One of the things that really helped me get my head around professional wrestling was understanding is as a parody of a legitimate sporting event.  Not a parody like The Daily Show or Mad Magazine, that makes fun of its subject - but a parody that employs the tricks and tropes of its source material and uses them as a framework to hang a story on.

Pro wrestling works well when it’s able to do this.  It’s compelling when performers challenge each other for Championships, announcers discuss holds and strategies, and crowds show their support by screaming and chanting.  Just like a real sporting event.

But professional wrestling works best when it presents itself as a legit sporting event that’s being beamed directly to you from a universe where the utterly bizarre seems commonplace.  When the performers challenging each other wear neon colored masks, announcers discuss exotic submission holds and strategies used by guys dressed like Abe Lincoln, and crowds showing their support by singing old creepy hymns and chanting da-da, dada-deedada as they dance and point is when it’s the most fun.  It creates a cool juxtaposition between the real and the weird.

Starrcade 1983 is a prime example of this.  The show is best known for two classic matches -  Roddy Piper and Greg Valentine’s dog collar match and the title bout where young upstart challenger Ric Flair took on Champion Harley Race for the NWA Title in a steel cage.  Both were brutal, bloody performances, and Flair and Race in particular presented a master class on ring psychology and storytelling.  The show was also notable as it was the embryonic form of the modern pay-per-view.  The basic elements – introduction videos, graphics and backstage interviews – are all there, but they’re still… mushy. There was, however, a particularly cool moment in a backstage locker room where Tony Schiavone (who Gordon Solie repeatedly referred to as “Tony Sha-Voney”) commented on a previous match while Roddy Piper, Ric Flair and Rick Steamboat nonchalantly chilled in the background.

The weirdest part of the show was a one-on-one match between Charlie Brown (billed as hailing from “outta town…”) vs. The Great Kabuki.  Charlie Brown was actually old-time, hippie/redneck wrestler Jimmy Valiant, The Boogie-Woogie Man who, for some reason, had been run out of the promotion and was forced to return wearing a mask.  However, since Valiant sported Gandalf style, epic long white hair and beard which explosively splayed out from under his half mask, he was pretty recognizable.

Via the brilliant Fishbulb Suplex Tumblr

In contrast, Kabuki wore a stylized mask (which was actually a Noh Theatre mask – Japanese theatre nerds, represent!), facepaint from his theatrical namesake and spat green mist. So it was a wrestling match between a skinny, hyperactive masked dude with a giant beard who’s named after a cartoon character and an actor from 17th Century Japanese theatre. See for yourself.  Here's a clip of the match from WWE.com.

And the great part is that nobody ever mentioned the fact that it was completely, batshit crazy!  Nobody ever said “Hey, isn’t it strange that these two characters who have literally nothing to do with one another are wrestling?”  It’d be like if Othello and Velma from Scooby Doo decided to play ping-pong together.  Everyone involved – the performers, announcers, and even the audience – accepted that this is a completely rational event that demanded to be taken very, very seriously.

Part of the fun of pro wrestling is that things like this occur and create a tension between the legitimate, competitive sporting event, and Hunter S. Thompson-meets-Fellini-fever dream-surrealism.

A woman on the commentary desk? Long overdue. Photo Credit: WWE.com

Hello folks! I hope you all had a happy Fourth of July! Hopefully you spent it outside enjoying a hot dog with traditional Chicago toppings or other grilled deliciousness with a frosty beverage of your choosing. If you’re not from the States, sorry you had to be stuck at work, unless ketchup was going on your hot dog. In that case, I’m happy you were stuck inside.

The lovely and talented Renee Young would be joining Tom Phillips at the commentary table from now on. Byron Saxton was on backstage interview duty. It was awesome to see a woman at the desk. I thought she did a great job, though I’m pretty sure Vince isn’t the Superstars commentators’ ears. So plusses all around!

First match on the show was Big E Langston against Titus O’Neil. This episode’s most egregious failing was that each of the matches was only a few minutes long. I realize I complain about that every week, but what the hell? The episode ended with thirteen minutes left until the next show. Would it have been so terrible to throw an extra match in there? They could have filmed it before they went live with Main Event. Or shit, why not film some studio stuff like they did back in the day? Show the matches, and then hit me with some new content. Don’t just show me what happened on RAW, throw some talking heads in front of me (preferable Paul Heyman and whoever the hell else you have lying around) and chat about what happened this week. Don’t just make this a throwaway hour. Make it something people want to see.

Anyway, this was a fine little HOSSfest while it lasted. O'Neil still really doesn’t look like he cares, but he seemed a bit more into this match then the one he was in a few weeks ago. At the very least, he was doing his barking taunt. These are steps in the right direction. Big E was really into it, and the crowd was all about him. Big E eventually won with the Big Ending.

Second match of the evening was Alberto del Rio vs. R-Truth with Xavier Woods. This was nothing special. Both guys were working hard, but I had a hard time paying attention to the match when Woods was wearing a shirt that is advertising a Super Saiyan Gym. That’s not even fair. All I could think about was how soon I could get my hands on that shirt. I need it LIKE I NEED OXYGEN.

Moving on, del Rio heeled it up through the match. He tried to flip Truth into the cross arm breaker, but Truth jumped weird, so he landed on his head before falling into the submission. It looked terrible, but del Rio picked up the win, which in the long run will mean bupkis.

Wuthering Recaps

Loads of recaps this week, but Raw was actually pretty good, so these weren’t as torturous as they normally are. I still maintain they are largely pointless, but I’m not up to screaming at that brick wall this week.

The Miz and Chris Jericho came back! I really hope they have something in mind for the Miz. This Hollywood jag persona he’s got going on could really work. I’m not the biggest Miz fan, but if he’s going to be a part of the roster, give the poor guy something to do that doesn’t include hosting the show. As for Jericho, he’s always a welcome sight. Here’s a guy who actually seems to cares about building up the next generation of wrestlers. I’m really looking forward to what Bray Wyatt and he put together. And I think we can all say with confidence that Wyatt won’t end up like poor Fandango.

AJ Lee’s back! I’m not crazy about her winning back the title so quickly, but if they make a proper feud of it with Paige, I’m down. I’d love for Paige to just decimate every one she faces from now until she gets her rematch. Let the crowd really see what she’s made of. They spent a little time recapping the start of Raw.

I really like the idea of Triple H and Steph subverting Cena in his attempts to rebel. We all know Cena is the system. He can’t rebel against himself.

I still don’t get what THE DEMON KANE is doing in these main events. It makes sense in terms of the story they’re telling. Stick another Authority guy in there to help Randy Orton win, but there isn’t anyone else? Kane is the anti-threatening. If I saw him walking down a dark alley, I’d go right up and ask if he needed help finding his way home.

What I do really like is how all the Authority stories are dovetailing into each other. A faction working together for their own betterment is great, even if I think THE DEMON KANE is a big pile of useless. It builds from the previous stories, even without Daniel Bryan (more surgery? ::SOB::). Seeds are being planted for future stories, which is always a positive. I’m jazzed about where we’re heading, even if Jorts is our Champion.

Random Thoughts

• All about the guy in the Viking helmet in the front row. We need more people just walking the Earth in these things.
• I got a real excited for a few minutes thinking that we were going to get a new show on the Network about factions, but it’s just a new DVD. I think that’s one of those topics that’s rich enough they could do a whole series on it.
• Renee dropped a Fresh Prince reference on us. She continues to be great.
• I’d like Cena a lot more if he had a different way of setting up the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Just a little variation can go a long way.
• From me to you, WWE: Exclusive ikˈsklo͞osiv/ noun: exclusive; plural noun: exclusives 1. an item or story published or broadcast by only one source.

The Man Photo via Fox Sports

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Tim Howard (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Howard was pretty much the only reason the United States Men's National Team took Belgium to extra time in the World Cup knockout round. His 16 saves are a World Cup record, and he proved that he could pretty much save everything. Ned Stark's head? Tim Howard could've saved that. The InVasion angle? Yup, Howard would have saved it. YOUR PARENTS' MARRIAGE? I'm not sure Howard could have saved that one, but he sure would have saved your psyche by reassuring you that it was certainly not your fault.

2. Santino Marella (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Marella announced his retirement at a house show this past weekend. His recent work may have been enough to dismiss him from memory, but I still think back to the time he and Vladimir Kozlov tried to make peace with Sheamus by hosting a tea party for him in England, and I smile. I am playing the invisible trombone for the man who gave the world the Honk-a-Meter today.

3. AJ Lee (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Surprise! Lee's return to RAW was pretty much a shock, mainly because all the "sheetz" thought she was pregnant or something. As fate would have it, she just took some time off to enjoy her honeymoon. I look forward to her and Paige showing everyone how it's done once they get to have more than five minutes in a cooldown segment.

4. Paige (Last Week: 2) - Speaking of Paige, she should probably know by now that wrestling, like a lot of other forms of entertainment/arts, tends to be symmetrical in catharsis. She'll bounce back, and Paige and Lee will have rad matches along as Kevin Dunn is hogtied and gagged when the grownups backstage discuss the course of action with which to take it.

5. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 9) - He's gotten so big in WWE that he's getting dedications from Bo Dallas. What a lucky guy!

6. Vickie Guerrero (Last Week: 1) - I don't know how she spent her first week of non-WWE life, but hopefully, it didn't involve getting recoil fears of having gravy or Jell-o or pudding dumped on her out of humiliation.

