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On Ratings, a Happy Workforce, the Changing Landscape, and the Need for an Offseason

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Punk's not the only guy who'd benefit from time off
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In 2013, there are people who still keep track of ratings week to week like they're gospel. Honestly, there are a million reasons why that's foolish in this day and age, but the best argument against their relevance is that WWE, and to a lesser extent, TNA, ROH, and other localized wrestling companies, are in a class of their own. No other televised program other than the news produces new content with the frequency that mainstream, cable-televised wrestling promotions, and the news isn't so much a show that needs writers as it is "read and react" on the day's current events.

The demands they put on themselves for content are unreasonable compared to anything else. Sports have offseasons. Television shows at the very maximum have to fill about an hour of programming per week for half the year. Meanwhile, WWE is coming up with original content for nine hours all-told for EVERY week out of the year, with an extra three hours to be filled behind a paywall. That might make analysts, critics, and fans like you and me look silly for thinking they should be on their game for an estimated 350 hours every year (that's the amount of true time they have, factoring for commercials), but these are demands that WWE puts on itself. If they insist on providing all this live content, then shouldn't they strive to deliver on it?

The question becomes why on Earth WWE would continue to tax itself the way it does. There's no WCW escalating the arms race anymore. The only competition WWE has is itself, and it's not in the way most people think. It's an internal feud that pits the seemingly-maniacal front office, and an increasingly overworked, inefficiently utilized roster. If you believe the dirtsheet reports, CM Punk was livid and close to quitting before WrestleMania. I don't know whether this was a backstage blowup that the nebulous "sources" took out of proportion, an offhand story that the sheet-writers themselves blew up for effect, or a legitimate threat to quit, but looking at the strains put on Punk from December until now, one could see him getting fed up. He had to work injured for three months as a nexus point for arguably the two biggest matches at Mania, this after taking almost ZERO time off since the ink was dry on his WWE developmental contract, signed atop his ROH World Championship.

When Punk was famously asked if he was afraid of being misused like Shannon Moore, he answered that he didn't care as long as he got to buy a house like Moore had. However, with the demands of the road being as they are, how much bang for his buck is Punk getting on the house he presumably bought? What about every other WWE superstar? They are on the road at least five days a week if you factor in house shows, with the lower card guys having to foot the bill for their own travel expenses. What's a house if you can't enjoy it? Is your home really a home when a vast majority of your year is spent in a hotel room?

I can't help but think that the ratings talk is just another symptom of the stranglehold that wrestling promoters have on their talent. The importance of ratings is hammered home to let wrestlers know this lifestyle is a necessity. But the thing is, RAW is in no danger of being cancelled if Universal Networks or other suitors are still giving them new programming. Their pay-per-view buyrates seem to be in a good place, and in reality, only one pay-per-view sales number matters anyway. A good WrestleMania take can make the company for the entire year. Basically, they are setting up their entire year to sell one major event. Do they need 52 episodes apiece of RAW, Smackdown, Main Event, Superstars, Saturday Morning Slam, and NXT a year to do that? The answer is clearly and obviously no.

So, if WWE doesn't need 345 hours of original content a year to set up the 5 that matter most, then why are the wrestlers being worked to the point of reputed unhappiness? Would a little time to enjoy themselves outside the ring for its wrestlers be too much to ask for WWE to provide? Obviously, there's the knee-jerk reaction that "This is how wrestling has always been, and they signed up for this lifestyle." Well, that's an awful argument for anything. There's also the argument that WWE needs to be on TV every week in an original manner to remain popular, but that doesn't pass the smell test either. If you need to oversaturate to stay popular, then what does that say for your ability to produce quality programming that keeps people talking and waiting for weeks?

There needs to be a fundamental change in the way WWE does business. What should it be? Well, there are a few options I have in mind that could work. I'm not sure if they're the only ways – they probably aren't. However, to me, at least, seem better than what WWE has going for them.

First, there's the lump sum offseason, where the promotion shuts down for a bulk block of time and demarcate each year into a distinct season, anchored by a WrestleMania. Obviously, this is the option that would require the most culture change in WWE, because it would radically shift their business plan and shut down anywhere from one to three revenue streams depending on how many months they're off the air. While to armchair financial analysts, WWE buyrates can be "bad," even the worst-drawing events are profitable by a large margin. Taking any of those events off the table, in addition to the loss in ad revenue by shutting down for a bulk of time, might not be the most palatable to their bottom line. As much as I say I don't give a shit about their ledgers, I'd be foolish to state that they should operate in a way that they would lose a lot of money.

If the endgame is to get more wrestlers time off, then the idea of rolling offseasons for the roster is probably the next best idea. WWE has a roster of nearly 70 fulltime wrestlers not counting the NXT ranks, and they have a smattering of part-timers who can come and go as they please for big shows. Is there any reason why portions of the roster can't be left home to recuperate or just enjoy their lives for a month here or two months there while a more focused cut of the roster carries the load for a given PPV cycle? Would crowds be as burnt out on John Cena if he only worked 10 months out of the year? Would Punk allegedly threaten to quit every two years if he got to rest more than a day at a time? Conversely, would Tyson Kidd or the Usos be such non-starters if WWE were forced to use them meaningfully instead of as dudes who would act as background noise for the fans filing into the arena for the main taping/show?

The plan of action here would be to rest the main players on the roster and go on a touring schedule. Obviously, the roster would be at full strength for WrestleMania, but letting certain wrestlers take extended time off would be an answer. Plus, with the television schedule staying the same, it would force WWE to use more of its expansive roster in a meaningful way.

Of course, there are other ways they could give their wrestlers a break and cut back on material. They could take weeks off here and there. They could run split squads each week with the special shows having everyone on them. They could do something that I'm not even thinking of. The point is that something needs to change. The business has changed, and there's really no need for the wrestlers to be working the same schedule they did back when the landscape almost demanded it.

