I Listen So You Don't Have To: The Ross Report Ep. 31

September 19, 2014, 4:30 am

≪ Previous: Twitter Request Line, Vol. 93

Watts gabs about tons of history
Photo Credit: Pro Wrestling Illustrated via WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: The Ross Report
Episode: 31
Run Time: 2:11:59
Guest:“Cowboy” Bill Watts

Summary: After another JR monologue of little significance, he gets to the business of a long chat with his pro wrestling mentor, a veteran wrestler and promoter most famous for his time running the Mid South territory as well as a tumultuous stint as the head creative force in early 1990s WCW. The talk is wide ranging and relies heavily on Ross’ personal experience with Watts. There’s a little chatter about the modern WWE product and approach, but the bulk of this episode is first-person history. A topic rundown would demand too much space here — suffice it to say few stones are left unturned.

Quote of the week: Watts, regarding people critical of Ross’ belief Brock Lesnar does not need to be live on WWE TV each week: “People are going with their feelings, not their brains, because they don’t really understand the business anyway. They think they do. Remember how many guys always used to tell me they could run a business better than I could? I said, ‘Great! Go out and buy your own office and run it any damn way you want and report back. Don’t let me hold you back.’ But none of ’em ever did it. Not one, not one of these geniuses ever did it. There’s a hell of a difference in saying you can run a business and going out and running it. Most of these people that are doing their bitching don’t understand the business. You do.”

Why you should listen: Watts is a far more important historical figure than last week’s guest, Vince Russo. After hearing about Watts on the majority of episodes of this and Steve Austin’s podcasts, it’s about time we hear from the horse’s mouth. There’s just the right amount of cranky old man from Ross and Watts (it would be dishonest for either to subdue that part of their personality) and for a 75-year-old, Watts is a great thinker and talker. I’m not aware of Watts doing a great many other interviews, so almost everything I’ve heard about him has been secondhand at best.

Why you should skip it: If you love Ring of Honor, definitely skip the monologue. Beyond that, this is a long show, and it’s not for those who have little interest in the old-school mentality Watts made famous. Most of the talk focuses on promoters and the business side of pro wrestling, so don’t expect to hear it described in glowing terms as an art form. Ross this week does as good a job as he ever has in laying back and letting his subject actually answer questions, but inevitably there are moments where JR can’t resist interjecting his own views, even though they’re both familiar to regular listeners and more or less in lockstep with Watts.

Final thoughts: This is not journalism or a documentary, it’s sycophant Jim Ross chatting up Bill Watts, so you’re going to get the Cowboy’s side of every story. For some, this will be either old news (in regards to Mid-South legend, 1992 WCW booking decisions, allegations of Watts’ racism and so on) or a refreshing confirmation of who deserves your wrestling scorn (read: Eric Bischoff). But since this show is literally dripping with history, find a grain of salt or two and dig in. After two hours, you might still shake your head at follow-ups Ross didn’t ask or the breezy manner in which Watts brushes off heavy subjects, but you’re certainly going to be made to think and reflect, which is more than can be said for most podcast episodes in the last month or so.

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Final King of Trios News Update

September 19, 2014, 6:30 am

≫ Next: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art of Wrestling Ep. 216

≪ Previous: I Listen So You Don't Have To: The Ross Report Ep. 31

AR Fox is a worthy mic drop name for Rey de Voladores
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

Well, tonight is the night that King of Trios begins in all its glory. In the past few days, Chikara has put some of the finishing touches on its pre-tournament announcements. Obviously, some surprises are still in store, and the full slate of competitors in the Tag Team Gauntlet will not be decided until trios start getting eliminated from the main tourney. However, Rey de Voladores is completely set, three new teams have been added to the Gauntlet, and some juicy post-Trios news about the oldest traditional tournament in the company has been dropped.

First up, the second RDV eliminator has been fleshed out. Seiya Sanada was announced late last week, and an impressive array of high-flyers will be joining him. The second name for the match announced is none other than the Funky Pharaoh himself, Amasis. This run will be Amasis' second in the tournament; he participated in 2010 when his Osirian Portal tag partner Ophidian won the thing. Speaking of the Serpent from the Nile, a fiendish lout stole his gear off the subway earlier this week, gear that was handmade by his girlfriend Hayley Jane. Check the With Spandex link to get to where you can help him recoup his losses.

The third name in this eliminator match is a relative unknown to the Northeast. Orlando Christopher, whose nickname is "Kid Hybrid," will make his Chikara debut in the RDV tournament. He's a Detroit local who's mostly known for his work in Xtreme Intense Championship Wrestling. Chikara is good for trying new and different options to varying degrees of providence in these kinds of tournament settings, so hopefully Christopher is a diamond in the rough and not just plain old rough.

Rounding out the match and the tournament is AR Fox, which is a name worthy of being a mic-drop announcement. Fox has not worked for Chikara-proper before, but he has dabbled in the Wrestling Is family of promotions, specifically Wrestling Is Art in New England. For those who are fairly new to independent wrestling, Fox is among the best high-flyers going today. He's been to PWG, EVOLVE, CZW, and Beyond Wrestling among others, and he's the perfect standout name to anchor this match alongside Sanada. This appearance will be one of his first, if not his first overall back from a wrist injury that sidelined him for much of the last two months.

Onto the Tag Team Gauntlet, three new teams have been announced for the fray, which already includes Obariyon and Kodama of The Batiri. These four teams are the only ones to be announced beforehand, as the next six will be decided presumably as surprise entrants like Demolition in 2012, or as their trios are eliminated from the tournament at large. The second team in the tournament is the duo of N_R_G, Hype Rockwell and Race Jaxon. They represent the Greenhorn Militia, a group of recent graduates of the Wrestle Factory who look to make their names in a hurry in the bigs. They will have a great shot at proving something.

Next up are representatives of The Flood, Sidney Bakabella's Wrecking Crew to be exact. Oleg the Usurper and Jaka will march into the tournament, looking to ravage anyone who steps in their paths. Given the amount of righteous indignation shown by the Greenhorn Militia towards The Flood, I wouldn't be surprised to see N_R_G and these two goons square off at some point during the proceedings. Either way, I pity anyone who steps in these guys' paths, and if Oleg comes to the ring eating his trademark raw onion like an apple, I pity anyone who's around him in the crowd.

Finally, the ubiquitous and theatrical devilish dairy duo Los Ice Creams is the last announced-ahead-of-time team for the Gauntlet. They've been Chikara mainstays for as long as anyone can remember, but in the last couple of years, I've noticed their game has ramped up substantially to the point where any one of their announced appearances on a show becomes can't-miss. I doubt they'll do more than act as fodder for any one of the other teams, but they'll go down in the most entertaining fashion possible.

And if the Trios news wasn't enough, Chikara made the huge announcement that Young Lions Cup would be coming back. The tournament, which went on hiatus last year thanks to the dissolution of the company by Wink Vavasseur and Condor Security, will return this time as a property of Wrestling Is Fun! Night one will take place October 11 in Haverhill, MA, and night two will touch down in Norristown, PA on November 1. The first part of the tourney will not be the promotion's first venture into New England; it ran a show in Rhode Island a year or so back.

I'm glad this is happening on two fronts. First, Young Lions Cup is a great way for Chikara to give both its younger stars and some fresher faces around the Northeast/country to get a crack at a bigger audience. Second, that it's happening in WIF! is cool as it further strengthens the bond between parent and child promotion. I like that the child company is getting some of Chikara's hand-me-downs. The continuity between the companies allows for more stuff to happen. While a pseudo-isolationist relationship between main company and developmental territory can be a benefit to a larger entity like WWE, having Chikara and WIF! work so closely in concert with each other actually feels better on such a smaller level.

Basically, in regards to Trios, the table has been set as nicely as it's going to be before the events actually start. The only things left to be announced are the surprises, and of course, they wouldn't be surprises if they were announced beforehand. Happy Trios weekend, everyone!

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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art of Wrestling Ep. 216

September 19, 2014, 8:30 am

≫ Next: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 152

≪ Previous: Final King of Trios News Update

Eddie Kingston among the throng on Cabana's podcast this week
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 152

September 22, 2014, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

≪ Previous: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art of Wrestling Ep. 216

Austin's going stag again this week
Photo Credit: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed
Episode: 152
Run Time: 1:25:37
Guest: None

Summary: Stone Cold is still in Georgia, and he tells you about his life while filming Redneck Island for about 37 minutes before answering listener emails. The question topics lean more toward wrestling than they did in Episode 150, but there’s also plenty of chatter about hitting the gym and personal motivation.

Quote of the week:“I want to say to you guys, before I leave, how much I appreciate you guys hitting the download button every single week. Some of ’em are winners, some of ’em ain’t so great, but nonetheless I’m giving you everything I got every time I fucking turn this recorder on and start recording. I’m just in a jam for time.”

Why you should listen: There’s some decent wrestling talk in this one, including reasoning behind Austin’s preference for heel work (which springs naturally from a question about his knee braces), thoughts on constructing face comebacks, he importance of selling and a passing reference to working in Japan. Outside those topics, Austin is his usual affable self, and given his time constraints, less prone to rambling than usual.

Why you should skip it: Rarely is a no-guest show a must listen, and this is no exception. Even the interesting topics are familiar territory for regular listeners, and the non-wrestling talk is typical Austin absurdity. If you don’t like the shtick, especially the uncensored variety, this one’s not for you.

Final thoughts: During the Attitude Era, I was never the biggest Steve Austin fan, largely because I never quite got into his foul-mouthed character, and I also thought the Stunner was a lame finisher. As such, I never quite got nostalgic for any of his return appearances. But somewhere early in the run of his podcast, I gained a much deeper appreciation for Austin, perhaps by understanding he likes wrestling as much as I always have.

While that was true in part to his interviews with legends like Ric Flair that illuminated as much about the host as his subject, I also have to give credit to the outright goofy episodes where Austin fired up a recorder, opened some emails and just started spilling words. It would be disingenuous for me to now pan episodes like this because he’s not pretending to be anything other than what he’s presented for nearly 18 months. That doesn’t mean everyone should listen to this particular show — heck, maybe no one should — but there’s something to be said for finding a voice and delivering content without fail, week after week.

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Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

September 22, 2014, 8:00 am

≫ Next: The Return of the King: Chikara King of Trios '14 Night Three Review

≪ Previous: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 152

Bad Bunny, bad friend
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Most Stable Friendships—Jimmy and Jey Uso, and Goldust and Stardust
The tag match between the Usos and the Dust Bros. was over before I had fully realized it was even happening, but as far as I'm aware nothing untoward happened to threaten the stability of either team. In fact, I'm putting the Usos' apparently fully healed injuries down to the power of friendship.