7. The Rooster Soup Co./Federal Donuts (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Kickstarters are a fickle thing for me, but Rooster Soup Co., which is a project backed by the same people who have rocked Philly's house by selling donuts AND fried chicken in the same store in Federal Donuts, hits a soft spot for me. I've had a tureen-sized hole in my heart since Doc's closed sometime last year. No soup, no peace. Well, not only is the Rooster Soup Co. gonna fill that void again, but it's going to do it charitably as well. Can't beat that.

8. Zack Danger Brown (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Speaking of Kickstarter, if you're going to abuse the service, you might as well go big. Hopefully, this guy, who got 100,000% of his stated goal for making potato salad, will make enough to share with the rest of the country.

9. Mark Henry (Last Week: 5) - Henry bought a ticket to Brazil last night and was rumored to have been fitted for a soccer kit. I'm not saying he's the one who's going to replace Neymar on the Brazilian side, but I'm not saying that the host country's officials didn't ram through his Brazilian citizenship and naturalization just to get him on the team and unleash the HALL OF PAIN on the Germans.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: Her favorite animals at the zoo are capybaras because they are graceful swimmers.

RAW was about as grungy tonight as Dean Ambrose's troubled teen aura Photo Credit: WWE.com

I don't know why Vince McMahon and WWE invited the viewing public into its figurative home tonight. The place was a mess from nearly the beginning. Sure, the shoes in the foyer were lined up nicely in a row, and the odor of hardboiled eggs and canned tuna fish has mostly been masked by Febreeze and Glade Plug-ins. But the hampers are overflowing, the trash needs to be emptied, and the magazines, oh my lord, the magazines are a goddamn fire hazard. Sure, maybe you might not feel disgusting living there just yet, but it wasn't in condition for people to be entertained.

The shame of WWE's situation right now is that sure, it might feel like it needs a RAW-after-Survivor Series '01 reboot to get the house in order, which in terms of the comparative oeuvre in which I'm working might seem like burning the magazines, busting out the rug shampooer, and considering sending the cat for a buzzcut. For every Dean Ambrose-vs.-Seth Rollins feud brewing in all its simple yet glorious execution, at least one if not more sad examples like the continued depowering of Antonio Cesaro is weighing it down. Seriously, guys go from big swinging dick to just another dude in WWE all the time, but how disappointing is it that WWE's answer for capitalizing on Cesaro's newfound, organic popularity was weighing him down with fucking Paul Heyman's "let's talk about nothing but Brock Lesnar for entire promo segments" shtick?

Maintenance is low energy and high reward. Emptying the trash before it looks like an all you can eat buffet for Oscar takes little energy, just like plotting out a feud's progression from one pay-per-view/special event to the next without pressing CTRL+C/CTRL+V from cell to cell might take about an hour on a Thursday. If the writers, producers, Vince McMahon, and Kevin Dunn didn't ignore all the clutter, maybe they wouldn't be responsible for helming a product that needs constant deep cleans in order to stay aesthetically pleasing and deeply hygienic.

Sure, when Brock Lesnar comes back and F5s the house into order, everyone, including myself, will probably praise the show. But if WWE is trying to sell me on a sustainable model of television that takes no weeks off, it needs to put in the work. It's a multi-million dollar corporation with unprecedented (for wrestling) resources and a roster that may very well be the best in history. The show could have been stellar tonight. Instead, it presented a near carbon copy of last week's show, and even the wrestlers took a cue from the office's laziness and felt half-a-step off.

A lot of the metaphorical imagery used in the above essay came straight from my mom's talking points in regards to getting me and my brothers to help out around the house. Obviously, it stuck with me, even though I wasn't - and still am not - super vigilant in keeping the house clean. Human nature is not conducive for old dogs to change, so maybe the old dogs should get the fuck out and let hungrier, younger-minded people in there. If Kevin Dunn has been in charge for 16 years now and still is in charge of awful live production with terrible misogyny to his name, then maybe he oughtta be swept out for people who won't sabotage the show for self-interested gains. Or hey, even if Triple H and Stephanie McMahon do have bad habits, at least they'd be different bad habits.

I don't know whether my disdain for RAW ever since the Seth Rollins turn has been due to lack of oomph on its end or because I'm too distracted while watching, but the point remains that a little bit of housekeeping is NEVER a bad thing. WWE needs a change in attitude towards keeping its shit clean and in order. Whether or not show quality correlates to Network subs or ratings points is irrelevant to me at this point. Sometimes, putting out the most compelling product you can is enough to keep the base happy until that external spark comes along and lets everything blow up. Then, the debris isn't so much clutter and dirt as it is confetti. Cleaning that up isn't so damning a task.

Bo Dallas knows sportsmanship. Why, when wrestling El Torito, he gave up his substantial height advantage to make it a fair fight! How honorable of the man who is now 12-and-Bo! In all seriousness, Dallas has been predictably fantastic since making the main roster. I don't know what to make of his crowd reactions though, but WWE is at least sticking with him, which is more than I can say for Adam Rose. What separates Dallas from Rose, however, may just be instincts. Rose seems to have a few things he falls back on (one quite literally), while Dallas keeps adding tweaks to his repertoire, like bowling over Torito during his victory lap. I continue to BOlieve, no matter what the cost.

Minoru Tanaka, shoot-style icon Photo via ProFightDB

In my last article on this subject, I did North America. And if we're being perfectly honest with ourselves here, that wasn't exactly the most challenging article I've ever done. This isn't because there aren't a whole bunch of finely tuned and skilled grapplers here in the United States, because there are. The larger point, however, is that there is widely regarded as one American style, with small filters in it for region. But when you get beyond our shores, that whole paradigm changes. So, with that idea in mind, these master classes are going to get a bit longer and a bit more detailed. I might even be posting a link to the best match to truly get a sense of what it is that you might be missing.

We will be starting in the Land of the Rising Sun. Not just because there are just a metric ton of promotions here, but because there are so many different styles that come into play that a guy can literally make a name for himself just by staying in his own little fiefdom playing by the set of rules that he is the most comfortable with.

The best example of this, and the first style of this, is shoot-style. BattlArts (or BatBat as it is sometimes referred to) is the best example of this, but RINGS, FUTEN, U-Style, and some others I'm forgetting fit in with it as well. It's top-level matwork and submissions with vicious strikes kept in. Basically, for way of American explanation, if you can imagine William Regal or Finlay doing it, it's acceptable. But who is the best at the catch-all of this? Well, that's difficult to say but here are some places to start.

Firstly, Minoru Tanaka. He is maybe, depending on who you ask, the biggest success story out of BattlArts. It's difficult for those of us who have only seen his run in New Japan, All Japan, or a quick cup of coffee with an unfortunately named US promotion to understand what he was like in BattlArts. He remains the junior heavyweight archetype that so many guys try to imitate nowadays. A hard kicker who is smooth technically and can do high-flying maneuvers. Sound like anyone in particular? So I'm seriously telling you to go on your favorite video sharing website, type in Minoru Tanaka + BattlArts and enjoy the fun. Wince at the kicking. Marvel at the submissions. It's all glorious.


And the other master I'm thinking of is less slick, and more like a submission bulldozer. If all you know of Volk Han is that CM Punk referenced him one time, you're missing out. He tore through people in a promotion which is, by any reasonable measure, as close to a pure shoot as wrestling has actually gotten. RINGS was built around the idea that it was where real wrestlers went. Don't believe me? Fedor Emelianenko worked there for a short time. It's in his bio and everything. But Volk Han is special. You got the idea that if some promotion had brought him over, even to teach, that we would have really seen something special. Imagine if you let the Steiners, circa early-90's WCW, loose on the world with all of the submissions you see in the video below you? Yes please.



The more things change... Photo Credit: Impact Wrestling.com

With Kurt Angle in place as the new “Director Of Wrestling Operations” at TNA, the company has been pushing the idea of its rebirth. Considering the events of this past week’s episode, this rebirth looks startlingly similar to a relaunch of a certain “extreme” wrestling company. Some old friends have returned to TNA, and some interesting match-ups are set for the future, but this week felt like more of the same.

I pointed this out last week, and I hate to have to reiterate. However, TNA has a bad habit of ripping off WWE’s history and drawing on wrestling connections it had no part of, but they couldn’t have made the connections to ECW (original recipe and extra WWEified) any more blatant this week if they tried. We had the return of Rhyno to the Impact Zone, squaring off against his former ECW roster-mates Tommy Dreamer and Bully Ray, and siding with the Carter Family in their ongoing quest to keep matriarch Dixie from getting put through a table. I honestly don’t have much more I can say about this angle at this point. I’m never going to be okay with a supposed hero threatening a woman like how Bully has threatened Carter, and this angle has really brought the worst out of the TNA faithful. The return of Rhyno bugs me a lot, and I really despise TNA’s unwillingness to build up new talent and just trading on known names from failed companies. It’s a waste of talent and a waste of time, two things that TNA has really become known for, and it’s frustrating to see talent like Ethan Carter III wasted among washed-up old men crying about the glory days. Mr. The Third calling out Bully Ray on needing to realize he got beat was the best part of this storyline this week, but the shameless wheel-spinning needs to end and we desperately need to get to the fireworks factory.