Furthermore, when you wrestle the kind of matches that Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund, and the rest of the classic guys did, maybe you can do 300 days a year. With the style becoming more demanding, it's almost imperative that the performers get more time to recuperate. Even if a protracted offseason is unfeasible for WWE, some solution has to be reached. A 0.2 shift in ratings either way isn't worth the rash of injuries, wrestler unhappiness, or the longterm health of the performers under WWE's care, especially when they continually deny them well care and other benefits that would have to come if they were correctly labeled as employees instead of independent contractors.

Kentucky Fried Chikara, Plus Wrestling Is Art... INDEED

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Matt Cage and Alex Castle, better known as the Kentucky Buffet, will be making their Chikara debuts in the Tag World Grand Prix. I've seen a bit from these guys in the last year, and they have promise if nothing else. I think they might win a match or two in the tourney, and hey, if you're going to make your mark on the world of wrestling, a Chikara tournament is the way to go.

In other Chikara conglomerate news, Sho Funaki is going to be making his Wrestling Is Art debut at their next set of shows. So far, he's been announced as wrestling Francis O'Rourke (aka Biff Busick, who was just announced as the final entrant into AIW's JT Lightning Tournament this year... IT'S ALL CONNECTED!) on their May 12th show at the Varnum Auditorium in East Greenwich, RI. Funaki has been keeping himself active in Texas of all places, but he's a fit for the Chikara ethos... INDEED.

Any Shows This Weekend? iPPVs, Free or Otherwise

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Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug
Big weekend for Sami Callihan
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
As with any weekend, there is a ton of pro wrestling going on over the next couple of days. However, it's not just for people who want to venture out locally. There a couple of companies providing iPPV action, one of which is actually doing it for FREE. So, if you are indoors and you want something fun to watch, well, you have options. But if you do want to venture out into the world, you have options too. If you don't see any shows in your area below, you can always hit up Pro Wrestling Events and see what's playing in your area.

But yeah, by far the main event this weekend is happening in upstate New York. Squared Circle Wrestling (2CW) is coming to iPPV on Saturday, but they have an entire weekend of action lined up. Tonight, 2CW invades Rome, NY at the Kennedy Arena. Doors will open at 6 PM. There's a huge dual main event; the first half sees Kevin Steen defending his 2CW Championship against Isys Ephex, who has been on a warpath the last couple of months to get a shot at the title. The second half will feature a rematch from last year, when Sami Callihan challenges John Morrison. Also on the show, Christina von Eerie will battle a mystery opponent (unfortunately replacing Rachel Summerlyn, who is injured), and Steve Corino and Jimmy Jacobs will challenge Punisher van Slyke and Kevin Graham for their 2CW Tag Team Titles.

The main event of the weekend happens Saturday. The live show will happen in Watertown, NY, at the Watertown Fairgrounds Arena. However, you can watch from the comfort of your own home for free via iPPV stream. If you're going live, the doors open at 5 PM, but the broadcast starts at 8 PM. The main event will feature Steen vs. Morrison in a match that will be for the 2CW Championship if Steen escapes alive against Ephex the night before. If not, then I assume Ephex's Stairway to Hell match against Jason Axe will be for the belt. Also on the card, Callihan will wrestle Matt Hardy, Colt Cabana will take on Slyck Wagner Brown, promotion founding father Spike Dudley will take on Masada, and TERRY FUNK will respond to the challenge laid down by Steen. TERRY FN FUNK.

Also on iPPV tonight is SHINE 9. That's not for free, but hey, it'll be well worth your money in my opinion. This card looks like it'll the strongest one that the company has put out yet, at least on paper. Check it out on WWN Live, as the action starts at 9 PM. If you're going out there live? It's at the Orpheum in Ybor City, FL. The main event will be an Arkham Asylum Steel Cage match between Leva Bates and Kimberly. However, the real money is on the undercard, which features qualifying matches for the SHINE Championship tournament. The four qualifying matches include Angelina Love vs. Rain, Saraya Knight vs. Su Yung, Ivelisse Velez vs. Jazz, and Madison Eagles vs. Jessicka Havok. All four of those matches look great, but I'll be goddamned if Velez/Jazz and Eagles/Havok especially don't turn out to be legit Match of the Year candidates. Also on the show, Evie will make her SHINE debut against Mercedes Martinez.

St. Louis Anarchy also has a great show on tap tonight at the Knights of Columbus Hall in Alton, IL, doors opening at 7 PM local. Darin Corbin will be defending his SLA Championship against Mat Fitchett, but the main draw on this card will more than likely be ACH taking on Davey Richards in a rematch over a year in the making. Also, the Hooligans will defend their Tag Team Championships against Evan Gelistico and Gerald "Gary Jay" James, while Dingo, Kyle O'Reilly, Shane Hollister, and Davey Vega collide in a four-way match.

Finally for tonight, Prime Wrestling will be running the Agora Ballroom in Cleveland, OH, at 8 PM local time. Gregory Iron and Zach Gowen will take on Marion Fontaine and Jeremy Madrox for the Tag Championships. Also appearing on the show will be Johnny Gargano, Bobby Beverly, Rickey Shane Page, and Facade.

Tomorrow night in Gibsonville, NC at the Mid-Atlantic Sportatorium, CWF Mid-Atlantic will be opening its doors at 7 PM local time for good ol' fashioned rasslin' action. Arik Royal defends his Mid-Atlantic Championship against Tough Man Tournament winner Matt Smith. Also, Chiva Kid will appear to respond to having his mask stolen at the end of Madness in All Directions, and what do you know, Trevor Lee, the man who stole it, will also be there. Should be volatile!

NWA Houston will have a HUGE card tomorrow as well at the VFW Post #8905 in Cypress, TX Houston Athletic Fencing Center in Houston, TX. Rob Conway will defend his newly won NWA World Heavyweight Championship against none other than Chris Masters. The Tag Championships will be on the line as well, as the Kings of the Underground, Scot Summers and Ryan Genesis, battle Harry Smith and Lance Archer (otherwise known as Lance Hoyt or Vance Archer). Carson also gets a crack at Damien Wayne's National Championship.

