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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat, Aug. 21

August 25, 2014, 4:30 am
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A big part of the podcast's quote of the week
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Cheap Heat
Episode: Aug. 21, 2014
Run Time: 1:00:10
Guest: None

Summary: The boys talk about SummerSlam, which they attended live, and the subsequent RAW, which they watched on TV. At the very end they announce plans to start a listener involvement portion of the show next week.

Quote of the week: David Shoemaker: “Paige defeated AJ, in what was a very, very good match.”

Peter Rosenberg :“I was out at that point. I missed that match.”

DS: “AJ had the match of her career and Heel Rosenberg was getting popcorn.”

PR: [Laughs like a total jackass.] “Listen — I’ll catch it on the Network. But yeah, I don’t like missing Divas matches. I like being someone who’s there to support the Divas matches. But I missed that one. Big pop for AJ in that stadium by the way. Not surprising, they were very into her.”

Why you should listen: You loved SummerSlam and want to keep reliving the experience. You need a bit of extra insight from someone who saw the show in person. You want someone to agree with you about JBL’s commentary during Jack Swagger’s match on Raw. You need to hear about Dusty Rhodes and Ric Flair attending a Bulls game together in outlandish street clothes. You want to ponder the immediate future of the Rusev/Mark Henry story and consider how it might involve Big Show and the Wyatt Family.

Why you should skip it: If you tend to be turned off by Rosenberg, avoid this episode like the plague. Absent a guest, his worst traits are magnified to the hilt. Perhaps he’s playing up a character, but even Shoemaker appears to get frustrated at points. If you already read Shoemaker’s excellent SummerSlam follow piece on Grantland, you’ll join me in wondering if Rosenberg bothered to do the same. You’ll also question how he could seem to have forgotten so much of the biggest show of the summer he experienced less than a week ago.

Final thoughts: I tend to be a Cheap Heat defender, but for those who question its relevance, this episode gives all the ammunition needed. Shoemaker already wrote brilliantly about the impact of SummerSlam and what it might spell for the future of the company, but his writing is almost taken down a notch by his inclusion on this show. For the most part, you probably could find a better “review” of SummerSlam and Raw just poking around YouTube.
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Dispatches from the Lake: ¡VIVA LA VACA!

August 25, 2014, 7:30 am
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Cow-swoggle?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
I missed Main Event this week, so I was not prepared for Hornswoggle in a cow costume. I have questions, but knowing WWE, I will never get answers. Superstars was looking slick this week. I hadn’t mentioned it, but I hated the opening for the show. While I was waiting for it to start, I was preparing this long diatribe on how the opening is the dumbest thing ever. The music kicks in, and what do I get? An opening that looks like it belongs to a proper show. Superstars was full of little tweaks like that this week. It’s like WWE is treating it like the show matters. (It still totally doesn’t) It’s like they’re listening!

First match of the evening was El Torito and La Vaca with Los Matadores vs. Slater Gator. Again, I was not prepared for Hornswoggle running through the capes. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t have a smile on my face when they all came down to the ring. The match lasted all of three minutes, with the livestock getting the win. Torito is super fun to watch wrestle. I really liked the sequence with Titus O’Neil. Torito clung to O’Neil’s wrist as the gigantic man tried to fling him across the ring, then forced him to tag in Slater after pummeling him with strikes to the face. As throwaway and ridiculous as this match could have been, Renee Young and Todd Philips sold it well on commentary. Slater and Hornswoggle have some history on Superstars, so them mentioning it was a happy surprise. Any continuity makes me super happy.

We revisited Slater Gator in the locker room later in the show, and while I’m still enjoying the dynamic between Slater and O’Neil, I’ve got that little voice in the back of my head asking where this is going. It’s entertaining, so who cares, but I’d like to see these two fight each other, have Slater win, then have O’Neil want to be a tag team with Slater rebuffing him in that special Slater way he has.

Second match of the night was Emma against Alicia Fox. This match never really pulled me in. I got distracted by a string of Simpsons quotes on Twitter and became momentarily obsessed with finding a very specific picture of Lisa for my profile photo because I’m a dork. It was kind of plodding and just meah. Fox’s freak out mid match seemed like she was doing for the sake of doing it. I haven’t seen her do it in a while, but it rang false to me. She got some solid offense in after it though. She hit Emma with a vicious kick to the chest after she got back into the ring. I thought that was it, but they kept going. Long ladies matches! Hurrah! Emma’s power up dancing was a highlight, and she ended up winning the match, to my shock and surprise, with a cross body.

The Sound and The Recaps

The RAW Recaps were very handy this week. I missed the show Monday due to air travel, I appreciated the abbreviated summary. They started out with Stephanie McMahon and the Bella Twins. For the record, I LOVED McMahon’s ring gear from SummerSlam. It was just perfect in every way. The only bad thing about this segment was Brie Bella’s fake crying. Everything else was solid. Nikki Bella threw that elbow with authority (see what I did there) and her promo, while a bit overblown, was solid. I think your blind grandmother could have seen the swerve coming, but I’m into these two feuding. And though I think the cheating angle is crazy stupid, but it keeps Daniel Bryan’s name in the mix while he’s out, so I can’t get too mad about it. Get well soon, D-Bry. We miss the shit out of you.

Next up, we saw the Authority presenting Brock Lesnar with the new title design. I think I might be in the minority, but I really liked the idea of a guy holding two titles. The visual was rad. I wasn’t about how John Cena wore them, but that’s my struggle. I know not everyone is about Paul Heyman’s promos these days, but this one was doing things for me. Sure, they can be a bit repetitive, but Heman saying ‘suplex repeat’ however many times was glorious.

Great as all this was, I still had that Twinge of Concern. What’s the Twinge? You know the Twinge. You’re feeling it too. Until the day after Night of Champions, I’ll still have it. Cena’s going to win at Night of Champions, says the Twinge, and the SummerSlam match will ultimately mean nothing. I hope WWE isn’t that stupid, but I still don’t have confidence in their booking. So, I’ll be living with the Twinge for the next month. Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster, I hope it’s wrong.

And then we come to Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose. Like most with working eyes, I’ve been loving this feud. Their match at SummerSlam was great. The whole end sequence with Ambrose looking crazy conflicted and telling Rollins just before the curb stomp that he loved him was beautiful. Rollins getting the win through nefarious means rocked. The match the next night was solid too, but I was not about how it ended. While I like the idea of using the cinder blocks for the curb stomp in theory, in practice it was kind of dumb. I needed a proper noise. Maybe if Rollins used a chair to hit Ambrose instead of the curb stomp? Either way, I’m looking forward to Ambrose charging back into the arena after he’s done filming his movie. I’m also irrationally excited to see his movie.