Should Be More Than Friends—Sheamus and Cesaro
At this point, I'm not even the only one who has noticed that Sheamus and Cesaro's interactions have a flirtatious tinge. And seriously—Sheamus kneeling with the US championship in front of him and beckoning to Cesaro while the latter faces him, stretched out in the ring? They're just blatantly trolling me now. As expected, the powers that be are probably going to run the “R-Truth is Dolph Ziggler's double!” gag into the ground, but other than that Ziggler and Sheamus' match against the Miz and Cesaro was probably my favourite of the night. It was hardly a fresh match-up, but everyone looked great. One million bonus points to Damien Sandow for not only putting Miz's discarded sunglasses on over his own, but also for clutching his own chest as if in pain while Miz was being beaten by Sheamus. Damien Sandow is too good for this world.

Does Not Deserve a Friend—The Bunny
Adam Rose had a match against Heath Slater and the Exotic Express' resident rabbit once again got involved, attacking Titus O'Neil at ringside for no good reason. I've said before that I don't find the bunny's antics amusing, and I'll say it again: Fuck off, bunny. Also, costumes that obscure the wearer's face are so creepy. Why would anyone want to hang out with that thing?

Most Unexpected Friendship—Big Show and Los Matadores
Los Matadores showed up to help Big Show take on Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan. It was nice to Los Matadores. I've never been a huge fan, but we haven't seen them for a while and, on a purely aesthetic note, I appreciated their bright apparel. The match was pretty fun too.

Should Be Friends—Paige and AJ Lee
First of all, everything surrounding the women's match was streets ahead of the mess last week (and most weeks, come to think of it). Paige and Nikki Bella had a good, decently long match that showcased an aggressive and (dare I say it?) entertaining Bella. AJ Lee was on guest commentary again, but the menfolk hardly spoke to her at all (a vast improvement). All in all, this was a great way to illustrate that Paige and Lee are only shooting themselves in the feet by focusing their enmity on each other and ignoring Nikki Bella. If Paige and Lee don't work something out and realize that they need to stop messing around, the title that they both hold so dear could very well be in the hands of an Authority stooge by the time you all read this. (Ed. Note: This scenario did not play out, although if WWE had decent storytellers in Creative, maybe it would/should have...)

Probably Going to be Friends and I'll Just Have to Deal with It—Bo Dallas and Jack Swagger
This time around, Bo Dallas taunted Jack Swagger by stating that if the latter isn't careful, he's going to end up exactly like Zeb Colter, which may have struck a chord with Swagger (though it would be easier to tell if his face ever showed the slightest hint of emotion). If we keep going down this path of Dallas gradually recruiting Swagger...whatever. I'll deal with it, but I probably won't like it.

Worst Friend—Mark Henry
Rusev and Roman Reigns had a perfectly passable match that ended when Rollins interfered. After he and Reigns brawled into the crowd, Mark Henry showed up to humiliate and confront the Russians. And this is my problem with these hyper-patriotic feuds—yes, Lana and Rusev looked like smug jerks for celebrating a win achieved via disqualification, and I don't doubt that they are truly villainous villains. However, it was pretty shitty for Mark Henry to show up and attempt to physically confront Rusev after Rusev had just had a taxing match (in fact, due to Reigns' continued inability to show that he's taken any damage, Rusev looked far worse off than his opponent) and then been caught between two men who want to murder each other.

I mean, confronting an injured enemy when you are fresh as a daisy? That's how you want to represent your country? Not very sporting. How could I possibly be angry at Rusev for then defending himself? Rusev was tired and hurt, yet still found fire enough within himself to fight back, and that's way more admirable than Henry ending up standing tall at the end of the show. You've got terrible taste in friends, America. (and this is all very painful for me, because I actually love Mark Henry)

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The Return of the King: Chikara King of Trios '14 Night Three Review

September 22, 2014, 10:00 am

≫ Next: MCMG Monday: Generation Me (The Young Bucks)

≪ Previous: Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

Smooth Sailing didn't appear on the show, but who cares!
Photo Credit: An anonymous Chikara friend whose name I didn't get

TH Style! I highly checking back to Smart Mark Video to see when you can get this show in whatever your desired medium is.

Highlights:

The Golden Trio defeated Jimmy Jacobs' Flood team when Volgar tapped out to Icarus' Chikara Special. After the match, Icarus freed the Lithuanian Snow Troll from his chains, only for the Troll to give him a low blow in return.
The Devastation Corporation punched its ticket to the finals with a Death Blow on Scott Parker of 3Peck0.
Mark Andrews put down Oliver Grimsley with a shooting star press.
The Osirian Portal eliminated nearly a third of the field in the Tag Team Gauntlet, but they couldn't overcome Sidney Bakabella's roll of quarters. Oleg the Usurper and Jaka won the Gauntlet thanks to help from their manager as the tenth and final team entered.
The Submission Squad defeated the Gentlemen's Club in atomicos action by hitting a Stone Cold Stunner, Rock Bottom, Atomic Leg Drop, and Warrior Splash on the Swamp Monster in quick succession.
Shynron overcame the red mist to defeat Seiya Sanada and win the Rey de Voladores title with a 630 senton off the second rope.
The Devastation Corporation won the 2014 King of Trios with a Death Blow on Dasher Hatfield.
After the match, the Flood laid waste to the Chikara roster and offered an ultimatum to Icarus to hand the Grand Championship to Eddie Kingston. Icarus was able to talk sense into Kingston, and the War King turned on Jacobs, allowing the Chikara roster to beat the Flood back and end the show on a high note.

General Observations:

"Smooth Sailing" Ashley Remington made an inexplicable appearance during Gavin Loudspeaker's introduction of the proceedings, and then was absent the rest of the show, which may have been my only major complaint about the day. Then again, as seen above, I did get a mark photo with him, so it's not all bad.
Notable for their attendance: TEDDY HART AND HIS CAT, MR. MONEY. I almost expected them to appear on the show in some capacity, but alas, they did not. For as bad as Hart is nowadays though, even the most hardened soul would have to admit that him as the cat-stroking mastermind behind the Flood would've had so much kitsch value. He spent most of the show sitting next to Green Lantern Fan though. Gross.
The Flood team of Jimmy Jacobs, Eddie Kingston, and Volgar came out leading the Lithuanian Snow Troll on a chain leash, much in the same way that the BDK hauled Delirious around during that group's heyday. Someone needs to let these rudo factions know a thing or two about animal cruelty. Or human cruelty. Or Baltic elemental cruelty.
I'm so used to the lackadaisical-looking, casually-falling back version of the Samoan drop that when Volgar hit his by throwing his entire weight back with him, I jumped out of my seat. The little things.
When did the Throwbacks start using 3D?
When the Snow Troll was freed of his shackles and then attacked Icarus, Friend of the Blog Alex Torres made the timely reference to Game of Thrones and called him "Reek." I just hope that his Lil' Snow Troll didn't have to be freed from the rest of his body for the final breaking to happen.
3Peck0 came out with facepaint to try and play mind games with the Devastation Corporation.
Max Smashmaster may be the most improved wrestler in Chikara over the last two years. Dude hossed his ass off in this match, both on offense and selling.
3Peck0 at one point had Flex Rumblecrunch up in assisted electric chair position on Archibald Peck's shoulders and they triple-teamed him into a powerbomb. More than a few swanky double-and-triple-team moves got broken out on this show, but that one may have been the best-looking one.
Mark Andrews and Oliver Grimsley broke out some nice mat grappling early on in their match, culminating in Andrews busting out the Lady in the Lake. I don't care how absurd the premise behind that move is, I love it unironically.
Andrews' high flying game was on point in this match. I've grown sick of seeing people try to do hurricanranas because they never "close the window" or the guy taking them is just so late on flipping over. However, Andrews' form was perfect, and for his part, Grimsley took it like champ.
Paul London and Evan Bourne/Matt Sydal have competition for the best shooting star press, because Andrews hits that move like a bawss. A graceful, majestic bawss, that is.
THE ORDER OF TAG TEAMS IN THE TAG TEAM GAUNTLET, FOR POSTERITY:

Los Ice Creams (Ice Cream Jr. and El Hijo del Ice Cream)
Old Fashioned (Jervis Cottonbelly and Marion Fontaine)
N_R_G (Hype Rockwell and Race Jaxon)
Colony: X-Treme Force (Arctic Rescue Ant and Missile [!] Assault [!] Ant [!])
The Batiri (Obariyon and Kodama)
The Osirian Portal (Ophidian and Kodama)
The Bloc Party (Proletariat Boar of Moldova and Prakash Sabar)
The Colony (Silver Ant and Worker Ant)
Pete and Damian Dunne
Oleg the Usurper and Jaka

One of Los Ice Creams started doing the chicken taunt to Old Fashioned, and then they started doing it as well, causing the crowd to loudly hum the melody from "The Chicken Dance." That Ice Cream then shouted "HEY, THEY ARE MAKING FUN OF ME!"

At one point, the Ice Creams pulled out a sock full of SPRINKLES and spread them around the ring like thumbtacks. Of course, being the gentlemen they are, Old Fashioned took turns cleaning them up. First, Fontaine swept them out of the ring with a push broom. Then Cottonbelly swept them up with a dustpan and brush, and finally, he brought out a SHOP-VAC. I unironically love Old Fashioned with all my heart. Of course, Los Ice Creams got the pin on Cottonbelly while he was vacuuming. I love those dairy deviants as well too.

Man, N_R_G is a decent gimmick idea, but those dudes may need some more time at the Wrestle Factory.

Things in the gauntlet zoomed by until the Batiri and the Osirian Portal squared off. The beginning of their match in the gauntlet began amusingly since the demons had just dispatched the rogue ants of the Flood. The Portal tried calming them down, but the Batiri just went in hard, calling back to their rudo roots.

At one point, the Portal looked over to the sound guy, and he played the REGGAETON HORN of meme-culture fame. I don't know how many people there got it, but I liked it.

Amasis spent way too much time between the Batiri match and the final match against the Wrecking Crew on the apron dying. I'm pretty sure Ophidian beat the Bloc Party all by himself.

This show was the first time I saw Prakash Sabar in person, and holy poop, his mask was outstanding with the tongue hanging out of it all the time. I so wish that Chikara would've brought Sean Waltman back for this show just to have a singles match between the two.

Sidney Bakabella knocking out Ophidian with a roll of quarters was the most perfect way he could have interfered. The attention to detail on some of these characters is so thorough and complete, and it adds to the atmosphere exponentially.

For as silly and absurd as the atomicos match between the Submission Squad and Gentlemen's Club started off and ended up, Davey Vega and Drew Gulak going "serious" for a few moments not only served as a nice anchor point for the absurd heights it would go, but it whet my appetite for a future singles match between the two. They both wrestle in Beyond. Hey Denver Colorado, make it happen!

Gary the Barn Owl and the Swamp Monster were each team's human/non-human hybrid, so OF COURSE they became BFFs during the match.

At one point, Chuck Taylor shoved his infamous grenade down Davey Vega's tights, at which Vega "stopped" the match and monologued about what was going to happen. Joey O. remarked that it was right out of British comedy The Young Ones, which I've never seen. I'll take his word for it.

