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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 141

August 13, 2014, 12:30 pm
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Bill Dundee taking it to Jerry Lawler in the halcyon days of Memphis 'rasslin.
Screen Grab Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to the first I Listen So You Don’t Have To. Basically, I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Here goes nothing.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 141
Run Time: 1:43:16
Guest:“Superstar” Bill Dundee

Summary: Most fans of a certain age are at least familiar with Dundee’s legendary feud with Jerry “The King” Lawler, but if you weren’t watching his run in Memphis as it unfolded, you likely don’t fully grasp the context that helped make his greatest moments part of wrestling lore. Lots of stories about Memphis in the 1970s and early 1980s, including many names the modern fan may not recognize or appreciate.

Quote of the week:“You want to buy your family nice things, but you have to be gone every day to do it. You can’t be home and make money too, not in our business anyway.” — Dundee

Why you should listen: It’s been a while since Austin told some fresh stories about his earliest days in the ring, and more importantly, Dundee is one of the lesser-known greats for a variety of reasons. This episode is tailor-made for those who want to know more about the nuts and bolts of in-ring work. Plus, there’s a good bit about the infamous concession stand brawl in Tupelo, MS. And the guy is still working at age 71, don’t you owe him at least 90 minutes of your day?

Why you should skip it: If you like to listen to podcasts at 1.5x or 2x, this could be a challenge. Between Dundee’s Australian accent and the quality of his audio connection, a 1x listen might be essential if you want to process every word. Also, Dundee isn’t the most succinct storyteller, and if you’ve already seen Memphis Heat, it’s likely this podcast won’t break any new ground. If you’re only interested in contemporary stuff, stay far away, unless you want to mine for the nugget where the diminutive Dundee expresses an appreciation for Daniel Bryan.

Final thoughts: Austin seems to be getting away from the Jim Ross method of rambling for 20 or 30 minutes at the start of each show. After the ads (which I skip) and a brief plug for his current TV project, the interview starts about six minutes into the recording. Austin tends to be at his best when he really knows the career of his interview subject, which he certainly does in regard to Dundee. However, as he’s more a student of Dundee’s than a contemporary, this episode lacks some of the revealing aspects that made Austin’s shows with guys like Kevin Nash and Scott Hall such standouts.
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Who Took the Hammer?

August 13, 2014, 2:30 pm
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Losing the Thunder Frog has not gotten any easier over the last month
Photo Credit: TH
The Estonian Thunder Frog, the sweet, kind, gargantuan amphibian with the Herculean strength, he was sent back to the Baltic States on his White Ship of Peace far too soon. He may not have been the first casualty of this war between Chikara and The Flood, but his loss looms the largest. However, he has left one relic behind, one that no one theoretically would be able to lift but him, his hammer. However, at the end of the following, seemingly innocuous video tribute, a pair of hands is seen grabbing AND picking up said hammer. WHO COULD IT BE? Watch the video and see if you recognize the hands.



I could not discern whose hands picked up the hammer. Trying to identify someone from his or her forearms and fists is pretty difficult unless that person had some kind of identifier that I may not have picked up on. The title of the video, however, suggests that this person who has inherited the weapon of thunder may not be the biggest or strongest. Maybe that person is the purest of heart. So would the inheritor then be Icarus? Hallowicked? UltraMantis Black? Someone completely different that no one is considering?

Or what if the darkest timeline is still where Chikara resides, and the one who lifted the hammer was from The Flood? What if worthiness had nothing to do with the side that the holder was fighting on, but rather the conviction of heart? I have a bad feeling about all of this, especially if the one who wields the hammer now is an ideologue of death and destruction, the one who put the Frog out of his misery in the first place.

However, maybe the amphibious warrior for peace is not truly gone. His former tag team partner, best friend, and World's Sweetest Man Jervis Cottonbelly has taken up arms to attempt bringing the Estonian Thunder Frog back onto this plane, and his search has been public via his Twitter account:
Whatever quest Mr. Cottonbelly is on, he seems to be getting close to his endgame. While I want the Thunder Frog back more than anything in the world of wrestling that I could want to happen, I am not sure one should necessarily go barking up the tree of dark magics. My dear bride watches a show called Once Upon a Time, and the one phrase I remember hearing ad nauseam whenever I'm in the room with her as she's watching it is that "Magic always comes with a price." If the Thunder Frog were to be resurrected, would the Cottonbelly and the rest of the Chikaraverse necessarily like what they see? Would he even be the same? Then again, I guess trying wouldn't hurt...
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Dispatches from the Lake: Poorly Timed Nostalgia and the Casual WWE Fan

August 14, 2014, 4:30 am
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This celebration was fun, but was it best for the narrative?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
We all tend to look back at the media of our childhood with fondness and love. I’m as guilty of it as anyone. I’ve almost gotten into bar fights over which is the best Transformer. (The answer is Starscream, and if you care to disagree, I’ll be waiting by the dumpsters out back.) I’ve sung the praises of animated shows from my youth without having seen them in 20 years. You go back and watch those now, and a handful still hold up. Animaniacs is still glorious, but that Sonic the Hedgehog show from Saturday mornings is a hard watch, friends.

WWE seems to have that same affliction we all have. Watching the Hulk Hogan fest at the end of RAW made it all the more apparent.

WWE has a love of the past just because it was the past (when they can be bothered to remember what happened more than a month ago, but that's a rant for another time). Hogan was involved in great moments, but there’s a lot of stuff there that’s pretty terrible too. I get that the Hulkster was the man during what the WWE presents as the golden age of wrestling, but why close out the show before one of the four major yearly events with his birthday party? Isn’t there more pressing business?

That last paragraph sounds like I completely dismiss Hogan and everything he’s contributed to wrestling. I’m not trying to say that. I was a Hulkamaniac when I was a kid, though "Macho Man" Randy Savage was always the big favorite in our house. I was more than a little sad that he wasn’t around to be out there with everyone on RAW. I just think the nostalgia parade was poorly timed.

Honest question. If you aren’t already subscribed to the WWE Network, would you be any more inclined to buy it after that segment? Are you more inclined to renew your subscription?

Truthfully, I wouldn’t have even given RAW’s ending a second thought if it had been Brock Lesnar descending from his steak dinner to inflict some violence on the old timers. Isn’t that the point of them? They come to the ring, get the adulation they deserve, then a vicious heel comes down and decimates them. This isn’t rocket science. Move your story forward. I get most of the guys in the ring would have turned to dust and blown away had they taken an F5, but then stick someone in there who could still take it.

They can’t sell the Network on nostalgia alone. Better stories, dynamic characters, and more original content with a healthy dose of glory days nostalgia will sell the Network to fans. I really don’t think that formula will reel in the casual fans. I watch it a fair amount every week, so I get my money’s worth. But a casual fan? I don’t see it happening.

WWE needs as many people to sign up for the Network as they can get. This includes those casual fans that only come around for the big events like WrestleMania and, to a lesser extent, SummerSlam. These people might tune in to the episodes of RAW leading up to the show. Those are eyes on the product that WWE wants to hold on to, and while I think that Hogan does pull some of those lapsed fans back in, I’m not sure that he captures that long term interest. Parading classic wrestlers your alleged target age group doesn’t recognize into the ring and having them stand around not doing anything won’t keep any of those eyes on the product. If the casual fan can be bothered to tune in, they flip on the program, say “Hey, so and so is still alive. Good for them.”, and then go about their evening, if they tune in at all.

Nostalgia is only going to get so far with these people. If they aren’t watching wrestling every week on television, why the hell would they pay ten dollars a month for the Network they won’t watch that often?

But what the hell do I know? I spend my time waiting out by dumpsters to fight people over how awesome Starscream is.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: The Ross Report Ep. 26

August 14, 2014, 6:30 am
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Bubba Ray Dudley tread no new ground, but is an articulate speaker
Photo Credit: ImpactWrestling.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: The Ross Report
Episode: 26
Run Time: 1:59:08
Guest: Bubba Ray Dudley/Bully Ray

Summary: The meat of the show starts at 36:35. The first half hour is, per usual, Ross opining on the issues of the day. Naturally, SummerSlam dominates his thoughts. The 90-minute interview with Dudley covers pretty much every aspect of his career, from how he got into the business up to his current run in TNA and a glimpse at what the future might hold.

Quote of the week: “I think [being a heel] is the easiest thing in the world, and I’m proud to say I think I proved it over the past two years. You have to go out there and not do or say one thing that elicits the emotion of happiness from the people. I don’t want to go out there and say anything cool. I don’t want to go out there and say anything funny. I don’t want to do a move that pops people. Everything that I do, from start to finish, I want you to hate me just a little bit more. I don’t want to be the heel just because the other guy is the babyface. I want to be the heel because you hate me more than you love him. And I embrace that. I don’t go out there to just get your traditional boo. I want to go out there and elicit such hatred form you that when I go to my car there’s a brick through my window saying, ‘Don’t ever come back to this town.’ I want you to slash my tires.”

Why you should listen: Two reasons — either you’re a complete newcomer to Dudley’s career and need a good overview, or you’re a Bubba Ray devotee who hangs on the man’s every word. Also, don’t be afraid of there being too much ECW nostalgia or glorification of the TLC matches. Plus, especially if you listen at 2x, you might lapse and think you’re listening to Paul Heyman. And at least JR doesn’t say anything patently offensive or ridiculously self-serving.

Why you should skip it: You don’t care what JR thinks about who should win at SummerSlam. Beyond that, the show touches so many topics it offers little depth on any of them. I haven’t seen more than 30 seconds of Dudley’s work in TNA, but this interview told me nothing I didn’t already know about that or any other aspect of his career.

