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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art Of Wrestling Ep. 220

October 17, 2014, 6:30 am
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The man who cofounded SHIMMER is on the Art of Wrestling this week
Photo Credit: Gregory Davis/Dirty Dirty Sheets
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Art Of Wrestling
Episode: 220
Run Time: 1:11:13
Guest: Dave Prazak

Summary: Cabana opens the show not in his apartment, but in the dwelling place of one CM Punk. They chat a bit before kicking into the main segment with SHIMMER founder Dave Prazak. They start by discussing Prazak’s pathway into wrestling via newsletters, first as a reader and shortly thereafter as a writer, and how he spun that into an onstage and behind-the-scenes career. Discussion focuses on how talent can work together to raise everyone’s profile and the final segment covers the origin and sustained success of SHIMMER, including good words for some of its more prominent performers over the past nine years.

Quote of the week: Prazak on making as many contributions as possible: “I just wanted to earn my place. I knew that, in addition to being a wrestling manager and trying to get some heat at ringside and taking one bump, pulling somebody’s leg during the course of a match, I could put my time during the middle of that week to use typing up the newsletter, posting stuff online, trying to build a website, whatever I could do, Angelfire websites or whatever at the time. I knew that I could be of use, and that’s what I did.”

Why you should listen: Prazak is well spoken with a wide range of experiences in independent wrestling. He lacks the bitterness of someone who has helped launch so many careers while never advancing his own to the pinnacle. Though he and Cabana are longtime friends, their chumminess doesn’t rob the conversation of depth. Fans of female wrestlers in particular will enjoy hearing so many names discussed in such a positive light.

Why you should skip it: There are some persistent audio glitches starting about 25 minutes in that might turn off some listeners. In some cases, Prazak’s answers to Cabana’s questions are completely inaudible (though I fared better listening via headphones than computer speakers). If you’re prone to dislike Punk, he lets some of his less desirable qualities surface (including a questionable rape joke). There’s very little talk of people with WWE connections, so if you need some sort of main stage hook, you’ll have to wait for a different guest.

Final thoughts: I’ll be the first to admit I have a huge blind spot when it comes to wrestling outside WWE, and SHIMMER is no exception. That said, I look forward to guests like this because it broadens my horizons, either by introducing me to new names or giving me a deeper understanding of the folks I recognize from my regular viewing. You’re certainly not likely to hear most of these names on the Austin, Ross or Cheap Heat podcasts, so I’m all in favor of dipping my toe in those waters when given the chance.
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UT Supports UT

October 20, 2014, 4:30 am
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Photo via @QCosby17

After years of employer mandated reclusion thanks to a gimmick that required fans to believe he was a legitimate zombie automaton controlled by ashes in an urn, Undertaker has been turning up in the wild with astounding frequency in the last year or so. Just about a month ago, he participated in a fun run in Austin with Brandon Stroud, and yesterday, he was in attendance for the University of Texas' thrilling last-second win over Iowa State. Either the man is *this* close to retirement, or even he knows that the old kayfabe is dead and no one really needs to believe he's a shoot-zombie anymore. Then again, that illusion went out the window first when he came back as a biker, and second when he asked everyone to believe that he was super-serious about being a MMA-tapout artist with STRATS and FORMS.

Taker isn't the only WWE employee who's a booster of the Texas Longhorns. Michael Cole has taken to rooting for the team, although it's unknown whether his affectations for the team were the result of a troll on Jim Ross. More importantly, Mark Henry is a diehard Longhorn fan, which is understandable since he's from the state. With Taker and Henry on the team's side, one would think that the team wouldn't need a last minute field goal to beat Iowa State or be struggling at 3-4 right now. I guess no one can fix the mess that Texas has gotten itself into. Still, seeing Taker out in the wild like this after years of seclusion is still both weird and cool.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Cheap Heat w/Chris Jericho

October 20, 2014, 6:30 am
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Jericho joined the boys this past episode
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Cheap Heat
Episode: Oct. 16, 2014
Run Time: 1:16:17
Guest: Chris Jericho

Summary: The show opens with a 50-minute in-studio interview with Chris Jericho, who is promoting his most recent book. Jericho explains juggling his Fozzy obligations with WWE opportunities, his working relationship with Vince McMahon, his early days in both WWF and WCW, the feud with Shawn Michaels that ultimately elevated his career, his desire to keep being one of the guys, CM Punk’s departure and Jericho’s approach to life as an “entertainer.” After Jericho leaves, Shoemaker and Rosenberg take a look at this week’s RAW and discuss Rosenberg’s upcoming trip to Japan.

Quote of the week: On his months-long story with Shawn Michaels: “We just kept rolling with this thing and it really was catching steam and people were really getting into it because I was such an asshole and he was such a good babyface, it was the perfect mix. And plus we cared, we had creative minds, we had imagination, we had experience, we had reputation, we had the ear of the boss, who knew that we had ideas that he could trust, so it’s one of those things I don’t know if it will ever happen again because it was just this perfect mix. When I punched his wife in the face for real, that’s what took it from another feud to a legendary story that people thought was real.”

Why you should listen: As the hosts note after he leaves, Jericho is somewhat above the rules in regards to being able to discuss openly certain backstage stories and names without repercussion. He’s had a hall of fame career and has stories about nearly any big name you can envision, and though 50 minutes is only scratching the surface, the hosts do a decent job of trying to cover a lot of ground while also letting certain topics breathe enough to satisfy the listeners’ curiosity.

Why you should skip it: Can you handle Jericho comparing himself to George Harrison (in contrast to the Rock and Steve Austin as Lennon and McCartney)? No bones about it, Chris Jericho is a huge fan of Chris Jericho. While Rosenberg’s heel act is muted this week, there’s no shortage of Y2J’s worldview. One Jericho leaves the studio, feel free to move on to another activity. The guys seem to feel obligated to discuss RAW each week, though they rarely have much to add to the discourse given their show drops three days later.

Final thoughts: If you’re not a Talk Is Jericho listener and haven’t read his books (I don’t and haven’t) a lot of this will be uncharted territory. Jericho is a lot like Steve Austin and Mick Foley in terms of his longevity and the number of people he’s worked with over the years, but with the benefit of being in WCW near the start of the nWo era and also actively working on WWE shows as recently as a few weeks ago. I’d really like to know what Shoemaker could do in a two-hour sitdown with Jericho, especially if Jericho could fully break himself out of promotional mode, but this episode was about as close to the best-case scenario for the mix of the three personalities and the setting. Cheap Heat haters might not be moved off their platform, and the same could be said for anyone experiencing Jericho fatigue. But go in with an open mind and it’s pretty solid.
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RIP Ox Baker

October 20, 2014, 8:30 am
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 RIP Ox Baker
Photo Credit: Pro Wrestling Illustrated via WWE.com
Ox Baker, the pro wrestling legend known for his devastating Heart Punch, long, bushy moustache, t-shirts with ostentatious messages, and post-wrestling career in bit movie roles, has passed away. He was 80 years old. Baker's death was announced earlier this morning by Jerry Lawler on Twitter. The cause of death is unknown at this point.

Baker began wrestling in the '60s and worked for several important territories during his career. Although he did not innovate the Heart Punch, he made it his own through the most carny of means possible. Two wrestlers in the '70s died shortly after taking the ring with him. According to Wikipedia, Alberto Torres and Ray Gunkel both died shortly after wrestling against Baker and taking the Heart Punch. While Torres' cause of death was a ruptured appendix, and Gunkel died in the dressing room afterwards due to an unrelated-to-the-biz heart attack, Baker's legend was enhanced immensely (although in private, he was distraught over being associated with those deaths).

Although Baker retired in the early '80s, he continued to make sporadic appearances even up until late last year. His post-wrestling career included credits in movies such as Escape from New York and Jackie Chan's The Big Brawl. He also appeared on The Price Is Right as a contestant, which can be seen below (a tip of the hat to David Bixenspan for posting that video).

Baker's career, both inside and out of wrestling was full and accomplished. He is rightfully remembered as one of the all-time greats, a man who exuded professional wrestling beginning with his signature look. He touched a lot of people, whether as a performer, trainer, actor, or friend, and I hope that his family and friends and fans all find peace and solace. Rest in peace, Ox.

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Best Coast Bias: Reedemable At The Pay Window

October 20, 2014, 10:30 am
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This here what you call redemption
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Coming up Thursday at 9 pm EST on Stamford New Classics, the Sami Zayn Redemption.

As opaque as things have been between himself and his friendfrenemy friend for now at least Adrian Neville in the past few weeks, Zayn's promo after Baron Corbin beat some guy so fast time may have reversed was not. (It should also be noted that Alex Riley of all people calling Sami Zayn a choker is like a Raiders fan...well, like a Raiders fan saying anything this year that isn't "Dear God, what I have done?") He didn't dodge the loss that happened in last week's main to Titus O'Neil, and said he was sick and tired of it. His eyes were still set on the prize, and as the crowd was applauding him yet again a wild Tyson Kidd emerged with an InZayn shirt on to ruin the feel-good moment. Zayn was never going to win the Big X (a bit disappointing that Sami didn't have a rejoinder to that, since Kidd is currently on the outside looking in by edict of his last lost to the Man That Gravity Forgot), and how dare he lie to the NXT Universe, the people behind TK All Day? While Zayn got a You Got Served chant going by asking if Kidd had Nattie's permission to appear, he hit right back with saying he'd rather be on Total Divas than a total loser. Eventually, it sussed out they'd renew hostilities in the main event.

In case you were very new to the programming or your closed captioning was on the fritz, even before the match proper began Kidd threw the shirt at Zayn, landing on his shoulder and on the ropes next to him. Zayn then left the ring and threw it into the Full Sail crowd, making sure to point out the brief "Where is Nattie?" chant that started before they engaged in some chain wrestling that split pretty much down the middle with Zayn getting the final upper hand in the earliest part and adding insult to injury by whipping Kidd's coat at him and actually hitting him in the face. While it's cool that occurred, it wouldn't be a surprise for any viewer with a few weeks of viewing under their belt to suspect Zayn may've not done this pre-Fatal 4 Way. Everyone's favorite Syrian-Canadian managed to stop laughing long enough at the Tyson's Chicken chants to fire off his trademark armdrag chain and even his bananas Arabian moonsault into Mutumbo finger wag feint.

