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Best Coast Bias: Land Of Confusion

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Stardust doing an impersonation of this week's Main Event viewer
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's episodes like these that bring back warm fuzzy memories of Nat King Cole. Not because they were smooth, ahead of their time, or cruelly underrated by the masses, but because they seemed to be a good idea in theory but in reality they'd end up becoming a thinly held up shield that could only be the idea of a coked-out daughter.

Also?

Incomprehensible...that's what this was...incomprehensible...seemingly just because...

(Just imagine that was to the tune of "Unprofessional." If that doesn't ring a bell, curse your youth and use the damn Google.)

It's messed up that the only thing on the show that wasn't a recap or cheap shill that made sense was a battle between Ax and Rose. (Adam Rose won with the Party Foul, by the way.  With his hetero lifemate The Big Guy on the shelf it looks like Axel is going to be rolling solo dolo/treading water for the next few weeks.)  But what about the newly black hatted Dust Brothers, reeking of hand rubbing and mustache twirling and tying women to the railroad tracks and whathaveyou going up against Los Matadores in the two-segger main?

They didn't get booed until it was over and Stardust threw El Torito out of the ring for no good reason. You know, the El Torito who was going in the Royal Rumble toe-to-toe with (and temporarily succeeding over) Vince McMahon's new Lord Voldemort and the longest reigning WWE Champion of the modern era. Even that seemed to get cursory boos and not the fuller throat Seth Rollins got from the audience when he kicked off the program. More on that later.

Here's the thing: all the nefariousness and scummery that comes from jumping fan favorites who're injured and have just wrestled two matches against you is somewhat if not completely nullified when you go out literally the next night and show absolutely no trace of having flipped the alignment switch. Both Dust Brothers got individual "let's go _____" chants, and neither of them so much as thumbed an eye on their way to a showcase win. Honestly, the reason to harp upon this is that at this point on the 2014 tag team ladder it's entirely possible the Beverly Brothers are a bigger threat than the luchadores have been, so that should've been an even bigger imperative for Not Cody and Dustin to go out and really use their lengthy experience and size differential to go out there and get slimy with it.  Nope nada nyet none zero nada goose egg Confederate money beep flatline. You never got the sense they were ever in any trouble to the point where there wasn't even a double-team move out of the ostensible babyfaces, so it was a train that took too long to be the local when it would've been served perfectly fine by being the express.

Running neck and neck in the WTF Derby on the evening was Rob van Dam getting his first win over Seth Rollins in their seeming best-of-11 via countout.  What exacerbated this was that they were playing a fun game of goose and gander with Rollins dominating his older doppleganger early on in the match with RVD coming back in the second act to give back exactly what he got: armwork, kneedrops to the arm, throwing it into the post, and so on.  They even teased a countout with van Dam being unable to break the count and Rollins more than willing to take it after pushing him from the top rope into the barrier only to fall victim a bit later to RVD reversing an attempt and throwing him into the timekeeper's area.

It should be noted that these events are setting up matches and events on Smackdown, but ask yourself this: how's WWE been treating SmackDown lately?  What's been the last thing SmackDown did that you went out of your way to see?  When's been their last appointment TV moment?  When you get more entertainment out of a five-second fight than an hour-long show, well...you don't have to be Marvin Gaye to know what's going on.

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 91

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More Roode, less ripping off WWE
Screen Grab from ImpactWrestling.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday morning. Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

Is "blow my brains out" an acceptable answer?

I keed, I keed. The first thing I would do as the head of TNA would be to clean house in the front office. Everyone who has had a hand in the direction that company has gone would be given the heave-ho, and Vince Russo's contact information would be shredded, fed to dogs, and then by order of a federal judge, the poop would be burnt. I don't know the specifics of whom I'd replace those people with, but I would make sure that the culture would change completely. No more aping WWE, no more sweatshop-like treatment of the wrestlers, no more institutional misogyny.

Second, I would aggressively get involved in trying to keep the Spike TV contract. Hopefully, the house-clean in the front office would be enough of a sign of good faith to start over again. Finally, I would jettison Kurt Angle, Ken Anderson, D-Von Dudley, and anyone who was still playing any modicum of their character from WWE or any other established company. I would build around guys like Robert Roode, James Storm, Eric Young, Austin Aries, the Knockouts roster, and Magnus, among others. If a name comes up in free agency that makes sense to sign, I would bring that wrestler aboard, but I would not make the same mistakes that TNA did in the past, specifically when the ultra-hot Samoa Joe was sacrificed to the altar of Angle.

Would this plan work? I don't know. I wouldn't know until I would have the unrealistic chance of implementing it. But man, doesn't it sound better than what Dixie Carter and her band of happy morons have been doing for the last decade or so?

All three are fine answers from an actual, in-ring product standpoint. However, I would probably suggest you tackle them in ascending order in terms of storyline intensity. First order of business should be Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. PWG may have the best in-ring action, but the story implications are the lightest. Next on the list should be Absolute Intense Wrestling, and then finally, sink your teeth into the meaty narrative of Chikara.

I would blow my brains out.

Again, I keed, I keed. A wrestling hall of fame is tricky because unlike baseball or another sport, what metric is the best for induction? One can fashion a sporting hall of fame based on statistics, and the inductions would be reasonable. But then for wrestling, the only statistic that exists is drawing power, where the territory gets murkier and murkier as one progresses further down the timeline. It's easy to say that Andre the Giant was a draw because of how the territory system was structured, but how is WWE to be considered today? Those numbers don't even begin to take into account supporting casts, and whether the primary draw was propped up by hot midcard feuds or great foils in their own programs.

Furthermore, wrestling, unlike legitimate sport, is a business where the best possible talents may never get a shot because of politics or subjective analysis from biased bookers, producers, and money marks. Someone like Miguel Cabrera may not have gotten a chance as a wrestler due to body size, but in baseball, he forced himself to get into the lineup because the dude can rake.

Basically, Dave Meltzer and his WON Hall of Fame have a good idea on how to get people collated into one group of elite, even though the voting process ends up producing absolutely baffling results sometimes. For example, Kurt Angle getting into the Hall in the middle of last decade would've been perhaps the funniest joke ever told in terms of wrestling if it didn't really happen. Still, the induction process for any good hall should probably mirror or mimic Meltzer's.

But the criteria for induction? Outside of drawing, what criterion could I conceivably come up with? Match ratings are super-subjective; case-in-point, someone out there will make the argument that the greatest match in the history of The Streak was the Triple H match at WrestleMania XXVII, and I would rather watch three hours of post-2009 Great Khali matches than sit through that slogfest again. I think the criteria would have to be vested in the voters rather than in actual rules or guidelines. Basically, the voting pool would need to be diverse, both in opinion and in scene covered. The voters would also have to be vetted by yours truly and a few other people whom I trust. But creating a hall of fame is no easy task; I think that statement might be the most agreeable truth uttered in this whole answer.

Bad RAWs end up making me shake my head in disgust or boring me to tears, but the one that stands out the most was the episode where Beaver Cleavage threw down his gimmick on the air and "shot" on management to become "Chaz." I don't remember anything else about that episode, but Attitude Era RAWs tended to be really bad anyway outside of a few memorable moments with the biggest stars like Steve Austin. Still, the sheer excess of the "worked-shoot" mindset at the time dripped off that segment so badly that even though I was watching it by myself, I was embarrassed to be a wrestling fan.

When you say is gonna happen now? When's it exactly gonna be? See, I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone.

POWER RANKING SUIT, ASSEMBLE

  1. Brisket - Ranking a cut of beef this high outside of Texas might be anathema, but I go with what brought me to the dance, folks.
  2. Pork Shoulder - #butts
  3. Pork Country Ribs - You haven't lived until you've had country ribs BBQ style.
  4. Pork Tenderloin - Not as fatty as the shoulder, so it's not as tasty, but the coals are kind to the loin
  5. Chicken (whole) - Something about smoke brings out the best texture in chicken in addition to the flavor.
  6. Sausage - I could rank all the sausages individually, but then I'd be here for hours. In aggregate, the five hole is a good ranking.
  7. Beef Rib - This cut would rank a lot higher if it weren't for the insane fat content, but still a delicious cut of meat regardless. 
  8. Pork Sparerib - I know Memphis BBQ gourmands would chastise me, but for all the different kinds of pork I've grown a taste for in the last couple of years, I still don't like the spare rib.
INCOMPLETE: Pork Belly, Turkey, Most Other Meats
NOT BARBECUE: Burgers and Hot Dogs (I don't want to incur the wrath of Southern BBQ aficionados, so I'll label these as "grilled meats" or "cookout food."

Blowing my brains out.

I'm not kidding on this one.

I've only ever used the crockpot twice - once for beef and once for chicken. I'll give you the latter, since I used chicken for tacos. Take two breasts (or thighs if you're nasty) and season them with salt and pepper. Put them in the crockpot, then add one onion, one red bell pepper, five cloves of garlic, and a couple of jalapenos that you've diced yourself as well as a can of diced tomatoes. Season liberally with salt, pepper, cumin, and chili powder. Cook on low for eight hours.

Then get corn tortillas, and warm them up 30 seconds to a minute on either side. Get your favorite cheese, some sour cream, your sauce of choice (I prefer sriracha, but taco sauce, enchilada sauce, Cholula, or any other sauce of your choosing is also okay), and a couple of sprigs of cilantro, and build your tacos.

TRIO NUMBER ONE: THE FIRE FERRETS - Korra, Bolin, Mako: I can't break up a trio that's been together for three seasons, even if they've grown apart over the course of the series. Asami is the fourth member, who comes in for atomicos matches or even just for right now, when Korra is, well, uh, incapacitated.

TRIO NUMBER TWO: THE AANG/KITARA FAMILY - Tenzin, Bumi, Kya: Aang may not have been the best father, but he and Kitara birthed and raised three stout fighters. Tenzin is the world's foremost airbender at this point, and his little brother isn't a slouch either despite just getting his powers recently. Plus, he's a military man. Kya provides both healing support and her mother's waterbending prowess. This group has wisdom and power, and they'd be super formidable if they didn't bicker amongst themselves all the time.

TRIO NUMBER THREE: THE RED LOTUS - Zaheer, P'Li, Ghazan/Ming-Hua: This trio has the same problem as the first one does - one too many options to fit in a trios environment. However, the tossup between Ghazan and Ming-Hua is a bit harder to decide than putting Asami on her team in favor of either Mako or Bolin (because no one's replacing the Avatar, right?). No matter what the combination, this team would be the most powerful group across any timeline or any continent, but their hubris would end up being their collective downfall.

The Last Airbender universe has a lot of interesting combinations at its disposal. Even just limiting to Korra, I could have gone with the Metal Clan, the New Airbenders, Unalaq and his kids, or even thrown back to season one with Amon and two of his followers. Still, I think the three I picked above are the right trios to go with.

If all five titles are defended at the event - and the card looks like that will happen - then would that be enough of a draw? My guess is no. The idea of the NXT Championship being defended on the show was floated in a prior TweetBag question, and I think that idea is a start. However, titles should be the main focus of the entire show. If every match isn't a title contest, then the other matches should be for title opportunities. For example, if Brock Lesnar/John Cena is in the main event, then instead of running another Roman Reigns/Randy Orton match, why not float out a six-pack challenge for a shot at Hell in a Cell? Reigns, Orton, Seth Rollins, Big Show, Mark Henry, and Bray Wyatt could all compete. Or if Wyatt is bound to make Chris Jericho retire, toss in  Jack Swagger or Rusev. If the show is called Night of Champions, then the Championships should be the "gimmick" so to speak.

Sure thing!

Photo Credit: Tiff Petherbridge

Brie Bella makes her sister Nikki look like Meryl Streep in comparison, and yet Nikki herself is godawful.

Yes, actually, I'll be trying to make some front page driving news. WORKIN' ON DA NIGHT MOVES.

Actually, I'm gonna try to watch more college football this year. I feel so lost on Saturday afternoons when the meat of the games are going on, so I want to be more knowledgeable, especially since the evil empire of the NCAA is closer to being taken down than Roger Goodell's totalitarian mockery of a league is.

If any exist, I don't know about them, but holy crap, those things sound like the best ideas ever. Maybe I need to start one...

Full disclosure - I've never seen SummerSlam '89 in its entirety. However, assuming that the Brainbusters vs. the Hart Foundation is the best SummerSlam opener of all-time, then Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler in 2009 has to rank second, at least from the one's I've seen (again, haven't seen the Mysterio/Kurt Angle opener from '02). Ziggler was on my radar by that time, but this match was his first real standout contest. Of course, even in 2009, anyone could look good against Mysterio, who remains one of the most criminally and wrongly disparaged wrestlers in the last decade. But still, it was a great table-setter for the event. Too bad the rest of the show was a wet fart until the CM Punk/Jeff Hardy main event.