Final thoughts: Dudley is a thoughtful speaker with a broad range of experiences. But if you’re already familiar with Ross’ thoughts on the wrestling business of yesterday, today and tomorrow, you know pretty much what Dudley has to say on the same topics. The only interesting anecdote regards the Dudleys, Hardys and Edge and Christian wanting a bigger payout after their SummerSlam TLC match, but that’s hardly new information. Especially given the fact this episode clocks in at two hours, you’re better off looking for other interviews to satisfy your Dudley curiosity.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 89

August 14, 2014, 8:30 am
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Not pictured: My scene
Photo Credit: Mariott.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday morning. Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!
I don't necessarily hate golf, for starters. I throw a lot of shade its way on Twitter, sure, but I reserve my hate for things like bigotry, inequality, and Eric Bischoff. I also enjoy playing the miniaturized version of the game, and I hope that my days in the future are filled with trips to the Putt-Putt course with my family. With all of that in mind, most of my distaste for golf is derived from its boring nature. I've watched a lot of sports in my life, and any one that I'm a fan of has kept my attention at some point on a consistent basis. I've never watched any golf footage that didn't bore me to tears, and the idea of playing a round of real golf just is not appealing to me. People who are good at it (for amateurs, not talking Phil Mickelson here) still always talk about how frustrating and hard it is to play. The undercurrent to my malaise towards the game is how bourgeois it is. You need to spend money on a set of clubs, which can run you a lot of money. And you need to either have a country club membership or know someone who is in one to play on a good course. Then you hang out with the CEO crowd, and that group of people is just not my scene. If you're into golf, then more power to you. It's just not the game or the scene for me.
One, any shirt that puts the booker over automatically loses 15% of its coolness. Would you wear a Vince McMahon shirt? "I'm a Paul Heyman Guy" gear becomes less cool when you realize it's basically glorifying someone for building his name on a company he helped bankrupt. Even Delirious or Adam Pearce apparel lose charm given their status as current or former head booker in ROH. But anyway, I get asked this question quite a bit, and the answer changes from time to time, but the best shirt ever on this certain day is the Dirty Dirty Sheets-sponsored Portia Perez shirt that says plainly, in white typeface on a black background, "Portia Perez Hates Me." The shirt is minimalist, has an ironic message, and allows you to support the heel monetarily while allowing that wrestler to be booed during the actual show.
I honestly don't know. Like I noted yesterday, identifying a person just through looking at their hands is hard, and those hands did not have any obvious identifying features. The inheritor could have been anyone. The darkest timeline scenario would have Deucalion taking the hammer, although I don't think Chikara will head into that bleak a direction so soon after shutting down the company for nearly a year. Icarus could be the one to lift the mythical tool, but he's already Grand Champion. I may be wishing with my heart here, but I think the one who claimed the hammer is none other than surviving best friend, former tag partner, and current quester for resurrection, Jervis Cottonbelly. The World's Sweetest Man is certainly worthy of wielding the Mjolnir-like implement, and as the perfect gentleman, he would know not to misuse it.
Still recovering from neck injuries suffered at the hands of a long and arduous wrestling career. However, once Daniel Bryan recovers and returns to the ring like I know he will, all will be right with the world again.
3D is a nice tag team finisher, but it's hardly my favorite. Another ECW team holds the distinction of having my most cherished double-team move ever. John Kronos hit 'em high. Perry Saturn got 'em low. The victim went down like a ton of bricks in a near instant, with Joey Styles screeching "TOTAL ELIMINATION" at the top of his lungs. That move was the perfect storm.
Missile Assault Ant!

Side note, does anyone else think that Missile Assault Ant was shot at close range, survived, and now has the same syndrome Mr. Burns did after his brush with handgun-related violence?
In the remaining first round matches, the Vaudevillains quickly and summarily dispatch the team of Mojo Rawley and "The Nature Boy" Bull Dempsey, and Sin Cara and Kalisto upend Wesley Blake and Buddy Murphy. Then, the Vaudevillains would defeat Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady in the semifinals, giving them a finals match against Las Luchas, who will have defeated Sami Zayn and Adam Rose. Finally, in the finals, the Vaudevillains would defeat the luchadors and then go on to END the Ascension's NXT Tag Team Championship run. Now, that scenario is not playing out, but you asked me to book the rest of the tournament, not predict it.
With the current rash of "deaths," trios are falling apart at the seams. I could comfortably pencil in the Baltic Siege or the BDK or the Batiri in the past; now, all of those factions are a man down without replacement. Now, Chikara and The Flood are appearing to become MASH units. Still, I think I can give some kind of projection for a good part of the field:
  1. THE COLONY (Fire, Silver, and Worker Ants)
  2. THE SPECTRAL ENVOY (UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked, Frightmare)
  3. TEAM CANADA (Shane Matthews, Scott Parker, Archibald Peck)
  4. THE BLOC PARTY (Proletariat Boar of Moldova, Mr. Azerbaijan, Prakash Sabar)
  5. THE WRECKING CREW (Any combination of Blaster McMassive, Max Smashmaster, Flex Rumblecrunch, Jaka, and Oleg the Usurper)
  6. COLONY X-TREME FORCE (Missile Assault Ant, Orbit Adventure Ant, Arctic Rescue Ant)
  7. THE ODDITORIUM (Sinn Bodhi, Qefka the Quiet, Oliver Grimsley)
  8. DR. CUBE'S LABORATORY (Dr. Cube, Haack, Slaash)
Eight trios right now are well-defined and composed. However, enough scraps and unattached roster members could team up and form trios going forward. For example, "Smooth Sailing" Ashley Remington has a similar kind of vibe to the team of Old Fashioned, enough that he could sub in as a partner for Cottonbelly and Marion Fontaine. Or, Cottonbelly could step forward as the Estonian Thunder Frog's replacement in the Baltic Siege. Perhaps Blind Rage could fill in for Kobald in the Batiri, or on the other side, Delirious could fall back under the trance of Ares and sub in for Tursas within the BDK. Would the Throwbacks have an ace card up their sleeves with maybe a reunion with Sugar Dunkerton? Might Soldier Ant fuse with 17 and The Shard to form a more perfect Gekido? What about the Wrestle Factory grads? Kid Cyclone seems like a leader type. He might end up leading the charge with any number of the fresh debuts from school.

Of course, the hope from many is that King of Trios totally is NOT an in-house production this year, although the vibe given off by the shows produced so far leads me to believe guest stars will be at a minimum if any appear at all. The roster has glutted to the point where 48 wrestlers could easily be booked within the ranks of the current narrative. Personally, I like my King of Trios weekends to have at least a sprinkling of guests coming in and giving the native flavor a bit of a kick, much like a nice dish of pasta can always use a sprinkling of red pepper flake. I understand if this year's all Chikara, no guests, but I'll be just a little disappointed.
I went to a WWF house show back in 1994 at the Spectrum. The main event was also my most vivid memory, as Bret Hart defended the WWF Championship against his brother Owen. I most remember seeing the elder Hart place the Sharpshooter on his little brother, getting the apparent victory, and then not letting go after the bell had rung. He was later disqualified for not releasing the hold, which gave Owen some bragging rights. I'm not sure why the WWF decided to redo the ending of the Hart/Jerry Lawler match from SummerSlam the previous year, but the finish got the point across.

Private Twitter user @brianbrown25:
My enjoyment of WWE has now evolved in to me rooting for things to happen that will piss off Twitter wrestling fans. I'm irrationally cheering for Cena on Sunday just to watch the backlash. Am I crazy? #tweetbag
I wouldn't say you're crazy. Spite, annoyance, and outright schadenfreude are all normal human emotions. I would be lying if a piece of me wasn't wishing for Cena to win just to see the nuclear meltdown not only from the people who hate Cena because he's boring and "sucks," but from the amateur businessmen who think that Lesnar's character would be further ruined. Of course, I would agree with the sentiment that Lesnar winning here would be the best move, but at the same time, I really don't give a flying fuck about WWE's financials, especially for a story that right now doesn't demand either guy needs to win.
I wish every indie wrestler could suckle from WWE's still milky teat right now. Just because Vince McMahon lost a bunch of speculative value through stocks doesn't mean that Stamford still isn't the most lucrative game in town. But my shortlist of wrestlers that I think would fit the best in WWE right now are as follows:
  1. Eddie Kingston - His brawling game is on point, and surprise surprise, brawling gets you the furthest in WWE in terms of main events. He's also one of the most charismatic wrestlers on the scene, even if that charisma is understated at times. He's done everything he can do in Chikara, and he'd just be doing the same thing over again if he moved laterally into ROH or Gabe-Land full-time.
  2. The Young Bucks - If their Twitter clues are any indication, they may just be the next big signees to NXT, but until they're Orlando-bound, I'll keep stumping for them to get a WWE job. Sure, tag team wrestling isn't as hot in WWE as it was in the early '00s or the mid-to-late '80s, but if the company infused itself with talented teams to go along with the Wyatts, Usos, and Ascension, then it can have its own renaissance without much of a need to build from scratch.
  3. Uhaa Nation - Seriously, he would blow minds if ever given a WWE stage, as long as the agents laying out his matches have seen what he can do in places like Dragon Gate.
  4. Cheerleader Melissa - WWE tends not to give a chance to wrestlers who have the stink of TNA on them, but Melissa, much like Kingston, has no ground left to conquer without getting a chance to run with the men in a nationwide promotion. If the direction towards giving women more of a stage in WWE isn't a false flag, then shouldn't the most decorated American pro wrestler be there to be a part of the revolution? And while I'm at it, let her bring Kharma/Amazing Kong back too.
A lot of this match rides on how much ring rust Stephanie McMahon has. Wrestling, I've heard, is like riding a bike in that one never forgets how to work, but McMahon has been out of the ring for awhile, was never a regular performer on a week-to-week basis, and she's not exactly in the ring with Ayako Hamada over here. Brie Bella has improved, but she, at best, on the lower end of a top 15 women wrestlers list within the company. This match may be heavily gimmicked and super overbooked, and I wouldn't be totally shocked if Megan Miller, Triple H, Nikki Bella, and Daniel Bryan all don't get involved somehow. Basically, the only thing I'm reasonably expecting is the end of the feud and a segue into something different for both competitors.
Two ways to look at this question are in play. If I'm trying to project who is going to take the longest to get ready for the main roster, the one to stay the longest is either KENTA or Prince Devitt. I would lean more towards KENTA being the longest to prepare because unless Funaki is paired with him as a full-time translator/mouthpiece, he'll need to master English a little better if he's going to get a stage to work from management. Personally, I think KENTA could get over without saying a word, but WWE seems to have its way of thinking about people and their capacity to be full entertainers.