Amongst the two main angles running this week, we had some head-scratching updates from the midcard, including a fast three way tag match between The Wolves, The Bro-Mans, and The Menagerie. We also got a title change for the Knockouts division, getting the title back on Gail Kim after some nonsensical booking with Angelina Love refusing to take a count out victory. The threat of Samuel Shaw is still on the horizon, and Austin Aries somehow got himself booked for a X-Division Championship match against Sanada, which he promised he’d cash in for heavyweight title match. Because when it’s so easy to get booked into a title match it makes sense to take the longest way into the heavyweight scene and devalue the X-Division title along the way.

Bobby Lashley continued his reign as Champion, beating Eric Young in a regular match built to set up his power and ability, and Bobby Roode as a babyface beat Kenny King in a street fight after getting jumped back stage. MVP’s Alliance put in a strong showing this week. It will still have some modicum of presence in TNA and may be a thorn in Kurt Angle’s side in the future, but what’s really confusing is how Angle’s booking is basically just the same as MVP’s was. All of the matches set this week or more or less grudge matches, and Angle even hammered home the idea that all scores will be settled in the ring and not outside of it. There’s not much we’re getting here yet that hasn’t been done before and one is left to wonder with Angle’s promise of a “reboot” will just be window dressing for the same old same old. We’re heading into the shows taped in New York, which the TNA roster has promised are the best shows they’ve done so far. Presumably there is still hope for the immediate future.

All in all, a frustrating nothing episode of TNA that seems blatantly just getting everyone ready for future shows that TNA swears this time will be better if you just give them a chance.

Last Thursday, while most of the working world on the Eastern Seaboard was counting down the seconds until the long weekend, the folks at Pro Wrestling Guerrilla FINALLY announced the last eight names for this year's Battle of Los Angeles tournament. Unlike with the firsttwo waves of announcements, the final eight were mostly company regulars, folks whom most expected to be announced anyway. However, the final two names announced definitely had some unexpected value to them.

AR Fox - Fox will join his African-American Wolves partner ACH in this year's tournament. Of all the competitors announced, Fox has the least respect for his own well-being and will definitely be the most likely candidate to reach a mythical 2.0 on the Ziggler Scale.

Chris Hero - Part of me wants to project Hero to win the tournament, and part of me thinks he's reached emeritus status within PWG and will probably end up putting over Michael Elgin in the semifinals. Still, he's a dynamite addition to the tournament. Also, fuck you if you contribute to the body image problem within professional wrestling by focusing on his paunches and wondering aloud whether they'll keep him from getting back to WWE.

Chuck Taylor - Given that his current tag team partner Trent? and fellow East Coast running buddies Drew Gulak and Biff Busick have been announced already, Taylor was a foregone conclusion. He and Trent? already have one 2014 tournament title under their belts in DDT4; will he follow suit with a singles run?

Roderick Strong - Strong may be the least popular and most boring choice so far, but he makes sense. He's the definition of "gatekeeper" within PWG, as he's been around the main event scene without breaking through. His ship has sailed, but he's still a far better performer in SoCal than he is anywhere else in the world.

Tommaso Ciampa - I wonder if Ciampa is a favorite to in the tournament this year. PWG always seems to be a step ahead of Ring of Honor in terms of pushing the up-and-comers, and Ciampa, who got a big boost with his run in the ROH title tournament last year, seems to be stuck in neutral there. Either way, I expect him to have a monstrous showing, as he's the kind of wrestler who thrives in front of the Reseda crowd.

Adam Cole - Cole won the damn thing in 2012, and he's a threat to win it again this year. He has taken over the mantel of singles wrestling big bad within the company, and thus I expect him to make a deep run.

Ricochet - Ricochet's inclusion in the tournament surprises me, not because he's foreign to PWG, but because he's the Dragon Gate Open the Dream Gate Champion currently. DG has shows scheduled in Japan on BOLA weekend, which means either it's going to run without its top Champion, or Ricochet's bound to lose that title between now and August 29. ETA According to Joe Roche down in the comments, Ricochet has lost the Dream Gate Championship, so that is not a concern. Either way, I'm incredibly stoked that he'll be part of the proceedings, as this tourney is littered with the top junior heavyweight talent in the English-speaking world.

Kenny Omega - The final name announced for the tournament is a huge one. Omega has resided in Japan for the last five years for the most part, so any time he comes back to North America is a treat. He won the tournament (and the PWG World Championship) in 2009. His name was definitely one to drop the mic on.

So, 24 of the best independent wrestlers in the world have been named for this year's tournament. I don't think the lineup is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, to be honest. For one, I was hoping Candice LeRae would have been entered and made a deep run into the third day, Joey Ryan or not. Secondly, the closest thing to a SoCal native that PWG has inserted into the fray is Brian Cage. Everyone else is a guest star, which is fine except the company was pretty much built on the best wrestlers in the world coming in and not dominating the scene but creating a unique atmosphere with guys like Chris Bosh, Scott Lost, Ryan, Super Dragon, the Young Bucks, Scorpio Sky, and Quicksilver. That quibble might seem minor, but I'm afraid PWG is losing its soul. Or maybe the company is evolving. I don't know.

However, I can't poo-poo this lineup too much, especially when guys like Zack Sabre, Jr. are being flown in and wrestlers like Drew Gulak, Biff Busick, and Cedric Alexander are being given platforms. Plus, the Twitter account announced that the Young Bucks and Cole would be taking on Taylor, Omega, and Trent? in trios action on night 1. I guess when you can give fans that kind of action, then maybe you deserve the benefit of a few doubts.

After a bit of a hiatus I am back with a new edition for This Week in Sid History.

For this edition, we go back 15 years to July 5, 1999. It was the day after Independence Day, and which happened to fall on a Monday for an episode of Nitro. It was a big show because WCW held it at the Georgia Dome. More than 25,000 people were on hand to watch Sid Vicious fight Kevin Nash in the main event for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship. With that said, let us take a trip back in time and celebrate the founding of this great country by talking about a match featuring our hero. On this particular evening, Sid was joined by Team Madness, a.k.a. the "Macho Man" Randy Savage, as well as his associates Madusa and Miss Madness. Not present at the time was Gorgeous George, who was kidnapped by Kevin Nash or something. Because this was the main event of a WCW Nitro show at the Georgia Dome, it meant everyone had the honor of listening to Michael Buffer introduce the combatants.

Sid entered the Georgia Dome wearing the WCW World title. HOWEVER, Sid wasn’t the World Champion; that honor belonged to Mr. Nash. Amazingly, someone dared to try and take out Sid with an inflatable beach volleyball or something. Thankfully, our hero was okay and made it to ringside safely. I hope the perpetrator was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Soon, Nash walked out and just as he appeared. The broadcast cut to the crowd where there was a giant paper cut-out of Big Sexy. As Nash approached ringside, Savage freaked out and had to be held back by Sid, a true friend indeed. Nash grabbed a mic and told Savage and the rest of Team Madness to beat it and leave the ring. He wanted Sid 1-on-1. Sid got Savage to leave.

By the way, it wasn’t a Nitro show unless the crowd chanted for Goldberg... WHICH THEY DID. But this circumstance was different as it was the first Nitro show at the Georgia Dome since the infamous Finger Poke of Doom. Those who paid money in hopes of seeing Goldberg... well, they were probably disappointed. As a side note, this Nitro broadcast would be the last time WCW held a show in the Georgia Dome. Three months later, the WWF started doing shows there and it continued a few more times. The Georgia Dome hosted that Miz-main evented Wrestlemania in 2011.

The match started and the two men went back-and-forth briefly. Nash got the upper hand and knocked Sid out of the ring. While Sid was re-gaining his composure, Savage ran out from the back and attacked Nash. Sid got back in the ring, but Nash had thwarted Savage’s attack and then sidewalk slammed Sid. Nash successfully stopped the double team (WHO BOOKED THIS!?).

With Sid out of the way, Nash worked over Savage, running into him in the corner. He tried once more on the diagonal corner, but Savage pulled in the referee, knocking him out in the process. Nash sidewalk slammed Savage and soon got booted in the face by Sid. Sid went to pick up Nash, but immediately got low-blown. WHERE WAS THE REF!? But wait, the crowd rose and looked toward the entrance way. Was it Goldberg? Hulk Hogan? Ric Flair!? Nope! It was Sting.

Yes folks, Sting came out to save Nash from Sid and Savage. But wait, Sting blindsided Nash. It was a set-up!? SWERVE? All of the sudden, it was all three guys against one Nash. HOW WOULD NASH OVERCOME THE ODDS? Sid picked up Nash, which allowed Savage to grab the belt and clobber him. All three men stood over Nash. But wait, another wrestler entered the ring. IT WAS... STING! That must have been the real Sting, you guys. The REAL Sting got in and cleaned house, knocking both Sid and Savage out of the ring. Real Sting met face-to-face with Fake Sting and knocked him out of the ring.

Real Sting then went to help up Nash, who immediately rose up and powerbombed him. The nerve! During the last minute of the in-ring action, fans pelted the ring with garbage in true WCW style. Nash grabbed his title, which was conveniently in the ring, and left. As he walked to the back, Nash grabbed a mic and said the following to Savage:

“[Gorgeous George]’s in my dressing room, what’s left of her.”