The match got so out of control after the grenade went off in Vega's drawers that I couldn't really take notes, but it ended with Bryce Remsburg attempting pins on both Gary and the Monster, leading to a familiar exchange between him and Taylor arguing that it was a three, ref. Of course, the roles were reversed, which begged the question, what if Remsburg had actually scored a three? Would it have been thrown out? Would he have been dragged in front of the ethics committee? DOES CHIKARA EVEN HAVE AN ETHICS COMMITTEE?

I theorized that the Swamp Monster took the pin because no one was there to keep him misted like in appearances past. A swamp elemental needs to stay damp in order remain as mobile as it can. Dryness, especially for Swampie, is a killer, man.

The Rey de Voladores final was my first exposure to Seiya Sanada, and I became a fan almost instantly. He had the flashy offense down, but what won me over were his subtle command of working heel and his presence. Despite his size, his fearsome presence was overwhelming. He, along with Flex Rumblecrunch of all people, were the guys I thought did the best job of menacing without even moving.

Shynron's offensive pyrotechnics were on full display here early. He feigned a dive to the outside on Sanada instead catching him off guard with a 619-style kick to the outside and a diving tope con hilo off the apron. Dude later on pulled off a first-rope 450 splash and finished with a second rope 630. He's got hops.

This match also featured a lot of big bumps. Both guys took moves from the ring to the outside - Shyron taking a German suplex and Sanada a hurricanrana - which is requisite in a high-flying match. However, the match didn't plod on like it might have in other promotions.

The only problem I had with the match wasn't even something I noticed until Brandon Stroud pointed it out on Twitter. I won't go so far as to say that I "can't stand" Shynron (I'm actually a big fan of his) because he didn't sell red mist (which in mist-lore is more dangerous/poisonous than green mist), but it was definitely a rookie mistake not figuring it into his comeback struggle more.

Logical inconsistency among the tecnicos in the King of Trios final - what stopped Icarus from charging into the ring while Remsburg was restraining Dasher Hatfield and vice versa? If honor binds a babyface to the ring, then why try to go in in the first place? If the good guys outnumber the ref, why not blow past him to even the score against the rudos? I understand the heart of what went on, but it just came off as dumb-looking.

Flaw aside, this match could have occurred at a Starrcade in the '80s. Both teams had their brawling shoes on, and it was hard to follow in a good way with so much chaos brewing at all times.

I seriously thought the roof was going to cave in when Icarus kicked out of the Death Blow, which to that point had been perhaps the most protected finisher in Chikara history.

Dasher Hatfield, however, wasn't kicking out of no Death Blow, and I understood why.

The mood in the room when Icarus handed the belt to Kingston after Jacobs' ultimatum was the closest to total revolt that I had experienced live. I almost thought Icarus was going to get a "WORST IN THE WORLD" chant for old time's sake, but even though his delivery on promos in the past had been shaky, he totally nailed his appeal to Kingston in the aftermath. Kingston returning to the Chikara fold blew the roof off the place, sure, but it was set up by what was Icarus' best tecnico promo to date.

Match of the Night:Davey Vega, Evan Gelistico, Gary the Barn Owl, and Pierre Abernathy vs. Chuck Taylor, Drew Gulak, Orange Cassidy, and the Swamp Monster - I know a small but vocal minority (or large majority, I don't know, I'm a writer, not a census taker) probably hated everything about this match, but the Submission Squad's contribution to the weekend cemented them in the Chikara firmament. It was a match that was for Chikara fans, from the beginning all the way to the finish that was cribbed straight from memories of watching the World Wrestling Federation in the '80s and '90s. While in "serious" competition, the Squad more than holds its own, the group showed that it, as a collective, has a mastery of comedic timing and deployment of beats, and the Gentlemen's Club was the perfect group against which they could show their stuff. If they couldn't tickle ribs and create magic with Chuck Taylor across the ring from them, then they had no hope at all.

Whether it was Gary the Barn Owl and the Swamp Monster striking up a friendship that caused them to go against their own teammates, Davey Vega monologuing with everyone else on pause about how he had a live grenade shoved down his pants, referee Bryce Remsburg getting in on the action so much as getting a pin attempt on both Gary and the Monster with Taylor making the count, or even Taylor's antics throughout the match, this atomicos match was jam-packed with amusement, mirth, and merriment. Even the split second where things got "serious" with Vega and Drew Gulak squaring off fit as almost a moment of anti-comic relief in a yuk-fest. I found it hard to take complete notes and transcribe everything that enthralled me during this match because the pace was so frenetic and I couldn't really keep my eyes anywhere but on the action in the ring, but then again, isn't that the mark of a good match?

In a weekend full of the emotional drum getting beaten hard, and on a show where the final moments were refined for maximum catharsis, the comic relief had to be just as bombastic, just as intense. The Squad and the Club provided that bedrock, a refuge for the fans in attendance to laugh, get a respite from the tension in the air, and appreciate eight guys and a plant elemental going out and being unafraid to make themselves look like jackasses for the crowd's amusement. Deriding the clowns can be easy to do, but without them, wrestling shows would provide a totally different and not as worthwhile an experience, and the Submission Squad, Gentlemen's Club, and Remsburg turned in one of the best examples of why a comedic break in the action is not only absolutely necessary, but can be among the finest action not only on a given show, but in a given year.

Overall Thoughts: I've read and heard a lot about Chikara's demise this year, about how it's lost its fastball or that it's not worth the ticket prices it commands. I must live in some kind of bizarro world, because Chikara has been one of the best companies working all year. I've been to three of the five shows it's run in Easton this year. All three - National Pro Wrestling Day, You Only Live Twice, and this one - were full of good-to-great wrestling action, hearty laughs, tremendous character work, and endings that left my knees buckling. This time, no question lay on the horizon that Chikara was going to survive. Jimmy Jacobs and his Flood had gone down the "CAPITULATE OR DIE" road way too often for a permanent closure to be totally believable. It was only a matter of who would be the one to save the day. Would Kid Cyclone lead the Greenhorn Militia out? Would Jakob Hammermeier wield the Eye of Tyr for good instead of evil? Would CHRIS HERO prove that money and art could rebuild even the most burnt of bridges and be the savior?

But the one who would win the day was the focus of a descent into madness for the last year-plus. The Grand Championship consumed Eddie Kingston, but he had forgotten the reason why that title was so important to him on the day he won it in 2011. The title belt is only gold and leather, but Icarus had to remind him that what made it a "her" worth fighting for was the backing of the fans of Chikara. The company can move glacially in its story development, maddeningly gradual even for people who are fans of the slow burn, but its payoffs, especially in Kingston bashing the bejeezus out of Jacobs' face, yield rewards greater than the riches under the Lonely Mountain. I wish I could properly convey to you how weak in the knees and trembling of heart that ending made me, but I can only settle for telling you that the pop elicited from that Easton crowd when Kingston finally turned back was second only to the one at NPWD when Chikara was announced to "reopen."

Despite the relatively happy ending, the rudos were kept strong and formidable. Chikara has always had trouble reining in babyfaces running roughshod towards the ends of story arcs, the BDK angle being the most notable that I can think of. For as dominant as the Germanic invading force was in the beginning, once Kingston pinned Tursas at Cibernetico, it was like the group's mojo dissipated into the cold, Lehigh Valley air, hobbling along in the story for a year as the tecnicos' whipping boys until the survivors were euthanized at High Noon.

Even with the superbly happy ending here, no doubt was left that the Flood was still a formidable force, specifically concentrated in the Wrecking Crew of one Sidney Bakabella, who may have been the star of the night. His Devastation Corporation won the King of Trios tournament, and did so fairly cleanly. His charges Oleg the Usurper and Jaka won the Tag Team Gauntlet with his help. No matter how much momentum the Chikarmed Forces have right now, the battle is not completely won, and that strain may have been the best stroke of storytelling of all.

But even if the Flood/Chikara story went over your head, this show had so much to offer any fan, first time or long time. The Los Ice Creams/Old Fashioned portion of the Tag Gauntlet and the atomico both had laughs for people of all ages. Mark Andrews vs. Oliver Grimsley and the Rey de Voladores final both sated the need for high-flying action. Even devoid of story, the later portion of the Tag Gauntlet and the trios matches were all easy to follow and well-worked.

I could be a biased observer given that Chikara is my favorite promotion of all-time, but the reason is because I have yet to be disappointed with an entire show that the company has produced. King of Trios '14's final night stands up with 2010, '11, and '12 and the grandeur those shows produced. Get this show as soon as you can. Hell, get the whole weekend while you're at it. King of Trios is truly one of the marquee, if not THE marquee wrestling event on the American calendar, and I'm so glad it's back.

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MCMG Monday: Generation Me (The Young Bucks)

September 22, 2014, 12:00 pm

≫ Next: Way to Front-Load, Guys: WWE Night of Champions Review

≪ Previous: The Return of the King: Chikara King of Trios '14 Night Three Review

The Bucks didn't have a lot of contact with the MCMGs outside of TNA
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

Maybe it's because they really only had one match outside of the restrictive TNA confines, in PWG (a match which was excellent by the way.), but the Young Bucks-Motor City Machine Guns thing ever really only happened in TNA. In a lot of ways, this is a shame. As much because this was a feud between two guys who were, at the time and in the case of the latter still are, state-of-the-art tag teams and it was always glossed over to talk about the same strata of top guys that was only chipped into when circumstance, and lack of finance, changed it. Also, so many of those new and cool double-team moves are miscalled because Mike Tenay, who was once on the cutting edge of the sport, grew lazy and a caricature of himself. But that's another story for another day. Right now, just enjoy their most physical and hate-filled match (and the only one without commentary.)

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Way to Front-Load, Guys: WWE Night of Champions Review

September 22, 2014, 2:00 pm

≫ Next: The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, September 22

≪ Previous: MCMG Monday: Generation Me (The Young Bucks)

HEY! Tell everyone the Tittymaster's back!
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Hey yo! TH Review ENGAGE. Catch the replay on the WWE Network if you weeell.