However, if you believe the rumors, Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville, both of whom have been ready for the main roster for awhile, have been kept in NXT because they provide star power and a reason for people to watch on the WWE Network. With that rationale in mind, then wouldn't Kevin Steen be the one who stays at Full Sail the longest? He could pop right onto the main roster now, but that reason is why he might be in it for the long haul. Every promotion he's climbed to the top of has been must-see, and if WWE's main event scene nucleates the way it seems to be doing right now, he'd just get lost in the shuffle. WWE is getting to the point where it can have two viable, separate promotions on its hand on two completely different media, and maybe NXT is becoming less and less of a developmental territory and more of an alternative product.
Plenty have. Twitter culture seems to require an unhealthy appetite to read what is poorly thought-out so one can have the correct kind of outrage. This kind of self-flagellation is necessary to combat the evils of the world, but sometimes, having to read yet another race-baiting screed from Michelle Malkin or more innocently, listen to another treatise by Colin Cowherd about how gritty white athletes are superior because heart or some bullshit is just too fucking much for a single person to handle. I only have so much of a capacity for bullshit, and the problem is none of that bullshit is particularly surprising. The reason why I don't regularly fisk the bottom-feeder columnists at WrestleZone like Mark Madden is because at what point am I just shouting at the abyss anyway?
My answer would be to go on a pub crawl in Ireland with Sheamus. The dude seems like he's genuinely fun to hang out with judging by his Twitter, and he would know where to go to get the best pints and pub food. In all honesty, I'd be scared to hang out with any performer in the industry, because I don't want to be let down if they're assholes. But I'd be willing to make the exception for Sheamus in this case, just as a test run.
I really don't have one. It's all stream of consciousness that's continually self-edited.
Firstly, BRAWK LESNARRRRRRR will punch his spot in the WrestleMania main event by winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam and putting a chokehold on it. Second, Roman Reigns wins the Royal Rumble and punches his ticket into a title scene from which he was violently ejected after Battleground. Third, Seth Rollins, tired of his attempts at cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase being continually thwarted, makes it a triple threat match using said briefcase. Finally, Dean Ambrose forces his way into the match by defeating Triple H at Elimination Chamber and getting a veritable golden ticket. Brock Lesnar vs. The Shield, as fractured as it may be at present time. What a way to end WrestleMania, eh?
I'm conflicted between two former Shield bros. On one hand, Dean Ambrose could be WWE's next big thing. A guy like him could sure use the star treatment of having a real live band come down from the mountain and give him his very own, custom-written theme song. But his allure is in being anti-establishment, unpredictable, and unwilling to take a handout. Everyone knows that if a famous band gives him a theme song that Triple H won't be able to resist saying that he paid for the song like he did when he reminded CM Punk that he paid for the rights to "Cult of Personality."

On the other hand, Seth Rollins is the kind of guy who could use Triple H's connections within the rock world to get his very own theme song written by some cock rock band. But then again, if the goal is to keep him heel, then his personal band couldn't be too cool, and if the band writing for him is too lame, then how much better is it than his current super-generic theme? However, Rollins getting the music seems to be much less of a risk than Ambrose. WWE just needs to find a gem from an unsigned band or to have Jim Johnston recreate magic for Ambrose and let Rollins go the "famous band" route.
To be honest, I don't really venture too far into the rural areas of America that often, and the small towns that really qualify as small towns I've been to didn't offer much in the way of good eats that weren't from a name brand. I'm cheating when I answer this, but the best answers I have are Sea Isle City, NJ and Freeport, ME. The former is a shore town that gets a lot of visitors from the Philadelphia, Washington, and Baltimore areas, and the latter is right outside Portland. But still, they're both smaller towns that have good food. The former has a variety of great places to eat, and the latter has awesome seafood and a kickass gastropub in Gritty's.
Favorite movie is easy. Tommy Boy is one of the most quotable, memorable, and hilarious movies to come out of the SNL camp. Farley was at his best, and David Spade played an effective straight man. Plus, Dan Aykroyd and Rob Lowe were pretty funny as well. As for my favorite sketch? Well, I'm glad you asked...


I have no idea. I mean, it's not like he's never had a really good singles match, or that his limited mic skills are already wearing thin, or that he already is getting the John Cena superman treatment without paying the dues that Cena did to get where he's at. Where would you get such an idea?
I'm going to forward your resumé to Titan Towers right now, if that's okay with you. Okay?
I have not, and I feel shame for missing out on it. But I will watch it soon, and everyone else should probably do that too.
I haven't been following the transfer wire or transactions, but since the boys were close to relegation this year, and since Queens Park Rangers are back and suddenly improved, I'm on the edge of my seat. I gotta think that they'll be in a fight for their Premiere League lives again this year while the fatcats on top like Manchester City, Arsenal, and Tottenham Hotspur vie for the league title again. I mean, didn't the Spurs pick up DeAndre Yeldin? I don't have a good feeling about this year.
I would still hate it. Right now, the best option for a brand split would be to flesh out NXT and make it the secondary "brand," not in competition with RAW/WWE, but as a supplement or an alternative. All the brand split bullshit was forced and fake anyway. But NXT has a whole different aesthetic to it. It has a different booking team, and a fresher look at what wrestling could be. It's a better Smackdown than Smackdown could ever be.
Well, while I do despise Mr. Bischoff for his indiscretions, mostly for his socioeconomic rabble than anything he's done in wrestling, I don't want to see him killed. So, with that in mind...

  1. Make him watch WWE's revisionist history of the history of WCW on repeat for a whole week straight with his eyes held open, A Clockwork Orange-style.
  2. Chinese water torture. BOOM.
  3. Make him watch as rich people give away money to the poor and then right afterwards give speeches in support of Obamacare.

Yeah, those three oughtta make him good and uncomfortable.
*Kanye voice* VINCE MCMAHON DON'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

Err, I mean, I think that explanation is as good as any. WWE probably overreacted to the article that appeared in The Atlantic, set off a stable with all black guys with the idea that it would tap into the zeitgeist of the Nation of Domination without realizing why that was a bad idea, and then scrapped it when someone within Creative convinced McMahon he'd be missing the point completely. Of course, I doubt Big E Langston, Kofi Kingston, or Xavier Woods will continue to get pushed after that, but again, I don't think Vince McMahon really cares about black people. For real.
Nope. The term "Diva" is too valuable a branding technique for WWE. I just threw up in my mouth a little reading that last sentence back, because I would rather die than sound like Darren Rovell. I think if WWE changes the name of the division, it won't be from Diva to Women, but it would be a soft shift from Diva to Superstar. However, that day is probably a long way's off, since WWE is seemingly behind most other entertainment purveyors in terms of treating women.
My crystal ball doesn't allow me to give rationales for these matches, mainly because I just don't know how erratically WWE is going to go from now until next year. But if I had to make a hopeful guess...

WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP STEEL CAGE MATCH
Seth Rollins (c) vs. Dean Ambrose

John Cena vs. Roman Reigns

Daniel Bryan vs. Antonio Cesaro

Bad News Barrett vs. Randy Orton

Bray Wyatt, Erick Rowan, and Luke Harper vs. The Miz, his life coach Bo Dallas, and his hired muscle Ryback

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
The Ascension (c) vs. Sheamus and Prince Devitt (I am so sorry)

WWE UNIFIED INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Sami Zayn (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Nattie Neidhart (c) vs. Sasha Banks

PRE-SHOW MATCH
AJ Lee vs. Summer Rae

In other words, your guess is as good as mine.
This choice might be unconventional, but I liked The Union. Ken Shamrock, Mick Foley, Test, and The Big Show may have been four disparate personalities, but they carried two-by-fours, and they promoted gang warfare against the evil conglomerate running WWE at the time. Babyface stables for whatever reason don't tend to last nearly as long as heel stables do, but that coalescence of talent had some potential, especially since it would help hide the weaknesses of its lesser members. Of course, at the time, three of the members could have been considered "lesser," but that talking point is for another day and time.
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Ray Rowe Injured and Other Inspire Pro-Related News

August 14, 2014, 10:30 am
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Rowe will miss a bunch of time thanks to his broken arm
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Via ROH Wrestling

Ring of Honor has announced that Ray Rowe will miss significant time due to injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident. The most serious injury is a broken arm that will require rehabilitation and surgery to fix. Rowe has been rising up the ranks in ROH in a tag team with Hanson known as War Machine. He is a considerably bigger star in his current home base state of Texas, where he was scheduled to wrestle "One Man" Mike Dell for the Inspire Pro Championship at the promotion's next event. Obviously, the injury throws a spanner into the works of many different promotions, but the most important thing is that Rowe convalesces completely and is able to return to doing whatever it is he chooses to do. From the sounds of it, he is raring to get back into the ring.

In other Inspire Pro news, ring announcer, With Spandex/Leather chieftain, and friend of the blog Brandon Stroud is not taking his current spate of death threats against his person from one Lance Hoyt laying down. While he admits that he can do all of nothing against the former WWE and current New Japan superstar that would harm him, he's still not turning tail and running away. For his sake, I hope he pulls a Tyrion Lannister and gets a champion worthy of fighting for him against the hulking brute who apparently missed the entire lesson on how not to be a bully. The full video can be seen below.

