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20 Years Gone

October 5, 2017, 9:00 am
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Whether as a loose cannon or flyin', Pillman was special
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Brian Pillman died 20 years ago today of a congenital heart defect that reared its ugly head just as he was about ready to become one of the biggest deals in WWE at the height of the Attitude Era. To have a ticking time bomb planted in you from birth cut you down when you're about to become a huge deal is the biggest tragedy possible without being able to place blame on someone for fucking it all up. But life has a cruelty about it, that folks like Pillman end up as "what if?" cases and not as complete, Hall of Fame-level careers. Make no mistake about it, if one were to compose a hard, objective set of criteria for whether or not a wrestler was a Hall of Famer, Pillman would have qualified even before his untimely death.

For one, Pillman was perhaps the most charismatic person ever to step into a wrestling ring. From his wild eyes to his raspy voice and command of the language in a way that made people turn around and listen to him, he was a magnet for attention spans. He made people stand at attention, even as he wasn't able to work at an adequate level thanks to his foot injury. The home invasion angle where he pulled a gun on Steve Austin was notable because, well, he pulled a gun on Steve Austin, but he was able to project both frightened paranoia and unpredictable madman behavior that really made adding in the shock value of the gun both superfluous and absolutely sensible.

But his WWE tenure was only a tip of the iceberg. For many people, he was the first real junior heavyweight to catch their eyes. World Championship Wrestling with Flyin' Brian gave people a taste of what was to come, even if he was more known for his freewheeling team with Austin as the Hollywood Blondes, working WCW into a shoot over his release, showing up for a cup of coffee in Extreme Championship Wrestling, and then his WWE tenure. But for fans around the end of the '80s and beginning of the '90s, he was a revelation.

Few people have had the lasting impact over long careers that Pillman had in his short one. He lit so many fuses and traveled down so many roads that it's hard to imagine his career not culminating in a WrestleMania main event and a place in WWE's Attitude pantheon alongside Austin, Rock, Vince McMahon, Mick Foley, and the Undertaker. Wrestling was better for having known him for however short a tenure he was within it.
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Twitter Request Line, Vol. Maine

October 5, 2017, 12:00 pm
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Uh, hello former Kaitlyn
Photo via @CelesteBonin
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Assuming this is wrestling only, because fuck if I know who an Instagram model is or what other female celebrities are posting on their social media.
  1. Celeste Bonin - She's the GOAT. I mean, she turned thirst-trapping into art, man.
  2. Emma - How good do you have to be at thirst-trapping to make creative try to give that to you as a gimmick?
  3. Hania the Howling Huntress - She doesn't post pics as often as others in her category, but when she does, gawd, I'm shook.
  4. Nattie Niedhart - For as groan-inducing as she has been lately on Smackdown, she always brings the heat, usually in creatively cyber-punk ways.
  5. Liv Morgan - She's a newer entrant to the game, so she knows how to bring emoji placement.
  6. Bea Priestley - British imports never looked finer
I know that was kinda male-gazey, but honestly, appreciating beauty and aesthetic is healthy as long as those things aren't the only thing one values. Also, no one who tries to thirst-trap can be bad at it, just different shades of good.

Honestly, I don't really watch anything in my house that's not tailored for kids, and that includes wrestling. The most questionable wrestling I can think of right now that'd be on broadcast television are Lucha Underground and Ring of Honor. The former I'm way behind on DVR and don't watch when the kids are up, and the latter I'm not interested enough in that product to see if I have Comet. I actively want my kids to watch WWE and Chikara (tickets are free for kids!), but I'm also not naive enough to know that WWE crosses lines on a regular basis. Luckily, my kids don't pay attention too much anyway, and they're usually in bed for the bulk of the show anyway.

All-time, nothing touches Big Bully Busick.
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Photo via Online World of Wrestling
I mean, how do you compete with that!?! Nowadays, the answer is probably when Michael Elgin goes with the shaved-head, full-beard look. That always looks bad-ass, even when Big Show ganks it for himself.

Well, it depends. If it's Grave Consequences, Buxton wins, but if it's the Death Match, I give the nod to Aaron Judge.

People don't like to be wrong, and other people can't grasp ideas of nuance or the fact that people change opinions. I mean, remember back to the 2004 Presidential race, when John Kerry was lambasted for being a "flip-flopper?" It's somehow in some people's human nature that if you were right at one time, you have to continue to defend that opinion no matter what changes those people make. It's the extreme end of confirmation bias. Of course, none of that matters anyway because they're opinions on wrestling. The only thing that matters less is ethical gaming journalism. But still, people have their hobbyhorses that they will defend until death, no matter how much conditions change.

I think it depends on who it is. If it's family, you gotta keep yelling at them until they change, but if it's someone you can cut out or someone you don't see often, you gotta phase them out if they show no signs of changing. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Well, for one, it slaps. It bangs. It goes, man. It rakes. Oh, you want reasons why. Well, first, every song on the album feels memorable. It has a hook, or a great chorus, or tremendous instrumentation. It's the first album from Queens that felt complete to me at least since Songs for the Deaf. Specifically, I think the addition of off-key synthesizers in the vein of My Bloody Valentine elevates it. Anyway, listen to it for yourself. It's the leader in the clubhouse for my Album of the Year so far:

Spotify
Tracks on YouTube
Sadly, I'm deficient in the area of horror movies, because I'm a yellow-bellied coward who hates being scared. So my answer automatically defaults to Shaun of the Dead which was less horror and more horror-comedy. But then again, I did enjoy Ash vs. Evil Dead quite a bit, so maybe I am ready for more horror? The world may never know.

If I get to blink their entire existence out, like their whole lives, the answer is easy — Vince Russo. No one is more overrated for their success and no one did more damage to wrestling than he did with his insistence, not that kayfabe should be destroyed, but that it should be warped to include insider terms and blurring the line between script and what people thought was actual backstage dirt. He was also a lecherous piece of shit who either began the degradation of WWE's women or was enabled by Vince McMahon's inner sexism.

If you're just talking about a dude I want off the face of the earth right now, no history-altering involved, that answer is Randy Orton. If doesn't exist, WWE isn't tempted to put him on TV anymore. Everyone wins.


  1. Catcher in the Rye - Yeah, I know it makes me a solitary weirdo, but when I read it in high school, I was a solitary weirdo so it fit.
  2. Moneyball - Yeah, I know. But that stuff interests me.
  3. Hamlet - Do plays count as books? Eh, I had to read it in school, and I actually enjoyed it. It made me believe that Shakespeare could be accessible and entertaining without needing a modern adaptation.
  4. The Chocolate War - Again, I was a solitary weirdo with masculinity issues, so I really identified with the lead character, which is what made him getting the shit kicked out of him at the end both painful and very relatable.
  5. The Lord of the Flies - I like a lot of books about fucked up kids, don't I? Anyway, I don't think I read enough books before I stopped reading them in general, and that's a minor regret I have in life. Ah well.

Yeah, I don't think he's turning. I think Triple H loves WCW enough to know that someone has to be Sting, and while Roddy Strong isn't exactly as charismatic as Steve Borden, god bless 'im, he's still built up enough goodwill as a white meat protagonist that turning him would feel like a big fuck you. Yeah, I know, WCW was all about big fuck yous, but also I think Trips learns from Vince McMahon's mistakes, and he has a better feel for his crowd than McMahon does with his, which is to say none. While I think Trips has a vision, it's not necessarily as rigid. I could be wrong, but Strong feels like a face with integrity.
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Canuck Scam and Nazi Lucha? Oh Boy...

October 6, 2017, 6:00 am
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Gird your loins, this guy is writing lucha
Photo via Vince Russo's Facebook Group
Usually, a good shorthand rule to follow, especially in wrestling, is that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Take for example the cautionary tale of Canuck Pro Wrestling. The company sprung up out of seemingly nowhere to advertise shows across the great nation of Canada. Even though the advertising was for shows that were months ahead of time, it seemed like an interesting gambit. It was a promotion that running all across Canada, dates in Toronto and Vancouver and in places between. The talent it was advertising was off the charts: Dick Togo, Eddie Kingston, Davey Boy Smith, Jr., Dalton Castle, Moose, just to name a few wrestlers.

It was curious for a few reasons. One, it was advertising shows sometimes a whole year out. WWE rarely does that, and only for earth-shattering matches like John Cena vs. The Rock. Two, the roster seemed like it was all killer, no filler, at least in terms of notoriety. Each match announced felt like it was taken from a TEW game of a person with the most rudimentary knowledge of non-WWE wrestling. It was attempting to be Pro Wrestling Guerrilla in 2017 without realizing that PWG was built upon foundations of being a local indie promotion once upon a time.

Well, anyway, if it smells like a fraud and looks like a fraud and sounds like a fraud, it is a fraud. BJ Whitmer was the first to blow it open on Twitter:
Soon, the wrestlers who were booked started to catch wind of it, and a whole bunch of dates became open. Wannabe money mark promotions that soak up dates make everyone look bad, and are a plague on the wrestling industry for several reasons. They dilute trust between the ticket-buyer and new promotions on the whole. They artificially reserve dates for wrestlers and then put them in a lurch when the shows get cancelled, especially if they've already procured transportation. Oftentimes, the customer doesn't get refunds for their ticket purchases. The whole thing stinks, to be honest.

What stinks even worse, however, is the butchering and abusing of the good name of lucha libre in the name of profit. I covered Lucha Forever yesterday, but what The Cubs Fan reported yesterday makes that band of culturally appropriating cosplayers look damn innocent in comparison. Basically, Aroluxe, the production company that worked with TNA and sued Dixie Carter for owed money and that is run by literal Nazis Ron and Don Harris, is developing a lucha libre promotion for television to be written by Vince Russo. It will be based out of Nashville, TN. If you wanted a Yahtzee of bad ideas (non-Mexican lucha, funded by Nazis, written for TV by the man who got pro wrestling booted off Spike TV), this concept gives it to you. Given the political leanings of the Harris Bros. and Russo's lack of a filter for bad ideas, I wouldn't be surprised if the first main angle involved the babyfaces trying to send people back to Mexico and building a wall. Hopefully, this concept never sees the light of day, because holy shit, no, that evil doesn't need to befoul the wrestling world.

Honestly, yesterday was not a very good day for wrestling news, and it highlights why wrestlers with marginal chances to hit it big and make money in WWE take predatory, competition-squelching contracts. The indies are way too goddamn volatile and filled with Vince McMahon wannabes that you might as well take your chances with the real deal. At least he's got a track record of success, I guess.
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Learning to Live with Smackdown

October 6, 2017, 8:00 am
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Pretend Owens is Lacy for a second
Photo Credit: WWE.com
This week on Smackdown I'm learning to live with:

Recaps on Recaps on Recaps
This was not a hugely enjoyable episode of Smackdown. I realize that the show just before a pay-per-view is going to be recap heavy because they want to make sure everyone's up to speed, but they've just been repeating basically the same segments for weeks now. We're all caught up, I promise! But no, we had to sit through a recap of the last couple weeks of Jinder Mahal's comedy set (now missing the racial stuff because what started as a somewhat clever idea quickly devolved into just hurling racist statements into the atmosphere and now we're supposed to pretend none of it ever happened), then a repeat of last week's segment with Shinsuke Nakamura pretty easily taking out Mahal and the Singh Brothers, then a repeat of every build to a Mahal match so far with the three of them ganging up on Nakamura. And then later in the night Mahal recapped the whole thing for us. Thanks?

Two things, Smackdown. One, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Two, If you're going to stick with the same old thing, at least trust your audience to keep track of it.