Highlights:

Goldust and Stardust won the WWE Tag Team Championships from the Usos when Stardust countered a Superfly Splash by getting his knees up and rolling up for the pin.
Sheamus retained the United States Championship with a flash Brogue Kick counter on Cesaro from the corner.
Damien Sandow returned from the back after being shooed away by R-Truth and ugh, Florida-Georgia Line and distracted Dolph Ziggler long enough for The Miz to O'Connor Roll him with tights to win the Intercontinental Championship.
Roman Reigns' incarcerated hernia kept him from the arena, allowing Seth Rollins to claim a forfeit victory. He then issued an open challenge, which was answered by a returning Dean Ambrose, leading to a non-match brawl around the arena.
Rusev defeated Mark Henry by submission with the Accolade.
Randy Orton countered a Chris Jericho leap from the top into a RKO to get the victory.
AJ Lee wrangled Paige in the Black Widow to earn the tapout victory and her third Divas Championship reign.
John Cena defeated Brock Lesnar by disqualification when Rollins came in and broke up a pin attempt after a fourth Attitude Adjustment. Cena then prevented Rollins from cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase by yanking him from the apron before he could make the attempt official. Lesnar is still WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

General Observations:

I think I've finally pinpointed at least two reasons why Stardust tickles me so. First is that his demeanor reminds me of classic Goldust, only if he were 12 years old and constantly on a sugar high. The second is his look, which makes him appear as the most glam member of The Batiri.
Also, Goldust got some badass new facepaint, an original design at that.
The Usos broke out a sweet new double team move on Stardust. One of the back body dropped Stardust towards the ropes, and the other slam dunk-stun-gunned him across the top rope from the apron. These twins don't get enough credit for taking the tag division on their backs in 2014.
The Usos working over Stardust's leg was a great callback to the buildup of this match. Seriously, WWE's writers don't deserve the wrestlers they have executing their lame-ass stories.
Stardust at one point had an Uso tied up in the ropes and slapped him, duel-challenging style, with his glove. As Cody Rhodes, he was good, but Stardust has been a complete transformation for the better for him.
Sheamus came out with bushier looking facial hair than normal. The sideburn-moustache combo with the spiked hair always made him look goofy anyway. I think he needs to embrace his shagginess to go along with his prime roughneck style in the ring.
The only thing more impressive than Cesaro sending Sheamus to the floor with a Swiss Death was the sly grin he shot the camera afterwards. Seriously, how is Cesaro not Bond-villaining his way up to the top of the card?
Cesaro's counter game was on point this entire match, stopping the five moves of doom with a lariat, countering Brogue Kicks, even the Ten Beats of the Bodhrán. But Sheamus countered with some fierceness. The look on his face when he hit Cesaro with the Irish Curse was plain ol' mean.
Florida-Georgia Line came out for guest commentary on the Miz/Dolph Ziggler match, and my thought at the time was, and I quote, "OH I BET THIS WILL BE ENRICHING AND TOTALLY WILL NOT END UP IN UNTRAINED, SCRAWNY FUCKING COUNTRY MUSIC SHITHEADS BEATING UP ON THE MIZ AND/OR DAMIEN SANDOW."
Sandow gets a lot of deserved props for his stunt-doubling for The Miz, but to give credit where it's due, R-Truth totally nailed the Ziggle Wiggle atop the entrance ramp.
Ziggler and Miz have had really good matches before where both guys put in work, but this contest was all Ziggler. Miz felt off all match, most notably on that clothesline Ziggler hit out of the corner. Miz totally telegraphed it. I hate the "MIZ SUX LOL" train, but he wasn't on his game this match.
Of course, my awful premonition was right, and the D-list country music shitheads punked out Sandow. If this doesn't end with Miz, Sandow, and Heath Slater eviscerating the Flo-Rida-Georgia Line combo trio at WrestleMania, then I will probably seethe quietly and concentrate on the stuff I do like, which is my coping mechanism for when bullshit like this happens. What did you think I was actually gonna quit watching?
I originally suspected that Roman Reigns' injury was a work because of how it was timed after his inexplicable clean win over Seth Rollins Monday, but then WWE showed footage from his hospital bed. If that's a work, then the company is really committed to the lie.
Rollins isn't a great promo yet, but he keeps picking up the easy meat at least. He set up Dean Ambrose's return perfectly.
Of COURSE Ambrose arrived to the arena via cab. He is the Charlie Kelly of WWE.
Much like at the other contender for "least-best WWE PPV of 2014" Battleground, the highlight of the show may have been Ambrose going apeshit all over Rollins in a non-match brawl segment. He's going to be so much fun when WWE finally realizes he's the next big thing.
Whenever Rusev outstretches his arms and shouts before doing a corner charge, the only thing I can think of is someone shouting "HOORAY! I POOPED!"
Mark Henry's body may be failing him at an increasing rate by the minute, but the man's wrestling IQ just keeps climbing and climbing. He sold his back masterfully during this match. It was a well-worked, smartly booked match that should have come off better than it did, but something still felt off about it. Still, I can't hate it that much.
My review of Chris Jericho/Randy Orton:
The general consensus was that AJ Lee and Paige both had good matches in them, but goddamn, Nikki Bella came out like a HOSS in this match. She threw her weight around, heeled it up, and even went to the mat hard. Maybe Brie IS the weak link...
I don't trust WWE not to go the skeezy lesbian route with Paige/Lee, but again, the wrestlers execute on stories that are better than what's being written for them. The exchange where Paige was on one knee extending a hand to Lee that caused Lee to go nuclear on her? Brilliant.
HOLY SHIT TOWER OF DOOM SPOT IN A WWE DIVAS MATCH, and it looked pretty darn good too.
Brock Lesnar broke out Los Tres Amigos, which is funny because I thought you had to have BEATEN Eddie Guerrero to be able to gank that move from him.
Lesnar should get all the credit in the world for not only working in his MMA background into a worked environment and hybridizing it with actual pro wrestling, but making it look easy and natural. I know he had to leave in order to make this run work, but watching him wrestle makes me long for an alternate timeline where he never left and was able to become THE guy.
A small part of me wanted to see Lesnar just up and squash Rollins on an attempted cash-in instead of treading down the well-worn "rival prevents a cash-in before the match starts" path. I know that Rollins winning the title eventually is the right move, but oh man, I'm at a point where I just want Lesnar to immolate everyone and everything around him.

Match of the Night:Sheamus (c) vs. Cesaro, United States Championship Match - As soon as this match was announced, I predicted that it would be worth the monthly sub for The Network by itself, and even in a month when the monstrously critically acclaimed Takeover: Fatal Fourway happened, I feel vindicated in my projection. The consensus on Cesaro has been pretty resounding for two years now, and Sheamus has been a critical favorite of mine since he came up in WWECW. They've had several tremendous matches in the past, and both are in the midst of banner years. This match not only met their lofty expectations, but it may have been the best of their meetings to date.

The early portions of the match mixed together some classic European grappling with the stiff brawling that Sheamus has become known for during his career. They wove between brawling and grappling sequences so fluidly like it was a true clash of styles. Cesaro wanted to pull the match towards his wheelhouse, Sheamus kept resisting violently with his wailing fists, but both guys were also adept enough at the other guy's game to give the impression that their aim was to hybridize the match. They almost felt like they were showing off, but when the action came off looking as good as it did, I can forgive it.

But then they started trading bombs, and the match became fully actualized. They careened to the outside, threw each other onto tables, and countered moves like whoa. The chains came off, and they were free to create finery in the field of HOSS artistry. Even if Cesaro coming into the match hadn't been booked the best, the way it was laid out made him look like he was a threat to win that title at any point. He cut off Sheamus' five moves of doom with a huge lariat. He Swiss Death'd Sheamus out of the ring and then flashed the sliest smirk this side of the Atlantic. He countered the Brogue Kick four times. But then the final attempt at the kick may have been Sheamus' best ever, uncorking one at the exact right moment when Cesaro was seemingly in the middle of a protracted heat segment in the corner. Matches like these may not totally absolve WWE's horrendous midcard booking, but they go a long way in easing the pain of the week-to-week doldrums with payoffs that these writers don't deserve.

Overall Thoughts: If one were to watch WWE pay-per-views, and ONLY the PPVs, then Night of Champions stands as a transitional episode in a slate of 12 events over the course of a calendar year. WWE has been abnormally and exceptionally strong on special events this year that pure transitional events like this one or Battleground can get lost in the shuffle. In the face of a full slate of WWE programming, free and paid-for, Night of Champions becomes even shakier, especially the finish of the show. I would have an easier time apologizing for using the special events as story-driving platforms if the narratives were pushed forward on RAW as well.

Even with the state of RAW, I can buy Seth Rollins coming in, waylaying John Cena, and trying to cash in on a prone Brock Lesnar, because just as the company proved last year that great wrestling should not be confined to pay-per-view, the talking point that plot advancing, non-wrestling devices belong only on free TV feels weak to me. WWE is a living, breathing thing where nothing should be off-limits. However, I think that the things the customer is expected to pay for should be on a grander scale than the stuff you get for free. The way the main event ended felt like something that should have happened on RAW. As a contrast, Rollins bashing in Dean Ambrose's head on cinder blocks felt like a pay-per-view thing. One provides good value and the other feels on the cheap side. I'll let you decide which is which.

Still, Ambrose returning at this show, whether planned all along or necessitated by Roman Reigns' emergency surgery and subsequent prognosis, was a fantastic moment. The problem, however, was that the show took a stark nosedive afterwards. The Tag Team Championship match was a great opener. The United States Championship match was one of the best contests in the company all year. But then after Ambrose fired the crowd up, Mark Henry and Rusev fell a bit flat (even if the match had all the nuts and bolts of a good contest). Randy Orton and Chris Jericho went on so long even Davey Richards could've shouted at them to take it home. The Divas Championship match was surprisingly and refreshingly well-done, but it wasn't enough to save the rest of the show. And Lesnar/Cena trended downward despite having some great action embedded within.

Still, Night of Champions wasn't bad. I'm not sure WWE has had a bad special event in 2014, but given that even Payback had an elite resume this year, being "not bad" is not good enough to keep up with the pack.

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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, September 22

September 22, 2014, 4:30 pm

≫ Next: Instant Feedback: All Ambrose Everything

≪ Previous: Way to Front-Load, Guys: WWE Night of Champions Review

Dean Ambrose is a friend to Yellow cab
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: Not Ranked) - That Dean Ambrose is such a swell guy, keeping traditional cabbies in business in the face of Uber crushing the market with its trendy and convenient iron fist.

2. Sidney Bakabella (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He manages the reigning King of Trios AND the Tag Gauntlet winners. He's also brought helmet hair back into style, AND he's gotten over more times on Toots Mondt than the Roadrunner has on Wile E. Coyote. If you don't think Bakabella is the Manager of the Year, well, he's not gonna let you get to the pay window.

3. AJ Lee (Last Week: 4) - Lee won the Divas Title for a third time last night. Two more times, and she can get a free coffee cake muffin at her local Dunkin' Donuts.

4. Halloween Oreos (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I submit to the groundswell of orange colored and pumpkin flavored foods, but Nabisco lost out on PRIME BRANDING by not having Hallowicked Oreos for King of Trios. THAT COMPANY MADE ME GO FULL TREE BRO.

5. Paige (Last Week: 3) - Even though she tapped out to Lee and lost the Divas Championship, she still got a psychological one-up by using Lee's posterior as the canvas upon which she'd tap. MIND GAMES. ONLY PLAYED WITH THE ASS.