Had there been no such thing as commercial breaks the Zayn offensive might've rolled on unabated, but Tyson got in a nasty running kick from the apron. In the second act, both men's desperation showed clearly. Zayn was clearly motivated to not end up in the slot behind the 8-ball that Kidd finds himself currently in, so through the double jump flying bodypresses, snap-back Blue Thunder bombs and snap fisherman's neckbreakers every kick out by one man seemed to send the other one closer to a breaking point. In the end Zayn survived a Sharpshooter but Kidd didn't the Helluva Kick, and so the subquestion orbiting around the main question is this: can this road to redemption get Zayn the belt he deserves and needs while keeping him on the side of the white hats?

In terms of making their minutes count, nobody has done it any better in Florida than Enzo Amore, Big Cass, and their new friend Carmella. The NYC Triad carried the middle of the show on their respective backs, and caused the Legionnaires to implode in the process. Cass starting whaling on Sylvester Lefort, who tagged in Marcus Louis but accidentally took the Angle tribute headpiece on his stagger out of the ring. This is the point at which Louis broke, since Lefort is the reason he's running around looking like Uncle Fester. As Cass and Amore stared in happy shock, Louis beat his partner around the ring to Daniel-Bryan styled Oui! chants. So with that match a non-event, they decided to bring out a fetching and popular independent lass who'd immediately get shorthanded as a name to Blue Pants for her attire choice as Cass riffed a bit with the Price is Right music to bring her to the ring since obviously she wouldn't have a song yet. (Lest we forget, Cass has been across the ring with Aiden English showing off his pipes and at least held his own.) Carmella then came up to a Fancy ripoff and gave Cass a smooch on both cheeks and Amore the Heisman yet again before she put on her submission in short order. The Let's Go Blue Pants chants failed to help her opponent. 'Mella's dropkick and finisher look fine but she's barely gotten her toes into the NXT women's division pool; we'll see how this showcase looks down the road.

In that pool, the shark du jour is Charlotte, who again showed off a ridiculous amount of skill and was met in kind even though she managed to best Becky Lynch again with the Rude Awakening ^ Natural Selection combo platter. They traded some chain wrestling and arm work to start, and if it wasn't Zayn/Kidd level it wasn't that far off. It's always fun to see a Championship-holding Flair getting armdragged around the ring and getting increasingly frustrated, you know? It's a part of childhood like Fun Dip and staying out on summer days until it got dark and your mom yelled at you to get inside the house from down the way. Once the momentum got in her side of the ledger the Champion did her signature wear-down figure four headlock and then shrugged off a lighting legdrop chain before uncorking an overhead suplex that bore at least a passing similarity to certain awesome current GMs.

The women's match may again have been the best one on offer for the show; at the very least it stole it. And backstage things continued to get interesting, as Lynch went up to Sasha who was preening in a mirror and rebuked her for jumping Bayley. But it was her saying she hoped the Boss got what was coming to her that made the Bostonian respond the only thing that'd be would be the belt; of course, Lynch couldn't ever hope to get there since she's lost to Charlotte twice. Where's being nice ever going to get or Bayley, for that matter? Doesn't she know what it'll take for her to get to the top? Sasha left, having pretty solidly played the Summer Rae to Lynch's...Sasha Banks. Either that, or that mirror is made out of the same stuff that got inside the Army tank with a Ferrari engine way back when. Pro wrestling might be fake, but Oculus is real.

With Mojo Rawley possibly dying on the way back to his home planet, the Lucha Dragons putting together their first W of their post-Ascension era, and Viktor and Konnor cackling about what they did to Funaki and Hideo last week while almost virtually promising No Possible Comeuppance Ever, it was a packed show that flew by in maybe a third of the time you might expect. But it still ended with a smile on Sami Zayn's face.

We'll see how long he gets to keep it.
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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, October 20

October 20, 2014, 4:30 pm
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YOU NEVER GO FULL MEMPHIS, NICOLE
Photo Credit: @IchibanDrunk
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Nicole Matthews (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Matthews unexpectedly won the SHIMMER World Championship this past weekend thanks to a timely fireball to the face of Madison Eagles to get the deciding pin in the four way title match. Matthews has been, no pun intended, on fire this year with her second big title win, as she's also the reigning and defending Elite Canadian Championship Wrestling Champion too. Some say that getting the title with shenanigans is cheap, but I say if you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'. Ninjas reign supreme, y'all.

2. Madison Eagles (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Of course, Eagles, a former SHIMMER Champion as well, has a legitimate gripe over being scorched in the face. Then again, being a native of Australia, the fire couldn't have been that much of an obstacle for the Punisher. Grabbing the morning mail is an activity where the average Aussie risks life and limb. Ficus plants are marginally deadly on the Continent Down Under. I'm sure she'll rebound just finely after taking a fireball to the face.

3. Filet Mignon (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - Anyone who says this cut of meat has no flavor has had it prepared wrong for them their whole lives. The king of steaks.

4. Kana (Last Week: 6) - Honestly, Kana is just taking it easy on the Americans and other assorted gaijin, because if she really turned on the jets, she might be leading a dictatorial junta over the Chicagoland area right now. If she comes back to America WrestleMania weekend next year with her captain's hat, then everyone should collectively shit their pants.

5. AJ Lee (Last Week: 3) - Okay, so not every member of the list competed at SHIMMER this weekend. In fact, rumor has it that AJ Lee womped the crap out of Layla not because she preemptively walked out on Lee before she could do the same, but because she wanted a chance to unify the Divas Title with the SHIMMER strap and was denied by upper management. I may have made that up, but I'LL NEVER TELL.

6. Athena (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She beat Cheerleader Melissa twice in one weekend, first getting the pin on her in the elimination match for the title, and again by tapping her out. If that doesn't scream bad-ass, then, well, maybe you are cynical about the worked nature of wrestling which I am sorry for your state of mind and don't begrudge you your jadedness.

7. Paige (Last Week: 2) - Paige is totally jealous that her mom gets to hang out with all the cool rudos while she only gets Alicia Fox. Not that Foxy is a slouch, but she's only one woman. Unless she has multiple personality disorder, which at this point, anything's on the table.

8. Portia Perez (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sure, she got thrown into a trash can, but she got the last laugh in that she doesn't have to go back to work for TNA now.

9. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The only thing better than someone selling a shirt with her likeness on it (and her reveling in it) would be if she had a gimmick table at the Supreme Court Building where she sold not only shirts but 8x10 glossies, stickers, patches, and back issues of The Atomic Elbow. Hey, everyone needs a hand.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: Not Ranked) - SARA DEL REY FACT: Her campaign to get SHIMMER relocated to Florida so she could wear a moustache and compete under the name Rara sel Dey was shot down, mainly because Dave Prazak just loves Chicago-style deep-dish too much.
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Instant Feedback: Tropes vs. Wrestlers

October 20, 2014, 8:35 pm
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Dammit, don't make Ambrose into just another guy
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In terms of narrative direction, WWE does one thing exceedingly well. This company knows how to turn its hottest wrestlers into "just another guy." The altar to its top star, whether it be John Cena or one of his forefathers, is soaked with the blood of up and comers who dared demand room made at the top. Sometimes, those wrestlers make it to the top of the food chain, but they never make it the same. They always lose something, because they have to make it on WWE's terms, not their own. Whether it be Ricky Steamboat or CM Punk or anyone in between who had a flicker of a spark, the WWE machine uncannily was able to grind them down into a fine paste before they were able to be rehydrated. The notable exception was Steve Austin, who made it because the company was lagging behind another, and because he hit so big, every character going forward had to be something like him.

Some weeks, this modus operandi is well-hidden, but no matter how many glimmers of hope that are given, WWE ends up jerking the narrative back towards something familiar to millions, something safe, something that's been done before. The magnetic star in the making is given material that he may or may not be able to save, and other wrestlers below him on the pecking order lose protection, whether they're holding a title or not. Everybody's stupid. No one gets ahead. The most memorable spot on the show may or may not go to a returning star or a celebrity who won't be there the next week.

Tonight's RAW was an exercise in familiarity. Dean Ambrose, the singularly charismatic wild card, was made to do shitty prop comedy before getting pinned clean as a whistle to end the show. Dolph Ziggler, Sheamus, and AJ Lee all lost matches to set up title bouts to happen in six days. The Bella Twins big blowoff at Hell in a Cell was given a stipulation that could end up being good if it were executed on NXT or in an indie with better rep like Chikara. Once again, Randy Orton and John Cena were plugged into the highest-stakes match on the card despite the fact that the booking had set up other wrestlers to get that shine. The best moments were fleeting at best.

Then again, WWE gets extra lazy for the "go home" shows to its special events, but it's not like the creative staff has been hitting it out of the park. The disconnect is as wide as it has ever been. Sometimes, I think that Vince McMahon and his writers intentionally sabotage anyone who comes close to making it across the void. Why else would the same script be in play every week? Why else would these habits continue to play out? It's insidious, a culture that breeds death and despair rather than growth and morale.

The thing is that Vince McMahon still gets this reputation as being a genius. Obviously, I don't agree, but even if he was once a genius, he's certainly there anymore. I don't know how much quality of the show correlates to take-home revenue the company gets, and I don't pretend to, either. So whatever bottom line he gets and is happy with or whatever is attributed to his savvy as a businessman. You don't need to be a genius to succeed at business, to be honest. Some people have made shitloads of money with terrible products.

But then again, some of those terrible products have at least been ideas no one's tried yet. WWE repeats itself every week, and then the brass has the gall to leak its displeasure with talent not being able to get over to the dirtsheets like it's their fault the material they're given is sub-Uwe Boll. Dean Ambrose could be a dynamic presence on the show, but not if he's beating up effigies in the most Degeneration-X way possible. Even if Dolph Ziggler or Sheamus aren't able to carry the top of the show, they can be generals of the midcard, but not if their title reigns are jokes. WWE could be an enjoyable watch, even at the three-hour timestamp every Monday, but not if it keeps puking out the same garbage and expecting fans to eat it up like half-digested worms out of a robin's gullet.
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I Listen So You Don't Have So: Steve Austin Show Ep. 160

October 21, 2014, 4:30 am
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Austin gives play-by-play analysis on this classic match
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed
Episode: 160
Run Time: 1:06:12
Guest: None

Summary: Stone Cold opens the show chatting with Stacy at the Podcast One studio. They talk a little football before discussing WrestleMania X-Seven as a prelude to the meat of the show - Austin watching his WWF Title match with The Rock and giving his insight. There’s talk about the mechanics of this specific match, asides about ring work in general and Austin’s recollections of the event. After the match he speaks a bit about the aftermath, though that portion is brief as his memories of that time period aren’t solid.