I can't say either way. Shamrock certainly was ahead of his time, a different breed of worker in a time when outrageous character was the coin of the realm. I think he would've fared better if he came up with Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, and [REDACTED], but I'm also not sure he would have even entertained WWE at the time. Assuming that you want him translated from the late '90s to the early '00s without changing his age rather than having the older Shamrock come through, he may have never left the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Remember, UFC was beginning its ascent into the mainstream at that time. Then again, a lot of that rise had to do with Shamrock bringing it to prominence as a fledgling entity in the late '90s. So many different variables are at play here. My brain just melted.

Well, first, Buddy would be the dog, because he wouldn't poop on a non-grassy surface, and because he humps legs like WHOA, he provides a legitimate threat against leaving the cage. As for the wrestlers, uh, I guess I'd put Damien Sandow against Fandango? I want two guys who can tell a story with their body language and who aren't afraid to get into absurd situations, but I also want two guys who can work as well. Sandow and the former Johnny Curtis fit that bill nicely.

I don't think a complex fix is needed. Brandon Stroud has been saying it for weeks and weeks in his Best and Worst reports, but the Wyatts just need to be able to enact change in the staid narrative in which they exist. The allure of the characters in NXT wasn't the fireflies or the singing or the smock, but in the fact that Bray Wyatt is able to lure people into his trap and fundamentally scar their souls. His character is not supposed to be about wins and losses, and yet WWE is booking him as such. If he can retire Jericho at Night of Champions, and then in his feuds going forward, he can make his opponents fundamentally change something about them, then he'll be back on the right track.

My favorite facepainted wrestler is Goldust. He's always been great in the ring when he's been motivated, and he always pops up in interesting stories here and there in WWE. My favorite facepaint design though is probably Road Warrior Animal's. The design is intricate to contrast the simplicity of Hawk's, and it made him look even grumpier than he came off in the ring.

I got three. First is Great Khali. He makes me sad when he comes out, not because he's a bad wrestler, but because he looks like he's in so much pain just walking. Second is R-Truth. He's dangerously close to RVD-territory of stale in the ring, and he only seems to be brought out when someone needs to beat up a black dude. Third is Kane. He's just embarrassing to watch in the ring anymore because  no one gives him anything on offense. What threat does he have left? Let him go be with his people, and by people, I mean libertarian politicians.

Since the Wyatt Family has risen to prominence in WWE, I believe Troy alumnus Bray Wyatt will will his Trojans to a Sun Belt. FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS (to the end zone).

Corgis.

The Miz by the slimmest of margins. He owned it a little more than Sandow, who looked a bit awkward coming to the ring in it on Monday. Then again, Miz is more of a natural at acting like a douchebag, so maybe he should be docked points...

I'm assuming the judges would be from the regular Chopped series, so give me Aaron Sanchez, Scott Conant, and Amanda Freitag. The contestants would be Randy Orton, Daniel Bryan, Jim Ross, and Naked Mideon. Orton would only be there to use red onions in his first dish and flip the fuck out when Conant bitched at him for using them. Now, if you want the judges to come from WWE as well, I'd go with Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, and Michael Cole, because they should match the douchiness and annoyance of the normal judges from the series.

The theme is The Simpsons in Sport. The episodes:

  1. Dead Putting Society
  2. Homer at the Bat
  3. Lisa on Ice
  4. The Homer They Fall
  5. Boy Meets Curl




Eh, I can't complain, although I always do.

Only if they had something in between them that wasn't part of the pizza topping. Then again, would that thing between them then become a pizza topping? IS EVERYTHING ON EARTH A PIZZA TOPPING? YOU JUST MADE MY BRAIN EXPLODE, YOU MONSTER.

I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art of Wrestling Ep. 213

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Cabana finishes his residency in Edinburgh this week
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Art of Wrestling
Episode: 213
Run Time: 1:16:05
Guest: Des Clarke (at 8:15), Noam Dar (30:00), Mark Dallas (45:21), Chris Brooker and Billy Kirkwood (1:00:30).

Summary: It’s Cabana’s last show from the 2014 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, following the same template as the previous episodes: standup comedian who’s also a big wrestling fan, slimmed down version of his traditional podcast with someone from the wrestling business, improv comedy bits with the guys from Whose Clothesline Is It Anyway?

Quote of the week:“ICW’s special because ICW sells not specific individuals. The company sells out before matches are announced. I’ve got friends kinda ribbing me a little bit, going, ‘Oh, you still doing the wrestling? You wrestling John Cena yet?’ … If I go, ‘Now look. Look at ICW. Watch these videos. See that documentary that was on? I’m part of that.’ And then folk have a different perception of it.” — Dar

Why you should listen: If you like hearing Cabana talk about his own nascent wrestling fandom, or early 1990s WWF nostalgia in general, you’re in luck. Clarke appears to be a generally funny guy who can get laughs outside his own standup bits. Dar and Dallas have some decent insights about the world of Insane Championship Wrestling; Dallas especially when discussing what it took to get the promotion off the ground. Since Cabana rarely talks to promoters, this is somewhat fresh territory for his show.

Why you should skip it: The Scottish accents are especially thick this week, so it’s going to take some work to catch everything. The interview with Dar only threatens to get into actual deep thought, it’s easy to notice how the live audience affects both men. They’re prone to wanting to elicit crowd reactions, and it dampens the chances for an in-depth interview. The improv bits at the end have really worn out their welcome after four weeks. Not that pro wrestling isn’t a ripe subject for mockery, it’s just not played well enough in this scenario to warrant praise.

Final thoughts: If you’re a completist, have a listen. If not, wait until next week when Cabana gets back to normal. Dar and Dallas have interesting stories that certainly could make for a great Art of Wrestling episode, but this is not the format for that to work best. Still, Cabana deserves credit for putting together a live show that still works in podcast form. It’s not what we’ve come to expect from Art of Wrestling over 200-plus episodes, but neither does it pretend to be.

Inspire Pro's Relentless Preview

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Graphics via InspirePro.com
Have you made your travel arrangements for Sunday, August 31? You need to because Inspire Pro Wrestling’s RELENTLESS is going to be yet another can’t-miss event. There’s a reason they say “All Killer, No Filler,” because there won’t be a single match on this card that you’ll be able to take a piss break during. Bo-Lieve that! (Man, I’m sad now. WWE could have totally replaced Seth Rollins in The Shield after the backstabbing with Bo Dallas. If anyone needed a pick-me-up after that, it was Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns, but that’s a story for another time.)

Check out what they have in store for us lucky fans:

Number One Contender’s Match: “Dirty” Andy Dalton vs. Jax Dane

This is our opening match, as Inspire Pro always tries to kick off their shows with something that will set the tone for the rest of the evening. Luckily, Andy Dalton is there to needle the fans. It’s incredibly hard to draw heel heat on the independent wrestling scene, but Dalton makes it look easy. He’s just so easy to hate.

The match is a Number One Contenders match for the Inspire Pro Championship, and these are two seemingly random people to be competing for it. The last time Dalton was in singles action, he was pushing Takaaki Watanabe to the limit before losing to the New Japan wrestler. His only real win in Inspire Pro was retiring JT LaMotta (who has since joined up with Dalton and his buddy Jordan Jensen).

And his opponent, Jax Dane, is a virtual unknown to me. I don’t recall seeing him wrestle (at the last Branded Outlaw show, he just did a post-match run-in), so I have no idea if he’s good or not. But on the Inspire Pro website, in an interview with Max Meehan, it was said that the NWA chose Dane for the match (you can read more behind the decision here). So, that’s your reasoning for Dane’s inclusion, but Dalton? I dunno, doesn’t seem to make sense.

I’m not against the decision, don’t get me wrong. It just seems other people on the roster would have a stronger claim to be in position for a Title shot, you know? As it is, I am not opposed to Dalton winning and then taking the Title off of Mike Dell’s waist. Dell is simply a bore and, to me, hasn’t impressed as the Inspire Pro Champion. I understand him being the inaugural Champ, but he just hasn’t produced to my liking (and it’s all about what I like).

If Dalton were to win the title, it would be someone people would want to see lose every time out, and when he didn’t we would be livid, but immediately plunk down our money to see the next show, hoping he would lose it then. That’s provided he is given compelling challengers, of which there is not a shortage of. People like Ricky Starks, Jojo Bravo, Scot Summers, Thomas Shire, Matthew Palmer, and a plethora of others would definitely have the crowd behind them.

So, I’m going with Dalton to win, and it just may not be his only match of the night.

Prediction:Andy Dalton

Street Fight: “That Guy” Scotty Santiago vs. “Chi-Town’s Finest” Mr. B

POLITICS! I have no earthly idea what politics Mr. B continues to scream about, but I’m sure they’ll be a factor in him losing again. It’s kind of a tricky storyline to play. I guess his claims are he’s being held down even though he’s on every other show. And if he’s claiming he’s being jobbed out, well, that kind of ruins the illusion of wrestling. Just some stories don’t need to be told.

But these two have had a bit of a thing going back a few months, with Santiago sneaking out a win at CLASH AT THE BASH. Being as this is a Street Fight, the action is going to spill everywhere. But will “That Guy” be able to do it again or will Mr. B overcome the politics and bash Santiago’s head in?

I’m going with the scrappy underdog to keep B unhappy about his station in life (or whatever he’s mad about).

Prediction:Scotty Santiago

The Hollywood Knives (Stevo Reno and Bradley Axel Dawson) vs. The Orphans (Zac and; DG Taylor)

The Hollywood Knives have not been defeated since their debut, but it hasn’t been without drama. In fact, it’s rife with drama! Rife, I say! In each and every contest, Bradley Axel Dawson has inexplicably been rendered unconscious for the duration of the match, only reviving after Stevo Reno has picked up the victory for the team (at which point he delightfully celebrates).

At last months show, “NO TURNING BACK,” Reno was not particularly thrilled with what unfolded, but nothing came of it. He simply walked to the back with a look of frustration on his face. This month their opponents are the debuting team of Zach and DG Taylor, the Orphans. Their in-ring debut, I should say, as they have made a slight impact the last couple of months, first helping Jeff Gant take out Morbidus and Gregory James and then last month sandwiching Kyle Hawk’s head between two chairs.

If they are aligned with Gant, the first attack makes sense. Taking out Kyle Hawk? A little more random. And if the Hollywood Knives have the same issues as they’ve been having, things could get out of hand, with these two vicious newcomers. ‘Cause, eventually they’re going to lose, right? At some point, Reno just won't be able to overcome the odds.

I’m not quite so sure it’s going to happen this time. I think it needs to happen when something bigger is at stake. And hopefully that something are Tag Team Titles, which are not a thing that has even been casually mentioned by Inspire Pro (to my knowledge), although I wish I had asked Biss when I interviewed him. (Be better prepared next time, Michael!) There have been quite a few tag teams compete with the company since it’s inception, so it would be nice to see the people who choose to compete as a team be rewarded, and not just have random tag matches each month with nothing at stake. So far, there aren’t really any stories going on, as the Hollywood Knives are really the only featured tag team and their strife is all internal.

So, hopefully Reno continues to find success as an one-man tag team (essentially) and they can fight their way all the way to some gold, although for their issues to come to a head. It’ll be like the Mega Powers exploding. Only not.

Prediction:The Hollywood Knives

“Absolute” Ricky Starks vs. Gary Jay

When Inspire Pro first started, Ricky Starks was the star of those first few months. He got the most mic time, got to be vicious in the ring, and basically was able to demonstrate exactly how good he could potentially be. Then he lost to Scot Summers at “CLASH AT THE BASH.” There is definitely no shame in losing to Summers, not in the least, it’s just put him in no-man’s land with nothing to do.

But he’s still Ricky Starks and I still hope Inspire Pro has big things planned for him. This month he gets Gary Jay, who is making only his second appearance. The only thing for certain about this match is that Starks will have a really red chest courtesy of Jay’s hellacious chops. There really isn’t much at stake in this match, as they have no existing feud, but it could honestly steal the show (although that could be said of most matches in this company).

As it is, Jay is the guest star and Starks needs to get back to his winning ways and becoming a viable challenger for the Inspire Pro Championship. I think that happens Sunday.

Prediction:Ricky Starks

“The Bionic Beast” Franco D’Angelo vs. Jeff Gant

In what I have seen of Jeff Gant’s career, he has been a bit of a giant killer. He isn’t afraid of challenging guys much bigger than him. Truth be told, that’s most everyone (including the women) as Gant is a small man. But he never backs down and I will always respect his willingness to get the utter shit kicked out of him.

I suspect that will happen here as well, even though I’m almost completely positive that Franco D’Angelo won’t take him seriously to start the match. But after a few flash pins and the like, it’ll awaken the Bionic Beast inside Franco and he will MURDER.DEATH.KILL. Gant.