6. Jakob Hammermeier (Last Week: Not Ranked) - No lie, just last week, I was wondering where that crazy guy had gone, and boom, Friday, he unmasked as the man behind Dr. Cube in possession of the Eye of Tyr all along. I swear to God, if the endgame is that Hammermeier is the mole for Chikara inside The Flood, I will wet my pants. IN A COOL, MILES DAVIS WAY AS DEPICTED IN BILLY MADISON.

7. Mr. Money (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Teddy Hart may be a socks-and-sandals wearing lameoid, but don't front on Mr. Money, the coolest cat in the Hart Family. THAT'S RIGHT, NATTIE NEIDHART's NEW CAT, I'M THROWING SHADE AT YOU, WHAT.

8. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 8) - Even injured, Daniel Bryan's so good he can end this string of me using unnecessary caps at the end of entries.

9. Mark Henry (Last Week: 6) - Henry lost to Rusev at Night of Champions, but I dare anyone who says he let his country down to say it to his face. I will always stand by Mark Henry as a true, real American. In fact, I am going to start a Change-Dot-Org petition to get the US capital relocated to Silsby, TX.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She possesses the power of bilocation, which allowed her to be at both King of Trios AND Night of Champions last night.

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Instant Feedback: All Ambrose Everything

September 22, 2014, 8:55 pm

≫ Next: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat, Sept. 18

≪ Previous: The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, September 22

He's your god now
Photo Credit: WWE.com

The dirtiest little secret about Attitude Era RAW was that the shows really weren't written well at all. The maze of swerves often made little to no sense, and the failed attempts at worked shoots only really exposed the business in chintzy, tawdry ways. The "adult" edge was basically done to pop Vince McMahon, whose sense of humor is about as refined as bauxite, and it mainly drove kids away while catering to a bunch of gross manchildren, the majority of whom were about five years at the very most from abandoning "fake" wrestling for mixed-martial arts. The era's popularity had nothing to do with booking and even less to do with bookers.

The above isn't so much to say that nothing was good about those days. I mean, people loved wrestling, "The Big Three," and watching on Mondays for a reason. When people say they want the halcyon days of 1998 back, what they really seem to want is a show buoyed by electric, unpredictable personalities. Without guys like The Rock, Triple H, McMahon, Undertaker, Mick Foley, and especially Steve Austin, the then-World Wrestling Federation would have been a Tommy Wiseau movie with sub-SyFy original movie casting. Wrestling, no matter what the era or the motif of the promotion, needs stars.

With CM Punk living as a "private" citizen, Daniel Bryan recuperating indefinitely, and Bray Wyatt currently hanging on by a thread by barely any fault of his own, WWE has been bereft of a star, an electric personality. Then again, each one of those wrestlers has had a limiting niche to them. Punk and Bryan both were favorites of wrestling fans. OF course, no fault should be found by those appeals, but it's hard for someone like Punk to get a foothold when his appeal is mostly to negative emotions. Conversely, Bryan is great for energizing the base, and he's a perfect wrestler to be on top during lean years or as a foil to someone more marketable. That isn't to say Bryan isn't a star or isn't marketable. He's just the guy who keeps the fans who are already here excited until a cult of personality can come along and join him on the top of the roster to attract the ｃａｓｕａｌｆａｎｓ that Vince McMahon values over life itself.

Wyatt, conversely, has that kind of cult appeal, but his character requires a lot of unpacking and a lot of risks needing to be taken with him that a conservative, safe company like WWE just would refuse to take. Wyatt would be the King of ECW if he came up 20 years earlier. He'd rule Chikara with an iron fist. But WWE? Nope. Brandon Stroud writes almost ad nauseam about Wyatt's need to fundamentally change people being essential to him working out, but WWE refuses to do that.

But with Dean Ambrose, well, he's both well-worn territory and he brings an unknown, unquantifiable aura to the proceedings. To say he's the "next Stone Cold" discounts what makes his niche, his angle so unique. He combines some of that unpredictability, some of that anti-authoritarian ethic with him, but he's not a beer-drinking redneck who wants nothing more than to beat up his boss. He's part James Dean, part Charlie Kelly, and part something totally new. But instead of trying to figure out his ingredient list, the important thing would be to note about how different the show was from week to week with basically taking out Brock Lesnar and subbing in Ambrose.

Which again is not to say Lesnar is the problem, either. I'd imagine the reigning, defending WWE Champion would have added to any show of which he was a part. But Ambrose's addition injected life into the show. I have no idea what the writing process is like, but empirical evidence seems to suggest that the script tends to be more inspired with him around, and the difference showed. WWE trotted out a fairly similar show to last week's, and yet the idea of Ambrose and, ugh I guess, John Cena wanting to get revenge on Seth Rollins energized the rest of the similar stuff surrounding it better than Cena trying to schedule his rendezvous with Lesnar around halftime of a game from a league under the most intense public scrutiny in its history.

But even if the script's focus changed, would the show have felt as vibrant with anyone else in Ambrose's role? When he stands up to Cena, you get the feeling he's not going to back down. Dolph Ziggler? He'd totally cower if Cena pulled an ace card. Could anyone have imagined even Roman Reigns bringing as much life to getting beaten down and dragged away by security as Ambrose did? Damien Sandow definitely wasn't popping the crowd THAT hard by cowering in a box waiting for a chance to spring up.

Whether it's the crazy look in his eyes, the stern conviction in his voice, or especially the willingness to jump onto a moving vehicle, Ambrose has the bona fides and the animal charisma to move the needle, to make any show appear better than it has any right to be. The evidence is in the last two weeks, and it will continue to manifest every time Ambrose is allowed to create, allowed to be destroyed, allowed to make an impossibly crazy comeback in the ring and hit the Jawbreaker Lariat on fools left and right.

Basically, as long as Dean Ambrose is allowed to do his thing, WWE will be in a good spot. RAW will be watchable. Puppies will bring you blooming flowers, and gorgeous people of your desired sexual orientation will make you breakfast in the morning. Stars drive the quality, and Ambrose is something special and unique. Pray that WWE doesn't make him just another guy. Because man, how depressing would the late '90s have been if Steve Fucking Austin had to job to Al Snow a week after he was made at WrestleMania 13?

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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat, Sept. 18

September 23, 2014, 4:30 am

≫ Next: Dispatches from the Lake: 1476 and Counting

≪ Previous: Instant Feedback: All Ambrose Everything

The Grantland gang discusses this RAW, among other things
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Shoemaker: “It’s a stacked card. Like, just looking at it on paper, probably my favorite card of the year so far. I mean, as far as potential goes, I’m excited about it.”

Rosenberg: “If you’re ignoring some of the RAWs we’ve had to suffer through, yes.”

Shoemaker: “The setup has been pretty lousy for a lot of (matches).”

Why you should listen: If you can’t get enough WWE talk heading into Night of Champions, this is the show for you. Shoemaker self identifies as the WWE’s No. 1 defender, so if you’re an optimist about a weak RAW and PPV build in general, some of what they have to say will encourage your fan viewpoint. There’s a lot of chatter about Cena’s heel turn, and also the Montreal Screwjob makes an appearance. If you’re in the rare breed who hasn’t worked through either of those topics to the point of exhaustion, prepare for further mental stimulation.

Why you should skip it: If you don’t like hearing Rosenberg call people peckerhead, you’ll want to stay away from this episode. Beyond that, without a guest or a pay-per-view, Cheap Heat tends to be only as interesting as the RAW that precedes it. This week’s was a dud (though the guys praise it at the beginning, they later determine it was a tough watch), and the podcast follows. You’d think they could have instead showered praise on NXT TakeOver, but it warranted barely a passing mention until a reader question, at which point the guys gave quick praise for the show itself but mostly discussed why NXT can’t or shouldn’t be RAW And despite Shoemaker’s enthusiasm for the Night of Champions card, the preview of the card elicits little excitement.

Final thoughts: Chances are good your feelings about Night of Champions and the last month of Raw episodes are firmly established, and this week’s Cheap Heat won’t do anything to sway you in another direction. As usual, Shoemaker’s take is much more compelling in written form on Grantland. Listening to the show at normal speed gives the impression the guys are recording more out of obligation than excitement about the narrative, and it’s really disappointing the way they overlooked a fantastic NXT show, especially given their platform and the ability to generate interest for the best thing WWE is producing these days.

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Dispatches from the Lake: 1476 and Counting

September 23, 2014, 6:30 am

≫ Next: The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Season 3 Episode 2 and 3 Semi-recap

≪ Previous: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat, Sept. 18

That's enough, John
Photo Credit: WWE.com

I really don’t know why I allow myself to get all bent out of shape about this stuff. I really don’t. Granted, I was expecting John Cena to walk out of Night of Champions with the title, so it could have been worse. But I don’t get it. I don’t get why you would build a monster like Brock Lesnar, a man who’s last run in the WWE has been nothing short of dominant, only to have him need to be saved from losing after taking Cena’s finisher for the fourth time in the match after he no sold it during their last match.

Why?

WHY?!?!?!

For a moment there, the WWE had done something admirable. It is my sincerely held belief that as soon as Lesnar returned to the company, he should not have lost a match. The powers that be seemed to fix that this year, with Lesnar decimating the Big Show at the Royal Rumble, defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania, and then winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship from Cena in decisive fashion at SummerSlam. He was a monster. A god king of the wrestling world. Who could stop him? Who would dare step up to challenge him? There were seemingly endless scenarios. Whoever stepped to Lesnar and beat him clean would become the next great superstar.

So, why the hell should Cena be the one to conquer that mountain?

According to Cagematch.net, Cena has wrestled in 1884 matches (including house shows and dark matches). Of those matches, he has won 1476 of them. That’s a 78.3% win percentage. Hulk Hogan’s win percentage is 76.3% just for comparison’s sake. In 2014, it is impossible to make Cena look weak. No man, woman, or child watching WWE programming thinks that he is, and none of them will stop buying his merchandise just because he loses a match. At this point in his career, loses mean nothing to someone with the winning ways of John Cena.

I will concede that a good portion of the match looked like their SummerSlam outing with Lesnar standing tall over a prone Cena. But what changed in the time since then? We didn’t see any vignettes of Cena training up for the match. He just came out a few times, delivered his same old spiel, and made Bray Wyatt look as ineffectual as Kane a few weeks ago.

This match should have looked the same as their last match. Brock Lesnar should only need the superior advocating skills of Paul Heyman to help him win matches until the next chosen one is selected from the field. Cena is the current chosen one. He can’t be the next one too.

I will never understand is there this desperate need to protect Cena. Why can’t he show even the slightest hint of vulnerability or growth of character? Nope! We can't have any of that! Cena is only allowed one clean loss a year, and he already had that last month. So now, I get to worry for another month about the WWE ruining the best star making opportunity they’ve had in years.

On second thought, screw worrying about the WWE. Chikara deserves my undivided love and attention, for King of Trios was this weekend. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be watching that tomorrow night instead of Raw. Listening to Cena promo #126 is the last thing I need to hear.