Quote of the week:“Throw the monitor! They don’t teach you this shit in wrestling school.”

Why you should listen: That segment actually starts at 24:22, but the lead-in is certainly worth your time. You can find the new commentary paired to the video of the match online (or you can sync them yourself, which is the way to go if you want your patience rewarded with superior video quality), but even so I’d suggest listening to Austin discuss the issues surrounding this main event before diving in to the commentary.

Why you should skip it: Do you like hearing Austin saying “Wham!” and “Boom!” 837 times? If not, you might get a little fatigued here. The commentary is great when Austin discusses strategy, positioning and philosophy, less so when he lapses into simple play-by-play. If you can’t get video of the match, it’s unlikely this will be very enjoyable, unless you’ve seen the fight enough to have it committed to memory.

Final thoughts: Without doing the math, I’d say Austin talks over about 90 percent of the match, so you’re really getting a fair amount of insight with just enough raw audio to retain the excitement of a WrestleMania main event. Any sharp criticism here feels like nitpicking because this is a great concept fairly well executed. At one point I thought perhaps it would be more enjoyable if Rock were in studio with Austin, but after watching the entire match I think I’d prefer Rock record his own track. Some of the novelty was missing simply because Austin has discussed this match on his podcast so many times, so for the next attempt I might like to see another big moment that’s been less explored (such as his King of the Ring victory over Jake Roberts, though as a match it pales to the moment of his coronation address). I doubt WWE would get behind producing a show like this for the Network, but it’s safe to say Austin has a little room for improvement with some professional guidance from someone with experience producing DVD commentary tracks. He’ll get better with each one he tries, especially if someone gives solid feedback, but as a first effort this was pretty well executed.
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Dispatches from the Lake: The Once Proud Intercontinental Championship

October 21, 2014, 9:15 am
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What the hell happened to you, IC Title?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Fourth of July, 2011. The place? Chicago. The time? No idea. I was floating in a pool with a beer in my hand, future husband at my side, and chatting with some friends about wrestling. These gents were roommates with my dearest friend, and had made the mistake of mentioning they liked wrestling once when we were hanging out. For the previous few years, I had only my cousin to chat with about it, so having some new folks to discuss the ridiculousness with was great. I didn’t watch religiously, but knew enough about what was going on at the moment that I could have a conversation about it.

The topic of conversation that day was CM Punk and the pipe bomb that pulled so many of us back into the wrestling fold. Excited and a little drunk, we all decided that we would attend the upcoming Money in the Bank pay-per-view to see Punk challenge John Cena for the title.

I hadn’t cared about a title match for quite some time. Sure, there were various bouts from my height as a fan that I was deeply invested in. When Mankind won the title for the first time, I went nuts! That’s not even mentioning the Goldberg vs. Diamond Dallas Page match from Halloween Havoc 1998. I was so pleased with that match—horrible technical issues aside—that I can remember praying to a god I no longer believe in to bless both men for such a great display of sportsmanship at the end of the match. That was 16 years ago, and I’m kind of mortified that I typed it here. Also, just avoid Havoc ’98. That was one of the first things I watched when I got the Network and holy shit, does that main event not match what I had remembered. And the less said about that Hulk Hogan against Warrior match, the better.

But this is to give you all some context. The Punk/Cena match and the Goldberg/DDP match have next to nothing in common, save that it was for the premier championship in those promotions. Both these matches held weight because holding the titles meant something. Listen to some of the interviews wrestlers give from the 1990s and the early 2000s. To be given the title was to be given the faith of the company. Or it used to be.

WWE has a problem with their titles these days. Top to bottom, they just don’t mean anything anymore. I thought that the WWE World Heavyweight Championship was on the road to relevance again, especially after Daniel Bryan’s run to WrestleMania this year. I still have some faith that title can be righted in the coming months, but my rant about how John Cena is presented as more important than the title is a screed for another time.

With this article, I’d like to focus on the Intercontinental Title. Once seen as a stepping stone for the stars of tomorrow, the once prestigious belt means less than nothing these days. To be Intercontinental Champion these days simply means that you will lose practically every match you wrestle. Or does it just seem that way? Are we, the wrestling fans who are interested in compelling narratives and logical bookings, just being terrible smarks that need something, ANYTHING, to complain about?

Let’s look to the data, shall we?

Because I am a nerd who finished Kingdom Hearts 1.5 Remix earlier this week, I needed something else to occupy my free time. With my husband hiding in lockers for the foreseeable future with Alien Isolation, I jumped onto Cagematch and Wikipedia and pulled some information on the last twenty years of Intercontinental Champions. I was interested in non-title matches that were either on television or pay-per-view. I left out any multi-man matches, unless they were for the title. So no randomly slapped together tag matches were counted. Singles matches only. In my opinion, if a wrestler holds a title, they should be defending it. What’s the harm in putting them in matches for the title? Just have them win. Then, said wrestler comes out looking strong, like a champion should.

As you can see from the chart below, WWE felt the same way until 2009 when the total number of non-title matches jumped from seventeen to thirty-two. After dipping back down to twenty the following year, 2011 was back to thirty-two with 2012 reaching fifty-five non-title matches. FIFTY-FIVE! That’s bonkers!


But hey, no harm no foul if the champs are winning, right? It would be pointless, but not make the champions look as ineffectual as Kane’s been the last year.

In 2012, the Intercontinental Champion lost twenty-four of fifty-five non-title defenses. That’s forty-four percent. 2013 looks like it starts to reverse the upward trend that began in 2009. Of the fifty-four non-title defenses from that year, nineteen were losses, thirty-five percent.


We need some context for these numbers, though. If the Champion was defending the belt and winning twice as often as losing in non-title match ups, then these numbers wouldn’t be so maddening. Lucky for you, I have that data too.



The data after 2006 is where I start to pull my hair out. Why? Why the hell would you have the Champion not defending the title more often than defending? The last few years are especially disturbing. What is the point of having a Champion in your company lose so much? If I may pull a quote from the "Flight of the Cruiserweights" episode of the Monday Night Wars, “The more people that are stars on the roster just helps everybody. I don’t think they cared enough to try.” Billy Kidman said that. A current employee of the WWE said those words with no sense of irony. Granted, Kidman has no say over how things go on the show. Those decisions begin and end with Vince McMahon. I just don’t understand the logic in this booking.

We can take solace in the fact that we aren’t going crazy. The Intercontinental Champion has been losing non-title matches more often than defending the title, dropping the ball in the potential building of new stars on the show. The Intercontinental Champion was once a prestigious title. Over the last few years, it’s become a joke as have some of the wrestlers who have held it.

Poor, poor Wade Barrett has felt the brunt of this ridiculousness. Over the course of his four reigns as Intercontinental Champion, Barrett has competed in more than twice as many non-title matches as title defenses. Of the top ten, only Chris Jericho and Jeff Jarrett competed in more title defenses than non-title matches.


Ultimately, this data is meaningless. Wins and losses don’t mean anything in wrestling, but can be used as a tool to build the character. There are enough wrestlers employed by the company that can provide wins for the Intercontinental Champion without sacrificing other popular wrestlers’ credibility. WWE, above anything else that we might expect from them, is an entertainment company. Entertainment lives and dies with compelling characters that you want to see more of. A Champion who comes out and loses all these non-title matches is not compelling. Remember Barrett before he was banging a gavel and standing atop a giant, rising podium? He hadn’t been interesting since the Nexus. The title was toxic for him.

At the very least, if WWE is uninterested in presenting stories that make sense, then the characters can at least be interesting. And as enjoyable as the current Intercontinental Champion, Dolph Ziggler, can be in the ring, he needs a jolt to his character. Give him a compelling motivation and put him in a program that he can sink his teeth into. Just having the Intercontinental Championship isn’t doing him any favors. If I were him, I’d want it off my waist as soon as possible.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 161

October 22, 2014, 4:30 am
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Austin took calls in his latest episode
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show
Episode: 161
Run Time: 1:23:27
Guest: None

Summary: After about 20 minutes of small talk, including a chat with his wife about his upcoming departure to film another season of Broken Skull Challenge, Austin does another Tuesday call-in show and answers listeners’ questions about the Brian Pillman home invasion angle, beer drinking and the Sandman, wrestling books, deer sausage, working with Vince McMahon, Bret Hart and the Rock, Cesaro’s future, the lack of black heavyweight champions, the finish of his Survivor Series 1996 match, NXT, Bruiser Brody, Brock Lesnar ending the Undertaker’s WrestleMania streak and The Rise and Fall of WCCW.

Quote of the week:“Here’s the thing. I was one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all time. I’m not blowing smoke up my ass, but that’s the truth. … I don’t like big-picture scenarios. I like give me the scenario that I’m in and I can put salt and pepper on that steak and make it better than it was. I don’t know the broad strokes of all the storylines and wouldn’t want to deal with all the minutiae of the details that regarded booking an entire territory. You’re asking a lot out of guys — just because you’re great in the ring would not make you a great booker.”

Why you should listen: Like last week’s show, Austin spends enough time with each caller to be generous but moves along quickly enough to keep the show a lot more interesting than his no-guest offerings. With the exception of the opening chitchat and the deer sausage diversion, the topics are almost entirely about wrestling. Further, the questions move about Austin’s career and into the present day nicely so it isn’t too heavily focused on one specific time period.

Why you should skip it: As usual with the call-in shows, the questions come from people who say they listen to every episode yet ask Austin to talk about topics he’s already covered at length. Or perhaps Austin simply defaults to certain comfort zone talking points. We can presume Austin is at least somewhat involved in curating the questions, so he must take blame on one or both sides of the street. Either way, the only fresh topic on this week’s show is the issue of race and the lack of black champions, and Austin was in no way prepared to give that issue the focus it warrants.