This was troubling. I thought Nash was supposed to be the good guy. THERE WAS NO NEED TO HARM HER! Savage and Sid (casually for Sid) walked away from the ring and head to the back. This was the last point in time that we saw Sid. Sting also got up and walked backstage. However, the referee, who was knocked down in like the second minute of the match, was still out cold. Somebody should’ve checked on that poor guy. He could have been seriously hurt. WHERE WERE YOU, DOUG DILLINGER?

As a quick prologue for this article, it is important to note that this episode was the (in)famous “Send for the Man” moment with Savage.

Godspeed, fair jester Photo Credit: WWE.com

Santino Marella announced at a house show in Toronto on Sunday that he would be retiring from WWE. He cited a neck injury as being the breaking point, as it has cost him a lot of time in the ring over his recent past. The announcement drew out mostly warm wishes for the comedic dynamo, but his presence on shows lately had drawn mostly sighs and groans. Unfortunately, Marella has had to deal with mixed reactions most of his career from the hardcore community. While live crowds always popped for the Milan Miracle, his critical acclaim has been lukewarm to say the least in aggregate, even if those who did praise him ended up being effusive with their words.

Every story has more than one side to it. Perspective is both humanity's greatest gift and its most confounding obstacle, which is why Marella's legacy, or anyone's for that matter, will be debated for as long as people remember who he is. I refuse to proselytize to the sect of fans who would rather everything be the 2010-2012 Ring of Honor World Championship scene, because no matter how much I extol his virtues, they're not coming around. Comedy is extremely subjective in the wild, let alone in professional wrestling. I have found Marella to be grating and pandering at times, and I'm not sure how much of it I could blame on WWE's writing and the way comedy is streamlined to fit an impossibly narrow standard (read, to Vince McMahon's liking if the rumors are correct).

Yet for as much as the content he conveyed was questionable at times, Marella's timing, the way he knew exactly when to pratfall or duck or break into his invisible trombone, always seemed as close to objectively good as one could get in the arena of pro wrestling. Knowing how to manipulate a crowd into raucously cheering you is a difficult art, especially when your methodology involves traversing over the funny bone. To that end, Marella has to be considered one of the all-time WWE greats. The pop he got when the TD Bank Garden thought he won the Royal Rumble was electric, and it certainly sounded louder to me than the one Sheamus got for winning the damn match one year later. Of course, location may have had a lot to do with the change in volume, but the impression I got was that Marella's connection with crowds, both with his intended juvenile audience and the the grownups who were supposed to cheer for guys who didn't make snakes out of their arms, was real and genuine.

It wasn't just the support he got in bigtime matches, like that Rumble or the World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber match the following year when he was arguably the most over guy in the match. He elevated more than enough comedy segments, whether the material he was given was transcendent or cringeworthy. Most of the time, what he got from the writers was closer to the latter than the former. But Glamarella, the Honk-a-Meter, his teaming with Vladimir Kozlov - highlighted by a delightfully absurd tea party segment with Sheamus - and the simple joy the Cobra as his finisher all made his inclusion on whatever show he was on more than worthwhile.

RAW is going to have a pretty big hole to fill when it comes to comic relief. Damien Sandow seemingly is filling it adequately by doing the best possible variant on the impersonation gimmick, but no matter how well anyone fares as a serial cosplayer, the ceiling is pretty low. If anyone on the roster now has his timing, his knack for the moment, his ability to inject some kind of amusing worth into an awful segment, they haven't shown it yet. Hopefully, he'll be able to teach the finer arts of comedy at his wrestling school up in his native Canada (FOURTH WALL! FOURTH WALL!). Having your body force you into retirement sucks, but I guess nearly a decade of Santino Marella is better than none of him at all. Thanks for the memories, and Godspeed.

The piledriver is illegal in WWE nowadays. The move certainly has the most risk attached to it of all the big time moves, and to be honest, the company has gotten along pretty well with it used sparingly and usually in the tombstone fashion by either one of the Brothers of Destruction. But I find something beautiful in an old school Memphis piledriver executed by the master, Jerry Lawler. Lawler has claimed to never have hurt anyone with it, and I'd tend to believe him. He's an old pro. But that doesn't mean his classic head drop doesn't look like it hurts.

The Bullet Club celebrates following one of New Japan's best PPVs this year

New Japan Pro Wrestling's last big PPV before the the G1 Climax delivered a lot more than most were expecting. The card didn't inspire much enthusiasm going into the show what with all three of the main events featuring the less than reliable Bullet Club and the World Champion wrestling in a tag team match. But despite some of the more questionable choices the company has made recently, it ended up being one of their best shows this year, both in terms of match quality and booking. Let's take a look at the show match by match to see where the company succeeded and where they might need some work.

1) (IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship) The Young Bucks (c) vs Time Splitters:
Firstly, I would like point out that Alex Shelley has, for some reason, grown a really gammy rat's tail, à la Lance Storm in 1997. So... yeah look out for that in this match and shake your head accordingly. Anyway, this was a great opener with the usual spectacular athleticism that you would expect from these two teams but with some absolutely spot on timing that makes all the cool stuff they did even more effective. There was a great spot where Shelley rolled towards Kushida with the intention of tagging him in but Nick Jackson was there a microsecond earlier to yank his partner of the apron. Just perfect execution of a really simple move that the crowed gasped for. In the end, Time Splitters regained the belts which are, as of writing, one of only two championships not held by the Bullet Club. More on that later.

2) Tetsuya Naito vs Tama Tonga:
This match was five minutes of nothingness and sorta indicative of Naito's whole direction after coming back. The guy was so damn popular before he got injured but for whatever reason the crowd just didn't latch onto him like they did the first time around. Perhaps it was because they had him feud against arguably the two hottest stars at the time, Kazuchika Okada and Tomohiro Ishii and simply couldn't compete with their popularity. Anyway, regardless of why the crowd isn't so into him I think a heel turn would be the best way to go. There's too many baby faces in the main event scene at the moment and we could probably do with some bad guys who aren't in the Bullet Club. Until that happens though, he's stuck in boring filler matches like this.

3) Hirooki Goto and Katsuyori Shibita vs Yuji Nagata and Tomoaki Honma:
Welcome to Potatoville, ladies and gentlemen. Keep your limbs inside the vehicle or they're likely to be ripped off. This was a gloriously stiff brawl featuring the four toughest shit-kickers in the company. I like how they're utilizing Honma, I mean if he's never going to be pushed and win matches than you may as well use him like the first boss in a video game. Let him be beaten by everyone that you like. He can put up a hell of a convincing fight and always make someone looking better leaving than they did coming in. Similarly, Goto and Shibita are about as legit as you get wrestling, and if Goto's window of opportunity to win the heavyweight title has passed then New Japan should very seriously consider putting the belt on Shibita. He is approaching 35 but the crowd totally buys into him. I would go as far to say that he's a dark horse candidate to win the G1 Climax.

4) (NWA World Tag Team Championship) TenKoji (c) vs Killer Elite Squad:
Last year the remnants of the post-NWA Hollywood version of the National Wrestling Alliance "invaded" New Japan which was only slightly less pathetic than the WWF "invasion" from 1998. Basically what it meant was we got to see Rob Conway in a bunch of shitty matches defending a title that couldn't possibly mean less. And in addition to the oh so prestigious World Title featured on New Japan cards, the tag titles were thrown in to mix too, currently held by the long running tag team of Hiroyoshi Tenzan and Satoshi Kojima.

The match surprised me because it was actually pretty good. We've seen these two teams face off a bunch of times and the pairing never amounted to much since KES kinda need to be ring with smaller, faster paced guys and Tenzan is well past his prime. But here they managed to pull off a fairly exciting match with quick action and some good near-falls. We got to see a title change to boot. This marks the first time I've ever enjoyed a NWA match on a NJPW show.

5) (NJPW Junior Heavyweight Championship) Kota Ibushi (c) vs Ricochet:
This was the big payoff to the less-than-stellar Best of the Super Juniors tournament from last month and God damn it was awesome. It was an absolutely stellar match that had the fans completely hooked. Ricochet does get on my nerves sometimes, but here I had no complaints about anything he did. Ibushi on the other hand I am convinced is one of he most exciting wrestlers in the world to watch. A lot like Hiroshi Tanahashi, there's almost never a singles match he has where I'm not enthralled. Unfortunately, I guess he's at the end of his current short stint with the company as he recently lost the title to Kushida. Irrespective of who actually holds the title though, the juniors division is certainly night and day compared to last year.

6) Takashi Iizuka and Minoru Suzuki vs Toru Yano and Kazushi Sakuraba:
This was another match in the interminable Chaos vs Suzukigun feud which has expanded to now include Sakuraba who really has plummeted since his return in 2012. I had such high hopes for the guy after his incredible match at WrestleKingdom 7 but then again he was wrestling Shinsuke Nakamura, who probably carried him like a baby in a pram. At least he isn't having horrid faux-MMA style matches against the Gracie Family any more. As for the other three competitors, Takashi Iizuka has routinely been one of my least favourite aspects of any show he's been apart since I started watching puroresu, and Suzuki and Yano are basically the Japanese Kofi Kingsotn and Dolph Ziggler. They've been feuding for what feels like forever. It's not that they're not talented (Suzuki has received a five star rating from Meltzer) but they have no chemistry and will not stop wrestling each other.

