The Wrestling Blog

BABBY!

So, as you may or may not have noticed, The Wrestling Blog went dark after Butch's Main Event Best Coast Bias. I didn't plan on this happening, mainly because I didn't plan on the phonecall I got at around 10 AM coming to me. My wife, Amanda, was expecting our second child, and she was going in for a routine non-stress test. Apparently, the doctors didn't like what they saw and decided that the baby would be better off being treated outside of the womb than inside of it. The summarized version, Josephine Olivia Holzerman was welcomed into this world at 11:23 AM yesterday. Although we got a fright with the initial prognosis and decision, the little lady is doing just fine right now, as fine as a baby born at 34 weeks can be. We still have some trepidation going forward, but things are looking plenty optimistic for mommy and baby.

With all that being said, my wife underwent major surgery - an emergency Caesarean section is no joke - and she'll be in the hospital until Saturday. In addition to doting on her and my new baby daughter AND my three-year old son, I'll need to do some things around the house to prepare for Josie coming home (so good). That means for the next couple of days, I'm not going to have a whole lot of time to write about human beings play-fighting in their underwear and the social implications of said play-fighting, at least until Monday. So for today and tomorrow, I'm putting the Blogger interface down completely. I hope you guys understand.

If you're in the market for quality wrestling reading in place of TWB, well, my reply is you should have a full reader of the sites I'm about to recommend anyway. Reading one writer/troupe of writers is kinda dull. But anyway, you can get your fixes at the following places:

International Object - Sawyer Paul's short bursts with the longer read sprinkled in are the most must-read site on the web for wrestling. DO IT.
With Spandex - Brandon Stroud and his staff have a similar rate of postage each day, and all the writers there are informed and entertaining in their own way.
Voices of Wrestling - These guys are a bit more business-oriented than TWB is, but they provide an informed take whenever they publish. Right now, they're in full Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame mode, so if that is your thing, you'll be in hog heaven.
WrassleRap - Wrestling writing with a hip-hop edge. Even if you're in the "everything BUT RAP AND COUNTRY" crowd, give 'em a read.
4CRWrestling - Mostly consisting of podcasts, a lot of folks I enjoy happen to ply their wares there.
@SavedYouAKliq - I wrote about this account earlier this week, but if you need news without the fluff, check 'em out.
WrestleChat - If you refuse to partake in the click-saving nature of the previous account and HAVE to give a site your clicks, then WC.net is probably the best bet.
Wrestling On Earth - This site is NOT for jabronie marks, brother.

Also, check out Camel Clutch Blog, Old School Jabronis, and Ring Belles, and also keep your eyes peeled for whenever Bill Hanstock, Tom Breihan, or David Shoemaker write about wrestling at their respective sites. A crazy amount of talented people are writing about wrestling out there. While I'd like to think I and my staff are part of that cadre, I'd be foolish and disrespectful to assume we're the only ones. So fill the void with the above if you aren't already, and The Wrestling Blog will be back in action on Monday.

Hopefully, you'll find the latest Ross Report less painful than Magnum TA found this Tully Blanchard headlock
Screen Grab: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: The Ross Report
Episode: 33
Run Time: 1:29:40
Guest: Magnum TA

Summary: JR has a brief monologue, but the bulk of the show is a walk though the six years of Magnum TA’s pro wrestling career. They talk about the unique way he entered the business and go over his relationships with legendary promoters like Ernie Ladd, Mike Graham, Bill Watts and Dusty Rhodes as well as his historic matches with Nikita Koloff and Tully Blanchard. There also is some discussion about his unusual family life, the days and years after the car accident that ended TA’s career and his stepdaughter’s prospects for success in the ring.

Quote of the week: On starting on steroids with Ray “Hercules” Hernandez: “Ray was about 218 and I was about 230. Ray just had a whole bag full of chemical goodies to make you get big and strong. And he and I, young stallions that we were, decided we were going to be monsters. And in a period of literally less than 60 days, I was up to 270 pounds, and Ray was right behind me. … I had in my mind I was going to 300 pounds. I was going to be as big as the Road Warriors. I walked in the dressing room, I think it was Corpus Christi. I’ll never forget it. It impacted my life like a lightning bolt. Bruiser Brody was sitting there. He looked up at me and said, ‘Kid, you look amazing. … But I’ve got to tell you something. If you become a star based on what you’re doing to look like you’re looking right now, and getting bigger every day,’ he said, ‘you’ve written your own epitaph. Because to maintain that, year round, 12 months out of the year, it will kill you.’ He said, ‘Learn how to work and find a size that you can maintain as naturally as possible year round.’ ”

Why you should listen: One fear when JR brings on an old-timer is there will be copious complaining about the business nowadays, but there’s really none of that here. TA has some fascinating stories about learning his way in the early stages of his career and his speculation about what might have been comes off as insightful given his particular perspective rather than being laden with lament over lost opportunity. For many listeners these will be fresh stories, certainly more illuminating than one more discussion about backstage WCW politics or the Montreal Screwjob.

Why you should skip it: This show is not going to give you a new appreciation for Magnum TA’s wrestling career, especially if you’re wholly unfamiliar with his work. Only watching his matches and listening to his peers will deliver that kind of enhancement. Further, if you’re hoping for a great deal of focus on the car accident, look elsewhere. It’s not ignored wholly, but is part of the conversation only to focus on the short- and long-term aftermath.

Final thoughts: If you buy into JR’s hype about this being the most inspirational Ross Report episode, well, technically it does rise above the previous 32 in that regard. But the only thing close to inspiring comes near the end where Magnum discusses what influenced his mentality during recovery from the accident. Beyond that, it’s mostly just another old wrestler talking about the business in the 1980s. That’s not a complaint — it’s certainly a better way to learn about Magnum’s career than just reading his Wikipedia page. If you’re not a fan of Southern wrestling, none of these stories will have much impact. But if you followed the NWA territories in the early 1980s, or like to lear about them now, the supernova career of Magnum TA is an essential component, and tapping into those memories is certainly worthy of your time.

Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed
Episode: 156
Run Time: 1:30:05
Guest: Chris Collins

Summary: Stone Cold is finishing his stint in Hartwell, GA, filming the next season of Redneck Island. He’s joined this week by Chris Collins, who works closely with Steve during the run of the show. The main part of the show is a chat between the two about life in LA, working in television, the current football season, social media, television screens at gas stations, shoes, music, Waffle House and shaved heads. About 83 minutes in, Steve gets to his match of the week, Paul Orndorff vs. “Cowboy” Bob Orton from The Wrestling Classic on Nov. 7, 1985, at Chicago’s Rosemont Horizon.

Quote of the week: Austin on Collins’ shoe collection: “Dude, man, I mean, c’mon man!”

Why you should listen: If you want to feel like you’re eavesdropping on a day in Austin’s life, here you go.

Why you should skip it: No offense to Mr. Collins, but he makes Ted Fowler seem like a veteran second banana.

Final thoughts: I’d like to put a little more thought into this analysis, but this is one of the most forgettable episodes in the show’s history. There is almost no mention of wrestling (outside a brief reference to Rick Rude’s pre-WWF entrance music) and the guest is nearly devoid of redeeming qualities. It seems Chris is a decent human who is good at his job, but he’s simply uninteresting. I’d rather listen to another conversation with a contestant from one of Austin’s reality shows (which I don’t watch) or hear an actual in-depth interview about the production side of the business. This is neither, and it’s not good.

Show: Art Of Wrestling
Episode: 218
Run Time: 1:04:39
Guest: Cliff Compton

Summary: Mr. 1859 is back on Art of Wrestling almost four years after his first appearance. Compton starts by discussing the value of wrestlers appearing on the show, his work in Europe and Africa and the recent explosion of wrestling podcasts. Eventually the talk shifts to Compton’s current career, including false starts with WWE since episode 59, private gigs and a long story about being booked to appear at a bachelorette party. They end with a few Andrew Dice Clay-inspired naught nursery rhymes with Cabana as the butt of each joke.

Quote of the week:“It baffles me. People go, ‘Oh, I always envisioned you as just Domino.’ You fucking think I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and go, ‘Hey! How you doin’? Oh!’ I’m playing a character. You think Sylvester Stallone gets up and just starts shadow boxing and thinks he’s Rocky? It blows my mind. They’re like, “Oh, I didn’t know Cliff was like that.’ I go, ‘What did you think I was like?’ … Everyone always says, ‘Oh, my wrestling character is just an extension of my personality with the volume turned up.’ That’s fucking bullshit. You know what I mean? Everyone’s out there playing a character.”

Why you should listen: Compton’s a great storyteller, and he isn’t wrong when he says he’s matured a bit since episode 18. He’s still raunchy and quick to dominate a conversation, but a careful listen here does exactly what Colt’s show is supposed to do: makes you consider what it means to be an independent professional wrestler in every aspect outside the ropes. Shows like this shed light on the lifestyle someone chooses when they decide to make wrestling their career and humanize the performers in a way you’ll likely never get from a Podcast One show interview with a member of the WWE Hall of Fame.