Final thoughts: I’ve ragged on Stone Cold for his guest-free shows, but as I noted last week, his interactions with listeners are a huge upgrade over 90-minute monologues and a noticeable step above shows where he responds to emails. If you’re looking for a mildly entertaining way to burn 80 minutes, go for it. But if you’re expecting depth, thought-provoking responses or shocking new information, you’ll have to wait for another show.
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Your Midweek Links: Who's Your Favorite?

October 22, 2014, 6:30 am
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Was Bryan Twitter's favorite wrestler?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Wrestling Links:

- Twitter's Favorite Wrestlers: A Very Scientific Poll [Medium]

- Ten Planned WWE Title Switches That Never Happened [Camel Clutch Blog]

- The Merch Table: The King of Swag-Style, Shinsuke Nakamura [Wrestling on Earth]

- The Best and Worst of RAW: Katie Vick Now Available in TV-PG [With Spandex]

- NXT Report Card, Part One: The Brand's Successes and Failures [Wrassle Rap]

- Wrestler of the Year Candidates Guide [Voices of Wrestling]

- Wrestling in the Clinton Years Is One [4CR Wrestling]

- The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling: Highway to Shell [With Spandex]

- The Bundy Five: Hulk Hogan Halloween Costumes [Old School Jabronis]

- Why Cesaro Needs to Join the Authority [¡Olé! Wrestling]

- Revolution Pro Wrestling Review: Okada vs. Aries [Voices of Wrestling]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- Blue Duck Sandwich Co.: Philadelphia, PA [Holzerman Hungers]

- How to Make Fried Mozzarella Instead of Getting It at a Crummy Bar [Foodspin]

- Michael Sam Cut and Absolutely No One Cares [Strong Takes]

- Monday Morning Jerkface, Week 7 [The Footbawl Blog]

- All the Different Ways Peyton Manning's Career Could End [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

- Here's How One Enterprising Woman Got Reddit to Masturbate to Her Husband's Butt [UPROXX]

- 15 Brutal Insults from Roger of American Dad [Warming Glow]

- 22 Questions Begging to Be Answered When You Rewatch Ghostbusters II [Gamma Squad]

- Someone Free This Poor Dog from Her Indentured Servitude as a Meme [Gawker]

- A Lot of People Are Finally Fed Up with GamerGate's Crusade Against Women [The Verge]

- Why GamerGaters Piss Me the Fuck Off [The Cauldron]

- How Young Earth Creationism Fuels the Opposition to Gay Marriage [io9]

- Ten Legitimately Good Uses for Abandoned Prisons [Gawker]

- The Pokemon Battle That Should Not Have Been Cut from Red/Blue [Kotaku]
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Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 6

October 22, 2014, 10:30 am
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What is CM Punk's current mood?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's me, it's me, it's that miner of ESS-SEE-DOUBLE OH-PEE-ESS, Horb Flerbminber BACK with the juiciest news, the hottest gossip, the steamiest rumors, and the most molten TAKES in all pro wrestling. If you're one of the many people reading this every week, you know you're getting the BEST in wrestling news around. If you're not reading FUCK YOU unless you decide to read. I don't know why anyone would want to DENY themselves the best and most informative thing they'd ever read in their sorry lives, but here we are. These scoops SAVE LIVES. In fact, the reason why ebola has only killed ONE person in America is because reading PRO WRESTLING SKOOPZ has been proven by medical science to be a vaccination against the disease.

As usual, if you have any hot tips, links to savings on baked beans, or if you know of a place where I can get high-quality white-man-on-black-woman-while-both-are-wearing-high-heels-and-the-guy-is-wearing-a-fake-beard porn (I have VERY SPECIFIC fetishes), send them to my e-mail address, ProWrestlingSKOOPZ at gmail dot com. All your tips are very important to me, but not important enough for me to credit you. Seriously, you should feel thankful that I gave you my e-mail address in the first place. Do you know how many stray dogs have contacted me about wanting a place to sleep? I AM TAKING MY LIFE INTO MY HANDS HERE, PEOPLE. However, if you want up to the minute SCOOPS in both real and fake time, check in on my Twitter feed, @HorbFlerbminber. I tweet straight FIRE, and sometimes water, because the fires get TOO HOT. My Twitter is the feed that dirt sheet stans are AFRAID of because I drop so much truth that it makes their idols look like fools. FOOLS.

Back issues of SKOOPZ were on sale, but the Hamburgler STOLE THEM and now he won't give them back. THANKS OBUNGLER.

To recoup losses from the back newsletters going missing, I am selling my body, both for science AND for sex. If you have a scientific study that you need done, or if you want a warm hole or a hard rod to satisfy your needs, I am your man. I only reject your offer if you don't pay enough. If you need even MORE PROOF, here is a testimonial from Humberto Gorbachev from Satan's Kingdom, MA:
I paid Mr. Flerbminber to jack off on a pile of dirty laundry while I hung from the ceiling by my legs upside down. Not only could he not get maintain an erection, he ate all the Funyuns and Ho-Hos in the house. The crushing disappointment made me take stock in my life, and I've lost 15 pounds and don't need voyeurism to ejaculate anymore. Thanks, Horb!
Another satisfied customer.

Be sure to check, check, check, check it out.

- TNA will be holding a tag team tournament over its next set of television tapings. The winners' prize will be never being signed by WWE when TNA folds sometime in February.

- CM Punk is currently enraged.

- Seth Rollins was once again put into a situation where he was in the line of fire of a descending metal object that could have crushed him on Monday. Sources insist that these incidents happening are coincidental, but one source has told me that it's the intentional work of new WWE Creative booking team member, Green Lantern Fan.

- Michael Elgin recorded a shoot interview with Highspots, and you're going to have to pay me a lot of money if you want me to review that shit.

- John Cena is slated to become a reality TV producer. His first project is Wrestling Mythbusters, where he shows how everyone's gimmick is fake. The first episode, slated to shoot next Tuesday, will detail how Randy Orton isn't even a real snake.

- Manager mixture Arts Martial, entertainment, sports and Bamba, is proud to announce the weight average bout for Bamba 17, which includes me, "Butcher" Chadwick Connor vs. "When Hook" Cook and Jack mkgann signed a deal long-term with the organization and would be facing farmers kevan the bout lightweight Cafe Victoria, Manchester on December 6.

- In response to the announcement that WWE has instituted a new, zero-tolerance domestic abuse policy to its Wellness Program, Ring of Honor chairman Joe Koff said, "Eh, yeah, I guess we think women are people."

- HOT RUMOR: Tyson Kidd putting cats on his kneepads is the only pussy he's gotten in the last few months.

- A TNA #GamerGate stable where Manik and Norv Fernum would go around to each individual Knockout and tell them why they dare oppress the males on the roster was nixed when Jessicka Havok shoved Fernum halfway into a tube of toothpaste. In a related note, Fernum's flatulence has smelled like wintergreen for the last week and a half.

- WWE's soundtrack for its latest game received rave reviews from The Onion, The Daily Currant, and John Cena, Sr.

- Current plans for Bray Wyatt include the pregnant belly in his vignettes as a jump off point to introduce the eTrade baby into WWE.

- Renee Young recently received high praise from WWE officials, but it turns out it was just a rib on her not wearing shoes.

- Undertaker was spotted on the sidelines at the Texas/Iowa State game Saturday, but he was thrown out of the stadium by Charlie Strong for violating team rules.

- The latest Ross Report features Jim Ross talking to Mark Madden and OH MY GOD NO OKAY OKAY I'LL WATCH THE ELGIN SHOOT. JESUS.

- Top WWE heel insults the local sports team, and somehow this is top grade news.

- SHIMMER results from this past weekend are redacted from this week's report, because of angry letters I have received from #GamerGate about how I cover too much women's wrestling.

- Justin Roberts was fired from WWE this past week. Insider sources say that it was because of a tiff he had with Michael Cole, but I have the REAL SCOOP. Apparently, he was caught with his [PLEASE INSERT FIVE DOLLARS TO READ THE REST OF THIS NEWS ITEM]

- Finally, the WON Hall of Fame tallying has been finished, and, you know what, every year that Head Cheese remains off the ballot is a year this thing is a SHAM.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: The Ross Report Ep. 36

October 23, 2014, 6:30 am
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Madden is Ross' guest this week
Photo Credit: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: The Ross Report
Episode: 36
Run Time: 1:52:16
Guest: Mark Madden

Summary: The interview starts after about 34 minutes. JR and Madden talk about Mick Foley, which leads into a discussion about Kevin Steen and some other NXT stars. Madden addresses his problems with Vince Russo, then there’s discussion about the concept of humor in wrestling and potential in-ring appearances of Steve Austin, Sting and the Undertaker. They trade some Brian Pillman stories, Madden explains how he “saved” the Ric Flair book, they look at the present and future booking of Brock Lesnar and end by comparing and contrasting TNA and Ring of Honor as part of a larger talk about the general state of the business.

Quote of the week: Madden: “A lot of people can look at something booked and they can’t come up with a better idea, but they can tell you with accuracy whether what they’ve been presented with will work or not. And I’ve always said if there’s one thing that wrestling companies need, if there’s one position that needs to be created, it’s quality control editor. It would be very wise for every wrestling company to hire someone who’s very smart to the business, a veteran, who does nothing but takes a TV script and goes through with a fine-tooth comb and points out flaws in logic, gaps in continuity, what makes sense, what doesn’t, maybe fine tune or suggest a little thing here or there. Basically the job would be to keep errors from getting on TV, because a lot of times, as you know, those gaps in logic and continuity just get on TV and make people scratch their heads. It can take a good storyline and you can lose people, just with one mistake.”

Why you should listen: Madden is nothing if not opinionated, and since he started working with WCW in 1994 he’s certainly qualified to offer insight on a few aspects of the world of professional wrestling. He’s obviously still following the current product in multiple forms, and JR is a willing match for Madden’s strong personality. The part in which Madden details his perceptions of the flaws in Russo’s philosophy seems to be a fair criticism, though it’s not hard to come out of an argument with Vic Venom looking like the smarter guy.

