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Thank You and Goodnight, Rachel Summerlyn

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An absolute icon is leaving wrestling for good
Photo Credit: Kelly Kyle/Texas Anarchy
Sunday in Austin, TX, Inspire Pro Wrestling will be holding its second event dedicated mostly to its burgeoning XX Division, No Turning Back. The present and future of women's wrestling in Central Texas will be on full display. Mia Yim will challenge for the NWA Women's Championship held by Barbi Hayden. Three more competitors will look to punch their cards for the XX Division Championship match. A slew of talented wrestlers will continue on the neverending quest to prove to everyone that wrestling ability is not bound by gender, but the biggest thing to happen on this show will involve one of the pioneers taking a microphone for the last time and saying goodbye.

Rachel Summerlyn wrestled her final match on February 16, 2013 according to Cagematch, defeating Sami Callihan in front of a raucous Upstate New York crowd for Squared Circle Wrestling. Injuries kept her from the ring initially; she stayed on the sidelines to pursue other things in her life in privacy. Even though she never officially retired before her appearance on Sunday, she quietly has been living life on her own terms, outside the wrestling industry and most importantly away from the bullshit politics and personal strife that had haunted her backstage in the final year or so of her active career. Every decent person deserves peace in their lives, and for the last year, Summerlyn has seemingly gotten that kind of tranquility that she couldn't get haunting the same ruts she had at the end of her career. But for someone as influential, as talented, and as important as she has been to Austin and San Antonio locally and independent wrestling on the whole, she deserved some kind of closure as well.

The hip thing would be to paint Summerlyn's career as some kind of tragically underrated period in time. I don't know how she's perceived nationally, mainly because I've spent the last three-plus years of my wrestling fandom focused in on promotion in Texas like Anarchy Championship Wrestling and Inspire Pro, but it was in that area of the country where her fearlessness and intensity set an example for everyone. From her first match against Mickie Knuckles in IWA Mid-South, where she was thrust into a baptism of fire in the form of deathmatch wrestling, all the way through her gorefests with Scot Summers, she was never afraid to bleed, never afraid to take the big bump, never afraid to toe to toe with whoever it was she tasked herself with wrestling. Gender meant nothing, and because of that, it meant everything. She was every bit as feminine as one might expect from a blonde bombshell and still would knock anyone down a peg or two regardless of who they were.

And even if Ring of Honor or SHIMMER didn't know what kind of performer they had with her, she still left an indentation nationally. ACW for years was a hub for the best wrestlers in the world to cycle through, and up until the beginning of 2013, that promotion was her yard. I would like to think that Sara del Rey came through Austin, saw Summerlyn belly up to the bar against lunks like Summers or psychopaths like Matthew Palmer (and I mean that in the most glowing positive way possible, luv u Centerfold) and thought she could do the same thing up north. Daizee Haze, El Generico, Chris Hero, RD Evans, Portia Perez, Jessicka Havok, all of them came through Texas in some fashion, and they were all indelibly touched by her fire and passion.

That fire and passion isn't dying by any stretch of the imagination; it will just be directed into various areas of her own personal life instead of wrestling. While a great fire is being extinguished in the wrestling world, Summerlyn, like every great performer, has the absolute right to end her career on her own terms. She has given so much to wrestling and honestly has never asked for anything in return but a fair mind to the art she was creating. And for that, I am eternally grateful. She more than anyone changed my mind on what wrestling could be, who could wrestle each other, and what limits and boundaries could be broken. She's forever an icon to me.

And so I say thank you, Rachel. Thank you for putting your blood, sweat, and tears into your work. Thank you for breaking boundaries. Thank you for leaping from the balcony of the Mohawk and making Scot Summers bleed his own blood. Thank you for the prom dresses, for becoming Harley Quinn, and for Cookie Monster. Thank you for sharing your bromance with Jessicka Havok and for sharing your time with me on my podcast. Thank you for everything. Now go enjoy life. You deserve it more than anyone in wrestling that I know.

Somebody Beat Up Ziggler and Maybe I'll Start Caring.

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Ziggler needs to take a cue from the past...
Photo Credit: WWE.com
I want to like Dolph Ziggler more.

He’s really fun to watch. He's fast, funny, bumps around like crazy, and looks like something that Michelangelo carved out of marble. I look forward to seeing Ziggler on Monday nights. But after the initial excitement of his introduction, I really have to make an effort to care about him. He’s stuck in a hamster wheel of good matches that don’t mean much. I’m really trying to care about Ziggler, and it shouldn't be this hard.

Kids, ask your parents grandparents about the Marx Brothers. Back before any of us were born, they were huge movie stars. Even today – 60 years after they were produced – their films are hysterically funny. One of the main reasons for this was Harpo, a gifted physical comedian who played a mute, anarchist harp virtuoso. Since Harpo didn’t talk, and much of his physical comedy was built around playing pranks and being physically aggressive toward other characters, it was difficult for audiences to connect with him emotionally. The Marx Brothers needed to:
  1. Make Harpo sympathetic without using any dialogue
  2. Create situations where it was ok for Harpo to physically assault other characters (this already sounds like an episode of RAW…)
The way they did this was to have something happen to Harpo early in the film to get the audience’s sympathy. Here’s a scene from early in A Night at The Opera. What’s happening is that the evil opera singer has discovered Harpo trying on his costumes:



He hits Harpo with his cane, pushes him against the wall, whips him, and throws him out the door. We immediately know that guy’s a dick.

We also immediately sympathize with Harpo. We’re immediately on his side. And for the rest of the movie we cheer as Harpo carries out his absurdist revenge on the opera singing dick.

It’s tough to argue that CM Punk and Daniel Bryan are the two most interesting WWE performers of the last two or three years. One of the reasons why they were able to capture the fans’ imaginations is that we were able to sympathize with them. When Punk dropped the pipe bomb, despite his inherent smarminess, it was apparent that he was legitimately frustrated. We sympathized with his frustrations.

And Bryan’s narrative positioning, along with his reputation as an undersized technical wizard and indie hero, immediately cast him as an underdog. Again, we sympathized.

The thing that these three examples – Punk, Bryan and Harpo – have in common is that they made audiences sympathetic. And they did that by being vulnerable. Harpo gets beaten, Punk isn’t in the opening credits, Bryan is called a B+ player. They had something to fight for/against. And this made them into cool, compelling characters that interest us.

And that’s my problem with Ziggler – I have no reason to sympathize with him. I don’t know why I should care.

But I know what would make me care. Make him vulnerable. Ziggler’s current storyline with the Miz has the potential to make me care. What if Miz starts calling himself the “show-off” and plays the arrogant and cocky heel? Even more arrogant and cocky than Ziggler? It creates a crisis of confidence for our boy. He’d be vulnerable. He’d have something to fight for. He’d create a reason for me to care.

This shouldn’t be too hard; it’s a show that’s literally built on acts of physical aggression. Somebody needs to beat the crap out of Ziggler, and it should mean something. Ziggler needs to respond to it like a real human being. He needs to not be the "show-off," but a guy who's angry and frustrated, and maybe a little scared. But for whatever reason, it’s not happening with Ziggler. Or a lot of other characters for that matter.

The punchline is that I really want to care. But the WWE needs to give me a reason to.

The Polling Place: Rollins and MitB, G1 Climax, Ray Rice

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Will he EVER get to cash it in?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to the Polling Place, where I give you multiple choice polls, and you choose ONE answer per poll. ONE ANSWER PER POLL. Oh, excuse me, I don't know what got into me there. Anyway, first up this week, Seth Rollins is sitting pretty with his Money in the Bank briefcase, a veritable Plan 'B' for if the main thrust of The Authority to reclaim the WWE World Heavyweight Championship fails. However, he has an eternally annoying block against any cash-in attempt in former stablemate Dean Ambrose. Questions have arisen whether the Lunatic Fringe will let Rollins cash in his briefcase at all before his year with it is up. The question is, will Rollins cash in his briefcase, and if he does, will he be successful in winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship?