Wrestling Is Heart makes its debut on Saturday, featuring the graduates of the School of Roc Wrestling Academy. The doors at the Tippecanoe County Fairgrounds in Lafayette, IN, will open at 1:30 PM local, and the main event features Green Ant teaming up with Mat Russo against Mark Angelosetti and Joe Pittman. Also on the show, Saturyne teams with Heidi Lovelace against Los Ice Creams, and Reed Bentley takes on his teacher, Billy Roc.

Pro Wrestling Collision will be running from the Carbondale Civic Center in Carbondale, IL with a benefit show at 2 PM on Saturday. The proceeds benefit Adam Testa and Aaron Heller, who lost their home in a fire earlier this. Finally, at 22 Austin Street in Rossdale, GA, Empire Pro Wrestling will be running yet another of their weekly shows for $5 admission at 8 PM local, including appearances by Cyrus the Destroyer and Corey Hollis.

There are barely any weekends where there isn't a lot going on, and this weekend is no exception. Whether you stay at home and watch on iPPV or whether you go live, please support wrestling in your area.

Instant Feedback: Of All the Weeks Smackdown Picked to Be Good

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Smackdown can't catch a break. It wasn't even this week that it was particularly bad or underwhelming like it's been over the last few months. There were recaps - goddammit, the recaps were annoying - but the stuff they used to fill in between the RAW spam was on point. The wrestling was good, especially Jack Swagger vs. Alberto del Rio. I liked their WrestleMania match. I liked it a good bit. I thought that their match tonight was better than the one they had 12 days ago. It felt so gutty and raw.

I even dug the angle behind the mixed-trios match. Having a parking spot snaked from you is one of the most annoying everyday foibles that can befall the average person. Even if the match wasn't all that good (it wasn't Nattie's fault, FINALLY she got to wrestle), the fact that it was built on a story that was relatable made it so cathartic.

But none of that's going to matter in the long run, because Boston Police Department caught the main surviving suspect in the Boston Marathon Bombing case. Them's be the breaks. Real life is more important. Thus is life.

The Wrestling Podcast's FUN TIME MAILBAG EXTRAVAGANZA JAMBOREE Call for Questions

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I want YOUR questions
Photo Credit: Amanda Holzerman
If you notice, there's no TweetBag going up today. Why? Because I spent all night alternating between playing Super Mario Bros. 3 and fantasy booking Uncle Ruslan against various WWE heels, starting with Jack Swagger Because I'm saving all the questions that were asked last night and going forward for the next episode of The Wrestling Podcast. That's right, this week's podcast will feature me and fellow staffer and auteur of The Mandible Claw, Danielle Matheson, answering your questions on the air.

Now, there are no real restrictions as to what questions you can ask. With the limitations of time on the show, there's no guarantee your question will make it. However, I will give you a hint, if you will. If you want to give your query an inside track on getting on the air, here's what you do. In the grand tradition of the Solid Verbal mailbag episodes (which are the inspiration for this grand experiment), I will give precedence to two-part questions. That is, if you submit an entry that has one wrestling question and one non-wrestling question, you will have a better shot at being considered. That isn't to say that's the only way to get on though, but it's a start.

So, how do you get these questions in? Well, I'm glad you asked! Here's how:
Anyway, get the questions in, and either Tuesday or Wednesday, we'll bat them back and forth. Hope you guys like what we come up with with what you come up with!

From the Archives: Primo vs. The Miz from WWECW

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I miss WWECW. I've written that before, right? Well, I do. It was a great showcase show full of wrestling that allowed dudes like pre-John Cena feud Miz and Primo Colon get several minutes to do the in-ring tango. This was in the run-up to their WWE Tag Team Championship Unification match that was supposed to happen at WrestleMania XXV. Instead, it was bumped to the pre-show. Oh well. This match was really good though.



Should We Even Care about the United States and Intercontinental Championships?

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Pictured: A moment not important to WWE Creative
Photo Credit: WWE.com
If I had to gather a guess, the combined records of the standing Intercontinental and United States Champions since 2010 in televised matches would be a losing one. That's at least how it feels right now. It seems like if the secondary titleholder of choice is in a non-title match, he's jobbing, no questions asked. It used to be that the Intercontinental Champion in the WWF and the US Champ in NWA/WCW was revered enough that the fans would whisper in hushed tones that maybe that Champion could beat the World Champ. He got protection, and lots of it. Of course, looking through anything with the lens of nostalgia is dangerous, so rather than kvetching about the fact that things weren't like they were in the old days, it's probably best to look at what's different first. What are they doing wrong, and why is that the case?

Well, the why really isn't known, because I don't claim to know these people individually, especially not Vince McMahon. However, the pattern of their booking each of the singles titles shows that the creative team, McMahon himself, or both entities, don't care about any title lower than the Big Gold Belt. Should they care about them? Well, obviously, they should. Should we care about the titles though if they don't care about them? That's a trickier question.

Obviously, any fan who is passionate enough to care about any wrestling company on the hardcore level that the typical meta-fan does is going to focus in on critically thinking about any given aspect of the company. The secondary titles (or now, more accurately, tertiary and quarternary, given that there's distinct elevation of the WWE Championship over the World Heavyweight) have long been a focal point of many a fan, and it doesn't help that at one time, the IC Championship was almost as protected as the WWF Title. Mr. Perfect, Rick Rude, and Razor Ramon became legendary for their runs with those belts, and the Ultimate Warrior, Randy Savage, Bret Hart, and Shawn Michaels all made the transition to the next level on the strength of long, strong IC title reigns.