The equalizer, however, could be The Orphans, if they are in fact in league with Gant. Matthew Palmer could neutralize them if he is there, although if they come packing chairs, he won’t be of much use. Still, I see Gant putting up a valiant fight, but coming up short.

Prediction:Franco D'Angelo

World Class Championship: “King of the Underground” Scot Summers (c) vs. “The American Psycho” Lance Hoyt

The bigger question is, will Lance Hoyt murder the resident ring announcer, Brandon Stroud? My guess is no, although maybe they’re going to start doing Chikara-esque “killings?” Doubtful, but you never know. I’m fairly certain there is a plan in place and I hope that plan is Stroud becoming a manager for someone to stand up to Hoyt. Have him continue to throw guy after guy at Hoyt until the power of having a legion of titans to do his bidding at his fingertips corrupts him and he sets his sights on conquering Hulkamania or whatever.

But does that interaction happen with this match or earlier? Someone is going to have to come out and become Brandon’s Champion, as if it were a trial by combat. If it happens here, that just makes it Summers, right? I dunno, I’m hoping for someone new to have Stroud’s back and just set something up for the future.

That confrontation won’t be the only thing to keep an eye on, as Greg Symonds will surely poke his nose into the match (or have his bodyguard Gabe Roach get involved). As the Chairman of Inspire Pro proved last month, he isn’t above getting his hands dirty, as he helped Roach pick up a win over Thomas Shire, then put the boots to him.

I don’t see how a company that made Jordan Jensen go to sensitivity training and parted ways with Sammy Guevara can continue to allow Symonds to get physically involved in matches. Eventually, Symonds is going to have to turn his business suit in for a pair of trucks, otherwise what’s the point of all this?

As for the match itself, if it’s allowed to get very far, will be a bruiser. Two big, strong guys just way-laying each other. Should be a lot of fun. I don’t see a real winner coming out of this (besides us fans), with Symonds and/or Roach getting involved, but it still should be good.

Prediction:Scot Summers by DQ

“The Heaviest Sumo in the Land” Jojo Bravo vs. Jordan Jensen

Finally, Jojo Bravo will get his hands on Jordan Jensen. It’s been a long time coming. The very first show, in fact. And, secretly, Bravo has been one of, if not the, best wrestlers in the company. He has the best music and is just too darn likable. So, if this is the ultimate blow-off of their story, he has to win. I’m hoping that happens and then Dalton wins the Inspire Pro Title and then Bravo transitions into a feud with Dalton (after a little detour match with Davey Vega if/when he returns to Inspire Pro, since he nearly kicked Jojo’s head off).

If not that, then perhaps the vacant J-Crown? Just give Bravo something!

Prediction:Jojo Bravo

NWA Women’s Championship; Barbi Hayden © vs. Athena

One of these times, we will see a title change. Not sure if this will be the time or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. Barbi has been a fighting Champion and has already headlined two Inspire Pro shows. I was actually a little surprised that another NWA Women’s Championship was booked on a non-XX show, but I’m not disappointed.

It’s because the match is not on an XX-Division show that I don’t think we’ll see a Title change. Although I was hoping after the unfortunate accident that took Ray Rowe out of action, that they would move this match to the main event. I suppose that’s still possible, but doubtful. But these are two of the best ladies in the business and they’ve put on good shows against each other in other promotions, so it will be no different this time.

I suppose we’ll be waiting until the next XX show to get further with the Inspire Pro Women’s Championship Tournament (although, if they are going to regularly use the NWA belt, do they even need their own?). I’m curious to see what Hayden’s stance on that is? She wasn’t apart of the tourney at all, and she has the NWA belt and has been headlining, but you would think she wouldn’t say no to another belt.

Prediction:Barbi Hayden

Inspire Pro Championship: “One Man” Mike Dell vs. ?????

Sigh. Mike Dell. Well, we are sadly missing Ray Rowe for this show (and many more to come) thanks to an unfortunate motorcycle accident. So, instead Dell has been allowed to choose his opponent. And according to Inspire Pro it IS someone from the roster, so it won’t be some random outsider, although, could their definition of “roster” mean anyone who has competed on a prior show?

In all honesty, the only person who makes absolute sense to take Rowe’s spot is the man who last defeated him - Robert Evans. I’m not sure what Dell’s reasoning would be to pick him, though. Of course, he could go with whomever wins the Dalton-Dane match in the opener, ‘cause that seems like the sort of thing Dell would do, challenge someone who’s already had a match (and probably a hard one at that).

But if not that option, perhaps a friend? I believe James Claxton is the only real friend that we know of, although Carson has been friendly. But if he picks Carson, you just know Matthew Palmer would be less than pleased, since he defeated Carson recently and narrowly lost to Rowe when Ray won the Number One Contendership.

Really, the possibilities, while not endless, are vast. He could go with Jiggle-O James, for all we know. I doubt he goes with Keith Lee though. That man would eat Dell alive.

I’m kind of hoping he goes the Dalton route and loses. Or picks someone else he thinks he can beat and loses. Of course, I’m saying all this as if Dell were a chickenshit heel who would only want a match where he is almost assured a victory. That’s not the case at all. So, he’ll likely pick a friend or someone who has earned or deserves it from the shows.

Whichever way it goes, I’m sure Dell will retain. And that’s fine, just get him into a story!

Prediction:Mike Dell

But that’s the show and it’s going to be fantastic, like always. So, hop online and go to InspireProWrestling.com and order your tickets or you can purchase them at the door. They open at 5:30pm (show starts at 6:00pm) at the Marchesa Hall and Theatre in Austin, TX.

It’ll be the best $12 you spend all month, trust me.

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, September 1

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Hail to the workers!
Photo via Mark's Dispoal
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. The American Workforce (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Today is Labor Day, which means a celebration of the working men and women in the United States of America, the people who have made this country great. People have bled, sweat, and cried for the greater good of this country, and only relatively recently have advances been made to protect the working man. Mass unionization and the formation of OSHA only happened within the last 150 years, which might seem like a long time especially in the history of the US, but the fact that job "creators" had to be told that budgeting human lives into a job as recently as any point in the last century is appalling. Do your part by voting for pro-labor candidates, supporting a $15-at-least minimum wage, and by voting for more regulation that keeps a leash on super rich corporations that would rather ship jobs to the fucking Third World instead of paying a fair wage.

Oh, and whatever anyone tells you, today is not another holiday to propagate the fetishization of the military. Honor the troops on Memorial Day.

2. Mo'Ne Davis (Last Week: 1) - As Davis leaves the rankings, she'll never really relinquish her claim as "Best in the World." Hopefully, some enterprising Philadelphia high school will be able to find a spot for her on its rotation, and she can continue breaking faces hopefully all the way up to the majors.

3. Ricochet (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Ricochet continued his year of ownage by winning the Battle of Los Angeles tournament this weekend. His biggest feat was overcoming me predicting him to win. It seems my jinxing tendencies are going into remission.

4. Willie Mack (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Mack made his final goodbye to the Reseda crowd Night Three of BOLA, making his dispatch to that GAP down on Orlando official. He might not be the biggest name new hire, but the dude may have the highest upside.

5. AJ Lee (Last Week: 6) - Lee's plan of setting Tumblr on fire so far is working like a charm.

6. Paige (Last Week: 8) - Of course, Paige may not seem like she's a willing accomplice to the action, but trust me, she is totally going along with Lee's plan. Then again, if Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins start answering ship requests, Tumblr will take down the whole Internet in its incendiary implosion.

7. Mark Henry (Last Week: 4) - Henry is not ready to share the CHOCOLATE HOSSDOM completely with Mack just yet, so expect them to tag together and wreck shit.

8. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 9) - Bryan will be going under the knife for Tommy John surgery soon, so expect him to have a bit more zip on his changeup and for an extra 2-4 mph to get added to his fastball upon his return. I have no idea how that will help his wrestling though.

9. Potato Leek Soup (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY -Yes, I made soup in the waning days of summer, but when soup is good, it's evergreen.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She celebrated Labor Day by kicking a chicken right onto the grill. Her koppo kicks can still debone and defeather a chicken just like they could in 2007.

Instant Feedback: Code(d Language) Breaker

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Chris Jericho's scarf doesn't make him more or less manly or "straight"
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Triple H mocked Chris Jericho for his scarf in the opening segment of RAW. Jericho fired back by remarking on the color of his tie being pink. The cognitive dissonance of this exchange existing on a show where Michael Sam was given an open invitation to come onto RAW and address his lack of employment opportunities is as wide as the Pacific Ocean and twice as deep. Sure, that exchange was a throwaway in the middle of a build towards something bigger that was meant to pop the crowd, but the implications, the coded language used by both performers, speaks to an insidious undercurrent that exists in "bro" culture even today.

Maybe I might have had less of a problem if Trips had come out and said that Jericho dressed like a homosexual or Jericho saying only girls wear pink. At least they would have worn their feelings on their sleeves. Fuck, they might have well just come out and advertised their preconceived notions about what manly men wear. If you want to be accepted, you need to dress a certain way. In the face of that segment, the intolerance of wardrobe choices that aren't acceptable, JBL, Michael Cole, and Jerry Lawler stumping for Sam to be employed and feigning this outrage felt so hollow.

The MO for Sam not latching onto a NFL team right now is that he underperformed. The 2013 Southeastern Conference Defensive Player of the Year began the offseason as a third-round NFL draft projection, but then he came out of the closet. His stock sank like a stone slowly but surely to the point where he was drafted in the seventh and final round of the actual draft process. He had a terrible combine, sure, but his training camp and preseason performances showed promise.

However, his homosexuality was too different for the NFL culture, and not even the locker room one at that. His teammates, both at Missouri and on the St. Louis Rams, were in full support of him. But it was the fans and especially the media and cowards in the front offices who bought into this whole "distraction" nonsense. No one will come out and say the reason why he's so radioactive right now is because of his open sexuality, but the writing is on the proverbial wall.

But Vince McMahon has never met a nuclear isotope he didn't like, so he's extended the microphone to Sam next week on RAW. I doubt he'll take it, and furthermore, I almost guarantee that if WWE isn't too enamored with the idea of Damien Sandow as Miz's stunt double that he'll fill the role should Sam decline. To WWE's credit, everyone outside of the narrative seems to be super-supportive of and progressive towards the plight of homosexuals in America. The company's public support of Darren Young and Pat Patterson is encouraging, but much in the same way that Trips and Jericho traded insinuations that their respective wardrobes made them gay or feminine, and thus inferior, WWE's macho bullshit narrative within the show makes their support of gay performers seem all the more dubious.

Seriously, supporting Young, Patterson, and now Sam publicly is great, but when it comes at the expense of trading homophobic barbs for the adoration of the morally backwards fans who haven't met a gay joke they didn't like, then the disconnect looms far too largely. It's like WWE is opening up the door for queer fans to come right in but as soon as they step into the door, they're greeted with stuff like "lol pink ties and scarves of any color are gay," or John Cena making gendered insults towards various wrestlers, or even worse, celebrating someone like The Rock whose entire career has been built upon homophobia and transphobia. Where does the company think those fans are going to go once they're greeted with that wave of bullshit? Certainly not to their assigned seats or on their couches with the channel tuned to USA Network.

I wish that people within WWE would take a look at the expanse of fans that is underserved by the sporting and sports entertainment industry, realize that it controls its own output, and can make the show entirely welcoming for everyone no matter the demographic. Some of my most interesting and friendliest contacts and friends online fit those demographics, and I love interacting with them about wrestling, WWE or otherwise, for them to be pushed away. Then I wouldn't have to cringe whenever Cool Dad and Wolf Dick trade insults with each other like grade schoolers. More importantly, I wouldn't have to audibly groan when I see that WWE has opened the floor to someone like Sam and wonder aloud how badly the company is going to fuck his appearance up.

I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show EP. 146

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Steve Austin, one of the original Paul Heyman Guys, had the man on his show
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed
Episode: 146
Run Time: 1:43:18
Guest: Paul Heyman

Summary: After some brief scene-setting, Austin sits down with the one behind the one in 21-1. Before long they’re breaking down Heyman’s earliest days in the business, as a ringside photographer, and how he used that as way to work himself in behind the scenes. Of course there’s talk about ECW, but it’s more about the promotion’s place in the context of wrestling history than a blow-by-blow review of those days. The guys end by taking a look at Brock Lesnar’s SummerSlam obliteration of John Cena and where the story goes from here.

Quote of the week:“John Cena has to violate his own code of hustle, loyalty and respect. When does fighting evil require you to become evil to defeat evil? And that’s where John Cena’s character has to go. And how he comes out on the other side, to me, is the most fascinating aspect of it.”

Why you should listen: Heyman’s not just at the top of his game right now, he has an incredible legacy of involvement in pro wrestling dating back to his teenage years wielding a Nikon and Minolta as a means of buddying up to Vince McMahon Sr. It’s no surprise he’s a great storyteller, and for a guy who so clearly buys his own hype, Heyman is refreshingly candid about his experiences and evolution.