Why you should skip it: Like Russo, Madden also is well known for having something of a toxic personality. Ninety minutes is a long time to listen to a guy so full of himself and his own reputation with barely any contrast from the host. JR does state when he disagrees with Madden, but they rarely explore their contention and usually just move on to another subject. And of course there’s the unavoidable air of old guys complaining. That’s not to say they don’t levy some fair criticisms, but if you saw Madden’s name as the guest and were expecting crusty white dudes whining, those fears are not baseless. Also, if you remain concerned about the whereabouts of El Generico, skip the NXT talk.

Final thoughts: I don’t hate Madden as much as many folks, and I’m actually pretty tolerant of JR’s repeat visits to his now-tired talking points. There is a lot of familiar territory here — we’ve all heard plenty about JR’s vision for WrestleMania XXXII in Dallas — but for as long a chat as this was it’s not a horrible listen. Perhaps a break in the middle is advisable, and the format makes that quite reasonable. You just have to take Madden with a grain of salt, there are a few solid nuggets for anyone willing to pan through the rest of the stream.
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Best Coast Bias: Soft Cell

October 23, 2014, 8:30 am
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The closer managed to somewhat mitigate the train wreck of an opener, but not enough
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The opening segment died on its way back to its home planet now let us never speak of it again.

As for the rest of the Main Event? Well, at least nothing else was so bad Michael Cole could do everything short of bring a gong out from under the table and bang it while railing against how horrible what was happening in the ring was and be correct whilst doing it. The signature that closed out the show was a rubber match of sorts between Jack Swagger and Seth Rollins, both men seemingly eerily familiar in a match that like most of their previous encounters in their battles went to the self-proclaimed Architect and current golden briefcase holder. There was a fine bit of foreshadowing in the opening chunk via a (we don't like you if you're) Mexican standoff between the match participants, Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury, and Unkie Zeb on the floor.

Since he was in the heart of the heartland, Swagger had The People behind him as he mustered up a rally with suplexes and finally the Patriot Lock, only to get distracted by the former Smackdown signatures outside the ring threatening his cornerman in a vague way. That loose bit of thread was all the Authority's golden child needed to unravel the sweater, as he closed out after that in under a couple minutes later even busting out the springboard knee strike along the way to his win before taking on his old buddy Dean-O inside the Cell Sunday.

Oddly enough, between that and the Ishtar of opening segments between the Tag Team Title participants, that was as close to a hard sell for the Network Special in a few days as was going to come. Big E took another step towards getting off the side of the milk carton by defeating Bo Dallas in an all-too-short sprint, and Tyson Kidd got a measure of revenge on R-Truth by beating him in a rematch from last week's program. But that's the problem, isn't it? This is supposed to be part of a bigger push towards getting a fan to part with their money heading into a special Network event featuring the most legendary and feared device in the E's history and what's on display is warmed-over rematches and comedy setups for a title match that looked as if they might as well have been penned by Chuck Lorre on a bender? Not exactly a compelling selling point, and to use that to describe the penultimate Main Event of October would be extremely kind.

NXT, take me away...
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. 97

October 23, 2014, 10:30 am
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Halloween JACKPOT
Photo via Eat Run Brit blog
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday morning (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

The objective best Halloween candy to give isn't a kind of candy, but it's the serving size. Any house that gives out full-size candy bars is doing the work of the Lord, if the Lord had a vested interest in the propagation and success of diabetes medication. But disregarding future health concerns, getting that full-size bar was always the holy grail for trick-or-treaters. Subjectively, I've always found you can't have enough chocolate-covered peanut butter candy in your bag. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups were almost currency for how valuable and delicious they were.

The worst candy, beyond any shadow of a doubt, is the dreaded Necco Wafer. I'm not even sure if they exist anymore, because really, I haven't trick-or-treated myself in over 15 years, and I just started taking TJ out around the neighborhood last year. But man, houses that kept their lights off and didn't give out anything on Halloween held children in less contempt than the sick fucks who gave out Necco Wafers. Chalky and flavorless, these candies were a scourge on anyone, and the sad kid who bit into one thinking he or she was getting an oversized roll of Smarties always will recount that moment as the worst in his or her Halloween history.

A lot of people are going to tell you it's Paul Roma. Those people are wrong. Roma may have been an ill-fit for the group, but at least he wasn't an actively bad wrestler like Steve McMichael. The dude really had no business being a wrestler. He couldn't wrestle. He couldn't talk. And next to Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko, [REDACTED], or even Jeff Fucking Jarrett, Mongo looked even worse than he even was. The Horsemen were supposed to be for the elite. McMichael is about as far away from elite as you can get without being a civilian mark like you or me.

No art form is inherently any kind of political. However, wrestling since day one has been co-opted by the conservative elements in business and society, and thus marketed to that kind of clientele. Plenty of liberal wrestling fans exist - over here! - and I'm sure marketing to a liberal audience might bring good returns. However, as it stands right now, wrestling is always going to seem like conservatism is in its DNA because of the people controlling it.

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules 2012 stands out as the best match on maybe the best WWE pay-per-view of all-time from an in-ring standpoint. Firstly, it might be the best possible a make-good in history, obviously from their 18 seconds of ANGER at WrestleMania. Second, it's the rare WWE match where the heel comes out of it looking just as strong as the triumphant babyface WITHOUT needing to resort to shenanigans. Bryan controlled most of the match, and Sheamus only won the second fall because of a disqualification, which Bryan tried to use to set up a quick win in the third fall. Third, it was a showcase between maybe the two best workers WWE had going at the time with a seeming free reign to tell a master story. The Cesaro/Sami Zayn match from NXT last year comes close, and Chikara always seems to deliver on its Campeonatos de Parejas matches, but this contest will always stand out best.


  • Paul Heyman - He invented modern indie wrestling. Every company that has come after ECW has either aped ECW or aped a company aping ECW in some respects. Obviously, the way the company ended still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but Heyman had the vision to get something started even without big money backing.
  • Bryan Danielson - You have to include the greatest non-mainstream performer of all-time, right?
  • Mike Quackenbush - He made his bones both as a wrestler and a promoter, and he was/is in the upper echelon historically as both.
  • Samoa Joe/CM Punk - They should go in together, as they're inexorably linked in their time on the indies. Their feud helped enhance the spotlight shone on companies outside the mainstream purview.
  • Allison Danger - Women in the indies might still have the same standing if not for her work and influence, but I'm having a hard time thinking how they might have progressed as far as they have with her.

I would totally listen to cases for other candidates - Gabe Sapolsky, Christopher Daniels, Sara del Rey, the Briscoe Brothers, Spanky, Paul London, etc. - but those six are the ones I would think DEFINITELY deserve in on the first ballot.

  1. Classic Jorts - While they wouldn't be my first choice for fashion, they are tied to Cena's iconography way too tightly. Slam dunk number one choice in my book.
  2. Khaki Shorts - They're stylish, but not too stylish as to give Cena an air of false class.
  3. Camo Shorts - Whom are you trying to fool, John? YOU'RE NOT THE MARINE ANYMORE.
  4. Black Jorts - Nope.

Freddy Krueger would most definitely win, because while they're all evenly matched while awake, when they fall asleep from exhaustion, Krueger would make his killshot there.

With the current creative team in place, nothing WWE could do that's more complex or requires more careful booking than what it's doing now could make it more interesting. For a brand split to work, you would need careful planning, sequestration of booking teams, and most importantly, for Smackdown to have as much cache as RAW does. WWE would be better off having the board slap an emeritus title on Vince McMahon, firing Kevin Dunn into orbit around Pluto, and reorganizing the booking team so that RAW has a fighting chance to make sense and play out well.

Orton might be turning face, but John Cena will never turn from whatever alignment he is now, at least not until WWE has at least two, if not more, wrestlers it feels can replace him. Daniel Bryan is the only one on Cena's level, and he may never wrestle again. Basically, Dean Ambrose AND Roman Reigns have to catch fire in order for Cena to turn at the very earliest. But then again, Cena's already a heel to the people that want him to be heel. His alignment changes play to the whims of a different group of fans than what consumes writings by yours truly.

@MrsKillerRoo, whose account is protected, asks:
If you had to choose between being 12 inches taller or 12 inches shorter, what would you pick? #tweetbag #notwrestlingrelated
Taller, definitely, with the rider that I keep the same weight I have right now and that, ahem, other parts of my body grow proportionally, if, well, uh, you know.

I would want something along the lines of a "true" win/loss percentage. How many times has a given wrestler come SO close to winning but was foiled at the last minute by outside interference, a match getting thrown out, or a referee missing something blatant? What would that say about how the promotion views its individual wrestlers within the narrative? Furthermore, how many times did that wrestler kick out of a finisher, or did that wrestler's opponent high-tail it out of there before the match was over? Wins and losses don't tell the whole story, and no pure *stat* in a worked art could paint the same kind of portrait it could in a pure sport like baseball. However, I would like to see some kind of illuminating number attached to a wrestler within the story to see how much faith the bookers have in him or her outside of it.