Because there seems to be not a flip in the world given about those two Championships, it feels like worrying about them is a Sisyphean task. A new Champion is crowned, and as long as it's not Kofi Kingston or Santino Marella, people get their hopes up until within a month or two, that titleholder is taking turns jobbing to Randy Orton and Ryback. It feels like a lot of heartburn over nothing. If WWE doesn't care about something, why should we? Well, I think if you stopped there, you would save yourself the agita, but it would be ignoring two pretty deep problems with that lack of care. The first is obviously that it's bad storytelling. Why have a goddamn MacGuffin if you're not going to have it mean anything? It's nonsensical, but then again, WWE has been accused of not making sense as many times as Tom Cruise has been accused of overacting.

More insidiously is that the lack of care about belts is only a symptom. The major problem is that WWE doesn't have a healthy midcard, and really hasn't for a long time now. Because of that, the Champion, whoever it may be, doesn't have long to hold his MacGuffin before all the worthy stories are done being told with it as a conduit. Basically, the choice then becomes "Should the titleholder defend the title against the opening card talent, or do we just have them job to the more established guys in the main event?" The correct answer is that they should be the masters of that middle level, but WWE doesn't have one. It's Kofi Kingston, a can of Diet Pepsi, and Sin Cara between concussions.

So, it goes back to the question of whether it's better to reign in Hell or serve in Heaven? What's more conducive to getting people to cheer a babyface Champ or boo a heel one; wins over Justin Gabriel or JTG? Or is it gaining the valuable experience by looking competitive against Orton, Ryback, or someone like Kane? That seems to me to be the divide between the meta-fans and the people in the business. I don't mean to speak as whether either group is a hive mind, because they're not. But I'd venture to guess that you'd be more likely to think that Antonio Cesaro's previous reign as US Champion or Wade Barrett's current IC run would be better if they got to wrestle in good matches that they won against people who even weren't on their level if you were one of my peers or readers. The inverse would be true if you were someone who worked in and around the business probably.

But neither one of those groups seems to matter as much as the rest of the people watching, and I don't know about you, but I won't even try to speak for the genpop. If the smaller groups of intelligentsia are too big to label as a hive mind, what about the millions... AND MILLIONS of WWE fans who tune in every week? The only thing they have to go on are years and years of building a strong midcard and then using a secondary Championship as the final gateway to the main event.

One could argue that the World Championship is that new gateway belt, and I'm not sure you'd get an argument from me on that. Still, that Smackdown-main event-level still isn't as defined as it should be. And even lower, the old secondary belts could then serve a purpose as a lower midcard. Look, WWE has a billion hours of TV a week, and they have a trillion wrestlers on the roster (give or take a few on both accounts). There's no reason why there can't be well-defined but unspoken divisions to the point where if a match happens between guys from different strata, the result is predictable. Then again, that's not a bad thing, because then when the upset happens, it means something.

But until that happens, is it even wise to give ourselves the heartburn of worrying about whether the Champion, whether it be someone who is well-liked like Cesaro or Barrett, or a guy no one gives a flip about like Kingston or Marella, gets the awful booking treatment? I'm not saying that it is or it isn't. However, the bigger problem is that WWE would have these problems even if the IC and US Championship belts were sold to TNA for them to use as masturbatory aids. The midcard needs saving, because that's where the stars of tomorrow come from. The only thing that's important on any given WWE program is in the main event, and when you have to fill three hours every Monday, two every Friday, and single hours here and there, well, that's not conducive to providing a full experience to the fanbase now, is it?

A Great and Devious Entry into the Grand Prix

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They were Incoherence, then two-thirds of Team Frightning, and now, they are emissaries of a Spectral Envoy that seems to be the only group in Chikara immune to the promotion-wide fracture that is epidemic. Regardless of the climate, Hallowicked and Frightmare will be the next team to try and best the field and take home the Tag World Grand Prix. As of right now, they have to be the odds-on favorites, right?

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, April 22nd

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YEEE HAW
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Mark Henry (Last Week: 5) - SURPRISE SPEARS. Just another way Mark Henry will split your goddamn wig.

2. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 3) - Bryan won his beard-off with Josh Reddick. Did anyone have any doubts? If so, step forward so you can suffer the same fate Jamie Lannister did last week.

3. Rachel Summerlyn (Last Week: 4) - There's no truth to the rumor that she tried to sneak into the locker room, donning a fake moustache, and insert herself into the 2CW Championship Stairway to Hell match between Jason Axe and Isys Ephex. However, she totally did beat Chris Masters in a pose-down. True story. Maybe.

4. Terry Funk (Last Week: Not Ranked) - TERRY FUNK IS STILL WRESTLING. THE MAN MUST BE 80 BILLION YEARS OLD AND I'D STILL RATHER SEE HIM THAN DAVEY RICHARDS. WHY AM I CAPS LOCKING THIS? BECAUSE IT'S TERRY GODDAMN FUNK, YOU HEATHENS.

5. Kellie Skater (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So, she straightened her hair and wore some makeup at SHINE 9, which in and of itself isn't too big a deal. I mean, looks are looks, right? Kellie Skater is awesome even if she's dressed in sackcloth. But I think this proves that she's not only made of adamantium, but is also adaptable, which means fucking shit, we're all gonna die, aren't we?

6. Chickie's and Pete's Pizza (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - C&P's might be Philly's douchebag mecca, and I once almost waited three days between ordering a drink and getting it once, but goddammit, do they make a good pizza.

7. David Ortiz (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Big Papi beat the FCC, and for that, he belongs on here.

8. Old-Ass Andre Miller (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Miller has to have been playing ball since the Funker was in diapers, right? Either that, or Kyrie Irving dressed up as Uncle Drew, put on Miller's uniform, and no one noticed as he went off.

9. Kevin Steen (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He may have gone 0-2 this weekend, but I think he also inherited the nickname "Big Kev." What basis do I have? None, but if you question me, I will treat you as hostile like I did that Batiri-shamed douchebag who thinks because Steen never won the CZW Championship he hasn't done anything.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: When del Rey played through Pokemon: Red Edition the first time, she went into the game and deadlifted Snorlax out of her way instead of getting the PokeWhistle.

Instant Feedback: DIAGRAMS!