Why you should skip it: If the explicit language and dick jokes make you uncomfortable, take a pass. For sure don’t listen with your kids in the car. The “Dice” bit at the end likely isn’t worth your time, though if you’ve made it that far you might as well ride it out to the close.

Final thoughts: I didn’t expect to like this one, and at the outset it wasn’t clicking for me. But once Compton started exploring the difference between himself and his most famous character, it started to become compelling, even though he never really dropped his “always on” personality. The punchline of the bachelorette party story isn’t completely worth the setup, but it did elicit a genuine laugh. Colt is very selective about who gets repeat appearances on the show, and while that makes curating a guest list a much taller order, the variety is much appreciated amongst listeners. But credit where it’s due, this return visit from Compton is one of the stronger episodes in recent memory.

For the first time since JoshiMania, Chikara's BACK at The Arena
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

For the first time since Aniversario: Never Compromise, Chikara will be returning to Philadelphia proper, and for the first time in 1100 days, since JoshiMania Night One, the promotion will make its grand return to the former ECW Arena. Tomorrow Never Dies, the Season 14 finale, will emanate from the newly-christened 2300 Arena on December 6. The Arena went on a break from hosting wrestling shows after EVOLVE 10, as the new buyers attempted at transforming the legendary wrestling venue into a concert hall. However, politics and institutional turmoil never let those plans come to fruition. Other wrestling promotions have run shows at the venue in the iconic arena, including House of Hardcore and Masked Republic, but Chikara's return is a homecoming at least and a hard grand reopening for wrestling at the arena at best.

The writing was on the wall for the promotion returning to Swanson and Ritner when it was announced that its wrestling school, the Chikara Wrestle Factory, would return to the building. Personally, I thought King of Trios would be the return event, but the big homecoming turned out to be saved for the final event of the return season. While the Easton Funplex is still the best place to see Chikara, the Arena remains a close second. Plus, it has the added benefit of being in the thick of South Philadelphia, and selfishly, it's only five minutes from my house. But my bet is none of you care about that.

Anyway, the show will get underway at 7PM local time, which is a much later than normal start time for a typical Chikara Sunday show. No matches have been announced yet, but at least four shows are on tap between now and then. I expect a fifth show, Cibernetico in Easton, to be announced for December 5, but that is just a guess. You can buy tickets now via the 2300 Arena's site. Get excited, because not only will this show be the end to one of the most tumultuous stretches in Chikara history, but it should be a grand return to one of indie wrestling's signature arenas.

ETA: December 6 is actually a Saturday. Your intrepid blogger sucks at calendars.

[RUPTURE INTENSIFIES]
Photo Credit: WWE.com

For two people in the midst of their first title reigns down Full Sail way, Adrian Neville and Charlotte seem to be runaway trains on parallel tracks, at least when it comes to going through any opposition in front of them. While not at Lesnarian eat-sleep-conquer-repeat levels of dominance, both the Jumping Geordie and the Flair of NXT have proven themselves to be the definitions of Champions, rising to the occasion time and again to keep their gold to the point where they may be considered the best type of Champion in their individual divisions that NXT's ever had.

The main point of separation seems to be mainly this after the first October installment dubbed Championship week that featured them bookending the program with successful title defenses against long-time rivals that they may have vanquished once and for all: having put down a challenge, Charlotte seems to be next in line to go in against an ex-friend; having put down a final challenge, Neville seems to be next in line to become an ex-friend (though whether he's the impetus or reacting to this rift is, for now, still up in the air).

So let's begin how the show ended, with Tyson Kidd's final attempt to gain the Big X going down at the hands of another Red Arrow. Akin to Fatal 4 Way, it was the moments right beforehand that'll probably get the most memorable with more hindsight behind it. Having secured a prime first-row seat but not showing up until right before the main event, Titus O'Neil was in prime position to help his new friend TK by yanking Neville down harshly on the outside. But when he tried to further his advances Sami Zayn was able to run in from the back and absolutely murk the self-proclaimed Real Deal from out of nowhere with literally a Helluva Kick that hit him so hard he ended up on the floor at ringside. With Zayn cheering on the Champion from a small distance and exhorting him to get up, The Man That Gravity Forgot managed to get himself back into the ring just before he was counted out, then only took two more moves to TC of B by countering Kidd and knocking him off the top before uncorking his signature corkscrew Shooting Star Press.

Neville was so busy celebrating post-match after he got confirmation from the referee that he'd secured the three-count (in a nice nod to having his head bounced off the floor not two minutes previous) that it took him some while to notice Zayn on the rampway. Once that happened they exchanged words without the microphone, and at this point their motivations with the help of portable amplification or not are as easy to read as a stop sign. Neville was probably wondering what brought Zayn out to be in his business, with him pointing to the fallen former Gator as both a sign of having his back and exactly what a future without Zayn's support system could entail. Kidd could sit chagrined and disappointed in the corner all that he wanted, eerily echoing Zayn after literally every NXT live special match he's been in this year, but while this wasn't quite the third domino a breeze is about to set everything else in motion and you don't need to skip ahead pages to find that out. It should also be noted that there were smatterings of support for Kidd and even a few No More Neville chants early, but the champ didn't let any of that deter him from delivering a win on points even before the end game and dusting off some familiars from their previous encounters (gamengiris from the floor, the Better Than Batista Bomb after landing on his feet out of a super sunset bomb attempt, et al). And it wasn't like he was widely reviled. But there's something there that wasn't before; only time will tell if his heart is the one that turns as a result of it.

Who can tell if Charlotte's is turning? When she's been as on point as she has been since the summer, who really cares? She may just be approaching pure conduit level in which she can adapt against whoever whenever -- you know, the sort of woman who can slap five with a little kid on the way to the ring but not 90 seconds later try to knock Bayley down with her opening salvo just by running the ropes full-speed in the hopes of catching her sleeping as she went for the first time that they met a couple weeks previous. Bayley started off the match pretty well and with full crowd support per usual, firing off flash pinfalls and armdrags aplenty, but against a Flair in a Championship match once she got off one big attack to the leg it set up the rest. Please, please, try to contain your shock.

Once that happened, Charlotte had the crowd, viewers, and announcers alike agog at just how tuned her her offense has gotten over time. Her kneebar leading into the break had oohs coming out of mouths everywhere, and that was before she combined her figure four with a Matrishian bridge that could've easily finished things off. For once when announcers were saying things akin to "I've never seen anything like that in my life" it felt like a truth a fan would think at home and not a thing to bang the dauber for at Soundbite Bingo. Bayley limped her way through a short comeback but the moment she got in a two-count Charlotte immediately came back and finished it off with her quickly-becoming-trademark Rude Awakening + Natural Selection = Hit My Music. Charlotte eventually helped Bayley up and even hugged her, but she was standing center ring with the strap letting out a whoo and letting everybody know which queen in NXT's 2014 reigns supreme. Good luck, Sasha, and way to jump Bayley backstage when she was down already. Ratchet or not, you're gonna need it.

Given the fact the Championship matches got the bulk of the show with four segments, you could be forgiven for thinking the rest of it was just a bitter dwindle. But, c'mon. This is NXT. This is the safe space. It's not like that here. Instead of having a match with their smaller half going in against Hideo Itami, they opted to just beat the crap out of him and leave him laying. It was both a brilliant move logic-wise, as noted by Jason Alberts saying the NXT newcomer hadn't been able to make any friends yet, and led to possibly the best backstage NXT segment of the post-Dallas era in Florida as FUNAKI~! promised to have Hideo's back. Will he? Of course. Is the Ascension going to murder him? Not literally, but of course. Will this make Hideo have to search for another, more awesome "I will eat your soul, motherfucker" partner? Can he even find such a man? Can the two of them best the Ascension, then, perhaps?

...what did you, just get here? You can't be that quick, not exactly a Baron Corbin squash or Carmella dropkicking Enzo Amore out of the ring in footage that Big Cass promised nobody would ever see. Not only that, but the Vaudevillains made an unofficial claim to being next in line for the Lucha Dragons and a shot at the tag team Championships that the Ascension just dropped by beating ~~Team ScrubsNot Exactly The World's Greatest Tag Team~~ Tye Dillinger and Jason Jordan and putting a nice That's A Wrap on the whole thing before we went into the main event. You get two awesome lengthy Championships that matter matches, a little actual comedy, and the ability to chant Put Your Dukes Up mere weeks before we hit 2015. And you wonder why everybody's guzzling NXT Kool-Aid by the gallon. School's in WHOO BY GOD session, new arrivals: go and get yourself a late pass.