The match itself was garbage but I expected no less. Just endless choking and flailing around with no attempt to add drama or tell a story. I suppose it's a good thing though that all the worst aspects of any New Japan show were all compacted into one match.

7) Tomohiro Ishii and Kazuchika Okada vs Yujiro Takahashi and AJ Styles:
AJ Styles isn't over and that's a serious problem. He's the IWGP World Heavyweight Champion and one of the heads of the most important stable in Japanese wrestling today. The crowd just don't react to him like they should. I'm beginning to warm up to the Bullet Club, but Styles is no Prince Devitt, neither in popularity or skill, in my opinion. And when considering the amount of tickets they sold to the last PPV at the Yokohama arena, he's not real draw either. But with that said, this was a really fun tag match even if the crowd didn't fully buy into the heels. Ishii and Okada, despite losing their belts (Ishii lost the Never Openweight title to Takahashi soon afterwards) are both still red hot and had no problem getting the fans into the action. However, the deflated finish with Takahashi pinning Ishii out of nowhere was kinda disappointing.

8) (IWGP Tag Team Championship) Hiroshi Tanahashi and Togi Makabe vs Karl Anderson and Doc Gallows (c):
A great match that made me realize that I don't still have channel changing hate the Bullet Club. Sure they're still 50% composed of TNA rejects but they're having good matches and they act like fucking dickheads just enough to make me want to see them lose. That's a success, right? And what's more, they're the best kind of heels in that they can win clean if they really want to but prefer to cheat if the going gets tough. That's superb booking. Gedo and Jado deserve a lot of credit for the fine line they've walked with this group with only a few failures so far like the aforementioned Styles. Gallows and Anderson won clean as a whistle in the second of a trifecta of victories for da' club.

9) (IWGP Intercontinental Championship) Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs Bad Luck Fale:
Isn't it fascinating how if you treat a championship like it's important the fans will react to it like it's important? The Intercontinental Championship was introduced during the NJPW excursion to the states a few years ago and after a bunch of stellar title defenses involving Nakamura, it's now treated as almost as important as the world title, hell it even main-evented last years WrestleKingdom.

I've yet to really make my mind up on Fale. New Japan really wants him to be the next gaijin monster, like Vader or Stan Hansen, but I just don't see that kind of potential in him. Regardless, however of how talented I think he is, the company is determined to make the guy a star and lo and behold here he is beating Shinsuke Nakamura, clean to win the IC title. The match was great as one can only expect from Nakamura who sold Fale's should-probably-look-like-it-hurts-more offense like he was getting hit with grenades and lost clean in the end. Afterwards The Bullet Club celebrated their most successful night in the company so far.

That about wraps up this review. In closing, the highlights of the show were definitely the juniors matches which really makes me happy to know that division has gotten back on track. As for the main events, they belonged entirely to The Bullet Club who decisively won a string of mostly exciting back to back matches. The next PPV will be the first day of the 2014 G1 Climax. The card for that show looks pretty bloody great although if you're a newcomer to puro it might not be the best place to start. In the meantime though Dominion 2014 gets an easy recommendation from me.

This really did happen and it was fantastic Photo Credit: WWE.com

It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Wrestling Links:

- The Best and Worst of RAW: Un-Bo-Lieva-Bull [With Spandex]

- Diva Reconstruction [Voices of Wrestling]

- Question: What do WWE have in store for Emma? [The Only Way Is Suplex]

- The End of an Era [False Underdog]

- Link retires from adventuring, takes up wrestling [Kotaku]

- Vintage Best and Worst: World War 3 1996 [With Leather]

- 10 Count! All-American Attire [Old School Jabronis]

- TNA Impact (July 3) Review [Voices of Wrestling]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- Epic Brazil/Germany blowout will never be matched again [Wide Left]

- Statistical proof that Lionel Messi is the best soccer player on earth [io9]

- Former Megadeth guitarist's journey into Japanese pop [NPR]

- Strangelove in Philadelphia [The Classical]

- Here is (ALL OF) Prince Fielder's body [SB Nation]

- Thank God (yes, THAT God) for the women of the Supreme Court [Jezebel]

- Seriously, TV personalities and comedians, stay off Twitter [Pajiba]

- A guide to the dark, 420 Simpsons remix on Twitter [Gawker]

- Women post awful tales of workplace harassment on anonymous website [Jezebel]

- The solution to a drab season: Every team gets a sequel! [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

- Potato salad Kickstarter reaches goal, promises better mayonnaise [Polygon]

- Lower income New Yorkers given thousands of pounds of haute cuisine [Kitchenette]

- How to make macaroni salad, the least you can do [The Concourse]

- The Crupcake [Dude Foods]

- KHL goes from threat to nyet to NHL [Puck Daddy]

- The 25 Best X-Men Characters [Dorkly]

- No, it's not okay to see dumb movies like Transformers [Film Drunk]

Let's just come out and address a piece of vocabularial popcorn that gets stuck between the molars of me and all the other poor afflicted former copy editors, Journalism degree holders, and fellow word nerds out there who flinch like beaten dogs when they see "accept" instead of "except" and the like. This thing Sheamus and Alberto del Rio have been doing for the past few years?  It's plenty entertaining when it's not racially cringeworthy, and it's lead to a string of matches including the crown jewel of this week's Main Event that bottom out at above average and scrape the ceiling of almost great.

What it's not is a rivalry or a feud.  Those have alternating winners.  There's a give-and-take inherit, like a coin flip between evenly matched oppositional forces where the wind blows one way, somebody makes a huge mistake or catches a big break, and then there's a winner.  Alberto del Rio might be comforted to know when he speaks it reminds some viewers of Jay-Z, but not if their response to seeing him is to laugh at the idea of him holding a Championship followed by cackling "we don't believe you, you need more people".  It was a matter of when and not if A-Hova would be stopping a Brogue Kick with his jaw on this Tuesday; as it played out it took three (yes, three) segments in a Last Man Standing match with Big Irish to get there.

That being said, this match was one of their better ones in the series, and might go on the short list of their 99th percentile from a sheer match quality perspective.  The idea of a fight about to occur being so vicious between guys who were smacktalking each other for two minutes beforehand somehow quelling itself long enough for pre-match introductions was quickly submerged in the opening fisticuffs that ensued.  It's a lawless environment, and that should be played up especially given the rarity of Championship matches on WWEME and this being the first time there was a stipulation in play on the level of a Last Man Standing codicil.  With the international flavor at play here you could see things tighter than usual and more bombs being thrown: kendo sticks, the announce table, and several parts of the barrier came into play before the first commercial break even rolled.  From there the violence escalated with Sheamus winning all the minibrawls that broke out as Del Rio armed himself with the kendo stick and tried to weather the storm brought by the Pale Horse.  By the end you were seeing crazy things like basement superkick/chair shot combo platters, but in the end Del Rio only had himself to blame for his undoing.  It's A Last Man Standing match, not a Last Man Armwrestling one, and putting on the Code Red was one of those things that easily led to him getting eventually one-arm bombed through a table Sheamus had worked into the ring earlier in S3. Truth be told it was more than a little surprising to see Alberto beat that count, but then again if he had he couldn't've gotten the two-step alarm that goes off at Brogue O'Clock, you know?

With that nearly taking up half the program it was unsurprising that the little bit that followed was also of a satisfactory if ultimately predictable nature.  Well, mostly enjoyable: it may've taken a five-on-one handicap match against Nikki Bella, and her embracing the heelish nature overlayed onto her by large subsets on the audience but watching Eva Marie on offense and winning a match with a DDT off of a blind tag suggests the sort of dogs and cats living hysteria mass living together that Dan Murray was talking about in that movie with the giant Mrs. Buttersworth.  Left to their own devices in this further Authortatorship overreach Naomi and Natalya opted to participate in the match by not while Eva, Summer Rae, and Rosa Mendes shrugged their shoulders because they had to get paid, y'all. Given the setup it was borderline brilliant and hilarious watching Nikki actually get it in when it came to the opening offense for the first :30 or so only to get into the bad part of town where all her opponents were and then not seeing daylight again even with 33% of the team not participating and the other 17% (Cameron) waiting until after she'd gotten pinned to literally run out, cheapshot Nattie into Naomi, and then run away when the latter chased her.

The feel-good moments would continue as the Highlight Reel main evented with Chris Jericho and Bret Hart having a mutual appreciation society in front of a packed house of Ottawa...ians?  Tonians?  Ites?  Irregardless, the people of the capital city were more than fine with two generations of Canadian wrestling excellence in front of them.  About the only thing that could ruin the moment was Shawn Michaels.  And he didn't.  Damien Sandow, Cosplayer to the Stars, however, did.  And even his ruining only could last so long before he got his beard punched and his legs Sharpshootered.  Music up with a swell, final credits, and now a few scenes of C.M. Punk's Money in the Bank wins to hype up the free week of WWE Network and lead to a thousand horrible thinkpieces that'll go up over the course of the rest of the week that'll do nothing in the long run but further point out the fact this week the WWE Network is free.

Now, watching 11 hours straight of awesome wrestling v. going outside for fresh air and interacting with other human beings?  Now that's a rivalry.

CM Punk continues to be one of the main characters on Raw– even in absentia.  When Paul Heyman appears, he’s accompanied by a guy who is cool, but decidedly “not Punk.”  Crowds chant Punk’s name at least once per episode.  And as fun and talented as AJ is, to substantial number of fans, she’s now known as “Punk’s wife.”