Why you should skip it: Perhaps you have little interest in the differences between driving and parking in Los Angeles versus New York. If you’re not a Heyman guy, you might be turned off by his personality in general. He’s clearly not fully in character here, but if the advocate rubs you the wrong way on Monday nights, it’s not a stretch to suggest you’ll have some of the same reaction. He’s an unabashedly brash personality, it might be impossible for him to demonstrate humility for more than a few fleeting moments.

Final thoughts: The stuff about Cena near the end is essential listening for anyone who wants to understand wrestling narrative on a deeper level. Heck, WWE could just lift the audio from this segment, replay it on Raw for the next three weeks and watch the buyrate skyrocket. I want to watch the match right now after listening to the passion and intrigue in Heyman’s voice. Which is to say nothing about the rest of the episode, which also is great. Sorry for folks who don’t have much time this week, but you’re going to have to check out Heyman in addition to Tony Schiavone on Wednesday’s Ross Report. Maybe Cheap Heat will be a dud.

Best Coast Bias: Subtitles And Main Characters

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Portent or aberration?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
When it was announced that NXT would be following up the critically acclaimed and wildly popular NXT Takeover with another Network Special come September known as NXT Takeover, the smell of repetition birthed a vacuum.  Sequel subtitles flew across the Internet in mock, jest, and slight allusion to the gap created.

The former two specials had sent out clear messages by their titles: ArRIVAL had done just that to a large segment of the audience previously clueless of the greatness that came out of Full Sail, delivered a MOTY candidate, and birthed the title reign of everyone's favorite high-flying Brit. Takeover, in addition to highlighting the NXT alumnae that were slowly creeping up towards the main event strata, put on a concluding trifecta of matches that could hold their own against any triumvirate that any big-time WWE PPV had put on in the preceding year or two.

But if Takeover II needs a theme heading in, no matter how unofficial?   This episode may've provided it in spades: Adrian Neville v. the World.

Fresh off the standing O the new GM William Regal received upon taking over the stewardship, Neville agreed to face every man who'd interrupted him (Tyson Kidd, Tyler Breeze and Sami Zayn) in a fourway for the Special, with the white hats and the black hats main eventing in a tag set up by Regal backstage after acquiescing to the Champion's "bring 'em on" edict.  There's an old edict that runs through certain industries that states one shouldn't get high off their own supply, and putting one's own back to the wall in the type of multi-man match that forfeits the Championship advantage and makes it so that you literally have to beat anybody lest anyone else beats anyone else and snatches up your pride and joy in the process seems to indicate the injection of some Albuquerque blue into the veins of the Man That Gravity Forgot.  It'd be even further highlighted by how he and Zayn lost, but we'll get there when we get there.

Things were going so well between both teams that you knew it wasn't a matter of if but when the rifts happened, and when they did it made up the conclusion.  Before that, however, was an unsurprisingly good-but-not-quite tag with the white hats getting off to a hot start with quick tags and the always visually arresting Neville corkscrew moonsault off of Zayn on all fours sending Team TyTy reeling.  However, a quick counter gamengiri from Kidd and an apron superkick cheapshot from Breeze would put things back on their side of the ledger and leave the NXT Champion playing Morton for most of the rest of the proceedings until he could bring in arguably NXT's most popular star.  Zayn cleared house with Michinoku Drivers (shoutout to Brennan for the proper call, BTW) and Exploders into the corner so it seemed good was going to beat evil.  However, when Zayn uncorked the Helluva Kick Breeze dodged it and Adrian didn't.

Tyson being Tyson saw this as a grand opportunity to blind tag in, shove Breeze into Zayn's Blue Thunder, and then pin Neville after clearing the ring of Sami post-powerbomb.   The great unspoken undercurrent as Kidd celebrated on the ropes was that by stumping for the quadrangle of doom, this was exactly the sort of thing Neville was putting himself right in the path of happening--not just losing, but somebody else profiting off of the work of another one of the three challengers.

And suddenly Tyson Kidd got a Helluva Kick of his own, and then the frame shifted around the picture.  The only man standing was Sami Zayn, and everybody immediately noted at the announce table that this wasn't part of the usual emotional C.V. of the president of the El Generico Fan Club.  Not only that, but something had him transfixed--the Big X.  Slowly, he would grab it and hold it for the first time all year.  For the first time since he'd seemingly beaten Bo Dallas only to have the old GM nullify it last year.  The thing Tyler Breeze had gotten a shot at before him due to a (n inadvertant?) double forearm to the theme park.  The thing Tyson got and failed to capture twice.  His entire raison d'etre right in the palm of his hands, driving him to his knees, and with the bodies of everyone else that would stop him splayed out around the canvas they fired up the second-best cover of We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together and faded to black.  Power corrupts and titles seem to change the men that tend to hold them, but...this is Sami Zayn.  It couldn't happen to him...could it?

What that is is known to industry types as a cliffhanger.  What happened between Bayley and Sasha Banks seemed to hint more at resolution.  While not as good as their match previously in August this was another stellar effort between old rivals, and the matches served different purposes.  The previous showed a 50/50 split won by counter-wrestling, whereas this was more along the lines of the familiar Stamford trope of "dominating heel walks into finisher" in maybe 40% of the time the more feted outing got.  But when Bayley told Renee she was following the model of the "hang in there!" poster kitty to realize a childhood dream, it brought out the Flair of NXT.

Charlotte went out of her way to try to shut up the crowd, and to note Bayley was too nice and was going to embarrass herself going for the belt come ANvTW on the 11th.  In response Bayley drew two gasps from the crowd for redirecting the Champion's attention her way and confessing she didn't even want a hug from Charlotte but rather.  Bay being Bay she still wanted a handshake that wasn't coming, but again the character development by leaps and bounds for her to even get to that point is just another in a series of hints that state that for the third straight Special it may very well be the Women's Championship match that steals the show.

The rest of the show wasn't much; another couple of dudes getting destroyed by the Ascension, Marcus Louis accepting the hair v. hair match on Sylvester Lefort's behalf despite the latter's complaints  and Bull Dempsey laying out Angelo Dawkins for the umpteenth time.  There was nothing there to suggest alignment changes or overarcing character development.  But putting those things on the table in two of the three title matches suddenly makes the Special just that little bit moreso when the day comes.

Trios! Trios As Far As the Eye Can See!

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Lee and Steel will comprise a trio with Jolly Roger
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
All trios announced via @CHIKARAPro

When last I left you guys with the King of Trios updates, the very Canadian trio of 3Peck0 and Sidney Bakabella's cantankerous flagship trio the Devastation Corporation had just been announced. Since then, the field has doubled in size. The Flood washed ashore with some new entrants into the field, the titleholders within the company banded together, and not one, but two women have made their entry into the fray as part of respective trios. The overall roster of trios is starting to come together, and from where I sit, that roster looks pretty good.

The second team from The Flood is the first one of this batch to be announced. 17, The Shard, and Jigsaw comprise the Gekido. The group has been thinned substantially since its debut in 2012, and even current member Jigsaw is on tenuous terms with 17 and Flood leadership on the whole. At a recent Wrestling Is Fun! show, Jig and 17 had a public altercation following a match against Knight Eye for the Pirate Guy. Chikara's prodigal son still seems to be on good enough terms with his new group to team with them come Trios time, but their pairing will be one to watch. However, if a falling out happens to occur sometime during the weekend, no more rogue ants are left to refill the ranks.

The next team up is the appropriately named Golden Trio, featuring the Grand Champion Icarus and Los Campeones de Parejas, the Throwbacks. On one hand, this team makes infinite amounts of sense. The gold-holders of the company would have every reason to band together and defend the name against invaders. On the other, I was secretly hoping for Icarus to reform Team FIST in the fight against The Flood. I know Chuck Taylor as a tecnico seems anathema to many, but no one said he had to be a total good guy. He just had to be "better" than The Flood, which isn't that hard to do. Additionally, a grand homecoming for Sugar Dunkerton as a third for Dasher Hatfield and Mark "Mr. Touchdown" Angelosetti would've been aces as well. Hatfield and Dunkerton had an impromptu social media reunion at Beyond Wrestling's Battle of New England Sunday. Regardless, I can't throw too much shade on this trio.

The third trio announced since last update is another from The Flood, and it's another mashup of sorts. The BDK looked to be a strong trio to enter the tournament until Tursas met the business end of the Estonian Thunder Frog's (pbuh) hammer. Dr. Cube looked like he had a prospective team backing him with his minions Haack and Slaash. However, necessity being the mother of invention, Cube decided to leave the newbs at home and fill the Finnish sea demon-sized void in the BDK's ranks to form a lethally formidable team in its own right. Cube will join Tursas' bug-faced relative Nøkken and 2010 King of Trios co-Champion Ares in a trio aptly named BDK3.

The next trio has made more of a name for itself in Wrestling Is Fun! rather than the main Chikara roster, but Knight Eye for the Pirate Guy as a full trio is notable for the first woman entered in the tournament this year. Lance Steel and Jolly Roger will go into battle with Princess Kimber Lee by their side. Lee, whose romantic hold has caused Steel to do some questionable things that have been at the detriment of Roger at times, will be making her Chikara debut, and not soon enough. Over the last two years, she's become one of the premiere performers on the independent scene, and if I have to place a demographic label on her, she's become the worthiest inheritor of Sara del Rey's lofty mantel. Of all the announced trios so far, this one is the one I'm most excited to see make a deep run.

The next announced team features another woman making her Chikara debut. Thunderkitty will join the team of Old Fashioned, featuring the world's sweetest man Jervis Cottonbelly and the preternatural pugilist of Parma* himself, Marion Fontaine. The team will be repping the Extravaganza of Wrestling Exhibitions in the tournament this year, but regardless of their affiliations with any professional wrestling organization, this team fits in both Trios and Chikara like a glove.

Finally, the most recent trio announced for the fray is yet another envoy from the nefarious Flood. Sinn Bodhi was around for King of Trios '11 as the third member of The Batiri, but this time, he has two different minions. His Odditorium of Qefka the Quiet and Oliver Grimsley will back him up this time around.

The above five squads will join the following trios already announced for the weekend of September 19-21: The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Mikey, Johnny), the Spectral Envoy (UltraMantis Black, Frightmare, Hallowicked), Team UK (Mark Andrews and Pete and Damian Dunne), The Colony (Fire Ant, Silver Ant, Worker Ant), the Devastation Corporation (Blaster McMassive, Max Smashmaster, Flex Rumblecrunch), and 3Peck0 (Archibald Peck, Scott Parker, Shane Matthews). Eleven teams have been announced with five more to go until the entire field has been revealed. I don't know about you, but I'm through the roof on the announcements so far. And as a bonus, TWB-approved writer Tom Breihan is back scribing about pro graps at VICE Sports (whose editor-in-chief is Friend of the Blog Tomas Rios), and his first piece back is a comprehensive recap of Chikara's lost year. I highly recommend giving it a read.

* - I don't know if Fontaine is from Parma or not, but it was the first Ohio locale that fit in with the alliterative scheme.

Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

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BO-lieve it or not, not even Dallas could save Smackdown
Photo Credit: WWE.com
This show is trying to kill me, with its two weeks in a row of unrelenting repetitive tedium. My notes contain the phrase “Why is this my life?” several times. When even I can't get anything out of Smackdown, you know things are bad. Are we in a fight, Smackdown? You'd tell me if we were, right? Oh god, just tell me what I did so I can fix it! * sobs forever * Until Smackdown and I work out our issues, I should probably just re-title this as Smackdown: Friendship is For Suckers. There were SOME silver linings, but for the most part...yeesh.

Worst Friend—Roman Reigns
Oh sure, Roman Reigns seemed to get along well with Big Show and Mark Henry during their match against the Wyatt Family, but let's not fool ourselves; he'll probably have forgotten all about them next week, only to suddenly vow revenge after they've been decimated. I'm on to you, Reigns! Maybe under normal circumstances I'd say that the continued exemplary friendship examples set by Show and Henry, as well as the Wyatts, might have inspired Reigns to be a better friend. However, my optimism has been so thoroughly trampled into the dirt that I dare not get my friendship hopes up.

Silver Lining: The three-on-three match was actually pretty fun and I got what enjoyment I could out of it. Also, Show, Henry, and Reigns had colour-coordinated outfits, which I appreciated.

Worst Friend—JBL
Seth Rollins and Rob van Dam had a match to which I admittedly paid very little attention, but JBL's yammering hammered through my ennui in most annoying fashion. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, he expressed a wish for a rubber match between Rollins and van Dam, proving himself to be nobody's friend. No one wants to see that, JBL. You're the worst.

Worst Friend—Whoever is Writing For/Booking the Divas' Division
I really should have known better. Paige and Emma had a match and I was SO EXCITED...and then it was over in about a minute. Of course it was. Because if any two women on the roster are incapable of having a lengthy and engaging match it's DEFINITELY Paige and Emma, right? Fuck off.

