time. The rest holds are a necessary evil at times because even wrestlers with the best cardio can't go for the time they've been allotted without a breather or two. With that fact in mind, I would go with El Generico vs. the 1-2-3 Kid at King of Trios '11 as my choice. I could be remembering the match with rose-colored glasses, but I don't recall a whole lot of rest hold time. They went hard for the time they had, which was super impressive given that Kid was sucking wind in a Trios match on Friday night.

Royal Rumble statistician and contributor to Irresistible vs. ImmovableScott T. Holland asks how WWE is going to make room on the main roster for the prospects who shine now in NXT.

The obvious answer is that some of the dead weight on the main roster is going to have to be released. A more unconventional answer lies with The Network, though. WWE has now infinite time at their disposal to fill, so they can add more and more shows to make room for the ever-growing ranks on their rosters. For one, with NXT and WWE Universes bleeding into each other, NXT now becomes a more acceptable "destination" for wrestlers. While being called up to the main roster would still be the ultimate goal, being "stuck" in developmental with its own "big event" shows and wide distribution no longer holds the stigma it used to. Superstars getting the same distribution would hold more of a cache, and it could regain the same cult status it once had before it was usurped by Main Event.

Additionally, WWE has been rumored to be adding even more shows to its slate, including a cruiserweight showcase, a women's wrestling show, and a tag team exclusive slate. WWE could theoretically keep everyone on the roster gainfully employed if they wanted to. That argument might be too idyllic or idealistic, but it is possible. My guess, however, would be a combination of the two. Some guys will get released. Others will find niches on other shows.

Philly expat @wildvulture asks if WWE made a beat 'em up sidescroller like River City Ransom, which two superstars would make ideal protagonists.

Regardless of how badly their friendship has fractured on the main show, don't tell me you wouldn't buy the shit out of a RCR-knockoff from WWE starring Daniel Bryan and Kane. Team Hell No vs. The World would be a great launch title for a theoretical WWE Games company.

Former Penn State blogiverse maven Dan Vecellio asks what the Intercontinental Championship even means anymore.

Honestly, any title means whatever the company wants it to mean. Right now, the title means something because they're booking Big E Langston to be a decent Champion. People want his belt, and he wants to be Champion because he's wrestling in competitive matches that he's not losing because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Before Chuck Taylor stopped giving a fuck about it, the 24/7 Championship he was running on his Instagram was tremendous even though the title changed hands once every couple of days. A title's prestige is all about its presentation. If the title is presented as in demand, fans will think it is prestigious.

Onward State contributor Bill DeFillipo asks who'd win in a fight between him and Andrew Rosin.

Everyone knows that the folks over at Eleven Warriors would jump in and claim dominance because Urban Meyer can't take anyone winning a Big Ten battle that isn't affiliated with his school, not even in the blogosphere/Twittersphere.

Strong Island reader @mikepankowski asks that now WWE has rolled out this initial offering for The Network, what would I like to see them add.

Once they gain server stability and can offer streaming on a regular basis without shit like general socket errors (or are they general socke terrors????) and connection timeouts, I would love to see them start adding archives of full television episodes. Right now, The Network has selected episodes of Hardcore TV and World Class, but once it gets better and better at handling the demand, I don't think it has a reason not to have the full archives on demand. Plus, the availability would allow an easier time for episode prep for the folks at What A Maneuver.

@Jason_DeFarge asks what will happen when Cesaro wrestles outdoors and gets the full effect of Earth's yellow sun.


Best question ever.

Austin taco bro @NDEddieMac asks if any hope exists that the announcing will be as good as it was at ArRIVAL as long as Vince McMahon is around.

Nope. Watching the ArRIVAL though gave hope that once Stephanie McMahon and Triple H are in charge though that WWE might end up picking up some of that creative slack that they've left. I doubt WWE will become an idyllic paradise like NXT is, but a happy medium between the hyper-intensive "learn how to be a wrestler" environment that has provided such a great old school wrestling show and the SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT OUT THE WAZOO gloss and glitz of RAW would be attained. Triple H, through his personnel moves, has been ambitious to say the least. He signed Mistico and Awesome Kong, and whether or not they failed because he misjudged them or because meddling from the corporate structure got in the way is irrelevant. He seems willing to push the envelope, and hopefully, when Papa Vince heads to the retirement home or the grave, whichever comes first, Trips will be able to reform RAW into something a little more palatable to a larger audience, and that includes better commentary.