Six months after getting okie-doked by El Torito at the Royal Rumble and vanishing, Punk still has his hooks in us

.gif-set via spearrings.tumblr.com

Just lulling everyone to sleep, yes, that's it... Photo Credit: WWE.com

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's one thing I've learned in my years following the wacky world of professional wrestling, it's that all stories and gimmicks - even those that seem the most ridiculous - have an end point. It might be short-lived (Beaver Cleavage comes to mind), or it might take a while to get there (and in these cases, it's always Hornswoggle), but eventually everything ends and begins anew.

This business with Damien Sandow is surely no different, but what is the end game?

I mean, jeez, Sandow is basically pro wrestling's Frank Caliendo at this point, and absolutely NO ONE takes that guy seriously. The last time he wrestled a match as "Damien Sandow" was mid-May, if I'm not mistaken, and by that point he had already portrayed Evil Santa and Magneto. Since then, he's come out as famous fictional characters, original fictional characters, historical figures, local athletes, wrestling legends, and Vince McMahon.

Now, I don't think I need to tell you how silly this whole thing has been. Sure, there's a place in wrestling for comedy, but that place has been occupied nicely by Santino Marella of late. With Marella's retirement from in-ring action, that torch should be passed on to Los Matadores and El Torito. Wrestling comedy should be carried out by babyfaces, because heel comedy acts like Sandow lately are just weird. The guy's too much like Wile E. Coyote to be considered a serious threat.

Considering Sandow came into the WWE as "The Intellectual Savior of the Masses," it wouldn't be the least bit surprising if this was all part of an elaborate scheme to catch an opponent unsuspecting somewhere down the road. Maybe Sandow went back to the ol' drawing board, and plotted out a course of action to elevate his status in the WWE. By making himself intentionally look inept, Sandow may have the WWE roster right where he wants them.

A man of Sandow's genius would no doubt have read The Art of War by Sun Tzu. And as we all know, one of the central themes of this philosophical tome is "Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."

Hmmmmmmmm...

Although he may be fighting (and losing) (a lot), Sandow is lulling his opponents into a false sense of security. He's just that smart. Currently, Sandow has a mere three televised victories in 2014 - and two of those came against Sin Cara. Perhaps after four months of eating three counts, Sandow decided to change things up. Put on a silly costume, become a laughingstock, forfeit any and all respect he might have earned from winning a Money In The Bank contract, and lie in wait. He's been knocked out on consecutive nights in Canada by a 57-year-old stroke victim for cryin' out loud - NOBODY is going to try and resist him now.

The trick here is for Sandow to finish the plan before the WWE Universe completely loses all faith in him as anything more than a comedian. Otherwise, it's all for naught. I'm assuming that Sandow has never met 3.0 or Archie Peck, so it's a safe bet that a new time machine is currently being constructed so we can go back to last summer, before the failed cash-in, before the costumes.

Professional wrestling and comic books are similar in many ways. This is the first in the series illustrating and comparing the two. I start with serialization, the largest thread connecting them.

A serial is a series of stories that connect to tell a long overarching plot, released in installments or episodes. It is a somewhat modern invention, at least in the grand scheme of history. The advent of printing press, and the ability to mass produce and print paper cheaply allowed for it to flourish in the 19th Century. Written serialized fiction gave birth to pulp magazines, which went on to influence the origins of comic books. With the birth of radio came the creation of the soap opera, radio dramas with ongoing stories and characters, named that because soap companies were often the sponsors. They were written largely for women because they were the target demographic for buying soap. These were the first serialized drama in this new medium, and several of them transitioned to television, with some running over fifty years. This serialized nature is often why professional wrestling is called a “male soap opera”.

Television has seen trends of serialized programs come and go. There were a wave of programs in the 80's dubbed “night-time soaps” such as Dallas and Dynasty that were tremendously popular. We are seeing a revitalization of that trend now, with Mad Men, Game of Thrones, and The Walking Dead. Each of those shows is deeply rooted in continuity. As how many television shows there are, the most successful ones are self-contained, each episode telling a singular story that requires almost no foreknowledge, allowing a viewer to jump in and out. Many television executives lament the recent rise of serialization as they believe it keeps new viewers out, strictly limiting a show's audience.

Serialized stories, by their very nature, are steeped in continuity. Comic books are famous (or infamous), for this. Many of the stories rely on knowledge of the characters, their origins, histories, and how they intertwine. Wrestling is no different. The recent rebirth of Evolution is a prescient example. The new group itself wasn't that fascinating in and of itself, but the difference in the roles of HHH and Randy Orton certainly were. Seeing Wolverine and Cyclops clash now over their ideological differences means more when you know that they have switched archetypes. Wolverine, the once wild animal, embodied the peaceful Professor Xavier, while the staid leader Cyclops took over the role of the revolutionary Magneto. Knowing their characters' histories makes the story that much interesting. Both modern comics and wrestling try to shortcut this knowledge to the audience with devices like recap pages in comics and video packages in wrestling. Even with those, there is a certain level of implied understood knowledge in both the comics and wrestling audience.

The most difficult part of serialization is keeping the audiences attention. RAW generally ends on something big, something attempting impactful, wanting the audience to tune in again next week. Comic books do the same thing, with writers generally scripting the stories so that the big, dramatic beats of a story end an issue, leaving the reader wanting more. The best writers script each issue the same way, on a minor scale, with the bigger beats within that issue placed before page flips. An episode of RAW is much the same (ideally), with commercial breaks in the place of page turns. This is one of the reasons the swerve became such a prevalent trope in modern (post 1996) wrestling.

The best wrestling storylines use both of these facts to enhance the story. The Summer of Punk II used both the histories of CM Punk and John Cena to color its story and allow the dramatic beats to propel the action from episode to episode. The same can be said for most comic stories. Civil War, as an example, used the history of Captain America brilliantly as he was now fighting the government instead of fighting for it. However, the ending of both illustrate a problem, probably the biggest problem with both comics and wrestling, namely that serialized dramas are bad at endings. The ongoing nature of the story requires a next chapter, which most often is just a return to the status quo. Cena is champion again, and Cap is fighting for America again.

Endings, however, can come in a lot of different forms. The most easily implemented in wrestling is the big blow-off match, with one character triumphant and one defeated, each of them going their separate ways. However, it doesn't have to be that simple, and the WWE can look at the best comic books, and the best of their own stories, to see how simply allowing a character to change, learn, and/or evolve can be enough of an ending on its own. Giving a character a small arc of growth over a span of a year is often enough to satisfy that need. Comic companies are often forced to keep characters going simply because of their popularity, and this is no different in wrestling. Sometimes the biggest opponent of good storytelling in both comics and wrestling isn't lack of imagination, but the almighty dollar. Death in comic books and retirement in wrestling are both impermanent, as long as a return of a favored character can also bring enough money. Balancing the audience's need for change and catharsis versus the demand for persistent, popular characters is the most difficult creative challenge for both wrestling and comics.

Serialized storytelling is a unique format, one that is coming back into vogue. Wrestling and comics are two of the longest practitioners in it, and when executed ideally, it creates an interesting ongoing story that allows for us to follow beloved characters over a long period of time, watching their growth and evolution. When done badly, it creates stagnation, redundancy, and storytelling steeped in marketing and profit, instead of in entertainment.

Being the independent wrestling promotion that they are, the West Coast Wrestling Connection has a very small budget which forces them to record multiple episodes of PDX TV in one day. This episode is the third of the four that they taped in early June 2014, and both wrestlers and fans in the audience alike showed some major fatigue. Despite their best efforts the episode lagged, saved only by a segment dedicated to Portland TV of years past.

This week involved more build up toward the DDT Challenge between Danny Duggan, representing The Grappler, and Jeremy Blanchard, standing in for Jake "The Snake" Roberts. While the appearance of Roberts in a WCWC ring has sold tickets and caused the crowd to grow immensely for this taping, it also stalled the creative direction for the entire promotion. This DDT Challenge was the first, second, and third thing that is brought up by the commentators during other matches, and the rules even hadn't even been made clear. It would've been okay if Roberts could still perform on the mic like he did in his prime in the WWE, but unfortunately his voice has become hoarse and hard to understand during in-ring promos opposite The Grappler and in backstage packages with Blanchard.

Despite all of those issues, it was still exciting to see Roberts alive and engaging in the ring again. It became even more exciting to know that he was doing this all the way up in Portland, OR for a promotion that is lesser known among the indies. The angle was clunky and had its flaws, but how much more can you expect from the bookers when they have to come up with an entire month's worth of stories and then execute them in a matter of a few hours? Things change, different minds have different thoughts and there is no allotted time for gauging the interest of the crowd and changing an angle if necessary. The Grappler, Roberts, and everyone else are doing the best they can with this feud, but it is a blessing for all involved that there is only one more episode revolving around the DDT Challenge.

Due to the lack of new material for this episode, and partly to honor the rich history of Professional Wrestling in Portland, a segment from an old episode of Portland Wrestling was shown. Portland Wrestling was the name of the local TV taping that ran from 1953-1991. That show featured popular wrestlers such as Rowdy Roddy Piper and Buddy Rose among others. It garnered a loyal following during its run. The segment that was shown in this episode involved Piper appearing on Rose's talk show segment called the "Rose Garden" where the heel Rose wanted Piper to leave the company forever after taking a sabbatical to film a movie, labeling him a "quitter." The biggest takeaway from the segment was how large of a response these two men generated from the audience. It was a blessing in disguise that there was a lack of in-ring entertainment to take time in this episode, because watching Piper and Rose go back and forth on the mic while the crowd roared its approval was exhilarating.