Random Thoughts

  • $9.99 signs? Really? REALLY?
  • Seriously, Brie Bella needs to work on her fake crying game. That was…not good.
  • Brock Lesnar can defeat any man? ENTER ÉOWYN.
  • Alicia Fox needed to get some pressure on that pin after the Northern Lights Suplex she hit Emma with. When Emma kicked out, Fox didn’t move at all. She was just bridging over Emma. It looked really dumb.
  • Rollins’ ice bucket challenge brought me great joy.
  • I loved the slicker presentation. They even showed the outside of the arena they were in, which is usually a Raw move. Keep doing this, and maybe throw an extra match in there, and Superstars will be an asset to the Network, instead of just being there.
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Leak Confirmed, Brits Headed to King of Trios

August 25, 2014, 8:30 am
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Graphics via @CHIKARAPro
Via @CHIKARAPro

A week or so ago, Tidal Championship Wrestling leaked the identities of what was then the first team to be announced for the annual King of Trios tournament. The leak made its way onto the Chikara 101 message board, and it predated the first two announcements that were made this past week. Saturday, Chikara made the announcement official. Mark Andrews, Pete Dunne, and Damian Dunne will be venturing across The Pond to compete in the humongous tournament, happening September 19-21 in Easton, PA.

Andrews and Pete Dunne have history with the Chikara family of promotions. They appeared for Wrestling Is Cool last summer in a critically-acclaimed match against the Osirian Portal. I've been waiting for their return ever since the return match against the Portal was scuttled thanks to venue issues for WIC. Pete's brother Damian will be making his debut in the Chikaraverse, but he comes with similar hype. The group will join defending Kings of Trios the Spectral Envoy as well as the Spirit Squad in this year's tournament so far.
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From the Archives: Hulk Hogan vs. Dino Bravo.

August 25, 2014, 10:30 am
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I like seeing historical anomalies. Back in the pre-RAW days, seeing the tippy-top star - in this case, Hulk Hogan - wrestle on the regular TV shows like Wrestling Challenge or Superstars felt like a treat. Either you had to shell out money for the pay-per-view, watch a Saturday Night's Main Event, or get your ass down to the local arena for a house show (and only if you were blessed enough to be in the "A" city). However, in the leadup to WrestleMania VI, Hogan, as WWF Champion, was scheduled for a match against Dino Bravo on Wrestling Challenge. The match is short, and it serves mostly to set up some angles. But a couple of things stand out. First, Hogan compressing his match formula down from his typical 8-12 minute pay-per-view match length down to television sprint is a sight to behold, even if said formula works far better in the long form. Second, the wheels are in motion not only to set up for Mania VI's match with Warrior, but for the SummerSlam match against Earthquake.

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Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

August 25, 2014, 12:30 pm
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Orton's call to the announcers was more for show than effect
Photo Credit: WWE.com
This episode was exactly what people think of when they think of Smackdown - utterly predictable and a waste of time. I was bored throughout this entire show, despite the fact that it contained a lot of performers I really like. Smackdown does not have to be like this, and I wish someone would fix it.

Desperate For Friendship—Randy Orton
Randy Orton came out again this week to remind everyone that he is the Viper and he likes to hurt people blahblahblah. Mr. Orton, if you were really fearsome then you wouldn't need to constantly make these little speeches. Last week I suggested that he was really trying to get the attention of Dean Ambrose, but this week he was definitely looking to catch the eye of Roman Reigns. Their feud has clearly been decided - Reigns always comes out on top-and everyone knows it's over except for Orton. He's just desperate to keep this thing with Reigns going and it's kind of sad.

Even after his absolute bore of a match against Rob van Dam, Orton tasked commentary with telling Reigns that the two men would see each other later. Considering that commentary stays firmly ensconced behind their table for the entire show, there was no way that they could carry these instructions out, so the only point of Orton's message was to once again make sure that everyone knew that he was trying to be the most important aspect of Roman Reigns' life. During Reigns' main event match against the Miz (a repetition of last week and probably the biggest waste of time on the show), Orton sauntered out to insert himself in the proceedings, and while I was hoping that Reigns would just disdainfully ignore him, the two men ended up engaging in some intense staring followed by fisticuffs, followed by more intense staring. Randy Orton achieved his goal of getting Reigns to pay attention to him and I was bored out of my tree.

Worst Friend—Roman Reigns
Reigns finally remembered that Dean Ambrose exists and that they used to be friends, conveniently after it was too late to actually do anything to aid the latter. Reigns' vow to avenge Ambrose's abuse at the hands of the Authority rang hollow. You're a terrible friend, Mr. Reigns!

Should Not Be Friends—Jack Swagger and Bo Dallas
After Jack Swagger lost his match against Seth Rollins, Bo Dallas emerged to give one of his patented back-handed pep talks and offer to be our new American Sweetheart. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I didn't have the sneaking suspicion that we were being teased with a Swagger/Dallas team-up, despite the fact that Swagger is still (allegedly) a face. I'm beyond tired of Swagger being paired with far more charismatic people. I actually liked him as the All-American American-with his cheesy grins and bravado-but lately his constant dour expression just irritates me and I don't want someone I enjoy, such as Dallas, to be saddled with Swagger's dead weight of a character.

Most Stable Friendship—Rusev and Lana
Having effectively neutralized the Real American threat, Rusev and Lana appear to be as in sync as ever. We'll have to wait and see if Mark Henry can shake them up a little.

Can't You Just Be Friends?—Paige and AJ Lee
Natalya took over Eva Marie's role this week, keeping Paige occupied until a wild AJ Lee appeared and used DISTRACTION. As usual, it was SUPER EFFECTIVE (I'm positive that I'm not the first to make a Pokemon joke, but I don't care). I'm grateful that this time Paige didn't immediately succumb to the fatal distraction after Lee made her appearance, but I am tired of this pattern. I'm all for Paige and Lee playing mind games with each other but the constant repetition is the furthest thing from compelling and it makes both women look ridiculous, as neither of them is apparently learning anything or adapting. I kind of just want them both to be removed from the title scene until they can learn a fucking lesson (and so that Naomi can finally have a title run). Either that or have them legitimately be friends; no more of this “frenemies” bullshit. Just SOMETHING NEW. Please.

More Stable Friendships—Goldust and Stardust, Luke Harper and Erick Rowan
The outcome of this tag match was the only thing on the entire show that I didn't accurately predict. The Dust Brothers won and the Wyatt Family beat them up after the match, supposedly to “send a message,” though to whom and for what purpose I have no idea. Both teams still appear very team-y. There's nothing I love more than a strong, supportive tag team, so having these two teams in the division along with the Usos and Rybaxel is great, but it's just not going anywhere. Give me some sort of narrative, guys. I don't think I'm asking for the moon, here.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 144

August 25, 2014, 2:30 pm
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This match is discussed in great detail
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed
Episode: 144
Run Time: 1:48:14
Guest: Mick Foley

Summary: In the second half of a two-part episode, Foley and Austin start by taking a quick look at Daniel Bryan and CM Punk before discussing the pros and cons of Dolph Ziggler. There is an extended discussion of Foley’s promo work, including the genesis of some of his more prominent speeches and how they chanced his approach to his career. There’s also talk about the Hell in a Cell match, an extended laugh riot where they remember humorous times in the ring and some very frank discussion about the physical effects of a career in wrestling.

Quote of the week:“Once that ability (for the body to give) was gone and my hands were cuffed behind my back and that first chair shot came and it hurt me down to my toes, then I realized this was a whole new level of pain. And my reaction to that shot was to fire up. It was this strange thing, it was a suspension of disbelief. I became that character in the worst possible scenario. I became Mankind, believing completely in the character with the Rock and a steel chair and my kids in the front row.”