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Throwback Thursday: Chicken Crumbs

August 14, 2014, 12:30 pm
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In my estimation, The Miz might be one of the few guys that I would call "underrated" without any trepidation. People in the biz like to trash him. He gets overwhelming hate on Twitter during any time he's on camera on RAW. Yet, the dude is one of the classic smarmy heels who has the ability to get under fans' skin with a conviction that not many wrestlers around today can attain. Right now, he's building his newest run upon a foundation that actually lacks any kind of passion, yet he kills it as a Hollywood phony just as much as he did during his "Haters Welcome" run between the breakup of his tag team with John Morrison through the dissolution of the Awesome Truth. The pinnacle of that run came one night on RAW when he, as the United States Champion, decided he'd give everyone, including his then-feud rival MVP, a little history lesson. It still gives me shivers just remembering it.

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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show, Ep. 142

August 15, 2014, 4:30 am
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Foley didn't need his finery to guest on the Steve Austin Show
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show (Unleashed)
Episode: 142
Run Time: 1:28:42
Guest: Mick Foley (part one)

Summary: Austin starts with an amusing (I guess?) story about an unexpectedly adventurous boat outing, but the good stuff with Foley begins at 14:31. The interview rambles a bit, spanning from Foley’s teenage years on Long Island and to the Dean Ambrose feud that never happened. There’s not much in the way of sequence, however. Highlights include the boys talking about paydays and confronting Jim Ross when the checks seemed a little light, Foley’s interactions with Drew McIntyre, concussions and regret.

Quote of the week: Regarding Foley’s favorite character to play — “We, collectively, and I’m talking about WWE, talking about Vince, specifically in one case Hunter, did a great job of creating the differentiation in people’s minds. To some people, they say, ‘Forget about the Cell match. My favorite moment is when you did the promo when you transformed from Mankind to Cactus Jack.’ Keeping in mind that all I was doing was removing one shirt to reveal another. … It wouldn’t have been dead, but greatly reduced, had Hunter just laughed and given that, ‘You’re the same guy with a different shirt.’ He didn’t go that route. He put it over like he was seeing a ghost, a larger-than-life superhero. I’m getting goosebumps talking about it. It was one of those great moments, like a do-or-die moment, this guy either means something or he doesn’t.”

Why you should listen: Foley is an in-studio guest, which dramatically improves not just the audio fidelity but also Austin’s interaction and interview skills — and he derives an extra boost based on their shared history. Their chemistry together continues today. If you’re a regular listener of the “What A Maneuver” podcast (and why wouldn’t you be?) you will appreciate Foley’s thoughts on the 1997 interviews with Ross that cemented his legacy as one of the cornerstones of the Attitude Era.

Why you should skip it: Foley is perhaps the most honestly examined personality in modern pro wrestling, much of which comes via his own word and pen. As such, any serious Foley fan is unlikely to learn anything new. The scattershot nature of the conversation makes it difficult for either man to go deep on any of the various subjects addressed.

Final thoughts: I can’t get enough Mick Foley. Many will argue he’s overexposed (both himself and “this business”), but I find him an endlessly fascinating human. Since there’s a part two coming up on next week’s show, I’ll reserve judgment on whether his time with Austin was worthwhile for fans. But if you’re only making time for one show this week, and especially if you can listen at 2x, this is a fun time.
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The Polling Place: Grado/Abyss, SummerSlam, Fantasy Football

August 15, 2014, 6:30 am
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Is the MONSTER a good enough replacement for Grado?
Photo Credit: ImpactWrestling.com
Welcome to the Polling Place, where I lay the choices down and you pick one per poll. First up on the docket, Scottish comedic wrestling icon Grado was supposed to make his American debut for Absolute Intense Wrestling in September, but TNA swooped in and booked him from under the Cleveland indie's nose. However, as a makegood for taking the centerpiece of AIW's early fall tripleshot, TNA has offered the services of Abyss for the middle of the three dates. My question to you, which one would you rather see?


Second, SummerSlam is Sunday, and the unquestioned biggest match on the card is the rematch from Extreme Rules 2012, as John Cena defends the WWE World Heavyweight Championship against Brock Lesnar. The rest of the card looks solid, but one could make a case for at least five matches as being the second most important one on the show. After the main event, which match holds the most importance?


Finally, the football preseason is here again, which means fantasy football drafts are happening all around the country. The fantasy game has gone from niche thing that dorks do to an almost universal side hobby for fans across the country and world. As for the top player, the field seems narrowed down among three running backs. However, some leagues have quarterback-friendly scoring, and still others might reward going for the best wide receiver available overall. Whom would you select if you had the first overall pick in your fantasy draft?

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Big Heat's Hot Takes: Who Needs A Main Event Match?

August 15, 2014, 8:30 am
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Who needs matches to end the show when you've got THIS?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Glad to be back, folks! I had to take last week off to film a role in a moviedesign some new merchandise that looks like McDonald's uniformseat Jimmy John's well, it really doesn't matter why I took last week off. Just know that even if I miss a week, I'll be here every week, Jack.

Anywho, a lot has happened since the last time I turned up the (Big) heat, so let's get right into the action - assuming, of course, you're not looking for action in the main event of RAW.

You see, the last time an episode of Monday Night RAW went off the air with a match was before Battleground; July 14, the show ended with a 3-on-2 handicap match pitting Randy Orton, Seth Rollins, and Kane against John Cena and Roman Reigns. If you recall - and you probably don't - the heels were DQed for, um, something? Nothing? My brain hurts trying to think, because in the grand scheme of things, it was truly inconsequential. All I know is that Rollins feigned an injury, and the other four competitors kept fighting until the show faded to black to set up the main event championship match at Battleground.

But since Cena retained his championship in that four-way match, each show has ended with someone talking, or multiple someones talking, or a contract signing, or even a birthday party. Technically, Heath Slater wrestled in the main event of an episode of Raw without the Nexus being involved. AND HE WON!

This shift away from wrestling matches being the main event of a wrestling show is intriguing - it's kind of like watching a football game, and at the two-minute warning the pads come off and the coaches try to win the game by announcing their plays instead of running them. Not exactly what the fans paid money to see.

But does it work in the professional wrestling setting? Football is an athletic endeavor, so taking away the athletic portion of the game is kind of ridiculous. But pro wrestling is equal parts athletics and theater, or sport and story. Taking out one or the other isn't as disastrous as losing the football part of football. Sometimes on RAW, you want to see a HOSS FIGHT with little to no context, because it's awesome. Similarly, sometimes you want to see Paul Heyman describe in detail what Brock Lesnar is capable of, as the Beast just stands there grinning like an idiot.

Speaking from a strictly programming standpoint, I can see the allure of having a promo segment both opening and closing the show - kind of like bookends. Symmetry is a wonderful thing, and maintaining order and balance in an art form is a goal most creators strive for.

"But what about starting and ending the show with a match?!?!" I imagine some of you frantically typing to ask me. Ever go see a musical? Bear with me for a second - old movies often follow the same kind of pattern, if you don't want to acknowledge that time you saw Cats or Phantom of the Opera. The very first thing that (traditionally) happens in a show filled with acting and singing and dancing is a dark stage with the curtain closed and only music playing to set the tone of the production. Only then do the actors emerge, and begin to sing and dance and Broadway it up.

And at the end of a musical? Exit music - there's a finale with no singing and dancing, then music for the actors to take their bows, and finally music to play the audience out of the building.  Bookends. There's no "action" taking place at the beginning or end of a musical (or old movie) - just like a wrestling show might begin and end with promos. The performers/wrestlers come out at the show's open and set the tone - here are some matches for tonight, this is happening soon, I want to fight you, etc. The close of the show can be one more promo to wrap everything up in a nice little bow - let's sign the contract for that match I demanded before, because of what happened tonight I'm angry, etc.

And besides, as long as Stephanie McMahon and Brie Bella aren't hogging the final segment, it's not like ratings have suffered. Whether that's more of "wow this is a great story" or "WHO IS LESNAR GOING TO TURN INTO A PILE OF BLOOD URINE AND VOMIT" I have no idea.
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Free Indie Wrestling from Georgia? That's Empire

August 18, 2014, 4:30 am
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Graphics via Empire Site
Empire Wrestling Dot Net

Hailing from a small town in northern Georgia, in the gravity of the Chattanooga, TN metro area, Empire Pro Wrestling has been doing its thing for a few years now. The promotion, which has garnered rave reviews from locals and Southern indie preservationists like Dylan Hales, has been putting matches up for free on YouTube for awhile now, but it has now upped the game substantially with a new website and membership option. From my understanding, its output will be increased. I haven't had the chance to check it out, so I'm not sure what the video quality is. However, the wrestling action that I've seen from these guys in the past has been refreshing and satisfying.

Wrestling is great in all forms, but when one can get a variety of styles and promotions available to them, the artform is at its peak. Empire has a distinctly different mode of operation than the super indies like Ring of Honor, but still the guys who perform for it show off exemplary skill and great handle on storytelling. You want to get in on the ground floor with this site and help shine a light on a state and company that deserve to have more eyes on it. Georgia indie wrestling is alive and doing quite well, and Empire is at the vanguard.
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Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

August 18, 2014, 6:30 am
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The birth of a new ship?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
First, something to add to the list of things that I find unbearable about Michael Cole: he always uses the word “nonetheless” to segue between subjects, even when it makes no sense to use that particular word. WORDS MEAN THINGS, COLE.

Should Be More than Friends—Dean Ambrose and Cesaro
Ever since this I started this whole friendship shebang, I've been captain of the good ship Cesaro + Sheamus, but I'm starting to fear that ship may have sailed. Cesaro and Sheamus haven't interacted on Smackdown for weeks; instead, Dean Ambrose has been having a series of intense and fun matches with our Swiss hero. Until now I've been content to just sit back and enjoy the show, but now I think that there might something more here. Sure, both men bring a certain amount of intensity to all of their matches, but together they crank things up to a whole other level, despite the fact that their matches are given no stakes—Cesaro's just the latest in a series of props standing between Ambrose and Seth Rollins. There's a story being told in their matches that is decidedly not a part of the main narrative.