Second, the G1 Climax is raging on right now in New Japan Pro Wrestling. For those who don't know and who didn't read Conor's report on it yesterday, G1 is a round-robin tournament featuring 22 of NJPW's best and brightest wrestlers. The stage is still pretty early right now, but a few favorites have emerged from the pack. I want to know whom you think will win. If your choice isn't listed below, check "The Field" and name your choice in the comments.


Finally, Ray Rice was punished by the National Football League for viciously abusing his then-fiancee (now wife) at an Atlantic City casino and dragging her unconscious body onto an elevator. The attack was caught on videotape. After a shameful press conference where his wife was the only one who apologized, pressure was on the league to suspend the Baltimore Ravens' running back. That suspension came down yesterday in the form of a two game suspension and the docking of a third game's paycheck (at 2013 salary rates, that is, he's since gotten a raise for the 2014 season). The question is do you think Rice's suspension was appropriate enough?

A Long Time Coming

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Photo via @JoeyRyanOnline

Candice LeRae entered the American Legion hall in Reseda, CA with all her blood and no titles to her name in her Pro Wrestling Guerrilla career. She exited as co-holder of the Tag Team Championships, upending the Young Bucks alongside good friend and better enemy Joey Ryan in a Guerrilla Warfare match that featured a shoe loaded with thumbtacks. My issues with PWG and its booking of women have been well-documented, but the way the company has booked LeRae in the last year or so has been a marked improvement. Her inclusion among the pantheon of Champions is long-awaited and well-deserved. Hopefully, she'll get a shot to compete in the Battle of Los Angeles now that a THIRD entrant has had to pull out. Joining AR Fox and Brian Cage on the sideline is Trent?, who tore his patella tendon last night at Beyond Wrestling's sold-out Americanrana '14. No matter what happens, PWG gets my vote for most interesting promotion in America this year for sure.

Spike Television Has Cancelled Impact

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Carter was informed of the news ahead of time to look for a TV deal that may or may not even be there
Photo via Cageside Seats
Via TMZ

The nightmare scenario for TNA Wrestling has come true, as Spike TV has informed Dixie Carter that the network will not be renewing its contract with the wrestling company when the current one expires in October. According to the TMZ report, Spike gave TNA the heads up early so it could get a head start on looking for a new deal without interruption to the broadcast schedule. While nothing official has come out yet, many observers have predicted that if Spike ever parted ways with the Nashville-based wrestling promotion that it would spell certain doom. Regardless of my feelings towards the televised product or how Carter has run her promotion with all the sympathy of a child produced of a love affair between a medieval robber baron and Leona Helmsley, if TNA were to go under, a lot of really good people would lose their jobs. Furthermore, most of them will only have the prospect of lateral movement within the industry because WWE apparently seems to think TNA is more toxic a breeding ground than Pripyat, Ukraine.

Of course, the possibility exists that TNA signs another television deal to keep going. I'm not sure what other networks are looking for wrestling content nowadays, but I wouldn't rule out one of the fledgling sports networks taking a flyer on a show that has drawn a consistent 1M+ viewers for the last couple of years. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say that NBC Sports Network and any one of Fox's three cable networks (FX, FXX, Fox Sports 1) would be typical landing points should the company get another deal. However, the future is uncertain at this point for the company.

As for Spike, the current cancellation is less a sign it wants to get out of wrestling altogether and more one that it wanted a change of scenery. It was rumored to be bidding for a piece of the WWE package in that company's last round of rights negotiations, and rumblings from Dirt Sheet Land (Mike Johnson, Bryan Alvarez, etc.) have placed Ring of Honor in the running for a deal. If ROH does make the leap, however, it will need to radically overhaul its production values and its storytelling structure. The style of wrestling it purveys is ready for a prime time audience, but I think the company needs to start telling meatier stories. Additionally, it'll have to cool it with its penchant for institutionalized misogyny, since one of the rumored reasons for Spike's unhappiness with TNA has been the awful treatment directed towards the women on the roster, most notably the current story where Bully Ray wants to put Carter through a table (and according to spoilers from the New York City tapings, he'll get his wish).

However, the most likely candidate to replace TNA seems to be Global Force Wrestling, Jeff Jarrett's new venture. However, Jarrett cannot land a deal with Spike unless/until TNA goes out of business as a condition of a contract that he signed upon leaving the company. Still, one has to consider the chain of events that would lead GFW to a Spike contract to be highly plausible, and of all the options that Spike has on the table, the Jarrett-led promotion would provide the best fit for serialized wrestling television. He has promised that GFW will have intensive focus on stories with less wrestling given away on free television. His plan sounds elementally old-school, with weekly TV setting up for supercards, and those big shows may end up being blockbusters in scope. Jarrett's already partnered up with New Japan Pro Wrestling. But then again, if TNA does get a TV deal elsewhere, he'll be screwed on his first option.

Still, nothing is set in stone except for Impact leaving Spike in October. Dixie Carter may have run the company like her own personal sweatshop for most of its existence, but the promotion still employs a lot of people whose jobs are in jeopardy. The wrestlers and on-air staff losing jobs will be bad, but the office folk, backstage personnel, and other non-performers might be hit hardest. That scenario is a goddamn tragedy. More wrestling promotions in America mean more diversity of styles, and because of that, I hope TNA does stay open in some capacity. Regardless, this story could end up changing the face of non-WWE professional wrestling in North America indelibly. Everyone should be paying attention to it.

ETA:
According to Dixie Carter, negotiations with Spike TV are ongoing. Whether these "negotiations" are one-sided or whether the TMZ report was wrong is unknown at present time. However, TNA is predictably not letting go of its television time without a fight.

From the Archives: Kitsune vs. AR Fox

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Youse guise know well about my passionate love for everything Chikara, but I also dig its rebellious, more adult-oriented, estranged spiritual older brother, Inter Species Wrestling, as well. The Connecticut/Canada-based promotion posts a free match every Monday, and I think everyone should dig back into its archives to see bouts featuring Kevin Steen, Addy Starr, and Pinkie Sanchez among others. This week's offering, however, is a balls-out, crazy-go-nuts high-flying affair between the legitimately insane AR Fox and the mythical fox creature/wrestler Kitsune. Check it out!

Special Ops-Ed: How To Save The WWE Network Era

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Can it be saved? OF COURSE it can!
Graphics Credit: John Lefteratos, via International Object
Earlier this year, WWE unveiled a supposedly revolutionary product that would change the wrestling game forever - The WWE Network. It's a hybrid on-demand Netflix-style program for the extensive tape library, a live-streaming “channel” that promises 24-hour wrestling content, original programming, and mostly importantly the pay-per-views. We’re nearing six months since the launch and I feel like the Network is reaching the point where it has become an indispensable service for wrestling fans young and old. Unfortunately, McMahon vastly oversold how many subscribers would sign up for the Network and stockholders freaked out, tanking the stock and putting the company into panic mode to figure out the best way to get people to subscribe and interested in the program again. Financial losses have forced them to cut the budget of their production and catering, which as any first-year film student can tell you, is the absolute last thing you should be cutting if you want your show to be any good.

Of course, this is not the first time WWE has found themselves backed into a corner financially and with people turned off by the product. The company is back in a similar situation to the outset of the Monday Night War against WCW, but without a true competitor and in a totally different generation of wrestling fan, I’m afraid WWE will find that booking like they did during the Attitude Era won’t help them like it did then.