Why you should listen: This is a much better show than the first part. Most every topic they address gets significant time, and it feels like Austin is able to get Foley to either explore material not discussed in his many books and appearances, or at least use their shared history to shed different light on familiar anecdotes. Fans of Beyond the Mat especially owe themselves a few moments to listen to Foley discuss his Royal Rumble 1999 match, his family’s reaction, and the comments he made as part of the documentary.

Why you should skip it: Maybe you’re sick of hearing “old guys,” regardless of credentials, weigh in on the stars of today and tomorrow. Maybe you are completely fed up with any recollections of the Attitude Era or vintage ECW. Maybe you hate Vince McMahon with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns and you aren't in the mood to hear these guys agree that, deep down, he's a good guy. Maybe you expect to be blown away by these two icons having a three-hour sitdown interview, and in fairness, you’re not going to get that.

Final thoughts: If you have any affinity for Mick Foley, this show is worth a listen. It’s definitely more important than the first part from last week. Foley has such a way with words it doesn’t do him much justice for me to try to recap five-minute stories in a few sentences. If you’ve only got time for one show this week, I might still lean toward Kamala simply since he’s a far-less examined person, but almost every fan will enjoy this far more than Cheap Heat and Art of Wrestling combined.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, August 25

August 25, 2014, 4:30 pm
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Sports Illustrated cover-girl for throwing straight fire. Mo'Ne's the best in the world, y'all.
Photo Credit: Sarah Hoye/CNN.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Mo'Ne Davis (Last Week: 1) - So the Taney Dragons' dream run through the Little League World Series came to an abrupt halt with back-to-back losses to Mountain Ridge and Jackie Robinson West. However, the team has nothing to be ashamed of. Getting that far on the back of staff ace Davis is a great story, regardless of how it ended. And no matter what any salty asshole says, she earned that Sports Illustrated cover.

2. Nicole Matthews (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Matthews claimed another "men's" Championship for women when she won the Elite Canadian Championship Wrestling title this past weekend. While most people like myself are overjoyed at the fact that another wrestler was recognized for her prowess regardless of gender or other demographic concerns, noted DIRT SHEET SCOOPER Horb Flerbminber said of the decision "smdh misandry."

3. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: 4) - Look, if you're going to take an extended break from the ring to go shoot a movie, you could do worse to exit from the company by getting your face smashed into gimmicked cinder blocks. A lot worse.

4. Mark Henry (Last Week: 6) - FINALLY, an American hero that I can get behind!

5. Tiger Pies (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - The Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire had these creations for sale. Akin to a shepherd's pie, tiger pies contained some kind of meat (or mushrooms for the vegetarian folk) with gravy on top of a pastry shell topped with mashed potatoes and sweet mushy peas. Talk about hearty, I nearly filled up on one of them.

6. AJ Lee (Last Week: 7) - One of these days, she's going to haul off and bite Paige's face off for real, and I will have to rank Lee #1 in perpetuity.

7. Chuck Taylor (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I'm not one to argue with decisions made by President Obama in the field of wrestling at least, so I will welcome Chuck Taylor back as 24/7 Champion with OPEN ARMS.

8. Paige (Last Week: 8) - All this holding pattern namby-pamby nonsense with her and Lee is just a stopgap until Paige can convince WWE to allow her mum entry into the company as her second without being constrained in the Hannibal Lecter mask and gurney.

9. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 9) - The hot NEWZ coming out of Rumorland (a territory of Dirtsheetsylvania) is that Daniel Bryan is not a fan of the new story that places him as a cheater. Could this displeasure be an elaborate coverup to hide the fact that he is indeed cheating on Brie Bella? ...nah.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She's celebrating the Simpsons marathon by thinking about wearing her hair up like Marge Simpson.
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Instant Feedback: The Gatekeeper

August 25, 2014, 8:40 pm
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Was this necessary?
Roderick Strong is not a name that inspires a lot of excitement anymore. Once upon a time, he was fresh, new, part of the new wave of professional wrestling springing up in the smaller buildings, drawing influence directly from the big puroresu companies and from the distillate collected at the ECW Arena for Paul Heyman's seminal indie promotion. However, as his peers were called to bigger stages in either Connecticut or Florida, he stayed behind.

He was eventually rewarded with a token run with the Ring of Honor World Championship, a way to transition the belt from Tyler Black's long overdue run to the next, American Wolf-heavy era, but for the most part, Strong remained as a supporting player. He had a degree of prominence attached to his name, sure. Like Darrell Hammond or Tim Meadows on Saturday Night Live, he has become the stable veteran, who, even though he cannot find that vehicle to get to the more prominent stage, can still step in, perform at a high level, and provide some kind of name recognition when the other castmembers still need some kind of seasoning.

In a word, Strong has become a gatekeeper, less so in ROH than in Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. He provides a name quantity for the younger up-and-comers to test mettle against, but he's still credible enough to get a spot title shot or to provide a storyline mechanism for someone higher up the card than he is. When Davey Richards became flakier than a French croissant, Strong provided a stable tag partner for Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards in the Dojo Bros. When a guy like Willie Mack needed an opponent to build a reputation against, Strong came to the rescue. When someone was needed to make a deep run in a random Battle of Los Angeles, Strong's dance card was ready to be punched.

Wins and losses became irrelevant to him, not because he had this kind of animal magnetism about him like The Rock, but because fans developed some kind of reasonable, complacent expectation. That wording might sound disparaging, but at the same time, all a company needs some time is a rock who can go out and provide some kind of known quantity in order to act as an anchor for another wrestler to take flight.

The reason why Strong is so relevant to this conversation despite the fact that he's about as close to appearing on RAW in a non-Rosebud, non-security guard capacity as I am at this point is that he represents one thing that WWE truly lacks right now. If WWE had a gatekeeper like him, it wouldn't have had to have thrown Bray Wyatt to the Cenation's wolves in order to keep its master replenished and young for his upcoming rubber match against the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar.

John Cena needed a pick-me-up after losing in humiliating fashion at SummerSlam to the now-WWE Champion. The reactivation of his heat furnace could be done in two ways. One, WWE could craft a master story of redemption, a true underdog tale replete with a kick-ass '80s action/sports movie training montage. The other route, the one WWE chose to go, would be to serve up someone close to Cena in stature who could absorb a similar kind of ass-kicking that Cena took at the hands of Lesnar eight days prior. Cena needed to call the gatekeeper home in order to pay his penance to the upper card, but no gatekeeper was to be found.

Wyatt was a terrible choice, and he will remain one until he reaches a point where his act has dried up and he has nowhere else to evolve. Right now, he is perhaps the hottest commodity in the company, and he's got a feud he needs to be protected for against Chris Jericho. Randy Orton has fit that role from time to time, but his career has hit renaissance levels, and he needs some kind of protection for his assumed rematch against Roman Reigns. Mark Henry and Big Show are babyfaces positioned as allies to Cena; otherwise, either one would have filled the role nicely. Miz and Sheamus both needed protection as well. Kane already got himself entangled as a sacrifice in another feud. Ryback's handling has been botched to the level that he might have silenced the crowd even further.