And, yes, you COULD chalk this up to both men simply being excellent professional wrestlers with the knowledge and ability to put on a good match no matter what, but I insist that a complex and beautiful love story is once again playing out in our midst. A note about Rollins' taunts to Ambrose after the match: I've mentioned before that it is unacceptable to heedlessly fling around the word “bipolar” and I'm going to mention it again. Bipolar is not an insult or a synonym for “uncontrollable” or “erratic” or whatever the hell Rollins was trying to imply. Sometimes “bipolar” is incorrectly used to refer to someone being moody, but even that context doesn't apply here—Ambrose has been pretty consistent in his moods. Bipolar disorder is just something that's a part of many, many people's everyday lives, and it definitely does not cause a person to single-mindedly pursue their ex-best friend who betrayed them in a stunning fashion. WORDS MEAN THINGS.

Shakiest Friendship—Heath Slater and Titus O'Neil
I still don't know if I like Heath Slater and Titus O'Neil (I am NOT calling them Slater Gator) together. I loved 3MB and the Prime Time Players, and I like both men individually, but as a team, meh. Maybe if they had an origin story other than “Hey, these guys used to be in tag teams and now they're not and it's kind of not going so well so let's put 'em together!” it would make a difference. Both of these guys have fun personalities, but I'm just not having fun watching them and that makes me a sad panda. Also, all they do is bicker, so I don't think this friendship is going to be particularly long-lived.

Should Be Friends—Mark Henry, Big Show, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan
I was very excited for Mark Henry versus Luke Harper, and then for Henry and Big Show versus Harper and Erick Rowan. The only thing better than two very large men crushing each other is four very large men crushing each other. And the only thing better than THAT is the added aspect of FRIENDSHIP. Show and Henry are clearly having such a good time together right now, and I'm sure that Harper and Rowan want to join in the fun a little. I'm not suggesting that the Wyatt family should break up or anything, but maybe Henry and Show could be like the cool uncles who occasionally take Harper and Rowan out for ice cream and movies when Bray Wyatt gets to be too overbearing and makes them go to bed early without dessert.

Most Unintended Friendship—Paige, AJ Lee, and Eva Marie
Paige and AJ Lee have been stuck at Step 1 of their feud (Paige attacking Lee and then saying that she still likes her is just so nuanced that we definitely have to do it at least six weeks in a row for things to sink in) for a while now. Meanwhile, Eva Marie has been quietly building a winning streak thanks to the other women's manoeuvres against each other. Her “Yay, I won smile!” after Lee was counted out was kind of adorable; the other two women probably didn't even know how happy they were making her. Of course, then she was immediately attacked by Lee, so there's little chance that their unintentional friendship will ever blossom into something real.

Best Friend—Bo Dallas
Bo Dallas continued to be my best friend when he single-handedly saved an otherwise lacklustre segment that had him tap in seconds to Jack Swagger. I guess if you lose a couple matches to R-Truth, suddenly you're just another brick in the wall. However, Dallas then revealed that he wasn't ACTUALLY tapping—he was just trying to use his hand and arm to try and push himself up. Furthermore, he magnanimously forgave the ref for not realizing his mistake. Bless you, Bo Dallas. Never, never change. Side note to call out Cole for saying Swagger was defending the “red, white, and blue” against the “Colours of the Russian Federation.” You know, whatever colours those might happen to be.

Doesn't Deserve a Friend—Roman Reigns
I'm pretty sure Ambrose and Reigns are no longer friends and have possibly suffered a strange form of amnesia that made them forget all their time together, but I'm not so sure Reigns deserves to have a friend anyway. He was a guest on Miz TV and, with very little provocation, walloped his host. Not exactly the work of a man deserving of friendship. And I honestly thought that Reigns kept forgetting his lines and that was the reason Miz kept talking over him. I've been so disappointed in Reigns of late, and this cemented my disapproval. Above all things, Roman Reigns should be COOL. Punching a dude in the face and pandering to the audience? Not cool. Remember that early Shield segment wherein Cole tried to goad Reigns into saying something and he was just like, “I'll say something when I want to. Fuck off,” and then fell back into intense silence? And the reason for that was because Ambrose was by far the best talker and Reigns was still really inexperienced, but it made him look so aloof and cool? I would like to have that back.

On Smackdown he should have just sat there, said nothing, and let Miz verbally make a fool out of himself. Then Reigns would have looked chill and awesome and Miz would have looked like a jackass—everybody wins. However, in the scenario that actually went down, Reigns looked like a jerk and I just felt sorry for Miz, who was also picked on by Kane and whose escape was thwarted by Dolph Ziggler.

Side note to again call out Cole for stating that if Miz was really an A-Lister you'd see him more on TMZ. Ah, yes, TMZ: the pinnacle of Hollywood achievement. Shut the fuck up, Cole.
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Best Coast Bias: Florida's Championship Wrestling

August 18, 2014, 8:30 am
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Oh, you bet your smartphone this ruled
Photo Credit: WWE.com
After another hour from Full Sail, a bunch of questions are in the air when it comes to NXT. Most predominant of them is probably this: how was this not the Network Special?!

Well, that's actually probably answerable quite easily given the finish of the main event. But Christ possible, this show.  This.  Show. Every single thing mattered and every Championship whether obliquely in the case of the tag belts, slightly in the case of the Women's, and completely with the Big X taking center stage over the last 40 percent of the show was on display in matches based around the three crown jewels of Stamford's best original programming.

The surprising thing wasn't that Tyler Breeze and Adrian Neville had a good match for the belt, or that they put about 20 minutes on the board and looked like they could double down on that, but that Tyson Kidd came in and ruined it.  See, in NXT there are certain sureties: William Regal and Renee Young will flirt with each other if they're both manning the desk at the same time is one.  Big Cass being seven feet tall and you can't teach that, another.  But until Kidd stopped Neville from firing the Red Arrow one of the most important ones so subtle and understated yet so integral to the enjoyment of the show hadn't been brought to light in quite some time. Simply put, NXT matches end conclusively.  

There may be pre-match goings-on, as there were in the earlier Bayley-Sasha Banks #1 contendership rematch that'll shortly be gushed over.  There may be post-match goings-on, as evidenced in every single match sans one on the card and exemplified by Neville, Breeze and Kidd seeming to set the stage for a future triple threat title match with literally every aspect of that triangle fighting both the other sides until Sami Zayn showed up, cleared the ring of the black hats, and put a tantalizing idea of a four-way elimination show-long match in the minds of the thirsty.  But one thing NXT matches almost always have is a clear winner and a clear loser, which made the disqualification all the more jarring.

Moreover, it came at the tail end of a two-segger that's go-out-of-your-way-to-watch good from two guys who might be underrated when it comes to NXT Power Rankings but always manage to put on above-average to superlative efforts.  Even without the nice video package to open the show detailing how we got to this match anyone could tell this beef was marinated and slow cooking for some time between the pretty boy and the Champion--not even two minutes in, Breeze had cheated to try to get an advantage only for Neville to retaliate twice with cheapshot tactics in his own right.  Again, like the DQ that was to come, seeing Neville break his stranglehold on his Lawful Good alignment because he despised T Breezie that much was the cilantro in the spaghetti sauce, the little something extra that elevates matches, characters, and everything pro graps to great from the good.  Tyson showed up at the table going to the night's final commercial break in a choice Mike Tyson hoodie (multiple level subtlety that can only be feted with a proper slow clap) before doing a Marcel Marceau, and the second half of the match built off the foundation and put up a mansion on the property.

Breeze slowed down Neville with some front chanceries, and while he didn't fully succeed at wholly grounding the Man That Gravity Forgot his effort at it went longer and better than anyone else's has against the Champ this year.  When he alley-ooped Breeze out to get free it set off escalating violence like Michael Bay sets off explosions.  Did you come for avalanche European uppercuts and standing Shooting Star Presses?  Good.  How do you feel about dropkicks countering springboards and superkicks that actually live up to the prefix?  Maybe you're into sunset flip powerbombs or flying tornado DDTs so perfectly executed it seemed not only was it going to be the reason the title changed hands but almost a video game come to life as Neville literally went vertical and into a Flair Flop to underscore the damage done.  If it was 1995 and you were a kid in an arcade and something like that had happened you would immediately yell out FATALITY!  The crowd chanted This Is Awesome and we hadn't even gotten to the sweet bridged German suplex, the tope suicida, or Neville's second superkick of the evening being even better than the first and hitting Kidd like the fist of an angry god.

Hilariously enough, before the match began you'd be forgiven for thinking "good luck to the boys following that, they're gonna need it". That's because, quelle surprise, Bayley and Sasha Banks' latest kerfuffle in their continuing low-key rivalry over the Championship of each other had a Championship match feel to it.  As Neville would do later, Bayley showed herself continuing to evolve her persona to match the gravitas of the occasion by returning fire on Banks' pre-match smack talk.  Watching Bayley not back down and giving back what she got was jarring but in the best possible way; last year's Bayley wouldn't and would've probably gone on a ride on the whirlybird when she had Banks down.  Here, in consecutive minutes she not only held up her end of the bargain on a pinfall reversal sequence that went on for quite some time (thus confirming everybody's Oh, Eva Marie, Baby, Honey, Just....No thoughts from last week's match) but followed it up by a double leg takedown and punching after Banks had done the same to her.   Having suffered the mal effects of Fancy New Bayley it should be the surprise of no one that when things came back from break Banks looked to snap Bayley and get the shot at Charlotte.