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Daniel Bryan had diagrams drawn up. Diagrams and strategies, man. He was prepared for his battle with The Shield, but I bet he had diagrams drawn up for years. As a guy who grew up watching wrestling, there's no doubt that Bryan had in the back of his mind that he'd want to be like the Undertaker, or at least a star comparable to him like Shawn Michaels or Bret Hart or Sting. I can't make hacky sportswriter comparisons about how this must have been living the dream for Bryan, but there's something about watching a generational bridge being built in front of you, even if it happened via tape delay. That says nothing for the other three guys across the ring from the Brothers of Destruction and even Bryan himself, who was somewhat of an independent wrestling pioneer and a signpost wrestler for Jon Moxley and Tyler Black to follow at the very least.

The subsequent clash between the old and new schools of WWE and wrestling in general lived up to every expectation that was levied upon it, but it wasn't the only match that delivered tonight. The wrestling was whimsical at the very least, and meaty and tension-filled at best. Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler was good enough to be the main event on more than a few WWE TV shows this year. Antonio Cesaro yanked a decent match out of R-Truth (though don't get me started on the yodeling), and given more than a couple of seconds, Cody Rhodes and Tensai did some work too.

In fact, outside of the opening segment, where Paul Heyman, after giving Trips the props that all opponents of his are seemingly contractually obligated to give him, got beat up for getting underneath Trips' thin skin, RAW was incredibly good. I guess when you have ALL THOSE MUSCLES, the cells covering them can't be too thick. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

Still though, even the main event stuff got me interested. Say what you want about Ryback, but the guy is acquitting himself like a WWE main eventer. I don't know if it's too much, too soon as to why people aren't latching onto him, but whatever it is is clicking with me. That's a big qualifier though. John Cena did his part well, both as Mick Foley's ear to listen to, as well as the best possible version of the modern WWE babyface. He cleared out The Shield and made the save, even though he really didn't have to. I heard a lot of people on Twitter groaning at the attack, but he had a receipt coming. Cena's a good guy. He's not a saint.

But even though they retreated, The Shield were the gangstas of the night from their arrival until the end when they needed a cyborg with a steel chair to chase them out of the ring. Seriously, they arrived at the arena in a helicopter. The future is now, people.

The Goddamn Undertaker

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Photo Credit: WWE.com

Twenty years ago, it wouldn't have been all that surprising if the Undertaker or Mean Mark Callous or whatever he was being called at the time were thrown in the ring to savage Sika of the Wild Samoans. Here we are today, and he's giving back some of what Sika's son gave to him earlier in the match. It just goes to show how wild a ride any given wrestler can go on during a long career.

More Every Day Annoyances, Please

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All this over a parking spot... and I approve
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Remember when Chris Jericho and Kane started a feud over a cup of spilled coffee? It's been a running joke for years, man, almost a decade even. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've always liked that moment, to be bluntly honest. I don't believe in the term "guilty pleasure," but if I were to have one, that moment in wrestling history would come closest to being called one.

There was a similar moment Friday on Smackdown, when the Fiat being driven by Hornswoggle and containing Nattie Neidhart and the Great Khali, was about to pull into a parking spot until Rosa Mendes, porting the Colon Cousins, snaked the spot right from under them at the last minute. Normally, a mixed-trios match featuring Nattie and the Freakshow against PERM wouldn't pique my interest, but I was actually invested in that match. I mean, who among us hasn't had a parking spot taken from us at the last minute by a sneaky motorist? Hell, how many times have we been on the stealing end and had someone curse us out? How many times was there a stated or implicit desire to engage in fisticuffs over said transgression?

We can't start a fight over that sort of thing. It sucks, but as law-abiding members of society, we kinda have to keep from resorting to violence in those situations. Pro wrestlers, well, they have legal avenues where they can remedy issues of social conflict through engaging in combat. It's almost like wrestling from the start was built up as a vicarious means of catharsis for regular joes like you and me. Weird.

The whole competition and winning Championships thing in wrestling has worked for decades, because it's an easy storytelling mechanism. However, every wrestling story at its heart should drive towards giving the crowd catharsis. Who said it had to be through means that are totally achieved strictly within the ethos of that environment? I don't think I want to see WWE become every-day-conflicts-resolved-by-physical-violence, but that's only because variety is the spice of life. I want every kind of story to be told, and hey, if those stories happen to come from coffee being spilled accidentally to snaking a parking spot and everything in between.

It especially works for people on the entry level or in the low-card. They literally have nothing to fight for. They're not getting title shots, and fuck if the main event guys deign to even talk to them. Hell, it was a minor miracle that John Cena even remembered who the fucking Prime Time Players were let alone work an opening-show angle with them before Mania. Why not let them run with a kangaroo court oeuvre where the heels break societal norms, and the faces make the challenges? I can't speak for anyone else, but I do know that an average Justin Gabriel vs. JTG match plunked in the middle of Smackdown would be baffling, but if it came of the result of JTG talking loud on his cellphone while Gabriel was meditating or reading, I'd be all over it.

So yeah, while I don't expect the spilled coffee or even the Smackdown thing to be more than jokes, I appreciate what the intent was with them. Wrestling is catharsis, whether it's a hero of the fans completing his run to the title, or whether it's someone actually getting to slap the shit out of the guy who stole his parking spot.

WWE Divas Getting a Reality Show

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The Bellas and company are getting a new show
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Via WWE.com

This tells me a couple of things. One, another network wants WWE on its airwaves? No though, weekly parsing of ratings is so important, I swear. Secondly, it tells me that WWE is trying to find the ballpark when it comes to its women competitors. A reality show on E! won't really solve the ills, but at least they're going to give women a whole show instead of just minuscule time on the flagships. I find more negative connotations in that than anything, but I guess it's a start. I dunno.

"It's Just Wrestling" Is the Worst Excuse Ever, and Be A Star Is Always Relevant

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The act of someone worthy of cheering? Fuck and no
Photo Credit: WWE.com
"It's just wrestling."