↧

The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Season 3 Episode 2 and 3 Semi-recap

September 23, 2014, 8:30 am

≫ Next: Impact Report: We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Wrestling Program

≪ Previous: Dispatches from the Lake: 1476 and Counting

Summer Rae rules, mostly everyone else drools
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Back in the ancient days, delays weren't really explained since every publication had a deadline of sorts. Either you turn in a half-assed piece by a given date or face the unemployment line. I suppose this is still true. Pretty sure the folks working at a lovely site like With Spandex have to get their work in by a set time even if they don't have it in. Anyways, this is a long rambling way to further apologize for the classic Trey Irby writing delay. I had work (which a lot of people have) and I had laziness (which Trey Irby has) so Total Divas' latest episode is out of the purview and I am now doing a double recap, a further procrastination technique. And again, I give gracious thanks to anyone who would read this long ass pointless thing.

It's breakup season in Total Divas land. Everyone pretty much began to hate each other slowly and surely. In episode 2, it was the Ariane/Trinity saga. In episode 3, it was the reheated Summer/Nattie saga, which at least seemed to be a relief because it was at least a common thread. Like damn, this is rough. Anyways, let's reestablish the power rankings hierarchy, combining two episodes with lazy discussion as always.

1. Summer Rae

It's season two all over again. Once again, the person with the least reason to be hated on so massively by everyone else in the cast is also the character with the most bite. Summer Rae isn't an angel, but in the land of the catty, she feels the most instantly memorable. I have a hard time explaining what it is that draws me to Summer over everyone else to the point that I'm willing to outright dismiss the rest of the cast by proxy. But episode 3 had a dramatic Summer Rae return that maybe found the answer. Here's a few quotes courtesy of my Twitter paraphrasing:

No pleasure in this until the following sentence from Summer to Nattie: "My hair's real, honey. Yours is a fucking mullet."#TotalDivas
— Trey Irby (@BadLuckFalTrey) September 22, 2014

SUMMER WENT HAM. #1 FOREVER. "My legs have cellulite? Get real. These legs made so much fucking money this year."#TotalDivas
— Trey Irby (@BadLuckFalTrey) September 22, 2014

I may have added those fucks for emphasis, but you get the point. Even if Total Divas doesn't grasp Summer Rae, Summer Rae sure as shit grasps what Summer Rae is and tears it apart. When she's allowed to turn this cold, it's a performance that plays like the reality show version of every 2010s Eva Green character. It's that fucking good.

2. Rosa Mendes

I don't think there was anything about Rosa that is all that redeeming, but I also don't think she's a person I can dislike, either. She plays as very honest, maybe because there isn't anything all that interesting other than being a bikini model for Rosa, but I also don't feel like her character on Total Divas is fake or feels fake or however you put a meta-real figure. Maybe I just latch onto rehab stories given my own life and the struggles I've seen with friends and family. Fuck, there's me placing my specific feelings to a general narrative again. Gotta stop that, Trey.

3. Daniel Bryan

Requisite rating. Also didn't act like a dick when a lady said "how are you going to support your family with [the yes chant]" as if she wasn't aware that YES t-shirts and merch are a thing that could keep a dude making money for the rest of time.

4. Everyone else

Here's the thing: in the last three episodes, everyone hasn't felt quite right. It feels kind of dumb listing anyone past the people above because they seem to be vanishing from episode to episode. Ariane and Trinity had a big feud, one with the most absurd ending in Trin hating the hell out of Ariane for wanting to go down to NXT and actually train to be a better performer. Maybe she wouldn't pin someone's back if she had this training, Trin! So no one deserves a spot. And Nattie deserves to be sat down.

↧

Impact Report: We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Wrestling Program

September 23, 2014, 10:30 am

≫ Next: Why I Booed 3.0 at King of Trios

≪ Previous: The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Season 3 Episode 2 and 3 Semi-recap

It's all about EC3, as it should be
Photo Credit: ImpactWrestling.com

Did you guys miss me? I promise I won’t leave you so long next time, but honestly Impact can be an exhausting program to write about on a weekly basis and the show was just not giving me that confidence. I got tired of writing the same thing every week but they’ve been giving me so little to build on lately it’s hard to pull content out of thin air. But the past three weeks have been good to me, so it’s time to excitedly pick apart this carcass of a wrestling show.

Honestly, the past few weeks of Impact have given me some stuff to be hopeful for. I can continue to praise the brilliant Ethan Carter III Meltdown angle, which is honestly some of the smartest storytelling the show has told. I was iffy on Dixie Carter going through the table and I still don’t really think we needed that to happen, but EC3 beating the ever-loving CRAP out of Rhino and shunning his best friend Rockstar Spud as he continues to spiral downwards has been a weird treat. I’m still hoping that he realizes the real enemy here is Bully Ray and the veteran puts over Carter on his way out of TNA. I have low expectations that that’s where this is going but I will continue to enjoy the ride for the time being. This feud not featuring on last week’s show really put a damper on my enjoyment of it, so that should tell you how great it is and really how bad the rest of TNA is right now.

Another new talent getting some good screen time that I’m slightly less excited for is Havok (née Jessicka). With ODB gone Havok gets to fill the “non-traditional female wrestler” hole left behind, and it’s really just nice to see such a great talent get some TV time. The thing that really bugs me about her debut and time spent so far in the Impact ring is that I wish she wasn’t with TNA. While everyone is excited about the future of NXT with all the great new signings they’ve made, let’s lament that fact that so many great women working the indies have probably gotten shamefully passed over. I want to believe that it’s not purely misogyny keeping them from getting WWE jobs they so rightly deserve, but I don’t really know anymore. There’s no excuse for them to still be hiring fashion models and arm wrestlers to fill out their women’s roster and considering the fact that so many of their new hires on the women’s end have left I’m hoping above all hope that their hiring practices change and more women (and men) who are legitimately happy to get in the ring get looked at and get hired. The women’s division can’t be bolstered by Sasha Banks and Bayley forever, folks.

Of course, it wouldn’t be an Impact Report with a lot of complaining, so here we go folks: this Best Of Three Tag Team Title Whatever is so infuriating. They’re going the direction everyone said they were going to go and it makes no sense. Would it have killed them to put The Wolves over hard and then start building some tag teams from people who are going to be sticking around for a while? Instead we’ve got Team 3D, The Hardys, and The Wolves all tied up so nobody really gets the rub from any of this. Matt Hardy and Brother Devon will leave, Bully Ray will leave, and The Wolves will be left looking ok. Maybe with Davey Richards having a broken leg, Eddie Edwards can team up with Jeff Hardy.

But yeah, the past month of Impact Wrestling has been “just ok” with some highlights. But really, “just ok” is better than nothing.

↧

Why I Booed 3.0 at King of Trios

September 23, 2014, 12:30 pm

≫ Next: On "Hiring Models"

≪ Previous: Impact Report: We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Wrestling Program

Their Chikara wrestler characters may be fun and zany, but their in-character Twitters have dabbled in the gross
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

King of Trios weekend, like any mammoth event on the pro wrestling calendar, had its share of big news stories, both within and outside of the narrative. One of the most curious and controversial was the vociferously negative reaction 3Peck0, specifically 3.0, received from the Easton faithful. The reaction spawned a few quizzical reactions at the arena and online. The tag team, after all, should be one of the most beloved in Chikara right now. Scott Parker and Shane Matthews traversed across the fabric of time itself to retrieve Archibald Peck and help turn the tide against The Flood at National Pro Wrestling Day. Even without their contributions towards the rebirth of the company, they are an affable, likeable, talented tag team that has formed part of the backbone of Chikara for almost seven years now.

While I agree with any assessment of their importance in the company, and while in a vacuum I would enjoy the hell out of them, I was among the throng booing 3.0 on Sunday. It had nothing to do with anything they've done during Chikara sanctioned-events, but when you run an in-character Twitter handle that spews misogyny, I can't abide by you when you're performing.

The team's Twitter accounts, most specifically Matthews' (although Parker's dabbled in it as well), had been taking cracks at women in wrestling pretty extensively through last year. The formerly constant jabbing prodded at topics from Amazon Wishlists to blaming everyone in the SHIMMER four-way tag match in 2013 where compatriot LuFisto got hurt for being untrained, but each tweet was been noticeable enough to elicit a backlash. And honestly, in the era of social media, where in-character Twitter feeds are as integral to feud building in American wrestling, anything you post on an account that you associate with your persona is fair game. So when Parker sometimes or Matthews way more frequently went to the well of misogyny on accounts with their branded team name in the at-handle, I am not going to shake them off because they happen to be zany in the ring. Granted, the jabs seem to have stopped, but at the same time, nothing either has said has recanted on them.

Much in the same way that I have reservations rooting for John Cena with his constant use of gendered insults or that Daniel Bryan's casually misogynistic tone when referring to Stephanie McMahon makes me feel gross doing anything but appreciating my favorite wrestler's actual matches, my brain has a hard time connecting the idea that tecnicos would spew such ignorance and blind hate towards women. What's even more gross and confusing is that they continue on such a trend when the biggest company for which they work has at least attempted to make inroads to making women feel represented. Chikara is a company where women compete regularly against men and where Sara del Rey ostensibly was on the inside track to being the place's ace until she got a job as a head trainer at the WWE Performance Center.

I understand that 3.0, Matthews specifically, work as women-hating heels in BATTLEWAR in Quebec. I hate to bring up the idea of market shares or which company has a bigger fanbase, but working sexist shtick for the benefit of a much smaller company at the bereft of more successful characters in a much larger promotion feels short-sighted at the very least. I, personally, am a Chikara fan, and while I might enjoy BATTLEWAR (I've unfortunately never seen any of its shows), I am not asked to cheer for BATTLEWAR characters when I go to a Chikara show. Unfortunately, Twitter doesn't have a distinction without having separate accounts. I don't want to fantasy book someone's social media presence either, but unfortunately, what I see is what I get, and I really don't like what I'm being presented. So, am I supposed to cheer something that I don't like? If so, then what's the reason? Tell me, because I frankly have no clue.

So yeah, unless something radically changes in their Twitter games, I won't be cheering Matthews or Parker anymore. The people who also have decided to boo them are well within their rights to do so as well. Just because a wrestling company, whether Chikara, WWE, or West Podunk Wrestling at the shitty little VFW in Backwater, USA, wants me to view someone as a babyface or a heel doesn't mean I, or anyone else, necessarily has to. If 3.0 want to work a he-man woman-hater character on Twitter, they're well within their rights too, but they should probably deal with consequences, intended or unintended. If that means they get booed at the biggest promotion for which they work, so be it, because I really don't care how I'm "supposed" to react to anyone. If someone works a gross character arc on a sanctioned social media account, then odds are, I'm not going to react positively to them when they step out of the curtain to perform.