There was a highly impressive double knee to the gut in the corner when Banks had Bayley laid out over the middle rope that needs to be a staple of the Banks offensive, and her kicks looked positively vicious while they were getting backed up by her taunts.  Most impressively, she toyed with the crowd and looked to love doing it--there was a part where it looked like Bay was going to escape a straightjacket hold, so Sasha slammed her face into the mat a few times and put it back on with a "you really thought your girl was going to escape, huh?" smirk all over her face.  She would, and then they accelerated and elevated towards the end. Yes, Virginia, your eyes didn't deceive you--that was a Japan-style "eff the move you just hit me with and eat this effing lariat" spot put on in a women's match by a subsidiary of WWE.  

And BAYLEY was doing it!  Again, it seemed like Sasha had things won over Bayley; not only did she counter the Belly-to-Bayley by slapping it away but she hit a huge knee that sent Bay to the outside.  Maybe she should've taken the countout W, since it would've served her purpose just as well.  Bayley snuck in a small package and then slapped (again, !) Banks.  You would've been fine in thinking it was going to be Hugplex O'Clock, but you'd be wrong: Sasha countered into the Boss Combo (the unofficial BCB name) of her Backstabber and Crossface only for Bayley to roll her up while still in the hold for the win and the title shot against Charlotte.  She looked vicious and the epitome of a Mean Girl only felled by awesome counterwrestling, a bit of ego in wanting to win in-ring rather than take the countout, and her finisher didn't lose anything by it being used against her in victory.  Bayley was fighting spirit and heart personified, she figured out a way to not only counter something that'd felled her the last time she found herself across-ring from the Boss but found a way to do so that led directly into a W, and her temporary and new-found willingness to, if not exactly fight the black hats on their level but more than willing to not be pristine and not take a backwards step in fangirlish adoration anymore is a crucial, necessary element in her going forward as well.  As for what Charlotte did after?  Well, it was hard to say.  She came out and raised and shook Bayley's hand...but then nothing untoward happened.  Bayley pointed to the belt and she just smiled back at Bayley...then it was off to commercial with nothing untoward having happened.  Your guess as to what's next, though NXT will earn 2015 show of the year if Bay cuts a promo stating Charlotte is dead, dead, dead if she tries to trick her into friendship.

The other matches on the show only suffered from being on the same program as those appointment TV spats, and they both finished off the first round of the tag title contendership tournament with some perfectly cromulent wrestling.  To the shock of absolutely no one Eddie Princeton Bull Dempsey turned on Mojo Rawley after he blind-tagged himself in and subsequently lost in two moves to the Vaudevillains and ¡Mucha Lucha! won easily over Wesley Blake and Buddy Murphy.  As predicted, that Bull didn't go crazy, that Bull went Bull.  He seemed to be no-selling the Thank You, Bull chants but then he went back into the ring and Bulldozed Mojo.  Do you want to make the "his butt didn't just GET kicked" joke or should it be done here?  You know what, you can have it.  Let us also note that while staying pitch perfect to their character work during the match, for the second week in a row a partner from the apron saved his other half from getting jacked in the ring as Aiden got Simon out of the corner on Rawley's subsequent charge from his blind tag before they put him down with the Finlay roll/second rope senton bomb combo.  Any time an established team uses continuity and teamwork to beat a pair of wacky mismatched opponents a thinking fan's heart grows three sizes. Since NXT was on their magical Land of Choclate steez here this week it sort of happened twice, along with Kalisto and Sin Cara's win launching them into a set-the-DVR-NOW semifinal against the Best Rosebuds. Seriously, Wesley Blake and Buddy Murphy (at least right now)?  No wonder the Legionnaires were so upset in the back and talking smack about Team Jersey, but at least the egregiousness of them somehow being excluded from the Fresh Meat Invitational is being folded into the canon.  If one had to guess they probably want aucun of the single-arm bomb and missile dropkick combo that helped to doom the New Age Cowboys.

Actually, there was a superobvious question that'd probably be #1 with a bullet after another fastest hour of sports entertainment: NXT, why are you so awesome?
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The Best Squash Match in WWE History: SummerSlam '14 Review

August 18, 2014, 10:30 am
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Our new overlord with his hype man
Photo Credit: WWE.com
TH Style, y'all. Heard you can spend a set price to see this event whenever you want it too if you get some network...

Highlights:
  • On the pre-show, Rob van Dam defeated Antonio Cesaro with a Five Star Frogsplash.
  • Dolph Ziggler defeated The Miz with the Zig Zag to win the Intercontinental Championship.
  • Paige regained the Divas Championship by breaking out of the Black Widow and hitting AJ Lee with the RamPaige for the win.
  • Alexander Rusev made Jack Swagger pass out in the Accolade to win an un-Flag Match-like Flag Match.
  • Thanks to mass chaos enacted by Kane, Seth Rollins was able to nail Dean Ambrose with his briefcase to steal a victory.
  • Bray Wyatt used two Sister Abigail's Kisses, one into the barricade, to defeat Chris Jericho.
  • Nikki Bella turned on her sister Brie, which allowed Stephanie McMahon to hit her with the Pedigree for the win.
  • Roman Reigns upended Randy Orton after a spear.
  • After 16 German suplexes, two F5s, and a surprisingly feeble resistance from John Cena, Brock Lesnar easily won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

General Observations:
  • WWE actually had someone in its graphics department design that on-screen border for Booker T's "shucky ducky quack quack" segment. But no, by all means, release more people. Payroll is clearly the biggest waste of money.
  • The Network, my cable, or my router was spitting up a lot during the pre-show, so I missed a substantial portion of the Antonio Cesaro/Rob van Dam match. I did see the ending. Yeah, while the visual of Cesaro giving RVD the Euro-cut as a counter to the Five Star Frogsplash was pretty cool (as any Euro-cut counter Cesaro does to a flying body), RVD actually started in the frogsplash motion after seeing Cesaro had stood up. His effort there was so frustratingly lazy.
  • Hulk Hogan kicked off the proper show with... a WWE Network shill? Someone needs to tap Vince McMahon on the shoulder and tell him to hire some folks who actually know how to market shit, because his advertising plan right now is all kinds of awful.
  • Miz's jacket was a thing of beauty. I love that he's going all-in with this character. When he's invested in something, the dude seems to put in the work.
  • I wasn't so much shocked to see a German announce table - Westside Xtreme Wrestling in Deutschland is growing into one of the premiere wrestling promotions in the world - but four guys? Yikes.
  • The Miz is absolutely on fire with his character work, and it's slowly informing his in-ring game to the point where he's becoming what he should be. He and Dolph Ziggler didn't just get to the point where the crowd went bonkers for a simple slap in the face by mistake. They built to that spot.
  • The "AJ is crazy, lol" narrative got tiresome a long time ago, but she deserves a lot of credit for embracing it and developing it to the benefit of her in-ring character. Biting Paige's hand during the prematch handshake and then ripping out part of her weave just to drape it across her chest set such a frenetic tone for the match. I have to wonder if Lee gets enough credit for how much better the women's division has become in the last few years.
  • Paige bumped on the back of her neck for the Shining Wizard, which is the best anyone made that move look since Lee started using it. I agree with the chatter that Paige may have a longer way to go than thought of by the consensus, but she still has more good performances than bad.
  • Did Lana really refer to Vladimir Putin as a "reality television star," and if so, what fucking show is he on?
  • Jack Swagger having a color guard play him out almost induced the vomit from the "Blood, Urine, and Vomit" promise that Brock Lesnar made several matches early.
  • Alexander Rusev's current shtick may wear thin in a finite amount of time, but his skillset will demand that he has a roster spot indefinitely. The dude went hard last night, both on offense and with selling his ankle. He could very well be an elite worker within a calendar year.
  • Of course Rusev assaulted Zeb Colter after the match, because this feud just has to continue through Night of Champions, doesn't it?
  • Bill Simmons was spotted in the crowd with a look of disdain on his face at Seth Rollins' entrance into the arena. Pretty sure he was annoyed that Rollins was getting this big push and not native New Englander Johnny Curtis. NEW ENGLAND PRODUCES THE BEST WRESTLAHS, NO ONE DENIES THIS.
  • Dean Ambrose suplexed Rollins out of the ring off the apron into a throng of lumberjacks on the outside. I thought that would be the craziest spot in the match, but then Ambrose back body-dropped Rollins over the barricade ONTO A SET-UP CHAIR. Rollins will have to end up retiring early like Edge at this rate.
  • Kane coming out to make sure the lumberjacks were doing their jobs might have been the best use for him. Let him be the bureaucratic keeper of order, making sure stipulations get followed, dammit.
  • I want to see Ambrose do a stage dive at a concert and knock everyone over like he did when he went top rope to the floor on the elbow towards the end of the match.
  • Ambrose did the Curb Stomp. Couple that with the inordinate amount of finisher-kickouts, and I wonder how much input Paul Heyman had on this show creatively.
  • Goldust being the first lumberjack to confront Kane seemed unintentional, but it was awesome. He and Stardust have been notoriously absent from the ring lately, which is a gross misuse of talent if you ask me.
  • Bray Wyatt finally promoted the leather butcher's smock to the main roster. Of course, Chris Jericho countered with a new jacket and by bringing back the countdown. Judging by the prematch entrance motifs, neither guy was playing around with this match.
  • Wyatt trip-bumped on the apron early on in the match, and later on, he drilled Jericho with an apron DDT. When in Southern California, you gotta break out the big apron bumps, per local custom set by Pro Wrestling Guerrilla.
  • Despite the early fireworks, I grew bored of the Jericho/Wyatt match. They had a ten minute match planned, but were given 15, so they had to Ｓ Ｔ Ｒ Ｅ Ｔ Ｃ Ｈ the match out just to fill time. Why couldn't the spillover in this match have been given to Paige and Lee?
  • Starting the Stephanie McMahon/Brie Bella match with a lock-up, a visually awkward one at that, was not the right call. Shouldn't Bella have wanted to rip McMahon's hair out and feed it to her, Million Dollar Man-style?
  • McMahon mockingly did the YES! chant during the match, which was a great heel move except the audience did it right along with her. I'm not sure whether they mimed it in solidarity with Daniel Bryan or if they really were rooting for the evil boss, but either way, it just felt wrong.
  • Bella seemingly was about to get a comeback, and she sized up McMahon for a plancha on the outside. However, McMahon, almost perfectly in sync with the moment where Bella was between the ropes, slam dunked her onto the second cable like she was a basketball. I may still be agog over seeing it done (four times, since my Network feed reset twice and then on the third try when it finally stopped showed the replay), but that sequence might have been my favorite WWE spot all year.
  • Triple H ate a baseball slide from Bella at one point, and he recoiled as if he'd been shot. The sequence brought a smile to my face, but someone on Twitter pointed out that he gave her more than he ever gave CM Punk physically. I almost laughed, then I remembered that the payoff to the Summer of Punk 2: PUNK HARDER was a ladder match between Trips and Kevin Nash and started sobbing profusely.
  • Nikki Bella heel turn! Nikki Bella heel turn! The divergence in personalities and gear has finally paid off!
  • The first remarkable thing to happen in the Roman Reigns/Randy Orton match didn't even involve them. As they brawled on the outside, former WCW World Heavyweight Champion DAVID ARQUETTE was spotted in the front row.
  • Reigns didn't wrestle the best match the whole way through, but he finally showed enough competence towards the end to give hope that he won't take FOREVER to grow into the main event role he's about to be given. A lot of that credit needs to go to Orton, who has finally blossomed into the guy WWE needed him to be. Funny comparison, but maybe Reigns is closer to Orton than he is to Cena?
  • That Superman punch countered into a RKO was pretty tight, no matter how anyone looked at it.
  • The main event had two really good stories being told, one of which I'm not sure most people picked up on. The first one was easy to spot. The narrative tries to dictate all the time that John Cena has all these massive odds to overcome, and yet he never lives up to it because he's always the favorite in reality. This match actually was laid out to paint him as an underdog, and he played that role so well. The second story tied back into Extreme Rules '12. That match was far more even than this one would end up being. Why did Cena end up offering such feeble resistance? It had to do with the build. Paul Heyman, and through his pre-taped promos, Lesnar, both changed the narrative to make Lesnar seem more indomitable than last time. In other words, Cena, the character, got shook bad. Like really bad, so much so that he blindly and stupidly went in to attack Lesnar from jump instead of letting the fight come to him like he would against guys like Orton or Wyatt. Someone in the writers' room paid attention.
  • Lesnar opening with the F5 and then settling into his BARRAGE of German suplexes before getting into the "basic moves" felt a lot like the final fight in Punch-Out!!. Depending on which version of the game you had, Mr. Dream/Mike Tyson would start out throwing bomb uppercuts that would knock you the fuck down unless you dodged them, and then he'd settle into the jabs and taunting. Lesnar followed that formula to a tee and thus became fully actualized.
  • Keeping on the Punch-Out!! thread, Lesnar even talked massive amounts of shit while Cena was down on the canvas and danced around with a goofy grin on his face. Put boxing gloves on him, and he'd fit swimmingly in the next sequel to the game.
  • Lesnar tossed 16 German suplexes, four for each German commentator!
  • Even towards the end, when Cena hooked in the STF due to Lesnar's hubris, Lesnar shrugged it off and segued it right into the finish of the match. Cena got in barely any meaningful offense. It was a squash match, and one that the crowd was absolutely ready to see. Surreal in 2014.