Silver lining: There was no distraction during the match (mostly because there wasn't time for one) and it looked like Paige and AJ Lee have FINALLY progressed to Step Two of their feud, with Paige not even feigning friendship anymore while Lee is still maintaining her delusion and, as is her wont, cranking it up to 11. If this story was at all competently written, it would be amazing. Paige comes on the scene playing the naive youngling, only to viciously overthrow Lee while still protesting that she really admires her. However, when Paige finally abandons pretence because she doesn't need it anymore, Lee reveals that SHE bought into the story wholesale—and she's not letting go, gradually intensifying her efforts at “friendship.” Who's the hero and who's the villain anymore? Is Lee faking her obsession? WE JUST DON'T KNOW! But no, instead we get “lol Paige is crazy lol AJ is crazy lol Emma is a weirdo who loves dancing lol bitches be crazy lolololololol” Ugh.

Worst Friend—Bo Dallas
Yes, you read that right. Bo Dallas, usually a force for all that is good in the world, is listed as Worst Friend. During Jack Swagger's match against Rusev, Dallas first attempted to throw in the towel on Swagger's behalf (hiding himself behind the ring apron afterwards) and then tripped him up, causing the Real American to tap out. Afterwards, Dallas once again taunted Swagger about failing his country. This was such a gross misunderstanding of Dallas' character and his particular brand of villainy that I'm completely baffled. Bo Dallas is not sneaky or overtly mean. He is, in fact, hilariously open about all of his actions and his mean streak only comes out when just Bo-lieving isn't enough to win a match (which is all the time because he is a sham as an inspirational speaker because this character is AMAZING and, for the love of everything, PLEASE DO NOT RUIN HIM).

There was an easy way to have him cost Swagger the match while keeping Dallas' character intact: Feeling sorry for Swagger due to Zeb Colter's continued absence, Dallas could insist on becoming the new manager for the Real American. Being overzealous and over-cautious about Swagger's health would cause him to preemptively throw in the towel. Remorse for what he's done could then prompt a ton of over-apologizing, thereby distracting Swagger and costing him the match. Afterwards, Dallas could still chide his new friend for just not Bo-lieving hard enough. Simple, effective, and way more entertaining than “suddenly Bo Dallas tries to sabotage Jack Swagger for no reason.”

Silver lining: Rusev and Swagger actually had a good match, with Rusev still selling his injured ankle like a champ.

Worst Friend—Jimmy Uso
Jimmy Uso had a match against Stardust and once again I was stoked and once again I was disappointed. Uso beat Stardust in unnecessarily quick fashion, even after Goldust had just apologized for the previous Dust Brothers/Usos skirmish and explained that he and Stardust just REALLY want the tag titles. Perfectly reasonable, and the Dust Brothers' mounting desperation was understandable. Stardust deserved a good, long match. I deserved a good, long match. EVERYONE deserved a good, long match and you let us down, Uso. I'm not even mad about Goldust and Stardust once again taking out their frustrations on the Usos afterwards. Friendship is for suckers!

Worst Friend (But in a Good Way This Time)—The Miz
The Miz was scheduled for a match against Sheamus, but sent Damien Sandow in his stead. I continue to love Hollywood Miz and I also love pairing him with Sandow. This way Sandow gets slightly longer matches (still losing, of course) and his mimicking of Miz's mannerisms is extremely entertaining. Of course, the two men are far from being friends; Miz DOES employ Sandow solely to take hits for him, and after the latter first lost his match and then was kicked by Sheamus, Miz didn't bother to check on him or show any sign of concern. FRIENDSHIP IS FOR SUCKERS.

I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat Aug. 28

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The guys talk about this and more
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Cheap Heat
Episode: August 28, 2014
Run Time: 1:03:02
Guest: Sam Roberts

Summary: The opening segment this week is a talk about wrestling memorabilia that could really benefit from video. Then there’s a bit of chatter about performers and if they should keep true to character in social media and public appearances. The bulk of the episode focuses on RAW with an eye toward Night of Champions. The guys end with a new feature, responding to listener emails.

Quote of the week:“Here’s what Bray has going for him. He looks awesome. He wrestles well. His music and entrance is amazing. And he’s a good talker. In other words he has everything. You don’t need the talking right now. Let the music, let the look, let the spider crawl, let that all be who he is and save the talking for when it’s necessary. He’s amazing.” — Peter Rosenberg

Why you should listen: You love the idea of owning your own ring-worn Goldust gear or the sunglasses Bret Hart wore to the ring before the Montreal Screwjob. You’re desperate for more thoughts about current WWE plots outside the main event and a reminder Internet fans once cursed Undertaker for squashing John Cena. You’re the kind of person who will get a chuckle out of the idea of using the Dust Brothers the same way anti-Heenan forces joined The Machines 30 years ago. (Seriously, I would pay good money to watch Showdust and World’s Strongest Dust take on Harper and Rowan.)

Why you should skip it: RAW wasn’t that great this week and Night of Champions is three weeks away. If you’re already read one or two RAW writeups (and who hasn’t by the end of the week?), you’re not going to find anything of value here. Roberts is a nice enough guy — I might prefer him to be Shoemaker’s regular cohost — but it’s unclear what purpose he serves in the studio. Also, memo to Rosenberg: the word is VERSUS, not VERSE. Fix that before you start stumping for every hosting gig WWE never considered giving you.

Final thoughts: There’s a reason Shoemaker doesn’t file a Grantland column every week. Sometimes there’s just nothing to add to the conversation. I’d love to see the guys try to do an interesting interview each week, but “So, what did you think about RAW?” is no way to inspire a relevant podcast.

The Impact Report: The Future Is Never

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Why did this need to happen?
Photo Credit: ImpactWrestling.com
Look, you’ve been reading these reviews along with me for how long? I think you have a good idea of what I like and dislike (mostly dislike right now) about TNA. I’m real big about the “future” being pushed and older guys past their prime putting young guys over. Impact has not been super satisfying in that regard lately and last week’s episode might be the worst offender since Bully Ray put Dixie Carter through a table.

I get that TNA isn’t WWE. By not being a massive, publicly traded company, it can’t offer some of their older wrestlers things like “Legends contracts” and merch deals that would ensure they don’t have to put their bodies on the line night in and night out. And as such, they have to keep the veteran wrestlers looking strong against young pups so that people will still pay to see them when they do signings and work for indie promotions and the like. However, I don’t think the stock of either Team 3D or the Hardys would have gone down at all if either team lost to The Wolves. What good does it do to have your Tag Team Champions, who had been booked so incredibly strong up until now, lose in such a decisive manner? I understand it’s a Best Of Three contest and that there’s still a chance for the Wolves to come back, but Brother Devon and Matt Hardy don’t have to come back after this tour is done. Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards do, and to not have them win this series decisively and come out as the “greatest tag team in the history of this or any promotion” or whatever is a waste.

Look at it this way: if The Wolves trucked Team 3D and The Hardys both nights, TNA could claim that it had the greatest tag team, the tag team that beat two other teams who were huge in that Other Promotion Up North. While The Wolves aren’t TNA Originals, they’ve made their names solely in the independent circuit and chances are they aren’t going to tell radio interviewers that they’d rather be in WWE. That kind of publicity and public faith in the company is exactly what TNA needs right now.

One thing TNA has done right is keep Ethan Carter III strong out of the gate in this burgeoning feud with Rhino. It’s telling that Bully Ray seemed less willingly to put EC3 over without getting his win back. Yet so far, Rhino kind of got made to look like a fool, letting Carter knock the bejeezus out of him. While I’m dreading the inevitable Rockstar Spud/EC3 break-up, I like that it’s more about Carter going TOO dark than anything else. It adds a well-needed danger to his character, my only fear being that this being TNA they’ll go too far and he’ll become yet another edgy tough guy threatening to murder everyone around him.

I’d be remiss to not at least mentioning the show opening segment, with MVP going on a tear about how terrible New York is but how great the current TNA World Heavyweight Champ “The Destroyer” Lashley (née Bobby) is. It was a great great segment punctuated by a reference to the murder of Eric Garner. While I know a lot of people aren’t the biggest fans of MVP, I think him as the spokesman for Lashley has been brilliant work. Given how terrified I am of TNA doing its thing and getting extremely racist with this angle, I’m very excited to see where this goes when it announces who the new number one contender is. Even with a dumb, unnecessary interference spot Lashley was kept strong against Tommy Dreamer, and a guy this dominant with “real life fighting” credibility is one TNA desperately needs to have fronting the company. I wish the Championship was more prominent on the card, but I can live with things for now.

NOTE: I’m not going to talk about the debut of Chris Melendez, amputee soldier and now professional wrestler. While I’m a big fan of charities like Wounded Warrior Project and the like, and have ties to the military, the whole thing feels a little exploitative. If he becomes more prominent on the show and less of someone they can just drag out to make everyone chant patriotic stuff, this feeling may dissipate. But for now, I’m not comfortable discussing it.

Your Midweek Links: Behind the Scenes on Chikara's Lost Year

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Relive this night, if you dare
Photo Credit: Danielle Matheson
It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Wrestling Links:

- The true story behind the craziest pro wrestling stunt ever [VICE Sports]

- Ranking the top 12 WWE Hardcore Champions on the 12th anniversary of its death [With Spandex]

- Angry Andy reviews NYWC Hotter Than Hell [Juice Make Sugar]

- The Best and Worst of RAW: Throwing Up Bella [With Spandex]

- Examining the Tiger Mask/Dynamite Kid series of matches [411 Mania]

- The Thread Count: Wrestling Weddings Part 1 [With Spandex]

- TNA Impact (August 28) Review [Voices of Wrestling]

- The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling: BORE BORE BORE [With Spandex]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- The 2014 College Football Adopt-a-Team Guide [Grantland]

- Drunk on Third Down: Beyonce predicts the 2014 college football season [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

- The Footbawl Blog's Third Annual Preseason Awards [The Footbawl Blog]

- 32 hot takes for the upcoming NFL season [SB Nation]

- Why the Washington Redskins will never change their name [GQ]

- ESPN was dumb, but Michael Sam's showering habits do matter [Deadspin]

- Sam Agonistes: A gay NFLer negotiates a straight player's world [Deadspin]

- Josh Gordon's suspension and NFL discipline [SB Nation]

- Marijuana: An Explainer [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

- The simplest way to make football better [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

- This Week in F*ck You: This F*cking Shitstorm of an Offseason [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

- The worst fucking summer ever [Jezebel]

- The Life and Death of Michael Brown: A Ferguson Reader [Gawker]

- Be nice to the people who give you boners: Thoughts on the Great Celebrity Nude Leak of 2014 [Film Drunk]

- The problem with casual cruelty against women in gaming [Kotaku]

- Zoe Quinn, Anita Sarkeesian, and Internet misogyny as terrorism [Pajiba]

- #GamerGate is a lie gamers need to stop telling themselves [Gamma Squad]

- The best in-store video game reviews [Dorkly]

- Ten Marvel Universe artifacts more powerful than the Tesseract [io9]

- What's wrong with baseball? [Deadspin]

- Stop being a pretentious disaster snob [The Vane]

- The Chinese Basketball Association is fucked up [VICE Sports]

- August is a sports wasteland, and the NBA or NHL playoffs should move there [Regressing]

- The seven deadly sins of pop culture [io9]

- What FXX's marathon taught us about The Simpsons' greatest writer, John Swartzwelder [Warming Glow]

- It doesn't matter whether Tony is alive or not, so stop asking [Pajiba]

- Who's the most evil character on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? [Warming Glow]

- Things I consumed at the Minnesota State Fair, ranked [Foodspin]

- A very thorough and painfully scientific ranking of the new Taco Bell dollar menu [UPROXX]

- Hospital Food: The Snacktaku Review [Kotaku]

- How to grill a skirt steak, 11 minutes of worthwhile grilling [Foodspin]

Made In Detroit: A Motor City Machine Guns Appreciation

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Tag team perfection
Photo Credit: ImpactWrestling.com
There are good things about TNA. I know that, depending on who or what you read, this idea might seem bizarre. But it's truthful. The other thing about those good things is that, by and large, they are accidents. TNA plans for something, and it usually turns into crap. The World X Cup was awesome, largely because of TEAM MEXICO~! (That's another article for another day.) Monty Brown was the kind of kinetic, explosively charismatic babyface that would have done monster numbers during the territory days. But perhaps the greatest example of this can be found in those handsome men above this paragraph.

Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin were just sort of floundering along, doing god knows what, and then someone said "Why don't we make them a tag team? I mean, we're not doing much else with them. This might be interesting." And immediately, MAGIC. Shelley and Sabin teamed together in Japan and in UWA Hardcore in Canada, largely because when you have two guys on your roster from the same place teaming them together seems like a good idea. And almost immediately, they seemed different from most of the other tag teams on the roster. Because they seemed like a team, instead of two individuals thrown together.