The Attitude Era programming was renowned for both titillating storylines and “car crash” style writing - fast-paced angles where the writers rarely knew the direction the stories would take but were writing to shock and get people to tune in to free TV. This style of writing often caused the pay-per-views to suffer, as matches and moments on the show were designed to create buzz about RAW the next night, but certainly did boost ratings for TV. It’s carried over all the way into modern era. However, the type of wrestling fan nowadays is vastly different than wrestling fans in the late '90s/early '00s, and with no real competition WWE isn’t really fighting with another promotion to get eyes on TV. Instead they’re fighting to for a way to unify the mindsets and wallets of the average and “diehard” wrestling fan.

The average WWE fan probably only watches RAW every Monday, and maybe only catches one of the big pay-per-views, whereas the diehard fan will find a way to seek out everything wrestling they can get. Obviously reaching beyond just WWE, the diehard wrestling fan follows the indies, probably discusses wrestling online, and nitpicks the crap out of everything they see. The diehard wrestling fan would have interest in the WWE Network, seeing as it has an ever-expanding and encyclopedic catalog of classic wrestling, and the average WWE might be interested just to get the pay-per-views for free. Maybe they might want to check out the wrestling they grew up with. Why, then, are so few people (compared to the numbers McMahon suggested they needed to break even) are subscribing?

The biggest issue we have here is a growing dissatisfaction with WWE’s product. We’ve seen in recent months crowds turn on what WWE is putting in the ring, cheering for Daniel Bryan over the returning Batista, expressing their frustration with fan-favorite CM Punk leaving unexpectedly, and generally trying to cheer for guys outside of who WWE is pushing as “the guy.” This is the same year the WrestleMania crown chanted “John Cena Sucks” in time to Cena’s entrance music. This is the year Rey Mysterio got booed just for not being Daniel Bryan. How could WWE expect to launch such a groundbreaking product successfully this year of all years?

All isn’t lost for WWE, though. There’s a chance they can right the ship and fix things and get the WWE Network to be successful. They just need to stop booking like it’s 1999. The biggest fault with how WWE handles pay-per-views is there’s very little reason to ever buy more than just the big ones. This worked when each show was around 50 dollars and you couldn’t guarantee that everyone would watch every show. With a subscription based service, there’s a much larger incentive to make each pay-per-view event special to put a higher interest in buying your product. Case in point -  Battleground. There wasn’t a single match on that card that couldn’t have been done the same way on free TV, and so many moments on it were just set up for what happened on RAW the next night. The only real special match was the tag title match to open the show, and it was a matchup we had seen several times since WrestleMania.

If you’re not going to make every pay-per-view special there’s no reason to do twelve PPVs a year. Cut the number down to eight. Just do the big four of Royal Rumble, WrestleMania, SummerSlam and Survivor Series, and save your extra four special events as showcases to bridge the gap to the bigger show. Of course, you may have performers complain about not getting as many pay-per-view bonuses, but with the money WWE would be saving not doing 12 huge shows a year they might be able to afford to pay their wrestlers a little more. Along with cutting pay-per-view events and making the shows they are doing matter and creating moments worth subscribing for, WWE should be producing more wrestling content that showcases the varying styles of talent they have available.

With NXT and a bolstered Main Event, talent that may not get the exposure they deserve on RAW are getting more showcase matches and connecting with the crowd a lot more than they ever have. Why not increase that and show you have more faith in the future of your program by doing more live Network-exclusive wrestling shows? We already are starting to get that with NXT’s live specials, two-hour live events that act as supercards for NXT’s young roster, but I’d love to see specialty cards like this for the main roster.

Yes, it’s ripping off TNA’s One Night Only pay-per-view gimmick, but genius steals. It’s a great concept that is sadly underused. These don’t have to be big shows and could be run out of the arena’s WWE typically runs house shows, but would be a lot of fun and would give fans more of an incentive to subscribe to see this great content they aren’t getting elsewhere.

I’d love to also see more WWE-produced reality programming. No, not more Total Divas or Legends’ House. I’m not opposed to either program, but what I’d like to see is more documentary programs portraying the lives of their Superstars. The “Journey To WrestleMania” documentary that was produced for Daniel Bryan was superb. I wish it went more into his past, even though I understand why it didn’t. Why not do more “week in the life” style stuff for your undercard guys like Dolph Ziggler and Big E? While I wish they’d give them more promo time on RAW and Smackdown; this would be a good way to allow people who may not be connected to the crowd now connect better. WWE has already added something similar to their current Network programming with the Beyond The Ring series, a repackaging of their already-produced documentaries, but I’d love to see new stuff for wrestlers who may not ever get a DVD set like Mick Foley or Randy Orton did. Watching Big Show’s documentary on a lark on the Network gave me a heck of a lot more respect for Mr. Wight than I ever might have on my own.

Like I said above, there’s a chance to right the ship. It’s right in front of WWE. They just have to grab it. Make the Network something you just have to buy. Give us a reason to want all 12 pay-per-views for $9.99 a month, give us a reason to tune into the Network for more than just these supercards, and give your wrestlers more of a chance to shine using this service you’ve created and have every incentive to put more into.

Best Coast Bias: NXTyler

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Mmmm Gorgeous
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Nothing is more boring than invincibility.  There's a reason phrases like deux ex machina and fait accompli permeate the language when a surfeit of users couldn't spell Latin.  For 2014, Adrian Neville has lived life in Full Sail as -- well, not the English Cena, but very much in a vein of that strain.  Quite simply, he's been the definition of a Champion to such an extent that an outcome hasn't been in doubt no matter what he's been up against.  You could shorthand everything to "stuff happens, Red Arrow, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows, Sheila McRae, g'night everybody!"

It hasn't mattered whether it's been against members of the main roster, former NXT Champions, or anything else alike; he's bested faces, heels, and all alignments between.

And yet on a show in which he hit one move, Tyler Breeze has suddenly derailed the titleholder's Inevitibility Express and put some serious credence into him catapulting into the face of NXT as its Champion sooner rather than.  It began early when he engaged Mojo Rawley in the former footballer's best match ever: Breeze complaining about his finger, dodging a blow, and hitting the Beauty Shot. Even though he wasn't on commentary this week you could hear William Regal cackling in the back the way some viewers may have as well.  He didn't get tricked, he stayed tr...well, you get the idea.  When Neville came out for the woefully underhyped main to go against Alexander Rusev, the whiff of chicanery and coffee body scrub was practically in the air.  Neville got the brakes beaten off of him because of course he did, only to come back with a wide array of kicks not only super but shoot and drop, springboard and Bryanesque to finally get the biggest member of the Putin Fan Club on his back.  As you know, stuff happens.  But before he could fire the Arrow T-Breezie was out to stop him.  Seconds later, Neville was down after an Accolade, and the music video maven was smirking at his flawless execution on the ramp.  Far be it from this corner to note the tail end of August would make it three months since the last NXT live Network Special and they seem to be running on a seasonal basis, or Breeze's undeniable ring skill, or the fact that'd be the biggest platform for someone so vainglorious and spotlight addicted, etc.