Match of the Night:Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose, Lumberjack Match - Lumberjack matches in WWE rarely, if ever, turn out to be entertaining affairs. Basically, dudes just get thrown to the outside for show, let the other wrestlers who are getting a cheap payday do most of the work, and end up with some kind of rat-faced heel begging off a wide-eyed babyface en route to a decisive finish. Even though Ambrose and Rollins had done nothing but work magic in their WWE tenures to date, the consensus seemed to think that they couldn't perform a miracle and make a lumberjack match. Unsurprisingly, they proved everyone wrong once again.

The biggest reason why the match worked was embedded in their DNA. Both as members of The Shield and post-breakup, Rollins and especially Ambrose have become awash in the spirit of anarchy. Rollins attempting escape and then using Ambrose's wild flailing fury to distract the rest of the lumberjacks so he could get away held such rich psychology. The total, systemic failure of the lumberjacks was a staggering sight, to the point where Corporate Kane's appearance in the match made total sense. In fact, the guys surrounding the ring played such a vital role in how well this match played out. Stardust, Goldust, and the Usos blocking off Rollins at the pass was just as big a moment as Ambrose reinventing crowd surfing with that elbow from the top or leaping over the barricade doing his patented table run.

But both former Shield-mates deserve most of the credit for creating what was by far the best lumberjack match I've ever seen and perhaps the best match of this stipulation of all-time. Whether Ambrose jumped into the throbbing throng holding Rollins in place or Rollins bumping over the barricade onto a set-up chair, the two brought out all the crazy that was expected of them without ever wasting a movement.

Overall Thoughts: WWE perfecting the art of the "special event"/pay-per-view in the later days of the medium has to be either the funniest development or at least an encouraging sign that even when the narrative gets wonky from a week to week basis that something is waiting at the end of the bumpy road. SummerSlam was at least the third masterclass in 2014, and the fifth nearly perfect event since Money in the Bank 2011. From Dolph Ziggler and The Miz setting the tone early all the way through the surprising yet satisfying end to the show, the event held serve the entire night, even through some of the slower spots.

Additionally, even the lower point matches, Stephanie McMahon vs. Brie Bella and Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton, had eye-popping spots. McMahon's slam dunk counter of the Bella plancha was perhaps the roughest, stiffest spot all year long, and it came from a part-timer and the acknowledged consensus least-talented performer on the card having timing and chemistry enough to pull it off in a visually stunning manner.

The beauty in the card, however, was in the way that discarded match types and layouts were used to elevate the whole. Lumberjack matches are the chickens-in-a-can of wrestling stipulations, and Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins (with the help of about 21 of their closest friends) turned it into coq au vin. Having a squash match serve as the template for a main event of one of the big three events in the year 2014 invites disaster, but Brock Lesnar giving John Cena the thrashing of his life was like finding a ham hock in the pantry to go with the black beans you were planning on cooking. If SummerSlam was a Chopped basket, then WWE and its combined roster turned in such a dish that would impress even Geoffrey Zakarian.

Of course, the prospect of an afterglow being dulled by week after week of the same WWE television that was presented between Money in the Bank and now is daunting. WWE right now has a disconnect between its pay-per-view product and the week-to-week television, whereas in 2013, the opposite was true. This company has no excuse to be so inconsistent with its resources, but then again, NXT consistently delivers on a macroscopic level. Maybe the problem is direction at the top.

But for now, I will revel in the glory of yet another special event emphasizing the first word in the phrase. This year's SummerSlam will go down in history as one of the most satisfying events in history, and even if weekly TV doesn't do it for me, events like these continue to justify the existence of The WWE Network, at least personally.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat with Foley, Henry, Hogan

August 18, 2014, 12:30 pm
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Unsurprisingly, Henry gives the realest talk of the week
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Show: Cheap Heat
Episode: SummerSlam preview
Run Time: 1:35:43
Guest: Noelle Foley, Mark Henry, Hulk Hogan

Summary: Instead of the usual studio in New York, the guys are in LA for SummerSlam. The show opens with a quick look at the Alberto Del Rio situation before the guys welcome Mick Foley’s daughter, Noelle, to preview the Sunday card. Then there’s a great interview with Mark Henry, followed by a sit-down with Hulk Hogan. Like many Grantland shows, this one is available on YouTube if you’d rather watch than catch just the audio.

Quote of the week:“I subscribe to that theory, give your kid a credit card with a two- or three-thousand dollar limit, give ’em about five, six hundred dollars cash and a backpack full of stuff and say, ‘Get out my house. You need to go figure out what you like.’ ” —Henry

Why you should listen: Mark Henry comes on at 36:30 and immediately sticks up for performers who do their best in challenging situations, even lumberjack matches. Henry is a veteran like few others still going, and this is my first time hearing him be this candid and engaging. Also listen if you can’t live without hearing Hogan, who starts at 1:07:40, talk about his final interactions with the Ultimate Warrior, which comes at the very end of the podcast.

Why you should skip it: Because you don’t especially care what Foley or Rosenberg feel about SummerSlam and you’ve already read David Shoemaker’s take on Grantland, which far exceeds anything anyone says in the first half hour. (Ed. Note - Or because it's after SummerSlam) Because you don’t need any more analysis on if John Cena should turn heel. Because you’re dead inside and don’t want to hear Mark Henry talk about Owen Hart. Because you will get upset when Hogan chooses Randy Savage over Bobby Heenan as the best bad guy of the Hulkamania era. Or, because you don’t believe anything Hulk Hogan says in an interview (and really, why should you?)

Final thoughts: Cheap Heat sometimes feels like the guys are recording out of a sense of obligation more than for having something compelling to say, and that’s certainly the case with the first half hour. For as great as Shoemaker is when writing, he doesn’t consistently deliver compelling audio. But Henry is a fantastic subject and Hogan did appear to let his guard down a bit. This show lacked the energy of the WrestleMania week episode, but it’s definitely one of the better podcasts I heard this week.
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From the Archives: Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle, SummerSlam 2002

August 18, 2014, 2:30 pm
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SummerSlam took place last night (duh), but it wasn't the only high profile event to happen around the world of wrestling. AAA's Triplemania 21 took to the Internet airwaves to broadcast head to head with WWE's signature summer event. While Rey Mysterio is still technically a WWE-contracted employee, he made an appearance via video at the event last night. WWE is holding the legendary performer hostage by extending his contract against his will due to time missed for injury. Anyway, since their relationship seems to be coming to a tumultuous end, I will bring you back to a time when it was just beginning and was less rocky. Mysterio's debut match in a WWE ring took place at SummerSlam 12 years ago against Kurt Angle. Watch it. Love it.