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On "Hiring Models"

September 23, 2014, 2:30 pm

≫ Next: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show, Ep. 153

≪ Previous: Why I Booed 3.0 at King of Trios

Nikki Bella may have been a model first, but she's growing into a perfectly cromulent wrestler
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Nikki Bella in the last two days has shown the capacity to be a complete WWE superstar. While her promo skills are still a little off (still better than her sister by light years), the two matches in which she wrestled saw her assume a distinct in-ring character, wrestle not just as capably as she ever has but to a level befitting someone on the roster, and she helped enhance a major story over the Divas Championship. The sample size right now is small - one couplet of matches and a few months of being slightly better than her blood is far from definitive - but Bella could end up being yet another vindication of the criticism that the "hiring models" technique doesn't yield anything but no-talent hacks who can't do anything but look pretty.

While this practice had set back the development of the Divas division for a good eight years or so, it had not a whole lot to do with the women who were hired. Blaming someone for taking the opportunity to get fame and decent pay is short-sighted and hypocritical at the very least, and continuing to blame them despite the fact that systemic factors within the company have been revealed, both through the finished product and through backstage reports, that worked against them is ignorant. If someone can't do the job because they haven't been trained properly, how can one blame the employee and not the people tasked with training them?

Despite the toxic environment for women that existed and exists in WWE thanks to fiends like Vince McMahon, Kevin Dunn, and John Laurinaitis, some "models" actually succeeded in turning in worthwhile performances. Eve Torres eventually became a stunning heat magnet who rounded about in the ring. Kaitlyn had zero experience and was hired specifically for her looks, and yet she always had oodles of personality, especially when paired with the right partners on-screen. Layla El, Maryse Ouellet, Summer Rae, and Michelle McCool all came from non-wrestling backgrounds to have careers of varying providence in the company, some of which continue today. Hell, the woman who is considered the greatest performer of all-time for her gender, Trish Stratus, was a fitness model.

Granted, if given the choice between a nameless face who would be unknown to me before her WWE debut one of the countless, talented women already wrestling on the indie/non-WWE scene, I would choose the latter in terms of whom I would want to be hired. The people I've watched for years now are the ones I've grown attached to and want to see make real money doing this wrestling thing. Even if the gender wage gap exists in WWE, a woman will still be able to make more wrestling for the biggest wrestling company in the world than she would doing it for TNA or a random assortment of independents stateside at least.

But good wrestlers can come from all different kinds of backgrounds, and I think automatically dismissing a woman because she doesn't come from a wrestling background is dubious to say the least. Especially now, WWE has the most rigorous focus on women that it's ever had. It has Sara del Rey at the Performance Center coaching up the women, NXT's Women's Championship division is booked exactly as the men's divisions are, and the Divas on the main roster are receiving the best attention arguably since Alundra Blayze wrestled a monster of the month from the various Japanese joshi promotions.

To say WWE's attitudes towards women right now are as good as the men or even healthy may not be a valid statement, of course. Things are getting better, but the Attitude Era plunged the treatment of women so far down the ladder that the work needed to be done to get back to 1996 levels is daunting. But the hiring practices have nothing to do with the state of play. Treatment, training, development, and the aptitudes of the individual performers are the factors as to whether a woman will succeed in the company.

Nikki Bella may not have competed in SHIMMER or proven herself in Japan, but she's proving herself capable of improving to the point where she has to be mentioned for the future of women in the company. Whether wrestler, model, teacher, dancer, or even housewife, background shouldn't be a prerequisite for support or projection of future success. As long as WWE continues to improve the state of women and train them properly, the future for any potential woman's wrestler should remain somewhat similar in ceiling, or at least similar in scale to the prospects of what the men have.

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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show, Ep. 153

September 24, 2014, 4:30 am

≫ Next: Best Coast Bias: The Second Domino Falls

≪ Previous: On "Hiring Models"

Austin recounts a tale where his wife nearly died this episode
Photo Credit: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 153
Run Time: 1:23:46
Guest: Kristin Austin

Summary: Steve is still on location in Georgia, but now his wife Kristin has joined him for a visit. They talk quite a bit about her arrival and how she almost drowned in the lake by taking a wrong step off the pier. Eventually Austin answers a few reader emails, the conversation turns to wresting at 54:47, with talk about calling matches in the ring, future guests, Steve’s relationship with Bob Holly, Joe Rogan’s thoughts on professional wrestling, Brock Lesnar’s booking in 2014 including the Night of Champions main event, Sheamus vs. Cesaro, and the void Roman Reigns’ injury creates before ending with the Match of the Week, Harley Race vs. Ric Flair at Starrcade 1983.

Quote of the week: Regarding the end of Cena-Lesnar at Night of Champions: “It wasn’t one of those things that totally turned me off or totally bummed me out, but they were having a damn good match. It could have been a frog’s hair better, and it would have been great to see how it unfolded had they been given another 10 to 12 minutes, what the finish would have been. But also, given that 10 or 12 minutes, (there) needed to be some more movement and action. You can only pound a guy so much before enough is enough.… I’m not talking about crazy, high-risk maneuvers, I’m just talking about putting some exclamation points into a match that was filled with commas and periods.”

Why you should listen: OK, the part where Kristin fell in the lake was actually something of a harrowing tale. If you skip straight to the wrestling talk, it’s nice to have it fairly well condensed in the final half hour rather than scattered throughout as usually happens with his Q&A shows. Cesaro fans will be interested in hearing Austin’s take on the Swiss superman, and unlike Jim Ross, Austin seems to be able to review the current product without his praise or criticism swinging too far in either direction.

Why you should skip it: There’s really not much new information or insight. If you’re looking for a deep breakdown of Night of Champions in podcast form, you certainly have better options, and I’m including what I assume will be a decent Cheap Heat later this week. Also, Austin has no interest in stoking a fire regarding Rogan, so don’t look for any hot takes.

Final thoughts: The beauty of podcasts is not having to listen to the full show, or at all. Austin is great at discussing the current WWE product without coming off as a cranky veteran, and he seems to be not only a fan of the show but also genuinely interested in seeing younger performers follow the trail he blazed. It’s always better to hear Austin’s frank discussion of what actually happened on camera than Ross’ conjecture about what should be done differently going forward, and Austin delivers his takes without a hint of self-righteousness. This is probably his best “no guest” show in recent weeks (no offense to his wife), but that’s not a high bar to clear. Certainly the last half hour is entertaining and relevant, if nothing else.

↧

Best Coast Bias: The Second Domino Falls

September 24, 2014, 6:30 am

≫ Next: Your Midweek Links: The Future Is Now

≪ Previous: I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show, Ep. 153

...see, wh-wha--wha--well, this is the thing--wha had happened was..
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Before the first post Fatal 4 Way episode of NXT launched, you could've made the argument about all the "somebody's about to turn heel the center cannot hold things fall apart" line of paranoid thinking that underscored the ending of the title match between Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville.

An hour later, an old chestnut came to mind. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong.

Considering they're NXT's brightest lights, there's no way they should've lost to Tyson Kidd and Special Guest Star Titus O'Neil. In 2014 the U of F grad has been to the win-loss column what Roger Goodell has been to transparency. Tyson Kidd's seen the Red Arrow more times than a production tech. And yet, makeshift as they were, they came out on top in the main event, leaving the fans and Zayn wondering (even if it was said to the Champion without the aid of a microphone) "What happened?" The end - which saw Zayn being escorted from the ring while O'Neil shoved Neville off the top into Kidd's knees and subsequently cradled - is blameless. TnT both took advantage of small windows of opportunities and made them pay off to the maximum. Zayn was late on the save because who loses to a cradle in 2014? All perfectly understandable and completely vegan; you can't find any beef there.

Now the Teddy Long Special that kicked off the program...whelp, that's something different entirely. O'Neil came out to be horribly smug about being a main roster superstar, conveniently ignoring the We Want Darren chants in the progress. Zayn came out to call him a giant buffoon who couldn't win a match to save his life -- it's the accurate slams that leave the big emotional wounds -- and noted per the last RAW while he was being a Monty Python member and getting thwarted by a bunny, he and Neville (and by dint Kidd and Breeze) were stealing the show. Neville came out and immediately addressed...Zayn, and said if anybody showed up disrespecting NXT he'd put them in check to defend it. Zayn basically called him a self-elected white knight and said he was the only one who could defend Full Sail because he had the Big X, was that it? Seeing such an opportunity for pot-stirring it's a wonder Tyson Kidd didn't come out with a big wooden spoon and a big white hat on his head. Kidd's saying he was a little disappointed in how Neville retained the belt but he would've done the same had he been Champion allowed Zayn to note while he wasn't mad and Adrian did what he had to do maybe from a moral standpoint, he wouldn't've done that. Literally the next thing out of Neville's mouth in response was to say that's why he'll never be NXT Champion. Three things.

DAMN SON. How many missile launchers does it take for you to get rid of ants, Champ?
If somebody purported to be my best friend, no matter how good they were, and they came at me like that with that kind of a blindside shot I'd be liable to be a half second away from catching a case.
When the inevitable video package happens no matter who goes Full Gollum, this will properly be highlighted as the fulcrum where it became less about friendship and more about the belt.

Regal came out to make the obvious official, and then even their good start was marred by yards of side-eyes, blind tags, and in general an intrateam game of "Can You Top This?" culminating in going to break with Zayn cutting off a possible Neville dive to the outside with his own Arabian press suicida mirroring Adrian cutting him off the prior week with a sky-high Asai in the fatal fourway. Then they came back from the break, and Titus powered them around while Kidd got in the cheap shots where he could. Especially given the opening and the fact Tyson Kidd was in the ring, it was a possibility that when Zayn extended his arm it was going to be to the breeze left by a departing tag partner. But no, The Man That Gravity Forgot came in and did his usual shredding of Kidd, and then all the axels blew out at once and everybody was looking at each other in a manner that calls to mind the scientific term "...wait, what?" After some discussion as we faded to black, Sami gave Neville a couple of claps on the shoulder. But don't Tyson yourself: the war for the belt is coming, and it might be the man who's willing to be the bigger jerkface that'll end up walking away with it.

That'd put whoever it is at a par just above the Ascension, who made sure the debuting Hideo Itami won the battle but lost the war by laying him out after he bested Justin Gabriel, culminating in the Fall Of Man. This being NXT and everything, they waited for him to win the match (spoiler alert: he kicks. A LOT. And it's awesome) by putting the bow on it with a Perro Aguayoesque double stomp off the top, but they still did it; maybe it was to get them in shape before taking on the Lucha Dragons next week for the belts in their contractually obligated rematch. But still, screw those guys. You are the reverse of Baron Corbin, who again express laned CJ Parker moveswise before putting him down with his End of Days elevated reverse STO.