My reaction:
.gif via Peter Berkes/SB Nation via FOX

Now, as for the WrestleMania XXXII card in DALLAS, TEXAS YEEHAWWWW:

  • WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Cesaro (c) vs. Sami Zayn - The culmination of YEARS of feuding ends here. Cesaro, after finally ascending to the top of the mountain, will have taken on all comers. Zayn, after winning the Royal Rumble, finally has the chance to prove that he can not only hang with Cesaro, but defeat him.
  • Brock Lesnar vs. Daniel Bryan - Lesnar's contract with WWE supposedly ends after Mania XXXI, but I'd re-up it and build to this match. Sure, having two David Beats Goliath matches at the top of the card might seem overkill, but this is TEXAS. MANIA AT JERRY WORLD. EVERYTHING'S GOTTA BE BIGGER HERE. 
  • Bray Wyatt (w/ Goldust) vs. Stardust (w/ Sister Abigail) - Wyatt recruits Goldust to his family. Stardust counters by luring Sister Abigail into the stars with COSMIC MAGIC. Why not go all-in on the supernatural elements, put it in one match, and make it the best thing possible?
  • Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins vs. Roman Reigns - I'm playing the long con on a lot of these matches, but if you can hold off on The Shield's final showdown for another 17 months, you can have a third marquee match that features mostly recently homegrown wrestlers for a marquee Mania.
  • WWE Divas Championship Match: Sasha Banks (c) vs. Bayley - Another match that would have been brewing for a few years, Banks and Bayley could end up putting to bed once and for all that women "can't wrestle" for big stage with a match here.
  • WWE Unified Intercontinental Championship Match: Big E Langston (c) vs. Kevin Steen - HOSSSSSSS FIIIIIIIIIGHT
  • Andre the Giant Battle Royale: John Cena vs. Sheamus vs. The Big Show vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Robert Roode vs. Adrian Neville vs. Tyler Breeze vs. The Miz vs. Damien Sandow vs. Magnus vs. Enzo Amore vs. Colin Cassady vs. Viktor vs. Konor vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Jimmy Uso vs. Jey Uso vs. Charlotte - Okay, so some of the names here seem odd, but I'm banking on TNA to be out of business by the time March/April 2016 rolls around. Now, of course, the old WWE wouldn't bank on TNA retreads, but I would certainly want to take some of the best from that roster for my company. Guys like Magnus and Roode could stand out right away, and others such as Rockstar Spud could either grow in NXT or fill out the depth on the roster there. Charlotte is included here because again, I'm me and I like my intergenders, but also because she's a Flair and she totally would be cocky enough to believe she could win the Battle Royale. I wouldn't necessarily book her to win (I'd give the duke to BIG CASS here), but she'd definitely hold her own.
  • WWE Tag Team Championship TLC Match: Hideo Itami and Finn Balor (c) vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Harper and Rowan - The Dudley Boyz would be free agents by then, presumably, so why not bring them in to lend credence to a TLC match that would make both the other teams?
  • Rusev vs. THE USA GUY - YOU KNOW THIS IS THE ENDGAME THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN FOR RUSEV.
  • Pre-Show NXT Showcase, Championship Match: Solomon Crowe (c) vs. Baron Corbin - Eh, why not?

Not totally, because I'm sure some of those "nice guys" in GamerGate think wrestling is dumb and stupid and for babies. I also happen to know a few ROH fans who aren't total human garbage as well. But yeah, a lot of the stereotypical neckbeards who chant disgusting shit at ROH shows totally fit the GamerGate profile, don't they? Sometimes, I hate even associating with the term "nerd" because of how the creeps have co-opted it...
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Steve Austin Show Ep. 162

October 24, 2014, 6:30 am
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Austin reads a marriage proposal in his reader e-mails this week
Photo Credit : WWE.com
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Steve Austin Show Unleashed
Episode: 162
Run Time: 1:17:44
Guest: None

Summary: Stone Cold is on location filming Broken Skull Challenge, which means a huge monologue followed by answers to listener emails focusing on advice for one young man looking to study with Lance Storm, classic cars, a good deal of talk about Austin’s WWE career — such as his working relationship with Vince McMahon, doing commentary for the RAW cage match between Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle, the grocery store brawl with Booker T and Austin’s feelings on the Meadowlands — and finally a brief suggestion to watch WWE’s AWA documentary on the Network.

Quote of the week:“As a lifelong wrestling fan, I was hoping you could read the following sentences on air … To Dory: I know you were the one from the day we met. We have watched each other graduate college (and) begin our careers while growing our relationship. I appreciate the fact that we have compromised our Monday nights to watching your shows, like The Bachelor or Dancing With the Stars followed by Monday Night RAW. I love sharing my life with you and look forward to spending the rest of my time on this planet with you. I love, honor and cherish you. Will you be my tag team partner today, tomorrow and forever? Dory, will you marry me? Love, Alex.”

Why you should listen: Start about 43 minutes in and you’ll actually get a pretty solid show. With a few exceptions, the questions this time take Austin to territory he hasn’t already bled dry. Ultimately, they reveal him to be not just a legendary performer but a longtime fan and student of the art form. The monologue is entertaining at spots, so if you’re a fan of this part of the act, and especially if you enjoy hearing about the snakes and rats at the Broken Skull Ranch, by all means take a listen to the entire show.

Why you should skip it: Definitely start 43 minutes in if you’re at all fatigued by Austin’s solo bits. It’s not his worst offering, but it does resemble some of his stinkbombs in certain parts. There definitely are better wrestling, podcasts this week, including the Tuesday show where Stone Cold talks to actual listeners instead of reading emails. It would be nice to add more complex analysis here, but he’s done so many read-and-respond shows in the last six weeks I don’t have any more to add than Austin does when revealing (again) the origin of the smoking skull title belt.

Final thoughts: I’ve written before how listening to Austin’s early shows gave me a whole new appreciation for his in-ring career, which I never fully appreciated at the time it was happening. (I was more of a Rock/Foley/Jericho guy.) A good deal of this episode reminded me of that awakening, because although I find the vulgarities superfluous, I can’t help but find the relentless honesty endearing. Generally the shows don’t drive me to watch old Austin matches (though I’m properly stoked about his promise to give his WrestleMania 13 epic the podcast commentary treatment), but I’m nearing the point where I’d pay to sit and listen to Stone Cold shoot the breeze about his career for two hours. As always, I could do without the answers to questions that have already been covered ad nauseam, or the complete non sequiturs into non-wrestling topics, but I’ve come to accept those distractions as part of the package deal.
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Dispatches from the Lake: Some Helpful Advice

October 24, 2014, 10:30 am
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ARE YOU READY FOR THIS TO HAPPEN YET AGAIN????
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve sat down to watch Superstars. I’m sure you guys all missed the write ups on the show that literally no one watches except for me and a few other suckers who review it. Superstars is usually pretty inoffensive. Tonight was no different.

I’m having a hard time with WWE programming lately. I don’t know anyone who isn’t. The lack of coherent thought and just overall laziness is really starting to bother me. I’ve been arguing with myself about whether or not to keep the Network or not. I mean, I ultimately will. I really enjoy the back catalogue, and despite all my complaints, I do watch nearly every special event/Sunday Night Raw. I watch because I hope that we might get a glimpse of the fun and greatness that we sometimes get. I’m worried we aren’t going to get anything like that until December, which is usually when WWE decides to start kind of trying again.

But enough of my complaining. You’ve heard it all thousands of times since WrestleMania.

There wasn’t much to Superstars tonight. We got Kofi Kingston and Tyson Kidd in a match that didn’t really pull me from my game of Bubble Witch Saga. Kingston had on his unfortunately colored in the crotch tights. As the match went on, all the commentators talked about was Total Divas. I’m happy for Kidd. He’s really gotten into his character, and he’s getting some time in whatever lime light is left from the super mega important best of infinity series between John Cena and Randy Orton.

Kidd finished Kingston off with a sharpshooter to win the match. Kingston didn’t immediately tap out, which I liked. Nothing bothers me more than when a wrestler is put into a submission and immediately taps. Struggle a bit, boys, fight. That’s what you’re here to do, isn’t it?

Second match of the night was Jack Swagger and Bo Dallas. Again, nothing particularly special. I really liked the Bo-Dog into the Patriot Lock that ended the match, but other than that, I had a hard time paying attention. For reasons that will forever be beyond me there was a commercial in the middle of this match. Commercials that cut into a match in the middle of a taped show make no sense. They need to stop doing it.

Before I leave you for the week, please find below a handy list of things to do instead of watching Cena vs. Orton part 146,578:

  1. Pack your lunch for work on Monday. Take that 40 minutes to craft an exquisite meal that’ll leave your co-workers envious! Those idiots only packed a sandwich. Probably because they were watching Cena and Orton. Dummies.
  2. Contemplate the last time a Hell in a Cell match actually meant something.
  3. Do some laundry.
  4. Wonder who won the auction for Stephanie McMahon’s SummerSlam ring gear and what dirty, horrible things they are doing to it right now.
  5. Watch the Cruiserweight episode of Monday Night War and feel your brain leak out your ears at such glorious, irony-free quotes as “The more people that are stars on the roster just helps everybody. I don’t think they cared enough to try.”
  6. Speaking of the Monday Night War, make a list of all the similarities between current WWE and late period WCW.
  7. Thoroughly clean out the lint from your dryer.
  8. Count the days until NXT come on.
  9. Watch literally any other match from this year.
  10. Say you won’t watch, get curious, turn it back on, lie to yourself, and say you’re only watching for the crowd reaction.
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The Death of the Finisher: WWE Hell in a Cell '14 Review

October 26, 2014, 10:00 pm
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OH SHI...
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In TH Style. Get the replay for only NINE-NINET...

/is shot dead by a sniper

Highlights:
  • Dolph Ziggler shockingly swept the best two-out-of-three falls match against Cesaro, winning the decisive second fall with a Zig Zag.
  • Nikki Bella took out her sister Brie with a Rack Attack, securing her services as a personal assistant for the next 30 days.
  • The Dust Brothers retained the Tag Team Championships over the Usos when Goldust hit the Final Cut.
  • John Cena defeated Randy Orton in the first of two Hell in a Cell matches with an avalanche Attitude Adjustment through a table. Cena is now the number one contender to Brock Lesnar's WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
  • Sheamus retained the United States Championship by coaxing Miz to jump into a Brogue Kick.
  • Rusev got Big Show to pass out in his Accolade for the victory.
  • AJ Lee retained the Divas Championship with the Black Widow over Paige. 
  • In a match that saw four different people interfere, Seth Rollins defeated Dean Ambrose after Bray Wyatt appeared to give Ambrose a snap uranage.