Inspire Pro to get fun, fun, fun
Logo via promotion's website

Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, TX is a yearly music and arts festival that usually spans three days. The hottest new acts and the classic acts with street cred converge to give Austin a signature, cool festival now that South by Southwest has been hijacked by corporate interests building their #brands. For the last few years, wrestling has been a huge staple in the three-day set. This year will have more of the same, except a new provider will be on the scene. Inspire Pro Wrestling, which promoted yet another successful show at the Marchesa Theater last night (for which Michael should have a review in shortly), will promote matches during all three days of the festival. In the past, Anarchy Championship Wrestling has provided the pro graps. That promotion may or may not be included this year. If it does participate, however, it will definitely be sharing the stage with the NWA's newest affiliate.

The amount of growth that Inspire Pro has undergone in its first year-plus of existence is incredible. Last night's show was a co-branded affair with Chikara, and the NWA affiliation has opened some doors with wrestlers both stationed in America and Japan. Working the Fun Fun Fun Fest will end up boosting its cred even more. No matches have been announced yet; however, if you're in the Austin area and want someplace cool to hang out November 7-9 regardless of wrestling, you're going to want to be at the Auditorium Shores. Nas, Judas Priest, Modest Mouse, Wiz Khalifa, Girl Talk, Dinosaur, Jr., Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medicine, 2 Chainz (aka Tity Boi, never forget), Ginuwine, Neutral Milk Hotel, and KING DIAMOND will be playing the various days. Also, Biafra, W. Kamau Bell, Fred Armisen, John Waters, and Pro Wrestling Manager of the Decade Chris Trew will all be doing some kind of spoken word or comedy set. Plus, Air Sex Championships will be taking place, AND if that all weren't enough, the festival will have a goddamn functioning taco cannon. Basically, you're going to be going to one of the coolest events of the year and getting top-notch pro wrestling on top of it all. Sounds like you have no excuse to miss the Fun Fun Fun Fest this year.

Austin coming back would be rad, but he should bring back WWE's ability to protect wrestlers with him
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Steve Austin retired in 2003 after one final match with The Rock at WrestleMania XIX. Barely anyone ever thought he'd come back in a full time, meaningful, wrestling role again because of the state of his neck at the time. Injuries suffered at SummerSlam 1997, exacerbated by six years of off-and-on full slates of scheduling, caught up with him, and he seemed like he would only come back for the occasional guest referee role, interview pop, shill for Tough Enough, or obligatory comedy Stunner. He'd also found his niche as a B-movie action star first and then the leader of the mainstream wrestling podcast boom. Even in a field where Shawn Michaels could make the improbable comeback several years after his first "retirement" or where Terry Funk is still taking dates and bumping hard into his 70s, the never-say-die itch for a former pro wrestler to return to the fold never seemed to bite Austin for whatever reason, which appeared to be the biggest upset in the history of pro wrestling. Even bona fide, Hollywood superstardom couldn't keep The Rock from coming back, but even though Austin's neck, by all reports, had seemingly healed up enough for him to presumably hit the canvas again, he didn't seem interested.

But then, on the September 9 edition of his clean podcast (with special guest Ric Drasin), Austin casually lit a the fuse on the biggest powder keg announcement left to make in pro wrestling. He said he was training for a comeback. Of course, he didn't really make a big stink about it, and the lack of details has sent everyone commenting on it so far into a spiral of conjecture. The least likely scenario would put Austin on the road for a full slate of dates, but even the Shawn Michaels or even Brock Lesnar schedule would be enough for him to make an impact. Or would he just return for one, final, memorable match that would put an exclamation point on his career that not even the final duel with his most visceral rival could have done.

Then, what would role would he fill? I doubt someone who comes off as savvy as he does on his podcast would agree to cosplay as himself from 15 years ago, but would WWE have the gumption to go forward with a character radically different? If anyone could pull off an Americanized version of the Grumpy Old Man archetype from Japan (most ably executed by former WWE special guest Genichiro Tenryu), I would imagine Austin is that guy. If I had to make a guess, I would imagine that Austin's character wouldn't be too far off from the Attitude Era, mainly because WWE is a creatively gutless company, and even the forces within that seem to want to move forward may not want to chance ruining a good thing that it used to have. While his ill-fated heel turn happened now 12 years ago, I know I at least remember it like it happened last year. Creatively, turning the biggest populist icon into corporate toady was an absolute genius move, but the fans at large rejected it. By year's end, Austin was back rousing the rabble, drinking beers, and stunning people indiscriminately.

However, I am oddly at peace with any attempt at reviving the beer-drinkin', hell-raisin', bird-flippin' Texas Rattlesnake, mainly because it might show why the Attitude Era was a success and why specific storytelling tropes, "adult" trappings, or parental advisory ratings need to remain in the past. If Austin can provide the same spike in the quality of the programming that he did 15 years ago on a regular basis - which is not a guarantee, mind you - and nothing else on the show changes, then it will be a proof that stars drive the show, not writing or the amount of "edgy material" being transplanted onto the script. The biggest myth propagated by anyone is that the curses and the sexual innuendo were what made wrestling back in the day. The then-WWF might have been a cultural anomaly if "Stone Cold" Glenn Ruth were wrestling against a Corporate Ministry led by Big Viscera and Al Snow. Sure, the anarchic atmosphere and the loosening of the language suited Austin and Rock and Triple H and Mick Foley as an overall oeuvre, but the wrestlers helped the writing more than the other way around.

In fact, the best thing the writing ever did for the stars of that era wasn't so much provide them with a free reign on what to say as much as it was the protection offered to them. No one who got over like gangbusters did so through parity booking or being offered up for sacrifice to the established stars. Rock, Triple H's DX, Foley, and especially Austin were all protected entities. They were allowed to justify the crowd's belief in them by winning through their rise through the card. Sure, guys like Austin and Trips could have stood to put a few more guys over, but Rocky wasn't exactly jobbing all the time in embarrassing fashion to people on the way up, and by the time he was laying down for dudes like Hurricane Helms, he was already a Big Swinging Dick™.

WWE has stood on this precipice before recently. CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and even Mark Henry during his Hall of Pain run in the fall of 2011 were all dynamic cults of personality who made the tension in the arena grow as thick as pea soup whenever they were allowed to ply their trades. Bryan's potential may never be able to be gauged since he got hurt before he was allowed to build off his climax at WrestleMania XXX. Henry actually moved all the indicators - crowd pops, story investment, ratings, house show gates - during his time as World Heavyweight Champion working mostly on Smackdown, but even if he was allowed to keep his belt into Mania the following year, he was a dude nearing the end of his effective shelf life as a main, full time wrestler. Punk, however, may have been the biggest travesty WWE has incurred upon itself in its history.

The company followed up its hottest angle in the last ten years by far by having Punk used as a pawn in a larger feud between Triple H and Kevin Nash before getting plunged into a title feud against a guy who'd have his metaphorical wings clipped by John Cena outing his luxury car gimmick as FAKE FAKE FAKE. Then, when he was given a long run with the title, he spent nearly his entire run as second banana to Cena before he had to sacrifice the title to The Rock. If you wanted to know how exactly not to book a wrestler, WWE's handling of Punk would be the definitive instruction guide. The actual content written for him didn't help him. Punk, through his fire mic skills and preternatural (even if sometimes sloppy and lazy) work in the ring, made himself a big thing. WWE held him back with its recursive and tepid booking.

If Austin can come back and replicate the kind of goosebumps he used to produce back in 1999, then he will be the second person on the roster currently who can provide that. Right now, Dean Ambrose provides an eerily similar air of unpredictability that Austin did. He stands on the precipice of being a part of the next truly transcendent roster in WWE's history. The question remains whether WWE wants to pull the trigger on him the way it did eventually on Austin. Even though the company has never been known for top-to-bottom sound booking, it did at least know how to stratify a roster and protect more wrestlers than just the tippity-top guys. Somewhere along the way, WWE lost that touch, and basically, the show is a disparate quagmire of souls languishing beneath John Cena and maybe Daniel Bryan (who's currently injured). Everything else from the Attitude Era's institutional design can stay in the past, but if WWE is insistent on bringing things back from said era, I want it to relearn how to protect wrestlers and help people get over the way that they did back in the last salad days of the company. Having Austin come back will be thrilling from a fan's standpoint, but he alone can't replicate the magic back from when he was the company's ace. In fact, even if this comeback was a gimmick for a reality show or something else cockamamie, the answer to bringing back some semblance of sense to the WWE's narrative order exists how it protects its wrestlers.

Not only a Tittymaster, but a Slimemaster too!
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: 6) - Thanks to Ambrose, the sales of green slime spiked through the roof. Just don't accept any substitutes, especially from creepy guys who drive windowless vans.

2. Paige (Last Week: 4) - She used her connections to allow Alicia Fox to score some Surge ahead of the soft relaunch. That act was a sign of true clout. Also, Paige and Fox need to be a legit tag team, because they would probably have the best adventures. For example, I would love to have seen Fox's response to Paige getting someone to get her logo tattooed on his bum. Like, did she then challenge someone to get their appendix removed so it could be fashioned into an Alicia Fox logo made out of human tissue? Does Alicia Fox even HAVE a logo? THESE ARE THINGS I COULD FIND OUT BY WATCHING THEM PAL AROUND.