Women's Division Weirdness
I still think it's weird to make your champion tag (not to mention COEXIST) with the Money in the Bank contract holder, but, as I've said before, this is what happens when your division consists of six people and they have to tag according to alignment, and I'd certainly rather see Carmella in the ring than Tamina. But what really struck me as odd this week was that commentary tried to put focus on Becky Lynch without there being any real pay-off. They mentioned that she was the odd one out in the match with no hope of getting the title any time soon, but that wasn't borne out by anything Lynch was doing. There didn't seem to be any tension between her and Charlotte Flair, as the two of them were as adorable together as ever. As much as I like them as friends I'll be happy if they do end up competing for the championship, but I'd like to see a little more groundwork.

Frankly, Natalya's reign can't come to an end soon enough with her delivering lines like “Oh, so he's a MALE dog...and that means YOU'RE a FEMALE dog...you know what THAT means.” Like, that shit is bad enough without her terrible delivery on top of it. Also, warning Carmella not to cash in or “you'll be sorry?” Not exactly a withering threat.

Entrance Envy
Ugh, I can't believe I finally have to talk about the Dolph Ziggler thing, but since a match (a brief bout between Bobby Roode and Mike Kanellis) finally tied into his nonsense, I guess I should. It's like WWE saw all my comments about how Ziggler ruins everything and figured they'd show me just how much he could ruin things. The show comes to a screeching halt every time he appears. There's minimal audience reaction, in response to which he just screams louder, as though volume is the problem. The “you all just like entrances but I'm the best wrestler and you don't even care” bit is as fucking terrible as it is nonsensical, too. It might be slightly tolerable if it was being framed in a way that made it clear that Ziggler is full of shit, but he's playing it completely straight. I'm still not on board the Bobby Roode train but I want him to gloriously DDT Ziggler off of Smackdown forever.

That being said, Roode really needs to work on his rebuttals. “Oh, you think my entrance is all I've got? Well, what if I...did my entrance again?!” Uh, yeah, you sure showed him.

Fashion Files Fakeout
We definitely needed time for the multiple Nakamura/Mahal recaps, the McMahon/Owens recaps, and Dolph Ziggler's terrible shtick but not for the return of Fashion Files? You promised me they would be back this week, Smackdown! You couldn't even keep ONE promise? I'll never trust you again!

Damn Millennials
Tye Dillinger and Baron Corbin faced each other again this week, with the only differences being that AJ Styles watched from backstage and Dillinger pulled off a win. Again, it was a pretty fun, if short, match, and I expected Dillinger's win to lead to him being added to the United States Championship match at Hell in a Cell, but NOPE. Instead he was quickly forgotten while Styles lectured Corbin about things that haven't been part of his story at all up to this point. Before, the idea was that he would take cheap shots, but now apparently Corbin is always throwing tantrums and not taking responsibility for his failures and being handed opportunities he can't capitalize on. I expected him to call Corbin entitled and coddled to boot. Just...what was this? Yeah, Corbin gets mad, but not to a more extreme degree than every other adult on this show. I don't think he's ever blamed other people extensively for his losses. And he may keep saying that he wants matches, but Daniel Bryan is the one who ostensibly okays them. More wrestling and less talking from AJ “kids these days” Styles, please. I would like to stop taking Baron Corbin's side.

FRIENDSHIP
Aiden English set out to defend Rusev's honour and avenge the untimely interruption of Rusev Day last week because he is a good friend. Randy Orton is still just an asshole. That's seriously his only motivation here. Raining on parades and humiliating people who already don't have a tiny fraction of the clout he has. Just like a couple of weeks ago, it was nice to see English get a bit of offence in, but it ended as we all knew it would. Rusev's thousand-yard stare in the background as English was RKOed exactly mirrored mine. Why does this keep happening? Why is Randy Orton still here? Why can't Rusev and Aiden English have nice things? Will the power of friendship ever prevail?

10 Things I Hate About Shane McMahon
My loathing of Shane McMahon is becoming pathological. He just appears on the screen and I get so mad, so here's my ever increasing list of reasons why.

1. What started as Kevin Owens being understandably frustrated with his shitty boss but expressing those frustrations inappropriately has been reframed as Shane McMahon avenging his family and making it all about him.

2. His casual Friday at the office wardrobe. “I wear jeans and dress shirts! I'm not like a regular boss, I'm a cool boss!” Fuck off.

3. His condescending Dad voice.

4. Trying to goad Kevin Owens into the ring solely so that he could beat Owens up and calling him a coward for being too smart to put himself in the way of his boss' tiny baby punches again. Because it's not enough that he has the opportunity to “beat him beyond recognition” on Sunday; he needs to hurt him beforehand, too. Like, McMahon wasn't even hiding that that was his motivation, but Owens is still supposed to be the asshole here.

5. Following Owens up into the arena like an idiot (again, because he wants to hurt Owens outside of their sanctioned match) and commentary spinning it like Owens had “lured” him out. But they DON'T mention that Shane was the one trying to lure Owens into the ring with the intention of throwing hands when they were just supposed to be having a face-to-face chat. They constantly have to reframe things so that McMahon doesn't look like an asshole.

6. Talking down to Sami Zayn when Zayn tried to warn him about what Owens is like when he snaps. McMahon just brushed Zayn off and basically told him to know his role and shut his mouth. Yeah, actual wrestler who has good reason to get involved here! Go back to that nothing you've got going on! Middle-Aged McNonwrestler has some spotlight to hog and he can't do that if you keep butting in with your likability and just...ability in general.

This means Zayn is definitely going to throw in with Owens, right? Please?

7. His tough-guy Rorschach talk about how he wouldn't be trapped in the cell with Owens...Owens would be trapped in there with HIM. Sure thing, dude.

8. Making the Hell in a Cell match also a Falls Count Anywhere match. Other people have already pointed out that that pretty much gives away that they're going to be fighting out of the cell, but it also once again takes the spotlight away from Owens and makes this match about McMahon. It was originally Owens who wanted the cell so that McMahon couldn't escape him; now McMahon has stolen that narrative and flipped it.

9. Saying that Kevin Owens “disparaged and disrespected” his children. Uh, no. No he didn't.

10. Commentary hammering home that McMahon is “fueled by emotion” so that's why it's okay that he's now obsessed with hurting Kevin Owens because Owens mentioned his children one time and also head-butted the most enduring villain in WWE history. But, again, it's NOT okay for Owens to act out of emotion when Shane interferes in his matches and Vince insults him to his face.

I feel slightly better for getting that all out. Anyway, see you all after Hell in the Cell. Or Hell in a Cell. Pick whichever article you like better! Consistency is for chumps!
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NXT In 60 Seconds

October 6, 2017, 10:00 am
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Room for one more?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Ruby Riot: briefly looks around for Nikki, then just gets ready to fight
Team Australia: Hashtag iconic!  We have so got this this time.  double team Ruby NOT LIKE THAT 
Nikki Cross: eventually wanders towards the ring, tags in and wrecks them
Ruby: blind tags inPele kick!
Referee: Winner!
Team Australia: Again!?
Nikki: looks at Ruby getting her hand raised from the apron, laughs and leaves

Lars Sullivan: I am unequivocally, categorically in control.  Danny Burch wants to face me next week?  Then he should be in control of his fear.

Zelina Vega: Johnny Irrelevant can't get over his breakup, and like any good puppet master before me in Brooklyn I pulled his heartstrings.  Cien won fair and square then, and another win over the Golden Boy gets us closer to a shot at the title.

Lio Rush: Glad to leave the drama of WWN behind and start anew here!
Incendiary: NO MAN IS EVER TRULY GOOD!  NO MAN IS EVER TRULY E!  VIL!
Velveteen Dream: Concur.  lays Lio out, gyrates in Aleister's direction, Savage elbow, waves him into the ring
Aleister Black: slingshots into the ring into a sitting position, as is his wont
VD: bails "What's my name?"
AB: 
VD: "Say my name!  Acknowledge me!"
AB: 
VD: "I'm going to make you say my name."  leaves
 
Aliyah: I didn't even get an entrance?  Oh, this can't be good.
Full Sailors: KAIRI~!  KAIRI~!  KAIRI~!  KAIRI~!
Aliyah: ...there's got to be a German word that means "beyond fucked", right?  tries real hard, is still doomed
Kairi Sane: Rebound spear!  Corner chop barrage!  Corner spear!  Diving K!  INSANE ELBOW!
Referee: Winner And Possibly Most Awesome Person On The Planet!
Kairi: smiles and waves at the Full Sailors (DESTINY)
Full Sailors: KAIRI~!  KAIRI~!  KAIRI~!  KAIRI~!


Roderick Strong: This one is mine.
Drew McIntyre: This one holds up belt *stays* mine.
Nigel McGuiness: Drew's under a lot of pressure here; outside of Samoa Joe's second reign and Sami Zayn's sole one, the average NXT Championship reign goes about six months, so if he loses here...wooof!
Drew: powers Roddy around the ring a few times
Roddy: Diving knee from the apron!  Backplex backbreaker into the steps!
Full Sailors: Holy shit!  Holy shit!  Holy shit!  Holy shit! 
Roddy: Backbreakers!  Stretch Plum!
DMC: Suplex throw!  Kick in the damn teeth!
Full Sailors: ooooh
DMC: Again!  Catapult slam!  Future Shock!
Roddy: No!  Owenzuigiri!  Angle Slam!
Referee: Kickout!
DMC: Pop up spinebuster!
Referee: Kickout!
Roddy: Superplex!  Tiger Bomb!
Referee: Kickout!
DMC: HEADBUTT!
Roddy: 
DMC: AVALANCHE AIR RAID CRASH!  Count that shit!
Referee: One!  Two!  THREfoot on the ropes!
DMC: ...dafuq
Roddy's Foot: is on the ropes, actually
DMC: Claymore time!
Roddy: KNEE IN THE GODDAMN MOUTH TIME!
DMC: ow
Roddy: AGAIN!
DMC: ...blood is pooling in my mouth, this can't be go
Roddy: TRIFECTA!  Let's end this!  SICK KICK!
Referee: One!  Two!  ThreKICKOUT!
Roddy: not again not again not again dives onto Drew
Drew: catches him and powerbombs him into the post Future Shock!  sees Roddy stirring after OH, FFS...CLAYMORE.
Referee: ONE!  TWO!  THREE!  Winner!
Full Sailors: applaud lustily
DMC: proffers the Hand of Friendship  
Roddy: takes it and leaves, looking aggrieved all the way up the ramp
DMC: poses, hurting his back further in the process
Some Guy, Bay Bay: Rodster!  Bubbeleh!
Roddy: ...dafuq
DMC: (from the ring) ...DAFUQ
the Undisputed Era: say a few things to Roddy, pat him on the back, then leave peacefully
DMC: glowering from the ring
Roddy: ignores it and leaves
DMC: looking resigned and disgusted, holds up the belt 
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Pick Three: WXW World Tag League, AAW, APW (and Hell in a Cell)

October 6, 2017, 12:00 pm
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Jeff Cobb headlines a big show by the bay
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
It's the weekend, baby! You know what that means, time to drink precisely one beer and dial 911 wrestling is happening, and it's happening all around this great world. I'm going to highlight three shows which I think will be of most interest. Of course, I'm only one person. You can check out which shows are coming up possibly in your area via Cagematch. Anyway, go to, if you can, these great shows that may be happening in your area, on television/YouTube/streaming, or for later consumption via VOD, DVD, or whatever other means one uses to consume wrestling at a later date:

Westside Xtreme Wrestling World Tag League TournamentAll three days this weekend (Friday 10/6 8 PM local, Saturday 10/7 6 PM local, Sunday 10/8 5 PM local), Turbinenhalle, Oberhausen, Germany - Who likes a good round-robin tag team tournament? I know I do. WXW, Germany's premiere independent wrestling promotion, does too, which is why its World Tag League is happening this weekend. In fact, the first show has already started at press time, so if you're in Oberhausen, you might as well wait for Saturday or Sunday. Or you can get the on-demand video at WXW Now when it's released. Either way, the shows look pretty stacked. The teams in the tournament are as follows: Massive Product (Jurn Simmons and David Starr), The Spirit Squad (Kenny and Mikey), A4 (Absolute Andy and Marcus Al-Ani), The Young Lions (Lucky Kid and Tarkan Aslan, current WXW Tag Team Champions), Ringkampf (Timothy Thatcher and WALTER), The Rottweilers (Low Ki and Homicide), EYFBO (Angel Ortiz and Mike Draztik), and the Briscoe Brothers (Mark and Jay). The tournament will play out over the whole weekend separated into two blocks. Also on this slate of shows will be several exhibition matches to fill out the cards, including a huge WXW World Championship match between champ John "Bad Bones" Klinger and challenger Ilya Dragunov. It should be a hoot, especially if critical reaction to the 16 Karat Tournament is any indication. Night two will also be the second half of a doubleheader with the Femmes Fatale show, including four first round matches in the WXW Women's Championship tournament.