For emphasis, being a team isn't about snazzy double-team maneuvers or having matching ring gear. It's more ephemeral than that. It's the way that, for instance, the Wyatts feel more like a team than Big Show and Mark Henry do. And there is no team in the past five years that has topped that. The Usos are your closest bet, and they can't meet that standard only because they work under a much more regimented structure than what the Guns were able to do in TNA.

This isn't an exhaustive list of why I love this tag team that really, if we're being honest, was in their prime from 2007-2010. It was because they managed, at least to my opinion, to make even their "signature" spots seem like they weren't forced. It's a blast to watch the Motor City Machine Guns, even now when their best work is only on YouTube. Hopefully, this has encouraged you to seek their best work out.

Levels of Kitsch in Wrestling, or a Note on Jerry Springer

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Does Springer belong on RAW? Yes, but not right now.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In the waking news of Michael Sam accepting a spot on the Dallas' Cowboys practice squad, and thus having no need for him to accept his open invitation on the upcoming episode of RAW, WWE rolled out another special guest star, going back to a familiar well in Jerry Springer. The former shock talk show host was announced yesterday on Twitter to mediate a sitdown interview between them fightin' Bella Twins, and the reactions around my neck of the Twitter woods have been predictably negative. If any televised product could be considered trashier than professional wrestling, it would be the line of talk shows to which Springer's daily telecast belonged.

While he wasn't the first to delve into seedy topics and exploitation of the poor and minorities for ratings, he certainly encouraged and popularized any tensions, spoken or unspoken, to bubble into fisticuffs. And really, what's funnier than seeing someone worse off than you having their dirty laundry aired to such a point that they get into a fight on TV, regardless of whether it's morally or ethically in the right?

Still, Springer's existence in popular culture doesn't always have to denote appealing to the lowest common denominator. He's lent his talents in ironic, self-effacing roles on plenty of other pieces of media, and no one would argue that his presence alone brought the experience down. Conversely, professional wrestling, in its most basic form, isn't trash entertainment. One can look to the territory era, modern puroresu promotions, or even high-concept American companies like Chikara as executions on a theme that don't appeal to the apparent dregs of society. If a theoretical competitor to WWE existed, one where wrestling was treated in such a way that it was socially forward and not perceived as lowbrow, Springer could appear for them and not cause much of a problem at all.

However, when WWE books Springer, everyone expects the worst because WWE has given no reason for anyone not to. Without context, no one in their right minds would be drawn to watching Springer set up a payoff to his interview piece that is anything BUT Brie and Nikki Bella attacking each other, more than likely in misogynistic display of catfighting. Of course, lifelong fans of wrestling have a hard time defending such entertainment with anything but a lazy and odious "Well, that's what wrestling IS" excuse, which begs the question why someone like still loves even the basest forms of the art. The reason is the same for the art collector who buys gaudy paintings with bright yet ill-matching colors, or why people willingly wear ugly sweaters at Christmas parties. Kitsch is alive, well, and still an appealing thing, at least to me.

Pro wrestling, at least personally to me, can't work without at least some element of kitsch to it. Kurt Angle was one of my favorite wrestlers in the world when he came up not because he was tougher and stronger and more ass-kickin' than anyone else, but because he was this stud Olympic athlete whose disconnect with what wrestling had become in the late Attitude Era/post-WCW purchase provided paradoxical amusement. Chikara intentionally plays with the boundaries of traditional kayfabe in ways that might seem like its making fun of the art itself. Hell, even the most "real" territories of the '80s always had a cheesy element to them. The exceptions to the rule exist, mainly in places like RINGS or other shoot-style promotions, but my observation is that a good portion of the audience that isn't in on the joke of what wrestling should be is at least a fan of both pro wrestling but also mixed-martial arts as well.

Then again, not all kitsch is good kitsch. For as adorably bad as a chartreuse-and-fuchsia painted windmill salt shaker set can be, it has no level of embarrassment on a social level the way that a hilariously exaggerated, blatantly racist ceramic figure of a black person from the turn of last century could be. Yeah, those figurines are kitschy, but they're also hella racist and not something I'd want to be associated with. The problem with judging Springer's kitsch value in this situation now must be discussed as whether it will be bad in an innocuous, entertaining way, or bad in such a way that continues to set women in wrestling back on a mainstream level. If this segment were happening at the height of the HLA era in 2005, the answer would be simple. Springer would be easy to decry, and no mention of dissent would need to be interjected into the conversation. Now, well, yeah, Springer is easy to decry mostly, but the chance exists, as slim as it might be, that this segment might play out along the knife edge.

Women are being given an increasingly bigger platform within WWE by the month, and the strongest single person in WWE right now is arguably Stephanie McMahon. If any other two performers were scheduled to sit down with Springer, I might be hopeful. Given the tenor of the angle, where Brie is expected to garner sympathy by whining "NO!" without refuting any of the terrible stuff Nikki has accused her of doing, glimmer of hope that this is part of WWE's sea change regarding the woman gender is slim. However, that glimmer is still there, which is something that could not be said ten years ago.

Regardless, the removal of kitsch from wrestling isn't a goal that should be striven towards. Rather, that intentional gaudiness and flamboyance should be honed to the point where it can progressively serve the players in the story. It can be done, and it's been proven to be possible in wrestling companies around the world, large or small, in various time periods. WWE right now may still not be equipped to handle Springer poking fun at himself while furthering an angle, but with some work, it can be. Wrestling without at least some self-effacing feels incomplete to me anyway.

Inspire Pro Wrestling's RELENTLESS Review

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New Champ!
Photo Credit: Joel Loeschman
Relentless was an emotional rollercoaster, containing such amazing highs followed by the most extreme of lows. But the great matches and the amazing atmosphere (there really isn’t anything like an Inspire Pro crowd) aren’t what stick out most in my mind. Instead, it was the unusual reliance on outside interference/distractions. That was most definitely out of the norm for the company. I almost thought Vince Russo had been hired, which makes me shudder to think about.

The only match that didn’t have some sort of interference was the NWA Women’s Title match (I’m excluding the Dell/Palmer match as I’m counting it as a bigger overall production involving the Inspire Pro Title and the follow-up match), but that was not without it’s share of controversy.

So, let’s just see what happened, shall we:

”Dirty” Andy Dalton def. Jax Dane to become Number One Contender to the Inspire Pro Championship


My wife, ladies and gentleman! I covered this in my preview, but this may be my first time seeing Jax Dane (I can’t recall if he wrestled at the Branded Outlaw shows that featured NJPW talent), and I gotta say, he’s large. Also pretty good.

While the way Andy Dalton won doesn’t really make him look strong in the ring, it does prove that with him being the “Dirty Mind of Wrestling” and having “The Mind of Wrestling” JT Lamotta in his corner, they are the smartest. They didn’t need to defeat Jax Dane; they just needed to hang on long enough for Lance Hoyt to come down and blast Dalton with a clothesline, giving him the disqualification victory and number one contendership.

Pretty ingenious and it’s a wonder more heels don’t use that when it’s really the only logical option for cheaters. And speaking of that, as I did in the preview, it’s hard to be a loathsome piece of garbage on the indie scene and actually have people hate you for it (often times the fans love you regardless, especially if you slap your thigh well), but Dalton pulls it off with great aplomb.

All of that would be proven ten-fold in the main event, but we’ll get to that.

After this match, Hoyt and Dane got into a bit of a scrum that caused almost the entire locker room of wrestlers and staff to hit the ring to separate them. My only issue was that one of the people involved in keeping the peace was Bradley Axel Dawson of the Hollywood Knives. The man knocks himself out while sneezing, how was he able to survive two giant-sized men clubberin’ each other?

I was just hoping beyond hope that he would get laid out somehow and given that his match was next, it would have provided a simple and easy reason for him to not help Stevo Reno, but it was not to be.

What we thought was going to happen, though, was the imminent death of our esteemed ring announcer, Brandon Stroud. Everyone cleared the ring of Dane and forgot about Hoyt, I guess? They just dispersed, allowing him to accost Stroud. We, the fans, were fully behind the blogger/ring announcer, even though no one intervened, ‘cause, well, have you seen Lance Hoyt? He’s big. And they don’t call him “The American Pyscho” for nothing.

Luckily, for Stroud, it was just some more bullying, that it wasn’t really going down. He just wanted to give his victim time to think about what he was going to do.

The Orphans def. The Hollywood Knives

The Orphans are comprised of DG and Zac Taylor, two brothers who are actual orphans . They are also trainees of The AAPW School (where my wife will begin training soon). They’ve been active in the “attack out of nowhere” game in recent months, attacking Morbidus with Jeff Gant and then, on their own, taking out Kyle Hawk. Gant is seemingly out of the picture (as he missed the show and his scheduled match with Franco D’Angelo).

The Hollywood Knives had their typical match of Bradley Axel Dawson knocking himself out by tripping over the ring steps, leaving Stevo Reno to go it two-on-one once again. So far, he’d been able to overcome the odds, and it looked very much like it would occur once more, but he could never get one of the Orphans out of the ring or down for long enough to get a three on the remaining brother, always having it broken up at the last moment.

In the end though, no one can overcome three-on-one odds (unless you work for WWE), as The Hollywood Knives suffered their first and final loss when a third Orphan emerged to put Stevo down, giving the Taylor brothers the 1-2-3. The new Orphan? Well, he’s known as Sky DeLacrimosa elsewhere, but who knows about now? No name was given.

After the match, the Knives finally imploded, with Dawson blaming Reno for the loss and that he was tired of expending some much blood, sweat, and tears for the team while Reno just laid around being a lazy bum and not helping at all. That drummed up a nice “bullshit” chant from the crowd (and even Stroud) because, well, that is obviously its purest form imaginable.

Dawson beat down his former partner and was heading to the back as the fans started to chant “STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!” This enraged Dawson, as he re-entered the ring, climbed to the top turnbuckle and hit a big splash with all his weight (he has a sizable belly) full force on Reno.

This was a really good match, actually, especially considering the Orphans were fairly new to the business. But, like I said in the preview, not much of this matters if there isn’t a tag division. Who do the Orphans feud with? The only other team just broke up as a result of their victory. Well, I guess we get a bit of an answer later when they return later in the night, but we’ll see on that front.

Street Fight: Mr. B def. Scotty Santiago

This match started off with a bang, literally. Or would it be a crash? What’s the sound for when a trash can is hurled from the ramp and smashed into Mr. B’s head? ‘Cause that’s how this one got underway. Trouble is, that’s about all that I (and many others) saw, as the action quickly spilled to the outside. Like, outside the building. They went out into the lobby, out the front door, and fought in the street. When it returned to the Marchesa Hall and Theater, they went into the women’s restroom. Finally, it got back into the ring.

Soon, we saw the return of Shane Taylor. Who’s Shane Taylor? Well, I don’t know. Not really. The last time we saw him, he was made a member of the Pump Patrol (what happened to those guys?) way back in January at The Ecstasy of Gold and never saw him again (to my recollection). Since this was a Street Fight, it was perfectly within the rules for anyone to get involved. And that was how Mr. B overcame the politics and picked up his first win in Inspire Pro.

We would see these guys again.

Barbi Hayden def. Athena to retain the NWA World Women’s Championship

This first-half main event (it was right before intermission) set the bar high for the rest of the night. I’m not quite so certain anyone else overcame it, either. The second half of the show was filled with some excellent bouts, but this match probably gets my Match of the Night. When Ray Rowe went out with his injuries, I nominated this match to replace it as the headliner, and I don’t think I would have been shamed if they had. As it was, we got a more emotional end the show that this didn’t quite have, but it wasn’t without it’s ups and downs and controversy.

It was a back and forth contest with neither woman having the upperhand for too long. Eventually, Athena was able to hit the O-Face (a twisting dive off the top rope into a stunner), but Hayden ended getting her foot on the bottom rope, and despite counting the three, referee Mike Knoxville reversed the decision and restarted the match.

Athena went for a second O-Face, but Hayden countered and hit her DDT (a Randy Orton-style DDT, but with Athena’s feet on the top turnbuckle in this instance) for the three count. BUT, Athena’s foot was on the bottom rope as well, completely unseen by the referee. Why was that? Well, Hayden casually pushed her foot off the rope before he could see it and restart the match.

Could we be seeing a heel turn for Barbi Hayden? I’m not opposed to it. It definitely adds some more meat to these Women’s Title matches. Now, imagine if Athena wins the XX Division Championship (when is that going to happen, by the way?) and you have these two ladies both battling with belts. Goodness, that would be splendid.

We’ll definitely get a rematch at some point, but I kind of hope Hayden just keeps dodging her, and making Athena prove she needs another shot. I hope she says this WHILE Athena is XX Champ.