3. AJ Lee (Last Week: 2) - Honestly, she's going to need to get Kaitlyn back on the team if she wants to get a leg up on Paige with her new teaming. Of course, she'll have to swallow her pride and probably order $300 worth of merch from Celestial Bodiez, but it'll be worth it to have familiar backup, y'know?

4. Mark Henry (Last Week: 5) - Mark Henry don't need no Bo-tivation to get what he wants. All he wants to do is dispatch PAIN.

5. Cheesesteaks (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - The best food for a hospital discharge day is definitely a nice, greasy, meaty cheesesteak. Related, thank you everyone for the well-wishes and good vibes. Josie is doing great for being a preemie, and Amanda is in great spirits even if her emergency c-section stitching is giving her fits.

6. Strong Bad and Coach Z (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Homestar Runner's first digital short in almost a decade featured this duo dropping the NEWEST NUMBER ONE JAM. Although, if they release the titular character's Barbershop ditty as a b-side, the single may just become the most fire release since the Be-Sharps'Bigger than Jesus.

7. Eric Hosmer (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Royals, after years upon years of being the American League's whipping boys, are going to the League's Championship Series, and in response, the team's first baseman bought drinks for fans. How goddamn cool is that?

8. Athena (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did she successfully escape the Girls Night Out double tapings with her AIW Women's Championship, she was able to harness her inner energy and become ATHENA-ZILLA. I hope this ends up being her final form, because the wrestling world can't take anything more powerful than that, to be honest. Gotta keep the playing field level for the rest of the gang, to be honest.

9. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 9) - One could say he's been "relegated" to Total Divas, but he remains perhaps the best character on WWE's highest rated show. Wait, is Total Divas the highest rated show? Don't look it up. LET ME HAVE THIS.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She holds the record for Most Faces Melted at the ECW Arena for the time she slapped the taste out of Claudio Castagnoli's mouth at Chikarasaurus Rex weekend 2011.

He's not the guy WWE should be relying on for big moments
Photo Credit: WWE.com

The first RAW in October of 2014 will be remembered for the exploits of two wrestlers. One was scheduled to be there, while the other only tipped his hand on Twitter moments before he walked out of the curtain. While The Rock's appearance, surrealistically to joust with Rusev and Lana, was only rumored and whispered about the day of the show on the usual channels, shocked the audience into life, it was Dean Ambrose's continued commandeering of the show that left the most indelible mark on the narrative. If one of the two were to move the needle, WWE should be glad that Ambrose whose antics were more impactful. Of course, I speak from the position of someone who is absolutely tired of The Rock's sub-fratboy rhetoric in 2014, so maybe I'm not the most unbiased judge of these things. However, the juxtaposition of Rock and Ambrose as the star performers on RAW illustrates where WWE languishes so much and where the company needs to go.

On one hand, The Rock gets people to react. However, the moment he opened his mouth, he showed that nothing really had changed since 2013, and there, nothing had changed since 2012, and then before then 2003 and so on and so forth. He's still acting the part of a dry-dick trashboy who holds women in contempt for reasons no one really could know and throws around gendered and othering slurs like former TNA Tag Team Champion Pacman Jones throws up dollar bills in the club. Nothing has evolved, and so his coming back elicits a loud Pavlovian reaction for him with questionable benefit for his targets. Did Rusev or Lana gain anything by the association in the ring? To be fair, the returns may be too early to gauge, but at the same time, him getting smacked around only to turn tail for a guy who may not be there next week is not a good sign.

Meanwhile, Ambrose made his first splash by popping up right next to Seth Rollins in the crowd after the latter thought he made a clean getaway from John Cena. He then held court, invited Cena to come out, and then bailed when he got as sick of his shit as the Brooklyn crowd got three seconds after the former Champ opened his mouth for the first time. When all was lost, he returned with a hot dog cart (in a twist that I foreshadowed in a roundabout yet totally accidental way) and acted as a culinary Gandalf at Cena's personal Helms Deep. Then he stuck Cena to end the show. None of his script was particularly innovative, but the way he executed on it felt fresh and exciting, much in the same way that a Mike Trout home run could look as majestic as a Willie Mays one, or how both Cesar Romero and Heath Ledger could give their own takes to the Joker (Jack Nicholson was never The Joker, he was Jack Nicholson in clown makeup, even if nothing is wrong with that scenario).

For WWE to take the next step towards a new order, a new era based around The Network, it needs to cultivate Ambrose and find a way to make him and the Network inextricably linked. Appearances from guys like The Rock are great, but they can't be the backbone of your plan going forward. Even if the best option was Daniel Bryan (who is not that bad an option at all), you should always forge ahead and find out how to make the guys who are going to be around week to week work for you, not make the narrative terraform them and then trot out some former wrestler or a guest host whenever the numbers aren't as healthy as you'd like.

But when you have a guy like Ambrose who is ready to light the goddamn world on fire, you have no excuse not to make him the center of the show. Maybe Rocky should just come back around during WrestleMania season. Maybe the only part-timer you feature with importance is the one holding your World Championship. Or maybe I'm just a dude yearning to see something new and am not in WWE's target audience. Those people making #SovietStreetWalker trend and cheering for Rock's gross shtick seem to like what he has to say today. I just hope they're there tomorrow when Ambrose is the one left to do all the heavy lifting himself.

No one likes JBL on commentary
Photo Credit: WWE.com

YES! YES! Wait, the Giants? NO! NO!
Photo via MLB Fan Cave via With Spandex

Forgive me for not paying attention too much to this year's baseball season, but at some point during the campaign, the San Francisco Giants co-opted the infamous "YES!" chants pioneered by one Daniel Bryan. So of course, for extra good luck, the team brought in the injured former WWE Champion to help close out its National League Divisional Series matchup against the Washington Nationals. While the crowd at AT&T Park was not the largest one he's ever led in one of his signature chants (WrestleMania XXX, hello), it certainly was the most high-profile in terms of mainstream appeal. I'm absolutely stunned WWE didn't work in some kind of segment about its injured star leading a chorus at another sporting event. Then again, the Giants ended up losing the game anyway, so I imagine that once Bryan is healthy and back battling The Authority, Triple H will coolly and wittily remind him that his YES! chants couldn't help the Giants win and that's why he's forever a B+ player. Sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out that snarkily. Anyway, below is video!

The Rock is mad at Lana because girls like Lana don't sleep with him
Photo Credit: WWE.com

NOTE: The following theory is not about Dwayne Johnson, the person. I don't know anything about that man's sex life, and I am not making a value judgement on him for however sex he's had or not had. Making fun of someone for having too much sex or not enough sex or no sex at all is absolutely idiotic. This theory is about the framing of a fictional persona playing out in the WWE Universe, and I can't believe I have to write this fucking disclaimer, but I can't with some of you people. I just can't.

Watching RAW last night, I received a revelation, one with such stunning clarity that I wasn't entirely sure if it was an epiphany or whether a week of sleep deprivation and emotional duress had finally caught up with me. I slept on it and thought about it, though, and it all started to make sense. This revelation explained so much of the history and behaviors of one of WWE's most iconic characters that I am shocked and dumbfounded that I haven't come to this revelation a long time ago.

Basically, the character of The Rock has either never had sex, or he's had such little sex in his life that he's still super-repressed after all these years.

The first telltale sign has been slapping everyone in the face for the last 15 years. The Rock has always had a super-confrontational relationship with women. When he comes across a woman whom he pretends is sexually repulsive to him (Vickie Guerrero) or who has wronged him in some way (Lana, Stephanie McMahon, etc.), he batters her with awful, misogynist insults. Do you think someone who knows the touch of a woman would have sat down and ad libbed a trashy, hateful song towards Guerrero for no other reason than her telling him to be quiet while people are working? Basically, Rock's script towards women is cobbled straight out of men's rights activist forums. More accurately, maybe The Rock was a greater influence on the current crop of fedora-clad champions of r/MensRights than people realize.

Even when he tried putting the moves on various women over the years that met his standards of attractiveness, his moves have always reeked of the sleazy, one-liner-drenched pickup artist shtick that the "red pill" consuming subgroup uses to get sex. Remember when he'd use to hit on Lilian Garcia and she'd pretend to act flattered? The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together quite nicely, and the pattern has been noticeable and defined since the day he came into WWE.

Rocky Maivia entered the company as the fresh-faced, blue-chip, can't-prospect dressed in a warped, Middle American view on what was cool in 1996. He was an exceedingly "nice" guy who played the right way, but he got abused by the system and became jaded. If that sequence sounds familiar, head into the murky waters of self-pitying MRA forums and see how many people self-profess as nice people whom the ladies often abuse and use. His next step was to join the Nation of Domination, which oddly makes sense as well. While the Nation never really lashed out against women in general, Rock's motivations to get into the group in the first place could have been because he didn't have any luck with the ladies. Maybe if he threw himself into activism, he could get his mind off the evil, gross, MEAN women who wouldn't give him WHAT HE DESERVED.