That's the response that the fan who was cheering vociferously for D'arcy Dixon to get her head taken off by Jay Bradley at National Pro Wrestling Day gave in defense of his shameful and borderline misogynist enthusiasm for what was really undeserved violence against someone whose fault it wasn't for the match being lost. The problem is that there are more fans like him than there are like me and people who agree with me that wrestling do better than appealing to the basest emotions in fans.

"It's just wrestling."

That's the main criticism against people continually bringing up the B. A. Star campaign that WWE was involved with (and may still even be involved with) as a zing against them for having their babyfaces act the bully. It doesn't matter that Triple H's wife is a major part of the campaign. Trips can beat up an old man with no training because that's his birthright as the King of Kings, to be able to punch people for the crime of speaking their mind. John fucking Cena can be a major figurehead within the campaign, and no one within the company thinks it might be a tad hypocritical that he equates having a penis to being important, or has a history of slurring people based on their looks.

"It's just wrestling."

That's the clarion call of people who might defend the spate of awful babyfaces that the WWE has had since, well, they were the WWF and expanding nationwide. Hulk Hogan spent lots of time trying to get his hands on Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, and many of us now who are of a similar age to me cheered the shit out of him. I was a young, dumb kid, so I lapped it up. Now, it seems dangerous to set the precedent that "might equals right." That's what the message is, basically. It doesn't matter what you have to say, whether it's vile (and let's face it, Paul Heyman in character has sunk to some pretty slimy depths in verbally attacking Triple H) or it's truthful. Heenan made a career calling out Hogan for his many inadequacies, much to the point that years later in a different company, his vindication at Hogan being the third man in the nWo felt poignant.

What his entire feud with Hogan screams now, years after the fact, is that it doesn't matter what you have to say, if you can't back it up with your actions, you're worthless. Between two able-bodied, somewhat evenly-matched wrestlers, that is a classic trope. It's one that's overused by WWE today, but still, it works when not overdone. However, when you start going to the well of beating up observers, whether they be Heenan, Heyman, or anyone with something to say who isn't a wrestler, then it gets dangerous, and it fosters an idea that is against the very notions this country was founded on to be bluntly honest. Yes, the First Amendment only protects you from being silenced by the government, but at the same time, the spirit of the law means that you should be free from intimidation to tell your story, right?

It was bad when it was Hogan intimidating Heenan. It's worse now when the new crop of WWE babyfaces feel justified knocking someone's block off just for saying things they don't like because of the B. A. Star campaign. No one made WWE participate in that campaign, and yet there they were, pretending to be concerned about bullying. It's all well and good to talk about how kids should be nice to other kids in segments that are set apart from the show and clearly portrayed as out of character (ones that are easily tuned out like the movie trailers and other pap WWE produces between relevant segments). But when the same Cena they had dryly talking about how bullying is awful in that commercial thing they missed while getting a chocolate milk is now dressing down Heath Slater for looking like a girl or more recently, letting Ryback know he had no testicles as if that means anything, which one is the kid watching in the target audience going to think is cool?

Effective wrestling character building and not promoting TV with reprehensible protagonists are not mutually exclusive. I actually have no problem with Triple H beating up Paul Heyman because he keeps saying mean things about his wife and kids. I do have a problem with the narrative surrounding it actively rooting him on. That's an awful act, and no one should pretend that proving your physical superiority over a man you could kill easily is the act of a man worth cheering. But then again, what fun is there having all white hats and all black hats and no shades of gray? Well, yeah, I see that argument, but where in WWE's mythos do the good guys ever have to face consequences? No one is perfect, but the thing is, in WWE, when a good guy does bad, either the consequences are non-existent, or those prices seem unfair by their very existence.

However the infallibility of the good guys might play on the basest desires of some fans who watch wrestling, but it's hard for me to blame them for taking the bait. I mean, they took the bait just as easily when Hogan wore his whitest hat, defending Miss Elizabeth's honor against the overly jealous and heavily-implied-as-abusive Randy Savage, right? People don't just want to go to wrestling shows to be awful people. You can have a hot wrestling show that doesn't have gross violence on it. So why do people keep defending it?

"It's just wrestling."

Sorry, that doesn't hold water for me anymore. Going on something just because of precedent alone with no real solid, logical base, is the laziest, most dishonest modus operandi anyone could go off. If fans don't want to see "Be a star" used as a criticism of WWE, well, then too bad. Maybe WWE shouldn't commit to a public service campaign with empty intentions. Maybe they should try to make their babyfaces to be either decent people at heart or to at least learn that their bad actions have consequences.

Maybe they shouldn't just accept that it's just wrestling anymore and try to change the definition. It's not only possible, but it's also necessary for the artform to evolve.

Wrestling Six Packs: Indie Matches That Need to Happen in 2013

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Give us this rematch!
Photo Credit: Gregory Davis/DDS
Okay, we haven't had a Six Pack in a few weeks. Life has been kicking my ass lately. But never fear, I haven't forgotten it! Therefore, let's ease back in with a simple, well-worn topic... requesting matches that should happen in the indies this year! Some of these matches have happened in the past. Some haven't. However, all of them need to happen for the first time or again this year. Without further ado...

1. Rachel Summerlyn vs. Hailey Hatred

I know this match happened before in IWA Mid-South. That's well and good, but both wrestlers have grown immensely since then. Summerlyn conquered Anarchy and was well on her way to doing the same in 2CW before an unfortunate neck injury sidelined her. Hatred went ham on the joshis and was the first gaijin to win the JWP Openweight Championship, for Christ's sake. When Summerlyn returns from injury (and I know she will, because she's fierce, tough, and resilient), this match needs to happen. Maybe 2CW can lure Hatred back from Japan for a few weeks to make it happen? Or maybe it can happen in SHIMMER? SHINE? I don't care. Let these two go, and it will be on the shortlist for match of the year.