AAW Seize the DayTomorrow (Saturday, 10/7) at 7 PM Central, Knights of Columbus, LaSalle, IL - AAW heads out west to LaSalle for Saturday's Seize the Day that will feature a huge main event between two brothers and tag team partners. Rey Fénix will defend the AAW Heavyweight Championship against Penta El Zero M in the main event. It should be a banger, as who knows each other better than brothers? They're good friends, but how much better enemies will they be? Also on the show will be two big first round matches in the quest to crown an AAW Women's Champion. Allysin "Sienna" Kay will battle Mae Young Classic competitor Rachel Ellering, and Candice LeRae goes up against Britt Baker. Also on the show will be The Hooligans, Michael Elgin, AR Fox, Eddie Kingston, Shane Strickland, Chuck Taylor, and many more. If you can't make it out to north-central Illinois, hit up AAW On Demand after the show, or check out their Smart Mark Video store.

All-Pro Wrestling Halloween Hell 2017Tomorrow (Saturday, 10/7) at 7 PM Pacific, Ingrid B. Lacy Middle School, Pacifica, CA - The OGs of indie wrestling as it's known today are at it again with their spooky show in Northern California. The main event features Jeff Cobb defending the APW Championship against Adam Thornstowe. This match will be a showdown of two beefy boys, as Cobb's amateur-based hoss offense will go up against the decidedly more roughneck flurry from one half of Reno Scum. Also on the show, the guy who used to be called Jack Swagger will make his APW debut against Luster the Legend. TAFKA Swagger has only started to make the rounds, but he'll be hungry to show that he's more Cody Rhodes than Ryback after leaving. Also on the show will be Joey Ryan, Jay White, and Flip Gordon. If you can't make it there live, check back to the promotion's YouTube page; the matches may end up getting uploaded for free!

CORPORATE WRESTLING ALERT - WWE Hell in a CellSunday, 10/8, Little Caesars Arena, Detroit, MI - Yes, it's one of a billion WWE pay-per-view weekends. In case you haven't noticed or if you're a wrestling fan who doesn't partake in WWE, then you should know Hell in a Cell, a Smackdown-branded event this year, will take place Sunday night. Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens and the Tag Team Championship grudge match of the Usos vs. New Day will happen inside the Cell. Outside, you'll get Jinder Mahal vs. Shinsuke Nakamura for the WWE Title, AJ Styles vs. Baron Corbin (and possibly Tye Dillinger) for the United States Championship, and Charlotte challenging for Natalya's Women's Championship, among other bouts. You can see it on the AWARD WINNING WWE NETWORK™ starting at 7 PM Eastern Time for the pre-show.

OTHER SHOWS TO WATCH
  • Pacific Coast Wrestling Demonized (Friday, Wilmington, CA)
  • Pro Wrestling EVE Nasty Women (Friday, Bethnal Green, Greater London, England)
  • Chaotic Wrestling show (Friday, Woburn, MA)
  • Maryland Championship Wrestling Autumn Armageddon 2017 (Saturday, Galena, MD)
  • Scottish Wrestling Alliance Battlezone 2017 (Saturday, Clydebank, Scotland)
  • WXW Femmes Fatale 2017 (Saturday, Oberhausen, Germany)
  • The Crash (Sunday, Aguascalientes, Mexico)
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Friendship Is Magic: WWE Hell in a Cell 2017 Review

October 9, 2017, 7:00 am
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🎜Best friend, there when I need you🎝
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's the first Smackdown-only Network event to get TH Style in the new brand split era!

Highlights:
  • The Usos regained the Smackdown Tag Team Championships with a chair-assisted Double Uce splash on Xavier Woods.
  • Randy Orton pinned Rusev after a slick sequence of finisher tease exchanges produced a RKO out of nowhere somewhere.
  • Baron Corbin won the United States Championship by attacking AJ Styles after he hit Tye Dillinger with the Phenomenal Forearm and pinning Dillinger.
  • Charlotte Flair defeated Natalya Neidhart via disqualification when Neidhart hit Flair with a chair. Neidhart remains Smackdown Women's Champion.
  • Tyler Breeze and Fandango have opened a new case to be continued this Tuesday on Smackdown, after unwittingly insulting a disguised Ascension.
  • Jinder Mahal retained the WWE World Championship by defeating Shinsuke Nakmaura with Khallas.
  • Bobby Roode pinned Dolph Ziggler with a tight-assisted O'Connor Roll after Ziggler attempted to pull tights on Roode in the same move sequence. Ziggler attacked Roode after the match with a Zig Zag.
  • Kevin Owens outlasted Shane McMahon after McMahon jumped from the top of the cell through a table. Sami Zayn pulled Owens off that table at the last second and then dragged him on top of McMahon to get the pinfall.

General Observations:
  • Hey, WWE finally used the term "anniversary" correctly!
  • Letting New Day talk before their matches is the best decision WWE has made in a long time, and before this particular match, they showed that all three of them could do the serious promo effectively as well as the dancing unicorn gyration parade.
  • Honestly, going with Xavier Woods here instead of Kofi Kingston felt a bit odd given Woods was just returning from injury.
  • When Woods pulled out the rainbow-wrapped kendo stick, I could only think to myself that kind of stuff would only get one caned in Singapore.
  • You know war is hell, because Woods sacrificed not one, but TWO members of the Francesca family in service of sticking it to the Usos.
  • I'm shocked it took WWE this long to bring out a cowbell for a hardcore/street fight/no rules match. I'm probably forgetting something crucial along the way, because my brain only remembers children's songs and scattershot work data anymore.
  • Corey Graves name-dropped Aaron Judge as the Usos were wearing out New Day with kendo sticks, and all I could think of was "BASEBALL IS BACK, BAYBAY!"
  • Did WWE buy a bunch of kendo sticks in bulk, or was the local distributor going out of business? This match had HELLA kendo sticks.
  • New Day putting Jey Uso in the kendo stick prison in the corner of the cell, however, was probably the most inventive thing pulled off in a WWE match in who knows how long.
  • In a match filled with as much violence as one can cram into a modern day PG WWE environment, perhaps the most impressive thing personally was how snug Big E got that stretch muffler in.
  • Rusev hit the mat in the beginning of his match with Randy Orton, and it made a sound that I can only describe as if the buzzer on Family Feud had a small amount of helium applied to it. Weird.
  • Orton has an overreliance on barricade bumps, whether taking them or mostly delivering them. That said, he bumped in pretty gnarly fashion on the fallaway slam on the outside. I'm shocked he didn't visibly show signs of a cracked rib.
  • Honestly, this match didn't at all pick up until the very end, when Rusev caught Orton doing his taunt into an Accolade set up that sequenced into the RKO. That sequence of events nearly made up for the entire match with how cool it was. I understand Rusev working Orton raises his profile, but I wish he'd have someone better to bounce off. Orton is great for hot finishes, especially when he's the one going over, but Rusev needs someone with whom he can work a whole match.
  • Tye Dillinger's entrance gear made him look like he was about to demand the head of Flash Gordon within the next 24 hours, lest one of his minions pay with his life.
  • Honestly, chanting "where's your briefcase?" at LABOR HERO Baron Corbin was the rudest thing that crowd did all night. I hope each and every one of them apologized to the Big Breakfast afterwards.
  • AJ Styles' casadora is the best I've seen at least among non-Mexican wrestlers. He has no hesitation, and it actually looks like a move that's more offensive and less cooperative. His example in this match was among his best.
  • Graves talked about the double standard in how Tom Phillips et al. talk about Dillinger's failures vs Corbin's, and it was fascinating to wonder if it was an intentional commentary on the media with Donald Trump and the current administration vs. mainstream, non-Fox News outlets. I doubt it was the case; Graves was probably just channeling Bobby Heenan's heel advocacy, but it's still curious.
  • Every time I think Styles has taken the biggest bump he possibly could take, he tops himself. For example, Corbin sliding him rib-first into the ringpost might not have sounded like the kind of bump that raises eyebrows, but if you had seen it happen in real time, well, you'd be wondering why Styles hated his body so. AJ Styles is the Picasso of taking body-endangering bumps.
  • Corbin and Styles coming together to pull off the Phenomenal Forearm counter into the chokebreaker needed to be timed just right, and they pulled it off with flying colors.
  • If I were booking the match, I'd have had Dillinger falling onto Corbin after getting Pele'd in the head as the finish, just to tie up the way Dillinger got into the match in the first place, but regardless, it was a great tease.
  • The Charlotte Flair/Natalya Neidhart match was a bit rough early on, which surprised me given how good Flair has looked lately working as a babyface, but once they started exchanging submission counters, it settled into a groove.
  • Every time I hear a WWE commentator say "Hart Family Sharpshooter," I don't know whether to laugh or cry. The Sharpshooter as a family knick-knack is probably the most unintentionally hilarious talking point WWE has pushed in the last two years.
  • Flair hit Neidhart with a backslide in the match, showing how much I hate that move in general when it's not done right. More often than not, the person on the offensive side looks like they're abandoning the pin before the victim kicks out, and it just looks ultra sloppy.
  • I feel like the build to Flair's moonsault to the outside deserved a better finish, even if she over-rotated on it. Flair is going to be a great babyface for WWE someday, once she gets a better foil to work against, which is why Asuka should have gone to Smackdown, dammit.
  • Does WWE have a rider that every brand-exclusive pay-per-view/Network event has to have a shitty free TV feud-extending finish on it? If it were me, I'd have had Flair win and Carmella cash in just to get some fresh blood in the main event scene, but who am I anyway?
  • Fashion Files opening on Cesaro's dental calamity face should have come with a content warning of some kind. I was trying to eat my dessert, WWE!
  • The Fashion Files is never going to be high comedy, but fuck it, I love Zoolander and all those other dumb-as-shit Stiller/Ferrell/McKay-hive comedies because they're so fucking stupid but still funny on a non-insulting level. Tyler Breeze remarking about how genius the Ascension's disguises were damn near killed me.
  • Of all the times for Non-Lazy Shinsuke Nakamura to show up, I didn't expect it to be against Jinder Mahal in a non-cell match at the theme pay-per-view where he was jobbing clean. I'm not hating it, mind you. He probably got the best match out of Mahal since he became Champion, but still.
  • That being said, the fact that Mahal's ceiling at this point is "Competent to the point of watchable" feels bad for the WWE Champion, even if the two holders before him were Orton and Bray Wyatt.
  • Dolph Ziggler coming out to no Tron or theme music felt like the most logical progression for a story that is well-crafted but that I have absolutely no interest in seeing. I don't know if I've just got Ziggler fatigue, or if the inherent cruelty of it (the most cruel aspect being my expectation of having to feel sympathy for the fuckin' Ultimate Warrior), but I just want it to end and for Ziggler to go do comedy somewhere I don't have to see him.
  • I'm not sure whether the "CM PUNK!" and "LITTLE CAESAR'S!" chants were in response to how the match was worked or whether it was a reaction to Ziggler (Dylan Hales noted that he thought the match had heat until Ziggler went on offense), but it's not a good sign for what management will probably see with Bobby Roode, which sucks. I may be in a minority, but I think he's been really good outside of his entrance theatrics, but again, who am I?
  • The rolling O'Connor roll spot into the finish was really well-done though.
  • Kevin Owens vs. Shane McMahon began with a brawl outside the cage because it was FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE, GUYS. At least McMahon's punches were in the same zip code as his opponent's body for this one.
  • Owens grinding McMahon's face in the cage in front of his kids was perhaps the best heel move anyone pulled off all night, and then the camera crew had to go and ruin it by showing those kids laughing and smiling at his dad being mauled. Didn't WWE have anyone there to give them a cue to look horrified when the camera came on them? Diana Hart Smith didn't contort her face into a billion different strained expressions during the main event of SummerSlam '92 for nothing!
  • McMahon sold his knee immediately after getting them up to counter the Owens senton atomico, and then like 30 seconds later he was doing his Simba shtick like nothing happened. Look, I get that Shane McMahon matches have the basic psychology of "Watch him do crazy shit that only the boss' son covered by great insurance would even think about trying" and not "limb work," but again, if you're gonna break the seal, commit to the effort.
  • Owens got a table, which in a bloodlusty revenge match would've been fine except the crowd just chanted for their desire to have tables, and he was supposed to be the heel. Then again, maybe the heel all along was the capricious son of a Trump cabinet member with thin skin and loyalty to a garbage family. Who knows.
  • Honestly, the big fight sequence on top of the cage was a good idea in theory, but I'm not sure whether it was bad cardio or bad footing because it came off looking mostly clunky and drawn out in service of a spot that came a bit too late after they abandoned it.
  • I had the feeling Sami Zayn was going to get involved, but when it happened it still came off as a shock. On one hand, friendship always wins. On the other, because WWE can't get off its PASSION OF THE MCMAHON FAMILY bullshit, Zayn will probably be presented as a heel, which feels questionable. On this third hand I just grew after consuming toxic waste, Zayn's passion can make any character alignment work. On this fourth hand, because I'm Goro from Mortal Kombat, maybe Zayn and Owens are the real heroes of this story. Who knows.