Speaking of vainglorious and spotlight addicted, in a show with both the holder of the Big X and the male model in pursuit of said Championship it turned out the BFF Implosion got the most time to burn on the show with Summer Rae going against Charlotte for the Women's Championship in the cleanup position of the program.  (This was especially highlighted considering the opening two showcases were another Ascension Rosey and Jamal special followed by the Breeze/Rawley epic.)  While this was a hotly contested battle, two things stood out.  Firstly, there was a noticeable maw where a babyface usually goes.  The crowd at one point started a Wave around the arena while Summer was fighting back, and it wasn't like they were going to cheer Summer no matter what garbage RAW and Warning: Smackdown May Contain Wrestling Like Substance tried to pump into the veins of the NXT Constellation with her and Lay.  In addition to that, this was a pretty dominating performance by the Champ, won clean by the Bow Down and highlighted by her locking in the figure 4 headlock multiple times and making Rae scream about her beautiful face getting ruined.
It wasn't Sasha ripping the wings off of Alexa last week, but it was in the neighborhood.  As a result, this may be the sort of thing that puts the kibosh on what would be an interesting Sasha/Charlotte match that'd put a button on the meltdown and also vaults Bayley into position to get the next major run at lifting the strap from the Flair of NXT; remember: if you don't love Bayley, you're wrong.

The other thing of note on the show was Kalisto pairing with Sin Cara to take down the Vaudevillains, with Special K himself laying out Simon Gotch with the Bimbo Numero Tres para la victoria.  It would seem to be that the old-timey strongmen, despite their being loved by the crowd, are still somehow the black hats. At this point, the challengers to the Ascension seem to be masked, and pretty damn good at what they do as well.

Taking a beating from a team almost as new as they are like men?  Yup.  Not Hunico's one-armed powerbomb, probably the most underrated move in the entirety of the WWE?  Skoal!  And Kalisto getting the hot tag and turning everybody into Black Rob with barely describable offense before a high-impact but artistically pretty finisher?  What, did you just get here?  Whether they'll end up being the Uno Dos Tres Niños to the Ascension's Razor is anybody's guess, chico.  But to be real, you could go a myriad of worse ways than that putting us down a path where this would be a title match before the year ends.

Or, you know, before the summer does, either.  By that point, it could be Breezie's world and we'd all just be Instagramming it.

Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

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Even though Ryback didn't match Axel, they still showed broey solidarity
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Best Friends—Ryback and Curtis Axel
Normally, I'm a big proponent of tag team members matching each other. However, during Rybaxel's match against the Usos—the matchiest of matching tag teams—I realized that there can also be something special about a tag team that refuses to match. Aside from the identical red toques jammed over their heads and nearly covering their eyes, Ryback and Axel persist in pursuing individual fashion paths, and the results are kind of awful. Ryback in a teal, airbrushed singlet? Gross. Axel in basic black trunks? Boring. And yet they remain united in being the bro-iest bros who ever bro-ed, secure and supportive in their friendship. Therefore I salute you, Rybaxel, for demonstrating that true friendship can endure even in the face of hideous outfit choices.

Doesn't Deserve a Friend—Dolph Ziggler
Bo Dallas came out to join the Miz on a segment of Miz TV and the results were, of course, fantastic. The two were getting along famously (Dallas' breathless delivery of “That sounds GREAT!” in response to Miz's suggestion that they do lunch just slayed me), and then Dolph Ziggler showed up. Rather than joining in on the good times, he proceeded to ruin everything. Then, after losing the ensuing match, Ziggler attacked his opponent during Dallas' victory lap and Miz's congratulations.

Look, Ziggler certainly has cause to be upset with how Miz won the Intercontinental Championship, but these displays of bitterness are not going to help him get ahead—they just make him look like a jerk. He chose to rudely interrupt a beautiful display of fellowship twice on this show, demonstrating that he can't appreciate such things, and for that I declare that he deserves no friends.

Should Not Be Friends—Cesaro and the Authority
I'm not a fan of Cesaro throwing in his lot with the Authority. I'm tired of him being shuffled from stable to stable, and there's very little space for him in the Authority's schemes. Even Randy Orton and Kane barely merit an appearance every week, so what hope does Cesaro have? He has great in-ring chemistry with Dean Ambrose and others (*cough* Sheamus *cough*), demonstrated once again during his match with Ambrose on this episode, but exiting the stage afterwards in favour of Seth Rollins pursuing his own Authority-sanctioned agenda just reinforces that Cesaro is constantly playing second-fiddle. Give this man a spotlight of his own!

Sidenotes about Ambrose:
  1. I hate his entrance music SO MUCH.
  2. I hate the nickname “The Lunatic Fringe” SO MUCH.
  3. Speaking of which, how, exactly, are the fuckwits on commentary defining “crazy?” Ambrose is certainly single-minded and eccentric, but he knows what he's doing. I know we're supposed to accept the ret-con that Rollins was always the brains behind the Shield, but that's complete nonsense. Ambrose may throw himself around like a man with a death wish, but he's still formulating strategies—everything he does has a purpose.
Best Frenemies—Me and WWE
Those cunning fucks at WWE did it again: Inspired me with rage and then filled my heart with such joy that it could only have been a move deliberately calculated with me in mind.

First, Paige and Naomi had a non-match, wherein Paige delivered a confusing speech about how she still likes AJ Lee and she also likes Naomi and then abruptly stopped talking. Then Cameron's music hit, but she didn't appear, then Naomi tapped to Paige almost immediately after the bell rang, then Cameron finally showed up and aaaaaaaargh. I think Paige was trying to get across that she's an insincere jerk who'll pretend to be your friend, but she needed more time to properly convey her intent. Meanwhile, Naomi was a passive bystander in her own story and I was robbed of what could have been a perfectly enjoyable match. RAGE.

....and then Goldust was in a wizard hat and everything was wonderful and nothing hurt anymore. My anger was forgotten, and I clapped my hands in glee like an excited baby seal. DAMN YOU, WWE! How dare you manipulate me in this way!

Needs Better Friends—R-Truth
Poor R-Truth was once again playing the role of “supportive friend of white dude even though they don't really have a history of friendship” and getting beat up for his trouble. This, coupled with the regression of Truth facing Bray Wyatt in a re-tread of when Wyatt first came up to the main roster, made their match kind of depressing. It accomplished absolutely nothing and just made me feel sorry for both Truth and Wyatt.

Something Friendship Something—Roman Reigns and Alberto del Rio
Bray Wyatt vs. R-Truth took a lot out of me, so following it up with another match that really didn't matter was a pretty bad decision. I got nothing on this one, guys. Alberto del Rio was perfectly competent, as always, and Roman Reigns emerged victorious and completely unscathed, as always. Yay, friendship? Somehow?

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, July 28

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Even gimpy, Bryan still is the BEST IN THE WOOOOOORLD
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: Not Ranked... Not Ranked? NOT RANKED?) - I thought Bryan's efforts of derring-do were finished now that he was rehabbing his neck, but apparently, he's still got a metric fuckload of badassery in his body even with a bad neck and no feeling in his arms. Bryan foiled a robbery at his house and choked out one of the alleged perpetrators his damn self. I will never doubt this man again.

2. Rachel Summerlyn (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Summerlyn tearfully said goodbye to active wrestling competition last night at Inspire Pro Wrestling. If you don't know why that's important, then you just don't know anything.

3. Candice LeRae (Last Week: Not Ranked) - And of course, Summerlyn's heiress apparent as badass buttkicker femme fatale finally got her just due by finally shoving the Young Bucks out the plane door without a parachute at Pro Wrestling Guerrilla's ELEVEN Saturday night. Sure, Joey Ryan did some of the work, but I choose to remember it as the night Candice Fucking LeRae became the baddest motherfucker in Reseda. BELIEVE THAT.

4. Veda Scott (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did she beat Gregory Iron in a cage match wearing bridal gown-themed gear, she drove all the way to Slower Lower (Delaware) to wrestle for Future of Honor the next night. Hardest working lawyer-slash-wrestler in the world? I don't see David Otunga putting in those kinds of hours if you catch my drift.

5. Trader Joe's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dippers (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I bought these for my son as a treat this weekend and ended up eating about two-thirds of the canister my damn self. Sorry, not sorry.