”Absolute” Ricky Starks and Franco D’Angelo fought to a No Contest

Gary Jay managed to book himself a flight to somewhere in New Mexico (according to Ricky Starks), so he missed the show, leaving Starks without an opponent. Franco D’Angelo was also sans opponent when Jeff Gant was unable to make it. So, they decided, despite not having anything against one another, to have a nice, friendly contest.

Starks facial expression in the corner really sold that Franco is a beast and he wasn’t particularly looking forward to having to face him. But he went at him without fear. None of it ultimately mattered, though, as The Orphans jumped into the proceedings and caused a no contest. Matthew Palmer came to his buddy’s aide, though, making the Orphans run away for the first time.

Could we get a feud out of this? Maybe. I like that Inspire Pro is mixing up who faces who. It’s not like they ever repeat anything and just have the same people face each other time and time again, it’s more that a lot of these people have done so many battles in other companies, that it’s nice to see some changes. Especially if you take some established people like Starks, D'Angelo, and Palmer and pit them against these upstarts, The Orphans. Sure, maybe they’ve bit off more than they can chew, but it’ll be fun to see them try and take ‘em down.

The wrinkle in all that is what happened at the end of the show.

Scot Summers def. Lance Hoyt to retain the World Class Championship

Lance Hoyt owes Brandon Stroud a new shirt (that had just come back from the dry cleaners according to his girlfriend Destiny), or at least a few new buttons that flew off when his shirt was ripped open. But it was now time to put up or shut up for Stroud, and while he tried to talk his way out of it, he didn’t back down. He even threw a punch (that got blocked) ‘cause what else are you gonna do? Thankfully, before he could be murdered in the middle of the ring in front of everyone, Scot Summers ran out.

During the introductions, Stroud said Hoyt had a Whataburger tattoo on his back, that it’s not a bad thing to be a bitch aka woman (A LOT of “bitches” and “son of a bitch” being thrown around as insults on this show, maybe the pre-show talk of keeping your misogyny to yourself should be extended to the wrestlers?), and that he was an asshole, THE asshole, in fact.

This led the fans to not only chant “Asshole” at Hoyt, but also “Whataburger,” “Whatachicken,” and a variety of other things associated with the fast food chain. This was a very heated match that, well, also did not have a clean ending. While Jax Dane didn’t get involved physically, he provided enough of a distraction to allow Summers to lock in a grapevine ankle lock to get the submission victory.

After the match, Greg Symonds came out (shockingly not during the match), in a really nice suit complemented by the worst baseball hat. Why ruin a good suit with a stupid hat? Anyway, he claimed he was giving it up. The business that is. He had some demons to overcome. Some sort of addiction and was going to leave and spend time with his family and himself. Summers supported this decision and shook hands.

So, of course, it was all a ruse, Symonds laying out Summers with a clothesline. He was soon joined by Mr. B and Shane Taylor. Is he now on the side of politics? Are they now going to work out in Mr. B’s favor? Shouldn’t he be against this? It’s what was keeping him down, yes? Doesn’t he want equality for all? I suppose he just wants it to favor himself, huh? But, like I said earlier with the Orphans, if this pits Summers against Mr. B and Taylor (and I suppose Gabe Roach, if he comes back) as obstacles for Summers to overcome before he can get his hands on Symonds, that’s fantastic.

At least Brandon Stroud gets to live to see another day.

Jojo Bravo def. Jordan Jensen

And a rivalry has come to an end. The first feud of Inspire Pro (Jordan attacked Bravo on the very first show) was finally put to rest. This was a match with attempted interference, but Andy Dalton managed to get himself handcuffed to the ropes, preventing him from helping out his buddy.

I’m hoping this is the beginning of something big for Bravo, because he deserves it, and I think the people backstage recognize his abilities and the fan support he has. Perhaps the J-Crown or moving onto Inspire Championship? Perhaps. Of course, maybe he and Jensen go back to being partners? They did shake hands afterwards afterall, Bravo saying he (and everyone else) does recognize Jensen's talent.

It was a bit of a nice twist, as Bravo wasn’t wearing his revenge tights. This match was about putting an end to the rivalry. He felt Jensen was acting out for the recognition, thinking himself overlooked, and Bravo sympathized with that, as he, himself, had felt like that before. The handshake didn’t sit well with Dalton, though, as he and Jensen got into it. They seemed to have made up, though.

At one point in the match, Jojo went for a tornado DDT, but spun all the way from the corner to the ropes, springboarded off, taking the momentum in the opposite direction, then spun out of the DDT, into a bulldog. It was insane. I’m telling you, don’t sleep on Bravo. He’s the hidden gem of Inspire Pro.

”Centerfold” Matthew Palmer def. “One Man” Mike Dell to become the NEW Inspire Pro Champion

With Ray Rowe recovering from his motorcycle accident, Mike Dell was allowed to choose the challenger for his Inspire Pro Championship. He chose Matthew Palmer, much to everyone’s delight (especially myself). My wife and I were talking with our pal Brian about how the Inspire Pro Championship seemed to have the least amount of heat and story behind it and that we were looking forward to him losing the gold to Rowe. We didn’t feel it was likely to happen with a replacement opponent.

But it did! And it was glorious! See, I think they may have went ahead with whatever their plans had already been. It was honestly the most character Dell had show. He was at his most interesting. The story with Rowe was that Dell had never beaten him (getting manhandled just before he won the Title), so there was doubt in "One Man’s" mind that he could top his now-injured foe. He was finally turning into what he should have been, a heel who is losing control.

He tried using a chair multiple times but Knoxville stopped him. He would eventually use it on Franco D’Angelo at ringside, destroying the Bionic Freak’s knee, forcing him to leave ringside. After a chair shot and a Delbow (top rope elbow drop), it looked like he would retain, but it wasn’t enough to keep Palmer down.

With the referee down, Palmer used the chair on Dell, hit a frog splash, and won the Inspire Pro Championship! There was much rejoicing! But it was short-lived. Andy Dalton and JT Lamotta made their way to the ring and demanded that Palmer defend the gold right then and there.

”Dirty” Andy Dalton def. Matthew Palmer to become the NEW NEW Inspire Pro Champion

Palmer made a huge mistake. He was almost immediately hit with a piledriver, but he kicked out, amazingly. He started to fight back, but he couldn’t fight two men at once with Lamotta at ringside. Eventually, he succummed to a second pliedriver, and his title reign was over in less than ten minutes (give or take).

It was such an emotional rollercoaster.

That said, I’m not opposed to the quick double-switch. It gives Inspire Pro a Champion with an actual character. Someone we can hate (it was mostly apathy towards Dell fairly quickly into his reign), and gives everyone someone to chase. Everyone knows he will use every trick in the book to keep his belt. It also sets up a nice dynamic where Jensen can turn face, since they already got into it a bit following the Bravo match.

So, while I was elated that Palmer had won, I’m more interested now that Dalton is the Champ. I suppose we’ll have to wait until November (or whenever the next show after Battle Wars is) to see a rematch (if he grants one at all) and a full match between those two would be awesome. It would give Inspire Pro a Championship Match main event that’s actually good and that people care about. Can’t rely on the NWA Women’s Title forever.

Final Thoughts: Another great show in the books. It’s almost getting ridiculous how good Inspire Pro is. My only faults were what I mentioned at the top, with all the completely unnecessary interference and distractions.  It’s always better to have clean finishes, ‘cause who are you helping? With Dalton it worked only because of who he is and who he has as a manager. They talk up being the Minds of Wrestling, so they should be able to out-think people. They did it with Hoyt assisting with a DQ and then challenging Palmer for the title immediately after he won it. People never make the best decisions in the heat of the moment, especially when coming off something such an emotional event.

Although, I guess I can’t really be too hard on most of it. Almost all made sense, as either payback or were within the rules of the match. It’s almost more of an inconsistency. This isn’t ACW, so it shouldn’t be anarchy all the time. If you’re going to have count outs (they have a 20 count), then when a manager trips up a wrestler in plain view of an official, it should either be a DQ or you throw the manager out. Simple as that. Either you allow all of it, or none of it. (Small infractions like a trip-up that doesn’t lead to a finish don’t need to end the match, just get rid of the cheating element.)

It didn’t hurt my enjoyment though. I just don’t want it to become an issue where whenever it looks like the finish of a match, I’m looking to the entrance or the crowd to see who’s going to run out.

I would like to point out a fan who told few of the wrestlers who would be complaining on the mic (or just talking in general) to “shut the fuck up.” I can’t remember who any specific targets were, but it was amazing. I just wish he had told it to the guy who took it upon himself to heckle Stroud as he was dealing with his impending doom. Dipshit.

At one point during the show, Justin Bissonnette (whom I interviewed) brought into the ring Thomas Munos, whom some of you may remember as the referee that attacked Sammy Guevara during a match, got fired, and attacked him again when Guevara was beating up Biss. Well, with Guevara gone from the coming, Biss and the Inspire Pro powers thought it was in the best interest to reinstate Munos.

But Munos declined the blue NWA referee shirt. Instead, he wanted a contract to compete as a wrestler AND a chance to win the vacant J-Crown. As it happened, Biss said that they would be having an 8-Man Tournament for that particular crown and that Munos would be the first participant added.

I’ve been waiting for a referee-to-wrestler transformation story and this one worked out beautifully. Munos isn’t the best talker in the world (and who knows how good of a wrestler he is), but considering the fan support he already has, he’s an instant fan favorite. That’s one of the most underused ways of adding someone to your roster. I think it’s what WWE tried to do with Brad Maddox, but they screwed it up when he was immediately decimated by Ryback. But it’s perfect and if they can somehow work his past job into his wrestling (knowing all the tricks and whatnot), it’ll be great. Hopefully, he’s competent enough in the ring (assumedly he is, otherwise they wouldn’t go forward with it).

But the biggest announcement to come out of the night was that Inspire Pro would be returning on October 5th with Battle Wars. With Chikara. Yes, they are putting on a joint show. And the first two matches booked are Jojo Bravo and ACH vs. Silver Ant and Fire Ant and Scot Summers vs. Teddy Hart. Yes, THAT Teddy Hart. Of the people he mentioned, the only ones that I remember them announcing to participate are Grand Champion Icarus and Dasher Hatfield. It’s going to be amazing!

So, if you’ve never been to an Inspire Pro show, this should be one you go out of your way to see. It’ll be worth the travel. I mean, Texas people (and people from all over) travel for King of Trios, why can’t people come to Austin for this? There’s no reason, so get your butts to Austin on October 5.

Basically, you can sum up my feelings about Inspire Pro with this picture:
Photo Credit: Joel Loeschman

TWB Retro Live Tweet Recap: In Your House Canadian Stampede

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GLORIOUS CANADIAN CHAOS
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Last night, a cozy but courageous group of TWB readers and Twitterers gathered to watch the first consensus WWE pay-per-view event to be considered perfect. The band of babblers enjoyed a show with four stellar matches, including an opener that spilled into the arena and continued as a post-match brawl for over half the event. Triple H and Mankind put in another installment in a vicious feud that spanned five years. TAKA Michinoku and Great Sasuke overcame relative newness to the company and the announcers butchering the latter's name in an attempt to steal the show. Vader and Undertaker had perhaps the best match that could have been considered the least good match on the show. And the main event? Damn, the main event was so hot that it made the cameras shake. Watching the event was enjoyable enough, but your tweets? Those missives enhanced the experience even better, and they are following:















Same wavelength?

I usually don't link to my own tweets, but Rob forgot the hash tag on his amazingly astute observation there.

















...meanwhile, back at the ranch.





































Didn't know Taker killed a man in prison...





































It's true! The lull in tweets was pretty telling.



I did see Nattie towards the end, for what it's worth.

Thanks again for everyone who came out and tweeted. Check back to the Tweets next month when I'll either have an EXTREME show to watch or a selection from TBS' bread and butter.

I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 147

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Austin yaks about his reality show this week with his male winner
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 147
Run Time: 1:12:19
Guest: Tommy Hackenbruck

Summary: Steve opens the show recounting his weekend visit to the ESPN College Gameday set. At 16:10 he begins the interview with Hackenbruck, the male winner of Austin’s CMT game show The Broken Skull Challenge. They talked about Hackenbruck’s workout regime (he’s a CrossFit superstar), his football background (he played linebacker for Urban Meyer at Utah) and went over the specifics of Hackenbruck’s time on the show, especially the Skullbuster final challenge.

Quote of the week: Hackenbruck , on the Skullbuster: “Oh, it hurts. It hurts. I think I hurt for 20 minutes after I was done, with my legs just achy and shaky and just so uncomfortable you don’t want to — there’s no position you can get in that’s comfortable. You try and squat down, you try and stand up, you don’t know what’s going on. It’s tough, and the harder you go on it, the hardest thing about it is it’s kind of a mental challenge because the harder you go on it, the higher probability you’re going to mess up on an obstacle and then lose time.”