2. Kyle Matthews vs. ACH

I shouldn't have to explain this to anyone. This should be a dream match on anyone's list, but it's not, mainly because Matthews is still working his way into parts of the country with exposure and attention. ACH and Matthews are guys who are so complementary to each other. They're both freakishly agile, athletic, and both have sublime grasp of pacing and psychology. I think this has a chance of happening this year, especially since Matthews and ACH are moving more and more into the same territory, there's a good chance this match takes place. Whatever promotion puts it on has my money. Whatever promotion puts it on in a main event/marquee match spot gets my loyalty.

3. Cheerleader Melissa (c) vs. Madison Eagles, SHIMMER World Championship Match

Why didn't this happen at the last five volume tapings? My guess is the SHIMMER crew was preoccupied with Allison Danger's farewell, Melissa's heel turn, Jessicka Havok's invasion of the promotion, and the last stand of the Canadian Ninjas as Tag Team Champions. Throwing a rematch the caliber of Eagles/Melissa on there would be like tossing truffle fries on the same plate as Chateaubriand, lobster mac 'n cheese, duck confit, and a Cornish game hen. I mean, you could do it, but don't you wanna save something great for the next meal? It could be my unrepentant fandom for Eagles speaking, but she didn't fall off the face of the Earth because she suddenly got bad. She got hurt. Give her her rematch before Melissa goes and does something rash like dropping the belt to Leva Bates or Ayako Hamada.

4. reDRagon (Kyle O'Reilly and Bobby Fish) vs. the Rock 'n Roll Express

Cocky, technically overdramatic, modern dick heels against the goodest of the good ol' Southern boys? If you need any more explanation as to why this match should happen, we can't be friends. C'mon PWS, do it, do it for the good of mankind.

5. Uhaa Nation vs. Chris Masters

I CRAVE HOSS FIGHTS. Errr, I'm sorry, yeah, I do enjoy me a good round of clubberin', but who's left on the indies to throw girth with Nation? Well, there are plenty of guys, actually. There's Willie Mack, Michael Elgin, various hoss-types in Texas, Cyrus the Destroyer, Brian Cage... but y'know, I never see enough of the Masterpiece anymore. The dude was legit one of the best wrestlers in WWE before they threw him out like yesterday's garbage. You would think someone in the high indies would run with that. Maybe he was too expensive for an extended run? I don't know, but someone needs to pony up and get him the same ring as Uhaa Nation because I require it.

6. Jessicka Havok vs. Sami Callihan

There isn't a whole lot of time left for this match to happen. In fact, it could already be too late. However, I'm just putting this out there as a footnote to Callihan's indie career. I've wanted this match to happen for a year now, and both of these wrestlers have wanted it as well. We kinda got it in a tag match, where Callihan and LuFisto finished off Havok and Adam Cole with dueling stretch mufflers. This is the one match that probably has gotten away, but I do think it needs to happen.

The Best Moves Ever: Omega Driver

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I know, I know, it has another name too, but I'm not a fan of that at all. However, I am a fan of the move itself. But then again, I like Chuck Taylor, and I love reckless-looking head drops. Here it is.

Your Midweek Links: Forget Rand Paul, THIS Is the Best Filibuster Ever

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YES! YES! YES!
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Staff Shots:

- The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 94: Guest, Dylan Hales [Street Survivors Series]

- The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling, by Danielle [With Leather]

- The Best and Worst of RAW, by Brandon [With Leather]

- Best Coast Bias: NEXPLODES! CORRE MELTDOWN! ETC! by Butch [The Wrestling Blog]

Wrestling Links:

- Bryan Danielson is gone, long live Daniel Bryan [Ole Wrestling]

- Jessica's joshi jaunts: Act one [The Mandible Claw]

- Ten matches where pro wrestling turned real [Camel Clutch Blog]

- Tournaments in wrestling [TJR Wrestling]

- WWE WrestleMania XXIX Review [Cewsh Reviews]

- Why I'm not worried about Antonio Cesaro, and a big problem with WWE storytelling [Ole Wrestling]

- Bruno Sammartino reveals details of his meeting with Vince McMahon [Camel Clutch Blog]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- Patton Oswalt's Star Wars filibuster from Parks and Recreation is spectacular [Film Drunk]

- Nine ways Game of Thrones is actually feminist [Buzz Feed]

- Game of Thrones characters ranked by most likely they are to succeed in film [Warming Glow]

- CNN botches reporting on Boston bombing investigation [Warming Glow]

- Seven cities that defy terrorism [Buzz Feed]

- Answer the damn door [Celebrity Hot Tub]

- This Week in F--K YOU: THIS GODDAMN WEEK [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

- Nintendo Direct roundup: Link to the Past and Yoshi's Island sequels, Earthbound re-release and more [Gamma Squad]

- Definite proof from Punch-Out!! that Doc Louis tried to kill Little Mac [Sports Pickle]

- 16 completely inappropriate things hidden in video games [Topless Robot]

- Speak, Sega: (Mis)Remembering Pat Summerall [The Classical]

- Pat Summerall, the last of the hard voices [Deadspin]

- The literal and figurative death of the understated play-by-play guy [The Mighty MJD Sports]

- Pat Summerall's passing feels like losing a member of our football family [Wide Left]

- BREAKING: Manziel spotted with North Korean nuke [Good Bull Hunting]

- Ian McKellen wishes people weren't so nice about Margaret Thatcher [Buzz Feed]

- High-schooler protests "slut-shaming" abstinence assembly [Think Progress]

- Five craziest ways men have censored female sexuality [Cracked]

- 20 poignant things said by George Carlin [UPROXX]

- Pregnant celebrities don't need your help [Pajiba]

- Michael Jordan was poisoned [The Smoking Section]

- What your favorite NBA playoff team says about you [Sports Pickle]

- There's a beer made of elephant shit that you can't buy because it sold out within minutes of release [The Smoking Section]

- Garces Trading Company [Doughboys]

- Bacon Weave Quesadilla [Dude Foods]