6. Mark Henry (Last Week: 6) - Apparently, he said in an interview that he did all those crazy angles back in the day to help the LGBT+ community have representation and feel more welcomed in wrestling fandom. While I doubt that was the intent of the segments written for him, it still shows that Henry has a HOSS-sized heart to go with his massive strength and body size.

7. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: 1) - I'm docking a few points from Ambrose for RUINING LACY'S SHEAMUS/CESARO OTP GODDAMMIT DEAN-O, but he's still WWE's wildcard by a large margin. Expect him to cut the brakes of The Authority's limo before bailing out to go get himself a milksteak, boiled over hard, with only the finest jellybeans, raw of course.

8. AJ Lee (Last Week: 2) - Her response to "CM Punk" chants when she's in the ring? Classic.

9. Paige (Last Week: 4) - Some are claiming that Paige isn't actually a good friend thanks to her actions recently. I disagree. A good friend would totally sneak attack you after a well-placed distraction in order to teach a lesson about being prepared.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She was originally slated to be Kalisto's partner on NXT this past week, but since his team was already slated to go over anyway, officials didn't want to telegraph it too hard.

Instant Feedback: Equal Opportunity Garbage People

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She came off sympathetic most of the show, but still not a person to root for. That's a problem.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
For the first time in who knows how long, a storyline centered around women on the show got a chance to close it out. Sure, the halcyon days of Lita vs. Trish Stratus, or more accurately, Lita vs. Stephanie McMahon were long past. As RAW is wont to do, the show ended on a talking segment. But the crowd was into it, like SUPER into what McMahon and Brie Bella were laying down. Story progression was made, the two parties agreed to a match, and Bella took a decent bump off the apron. If anyone could use a segment as a proof that a story centered around two women could draw big heat, it would be this particular overrun.

Unfortunately, the final frame was notable for an ongoing problem in WWE, one that was highlighted earlier in the show with Jack Swagger and Alexander Rusev. In many cases, the company struggles to tell stories where an identifiable protagonist exists, or if one is present, that person is oftentimes morally bankrupt. Bella and Swagger, the folks WWE currently is presenting as the nominal babyfaces, fit those roles to a tee. Bella willingly and stupidly quit her job for a husband who'd be put on the shelf indefinitely anyway a week later, doubling down on her mistake by assaulting her former boss. Swagger is an avowed xenophobe at best, playing to the base emotions of a crowd all too eager to wave the Stars 'n Stripes in jingoistic vigor regardless of what he stood for.

It's not as if the antagonists in their respective stories are any more redeemable. One might be tempted to take up for McMahon until that person realizes she in essence reaped what she sowed as the selfishly evil avatar of American corporate personhood run amok. And Rusev represents an insidious evil in and of himself, the cartoonish supervillain known as Vladimir Putin. If nationalistic pride were not at stake, would anyone look at a potential second Cold War between the United States and Russia as a clash between good and evil?

This kind of clash between flawed entities might fly on cable television, where emotional involvement doesn't necessarily demand you invest a rooting interest in one singular party. Shows like The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, and The Wire painted with a full palette of colors rather than black, white, and gray. While a viable wrestling company that is able to present artistic stories where the arc is the thing rather than a personal struggle between two parties is a dream of mine, I do have to admit that a certain magic is produced when a crowd is worked up into a lather supporting one warrior or agent in opposition to another. Wrestling works through conflict, and maybe nuanced storytelling where you can root for no one and still enjoy the show is not meant for the aggressive arts.

But it's also not like these crowd baiting techniques don't work. Swagger is as over as ever, and Bella, though the the magic of Stephanie McMahon's ability to garner heat for anyone she opposes, now has the unequivocal support of the crowd. However, what do those wrestlers being so popular say about the soul of WWE? Are the fans the heels as Rich Thomas so frequently claims? Can wrestling, or at least WWE/mainstream wrestling be accepted as an artform when such recursive, reductive tendencies are not only utilized but embraced as the heroic norm?

But then again, maybe the message is that in WWE, some kind of equality is possible. I could do without the gendered insults, even if they're being thrown back and forth between women. Seriously, cool it on the b-word. But still, if the men can engage in garbage people vs. garbage people feuds, then maybe women doing the same in a better spot on the card is a sign that things may improve in the company before long. Or maybe the fact that the women's feud happens to involve one of the two future bosses of the company has more to do with things. I don't know, but right now, I'm too tired to think about whether that matters or not.

This Is Ground Control To Major Sandow

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Photo Credit: WWE.com

If the Damien Sandow/Adam Rose match had happened right before the Stardust/Goldust segment, I might have thought I took hallucinogens before watching RAW last night. Sandow continues to make the best of a situation he's overqualified for, but hey, if he's getting on camera and entertaining, then it's at least a net positive. My only wish is that he would have claimed the Moon Landing was fake to try and get some more heat out of the crowd. Then again, maybe WWE didn't go down that route because it didn't have Buzz Aldrin booked to knock him the fuck out after claiming it.

The Case for A WWE Light Heavyweight Division, Part 3: The Tournament

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Ziggler's first opponent would shock him bad
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In Parts 1 and 2 of the series, we showed you who the Ace was going to be, what the roster looked like, and even the design of the belt. Now, with all of that out of the way, we have to crown our first champion. Now, the typical way that WWE does things like this would be to crown the Champion via battle royale. But we're not going to do that. Instead, we're going to have a All-Brands-Invited tournament.

Side Note: This is where different people being in charge of the different shows helps. The Authority picks four, Smackdown's Poobah picks four, and NXT picks four, thus creating a 12-man single-elimination tournament for which the finals would be held at SummerSlam.

Through lots of machinations, including a surprise run to the finals for Heath Slater that will be sure to send Rhiannamator into something approaching a full-body seizure, Dolph Ziggler wins the tournament over Slater after a great match. But as he's celebrating with the title, out walks... THIS MAN.


Instantly, and this is where I place more trust than is perhaps warranted in the commentary, KENTA comes out and we all realize instantly that there is a real challenger.

In their first match, Ziggler is fucked. Not that he gets fucked, because in there is a difference. Ziggler getting fucked would be losing in the same way that every WWE babyface not named John Cena loses, and that's not what ought to be happening here. What we want here, what is the best thing here, is for Ziggler to know he's doomed as soon as the bell rings. WWE got close to this with the build to Cena-Lesnar, and then they had Cena win. For this to work, Ziggler can't win. He has to get mauled.

And in the rematch, Ziggler wins because he figures out where KENTA is weakest and attacks accordingly. That's how you build the division. You build Kenta as a monster who can rend flesh from bone, and Ziggler as a brilliant strategist. And everyone underneath trying to get to the top.

Will any of this happen? Of course not. The WWE, for whatever reason, has a list of guys they want the crowd to respond to and Dolph Ziggler isn't on it. They also have a list of things they're willing to try, and re-starting a light heavyweight division isn't on that list either. But I can dream.

Fergal Devitt Signs with WWE, and a Note about the State of Journalism in Wrestling

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Devitt's official
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Via WWE.com

Fergal "Prince" Devitt has signed a developmental contract with WWE and will report to the Performance Center. He has spent most of his recent career wrestling for New Japan Pro Wrestling and garnering all kinds of critical acclaim in the process. The final leg of his tenure there saw him form the Bullet Club, a stable of gaijin who were too cool for school, and he was unceremoniously kicked out on his final day with the company. Since then, he'd mostly worked independent dates in the United Kingdom and Ireland before his official start date with WWE. Devitt has wrestled for indies in America before, but his most famous brush with this country's pro wrestling scene was when he was announced for Jeff Katz's Wrestling Retribution Project (remember that?), but his entry into the US was muddled before he could come over for the tapings. I erroneously reported something about a bitter competitor calling him in as a terrorist threat, but all parties involved deny that ever happened (and small-minded jerks still think I reported he was a terrorist in the first place to this day, which couldn't be further from the truth).