General Observations:
  • I could watch Dolph Ziggler and Cesaro work the mat all day long. It's a stylistic choice that works so well, given Ziggler's amateur background and Cesaro's devotion to the English World of Sport style. I would love to see them break out some kind of technical rules match in the future, to be honest, but given how this match turned out, I seemingly doubt it.
  • Cesaro actually stood on the second rope, not the turnbuckle, but the rope.  This man is such an athletic freak.
  • Ziggler floated over from being on the business end of a lateral press into cradling Cesaro for the first fall, and it was one of the most beautifully simple yet innovative things I've ever seen in a wrestling match.
  • Cesaro locked Ziggler up in a hybrid sleeper/camel clutch, and all I could think about was Cesaro telling Ziggler "Why are you putting yourself in the sleeper? Why are you sleepering yourself? Huh? HUH?"
  • The sequence that started with Ziggler locking Cesaro in a sleeper and ended with what looked like a deadlift superplex was one of the most beautiful sequences of wrestling ever witnessed.
  • And while I dug the psychology of Cesaro's gimpy arm figuring into the finish of the match, I was a bit stunned that Ziggler won two falls to zero. On one hand, companies need to have the odd sweep to keep the stipulation fresh, but on the other, I can't help but thinking it was WWE's carny-as-shit way of punishing a dude for speaking his mind...
  • The Bella Twins' implosion was pretty standard until Nikki started yanking Brie by the hair, Gory-special style. That feat was an amazing tidbit of HOSSery that Nikki has been expected to deliver lately.
  • Brie actually worked pretty well in this match, but man, I feared for her life when she came up just a little too short on that Superman dive to the outside.
  • The forearm shot that just preceded the second Rack Attack to win the match was stiff as shit. Fuck continuing the AJ Lee/Paige feud. Give me Lee vs. Nikki Bella.
  • Jimmy Uso did a slide-evade into the corner to get away from a Goldust strike, which set up Stardust grabbing him on the second attempt when he tried doing it in the enemy corner. Everything in a wrestling match should have meaning, and even if the Usos and Dust Brothers work a similar match each time out, it's those little things that make each contest worthwhile.
  • Every time I think Goldust is done surprising me, he goes and does something like take the "over the top face-first to the floor" bump that looks super painful every time someone pulls it off. He might be the oldest active worker in WWE, and he's still doing crazy shit like that. Nothing but respect.
  • Seriously, Goldust hit an Arn Anderson spinebuster and then floated into a cover where he kicked his legs spastically for added leverage. I'm convinced he could go another decade.
  • The dueling superplex spot would have been cooler if Cesaro didn't end up HOSSING THE SHIT out of Ziggler with maybe the coolest one ever in the opener.
  •  The fewer things I have to say about the Susan G. Komen Foundation, the better, but man, you don't know how much I wanted the crowd to start a dueling chant, one half cheering that cancer survivor and the other half booing the ever-loving shit out of the president.
  • Only a couple of minutes into the John Cena/Randy Orton Hell in a Cell match, and they already did something they barely bothered to do back in 2009 - use the cell itself as a weapon.
  • Orton was the second guy to go over the top to the floor face-first. He has secretly been one of the best things about WWE over the last year, year-and-a-half, and who would have thought he would have been the ring general in a match with Cena, who is arguably the best WWE big-match performer in the last 20 years.
  • Between crotching Cena on the ring post outside (and smirking about it like he just stole his girl) and hitting the nutshot later on in the match, I will be totally shocked if Total Divas doesn't incorporate some kind of "Nikki Bella is mad at Randy Orton for ruining her sex life via causing penile trauma to her boyfriend" story next season.
  • Seriously, the match should have ended out of that sick RKO counter out of the Attitude Adjustment. Did these two guys sit down, watch the AJ Styles/Kurt Angle match from the January 4, 2010 episode of Impact and think that was the best way to plot this match out?
  • Sheamus and Miz had a pretty good match, but the absolute star was Damien Sandow, who was in full ham mode. He's always been this animated as Miz's stunt double (understudy?) but the camera and producers finally have caught wind of it and made him the star of the actual visual narrative.
  • When Miz accidentally hit Sandow, my heart sunk thinking it would lead to the end of the alliance. I hope I'm wrong for RAW tomorrow.
  • Seriously, Nikki Bella kicked out of an X-Factor. Brie took a Rack Attack and kicked out. Cena and Orton had all kinds of silliness. Now Sheamus kicked out of the Skull Crushing Finale? C'mon man. C'MON.
  • Normally, Sheamus acting like a shitty asshole after the match is abhorrent given his status as "anti-bullying" good guy, but seeing Sandow sway and carry himself up like a marionette was all worth it.
  • Rusev working the leg in the Big Show match was the savviest thing I've seen him do since being called up. He's been pretty good against guys like Big E in the past, but I think this Show match was his best overall performance to date. Not surprising, since Show is criminally undersold by certain members of the Twitterati, but that fact is neither here nor there.
  • Suplexing Big Show has become old hat, but the way Rusev strained with it made it look super-impressive.
  • Holy shit, Show broke out the Lasso from El Paso? Or was it the Haas of Pain? I'm more inclined to say the former because Show didn't drape Rusev upside down using his foot as leverage, but who the fuck knows. It was impressive either way.
  • I wonder if painting Rusev as the Russian heel but having him work babyface is intentional. If you put the TV on mute, he totally plays off like the good guy in these matches/segments.
  • I want to know if WWE is telling Ambrose to ad-lib these promos or if the writers are scripting him. Either way, having him promo as what people might imagine John Cena as a crazy homeless guy whacked out on meth is not the best idea, but as always, Ambrose made it work in a roundabout way.
  • Paige did an incredible job of working "big," but I wonder how sustainable that style can be against wrestlers who aren't pixiesque in stature like AJ Lee.
  • Alicia Fox's golf clap with the saccharine smile is breathtaking.
  • Paige carrying Lee around while skipping is just one of those visuals.
  • My feed cut out towards the end, so I didn't get to see how the match ended. TECHNOLOGY *shakes fist*
  • Dean Ambrose coming out and climbing to the top of the cage set such a staggering tone that even before Seth Rollins made his entrance, this Hell in a Cell match already surpassed Orton's and Cena's.
  • "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE." THAT is the Ambrose I wanna hear, not the Dracula's mom horseshit from the pretaped segment before the Divas Championship match.
  • Rollins brought out Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury as backup, which lead to a wild beginning to the proceedings. I seriously thought that either Noble or Mercury was gonna get tossed, Foley-style, and remembered that Mercury's career as an active worker in the company came to an end because a gruesome injury. Thankfully, neither guy ate it.
  • However, even though they didn't fall from the top of the cage, Ambrose and Rollins diving from a mid-cage joust to each of the announce tables set up made for a signature moment in the match for both guys. By the way, the bell hadn't sounded yet by this point.
  • I almost thought that WWE was going to go for a non-finish and have AJ Lee and Paige be the nominal main event, which would have been hilarious on many levels. But Ambrose ripping out of his own gurney and snatching Rollins from his was a totally different and similarly effective twist on the stretcher job tease than what Daniel Bryan did at WrestleMania. Daniel Bryan, now there's a name. I miss him so much.
  • All the use of the cage in the Cena/Orton match felt like a wristlock compared to what Ambrose and especially Rollins did with the cell. Even though most of the moves were executed by Ambrose, Rollins bumped as hard as he ever did, especially on the Ambrose dropkick that sent Rollins from the apron HARD into the cell wall.
  • I won't lie. Kane spraying Ambrose with the fire extinguisher popped me. For whatever reason, I LOVE when the fire extinguisher is deployed as a weapon in wrestling matches.
  • BRAY WYATT!
  • While Wyatt running interference after his hologram producing lantern magically showed up in the ring was shocking and cool and all, Rollins' reaction to getting a freebie from the Eater of Worlds sold that for me. He didn't know whether Wyatt was gonna come for him next or whether it was some kind of divine providence. If only Rollins could consistently cut a promo, he'd be the complete package.
Match of the Night:Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins, Hell in a Cell - The difference between and good Hell in a Cell match and a great one has everything to do with how the cage is utilized. Two (or more) wrestlers can use the cage as a weapon, but not totally explore what it has to offer. Because the competitors have to be away from where the finish of the match has to happen, it can be difficult to fully explore the studio space. To wit, the Cena/Orton match from the middle of the show was a good representation of what Hell in a Cell could be. But Rollins and Ambrose went to the boundaries of whatever the structure had to offer. Not that it should have been surprising - Dean Ambrose has spent the calendar year of 2014 making the worst straw of what WWE has given him and spinning it into gold like a veritable Rumpelstiltskin.

Ambrose set the tone early on by climbing to the top of the cage and daring Rollins and his goon squad of Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble to follow him up. Even though it technically wasn't part of the match, Ambrose having to fight off all three of the Authority's minions served as a powerful first act, culminating in both announce tables being wrecked after tense jousting on the side of the cage. Even though the stretcher tease had been used on the biggest pay-per-view of them all in the same year, Ambrose and Rollins made it work in their own way, and then they upped the violence to levels past their original stereo table destruction. Tables were broken, chairs dented, kendo sticks frayed. Even inside after the match officially began, the two made use of the cage, not only directly (best example being Ambrose raking Rollins' face across it like cheddar on a grater), but as a fulcrum for other props, the tables most especially.

Of course, the overbooking is what most people will end up talking about, and it's fair to point out that maybe having four people interfering on Rollins' behalf might not have been the best way to end a pay-per-view or conclude a match that had been as visceral as this one was up until the end. However, it worked to me. The story between Rollins and Ambrose is one that didn't require a blowoff at a piddling "B" event like Hell in a Cell. Commentary on WWE's self-proclaimed signature match from the last 20 years becoming a signpost rest stop rather than an ultimate blowoff aside, these two deserve to end their feud at Mania. But whether it was Kane's fire extinguisher (note, I am an unabashed mark for that used as a wrestling weapon) or Bray Wyatt's devil magic, the fuck finish worked in this match's favor.

Overall Thoughts: A lot of hay was made about the booking on this show on social media, and even though WWE's week-to-week booking leaves an infinite chasm of yearning for better, looking at the arc from pay-per-view to pay-per-view makes the overall direction not seem as woebegone. If the strokes don't make sense in the desert of RAW equidistant between the two special events, they usually end up ringing somewhat sanely if one pays attention only to the broader arc. That method of viewing can be construed as intentionally dense, but when a company like WWE whiffs so hard on its weekly serial, why should anyone pay it mind when a less-frequent look in can be more satisfying?

However, my biggest beef with the show is symptomatic of a greater devil that has been encroaching on WWE starting from the top down. WrestleMania XXIX's main event saw The Rock and John Cena cosplay as AJ Styles and Kurt Angle in how many times they kicked out of each other's finishers, and wouldn't one know, killing finishers dead was the theme of Hell in a Cell, emblematic in Cena's match with Orton. On one hand, the conceit of an all-powerful finishing move being enough to put down everyone in every match might seem a bit hokey, but then again, wrestling is not a sport, and it really should never aspire to resemble pure sporting. The finisher as a protected entity has worked in wrestling for the better part of its history for a reason.