Being a wrestling fan in my mid-20's, I'm starting to wonder more and more about the Territorial Era and especially the way the crowd marked out for angles and promos. If the "Rose Garden" was a true sign of what it was like in that era, I'm sad I missed out. There is a purity in the work that was done by Piper and Rose (and the few supporting players that they had in the segment) where they were all in a zone. They all knew what would get the crowd to pop, they all knew how to give and receive the remarks that were flying by, and they never broke character. Now I love the "Reality Era" as much as any one else, but there is a joy in seeing someone give their whole being to a performance without having to worry about what lines the writers created for them and not feel the need to add a knowing reference to what is going on in the "dirt sheets" or on Twitter. When performers fully commit, that is when performances become transcendent.

This upcoming week the DDT Challenge finally happens and then the following week the episodes that I was able to attend live will premiere. I hope to add a separate piece in addition to the next review about my experience visiting the "Historic" Bob White Theater on a hot Saturday in July, so look out for that. Until then, keep supporting the indies.

It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday morning. Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

@tholzerman#tweetbag prime liger or prime danielson?
— Okori Wadsworth (@OkoriWadsworth) July 9, 2014

What would one define as "prime" either guy? Regardless, I haven't seen "prime" Liger as I've only seen him in spot duty in WCW and other American excursions, but one could argue that Bryan Danielson/Daniel Bryan had two peaks. His Ring of Honor Championship run happened during at time when I wasn't even watching WWE let alone the indies, but I would argue that his stretch between Extreme Rules 2012 and WrestleMania XXX could perhaps be the best run of any pro wrestler in WWE history. WWE has had some excellent wrestlers pass through its ranks, and having to choose Bryan among a pool that has two highly-regarded Shawn Michaels runs, Bret Hart, Randy Savage, Kurt Angle, and even John Cena, but Bryan arguably revolutionized singles wrestling in WWE and helped define trios wrestling as a regular opponent of The Shield. It's a shame that his career hangs in the balance now, but man, what a run he had, what a mind-blowingly tremendous two year span he spent redefining art.

@tholzerman What are the wrestling specific precautions a parent should take when having wrestling on for kids? #TweetBag
— Joe (@jkearns4949) July 9, 2014

I think the best course of action is to tell children right off the bat that wrestling is a staged endeavor. The old kayfabe is dead, and quite frankly, I'm glad it is. You don't need to be defrauded into believing something is legitimate competition to know in your heart what you're seeing is real or feels real. I would advise teaching children to appreciate wrestling as an art, but as a special kind of art that relies on their participation and suspension of disbelief. Once they understand that the wrestlers aren't intentionally hurting each other, then I would probably go hard on letting them know not to repeat the stuff they see on TV in real life or at least without adult supervision. Raising wrestling fans takes a lot of work.

@tholzerman Is there any undercard guy that could honestly be helped by being a Paul Heyman guy?
— Trey Irby (@BadLuckFalTrey) July 9, 2014

Not a chance. Heyman may be a great promo still, but I don't think he's helped anyone who hasn't already been established since the Dangerous Alliance, which I'm not sure is a function of him changing as a mic man or whether it was more a circumstance of the times. Could he tweak his style and get guys over? Maybe, since Curtis Axel's failings were evident in the booking from his first appearance under his new name, and since Cesaro was failed the moment he was a Heyman guy because his advocate decided to talk about Brock Lesnar for a month before even mentioning his other client. However, WWE seems to go with what it thinks works. Heyman draws reactions for what his shtick is, and if that is in Vince McMahon's or Kevin Dunn's or Triple H's comfort zone, then they're not going to change what they think works. Meanwhile, once Creative finally pisses on the ashes of that smoldering fire that was destined to break out after WrestleMania for Cesaro, it's not Heyman who's going to get the blame. WWE's lucky to have the immense resources it has, because any lesser company would be a dumpster fire with the poor decisions it makes.

@tholzerman what's the what's the what's the scenario?
— That Enrico Palazzo (@Enrico_Palazzo_) July 9, 2014

Fourth down and eight at the other team's 45. 2:05 left on the clock, down three, only one timeout left. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

(You know I'm going to do this every time you submit lyrics from A Tribe Called Quest, right?)

@tholzerman Thoughts on the ‘Cena is the greatest WWE Champion of all time’ meme WWE’s trying to create?
— Complete Shot! (@Complete_Shot) July 9, 2014

WWE is a company that thinks that if it tells you what you're watching is the greatest shit ever, then you'll be more inclined to keep watching it. The talking points are centered around the false grandeur, which is why everything's historic and not a shred of historical perspective is to be found. That being said, if THAT talking point is what sticks in your craw the most watching WWE today, then I'd have to question your priorities.

@tholzerman Bo Dallas: Great gimmick or greatest gimmick? But real question: can you see him as top guy in WWE? Love him, but hard to see...
— Dirty Rasslin (@DirtyRasslin) July 9, 2014

The truth of the matter is that being a top guy in WWE rarely is ever a matter of having "it" and having "it" alone. Whether that mythical quality is immortal mic skills, sublime in-ring talent, superior presence, superlative body language, or some combination of all of the above, the most immortal stars in history needed some kind of luck to get where they were headed. Hulk Hogan had to be jerked around by the AWA. Ric Flair had to survive a plane crash. Bret Hart needed George Zahorian to put heat on the steroid users. Steve Austin needed Triple H to get in trouble for breaking kayfabe. Daniel Bryan had to lose in front of a crowd of hardcore fans in humiliating fashion and then for CM Punk to quit. Meanwhile, other guys like Brian Pillman and Art Barr and Del "The Patriot" Wilkes and everyone else who had some form of excellence attached to them but didn't make it for whatever reason, be it injury or whatever, outnumber the ones who did by a staggering number.

But the question you posed was more or less whether Dallas has that mythical "it" to make it given a break or two, and I think he can break through. His ironic ins-BO-rational character has a footing with the assholes in the crowd like you and me, and big stars in wrestling nowadays have to resonate with the vocal hardcore contingent first before spreading throughout the rest of the crowd. I also think he's got the tools to become an adequate at least WWE main event wrestler. He just needs a break, but sometimes, even the best prospects can't get lucky enough to burst on through.

@tholzerman Will we ever see a resurgence of chain/rope matches in WWE? Should we? Why do they never use them? #tweetbag
— boxwatcher (@boxwatcher) July 9, 2014

Maybe WWE will do a bullrope match again if Stardust ever becomes Cody Rhodes again and embraces his daddy's Texas roots. A chain match, however, seems to be too violent for WWE's milieu anymore. While some Attitude Era strains are seeping back into the show, I think the company knows it would be a mistake if they soaked itself in blood again, not just for health reasons, but for its TV-PG rating (which, I remind everyone, is necessary to keep new fans coming in). The visual of metal on flesh also seems a lot more jarring and violent than regular rope (unless said rope was around the neck).

@tholzerman Was the problem with the TNA World Cup of wrestling the idea of a World Cup of Wrestling or that TNA was trying to do it?
— Rich Thomas (@earthdog) July 9, 2014

The World Cup's problems mixed both. You can't do a World Cup if most of the members of your roster are from one country. You'd truly have to have an international promotion or a precarious peace between several promotions in different countries. The one promotion that can pull a World Cup off might be New Japan Pro Wrestling because it has a strong gaijin roster and working relationships with promotions in several countries outside of its native land. Of course, anything TNA tries to execute will turn to shit because the people in charge love ripping off other companies, implementing convoluted rules, and pushing the exact wrong person at the wrong time.

@tholzerman Provided there are zero in-ring medical concerns, where do you stand on one last Kurt Angle WWE run? #TweetBag
— Star of Savage (@StarOfSavage) July 9, 2014

Regardless of whether he could go in the ring or not, I have no real desire to see Angle in WWE again. The Kurt Angle who wore the tiny cowboy hat and preached the three "I"s and was the epitome of the paradoxical phrase "goofy badass" is dead. Never coming back. If Angle returns to WWE, he'll be just as he left it, the prototype of the kind of character Davey Richards epitomizes nowadays. I don't want or need that in any company, let alone one I dedicate at least four hours a week watching if not more. This Kurt Angle seems to be the guy who wants to be seen as the toughest guy in the room, who wishes he'd gone into MMA instead of pro wrestling, who just isn't palatable to me anymore. He's just about as desirable to me as...