Anyway, Devitt is the second of the big four rumored signees to officially ink their deals (KENTA being the first, and Kevin Steen and Willie Mack being the other two). I admit I have seen even less of him than I have of KENTA, so I'll be watching him with a clean slate when he finally makes his way to NXT television. I hope he retains his last indie gimmick of cosplaying as pop culture's greatest villains. Even though Damien Sandow currently has the impersonation gimmick on lockdown, I'm sure WWE's production department can find a way for Devitt to go all out with his appearance and make an impression in a more serious manner.

WWE broke this news officially in the same way it broke the KENTA signing, through its own website as if it were an independent news outlet. On one hand, this method makes things easier for jabroni bloggers like myself to glean correct information rather than relying on the nebulous network of rumors, sources, and dead ends. However, WWE cutting out the middleman and going into the journalism business for itself is a major blow to wrestling's fourth estate and borders on propaganda-mongering. Even worse is when the company stages a "news" item happening and feeds the exclusive "scoop" to TMZ.

While I take issue with some of the methods of dirt sheet journalists like Dave Meltzer, I realize they are shut out of the official process even more than reporters in "legitimate" fields. Further cleaving them out of the process feels unethical at the very least, and it creates a generation of fans that might think it okay to take whatever the big corporate entity says at face value. That attitude, even in a field of entertainment as absurd as wrestling, is dangerous.

Granted, a lot of these writers play into WWE's hands in other aspects and reinforce what it wants to be disseminated. Generally, the tone of articles written about labor relations is particularly embarrassing, especially since a lot of the pressure seems to be placed on the talent for "doing business" instead of promoters, especially bigger promoters, for treating the workers progressively and fairly. The most egregious specific example came when Meltzer kept trying to convince himself and his audience that Darren Young coming out of the closet was a "non-issue." That all being said, I don't find the state of play in most other fields of journalism to be any different in that regard.

Still, scant other fields have the problems of secrecy and deliberate obfuscation that wrestling journalists have to deal with. While I appreciate getting my news easily in what amounts to a press release disguised as independent news, I wish the business would change to allow a freer exchange of information and not rely on nebulous sources for everything.

Dispatches from the Lake: The Return

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Is this how one becomes a Rosebud?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Here we are after the entirely pointless Battleground special event, and the name of the game is moving stories forward. This isn’t just happening on RAW and Smackdown. Superstars is actually doing it too! While kind of recap heavy, I was still happy to see a bunch of backstage segments that pertained to the matches on the show. They seem to be investing a bit more in the show, so bravo, WWE!

First match of the night was Heath Slater, accompanied by Hornswoggle, vs. Adam Rose. I’m really starting to think that Rose would work better as a heel, especially after this match, mostly because after Hornswoggle tried to interfere in the match, the Rosebuds pulled him off the ring apron, surrounded him, and horrifyingly indoctrinated him into the Exotic Express. Hornswoggle emerged from his anti-lemon cocoon clad in Rose’s t-shirt, glasses, and hat. All this match did was make me want to see how the rest of the Rosebuds were pulled into his cult. Were they all similarly abducted? Did some of them choose this life of constant partying? Was Slurms MacKenzie a Rosebud? You want some new WWE Network content? Give me a gritty, Unsolved Mysteries-type show that explores what the hell happened to these people.

Rose won the match, in case you were curious.

Second match was R-Truth vs. Alberto del Rio. Nothing of particular note happened during this one. The announcers did a solid job of giving the match some purpose. del Rio would be facing Roman Reigns on Smackdown, so he wanted to hone his skills on R-Truth. Why he would think a victory against truth would prepare him for Reigns in his current GOD MODE is beyond my understanding, but they gave us a reason for the match, so it’s cool.

As your blind, 95-year-old grandmother from Scottsdale whom you don’t call enough could have predicted, Del Rio won the match with a cross armbreaker.

The Old Man and the Recaps

The first Raw in the cycle before a big special event usually lets stuff happen. I’m all about stuff. My last post was a rant about how stuff never gets to happen in the WWE. I was very happy for stuff this week. I’m even going to type it one more time because it feels so good. STUFF. Ah, that’s the ticket right there…

Superstars this week was full of these recaps, so grab some Tension Tamer Tea and let’s dig in.

We started with the incredibly stupid two on one handicap match between Roman Reigns and the power house combo of Randy Orton and Kane. While I did appreciate Reigns being the voice of the people, saying no one wants to see Cena vs. Captain Ineffectual or Orton again, this match was just dumb. A men's handicap match on Raw never seems like a punishment. They stick Cena or Reigns in these things, but they’re never in any danger. Cena just steamrolls through his opponents, and Reigns got the win because Orton wouldn’t take a tag from the Captain, who then got murked. Switch it up a bit. The face can look vulnerable some times. Let's not ruin Reigns the way we're ruined Cena, eh WWE?

Reigns and Orton stared each other down after the match, so I’m sure we’ll see them fight at SummerSlam. It could be an interesting match, but we'll have to wait and see.

There were a few minutes dedicated to Chris Jericho’s beatdown at the hands of the Wyatts. I’m really not sure why we even got a match between these two at Battleground. They should have just held off until SummerSlam, especially since it seems like they are just going to run the same match again.

The new Xavier Woods stable was just mentioned, but they only do that so R-Truth can ramble about them a bit before Hammer-dancing off screen during a backstage segment on the show proper. I'm all about Hammer-dancing, but this was just a bit weird. That said, WWE is really stepping it up in terms of making the matches on Superstars seem like more than the dark matches that they are.

I thought it was a bit weird that Cena wasn’t at this show. He really needed to be here for the march towards SummerSlam. Not that I’m complaining. The last thing I need to hear is another ‘The Champ is Here’ victory promo, but my heart needed Brock Lesnar to F5 Cena and then have Heyman deliver his masterful promo over his charred corpse.

That promo was great, wasn’t it? It was better than great. I wanted to propose to this promo, marry it in an intimate ceremony in front of family and friends, and live out our days in a sweet cabin in beautiful Vermont. Heyman is a national treasure, and I wuv him. Not love, FULL ON WUV.

That said, I had flashbacks to Extreme Rules 2012 during the entire thing. I really hope WWE isn’t stupid enough to cut their BEAST off at the knees again, but one never knows.

Random Thoughts

  • Slater should have brained Flo Rida with a tire iron when he dared appear on WWE programing again.
  • There was a horribly stupid sign in the crowd that says ‘Miami is RAW’ with the I and M in Miami bolded. The poor grammar resulting from those bolded letters is making me angry.
  • Speaking of signs, that Beast for Business one was outstanding.
  • I really miss the black trunks Alberto Del Rio used to wear. No idea why, but thoroughly enjoyed them. When he switched from the white to the black, I got a whole Dark Phoenix vibe. I'm weird though, so I'm sure that was just me.
  • Triple H’s line to the cops, ‘Oh, you drive a hybrid? You must be proud of yourselves’ had me convulsing with laughter. It was all in the delivery. Just glorious.
  • Nothing annoys me more than people in the front rows jumping up and down, waving, and generally doing anything but watch the show they paid a ridiculous amount of money for when the camera is on them. It’s not only distracting, but is your life so empty that the thought of being on TV for literally five seconds is exciting? Boo. Boo to you.