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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, August 18

August 18, 2014, 4:30 pm
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MO'NE DA GAWD
Photo Credit: Kate Briquelet/AP
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Mo'Ne Davis (Last Week: 1) - The Taney Dragons are the best baseball team from Philadelphia right now, and Davis is the biggest reason why. She became the first girl to pitch a shutout in the Little League World Series, shutting down haters and making the sexists feel really salty right now. Can anyone stop her flaming fastball fury? Not unless they're older than the age limit in the LLWS.

2. Courtney Rush (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Rush took a HUGE step towards the universal women's main event by capturing one of the big four Women's Championships in North America Saturday. She upended Cheerleader Melissa, LuFisto, and reigning Champion Mercedes Martinez at nCw: Femmes Fatale XV to win its International Championship. Rush has a few "outspoken!" critics who might bristle at this feat, but they're haters. Rush is one of the most dynamic wrestlers on the scene, and I'm glad she's getting this shot to shine.

3. Paige (Last Week: 4) - She not only kicked out of the Shining Wizard AND reversed a Black Widow, but she also got the announcers to make a Sweet Saraya reference, and not the NXT announcers either. The raven-haired British firebrand is a miracle worker.

4. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: 7) - Ambrose may have lost the battle on Sunday, but the war may be put on hold so he can go shoot a movie for WWE Studios, which in my book counts as a net win. That movie, you ask? Thunder Gun Express.

5. Heidi Lovelace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Lovelace made history by becoming the first ever woman to hold the AAW Heritage Championship, further breaking down barriers and helping to integrate along gender lines in independent professional wrestling in America. I guess that's why her Olde Wrestling persona is so a propos, no?

6. Mark Henry (Last Week: 5) - The Surgeon General has advised against consuming too much of Henry/Big Show tag team as it contains 50 times the daily recommended dosage of HOSS. However, the Surgeon General in this case is full of shit. All those suspected HOSS OVERDOSE deaths in central Texas were due to a batch of soup tainted with botulism at the local Buc-ees chains in the area. YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE HOSS YOU WANT, PEOPLE.

7. AJ Lee (Last Week: 6) - Her beautiful second reign as Divas Championship came to an end last night, but at least I'll always have her biting Paige's hand as a lasting visual.

8. Honey and Brown Sugar Breakfast Sausage (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I usually don't dig normal breakfast sausage, but these links are on point. Turns out all the traditional breakfast sausage needed was a little bit of sweetness.

9. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 2) - Congratulations, WWE Creative, you found the one person less likely to cheat on his wife to put in an infidelity angle than TNA did for its own, earlier version (AJ Styles).

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: The Nobel Prize commission is already on record as saying that every award it gives out is del Rey's if she can somehow turn Eva Marie into a competent wrestler.
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Instant Feedback: A Chat About Paul

August 18, 2014, 9:05 pm
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Heyman was great here, but is that enough?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Brock Lesnar came to RAW to claim his newly won prize. The spoils of war not only granted him dominion over WWE, but a new physical manifestation of his title as Champion of all WWE. Two belts coalesced into one, and he was the first to hold the final product. As an epilogue, his advocate and manager, Paul Heyman, serenaded him with a soliloquy that recounted the slaughter job he committed against John Cena the night before and served as a warning to everyone else who would come knocking at his door while he held the title.

Heyman's speech was fiery. It was electric. He spoke with the rhetoric of a thousand orators, spat truths and embellishments that when laid at the feet of Lesnar seemed like they could be true. He held court in perhaps his most epic performance to date. Even his biggest critics were probably held rapt, and they should have been. Well, let me back that up. I have been one of Heyman's biggest critics of late, and yes, I was held rapt. He not only did his job tonight, he excelled at it.

But when your job is promoting Brock Lesnar, you don't really have to put that much effort in to do the job even at an above average rate, do you?

Lesnar is the most physically gifted professional wrestler of all-time. Even if his tools were never put to the most efficient use or maximized to their fullest potential the way that the true lasting greats like Steve Austin, Ric Flair, or even Cena himself, his mere presence gives signal that a foul-intentioned ogre was about to come to the ring, and bad consequences would befall whoever stood across the ring from him. He was always able to back his imposition up with preternatural athleticism in the ring. Cutting promos for Lesnar is like getting to hit from a batting tee, whereas promoting nearly any other wrestler is like facing off against 1998 Randy Johnson.

And that point in time is where Heyman starts to annoy me. His mantel, both within WWE and among many commentators, is that he's the best talker ever. I don't remember watching him in WCW outside a few spots on The Network here or there, and he was good then. I remember his oratory as the figurehead of ECW, and I was always impressed with his words in defense of his revolutionary brand of pro wrestling. But if you're the best talker ever, shouldn't you be able to get more out of Antonio Cesaro than Zeb Colter did? Shouldn't you be able to get people to care about Curtis Axel and Ryback?

Of course, the excuses are built in, and to a degree, I can agree that Heyman may have been hamstrung along the way. I have to wonder whether his strategy promoing for Cesaro was something he wanted to do or whether he was handed the edict down from WWE Creative. If Heyman had cut a promo that was half as intense for Cesaro as he did for Lesnar tonight - hell, if he had cut one for Cesaro as passionate as the ones he cut for Lesnar when he was SUPPOSED to be advocating for Cesaro, maybe the Swiss Superman would have been in better shape going forward. One could argue that neither half of Rybaxel could be saved by any measure of a manager, but Heyman never gave them the kind of due that he even gave CM Punk, another guy for whom Heyman did not have to put much effort into promoting because Punk at his best was his equal.

Of course, I doubt anyone will ever be able to get to the bottom of why Heyman was so ineffectual for his prior charges. Wrestling is one, never-ending game of liar's poker, where everyone has their own story and no one's is completely truthful. But to see Heyman spit veritable fire for one client, the one client he may not even need to promote as hard as he does, and leave others, especially Cesaro, to wither, just stings me. Heyman already was mostly responsible for killing my then-favorite promotion of all-time through negligence if I'm being kind. Why should I be okay with him killing the vibe of one of my favorite wrestlers?

The thing about Lesnar that will dog him his entire career is the amount of effort he put in at times. He could have been the best wrestler ever, but he got bored. He didn't want to feel the grind of a full WWE schedule. He had other ambitions in other fields. If it's fair to critique Lesnar's drive and use it against him in his career resume, then why isn't it fair to hold Heyman's indiscretions against him? Can he be the best mic man ever if his output for a good chunk of his charges was subpar at best? I don't want to rain too hard on his parade, because he was phenomenal tonight. But anyone can be phenomenal for Brock Fucking Lesnar. Why couldn't he be a fraction as passionate, as eloquent, as effective for Cesaro?
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The Bonnie and Clyde of Corporate Fatcats

August 19, 2014, 4:30 am
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Photo Credit: WWE.com
By himself, I still dislike Triple H's character more than I like it on most days. However, when he's with his darling wife, co-conspirator, and future owner of WWE Stephanie McMahon, he is awash in a cloak of narrative excellence. They are almost WWE's answer to Bonnie and Clyde, or at least Mickey and Mallory Knox, if they were corporate villains rather than freewheeling white trash antiheroes. Last night, they only got a little screen time together, but man, they made the most of it.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art of Wrestling Ep. 211

August 19, 2014, 6:30 am
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Cabana did a live show this week
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Art of Wrestling
Episode: 211
Run Time: 1:03:10
Guests: Jeremy Borash, Mike Lawrence, Grado, Billy Kirkwood

Summary: Colt Cabana is still live at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He spends the first big chunk of the show with Jeremy Borash, focusing on his time in TNA and WCW as well as the British Boot Camp reality show and its winner, Rockstar Spud. At 30:35 the guest is comedian Mike Lawrence, and the final 13:30 are, like last week, an interactive, wrestling-themed improvisational comedy bit.

Quote of the week:“The Internet has destroyed sincerity, and wrestling is the most sincere, honest thing that there is. … Wrestling has this beautiful purity to it. It’s just a bunch of people yelling and having fun. Whenever I go to see wrestling, I want to sit next to a kid. I know that sounds weird because I look like every pedophile, because they enjoy it on this level that we don’t. You know the whole thing of smarks and snarkily viewing things and trying to be inside? When you see a kid just like it for what it is, that’s how we all got into it. We kind of forget that.” — Mike Lawrence

Why you should listen: You want to go behind the scenes at TNA’s first event. You like old Tank Abbott stories. You’re down for tasteless humor about famous wrestlers, living and dead. You can picture yourself in the crowd of the event and don’t care about not being able to experience sight gags. You want ammunition for the next time Cabana appears thin-skinned about a joke made at his own expense.

Why you should skip it: You don’t care about Borash or TNA. You don’t want to hear Grado make “My [male organ] is like [famous wrestler]” jokes — or if you don’t like blue (to put it mildly) humor of any sort. You realize improv comedy is best left to trained professionals. You’re driven mad by feeling like an outsider since everyone is having a ball at the live show while you can only hear the proceedings.

Final thoughts: Give Cabana credit, he’s clearly gotten much better at putting on a live show that still appeals to his podcast audience, both in format and technical execution. Some of his earlier live shows, especially in foreign countries, made for dreadful a audio-only experience. If you’re down for the raunchiness, there are good laughs to be had. The best part clearly is Lawrence, who is fairly thoughtful about wrestling as an art form and the nature of being a lifelong fan, offering insight rarely found on a show so that almost exclusively delivers an insider’s perspective. It’s still outside the realm of a conventional Art of Wrestling, but a better experience for sure than last week’s live show.
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