Match of the Night:Big E and Xavier Woods vs. Jimmy and Jey Uso - Old fogeys who remember the good ol' days of Undertaker bleeding like a stuck pig courtesy of Brock Lesnar inside the cell like to yell about how modern matches aren't good because they don't have the blood. While the visual of color adds something special, it doesn't mean two people, or in this case four people, can't make sweet, sweet violence happen while keeping their skin intact. The Usos and New Day, who have fomented perhaps the best feud in WWE this year, or at least the best feud on Smackdown this year (luv to Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman), took their hatred into a sweeping crescendo, and none of the four men in the ring had to bleed to do it. In fact, it takes a special kind of violence to look and feel visceral and real without having to resort to color, and the best kinds of matches that don't need blood can make the presence of blood seem like a crutch.

Of course, the risk for color was there, because each team relied on props to get the point across. Whether it was Woods going through an assortment of lighthearted musical plunder or the Usos literally taking the New Day to their penitentiary with handcuffs, each use of a weapon heightened and elevated the match. It wasn't cheap; it all had its place, whether as callbacks to other matches or as attempts to make near falls seem even more titanic as they were broken up. The weapons didn't even have to be used as implements of destruction and bodily harm to be effective. Perhaps the most stunning visual of the match, the night even, came when New Day corralled Jey into the corner of the cell and held him there with fragments of broken kendo sticks as prison bars. Or perhaps the usage of weapons towards grand explosive offensive maneuvering were the best parts for the utter magnitude of the carnage wrought forth. Maybe it was an Uso chucking a chair at Woods while on the top rope looking to hit The Midnight Hour for the sheer suddenness and random nature of its projectile course from offscreen. Perhaps Big E first launching himself into the cage on a missed attempt at the apron spear and then hitting it moments later encapsulated the attrition. Or maybe it was the Usos hanging Woods from the ringpost, handcuffs around his wrists, peppering his midsection with kendo stick shots as he futilely tried to both curl up and kick them away.

But even without weapons, these four men shone as they have been wont to do since their feud began. Whether it was the uranage/lungblower combo New Day did from the apron, or the Usos hitting Big E with the doomsday plancha, each team had a knack for the moment and for exploring completely the studio space allotted to them. No one will confuse this match for the most memorable Hell in a Cell match, not when WWE hagiography continues to replay Mick Foley getting heaved from the top of the cell to his near-death in 1998. Everything was better in the Attitude Era, says Vince McMahon, who mistakes dollars in his pocket for artistic merit. However, the Usos and New Day perhaps had the best Hell in a Cell match. They no doubt made themselves at home within the FIVE TONS OF STEEL like few before them did, and the gravity of their feud plus the gruesome ways in which they manifested said gravity into well-placed spot after well-placed spot deserves all the applause one can produce without making their hands sore to the touch.

Overall Thoughts: I got to play dad today. My wife and I took the kids to see My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, The Movie today at the theater. I missed the Eagles throw down on the Arizona Cardinals in Carson Wentz's best game as a pro yet to watch talking ponies learn lessons about friendship and forgiveness. Also, I'm pretty sure Pinkie Pie has a coke habit, but I'm not judging. What does this have to do with WWE Hell in a Cell on The Award-Winning WWE Network™? Well, basically, like the ponies (and the cat, and the bird pirates, and the hippogriff, man MLP was made for furries just as much as it was for children, wasn't it?) learned over the course of the movie, true friendship is a bond that cannot be broken, even by the thoughtless actions of one of the friends. Of course, Twilight Sparkle doesn't powerbomb any of her friends onto a ring apron repeatedly and with malice, but the point isn't to be made about degrees of neglecting friendship, it's that no matter what the tribulations, true friendship survives no matter what the spat is. Sami Zayn does not forget that he was Kevin Owens' best man. He wasn't about to let Shane McMahon attempt murder on him because what, Owens headbutted a father that he didn't like all that much anyway and talked shit on kids who smiled and mugged for the camera while their father was getting his face raked along chain-link fencing?

In all honesty, why would anyone root for McMahon in this story anyway? He was handed his job despite failing to live up to the conditions of employment the last time he was in the cell. He can't handle his rage when Owens mentions his family, especially since management, especially nepotistic management, should always be held to a higher standard. I'm not saying Owens was the babyface here, inasmuch as WWE's ideas on alignment and what makes someone a sympathetic hero are distorted more heavily than a post-World War I Dadaist painting. But what's the hook on wanting McMahon to get "revenge" on Owens, other than "I like seeing a man with horrible strikes and dad-bod throw himself recklessly off of and into stationary objects?" The real babyface in the story was, and honestly always has been Zayn. He's the only one who tried talking sense at all, and his actions were the only one that carried nobility. In a vacuum, he sentenced one asshole to save the other asshole's life, but when you consider that the one asshole has actually been in Donald Trump's White House on cordial terms, well, it wouldn't have been a big loss anyway, right?

WWE has never been big on friendship as magic, white magic at least. No, relying on others is seen as weakness in character. Maybe Vince McMahon's cold and harsh upbringing informs that ethos, but even without placing vlaue judgment on the man, you don't need to be an EXPERT SOCIOLOGIST to know his life has decidedly not been normal. In real life, friendship and forgiveness and sympathy are all great qualities to possess. To the cold, logical mind, Zayn had no reason to be out there for the save, but to anyone who has had to bail a friend out of a sticky situation that they got themselves into, it's not only noble and sensible, but also insanely relatable. Of course, unless the Smackdown booking office somehow has an epiphany that allows its members to inject nuance into a story, this will more than likely be played off as a heel turn for one of three characters for whom a change in color of their hats from white to black would be a terrible idea (Bayley and Johnny Gargano being the other two). But make no mistake about it, tonight's actions were magic, because within friendship is locked the greatest magic of them all.

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Hell in a Cell didn't have much of any advance vibe going into it. Smackdown has been on a downturn lately, and a lot of it has to do with the creative team basing angles on confusion, insider winking and nudging, and racism. Yet, all of the matches had something to them, whether they were overall good, great, or even mediocre. For example, the Rusev/Randy Orton match, though dull and grey through 95 percent of it, had a finish that could have lit the deadest arena on fire. Charlotte Flair and Nattie Neidhart built to a moonsault to the outside masterfully, even if the actual move itself was a bit off and led into the wettest, nastiest fart of a finish of the night. Hell, even dead dick Dolph Ziggler came alive for a little bit with Bobby Roode en route to another match with a big finish. It sucks that one has to praise a show like Hell in a Cell couched in the mire of low expecation exceeded with ease, but it shows the biggest disconnect between the roster and its management that WWE has had since at least 2010.

You can't go out and give performances like the wrestlers did across the board at the Little Caesar's Arena and shoulder the blame for why your brand on the whole is lagging. I mean, Xavier Woods taking the lashes from the kendo sticks while in makeshift manacles hanging from the ringpost was about as powerful an image as you can get, wrestling or otherwise. Its framing was artful, and Woods brought out so much anguish and desperation while hanging there. The person who saw the Usos and New Day hurl homophobic insults at each other and decided to skip the show didn't do Woods a disservice. Rather, it was Michael PS Hayes, Brian "Road Dogg" Armstrong, and the rest of the people running the ship that did the disservice not only to the fans, but to the workers who went out and bore their souls. It isn't some misguided attempt at wrestling poptimism to heap praise upon Hell in a Cell, because more often than not, the proletarian roster is fighting for just as much a piece of the pie as you and I do in the real world workforce. But even in handing money over to the McMahon dynasty, one can still appreciate that a roster full of hungry wrestlers, whether new or veteran, can still deliver and bear their souls to you in an attempt to create art, no matter how badly mismanaged it is.
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Orange Cassidy Just Wants to Be Different

October 9, 2017, 8:00 am
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With Orange Cassidy, funny does equal money
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Kenny Johnson is at it again, this time starting a series of documentaries on comedy in wrestling, or at least that's the vibe I got from the installment highlighting Orange Cassidy as "part one." Indie wrestling's premiere documentarian sat down with Cassidy and Colt Cabana to talk about the difficulties and benefits of doing comedy on a show where too many people just want AGGRO-INTENSITY and people in kickpads doing a lot of kicks. It might be dramatic to say doing comedy is "brave," but it's definitely not something anyone just takes lightly because of how it's viewed.

Outside of his constant desire to be wetter than he already is and his recounting of the plot of the Fast and Furious film franchise, the thing that stands out the most is Cassidy saying that he just wants to be different, unique. The wrestling industry has a bad track record of attracting people who see an idea and want to ape it rather than come up with something on their own. The industry leader, WWE, is a walking, talking exercise in trying to relight the fire from the late '90s for fuck's sake. Meanwhile, the number of wrestlers who decide they want to be the guy who finally makes people forget about Low Ki or Amazing Red is staggering compared to the ones who want to be the first of their kind.

So Cassidy making that his thing, even at the detriment of bookings with random companies, feels refreshing. It helps that he owns his character and has come up with one that seemingly either hasn't been done or hasn't been done for a long enough time. I've seen him live enough times to look forward to him coming out of the curtain at whatever Chikara or other show he appears at. Of course, you don't have to take my word for it; watch the video and decide for yourself. Both he and Cabana drop some good insights about comedy.

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Happy Birthday, Eddie Guerrero

October 9, 2017, 10:00 am
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Happy birthday, Eddie. No one was like you, and no one will ever replace you.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Eddie Guerrero would have been 50 years old today. Most people know the story. His nephew Chavo, Jr. found him unresponsive in his hotel room in Minneapolis, and he was pronounced dead due to heart failure. Years of taking drugs, both narcotic and steroidal in nature, took a toll on him, and he joined the laundry list of wrestlers taken from this earth too early. He remains to this day one of the most lionized and admired wrestlers in the world, for good reason. No matter where he went, he was instantly among the greatest wrestlers on that roster.