The Dream Solution for a Nightmare Scenario

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Could we see the Rattlesnake return? No, but it's fun to dream
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The four most popular wrestlers in WWE right now are a heel, a man who's said he's "never, ever" going back to work there, an injured wrestler who may never come back, and the guy who's been on top for the last decade. If that prospect wasn't frightening enough, the last one on the list has rumors swirling about him that 2015 may be his last year in the business. Not many people have ever thought that John Cena would ever leave WWE, let alone leave it for a movie career. Have you seen his movies? I haven't seen them, but they're not well-received. To wit, 12 Rounds has a 29% score on Rotten Tomatoes, and The Marine makes THAT look like fuckin'Die Hard. Critical acclaim doesn't always translate to monetary failure, but Cena's turns as a leading man have been paltry. Still, in 2014, Cena is still getting movie roles (albeit supporting ones instead of starring features), and as his peer Dave Batista has proven, you don't need to be at the front and center to get movie star treatment. Guardians of the Galaxy is looking more and more by the day the best non-Avengers flick that this current Marvel run has produced, and Batista's getting the rewards from it despite being the fifth lead and at best the fifth most-compelling character in it. No one will be able to take that away from him.

Still, as enticing as a steady career in Hollywood can seem compared to the everyday grind of being WWE's FRANCHISE, Cena isn't gone yet. Daniel Bryan hasn't been medically forced to retire either. CM Punk could come back (just like I could land a starring role in the next big Marvel feature). Bray Wyatt becoming a megastar also isn't exactly a curse although a true face turn in WWE might mean dilution of the character and eventual failure. Plus, the next two guys on the totem pole are Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns, both guys who are legitimately over with the crowd, and Sami Zayn looks like he could be the next big underdog babyface to catch fire when he gets the call-up. WWE doesn't necessarily have an all-doom-and-gloom forecast ahead of it in terms of the providence of its roster, but no company has the luxury going forward without some kind of contingency plan. In fact, WWE really should have several contingency plans in place, because it is a company that has unprecedented resources and a roster that is perhaps the most talented in its history on a macroscopic scale.

However, if everything possible goes wrong that can go wrong, would it be too farfetched to suggest that WWE should look at backing a dump-truck full of money to the Broken Skull Ranch and seeing if Steve Austin would mind coming out of retirement for a year? The preceding hypothesis may sound an awful lot like one of BIG HEAT'S HOT TAKES, and I admit that some outrageous fantasy booking tendencies are coming home to roost here. However, among those who are cleared to wrestle and who have name cache in the history of wrestling, Austin remains the biggest and best option to salvage a wasted year and stay the course until someone else is built up to the point where that wrestler can navigate the waters as well as Cena and Batista did in the wake of Austin, Rock, and Mick Foley permanently leaving.

Of course, the most ideal solution to be bandied about would be "Well, maybe WWE should have prepared better with better booking." While that tsk-tsking definitely rings true, nothing can be done about lack of preparation in the past except for righting that wrong in the future. No amount of fantasy quarterbacking the past will amend what happened, nor will building Reigns or Ambrose as a true ace. Those things can only affect the present and future, but for a company that thrives on starpower, waiting for guys to be developed is not an option when Vince McMahon is as impatient for results as he's reported to be. Austin wouldn't be more than a stopgap solution, but if the guys in waiting are only a year away (or shorter), then having him step in as an interim replacement for Cena in theory wouldn't be the worst idea.

One would wonder if money is even an object to Austin at this point though. He has a steady job talking up a storm for a living, has some prominent television projects on cable, and tends to his ranch in his downtime. He hasn't wrestled in a decade, and even though he's had plenty of time to heal, he may not want to work the rigors of even the "Shawn Michaels" schedule. Austin also comes off as a perfectionist when talking about the mechanics of a match on his podcast as well, and the accumulated rust of ten years away from the ring may put him in a position where he doesn't feel he can give his best efforts. I don't know the man personally, but he gives off the vibe on his podcast that if he can't go out and perform the way he could in 1994, 1998, or even 2001, he wouldn't even want to try.

Then again, if every other option fails, then WWE should at least pick up the phone, right? The game has changed to the point where McMahon can't just pluck someone from WCW and insert them into the main event, because WCW doesn't exist. The closest competition that WWE has is New Japan Pro Wrestling, and as seen with Prince Devitt, no one, not even Shinsuke Nakamura or even Hiroshi Tanahashi, is going to come over and go right into a RAW main event. The times have changed, the styles are too different, and the fans at large (read, not the dorks like me writing this stuff) may not know who they are. Austin is one of WWE's most successful draws ever, and even today, he's an avatar for an era when wrestling was popular. He also seems to be one of the shrewdest performers, one who knows that what worked in 1997 may not work in 2014. Hell, he tried to change his game up in 2001, and even though the fans wanted 1997 Austin, he forged on. He's one of the most gifted performers ever, and he's in WWE's back pocket.

The odds are that he wouldn't even be needed anyway. The odds of Bryan AND Cena AND Wyatt all being gone from the company (or in Wyatt's case, rendered completely ineffective) by the end of 2015 are still pretty low. And either Reigns, Ambrose, or even Zayn could catch fire and become the next big thing in that time. It might just be my own affinity for the performer making grandiose fantasy booking plans passed off as sound business contingency. Still, the sight of Austin having one final run as caretaker of the main event scene between eras would not only be surreal to watch, but it might end up being a critical success. Austin has rarely if ever disappointed in his own actions in the ring (out of character is a completely different story). Maybe he has a grumpy old man run left in him. WWE wouldn't be insane to kick those tires.

A Short Note about Being Fresh

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Super No Vacancy
Photo via Drew Cordeiro

The above photo was taken at Feté Music on Sunday for Beyond Wrestling's sold-out Americanrana '14. The company is by-and-large producing some of the freshest professional wrestling in the game right now, and over the last year has built up a loyal audience at the Providence, RI venue with tons of nationwide buzz. Inspire Pro Wrestling is packing them in similarly down at the Marchesa Theater in Austin, TX, and that company is following a similar plan. Produce great wrestling with talented performers forging your own identity. The best non-WWE promotions in America, the ones that pack houses, all follow similar formats. Whether Chikara or Pro Wrestling Guerrilla or whatever local promotion in various areas around the country packin''em in, promotions that, by and large, try to make their own names and forge ahead with either innovative stories or their own, unique spin on classic wrestling tropes and angles are the ones that draw.

Meanwhile, TNA is in dire straits right now. No one goes to live shows, and the company is being threatened with losing its television deal. It is not surprising that the company's stories have been largely recycled from promotions past without any hint of changing them up while pushing people based on their cred from WWE, ECW, or WCW. The company at its peak provided a better plan through pushing the X-Division and Knockouts as main drawing points. Those legs were deemphasized, and various people in charge of booking pushed the homegrown guys like Robert Roode and Magnus too late to matter.

The above examples are certainly anecdotal. Innovative concepts and takes flop all the time. Lord knows nothing Pro Wrestling Syndicate is doing in New Jersey is original, fresh, or in any way built by their own ingenuity or work, but that company is one of the biggest draws in America. However, it's always better to strike out on your own rather than fail using someone else's sloppy seconds, even if it could be argued that wrestling is built on unoriginality. Even if the best ideas are borrowed, the ones that usually come off best are the ones that are tweaked in some way. It should come as no surprise that the companies doing the best, either critically or at the box office, tend to be the ones who aren't sucking off someone else's teat. Maybe if TNA survives and gets a new television deal, Dixie Carter and her braintrust will learn that lesson and use their near-death brush as valuable life experience.

Then again, I doubt it.