So, why would WWE, the most straitlaced, traditional-to-a-fault company on the planet, even dream of wrecking finishers wholesale? Basically, the Brogue Kick and the Zig-Zag were the only finishers that weren't kicked out of when hit. Everyone else seemed to have their big moves nerfed in the name of telling the greater story, but finishers need protection so that in the rare chance someone is telling a story that requires the gravitas and the surprise of one rendered ineffective, it can still have the Pavlovian effect. Even if Hell in a Cell signified a sea change away from traditional finishers towards something new, I would think it a mistake. Throwing away such a precious tool in crowd popping for a more modern approach seems to me to be the rare case of change not being all that good.

The shame part of it all was that Hell in a Cell was a rebound event from Night of Champions, even with the screwy finish. Going back to the point at large in the first paragraph, I don't mind paying for story development that used to be the domain of RAW/Nitro when that development is leading somewhere interesting. I don't know why Bray Wyatt picked Dean Ambrose as a target, but having Wyatt stand tallest at the end of the night seems to be a step forward. This guy is way too talented to be jerked around and treated as the non-entity he's been relegated as since the John Cena feud ended. If he and Ambrose can get my ass excited on Monday nights, I'm all for it. Even if not, I'm still for it because the conceits at the pay-per-views are going to be memorable, at least.

But even if "lol Cena wins" is tiresome (and believe me, even if his win came against Randy Orton, who by the way would be WWE's Sixth Man of the Year if such equivalent awards existed, it is pretty lame), at least four matches on the show other than that delivered. Even the Bella Twins IMPLODING was a perfectly cromulent wrestling match, the first performance from Brie Bella that might suggest that she could have some value as a performer above getting people to unironically cheer her sister or Stephanie McMahon. And Damien Sandow continues to be WWE's unsung hero, taking a jokey gimmick and elevating it to the point where he arguably has overtaken his leading man as the focal point of the gimmick. Even if Hell in a Cell wasn't one of the best shows WWE produced this year, I found a lot to like about it. I'm still troubled by the sheer amount of finishers murdered during the show, but conversely, when I can say that I was thoroughly entertained after sitting through a full show, I see it as a net win.
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I Listen So You Don't Have To: Art Of Wrestling Ep. 221

October 27, 2014, 4:30 am
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The Bucks return for another episode on Art of Wrestling
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
If you're new, here's the rundown: I listen to a handful of wrestling podcasts each week. Too many, probably, though certainly not all of them. In the interest of saving you time — in case you have the restraint to skip certain episodes — the plan is to give the bare bones of a given show and let you decide if it’s worth investing the time to hear the whole thing. There are better wrestling podcasts out there, of course, but these are the ones in my regular rotation that I feel best fit the category of hit or miss. If I can save other folks some time, I'm happy to do so.

Show: Art Of Wrestling
Episode: 221
Run Time: 1:03:31
Guest: Chris Hero, Young Bucks

Summary: Cabana is on a tour of Japan right now, so Chris Hero sits in with him for the opening. Then the Young Bucks return to the show to talk about the way they bottomed out since their initial appearance, then reversed course to the top of the independent scene and especially Japan. The chat covers locker room politics, the mechanics of touring Japan, relating to promoters on the way up and down the card, changing their approach to character work, joining the Bullet Club, the evolution of selling merchandise and how to work social media.

Quote of the week:“Why are we being such nice guys in a crummy business where you can’t be nice?”

Why you should listen: The Young Bucks are one of the hottest acts going worldwide, and American fans would do well to listen to them and Cabana discuss what it means to be successful in Japan, both in and out of the ring, and consider the complexities required in understanding the audience you’re asked to perform for, how that might change given the town and venue and the steps required to be asked to come back time and again.

Why you should skip it: I don’t know enough about the Bucks to tell them apart by voice alone, to the point where I’m not exactly sure which one delivered the quote of the week listed above. Because they are both well-known stars and repeat guests, Cabana gives very little in the form of introduction or context for the listener who might be uninformed about the guests (the same is true of his brief chat with Hero). Also, if you really don’t care about Japanese wrestling, this show will be a dud.

Final thoughts: If it seems my criticisms are nitpicky, that’s probably true. I’m no Young Bucks expert (and have no recollection of their initial appearance), but I really enjoyed this interview. It’s definitely proof of Cabana’s assertion he intends to have conversations as opposed to executing journalism, but all three are so affable (Cabana comes off as especially genuine this week) it’s a joy to hear them shoot the breeze and to me made to consider their life experiences. Definitely my favorite podcast of the week, continuing a solid run for Cabana.
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Best Coast Bias: See Them Punked! See Them Punked!

October 27, 2014, 6:30 am
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Is this coming to a December 11 near you?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
A good friend will always stab you in the front. - Oscar Wilde

You know the old saying "it's always darkest before the dawn", yeah?

The truth of that statement has always been up for debate. Especially considering some people might counter-argue it's actually darker at the apex of the evening. And if the latter is the case, then this late October installment of NXT had the hands meeting at the 12 and getting their freak on.

Betrayal was on display in both physical and verbal tenses; hell, a couple of guys so secure in their black-hattery that Villains is in their name got a relatively easy victory. No matter where you turned, it felt like Dark Helmet was the pen behind the action. But let's start after the action in the main event.

There was a friendship between NXT Champion Adrian Neville and perpetual Full Sail hero Sami Zayn that it can be safely assumed is now pining for the fjords. It started off convivial enough, with him asking for a title shot and Neville agreeably confirming with a "wherever, whenever" and added that he was looking forward to it. Zayn may've upped the ante a bit by stating after he was going to hold the Englishman to his promise that Neville should hold on to the belt while he can since he was going to divest him of it, but Neville chuckling and rolling his eyes, feigning leaving and then coming back to say he wasn't too worried "because we all know you can't win the big one"? Damn, son. That's a bit like responding to a shove with a shotgun, isn't it?

Adrian actually had the cojones aceros to clap Zayn twice on the shoulder on his actual exit, leaving his so-called buddy on the ramp looking like a chump with a "this [matriarch fornicator] right here" face and the crowd ooohing loudly; well, everybody except the guy in the crowd who yelled out the closing "You got SERVED!" Sami's way. It's understandable given that Neville has been doing his best DJ Khaled impersonation all year long while Zayn's litany of highlight reel matches and moments in NXT have come during losing efforts (Cesaro, Breeze, the fatal 4 way, amongst others and to rattle off the previous live Network specials).

Hell, Neville slapped Titus O'Neil after getting his butt kicked for the better part of two segments and then won with the Red Arrow clean in the middle of the ring yet again about two moves later. But writing off Zayn like he's Phillip Gooljar or something? You don't do that to enemies, for crying out loud, let alone friends and allegedly tight ones at that. Short of curb stomping him through some cinderblocks, anything Sami does in response once the Championship match goes down seems pretty acceptable given the verbal Molotov cocktail The Man That Gravity Forgot threw into his house. Remember, it's keeping in WWE canon that the guy "who can't win the big one" going into his title match usually uses that opportunity to do so, by hook and by crook. And the prospect of ending the Champion's 2014-0 by finally getting over the hump and getting the Big X? Lesser people (read: most people) would bury that silverware between the L4 and the L5 quicker than you could spell Brutus.

Hell, after some words from the Boss and Oculus giving her the once-over last week, Becky Lynch did right before the Neville/Titus match bowed as the show finale. Again, there's bad, there's scum, and there's hug-Bayley-before-clotheslining-her-from-behind. Sure it makes sense from a logistic standpoint. Carmella's just been added to the ladies' ledger and Charlotte either being a tweener or a full-fledged it-ain't-cocky-if-you-do-it-and-you-back-it-up babyface meant Banks was going to need somebody else to help her carry the weight of getting disparaged and booed. Logically. Emotionally? HOW F'N DARE YOU HURT BAYLEY, a. B? Feigning friendship for the purpose of betrayal? There's going to be a big round house with your name on it underground once you get to the end of your road, and don't bother bringing a sweater. The coffee'll keep you cold for negative milliseconds if that's what you need. Thirdly HOW DARE YOU HURT BAYLEY.

This is merely reflective of the crowd's outrage as a whole *cough* and Lynch's alignment change shouldn't detract from the fact that every time Bayley and Banks get in the ring you have something worth watching that allows both the intellectual and reactionary parts of a serious fan's brain to be fully engaged. Bayley even engaged in some early match fisticuffs with the Boss after the Bostonian dodged her for the safety of the ropes a few times to set up a cheapshot. She wouldn't do that to Charlotte even when things were at their most acrimonious between them, but SashaBanks isn't Charlotte, is she? Bayley's not one for the expletives, but the four-letter word even she might use to describe her feelings towards the ostensible #1 contender to the Women's Championship would be hate. Sasha slipping out the back door to deliver a Banks Statement two-shot combo clean mid-ring probably only added to that thirdly, if the post-match adding injury to injury didn't do it secondly, and primarily...well...how dare you hurt Bayley. Dishonor on you, Rebecca Lynch. Dishonor on your cow.

And lest you think this show started off on a positive note and only started turning towards midnight once it got later and later in the hour, think again, mon frere. In keeping with the autumnal season the Ascension served up a big fat squash to Tye Dillinger and Jason Jordan, and when Hideo Itami came out to seek some revenge for Funaki getting Red Shirted last week Viktor and Konnor served up another Fall Of Man easier than blinking and laid him out just as Tye had gotten laid out moments previously. The Vaudevillains were so much better than Team Buddy Blake they didn't even bother wrapping them up and instead gave them the Gentlemen's Congress (the Gotch enzu European uppercut setting up an emphatic English swinging neckbreaker). Elsewhere, Mojo Rawley wandered out looking sad and holding his arm while Tyler Breeze beat CJ Parker for the umpteenth with the Beauty Shot.

Like Itami, Rawley's dignity, Bayley's heart, those two dudes across the Vaudevillains, and Zayn's heart, Parker went lights out once it connected. It must've been pretty dark once it did.
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