Whether it was in Asistencia Asesoria y Administración, New Japan Pro Wrestling, Extreme Championship Wrestling, World Championship Wrestling, IWA Mid-South, or WWE, Guerrero left fans in the seats breathless from his amazing feats of athleticism and unique handle on being able to tell a story. He was charismatic and relatable, especially in his post-Radicalz run in WWE. Sure, casual racism fueled a lot of his oeuvre, including the low-rider imagery, but no one owned an ethos quite like he owned "Cheat to win." He turned goofy premises into emotional stories, like the infamous "custody of Dominic" angle that culminated in one of many classics he'd have with Rey Mysterio, Jr.

Many people still go back to the ending of WrestleMania XX, when he and Chris Benoit embraced to close the show, both men as Champions of their respective brands, as a hallmark moment, even as it's been tarnished by how Benoit's life ended. Moreover, a popular talking point has arisen that when people praise Guerrero nowadays, that it's really code for how much they loved Benoit without really saying it. While no doubt some people probably do that, to make that insinuation feels racist as fuck at worst and it erases a tremendous career in Guerrero's. Either way, it's not a good look.

What is a good look, however, are the many classics Guerrero put on in the ring, whether under his real name or as a junior heavyweight in NJPW under the Tiger Mask hood. I'll leave you with perhaps the best-regarded Guerrero/Mysterio match of all-time. Halloween Havoc 1997 saw Guerrero put his WCW Cruiserweight Championship on the line against Mysterio's mask. It's not just the best match between these two; it's on a short-list for the best match in professional wrestling history.

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The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for October 9, 2017

October 9, 2017, 4:00 pm
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Much like their MYC bout pictured above, Storm was victorious over Viper in Germany this weekend
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Toni Storm (Last Week: 2) - Another day, another tournament under her belt. Storm won the Westside Xtreme Wrestling Femme Fatales tournament on Saturday, defeating Jinny Couture, Wesna Busic, and her old pal Viper (Piper Niven). Hopefully, she celebrated the occasion with a tiny German hat, but even if she didn't, I can't blame her.

2. Ryan Rosenblatt (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - This year's Doritos Locos Throwdown, or the #DoLoThroDo17, took place Saturday, and as usual, a gaggle of Twitter gadflies took to Taco Bell to consume as many cross-branded tacos as possible. Rosenblatt was the one who came out of the weekend with the most glory to his house, as he consumed 30 Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos, setting a new record in the cruiserweight division. Congratulations, and please visit your cardiologist, because that amount of sodium intake in one hour's time certainly can't be good for the ol' ticker!

3. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 4) - He's now mollywomped all three members of The Shield on separate occasions. Forget the group reuniting tonight. I'm excited to see if Strowman is able to detach his jaw and consume all three of them whole at the same time, thus cementing his dominance in WWE and putting world powers like China, Russia, and even the United States on notice.

4. Carson Wentz (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Wentz had his best day as a pro yesterday, throwing four touchdown passes, two on beautifully thrown deep balls, and basically farting in the faces of every dork on Draft Twitter who said he was Ryan Leaf with red hair. Of course, the same geeks at Pro Football Focus gave him a similar game score to Jay Cutler and Tyrod Taylor. Between that and the frothingly angry nerds mad that McDonald's didn't have enough shitty nugget sauce for their consumption over the weekend, it's a banner time to remind everyone that maybe nerd culture was a mistake.

5. Asuka (Last Week: 6) - Eh, I'm not taking her off the list. Would you? Didn't think so.

6. Mistico (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Apparently, he showed up to the CMLL show Friday night with a sword. I think that deserves placement, don't you?

7. Jose Altuve (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Altuve set the tone for the Astros' three games to one victory in the American League Divisional Series over the Red Sox by blasting three home runs in the first game. Given that Altuve is shorter than the average 205 Live competitor (yet still a whole three feet taller than Ben Shapiro), each one of his home runs should count for three Aaron Judge homers. Sorry, I don't make the rules. Or maybe I do. Maybe I do.

8. Lockjaw (Last Week: 8) - Not only was he a good, good boy for taking his (in)human Crystal down to earth, he even had a plushie doll of himself at the New York Comic Con. What an incredibly good beast.

9. Joel Embiid (Last Week: Not Ranked) - You say "wah the Sixers overpaid for a guy who has only played 31 games in three years." I say "revenue and capital is the property of those who generate it, and Joel Embiid should make even more money while Josh Harris and the other Sixers' owners are forced to work in the salt mines for all eternity." That and giving him that contract, even with the protections against injury, shows that he's probably healthy and ready to lead the team to a billion NBA Championships. Sorry, those are just facts.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - I defy anyone to make outrageous claims that Oney Lorcan is here for anything but porkin'. I DARE YOU.
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The Passion of the McMahons Has Gotten Old

October 10, 2017, 6:00 am
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Shane McMahon is not a hero, no matter how high heights he jumps from
Photo Credit: WWE.com
One of the savviest things a wrestling promoter ever did was when Vince McMahon made himself a character in the narrative in response to the Montreal Screwjob. Even though Bret Hart left and wasn't able to capitalize on the real-life heat generated from the event, Steve Austin benefited from it enough on his rise to supernova stardom. The problem was that McMahon showed a distinct lack of restraint and learned the wrong lessons from it. He's not unique among wrestling promoters in that regard; few people in administration ever learn the "right" lessons from successes or even failures. Wrestling promoters are among the least creative and most myopic people not just in the business, but in all of business.

McMahon may be the most notable promoter of all-time, but that only means he's perhaps one of the worst offenders. He's spent just about 20 years trying to recreate the Attitude Era, for example, but the worst example is that he looked at his own insertion into the narrative, not as striking while an iron was hot for the good of his roster, but to center the narrative around him and worse, his family. If making Vince a sympathetic character was bad, introducing Shane as a wrestler the caliber of full-time roster members was worse, and allowing Stephanie rein all the power of Daddy without any of the chance for comeuppance was the worst.

For all the complaints about the ever-presence of Triple H, John Cena, and now Roman Reigns, and the missteps that cost the company Brock Lesnar and CM Punk, the passion of the McMahon Family is, without a doubt, the worst development, and the worst part is that they think they're the attraction. It would be one thing if all of them came back as heels to enhance the babyface characters, even if at this point, any one of them as an antagonistic foil would have diminished returns, but Shane as this benevolent hero boss is the grossest.

Honestly, the levels of sheen on top of his "good guy" persona obscure the fact that Shane McMahon, since his return, has been just as rotten as any iteration of the evil authority figure character archetype. Factoring in the transparent real life rot, i.e. his mother willingly taking a cabinet position with the most outwardly-fascist American leader since Andrew Jackson and he himself taking photo ops with Donald Trump, I'm not sure any decent person could root for him, let alone think that he's some folksy hero. Yet last night, at the Smackdown house show in Lansing, MI, the fans not only booed Sami Zayn for helping Shane's opponent win at Hell in a Cell, they chanted "You Sold Out!" at him.

One could unpack the layers of chanting "You Sold Out!" in favor of a millionaire nepotist against underpaid labor who helped out other unpaid labor, and who also is spending his own time and money on a legitimate humanitarian effort in Syria, but the truth is while individual wrestling fans can be smart, a group of them will almost certainly tend to have a mob IQ in single digits, and it's all because they're conditioned to act in a certain way. Years of this conditioning have made people believe that Shane McMahon, whose theme song even denotes how much money he has, is a plucky underdog with no resources available to him other than his willingness to fling his dad-bod off high structures. The lie has been made corporeal, and it's all part of the only plan that Daddy Vince has ever committed to, making the McMahon family name the only thing that matters in WWE, not any one of the wrestlers.

The problem is that this problem isn't going away, especially since Paul "Triple H" Levesque has as much of a tendency to mug for the camera with the legitimacy of being an ex-wrestler. Having him marry into the family only bolstered its will to put the focus on the trials and tribulations of management, and if you think that ends with Levesque's and Stephanie's daughters or Shane's sons bowing out of the family business, well, I have an ice fishing spot in Ecuador to sell you. The futility of ragging against this is staggering, but it has to end, because it chokes WWE storytelling in a way that benefits only the McMahon family. The funny thing is, they love money, and yet the best way to make it is to divorce themselves from the proceedings and let the talent shine. But once again, who am I but a commentator with a blog?
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Roman Reigns the Latest to Chime in on WWE's Proxy War Against the Indies

October 10, 2017, 9:00 am
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Reigns spoke out against unoriginality, but his bosses are worse
Photo Credit: WWE.com
WWE has no competition, and it would like to keep it that way. Whether it be signing up anyone who has star potential for a fledgling, partnering with successful or dormant promotion, partnering with successful or influential promotions here or abroad, or serving cease and desist letters to wrestlers even thinking about using anything remotely resembling intellectual property, the company has a stranglehold on the wrestling world. Any good monopoly doesn't just attack from the front office; the foot soldiers get their jabs in too.

To wit, Roman Reigns was the latest WWE wrestler to lash out at indie/New Japan/Ring of Honor talent for swiping IP. Taking a not-so-veiled shot at the Bullet Club, he said this on a WWE conference call:
We don't need guys running around doing 'Too Sweets,' and we don't need guys acting like they are DX from, you know, 15 years ago. We need original characters.
His words contain a kernel of truth. The Bullet Club definitely takes its Kliq/New World Order/Degeneration-X cosplay a bit too far sometimes. Dragging wrestling out of the past includes creating your own identity and defending it, so even if WWE is such a megalith that going after even the next biggest competitor feels like punching down with nuclear force, I get why its so vigilant. I don't agree with it, but I get it.

The problem here isn't with Reigns defending the company line, but the fact that the company line attacks lack of originality when Vince McMahon has been fucking the Attitude Era chicken for what, 20 years now? It's not just trying to recreate "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, The Rock, or Mr. McMahon every chance the company can get. It's using stale archetypes across the board. It's presenting an "athletic" Black man as nothing more than a combine report and physical potential. It's confining wrestlers of color to tag teams and sideshow acts, and mercilessly breaking up stables and tag teams in other applications. It's having one archetype for heels on the main roster. It's pilfering over moves from people outside the company and giving them to its workers on a secret mandate. WWE may not be encroaching IP on an actionable legal level, but to defend it as an original enterprise is laughable.

People are going to get mad at Reigns, and rightly so, but anytime he or John Cena or a company man speaks out on this kind of thing, they're doing so as an extension of their bosses. Maybe they can exercise some autonomy, or maybe they do believe what they're saying. I don't know. But them speaking out isn't nearly as damaging as the machine enforcing it behind them. This whole situation kinda stinks on all sides, and yeah, one might think that the Young Bucks especially would be creative enough to come up with their own shtick. At the same time, who knows if it's originality or class warfare at stake. Notice that WWE had no problem with the Bullet Club when it had the chance to sign guys like AJ Styles, Doc Gallows, and Karl Anderson. The Bucks, however, keep rebuking contract offers. How does anyone know this whole crusade isn't some petty war for not being able to control all the profitable acts in the world?