Wrestling Six Packs: Cool Injury Replacements for Battle of Los Angeles

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The SHIMMER Champion definitely would fit in in PWG
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Injuries suck, but they are part of the deal when it comes to a full-contact art like professional wrestling. Bones break, tendons shred, organs bleed, and microbes invade. Even the best laid plans of mice and men can be throttled in an instant, and right now, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla is facing the prospects of three of its entrants in the massive Battle of Los Angeles tournament missing time with various maladies. AR Fox broke his wrist, and it's iffy as to whether he'll be healed by the end of August. Brian Cage suffered an injury that kept him out of ELEVEN this past Saturday, although the extent of it is unknown. Finally, Trent? messed up his knee something fierce at Americanrana on Sunday and will more than likely miss the event. While these performers potentially missing the event presents PWG with a whole crate of lemons, the company can certainly make some lemonade out of them with some key replacements. Three slots are open, but I have six (well, technically eight) suggestions for substitutions.

1. Cheerleader Melissa

PWG right now has a woman as a Tag Team Champion, so why not go for perhaps the biggest name in women's wrestling all-told? Melissa's home territory is in California, and she works SoCal quite a bit. She has the size to match up against the average PWG heavyweight, and her style is as stiff and technically proficient as they come. The time is right now for PWG to start leading and integrating the best and brightest women wrestlers into its dream match ethos, and few are better than Melissa right now.

2. Christopher Daniels and/or Frankie Kazarian

With Zack Sabre, Jr., Matt Sydal, Brian Myers, and Kenny Omega already announced, the theme of this year's BOLA seems to be name recognition both within and out of the tournament. Daniels and Kazarian are already booked for BOLA weekend, albeit in non-tourney tag matches. Both members of Bad Influence are among the biggest names not working in WWE right now, and both would fit in the singles environment snugly. Kazarian has history within the company; he's a former PWG World Champion. Daniels is one of the godfathers of post-ECW independent professional wrestling in America. If the promotion wanted some replacement names with pop, then man, was it ever lucky to have Daniels and Kazarian already in town.

3. Chris Bosh

Bosh, the white, Lioncock!-ing former wrestler and not the lanky, Black basketball player, has not wrestled a match since 2008, when he came back to PWG for one night only. I don't know how much of an itch he has to wrestle again (I seem to be making cases for guys whose passion levels for wrestling I have no idea a lot today, ain't I?), but I'm sure Super Dragon and the folks around him booking and planning these shows wouldn't be too hurt to ask. Bosh is a veritable icon in PWG folklore, and he would add a real SoCal flavor to the tournament, one that right now it currently lacks. Plus, six years have been too long to wait for another Lioncock!

4. Candice LeRae

LeRae has just gotten off the weekend of her life, bleeding buckets for an adoring crowd and knocking off the Young Bucks with Joey Ryan to win the Tag Team Championships. What better way to further those good vibes than to enter the BOLA tournament at the event where her journey started last year and make a deep run to further ingrain herself with the legends of Reseda? LeRae right now seems to be the only woman wrestler that PWG seems to want to push, and whether or not she shouldn't be alone in her endeavors, she's still among the best wrestlers on the roster, regardless of qualifier. Her 2014 has been special, and letting her in the BOLA tournament would give it the chance to be even more magical, both for her and for her home company.

5. Rocky Romero

Romero currently is also affected by the injury bug, as his partner in the Forever Hooligans, Alex Koslov, is hurt. While that situation saddens me, it at least frees Romero up to wrestle singles action, which he's done for PWG at least once this year. He also has the allure of being associated with the most prestigious wrestling promotion in the world in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Anything to up the aura around this year's tournament, which again is already loaded, is a net positive.

6. The Young Bucks

Wouldn't it be hilarious if the Bucks entered as a unit and demanded to wrestle in all handicap matches? For one, the Brothers Jackson are one of few entities on the indies who can generate legitimate heel heat, and having them with an eternal power play in their tournament matches would up the boos exponentially. Plus, the storytelling options would be off the charts, and PWG wrestlers have done exceedingly well playing with classic match tropes and making them unique and exciting. For example, the four-way number one contendership match at DDT4 this year was one of the best matches of that kind I've ever seen, and it had everything to do with how the four wrestlers laid it out. Since the Bucks are among the best wrestlers in the world, I know they'd be able to figure out a way to turn the handicap match from tired WWE deus ex machina into a signature.

The Best Moves Ever: Death Blow (Chris Hero)

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Imagine you're a wrestler and you think in terms of kayfabe, i.e. it's still real to you, i.e. pretend, okay? You get twisted up in hangman's neckbreaker position. The move you think you're taking is already devastating enough, but it's more a transition move instead of a finisher. You can recover. In the split second between peak and suspected impact, you think something's wrong because he's keeping you up at a standing position for just a bit too long. Before you have the chance to turn around, CRACK, you get brained by one of the hardest elbows in professional wrestling. That, in a nutshell, is Chris Hero's Death Blow and why it's one of my favorite moves ever.

Big Heat's Hot Takes: The American Way

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Why don't you just sit back and ENJOY the patriotism????
Photo Credit: WWE.com
This past Monday on RAW, everyone’s favorite xenophobic babyface Zeb Colter decided to define what the American flag actually represented. And, hoo boy, did it get everyone into a tizzy. Apparently, while some people are okay with cheering for former bad guy Colter and his charge Jack Swagger because YAY MURICA, they didn’t take too kindly to what The Real Americans had to say about Old Glory.

So, what did the WWE Universe find to be so offensive? (Possibly paraphrasing here)

“This flag represents a father teaching his son to fish, or a mother teaching her daughter to cook.”

and

“This flag represents pick-up trucks, and pretty girls, and beer!”

Why the issue? GENDER STEREOTYPING, WHAT IS THIS 1870, BRO?

Because in America in 2014, you’re not allowed to wax nostalgic or value tradition. EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE PROGRESSIVE.

As soon as the words about the father/son and mother/daughter passed Colter’s glorious mustache, I braced myself, a la Ned Stark for winter - Liberalism is Coming, I thought. And sure enough, my Twitter feed was littered with people bemoaning the fact that gender roles that had been defined generations ago were being reinforced on a show that predominately features men grappling in their underwear.

“Why can’t the mother and daughter be fishing? Why can’t the father and son be cooking?” the tweets poured in. Well, by that logic, let me ask this: Why can’t the father be teaching his daughter to fish? Why can’t the mother be teaching her son to cook? Why do the men and women have to be segregated by sex? If you’re going to whine about who’s being taught to follow old-fashioned and archaic gender roles, go the extra mile and be offended at who’s teaching the old-fashioned and archaic gender roles to be followed. Only in America can a group of people half-ass being offended.

And what about Colter’s other questioned line, about the trucks, women, and booze? How could this possibly be considered offensive? Well, some folks who claim to be proud Americans don’t drive pick-up trucks, or don’t like women, or don’t drink beer. They take the bus, and enjoy the company of men, or are straight-edge. Their major complaint was regarding the implication that because they didn’t subscribe to the trucks/girls/beer lifestyle, they weren’t “real Americans.”

Here’s what’s getting lost in this whole debate - a babyface is supposed to appeal to the widest possible audience to elicit the largest positive crowd reaction possible. And let’s not forget that Colter and Swagger are both from the South; both men’s hometowns are full of beer and pick-up trucks, and who doesn't love a pretty girl? Most guys want to find one, and most girls want people to think they’re pretty (not all, but most).

In today’s America, it seems to be the trend to be offended by everything. Had Colter said the flag represented apple pie and baseball, people would have responded with, “I’m diabetic,” and, “Baseball is boring, let’s watch soccer!” If we’re not complaining, we’re not happy.

But if Colter said, “This flag represents the right to be offended by everything, and speak your mind about it!” he’s back to being a heel.
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