But then he evolved into The Rock, and he got all the accolades. He showed off his massive charisma and won Championships and grew into his body all that other jazz, and yet the ladies were still repulsed by him. And then when he became a movie star, he got so busy between shuttling back and forth between Hollywood and WWE that he didn't even have time for sex. But that didn't stop him from assuming that the lack of action was because women were evil. His mind became so warped that today, his first reaction to a ravishing bombshell who happened to be the most vocal anti-American zealot WWE has seen since Ludvig Borga was to demean her for her gender.

But why would WWE so blatantly and obviously promote a sexless, hateful MRA as its biggest pop icon, even before the time he became a legitimate Hollywood box office draw? Well, to whom did WWE market shows during the Attitude Era? The answer is the 18-34 male demographic. While any large group of people is super diverse both in appearance and mindset, I've been around enough late-'90s devotees to know that a healthy amount of MRA-types populated those crowds back in the day. The Rock was a handsome, ripped, charismatic dude who represented everything some people in the crowd wished they could be, but even in the depths of vicarious living, those fans had to have identified with Rock on a different level. He was more famous than they were, but they shared the common bond that none of them were getting laid on a regular basis. He talked like they did, only he was that portion of the crowd's most successful avatar.

I can't believe it took me so long to realize that Rocky really is just a sexually repressed asshole who strikes a chord with a vocal portion of the crowd. Sure, some people who have healthy sex lives like him for whatever reason, and again, not having sex isn't a crime or a sin or something to be ashamed of, which is why someone ACTING like their own lack of sex is a "problem" makes them such a delicious heel, or at the very least, an antiheroic emblem for a community with misplaced ideals. WWE has always seemed askew when it came to its morality alignments, but maybe its portrayal of The Rock, especially during the times when he's called upon to be cheered, can shed some light on the twisted ideas of heroism and villainy among its braintrust.

Bryan and Kane were entertaining, but they were not a true tag team
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Lots of people want to tell you about the renaissance of tag team wrestling in big-box corporate wrestling. And in a lot of ways, they're right. Surface-wise, at least, it does seem to matter. But look closer, and you'll see a problem, a problem you would only have noticed if you had watched previous "Golden Eras" of tag team wrestling. What problem, you're asking? Simple. A lack of actual teams.

Now I know what you're thinking. I understand and respect it. You're probably going to tell me how much fun Daniel Bryan and Kane were, and how TNA's tag team division has always been good, and some of that is true. But the larger point is that Daniel Bryan and Kane weren't a team, at least not how I and other people for whom is this is their favorite style might also understand it.

To be fair, at least in the corporate offices of the company that puts wrestling on in Stamford, the idea of tag team wrestling as an art, and something that should be aspired to, is slowly coming back into vogue. The trouble with that is Triple H, the guy who thinks, this cut his teeth as a wrestler in the "superteam" era of tag team wrestling. Hell, the best and most accomplished tag teams he was ever in were superteams: with Steve Austin as the Two-Man Power Trip and with Shawn Michaels as Dad Joke-Generation X. Say what you want to, but those who were not tag teams in the traditional sense of the word. Think of how many times you saw the "wacky mismatched tag team" end up winning the tag team titles from a team that was supposed to be a cohesive unit. Or, to put a finer point on it, think about how many tag teams from that era were two top singles stars who just were thrown together and given the tag team titles for a story that never involved the belts.

What do I mean when I say "tag team" in the traditional sense of the word? Well, firstly, there has to be a sense of unity. There are really no hard-and-fast rules about what that unity is supposed to come off as, but more the idea that it should feel like you wanted to be partners, instead of someone telling you that you had to be. In keeping with this, the individual members of the team don't have feuds. The team can feud with a singles star, sure, but that's about where it ends. (Author's Note: I understand that Ricky Morton, and a few other tag team wrestlers, had singles title matches against Ric Flair in late-80's NWA. But you'll remember, the Rock N' Roll Express feuded with the Andersons or Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson.)

Secondly, and this is the art part, there has to be chemistry. I have to believe you want to be partners, not that someone threw you together and it's torture but you're doing it. Daniel Bryan and Kane fall into this part. They never seemed to really WANT to be partners. They just won the belts, and eventually decided that they might as well work together to retain them. But that want, that "Hey we're good at this" that so many other teams have and have had, never was there for me.

So that's it. That's how you make good tag teams. Watch big-box wrestling sometimes, and see if you can see how many of the teams make that cut.

Michael Elgin either has quit ROH or he's part of the most hilariously surreal worked shoot ever
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

The continuing story of Michael Elgin continues to get weirder and weirder. When I previously left off, he was busy losing the Ring of Honor World Championship to Jay Briscoe of all people before being told backstage his visa was expiring. However, his title loss wasn't because of the work visa situation but because he didn't protect the belt's status on a recent excursion into Pro Wrestling Guerrilla and was making desperate overtures to baseball teams on Twitter for a tryout. He spent his hiatus from the States wrestling in local Canadian promotions, biding his time until he could get back to ROH and presumably make a story out of his debacles, because that's what wrestling companies do.

Chicagoland promotion AAW was the first American company to announce his return October 17 as part of a Tag Team Championship tournament for the belts he and Ethan Page vacated. Then, ROH announced his return to the company, which was to be expected, except Elgin had other thoughts about the whole ordeal.

@ringofhonor I said this on our call, thank you for getting me back home. But, an article doesn't fix lies and damage done. I QUIT.
— Michael Elgin (@MichaelElgin25) October 6, 2014

On one hand, Elgin seems like he's a special kind of aloof that he would go about quitting the third highest-profile company in the US on Twitter in response to a hype piece announcing his return. On the other, in the new kayfabe, this is entirely how you build an angle nowadays, especially for a company with limited television distribution and independent ethos (even if its corporate ownership makes its affiliation with indie wrestling a bit disingenuous). I would be totally shocked if Elgin didn't show up to a ROH show, specifically the one he was originally scheduled for this Saturday in Kalamazoo, MI. If it is a work, then everyone's dedicating themselves to preserving the lie. Elgin changed his Twitter handle, the announcement on ROH's page has been taken down, and the company's Twitter account is retweeting people talking shit on Elgin.

Then again, for as much as it would be dumb for all this to be playing out for real, ROH has proven itself to be just as thick-headed and prone to bad public relations as the two companies ahead of it on the bankroll scale at times. Head muckety-muck Joe Koff has alienated fans on more than one occasion (ask Black Cat of the Old School Wrestling Podcast about his experiences with the dude), and as documented in the past, the company has a difficult time (shows active negligence towards?) policing the safety of its women performers. Basically, for as much as I wanna say this is an angle, for all anyone knows, Elgin could be on a plane to China when Gabe Sapolsky brings EVOLVE over there, or even better, biding his time until he can get down to Dunedin, FL for Toronto Blue Jays Spring Training in February.

For as boring as I find him in the ring, Elgin has been the gift that keeps on giving in terms of out of character stories lately. Again, the guy has a wife and kid that he needs to help support (MsChif can't do it all by herself, even if she has a sweet non-wrestling job), so I hope for the best for him. But his arc in the last couple of months has been so strange that I can't help but sit back and chuckle at the absurdity of it all.

Austin refutes the comeback story and talks Monday Night Wars this episode
Photo Credit: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 157
Run Time: 1:18:24
Guest: Kristin Austin (momentarily)

Summary: The show opens with Austin in his truck, narrating a drive through Los Angeles. Later he chats with his wife and her recent health scares before offering more stream of consciousness musings. Eventually he responds to a few listener questions about wrestling, touching on the future prospects of TNA talent, the durability of John Cena, Kurt Angle’s career, discussions with Vince McMahon in the wake of 9/11 and a plug for Monday Night Wars on the WWE Network.

Quote of the week:“I was talking to Ric Drasin on a podcast a few weeks ago. And me and Rick were just talking about Gold’s Gym because that’s where we met. And Ric Drasin was the guy that created the Gold’s Gym logo and the World Gym logo, two of the most iconic logos of all time. And I told Ric, tongue in cheek, that I was getting back in shape to make a comeback to go to Gold’s. Because I didn’t want to show up at Gold’s like a fat tub of lard. So people misconstrued that and it’s been making headlines all over the place that I’m trying to make a comeback to the world of professional wrestling. I’m not trying to make a comeback. I was kidding. And I just said I was making a comeback to go to Gold’s Gym.”

Why you should listen: If you’ve ever wanted to be a fly on the wall in Stone Cold’s car, here you go. It’s interesting to hear Austin’s take on how the return rumor spun out of control, though I guess I spoiled that with the quote of the week. TNA fans will enjoy hearing Austin talk up some current and former stars, and John Cena fans will enjoy Austin giving the Champ his due.