WWE wants you to think that the Bucks or the Bullet Club are thieves, and in a way, they are. However, WWE wallows in its own rote mindset unless it has need to for business purposes. Anyone who tells you Vince McMahon is a genius can only point to years of doldrums that the company has experienced creatively when it wasn't at the height of Hulkamania or Attitude. Anyone who tells you he's a master businessman is only going on past achievements. In character, he's so quick to tell you that people who go to courts to get what they want instead of fighting for it are weak, and yet, instead of creating a company that folks like the Young Bucks want to go to and not rebel against, he's using the courts to shut their satire down. I understand getting annoyed at the Bullet Club, but the alternative is defending a megalithic entity that sucks the landscape dry and leaves scorched earth for anything other than its own approved branding. I know whose side I'll take every time.
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Wrestling Six Packs: Who the Next Crop of Singles Champions Should Be in WWE

October 10, 2017, 12:00 pm
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Do it again, only have Strowman win, dammit
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Hey, the Six Packs are back! For the return, I'm going to look at the current singles Champions on the main roster of WWE and to whom they should lose their titles. WWE has transitioned from bouncing titles back and forth from person to person to lengthy title reigns as the rule of the day. While this change from the Attitude Era hot potatoing has taken hold over the last decade, it seems like title runs are getting longer on average. Or not. Maybe it's just perception. Still, when a title changes hands, it's exciting, and what's more exciting than fantasy booking? I'll combine the two here.

1. WWE Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar to Braun Strowman - Honestly, Brock Lesnar should have lost the Universal Championship to Strowman at No Mercy, because Roman Reigns/Lesnar II doesn't feel nearly as compelling a WrestleMania main event as Reigns/Strowman, the FINAL SHOWDOWN. I've covered this before, but it's worth reiterating. Of course, Reigns is being groomed for the big coronation at Mania now that he has The Shield by his side, but coronations aren't nearly as fun as culminations. Besides, who doesn't want perhaps the best giant man wrestler since Vader ruling RAW from his throne of bones? It can still be done at Survivor Series, I promise!

2. WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Jinder Mahal to Big E - Honestly, I originally had Sami Zayn here, but I think he has more of a long game to the title, as long as he stays healthy and with WWE. With Big E, WWE has the opportunity to crown a Black World Champion in earnest, one that it built itself, and one that's part of an over act. Big E feels like he has the most upside as a solo Champion of New Day, but any member works here. Hell, all the members work here because a Freebird Rules-World Championship reign would be batshit crazy enough to work. If I had to guess, Mahal is going to lose the title at the Rumble to like AJ Styles or Shinsuke Nakamura to set up their Mania showdown, but man, how goddamn fun would a Big E/New Day reign be?

3. RAW Women's Championship: Alexa Bliss to Asuka - The women's titles scenarios are where "should" seem to line up with "will." On RAW, I'll be absolutely shocked if Asuka loses before Mania this year, and mildly surprised if she loses before Mania next year. She can't be held back from the title for too long, and if she is, the RAW team will have failed. Titles as storytelling props don't work often, but with Asuka, it's essential to her at least until she loses the streak, right?

4. Smackdown Women's Championship: Natalya Neidhart to Charlotte Flair (to Carmella) - Two things I know to be true about Smackdown's women's scene is that Neidhart is an awful Champion, and Flair appears to be leagues better as a babyface than she's been as a heel, at least on the main roster. While she should get a long reign sooner rather than later, I'd love to see her chase a titleholder who has the chance to be compelling. Carmella provides that with the Money in the Bank briefcase. Again, I feel like this scenario will play out in that manner, and it will be good for the division, as long as Flair's chase isn't mired with multiwoman matches the way the scene has been booked for the year to date.

5. Intercontinental Championship: The Miz to Elias - This scenario is the curveball. Elias has proven to be an entertaining interstitial act on RAW since being brought up from NXT, and it's an act that I think can be mined for more value with a title and steady feuds fed to him. Of course, going from heel to heel would be interesting, but it could be done in a multiperson match or just through force of will. Elias after all is getting people to react to him positively despite his stated alignment, which can work well for taking challenges from an entire roster, not just half.

6. United States Championship: Baron Corbin to Bobby Roode - The knee-jerk reaction is Tye Dillinger, but honestly, I think he could use a bit more time developing a reputation with Smackdown crowds and getting more of a chase. Meanwhile, Roode is ready to carry a title sooner rather than later (although I wouldn't take the belt off Corbin right away since he just won it). He's a solid worker for the main roster and what's best is while I wouldn't exactly call him versatile, he's adaptable. Plus, if he needed to turn heel mid-reign, he could do so with ease.
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Your Midweek Links: Hell in a Cell Fallout

October 11, 2017, 6:00 am
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Fallout from the above main event and more this week!
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Wednesday has arrived, and if I know you (I actually don't), you're probably looking forward to the weekend (you totally are though). However, roughly two days stand between you and the riches of Friday night. What is a human being to do? Well, you can help pass that time by reading some of the best stuff from this past week. Get engrossed in the best columns from the last seven days, and before you know it, you'll be taking goofballs and drinking the spiked punch with your chums in NO TIME AT ALL!

Do you want to read the DEFINITIVE review of Hell in a Cell? Of course you do! Check mine out and realize that friendship is indeed magic. [The Wrestling Blog]

Can you do lucha without any Mexicans on staff? I guess. Should you? Definitely not. Why Lucha Forever is just a little bit problematic. [The Wrestling Blog]

Ian Williams also thought friendship was the order of the day at Hell in a Cell. Read why he thought the Sami Zayn/Kevin Owens saga was a bigger spectacle than the five tons of steel. [Waypoint at VICE]

Did the sight of Hoodie Rusev remind you of anyone? Chris Trew examines why he's so similar to Hoodie Carmelo Anthony. [With Spandex]

Henry T. Casey has your scoop for the stuff you need to catch up on from last week. [With A Passion]

WrestleMania is still a little over five months away, but that doesn't stop Rob Wolkenbrod from projecting what he thinks will be the card. [FanSided WWE]

Smackdown is fresh off a surprisingly cromulent Hell in a Cell, but Matthew Martin argues maybe the brand needs more freshening up to be more consistent week to week. How to do that? Welcome in indie talent for limited tours. [Cageside Seats]

David Bixenspan remembers Lance Russell, whom he has termed to be the greatest commentator in pro wrestling history. [Deadspin]

NON-WRESTLING #1: My Pretty Vampire is obviously a graphic novel about a vampire, but it's also quirky and more embracing of sexuality. Elle Collins dream casts it! [SyFy Wire]

NON-WRESTLING #2: Benny takes a look at Harvey Weinstein, and how useless bigots and predators like him rule the world and how fucked that world is for the experience. [Medium]
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Neville Might Be Quitting WWE

October 11, 2017, 8:00 am
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Neville done with WWE?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
In case you were curious as to why Kalisto won the Cruiserweight Championship on RAW Monday instead of at TLC in two weeks, it's because he was thrown into that lumberjack match at the last minute. Enzo Amore was always set to work the match, but he was supposed to go over Neville instead. Additionally, the entire cruiserweight division was around ringside except for the former two-time longest reigning Champion. That's because Neville walked out on RAW and has apparently quit the company. Neither Pro Wrestling Sheet nor F4W Online gave reasons yet, but I mean, the knee-jerk assumption is because 205 Live isn't exactly the best endpoint for someone who signed with the company with hopes that he'd get the big boy career path.

When Neville originally signed with WWE, the term "cruiserweight" seemed to be a label of nostalgia. He was in NXT when Daniel Bryan took the YES! Movement to its logical end in triumph at the end of WrestleMania XXX, so the stigma seemed to be lifted forever. Additionally, he became NXT Champion around the same time, so things were looking up for him. However, he became lost in the shuffle when he was promoted to the main roster, with his highlights being a couple of shots at Seth Rollins' WWE Championship and involvement in the Cody Rhodes/Stephen Amell feud. He got injured, and when he came back, he was shunted right into a cruiserweight division that at that time was already dead in the water.

Of course, that change in booking trajectory could only be one of many reasons why someone would want to leave WWE, which despite being the best chance at a payday is, from all accounts, a hellish place to work. Neville hitting the free agent market again would attract prime dates, but he'd have to hit that market first. Just because he may have asked for his release doesn't mean WWE will automatically grant it. WWE has held wrestlers hostage before, especially ones that could put dents in WWE's hegemony, no matter how small. Just ask Rey Mysterio. Even if Neville wants to leave, he may not be able to just yet.

However, should Neville get his release, he may find a spot opening up for a junior heavyweight spotlight role in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Ricochet is reportedly getting ready to shake hands and take pictures with Triple H. The 2017 Battle of Los Angeles winner has been jonesing to get himself to WWE to join former Monster Express teammates (and current Titus Worldwide stablemembers) Akira Tozawa and Apollo Crews. Of course, the article cited by UPROXX there seems to be based a lot on speculation. Either way, if Neville should return to Japan after his release goes through, he'll have his pick of jobs to go to probably. NJPW could take him, and he does have extensive history with Dragon Gate.

Still, if these rumors of quitting are true, and they don't get resolved with him staying out his contract with WWE, Neville leaving would be a huge boon for the rest of the wrestling world. WWE still continues to sop up talent for the sole purpose of having them, and until payroll costs start outpacing benefits of Network revenue, the only outflow of talent will be people not renewing contracts or quitting. WWE is getting too bloated for its own good, and it has several wrestlers who could boost companies across the country and the world. Neville leaving would be a good start to that.
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NJPW King of Pro Wrestling 2017

October 11, 2017, 10:00 am
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A main event so good it got seventh graders interested
Graphics via F4WOnline
King of Pro Wrestling is typically regarded as the biggest show to come around during the autumn lull between the G1 Climax and WrestleKingdom. The show was also named after a trading card game made by Bushiroad, the card and collectible company that bought New Japan Pro Wrestling in 2012 (they also had a convention going on down the hall from the G1 Special in Long Beach, at which I shook my head in disbelief because I'm not a child so I don't play with cards, but I do fly halfway across the country to see pro wrestling because I'm a normal adult). As of this writing, I've only watched about half the show. I did not watch the debut of Roppongi 3K (returning young boys Sho Tanaka and Yohei Komatsu), but it was probably good. I did not watch the 6-man tag with Cody, Kenny Omega, and Marty Scurll, even though that's a juicy little combo there. And I did not watch the fourth iteration in a month of the same three-way match for the tag belts, and I might never even do that.

I cannot recommend enough that you watch the match between KUSHIDA and Will Ospreay for the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship. We saw them do incredible work earlier this year in the finals of the Best of the Super Juniors, so the bar was set high, but of course these lunatics went and leaped right over it. The opening stretch was maybe the best I've seen all year, and it made clear Ospreay's determination to stop effing around and finally beat KUSHIDA. Without needing to draw it out close to the 30-minute mark, these guys created brilliance in 15 minutes and did what hasn't been done all year outshine — the heavyweight main event. The crowd was more into this, and both KUSHIDA and Ospreay were working at a higher level.

Tetsuya Naito defended his WrestleKingdom title shot briefcase against Tomohiro Ishii, and even though the outcome was never really in doubt (as much as we love Ishii, he is NOT maineventing WrestleKingdom), they still went hard. At one point, Naito slapped Ishii on the back of the head very hard, and the camera showed Ishii demonstrating a serene look of absolute fury. I don't often praise Ishii's acting skills, but that facial expression spoke volumes, at least as much as his vicious chops to Naito's throat. Naito finally won, and he took great pain to kick Ishii out of the ring while spitting on him. The NJPW crowd needs to occasionally be reminded that this guy they're joking nuts for is a Grade A jerkwad.

And in the main event, Kazuchika Okada defended his IWGP Heavyweight Championship against EVIL (all caps, all the time). This one also felt like a requisite title defense on the way to Wrestle Kingdom, but you'd be hard pressed to find a NJPW performer who would ever mail it in. Okada and EVIL still beat the piss out of each other, with EVIL adding a violent wrinkle to his already-violent bit where he puts a chair around a guy's neck and then hits it with another chair. He almost had Okada down, but the champ rose up and fought him off, needing a few Rainmakers and a spinning jumping Tombstone to finish him off.