@tholzerman Do you think Sting should come to WWE programming and not just as a character for WWE 2K15?
— Marc Schlicht & Groß (@DasNordlicht91) July 9, 2014

...this guy! If I had my druthers, Sting would get his Hall of Fame induction, his DVD set, and then get trotted out for random legends appearances and that's it. He has nothing to offer me anymore outside of viewing into the past when he wasn't broken down or his character wasn't spent. But then again, Sting is the only WCW guy who hasn't had a run on WWE television. Even Eric Bischoff was a recurring character for years. I get the feeling that Sting will get his victory lap on WWE TV at some point, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

@tholzerman Which major league baseball player would you "draft" into the WWE with the goal of being the next WWE World Heavyweight Champ?
— Sarah (@MrsKillerRoo) July 9, 2014

Everyone in baseball, from the chiseled superathletes like steroid-era Alex Rodriguez to the more Rubenesque players such as Prince Fielder (not meant as an insult, obvs, he represents people of my body type with pride), has the athletic chops to transition into wrestling. But who has the personality? Brandon McCarthy is a sardonic dynamo on Twitter, but would he be suited more to be the heir apparent to Santino Marella rather than the man who could defeat John Cena? Yasiel Puig has mad charisma, but how much of his "heeling" is due to unreasonable crusty old sportswriter standards for people of color and not natural asshole quotient? Brian Wilson has personality, but he's way too weird for WWE's consumption. A-Rod and Barry Bonds both could play off the aloof, vitriolic villain roles, but they're both too old for WWE. Maybe TNA could give them a shot?

But if you put me on the spot, I would go with Brian McCann. Sure, he's up there in years, and playing catcher may have put hell on his knees. However, like Batista, he could be a late bloomer. He certainly has the ornery temperament to get over with crowds, and he's polarizing enough in baseball to assume he can generate the same kind of dueling chants that Cena does. Plus, I'd love to see him eat a discus lariat from Luke Harper. For my own amusement.

@tholzerman Out of the three "big" rumored WWE signings (Devitt, Steen, KENTA), who do u think has the best future w them?
— Joshua Browns (@JB_Shakes) July 9, 2014

All three have big hypothetical negatives working against them. Devitt runs the risk of being "the other Irishman" or "Sheamus' little buddy," because everyone knows WWE can only have white Americans represented en masse at any given time. Steen is not the right body type for a WWE main event guy, although Bray Wyatt's success and the impending Dime Store Eddie Kingston Bull Dempsey push in NXT might bode well for diverse body types in the future. WWE's abysmal track record for promoting Japanese-born wrestlers factors against KENTA. And just for posterity's sake, Willie Mack will run into the same problems literally every black WWE employee in history not named The Rock has. OF course, all four are immensely talented in their own ways. I'll go with the devil I know and say Steen has the best chance, only because I've seen him the most and know that what he can do translates to a WWE ring better than the snippets of what I've seen from Devitt and KENTA. Regards to Mack, he's similar to Steen only with less seasoning. In a perfect world, all four would be huge in WWE within five years, but of the group, Steen seems best-fitted for success.

@tholzerman why isn’t LeBron in BOLA
— Steve Hummer (@HummerX) July 10, 2014

Because he's going to join the Bullet Club (hail Hydra) and he's just too sweet to be in some ramshackle tournament.

@tholzerman Wasn't it nice of Sting to remind us of the 30 year anniversary of Black Saturday in pro wrestling?
— Brian Coulter (@PhilaBCoulter) July 10, 2014

The above is honestly the best explanation for his cryptic 7.7.14 tweet yet. You win a gold star.

@tholzerman Is there anyone out there in the Indies that you believe PWG is missing out on for BOLA?
— George Mucus (@georgemucus) July 10, 2014

For as stacked a 24 man field as BOLA is this year, it's totally missing wrestlers. In fact, my beef with how the field was filled out is one that's as old as when I used to write for Cageside Seats. The lack of women (especially since Candice LeRae is a bona fide main event talent in the promotion RIGHT NOW) and native SoCal wrestlers in the fray is pretty disappointing to me. Granted, arguing for taking a guy like Biff Busick or Matt Sydal out of the tournament to insert Adam Thornstowe or Famous B might sound insane to the casual ear. NO doubt the 24 people assembled for the tournament have some kind of hook nationally. PWG is trying to sell DVDs nationwide, and I can't hate them for it. But PWG didn't get famous by being the West Coast repository for every huge name on the East Coast indie scene. It always had a mix between the Roderick Strongs and Low Kis of the world along with the Chris Boshes and Scott Losts. The company made stars alongside importing them in from other parts of the country. That starmaking power has fallen to the wayside a bit, not for lack of talent, mind you. Willie Mack should've gone out of PWG on top, but instead, he's leaving with a relative whimper. Granted, LeRae may be coholder of the Tag Team Championships by BOLA weekend, and she's already been announced in a HUGE three-way tag match with Joey Ryan against the Inner City Machine Guns and Bad Influence.

I know I'm being hypocritical here complaining, because when the matches are announced, I salivate. When the DVDs end up dropping, you know I'm going to get all three. PWG is staple viewing for me, more than any other promotion except for WWE and Chikara right now, and I doubt that will ever change. But I want to see them give me someone different to go with all the big indie names that get spammed by Ring of Honor, the Gabe-Land Promotions, and Combat Zone Wrestling, y'know?

@tholzerman#tweetbag you've just been put in charge of the IC and US titles through WM31. What do you do with them?
— Jeff Jeff (@JeffTheJeff) July 10, 2014

Firstly, I am not unifying them. I would never unify them, because each belt can serve a purpose. Second, each belt gets its defined role. The Intercontinental Championship would get the same protection it did from its inception until the Attitude Era. It would become the gatekeeper Champion for the King of the Eternal Midcarders or the Next Big WWE Champion. The title is currently vacant and about to be decided in a battle royale at Battleground, so the possibilities for the wrestler to win it are seemingly endless. Even though Alexander Rusev is primed to square off against Jack Swagger at the event in singles action, I would still insert him in the battle royale and have him win. He would defend it at big events until Survivor Series, when Roman Reigns takes the belt off him. He would then annihilate whomever the Authority places in front of him at TLC before losing it at the Rumble to Cesaro due to interference from said group's Plan B/World Champion, Brock Lesnar, setting up Reigns to win the big battle royale later on in the night. Cesaro would then take the Intercontinental Championship through the Elimination Chamber to WrestleMania XXXI, where Sami Zayn finally gets that big win over the Swiss Superman that he'd been desiring all along.

As for the United States Championship, I would have it be come the de facto Television Championship. It would be defended every week on RAW, sometimes on the other shows as well, and it would be defended at every pay-per-view. Basically, this title would become the Championship for my workhorse, the guys on television that go out and are designated at having great matches every week whether or not they have upward mobility. It would be a goal for both the future main eventers, the current big guys with nothing to do, and the "good hands" who may not have great futures but are good for chewing up 10+ minutes of TV time with entertaining in-ring fare. Sheamus is a great representative for the title now. I'm not sure how I would have it change hands between now and Mania, but the idea of guys like Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, Curtis Axel, Goldust, and Alberto del Rio having a belt to pursue without the pressures of needing to be over or in stories written by dorks who have no idea how to write for them is an enticing concept.

@tholzerman do you think lebron and sting will play together next season
— Violence (@PhilKenSaban) July 10, 2014

The Police do need a rhythm guitarist, imo, can he play?

@tholzerman How does kayfabe, and the understanding thereof, correspond to licensed material (video games, etc.)?
— Ian W. Pugh (@MetaEnthusiast) July 10, 2014

Video games are probably the perfect embodiment of the concept of old kayfabe. Ironically, the electronic simulation of pro wrestling is far more "real" in terms of potential outcomes generated than the actual real thing is (the same with unlicensed fantasy wrestling, known colloquially as "e-fedding"). So, in a game like WWE 2K15, the hate that the Authority and Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose have for each other is far more of a palpable, immutable concept than it is in real life, where it's possible that Triple H and Reigns have knocked back cold ones after a successful taping somewhere inconspicuous. I'm not saying it has happened since I don't know these people personally, but the probability exists.

Of course, new kayfabe is wholly different from the old one in that it is a manipulation of the story to reflect what happens outside of the bounds of story to create subterfuge around what's real and what's not, and I'm not entirely sure how that plays into video games and other licensed material. However, that subject would be a fascinating grounds for a research essay for someone who has more time than I do.

@tholzerman Do you foresee WWE banning the diving headbutt anytime soon, with the Dynamite Kid, Benoit, and now DB situations? #TweetBag
— Bryan Heaton (@Big_Heat_34) July 10, 2014

I would be completely shocked if the move hasn't already been banned and become a fineable offense like the piledriver and unprotected chairshot to the head are right now.

@tholzerman best wrestler, both man and women, from the characters in John Hughes films?
— Jesse Robert Powell (@Jessico09) July 10, 2014

The male character who'd make it best in wrestling would be Uncle Buck, the titular character played by John Candy. He might not win the most titles due to his comedic gimmick, but he'd be hella entertaining and hard to take down because of his size. For the female character, gimme Allison Reynolds from The Breakfast Club. Ally Sheedy's outcast weirdo character would tap into the same counterculture vein that got Jeff Hardy so over, and I would imagine she'd have more than enough tricks up her sleeve to succeed in the ring. She's wily.

@tholzerman#tweetbag#worldcup2014 argentine backbrakervs. germansuplex?
— DominikS. (@Thaliono) July 10, 2014

The German suplex is one of my favorite moves in all of wrestling. The Argentine backbreaker is at its best when it leads to something else. What I'm trying to say is let's go Germany win the World Cup on Saturday!

@tholzerman hard 'w' that looks like two v's, or soft 'w' that looks like balls or a tentacle face?
— Alex (@redunk808) July 10, 2014

The ballsac W is way easier to write, but I prefer to think of it as looking like a nice butt.