@JordiScrubbings asks which deceased wrestler I'd like to see come back at his/her current age to work a match.

Eddie Guerrero is my answer today, yesterday, tomorrow, and in perpetuity. I understand why he died, but man, I see WWE's roster today, and I see him having epic matches with everyone there, even today. In a perfect world, WrestleMania XXX would be headlined by Guerrero, who was involved an iconic guard-changing moment at the last tenth-anniversary Mania, defending the Championship against Daniel Bryan, passing the torch in an instant classic.

The biggest fan of California's First Corgi, @rancho_king33, asks which wrestler was meanest to the jobbers.

I don't recall anyone being too stiff with the jobbers back in the day because I didn't pay much attention to that kinda thing when I was watching them firsthand. However, I don't remember anyone inventing Tiger Driver '98 because they got too reckless with their finisher other than Triple H. So I'll go with him.

Wrestling Culture co-host Dylan Hales asks if Evan Bourne will ever wrestle another match for WWE, or whether he'll return to the indies for a victory lap like Chris Hero and AJ Styles.

I'd like to think WWE is saving his return for the cruiserweight show that has been rumored for the longest time for The Network's launch. But if he's not back now, then I dunno if WWE will ever have him back. He's way too talented to be given the JTG treatment (hell, JTG is probably too talented to get the JTG treatment, but who knows). The truth is that I can't really read the WWE's human resources tea leaves with any accuracy, but if he is let loose on the indies, I'm not sure he'd generate the same level of excitement as Hero, who spent a relatively short time in developmental, or Styles, who was the hottest thing in TNA before he left. That fact might not bode well for him since, as Dylan pointed out on Twitter, both of their victory laps have fizzled pretty quickly.

Noted anteater @Enrico_Palazzo_ asks what the most satisfying Royal Rumble has ever been.

The Rumble match has traditionally been used to build up big-time heels for Mania. Even when the good guys went over huge at Mania, the circumstances have been dubious or aided by the WWE's dual title structure. However, one Rumble stands out brightest. The 1998 Royal Rumble saw Steve Austin enter as perhaps the hottest thing in all of wrestling, and he walked out having punched his ticket to take the WWF Championship from Shawn Michaels. Even Rumbles where guys everyone wanted to see win took the match, like Michaels in '96 or Edge in '10, paled in comparison to the nod from management that Austin was indeed the man.

Grade school bro @bdonn120 asks if Hulk Hogan will actually wrestle a match with WWE in his current stint.

I would be surprised if Hogan wrestled another match ever again, to be honest. He has lots of trouble walking, he can't bump, and if he did the signature leg drop again, he might shatter into a billion pieces. However, Hogan doesn't need to work to be awesome. I loved his return promo on RAW, and I think trotting him out a couple of times a year like they do with Roddy Piper or Dusty Rhodes would be magic.

@ray_fuck asks if I could have a dinner party with four ECW alumni, whom would I invite, and what would we eat.

First, I'd invite Sandman because he would bring the beer. One less thing for me to have to buy. Second would be Terry Funk, because that man would have so many stories. Third, I would invite Perry Saturn, because I like laughing and he seems like he'd just break up the evening with some zaniness. Finally, I'd invite Miss Congeniality, because I ain't about throwing a sausage party over here, and Amy Dumas is welcome at my dinner table anytime. As for what I'd serve? Probably steak and potatoes because that seems like an ECW kind of meal.

Cole Hamels fanboy @PhilaBCoulter asks what new viewers to NXT should come to expect on the reg from the announce team.