Why you should skip it: This is ostensibly the family-friendly show, and Steve drops a handful of s-bombs. That doesn’t bother me, but if you skip his Thursday shows because he works blue, you need to be aware some of that approach seeps in here. There’s nothing of substance until the listener questions, and those are tucked into a fleeting bit near the end. Also, if it drives you crazy that Austin misremembers 9/11 happening before a Monday Night RAW (it was a Tuesday), and if you can’t give the guy some slack considering the very real possibility he’s suffered some brain damage, well, maybe wait for Thursday.

Final thoughts: It’s amusing to consider Austin watching the Monday Night Wars series and what parts are entirely new to him and which others are reminders of things he’s surely forgotten. It would be great to have him spend an entire 90-minute podcast breaking down his take on the Network documentary series for several reasons, especially if he had free rein to call BS on revisionist history. But we’re not there yet, so instead we get another dose of Stone Cold’s disdain for Prius owners. As others have noted, it’s curious how WWE keeps promoting Austin’s shows and then they turn out to have very little to do with wrestling. As a regular listener, I don’t mind a little lighthearted look into Austin’s daily life, but if this was your first episode of the show, I struggle to see why you’d feel compelled to come back.

Silver and Fire Ants were two of the five Chikara wrestlers lending a hand to a local rap outfit
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

In case any of you out there were wondering how well Chikara and hard-edge rap videos go together, well, Philadelphia hip-hop outfit Army of the Pharaohs has an answer for you in the form of the video for its newest single, "Terrorstorm." In addition to the group dropping rhymes against a pretty dope beat, five Chikara tecnicos - Fire Ant, Silver Ant, Ophidian, Amasis, and Hallowicked (who at one point was deviously stroking a French bulldog, Ernst Stavro Blofeld-style, Mantis would be proud) - served as the opponents for the troupe's wrestler alter-egos. Be forewarned, the lyrical content is decidedly not family friendly, which is a departure from the normally curse-free environs in which these wrestlers work. However, the song is really cool and the visuals enhancing it are well done. Check it out.

OOOH WHAT A [cold] RUSH
Illustration by Mike Kendrick, by way of With Spandex

It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Wrestling Links:

- Five Wrestling/Disney Princess Mashups We Wish Were Real [With Spandex]

- And That's the Bottom Line: A Beginner's Guide to WWE [The AV Club]

- Lunatic Fringe: How WWE Lucked Out with Dean Ambrose [WrassleRap]

- The Heart Is Raw: The First New Show [International Object]

- The Best and Worst of RAW on With Spandex [Last Week|This Week]

- What Has Been the Most Repeated Match in WWE This Year? [Indeed Wrestling]

- The Replacements [Grantland]

- Who Cares About the WWE Championship? [International Object]

- The Fashion Break: Stephanie McMahon [WrassleRap]

- CRSMUTDC4 [Cewsh Reviews]

- The Indie Ten for October 2014 [4CR Wrestling]

- Angry Andy Reviews NYWC... [Truck House Brawl|Till I Collapse]

- The Bests and Worsts of Impact Wrestling on With Spandex [Last Week|This Week]

- The Ten Count: Wrestler Parodies [Old School Jabronis]

- A Little Time for Lance Russell [4CR Wrestling]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- The NFL's Domestic Violence Problem and Our Race Problem [VICE Sports]

- What We Talk About When We Talk About Jameis Winston [The Classical]

- Here's that Daily Show Showdown that "Defamed" Redskins Fans [Jezebel]

- The Problem with Peter King [Deadspin]

- Why Being a Football Fan Is Indefensible [Review]

- Monday Morning Jerkface on The Footbawl Blog [Week 4|Week 5]

- Sportsflicks on The Classical [Division III: Football's Finest|The Last Match]

- Bama Fan Completely Demolished After Throwing Things at Ole Miss Fans [SB Nation]

- The Sports Guy vs. ESPN: How Bill Simmons Lost Bristol [Deadspin]

- A Response to Christine Flowers [Versing Everyone]

- A Field Guide to American Truthers [The Concourse]

- Colorado School Board Attempts to Censor History Because Patriotism [Jezebel]

- Misogyny Is Not Human Nature [Slate]

- Siskel and Ebert Made Their Own "Tropes Vs. Women" Video in 1980 [Polygon]

- Here Is What It's Like When Women Have Slightly More Power [Jezebel]

- Epidemics Are Not Natural [io9]

- The Real Secret to Talking Sports With Women [Gawker]

- Inside the Delightful World of Skateboarding Bulldogs [VICE Sports]

- All the Fictional Movies on Seinfeld, Ranked [Warming Glow]

- 30 Voice Actors You Didn't Know Voiced Every Character Ever [Dorkly]

- 11 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching The Legend of Korra [io9]

- Fake Smash Bros. Facts Are the Best [Kotaku]

- All the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes You Should Be Using in Everyday Conversation [Warming Glow]

- Number One Singles of the Past Decade, Ranked [Rankings]

- Eight Actors Who Almost Played Comic Book Heroes on the Big Screen [Toybox]

- So Normal It Hurts: The Triumph and Tragedy of Phil Hartman [The Concourse]

- The Anti-Gillys: 20 Saturday Night Live Characters We Never Got Tired of Seeing [Warming Glow]

- Six Reasons to Be Excited for Bill and Ted's Bodacious Quest [Dorkly]

- Derek Jeter Was Okay [Gawker]

- Reliving Derek Jeter's Sopping Wet 2014 Tongue Bath [The Good Phight]

- The 26 Greatest Starting Shortstops for the Yankees in the Derek Jeter Era [Medium]

- Active Winning Seasons Streaks [Sports on Earth]

- The Montreal Expos [Progressive Boink]

- The Mayor of St. Louis Is a Complete Dipshit [Deadspin]

- Cardinals Fans Get in Ugly Clash with Ferguson Protestors [Deadspin]

- The Epic Story of Johann Bernoulli, the Meanest Man in Math [io9]

- Game of Equations [Grantland]

- The Ten Types of Fictional Apocalypses and What They Mean [io9]

- #DoLoThroDo14: The Aftermath [Progressive Boink]

- How to Make Chili Instead of Just Arguing Over It All the Time [Foodspin]

- This Is The Best Chicken You'll Ever Make [Domesticity]

- The Hibernator Is an 8000 Calorie Breakfast That Comes With a Waiver [UPROXX]

- The Observer Absolutely Eviscerates Cutesy New Fried Chicken Place [Foodspin]

- Finally, an Imperial Stout for the Common People []

- Drink Boxed Wine [Gizmodo]

- How to Make Pork Tenderloin, the Most X-Rated Cut of Meat [Foodspin]

- The Eight Strangest Fast Food Movie Tie-Ins [Toybox]

- The 20 Most Delicious-Sounding Bob's Burgers Burgers [Warming Glow]

- Kevin Ward Jr.'s Family: Why Did Marijuana Matter? [Jalopnik]

- Cui Bono: Why I Couldn't Care Less About Tanking in the NBA [Hardwood Paroxysm]

IS PUNK ON HIS WAY BACK????
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Okay, after a one week HIATUS for an UNLAWFUL ARREST, your buddy Horb is back with all the scoops that you can fit in a ten pound bag. As it turns out, stealing candy from a baby is a federal offense in Kentucky, where I was STAKING OUT because I heard CM Punk might have been in the area. I got 40 lashes with a corn stalk, and I was forced to drink bourbon that was distilled in Michigan. Yuck. Anyway, my voice CANNOT be silenced, and my scoops CANNOT remain unmined! You people wanted the best, so you've got the best! THAT STATEMENT IS A CREATION OF HORB ENTERPRISES® AND CANNOT BE USED WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN AND VERBAL CONSENT AND A PINT OF BLOOD FROM YOU OR YOUR FIRSTBORN.

Firstly, if you have any news, tips, unfounded rumors, sightings of wrestlers looking for MMA tickets, or any inside info on the circumference of Dana White's dick, contact me at ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. I also am a LICENSED GARCINEA DEALER, so if you need the miracle plant, shoot me a line. I'll get my associates Yggdrasil Morkensporker and Jahmez Zmith to forward you all the pertinent links and PayPal information. Secondly, if you want UP TO THE NANOSECOND scoops, you need to follow me on Twitter at @HorbFlerbminber. I use TACHYON TECHNOLOGY so I know the scoops before they happen. BEFORE. THEY. HAPPEN. Do you want to know who's going to win the World Series? That information costs EXTRA on my HORB HITZ HOTLINE, which you can dial at (480) 607-0677. It costs five Bitcoin for the first minute and 12 Galactic Credits each additional minute. However, if you want to know when Sting is going to debut, against whom Sting may be feuding, and whether or not his tour with Paul Simon has garnered ALL THE BUYS or not, you need to follow me on Twitter.