- How to make potato salad: A guide for the great-aunts of tomorrow [Foodspin]

- Five insane true stories that prove humans can survive anything [Cracked]

- Man purchasing red pants better be ready to put up or shut up [The Onion]

- Facebook's I F*cking Love Science does not f*cking love artists [Scientific American]

A Quick Thought on Michael Bay Telling Rock What He Should or Should Not Do

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"[He] needs to grow up." -- A douchebag
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Via WrestleChat

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic masterpieces as Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, recently had this to say about Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, one of the stars of his latest film, Pain and Gain:
Dwayne’s hurt tonight. He was pushing it too hard. [He] needs to grow up and stop wrestling 300-pound men.
I find it absolutely hilarious that a man who has the intellectual maturity and cultural sensitivity to include robot testicles as a gag and Stepin Fetchit-styled cyborgs in the same goddamn movie is telling another man to grow up with respect to professional wrestling. First Glenn Beck, now Bay? What is it with these hacky, bottom-of-the-barrel types attacking wrestling?

Regardless, Bay is allowed to make dumb movies with schlocky dialogue, one-dimensional characters, and borderline racism in them just as much as Rocky is allowed to wrestle. Rock isn't doing it for the money, so he must really, really love the pro graps if he keeps coming back (even though he keeps getting hurt doing it). One man telling another man to "grow up" is the last line of defense of a stuck up demagogue who has no idea what it means to be a fully realized human being with thoughts, desires, and wants that don't necessarily fall in lockstep with yours.

Should Rock give up wrestling? Maybe he should, maybe he shouldn't. I don't know. I'm not a studio exec, his doctor, or even The Rock himself. I will say that if he continues on in the ring or not, him needing to "grow up" shouldn't play a role in it. And if Bay wants to cast his stones, maybe he shouldn't leave blatant examples of needing to grow up by his own standards in his "art." Because Lord knows Robot Heaven is such a high-art concept compared to Wrest... you know what, I can't even finish that sentence without retching. Not even ironically

Davey Richards, WWE, and an Admission of Arrogance on My Own Behalf

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Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug
WWE-bound or not, I have to respect his popularity
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
At the St. Louis Anarchy show Friday, Davey Richards, after his match with ACH, announced to the crowd that he was "headed to Connecticut" to prove he was the real best in the world there. As with anything Richards says, I took it with a grain of salt and made the wanking motion with my right hand. However, I started to ponder whether WWE would be able to "fix" him. It was after I had announced my intention to write a column on that subject on Twitter that I reconsidered it and felt like such a goddamn douchebag. Let me explain.

Richards is one of the most polarizing wrestlers in any promotion right now. Those who hate him despise him for whatever reason. Fans of his are devotees of his matches as if they were the best wrestling has ever been or ever will be. Yes, both are exaggerations, but you get the point, I hope. Anyway, it stands to reason that the biggest divide about his wrestling ability is on his use of situational no-selling. As a card-carrying member of the hater brigade, my case against him is based around the fact that not only does he sell less than the old-school Undertaker at his worst, but his ability to produce offense out of that style of wrestling is all wrong. Ayako Hamada, ACH, and others whom I like a lot wrestle that kind of style a lot, but their sense of timing is way better. They seem to know how to pace a match, and thus it works in the grand scheme of things. With Richards, it feels like a bunch of traded strikes, grunting, constipated faces, and no real ear on how to make the match flow. I'm sure someone has a rebuttal for why Richards' abilities are suitable to their tastes. Hell, a lot of people probably have them because the man keeps getting booked on every show he can make it on, including in Ring of Honor and Pro Wrestling Guerrilla.

Where my own arrogance comes in is that I assume that just because he's going to WWE means he's going to be reprogrammed, or that he even should be reprogrammed. I've preached the mantra that wrestling is a buffet, and there's something for everyone. This idea explains why John Cena continues to be THE CHAMP even after a portion of fans in our little meta-community have grown to hate him with the fire of a thousand suns. Cena reaches a different set of fans, while those who loathe Cena get healthy doses of CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Dolph Ziggler to sate their thirsts. I think it's a clear fact that Davey Richards is not for me. It's exceedingly haughty for me to think that he should have to change just because he's entering a company whose styles are different than the one he's used to working.

That isn't to say he wouldn't change. But then again, there's a new regime in charge in WWE's talent relations department. Triple H has signed a bunch of dudes and dudettes with varying backgrounds, and for the most part, he's let them go out and retain a lot of their identity, for better or worse. I mean, say what you want about Sin Cara, but he wasn't tasked with learning a COMPLETELY different style. His lucha game was toned down, sure, but he was still a luchador. Who's to say that Richards won't come in as some variant of the strong-style dude who does MOVEZ with little or no regard to selling? It's not like WWE is foreign to having that kind of deal in its matches. Just look at Triple H vs. Undertaker at WrestleMania XXVII (think of it as a Davey Richards/Eddie Edwards match in SUPER SLOW MO), or Rock vs. Cena this year.

What I'm trying to relay is that you don't have to like Richards. But for anyone, myself included, to expect that he would have to change because the only style of wrestling that's palatable to the masses is the kind I like is a bit arrogant. I don't think Richards is good by any stretch of the imagination. And who knows, he may not even be headed to WWE because hey, remember when he was going to quit wrestling all those times to be a paramedic? I'll believe he's in WWE when the ink is dry on the developmental deal. However, if he does go there, I probably won't still like him or think he's any good. But learning to be okay with that fact and to be okay with people who do dig him is all part of growing as a fan and a human being. It's healthy.

The First Females in the Tournament Are Feisty Ones

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Saturyne and Heidi Lovelace will be teaming up to enter the Tag World Grand Prix. They'll be the first females in the fray, but if I were a betting man, I might think they won't be the last. They're both very young, but exciting in the same token. They may not go far, but however far they go, they'll at least burn out bright. Also, why is Lovelace wearing a mask? I guess she just thought "When in Rome."
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