But interestingly, in a spectrum well-defined, Charlotte seems to be thwarting it in her long march up the ladder as the Women's Champion. Seeing Emma back down Florida way had to warm the cockles of even the grumpiest out there, in addition to wishful thinking that she stay around possibly forever rather than go to the bumbling incompetence of main event plotting, but she looked slightly off in places during the match while Charlotte through ability and attitude looked every single bit the role she was born to play of conquering Champion before eventually putting another win on the board with a vicious and downright Rude neckbreaker setting up the Natural Selection. To be entirely truthful, Emma sort of brought it on herself by slapping the belt out of Charlotte's hand, even if Ms. Flair had been holding up the belt in her face beforehand.

See, that's the thing about NXT irregardless of gender and why all the longtime fans flock to it like diabetics to inhalers; the belts matter here, and are treated like such.

No matter what morals you may have to distort, if not outright abort, to get them.

↧

Your Midweek Links: The Future Is Now

September 24, 2014, 8:30 am

≫ Next: Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 3

≪ Previous: Best Coast Bias: The Second Domino Falls

KENTA, err, I mean Hideo Itami is part of the new school
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Wrestling Links:

- The leaders of the new school [WWE.com]

- The Best and Worst of Night of Champions [With Spandex]

- What we learned from Night of Champions [SB Nation]

- Bang for Your Buck PPV Review: Night of Champions [Juice Make Sugar]

- A first look at Lucha Underground [With Spandex]

- Rusev's role in WWE [TJR Wrestling]

- A Bunch of Fives: Gone too soon [Ringbelles]

- The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling: A Blue Manik for Less Green [With Spandex]

- The renaissance of TNA Wrestling and why it might be doomed anyway [VICE Sports]

- The Greatest Pranks in WWE History [WWE.com]

- The Best and Worst of RAW: #NextGeneration [With Spandex]

- WWE Power Rankings: The Top 50 Superstars [Wrestling on Earth]

- The Art of Gimmickry: The Overly Latino Wrestler [Old School Jabronis]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- A gentleman's guide to sex in prison [The Concourse]

- The online legacy of suicide cults and the webmasters they leave behind [Gizmodo]

- I RODE A HORSE [Black Heart Gold Pants]

- Poor people do not just blow any money they get [Gawker]

- Why do people hit their kids? [The Concourse]

- Rice case: Purposeful misdirection by team, scant investigation from NFL [ESPN]

- There is now a trust gap with Peter King [Awful Announcing]

- The NFL is using sick retirees as hostages [VICE Sports]

- The NFL's useful idiots want Roger Goodell to be tough on domestic violence [Deadspin]

- Chart Party: The NFL in Florida is sad as hell [SB Nation]

- Good, honest football: Rewatching the XFL [Mental Floss]

- The Moby Dick is Minor League Baseball's whale of a sandwich [SB Nation]

- Happy 50th birthday, Pop Tarts! Ranking the most delicious flavors [UPROXX]

- Here are some of the silliest fast food breakfast items [Kitchenette]

- Yuengling sucks [The Concourse]

- How to make pasta with leeks and prosciutto, while there's still time [Foodspin]

- Eight things that Anita Sarkeesian says that gamers should come to terms with [Topless Robot]

- The Grand Dream: An ode to the imagination of Chrono Trigger [Observation Deck]

- Soccer can't fix shit in Israel or anywhere else [VICE Sports]

- The story behind Harold Ramis' and Bill Murray's 21 year rift [Film Drunk]

- Every episode from LOST, ranked [Rankings]

- The LOST cast's post-LOST careers, ranked [The Concourse]

- Ten years later, the 16 best moments from LOST [Pajiba]

- Eight things you probably didn't know about Zoolander [Film Drunk]

↧

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 3

September 24, 2014, 10:30 am

≫ Next: Inspire Pro Wrestling Is Bringing Out the HOSS

≪ Previous: Your Midweek Links: The Future Is Now

Hogan gets a retraction!
Photo via @HulkHogan

HORB FLERBMINBER is back once again with 30 pounds of news shoved into a five pound bag. I have so many scoops for you that Tidy Cat is suing me for gimmick infringement. Of course, I have the law offices of Plagueis, Shandor, and Morgoth working DAY AND NIGHT to make sure I win that suit. In fact, junior partner Bankley Morintomoson said I have a 32.5% chance of NOT going to debtor's jail. THAT'S ALMOST A THIRD. However, my lawyers have also informed me that the delivery of MINED SCOOPS will be INTERRUPTED this week because I have several injunctions filed against me from the state of Louisiana, the commonwealth of Kentucky, the Hennepin County Chamber of Commerce, the Better Business Bureau, and the estate of Paul Lynde on false reporting of news. TECHNICALITIES. People just can't handle the raw and REAL nature of my nuggets. Anyway, this week, I have to print retractions. Before I get to those, I have some business to handle.

First, if you need to contact me with vital information about CM Punk, Sting, CM Sting, Punk M. Borden, or any other unholy hybridization of those two wrestlers, please contact me POST HASTE at ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. I must know ALL of the news as it happens or else my mucus membranes will dry out and I will DIE. Do you want my soul on your conscience? DO YOU? Second, if you can't wait for me to remember my e-mail password, you should totally follow me on Twitter at @HorbFlerbminber. I dispense the most BREAKING of scoops in 140 characters or fewer.

Also, if you can't get enough of my news and want to hear my smooth, sensual voice, then you're in luck because I have a hotline now. Call (888) 235-3596 for all the hottest NEWS, the steamiest RUMORS, and the raunchiest GOSSIP. It's $4.99 for the first minute and $1.99 for each subsequent minute, and I give DEEP DISCOUNTS to those who call for over three hours at a time. Kids, you do NOT need your parents' permission to call this line either.

Additionally, I have instituted a petsitting service around the nation. My network of PET PROFESSIONALS will take care of your animal friends and feed them nothing but the best generic store brand corn flakes and canned chicken. My PROFESSIONALS know animals, because they come from the finest Conrail train cars. NO CSX LOSERS FOR ME. Anyway, we have babysat for ALL THE WRESTLING pets as well, from Kizarny's pet spider to Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella's french bulldog! In fact, here's a testimonial from Teddy Hart from the time we watched his cat, Mr. Money:

Who the fuck are you? I'm trying to watch a show. GET OUT OF MY FACE.

Another satisfied customer!

If you would like to order back issues of PRO WRESTLING SKOOPZ, then lol, look at you trying to order from archives that burnt down in the great Sheboygan Flophouse District Fire of Aught Six. However, here are some highlights you may have missed if you haven't been a subscriber since DAY ONE.

1/4/13699997986 BC - We thoroughly review The Big Bang and its effects on business worldwide. I analyze the mistakes made and how the early Universe failed to create stars right away. I also have an exclusive interview with Dory Funk, Jr.
4/9/33 - The business ramifications of Jesus Christ's crucifixion and subsequent resurrection are analyzed. Staff writer Barnabas of Yafo has the SCOOP that the resurrected Christ was an impostor, setting up for a big Jesus vs. Jesus match at the big Coliseum house show for the Rome territory.
10/9/1975 - We cover the big plane crash, which consists of calling everyone who was on board and WASN'T back in the ring within a week a giant, throbbing pussy.
4/4/1985 - In my most regrettable issue ever, I completely ignore WrestleMania instead opting to go all in on covering Yugoslavia's Tito Wrestling Fest for Free Peoples.
5/4/1995 - FULL COVERAGE of the Collision in Korea, including a 34 page analysis of the great and glorious Democratic People's Republic of North Korea by guest analyst Kim Jong-Il.
6/24/1999 - Nothing special really happened this week, but I printed a full size centerfold of my penis.
6/28/2007 - The life and times of Chris Benoit, including several pages of conspiracy theories about how he wasn't the real killer and instead was the victim of an elaborate setup perpetrated by Kevin Sullivan, Mongo McMichael, George W. Bush, Louis Anderson, and Elian Gonzalez, written by a group of people who'd go on to found Reddit's EXCELLENT subforum on pro wrestling, r/SquaredCircle.

Also, be sure to check out my ass. I've been doing squats at the gym lately.

Alright, now, usually my reporting is SPOTLESS and ACCURATE, but sometimes, even ol' Horbie makes some mistakes. In accordance with the terms of my parole, and under threat of litigation from Dave Meltzer, Mike Mooneyham, Satoshi Tajiri, OctoMom, and the Ku Klux Klan, I am compelled to write the following list of retractions of news stories I have printed recently.

- Contrary to my report on WWE releases, Brodus Clay was not released from his contract because of chronic and odoriferous flatulence. As it turns out, WWE released him because it had reached its self-imposed quota of African-American wrestlers and needed to release someone so it could sign Willie Mack.

- I recently reported that Sting would release a smooth jazz album with Paul Simon and Ric Flair. This report was erroneous. He's actually playing guest bass on three tracks on the next UltraMantis Black LP.

- This past week, I reported that Ric Flair would be working on WWE's tour of Mexico. As it turns out, he was working in the country for the White Widow Enterprises cartel muling coke into the United States in an attempt to work of his massive debts.

- I'm Jon"Bones"Jonesreportedabandoned byUFC.Itisinside theUFOsuspendedinthe liquid,justa week afteraglove.

- I reported that Mad Men, season 4, episode 6 contained a reference to pro wrestling, but this report was false. As it turns out, Don Draper just burped.

- My report that stated "pro wrestling and mixed-martial arts are two different things." THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME. ALWAYS.

- I misattributed reports of Vince McMahon's impending demise to the Weekly World News, when in fact, Bryan Alvarez originally reported it in the Figure Four Weekly.

- As it turns out, the average weight of a human testicle is 17.2 grams, not 17.2 kilotons. I regret this error.

- The quote, "We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender," was actually said by Winston Churchill in 1940, not by Emma on the 9/4/14 episode of Superstars.

- During my detailed rundown of Hulk Hogan's filmography on Monday in response to his tweet about going to see Ninga Turtles, I omitted his starring role in Untitled Hulk Hogan Sex Tape (2012). This omission was a mistake, I assure you.

- The following is a list of things I erroneously reported as being ribs on Renee Young for wearing shoes. They were NOT ribs on Renee Young for wearing shoes:

Darren Young coming out of the closet
The finish to Brock Lesnar/John Cena at both Extreme Rules '12 and Night of Champions '14
Booker T's continued employment as a WWE talking head
Benghazi
CM Punk walking out of WWE
Hulk Hogan saying Silverdome instead of Superdome
Sami Zayn's eternal NXT losing streak
The fall of the Roman Empire
@GayHooters
Young's position in the Superstars broadcast booth
The rise of Communism in Russia

- I erroneously reported that CM Punk was miffed, when as it turns out, he is currently unpleasant.

- Last week's poll results are as follows: 44% of you gave Night of Champions thumbs down, 26% thumbs WAY down, 21% genetically engineering a third thumb to put down with the other two, and 9% spent Sunday night pleasuring yourselves to old UFC footage instead. Here's this week's poll:

WHAT NON DIRT SHEET WRITER SHOULD WE GANG UP ON NEXT?

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