Granted, WWE has been put in this position because of injuries and absences. If Daniel Bryan, Bad News Barrett, Batista, and Dean Ambrose were all around, could someone else have been freed up to take Cena's ass-whipping? WWE is also a dynamic company where everyone could end up serving a purpose at a moment's notice. As noted above, Orton was placed in a staid role as gatekeeper during the near entirety of 2012. Big Show has shiftlessly roamed around the WWE Universe more times than a hobo searching for his next can of beans along the railroad right-of-way. Still, WWE has more writers than some companies have wrestlers. It lost more money last quarter than some companies will have as operating revenue during their existences. It has a dynamic roster despite the injuries. Why should excuses continue to be made for a promotion that has unprecedented resources that it fails to utilize in the most expedient way possible?

A wrestler to act as gatekeeper like Roderick Strong does in PWG is certainly a fallback option WWE should have on tap all the time. If an indie promotion that runs an American Legion hall every other month can plot its course with that character in its budget, why can't WWE? Bray Wyatt had no reason to get offered up like a sacrificial lamb, but on the last RAW in the month of August in 2014, this company is still offering up young stars with high ceilings in feuds that require their protection as sacrifices to a John Cena whose requirements for a burnt offering are different than what Wyatt has to offer.
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The Power Cosmic Has Corrupted the Dust Bros.

August 26, 2014, 4:30 am
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Photo Credit: WWE.com
As fate would let unfurl, time spent by the Dust Brothers (formerly Them Fightin' Rhodes Boys) in that panic room not only made them crazier, but it turned them evil. After one of the Uso Brothers' trick knees gave out and caused a countout, the Dusts showed a devious side that was reminiscent more of fatherly rival Ric Flair than of Dad-Dust himself. I will admit not to seeing their arc take them to the dark side of the cosmos, but villainy could be refreshing for them. However, if they become heralds for Galactus, then I'll take it all back as the cosmic giant consumes planet Earth and all that lives upon it.
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Break Out the Sugar and Hide Your Magnifying Glasses, the Colony's In

August 26, 2014, 6:30 am
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Ants! In my pants! Err, I mean my tourney!
Graphics via @CHIKARAPro
Via @CHIKARAPro

The rightful 2011 Chikara King of Trios Champions are in the tournament. Actually, this Colony is slightly different from the one that bested Team FIST to cap off perhaps the best weekend of wrestling that I have ever experienced. Worker Ant 2.0 replaces Soldier Ant, and Green Ant has evolved into Silver Ant. Still, what's a Chikara tournament without ants crawling around? While I doubt the Colony: Original Recipe will be the only set of formidicae in the proceedings, these three mighty mat mites will be the best. Sorry Missile! Assault! Ant!

The ants have to be considered nominal favorites to win, although the group would be facing steep odds. No trio has ever won multiple tournaments. Regardless, I'd expect a first round win at the very least and some kind of climactic event that diverts them away from the final day and towards either the tag gauntlet or some kind of skirmish in the tecnicos vs. The Flood war. The Colony will join the Spirit Squad, Spectral Envoy, and Team UK in the tournament thus far.
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Kill Commentary on RAW

August 26, 2014, 10:30 am
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JBL's barely good for getting his hat taken from him, let alone adding to the show
Photo Credit: WWE.com
WWE's announce table, at least its main announce team on RAW, has taken a lot of lumps over the last couple of years for good reason. If one were to listen to the old guard, the fact that Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and JBL do not call the action in the ring is anathema. While I can empathize with that point of view, I don't necessarily agree with it. Wrestling is a visual art, and outside of letting people know what the moves are called from time to time (especially signature spots), I don't need to have the Vin Scully play-by-play breakdown on what's going on in the ring. However, I do need to have constructive commentary that helps inform and move stories along. I need to know why things are happening from the unbiased/good guy perspective. I would love to have some kind of rebuttal from the black hats too. Over and above everything else, I need my announcers to help fill in the blanks on what has happened before, and what might be happening in the ring at the moment. The worst thing in the world for any wrestling show is a commentary track that adds not information or emotional gravity, but cacophony.

The current three-man team has had several examples pointed out over the last couple of years where it has failed and failed miserably at getting stories over in the ring. Whether it be cracking jokes, making obscure references that don't fit in the moment, or perpetuating ugly racist, sexist, or otherwise bigoted points of view from an unchallenged heel or even worse, one of the babyfaces in the group, the group has been an unmitigated failure. While my breaking point at the ugly sexist language has been breached a long time ago, the last straw in terms of the group's ability to inform the audience of happenings on the show was shattered.

During the match between Nattie Neidhart and Paige, Neidhart locked in her signature Sharpshooter onto the Divas Champion, who crawled to the ropes for a break. During the moment when Neidhart and the referee were conversing over the break, Paige knocked her down and began to lock in her PTO finish (the Scorpion Crosslock). The hold is similar in setup to the Sharpshooter, but Paige has done it so many times that teasing the leg grapevine would indicate the PTO and not the Sharpshooter. This move was introduced into Paige's moveset during NXT ArRIVAL, and she'd been using it quite frequently on the main roster since she got called up. JBL has seen her lock the move in on RAW, and he was the general manager of NXT when the move was debuted. So of course, he called it correctly, right? Haha, nope, he went into a tirade about how embarrassing Neidhart tapping to her own move would be. What made the matter worse, feeble attempts to correct him from Cole and Lawler were met with even louder bluster. Fucking up is one thing, but doubling down and being the dominant voice insisting your fuckup was part of the script in the first place doesn't belong in the show at all. And if JBL meant to go that route or was directed to do so from his headset, then it shows a fundamental disconnect between what WWE thinks commentary's role is and what that role really is.

Any voice added to a wrestling show needs to enhance the proceedings. The truth about commentary is that it is ultimately superfluous. One can watch a show based on promos and matches alone and get the gist of what's going on. If commentary is to be added to the show, it has to add something, not take away from it. Far too many times have companies employed gross, boring, ineffectual, or just plain annoying announcers to explain actions in the ring, and WWE's main broadcast team has been the mascot for poor voice-enhancement for the last two-to-three years at the very least. Every single problem it has caused can be traced to direction rather than execution.

The dirtiest little secret in wrestling is that the NXT announce table is actually below-average on the whole. When William Regal is in the chair, then everything appears to be alright because he's by far the best announcer in WWE and a strong contender for best English-language announcer in America right now. But when he's absent, no one picks up the mantel and is able to be as engaging and informative as he is, not Tom Phillips, not Alex Riley or Jason Alberts, and especially not Renee Young, at least right now. However, more often than not, even when Regal is not there, the NXT booth is at least tolerable. Its direction is not to pop Vince McMahon like JBL's role is rumored to be. Instead, their directive is to get what's going on in the ring over. That reason and that reason alone is what makes that group stronger than the sum of its parts.