For those who don't know, I teach seventh grade language arts. After school today, I was in a room with a few coworkers and I was finishing the Okada/EVIL match on my computer. Three boys walked in the room, as they milled about the building waiting for the volleyball game to start. They saw I was watching wrestling and they ran over to me. Of course, they asked if it was WWE, but I explained how this was New Japan Pro Wrestling, from Japan! They sat and watched the last few minutes, ooohing and aaahhing when they were actually paying attention. "Do they actually hit each other in this one?" No, I said, but they hit hard. At the end, as both Okada and EVIL lay spent on the canvas, one of the boys asked me, "Are they lying?" It was the funniest way of asking if wrestling is fake that I've ever heard, and even though he probably knew the answer, the genuine exhaustion from both of those performers was enough to make him question it. See? Pro wrestling can still make magic every now and then.
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Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 7

October 11, 2017, 12:00 pm
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IS NEVILLE LEAVING?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Hey, do you ever think "Hey, I don't get all the news I can handle?" to yourself while the doors to your bedroom are closed and you contemplate your life? WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE, BECAUSE HORB IS HERE, BABY. Yes, that's right, I am BACK AGAIN with all the news your feeble bodies can handle, and do you know why? BECAUSE IT'S MY DUTY TO PLEASE THAT BOOTY and also provide you all the scoops that I can before spontaneously combusting into an inferno of tidbits, rumors, analysis, and Jeppsen's Malört. WILL WADE KELLER EVER PROMISE TO IMMOLATE FOR YOUR EDIFICATION? No, he only immolates if Kofi Kingston breaks kayfabe with his children. THE HORROR.

Now, you can and SHOULD read the newsletter report below, because THEMS BE SOME GOOD NEWS NUGGETS DOWN THERE. But if you want the FULL HORB EXPERIENCE, then you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You'll get it all: the breaking news, the analysis, the rumors, the angry slander, the coupon codes for McDonald's Szechuan Sauce that I hoarded from locations all this weekend. All you have to do is MASH THAT FOLLOW BUTTON. MASH IT, I DARE YOU TO. Also, if you'd like to get back issues of the newsletter, just go to your local Bloomingdale's for ordering information. However, the previously offered deal of a free ticket to HORBTOBERFEST with purchase of five back issues of the newsletter is now cancelled because HORBTOBERFEST has been cancelled. It turns out all the knockwurst was infected with botulism, and the cheddar brats were made from longpig. If you don't know what that is, do me a favor and never look it up. Anyway, still buy the back issues, like these:
  • April 6, 33 - I fully run down the Jerusalem Screwjob, where Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate conspired to take the Judean Heavyweight Championship from Jesus of Nazareth before he left the territory with it to go join His Heavenly Father's Kingdom Wrestling.
  • October 18, 1307 - Full analysis of the feud between the Templar stable and Papal Corporation in the French Catholic Wrestling Alliance, including the major twist where the Templars were all suspended and whether or not it was a work or whether real life promoter Clement V was acting on violations of the Spiritual Wellness Program.
  • October 19, 1492 - In-depth coverage of the first ever invasion angle, as the Christopher Columbus World Order made landfall in the Bahamas and interrupted the main event of the Mesoamerican Wrestling Federation causing a double disqualification.
  • May 11, 1860 - Shocking news of Abraham Lincoln dropping the National Wrestling Alliance Championship to run for President of the United States broke. Was the Alliance wrong to put the title on someone so not committed to wrestling?
  • September 6, 1938 - Ted Turner speaks his first words, which were oddly enough "I'm gonna buy Jim Crockett Promotions and go into business against Vince Mac-Mahon." Oddly cryptic and prophetic.
Anyway, it's time for the news:

- Neville has apparently quit WWE. He walked out of RAW on Monday night because he was asked to put Enzo Amore over again, and he was vocally angry because he never got the fruit basket for filling out his last punchcard for putting Amore over.

- When Neville went to Vince McMahon to tell him he was quitting, McMahon reportedly responded, "WAIT, YOU'RE NEVILLE? I THOUGHT WE SIGNED THAT BLACK SINGER WITH THE HIGH-ASS VOICE, NOT THIS FUCKING TOLKIEN CHARACTER! FUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW? FUCK YOU."

- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Apparently Amore is being blamed for Neville wanting to leave because it's his fault no one cares about the cruiserweights, not the months of backburner segregation and dimmed focus. Weird how that works out.

- Kevin Owens posted a picture of his kids on Instagram. Does this mean his children are starting at the Performance Center this week in an attempt to offset the loss of Neville in the cruiserweight division? Obviously not, but wouldn't it be fuckin' sweet if it was? Just hear me out.

- Ricochet is reported to be starting with WWE soon. The NXT Name Generator has already given him the name "Richard O'Shay."

- ROMAN REIGNS ON HOW IT WAS TO WRESTLE JOHN CENA: "Weird, man. He smells like Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. It's... disconcerting."

- Reigns also commented on wrestlers outside the WWE lacking originality. "People need to stop aping DX from 15 years ago. What they really should be doing is copying me, because I'm good enough, strong enough, and dammit, people like me."

- HELL IN A CELL REPORT: Sami Zayn turns on Shane McMahon because he's ungrateful for his capitalist superhuman feats of strength and instead SOLD OUT to help lifelong friend who had wronged him, Kevin Owens.

- The Shield reunited on RAW this past Monday. I asked Bryan Alvarez what this means for business, and he just stared blankly at me and asked "I don't know what you're talking about. Why don't we talk about the Latino World Order instead?"

- Bray Wyatt was held from house shows this weekend, not because he was injured, but because WWE officials didn't want to risk wearing out his shoulders taking pins so he could take higher-profile pins in the future.

- Conor McGregor is in talks to appear at WrestleMania. Sources say he's demanding to beat Big Show clean as a sheet in three minutes with Show having to admit afterwards that McGregor is stronger, tougher, and more handsome than Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

- Anthem launches Global Wrestling Network, an over-the-top streaming network where you can watch all the classic events from TNA's history, including Samoa Joe getting a penis tattooed on his face, the trials and tribulations of Claire Lynch, and the memorable main event to Victory Road 2011.

- Asuka will debut on RAW against Emma. Oddly enough, the match will take place in London on December 16, 2015.

- UFC fighter Henry Cejudo still plans on facing Sergio Pettis at UFC 218 despite having 97 percent of his skin burnt off and suffering internal decapitation during his escape from wildfires around his California home.

- Kevin Lee fought with a staph infection at UFC 216. The staph infection won via submission in round two with a triangle choke.

- Dana White blasted Jason Aldean for pulling out of a performance at UFC 216 just because he was on stage when the Las Vegas mass murderer opened fire. Aldean replied by saying "Dana White looks like a shaved penis. Who cares what he has to say."

- Cody Rhodes on WWE using his father's creations: "Sometimes it's okay. Other time's it's not. The point is, WWE has to keep asking me my opinion on these things because I am the center of the Universe."

- Hiroshi Tanahashi and Kota Ibushi will headline New Japan Power Struggle, and if you don't think I already booked a room at the local S and M Club to watch with appropriate ambiance, THINK AGAIN.

- Rocky Romero introduced Sho Tanaka and Yohei Komatsu as Roppongi 3K at NJPW King of Pro Wrestling. I swear, if you motherfuckers don't vote him Non-Wrestler of the Year, I will spit on all your graves when you die.

- Triple H was overseas, so Brian "Road Dogg" James and Shawn Michaels handled the NXT tapings this past Thursday. Be prepared for the lead into Takeover: Houston to contain a lot of racism and yet also a lot of Bible-thumping.

- Bill Goldberg appeared on the latest episode of The Goldbergs. In the episode, he speared and jackhammered the youngest kid through the Liberty Bell.

- Candace Michelle will be coming out of retirement to fight anyone who tries to vaccinate her.

- Jim Cornette took his penis out at a Bruce Prichard live show and backed down from a confrontation he instigated with Santino Marella. Since embarrassments come in threes, expect the Young Bucks to hit Mega Millions on Friday and afford to put "Suck it, Cornette" on the video board at Times Square.

- Chris Jericho has announced Jerry Lawler will co-host his cruise with Jim Ross. The sound you just heard was the final three women who hadn't already cancelled their tickets cancelling with haste.

- Col. Sanders will be available as a playable character in WWE 2K18. This news was greeted with great protest from Rick and Morty fans who demanded to be able to play as Szechuan Sauce instead.

- Several WWE superstars shared their favorite Kane memories in honor of the 20th anniversary of his debut. Daniel Bryan's memory was "That time the guy who played Mr. Belvedere sat on his own balls, and they had to stop filming for a couple of days."

- MISSY HYATT REMEMBERS LANCE RUSSELL: "Of course I remember Lance Russell. I'm not that old yet, for fuck's sake."

- Billy Corgan will be on Thursday's Tonight Show. He probably won't talk about the National Wrestling Alliance, so does this mean he has buyer's remorse? I asked former Champion Mike Rapada who said "Wow, someone wants to talk to me? I'm so goddamn flattered. Do you wanna get a pizza and maybe do a career retrospective? No? Please?"

- Daryl Takahashi got married to another cat named Carol this past weekend. The couple signed a prenup agreement, because Daryl is INGOBERNABLE, not stupid.

Last week's poll results are in, and for the first time, results are unanimous. Horb Flerbminber got 100 percent of the vote for greatest living American. This week's poll:
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Jimmy Jacobs Fired from an Increasingly Paranoid WWE

October 12, 2017, 6:00 am
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The latest casualty in WWE's rampant punching down
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
The war between WWE and the Bullet Club has claimed another victim in Jimmy Jacobs. The former Ring of Honor superstar had been working in creative, at least until his bosses found out about the picture he took with the Bullet Club when the group invaded RAW in Ontario, CA on September 27. According to Pro Wrestling Sheet (and corroborated by Dave Meltzer), WWE officials were furious and fired Jacobs as a consequence of him meeting up with and sharing a picture online with friends.

Unfortunately for consumers of wrestling in America, WWE has no competition, and none of these actions that a quite frankly tryhard outlet like the Bullet Club is perpetrating should have any bearing on decisions the company or the people in charge there make. WWE's war against the group is wholly unnecessary, and the fact that Vince McMahon and Paul "Triple H" Levesque are waging it has three true-outcome reasons behind it. The first is that they're so protective of their revenue intake that they cannot bear to have anyone try to dip into it. Occam's Razor suggests this is probably the most likely scenario. Capitalists acting in capitalistic manner is about as surprising as McMahon slapping a navel-gazing, high-potential athlete "gimmick" on a high-percentile Black superstar. McMahon and Levesque acting as greedy pigs would be par for the course.

Reason number two is that WWE legitimately is shook by the Club's actions. Obviously, WWE has no reason to feel threatened by a rogue stable that may or may not be acting with the explicit blessing or on direct order from its two parent companies (obviously, the fact that none of them have even come close to being disciplined by Ring of Honor or New Japan Pro Wrestling means the silent assent is there). However, I find it funny that people would die on the hill that WWE is not acting with all the paranoia of late-Presidency Richard Nixon when it's showing signs that could easily be interpreted as paranoia. Just because WWE shouldn't have a reason to fear doesn't mean the people in the office won't act like it.

The third reason is professional jealousy and spite. It could be from McMahon. It probably would more likely be from lieutenant, heir apparent, and indie darling collector Levesque. Either way, that WWE craves social buzz is well-known. It's also an open secret that WWE has coveted the Young Bucks for a long time. The fact that they're leading this charge and getting social buzz at WWE's expense while metaphorically flipping the company off in the process can't be settling well, so given the reported personalities of both McMahon and Levesque, putting the screws to the Bucks and their comrades would not be out of the realm of possibility.