Why you should listen: You watched every episode of Broken Skull Challenge and want to go behind the scenes.

Why you should skip it: You’ve never seen a second of Broken Skull Challenge and don’t care to learn anything about the show.

Final thoughts: It’s a pretty easy call. No matter how much you love Stone Cold, if you didn’t pay attention to his nearly-completed reality show (the women’s final has yet to air), there is no reason whatsoever to listen to this episode. It’s not a bad interview, but Hackenbruck is completely uninteresting outside the context of his big win.

WWE Is in Chaos, but Is the Chaos Good?

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Is this chaos good?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The series of Growing Up Bella vignettes on this past week's RAW has left me a bit out of sorts. We’re supposed to believe Brie Bella is the bad twin but yet it was Nikki Bella that betrayed her sister, supposedly because of all her pent up frustration from years of alleged torment. I really do not like this angle, but I will be there every step of the way to point out what I like or in this case, do not like.

I knew the twins would be split up eventually but there are so many other paths that could have been taken to do so. The vignettes seemed repetitive and bored me to bouts of yawning each time Nikki Bella came on with her unbelievable web of lies, one that the WWE Universe has not been caught in by and large. I mean if you’re going to pull this storyline off, you have to make it believable to a certain degree. It just lacked luster. To top the segment off, Stephanie McMahon came to the ring and called out Nikki Bella. As they worked through this WWE Creative mess, the audience was heard stating the obvious, “BORING.” They were calling it as they saw it. It was pretty boring.

McMahon attempted to crown Nikki as the face of the Divas Division, replete with a title shot, but her coronation was cut short by a parade of interlopers - first Brie, then AJ Lee with her claim of contendership, and finally the Divas Champion herself, Paige. The ring seemed too crowded without any real action going on. Sure, Brie clobbered her sister after being yelled at with vehement pleas to quit. I would have had McMahon take a lump too; instead, Paige ended up eating it. I'm not sure if her fall was scripted or a blunder. Either way, the whole thing felt a bit too chaotic for my liking.

Is all of this too much too soon? Or does everyone like this chaotic direction WWE is taking? Truthfully, I have not seen the WWE in this much disarray in quite some time, and it's not just with the women either. Look at the opening segment of RAW with the men:

  • Triple H basically told John Cena being beaten again by Brock Lesnar wouldn't be good for business
  • John Cena responded that he's ready to take on Lesnar
  • Randy Orton claimed he should have a shot
  • Kane asserted his claim to one one
  • Roman Reigns threw himself into the mix
  • Seth Rollins put his two cents worth and the briefcase in
  • Chris Jericho was thrown in the mix for good measure

    My favorite of the bunch above is Roman Reigns. I think he deserves a chance to shine but with all those dropped in the hat, can he? For the women, my favorite isn’t even listed above, and that’s Natalya. I think out of all the women in the division, she’s the one who stands out to me the most. She can wrestle well and should be added in the mix. Both the women and men’s side of things is in turmoil. It’s worse than the soap operas my grandmother would watch on a daily basis. And yet I tune in weekly because I love professional wrestling. Even though this wasn't the best RAW, it still entertained and got me thinking what I would do better. It's chaotic and turmoil but like years past, it's cyclical. This too shall pass.

    Twitter Request Line, Vol. 92

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    "BOB DOLE KNOW ALL ABOUT HARD TIMES, DADDY."
    Photo via Getty Images
    It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday morning (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

    The politician? Bob Dole. The promo? HARD TIMES, DADDY. Do I think he'd mean a single word of what he was repeating? Probably not. However, hearing him talk about how he was going to take Ric Flair out for the textile workers that his policies probably helped send out of work would be comedic enough that I might be snowed into voting for him as a troll.

    When I think of the phrase "bunk bed," think of a horizontal thing stacked upon another horizontal thing. The move that symbolizes the dual horizontal nature the best seems to be the Romero special, or what is more commonly referred to as the Mexican surfboard stretch. However, I would probably go with a move that would look like someone falling off the top bunk, which is an unnamed maneuver that Colt Cabana debuted a couple of years ago. Basically, he wrangles his victim into a fireman's carry on the top rope before hopping down and dropping his victim chest first across the top turnbuckle. Either one works; it just depends on how you want to view the representation of a bunk bed in wrestling.

    A Chikara guest that's only appeared once is rarely any fun. But my favorite Chikara guest star is almost as hard to choose as, well, say, my favorite Simpsons episode. How can I choose among a pool that's dozens deep on superb wrestlers, stunning characters, or a combination of both? Like, how does one choose between the ebullient heroism of El Generico or the legendary joshi aura of Manami Toyota? Tommy Dreamer in Chikara was surreal as it was great, but then how could I choose him over Akira Tozawa? Colt Cabana is a sore subject with some people, but he's usually baller as hell in the confines of a Chikara ring, but does he really rate over Kikutaro?

    That all being said, I guess I'll have to go with the collective of the Sendai Girls. Meiko Satomura, Dash Chisako, and Sendai Sachiko attained as much nirvana in one weekend as any group of wrestlers could at the last time King of Trios happened. Their run is the stuff that folk songs are written about.

    Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolang

    *crosses @duyarvish off the list of people to kill*

    GODDAMMIT

    Again, choosing my favorite child theoretically would be easier to do than my favorite episode of this show. Spoiler alert, I love TJ with all my heart, but you better believe my yet-unborn-daughter Josie will probably have daddy wrapped around her tiny little pinkie from birth so there's that. Anyway, after 552 episodes and one movie, choosing a LEAST favorite episode is even fraught with hemming and hawing. Is the infamous Armen Tamzarian episode worse than the one where the writers retconned Marge's and Homer's courtship in the backdrop of the grunge movement of the '90s? But fuck the shitty episodes, what about the good ones?

    My sentimental favorite is "Kamp Krusty," as it was the first time I really thought "Hey, this is probably my favorite show of all-time." Everyone loves "You Only Move Twice," and I'm no different. But then how does one discount "Grade School Confidential,""Homer at the Bat,""Homer's Barbershop Quartet,""Summer of 4 ft. 2,""Boy Scoutz n the Hood,""Marge Vs. the Monorail..." Oh my God, I think I'm going to have an aneurysm just thinking about this.

    I think I'm just going to cycle back and say "Kamp Krusty" is my favorite episode and be done with it. But really, I could do a whole playlist of episodes that could act as a collective favorite and not feel like I just copped out.

    What is it with YOU PEOPLE and wanting long lists? Lucky for you, I'm happy to oblige. Not in order, because goddammit, I'M ONLY A MAN.
    • Road Warrior Animal - I noted last week this pattern was my favorite because it was elaborate but unpretentious at the same time.
    • Road Warrior Hawk - I always wondered why Hawk's facepaint was so simple compared to Animal's. It's not like Animal was quoting Dostoyevsky while Hawk was wrecking shit. In fact, Hawk was the more verbally profound one. Eh, I'm overthinking it.
    • Hakushi - I bet those kanji characters were saying "FUCK YOU, WHITE PEOPLE AHAHAHAH." Still, they probably took a long time to paint and looked stark and cool compared to the gaudy neon spandex vomit that covered the WWF landscape at the time.
    • Goldust (Darth Maul design) - Wrestlers have a really terrible problem with parodies of other pop culture stuff (just look at Pro Wrestling Tees for examples), but Goldust hit a home run with his current facepaint motif.
    • Yoshi Tatsu - The half-face design was bad-fucking-ass.
    • Demolition - Their facepaint always made them look like bargain basement Road Warriors, but the Roadies were fucking cool anyway. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
    • The Batiri -Their paint is so good that I'm not sure that their faces aren't really colored like that.
    • The Great Muta - Specifically, I dig Keiji Mutoh's facepaint from when he rebooted his painted alter-ego recently. Some things get better with age.
    • Devastation Corporation - Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, yup, and Sidney Bakabella's hulking bruisers' homage to the Roadies/Demolition/Powers of Pain is pretty tight.
    • Kana - Fuck Paul Stanley, Kana's my Starchild.
    Not happy about having to leave Bull Nakano off this list, but such is life.
    The laziest-best way is just to go to Texas Roadhouse. But the best-best way is probably to look up a good recipe for a Thai beef satay and make a peanut dipping sauce for it.

    The one wrestler who looks most like a bear is Bill Carr, he of Tremendous Investigations fame (if you don't know, educate yourself on the Beyond Wrestling YouTube channel). Even though he and Dan Barry are HARD-NOSED DETECTIVES, I think Carr might be a *bit* too jovial to be Smokey the Bear. However, Michael Elgin is SERIOUS ENOUGH to be the bear, even though he's a bit undersized. He's also making overtures at changing careers. Baseball's nice, but what about being the spokesman for fire safety in the woods? WHAT ABOUT IT, ELGIN?

    To be completely honest, I haven't seen a whole lot of WCW pay-per-views, so I'm not sure how well the WarGames matches from Fall Brawl hold up. WWE's best main event, however, has to be Shawn Michaels vs. Mankind from In Your House: Mind Games. This match was where Mick Foley arrived in WWE as more than just a Monster of the Month for Undertaker. The visual of him stabbing his leg is iconic too.

    You could always watch Impa... AHAHAHAHAH oh geez, I almost got through that with a straight face. Thankfully for you, the time has never been better for wrestling on television, even if it's not really on television in your area. NWA Smoky Mountain and NWA SAW post their weekly shows to YouTube, and I would recommend both. However, the big recommendation would be AAW on MaddyG TV. If you have a Roku,  you can get MaddyG TV as a channel for free, and AAW is a great promotion to stay current on the "super" indie scene.

    I swear I've seen that segment before in the past. WWE has teased it before, and nothing came of it. Will something happen this time around? It's September, where feud teases go to die. I wouldn't expect anything of it right now.

    The rumblings before said Gulf War started had a Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior rematch slated, and given how badly Warrior was apparently flopping at the box office, I tend to believe those rumblings would've come to fruition had Vince McMahon not had the idea to have Sgt. Slaughter go turncoat thanks to American intervention in the cradle of civilization.

    First off, take any idea you may have of tying the price into your sign and burn it. Not only is doing the job of WWE's marketing department incredibly lame, it's unoriginal, even by pro wrestling standards. You should try to want to be fresh. Even if you want to hit on a popular beat, do something you don't think anyone else is going to do. Anyway, the only time I made a sign to bring to a TV taping was in 2000, when I went to a Smackdown taping and brought an acrostic sign that said:

    Hideously

    Huge

    Honker

    Yeah, I'm the lame ass you don't want to be taking sign suggestions from. But if you must get input from me, I would go with something short, sweet, and targeting Stephanie McMahon. Maybe playing into the meme that she's the ultimate power mom? I suck at this. Sorry!

    Far be it from me to parent someone else's kids. I consider myself liberal among the throng of parents, but I'm sure some will consider me strict. Even so, I don't know what your standards, or more importantly, your brother/sister's standards are. But general advice would be to start incrementally. Find the most family-friendly promotion, like Chikara or old-school WWE on The Network, and start there, even at five. Then, as the kids grow and mature, move onto other avenues.

    But even so, as an aside, fans don't normally get into wrestling at a later age. Some exceptions are out there, but still, fans are minted in youth. That reason is why most wrestling companies should be all-ages and family-friendly. Fuck that "mature/edgy" noise. Wrestling doesn't have to be adult-only to be good. No form of entertainment does. If you can edgy/adult wrestling, that's great. Pro Wrestling Guerrilla is 21+, and it's fantastic. But PWG is the exception to the rule. Market to the kids, and don't half-ass it.

    The one that I have pinned to the top of my Twitter profile, of course.

    The NFC West is looking more and more like it's declining in quality from last year, which means the Seahawks might not have to shift out of first gear and still be the odds on favorite to win homefield advantage. The question is which team will end up taking them on in the title game? The Saints, Eagles, Falcons, Packers, Bears, Niners, and Bucs all are enticing picks, and honestly, I'm not sure any team in the NFC is really out of the discussion, right? I mean, Washington could somehow pull a run out of its ass based on Robert Griffin III surging back to 2012 form. But since I'm boring and safe, gimme the Saints as Seattle's title opponent.

    And since I'm going the safe route, shouldn't everyone's pick for the AFC Championship Game be the Broncos vs. Patriots until another team in that conference proves it deserves more than a passing look? God, how many teams in the AFC look like dumpster fires this year? Would anyone be remotely shocked if the Browns made a deep playoff run?

    But of course! Cottonbelly is one of the few true babyfaces in wrestling, and the fans, at least in Chikara, respond to him so positively. And he's not just all character either. He's really good in the ring too. I was surprised to see that he was one of the three best workers on the Wrestling Is Respect card where I saw him wrestle a full match for the first time. Gentlemania runs wild because the guy behind it is so gosh-darn talented.
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