WWE now has two options in front of it. The company either needs to change direction completely with the broadcast booth, fire JBL (or at least remove him from commentary), and get the people who coach the announcers in NXT to be the same ones in the headphones for RAW, or it needs to ditch the announcers altogether. The latter option is not going to happen, but really, when was the last time the people behind the desk actually added to the show? Was it when CM Punk was recovering from his injury and taking a sojourn as an announcer? Was it before even then way back when Paul Heyman was teamed up with Jim Ross? RAW has functioned pretty well without anyone calling the action. Maybe the lack of decent commentators is part of why WWE hasn't produced a glut of stars or had ensemble casts who got reactions regardless of talent levels since Ross' heyday. Radio silence from the broadcast booth wouldn't be the optimal solution, but right now, it would beat the holy hell out of hearing Lawler make another antiquated crack about women or JBL shout over everyone else in order to prove that might (of voice) equals right.

I can only tune out the commentators so much, and for fans who listen to what they have to say intently, they're getting so much misinformation and are led to believe that the voices of WWE don't give a flying shit about what goes on in the company. If WWE wants to get this $9.99 price point for The Network over so hard, why is it entrusting people who don't care about anything that's aired ON it to shill for it? If WWE wants Adam Rose to get over, then why are the people in charge dismayed that he's failing miserably when JBL is crowing about how stupid his entourage is while he's on his way to the fucking ring? Maybe the reason why NXT has such a healthy and supportive crowd is because those fans don't have to deal with grumpy assholes shitting on everything they love, even when they watch what they saw live from home.

Maybe if WWE fans at home had tranquil silence from everyone who wasn't a fan, a wrestler, or a NPC within the story, then maybe they would get the chance to love those characters too without getting a heaping load of bullshit to go on top of the narrative they hear with their own ears.
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The Best Moves Ever: BRAAAAAINBUSTAAAAAHHHHH!!!

August 27, 2014, 4:30 am
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This week's TBME will be the last one in the series. I have enjoyed posting YouTube clips of my favorite moves, but the motions are just getting too repetitive. Besides, y'all got YouTube and search functions. Anyway, the last one in the series will also be the first one I ever posted, one of my favorite moves, if not my most beloved move of all-time, El Generico's corner BRAINBUSTAAAAHHHHHHH. If he ever does this move again, he'll either have persuaded his opponent and WWE to let him do such a risque maneuver, or his WWE career as Sami Zayn will have gone terribly wrong. Either way, at least footage is available of it.

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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 145

August 27, 2014, 6:30 am
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Ross is the guest on this show rather than the host
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 145
Run Time: 1:29:56
Guest: Jim Ross

Summary: Austin opens up with brief thoughts about the opening of Raw Monday (he hasn’t watched the rest of the show), then brings back his old fan JR to shoot the breeze a bit before taking questions for both of them from Steve’s Twitter followers. They touch on many familiar topics — Bray Wyatt, Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, Sting and the Survivor Series 1997.

Quote of the week:“As long as Heyman doesn’t get laryngitis, as long as a camera crew can find their way to Minnesota and watch this big bastard cut down trees or gut a deer, whatever, you’re good. It was the same theory back in the day with Andre the Giant coming through the territories a week a year, two weeks a year.… It was damn sure that way with Flair when Flair was the NWA champion.”

Why you should listen: If you’re not a regular listener of the Ross Report, perhaps what JR offers here will feel fresh. The first question, about the legendary Danny Hodge, is the best of the bunch. If you love Paul Heyman, the praise each has for Lesnar’s advocate is worth your time. Ross is at his best when honestly discussing his own craft as an announcer, and he has a few chances to tell some of those stories.

Why you should skip it: A lot of this is well-worn territory. It’s late August, no one has anything new to say about the Undertaker’s streak ending. Likewise, there’s no stones unturned about the Montreal Screwjob nearly 17 years later, or King of the Ring 1998 16 years hence. We’ve heard what Ross thinks about Taker, Sting, Reigns and WrestleMania XXXI almost weekly on his show, and neither he nor Austin have anything fresh on these familiar fronts.

Final thoughts: Austin actually is a thoughtful interviewer — much more so than Ross, oddly enough — but turning the questions over to his listeners moved the show away from anything but the most obvious topics. Presumably Austin curated those questions, which makes the choices all the more curious. I was hoping I’d be rewarded by being a regular listener of both men’s shows, but this episode is really only useful for those who haven’t heard much of anything from either guy of late.
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Your Midweek Links: Clickhole Does Rasslin'

August 27, 2014, 8:30 am
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Vader made Clickhole!
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Wrestling Links:

- These wrestlers look flawless with or without their masks [Clickhole]

- The man without a mask [The New Yorker]

- The Best and Worst of RAW: A Womb of One's Own [With Spandex]

- Thank you, Lesnar. Thank you, Lesnar? Thank you, Lesnar! [Grantland]

- WWE's actual Plan B is John Cena [TJR Wrestling]

- Top Down Smackdown: Guess what? Cena turned heel a long time ago [Topless Robot]

- The Best and Worst of NXT: Ow, My Leg! [With Spandex]

- The Art of Gimmickry: The Bad-Ass Wrestler [Old School Jabronis]

- TNA Impact (August 20) Review [Voices of Wrestling]

- Seven Things: Best dressed wrestlers [Wrestling on Earth]

- Maury Savage [Wrestling in the Clinton Years]

- The Ten Count: Best wrestling-themed sitcom episodes [Old School Jabronis]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- How to watch FXX's Simpsons marathon without dying [Warming Glow]

- The Simpsons arcade game made me love the show even more [The Verge]

- 20 Simpsons guest voices you didn't know about [Dorkly]

- A live action Krusty series? 25 Simpsons facts to impress your friends with [Warming Glow]

- You're gonna need a bigger stick: The craziest Colombian bullfighting story ever [VICE Sports]

- US Cellular Field's three-pound sundae a soupy disaster [SB Nation]

- A four-year old reviews the French Laundry [The Bold Italic]

- Pinocchio's Pizza: Media, PA [Holzerman Hungers]

- Arby's has a secret menu item called the Meat Mountain [Kitchenette]

- How to make calamari, the classiest of the fried foods [Foodspin]

- ATVS Cooks: Jambalayathan Part Two [And the Valley Shook]

- The definitive pizza-style rankings [SB Nation]

- F*ck you, NFL, pay your artists [Pajiba]

- ZWR's fantasy football primer 2014 [Zoo with Roy]

- Notre Dame was never special, and it never will be [Deadspin]

- College Football Shootaround: 2014 predictions we're bound to regret [Grantland]

- Is your pet ready for the season? [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

- Killer Mike on the underlying chaos in Ferguson [Billboard]

- Journeys among the Mo'Ne Davis trolls [SB Nation]

- All this racism is exhausting [TMI]

- This Week in F*ck You: Unnecessary Celebrity Quotes [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

- Ain't no liga like the one I got: 2014-15 La Liga preview [Screamer]

- The top 100 clubs in North America [Brotherly Game]

- Having a rough day? Here's a cosplaying corgi [Cosplay]

- Five things the Star Wars prequels did right [Observation Deck]

- You haven't played these Pokemon games, but you should [Polygon]

- Why I love spoilers [Pajiba]

- The next NBA labor war is already here [VICE Sports]

- The ten most gruesome torture devices from medieval times [io9
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King of Trios to Be Devastating, Canadian

August 27, 2014, 10:30 am
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Graphics via @CHIKARAPro
Both announcementsvia @CHIKARAPro

So, Chikara has upped the pace on announcing teams for King of Trios this year, going seemingly every day with a new team. Neither of the latest two teams are all too surprising, but they are essential to the current main narrative. Yesterday's announced trio is also the first troika from The Flood to make entry into the tournament. Max Smashmaster, Blaster McMassive, and Flex Rumblecrunch, known collectively as Sidney Bakabella's Devastation Corporation, will HOSS their way into the tournament. The massive mountains of man have to be considered one of the favorites to win the whole thing. In fact, their fate in the tournament may be foreshadowing as to how long the current fight between Chikara and The Flood will last. If the Corp (or some other Flood-affiliated team) happens to win, the Chikaraverse could reasonably expect at least another year of all-out war. If a Flood team gets to the finals and loses to, say...