Of course, I also am in the process of selling my votes on the Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame ballot. My pay rates are firm but fair. The rates are $25 if you want me to consider voting for a candidate, $50 if you want me actually to VOTE for a candidate, and a cool $125 if you want me to break into people's houses and manually change their ballots. I've already committed voter fraud against seven different voters, including first-time voter Dylan Hales. Haha, see if they let you back in next year! (Dylan knows what he did.) I offer discounts for people who inquire after the deadline for ballots passes. That deadline apparently happened some time last week.

I also offer a line of shampoos and conditioners called HORBAL ESSENCEZ. These hair products are made from the finest, most natural chemicals known to man. If you can't pronounce at least half the ingredients, you get a bottle of nail polish remover for FREE. If you don't believe me, I have a TESTIMONIAL from Gillian Samsonite from Aspen, CO:

I bought Horbal Essencez and was intending to use it because it was the only shampoo at the local Wal*Mart that wasn't tainted at the moment. Then my mother-in-law came over for the weekend. She really grates on me, you know. She took a shower before I did and used the new hair products. All her hair subsequently fell out, and now she can't hear out of her left ear. It was the best weekend of my life. Thanks Horbal Essencez!

Another satisfied customer.

I'll be making appearances this week too. Monday, I'll be in Chicago, rooting through CM Punk's dumpster for evidence of a comeback or Chinese food containers. A man has to eat, you know. Tuesday, I'll be at the free clinic in Indianapolis jumping in front of the elderly and infirmed trying to get as many flu shots as I can for this upcoming season. Wednesday, I'll be heading to Todd Martin's house to pick a fight with him because I feel like it. Thursday is a travel day, I'll be hiding in the cargo hold of a 767 flight from New York City to Seattle, and Friday, I'll be hanging out on top of the Space Needle, desperately begging people to dare me to drop pennies on unsuspecting people below.

Also, please check out that rash on your abdomen. Ebola's going around, and I'm afraid you might have it. Don't even come near me, I don't wanna catch that shit, I'm already banned from 47% of all emergency rooms around the country and my passport has a big "DO NOT ALLOW TO LEAVE THE UNITED STATES" stamped on it.

And now, THE SCOOPS.

- CM PUNK was sighted backstage at a wrestling show Saturday. I know this because I WAS THERE AND I GOT THIS SCOOP NOT ANY OTHER WEBSITE. He was apparently there to scout opponents because he is totally making a comeback to WWE. Why would he be scouting for future foes at an Ohio Valley Wrestling show? Because shut up, that's why.

- Reports say that CM Punk was flummoxed backstage, but his mood changed to grumpy when I accosted him in the bathroom.

- Punk also said that he wanted no one to look him in the eye except for Cliff Compton, Colt Cabana, or Jennifer Lawrence at the show, and he wanted a bowl full of only lilac-colored M&Ms. Other than that, it is said he just wants to enjoy his retirement as a regular guy just like and me.

- WWE officials, upon getting word that Punk was backstage at a wrestling show, were busy getting his theme song queued up and plans for his return at a house show in place. These plans were quickly scuttled when WWE learned that Punk was at a show in Kentucky instead of in Providence, RI, where the company was running a live event.

- Punk's mood on his LiveJournal is currently listed as "Amused," which is the biggest sign that it hasn't been updated since 2005.

- AJ Lee receiving CM Punk chants at RAW this past Monday CONFIRMED the fact that she is indeed married to Punk.

- Punk reportedly ate at a local haunt around the show before his appearance backstage. He ordered a hot brown sandwich, but he threw the dish in the server's face and yelled at him "HEY, WHAT THE FUCK, THE BACON ON THIS ISN'T CRISPY ENOUGH FOR MY LIKING! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? I'M CM PUNK. I'M THE LONGEST REIGNING WWE CHAMPION SINCE HULK HOGAN AND DON'T YOU FUCKING FORGET THAT."

- Punk continues to stress that he just wants to be a regular dude during his time off from wrestling. Please give him his space.

- I used a Freedom of Information Act request to get all of Punk's real estate records, and no, he was not involved in the Whitewater scandal that rocked the Clinton Administration in the late '90s.

- CM Punk is currently slated to return on the November 10 RAW, where he will run out during a battle royale, be immediately eliminated, and then put his balls on the head of every fan chanting his name before vanishing into the aether.

- When Stephanie McMahon was asked about CM Punk's potential return, she said "Never say never." She then said, "Sike, he's never coming back unless he sucks Hunter's dick and pledges fealty to our new religion based after my father." Sounds like the door is still wide open to me.

- Wouldn't it be dreamy of CM Punk came back on RAW and just shot on everyone?

- Punk will apparently continue quiet retired life for the next couple of months, where he is scheduled to make a surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live, be on stage with Madball on six of the next eleven dates on their tour, judge a pierogi eating contest in Cleveland, and film a live, 15 minute block to be simulcast on the FOX and CW Networks where he just repeats "Me, MEEEEEEE" until his time is up. What a humble, low key guy.

- One final note, Steve Austin is preparing for a comeback, but who cares, he's not CM Punk.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 56% of you said the PRO WRESTLING show you're most looking forward to next is UFC 180, 20% said Invicta 9, 13% said Bellator 131, and 11% said UFC 179. This week's poll...

FAVORITE LETTER IN CM PUNK'S NAME

Jim Ross talks to the man who was paid to mock him in WCW
Photo Credit: WWE.com

If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: The Ross Report
Episode: 34
Run Time: 1:43:05
Guest: Ed Ferrara

Summary: JR opens by talking about how the WWE will get from early October to WrestleMania XXXI. His chat with Ferrara starts by discussing his early career as a wrestler (who knew?), explores how he get into entertainment, his first WWF job and the highlights of the Attitude Era, his transition with Vince Russo to WCW, including stories about playing the “Oklahoma” character, and his time working with TNA.

Quote of the week:“Back then, when we were pushing the envelope and doing TV-14, we were doing stuff that people were shocked. Nowadays, so much water has passed under that bridge, and I’m not just talking about wrestling shows, just television in general. It takes a lot more to shock people anymore. So I don’t think the TV-14 is the answer to the ills at all. I think that a little bit more, maybe trying to aim the product a little bit away from the younger audience, I think that is what it is, that’s what it needs to be. Because I know there are times when I watch the show when I feel like … my intelligence is being insulted, I feel like, ‘This is so goofy, this storyline doesn’t make any sense.’ Or the storyline is so unbelievable because it’s so over the top and so broad that you’ve already lost my suspension of disbelief going into this story. And I think that has a lot to do with aiming for the younger audience and painting with such broad strokes and bright colors that you’re missing the subtlety and the nuance and some of the maturity.”

Why you should listen: Anyone who missed or skipped JR’s chat with Vince Russo on account of Russo’s abrasive personality ought to try this show instead. Ferrara has nearly the same amount of insight, especially regarding their first moments with WCW, and almost none of the braggadocio that’s become synonymous with his mentor. He’s a thoughtful guy with lots of backstage experience from wrestling’s most popular era. Also, there’s hardly any of the running down of the current pro wrestling scene that’s become an unfortunate (and sometimes unfairly so) Ross Report calling card. JR also continues to improve in regards to letting his subjects talk, as in a formal interview, instead of being a 50-50 partner in a conversation.

Why you should skip it: If you’ve heard Russo say it, either with Ross, Steve Austin or elsewhere, chances are you’ll recognize it when it comes out of Ferrara’s mouth as well. Fans prone to bristle the fetishization of the Attitude Era will most certainly have those feathers ruffled. That’s no slam on either guy — what else are they supposed to talk about? — but simply put, don’t go into this expecting anything other than a positive look back at a period that is most interesting when its flaws are played evenly against its successes.

Final thoughts: I’m not quite sure what I expected from this show. I was indeed surprised to learn Ferrera has a background in independent wrestling and a lifelong fandom dating to the Zybysko/Sammartino feud. But JR has spoken of the “Oklahoma” character so often there was no drama or suspense when the matter arose between the subject and the man who portrayed the parody. Beyond that, JR didn’t do much to portray Ferrera, at least in regards to his wrestling writing career, as anything other than Russo Lite. Again, he’s a much more pleasant personality, so in some regards that label is a credit. It just seems Ross, having recently interviewed Russo about much of the same material, could have done more to more deeply develop the understanding of a relatively unknown figure.

Rollins was the target of a not-so-subtle bash from Riley
Photo Credit: WWE.com

I try to steer clear of certain things when writing or forming opinions. I don't care too much about politics in WWE anymore, especially since worrying about them ruined my wrestling fandom for a couple of years. Out of character feuds rarely if ever interest me. I try not to keep track about what loathsome idiots say on an unfiltered medium like Twitter, especially when they can cop out and claim their tweets were somehow "in character" (since wrestlers and personalities are encouraged to use the social medium in character and not as themselves). But in this case, I need to make an exception.