The ArRIVAL announce team was the best they could offer. William Regal, Byron Saxton, and Tom Phillips had great chemistry and balanced the technical aspects of wrestling announcing with storytelling, but they're only three members of a rotating announce team. The good news is that most iterations are decent at least, but the bad news is twofold. First, Alex Riley is a member of that pool, and while he's not bad per se, he's so much worse than Regal, Saxton, or Tensai/Jason Alberts that it's noticeable. Second is that whenever they have Renee Young in the booth, she gets exposed. Her chemistry with Regal is good, but she often embodies the worst qualities of WWE's patriarchical philosophy regarding women. Hearing her say the words "man up" was heartbreaking. But even with those negatives, the NXT announce crew generally does good work. The group is a total departure from the wretched obnoxiousness of Michael Cole, JBL, an Jerry Lawler.

Inspire Pro Wrestling has always been old school in more ways than one, but the above graphic shows that the company is willing to go back far in the time machine. A hotline? That you call for real news? How delightfully '80s. I wonder if the folks in charge got Mean Gene Okerlund to give the scoops. Anyway, this hotline has a distinct advantage over the old pay-for phonelines opened up back in the day. It is absolutely toll-free. Call it with or without your parents' permission. Who cares? IT'S FREE.

A sight the English never thought they'd see Photo Credit: WWE.com

Carrie Dunn is a published author. Her book, Spandex, Screw Jobs and Cheap Pops: Inside the Business of British Professional Wrestling, is on sale at Amazon, but you can also find her regularly at The Only Way Is Suplex. She has a bit of national pride over the results of NXT ArRIVAL. Give her some of your time.

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I’m sure those of you on the US side of the Atlantic will forgive us on the other side of the pond for feeling a little bit smug at the moment. After years of our best wrestling talent being relegated to supporting roles or forced into identikit “British villain” characters, it seems things are taking a turn for the better after the first live screening of NXT – ArRIVAL.

Paige retained her NXT Women's Championship against long-time opponent Emma. She is the first and only woman to hold the belt in NXT, and William Regal’s “enchanting raven-haired lady” is still only 21. She’s been signed to WWE for nearly two years, but even before that she’d been wrestling across the world as Britani Knight, often in a tag-team with her fantastic and yet terrifying mother, Sweet Saraya.

You might know about Saraya, and you’ve probably heard Regal talk about Paige’s illustrious wrestling heritage. The Knights are legendary on the British wrestling scene, with patriarch Ricky running his promotion WAW in the Norwich area and Saraya as the face of the female counterpart Bellatrix. Paige is, obviously, the most successful of the next generation, but a 2012 documentary showed her brother Zak’s efforts to make it through a WWE tryout as well.

Adrian Neville’s NXT Championship win, though, was perhaps a little more of a surprise. He’s relatively small, he’s got a very strong Geordie (Newcastle!) accent, and, as Tyler Breeze has pointed out, he’s not conventionally good-looking. It never occurred to us that WWE might actually put the NXT belt on him. That’s not to cast any kind of aspersion on his ability. Neville is a truly wondrously gifted professional wrestler - indie fans or aficionados of Japanese wrestling, of course, will know him better as PAC, ‘the man who gravity forgot’, who’s been a staple of the likes of Dragon Gate for years.

You might think seeing him do a shooting-star press on television is impressive; to see him perform live, in a relatively small venue, is simply mind-blowing. The first time I saw him was almost surreal in its brilliance – and then half an hour after his match finished, I spotted him sneaking out from the locker-room, resplendent in a Newcastle United shirt, freshly showered, damp hair combed, watching the rest of the card from afar. This everyman quality and his love of wrestling should stand him in excellent stead.

So as we bask in the reflected glory of Paige and Neville, I’m also secretly casting my eyes around at the local indie shows, and putting together a shortlist of the next Brits I expect to head over to the Performance Center soon. I shall keep you posted.

Women's Superstars Uncensored recently ran a secret show which I actually attended. The card opened with a Beyond Wrestling showcase match between JT Dunn, the recent winner of the Tournament for Tomorrow, and Shynron, the spirit dragon from the Chikara Wrestle Factory. The two set a decent tone for the evening, and even though the match is short, it is packed with action.