Graphics via @CHIKARAPro

...3Peck0, then maybe the season finale will see the biggest defeat of The Flood and the end of the threat to Chikara's very existence. Yes, Archibald Peck and the wily Canadian tag team of Shane Matthews and Scott Parker - 3.0 - are the latest team announced, and these three wrestlers also have to be considered a threat to win the whole thing. Peck will be making his second King of Trios appearance, and the first that was actually announced ahead of time. He teamed with Mihara and Tito Santana last year under the guise of the Mysterious and Handsome Stranger as a replacement for the Submission Squad. As for 3.0, their fourth appearance comes with a fourth partner. In 2007, they teamed with Maxime Boyer, 2011 with El Generico, and 2012 with Gran Akuma. Will the fourth partner be the charm?

King of Trios' lineup this year is shaping up to be another fine collection of teams, even before reaching the halfway point. The Devastation Corporation and 3Peck0 will join the teams already announced so far: The Spirit Squad, Spectral Envoy, Team UK, The Colony. Six teams are in, and ten more are to be announced. GET HYPE, CHIKARA FANS.
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Best Coast Bias: Up The Bracket

August 27, 2014, 12:30 pm
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Definitely not pictured: three generic luchadores
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Sans the NXT Champion or the suddenly-MIA Tag Champions, it was the contendership tournament semifinals that bookended and took center stage on NXT.  And when the dust cleared, it was a case of the sizzle overwhelming the steak involved.

Let's set the stage: with their respective wins the Vaudevillians will be set to face off against Sin Cara and Kalisto.  But while the throwbacks put a surprisingly quick win on the board against the Jersey Boyz more notable for the Legionnaires shaving a husk out of the beard of Enzo Amore after the match (per last week, note they waited for the victory to occur before deciding on revenge on the certified G and bona fide stud), the luchadores had to put in more work to put away the Red Rosebuds in the two-segger that finished off the program.

At some point in the future, Kalisto's going to break free and it's going to be bananas if his timing gets better. Despite a couple of offbeats in the main, he did bring a very Rey-in-'94 vibe to longtime pro graps addicts. One spot in particular highlighted his uniqueness and athletic ability wherein he dove through an attempted Sami Zayn monkey flip, came to a stop, walked forward on his hands before somersaulting backwards into a headscissor, followed by a nip-up into a cover.  For once announcerial ineptitude on a WWE broadcast was completely wholly earned, as to say "it was like a video game" would be an insult to programmers who do damn good work but aren't that good yet.

Hilariously, Sami spent the rest of the match when he was in there with Kalisto giving him what can best be described as respectful side-eye.  Those sorts of things occur when someone eats the whole wheel and ruins your fridge.  As it broke down, Zayn was a second late to save Adam Rose from a Sliced Bimbo Numero Tres and Sin Cara senton bomb (a la English's second rope one that completed That's A Wrap earlier to punch the Quite Manly Men's tickets).  It's expected for the finals that the Full Sailors will be into both teams as they were both teams here, and quite honestly they can go either way with that payoff as whoever wins should get more support than the Ascension besides the sporadic calls of YAH!

But while last week was the sort of show that makes one hypothesize that if NXT was a person it'd smell like good credit and your asshole ex snapping their femur, this was one more noticeable for the lacunae than the steady brickwork that's the show's hallmark. Tyson Kidd and Tyler Breeze had potential to have an awesome match, but instead it went two minutes and Breeze bailed out. Triple H showed up to make the announcement that there'd be another Network Special on September 11th (adjusts collar nervously) but also added that there'd be a new GM for NXT that'd show up on the next show. Weird, right?

Hasn't JBL's laissez-faire-to-the-point-of-comical-ineptitude reign worked so far? Mojo Rawley got to run somebody over after that Bull Dempsey went Bull on him last week, but his lack of smiling and threatening that he was going to show Princeton Dempsey what being hyped and staying hyped was all about -- let alone that accent Kanye shrug -- made him sound, feel, and look like someone more likely to dance around to Q Lazzarus than a babyface to be rallied around.  Possibly the evening's best match had Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte again, but not only did the redhead Bow Down again, number one contender Bayley was no where in sight and had apparently no response to Charlotte's uncharacteristic reaction to her last week.

With two shows between now and Takeover II: The Takeoverening (assuming that these semi-frequent forays into live on WWEN don't all fall under the name Takeover a la Clash of the Champions), it's clear that besides offering every single Championship defended that there needs to be one last little bump besides a Lefort/Amore hair v. hair match to take T2 into the realm of unmissable sequels. Whether it be the Vaudies or the Luchas, somebody's about to get their first shot at becoming fresh meat.  Let's see if they can avoid the grinder.
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The Impact Report: The Assassination Of Dixie Carter By The Coward Bully Ray

August 27, 2014, 2:30 pm
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Eric Young the beneficiary of a confusing finish to Hardcore Justice
Photo Credit: ImpactWrestling.com
Hey guys, sorry I’ve been super late with last week's Impact Report. Some personal things came up and more important, Impact has been super depressing lately, and I really just needed to clear my head and get into the right frame of mind to do this justice. Plus I totally forgot about the change to Wednesday night and I usually write these the same day the show airs to get everyone caught up. Honestly this review is going to be really short because not a lot happened on Impact the past two weeks. Spinning wheels has become an unfortunate theme among televised wrestling lately, and with TNA basically on life support at this point I’m just waiting to see what’ll happen when they pull the plug.

So, to catch you guys up, Bully Ray murdered Dixie Carter for real and then gloated about. Ethan Carter III and Rockstar Spud got arrested for no reason. Samoa Joe became our new X Division Champion and he looked SO excited to win the title. And then we had Hardcore Justice, the “extreme” themed pay per view where everything was made up and the points didn’t matter, that ended with a contrived ending to a cage match to determine the number one contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Since TNA apparently doesn’t own a hard camera to use for their shows the match was edited so weird that it really looked like only one guy hit first. It’s the Bret Hart/Lex Luger Royal Rumble match all over again, just this time we’re going to get Eric Young and Bobby Roode versus Bobby Lashley (who is kind of like Yokozuna).