Alex Riley, WWE's wrestler washout-turned-pale Skip Bayless imitation, has a long history of using his Twitter account to irritate the sensibilities of the commonly decent. Whether it be bitching about service at a restaurant and then bragging about the shitty tip he left or just "telling it like it is" on various opinions upon which he has little expertise or moral authority, Riley's account is one of the least essential follows in the history of anything. But then he came out with this tweet last night:

If u are a male that considers cross-fit a sport, let me help u out. Ur a wanna-be gymnast at most. Pick up a ball get on a mat or shut up
— Alex Riley (@AlexRileyWWE) October 9, 2014

If this tweet were just a garden variety, macho bullshit slam at CrossFit not being manly enough, I could have ignored it, but the context around the tweet is just way too enraging. Basically, it was a shot at one of the cornerstones of WWE's future, Seth Rollins, who not only is an enthusiast of the workout regimen, but who uses it to help train students at his wrestling school, the Black and Brave Wrestling Academy.

It's not that I particularly care about people talking shit about Rollins like any number of fans whose sole purpose is to act as a virtual groupie on social media. He's a big boy who can take care of himself, and I'm sure that he doesn't really care about what washouts relegated to the preshow have to say about how he keeps fit. However, the environment that emboldened Riley to press "send" on his browser/phone app is what bugs me, as it speaks to an insidious culture within American business nowadays.

It happens at nearly any workplace. The guy who's there because he knows someone or because he had potential in high school and knows how to kiss ass will marginalize the hard work that another employee is doing for whatever reason. In the gladhanding, bound-by-cronyism world of American industry, that kind of sniping can be seen as a positive. If you schmooze with the right people and badmouth those who actually do good work, you can get a promotion and keep failing upward. Granted, I don't believe Rollins has any danger of losing his spot because Riley shit-talked his workout regimen at all. But the fact that Riley even thought to make that kind of statement, that it was something appropriate, hits my vomit nerve.

Otherwise, Riley is best ignored, but sometimes, his buffonery hits me right in my class-conscious heart. Hopefully, Rollins catches wind of Riley's shit, shrugs it off, and continues to kill it like he is right now. The best revenge is living well, of course.

And no, I don't care to get into a conversation over whether CrossFit is a sport or not, because I don't think that was the point of the original tweet. I don't think it's a sport, but I really don't want to get into a semantic argument over it with people who partake in it, because they pretty much kill themselves during workouts. I also am aware that it could have been a "worked" tweet, but even so, how does it further a story? Is Riley going to get back into a ring, and if so, LOL if he's going to feud with a dude who recently was entangled with Brock Lesnar. Everything about this is enraging and idiotic, and the point of it all is that Alex Riley probably should be fired into the Sun.

He beat Bo, but bigger challenges loom for the IC Champ (Photo Credit: WWE.com)

Dolph Ziggler retaining the Intercontinental Championship over Bo Dallas to kick off the first October edition of Main Event was pretty much a fait accompli. Dallas' wins over Mark Henry were getting increasingly fluky as it was; with a step up in competition despite Dallas even pulling out the double-arm DDT it seemed only a matter of time until he got Zig Zagged and defeated.

So the even better story than the Perfectly Cromulent Wrestling that was going on inside the ring was what was going on at the announce table, as the ever-erudite Cesaro joined Byron Saxton and Michael Cole and pulled off a minor classic in how to put things over and still maintain credibility. Amidst alternating his venom on both members of the new usual announce team, Cesaro not only showed he'd maintained every bit of swagger the summer could've robbed him of but put over several fine points that any objective viewer could (perhaps begrudgingly) agree with. After being prompted on why he kept referring to himself as the future IC Champ, Cesaro laid out a very convincing argument; he'd won the battle royal for #1 contendership but not only had to take his shot later on that same SmackDown, he'd gotten cheated during the pinfall in the process.

His next time around was a triple threat, and what he wanted was a straight up mano-a-mano shot at degolding the Showoff. Later on, he'd slightly put over Bo -- some of you may've remembered the brief rivalry they enjoyed down in Full Sail last year -- and noted that Mark Henry may've lost to him in triplicate due to a lack of speed, so Bo focused on that aspect of his offense and pulled out the Ws. Cesaro got his wish to face Ziggler eventually as the Champ was surprisingly dominant in the back end of the two-segger, but it'd be great for more insightful commentary with him along the way to his assumed eventual rematch.

Even with Total Divas fodder in front of them, the Coleton team brought narrative importance to the undercard fodder on display. Nikki finally managed to beat Brie with her own trademark Foley-style running knee before the Rack Attack, but it was under the auspices of a four-on-one handicap with the Slayers and Cameron as her partners. Hell, Nikki even blind-tagged herself in after knocking Summer off the apron to do it, then left on her own with her mocking ~~Hunter Pence~~ Daniel Bryan on her way up the ramp. On the headsets, Cole was sticking up for Brie and the decisions she'd made along the way during the year. Remember, in the way back when she'd quit on D-Bry's behalf and as a result Nikki had spent the spring into summer into the same types of handicap matches that she'd been facing over the past couple of weeks.

The difference? Brie showed fighting spirit, a bit of luck, and a bit of planning in clean sweeping all of her bouts before this one; Nikki had failed every single time out, presumably leading to her breaking point at Summerslam. Against lesser lights and only two at a time, even then Brie had found a way. Against two tag teams at once? She was going to be doomed eventually/ It was just a matter of when. Nikki gets the shadiest of victories to preen over, Brie is clearly capable enough and just put in an unwinnable situation, and more fuel was added to when they eventually get to knock horns one-on-one (presumably at Hell in a Cell, but don't quote me boy, etc.)

Here now, we muster sympathy for Tyson Kidd. Sure, sometimes he's a preening jerk, but what sort of reaction would you have to every single one of your coworkers emasculating you and lobbing stones at the shaky foundation of your marriage from their own glass houses? When the mouthpiece of White Savior Jack Swagger: The Shame Of A Nation is doing it on the way down to ringside and throwing in a cheap Foley pop for good measure before hitting the catchphrase, that's one thing. KANECORP (™ World Wrestling Entertainment) doing it before the match got underway in the back was something else entirely, and for the second week in a row to boot. Either way, it led to increased aggressiveness in Kidd early and the fact he was avenging a tapout RAW loss couldn't've hurt matters any. This time he not only countered the Patriot Lock by scrambling for the ropes but it set up a crisp gamengiri from the apron that gave him an opening to slingshot into the ring and rollup Swagger cleanly with a hold most probably associated with Owen Hart. While As The Harts Turn goes on, keep in mind what every NXT acolyte knows - Tyson Kidd in the middle of those ropes is not a man to be trifled with.

The show concluded with the Usos' continuing quest to get another shot at regaining the tag team Championships, but in singledom as Jey managed to triumph over Stardust by snapping off a superkick from the floor and uncorking a Superfly splash to the back to end the show. Not Cody pulled off a lot of fun offense considering the virtual sprint he was involved in, including a fine rope-hung swinging neckbreaker and a vintagely villanous Regalesque choke with his shin across the neck of a fallen opponent. The end was really innovative, as Stardust had shoved Jey off the top and it looked after he'd taken a spill to the floor that he might've re-aggravated his knee injury the Dust Brothers had caused earlier. One way or another it was a great sell job, as Stardust came to see what he'd wrought and got tuned up for his trouble, leading to the finish.

It just goes to underscore how important presentation is, especially on the shows that don't get the attention the big two -- well, okay one and a fourth -- do. It's very easy to imagine Lawler and JBL snarking their way through Tyson's balls being in Nattie's small purse and completely ignoring the fact he's whaling on a former World Champion and Money in the Bank briefcase holder, so we should also note not when things aren't made of hot garbage and Guy Fieri but when the people in charge of doing so and the Cesaros who usually aren't are advancing what we're seeing. There's not much foresight and forethought can't elevate, and even when Main Event can't deliver on a namesake level, it's the things like that that keep the small band of loyalists in the tent.

Special Report: TWB Is On Vacation Until Monday

I Listen So You Don't Have To: MegaMix!

FINALLY, Chikara IS COMING BACK... to The Arena

Best Coast Bias: Challengers Wanted

Fun Fun Fun Fest to Get Inspiring

Austin Training for a Comeback, or The Only Part of the Attitude Era I Want to See Return

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, October 6

Instant Feedback: A Tale of Two Stars

I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat Oct. 2

Daniel Bryan YES!es the Bay Area

THEORY: The People's Strudel Is Dry

Tag Team Wrestling: More Of An Art Than A Science

Elgin and ROH Keep Getting Weird with Each Other

I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 157

Your Daily Chikara Guest Spot in a Rap Video

Your Biweekly Links: Catching Up After Babby

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 4

I Listen So You Don't Have To: The Ross Report Ep. 34

Alex Riley Subtweets Seth Rollins, Makes Me Feel Rage

Best Coast Bias: Go With The Flow