No matter which of the three reasons is true, it's not a good look. The people paying for this aren't going to be McMahon and Levesque. It won't be the Bushiroad and Sinclair corporations. Hell, it may not even be the Bucks and Cody Rhodes, to be honest. It'll be someone like Adam Page. It's definitely Jacobs. All he wanted to do was get a picture with old friends. Regardless of their intentions, someone shouldn't have to fear for their job if they meet with friends, especially someone whose job is not on screen and whose presence with "the competition" would mean somewhere between "jack" and "shit" to the average WWE fan.

Whatever the reason behind all this reaction, it's out of control. Asking people not to "poke the bear" is laughable given that the literal interpretation of that phrase assumes that the target of poking is a wild animal who only reacts on instinct. WWE is helmed by people who know better, and part of knowing better is not only realizing when the people haranguing you don't pose a threat, but also exercising restraint at personal slight and not capriciously firing someone because you're mad that not everyone falls in line under your boot. It certainly means perhaps expecting a sense of humor for someone pulling a similar stunt that you did when you were the underdog in a war against a corporate entity.

I don't know what Jimmy Jacobs is going to do now. Maybe he goes back to the indies to work or perhaps to take the book. Either way, he shouldn't be out of a job. While WWE's pettiness has yet to approach AAA's in Mexico, it's still hurting people for reasons that while not clear are bad for everyone involved and for the business on the whole.
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Sami Zayn's Heel Turn and the Problem of WWE Storytelling

October 12, 2017, 8:00 am
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A heel? As if...
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The world's worst wrestler stood high above the Hell in a Cell structure waiting to do his signature move, “Falling to his death”. He is an artless hack, but because he is the multi-millionaire boss's son he gets opportunities that other wrestlers do not. He barely wrestles and only shows up from time to time elevating the level of dangerous spots wrestlers have to work with in the confines of PG. This man ended up falling from ludicrous heights and the crowd watched in the same way they'd pay close attention to a car accident on the side of a road. He can't realistically work within the confines of a wrestling ring in a satisfying manner, but he has this one skill that he comes back to over and over again, and the crowd screams because of the danger associated with the spot and the brief hint of nostalgia wrestling fans felt for the '90s, a time before their lives went to shit and Donald Trump became president, but his family gave money to our Sexual Predator in Chief, and his mother sits on his cabinet.

He's presented as the hero despite being everything the average American despises. The man he would soon elbow drop has a family. He's overweight, paid his dues by working his way up to the top, and through sheer love of this sport became obsessed with it to the point where it became his life. He grew up with WWE posters on his walls and idolized the likes of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, something every fan popping for the nostalgia of a Shane McMahon fall did as well. Kevin Owens is the villain. For reasons that make no relative sense. He is the everyman, but he's despised. Shane McMahon is the spoiled rich kid who was given everything. When he lost to The Undertaker he was handed control of Smackdown Live. Despite losing every match he's been in he's constantly inserted into the main event on bigger pay per views. If you told someone these facts who had no real knowledge of pro wrestling or the WWE they would assume McMahon is the villain and Owens was the hero.

WWE prioritizes the worst qualities in people and condemns the salt of the earth indie worker who made his way up to the big leagues. It's a narrative inconsistency that has plagued the company, and not even close to being the only example of misunderstanding narrative complexity and logic in favour of the whims of Vince McMahon, who remains unchallenged in his old age. They should have learned their lesson that the voice of the people had changed when Daniel Bryan became a figure that damn near everyone could relate to, but concussions sidelined his blossoming superstardom, and in place of it the audience has been beaten into submission by a wrestler they've never warmed up to in Roman Reigns. Ratings are down. Attendance is down. Interest is down. And they can't figure out why.

Shane was framed in a wide-angle shot before he took his fall so viewers could see the full depth of height from where he stood to the table where Owens lay. In the bottom of the frame a hooded figure appeared just before the leap and pulled Owens off the table before Shane collided and dealt with the full repercussions of gravity. The figure was soon revealed to be Sami Zayn. Owens' longtime rival, friend and brother. The look on his face didn't ring with simplicity. It was not a situation where the heel sported a cocky grin or a smug gesture at foiling the hard on his luck babyface. This was the expression of a man whose emotions were conflicted and fully reckoning with his decision in real time to save the man who tried to end his career on multiple occasions in and out of WWE. Zayn pulled himself away from the wreckage as the commentary screamed repeatedly, “Why Sami? Why?”. He appeared defeated, knowing that he still loves Owens enough to save him. In WWE terms Zayn had just become a villain by sabotaging Shane.

But is that what really happened? The context of Zayn's face and his history with Owens told a different story. This was not an act of evil on his part, but an act of compassion, a moment of such pure empathy that it was a miracle within the confines of WWE, but because it is WWE and Vince McMahon is in charge. He ultimately doesn't understand the concept of what has been presented through French-Canadian best friends. A few weeks ago on an episode of Smackdown Live, Zayn confronted Owens and asked him what he was doing in this feud with Shane and that if he did enter Hell in a Cell his soul would be lost forever. Zayn was genuinely concerned for his friend's mental well being stating that he had never seen Owens act this deranged before. Zayn pulling Owens away at the last moment was him becoming a life raft for his friend. Forgiving him for all the damage they'd done to each other over the years and trying to bring the man he once knew back from the dead. The image of Owens crawling and reaching towards his best friend with a look of genuine shock behind his eyes only emphasized the pure act of love. Owens looked alive for the first time in weeks.

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Photo Credit: WWE.com
That isn't the story WWE went with even though it was laid bare in front of them. On this past week's Smackdown Live, Owens spoke of Zayn being his guardian angel, which lines up perfectly with the narrative these two conveyed at the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view. He spoke of Zayn being his brother and his friend bringing him back to life. Things begin to go off the rails when Zayn came out and laid into Shane McMahon for not giving him the chances he deserved on Smackdown Live, and while true, these are not issues that give weight to the complex narrative that the best friends originally presented with their bodies and facial expressions only two days ago. Zayn was cocky, brash and full of himself, acting much like Kevin Owens. He expressed that Owens helped him see the light when he powerbombed him on the apron and now he has become a disciple of Kevin Owens.

In a good company this could be the beginning of a narrative about Owens brainwashing Zayn and breaking him down into submission and turning a good man into a bad one with an eventual comeuppance for former by the hand of latter. However, WWE is rarely interested in the long con. They are a company that loves to open Christmas presents in November. Sami Zayn is merely a heel now, a good guy that WWE tells you is evil because he gets screwed over by the man. WWE positions people like Kevin Owens, and soon to be Sami Zayn, as heels who take short cuts, but the opposite is true. If anyone has taken shortcuts it is the babyface, Shane McMahon. The textbook definition of a shortcut is being handed everything due to nepotism. Shane falls upward in real life and in the confines of WWE narrative. Zayn and Owens have to work for everything, and they are deemed evil for it.

It should come as no real surprise that a company whose sole interest is capitalism would fail at understanding the difference between good and bad, but it goes beyond simple morals into something much deeper. WWE doesn't understand what forgiveness or friendship even looks like. What happened between Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens is an act of such purehearted humility on the part of Zayn that it is foreign in the eyes of Vince McMahon, a man who has burned bridges with damn near every wrestler he has come into contact with, and in some cases tried to ruin their careers afterward. Have you ever wondered why nearly every tag team in the history of WWE has broken up due to friction and one man turning on another instead of amicably departing and finding new avenues for themselves as singles wrestlers? It's because Vince doesn't understand friendship, but he does understanding stabbing someone in the back. He's an expert.

These moments recently that have seen longtime friends come together in WWE, like Zayn and Owens, and The Shield are fundamentally at odds with the kind of narratives Vince understands. It's why Zayn is now presented as evil and The Shield reunion feels half-baked and ill-conceived on a narrative level. The WWE audience will continue watching, but they will continue to not feel like something's wrong whether they can pinpoint the reasons or not. It's been said many times that Vince is out of touch, and that's true, but structurally maybe wrestling is too. WWE storytelling and presentation trickles downward and seeps into independent companies and international promotions, and as a whole that needs to stop. The evolution of wrestling into its next chapter as an art form, one that can achieve unique highs, is only possible if you are willing to glide on the wings of those willing to soar.

Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn are exactly the type with an attention to narrative that can only be described as wrestling's own Odyssean epic. If given some level of creative control over their incoming narrative the two will likely create greatness. They always have. The juxtaposition of their presentation on Smackdown Live and Hell in a Cell of Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens distinctly shows that within the hands of WWE writers and Vince McMahon that their story will be simplified to a point of redundancy, but in the hands of Zayn and Owens it is complex, unknowing, mysterious and ripe for narrative highs and lows that verges on the cinematic. If wrestling is to ever compete on an artistic level with theatre, literature, and film it must be open to creatives who challenge the pre-existing norms of what wrestling storytelling can look like or be.
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How The Shield Should "End" This Time

October 12, 2017, 10:00 am
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They don't have to break up again. They never have to break up again.
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, and Dean Ambrose have finally gotten back together after a little more than three years doing their own thing. The Shield's official reunion shook the Bankers Life Fieldhouse to its core, and it set the stage for war with The Miz, The Bar HOSS International, and Braun Strowman. While most people are agog over the reconstruction of perhaps the most important group in WWE in this decade, it's becoming increasingly clear that it is a momentary diversion, something for Reigns at least to do while he waits for the lead-up to his final showdown with Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Rumors seem to corroborate that this reunion is temporary, and that the principals will go back to doing their own things before Royal Rumble season.

Of course, the peanut gallery will salivate over this to be opportunity to turn Reigns heel, as if the entirety of time between the first breakup and now wasn't an emphatic statement from WWE that Reigns is the wrestler it wants him to be regardless of certain people's perception of alignment. Because this is WWE, and because as Willow pointed out a couple of hours ago,Vince McMahon is a fundamentally broken human being, someone's going to have to turn on the group to cause it to implode. I'm sure you'll be able to wager real currency on who that person might be (hint, it'll be Ambrose), but what if I said that even if they go their separate ways that the group shouldn't break up in traditional fashion?

Wrestling storytelling has so much in common with comic books in that both theoretically present good vs. evil in struggles that never end thanks to the demand cycles and frequency of publication/show production. In comics, heroes (and villains) team up all the time. The Avengers, the Justice League, the Teen Titans, and the Defenders are just some examples of aggregate hero teams that have lasted for several decades. Sure, they've all had lineup changes, but the threads are mostly the same; these teams come together to stop existential threats to the planet and then return to their solo titles when those threats are neutralized. The Avengers don't dissolve when, say, Iron Man turns against his team to join the Sinister Six or whatever. They have narratives for when they're together as well as on their own.

Why can't wrestling stables work that way? Well, they actually have in the past, outside of WWE, but at the same time, wrestling promotions aren't scattered about over several different outlets. Superman can have his own title released in the same month, maybe even week where he's appearing in a Justice League book. Character availability in the comics is limited by the amount of money producers have to pay writers and artists, and DC and Marvel have big goddamn budgets and a ton of titles. Even the biggest wrestling companies have limitations of manpower and time in a given week.

However, all that means is the ebbs and flows of teams and their singles travails happen in real time. The Shield can join together in service of keeping one of its own from both getting beaten down by multiple people and its own legacy from being mocked. Then, afterwards, when the threat is neutralized, they can all go back to their own pursuits. For Reigns, it's chasing the Universal Championship. For Rollins and Ambrose, they can go back to defending the RAW Tag Team Championships. They remain in their own worlds until another threat arises, like the reformation of The Authority, or Carmelo Anthony, Russell Westbrook, and Paul George descending upon RAW challenging the best trio to a halfcourt three-on-three throwdown.

Because WWE is so predictable and runs such an antisocial modus operandi, viewers of RAW will probably be watching with dread to see which member off The Shield rends the group asunder this time. However, it doesn't have to be this way. The Shield doesn't have to end. It can be dormant and pick up only when needed without the need for any elaborate setup. The Shield can be WWE's Justice League if it'll allow it to be.
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