Just, everything about this show is so frustrating and depressing. With the news of the impending Spike TV cancellation out in the open every show feels like it could be TNA’s last show, and honestly I don’t know if I’d miss it. TNA has always been about the glorification of a bygone era of wrestling, whether it be the over-abundance of past-their-prime WWE wrestlers on the roster or the Attitude Era style crash booking or the horrifying misogyny. This is the time for TNA to try new things and I feel like they’re wasting that chance with this weird nostalgia tour they’re doing lately. There’s no reason for the Hardys and “Dudleys” doing a main event in the year of our lord 2014.
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The Wrestling Blog Retro Live Tweet Series, Episode 3: WWF In Your House: Canadian Stampede

August 27, 2014, 4:30 pm
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Oh yes, it's gonna go down
Photo Credit: WWE.com
A month or so ago, several titanic users of the Twittah Machine ventured forth on an odyssey to watch one of the worst pay-per-views ever produced by a mainstream wrestling company in WCW Sin. Several months before that, several others, some the same, some not, gathered 'round the television to view WrestleMania 2, the forgotten Mania for a reason, to celebrate the launch of the WWE Network. Because both of those shows were so bad, I, the charterer and benefactor of these voyages, ended up feeling super-duper bad about putting people through those shows. So, as a make-good, I am beyond ecstatic to announce that the third installment of The Wrestling Blog Retro Live Tweet Series shall be centered around one of the best, if not THE best pre-2000 World Wrestling Federation pay-per-view events. I am officially setting a coordination time of 8 PM Eastern Daylight on Wednesday, September 3 for this trek into the past of the great Northern neighbor to the United States. Yes, the third episode will deal with...

WWF In Your House: Canadian Stampede

The times were turbulent in WWF in 1997. The dated, cartoonish era of silly gimmicks and larger-than-life superhero and archvillain characters gave way to an explosive mix of real people who had real issues. Throw in a heavy dose of jingoism, and the pot was ready to blow its lid. Canadian Stampede was the final two-hour installment of the In Your House series, and only four matches were on the slate. All four of them drew some kind of acclaim. The show opened with one of many outstanding brawls between Mankind and Triple H. Then, Great Sasuke and TAKA Michinoku showed that WCW wasn't the only company who could put on outstanding junior heavyweight action (although the lack of follow-up on their match was baffling). Undertaker and Vader squared off for the WWF Championship, and when that HOSS FIGHT served as an extended palate-cleanser, then one knew the main event had to be special. And with the nuclear Calgary Saddledome crowd in place, the Hart Foundation's defense of Canadian soil against Team USA, led by Steve Austin, turned out to cap what many still consider to be in their top five events of all-time. Won't you come and join me and my intrepid band of live-tweeters for two hours of sublime wrestling action next week?
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: The Ross Report Ep. 28

August 28, 2014, 4:30 am
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Tony Schiavone, in the flesh, on the podcast
Screen Grab via the Big Lead
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: The Ross Report
Episode: 28
Run Time: 1:39:13
Guest: Tony Schiavone

Summary: The interview starts at 30:20 after the usual Ross opinions on the state of WWE and TNA. He and Schiavone talk about Tony’s fandom before becoming a wrestling announcer, their early days with the Crockett family, his year with WWF and the Nitro era.

Quote of the week:“If he’s angry at me, I deserve it. And I feel bad about it because he truly was one of the great guys to work with. … I shouldn’t have been a company guy then.” Schiavone on his post-WCW releationship with Bobby Heenan.

Why you should listen: Schiavone is perhaps one of the most unfairly maligned wrestling personalities of the last 30 years. In addition to being a legitimate old-school NWA fan before getting his first job, he worked with nearly every big name in the business over a 20-year span. His early work often is overlooked because of how he presided over the waning days of WCW, but few are willing to concede how hard it was for him to work in that environment. Further, Schiavone just doesn’t do these kinds of interviews, and JR does a better job than usual of laying back and letting his subject tell his own story.

Why you should skip it: If you’re hoping to hear Schiavione badmouth someone, well, you’re out of luck. He has good things to say about nearly everyone he’s ever worked with, from Vince McMahon to Vince Russo and everyone in between. There are times Ross takes over to interject his own stories and opinions, which is aggravating as always. If any recent guest was worthy of a two-part interview, it’s Schiavone, though perhaps a return appearance will be in the mix.

Final thoughts: If you only have so much tolerance for Jim Ross this week, you absolutely want to spend it here instead of his appearance on Austin’s show. With future guests to include guys like Magnum TA and Stan Hansen, it seems JR is getting in tune with the best way to maximize his own background. The next time he says something original in his monologue will be cause for celebration, but it’s easy enough to skip that without an ounce of regret. Another interviewer might get even more out of Schiavone, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to make the rounds, so this might not just be your best chance to catch up, it may be the only one.
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An Interview with Inspire Pro's Justin Bissonnette

August 28, 2014, 6:30 am
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Biss says that Barbi Hayden's NWA Women's Championship is a big centerpiece for Inspire Pro
Photo Credit: Kelly Kyle/Texas Anarchy
Inspire Pro Wrestling has yet another stacked show planned for Sunday, August 31st, at 6 PM Central Daylight Time inside the Marchesa Hall and Theatre in Austin, Texas. You can get all the relevant information at InspireProWrestling.com or just check out my preview of the show later this week on this very website! *bask in the cheap pop*

So, if this isn’t a preview, what is it? Well, you clearly failed at reading comprehension when you didn’t look at the title of this column when you clicked on it. And if that is the case, I’m not sure anything you read here will matter. In the event that you just go around to random websites and click on links willy-nilly, well, welcome. Happy to have you. What you are about to read is an email interview with one of the men behind Inspire Pro, Justin “Biss” Bissonnette.

I would like to thank Biss for taking the time to answer the questions from a random stranger who finds the thing Biss runs to be his favorite non-wife-related thing in this world. (Well, my wife and corgis.) I didn’t have time to write this up all fancy, so you’ll simply get my questions and then his answers. The content is as he told me. And if you don’t believe that, I have two words for you, email copy. Yeah, I have the emails.

Without further ado:

(Please note that this is the first time I’ve ever interviewed someone.)

As a fan, when did you start watching wrestling? What was the moment (if there was a moment) that hooked you?

Wrestling was just something that was always around when I was growing up, my parents were not huge fans but when it was on they had it on the TV. This is the first time I’ve publicly talked about this, but my great-grandfather was in wrestling in the Dakotas and Michigan in the '20s through the late '30s, as well as two great uncles that worked in Georgia in the '50s. So I guess maybe that’s where the interest came from.

If I had to pin point a moment [that hooked me] I think it would be Jake "the Snake" [Roberts] and Randy Savage with the Cobra… I may have already been hooked by then but that’s the moment from my childhood that sticks out. Summer Slam '91 was my first wrestling PPV so by then I was a full fledged Hulkamaniac.

Do you know much about them [great-grandfather and uncles]? Were they popular? Did you ever get to meet them?

My great-grandfather, Curly Bissonnette, was very much a local wrestler, his greatest achievement was a shot at the Michigan State Title. My great-uncles were on the side of my family I don’t know much about.

When did you decide you wanted to work in the industry?

I think any fan has an interest in getting involved. For me it was late ‘99, early 2000 when I really started to think about what was going on behind the scenes and how matches were made and how stories were told. My next jump was in late 2006, I trained [to be a wrestler] for six weeks and realized I was going to be a horrible wrestler. At that point I had already been helping Stan with some of the Indywarz stuff so I decided to focus more on covering good wrestling than becoming a bad one.

Where did you get your start (and doing what)?

I was doing video interviews with IndywarzTV. Darin Childs and Jacob Ladder liked my work so Darin asked if I would like to come do the same kind of work for ACW. May 6th, 2007, at the Venue in San Antonio, I showed up and started filming backstage promos. Without the faith Darin showed in me then I would not be where I am today.

What was your time like in ACW? What was your role? How did you get started? Why did you leave?

For the most part my time in ACW was great. I got to meet a ton of awesome people like Jerry Lynn and Daffney and developed life-long friendships with guys like Showtime [Scot Summers], [Shawn] Vexx, ACH, Jeff Gant, Rachel Summerlyn… the list goes on. My role in ACW grew as need grew. I started just filming backstage promos, then started filming the hype reels and doing play by play. Later I took more of an office role and was booking the pre-show tryouts and organizing day of show operations. The last year I was there I was not very happy. I, personally, thought my play by play work had become stale, I didn’t like the overall direction of the company, and felt powerless to change it or make an impact on it. I just kinda felt I was just there to be there. I almost left in September but decided to stick it out till the new year and things just got worse. The [final] nail in the coffin for me was Rachel Summerlyn leaving. I felt that staying would have required a new focus and a lot of grunt work I was not sure the remaining office fully understood and I did not have the passion at the time for it.

What was the impetus to begin Inspire Pro? Was it difficult to get off the ground?

Inspire was originally going to be a show run in small oil towns around San Antonio in the summer of 2012, run by Josh Montgomery, that I was going to help out with, but it never got off the ground. The idea came back up in, I want to say February of 2013, and I told him there was no way I could travel to San Antonio for it. So, I consulted Max Meehan, who I became friends with watching Dragon Gate iPPVs with, and we started talking about what it would take to do it in Austin. Max also had a lot of ideas on the creative side I liked and he came on board and we formed the start of the office from there. Honestly, I had not really enjoyed my last year in wrestling and just wanted to do something fun… but a funny thing happened, people showed up and enjoyed it so on we march.

Start up was very difficult and I did not even believe it was happening until I picked up Chuck Taylor from the airport. Hell there are still moments I can’t believe it is happening.

How does the relationship with NWA work? Do they have a say in anything? Or just the matches involving any NWA Title?

The NWA had a great Interest in us and how we conducted ourselves, which really makes you feel awesome as a promoter. My main interest was giving the NWA Women’s Title a home base it could be showcased. Tony [Brooklyn] and Bruce [Tharpe] trust us to maintain the NWA standard of excellence and are for the most part hands off. On top of all that joining the NWA has put us in a great support group of like-minded promoters that we can learn from and lean on to improve Inspire and, honestly, vice versa.

Any chance of having NWA World or Tag Team Title defenses?

In time, those titles have spent a lot of time overseas [currently held in New Japan Pro Wrestling by Satoshi Kojima and Hiroyoshi Tenzan] since we joined. We want to do it right and make sure it makes sense and is not tossed together.

Being as Inspire Pro and Branded Outlaw are both under the NWA banner (and share many of the same talents), do you foresee any cross-promotional shenanigans?

Ton of respect for David and Jax [Dane] down there. Jax was a big part of bringing us into the NWA. With the rosters being so similar I don’t know if you will see the traditional cross-promotional stuff. I have no interest in invading San Antonio. There are other ways to compete though.

It's only been two shows with the XX Division being the focus, but it already feels like a promotion where the women are the top draw. Could be because it's rare to see the women as equals to the men. How do you feel about that?

In time I think the XX division will let XX wrestlers be seen as not just good women’s wrestlers but just good wrestlers period, while also giving younger girls a chance to grow to that point. Good wrestling is good wrestling.

Do you see the women ever competing against the men (I know Barbi was in that one battle royal) or do you intend to keep them separate? I go back and forth on what I would like to see, cause I think that's the easiest way to show they truly are equals (like you said, good wrestling is good wrestling, gender doesn't matter), but I also know that it can open yourself up to some pretty misogynistic story-telling (if you're lazy). Because you have people like Candice LaRae who have found lots of success competing with the men and even a lot of the women in ACW's history like Rachel Summerlyn and Portia Perez and Athena.

I think a few of the XXD girls could have success wrestling the guys tomorrow. I also feel the XX Division is a good place for the younger girls to grow in the mean time.

My wife has decided she will be going to wrestling school (Barbi Hayden is her hero and inspiration). Would you have any advice for her? Being a woman in wrestling can be difficult.

Train with Funaki or Paul London. Set your standard of how you wish to be treated and stick by it, you have to be willing to pass up opportunities if they are not right.

You've used Chuck Taylor, Robert Evans, Chris Hero, Watanabe, Tadasuke, Solo Darling, Veda Scott, Portia Perez, Leva Bates, Gary Jay, and Mia Yim (I may have missed some). How do you decide on who you want to try and bring in? Are there any you weren't able to get? Who would you like to see in the future? Personally, as a fellow Kentuckian, I would like to see Sweet Chuckie T return, and would love to see Candice LaRae (and I guess you can bring Joey Ryan, too) in an Inspire ring. Also, Davey Vega.

It’s a mix of factors, we really felt Chuck Taylor was someone people would come out to see, same with Hero, the others are folks I have meet over the years. There are tons of people we have tried to bring in or would like to bring in, it’s just kind of all about everything lining up.

How is it having to deal with so many egos? Or has it been relatively easy with Inspire Pro?

A good wrestler looks after himself as well as the overall quality of the show. One of my gifts is in the talent relations department, but being apart of ownership has tested that skill because I am human and still make mistakes. But overall we have a very professional locker room that is easy to work with even when we reach difficult situations.

Speaking of egos… Sammy Guevara... what the hell? If he ever gets his shit together, would he be welcomed back or is he just done for good?

It would take a lot of growing up, and I am very disappointed. I’m not sure who is in his ear but I wish there had been an apology to the family. At this point if we had continued to use him we would have supported that behavior. All we can do now is hope he learns on his own. Lots of questions, where was the mentorship, where was the guy to tell him you don’t do that, I’m just as guilty as anyone.

Final Thoughts: Final thoughts? Yeah, I have some thoughts about the interview after the fact, deal with it! There were a couple of extra questions that were more “in-character”, as in things that pertained to storylines, that I just did not feel worked with the other questions asked. But if you just HAVE TO KNOW what they were, I’m more than willing to fill you in.

For my end, maybe email interviews aren’t the best way to go. Not because this was bad, but it kind of hampers the follow-up questioning. Like, reading back over it now while editing, there were several instances where I wish I could have been able to delve deeper. But who’s to say you can’t do multiple interviews, right? Right. I will have to work on my social anxieties before I can tackle those, however. I’m SO bad at face-to-face interactions with people I’m not completely comfortable with (even with some people I actually calls friends, to be honest). But this isn’t about me and my quirks.

I hope that they can bring in a couple of old guys to be Biss’ uncles. They found out their nephew was running his own company and wanted in on the action!

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed that, as I do intend to do more interviews with Inspire Pro personnel and talent, and they may even be face to face and recorded and shit! Wouldn’t that just be grand? Or maybe in podcast form. I have no idea, but we shall see! Check in at some other point this week for the preview of Sunday’s RELENTLESS show.
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